YCTMTDH Incorrect Quotes: Scouting

Wayzz: Master Fu! I can sense the butterfly miraculous!

Master Fu: That is not good, we must find fitting heroes to stop the threat and bring back the lost miraculous.

Wayzz: But Master, how are you going to find fitting holders?

Master Fu, putting on a hat and trench coat: By stalking some kids.

Wayzz: Wait, what?

Legal Bug

Hey there, this is a one-shot I wrote today as it refused to leave me alone!  I’m not too happy with the end of it but my sleep deprived brain wanted me to post it before it got lost on my harddrive!  Hope you enjoy it!

Marinette knew that her classmate's thought that her only interest was in fashion. She also knew that they didn't think she was very smart. What they didn't know was that she was the youngest student in the class, having skipped two years. While it was true that her primary passion lay in fashion, over the years she had developed a passion for the law as well. It had started when she had seen how Adrian was treated by his father and had been nurtured by sheer necessity after becoming Ladybug.

After seeing one too many people becoming Akumatized due to fear while being trapped in Abusive relationships, Marinette knew that she needed to be able to help them. As Marinette, she couldn't do anything. As ladybug, she was able to find out where they lived and was able to guide them to the right lawyers that would happily take on pro-bono cases. When Lila had joined her class she knew that she wasn't looking at a girl who wanted attention, she was looking at an undiagnosed psychopath with a heavy dose of narcissism thrown in. She also knew that Lila was a pathological liar and that despite what Adrian had to say, taking the high road would not help them in the long run. Marinette knew that with so many enablers in her class she would have to work hard to get out as soon as she could. With this in mind, she threw herself into her studies. She was still Ladybug and she still did her duties as class president to the best of her abilities but she stopped doing all the extra things she had done for the class. Seeing how Adrian had refused to stand up for himself against Lila had made her realise that he would never stand up to his father either and had killed her crush on him faster than anything else could have. When Lila had pushed for her to be ousted as class president, Marinette had simply cancelled any plans she had made for the class, withdrew the money she had set aside out of her own pocket for any outings and dumped all the paperwork on Alya as Lila had said she couldn't run as president. She had then approached the student council and joined that instead as she knew that, while it was unlikely any prospective employer would care about it being on her resume, she wanted the experience. Her duties on the council were slightly less time consuming than the class president duties and she had used that time to push ahead in her studies. By the end of the year, she was a grade and a half ahead of the rest of her class. To hide how far ahead she was, she had asked Mr Damocles not to change her class but to rather let her teachers know that she was much further ahead than the rest of her class and to assign her work appropriately. He had readily agreed however it seemed Ms Bustier didn't read the memo. As a result, she handed all her work into Ms Mendeleiev instead. Ms Bustier got handed copies of her older assignments and any marks received from her were ignored by the school board. Ironically it was having to do this that brought Ms Bustier up in front of the school board for incompetence shortly after Marinette had graduated when Ms Bustier had tried to report Marinette for truancy. It was then that Lila's lies started to unravel but the grip she had on Marinette's old class was so tight that they didn't even notice when things were going wrong anymore. Less then a month after she had officially graduated from high school she had figured out who Hawkmoth was. She knew after the first time Chat had reacted negatively to the idea that Gabriel Agreste could be Hawkmoth, that he wouldn't be able to help her in the upcoming fight against him. So she went to master Fu with an idea. Make her parents temporary holders of the fox and turtle. Her father's build would provide the intimidation factor that they needed to scare Hawkmoth, while her mother could create decoys to distract Mayura. The key part of the plan would be to wait for Hawkmoth to Akumatize someone, then while chat distracts the Akuma, Ladybug, Tartaruga and Hú bù wǔ (Foxtrot) would head to the Agreste mansion to deal with Hawkmoth and Mayura. The took Master Fu as Serpens with them to collect and important documents that pertained to the miraculous as they didn't want to leave those in Gabriel's possession any longer than they had to. It didn't take long to convince her parents to be temporary holders, though neither Fu nor Marinette revealed that it was Marinette asking them for the favour and not Ladybug. They didn't have to wait too long to act on their plan either. Thankfully the Akuma that was sent out was a rather benign one that simply made anyone it hit speak what they were really thinking and while Chat