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impala1967dwinchester · 3 years

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Sam Winchester: Out of the closet

Pride Collection 2021 June 5th

Pairing: AU! Sam W. x Sister!Reader

Pov: Y/n

Warnings: Coming out, support from a family member. Mentions of Dean and John.

Summary: Finally feeling comfortable you tell Sam your biggest secret, but you think NO you know he can handle it seeing as he is your big brother.

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N- Bisexual, @firefly-graphics for the bisexual dividers Supposed to be posted on the 5th of June, but was unfortunately postponed to the 6th of June

Sam Winchester Master List

Main Master List

Pride Collection Master List 2021

Today is the day that I'm going to tell Sam my most important secret.

I've had this secret for years now. It started my last year in high school, and with Sam being the older brother is, when he left for college he took me with him.

Anyways, He got me set up in an apartment, he came and visited me every other day. Going to class, and just being normal was nice, and it lasted for a while.

There was a party for the seniors that year. I toyed with the idea of dressing up and going out or just stayin' home and studying. I was very much Sammy when it came to my schooling. Something that I'd just learned from him over the years.

I just made a choice deciding that one night of partying wouldn't hurt me or my schooling. So I dressed up in a short red dress, black flats, and the only thing I had taken with me before leaving Dean and John.

Slipping into a black jacket that was a size too big, but smelled like my older brother Dean. I grabbed my keys and left. I had never gone to a party if you don't include the father-daughter dance that John half-ass took me to the Sam ended up having to save me from. Or the random school dances that I had.

Showing up to this party everyone's eyes were on me. It was a weird sensation to be stared at but in a sorta good way. In a way that made me wonder.

Very quickly I had a few guys surrounding me, their actions were pointless as I ignored them, and I left them to discuss between themselves. One good thing that John has taught me was not to take shit from anyone, I think he forgot that also meant him.

But regardless of that, I went to go see if I could find a few friends. I was met with a beautiful woman, her long legs covered in jeans with thigh-laced-up boots and a relieving t-shirt.

It didn't click then, or later on when I was tapped on the shoulder by a taller version of the woman. He had short blonde hair, dressed like every other jock, but the immediate feeling, sense I got from him was nothing but lust.

Now it's been seven years, seven years for me to try out things with many different people, and figuring myself out along the way. I've come to the conclusion that I don't just like the men that serve me coffee in the morning, or the women that I do yoga with.

Sam's older now, just by a year his beautiful wife and his kids, live in a small starter home at the end of our quiet town. Sam's wife has always taken a liking to me. And their kiddos call me Auntie.

It all around a great part of my life to be around my family. To be around so much love and admiration for each other. But the fear of saying the truth, the fear of telling my older brother makes me worry.

Makes me worry that I'll spill the truth on a silver platter and be told I'm not worthy of that love and admiration that I crave to have, that I enjoy seeing.

Sometimes it floats around, I can see even if it for just a brief moment. I can it flutter around Sam's kids, or him and his wife the way they share just a longing happy look for each other.

"I hate to bother you two live birds, but I was wondering if I could take the kiddos out for ice cream?" I ask Sammy, he smiles and says "Sure just be careful. Love ya." I gather their two kids up and well chase each other to my car.

In moments like this, I sometimes wish I already had kids. I also wish that their uncle and grandfather could be here to see them grow and flourish into strong men and strong women.

But regardless, we listen and sing along to a special playlist that we made together. Just a thing for the three of us to enjoy. "Auntie, play our songs please!"

Sam's youngest says her politeness reminds me of him. "Yeah, Auntie you gotta play our songs and sing along with us this time!" Sams oldest screams, he looks like Sam, but in reality, has the personality and swagger of Sam's wife.

We make it to our favorite ice cream place. They always get the same things, no matter the time of the season. "You two outta try something different," I say to them, they give me a look of 'How dare you to tell me to get something different.' I giggle, and we walk out to the shop.

Getting the kiddos back, and in bed was a task. They gave their kisses to me, and then to Sam. Their mother takes them to bed, so nows it's just my brother and me. "Good night pumpkins, Auntie loves you," I say Watching the two of them holding their hands and walk down the hallway.

There's no better time to tell him.

"Hey, are you okay Y/n?" Sam asks an almost empty beer in his hand. He's sitting across from me at the dinner table. I'm in my own thoughts, I'm brought back when I feel Sam's socked foot hit the bottom of my foot.

"Yeah, you could say that I'm okay," I say back, I'm starting to worry about what he might say, maybe I shouldn't say anything.

"Look, I'm your older brother, I know when somethin' is bothering you," Sam says with a hopeful look. I frown, I might as well say the truth, that's something that Sam and I promised each other when we left Dean and John.

"Nothing is bothering me, Sammy, I just need to say something to you and I don't know how to phrase it." He puts his beer down and get's up grabbing my hand and taking me outside.

He'd always done this with me when we were younger. Dragging me to the open yard, he plopped down to the grass and drug me with him. He'd tell me when I was young, to look up in the sky and feel the earth below me. To let go of worries, and be calm be thoughtful.

"Sam, what are we doing out here? We aren't kids anymore." I said closing my eyes. "Y/n just please, do this for me. Maybe you'll figure out a way to phrase your thoughts." He said

I thought as he told me to do. It was nice to feel everything around me and not so much worry about things. "Are you better now Y/n?" Sam asked, I opened my eyes and smiled.

"A little yeah," I said, I might as well just say it, let it be in the open. Regardless of what Sam may think, or even say I'm just going to go for it. That's at least one major thing, Sammy, as taught me over the years.

"Sammy.. I've thought long and hard about telling you and even saying this out loud, but I'm bisexual," I said getting up and looking at my older brother.

He'd yet to give me a reaction, no change in his facial expression, no words yet spoken. It was just quiet, the weird unsettling silence, that gives me anxiety. Makes me worry that the sweet moment between a brother and his sister will forever be lost, that I'll never get to see my nephew and niece again.

But before I know it I'm encased in Sam's overbearing arms, he's hugging me tightly, reassuring me that he loves me, tell me that he proud of me. Everything thought that I had was wrong. He's my brother, after all, he knows me better than anyone.

"Can I ask a question, peanut?" He said, using a nickname he'd used many years ago. We were still hugging, I hummed. "Am I the first person you've officially told?" Sam asked.

I thought a minute, my partners that I'd been with hadn't really known, so yeah Sam was the first to know. "Yeah, I think you are Sammy," I said holding on tight to his hug.

"I just want you to know that I love you, and I'm always here for you peanut. Why don't you and I go out for the weekend tomorrow? Spend some quality time together?!" He asked. I smiled and hummed.

There was nothing better than being excepted and loved. Not only that but it also felt like a thousand-pound rock had been lifted from my shoulders by telling Sam.

Completed on: 06/05/2021

Posted on: 06/06/2021

Tag List: @sweetdetectivequeen @wonderfulworldofwinchester @hobby27 @fofisstilinski @doctorlilo

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takadanobaba · 3 years

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Jin Norizuki’s Birthday PriZoom 7/18/2021

Oh the things I do for Jin Norizuki

That was SUCH an experience. I had a lot of fun!!

Main takeaway is that I am now acutely aware of when to YO in a song

(Okay so this is my first time attending a prizoom (or even any kinpri screening outside of Luna’s sss rabbit sessions!) so this is all entirely new to me and I can’t really compare it to much, but I figured that it’d be good to write up a report of sorts to fill in for Luna in a way!)

The prizooms are also accessible to everyone and don’t require any Japanese info confirmation!! If you’re interested in attending please go and support kinpri!!!

(Note: I think about Jin wayyyy too much and interpret them as nonbinary, so I use they/them pronouns for Jin. It’s just automatic for me at this point and feels weird otherwise haha so I’ll be doing that in this)

Jin is my all time favorite character and love of my life who I’m extremely delusional about so when a prizoom was announced for their birthday I went INSANE because I didn’t expect Jin’s birthday to be acknowledged AT ALL given how they’re usually excluded/treated like a side character (+ kinpri’s been putting out little to no content lately anyways....haha....). I was waiting in anticipation ever since it was announced (around June 6th) and even put in a time-off request for my work the day of its announcement just so I could attend!!!! ........ You can imagine my frustration at kinpri waiting until the very last minute to put out details about Jin’s prizoom ^^;

💙 💙 💙 💙 💙 💙

Also!! I’m a complete ~ foreigner ~ and managed to get tickets perfectly fine with my American credit card (and putting in some very obviously Not-An-Actual-Resident-Of-Japan address info...)! So if anyone’s curious about attending a prizoom but worried about region-locking, it’s possible! Very possible! If you’re interested in it, please go! You don’t need to have a Japanese phone number/credit card/address/etc. to purchase PriZoom tickets on RakutenTicket! It’s such an experience! If you need any help buying tickets then I’d be more than happy to assist!! Please support the PriZoom screenings and help increase the demand for more kinpri content!!!!!!!!!!!! I will personally become a living prizoom advertisement

(Also if any kinpri staff find this: I’m sorry for not respecting rules this time but I just wanted to provide a detailed account of the prizoom event and encourage participation for other foreign fans! I won’t do this again!!!)

💙 💙 💙 💙 💙 💙

I only attended the first and third showings (consisting of the first movie and Over the Sunshine!) because I wanted to see the new/not currently archived content (the second/pride the hero showing’s bonus was just Jin’s birthday video by Joji which I already revisit little too much ahaha). I also went to the chat-only rooms because I wasn’t very confident that I wouldn’t be awkward with my nonexistent cheering experience and intent to just observe what its like (despite knowing that the cheering rooms are more fun based on what Luna said haha). That, and I was planning on using the EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS soundboard of ABSOLUTE CHAOS for everything since I have issues with voice dysphoria and figured it’d be good to stick to the room with that normalized as the one and only cheering method so participating would be a little less annoying to others, since we’d all have the same idea ^^;

I’m more active on twitter and follow/am mutuals with pretty much anybody who likes Jin enough to post about them, so it was cool seeing almost everyone there! At least half of them tweeted about this being their first prizoom haha. Jin’s birthday was also promoted as a good introduction to prizooms since the first showing was set at a price point of 718 yen instead of the usual 1,760 yen? So, lots of first timers attending! I guess most people had the same thought process as me about the whole insecure-about-not-being-used-to-proper-cheering/using-their-mic thing? Because most of my twitter following ended up in the chat-only rooms with me! Fun!

Also interesting how most people chose the male voice option for the cheering soundboard feature since there’s actually only 2 men who love Jin like that (I’m included in that number!!) in the Jin-obsessed twitter circle. I guess it was because it sounds kinda Joji-ish? and therefore fitting for an event dedicated to Jin! What with them being meant for each other and all.... Plus being Joji is just a fun way to play off having issues about using your own voice (I... project onto Joji a lot.)

👆 👆 👆

Okay I actually typed up all of the above during the second showing (since I wasn’t occupied attending that one) and everyone had the same train of thought and was definitely being Joji. You know that one “song” in Over the Sunshine- Glorious Schwarz- consisting of Joji just going wild infodumping for 3.5 minutes? Yeah EVERYONE who selected the male voice option was spamming 「おれもー！」/ “ME TOO!!!” during that (including me!). So it was like:

“I weighed 4646 grams at birth! ☆”

“MMMMEMEEMEMMT MEE ME MEEE EMME ME ME TOO M M ME TOO”

SO OBNOXIOUS. I LOVE IT. EVERYONE SHARING THE SAME BRAINCELL. THE JOJI BRAINCELL.

💙

The highlight of the prizoom (in my opinion) was when some guy repeatedly hit よっ！/ YO! to the music in the first movie, which then led to everyone having a collective ~ Realization ~

After that happened, everybody joined in and started YO!-ing along in the other lives. Beautiful.

(Blurred recording of Dramatic Love and Showcase Night just so YO!u can see what I mean.)

