#autism won today this took me 1 hour to write | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

haemosexuality · 11 months

Text

im rewatching she-ra and naturally im gonna want to write about it a lot. starting by breaking down the catradora conflict origin story scene from s01e02 the sword part 2

people have said this before but the most important thing to keep in mind here is how different their understanding of whats going on is. theyre both approaching this with completely different views and so they misunderstand what the other means.

Adora: There's no time. We have to put a stop this.

Catra: What? Why?

Adora: Because this is a civilian town. Look around! These aren't insurgents. They're innocent people.

Catra: Yeah, sure. Innocent people who kidnapped a Horde officer. Now come on, let's get you back to the Fright Zone. Shadow Weaver is freaking out. [laughing] It'd be funny if she weren't such a terrible person.

so immediately theres two things i wanna say about this part, about how catra reacts to stuff. first off, something we learn about catra throughout the whole show and especially in the portal-alternative-reality, is that shes big on Pretending Nothing Is Wrong. whenever shes feeling upset or angry about something, she will start joking around and acting like shes just totally super chill guys, dw ("Ugh, whatever. It's not like I even care. I just wanna get out of this dump at some point before I dieee of boredom). Shes acting like that in this scene. Adora was missing for hours, shadow weaver was breathing down her neck and threatening her, she was already worried adora might have left at this point. she cant let adora know how worried she was tho, so shes all jokes and fast paced conversation. To Adora, tho, it just looks like catra doesnt care, like she doesnt understand the gravity of the situation.

and the other thing is that honestly? I dont think catra does care. about the town, i mean. i think catra was ready for war in a way adora never was. theyre both seeing combat for the first time here, and adora hates it. training for war is completely different than being in the battlefield, and adora couldnt handle it. face to face with it she couldnt tolerate seeing people suffering and dying, houses being burned down, a whole village destroyed. when the horde brainwashed adora into thinking they were only doing the necessary to save etheria, she completely and fully believed it, and when faced with the reality of the horde she immediately realized how wrong that was. Catra, tho, could not care less. she never believed in what the horde said, she knew full well what the horde did, so this isnt a surprise for her. and i do think shes naturally a bit sadistic, or at least growing up among the violence of the horde made her so. either way, shes seeing battle here for the first time and shes completely fine with it. doesnt even spare it all a second glance. why would she care about these people she never met if the most important thing in the world is right here in front of her? (i think even if adora hadnt left that night and went into the battlefield as a force captain, she wouldve ended up deserting. she cant stand seeing people suffer and she cant stand not saving them. shes too good, too selfless for that. catra isnt.) (also she is so ready to kill at all times. she loves violence. i once saw someone say how shadow weaver thought adora was the "cutthroat, ruthless warrior" when that was actually catra and they were totally right)

adora is also trying something futile here, she doesnt need to explain to catra that the horde is bad and hurts innocent ppl because catra has known that all her life

Adora: Catra, no. I can't go back. Not until the Horde leaves this town alone. You have to help me.

Catra: What are you saying?

Adora: I’m saying, this is wrong. They've been lying to us, manipulating us. Hordak, Shadow Weaver, all of them.

Catra: Duh! Did ya just figure that out? Manipulation is Shadow Weaver's whole thing. She's been messing with our heads since we were kids.

(the captions in the pics are slightly wrong, nvm that.) everything i said before. adora just realized all of this, while catra has always known, probably because the abuse adora suffered was more manipulation-and-brainwashing, while shadow weaver always made clear to catra that she didnt give a shit about her, so she suffered physical abuse with little attempt to convince her this was fine.

the "what are you saying?" is one of the things that show how different their perspective is. adora is talking about going against the horde and helping the town, while catra immediately gets more personal. what do you mean? are you saying that you might leave the horde? leave me?

Adora: How could you possibly be okay with that?

adora means, how could you be ok with the horde lying about its actions, and killing innocent people? how could you be ok with the horde raising us to do the same? and catra hears, how could you be ok with shadow weaver and hordak abusing us?

