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non-stop-imagines · 9 months

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My Biggest Fan

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x Black Mom!Reader

Word Count: ~1.9k words and an insta smau

Warning: Fluff, truly just fluff surrounded by delusions and hopes for a good Monza race, Charles being a great dad to the reader's daughter, reader daughter (Gianna) is from a previous (unmentioned) long term relationship

A/N: I know I said Logan was next, but... Charles' look in Monza has me FERAL! His hair obviously longer in the back, his smile in all the videos and stuff because Ferrari hasn't fully disappointed him 😫😫😵😵‍💫🫨. When I tell y'all this man is my husband and I would GLADLY have his children- 😤. This has had me unhinged all weekend and I can't even remember what it was about the post qualifying interview that made me think of this, but I wrote this in a day because Mr. Leclerc has had me hot and bothered all day. Anyway, hope you guys enjoy, whatever it is. Completely unsure of whether or not it's actually good because I'm blinded by my crush on the Monegasque driver. I promise I'll get back to our regularly scheduled programing. Love you all!!!💖💛💖💛💖💛

A/N 2: All of the pictures used for the smau portions are all from pinterest and are not my own product.

A/N 3: man petite souris = my little mouse; Désolé = sorry

____________

“Gianna, baby, sit still. You want your puffs, don't you?” You sit at the edge of the bed with your 4 year-old wriggling around in your lap, messing with Charles’ hat, the object she was nearly screaming for 5 minutes prior. You continue to gently brush back the moisturized dark coils of your daughter’s hair, glad that you had a small still window that allowed you to pull back at least one small portion of hair into a small puff. Once you were done with one side you quickly tried to pull back the other side in an effort to take advantage of your daughter's continued stillness, but just as you were going to start wrapping the elastic around the puff, Charles walks out of the bathroom, and your daughter's attention immediately goes over to him.

“Charles! Mama is putting my hair in puffs.” She runs over to Charles and looks up at him, patting the puff that you have already put in. You watch as Charles picks her up and props her on his hip to carry her back over to you.

“I see, ma petite souris. But you’ve got to sit still so your mom can finish.” He places Gia gently back on your lap and then takes the hat that fell to the floor when your daughter hopped up and put it on. As you expected, you felt a whine start to bubble up in Gia’s chest, but after dating you for just over 2 years and being around long enough to know how to field your daughter's tantrums, Charles wasn’t phased. Once he saw Gia's face start to twist up, he knelt down in front of you two and lifted up your daughter's small chubby hands in front of her. "Well now you've got to hold still for me. I have to practice." Charles then began to use your daughter's hands as the paddles on the back of his steering wheel, making the noises for the car as he does so. You take a small second to watch them, loving the sound of your daughter's giggle, the sight of Charles' bright smile with crinkled eyes. It wasn't until Charles made eye contact with you and briefly cut his eyes back at the child in your lap that you remembered the task at hand. Luckily, this was a tactic used by Charles many times before, and when they played this game, Gia worked hard to stay unmoved from the small amount of pressure being placed on her hands, which in turn kept the rest of her body considerably still, long enough for you to pull the other half of your daughter's hair into a puff and quickly clip red bows to the front of them.

"There, done." You fluff the puffs a bit with your fingers, admiring your quick work and fixing small pieces that you notice.

"No, checkered flag!" Gia bounces in place, staying stagnant in her location until Charles finishes the game. So he does, making noises simulating the car going faster, gently shaking her as he does.

“Checkered flag!” Charles mock screams, lifting Gia’s arms in the air and swiftly picks her up in a smooth motion. “What do you think? Did we finish P1 or P20?” You take the time to clean up the hair items that ended up sprawled out all over the bed at some point, not being able to take your eyes off the cute scene before you.

“P1!” Gia shouts, Charles bouncing her simultaneously with her response.

“Yeah, P1! Do you think I’m gonna win P1 today?” Charles sways the child back and forth, taking a step back when you go to walk in front of the bed, but you stop for a moment to reach around the back of his head to feel the excess hair sticking out from the bottom of his hat. “Quoi, mon amour?” He turned his head to you, wide eyes waiting for your answer.

“You’re gonna need a haircut soon, it’s getting long in the back. Which means we get to see your mom.” You smile, but at your hand that was still massaging through the long hair at the nape of his neck.