(I only did those two to test screen recording after failing to archive the first Jin bonus while using the soundboard feature in the first showing, initially I didn’t intend to record anything but the bonuses and will not be doing that anymore. If you attend, don’t be like me or worse!!!! Please!! I’ll delete these if needed/after a few weeks. Also just wanted to mention that Koi no Royal Straight Flush is up there in Kinpri’s Most YO!-able songs)

I love this soundboard feature. Sounds like hell. Prizooms are truely a new form of art because of it. Amazing how cheering screenings have evolved over a pandemic. Music feels empty to me without the YO!s now. After this I ended up listening to the entire kinpri discography so I could determine the YO!ability of each song. Not sure if every prizoom is like that? But I really want to go to more showings just for the community experience! I’m morbidly curious as to how many people would try to YO! to Platonic Sword. I considered going to Rei’s because they’re showing Shiny Rose Stars, but I probably won’t though since money and sleep are things (They really should make tickets no more than 1,000 yen.... they’re zoom meetings with audio problems....THE AUDIO ISSUES ARE FUN THOUGH! YOU CAN SPAM “GANBATTE” WITH EVERYONE!!) Plus while I do like every kinpri character, none of the street boys are really my favorites and going to every showing regardless of character would be a lot. I assumed that I was only going to try attending Joji’s until they announced that they were gonna do something for Jin!! So if you want to see what it’s like PLEASE get tickets and experience it for yourself!! It’s so much more fun participating !!!! Relying on 1-2 people to post event summaries isn’t exactly consistent coverage of every prizoom either!

\ よっ！/ \ よっ！/ \ よっ！/

So much of this is a community experience that you just have to see for yourself! It’s really cool seeing people go all out for their favorites and just going wild. Notable participants include:

- Two separate people just working out the entire time (one of them doing “Prism Exercise” meaning very high effort full-body cheering and dancing? It was really impressive seeing them go all-out for such a long time!)

- Two (2!) Ai cosplayers!!! One attending the prizoom with a Jin cosplayer!!

- The lady who cosplayed Jin in their cute green pre-retirement prism star outfit WITH A HUGE JIN PUPPET IN THE SAME STYLE AS THE SHUFFLE PUPPETS IN THE STAGEPLAY!!!

- That one person who just had a Minato fish head on the entire time (?!)

- A Victoria cosplayer who showed off a really nice!! drawing of Jin they did during the participant showcase at the end of the screenings

- The person with a REALLY CUTE!!!!! homemade Jin plushie!!

- Two people who attended with 3D/vtuber style models of the Go Go Glorious! (YMT29 subunit) members: Noel Tokyo and Mikado Shibuya (who also had a model of Ai!)

- A really cute Joji vtuber model!

💙 💙 💙 💙 💙 💙

The bonuses were Jin’s birthday video from 2016 and a birthday message of sorts from Jin!

I actually didn’t manage to properly archive the first one as intended because things went horribly wrong so I ended up with nothing but just a terrible (said affectionately) little recording of the soundboard I linked earlier. But whatever I shouldn’t be doing that anyways. Hopefully kinpri includes that and the other prizoom bonuses in something later.... the thought of any content being stuck as lost media terrifies me. I don’t have a good enough memory or a high enough Japanese proficiency level to type it out but it wasn’t particularly analyzable or anything (telling that to myself to make me feel better about losing it). Just the usual Jin being dramatic and going on an evil monologue. Jin being evil ASMR. I lovingly burned another one of Jin’s evil laughs into my mind too so there’s that.

For the 3rd showing bonus however I did not fail though it’s arguably the less interesting bonus of the two since it’s unvoiced. I really love Jin’s voice. Big sexy. Actual dialogue is pretty similar to each other from what I’ve gathered (ending with one of Jin’s cute little アーーーッハッハッハッ！！！！！’s (the text effect for the unvoiced bonus was an appreciated detail!).

(I’m not very confident in my ability to provide a good translation so I’ll just not embarrass myself)

“ AAAaAAaHAHAAHAAa ~ ! ! ! ! ! ! ! “

💙

Yes Jin I’ll support you in the future-!!! ヾ(>▽ <、 )

I’ll never not be obsessed but it’d still be nice to have more substantial content to gush about and do that with.... Kinpri come back and release an anime continuation.... give me the Jin plot development....kinpri come back my happiness is a little too reliant on you

After the showings you get an email asking for feedback which is cool! I’ve been waiting to complain about how 法月 is written as Noriduki instead of Norizuki for the longest time but I never had a chance until now haha. Makes it so painful for me to buy Jin merch. Also begged for an anime continuation. I wonder how much they take into account feedback? I guess I’ll see when/if they start writing Jin’s name how it’s supposed to be.

ANYWAYS

IF YOU WANT TO GO TO A PRIZOOM, DO IT!

Prism shows really are best experienced with a community!!! If you like kinpri it’s a GREAT OPPORTUNITY to experience what a cheering screening is like with the Japanese fanbase from the comfort of your very own home which is most likely nowhere near Japan!! Everyone should experience prism shows!!!! I have no regrets and I’m still so hyped from the prism sparkle!!!

ANYBODY CAN ATTEND AND BUY TICKETS EVEN WITHOUT JAPANESE INFORMATION!!!

\\ GLORIOUS SCHWARZ! //

#king of prism #jin norizuki #Err try not to spread around my recordings too much #Dont want the staff thinking badly of foreigners and region locking things haha #Kinpri_pr didn't even blur out their recording of the prizooms like me and they record everything for promo purposes anyways #But I'll probably remove mine after a bit anyways #me and my very concerning crush on jin #using joji as a self insert

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shanie-the-toyaddict · 4 years

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Shanie’s Dream Fic: A Masterpost

The following is a Masterpost of all my various finished, started, and sketched out dream stories. They are listed here as the dreams originally were, not as the stories the dreams became. Listings are by Saga/Series, Story Title, and Month/Year of original dream. Also listed are the fandoms of the dreams and any specific warnings the fics might carry. For the record, this isn’t a post really for anyone on here. It’s mostly for my own records. I do have a copy on my cloud storage but I’m putting it here as well on the off chance anyone is curious. BTW: I’m putting this here so that I don’t have to list it every time. As far as the WWE dreams go. Absolutely NONE of them are Kayfabe compliant. That’s the problem with not watching the shows regularly. I don’t dream about the TV side of it often. The Zowens dream is close though. It’s sort of a hybrid. The rest? Well, all of them are some level of NKC, but some are not only non-kayfabe, they are straight up AU. BTW2: In every single one of these stories involving me I am some manner of queer. I’m pretty sure in all but maybe one or two. I’m either wlw, ace, or both. NOT ONE of the first person dreams contains romance between me and another character. The best you get is a single platonic fake-relationship story. (That one did have a smut scene in it but it isn’t romantic.)

Anyway, list behind the cut!

ADVENTURES IN DREAMLAND Master Post

SAGA A Family Beyond Blood

Part 1 Darkness Fallen (August 2019) I find myself trapped in a world where I died as a child. Now as a spirit I must find a way to restore the universe to it’s proper order. (Somehow my young death caused the entire universe to splinter) *McMahon Family and MCU Dream* Part 2 Death and Life on Planet Earth (August 2019)

Having saved the universe but not ourselves, I vow to do whatever it takes to return Shane to his rightful place with his family. *McMahon Family and MCU Dream*

Part 3 A World Restored to Fall (August 2019)

The universe has been reset again, and I have been returned to my proper timeline. Or have I? There’re odd happenings in a local bookshop and it’s up to me to figure out how to stop them *Original Dream Featuring IRL People*

Part 4 World War Winter (August 2019)

Nuclear Holocaust has occurred. The world is at war with the machines. As a soldier in the CAMP forces, I must leave everything I know behind and face down the android army. But, maybe there’s a familiar face or two in CAMP after all... *McMahon Family Dream* *VIOLENT*

Part 5 Of Queens and Kingdoms (August 2019)

The world is reset. AGAIN. This time, it’s me, Shane and Marissa in a new land where the middle ages and modern times are happening simultaneously and women are the dominant gender. And, somehow, I’m the bloody queen. *McMahon Family and WWE Universe Dream*

Part 6 Titans Reign (August 2019)

Having ascended to the throne and filling the royal court with WWE superstars, I must now find a way to rule over a land I barely know. Meanwhile, a sinister plot is brewing to put the patriarchy back in power. *McMahon Family and WWE Universe Dream*

SAGA That’s What Friends Are For

Part 1 Death of a Fangirl (and Birth of a Friend) (October 2019) [Only Published Story on List]

I find myself being given the chance to meet Shane. Unfortunately, my mental illness turns the dream into a nightmare and my life unravels. But don’t worry. Shane will save the day. He always does. *Shane O Mac Dream*

Part 2 With A Song In Her Heart (October 2019)

Shane has been ignoring my texts, so I hunt him down. My search finds me at a pride festival where a spontaneous song catches his attention a little too well. *Shane O Mac Dream*

Part 3 One Last Birthday to Celebrate (November 2019)

It’s Christmastime in Squirrel Hill. For some dumb reason, Shane McMahon has decided to visit me the day before his birthday. Naturally I surprise him with a present. The other surprise (getting caught in a domestic dispute) is far less pleasant. *Shane O Mac Dream* *VIOLENT*

Part 4 The Pink Rose (Not a Dream)

I survived the shooting. Waking up in a hospital, I find my mother and a room full of flowers from the WWE Superstars. But one flower, a lone pink rose, is unlabeled. Wanna take a wild guess who sent that one? *WWE Universe Story NOT Based on A Dream*

Part 5 Dreams and Demons (December 2019)

So, it seems that watching your friend nearly die in a hail of bullets isn’t the best for your mental health. At WrestleMania 37, Shane is presented with a choice. Me, or TV. Of course he chooses me, this is my dream, what other choice would there be? *WWE Universe Dream*

[Are you starting to see why I never publish any of these. They are painfully bad self inserts and woefully self-indulgent. But they are also therapy, hence the writing]

SERIES Trippy Shorts

Story 1 A Little Fall of Acid Rain (August 2019)

The world is ending – but only in NYC. I’m there. So are the McMahons. Destruction and danger abound. *McMahon Family Dream*

Story 2 I Know Who I Am (September 2019)

All of my favorites from TV, movies, music, and wrestling are turning up murdered. Each time, a cryptic message is left behind, written in blood. Can I figure out the connection before everyone I like is killed? *General Pop Culture Dream* *EXTREMELY VIOLENT AND DISTURBING*

Story 3 Fixed Points and Fixed Pairings [An Unfinished Symphony] (September 2019)

One night, outside the bar, I am approached by an older version of myself. She brings a time machine and a mission – go back to the attitude era and change time so Shane remains the heir apparent. But some people are just meant to be together, and others just refuse to listen – even to an angel from the future. *WWE Universe Dream*

Story 4 A Song of Summer [A Snapshot] (October 2019)

As an Agent of SHIELD, it doesn’t take a genius to see that Black Widow and Hawkeye are in love. So, through the power of music, I decide to try and hook them up. *MCU Dream*

Story 5 Journeys Beginning [A Snapshot] (December 2019)

One day at school, I find myself amid an alien incursion. But don’t worry, the Doctor is on the case. Also, Shane is involved because of course he is. *Shane O Mac and Doctor Who Dream*

Story 6 Arson, Murder, and Revolution (January 2020)

At a Hollywood LGBTQ party, I find myself caught in a plot by the Trump administration to commit mass murder. When it goes awry, revolution stirs and it’s up to me and several other progressive celebrities to light the fuse *General Pop Culture Dream* *VIOLENT*

[See, they aren’t all about Shane. Just... most of them]

STAND ALONE STORIES

Once Upon a Dream (August 2019)

I black out drunk in an alley one night and awake to find myself in a dream. It’s 1990 and I’m somehow a middle-aged black woman. Also sharing the dream is a young and angry Shane McMahon. Together we use the circumstances of the dream to fuck shit up for the NYPD. *Shane O Mac Dream* *VIOLENT*

