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delicrieux · 3 years

Text

—MAKE YOU SAY “OH” EXTRAS: TINDER

extra meaning non-canonical occurrence; can be placed anywhere in the “make you say oh” timeline after couple (cha. 14) and before the final “oh”.

pairing—corpse husband x f!reader warnings—tinder profiles, tw: men, swearing. word count—2.6k. format— written. ─── ❥ req by nonnie: y/n makes a youtube vid/live stream where she's just swiping through her tinder acc and corpse literally blocks her lmao

author’s note—akldsljfs this was such a funny idea i could not not write it lmao

ultimate masterlist. myso masterlist

You have pulled the biggest brain move by setting up both a facecam and a screen recorder on your phone. All is beautifully displayed and visible during the stream. Your fanbase is particularly intrigued on what exactly are you planning on doing today, seeing as your tweet of “strea” had been a bit vague, if not downright ominous. No emojis. No elaboration. You couldn’t even be bothered to finish the word. Truly, a mystery. Everyone tuned in and are currently waiting with bated breath.

A few of your fans must sense upcoming doom because the overall mood in the chat turns from optimistically intrigued to...evil. It’s an entity all on it’s own now, clawing at you through the screen with various renditions of laughter and devil emojis. A few eggplants thrown in there for good measure, accompanied, naturally, by the scandalous water drops. At first the common consensus is that you’re biting the bullet and going through your camera roll on stream. Definitely an idea worth considering, though you frankly don’t know what lies at the start of the 11k photograph journey, and you are afraid to check in public. Could be a harmless meme, could be a salacious pic you had saved of an OF star. It’s really a gamble. Either way, you would definitely get banned. You might still get banned. Why do you insist on doing shit like this?

Because it’s funny. Because you’re kinda stupid. Because it’s just so absolutely laughably easy to do.

A smile quirks your lips, and while it is not explicitly smug, the look in your eyes sure is, “Greetings,” You utter lowly, dimming the lights--the budget for this stream! Ugh, you went all out, “my children.”

mother i crave violence

sensing evil energy rn!!

i do not claim the energy in this video for myself or anyone else watching this 💖💖

^with peace and love shut the fuck up

“I know y’all lowkey hoes-” Upon your words the chat splits into two: one side eagerly agrees (even shares a few OF accounts! How helpful, supporting small businesses!), whilst the other feverishly insists on innocence. You make a face stuck somewhere between offended and bewildered, “Now c'mon now-I know you. I know you all. We’re the same, don’t-what was that?”

You try to scroll back to the comment but it’s loss in the sea of incoming messages, “I swear to God I just saw-”

Corpse_Husband: i love late night streams it’s not like i have anything better to do.

“COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORPSE!!!!”

rip headphone users

i cant feel my face when im with you by the weeknd but instead of face its my fucking ears

yall think full vol on pc is better?my parents woke up 😭😭😭😭

To think he’s spending his last waking moments for today with watching you (he probably still would have anyway, because you do not posses an ounce of shame or self-control and pester him relentlessly)! It makes your heart sing, and suddenly, a traitorous, fun hating idea barges it’s way through the crowd of incoherent buzzing and states: don’t do this. For some reason it also has the voice of Rae. As if that would work in guilt-tripping you- Rae never succeed, and her fictitious rendition in mind won’t fare much better either.

Still, you thought about it. That must count for something. Corpse will understand, won’t he? Why don’t you want to upset it in the first place? Men look so funny when they lose their shit, like hello, don’t you have anything better to do? But the image of Corpse just sitting there, hurt, distraught, leaving you on seen because he’s in his sad boy hours leaves a sour taste in your mouth.

queen rly went from 🥺😊 to 😕 u ok bbgirl?

Corpse_Husband: no pouts cutie

akjdjoeijdfse cUTIE??? deadass boutta r.i.p.

