#as shitty as tumblr can be i really love the tagging system. the lack of an algorithm. how year-old posts can be revived simply bc someone
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HATEEE when really good artists refuse to use tumblr. get your ass over here. stop using twitter
#talking#i don't understand the appeal of twitter at all. it feels so... sanitized#as shitty as tumblr can be i really love the tagging system. the lack of an algorithm. how year-old posts can be revived simply bc someone#decided to reblog it again. on twitter shit just dies after 2-3 days and that's it. it's genuinely sad
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Vanity Headcanon in response to the previous headcanon: Vanity does such sadistic things, like writing angst, not creating a masterlist, etc. bc of her trauma. Specifically, her doing it is an example of her self-sabotaging tendencies where she holds people to this unattainable standard (finding her fics which is nearly impossible with lacking tags a d tumblr beung tumblr for instance) and then becoming distraught and overwhelmed because of the surplus of her work and simultaneously relieved because of old works she might not be as proud of having a slimmer chance of being found. And then she teases ppl for it, happy that they desire her work and secretly relishing over the slight power she has over them, giving way to issues with control.
Girl, this was one to UNPACK 😂😂 Buckle up bois, we getting into my psyche 😂. Can't wait until I regret being so honest 😂
I reckon I do self sabotage a lot of things. Not so sure if i do with fics 😂 but fuck it, let's get into my mindset on fics 😂
I have a specific adoration for bittersweet angst. Like to be sad something is over with or a reminiscing a memory. If it's a break-up and there's nothing bittersweet about it. Nothing but hurt and I tend not to read it because for me it can fall into being told things are shit but not really going into it. I feel things rather deeply I'd say in life and naturally that comes out in fics. If I have to write something sad like death, I want to express the full thing, the pain, the hurt, the loss and grief and why those feelings are there. Kind of romanticising the everyday moments hoping that one day I can look back on my life and romanticise all the things I have done and who with. Rather than focus on the end goal of feeling successful by how much money I have, what my career was, how many kids I had and where they went to college. All things that was instilled in me at a young age, I want to be able to think. "In this picture, I might not remember how old I was but it made me really happy. In that moment, I was happy where I was and felt loved. I spent time with this person and that was enough." I want to focus more on memories and the connections I make rather than assets. I think that rubs off in my writing and because I'm a sentimental sappy lil shit, it usually comes out in angst.
Should probably throw in that I have mental illnesses and so sometimes it's hard to write about happy fluffy shit that doesn't make me think about what I'm missing, ehat i should be and blah de blah. 👀😂
But yes, my fics are very reflective because I do a lot of reflecting myself with some shitty things that have happened in my life and my pure dissatisfaction of how those experiences have shaped me and my struggles today so you might be onto something with the trauma part 😂
So scrolling back to a blog ago I decided after many many many many years of imagining stories in my head to cope with my struggles that I would put them on the Internet like other people did. I was terrified and made sure my identity was kept hidden. No one would ever find out who I was and those who did know me would never know this is what I do. I didn't even expect to do it very long but this...omg this is the highlight. I didn't think they'd get much attention. When I first did this, I was posting 11 stories a day.
Fast forward to the first time I'm asked about a masterlist...
I'm between 2-4 thousand fics in with no knowledge on how to make them. Vanity isnt tech savvy and half the time technology won't cooperate with Vanity. I'm well into a year or two of doing this.
Now I might be an arsehole for this thinking but that was a big old fuck thaaaaat. I'm working at the time, I have college and a job to hold down after that. It was a big ol' NOPE. Not possible. Plus, it's fine, people will grow bored of me and I'll fade away OR again, I won't be doing this for very long anyway.
I was wrong.
So what did I do? Made a tag system. You want this prat? Search the name, you'll find said prat here with the rest of him.
Then I was made aware that tumblr decided if you so much name drop a prat then said fics WILL BE INCLUDED. This was a problem BUT IM IN TOO DEEP AND NOW OVER 4000 FICS IN.
I'm also becoming aware that people aren't forgetting me. Infact I have more followers than I've ever had in my life and its approaching 1.7k. I have a rather nasty panic attack because it felt like all eyes were on me and i wanted to run like fuck...roughly ten mins into said panic attack, I deleted that blog.
ROLL IN THIS BLOG. Guess what, Vanity still can't make a bloody masterlist. People are screaming at me because they thought the lost me for good and I'm coming to terms with an alarming amount of people actually caring about my fics. But people weren't supposed to! This was just a random person trying to have a fun tome with her imagination that could only dream of people liking her stuff...AND IT WAS HAPPENING!?
But then a new challenger! Ya gal realises that she's written all these fics...and doesn't want them to be noticed but then why have I put them on the Internet for people to see!? Wtf!? Yet I keep going. "Please, don't see this. Please. Come on. Don't notice this." *presses post* "I'm actually shit at writing but it's fun, as long as people don't notice-* *reaches over 100+ notes*
Then the master lists come up AGAIN. She still doesn't understand how to do them and now I'm at 8000. Someone OFFERS to make one and I refuse because that's torture for me to even think of never mind let someone else do that. Live your life babe, I am not worthy of that valuable time.
Now I face intense imposter syndrome that I can't rationalise with. Feel giddy when I get feedback and grow confident to push my boundaries, get insecure and hide back into my hidey hole. Not to mention the constant feeling of letting people down when I don't consistently post and better yet, anything I do write is utter garbage and my supporters deserve better.
So kind of, more of me not knowing how to handle this stuff nor myself so I take it a day at a time and hiss at the thought of a masterlist. It hurts to think about. Like say I go through all the bother of making a bible of masterlists that'll require masterlists for the masterlists and then I have to UPDATE IT ALL THE TIME?
Nah, I have over 60 WIPs jumping around in my brain, I don't have the mental capacity. 😂 I mean I went into this thinking I'd grow out of it. IM STILL HERE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS THINKING "OH WHAT IF I BECAME AN AUTHOR?" Only to be realise I might have exhausted myself with the fanfic writing and even more so the strong feeling no one would want that. None of the characters I write about are mine and that's who the people are here for. Not to mention I DONT HAVE THE CONFIDENCE 😭 AS USUAL.
Ugh, I feel sick just thinking about all of this.😂
I don't think I just do. Writing is the do. Masterlists is the thinking.
props to those who read ALL OF THIS. You troopers, smooches ❤️
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About DTIK (sorry that I was late reading your reply), I think it's really good. Not sure about tumblr cuz it's not as convenient as ao3 in terms of searching and filtering fics. I checked your fic on ao3; maybe change your rating though cuz you put general audience with a smut tag😅. One of the good things about ao3 is the hits really, you can see how many people have clicked your fic. I find your TBAH and DTIK really unique because.. really, not many people write about those. 9 tails and 4 arms demon. And I think that many people post their fics on ao3 because you can just go crazy and write bizzare fics and most readers know that, especially with the extra warning if there's below 18 reader. I know I'm all talk cuz I don't reblog fics on tumblr, but I love to leave kudos and bookmarks to good fics on ao3. I'm sorry, reblogging just kinda takes effort (I don't like disorganization with the tags and I like to stay anonymous here); ao3 is kind of just one two clicks away. I hope you still enjoy writing it, because even if it's not on high demand, if you like it, I think you can finish it. I'm sorry if I cross the line. I just really wish you want to continue it
you’re okay my lovely!!
oh yeah, DTIK was the first fic i ever posted on ao3 so the tags and all that are probably wrong because i didn’t know how to use it LMAO
maybe if i ever repost DTIK id keep it on ao3, i guess it did okay on tumblr, but i find that readers on here mostly don’t like super long fics, or i just didn’t brand it right or maybe something else. tumblr is still a mystery i’ve not figured out quite yet
a lot of people said the same things about TBAH and DTIK when they were only 2 fics on this page 🫡 i used to be so happy having exclusively unique fics too :(( that would have been so fun if that had become my trademark as a writer but i guess it wasn’t meant to be
hmm maybe exclusively on ao3 is the way to go then, i used to read most of my fics from ao3 so i’m familiar with how easy the system is, and maybe then lack of interaction on tumblr won’t weigh me down and kinda make me push the series to the side
i’ve talked about this with someone before on here about his disorganized storing fics are. especially because reblogs help a lot, but then it kinda clogs your page up and likes are useless because now i just have fics i like laying in the depths of my liked tab and i doubt they’ll ever see the light of day again 🥲 i think i go through a crisis every other month at this point, wanting to just re-start my whole blog because it feels like a huge mess and i never know how to fix it.
honestly, the only reason i started posting on tumblr was because of the inbox. it felt like having the anon feature gave people like me, who don’t like being perceived a chance to communicate and i thought, if i posted on here then at least some people might come in my inbox and that would be cute and then we can vibe. everything else about this app is kinda shitty
you’re not crossing the line at all!! i think if anything you’ve helped me out!! i truly do love that series more than anything i’ve ever written, it’s just the lack of enthusiasm from other people kinda made me feel like i shouldn’t waste other peoples time by writing it, like why would they wanna see that on their dashboard, you know???
i said in the last ask, but i have part of the first chapter already rewritten, and obviously the rest of the series isn’t gonna be hard to catch up with in terms of rewriting, i’m not changing the plot. just adapting the style slightly
ahhh you know i used to be so excited for people to finally read the ending because i just knew that if people were invested in the series and they read the final chapter they’d be like ???? oh 🏃♀️🏃♀️
thank you for lighting the spark of inspiration for me, and thank you for loving the series 🫂 it means the world to me that you like it and want to know what happens next 💞 i don’t think i’ve abandoned it quite yet and i’m sorry you’ve had to wait so long for any sort of update
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How do you keep writing on bad days where your writing barely get any attention?🥺 sometimes I feel like giving up like some others would be better. It’s so discouraging
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I hear you and I can assure you that no one can do what you do better than yourself. Your ideas are your own, and while multiple can have the same concept, no one can bring your idea to life the way you can.