The Many Deaths of a Tabhead (August 2019)

Five years after getting hooked on a new drug called Tabs, I find myself in an endless loop of getting murdered. The only way out is to survive. Too bad I have no memory, and everyone wants me dead *Original Story Featuring IRL People* *VIOLENT AND DISTURBING*

Champion of the Faerie Queen (December 2019)

Did you know that Marissa McMahon is the Faerie Queen and Shane is her consort? Neither did I. And, it seems, when war comes a calling, it’s up to me to save the McMahons and the country. But I’ve got superpowers now, so that helps. *McMahon Family, MCU, and DC Universe Dream*

To Earthquakes, Lovers, and Newfound Friends (May 2020)

In lovely SoCal, I’m watching a movie when an earthquake strikes. I soon find myself both blind and badly burned. The only hope I have to survive is a certain pair of lovers who just happen to be in the area for some R&R. *Zowens Dream*

Penny and Kicks vs The World (June 2020)

As a longtime WWE employee, I’ve been best friends with Shane for years. But in the fallout of Coronavirus, the public is looking for a scapegoat. Vince is more than happy to offer up my father. Now, the entire wrestling world is in turmoil and Shane and I are just trying to weather the storm. *WWE Universe Dream* *VIOLENT*

Virginia Gothic (October 2019)

In a world where my highschool sweetheart and I never broke up, we must forge a path on our own through hardship and rejection. But what is the meaning of the mysterious Jesus statue? And why is Bacchus being so damn shifty? *Original Dream Featuring IRL People*

Uzil (January 2020)

An mystical being from the horsehead nebula takes up residence in a little boy’s guinea pig. The miracles come quickly and soon they are inseparable. *Original Third Person Dream* (I wasn’t in this one)

The E-Manual (February 2020)

The end of days is drawing near. I have been chosen as a prophet of the end times by the Almighty himself. I must go out into the world armed with only scripture and a mystical magazine, trying to convert as many people as possible before time runs out. *A Mostly Original Dream* (Shane’s in the last two pages)

Seraphina and the Seven Wishes (April 2020)

The world is a video game and the McMahon’s are the Addams family. It only gets weirder from there. *McMahon Family Dream*

A Matter of Science (And Opinion) (May 2020)

I accidentally set fire to my apartment during a spell. I’m promptly arrested and call The Doctor as my defense. Sadly, the call is rerouted to Stormcage and SpongeBob SquarePants ends up on the case instead. This one is every bit as absurd as it sounds. *Doctor Who and SpongeBob SquarePants Dream*

A Revolution In This Century (Enter Me) (November 2019) The year is 2027. Climate Change has decimated the globe and revolution has reduced the Ruling Elite to food reserves. However, absolute power corrupts absolutely, and soon the new ruling poor become as ruthless as the 1% had been. In this horrible dystopia, I am a powerful government official who has taken on the McMahons as consorts for the sole purpose of saving their skins. *McMahon Family Dream* *VIOLENT, DISTURBING, AND A BIT SMUTTY*

Crystal Vision – A Dozen Birthdays (December 2019)

After showing kindness to an enchantress, I am given my hearts greatest desire – a place in Shane’s life. I am sent back in time to 2005 as a WWE Makeup tech and given 12 years in the life of my childhood heroes. But a lot happened in the WWE from 2005 to 2017 and not all of it good. How much can and do I dare change? *WWE Universe Dream* *Painfully NKC. Disturbing subject matter involved because 2007 is a thing.*

Dr. Slime and the Wondernerds (August 2019)

Three high school nerds find themselves in possession of a mysterious green substance. When it explodes during an experiment, they find they have been given superpowers. However, this is the real world and super-powered “freaks” get picked apart, not celebrated. Can the teens resist using their powers? *Original Third Person Dream* (I’m not in this one)

Planeswalking Like A Grecian (October 2019)

After death, Xena finds herself on the Astral Plane. Promptly running into Joxer, they must find a way to survive the dangers of the afterlife. But don’t worry. Gabrielle has a plan. *Xenaverse Dream* (I’m not in this one)

The Foresight Curse (June 2020)

The problem with knowing the future is that you usually don’t have the ability to change it. So when Radar O’Reilly realizes Henry’s fate the day before it happens, he has to spend the next day trying to drown out the feelings of dread and sorrow, if only for the Colonel’s sake. Funny thing though, sometimes fate takes a left turn and you get a second chance to say goodbye. *M*A*S*H Universe Dream* (I’m not in this one) Vampires, Wraiths, and Shades, Oh My! (December 2019)

In the middle ages, I am orphaned at a very young age by vampires and taken in by Vampire Hunters (AU Shane and Stephanie). Now a teenager, I fight alongside them to protect the world from the dangers of the night. *McMahon Family Vampire AU Dream*

WHEW! I’m pretty sure that’s all of them! I have so dang many dreams it’s hard to keep track of them all! Anyway, out of all of these, only a handful are finished, ONE is published (Death of a Fangirl) and a ton of them aren’t far past the sketch stage. So, this is my list. Every story on here I at least have sketched out. I doubt I will ever even bother writing many of these, but the intent is present.

#Shanie's Dream Fic Masterpost

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hereitalkonandon · 5 years

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And what about it.

I saw your "And what about it” post, you are so talented. I was being serious but then I remembered the quote "Oh clown you are so talented, please release us", I don't even watch that show, not because I think it's bad or anything, I have never tried it and I actually want to try it eventually, in a few years.

So I thought it could look like I was joking and I wasn't, but this also makes me think of the first two letters or so that I wrote to you. I would picture you thinking "Oh clown you are so talented, please release me" and I would laugh, I still think that but not as often.

I think I mostly listen to popular music too, but I thought I could end up just recommending you songs that you already knew of or that you would find sooner or later.

Back when I was so into Jaime and Cersei (and I would still be so into them if it weren't because I'm numb towards them, I don't want to maybe accept that he will murder her and all of that but I sort of feel like he will and gave up already, and you know all of this of course) A Strange Education made me think of them but it was mostly some imaginary version of what would happen after the fifth book or the very end if it were up to me.

Yeah I've seen your Spotify because of the ask, I don't have one, I just have an account to spy on my ex-girlfriend once in a while and see if she adds anything. I only found out about it because she made a playlist and posted it on Facebook when we broke up. So I saw you had Every night by Imagine Dragons, that one would make me think of the third book ever since I found it.

I found A Strange Education, most of the songs that I sent you, back in 2009, so, it used to make me think of my relationship probably. I tend to recycle songs and as long as they are vague enough they just make me think of the ship I currently like the most. Jaime and Cersei were at one point my favorite thing ever.

It's sad that actually I've never been entirely happy about any ship and the one time I was, I'm almost sure of how it will end. Oh, well, I've just noticed how I started talking about this again, guess it shows how it was a part of me. Since I haven't read a lot of books A Feast for Crows is still my favorite book, that will change if he murders her so I can't say which one will be my favorite, but it won't be one by George Martin if he does that.

I told you I was your age once or twice, but I turned 28 this November, I didn't want to be so specific and I knew I wasn't that much older either, so I always figured "I'm your age" wasn't technically a lie, but though I'm not hitting on you, since I'm talking about age gaps, I would never hit on anyone even two years younger if I were into hitting on people, so that's also why I didn't care about not saying my age at first, it doesn't actually make a difference.

Maybe that's exaggerating, but I would feel like a pig. That said I wouldn't judge a man for thinking differently. I actually always wished my ex-girlfriend could be a year or two older than me. Not that much older, so I didn't feel like she was going to die sooner but, just to go against this belief that a man should strive to be with someone younger.

I'm not disgusted when a 60 years old wants to marry a 20 year old, as long as he believes is true love. But I'm disgusted by men that keep jumping from one young girl to another, I know it's legal, but it makes me uncomfortable. For that reason I always find it a good thing when men are with older women and I enjoy that now it happens often.

I hope you don't feel like I lied to you but I also understand if you felt like I was a child and wanted to help me and now see that I'm stupid and you are done. In 2009, I was having all this drama with my ex-girlfriend already and you were an actual child, I often think of that.

We met in May or June of 2005 when she was 13 and I was 14, it took me about a month or three to fall in love with her, right after we met, now I don't know how much she ever got to love me but she's the one that told me she loved me first, some days after she turned 14 and I was 15.

We had a misunderstanding, I thought she was joking, I was pretty mean about it, I already loved her, of course, but I didn't say anything, I kept being rude for a week or two, I was frustrated. So, we avoided talking about it for over three years and we were best friends until she told me she loved me once again, by then I had spent all that time always jealous and angry, and sorry I didn't know how to handle it the first time so I told her everything and she knew I was telling the truth because it added up, I would get angry out of nowhere when she was telling me about men.

I would throw tantrums but never say what it was about, it was really obvious. She left when I was 24, but the thing is I've felt like this ever since I was 14, half my age, that's why I know your situation and mine are different and why I can actually feel hope that you will be alright.

My age was just because of this whole anonymity thing. Now I don't mind telling you everything because I figured that even if you somehow figured out who I am, not that you think about it or that there was anything remarkable about it and you have many memories of other things, you could just not acknowledge it if you don't want to, and that's actually what it is all about.

And yes, I was thinking about my pride but I always do, in all sort of situations, what bothered me the most was putting you in some situation that could make you uncomfortable, I know you don't tend to enjoy when men talk to you online if you don't find them attractive because you've mentioned it often on your blog.

The point is that I can say whatever I want, really, you'll never magically be in that situation if I don't directly say who I am, the only reason I don't say my name, not that you need it, and even if I'm sure it wouldn't change anything.

But it's also the fact that I feel like eventually you won't have anything else to say to me and it will be less awkward for you this way when you suddenly stop or say goodbye to me, not that I'm implying that it would be awkward for you. It's just that, you didn't ask for this, I'm the one that kept cheeking on you even if I wasn't doing anything wrong, but the thing is, since it was all my doing, I feel responsible for avoiding that kind of situation for you.

And now just completely ignore all these parts about anonymity, I was just explaining why at first I was acting stupid and hiding things and now I don't care about it, and you don't even have to mention that you don't know who I am, I know you don't. I'm just saying I don't actually care.

I also feel that maybe you would enjoy having me not be an actual person and that the only reason you would feel like giving me a face and a name would be out of politeness, and if so, it doesn't bother me at all and I don't see why not keep it this way then, I just enjoy that we talk.

I understand what you mean, because I've been well aware that you have a sister for the longest time and she isn't real to me, your parents are, but somehow your sister isn't. But that's not just when it comes to you, whenever I haven't met someone's siblings, I can't see them as real people. I'm sure it's because I don't have any siblings, so it's so foreign to me. It's not the same, but I get what it's like to struggle to think of someone as real.

The craziest thing about siblings, is that I'm always so shocked that people have a whole life that has nothing to do with their siblings, because even when I think about my mom, how she has a whole life that I am not a part of, it seems so unreal.

I don't just cry reading your letters though, I cry when I'm writing to you too of course, but I sometimes find myself crying for no reason and I think it's because you are like art to me. Art sometimes makes me feel like crying, not always, but when it's really good. But another reason that you make me cry is that I have been feeling so many things that I kept pushing away these fours years or maybe I didn't even need to push them away, I don't think so. I couldn't even begin to understand, but I know a psychologist wasn't going to work on me.

Because I didn't even want to fix this, I'm still not sure I want to, I think I don't want to. I don't believe in them anyway. I know they work, but not for me, and of course that a lot of people would argue, but telling someone a lot about me for years even, someone that I can't relate to, no matter how much they have studied, no, I know myself too well, I'm sure it wouldn't work.