Well that succeeded in eliminating everything from mind, doubts included. If this was an anime, the scenery would shift into something roseate, with flowers and bubbles and sparkles all around you along with a halo or two. Alas, not an anime, rather reality. The led-lights, however, seemingly possessing a will of their own, slowly turn from deep violet to pink. You smile brightly, like the absolute dumbass you are, and you are met with a ray of heart and blushing emojis. You are just so cute, a real cutie! Still in your disguise adorable state, you swipe your finger on your phone screen, the grin never leaving your lips.

There, among the plethora of apps, nestled sits a red square with a white fire plastered on it. The delicate calligraphy on the bottom reads: TINDER.

The mood changes once again- you’re giving the roaches emotional instability by how quickly everything flips over- and the chat spams eggplants vigorously; some, of course, bravely fight against the thirst.

nooooooo i thought y/n is gonna stream in a god honoring way!!!

^pack it up girl defined

“So, Charlie and I-” You note a few awfully curious comments and squint, “-yes, we talk a lot. Charlie is a really good friend of mine. We’re best friends. Brothers. Sisters. Cousins. The whole fucking family tree-no, that sounds weird. Delete. Anyway, Charlie, being the absolute fucker he is, said, hey, you know what would be funny? And I was like, nooo, what would be funny, Charlie? And he says to me, he says, says, making fun of men on Tinder. And if y’all need any more proof that Charlie and I are platonic soulmates, then dunno, my children, my roaches, I dunno-I dunno what more to give you.”

You can’t be bothered reading the comments, there’s too damn many. You also need to save your reading comprehension for the actual bios. It has a time limit, that darn thing.

“Okay, so I made a profile earlier, but I hadn’t swiped on anyone yet-” Despite the fact, Tinder helpfully informs you that already 99+ people have swiped right on you, “So, this is me,” You show the pictures you have of yourself, and damn, not to be a conceited narcissist, but you look really good. Like if you saw yourself on Tinder, you’d super like instantly. “Uhm, so, my bio-my bio says: let’s sauce in the tub together, ya dig? splishy splashy, giggle giggle.”

i cant believe we are witnessing y/n trying to form a coherent sentence live

shes trying give her time

ya dig??? y not capeesh

what scene from the godfather is this lol?

“My anthem, is,” You laugh, covering your lips with your hand, “Corpsie, this is form you-” Proudly, you show that indeed, Corpse’s E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE is listed as your anthem on Spotify, “Hehe.” Yes, you say that aloud.

Corpse_Husband: you’re killing me Corpse_Husband: thanks baby Corpse_Husband: now delete tinder ❤︎

You ignore his last quip, deciding it’s finally time to get this show on the road, “Right, let’s do this shit. I’m not actually going to swipe on any guys that look, uh, decent? Yuck, can’t believe I just said that, uhm, because I-because I feel like some actually deserve a chance with someone? I don’t wanna get anyone’s hopes up, as I am currently in a long distance relationship with Chrollo. So I’m just gonna swipe on, like, frat boy assholes. Because I don’t care if I hurt their feelings. Quite frankly I don’t think they possess them in the first place.”

The chat voices their agreements. With the ground rules set, you, giddy, click on the first profile.

Does Tinder know what you’re doing, your plan? The FBI agent watching you through your phone must be working overtime, bless his heart. They must, because the the first guy to meet you is named Jason, and there he is, blond hair and blue eyes, holding up a fish the size of his torso. Marginally adequate in looks, pretty good muscles. A solid 7 bordering on 8. He’s the same age as you, 15 miles away, and he studies at some college you don’t care enough to look up. Bio reads:

I like to drive fast. Fishing is my passion, but if you can’t catch me by the ocean, you’ll catch me catching waves, bro! Love a good gym date. You do squats, and I’ll keep a close eye to make sure you’re doing it correctly ;) You probably saw me at a party. Leader of the The Phi Kappa Psi. I’m a Gemini, if that matters lol.

You, of course, read it aloud, dramatically; provide some constructive criticism-he seems nice, but he’s a Gemini, so naturally, you can’t trust him at all! Also, that gym date session leaves little to be desired. With your rant done, you swipe right, and shocker! (not), it’s an instant match.