had to work hard not to get hit, it wasn't causing any true damage. Hawkmoth went down relatively fast, to Ladybug's relief but Chat was still hissing angrily when she arrived a full hour later to the Akuma. One lucky charm later and the Akuma was defeated, however, Chat decided to let her know exactly how angry he was at being left to deal with it alone for so long. Marinette, as Ladybug, looked at Chat the whole time he was berating her, not giving her a chance to talk. Eventually, he seemed to run out of steam when Alya showed up for an interview and started to ask questions of her own. Ladybug had put a hand on her hip in annoyance by this stage and when she answered her voice was sharp. “Well, Chat if you had let me speak earlier you wouldn't be left looking like a fool now! To answer your question, the reason I was late is I had a lead on who Hawkmoth and Mayura were and I was acting on it.” Alya was the one to pick up on her word choice. “Were?” She asked. “Yes. Were. While Chat was keeping the Akuma occupied Tartaruga, Hú bù wǔ, Serpens and I were dealing with Hawkmoth and Mayura. They have been defeated and will no longer be attacking Paris. This is the last Akuma Paris will ever see.” Alya and Chat's jaws dropped. “But-” Chat didn't get the chance to continue as Serpens slipped behind him and removed his ring. Soon Adrian was standing where Chat had been just moments before. Alya instantly rounded on him asking questions by the dozen and Ladybug and Serpens slipped away unnoticed. They both dropped their transformation then she looked at Master Fu for a moment. “Master” he held up a hand then removed the snake miraculous and placed it in the box. “I am old Marinette,” he said sadly. “It's time I passed on the duties of Guardian as I will no longer be able to fulfil them. You may be young but you are wise and more importantly, you are ready. I hereby name you as Guardian of the miraculous.” As soon as he finished speaking a soft glow covered both of them. Master Fu smiled at her. “I have ten minutes before the memory erasure takes hold. Please stay safe Marinette, you have been a blessing to teach and I love you like a grandchild.” With that Marinette was left alone in the ally with the bag that held what felt like the weight of the world. When the news reached her a week later that he had died she insisted on being the one to arrange his funeral, getting help from Wayzz on what he'd have wanted. It was as Marinette was trying to decide what she wanted to study that she came across her first big stumbling block. What did she want to study more? Fashion or Law? She debated with herself for almost a week before Tikki, in a fit of frustration, had asked her why she didn't just study both. To Marinette, it was as though her path was suddenly clear. So she submitted her application to ESMOD with the plan to finish her fashion major there before heading to Harvard in the USA. To make sure she could get into Harvard when she finished at ESMOD, Marinette sent her application in at the same time as she sent her applications in at the same time, though she sent a letter with the one that went off to Harvard and was surprised to see she had been accepted into both. The committee at Harvard had been so impressed that she had planned so far ahead that they were holding a spot for her and she wouldn't have to re-apply when she had finished her other degree. Her time at ESMOD flew by with several of her teachers trying to get her to agree to go to work in a fashion house as soon as she graduated but Marinette stuck to her plan. She was using the money from her commissions to pay her way through her courses and for her transfer to America so she had taken to working at a coffee shop whenever she could, in order to have a little extra, just in case! She had also taken up dancing in her spare time, though she knew that that would always only be a hobby. Her time in Harvard got off to a rocky start. So rocky in fact that she reminded a number of the staff of Elle Woods. Marinette didn't let the rest of the student body know that they were getting to her however the staff saw it and decided to intervene. They contacted Elle and got her to come in for a guest lecture. They told her about Marinette and when Elle saw how similar they were she knew she had to help. It was then that a case dropped in her lap that she knew she would need help with. So she went to the Harvard board with an idea, let her take 4 students on to help her with the research and they would get to see how it really was in court as well as gain some real-world experience. The board loved her idea and soon the other lecturers had managed to get all of their first years students to apply. Marinette hadn't placed much hope in getting a position but had read up on the case anyway and she had several questions about what she had read. Soon the shortlist was posted on the announcements board and the news quickly spread around the campus. Marinette had been in a dance class so when she hears that she had been one of the ones chosen, she quickly went to double-check. She didn't want to show up only to find out it wasn't true after all. She was thrilled to see that she had been chosen and