When it comes to a lack of attention, one of the most important and hardest things to accept is that it’s not about you. It’s hard to separate yourself from your writing because you created it, but it’s the truth. The shitty part about writing (especially on tumblr), is that there are a lot of factors that contribute to engagement that are out of our control.
Tumblr’s tagging system is crap and doesn’t work as well as it should.
You can’t predict when everyone will be online. There are general times when more people are on, but this fluctuates. If you post when not a lot of people are online, then your post gets lost in the mix.
Fandoms go through tides of active engagement and then nothing.
The playing field isn't even enough for you to draw accurate conclusions from, and so comparing yourself to another writer isn’t accurate or fair to you.
You are not alone, I’ve been feeling this way for a while now. For me, if I feel discouraged or am having a bad (writing) day, then I don’t write. Full stop.
I’ve struggled with setting proper boundaries with myself in the past and it ultimately led me to hating certain hobbies I used to love. I don’t want this to happen with writing, so when I notice I’m discouraged or unmotivated, I step away from my fics and blog. I’ll avoid think about writing and actually writing for hours, days, and sometimes weeks. However long it takes for me and my thoughts to breathe.
Every writer is different, every situation is different, and every discouraging time has it’s own inciting event. Maybe you went into this thinking certain things would happen by a certain point, and they haven’t panned out like you thought they would. It’s okay to feel discouraged about lack of attention and engagement. I think you should experience it, but you shouldn’t wallow in it. Use it as a reality check and ask yourself why are you doing this.
Why are you spending hours of your life writing and posting?
Really look into the deeper answer to this questions. Go past the “Oh, I just really like Star Wars.” Because a lot of people love star wars, but not everyone writes about it. So why writing?
Do you like reading about your favorite characters?
Do you like talking to others about your favorite characters?
Do you want to be a major person in your fandom’s Tumblr community?
Fuck it, do you want to be the next Rough Day?
There is nothing wrong with wanting any of this. Most of us have to some extent, whether we want to admit it or not.
Figure out what really, really motivates you to write. There isn’t a right or wrong answer, and there isn’t anyone you need to tell this to you, except yourself. So be honest.
And it is 1000% okay if you look at yourself and realize you don't want to write anymore. Don't put this inordinate amount of pressure on yourself. You're not getting paid to do this, so don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do. If you need a break, take a break. If you want to stop, then stop. Don't feel guilty or ashamed for it - you are taking care of yourself and that is never something to feel bad about.
This is a whole lot of rambling, I hope it makes sense! Just know you matter and I’m here to listen if you ever want to vent or bounce ideas off of ❤️❤️
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I started answering on the post but Tumblr ate it twice so here's hoping third time is the charm. Also, this turned into an essay, bc I really care for you and wanted to get it all in.
So, as to the drabble "flopping"; I feel you, it always hurts when that happens. But there's a few factors to consider, which is to say stuff outside of your control going on. The first being: Tumblr's not the best place for posting fic. It used to be pretty good, but those days are past; ironically the tagging system improving contributed to that. Before people had to reblog or like posts to find/be able to find later. Now they can actually search for it. The second is naturally that the nsfw ban scared a lot of writers off and people stopped feeling this place for fic so much (not to mention the rise of discourse also did that).
The next is simply, as ever, timing. I used to work in community management (long story) so I am a nerd that looks into the analytics and: https://miraculousfanworks.tumblr.com/post/627913410660663296/attract-those-readers-when-to-post-on-ao3#:~:text=How%20many%20stories%20were%20in,from%2012pm%20to%205pm%20PST. Despite it being an AO3 reason, I've found it holds true for Tumblr too, when I link my fic. Late in the day on humpday just means less traffic overall.
And finally, and this is the painful bit: it's a small fandom. Especially when you compare it to 911 which I think you likely are. I've been suffering from the same myself lately, I've posted what feels like some personal best fic............for teeny fandoms and niche pairings and ten people. Add to that that the show is both off season rn, and, the real kicker, is not a weekly airer. You've noticed how the weekly episode of 911 then has a corresponding uptick of making and consuming of fanworks. Simply put, there's new content so there's new material to work with and people are going "huh that was a cliffhanger, let's soothe it with fic". OBX is netflix and thus generally has a big burst of creation around it dropping then a longish tail and then little radio noise until then. The Witcher is a good comparison, but has two factors going for it: related media (books and video games) and big name stars. OBX is, basically, a lil kayak doing its best. But there's simply not as many people who consume fanwork for it.
Now love, and writing, is never wasted! Every word is a gift you give yourself and your skills. But I wanted to give you a sort of "cold logic" of why that reaction might be what it is, COMPLETELY separate from your actual work or the quality of it you may perceive.
Which was a very long winded way of saying: our reward based ape brains love the numbers. But the numbers come from lots of places. What matters, and what we can't quantify, is how much people loved it. The people creeping on your page and rereading it for the sixth time right now. The ones that messages it to friends. The ones that will think about it, out of the blue for ages. Maybe years. There's no counter for that. Keep creating <3
This might be the most helpful thing anyone could’ve said to me. It’s hard for me to not equate “success” or interaction to my self worth and my skill and I needed like logical factual reasons why it may not be doing well. I knew all along it’s a tiny fandom and I’ve seen with gifsets that interaction isn’t great rn even if you have 8634346323 followers, but idk, I just. I feel like a little kid bringing macaroni art to her mom and hoping she loves it. I was so proud of putting words on paper and like, was immediately like why is no one here to see it. And historically I’m awful to myself anyway, a thing thats exacerbated by like past trauma and shit so. And you’re right, I was kind of I guess thinking 911 numbers in my head and that’s not logical either.
I love this fandom and I haven’t been so inspired by a fandom in a long time so I’m gonna keep writing, if for no reason than I just want to. But I’d be lying if I told you the lack of interaction isn’t gonna be hard for me every single time too. Because that’s just how my shitty brain works I live with one finger on the self destruct button at all times.
Thank you so much for sending this, it really did help. Might fuck around and post the fic to ao3 or something 👀.
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tua s1 rewatch with my roommate
episode one (I forgot for the first episode oops):
I have been treated to pictures of a lovely cosplay of Klaus who won a cosplay contest my roommate was in !!
Klaus putting his arm in front of Five during the funeral fight is good shit
“I have heard like nothing about Vanya” “yeah that’s pretty much how she’s treated in show as well”
“I can see why he’s the fandom favorite” - about Klaus
“Istanbul is in the firST EPISODE?”
I forGOT about the “rapists can climb” line when he breaks into Vanya’s apartment omg but also like,, his dumb arm wound
Episode two:
HERR CARLSON
Aww baby fives first time travel his little smile. Baby. Baby boy. And the dawning horror in the apocalypse baby nO
Five: you got anything stronger
Also five: takes one sip and then fills up more, takes another sip, and then immediately puts it down ?????
The motel dude for hazel and cha cha just looks at them like “yeah these are serial killers” and just rolls with it
Also actually why tf doesn’t the commission spring for better stuff?? Why would they cut costs?? They time travel? They could game the stock market so hard ?????? Give the assassins their own rooms omg
Also why didn’t five like. Crush his tracker. Why did he just leave it whole and intact outside of the Griddys.
Forgot how much I love Agnes
(Oh man it is storming bad here it just BOOMED)
Also idk if Diego actually deserved that taser hmmmmm but also like,, communication lads five was literally right there killing people and Diego is like “hmm something is up here” like. Yeah Diego ur big brother “I can get my sibling in trouble for something” senses are tingling
Wow I really did repress all these Allison and Luther scenes huh. Also it’s still super cute that Allison read Claire moon books
Allison: dads heart gave out, which wasn’t how I was expecting to find out dad had a heart but it tracks
“SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE BEN... said with love 😘”
Did five actually sleep at Vanyas?? The sofa looks undisturbed but he had to wait for work hours to interrogate the meritech people,, five,, please sleep. The whole “IF YOU CALL ME YOUNG MAN ONE MORE TIME” interaction makes more sense with five on. Zero sleep.
I didn’t remember that Patch straight up knows about the umbrella academy oops. Like she clocks Diego as overcompensating for his childhood. Queen
Is that an umbrella adademy Diego cross stitch on Diego’s wall?? Did he buy that? Make it?? Did grace make it?