“Okie, I still wanna swipe of some profiles, so I’ll see what he’ll text later-” For a second you wonder the legalities of this stream, but you’re having too much fun to think of it further, “guys, I won't get sued, right?”

NOW she considers it

well....

if you do, we’ll kickstart your lawyer dw <3

Onto the next profile. Kevin, 25, is seen fixing his car- or, you assume he’s mid-fixing it, you don’t really know why else he’d hold a wrench and be covered in oil. He’s shirtless, and the caveman part of your brain echoes something closely resembling AWOOOGA!, but...but!...blonde hair, blue eyes. You pout again, “I don’t...I don’t really like blond boys, ya know? With the blue eyes and all, it’s just not my thing, uhm, unless it’s like-like...Armin from Attack on Titan. Else I don’t care.”

Onto the bio:

You have to treat a car like you treat a woman: go on long rides, take the lead, but most importantly, keep her oiled up 😜

“What the fuck did I just read?”

The chat is equally confused. You swipe right anyway- another match. Too easy.

The stream continues without incident for a solid thirty minutes- all of your matches, expect a few that genuinely looked like normal dudes that really couldn’t write a decent bio to save their lives, had been blond hair blue eyed gym rats with ranging forms of misogyny. Some opened with asking for nudes out right, some asked about your day first before asking for nudes. You prefer the former. Straight to the point! You admire the gall.

But then, down the forty-five minute mark a profile popped up that made you still by your phone, your smile dying as your eyes bulged. Dear God. Lord in heaven. Who is this demonspiit lookalike and why is he so fucking hot? The neck tats, the skateboard, the clothes- holy shit, you gotta close your mouth before some drool dribbles out.

No bio, just his name, Tyler, and that he’s 23.

“He boutta be 23 in me.” You mutter, swiping right with lightning speed.

WHAT DID SHE SAYYYYY?????????

tyler is y/ns karma for relentlessly mocking that one guy that had a whole ass list on what his “female” partner should be

^he deserved it and also tyler seems like a typical fuckboi y/n grow a braincell

look at mom 🥺 her eyes are sparkling

It wasn’t a match right away. You somehow expected as much, but it still upset you. Simp behavior, pathetic. The stream continued bravely, and when Tyler messaged you a simple “yo” you totally didn’t sequel. You didn’t manage to text him back on stream: texting all those guys that you didn’t really find all that attractive was easy, but this...You’re a sucker for a man who radiates red flag energy. His whole profile is a red flag. He might just be a red flag himself.

What can you do? Suddenly becoming color blind is not easy. Once the stream ends, you unmatch with everyone expect Tyler. He you chat with for a bit, but a sudden craving for different company makes you abandon him, too. You don’t feel too heartbroken for him- you’re certain there’s already too many girls in his dms. You wish them luck.

Happily, you delete Tinder. You go to Twitter, notice you’re trending again- look at you go! Queen shit- and as you compose a thank you tweet, something strange happens. You go to text Corpse, but when you click on his profile you grow cold.

YOU’RE BLOCKED. You can’t follow or see @/Corpse_Husband ‘s Tweets.

...Pardon? You hop onto Instragram and-also blocked. Seriously? And you thought you’re one petty bitch. Corpse is seriously prissy about everything. Damn, if he didn’t like your stream, he could’ve just said so. Didn’t need to, like, block you from his internet existence. So not cool.

You try texting him but no text go through. Well how will you let him know you deleted Tinder just like he asked? You relieve your frustrations by punching your pillow a few times. Later, you apologize to her, you didn’t mean to hurt her, it’s not her, it’s you. Fuck, 5 minutes of exile and you’re already loosing your mind.

“Raeeeeeeeeeeee!” You whine loudly. It’s roughly 2am now, but you don’t care. You’re too heartbroken to care. There’s a thump from her room, but nothing else, “Raeeeeeeeee!!!” You wail, wallowing in self-pity on your bed. You hear a very loud, very annoyed sigh from her room, followed by angry marching. Your door is abruptly thrown open, and in the dim, colorful light you see her scowl.