ran to her dorm to make sure all of her notes where in order. The Kwami's all danced around her in celebration and helped get everything ready. Duusu went through Marinette's wardrobe to make sure she had the perfect outfit ready for her which had Marinette smiling happily. When she arrived at the meeting room she was nervous, but she relaxed slightly when given the brief. They were defending a man accused of killing his boyfriend when he had left him for someone else. Marinette had frowned when she heard that, something Elle noticed straight away. “What's wrong, Marinette?” Elle asked. “I'm not sure,” she answered, which made the other three laugh at her. “Probably doesn't understand the case as it doesn't involve fashion.” One said derisively. “It's not the case I don't understand. There's just something that doesn't fit with the police reports.” Marinette's voice was thoughtful and she had yet to look up from the file in front of her to judge any of their reactions. Her classmates were scoffing at Marinette's logic but Elle had a small smile on her face. Marinette had good instincts and Elle couldn't wait to see how Marinette would prove that their client was innocent. “Right Marinette seems to have a lead she would want to follow, what about you three? What's your take on this? If this was your case what would you want to know?” Elle asked. They didn't answer, how could they answer when they hadn't even looked at the case, they thought that they would just be watching the process not that they would be participating. “Ms Woods?” Marinette's timid voice startled them. “Yes, Ms Dupain-Cheng?” “Just Marinette, please. Anyway if our client was going to kill his boyfriend why was there no history of violence? Something doesn't add up here. From cases I saw in France if one partner was going to kill the other, there was generally several warning signs. I mean sure they could have come home one day and snapped but from our client's statement, it was an amicable break up with no hard feelings. Sure our client still loved the deceased but there is nothing that would indicate he could go into a murderous rage. In fact, if I look at his company log here our client was still at work when the crime happened. This company is infamous for having cameras everywhere because they have several high profile people that work with them, was any video footage pulled at any stage?” “Good! That is the type of thinking one would need when taking this case. Did you notice anything else?” Marinette frowned, there was something else but she just couldn't place it. It was only as she was sitting in court behind Elle that the thing that had been bugging her for weeks hit her. She waited for a recess before she said anything. “Ms Woods?” She started hesitantly. “Yes, Marinette?” “The shirt that was found that had the blood splatter on it was polyester, right? The type the new boyfriend wears.” “Yes, the prosecution said it was left behind by our client. Why?” “Well, I've noticed that our client only ever wears silk, linin or cotton designer shirts. Never polyester, so why would he have been wearing a polyester shirt that day? Is it possible that our client is allergic to polyester?” Elle looked at Marinette and smiled. “Why didn't I see that? They're not even the same size! Our client is at least 10 pounds heavier than the new boyfriend!” Marinette nodded then added, “Even if he had been wearing the shirt, it would sit differently on him causing the blood splatter pattern to be different. I know he doesn't have an alibi that can be proven and that this is a long shot but can we please check?” Elle agreed quickly and soon it was proven to have been impossible for their client to have done it. Something more caught Marinette's attention when the man, the new boyfriend, muttered something in French while still on the stand. The judge noticed Marinette's head shoot up with wide eye's and saw Marinette frantically write something down on her notepad and hand it to Elle. “Councillor Woods, your student seems to have something to add would you let her do so?” The Judge asked. Elle nodded and brought Marinette forward. The judge looked at Marinette and motioned for Marinette to speak. Marinette took a deep breath, “I'm sure you didn't mean for the mike to pick up what you just muttered in French but would you please repeat it so that the court can hear it?” The man narrowed his eyes but repeated his sentence quite calmly, he was relaxed as he thought that no-one in the room could French. His confidence took a hit however when Marinette smiled. “If it may please the court, what he just said translates to: 'This worked before, why did it fail this time?' I know you might not believe me but as everything is being recorded I beg of you to confirm my translation with other people who speak french.” The judge looked at her thoughtfully, then spoke: “How do you understand French?” Marinette was confused, “I thought my accent would have given that away, your honour. I am French. I grew up in France speaking French.” At her innocent statement, the witness exploded. “Why the hell he even come home that day the ex was meant to fetching some stupid MDC brand clothes that would never have suited me but that my boyfriend insisted we give back. He wasn't even meant to be home!” The court fell silent, then everyone started speaking all at once. The case got thrown out in much the same way Elle's first case had been and the other three students were stunned. “How did you know?” They demanded, rounding on Marinette as soon as they entered the room that they had all been using. Even Elle was a little curious she had to admit.” “What do you mean? If you talking about the allergy to polyester it was in one of the courses I took for my fashion degree that designers have to be careful to take textile allergies into account when designing.” Elle looked at her. “I knew you studied fashion, but so did I before I attended Harvard and that wasn't in any of my classes.” “I studied to be a fashion designer at ESMOD before I came here. I aim to be able to represent people in abusive relationships to help them get out of those situations. If I want to do that pro-bono I needed to have something else that I could do in order to support myself financially.” Her voice was innocent and honest but they could see the passion in her eyes as she spoke. “Why that area?” Marinette smiled again but this time it was a sad smile. “I grew up in Paris while a man called Hawkmoth was terrorising everyone to the point that people were locking away their feeling simply to stay safe. I saw several people get targetted simply because they were afraid of their partner for one reason or another. Sometimes they were able to get help to get out, but sometimes they weren't. Some of those that weren't couldn't get out because of not being able to afford a lawyer and I want to be able to help those that fall into that category.” For the first time since they met her, her classmates were quiet. They had thought she was there to get the attention of a rich guy who would support her. Elle smiled at Marinette's reason for studying law too then a thought hit her. “Wait, Marinette Dupain-Cheng, MDC, you're MDC aren't you?” Marinette laughed and nodded before answering. “Yes, I am but I wanted to be treated like an equal so I didn't advertise that fact.” Again her three classmates were stunned. This clumsy girl was a world-famous designer? How had they missed that? Elle seemed to get a little more flustered with each moment that passed. “But that means... And you know...” “Ms Woods, are you alright?” Marinette said quietly. “I'm still the same person you thought I was a moment ago. I'm still clumsy and prone to having anxiety attacks if I'm not careful. I'm human just like everyone else.” Technically she wasn't 100% human anymore due to being a miraculous wielder but no-one needed to know that. Eventually, Elle calmed down and thanked them for their help during the case. Their professors would be getting a copy of her reports on how they did as soon as she was finished them. She also promised that she would leave what she know knew about Marinette out of her report. She also wouldn't let that knowledge influence her report in any way. Eventually, Marinette graduated from Harvard, however before going back to France to set up her practice she decided to visit her long term pen-pal in Achu. Ali had been delighted when she arrived and soon Marinette had changed her mind about where she would set up her practice, deciding to stay in Achu full time. Her practice soon flourished as did her design business. However, the thing that flourished most of all was her relationship with Ali. What had started as a friendship and continued when they had agreed to email each other had grown into love without either of them noticing it. They kept their growing relationship out of the news and when they had decided to get married they made sure that news was kept silent too. It was on a rather warm Friday morning that Marinette got an email that she wasn't sure she wanted to answer. She had been invited to her 15-year school reunion. She spoke to Ali and they decided she would schedule a photo shoot in France that week and he would deal with several appointments there too and they would attend. She knew that she would be able to leave at any time so she wasn't too worried about that, however, she was 4 months pregnant, and she wanted to be careful. The photoshoots went well and it was finally the day of the reunion. Marinette decided to wear one of her designs, a simple navy-blue jumpsuit with a mandarin collar, embroidered with a geometric design in shades of blue that made the suit shimmer beautifully as she walked. She paired it with kitten heels, glad that her pregnancy wasn't showing