Catra: Because, it doesn't matter what they do. The two of us look out for each other. And soon we'll be calling the shots. Now come on, can we go home already?

catra replies: because, i love you. because you have my back and i have yours. because nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other, remember? and soon enough, we'll be powerful enough that they cant hurt us anymore. Adora hears, because i dont care about these people dying, the only thing thats important is you and i. and anyways, soon its gonna be Us killing them, isnt that good? lets go back home to the evil murder place.

Adora: I'm not going home, Catra. I can't. Not after everything I've seen. Come with me. You don't have to go back there. We can fix this.

adora says: im starting to realize now how wrong i was about everything. we're not the good guys, and i cant stand for that. i cant stand around and watch people get hurt. i cant stand around and watch you get hurt. lets leave, together, and have a better life, please. lets do the right thing.

Catra: Are you kidding? You've known these people for, what, a couple of hours? And now you're just gonna throw everything away for them?

catra hears, shes willing to leave me. after everything i did for her, all that i took, all of these years of us being together, she would still leave me. she would break our promise. she would leave me behind.

and then she straight up electrocutes adora. ok

she says it was a reflex, but i dont know if i believe her. i dont think she likes hurting adora (not physically. not by this point, anyways), but i do think that shes the type to lash out when upset and immediately regret it, then feel guily about it. which just makes her more upset. :(

Catra: Oh, man. That was a lot stronger than I thought. Are you okay?

Adora: Why are you doing this?

Catra: Because you left me! And if I don't bring you back, Shadow Weaver’s gonna have my head. So, enough with your weird little identity crisis and let's go home already. Or do I need to zap you again?

thats the last time they talk. adora gets teleported away by glimmer, and when they see each other again, its clear that they both made their choice.

the moment adora showed catra she was willing to leave her, there was no coming back for them. because catra would never get over that. she'd spend all her life in that hellscape, putting up with abuse and bullying and probably so much more we dont get to see, because of the promise adora made her. and, in her eyes, adora was ready to leave her on the first opportunity that came up. that hurt. that broke her. and that released something really ugly inside of her.

cue in 2,5 years of homoerotic rivalry and trauma. ok post over if you read this i hope you liked it <3 bye

#autism won today this took me 1 hour to write #she ra #catra #character analysis #ig??#edit while reading old spop posts by other ppl i realized my mind might have plagiarized this from a post i read several years ago. my bad #it wasnt a conscious decision

135 notes · View notes

actuallylorelaigilmore · 5 years

Text

i just need to vent. ranting about the us system for mental health care ahead. i wasn’t going to put it behind a cut, but it got obscenely long.

okay. so anyone who knows me or who follows this blog knows that my brain is pretty broken. it’s creative, and fun, and smart, and all that, but also just suuuuuuuper broken.

because us healthcare is ALSO broken, i didn’t get my full slate of diagnoses until i was almost thirty. and that was a long, convoluted process that is a whole other story, but what matters at this point is that my fascinating brain is officially comprised of generalized anxiety, bipolar 1 disorder, autism, and adhd (plus i think a few cats in a trenchcoat).

now, if you’re not familiar with all of those disorders, like i wasn’t prior to being diagnosed, you might be surprised to learn that the combination? is INCREDIBLY fun. the stimulants that they often prescribe to those of us with adhd can trigger manic episodes in those of us who are bipolar, which means two parts of my brain are locked in a permanent battle to see which one gets treatment and which one just gets to drive me crazy.

before i won my disability case a few years ago, i didn’t have insurance, and i lived in utah, a state that is super proud to have healthcare for mormons & the wealthy and death for everyone else. while i was there, the battle over utah rejecting aca money just to spite the sick and poor was raging on, and so my mental health care was a free clinic that was prohibited from prescribing the exact medication i needed for the problem i went to them for.

instead of helping treat my adhd, they gave me my first diagnosis that would eventually be specified as bipolar 1 disorder, and they gave me meds for THAT and told me it would probably help the adhd too.

it didn’t.

but being medicated for the bipolar disorder was still pretty amazing. the difference between me on meds and me off them isn’t like, institutionalization yet, thank the gods. but it is the difference between feeling sad and then moving on with my day or me standing in one spot sobbing uncontrollably until i nearly pass out because a movie I HAD SEEN BEFORE was sad.