“What?” She grits.

“Can you please tell Corpse to unblock me from everything?”

“What did you do now?”

“I made fun of men on Tinder.”

She pauses, “...That doesn’t sound so bad.” She surmises, voice laced with suspicion, “What else?”

“...There was one really hot guy that I kinda sorta talked to after--”

“Y/n.”

“-But I totally deleted Tinder and honestly he was pretty boring, so, like, uhm, please?”

She sighs, the servery of which implies she is holding the weight of the world on her shoulders, and instantly you know that you won. She taps away at her phone, “You owe me one.” She states, and before you can reply, she exits your room and slams the door behind her.

Grinning, you text his phone again. The message goes through, oh gosh, you’re so relieved you feel like crying. This has been, officially, the worst five minutes of your life.

You Y DID U BLOCK ME LOSER!!! MAJOR LOSER ALERT!! I DELETED EVERYTHING IT WAS A JOKE r u still mad at me? y u always mad at me i never do anything:(

my husband You’re my baby, how do you think I’ll react when I see you publicly simping for some asshole on Tinder?

Oh no, he used the words, he delivered the killing blow. You’re finished. Your heart can’t take such a workout.

Not that you would ever admit it to him, though!

You hehe ur jellyyyy u always dis jealous hehe?

my husband Not jealous.

Yeah, you might not be the brightest tool in the shed, but even you know that’s a lie. You send him an array of kissy emojis that he doesn’t have the decency to reply to. Then, completely unprompted and dead serious, you send him a simple voice memo, saying: “You really have nothing to worry about, you know? You’re my favorite, Corpsie.”

He responds via text, reiterating that he’s not fucking jealous and that he just doesn’t like when you show such outward interest in anyone but it’s not like he cares or anything. It’s just really, like, weeeeird to see his baby simping for another man like that totally ruins the whole dynamic!!! It was only natural that he should block you on every social media platform, including his personal number (which, like, was completely necessary! Doesn’t matter that his viewers can’t see it, it’s gotta be super believable!), and inform his followers of that, because it’s all a joke, like, for the dynamic, that Youtube grind, you know? Ya dig? No personal feelings were involved at all. He totally wasn’t upset that you found someone else cute, no way!

my husband I’m not jealous. Lol.

You ik u repeated tht like 50 times u trynna convince me or??? lmao

my husband No comment. ...You don’t actually talk to anyone else like we’re talking, right?

You no one else calls me their baby if thts wat ur wondering at least not to my knowledge lol im all urs

my husband That makes me very happy to hear:)

Yeah, it makes you very happy, too.

hope you liked it!! xx

#corpse husband #corpse husband x reader #corpse #corpse x reader #corpse husband x y/n #corpse x y/n #myso #make you say oh #imagine #imagines

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birdsthatsingaftermidnight · 4 years

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So, we’re watching Return of the Jedi

The alarm going off has nothing to do with the force field being down and everything to do with Darth Vader arriving. AWOOOGA AWOOOGA WEAR LOOSE COLLARED SHIRTS SO AS NOT TO GIVE HIM IDEAS.

- - -

"I hope so, Commander, for your sake. Don't make me promote you to Admiral so I can kill you and promote someone else to Admiral in your place!"

- - -

"Ne wanga wanga" tentatively translated as "We don't buy at the door."

- - -

"Look, R2! It's Captain Solo! And he's no longer frozen in carbonite! Now he's stored in a massive Irn Bru bottle as a conversation piece!"

- - -

Enter Princess Leia - Space BADASS. Seriously, I watched this when I was five or so and she made such an impact on me.

- - -

Whatever language that is, it doesn't half make "yoto" work for it.

- - -

It's Lando Calrissian! Cunningly disguised by covering his chin. Well DONE, Lando!

- - -

Han Solo falls to the ground, blind and shivering. "I can't see." "Shh. You’re over-reacting to the flu. Take some paracetamol and GET UP."