Vanya, walking into the academy: five??? five? pspspspspsps
Also like. Who was Vanyas therapist??? Clearly they did not help her
Aww the tow truck driver :(
I know the show wants me to dislike Patrick I KNOW,, and I think her fathers funeral is extenuating circumstance?? But still Patrick is valid for not giving an inch regarding his ex who mind controlled his child. Vanya didn’t really deserve Allison snapping at her but like. She had some good points. Allison arguably would have had to deal with vanyas book more than anyone else
Five smiling proudly at Klaus’s drama at meritech bless but also KLAUS DONT BREAK GLASS ON YOURSELF
Me, spotting Leonard: BASTARD
Love how everyone greets Diego in the gym and don’t question all his knives or anything like “yeah that’s Diego he lives here and loves knives :)”
Why could Leonard have not been like. A normal ass guy. Vanya needs friends who sympathize with her holy shit get this person some socialization
Pogo really did have to lead these kids by hand to the recording rooms because literally no one was super invested in reginalds ~murder mystery~
ahafahJAGSJWGAI MY ROOMMATE JUST SAID POGO IS THE BEST CHARACTER SO FAR,,,, I will probably never include pogo in my fics because I do Not Care About Him lmaoooo
Aww five does to see Dolores and being like “it’s been a rough couple of days :(“,,,,, baby,,,, but also tag yourself I’m hazel going “elastic wrist splint yesssssss”
Five I am begging you PLEASE get some sleep
OH FIVE SHAKING DIEGO IN THE APOCALYPSE TO TRY AND WAKE HIM UP OHHHHH OH :(
Episode 3:
my roommate is super faceblind which is an issue bc she identifies people mainly by hairstyle so seeing the s2 stuff on tumblr is tripping her over bc she keeps seeing diego and going ??? who is that again? bc she’s seen his longer hair
okay there is no way that the eggs that grace put in that pan are the ones that ended up on the smiley face breakfast plate,,, but also grace that whole scene was a mood honestly i would be like “okay maybe mom killed dad BUT he deserved it sooooo”
“what the FUCK” - my roommate about cha-cha’s shitty wound care where she holds a curling iron against her arm
i didn’t remember that five got shOT AT THE DEPARTMENT STORE did i just erase that from my memory?? i mean yeah it’s a graze but he stitches it up and then slaps a bandaid on it so he has a wound that needed stitches on his shoulder for the entire show ??????? is he okay???? that would make moving your arm,,, painful,,,,,
a bandaid just slapped over it i’m actively yelling
“Sometimes when I see a million gifs of a show before I watch I get really surprised when they talk but he is exactly what I expected” - my roommate, about five
“I noticed they’ve only really showed diego in really badly lit scenes so far” - my roommate defending her lack of ability to recognize diego
i’m still laughing about pogo literally having to point out the murder tapes and now allison and luther are investigating and just. allison is lowkey defending grace and i’m laughing
“why is he saying woodwork is embarrassing that’s like one of the most middle of the wood hobbies to have. you’re respectable to grandpas who used to carve wooden ducks AND twenty-year-olds who can’t make anything to save their lives” - my roommate on leonard peabody
“i think he’s already crossing some lines he’s met this lady ONCE” - roommate on leonard/vanya
five having flashbacks in the car :(
did allison and luther draw straws for who went to fetch which sibling?? allison was like “dibs on vanya” and luther was just like “aww :(”
five luther and klaus in the van - BOYS NIGHT BOYS NIGHT let’s go pick up diego
“the coat he’s wearing does have a nice swish to it” - roommate about klaus’s coat
luther being like “you’re just as messed up as the rest of us and we’re all you have” like luther,,, baby,,,,, you literally ARE all he has,,,,,, his family is the only thing he’s really cared about since he was thirteen and maybe before then :(
“I can’t tell if those are supposed to be cake or yeast donuts... i think extruded donuts are cake donuts but she said she lets them rise so maybe they’re yeast?” - my roommate focusing on all the things that i do not
sometimes i forget that hazel and cha-cha pretended to be private detectives trying to find a lost child in a potentially dangerous situation,,, five would be disgusted
“she shouldn’t get a vote” “i was gonna say i agree with you” “she should get a vote!!” this is peak sibling energy honestly i think i’ve had that exact interaction with my siblings voting for a movie or something
“hashtag android rights”
“I want to be the tailor who gets a call one day that says ‘i want you to make clothes for a chimpanzee”
is it telling that only luther in the flashback didn’t really talk to grace at all,, i mean five didn’t either but i think he was gone by that point in the flashback ????
wait diego tells grace that she worked for him for thirty years,,, the kids are 29 and later it’s implied she was built bc vanya kept killing nannies when they were like four but maybe s2 clarifies that some more?? or diego just is rounding up
“that’s an interesting fabric to her skirt” - my roommate about grace’s outfit
forgot that hazel and cha cha broke the door to the manor busting in,, do they ever fix that?? we’re only at episode three do they spend the rest of the season with their door open to anyone on the streets
okay that bathtub is WAY too small to allow for klaus to be moving his elbows about like that underwater smh
“how is HE useful on mission??” my roommate about klaus
where is the SECURITY SYSTEM??? luther LITERALLY said that reggie was more paranoid and yet some assassin can just bust down the door and have unrestricted access????? he built a whole ROBOT but no security system????????
“maybe it was like,, practice for the kids? someone breaks in and they take care of it? wait no that doesn’t explain the thirteen years they’ve been gone?”
“why WAS he on the moon?” - about luther
“I want to see what she’s embroidering!!” about grace during the gunfight in the living room she’s absolutely ignoring diego getting shot at
what is a rope-a-dope,,,, diego yells “EVER HEARD OF A ROPE-A-DOPE???” at luther but like. no i haven’t. what does that MEAN diego
aww i forgot they played sinnerman, love that song
“what are you doing dude, rumor has it you’re not shooting at me that’s all you need to do” i mean. the roommate is not wrong. allison could just end the fight with a yell. i understand she’s pissed off and has rumor trauma but like cha cha is actively trying to murder them
how is luther not winning he literally has super strength. does hazel have super strength? just punch the man and knock him out jesus y’all suck at this smh
why is there such intense music we all been knew about luther’s strength - oH HIS BODY
forgot about that
is it allison’s fault that klaus got kidnapped because she didn’t literally just rumor them to give up?? like she literally has that power. she could have been like “i heard a rumor you left and forgot about us” it didn’t even need to be violent?? i understand she has rumor trauma but this i feel is allowable circumstances
diego showing his worry about vanya by getting angry which honestly i think all the siblings do that rip none of these idiots have even heard of healthy communication in their LIVES
you know,, i don’t think vanya can drive. she takes the bus. she took a taxi to leonard’s house. we see her walking a lot. does she know how to drive?? i imagine that the umbrella academy were taught bc of mission related stuff but,,, vanya wasn’t?? that’s just depressing tbh
#tua rewatch#i cannot beliEVE she likes pogo so much#pogo was complicit in the hargreeves abuse no i wont change my mind#i would be more likely to forgive him if he didnt keep mentioning how much reginald loved them#pogo fam dont say that#youre just going to feed luthers daddy issues#more to come#i cannot BELIEVE i forgot five got shot/grazed in the arm by a bullet#he slaps a BANDAID OVER IT#right after i said five is better at woundcare than cha cha with the curling iron#he just#slaps a bandaid on it#not even a big bandaid#that motherfucker
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Hooooo boy we are feelin some EMOTIONS today, folks.
this is not a happy post, if you’d like to skip I entirely understand, and in fact encourage doing so.
I’ve been needing to do a one of these for a lil bit because I’ve got Thoughts and Feelings and they are complicated and I can’t accurately parse them in my head so we’re gonna air it out on Tumblr like a sheet on the line during laundry day.
here’s the thing.
I got some complicated family feelings in my chest places and it fucking *sucks*.
I was kept from spending time with my family by various means over the past several years to the point where I wasn’t attending holidays - which, in my family, is just not done. You can skip a holiday but you have to make it up on another occasion and I...wasn’t doing that anymore. Two separate people had me convinced I was not loved by my family, that they did not care for or appreciate me like *they* could and that I was better off not being around my family.
And maybe they had some valid points. Which I hate admitting because they used a lot of “valid points” to get me to be completely isolated in life without anyone but them and any time I branched out I was, for lack of a better term, “punished” for having denied them my attention or time or whatever. (this is of course not as nuanced a take on it as I would prefer but this is already going to be long without me going through the whole...everything, again. You can search the captain rambles and life post tags on my blog for more on this topic).
Anyway...so I’m no longer with people who are actively trying to keep me from talking to other people/being around people who are supportive of my own efforts and goals, etc. And I was welcomed back into my family with open arms and that was...honestly unexpected. After everything I’d had told to me about how they were and how they should be and what I should feel about them...I wasn’t expecting them to love me.
I rode that rose-colored wave for a *while*. But as the world descends into chaos and I learn more things about myself that make me feel more like *me* than I have...possibly ever now that I try and think about it, I am seeing things that I had hoped had been exaggerated or made up by those in my life who had hurt me.
My parents raised me in a very right-wing conservative household. The evangelical style of christianity didn’t come until I was already an adult but the building blocks must have been there or it wouldn’t have happened so...extremely when it finally did. There were a lot of...really shitty attitudes towards other people that I didn’t recognize growing up in it - I didn’t recognize it until a lot later, in fact.
They’re...They don’t see anything wrong with the way they are. Which, you know, *sucks*.