or affecting her balance in any way yet. Tikki had said that that was normal for all miraculous holders but Marinette still tended to err on the side of caution. When she arrived she saw that it wasn't just her old class that was there, which she was happy about. She had instantly gone to talk to Marc as she didn't want to deal with Alya or any of the others. This strategy had worked until Lila spotted her and decided to make a big scene about her being there. “I was invited Lila, I can pull up the email if you want me to and I can show you a printed copy if you still doubt me.” Marinette's voice was calm as she spoke. “Why would we want you here?” Alya spat. “She's allowed to go where ever she likes Alya, she's an adult.” Marinette turned to the sound of the male voice that had spoken. “Adrian,” she said calmly, giving him a nod of greeting. He was about to say more but Marinette's phone suddenly went off. She frowned then answered it appearing confused. She kept her conversation brief however in the time she was of the phone Lila had spun yet more lies about her. “It looks like somethings never change,” she said with a sigh. “What would a whore like you know?” Alya demanded. “Firstly, my wife isn't a whore. Secondly, as a major name in the fashion industry you'd think you would know better as any time she is seen out and about her name ends up plastered all over the papers.” Marinette leaned back into Ali's arms as he spoke, having felt him come to stand behind her earlier. “Ali,” she heard Rose gasp “But, Lila said...” “I do not know any Lila.” Ali interrupted sternly. “I don't know what she told you but I'd never even heard of her before you emailed me full of stories about her. Stories that a simple google search would and did disprove. It is due to those that I cut contact with you and blocked any further attempts you made to contact me.” Having said his bit, he looked down at Marinette who nodded. They ignored the shouting match that erupted behind them, opting to simply go back to their hotel room. Life would carry on either way and they knew they had a life with their growing family to look forward to.