It’s the fact that I can relate to you somehow, that helped me, there are so many people so it's not crazy to think that some of them could do the same thing, but I've known hundreds anyway, as antisocial as I've been, and I have seen so many people talk on the internet. There's a reason I ended up checking on you and that I didn't do that with anyone else, it's the sort of thing that makes me truly feel how little I can relate to people. However briefly we will probably get to talk to each other.

So it's still something so meaningful. i just specify this to not look like an idiot and a liar saying that only you could help me, I don't know that, it would be crazy and I don't even want to help myself, it's just happening.

I saw your post once, "men that need a therapist" "me", they were sharks and she was touching them. And these days I've been feeling so stupid because that's exactly what I've been acting like, and in all honestly if I had been able to, back then I would have chosen to do the opposite and just pay attention to what you told me, and I do, and I try to focus on that, but when I answer you I end up talking about me anyway. Maybe it makes sense because I can't really use anyone else's experiences as an example. And because I like writing to you but can't think of any other topic but me as much as it annoys me that I always end up doing that.

What you said about my instincts, fighting them, I did for most of the days that we have been writing to each other, I was so uncomfortable feeling everything I was feeling, for years I haven't felt anything but romantic love, I think I'm feeling love towards my family once again, I never stopped feeling it towards animals, but I couldn't feel anything for people other than worry and pity, I was so damaged by my break up.

And I know I'm barely a person to you. But I was constantly thinking about what I was doing, that it was wrong, that I was well aware that I could only interact with the people that for better or for worse already knew me before my break up, and with my ex-girlfriend.

That I would hurt anyone else because I always put her first. And I knew it was so stupid, I spend a lot of time writing to you usually, and I'm thankful for the time you spend on me but I knew it wasn't the same, that there's no way I could hurt you. But I would still feel so bad, for pretending to be a person, everything I say is true and everything I feel, but I knew I wasn't a normal person anymore, normal people feel other things towards other people, their feelings towards mankind aren't reduced to romantic love towards one person and worry and pity towards the rest of people, the ones deserving those things, also, not just for anyone. But I love talking to you, so I wasn't going to stop as long as you kept doing it, and I've slowly started gaining as many as four feelings towards other people, the ones I used to love before she left.

And as I've said, I don't even know if it's what I want. I knew it wasn't a good thing, to barely feel anything towards them, but I knew it wasn't my fault so I have never felt bad about this. I just rarely think of it. I think a part of me, most of me, wants to stay shattered, so I never have to truly care about anyone other than her, I've been living being angered and hurt by her for half my life now, that it seems like something I have to live with forever.

But it's appealing to stay like that, to not have to feel other things that could hurt me on top of that. Nothing would hurt me as much as she does but when something bad happens to an animal I feel like dying, and why would I want to feel like dying when something bad happens to some people too.

But I just tell you this to better explain the kind of things I often end up rambling about, that I can't understand many things, that I've been feeling so many things. That I've always truly enjoyed isolation, that it has nothing to do with merely talking to anyone at all but with relating to someone for once, and it could suddenly stop, realize I don't relate to you any longer, though it wouldn't make much sense, but these days I have felt like that.

So I'd think ''why are you answering her, tell her, apologize" but I would sort of know I'm not doing anything wrong despite how uncomfortable it made me feel so I would say "And what about it" and each time it felt less uncomfortable. Not to share things, that never made me feel odd. But to get to know someone, to keep it going. It's not about not wanting to feel because I want to avoid being hurt, that's what people often do, I was saying it's a perk when you don't feel many things.

But I know that what caused this and what keeps causing it, is actually, that the feelings about losing my ex-girlfriend are so big that everything else became meaningless to the point of even being unable to feel anything for others but pity and worry. And even if you leave, now I know that if I ever want it back, it's still inside me, it's been coming back anyway, I don't push it away but I don't encourage it either. In a way I always knew, even if I never allowed myself to think about it. But now I'm sure, and even if I spend the rest of my life like this because I am a moron. I like knowing it’s my choice, that I am choosing to be trash, but that my feelings aren't forcing me to. That I am the one choosing to stay like this.

And this is why people pay a therapist but I have been getting better accidentally and as I've said that wouldn't work but I never actually wanted to fix that, and it's stupid to tell you all of this, because with what I've been saying, I know you can't relate to that. But it has to do with you so I don't feel as bad making you read everything. I know it's not like I can be as useful to you, but before this all I honestly would think was that it would be nice to be there and just let you talk about your things and problems.

But I'm writing a letter so it's different, but also great because it probably makes it easier for me to just say whatever I feel and not hide it. I'm only saying that it has never been my intention to use you to whine, it's just sort of my main conversation but also that if you did the same I wouldn't mind and I enjoy whatever you say, just because I finally relate to someone.

What you say about becoming barren, ordinary, isn't it because you put up with some things that you shouldn't? Things that you would normally criticize on your blog. I'm not sure if you put up with things that you wouldn't if you were entirely free to do whatever you wanted without any consequences. And if so, I don't see why? I understand that you can't behave in certain ways around men because they are trash and you want to stay alive.

But I don't see why you should put up with things that aren't about life or death. So if I were you I would never keep anything to myself about disliking something, about not agreeing with something. Maybe you are already like that most of the time, but if you stop being that way two times out of nine, I don't see why not try to do it just one time out of ten.

So let's say a man that you are attracted to says something stupid, just don't keep it to yourself so he doesn't run away or so you don't lose points or something, say it, it doesn't matter if you are just meeting him and you are saving that for later, say it that same day, if they leave they are not worth it. I once saw a post that made me think of this. When men try to compliment you by saying you are more masculine, but implying that feminine is bad so you are good. And you said something like wishing you didn't have to put up with, it made me think that you could do that sometimes.

I don't know what you actually do or don't but what I think you should do is to always be yourself but fully, it doesn't matter if you come across as rude, and to always say what you want and what you dislike. All of this as long as you are not putting your life at risk.

And my point is that, while maybe most people would get away from you because you are a woman, the ones that approached you wouldn't be that ordinary. I say because you are a woman, because if you take Cersei Lannister, and I've already seen this on your blog too, it's something obvious, most people hate her, but if she were a man a lot of people would love her.

But I'm just thinking of the worst case scenario, you are not murdering anyone so people have no reason to dislike you. I'm just saying all of this because I've seen that women that are the way that you express yourself on your blog when you are having an attitude, are disliked by most men and by some women. I'm just guessing, but as I said, if you are somehow trying to tone down who you are you shouldn't and everyone that doesn't like it should go to hell, you are a proud person and even if you are insecure in some ways, you can't be that proud without also really loving yourself. It doesn't matter if only four people like who you are in the end. And that's ridiculous, it wouldn't be just four people.

Or maybe you meant that it was because of your depression, that you never put up with anything but that you just don't have the motivation to do a lot of things. And then it still wouldn't be your fault. It's not who you are always going to be, but if that's how you feel now, it's who you are right now, and you are still an interesting person and a deep person, and you shouldn't be trying to show people that in order for them to see it.

I'm not saying that you do it, more that maybe you mean you should and it's your fault because you don't try. I think the problem is that you are a special person so obviously most people aren't and they don't notice it. But I understand that you mean that the people that you find special, you don't feel like they notice you, to that I would say such is life. I felt like that when it came to you, I still do. And it's just as I said, I love talking to you, but it's "and what about it" if you don't and if they don't when it comes to you. Someone will eventually, no matter how long it takes and at least you are able to fully feel love towards your friends and your family while that happens.

I don't mean that you shouldn't complain about this, you should complain whenever you don't like something. What I mean is that you don't need anyone that doesn't need you. You don't need to be approached by anyone that doesn't want to approach you and if they don't notice you it's their loss and I know you know that. I do too, about me. People this proud are messed up. The difference is I don't really mind being alone and I know you do, but they are still not worth worrying about.

And it's not that you deserve to have that boyfriend, though he is probably an okay guy, is that you happen to enjoy his company, that there isn't anyone else you want to be with anyway, that you enjoy dating. So why shouldn't you. You just enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

Or maybe you would want to date the other guy if you could? I don't see what's stopping you and you already know he is interested. The only thing that worried me when I read about him on your blog, is that a lot of men often pretend to understand someone just to mostly have their company until they get tired but also to have sex a couple of times, to pretend they want something serious and they only want fun, even if their idea of fun is a year or two.

I don't know if that's what's stopping you, if so, then maybe you are right, I know most men are trash. So you shouldn't blame yourself for knowing something that it's so obvious even if you are wrong about him, you can't know that. But if that isn't what you worry about, then I don't see what's stopping you.

When you break up with your boyfriend, because obviously you are not going to stay with him forever if you don't feel like it regardless of how much you feel like maybe you wouldn't mind settling forever, he will suffer anyway. So, I don't see the difference in leaving him now or leaving him years later, if anything the sooner the better for him, that way he wouldn't suffer as much. And you could be unhappy if it ends to soon with the other guy, like you made a mistake, but if you do decide to leave your boyfriend, it's because you can afford that, like what happened with Victor.

I feel like some people would say what I'm telling you is wrong, your boyfriend likely too, but I truly don't see how it is a good thing for him even, a woman with less depth than you would obviously think the world of him. And it's probably all the same for him as long as he is loved back, but you know the difference, you know it would actually be better if the one who was with him thought he was the best man to ever live.

Of course I told you all of that assuming that maybe that's the problem lately, but perhaps you don't care that much for the other guy, I just try to guess.

I also told you before that you wouldn't be able to stop yourself, if you were really meant to be with the other guy, so maybe you won't, maybe you are about to go for him, if it's just your boyfriend stopping you. The thing that made me hesitant about him, too, is that I felt like maybe he was somehow flirting with you, just him not you, suggesting you should date him. Things like that. And I felt that if he had good intentions he would feel bad about doing that. But I know nothing about him other than that and maybe he just subtly implied he likes you, I guess most men would do that and then I don't know what to make of it.

Of course that your ex-boyfriend leaving you changed so many things about you, but maybe it's also because you've been growing up, and the longer you live in this world, and at your age, you were obviously going to become a bit disenchanted as you turned into an adult. It doesn't mean the world is an ugly place, but most people change a lot and lose a lot of fantasies as they get older, when they know more about pain and injustice and all those things.

While I'm sure that it traumatized you, maybe it would be giving him too much credit to say he changed most things about you. This last year I've changed, probably for the best, but the thing is I don't think that had anything to do with her or with anyone, as obsessed as I am with her.

So to me it wouldn't be crazy that some of the things were taken away by the world and not by him, and that would be a good thing. That he didn't have that much power, I understand though that even if that were the case what happened with him damaged you.

But what you said about me eventually looking for love, I'm just dumb and I don't find it romantic if I have to look for it. I know you do, that it doesn't matter how you find it. But being an idiot, it would feel that maybe I forced it to happen because I wanted to find it. Maybe I would wonder if I'm still meant to eventually meet someone else out of nowhere, as it was "supposed " to happen or to get back with my ex-girlfriend.

And the good thing about my views on looking for love, is that if my ex-girlfriend ever comes back, it's extremely likely that I'll be single and I won't have to make a mess to leave the other person.

But if I do meet someone, if I get over her as unlikely as it sounds, it would mean I really was meant to. I can't imagine a stronger sign. Avoiding it, not looking for it, not even wanting to move on, and doing it anyway. That way I would be sure of it, never wonder if it was wishful thinking or if that wasn't really the love of my life and I should still wait for it.

I didn't notice anything odd with the spacing, but even if I did it wouldn't make your letters harder to read, the words are there just the same, so you shouldn't pay it any mind if you ever do, maybe just to practice your writing but not because of me.

I know what you mean about being too sleepy though even if I haven't slept properly in about two weeks now, not a single night, I remember this one time that I was falling asleep as I was editing a letter for you, almost ready to publish it, but I could barely open my eyes, it's a good memory, I don't remember ever doing that, because I've barely sent letters through my life even if I love it, so I never happened to be that tired while writing.