There’s going to be a lot of dismissive phrases littered throughout this because I’m trying to be...i don’t know. I do it as a thing to lighten the mental load on myself - dismissiveness and joking around, exaggerating for effect, etc. - which i know might come off weird but like...this is really fucking bothering me guys and I...I’m doing my best.
Cause here’s the thing. I was raised believing the world was one way and that we were *right* about things. We had the answers and anyone (liberals) who didn’t agree with us were wrong and would either see the light and come to our side or were too stupid to know how wrong they were so we wouldn’t have associated with them anyway. (reasons why i’m currently frustrated with the political opposition to Republicans/Conservatives/The Right #1 actually)
And then I grew up and I saw the world was not that way. And I expected that my family would be able to see the world with the insight I had gained, and..they just...don’t.
I’ve excused a lot of their shit beliefs recently. not like, trying to defend them to anyone or anything but I don’t confront them. Mostly because I know while they won’t say it to my face, I know how they think about people who think like me (because I was there for those conversations, I was there and I thought like them and now i don’t and that makes me one of those idiots they talked about, a stupid person who can’t see the truth they believe so fully that they think is backed up by facts and figures but their facts and figures are *flawed* - mine aren’t better but I can acknowledge that and extrapolating data from all the things and coming to a conclusion is what I was taught to do but now that I do it for the wrong side what must they think of me? What must they say behind my back?)
I have...a lot of kinda fucked up shit about my family. Nothing overt, nothing that immediately screams to me “Hey fuck-o, this shit isn’t a universal experience and something is wrong here!” but it’ll be small things that I’m like “Ah, okay. Not everyone had this experience and those that did are currently working through the *trauma* of it by going to *therapy*. Hm.”
I’ve done some work in that respect and that’s good. Doesn’t make my issues go away but makes it so I can handle them a little better. Most of the time anyway.
I’m trying to make several things that are true but contradictory work together in my brain and it’s not going well.
1) my family cares about me and wants me to do well.
2) my family has hurt me in the past and is currently hurting me (though not intentionally and not maliciously - please dear god let it be unintentional and non-malicious).
3) My family does not “agree” with LGBTetc people.
4) My family do not believe that there are systemic issues inherent in the government we live in/under and the society we must participate in (Because it benefits them, and they have not had to challenge their thoughts on this before).
5) My family are kind of racist.
6) My family was my only support system when I was leaving an abusive situation.
7) ...My family might have abused me a little.
I go back and forth on point seven a *lot*. See point 2 about the intentionality/maliciousness factors. If they didn’t mean to do it, does it still count?
Does it matter if it still hurts?
My sister outright told me that she doesn’t agree with trans people (meaning she doesn’t believe you can be trans, really). But I’m okay because it’s me, and now I can be her gay best friend when we’re drinking at family stuff.
She didn’t understand why I was hurt by that. I attempted to explain it and she got defensive and angry so I just...didn’t fight about it. Just played the part. I’m her brother when it benefits her but otherwise I’m still her sister. I’m still mom and dad’s daughter. Even though I told them I’m not a girl. I told them I’m a guy.
Dad’s response was the most favorable initially and I think...he might eventually come around to it (he’s always wanted a son. he has a boy dog and has also imprinted really hard on his lawn roomba about it). He also might...not.
I’d like to transition further. Eventually. If it’s feasible. But also, right now it’s not. Right now it’s me cutting my hair short and not wearing dresses or skirts (even though they’re super comfy) because I want to avoid being misgendered as often as possible. It’s binding for uncomfortable and unsafe lengths of time because I am a MAN dammit, and I will be a man at this family function in whatever way I can. And when I go to the length that I do to be seen the way I want to be seen and I am *ignored*....
fuckin’ hurts you guys. I just fuckin’ hurts.
And I want to correct them. I want to stand up and say STOP YOU’RE HURTING ME. PLEASE. I AM NOT A GIRL. I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS WHOLE TIME I JUST DIDN’T KNOW WHY I DIDN’T FEEL RIGHT AS A GIRL. PLEASE JUST CALL ME A BOY, USE MY PRONOUNS, USE A NEW NAME OR AT LEAST THE NICKNAME THAT ISN’T MY FULL NAME.
but i don’t.
because I’m scared of losing them again.
And it’s fucked up because they’re *already* lost. They’re Fox-watchers and Trump-supporters and they don’t want to listen to science or facts or *anything* outside of what’s presented to them by pundits and talk show hosts, and the fucking EIB network with their political propaganda for anything that isn’t what the liberals want.
And I don’t know that I can get them back because they’re *real* far down that particular rabbit hole. And I’m...I’m just trying to figure out what I want in life. What makes me happy. And part of what I want is what I always wanted and never had.
I want my mom and dad to look at me, see me, see what I do see how I try and what I love and care about and tell me that I’m enough. That they love me because this is who I am and I am enough for them. Even if I wasn’t accomplished and didn’t try they would still love me because I’m *me*. and I’m their *child* and they *love me*.
And GOD it is so FUCKING painful to know that’s not a realistic thing to hope for. Because I’ve been trying for 28 GODDAMN years doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I can to be enough for them. I played good, christian, conservative little girl for SO goddamn long, even when I wasn’t Christian or conservative anymore, even when I saw the cracks, I wanted to be what they wanted.
And even now that I *am* what my dad wanted (a son) I’m not enough because to him i’m still a girl, to my mom I’m the failed daughter the one she didn’t do enough for so now it’s about how she fucked up and not about NO. This is ME. Stop. Stop LOOKING at me like that WHEN YOU DON’T SEE ME. YOU SEE SOME IDEALIZED VERSION OF ME WHO WAS NEVER GOING TO EXIST BECAUSE SHE WASN’T ENOUGH EITHER.
...
This is a lot more than I thought it would be, pain wise tonight, guys. My bad.
I’m still struggling with my eating habits, I’m still struggling with my self-worth, and finding what makes me feel fulfilled. I’m getting better at some of it though.
I’ve smiled and laughed more in the past week or so than I have since I came out to my family. I wouldn’t have done that without my very very good friends who are very very kind to me and god I wish I could do more than draw stupid pictures and write stupid stories for them but it makes them happy too? so i’ll just do what I can and maybe it’ll be alright.
Gonna try not to fall too deep down the abandonment issues pit tonight folks. I’m already upset enough.
Good talk.
#I was fine and then all of the sudden I was no longer fine#whoops#lol#processing trauma'll do that to a guy i guess#the captain rambles#LIFE POST#haven't tagged that in a while heh#not feelin so great tonight babes but i'll be alright eventually#i love all of you very much and if you ever feel lost or alone or are hurting (esp because of family) please know i am here for you#i don't want any of you to feel that way about it#come to my DMs send me an ask whatever you need#i love you be safe be healthy and most of all be kind
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So having been on tiktok for a bit I wanna talk a little about it.
What I like
It’s actually rather entertaining to scroll through up to 30 second videos one after the other. Sometimes the humor falls flat or it’s not your taste, but the algorithim is quite good at recommending the kind of content you will like.
I joined right when there was a big trend going around about sharing your culture, and soon after a Blackout trend where non-Black creators stopped posting for a day & spread/supported videos by Black creators. So I ended up with a fairly diverse fyp or “for you page”. It also quickly gathered that I am bisexual, so I get plenty of lgbt+ content. There’s some art mixed in there, some cosplay, some historical costuming/seamstresses, lots of avatar jokes lately, musical theatre content, fashion, girls in bikinis on rollerskates (in outer space), commentary on political issues, body positivity, all the kinds of stuff I like. To get a feed that caters to your interests you just have to watch & like videos you’re interested in & eventually it gets a feel for what you’ll watch and what you won’t.
Theres a trend where people say which ‘side’ of tiktok they’re on and I get ‘science side of tumblr’ flashbacks but I’ve mostly avoided the “straight” and conservative sides of tiktok. I would be considered a part of “woke”, “alt” (as in alternative) and lgbt+ tiktok (there are separate ones for each letter of the acronym). Possibly also “theatre” and “cosplay” tiktok. These categories are nebulous and you’re usually part of multiple communities; its just as arbitray as ‘science side of tumblr’ was.
The format reminds me of snapchat a little, and I love to talk to myself on video & post dumb thirst traps for my friends (none of which I’m attracted to so idk what my goal is there) and make stupid jokes. So this app is kinda perfect for my attention seeking side & hyperactive tendencies. Its very easy to consume on a short attention span, though not as easy as vine was.
Being in quarantine, its a way for a lot of people to engage in hobbies that involve community. Cosplay is pretty popular, as its a fun way to show off a costume & dress up & have fun without having to attend a convention. I enjoy the way lip synced audios can be used to emulate the character someone is dressed as; that’s something you couldn’t really do unless you were really good at impressions. Its a nice succinct way to show the process of creating a cosplay as well.
Those who enjoy theatre, but cannot perform in shows at this time, are able to create mini-monologues & sketches as well as sing parts of their favorite songs. Its an avenue through which to perform without putting anyone at risk of the virus. It’s also an easy way to show off your talents without having to go through the audition process & actually get cast in a show as a prominent enough role that someone will notice it.
It’s a convenient format for discourse and educational videos. Nice, short, easily digestible tidbits that stay in your mind. This extremely catchy song, for example: “Black neighborhoods are overpoliced, so of course they have higher rates of crime, and white perpetrators are undercharged, so of course they have lower rates of crime. And all of those stupid stats you keep using are operating off a small sample size. So, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up”.