9 - The weight of being the Guardian

AO3

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Chapter 9 - Comfort 

The cold air of the night blew Ladybug’s bangs as she soared through the Parisian sky but did nothing to relieve the tightness in her chest. She knew she had made a mistake.

After Chat Noir had left she started patrol alone. She couldn’t say she was actually patrolling because she wasn’t paying attention to anything other than the chaotic thoughts inside her head. She had replayed their conversation over and over again. She had handled the situation poorly. He made good points about Multimouse and all she did was give a lame excuse and accuse him. She whined remembering that part and stopped, pressing her back to a chimney. Why had she done that?

Her feelings were all over the place. Everything that had happened in the last three weeks was overwhelming. Tikki and Wayzz could only do so much, especially if she didn’t tell them everything. Ladybug inhaled and exhaled deeply trying to steady her emotions. She wondered if Hawkmoth would even be able to pick one to concentrate on.

Her mind went to Adrien. They had talked about methods of keeping their emotions in check and he surely needed to watch himself now. She looked at her surroundings; she wasn’t far from his house. Maybe she should check on him.

The lights were on but he wasn’t in the room. From his window sill, she looked over Paris for any signs of an Akuma and saw nothing. As she returned her attention to his room a very angry Plagg stared her down.

“What were you thinking to say that to him?” The kwami crossed his arms in front of his tiny body.

“I’m sorry, Plagg. I wasn’t thinking straight.” Ladybug lowered her head not accustomed to being looked like that by a kwami. Plagg was so different from Tikki and Wayzz. Tikki sometimes got angry but her face was so cute that it barely counted.

“It’s not to me that you have to apologize.”