“Oh, she’ll love to hear that. I hear at least once a week how much she loves you and Gia. We can go next weekend.” Since your attention was still on his hair, you didn’t see the sweet, domestic grin that slowly presented on Charles face as his eyes danced over your features, heart fluttering at the motherly touch you gave to his head.

“Hey, you were talking to me!” Your daughter began to lightly tap the top of Charles’ hat with her open palm and you both turned to face the girl.

“Ah ah. Hands to yourself.” You were the first to answer, looking sternly at the child.

“Désolé, mama.” Gia pouts toward you, to which you proceed to gently tilt her head down so you could kiss her forehead, earning a smile from the little girl in Charles’ arms.

“That’s okay, baby.” You gently squeeze Gia’s shoulder a couple times, move your hand down so you could run it over Charles’ arm, grinning at him, then finally begin to make your way to the bathroom. “I’m gonna need to start getting in on these French lessons before I’m completely unable to understand my child.”

“I’ll schedule you for Fridays.” Charles laughs, watching you head toward the bathroom.

“Ha! Gee, thanks.” You shake your head as you tuck the hair items into one of the tote bags you brought. “I just need, maybe, 15 more minutes and then I’ll be ready to go.”

“That’s fine. Take your time, mon amour.” You disappear into the bathroom and Charles turns his attention back to the patiently waiting child in his arms. “Now, you. What do you say? P1?”

“Yeah! P1 for the Tifosi!” Gianna shouts proudly, looking expectantly at Charles waiting for him to compliment her use of Ferrari terminology.

“Where did you learn ‘Tifosi’?” Charles lets out a heavenly breathy giggle, smiling and adjusting Gianna in his arms slightly.

“Uncle Fred!” Gianna pokes at Charles’ dimples until she is finally set back down on the ground.

“Ah, I see.” It was Charles’ turn to instinctively fix small pieces of the child’s hair, also taking the time to straighten out the bows clipped to the puffs. “So, you think P1, huh?’ An unhesitating nod from the 4-year-old was all the answer Charles needed, reaching out to gently squeeze the child’s cheek. “P1 it is. Now, let's get some shoes on those feet so we can get to the track.”

________

Charles makes quick work of hopping out of his car after parking it in front of the number one sign in parc ferme and getting weighed, quickly trotting over to you and Gianna while pulling off his helmet so he could kiss you immediately upon reaching you.

“You won in Monza. Again.” Your foreheads were pressed together in the somehow simulated private moment, silence swirling around you two in the midst of celebration. That was until you both hear the small, excited voice of your daughter, hopping up and down while gently pulling at Charles’ race suit.

“You won! You won! Even with the safety car!” Charles swipes her up and nuzzles kisses into her cheek, making your daughter giggle and wrap her arms around his neck.

“I did, man petite souris. It’s because my biggest fan was cheering me on.” Charles didn’t notice exactly how long his celebration with you, Gianna and his team went on, but soon it was his turn for the post race interview and he still had Gianna in his arms. Instead of doing what was expected, and possibly required, of him, which would have been setting Gia down and letting her go back to you before doing his interview, he keeps her in his arms, only setting her down once he’s across from the interviewer, still keeping a grasp on her hand.

“Charles, what a race, especially in front of this crowd, how are you feeling right now?” As the interviewer asked Charles the simple question, Charles could feel the tiny stature of your daughter shift back behind his legs, making him smile wide before answering.

“Amazing. Simply amazing. We truly came into this race wanting to do our best. The car was great today and I can fully say that the team had no missteps. So, I’m glad to say that everything worked perfectly to produce this win.” His words were followed by the roar of Ferrari fans in the Monza grandstands, making the small girl behind his legs cling tighter to him.

“It was just as amazing to watch. And your restart under the safety car was even more amazing to watch. What were you thinking in that moment, Max right behind you?” After the question was posed, Charles felt another shift behind his legs, bending to the side slightly to rub gentle circles on the child’s back before answering.

“Erhm, staying calm. Making sure I had the timing correct. Really I was just trying not to overthink the situation. Once the safety car went in, I told myself to just push to the end. I guess it worked.” Charles lets out a breathy chuckle with his last few words, receiving a small tug to his race suit, the action by your daughter bringing the attention of your boyfriend and the interviewer towards her.