As well as other videos where people take the time to explain historical events, satirize racist arguments to demonstrate why they are wrong, talk about prevalent tropes in movies, teach a few signs in ASL, share facts about their culture, etc, etc. I have found there are quite a lot of people there from unique and fairly unknown cultures and backgrounds- and this is a place where they’re able to share their culture & existence with people all over the world. There are a thousand different viewpoints. Their videos are doing far more for diverse representation than any other platform, I’d argue, as everyone is extremely visible on the app. (‘Their’ as in the creators, not the app itself).
I also have enjoyed coming across new artists on the app. It’s really fun to watch the process they go through, as most art videos deal with the whole creation of a piece. It’s inspiring. I have also come across a painter who’s work I’m in love with, and a woman who makes and sells the CUTEST ceramic mugs, and I need to purchase some stuff from them both.
Now onto the bad:
Unfortunately, the app doesn’t have much in the way of a filtering or warning system. I talked about that tiktok of the kids coming across human remains? That was just on people’s fyp. Just popped up. No warning. No reason for it to still be up. Traumatizing.
You can click on a video and say ‘not interested’ (I do this to literally every video I get where some girl is thirsting after kylo ren 🤮..... like I want the star wars videos just not THOSE videos). However, it doesn’t seem to know exactly why you weren’t interested, because I still get those videos from time to time. There’s no content filter where I can blacklist the kylo ren or any other hashtag.
There’s some very shitty content. There are racist conservatives. Misogynistic teen white boys. Really weird thirst traps. Videos where people lip sync to something with a straight face and tag it with #acting. Harmful body image trends. I thankfully stay very clear of this, but this kind of content makes me worry for the minors on the app. The one’s who don’t have enough of a concept of self yet to realize they don’t need to be able to do the newest pointless beauty trend to be beautiful, to realize it’s ok for them to be gay, to realize how predatory some adults can be, etc etc.
It is extremely easy to come across minors on the app who don’t look like teens. One time I went to a girl’s page and it said she was FIFTEEN. I’m usually good at guessing ages but something about this app messes that up. I wish there was a way to separate people under 18 and adults. Where I don’t have minor’s thirst traps popping up on my fyp. Where pedophiles don’t get a chance to curate that fyp intentionally. If anyone reading this has kids, I highly recommend they make their tiktok private or only viewable to friends.
Just like any site, there are plenty of bigots. Lots of racist comments. Plenty of transphobia. Any hatred you’ve seen elsewhere, of course it exists on tiktok. I have actually zero clue if you can report people & if it works. Most people seem to send a video commentary to their haters or duet a video of a racist pointing out their racism. I’ve heard of creators blocking people, however. I remember a tiktok of a Black woman who’s video somehow went fairly viral in Poland and now she gets a lot of racist comments from this large group of random racisf Polish followers she has and its extremely time consuming to block them all, as there’s no mass block feature.
The rumors about what works with the algorithm and doesn’t abound. I’ve heard well lit videos get more views. Many people suspect they have been shadowbanned for speaking out about current events. TikTok will remove the audio from videos sometimes if they deem it controversial enough. Most of us know they were criticized recently for intentionally keeping Black creator’s videos from being seen (a catalyst for the Blackout, actually). Or you may also recall when it was criticized for widely removing lgbt+ content. Those creators are fighting to be seen the same amount as straight cis white creators are allowed to be seen with no effort.
The effects some trends could have on teen girls. So many of them are already so uncomfortable in their own skin simply because of societal standards, but the absolutely meaningless challenges people come up with on tiktok make it so much worse. One trend was based around whether your finger touched your lips when you put it in your nose. Or if you could get your clasped hands around the back of your legs and over your butt (if they get passed, you have a flat ass, if they get stuck, its big). These completely arbitrary signifiers of the things you need to have in order to be pretty, are far more ridiculous that anything I have seen yet in my life. I worry about little girls taking these ideas to heart. There is a very kind body positive community on the app & I hope more people can find that.
There’s also that thing where they steal your data. Like most apps. But apparently they got a lot more invasive than usual, so I would look into it before making an account; if you want to do that.
I think the apps users can be great & its a pretty intuitive set up. It certainly deserves its popularity solely as a creative form of social media. That being said, its owners are so so insidious & do the worst things. Just like all other social media, its controlled by the worst kind of people. Who can never figure out how to effectively get rid of nazis or keep kids safe from adult content.
These are my less serious gripes with the app:
1) Lip syncing
When people lip sync and don’t do any kind of skit, joke, etc, just look as if they’re saying what someone else said; I hate that. I have to go back and find the original tiktok so I can like it instead. You literally did nothing interesting by ripping off someones audio and moving your lips along to it. So many people on this app are creative and so many others lack any semblance of creativity.
Also people are too easily impressed by lip syncing to kinda-fast songs. I lip synced to like....10 seconds of the devil went down to georgia and two people praised my lip syncing abilities. Like, I can also sing and talk fast, out loud, isn’t that more impressive? more skillful? The fiddle playing in that song is impressive, not the fact I can lip sync ‘the devil went down to georgia, he was lookin for a soul to steal, he was in a bind, cause he was way behind.’ Have you ever seen someone play Johnny’s fiddle solo????? It’s insane!!!
Rather than see someone lip sync to the verse in Stressed Out 2x faster than normal (which is, extremely simple and the song was overplayed and ingrained into our collective consciousness) and go WOW what about someone.....doing the verse out loud. You can litterally just mouth random words and look like you’re saying the right ones. It’s driving me crazy lmao. I’m set to become a God of tiktok because I have a repertoire of fast songs and rap verses memorized. It’s not even an uncommon skill to speak or sing quickly, people literally make rap music for a living! Listen to it maybe.
2) “Acting”
I am begging you to stop making me sit through those horrible POVs. I cannot take another girl not quite fake crying towards the camera as she lip syncs the words from a song that apply to the random situation she decided she was in. I cannot take another boy who thinks its sexy to stare into a camera and smirk in every single situation he creates.
Back to lip syncing, making facial expressions along to words isn’t really acting. Try saying the words out loud perhaps? The inflection you use with your lines is a pretty big part of acting. Like you can lip sync all you want, just stop tagging it with #acting.
3) Comedic timing, or lack thereof
You don’t need the entire intro to sit there looking at the camera waiting until the first line starts and you can lip sync to the part that’s the joke. You could cut off at least 15 seconds. Brevity is the soul of wit.
When your joke involves both reading text on screen and listening to the song for the punchline, if it isn’t done prefectly, its so difficult to follow. I can’t read a paragraph in 5 seconds. Paraphrase.
4) self deprecating artist audio
the audio thats like ‘this wont get views’ ‘I suck’ ‘you probably won’t see this anyway’ LOVE YOURSELF
It sucks when people dont enagage with your art but it sucks worse when your value in yourself and you art is based solely on receiving that validation. Please find a healthy medium.
Also you’re asking for pity, and you don’t want that. You want people who genuinely love your art for what it is.
5) editing videos is really hard how do you make such cool & smooth transitions????
please help me I don’t understand
Finally
here’s my account if you’re interested
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Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Characters: Dean Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural)
Additional Tags: Spn 14x01, supernatural episode coda, episode coda, Episode: s14e01 Stranger in a Strange Land, musings on hope and humanity, demon dean flashback
Series: Part 1 of Season 14 Codas
Summary:
An episode coda for season 14, episode 1.
Dean and Castiel reflect on hope and humanity in the shadow of Michael’s possession.
(Also included in its entirety below because it’s pretty short. But please tell me what you think on AO3 or Tumblr! Comments are always appreciated.)
They were whispering about him at the other end of the bar. Dean sipped his whiskey, savoring the burn against his tongue, and eavesdropped over the hum of twanging guitar playing on the bar’s speakers.
“How long do we have to stick around this dump of a town? I haven't killed anything in at least a week.”
The second demon’s voice was lower, as though she was afraid of being overheard. “Until Crowley says it’s time to move on.”
Dean rolled his eyes. Brent and Laura. They had been flexing their muscles all over town, painting a big target on the motley King’s court staying at the motel attached to the bar. Crowley really ought to do something about them. Kill ‘em, or send them away.
Brent snorted. “You mean, until Winchester says it’s time to move on. I’ll admit, I was on board with the whole Hell’s Knight thing when I thought we’d be rampaging the fucking countryside with, you know biblical flaming fucking swords. But so far we’ve just watched him and Crowley make…make fucking cow eyes at each other.”
Laura grumbled a disgusted reply.
“Did you know,” Brent lowered his voice and glanced around the bar. Dean prevented himself from reacting, staring at his whiskey glass like it was the only object that mattered in the world. “They set up another date? A date.” He spat out the word like it was a curse.
“No,” Laura sounded scandalized. “That’s so…so…civilized. I can’t believe we’re sticking around town so Winchester can have a…a fivesome.” She called across the room to the bartender for another drink and after she took a long swallow of beer she said, “Knight of Hell, my ass.”
“Fucking weak.”
Dean took another sip of whiskey. He let the glass linger on his lips, enjoying the fire against his skin. Dean heard a lot of imprecations against his character lately. That was a consequence of falling in with demons. If he acted against every insult he'd have perpetually bloody knuckles and a whole hell of a lot less fun.