but you know what’s just fabulous about us healthcare? (spoiler alert: the answer is nothing) the care you have access to varies based on where you live!! and because we can all control exactly where we live based on our healthcare needs, that’s just wonderfully designed. really fantastic.

so when we moved from utah to california, a move that was wanted but also financially necessary, i went from a localized system of university-based insurance to a different plan each time i found myself in a new city. because even if i was only moving a hour away, it put me across the county line, which of course changes your options every. single. time. you move.

and every single time i moved, and got a new insurance plan, i had to find new doctors. which meant waiting while i was transferred to the new plan, then waiting until i could see my new doctor, then waiting to see the specialist approved by my insurance, and none of that included the time it took me to actually contact each of those people, because i have to talk myself through an impending panic attack every time i dial the phone.

but that’s not even the worst of it. the waiting sucks, the long loooooong gaps in coverage and going without my medication sucks. but the worst of it is not being able to be treated at all.

it’s been more than five years now, since i went to a college counselor who told me they couldn’t help with the focusing problems i was having that were so severe i couldn’t do my class readings. it’s been almost that long since the free clinic promised me that if i just took the anti-seizure medication that they used for bipolar disorder, my adhd symptoms would improve.

it’s been years since the incredibly kind and knowledgeable psychiatrist in salt lake city explained my four concurrent disorders to me, and then explained why i couldn’t be allowed help for the adhd because it was just too dangerous.

it’s been more than a year since i went to multiple talk therapy sessions that were required before getting me a prescribing psychiatrist appointment, only to be told when i arrived for that final, promised-land-after-years-in-the-crazy-desert-of-my-brain appointment, that the psychiatrist didn’t feel qualified to work with my multiple conflicting disorders and there was nothing anyone could do for me. i broke down crying in the lobby. i still feel bad for the receptionist who was given the awesome job of telling me that.

i think it’s been about a year that we’ve lived here now, in this NEW california city, where i have ANOTHER primary care provider. this one had trouble communicating with my autistic self at my first appointment, and i might still be there asking her to explain her questions better if my spouse hadn’t been in the room to translate for me.

my new doctor (the third, or the fifth, or the seventh, at this point, i’ve lost count) will not prescribe mental health medication to me. i have to see a specialist. which i get on principle, it isn’t her expertise and i’m new to the area. but it’s a year later, and i’m still off my meds, and i’m still trying to get back on them, let alone get help FOR THE THING I SOUGHT HELP FOR five years ago.

today my spouse was able to get through to my referred psychiatrist, who i’d been getting the voicemail of with no reply for months now. he isn’t available. the last psychiatrist i was assigned won’t take patients who have the doctor i have as a primary care provider. the one before that wasn’t accepting my insurance--the insurance that assigned them to me.

so now my insurance will try again, taking whatever next step they’re going to escalate to. if my spouse weren’t making the phone calls for me, i don’t think i would even still be trying at this point, because today’s dead end wasn’t even a surprise. i don’t expect anything else anymore. i’m so far past the point of losing hope, it no longer even hurts.

this is where i am. something about where i live, or the way the system is set up, or how my brain is busted, makes me impossible to help.

anyway, i whine a lot on my blog about not being able to focus, about not having the energy to function, about wanting to write or read a book, or make things. i miss knitting. i can’t keep track of the stitches when i try to follow a pattern, so i don’t do it anymore. but it used to be fun.

so i guess the point of this, beyond getting it all out because i feel numb and it’s unsettling and at least rambling my feelings proves that i have them, is that i’m pretty hard on myself, publicly and privately, when i can’t get my brain to work the way i wish it could. it’s a process of deterioration, the more i go without care and the older i get--and that sucks.

but as hard as it is, it’s not all my fault. the external factors, things i can’t control, about america, about health insurance, about my brain...it hurts even more because i can’t control them, but i should try harder to remember that i can’t. the more frustrated i am, the more i feel like i’m not trying hard enough, and that isn’t true. i’m trying really hard, and i just can’t fix me alone.

i’d like to learn to blame myself a little less for that.

#if you made it to the end of this you deserve a prize #i have a lot of feelings #health insurance #adhd #bipolar disorder #autism #anxiety #mental health #us healthcare #me #life stuff #/whining

22 notes · View notes