- - -

"Ho ho ho!" "What's that?" "Oh no! It's SANTA!"

- - -

Chewbacca: "Rarrr!" Tentative translation: "It's only a COLD! Will you PLEASE stop going ON!"

- - -

Luke's not doing anything to the Space D&D Orcs - they're just painfully shy and don't like being pointed at.

- - -

Luke's soft voiced instructions and Bib Fortuna repeating them is great.

- - -

Why doesn't Huttese have words for "Old", "Mind" and "Trick"? I can buy not bothering to translate "Jedi" but otherwise it's just plain lazy.

- - -

I always felt sorry, even as a kid, for the Rancor keeper. I mean, yes, he does enjoy watching the beasty eat people up, but he's SO SAD that his pet is dead! I hope he got a puppy or something to keep him company.

- - -

And where on earth are they going to find a shoe box big enough to bury him in the sad patch behind the shed?

- - -

What makes the Sarlak all-powerful? It's a toothy hole in the ground. It's not like he's going to come over there and get you if you don't stop talking shit.

- - -

Han Solo's dialogue from "I think my eyes are getting better" to "he'll get no such pleasure from us. Right?" is beautiful.

- - -

Bobba Fett - terrifying bounty hunter or space idiot? YOU DECIDE!

- - -

PRINCESS LEIA.

SPACE.

BADASS.

- - -

"Let's go. And don't forget the droids. And somebody lend Leia a t-shirt."

- - -

Yoda: "Twilight is upon me. Read them I have. Will to live lost. Mmmm."

- - -

Why does Luke have to confront Vader again in order to be a Jedi? It seems so arbitrary. Luke: "Instead of confronting Vader, can't I do like three moderately difficult things instead? Drain the swamp. Give you a mani-pedi. I don't know, bake you a cake?"

- - -

Luke: "You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father." Obi-Wan: "Your father was seduced by the dark side of the Force. Because he was a twat."

- - -

Luke: "Leia. Leia is my sister... but... we..." [Luke vomits in swamp.]

- - -

Mon Mothma, in a haunted voice: "Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

"Maybe we shouldn't have written it on Bothan hide."

- - -

General Madine's fake beard is INCREDIBLE. Do you think he's on the run and thus in disguise? If so, I really hope Madine's not his real name, because if it is Mon Mothma just outed him to EVERYONE.

- - -

I love that Han and Chewie bicker like they're a couple on a road-trip and one of them wants to stop and ask for directions.

- - -

"We're all in camouflage, blending in superbly with the Forest Moon landscape. This is excellent! No one will spot us! Let's just remember to bring our pessimistic, anxiety-ridden, SHINY GOLDEN droid with us! That will help us blend in YET MORE BETTER STILL!"

- - -

Finally, a Stormtrooper that hit something!

Seriously - you're going at a MILLION MILES AN HOUR on the Forest Moon of Endor, which is stuffed with Giant Redwoods. WHY WOULD YOU LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER INSTEAD OF IN FRONT OF YOU? WHY? That guy is now the poster child for speeder bike safety.

- - -

"Take the squad ahead! You don't need leaders! We're not necessary! You do your thing and we'll go rescue Leia from the Space Bears."

- - -

"Freeze!" [Leia removes poncho. It’s cold on that there moon.]

- - -

Space Bears, sir! THAAAAAAAZANDS OF THEM!

- - -

Why is Princess Leia not getting cooked? Because, as previously discussed, she is a Space. Badass.

- - -

Ewoks: "We think he's a god. Just a really rubbish one."

- - -

"Now, C-3PO, if someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!"

- - -

By the look on Princess Leia's face, she's just remembered the few times she kissed Luke.

- - -

Emperor: "You want this, don't you?" [Strokes lightsaber suggestively.] Luke: [shudders]

- - -

Emperor: "You, like your father, are now MINE." Me: "It's all going a bit Hugh le Despensers in here." Him: [Knows better than to risk an impromptu history lesson by asking.]

- - -

Everything Admiral Ackbar says is golden. Everything.