The truth was, they weren’t sticking around for the triplets, though they were very fun. Instead, he and Crowley were sticking around because the bar’s nice. It had a good sound system and decent booze, and there was plenty of tail to chase in this transitory place. Crowley had suggested moving on, but Dean had stopped him. “When was the last time you ever had a chance to relax, man?” And Crowley had taken one good look at him and backed right down. That’s true. Never. Might as well.
It was a good situation, and Dean didn’t intend to screw it up any more than he had to. He’d just sit quietly, finish his drink, and maybe bamboozle the bachelorette party camped out in the corner out of some hard earned money. Or sleep with the bride-to-be. The night was young.
But of course that wasn’t the end of it. Of course there was more.
An elbow bumped into Dean a little while later, deliberate and sharp against his back. “Oops,” Brent said at his ear. “Sorry. ”
Dean turned in his seat slowly and let his gaze flick along Brent fleetingly, like he was a fly. He turned away again, only Brent cleared his throat and said, “How does it feel?”
Dean swiveled to Brent and raised his brows consideringly. “Excuse me?”
“How does it feel,” Brent said with a sneer, “to suck so miserably at being a demon? I swear to god, you’re the most white bread demon I ever—”
Dean smiled lazily and grabbed the demon’s arm. His fingers cut into Brent hard enough to elicit a wince and Dean’s smile grew into a grin. “You got a problem with me, Brent?” Fear flicked across Brent’s expression, but it quickly turned into disgust. Dean let him pluck his fingers from his arm and drop his hand away. “You’re drunk. Which is a real fucking accomplishment for a demon, so kudos to you.” Dean lifted his glass in a mock salute.
“Yeah? Well you’re a shitty demon. Shitty and boring and…” A knowing expression crossed his face. “Bet it was all the angel dick you were getting.” He thrust his hips once and hissed, “Oh yeah, that sweet fire of the lord! Diluting everything that should make you great. Making you a waste of…of everyone’s time. You’re not a real demon.”
The Mark hissed against Dean’s forearm. It bubbled like liquor in his blood and he found himself baring his teeth. He let go of his glass. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he warned.
Brent snorted. “Please, everyone knows. Crowley’s talked about it. Hell, everybody talks about it. I don’t know why we bother when it’s obvious you’ve been compro— urk”
A moment later, Dean pulled the knife out of the demon’s ribs, winking as the blade scraped against bone. He swiped Brent’s blood casually against his a paper bar napkin and tucked it back in the sheath hidden in his pocket. “Talk about Cas again,” he said pleasantly, balling up the bloodied paper and dropping it next to his glass on the bar top, “and I’ll turn you inside out.”
He fucking had limits, after all.
The thing about Michael, Dean learned quickly, was that he was not a people person. Er…angel. And Dean didn’t mean that the archangel was unfriendly, although he was without a doubt a complete dick. No, it was that Michael simply didn’t…get people. He didn’t understand their motivations, or their complexities. He would ask Dean, early on, about the proper things to say to a human to sway them to his side. Like there was a manual every human was born with, and he need only ask for a copy. He’d asked about the angel Anael as though he and Dean were two colleagues, still working side by side. He’d asked before he’d tortured. Before he’d taken.
He’d asked because Michael truly was baffled. That fundamental lack of understanding would be how they would win, Dean often thought. He stewed over the problem in the prison Michael had built for him in his own mind.
“You think in black and white,” he muttered as he leaned over the lock in his hands. By concentrating very hard, he was able to manifest a version of the lock Michael placed over his latest trap for Dean. With a physical representation in hand, it felt easier now to pick at it and worry at it like a mouse nibbling away at a wall.
Michael had ranted to him early on about “fallen things,” which Dean had come to realize encompassed all of creation - humans, demons, surviving angels - you name it. For Michael, there was a high state and a low state, and nothing in between. “You don’t understand want or need or…or love. Just words.” He pushed the pin in and heard a click. “Just weapons.”
Encouraged, he kept on with it. “We have dreams. Desires. Hopes. We care about each other. We want fucking peace, you asshole.” Another tumbler clicked and Dean smiled. “And I’m not gonna let you ruin that.”
He’d thought for a while that Michael would try to batter down the walls of Heaven and take dominion of the place. The archangel enjoyed worship, thrived on it even. Michael had been bitterly disappointed by the impressions of angels in Dean’s mind, however. He’d been even more disappointed by his meeting with Anael, the supposed rebel fighting against Heaven.
If there was any rebel against Heaven slumming it on Earth, it was Cas, though. But Dean kept Castiel wrapped up firmly in his mind. Ever since Michael had taken over, pushed Dean down, Dean had dragged as much as he could from his memories of his loved ones down with him and pushed it into the dark corners of his mind.
Dean chewed on his lip as he worked at the lock. There were a lot of dark corners in his mind. Corners filled with pain that kept Michael at bay, as effective as insect repellant. It was almost laughably easy to bury his heart away from Michael.
Dean remembered the last time he saw Cas, after Michael had entered his body. He’d been filled with power, with fire so heady it had taken all of his control to hold fast to the reigns and not slip away like a paper boat in a flood.
Castiel had stared at him, jaw clenched, and anguish painted across the lines of his face. Dean had noticed that first and then he’d seen him through Michael’s eyes. Power streamed off of Castiel like holy fire, constant and blue-hot. His wings hung from his shoulders in tattered pieces, mere fragments of what they once were before Metatron’s spell shredded them.
Dean had never seen any sight more beautiful. Castiel - glowing with his own glory. Castiel - broken once, twice, over and over again. Broken, but never giving up. Never. And he still looked at Dean like he believed in him.
Dean remembered how he had failed in Hell, so many years ago. How he’d cracked under torture, given up. Castiel had saved him then and the memory of him would save him now.
He would push back against the walls, the locks, the pain that burned him with every second of contact with Michael’s grace. Dean worked at the lock.
He vowed to fight, because he couldn’t stand the idea of backing down again. Of giving up. And most of all, he couldn’t stand the thought of letting Castiel down. Again.
The thing was, he felt like Cas was with him. Not just the memory of him, but him. There, and steady beside him. Inside him. Dean shook his head. It didn’t make sense, but he was tired of trying to sort things into real and fake in his mind, of all places. He wrapped himself around Cas, or Cas wrapped himself around Dean.
The lock clicked open and Dean gathered himself, pulled his heart around him like armor. He picked up the lock and watched it grow long and sharp in his hand. “Heeeeeere’s Johnny,” Dean shouted and felt Michael flinch like a tiger in the wild at the call of something wilder.
Leaping from his cell, Dean began to slice.
Castiel cleaned the blood from his face grimly with a sandpaper textured washrag. He wished somebody had told him just how rough he looked before he’d gone to speak to Jack. Telling Jack he would be okay without his grace to back him up would have been a shade better delivered if Castiel hadn’t looked like he’d just received the beating of a lifetime.
He sighed and scrubbed the blood from his skin, rinsing the rag under running water and watching the red blood swirl in the basin, then down the drain.
Even as a human, he’d never felt more mortal. He supposed that happened to everyone. The more people you cared about, the more you realized how tenuous everyone’s hold on life and happiness was. It was hard to keep up, some days, without feeling hopelessness crystalizing into something sharp and impenetrable.
The cut in his lip was beginning to heal, but Castiel still hissed involuntarily as he scrubbed at it. It stung.
The cut stung and Castiel was…he was…
Castiel pressed his hands to the sides of the sink and leaned against it for a moment. The porcelain was very cold. He watched the bloody water droplets run towards the drain. He stood there for a breath. Two. Three. Then he lifted his head again, resolutely.
Dean was out there.
Castiel finished washing his face. He wet one hand and combed it through his hair, pushing out the blood and laying it flat again. Dean was out there, burning within Michael. He would feel it if Dean were gone, wouldn’t he?
He would.
In his millennia of life, Castiel had watched many things die, and many more things cease to be entirely. He should be inured to it. But he wasn’t. And he wouldn’t let himself become that way. He’d keep the faith that Dean survived, that he cared to survive.
Castiel finished brushing his hand through his hair and let his grace shudder through his shattered wings, flicking the last of the fight’s grime from him. He was a fallen thing, more human than angel these days. But maybe that was a good thing. Maybe, that human side of him helped him to believe, when everything seemed stacked against him.
He was fallen, but he was not low.
In the end, Castiel believed Dean would be saved.
And so, he thought, flicking off the light in his room and heading back towards the library, he will.
#spn 14x01#episode coda#stranger in a strange land#destiel#deancas#supernatural episode coda#supernatural season 14
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Get to know me
If you were in a band, what kind of music would you play?If you could shop for free at one store, which one would you choose?What personal trait has gotten you in the most trouble?What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been?I was tagged by @yakoucchu thank you! :3
Rules
1. Always post the rules
2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you
3. Write 11 questions of your own
4. Tag 11 people
1. The piece of makeup that you always wear.
You would be surprised about the amount of times I go out without any make up on :P anyway if I have to name something, I would say eyeliner and mascara.