As a matter of fact the same thing ended up happening today after I was editing this though I didn’t know it would yet when I wrote the last part, so if it looks too stupid it’s because I’ve been falling asleep for over two hours.

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honestly-fuck-this · 7 years

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Pride.

I had been working on this for a while and then life happened and I wasn’t able to post it on June for Pride Month like I wanted to but I decided to post it now anyway because every month is a good month to be proud. This is a bit lengthy with over 3200 words but I hope you guys like it. (This fic is mainly Justlex with a good portion of Meff and a bit of Clannah and Brony.)

To say that Justin and Alex were excited to attend PRIDE would be a major understatement. Not only was it always a fun time for both of them, but it was also their first time going together as a couple. They did not really have anything planned out for the big they except that they would be joined by a couple of friends. Both Alex and Justin had been through their fair share of hardship in the last couple of weeks. Justin had finally gone to the police after a particularly bad fight with Seth; when he was arrested Justin’s mother refused to even share a living space with her son, leaving Justin practically homeless. Alex’s home situation had not been pleasant either since his parents decided a divorce was necessary after the constant never-ending fights. It all started after Alex came out to them and announced that he has a boyfriend; Alex had not been expecting to be supported in his home based on his upbringing, so he was pleasantly surprised when his father stood by him and defended him to his mother who claimed Alex would outgrow that rebellious phase. His brother had also shown his support and reassured Alex that he would always support his little brother and would love him no matter what; however that did not mean that his boyfriend would get away without the If-You-Hurt-My-Little-Brother-I-Will-Hurt-You-Way-Worse talk. Though it was tough and painful to have his mother walk away from their family Alex is grateful that the people who stuck around love him unconditionally.

Alex woke up to the sound of his father calling his name from downstairs and wondered for a minute how early it was if his father was still home. He slowly made his way down the flight of stairs and grunted when he did not see his father, “what is it?” he asked groggily.

“Justin’s here.” Deputy Standall called from the kitchen.

This seemed to brighten up the boy’s foul mood after being woken up and picked up the pace to get to the kitchen quickly.

“Good morning,” Justin smirked as he saw his boyfriend walk in while rubbing his eyes sleepily.

“Morning,” Alex replied and stood next to his father, who was currently scrambling some eggs. “you don’t have to go to work today?” Alex asked slightly concerned.

“Not today,” his father replied and walked to the fridge to retrieve the orange juice, “I have to meet up with the lawyer in about an hour.”

“Ah,” Alex replied as he averted his eyes from his father. He knew that his father was not upset at him and that he did not blame his son for his mother’s decision yet Alex could not help but feel guilty that he ruined his parents marriage despite his father’s reassurance that he wasn’t the one to break up the family.

“I’ll just leave you boys breakfast and I’ll be on my way.” Mr. Standall said as he checked the bacon currently frying on a pan and the last couple of pancakes. “Is there anything else that you boys want?” he asked aiming the question at Justin, knowing his son’s answer.

“No, sir. Thank you.” Justin replied politely.

Alex watched as Justin and his father talked about Justin’s classes and his plans for the future like going to college and playing college basketball. Alex gave his input once in awhile but was otherwise happy to just sit back and watch the interaction before him. Alex knew that his father was a tough-love kind of guy but he could tell that he absolutely adored Justin. He appreciated manliness, politeness, and all things that came easy to Justin. Mr. Standall loves sports and since his eldest son went away to college he has not really had anyone to talk to about who’s currently on top of which league so justin’s presence in the house was a relief for both Standall men.

“Alright, I’m heading out now. Enjoy your breakfast and have fun at the parade,” Mr. Standall said as he gathered his things. “Take care of him,” he said looking at Justin as he ruffled Alex’s hair.

“Of course, sir.” Justin replied and shook his hand.

“Good luck,” Alex called out as his father walked out the front door. Alex moved to pull out a couple of plates and proceeded to put a couple of pancakes and a few strips of bacon on each plate. He was in the process of spooning eggs onto the plates when a pair of arms wrapped around his waist tightly. Alex finished setting up both plates and turned around in Justin’s arms, “would you like some coffee or orange juice?”

“I’d like my morning kiss first if that’s alright with you,” Justin said trying to lean in for a kiss.

Alex placed a hand on his chest effectively stopping him and shoving him away slightly, “I haven’t brushed my teeth.”

“I don’t care.” Justin whispered and leaned in again, this time he wasn’t stopped so he cupped Alex’s face in his hands and slowly brought his lips to the other boy’s. He nibbled on Alex’s bottom lip and deepened the kiss more. If anyone were to ask Justin what his favorite thing about dating Alex is he would say it is the kisses, no doubt about it. They kissed slowly and gently for a moment longer before Justin pulled away slightly, “maybe I should’ve let you brush your teeth first,” he joked and could not help the laugh that came when Alex shoved his face away.

“I hate you,” Alex whined before turning back to the food and giving Justin a plate, “Asshole.”

Both boys finished eating with only minor teasing and just a few exchanged kisses before going up to Alex’s bedroom to pick out clothes for the parade. They rummaged through countless t-shirts and jeans before deciding on a pair of light blue wash skinny jeans, rolled at the ankle, and a pair of white vans as well as a white t-shirt with the pansexual flag colors bleeding from the collar and shoulders for Alex. Justin was already wearing a pair of black ripped jeans, dark brown combat boots, and a similar white shirt to Alex’s with the bisexual flag colors bleeding from the collar and shoulders.

Justin turned to look at Alex as he finished fixing up his hair with a mischievous grin on his face. “Damn, you look good,” he wolf-whistled, “I definitely approve of that outfit.”

Alex blushed and kissed Justin’s cheek sweetly, “thank you.” He looked Justin up and down appreciatively before giving him a thumbs up and wink, “you don’t look so bad yourself.”

Justin reached for Alex’s hand and kissed the boy’s knuckles, “as much as I’d love to just stay here all day with you, I did promise Monty we’d be at his house at exactly 9:00 o’clock and it’s past 8:30 already. We should really get going. Plus, if we are even a little bit late to pick up Clay I’m sure he will have a panic attack.”

“Okay, fine.” Alex pouted before retrieving his hand from Justin’s grip and collecting his phone, keys, and wallet. “But I’m only doing this so early in the morning to save Clay the psychological and emotional distress.”

Alex drove to pick up Jessica, Jeff, Clay, and Hannah while Justin sat next to him and looked at the back seat, “they are all so not gonna fit back there, babe.”

“Well, at least they’re getting a ride.” Alex said mindlessly as he looked at the road.

“You look so hot when you’re focusing.” Justin whispered seductively as he reached over to massage his fingers through Alex’s hair.

Alex smiled and looked at Justin.

“Eyes on the road, Standall.” Justin chastised his boyfriend before he could say anything.

Alex rolled his eyes and looked straight ahead again before deciding that turning on the radio was better than listening to Justin whistle You Are My Sunshine for the third time in a row, something to which Justin took offense and pretended not to pay attention to Alex the rest of the way until they reached Jeff’s house.

They eventually picked everyone up and although they were all crammed in the backseat they were all having the time of their lives with the anticipation of finally going to the parade.

When they reached Monty’s house, everyone rushed out of the car and found Tyler and Ryan already inside the house. Jeff immediately walked over to Monty and greeted him with a hug while everybody else pretended not to notice them. They had been walking around their feelings for a long time but simply refused to acknowledge them. They were always together and hooked up occasionally but claimed they were just friends even though everyone knew they were practically married.

“Tony called and said he and Brad would be a little bit late.” Jeff informed everyone that had just arrived. He immediately saw Clay’s eyes widen and rushed to reassure him that everything was okay.

“He said he would be here early,” Clay pouted.

Hannah leaned against Clay and quickly explained that it was okay and they had plenty of time before the parade stated at 11:30 and was able to calm Clay down.

Ryan made his way to the kitchen and helped Tyler paint a rainbow on each of Monty’s cheeks, only pretending to be annoyed every time Monty fidgeted while sneakily glancing at Jeff as he Clay and Hannah laughed on one of the couches in the living room.

Justin sat on the other couch and pulled Alex next to him. Jessica eventually made her way over and sat on the table in front of their couch pulling out a small black bag from her purse. “I bought these temporary tattoos the other day and they have every single pride flag,” she explained as she pulled each tattoo sheet one by one, “please let me put some on you two.” She said and looked so excited that the boys instantly agreed.

Jessica put temporary tattoos on everyone that would allow her to and seeing her bubble up with joy eased everyone's minds and improved the atmosphere with happy vibes. Jessica began dancing and jumping around to some imaginary tune that she began to hum. Justin didn’t know what he was humming along to but it didn’t stop him from taking Jessica’s hands and dancing badly with her. Alex looked on smiling as his boyfriend and best friend made absolute fools of one another.

Tony and Brad were never able to make it to Monty’s house before the parade because of the tremendous amount of traffic created from closing down roads for the parade so they decided to simply meet up there. The couple sat together under a tree while they waited for Tony’s friends to arrive. Brad anxiously played with Tony’s fingers and Tony could instantly tell that something was bothering the other boy and decided to ask, “You doin’ okay there?”

Brad looked at Tony and exhaled deeply, “yeah, it’s just your friends.” Brad said worriedly as he gauged Tony’s expression to make sure his statement hadn’t offended him. “It’s just that they’re friends with your ex and they really like him, which is fine but I can’t help but feel like they don’t like me.”

“Brad,” Tony started and moved to sit in front of his boyfriend. “They do like you; they’re probably just a little intimidated because you’re older and they think you’re too cool.”

“Cool?” Brad asked dumbfounded, “I’m the farthest thing from cool.”

“I know that but they don’t,” Tony smiled teasingly.

Brad pushed Tony away slightly while faking an offended look on his face, “you’re an asshole.”

“Yeah but I’m your asshole, mi vida.” Tony winked at the older boy.

Brad grabbed Tony’s shirt collar and pulled him into a deep kiss.

“Save some love for the rest of us,” Clay whistled as the coupled pulled apart; Tony looked slightly annoyed at being interrupted which prompted Clay to laugh loudly.

Tony rolled his eyes and stood up, “always such a cockblock, Clay.” He offered a hand to Brad and helped him up. They then greeted everyone and Tony was relieved to see that Monty, Jeff, Alex, Clay, Hannah, and Brad were getting along spectacularly.

Everyone at PRIDE were having the time of their lives. There were people dancing everywhere, strangers making out with other strangers, people creating new friendships, the rest of the group marched on enthusiastically, and Tyler was taking photos of everyone and everything. It wasn’t until Tyler stayed behind looking at some of the photos he had taken that Monty decided to ask if he had taken any of Jeff and him; Tyler grinned knowingly and started going through every single photo he had taken of the boys separately.

“This one is my favorite,” Tyler said as he pulled up a photo and showed it to Monty. There was colored confetti everywhere on the photo and right at the center stood Monty with Jeff wrapped around him while pressing a kiss to his cheek.

Monty looked at the photo smiling before looking up and immediately setting his sight on Jeff who was signing a banner with Brad and Justin, “can I keep this one once you develop them?” he asked while zooming in to their faces on the photo. They both looked happy and Monty knew at that moment that he couldn’t hide whatever he was feeling for his best friend anymore.

“Of course,” Tyler smiled and put his camera away before rushing to join Clay and Alex.

Monty made his way to Jeff and slipped an arm around him and pulled him back. “Hey,” he whispered as he nuzzled his face on Jeff’s neck and pressed light kisses on his shoulder.

“Hey,” Jeff smiled as he rested his hands on the arm currently around him. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Monty spun Jeff around and smiled wide when he saw the confusion in his best friend’s eyes. “Just happy.” Monty did not wait for a reply before cupping Jeff’s face in his hands and leaning in to lightly peck the other boy’s lips. “I love you,” he whispered against his lips, “like a lot. I’m in love with you and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way but I don’t wanna pretend that we’re just friends anymore. I wanna be with you but if you don’t then I’ll understand and we-”

“Shut up, Monty.” Jeff demanded before leaning in and capturing the other boy’s lips in his own. “I love you too.”