“And what did you think about the race?” The interviewer’s voice gets softer and more playful as he addresses your daughter, who is picked up by Charles after being handed his microphone.

“It was a good race.” She speaks quietly and shyly, moving the mic around.

“Speak into the microphone, petite souris. What did you tell me this morning?” Charles speaks sweetly to your daughter, smiling when she wraps an arm around the back of his neck and bringing up a hand to help her hold the microphone.

“I said that he was going to get P1. And he did! I think I’m magic.” You smile from behind the rope that separated the interview area from the rest of the track, watching the product of 2 years of numerous interactions, of listening to your daughter, of learning about her, pay off in the purest most seamless way possible. “I like seeing the Tifosi happy. I’m gonna drive for Ferrari so I can make the Tifosi happy, too.” Your daughter’s words caused the crowd to erupt in even louder cheers than when Charles initially addressed them. The smile that Gianna had could have lit up a pitch black room and the one that Charles shone toward her could have made the night sky look like the day. Charles addresses the crowd one last time, this time in Italian, before waving and carrying Gianna back to you.

“You were great out there, babycakes.” You giggle to your daughter, knowing the experience wiped out your daughter by the immediate grip her arms had around your neck. You beam up at Charles. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you.” He seems to shy away from your praise but continues to hold eye contact with you, finally giving in to your gaze and bringing his lips to yours for one more long, sweet kiss. “Ti amo.”

“Ti amo.” You give him one last kiss and send him off towards the cool down room before beginning to follow the rest of the Ferrari personnel towards the podium, contemplating if you should make a short stop to lay Gianna down for a nap in Charles’ driver room.

charlesleclerc

Liked by scuderiaferrari and 302,909 others

charlesleclerc Love my fans (and my future Ferrari driver) ❤️ 🏎️

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user1 Everyone liked that 👍🏻

yourusername All I am is a fan, huh 🤨

>charlesleclerc No, but want I want to say would not be for the eyes of children 🥵😘

user2 Y'all better have another kid soon because I need Charles to be in his Dad era, pronto

>charlesleclerc Trust me, Gia is enough for now 😪

user3 So...when does karting start?

>yourusername ...next March 😶‍🌫️

#black reader #formula 1 #f1 imagines #formula 1 x black!reader #f1 x black!reader #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc x black!reader #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc #charles leclerc scenario #charles leclerc fanfic #charles leclerc fanfiction #f1 instagram au

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oracle-fae · 22 days

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a short life update

it's been a while since i've posted. i wanted to share a few things that have been going on with me. back in March i started getting mental health help through a local psychiatry program and was diagnosed with ADHD. i began taking a new medication on top of my antidepressant and was referred for a full psych evaluation. once I spoke with my psychiatrist, she started me on a third medication for anxiety that I can take as needed. she also gave me a referral for a therapist.

i had my first therapy session two days ago and I still feel kind of emotionally exhausted from it after having to bring up a few stressful topics. overall i'm equal parts nervous and excited to finally unbox some of the trauma I've experienced in my life.

it was recommended that I keep a journal for therapy. I used to journal regularly but life got in the way and it became less and less of a priority. I did make a couple of entries over the weekend, though, but I don't have too much to write about as of late.

aside from my mental health, I've been dealing with the day to day stresses of being a mom, wife, and homemaker. my three year old broke his collarbone last week and my 17 month old is now at the age where everything is fascinating and must be touched. my husband works an insane amount of hours for the railroad and hasn't been able to do much besides eat and sleep. so, it's been a hell of a few months to say the least.

i'm still around-ish, but i'm spending more time in books and with my family than I am on the internet. earlier this year I finished the ACOTAR series and took several weeks to regroup. I finished a book called Credence this weekend and am trying to choose between two other books at the moment.

anyway, that's about it. if I get any downtime this coming week I will try to add some things to my queue now that Tumblr is once again fresh in my mind. if I don't, i'll pop back in eventually.

