i think the only thing that would heal me is if a tumblr fandom was created around that portion of my life and people analyzed the misogyny and how fucked up some of it was

that one " Draw Your Comfort Characters " meme i'm sure you've seen everywhere but i had to reach deep into my psyche for it

they all wanted mcdonalds but they were not allowed any,

( using the cleaned up template graciously provided by @ UsagiEroArt on twt! )

i think part of the resistance i’ve seen in response to the view of ed as an abuse victim—not just the view of izzy as someone who abused ed, but of ed as someone who was abused by him, as opposed to interpretations that pursue an image of Nuance and Complexity (unnecessarily, because their dynamic has heaps of both, but there seems to be a popular impulse to conflate complexity with shared culpability) by characterizing their relationship as being toxic/unhealthy in equal reciprocity, or as “mutually abusive” (oxymoron)—i definitely see the influence of racism there, but i think the racism is also working to amplify an adjacent issue where we tend to receive very specific cultural messaging about What An Abuse Victim Looks Like, and ed is excluded from a lot of that criteria.

he’s outspoken. he’s boisterous. he’s Very Cool and he Wears Leather. he’s physically bigger and browner than the person mistreating him. he spends the first season with a big grey beard, he’s covered in tattoos, he projects the image of A Man’s Man, to say nothing of his being a man in the first place. we see him get aggressive and we see him get angry (and sometimes we even see both at the same time). we see moments where he’s surly, prickly, insensitive, arrogant. his survival techniques and trauma responses incur collateral damage to other people, and in the second season this extends into affecting people we actually sympathize with. he’s extremely private about expressing fear. without examination, his professional relationship to izzy seems to position him as the one with the power slanted in his favor.

most damningly, we see him react multiple times to izzy’s abuse with physical violence. this is behavior that gets referenced all the time in the construction of narratives condemning subjects of physical abuse, let alone emotional abuse. which is why writing that intends for its audience to interpret a character as being unambiguously A Victim Of Abuse will often, for simplicity’s sake, avoid showing the character regularly engaging in anything of the kind.

and again, all of these departures from the image of The Model Victim are compounded by his being a man of color.

without any of the shorthand designed to point a big flashing arrow at his mistreatment, all we have left to work with are the words and actions we see from ed and izzy onscreen. who instigates conflict, and how does the other respond? how are they able or allowed to respond? how do we see them speak about each other to outside parties? does one go out of their way to control or isolate the other? what consequences does either party stand to face in saying “no” to the other? in acting against the other’s wishes? in trying to leave the relationship? when either of them attempts these things, how do we see the other respond?

i realize and appreciate what people are driving at when they garnish their analysis with disclaimers that they’re not saying ed’s just a poor innocent abuse victim, they’re not saying he’s a perfect angel who’s never done anything wrong, and that’s true, but these are points already contained implicitly in statements like “this show’s protagonists act like human people” and “ed’s emotional struggles are portrayed in a realistic and believable way.” my assumption is that these disclaimers are anticipatory responses to worst-faith interpretations of any discussion that attributes any victim status to ed whatsoever, so i definitely sympathize with their inclusion, but a (very small) part of me still worries about them potentially reflecting or reinforcing a belief that there is any way for someone to behave towards their abuser that imparts a responsibility for them to make right whatever damage the abuser receives, or for that matter any degree of ambiguity over their status as an abuse victim in the first place.

part of what i find so gratifying about ed as a character is that i don’t feel like the show’s writing is pressuring me to consider that ambiguity at all. which was a really nice thing for me to discover!

and tbh—did using ed to deconstruct The Model Victim even factor into the writers’ agenda?? ive got no clue. im guessing no? ??maybe?? probably not?? but if you create a main character whose central premise is that he feels trapped in a performance of exaggerated masculinity that he’s desperate to escape, and then you set him up with a character premised on embodying a tangible obstacle against that escape, then i guess that’s the natural shape your story’s gonna be inclined to take

I need to tell more people about my vision with this

So wolfstar are fighting and james wants them to “make up RIGHT NOW” so he holds their hands. It doesn’t matter that “we’re literally pissing prongs” because he can’t stand the bickering anymore.

Thankyou for listening

And yes james is pissing handsfree

I wonder when I'll get to see him again... I want to see him soon.

I hope he can teach me all sorts of things about soccer!

the drama is drama-ing

hi im alive i think i have (had??) tonsillitis but my tonsils are feeling a lot better today and im less stuffy but i’ve stayed home from work all week and my boss and coworkers definitely hate me for it 🙃

but in good news: my new keyboard showed up!!!! it’s like clear/pink and it sounds super satisfying to type with, i just need to get used to the new spacing since it is smaller than my old one and doesn’t have a numpad but eeeee im excited to use it!!!!!

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Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow

I didn't even get to bitch about how much I hate "dog poetry" . Word of the month

drags myself onto the dash. hey sorry there was a death. also bg3

just discovered one of my pet peeves is incompetency

Only thing stopping me from hitting on my friend relentlessly is the fact that he is straight.

my coworkers genuinely deserve gold stars for being THE most annoying people in the fucking world

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London: Day 3