“Looks like those two finally got their crap together,” Clay pointed at Jeff and Monty as he walked hand in hand with Hannah.

“It was about time,” Hannah laughed and Clay swore he fell in love a little more at the sound of it. “Ryan seems to have found a friend.”

Clay looked in the same direction and saw Ryan walking with a boy he didn’t recognize. They had their arms linked together and for the first time since Clay had known Ryan he could see that the boy was genuinely happy. Not necessarily because he was with a boy but because of the environment that they were in.

“I’m really glad you’re here with me, Helmet.” Hannah squeezed his hand.

“Wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else.” Clay said and kissed Hannah’s cheek.

By the time Alex found Justin in the crown again he was surrounded by multiple drag queens who all seemed very eager to share some glitter with him. Justin looked up and saw Alex approaching, he waved him over and introduced him to his new friends Candace, Marie, and Trixxie.

“Since you’re here now, do you mind us putting glitter on him?” Trixxie asked Alex while pointing to Justin.

“Knock yourselves out,” Alex said and winked at Justin.

Candace and Marie immediately pulled Justin’s shirt off him and began rubbing glitter on his pecs and shoulders.

“Wanna do the honors?” Candace asked Alex and handed him a small bag of glitter while pointing at Justin’s abs.

“It’s edible glitter,” Trixxie smirked.

Alex took the bag and poured its contents on his hand; he winked at Justin and rubbed the glitter on his abs. Alex could feel Justin flexing under his hand and when he looked up he saw him smirking.

“Since its edible glitter,” Justin started with a mischievous glint in his eyes once Alex was done, “will you lick it off my abs later?”

“You wish,” Alex rolled his eyes sarcastically and pushed him away lightly.

“It’s your turn now, sweetcheeks.” Marie smiled at Alex.

“Oh no, this is gonna stay on me too long.” He complained halfheartedly.

“Don’t worry, babe. I’ll lick it all off later.” Justin winked at him before taking his boyfriend’s shirt of and asking for a bag of glitter to begin massaging it onto Alex’s chest.

“I hate you,” Alex mumbled lightly as he pouted and blushed slightly.

“Love you too, baby” Justin smiled and pecked Alex’s lips.

The rest of the day went on smoothly for everyone, they all had the time of their lives together, and swore they would go together again the following year. Sine Monty’s parents were away for the weekend he decided to invite Jeff, Justin, and Alex back to his house. They set up a bonfire and gathered up the warmest blankets they could find. Monty and Alex went inside the house to look for drinks and a couple of snacks so they could eat something while waiting for their pizza to arrive.

Justin and Jeff sat by the fire, simply staring at the flame in a comfortable silence until Justin cleared his throat, “so, you and Monty.”

“Me and Monty what?” Jeff asked, trying to sound nonchalant but failing to hide the smile currently threatening to split his face in half.

“Nothing,” Justin rolled his eyes at his friend. They fell back into a comfortable silence until they heard the back door of Monty’s house slide open. “I’m just glad y’all sorted things out, man.”

“Yeah, me too.” Jeff said as Monty placed their drinks on a small table by the firepit.

“You too what?” Monty asked Jeff as he took a seat beside him.

Jeff simply shook his head and smiled at the other boy.

Alex opened the bag of popcorn he had been holding and proceeded to sit on Justin’s lap.

“There’s another chair six inches away from him y’know.” Monty teased him.

Alex stuck his middle finger out and thrusted the bag of popcorn towards Justin.

“Don’t listen to him, baby.” Justin snaked his arm around Alex’s waist and pulled the boy closer to him. “He’s just mad that he wasn’t getting any until today.”

Alex giggled as Jeff and Monty nearly spat their drink out, “they were getting some; They just didn’t realize we all knew.”

“Fuck you, Standall.” Monty shouted and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“No thanks, man. Jeff might get mad.” Alex winked at him and shoved a handful of popcorn in his mouth.

“I hate all of you.” Jeff said and leaned back on his chair while watching the fire.

The four boys couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of Jeff and Monty trying to hide their relationship. Alex and Justin sat cuddling in their chair and whispering things to each other, causing them both to giggle occasionally while Monty and Jeff sat mostly in comfortable silence with their fingers laced together. It had been a good day for all of them and they content to have been able to share it with one another.

#justlex #Justin Foley #Alex Standall #meff #jeff atkins #montgomery de la cruz #clannah #clay jensen #hannah baker #brony #tony padilla #brad #jessica davis #ryan shaver #Tyler Down #13 reasons why #13rw

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mrtroy · 5 years

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Someday He Will

I don’t do a ton on social media these days. I read some things on Twitter, and use it as a source to find news I care about. Other than that, I don’t do a whole lot.

The other day I was taking a cursory glance through Facebook and Instagram and as you may have also experienced, these forms of social media have become breeding grounds for parents to laud – and lament – certain achievements in their children’s lives.

Oh look, baby Rutherford turned 3 months old! I can’t believe he’s enjoying tummy time so much!! I can’t believe Millard is already 5! He goes to Kindergarten in the fall. Where has the time gone… Chester got his first paycheck, would you look at that Your dad and I are so proud of you, Grover, we wish you and Frances nothing but the best for a happy and healthy marriage!

If you’ll look past my obvious use of presidential pseudonyms, I’m sure you’ve seen all of these types of posts. And, if you have kids, I’m sure the sense of pride, or anxiety, or a mix of the two is very familiar to you depending on how old your kids are.

Many times as I see this type of content, I quickly glance past it. I may make note of what little Millard is up to, on the off chance that I run into his mom at an event and need to do a quick catch up.

In most cases, though, I keep moving past the potty-training milestones, the birthday height measurements and science fair projects. Not because they aren’t impressive, but simply because that type of content has never really done much for me. I don’t have kids, and I’m not a mom… Every once in a blue moon, I’ll see a dad post about something their kid did, but, from my experience, 95% of the time, it’s moms posting this type of thing.

However, recently something happened in my life, and I want to share it for the sake of all the moms out there – especially the boy moms out there.

As my friends’ boys have grown older, I have seen the general sentiments in their posts change from excited when they walk, to proud when they go to kindergarten, to anxious about how fast they are growing by the time they reach later elementary school age, to a bit of eye rolling over how ‘boyish’ they are in middle and high school, back to proud again after that once they get through the gauntlet that is the teenage years.

Moms, I know you worry. I know you wonder your babies may turn out. What happens when your relationship with your son changes?

I hate to break it to ya, but he won��t always be so cooperative when you want to take his picture, or let you drop him off at school. There will be times in college where he won’t pick up the phone, or answer your text. He’ll very likely try to go on some sort of trip without telling you; there may be a few significant others he hopes you’ll never find out about, and there will undoubtedly be 1,000 times where you’ll ask yourself who is this child now? That can’t be the same kid who used to rest his head so contently on my shoulder after a bottle…

Will he ever appreciate you, Mom? Will he ever truly understand how much you care for him? Will he ever stop and notice all the ways you have tried to prepare him for the life ahead of him?

The answer, I can assure you, is yes, someday, he will.

For me, that someday came barreling at me completely out of the blue last week.

My mom was on vacation with my dad. They were touring a few National Parks in Utah. This is the kind of trip that my mom lives for. Nature. Hiking. Exploring. Free entry into the national parks via her lifetime pass, and reciprocity to visit other gardens along the way due to her membership benefits with the Morton Arboretum …

If you know my mom at all, that’s like a Mount Rushmore of benefits.

Anyway, on Monday morning, June 17, my mom sat down at breakfast to write me a letter. This letter, that you’ll see below, embodies everything that is great about my mom’s and my relationship.

She included so many little details in this note that were not only important to her – but she also knew that I would appreciate them. And, for the first time in my life, I think I was able to fully appreciate them.

First of all, she sent the letter on stationary from the (potentially) world-famous Bumbleberry Inn and Motel. How do I know this? Because she went through the trouble to get her hands on Bumbleberry stationary. I picture this process, where you have an extremely zealous traveler coming up to a Bumbleberry employee and asking if they have stationary, or something in which she can use to send a note to her son. There’s a chance the paper could have been left for guests in each of their rooms, but this is full-size stationary, not a sheet off of a tear pad. So, at least in my version of how the events went down, my mom had to ask for this. And, knowing her, she would most definitely do that!

The top of the note not only has the date, but it specifies that it was Monday morning, and that it was written during breakfast. Not only is this thoughtful letter-writing technique commonly practiced in eras gone by, but, as I have learned, this is how my mom’s brain works. Every time I go on a trip, be it for work, or pleasure, she asks, okay, Monday, what did you do Monday? And after we’ve gone through Monday, and gotten sidetracked a few dozen times, she’ll always come back to it in her mind, and say, okay, Tuesday, what was Tuesday?

For years, I have had to bite my tongue and not say, Mom, okay, do we have to go through every day of the trip as if it’s being used in a legal deposition? And yet, somehow, to read ‘Monday… Breakfast’ at the top of this note, it finally clicked. This is her. This is how her mind works. This is what she wants to tell me, and this is how she structured it in her mind. The realization that she was getting great joy out of this changed everything for me.

She started the letter with reference to her favorite writing utensil – the trusty Ticonderoga #2 pencil. It’s a long running joke in our family that Mom always has a Ticonderoga #2 behind one – and sometimes both – of her ears. As soon as I saw that the letter was written in pencil, I knew it was a Ticonderoga #2, but reading her reminder made me smile.

I won’t break down for you every part of this note that touched me so personally, because there is so much layered into the way she wrote it – from using certain exclamation points in places where I knew she would use them – to the way she used parentheses. They mean more to me than they could ever mean to you.

That’s not the point of this post.

The point of this post is to be a reminder of how uniquely special a mother’s relationship can be with her son.

It takes time, and for a long time, my mom was putting in effort to connect with me that went without being fully realized on my end.

She sent me notes like this in college that I opened, read, and glanced at the articles she’d cut out of the newspaper thinking I would like to read them, and I didn’t read them, or at least not all of them.

She put together a photo scrapbook of a class trip I took in middle school, and I probably looked at it for five seconds back then. As I was cleaning out my house to move about two years ago now, I found that little scrapbook and I marveled at the effort and the care she put into making it and preserving those memories.

The common theme may sound like it’s just a factor of building a foundation, and waiting 30 years, but I think there’s also more to it than that.

I’ve written more about that here, but the short version is this:

Invest in what your son(s) likes now. That’ll no doubt change, but the thing he’ll come to appreciate most when he’s in his 30s and beyond is that you took the time to know him. That while you may not have been super interested in baseball (the thing I liked most throughout most of my formative years) or trucks, or toy cars, or video games, or Marvel movies, purely the fact that you wanted to take part in his life with him matters. A lot.

He’ll brush you off at first. And probably for the entire span of when he’s like 11 through 25…

But it’s worth it.

I look at the relationship I have with my mom now and it brings tears to my eyes.

Her methods may not work for you. They may not feel authentic, and your kids may not respond to them the same way that I did. Heck, the way my mom and I connect is not the same way she connects with my brother. But, she has her own connection with him, and they bond in ways that are equally unique to his personality. But they do connect. And it is special.

As I close, I will end with a call to enjoy the journey.

I laugh a little that I’m giving advice to moms – me?

But for many of you that will read this, I know you. I know your moms, and I know the amazing connections you have with them.

I also know how hard it can be to know how to navigate all that goes into raising a son. I certainly wouldn’t want to have been fully responsible for raising me…

Many of you have husbands who will play their own role in helping you raise your boys, and they will do their part, no doubt. And your boys – if they’re anything like me – will gravitate heavily to their dad at certain times. And thankfully so. That’s obviously normal. Enjoy the connection that’s built there, too.