much love xx

#personal #update

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beyejun · 8 months

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hi everyone this is laur (except im changing my alias to august) and i figured i'd do all of my muse announcements in one lil post <3

first of all, you might have noticed that i've k*lled alex. it wasn't a lack of muse so much as i felt that he didn't suit wannabe's premise as much as i'd hoped he'd evolve into. even after his closest friends were getting signed, he had no interest in being an idol so it was kinda a lost cause there... plus, i had wanted to bring yejun back since i dropped him about a year ago, and didn't want to break any rules, so... here we are now!

if u remember yejun you might also remember that i dropped him almost exactly a year ago bc of my terrible seasonal depression. well, i am happy to report that i am doing much better (so far) this year and regularly taking vitamin d makes a huge difference! so now the boy is here to stay.

very little changed about him, but i'll still do a quick recap under the cut!

a lot of this is copied-pasted from my last intro post on yejun... work smarter not harder aksjdhfas

tl;dr of any changes

i changed his history a bit so the last year+ was spent doing his military service; he's only recently returned in time to return to his studies this fall semester.

he's in @bejoomi's band! drummer (which is also a new skill).

tl;dr of his backstory

knew he wanted to pursue music professionally basically since middle school, however his parents are extremely opposed to the idea and would rather see him do something more “respectable” (aka something that he’ll actually make money at lol)

saved up his allowance to buy his own guitar and taught himself to play with the help of youtube because his parents said that if they were going to pay for instrument lessons, he’d have to learn violin or piano or something more “formal”… so as u can see as a child he was (respectfully) defiant and did his own thing anyway (also learned the drums somehow in this time)

he made a deal w his parents that if he could get scouted by an entertainment company by the time he graduated high school, he could pursue music. obviously, he is not a trainee or an idol, so that failed. so his end of the bargain was that he’d go to university for whatever they wanted instead.

he had to retake the exam once bc the first time he took it his scores were so bad so he started a year late and is currently in his sophomore year as an economics major. it’s still a mild disappointment to his parents since he has a brother who is a lawyer and the other is in med school, but it was the best program that yejun could get into.

needless to say. he hates economics. he’s doing his best but his motivation is at an all time low, he constantly feels burned out and tired, and honestly he’s probably depressed but he doesn’t know it bc he doesn’t think he’s “bad enough” to be “actually depressed” but he is just gaslighting himself honestly

interests and personality quirks

since starting economics school he’s slowly lost motivation to do anything that he used to do for fun, which unfortunately includes playing guitar. he hasn’t touched it in about a year… :( he is playing drums again tho

does the bedtime revenge thing where he stays up late when he really shouldn’t… he says it’s bc he doesn’t want to wake up and have to go to class

because he doesn’t sleep much at night he survives on a delicate balance between a caffeine addiction (he loves a good iced americano) and mid-day depression naps.

kinda hard to get him out and about these days… but that said he’s into video games, mostly team-based first person shooters, and is apparently a tank main. i don’t actually play any first person shooters so i have no idea of the details on this but he’s supposedly a decent player (nowhere near pro but able to be somewhat competitive in casual games)… when he’s staying up all night he’s probably playing games with his friends

also plays minecraft when he wants something slower paced… not particularly good at anything in it but he likes building his silly little house

oh by the way! he has an aunt who lives near his parents who visited often… she’d often make remarks about his chubby cheeks, call him fat and ugly, and after growing up hearing that constantly yejun honestly believes her

another fun (and by fun i mean decidedly unfun) tidbit is that he had a gf he was very serious about in his freshman yr of uni… it was a relatively short relationship but he genuinely thought he’d marry her. until she gave him chlamydia right after he came home from the military (he was going to propose too btw). turns out she was cheating! needless to say they broke up, yejun is now healthy after a round of antibiotics, and he doesn’t want to talk about her ever again. he tried a rebound or two to see if they’d cheer him up but they honestly made him feel worse so he ditched that idea pretty quickly… happy to stay single for now (supposedly)

plots & relationships

this boy… needs some friends in his life that’ll deal with his depressive tendencies and maybe push him out of his comfort zone. maybe a friend who keeps trying to set him up w other girls to help him find someone who actually makes him forget about his ex? or a friend who invites him out for coffee at least once a week just to make sure he gets out of the house for something other than classes sometimes… other cute ideas too pls i would like to put so much love into his life he has no choice but to get better

classmates too ofc… i dont expect anyone else to be an economics major but maybe they had some gen eds together? or were in the same freshman orientation and stayed in touch? i didn’t specify where he’s going but it’s not an arts school, so this is open for plotting out the details!