- - -

Darth Vader: "It is too late for me, son. Several books I took out of the Naboo library are twenty years overdue and I can't afford to pay the fines. The Emperor is not generous with his pay scales."

- - -

Imperial Officer, thinking: “We’re winning! But ooh… hang on. Ooh, no. The rebels are scary and they have guns and… hold up! I’ve got Stormtroopers! STORMTROOPERS! ADVANCE! Get them surrounded. More surrounded… bit more… Point your guns at them! Oh my good gravy, yes! YES! They’ve surrendered! NOW’S MY CHANCE! Imperial Officer, out loud: "You rebel scum!” Imperial Officer, thinking: "I AM THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE! YESSSSSS!!!!!"

- - -

Lando: "Only the fighters are attacking. I wonder what those star destroyers are waiting for?" [Cuts to star destroyer] Officer: "I wonder what we're waiting for?"

- - -

Alternatively: Lando: "Only the fighters are attacking. I wonder what those star destroyers are waiting for?" Emperor: "You may fire once peak electricity time is OVER, and NOT before!"

- - -

[Speculatively]: "Do you think Stormtroopers are like tortoises? It's not that the Ewoks are so mighty that pushing people over kills them, it's just they can't get up again."

- - -

I don't know why Darth Vader doesn't go down the route that Palpatine did when converting him. It worked well enough to convince him to do any number of rotten things!

"Give in to the dark side, Luke! WE HAVE COOKIES and the Emperor lets you stay up ALL NIGHT if you want!"

- - -

The saddest part of this movie is when one ewok tries to wake the other ewok then realises the other ewok is dead.

- - -

The Emperor does brilliantly evil enunciation.

- - -

The Emperor: "Your feeble powers are no match for the static generated by my polyester robe!" [shuffles feet on carpet; zarks Luke.]

- - -

The guards the Emperor sent away when Luke arrives, peaking around the corner 1: "It's okay, Darth Vader will protect the Emperor. Yup. There he goes. Oh. Oh, he's lost a hand! Oh, no! It's okay! The Skywalker chap's given up! Oooh! Tough break with the lightning! It's okay though, I reckon we can relax. Darth Vader's not going to grab the Emperor and throw him down that- oh. Oh buggery fuck." The guards the Emperor sent away when Luke arrives, peaking around the corner 2: "Reckon it's time to join the Rebellion, Pete." The guards the Emperor sent away when Luke arrives, peaking around the corner 1: "Yup."

- - -

Darth Vader: "Do you think killing the Emperor is enough to get those library fines taken off?"

- - -

When is an A-Wing not an A-Wing? When it's suddenly a flaming Ford pick-up truck slamming though the window!

- - -

...do you think Darth Vader has to take vitamin D supplements in order not to get rickets?

- - -

Luke's plan: "Look everyone! I saved him! He's back to the light side!" Everyone else: "That's... Darth Vader." Luke: "Yep! And he's a goody now! Isn't that BRILLIANT?" Everyone else: "...um..." Luke: "Let's have a PARTY! Then we can find something for him to do! Isn't this GREAT?" Leia: <facepalm> Darth Vader: "I'm good with children. I have experience. Any you want getting rid of?" Luke: <beaming happily> Everyone else: <stunned silence> Darth Vader: "I'm good at making sure they don't get out of hand."

- - -

Luke: <sadly sets fire to Darth Vader.> Han Solo, downwind: "Could anyone else really go some barbecue right now?"

- - -

Ewok playing music on stormtrooper helmets: "There is a more than zero percent chance that we cooked and ate the previous inhabitants of what is now my new xylophone."

- - -

Force Ghost Obi-Wan: "Wait a minute. How did he get to come back as a young, handsome version of himself? WHY DIDN'T I GET TO COME BACK AS EWAN MCGREGOR?!"

#Star Wars #Return of the Jedi #RotJ #Leia Organa #Princess Leia #Luke Skywalker #Darth Vader #Anakin Skywalker #Obi Wan Kenobi #Han Solo #Emperor Palpatine #hilarity

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