“Can I talk to him?” she asked tentatively.

Plagg sighed and floated aside to let her in. “I’ll let you, but if you dare hurt him again…” He didn’t finish his sentence as he went towards Adrien’s bathroom phasing through the door.

The two minutes that took to Adrien step out of the door felt like an eternity to Ladybug. She was both eager to see him and afraid to make things worse. Her heart thudded painfully fast against her ribcage, and it was getting hard to breathe. The open window was tempting. She was considering leaving when his voice sounded behind her.

“Plagg said you wanted to talk.” His cold voice matched the aloofness on his face.

Ladybug actually considered his demeanor a blessing considering that everything else in him at the moment would have fried her brain. He was fresh from the shower, barefoot, hands tucked into the pockets of not so loose grey sweatpants, white tank top, and unkempt damp hair. She carefully kept her gaze on his face avoiding his dangerous figure.

“I wanted to apologize for what I said,” she said crossing her arms hugging her middle. “I don’t really think that you’d put anyone in danger because of your feelings. It’s just… sometimes it feels that you don’t even think before you act and…”

“Really? Because I do. My power is tricky, one wrong move and I can cause great damage. You should know that since you cataclysmed a sentimonster without analyzing first.” She was caught off guard by that but recognized that he was right. “It may not seem but I don’t take unnecessary risks. It’s my job to protect you so you can fix everything. And I always will, regardless of my feelings for you. I act when there’s the need to. Sometimes it doesn’t go well. But what can I do? I’m not perfect. I make mistakes,” he stated.

“I do too. And big ones.” She averted her eyes from his face.

“That’s why I got so mad. We’ve both made mistakes, so why are you condemning Marinette for a small mistake? I don’t mind the things you said about me but I do care about what you said about her. And don’t think it’s because of my feelings, it’s not. When you compared her to Chloe. God. Do you know how different they are? They’re basically opposites.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry is not enough. I want an answer, Ladybug. Unless you give me a reasonable reason for why she can’t get the miraculous back I won’t understand you.”

He waited for her answer, but she couldn’t find one. Where was her capacity of making things up on the spot? After a couple of minutes of silence, he walked towards the window resting his forearm on the glass above his head.

She cast a glance at Plagg on Adrien’s desk. The look on his face said that he wouldn’t hesitate to cataclysm her if she said the wrong thing. She let her body slump on the couch, a sob escaping her throat. When did she start crying?

She heard Adrien sighing and felt the couch give in beside her, his hand softly landing on her shoulder.

“If you don’t tell me what’s going on I can’t help you. I can’t read your mind, you know?” There was a hint of teasing in his voice which brought another sob out of her.

“I’m so tired of having to be strong.” Her voice was strangled and muffled by her hand. She didn’t see Adrien sharing a look with Plagg in a way of asking him to watch for any purple butterfly. What she felt was his arms encircling her shoulder and bringing her closer to him.

“Tell me when you’re ready.” He held her patiently waiting for her to speak. He might be comforting her but his question still hung between them.

“I don’t feel prepared to be a guardian. I’m so scared to bring other people into this. Hawkmoth knows each one of our allies.”

“He doesn’t know…”

She didn’t let him say what she already knew he would. Ladybug hoped that what she was going to say made sense. Her brain felt mushy, tension was building up inside her skull causing a dull pain.

“I can’t put her in danger. All of them were her friends. He could figure her out. He could figure you out.”

Adrien thought for a minute and sighed “I guess you’re right. I don’t want to put her in danger either. I understand your fears... But I think you’ll be a great guardian, just give yourself time.”

“I thought I would have time to prepare for this. Master Fu was training me.” She tried to pull away but Adrien didn’t let her. So she buried her face into his chest fisting the white cotton. “I miss him so much. It’s hard that I don’t have anyone to ask for advice.”

“Isn’t Wayzz helping you? Plagg said he was.”