along w classmates… study buddies? they dont have to go to the same school or anything tbh they can just meet up at the same libraries, cafes, etc. and work on their own stuff… just having someone else around helps keep yejun on track a little bit better

high school friends too… he went to sopa thanks to the deal w his parents, so anyone he was close with then would’ve probably known about it and known what became of it… he’s a lot quieter and more subdued than he used to be so i wonder what your muse would think about that 🤔

i also do love some good antagonistic plots so maybe some old rivals who are happy to kick him while he’s down… alternatively rivals who miss his competition and want him back in the music/idol wannabe scene to help push them both

considered the idea of him having been in a band in high school with friends that’s since dissolved… so ex-bandmates might be cool

he's in dead calm but there's no rules that say he can't also play in another band as well! maybe someone should convince him to pick up the guitar again

#.ooc #intro post!!

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painted-crow · 2 years

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Bird? Bird. Bird Bird.

Hey there. I've been going in circles about my sorting since I discovered the SHC system and would appreciate your help in figuring it out. Although I'm convinced I'm at least some sort of Badger and Bird combo, possibly with some Lion in there somewhere, I'll let you decide based on the word vomit below. 😆

Nonny, I have no idea how Tumblr is going to format an ask this long when I post it, so in the interest of letting people actually read the words you've put effort into (and making sure my reply is also trackable), I'm copypasting this so it'll behave more like a submission. Yours is a recent ask I think, so hopefully you see it! I'll briefly post the original once this is up, so you get the ping.

As a kid, my family called me a walking encyclopedia. I spent a lot of my time burying my head in books and magazines in an effort to understand the world around me rather than engaging with people. National Geographic, atlases, and the Magic Treehouse series were particular favorites of mine, but sometimes I would sprinkle in some fantasy novels here and there when I felt like reading something more creative and fun.

Nice, this is a whole lot of Birdsec up front. Wonder why you need me to confirm this for you.

Along with a genuine curiosity about history and science, I felt a sense of security in gathering knowledge and would let it guide my decisions (What a fucking nerd, am I rIGHT?)

Shoosh, you are perfectly cool.

Also, I would constantly correct everyone and anyone if I felt they didn't understand something or were completely uninformed, even if butting into that conversation was rude (then again, it could also be that I was too young to understand that there was a time and place for speaking).

Probably. Can I take a guess here that you were an asynchronous development (aka "gifted") kid? Maybe even twice exceptional ("gifted" and also neurodivergent)? I don't have that info obviously, I'm just guessing.

@wisteria-lodge just came out with a great post about "gifted" kids (and why that term is garbage).

A lot of twice exceptional kids get "missed" with diagnosis (hi!) and don't know there's a name and a reason for the struggles they have to deal with, especially social struggles. I can't diagnose you, of course, but that might be something to read up on if you haven't already.

(Good places to start are @adultingautistic and @adhd-alien on tumblr, or the YouTube channel HowToADHD. Be very wary of any source that's targeted almost completely towards parents of autistic or ADHDer kids, or anything that feels infantilizing in general. ND folks are just different, not broken or oversensitive or immature. If a source doesn't seem to know that, you know they have at least one huge piece of bad info. Their other stuff probably isn't better.)

Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled program.

It felt wrong to let them have an incomplete picture.

Ooh, an Idealist primary. Probably Bird. Could still be Lion?

I was very outspoken about what I thought was right and wrong, and why, which was usually some fun fact I had read in a book or heard through someone else.

Yeah, no, that's Bird.

Even when I would play basketball, I would play better if I understood the theoretical and technicalities of the game and how to work within the rules. I had to understand the why before I could even begin to execute. In a realm where physicality was seemingly more important, I still managed to find a playing and learning style that allowed me to stay in my head.

You are a loud Birdsec, and I suspect the reason you're piling up all this evidence for me is that you also have more unwarranted insecurity about it than the Shaq-A-Roni (not sponsored) has cheap greasy salami.

TLDR; I was an arrogant shit as a kid, lmao.

Bullshit.

I mean, maybe you acted that way. But I don't think you're seeing the whole picture.

Some kids have the bad luck to grow up interacting with adults like this...