But, as most any boy would tell ya, there’s just something special about the relationship we have with our mom.

If you wonder in the back of your mind if your little guy will ever fully appreciate you for all that you are, and how much you care about him.

Someday, he will.

Okay, enough out of me. I hope my words made your hearts smile a little bit. Go moms!

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nycrunning · 5 years

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Heeeey October, what’s up? I am SO READY for this… but let me get to the recap first!

We started the month in Nice ->my husband was competing in the Half Ironman World Championships. Running in Nice was EVERYTHING -so amazing- and here are some pics! I truly enjoyed it. My runs were slow crap but the scenery was top notch -also, it was quite hilly. The food was RIDICULOUS. Love. The highlight was a 5K organized by Ironman, where I did horribly. My legs were crap all week. The next week I did a run in Brugge, in Belgium, where I… emmm… hit the pavement a bit and got scratched up a bit… it was no fun… I started hyperventilating and almost crying. Luckily Juan was with me and helped me relax… so scary, but the run was gorgeous.

Then we went to Paris for a week and it was also amazing… I run about 4 or 5 days but my runs were still slow. Maybe it was all the food, maybe it was my vacation mindset, maybe it was PMS (or all 3!). Again, and of course, Paris is amazing.

Anyway, the first half of the month was unbeatable… then I came back to NYC (yeah, nothing to sneeze at) and had two weekends to complete the month. Weekend 1 I did a 22 miler with 6 loops of the top loop (Harlem Hill) which is NO joke, oh, and a rabid pace. It an insane confidence booster.

Weekend 2 I run the Bronx 10 Miler -ha, in the Bronx!- and I PRed HARD. It was a bit shocking given my PR was from a flat 10M in nice weather but it happened. My pacing was ridiculous. These are my last 6 miles:

And it was so much fun… see the proof:

Anyway, it was awesome! time for the:

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Small Recap

Total Miles: 147 ha. Vacation in France. what else need I say?

Downs: more croissants please!

Ups: it was gorgeous over there, FAST over here.

Balance: time to catch up. that was fun but there is work to do now.

August

Full of PRs!

I have no idea how this happened. Yes, I have been training like a beast since December and yes, I always surprised when things turn well (to me, the key to being happy is always having low expectations!!!) but omg how did I run the highest mileage I ever did without intending or noticing? I did 216 miles. That is insane! Also, there was a little racing to be done… The month started with SUMMER STREETS!!!!!! Summer Streets is my favorite. I did all 3. It is the BEST.

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The first summer streets I did 10 miles because/but I had the Manhattan 7 Mile race the next day, OOOPS… SOMEHOW, I PRed, but that’s only because 7 miles is such an odd distance and because I was sick last year when I did it. My pace was actually good enough for top 20 (out 2435 women) and 2nd in my AG (out of 357) which is quite shocking! My expectations were so slow and I had so much fun that it’s shocking that I did well..

Then I did about 19.5 in summer streets, speedwork, many great workouts….

and did a 5K, another one of the PPTC Al Goldstein Summer Series which was actually decent! I came in 1st in my AG and 20 SECONDS FORM A PR. WTF! ALL I DO MAKES NO SENSE!

More workouts, more summer streets, more miles, the highest week ever in my life and then I did a half in the Rockaways with Andrea and Elizabeth. It wasn’t particularly good but a decent effort. Overall, a month I didn’t plan and couldn’t have foreseen!

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Small Recap

Total Miles: the MOST ever ever. woooot. didn’t even know this was happening while it was happening. blame summer streets?

Downs: that it’s over????

Ups: HOLY CRAP I AM STILL HIGH FROM ALL THIS RUNNING!!!!

Balance: MORE more more more please.

July

You’re so predictable, hot weather and all, but so so great. I love summer, have I told you that before? You’ll never hear me complain about the heat, unless I don’t want to wash my hair that day and it’s getting to be a sweaty mess, ever. The tiny layers, the sweatiness, the sprinklers, the sun, the colorful runners, the never-ending weekend morning runs that always come down to a sweat puddle in a brunch situation… omg the finest things in life….

so, July, I went to see a preview of this movie which was a blast and a true story about a girl who decides to run the NYC Marathon. It has very funny running moments. If you’ve seen it, let me know your thoughts!

On July 3rd I run a 5K, which was burning hell a bit balmy. I did ok. I started slow, you know, to warm up a bit more up the hill and the hammered down to get 1st in my AG. YEAH. Then I almost melted.

There was a LOT of running actually in July, fun runs, speedwork, tempos, long runs, always with the most amazing friends and all over the city!

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Small Recap

Total Miles: the most so far this year, so yeah, GOOD, and a even few miles ahead of he 1800 yearly miles goal.

Downs: there was a bunch of rain… like flash flooding. Two of my 5Ks got cancelled because of rain..

Ups: ALL OF IT! I LOVE SUMMER RUNNING!

Balance: MORE please.

June

was awesome and QUICK…?

It started with the Italy Run, a 5 miler in Central Park that was fun. I run it with a few friends and we had a blast. The next weekend, I raced the Mini10K, hot as always but also a blast, so how could I miss it? The next weekend I raced the Queens 10K, also always hot but totally manageable this year. Then the next weekend I raced the Front Runners NY Pride Run. Yes, a race every weekend. A little insane on the racing side but that is how I like my summers… There were also some amazing runs sprinkled in. Like, for example, that midweek run where we went up Riverside to see the goats munching on poison ivy…

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Small Recap

Total Miles: 157. Racing that much kills the mileage.

Downs: NOT ONE!

Ups: Racing! Love seeing all my friends at the races!!!!

Balance: July, here we come!!!!

May

was a quick one… It bothers me a bit that mileage goes down as soon as the weather gets nicer BUT that is only because I race much more and hey quality over quantity (plus mini tapers…!). You just can’t do it all -or do it all well, correct? So, I’ve been replacing my tempos by races this past month, I only got in a tempo or two, I just can’t do that many hard miles a week. But I always get my intervals in!

Early May I run the Sharon 5 Miler, which was super horribly hill fun!

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I REALLY need to get out of NYC more… I always say that and I then I get so lazy. Anyway, that was a super fun weekend out of town with friends. Then we had the Brooklyn Half, which was also awesome!

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Overall Small Recap

Total Miles: 134, I am getting behind on my 1800 goal!

Downs: just the mileage.

Ups: all the races and the runs and the friends. Life and running is GOOD.

Balance: I am in a good, GREAT, place. see below…

I have come to terms with WHERE I AM. For 3 years I haven’t PRed and I was pouting about it. I had a few PRs this year, yes, but it’s because it’s at distances I hadn’t bothered with before, it’s like they almost don’t count. A few months ago, I’d get a 1:40 half and I’d point it was about 4 minutes off my 1:36 PR. Now I KNOW that 1:40 is where I am. I am training hard, I am doing all that I should be doing, and HEY, I am older, THIS IS MY BEST. And it’s fine. I am happy with it. Not sure how to explain what changed in my perspective. I am not sure I can say that I will never get closer to 1:36 again -because the truth is not only I am not sure I can get there at all but if I could it is a very remote possibility I am not willing to chase. This, this right here today, is my best. And it sort of reset my goals and status quo of what I can and want to do. Hard RESET. Let’s go.

April

Just like that, we are back to RACING!!!! I started the month with a race I had heard SO much about, the Washington DC Cherry Tree Blossom 10 Miler, an epic run through a very scenic and historic course. The race was truly beautiful, joyful and fast. The race report is here and the video recap is there as well. There was a taper before, a recovery after and then I race the Hot Chocolate 15K in Brooklyn. Also Fun. Did pretty well and the speed is coming back (slowly). Training is good for the soul. And the race results ;-). Oh and I almost forgot: I did a relay marathon in a 200-meter track. That was fun and brutal and insane and fun. More here.

Of course, there were many other fun runs, speedwork sessions, group intervals and what not. See pictures below for more:

I ate everything with melted chocolate dip and washed it down with chocolate

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Overall Small Recap

Total Miles: 127, CRAP. Three races really bring down the total with the taper and the recovery…

Downs: legs were sore

Ups: All the fast miles!!!

Balance: Good month overall. Hard work is starting to pay off!

March

was momentous!! On December 10 I started a training program (that I wrote obviously) that would take me through the NYC Half on March 17. It took 527 miles, 14 weeks, 101 miles at goal pace, 6 training partners, two continents as training grounds, and a lot of sweat to get there. The United NYC Half popped up and it was glorious. My race recap is here, and the race video recap is here if you are curious. It was not a PR or a particularly fast race but I felt strong and did amazing. I was able to crush the distance and come out happy. I love halfs. This one is super scenic and that helps.

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The other BIG thing is that I was in Buenos Aires for a week and the running was AMAZING!!!! I will post a video soon. Or maybe a “where to run” type post but for now, here are a few pictures for now:

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Running in Palermo was a total blast. Can’t wait to go back. I really will work on a post. 100%!

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Overall Small Recap

Total Miles: 159, still ok, the taper and the post half recovery slowed me down! Though I am still somehow 31 miles ahead of the 1800 miles goal for 2019.

Downs: not one!

Ups: I had an insane 5-mile tempo that will inspire me all year. Running in Palermo. Finally managing to do speed by myself when I don’t have an option. This month was above the charts!

Balance: TOO GOOD

February

was cold and FAST. Did I tell you I have been training HARD?? I started mid-December, this is week 12 of 14. First race is the NYC Half in two weeks. Training is going amazing. The hardest part was the first 2-3 weeks… when I still didn’t think I could do it. It had been so long since I had a written-down-formal-training-program that I was a bit scared. But if my runners do it, why wouldn’t I? They inspired me. They ask for it, they pay for it, they’re not afraid… what am I waiting for??? So I did it to myself!!!!

So… it was aggressive. So far in these 12 weeks, I’ve run 83 miles under 7:30 pace. Which is what I think should be around my half marathon pace (though who knows?); that’d be around a 1:38 half, not a PR but I don’t think I am in PR shape. We shall see in the next few months… stay tuned.

February had a little snow, some cold days, some brutally cold days, lots of friends and runs, no races, and I don’t remember what else. It was chill, fun, and rewarding.

DATA DOWNLOAD

Overall Small Recap

Total Miles: 170. not bad. at all. for a short month

Downs: by the end of the month I was getting sick of the cold… as usual.

Ups: Training is going amazing!

Balance: Excited for warm weather and less laundry soon!

January

was something: it started REALLY HOT (the first day of the year I did speedwork in a sports bra!) and then it was record-breaking COLD. Running in the cold is so tricky… if you’re underdressed you’ll be miserable (and prone to injure stiff muscles), but if you’re overdressed you’ll also be miserable (and prone to not finish a workout either). Not only I spend way more time layering up but leveling each layer’s materials is a science I work at perfecting every day. Plus, add the wind-chill, the humidity, the area you’ll be running around, and the specific workout to the variables and it could literally cripple you in distress before you even start running… WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF, HUH?

ANYWAY… so it was hot, then cold, then freezing, then back to cold that felt warm because after freezing cold is nothing. I am, somehow, still sticking to my crazy exhausting training plan, and it’s actually going great (some days better than others!). It’s mostly 4 hard workouts a week, but I built them slooooow, so it’s all safe. Painfully horrible BUT SAFE. It’s going well. Plus, I’ve had a few good friends jump in to help in, to pace, to train with, or just distract me from my thoughts of jumping into the reservoir. They are ALL faster than me. I swear. No joke, it’s super humiliating humbling, every week. My main pacer, Pamela Hunt, just won Runner of the Year at the NYRR Club Night. And there I am, trying my best, huffing and puffing, week after week. Why? Because I a not ready to give up. Not yet.

January was a challenging month on the personal side, most of you know. It was heartbreaking but also full of joy. I am trying to navigate all those super strong emotions. We learn something every day if we keep our eyes and hearts open. I am mostly thankful to get to go through this, and to know the people in my life are super strong and we hold each other up.