“He does what he can, but kwamis are not privy on the miraculous secrets in case they fall in the wrong hands.”

“It makes sense” Adrien complied.

“I’m afraid that if something happens to me you don’t have who to turn to? It’s just you and me.”

“I… I haven’t thought about that…” he said tightening his grip on her as if afraid she would disappear at that very moment.

“Wayzz said that I can’t tell you who I am. But what if I get incapacitate to fight and you need other people to help you like when Party Crasher caught me?”

“Maybe you could tell Plagg where to find the miraculous box and how to open it since he knows who you are. Would that be a problem?” Ladybug shook her head, as long as Plagg was with Adrien it wouldn’t. “Would you be able to do that, Plagg?”

“Yeah. I would,” he answered skeptically.

She had a feeling that Plagg didn’t agree with Wayzz about keeping her identity a secret. He really seemed to like Adrien a lot. “When I got here I thought you’d kick me out. Why are you being so nice?” she asked looking up at him.

“I have my moments of anger and I don’t like to be left in the dark but I believe that talking is the best way to solve our problems. I was worried about you. I know that you’ve been through a lot lately.”

She felt guilty. She was still hiding things from him; her feelings for him to start with and Chat Blanc. Should she tell him about it? Would that be wise?

“I wish I could share more things with you,” her voice was small as she fought back more tears.

“And I wish I could be there for you whenever you needed, but it can’t be. So let me help you when it’s possible. Let me take care of you, My Lady.”

The softness in his voice and the nickname that she missed so much broke down her defenses. She cried as he held her tightly rubbing circles on her back. Little by little her sobs died down and for the first time in weeks, she felt that she wasn’t alone in this. She let herself enjoy the comfort of his arms. The safeness of his embrace.

When she opened her eyes again, she was faced with blinding sunlight. As consciousness slowly kicked in she realized that she was still in Adrien’s bedroom; on his bed to be exact. She raised her arm and noticed with relief that she was still transformed.

A look to the sides proved that Adrien wasn’t anywhere to be seen. She got up to check his couch. He was there, facing the back of the couch with a pillow over his head. No doubt bothered by the light coming from the glass wall. She stood there for a while deciding whether she should wake him up. It was a school morning after all.

She didn’t miss the opportunity to check him out, though. The soft fabric clung to his body in a way that she wasn’t sure she would be able to see again, at least not in person and so openly.

“You should take a pic. It lasts longer,” he said lifting the pillow from his face showing a smug smile.

“I was deciding if I should wake you up,” she sputtered.

“Oh, I don't think so. I saw the way you looked at me last night. I would bet that you buy the magazines I’m in just to admire me,” he said laughing as she reached for the pillow and tried to hit him with it.

“Your naughty cat.” Adrien put his hands in front of him to block her.

“You’re not so immune to my charms as you say. At least not on this side of the mask.” He jumped over the back of the couch as she tried to hit him again.

“Come back here,” she said angrily as how right he was.

“Shh, you don’t want Nathalie to find you here, do you?”

Ladybug stopped in her tracks “No, of course not. I need to go home anyway.” There was something inside her that didn’t want him to win that. She recalled their conversation after Troublemaker. “You know, I do have some pictures of you, under my mattress.” She smirked triumphantly when he gasped in surprise and blushed a little.

“There are pictures of other guys too, right?”

“Naturally.” It wasn’t a lie. She had put some pictures of Master Fu there. She liked to look at them when things got too difficult. “I need to go, Adrien. Thank you for everything.”

“We’re friends and partners. I’ll always be here for you. Just talk to me.” He gave her a kind smile.

“I will. Bye, Kitty.”

When she neared the window he called her out. “Ladybug.”

“Yeah.”

“How did you know it was Marinette… the girl I like? I’m sure I didn’t say her name.” He looked confused and so did she. She knew it was Marinette due to the circumstances, but he hadn’t said her name.