Adult: you are Smart, and therefore worthy of Positive Attention.

Kid: ok I will work very hard at being Smart, because I value your opinion and want Positive Attention.

(later)

Kid: can I have the Positive Attention? I am very Smart. look at this Smart thing I did

Adult: bad! arrogant! only We may bestow the label of Smart, and declare worthiness of Attention, when it is convenient to Us!

Kid: but I did the same thing...

Adult: yes but now it's annoying. you should know this, you're Smart.

Of course, there is some reasoning to adults' wanting kids to learn social norms about modesty. But generally they don't explain this well, and the kids who continue to act "arrogant" are at least a little bit attention starved.

Kids wanting attention isn't a bad thing. It's a totally normal and natural need. It's not selfish of them to want feedback and praise; that's just a human thing, and kids need it for development. Kids who get called arrogant are mostly just following the rules adults have set for their interactions.

You can call an adult arrogant, but an adult has the ability to choose not to interact that way. They can opt out of the entire premise that intelligence is what makes them worthy, and they have a lot more freedom to set boundaries. Kids' choices are much more constrained, and they don't always realize they have a choice when they do, because their freedom and autonomy is always growing and it takes time to figure out how to use that. (Also because they don't always have the freedom and safety they should.)

So if you grew up in an environment like this, even if that interaction above was... more subtle, you shouldn't blame yourself for the coping mechanism you picked up--even if it feels bad or shameful to look back on, or you want to act differently now. Feeling shame is also normal, it's just not very productive. Once more I'll point at the works of Brené Brown--you can probably find her books in the library.

Since you're a Birdsec, I wonder if you ever had a "Trying To Impress You" Actor Bird mask. I definitely did, and it became so automatic that it took me ages to realize that it was there and I could take it off. Then I discovered how much energy that thing had been taking to maintain. Yikes.

This garbage isn't limited to one Sorting, btw. The school system and societal expectations fling it at all of us.

Being self-deprecating, and calling yourself nerdy, arrogant, or other labels like that can stem the accusations of arrogance, but it's not the healthiest way to talk to or about yourself. You don't need to put yourself down. You don't need to impress anyone. You're worthy whether you impress people or not.

Be kind to your child-self, is what I'm saying. It's hard, but remember they're a kid, and they're still part of you. Have compassion for them.

During my high school years, I developed social anxiety which also led to depression. Through a lot of therapy and some friends that I would use as a sounding board, it became apparent that the main trigger for my anxiety was concern with doing the right thing in dealing with people (as well as the usual fear of judgment and suffocating feeling of being around large crowds).

Yeah, primary anxiety. Not fun. Also, maybe,,, RSD? Again, not here to diagnose you with anything, just something to read up on.

My thinking was very big picture, too much at times, and I was so worried about considering every single variable and possibility that analysis paralysis became a common frustration for me.

Do I have some sort of bias that's affecting how I treat this person? Why does this work for me but not for this other person? Am I being ignorant by choosing this? Am I really getting to the bottom of this issue or did I make a wrong turn somewhere and now have completely lost sight of it?

Textbook Exploded Bird. Hugs, that's tough.

It looked a lot like caring about what other people thought of me, but really I was concerned with how my thinking and opinions could be negatively affecting those around me.

I wonder who this voice is, cutting you down. The implication that you're obsessed with your own image, how people see you, is a common thread between this and the "arrogance" thing you're worried about. Does that accusation really come from you? Or was it something someone else told you?

You're not just self-conscious. Someone has taught you to be self-conscious about being self-conscious. And look, maybe they meant well or whatever, but this isn't helping you.

(Also, this anxious self-examination? It's a stressed-out Birdpri habit. Your Sorting is the easiest part of this ask to answer.)

Hurting someone else was the result of a flaw in my system. The way that I treated people was a direct reflection of who I was and my goodness as a person; if I made a wrong decision and hurt somebody, then I was a monster.

You and the Bird from my last ask. (Unless you're the same person, lol.) Go read that post here.

And, being somewhat young at the time, I made wrong decisions constantly.

Well, yeah. Everyone does.

I would constantly ask friends, "Should I have done X instead?" in order to gain perspective on every single tiny detail of a social situation. It got so bad that I was extremely burnt out by the middle of my sophomore year and struggled with basic social interactions. I was paralyzed. (Is this what Burning is like? Not totally sure. Maybe just Undecided?)