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DATA DOWNLOAD

Overall Small Recap

Total Miles: 147. Not bad! IF I am shooting for 1,800 miles in 2019, the monthly average should be around 158, so I need to up it up a bit. I think it’s hard to put on a lot of miles when I am training because I am currently doing 4 hard workouts a week, so I need more rest than usual…

Downs: just the world-record-breaking really really really cold temps

Ups: I have managed to stick to my training even in this cold weather!

Balance: starting the year STRONG! Let’s go!

September is always a good time Heeeey October, what's up? I am SO READY for this... but let me get to the recap first!

#BIOMECHANICS #central park #central park running #New York City #new york city marathon #nyc racing #nycrunning #nyrr #running #running biomechanics #running in nyc

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xhapjeongkrp-blog · 7 years

Photo

( We thought we were running away from the grown-ups, and now we are the grown-ups. )

Name: Jeon Jungkook Age: 22 Occupation: Unemployed

( content warning: mentions of sibling death, wishing death upon one’s self )

This is patient #4102, Jeon Jungkook. Twenty-two years old. Male. Date, March 1, 2017, Time, 7:41 AM. Chief Complaint: Clinical Depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and Bipolar Disorder. How are you doing today?

“I’m fine.”

I understand you are active in your military duty, correct?

“Correct.”

Thank you for your service. Would you like to be addressed by your rank, Sergeant Jeon – what would you like to be called?

“Jungkook is fine.”

I understand that your family has been in high ranks, and has contributed great things to our country for decades. Does your family not take pride, and dignity in their service?

“They do.”

Do you?

“I used to.”

Why don’t you anymore?

“…………..I feel like being in the Marines is purposeless.”

Would you rather be in a different branch?

“Being in the military is purposeless in general.”

You served four long years, Jungkook-ssi. Have moved up many ranks not only because of your name but because of the hard work and dedication you have put into active duty. It’s been reported that your first couple of years of service had been of your own volition, and you were one of the most enthusiastic soldiers in your base. What caused the decline?

“Things change. People change. Perceptions are simply perceptions until they aren’t your own anymore. Until you realize they never were. I don’t understand why we have to talk about the army so much.”

Perhaps military duty had been the catalyst to these damages that you are experiencing psychologically.

“There is nothing wrong with me. The only reason I’m being evaluated is because my parents believe that there is something wrong with me. I’m not experiencing psychological change. Only boredom in this moment.”

Why do you think your parents would subject you to this if they didn’t truly believe you needed it?

“Because I won’t be renewing my contract in June.”

That warrants a psychological evaluation?

“To my family, yes. My parents would have an easier time believing I’m psychotic than to think I don’t want to be a Marine anymore.”

These are serious complaints that they are making though, Jungkook-ssi.

“My parents don’t make playful ones.”

They believe that you are suffering because of your elder brother’s death. I understand it was sudden. Are you okay to talk about it? Could you explain to me what happened?

“Yeah, but I wasn’t there.”

But you know what happened to him. Tell me about it.

“He was deployed to South Sudan. They….. they opened fire. He was shot.”

I’m sorry for your loss. Could your brother’s passing possibly be the reason for your lack of interest in the military?

“I never said it wasn’t.”

You said that it was “purposeless.”

“Yes. It’s purposeless. My brother died for what? Nothing. Soldiers’ lives are being risked every single day, for what? They were sent to Sudan, foreign soil – pretty much looking for a fight. Why did we get involved? Why did we have to? What am I doing in it? It’s all for rank. For bragging rights. People throw my name around for perks more than I do. My brother had just been promoted to Staff Sergeant. All people could say at his funeral is he would have done well in E-6. He’s lying in a fucking casket two feet away and all people have to talk about is how well of a fucking Staff Sergeant he would have made.I hate it. I hate everything about the army.”

But you hate most that it took your brother away from you.

“You could say that.”

You would think after your brother’s passing your desire to do well in the Marines would increase. Why did you decide that for him, you would drop out?

“It wasn’t necessarily for him. What people don’t understand is just because I enlisted only four years ago, I’ve been in the army pretty much all my life. My dad had been training me and Junghyun both since the moment we could walk. When all you hear all your life is about training, and ranks, and Marines. All your choices are taken away from you. When I graduated, I laughed when somebody asked me if I was going to college. The military was a given. In fact, I remember my dad asking me why I hadn’t sent in my application sooner before graduation. I was sick of it. Junghyun’s death only pushed my decision further.”

Was your father always hard on you both growing up?

“I guess so.”

What are some things he would make you and your brother do?

“Typical stuff. Run 50 laps every morning, have us bulk up.”

Discipline?

“When we would piss him off? Hit us, yell at us. Make us do push ups, sit ups. He’s been our drill sergeant from the womb. Nothing I can’t handle now. But back then, I remember hating him.”

Because he was too hard on you?

“I don’t know. I got used to it. But sometimes he would go overboard. Junghyun was a model son. He took everything like a man. But I complained, I spoke against my father, and sometimes things were worse for me. But I learned to push my pride aside and shut my mouth. Things were easier for me this way.”

What about now? Leaving duty would be against your father’s wishes.

“I’m not a little kid anymore.”

What do you plan on doing after your discharge?

“I don’t know. I thought about the Police Academy. I didn’t go to college, so there’s not many places that’ll take a four-year twenty-two-year-old Marine Vet. I will probably just get a normal job until I figure out what I want to do. My parents won’t be happy. They’ll disown me, I know it. But like I said – I’m not a little kid anymore. If that’s their decision I can’t do nothin’ but live with it.”

How do you think your brother would handle a similar situation?

“He’d never had left the Marines to begin with.”

Let’s entertain the thought.

“…….I don’t know. He’d be better off in my situation. I almost wish I could just comply and be miserable. Junghyun was so much better at improvising. So much more flexible, malleable, adaptable. So much–”

Better?

“Yeah. Better. So much better than me.”

In what other ways?

“He was just… everything my dad wanted in a son. Everything somebody could want in an older brother. He was better looking, well-behaved, had girls crawling after him. A great soldier.”

Are these things you think you aren’t?

“Yeah.”

Did your father treat you worse as children because of that?

“Maybe..? I’m not in his head, I don’t know why he was such an asshole to me. But now that you mention it, sometimes he would punish me harder than Junghyun – even if I didn’t do anything.”

What’s a standout moment for you that really highlighted the favoritism between the two of you?

“It’s been a while. I can’t pick just one moment……”

Try.

“Um. This one time – I uh, I had spent weeks training to get this obstacle course down. It’s full of difficult tasks, requires a lot of strength and speed. Anyways, the fastest time the obstacle had ever been performed was five minutes and fifty-eight seconds. I did it in five minutes, two seconds. Only a fifty-six-second difference, but beat the record. Junghyun had done it in six minutes, and my dad only praised him for being two seconds off the record when I had beat it. And worked hard to get myself there, too. I was really upset that my dad simply gave me a pat on the back and told me to work harder.

What do you think the reaction from friends and family would be if you died?

“Good riddance.”

Do you ever wish you would have died in Junghyun’s place instead?

“Everyone probably does.”

But do you?

“Yes.”

Why do you think you were so affected by your brother’s death, besides the fact that you loved him? Did his life leave a shadow cast on you… even in death?

“Yes.”

Answer my first question, please.

“I think it’s been about an hour – I’m ready to leave–”

Jungkook-ssi, this is the last question I will ask you. Answer truthfully, and I’ll conclude the evaluation. You’ve done well thus far, end on an honest note.

“You won’t share anything I’ve said with my parents, right?”

You have my word.

“……I think because when he died, he left a shadow that covers me completely. I look like a failure in comparison. My family was left with the lesser son, and it’s too much pressure on me. At least if I died instead of Junghyun, they’d still have their perfect son. And the mistake they made by having me would have been taken care of.”

I see. This concludes the evaluation. I will be calling you in for a follow-up session after analyzing this data to be analyzed again followed by a full report. You can set up another appointment to do so with my secretary. I’ll be looking forward to seeing you again Jungkook-ssi. Once again, confidentiality is ensured, so long as your evaluation proves your competence. Thank you for your cooperation, Jungkook-ssi. You are free to go.

#hpj: accepted #tw: death mention

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nycrunning · 5 years

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Then I did about 19.5 in summer streets, speedwork, many great workouts….

and did a 5K, another one of the PPTC Al Goldstein Summer Series which was actually decent! I came in 1st in my AG and 20 SECONDS FORM A PR. WTF! ALL I DO MAKES NO SENSE!

DATA DOWNLOAD

Small Recap

Total Miles: the MOST ever ever. woooot. didn’t even know this was happening while it was happening. blame summer streets?

Downs: that it’s over????

Ups: HOLY CRAP I AM STILL HIGH FROM ALL THIS RUNNING!!!!

Balance: MORE more more more please.

July

There was a LOT of running actually in July, fun runs, speedwork, tempos, long runs, always with the most amazing friends and all over the city!

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DATA DOWNLOAD

Small Recap

Total Miles: the most so far this year, so yeah, GOOD, and a even few miles ahead of he 1800 yearly miles goal.

Downs: there was a bunch of rain… like flash flooding. Two of my 5Ks got cancelled because of rain..

Ups: ALL OF IT! I LOVE SUMMER RUNNING!

Balance: MORE please.

June

was awesome and QUICK…?

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DATA DOWNLOAD

Small Recap

Total Miles: 157. Racing that much kills the mileage.

Downs: NOT ONE!

Ups: Racing! Love seeing all my friends at the races!!!!

Balance: July, here we come!!!!

May

Early May I run the Sharon 5 Miler, which was super horribly hill fun!

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DATA DOWNLOAD

Overall Small Recap

Total Miles: 134, I am getting behind on my 1800 goal!

Downs: just the mileage.

Ups: all the races and the runs and the friends. Life and running is GOOD.

Balance: I am in a good, GREAT, place. see below…

April

Of course, there were many other fun runs, speedwork sessions, group intervals and what not. See pictures below for more:

I ate everything with melted chocolate dip and washed it down with chocolate

DATA DOWNLOAD

Overall Small Recap

Total Miles: 127, CRAP. Three races really bring down the total with the taper and the recovery…

Downs: legs were sore

Ups: All the fast miles!!!

Balance: Good month overall. Hard work is starting to pay off!

March

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Running in Palermo was a total blast. Can’t wait to go back. I really will work on a post. 100%!

DATA DOWNLOAD

Overall Small Recap

Total Miles: 159, still ok, the taper and the post half recovery slowed me down! Though I am still somehow 31 miles ahead of the 1800 miles goal for 2019.

Downs: not one!

Ups: I had an insane 5-mile tempo that will inspire me all year. Running in Palermo. Finally managing to do speed by myself when I don’t have an option. This month was above the charts!

Balance: TOO GOOD

February

February had a little snow, some cold days, some brutally cold days, lots of friends and runs, no races, and I don’t remember what else. It was chill, fun, and rewarding.

DATA DOWNLOAD

Overall Small Recap

Total Miles: 170. not bad. at all. for a short month

Downs: by the end of the month I was getting sick of the cold… as usual.

Ups: Training is going amazing!

Balance: Excited for warm weather and less laundry soon!

January

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DATA DOWNLOAD

Overall Small Recap

Downs: just the world-record-breaking really really really cold temps

Ups: I have managed to stick to my training even in this cold weather!

Balance: starting the year STRONG! Let’s go!

August full of PRs! WTF? I have no idea how this happened. Yes, I have been training like a beast since December and yes, I always surprised when things turn well (to me, the key to being happy is always having low expectations!!!) but omg how did I run the highest mileage I ever did without intending or noticing?

#BIOMECHANICS #central park #central park running #New York City #new york city marathon #nyc racing #nycrunning #nyrr #running #running biomechanics #running in nyc

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