2. If you’re gonna be the author of your favorite series, what are you gonna change in it?
I WOULD LIKE TO KICK IN THE FACE MOFFAT AND GATISS FOR THAT SHITTY SHERLOCK SEASON 4 ENDING!! Aaand after that I would take their places and let that story end the way it should, with Sherlock and John confessing their love for each other!! (and now they’re planning season 5, please don’t)
3. There’s a fact that is happened to you and it makes your heart warming a lil bit when you think about it?
The birth of my nephew <3
4. Someone have ever done something that we can define crazy for you?
OMG I don't really know…perhaps the craziest thing (in a positive way) my boyfriend did was convincing me to change our life and move to London together??
5. Do you like your current occupation?
It's not my dream job but so far so good, it gives me enough money to sustain myself and enough time to work on the things I really like to do.
6. Smoothies, or Milkshakes?
I love both! :)
7. What’s the thing that you love the most about yourself?
Uhm…though question! About my body I would say my legs and my bum? XD
8. The most strange thing that you ever tried to eat grossed you out?
Snails..urgh..
9. Are you ever tried to write something, and after a while giving it up? Why?
EVERY DAMN TIME! I start super exited and then at some point I give up..same thing applies for drawings.
I tried to ask myself WHY I give up and the answer I gave myself is not something I’m proud to share but it’s the honest truth: I need to know that someone cares to see what I draw or to read what I write. if I draw or write something just for myself I don’t have any motivation at all to get it done....I truly envy the people who have a story burning so much inside them that fuels them to write or draw no matter what, just because they feel THE NEED to put it out of their system, THE NEED to tell it.
The lack of motivation/art block is something that I’m struggling with for a while now, in my case more for drawings, but when it comes down to comics you have also stories to write so I’m speaking regarding both, writing and drawing. I ended up thinking that I would need a coach to keep me going. Athletes has someone who check on them every day, who motivate them to give their 100%, who give them the right exercises to become better in what they do....I feel that is something you can apply also to someone who writes or draws. I would love to have a person who checks on me every day and push me to improve my drawings and my writings. Perhaps if I attended an art school or art university things would be different, I don’t know. For now I’m focusing on small projects, on the YOI-related weeks here on tumblr, on translating my 2 chapter fan fiction that I don’t know if I will continue after where I left at the end of chapter 2...
10. How do you feel right not? If I said to you “you’re doing great” it can change something?
I'm ok..a bit stressed from work but fine overall! Surely if you say nice and supporting things to me I would feel grateful and loved :)
11.What’s your favorite movie?
The Lord of the Rings…I'm always up for a LOTR marathon! :P
Questions by me and people tagged under the cut :)
1. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
2. If you could be a cartoon/anime character for a day, who would you be?
3. What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been?
4. What’s your favorite book?
5. What is one thing you do to get motivated?
6. If you could time travel, where would you go?
7. What is your favorite movie quote?
8. What is the best piece of advice you’ve received?
9. If you could shop for free at one store, which one would you choose?
10. As a child, what did you wish to become when you grew up?
11. If you were in a band, what kind of music would you play?
I tag @nehart82, @quadruple-axel, @nattles-the-nerd, @mediocre-anime-fangirl, @tinysan78, @persephoune, @angie24801 and basically everyone of my followers who’s up to do it, consider yourself tagged! :)
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Star Wars, the trilogy of ur choice for the ask meme!
I am indecisive as Hell and couldn’t pick and as such just did all three of them, ooops?
original trilogy
my all-time ultimate fave character: um. I have loved Darth Vader since I was five and decided that he was my husband now and this meant that he was going to hold my stuff while I ran the galaxy and also buy me a puppy, because my parents wouldn’t let me have one but he’s the head of an evil empire, so I assumed that he had enough credits to buy me a puppy. Anyway, my answer hasn’t changed. He’s garbage and I love him.
a character I didn’t used to like but now do: Lando is a sort of complicated answer, because it was never that I disliked him?
But when I was younger, I bought into all of the nonsense about him, “betraying” Han, Leia, and Chewie (which is ridiculous, because: 1. he was trying to save his entire city,
and 2. Vader turned the tables on Lando and sprung a bunch of shit on him that Lando cannot be held responsible for, because Vader is the one who made it an issue and it’s not like Lando didn’t read the fine print because there was no fine print for him to read)
—and yeah, basically, I never disliked him, but have come to appreciate Lando more.
a character I used to like but now don’t: …well, it isn’t that I dislike Yoda or Obi-Wan (though the latter benefits from the prequel trilogy a lot here, since Ewan McGregor kinda saved the character from the gigantic dumpster fire of GLucas’s bullshit retcons and Alec Guinness being a huge tool), but when I was a kid, I took everything they said at face-value and have since learned that both of them are totally bullshit unreliable narrators, at best.
a character I’m indifferent about: idk, the Emperor, probably. Like, my biggest feelings about him in the OT are, “Excuse me, you’re in my seat. Trophy husband, please be a hunny and murder him for me so I can get back to my ridiculous power-fantasy daydream of being an overpowered evil overlord with no chill and an OTT evil laugh like a bad girl in a late 90’s anime.”
a character who deserved better: Lando Calrissian, full stop.
a ship I’ve never been able to get into: uh. ……pass?
a ship I’ve never been able to get over: Han/Leia remains one of the only m/f ships worth caring about, for me, but ijs, Han/Luke is good, too.
a cute, low-key ship: Luke/Wedge, Luke/Lando, or Luke/Biggs.
an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it: Han/Lando (it’s not unpopular in my particular corner of tumblr but for most people out there, it’s Not A Thing that they can see happening). ……but come on, they act like exes! If they aren’t secretly married (probably under questionable circumstances, for pretty ridiculous reasons) in at least two star systems, I’ll shave Jean-Ralphio’s head.
a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened: —technically, my answer never did. But when ROTS came out back in 2005, there was a commemorative issue of Rolling Stone that I stole from my Dad because it had a special feature about Darth Vader, and in it, Kevin Smith proposed the idea of Vader/Leia (which he apparently kiddie LARPed with a girl he liked before they knew that Vader is her bio-father), and…… ew, Kevin Smith, what the fuck. Like, even without the parental incest factor, ewww.
my favourite storyline/moment: if it happened in Empire, I will probably never be over it because I am a human cliche and Empire is my favorite (but in my defense: it was not written by George Lucas, and that has a lot to do with why it is noticeably better-written than the other two OT movies). If I had to choose? “I love you” / “I know,” or the final confrontation between Luke and Vader.
Because I am a human cliche, that’s why. …Also, fun fact: when they originally shot the Infamous Scene, the big reveal about Luke’s parentage was kept so under-wraps that even David Prowse (the guy who physically portrayed Vader) thought that the twist was that Obi-Wan killed Anakin.
a storyline that never should have been written: Okay, it isn’t that I object to how the parentage twist meant that GLucas had baited sibling incest with Luke/Leia. What I object to is that GLucas acts like this was intentional, and wants to erase and retcon real-world history (there’s a whole book about it, documenting what actually happened and how GLucas tried to retcon reality), all to make himself look like a genius Auteur™ when, actually he is a fucking hack who stole the credit for the movies’ success from the actual creative people involved.
my first thoughts on it: “pew pew pew, i love star wars, i want a lightsaber, i want to rule the galaxy, pew pew”
my thoughts now: “pew pew pew, i love star wars, i shouldn’t be allowed to have a lightsaber at all bc i would totally mishandle it, fuck george lucas with barbed wire, pew pew”
prequel trilogy
my all-time ultimate fave character: *points above* …like, I have never had it in me to hate the prequel trilogy — the closest that I got to it was, “Okay, it’s not the OT, and it’s kind of silly, but it’s not bad” — and I could never hate it because it’s primarily about Anakin Skywalker, and that’s my trophy husband. He’s space trash and I love him.
I also never hated Hayden Christensen. Like, most of my friends in high school did, but I loved him, and I said things like, “Maybe he’s not the greatest actor but he’s not exactly working with a great script here” but that was the worst he ever got from me (and if I’d known then just how shitty a director GLucas actually is to the actors in his flicks, I would’ve been even more generous).
He was definitely one of the guys who I “had crushes” on, back when I was still trying to convince myself that I wasn’t into girls at all, and all of the lingering fondness for him was a huge part of my, “okay, but were any of my crushes on dudes legit or was there a lot of compulsory heterosexuality that I didn’t get because I was a teenager with homophobic parents who went to a high school where we couldn’t even talk about the homophobia that went on because everybody wanted to think that we didn’t have a problem with it just because nobody got, like, physically assaulted or anything that we assumed happened at other high schools in the area, regardless of how we had almost no evidence one way or the other”
……In retrospect, a lot of the, “crush” that I had on Hayden was that he was a soft-featured pretty boy who was, “like… almost pretty enough to be a girl” (—all I have to say for myself is that I was an ignorant teenager), and I found him attractive because he was: 1. soft and pretty; 2. playing my favorite space trashcan; and 3. hella famous and therefore unavailable
anyway, I love Anakin and…… well.
a character I didn’t used to like but now do: …uh. I have no idea?? The closest I get here is that I went from not caring about Palpatine in the OT to thinking he’s actually an interesting and well-done villain in the PT.
a character I used to like but now don’t: can I pass on this one, too? I don’t have a lot of characters like this in any of the Star Wars movies tbh???
a character I’m indifferent about: Count Dooku (the late Christopher Lee was always amazing but Count Dooku just… really doesn’t interest me as a character), and General Grievous.
a character who deserved better: Padmé Amidala, Mace Windu, and I want to say Anakin, but not in the same way as Mace and Pamdé (who got the shit kicked out of them unfairly and got robbed of some of the moments that they deserved).