It's more Explodey, but could be charred too. Again, see that linked post.

Over the years, I had to learn how to not constantly analyze myself and my motivations because it was heavily affecting my quality of life. I have since gotten better, but still do fall into the trap of over-psychoanalyzing myself from time to time, much to my friends' dismay.

Hey, recovery! We love to see it ❤

Even if it's not perfect, this is still really important for you. You're working to move past the struggles you've had to deal with. Congrats! ✨

One pattern that I have noticed over the course of my life is that people trust me more quickly than they trust other people, hence the mediator reputation. I think there is a part of that that was related to my social status and the fact that I wouldn't have anyone to tell, nonetheless being able to help others helped me develop a lot of confidence and decent interpersonal/communication skills.

Did you pick up a Badgersec model/performance/Actor Bird mask as your default social mode? It's possible, and if so, same :p

I have had people who have told me about their mental illnesses, childhood trauma, secret hate for their s/o or family member, etc within a week of knowing them. (For a while it got to the point of me being a bit of an enabler of toxic behaviors, which I've corrected since then) Most of them are lucky that I'm nice enough to keep their secrets, lol.

I get this too--outside the blog, I mean, and completely unprompted. It's kind of strange when it just... happens to you!

That's an experience connected with Badger secondaries and Badgersec models.

I did have one incident recently that involved one person in my friend group crossing of boundaries so blatantly and harmfully and constant gaslighting that I confided in a few friends about how I'd been mistreated and what this person had told me about themselves as reasons that I thought they were a terrible person, and within a few days that person was out of the group.

I didn't need to lie, I didn't need to exaggerate the truth, and I didn't even need to do much else other than tell these few friends about the red flags, and they still took my side. It felt horrible at the time, and still does as I retell it, and I constantly ask myself how I let this person lie to and confuse me for so long without realizing it.

Well done, asking for support when you needed it! Aside from protecting yourself (a worthy and important cause), you protected your friends from this person potentially doing the same thing to them.

Also, you have good friends. And probably a Badgersec model.

Don't blame yourself for not defending yourself earlier, either. It takes time and experience to learn how to set boundaries and figure out when someone is acting in bad faith.

In the least rude way possible, I have to ask: do you have access to therapy? You need some self-compassion, you're way too hard on yourself. That's not a judgment on you; a lot of the advice I'm offering, I gathered from personal experience.

(Hopefully I'm not just projecting. I have to make a lot of guesses in these posts.)

I'm sorry for the lengthy ask, but hopefully there was some helpful information somewhere within that whole shpeel.

I think you already knew you were a double Bird, underneath all the self-doubt. You just needed someone to tell you that you're a good enough double Bird.

It's okay. You are. You belong, I promise.

- Paint

#sortinghatchats #ravenclaw primary #ravenclaw secondary #shc exploded houses #hufflepuff secondary model #asks #paint speaks

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stumbleintothesun · 3 years

Text

Life Rant

For the few people in here...sorry lmao this is long as hell.

Lately I've been feeling like...garbage. I know there's no one on this place that really follows me, so this is me posting to the void.

I have been dealing with a lot of health issues related to my mental health and weight. I've gained nearly twenty pounds in a year, and no matter what I do my weight doesn't budge. I work out regularly, Ive been trying to eat better but...my only thought is its because I'm working a desk job now - which I fucking hate with a fury. And I know my weight isnt the end of the world - it just really, really fucks with my mental health. I've always felt ugly. The only time I didn't was when I was super thin which I know is problematic - and I know that's part of my mental health...like my aunt died from an ED. And my mom definitely had/has an ED even if she's gotten much better about it in the past few years...

And I'm finally getting my face to clear up after wearing these masks for a year - a year! But I'm still dealing with the healing process and I'm anxious it will scar. I've worked this entire pandemic at a job I *hate* just to you know, finally pay off my student loans just go back to school so maybe I can do something I love. But even at 25 and providing for myself, I hardly got any financial help. The only thing saving me is my grades that got me a decent transfer scholarship.

But the first school I applied to wanted my high school transcript, even though I have an associate's degree, and because I'm, frankly, stupid I somehow missed that they needed it. So they threw out my application that I spent an otherwise four hours writing for.

So I'm going to Eastern, which frankly will be better for my mental health, but they don't have a tuition free program. So I'm going to have to borrow money after just finally paying off my single year at a liberal arts college debt that I took on when I was 17 (it ended up being like 30k to pay off). And it's all because I didn't fucking read right. So much for being a good student, I guess.

But it wouldn't have mattered because they would've hardly taken any of my classes despite most of them being from down the road and for an associate's degree! And even Eastern is giving me a hard time, despite my degree they say I don't have the basic level biology course - my degree is biology focused! I'm going into ecology! I have taken genetics, conservation biology, anatomy and physiology, cellular biology but I don't have intro bio? So now I have to test out, on top of working full time. Which is fine, its a good refresher...I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now. I have a stack of over 100 flash cards and I'm just anxious.

This is a year after my partner went through an ugly break up with their old fiance (we were poly), and their ex was an abusive POS who once told them if they came out as anything other than their assigned gender, he wouldn't date them anymore. He gaslit them constantly, made them feel like hell. So we finally got out, but he wanted the house they got together or 10k. He made over double what they make - and he always forced them to pay half the bills, including half of his fucking protein bullshit because it was "groceries." He knew they didn't have the funds. Because our friends are amazing, we were able to buy him off but he left the house trashed.

It fucking sucked, and they were also responsible for getting his name off the house which meant a refinance that we could hardly afford. We got lucky we were able to do it, but they hardly got anything back for it. And it was a *nightmare*. We finally got it done, after pulling teeth and it took six months. Four months longer than they said. And that entire time they were forced to occasionally reach out to him, their old abuser.

Finally we were free, but then I started having further issues at work. Between the pandemic, and working in a heavily red area during the election, I cried a lot. I work in customer service and while I make okay money for the industry, I'm constantly burned out. My colleagues are okay, but it feels stupid to leave just to find a job for three months to go back to school. Then I started being short in my drawer (I'm a teller at a bank). The final straw was being short $500. Now I'm on a work plan, and if Im short again, I'm out. And it's my fault. I don't know how it has been happening. So now I'm always on edge at work, triple checking everything. And I could leave, I could get another job but there's no promise I'll make what I do now, and in order for me to pay for the chunk of school I need to, I have to put away a certain amount every month.

I do have a grant of sorts for 5k per semester to help with bills, which will alleviate a lot once August arrives. And I know I'm crazy lucky to have that. So sometimes I feel like such an asshole about it. But we have a house to pay for and bills to pay. Just like everyone else. Ugh, I don't know.

I talked to my doctor about my weight, came in with calorie intake numbers and how much I work out with zero change. I cut out pop entirely from drinking it every day. Nothing has helped. So we switched my meds from Lexapro to Wellbutrin to see if I lose weight because of that. Nope, just having more mental break downs, steady weight, and my resting heart rate is abnormally high, stopping me from making a little extra cash donating plasma. So now I'm switching back to Lexapro with nothing gained other than. You know. Feeling like shit. Next up? Birth control coming out of my arm. Don't really need it anyway. And maybe that will help? But I don't think so. I'm not sure what to do.

I am genuinely trying to be healthy, eating more whole foods. More veggies. More home cooked meals. I love to cook, I'm just tired. And sometimes the air fryer and oven baked frozen foods are too easy to pass up. I'm trying to always eat breakfast. I'm working out again, we have a gym membership but there are so many men there and I dont always feel comfortable, because my partner has been anemic and they can't go yet. So I use our bike in the living room and do home workouts.

But when I did this last time there was zero change in weight or anything. Even when I ate really, really clean for three weeks and worked out for most days, tracking calories and everything. Nothing changed. My thyroid is fine, we've already checked it. I'm just tired.

This past year, other than being with my partner has fucking sucked. And this doesn't even cover all the shit they've dealt with with switching to they/them and a name change. I love them so much, and love that they are finally comfy but their parents were assholes about it. And that matters. It does, and I get it. I just wish I could help them more. I wish we had a break, a breather for longer than a day. Even then I can't relax, I'm too on edge. There's too much to be done. I need to earn money, I need to clean, I need to focus. I need to be productive in some way to justify if I'm not working on those things. It's...all dumb.

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