Where Anakin deserved better is in how the narrative handled his fall and the issues of agency, responsibility, how he was manipulated and how it affected his ability to be held responsible vs. all of the ways in which he was responsible for his actions and where, how spending his formative years as a slave affected everything, the ways in which the fucking Jedi Order was also culpable for some of this and how their approach to literally everything is emotionally unhealthy, and so on.
Because GLucas handled all of those issues with the grace and tact of a drunk rhinoceros. Which I feel is an incredible insult to both alcohol and rhinoceroses.
a ship I’ve never been able to get into: any Qui-Gon ship that isn’t Mace/Qui-Gon, and I will fully admit that that is just my headcanon and my feels of, “Oooh, that could be cool.”
a ship I’ve never been able to get over: Anakin/Obi-Wan and Anakin/Padmé because I am a human cliché.
a cute, low-key ship: Obi-Wan/Dexx (or however you spell the name of his smuggler friend from AOTC).
an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it: well, these days, Anakin/Obi-Wan and Anakin/Padmé are apparently on the Shipae Non Gratae list in this fandom, to the point that people who ship them will get harassed, dehumanized, bullied, and suicide-baited for shipping them, all because a small but vocal contingent of assholes don’t like them and want to enforce their own ideas about the morality or lack thereof of whatever ships they like or not on everyone — but they weren’t unpopular until very recently, so
otherwise, basically all Mace Windu ships are unpopular by default but come on, Mace/Qui-Gon and Mace/Obi-Wan would be cool
a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened: uh. Padmé/death, Mace/death, and Star Wars Fandom/suicide baiting people over ships when they’re doing everything that they can reasonably be expected to do in terms of tagging responsibly and respecting their fellow fans.
my favourite storyline/moment: I’m sorry but actually not, but… I love ROTS, and I love the game of torturing myself by watching it like, “Maybe Anakin won’t make all the wrong choices this time. Maybe if I lovingly yell at him loudly enough, he won’t break my heart.”
Also, fuck everyone, his, “I don’t like sand” thing is endearingly doofy, and I can’t flirt any better than that so it is not unrealistic (not least since he hasn’t exactly grown up or come of age in an environment that’s conducive to developing decent social skills or learning the social scripts that one uses when doing things like flirting without saying, “I don’t like sand, but you are very not like sand, and I appreciate that you are dissimilar from sand because sand sucks”)
—I mean, I’m not saying that Luke Skywalker: actual gay space autistic has a father who is also an actual space autistic? ……But, see, I’m totally saying that, and that I also believe the borderline!Anakin headcanon that I’ve seen around
a storyline that never should have been written: idk, I just want my space babies to be happy
my first thoughts on it: “…pew pew pew, i know it’s not the OT but it’s still fun can everybody like stop hating on it, wouldn’t it be more fun to LIKE things, i love star wars, pew pew”
my thoughts now: “pew pew pew, fuck everybody, the entire prequel trilogy deserves better than it got and fuck george lucas especially, but also fuck the jedi order what the fuck, that life isn’t healthy, fuck the haters i love the prequels, i love star wars, pew pew”
new trilogy, inasmuch as i can say with only one movie (since rogue one isn’t in the trilogy and i still haven’t seen it):
my all-time ultimate fave character: Finn or Poe or Rey, it depends on how I feel at any given moment
a character I didn’t used to like but now do: *shrugs*
a character I used to like but now don’t: Well, it’s not that I outright dislike KyBen, but I was so excited for him when the first trailer came out, with his lightsaber that looked so cool, and him being all, “*aggressively fanboys Darth Vader*” — and then we got the actual canon, and like? It’s impossible for me to completely hate him when he’s so fun to make fun of, and he loves his grandfather almost half as much as I do? But…… wow, have you ever met someone who is like a letdown in human form? Because I have and his name is Kylo Ren.
I will say, he is moderately less of a letdown in the novelization of the movie (though I haven’t gotten a copy of the YA novelization and there are apparently some major differences between that one and the “adult” novelization), but: 1. only moderately; and 2. he is even more over-the-top ridiculous and dramatic and kind of asinine in the book. Less of a letdown for various reasons, but still.
a character I’m indifferent about: Phasma, I guess. Like, I am certified lady villains garbage, but she doesn’t really DO anything? She has no discernible personality beyond being the token girl with KyBen and the Annoying Fascist Space Ginger, which could actually be a cool thing — I mean, Gwen Christie is a tall, white, blonde, and physically intimidating as fuck, and it would be super interesting to use Phasma as a Star Wars style reflection of the white women who get involved in the real world movements that inspired the First Order — but?? So far, all she’s done is be an abusive shit to Finn and get shoved in a trash compactor.
a character who deserved better: #Protect Finn Stormbreaker At All Costs.
a ship I’ve never been able to get into: Phasma/anybody — like, I know it’s usually misogynistic to say, “she has no personality” about a lady character…… but Phasma genuinely has no personality, so far, because she has done a grand total of bugger all in actual facts canon.
a ship I’ve never been able to get over: …I feel like it’s too early to say this because this trilogy isn’t even fully out there, yet? But solely in the sense of, “this is my favorite”… Finn/Poe/Rey, because it means that I don’t have to choose between Finn/Poe or Finn/Rey when both of them are so good.
a cute, low-key ship: I am literally only putting Rey/Rose and Rey/Jessika here because we know nothing about Rose yet, aside from how she works in maintenance with the Resistance and is adorable, and I love Rey/Jess, but it’s objective fact that Finn/Rey has more to work with, because Finn is a major character and Jess isn’t.
an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it: eta: okay, I forgot to do this one, because all I could think of was, “idk I’ve read some Ky*lux fic that didn’t suck because I wanted one of my kinks satisfied and I wanted Star Wars and the only game in town was Ky*lux so I read it, and… eh, it didn’t suck?” — but Ky*lux is objectively not unpopular (it’s unwelcome among some fans and that’s their prerogative but the numbers don’t lie and they say that it’s not unpopular), so idk
Also, the nicest thing I could say is, “those fics didn’t suck” but in fairness that’s probably less a function of them being Ky*lux and more a function of how they’re for one of my kinks, and the writing that exists for said kink is largely pretty…… Not Good.
a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened: I’m waiting for the reveal that Rey and Kylo are cousins or something, because I’m expecting it to happen, and then a lot of the people who ship it, “because Kylo is totally better than Finn because of reasons that have nothing to do with racism because the shippers said so” will jump ship and I will go, “I told you so, did you not pay attention to Luke and Leia or what.”
Note: I am specifically only talking about that particular kind of Rey*lo shipper, because in fairness, there are plenty of people who ship it in ways where they don’t actually want Rey and Kylo to be together, and in ways where they don’t bash Finn, and yes, it’s a pretty fucked up ship, but there are people who ship it in fucked up ways and tag all their shit responsibly, and I will have nothing to, “I told you so” about at them, in the event that Rey*lo gets jossed by them being blood relatives.
my favourite storyline/moment: the one where KyBen is all, “*ACCIO GRANDPA’S LIGHTSABER*” and Finn is all, “NOT TODAY JACKASS” and then Kylo tries it again and the lightsaber is all, “NO I LIKE REY BETTER” and the theme music swells and FUCK IT YESSSSS
a storyline that never should have been written: … *shrugs*? the trilogy is still being played out, we don’t have a lot to work with here yet
my first thoughts on it: “pew pew pew, i love star wars, i love the theories that kylo ren is actually jacen solo, zoom zoom fights in space and flying in space, whoosh whoosh shiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnng lightsaber noises, i love star wars, pew pew”
my thoughts now: “pew pew pew, i love star wars, lmao i am so glad that kylo ren is not jacen solo, jacen sweetie i am so sorry that i ever wanted that you deserve so much better, finn and rey and poe and rose and jess should all be happy and like adopt a puppy, also luke is gay now because fuck george lucas, i am so proud of my gay autistic space son and how he now wants the jedi to end because he has realized that the only way for the force to have balance is if there are NO jedi and NO sith, whoosh whoosh shhhhiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnng lightsaber noises
“like seriously how has it taken this long for this idea to make it to the main canon (since lbr most people don’t know jack about the EU or KOTOR or anything), i mean wow it is almost like the jedi and the sith are both totally fucked up beyond all hopes of salvaging either faction not least because having either faction in the first place makes humans more likely to fuck up everything with the force because people suck, WHOOSH WHOOSH SHIIIIINNNNNNNG MAKES SAID LIGHTSABER NOISES EVEN MORE LOUDLY TO PISS OFF GEORGE LUCAS AND HE CAN’T DO SHIT TO STOP ME BECAUSE HE DOESN’T OWN THE EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO THE UNIVERSE ANYMORE HA HA FUCKEDDY HA HA HA, #KreiaWasRight #TotallyVindicated, i can’t believe that rey and luke are going to be queer autistic space icons together #blessed
“i love star wars, pew pew pew”
#sikenesque#memes for ts#mine: asks#ask box tag#opinions for ts#star wars#longish post//#mine: star wars
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