“You said you talked to the girl before you talked to your best friend.” She thanked the good night of sleep that she had for her brain to be working again. “I saw you talking to Marinette right before Nino arrived at the park. I was nearby and… well, I assumed it was her.”

“I feel like I should lecture you for assuming things. But I’ll let that pass.” He chuckled. “I should start getting ready for school. Bye… My Lady.”

“See you around.”

See you at school, she thought as she jumped from his window.

Crash and Burn: Chapter 1: Inferno

Everyone in Paris had always assumed that if Hawkmoth were to die, it would be mid-battle with the superheroes, or maybe in a jail cell years down the road, after being defeated. No one expected him to die suddenly in a car crash on a sunny afternoon.

Least of all, his son.

links in the reblog

                                                                                            oi staff where’s the page break line

Adrien was pulled out of class at two fifteen Wednesday afternoon and driven straight to the hospital by a solemn-faced Officer Raincomprix.

"There was a car accident," Sabrina's father told him as they drove. "Your father was coming back from a meeting with an investor and when they were crossing an intersection, another car crashed into his. At the moment, it seems that a mechanical failure from the other car is to blame, but we're still investigating, of course."

Adrien could only swallow and nod. "And my father?"

Officer Raincomprix swallowed hard as they came to a stop at a stoplight. "I'm sorry, Adrien. He didn't make it."

The bottom dropped out of Adrien's stomach as he stared at the officer in disbelief. His father. Gone.

The rest of the ride went by in a blur, and then Officer Raincomprix was escorting Adrien inside the hospital, handing him over to a nurse before leaving. Adrien had to wonder why they had even bothered bringing him here- if his father was dead, what was the point? They weren't going to make him look at the body, were they?- instead of just telling him at the school and bringing him home.

Adrien felt sick at the thought of having to look at his father's body. He didn't need his last image of his father to be dead and broken. Not that his current last image was exactly top-notch, either- he and his father had gotten into an argument that morning (as per normal these days, honestly), and of course his father hadn't been home for lunch- but at least his father had been alive then.

Thankfully, they didn't show him any bodies right away. Instead, they brought him to a small, private waiting room and a staff member asked a few questions- did Adrien know how his father wanted to be buried, were there other family members around, did he want to see his father before the coroner took him away (no, no, and definitely no)- before handing Adrien a handful of pamphlets for funeral homes and grief counselors. Adrien took them, feeling more than a little overwhelmed.

Surely he wasn't going to be expected to make all of the arrangements. Maybe he was almost an adult- he would be turning eighteen in the fall, and that was less than half a year off- but he was still in school, he had end-of-year exams to prepare for, and he had never felt like less of an adult in his life.

"Since you're underage, we can send over a specialist to help you make arrangements," the head nurse told him. "They're familiar with the process and can guide you through it. That doesn't have to happen right away, though, since you'll need some time to process everything." She patted his hand as she stood up. "I think that's almost everything. Another nurse will be in soon to give you a few more things. If you think of any questions, you can ask her."

Adrien just nodded, turning the pamphlets over in his hands as she left. They were much more cheerful than seemed fitting, considering that the people that would be looking at them had recently had someone die on them. Maybe some people would have been expecting it- if people were very old, or very sick- but he had thought that his father would be around for a while still.

But in a screech of tires and crash of metal, that was gone.

Before Adrien could say anything, the door opened again and another nurse came in. She was carrying a large box under her arm. She shut the door behind her, then turned to Adrien.

"Adrien, I'm sorry for your loss," the new nurse told him, shutting the door behind her. "But we wanted to get this to you- it's all things of your father's, some things that the police collected and others that we took from the body here."

Adrien numbly took the box from the nurse, glancing inside. Some things had been on his father's person, while others had clearly been recovered from the wrecked car before it was hauled away. There were papers from the glove compartment, Adrien could tell, and his father's briefcase and wallet, and a handful of loose odds and ends. Most were things that he recognized or at least that made sense- his father's watch, a notepad, the keys for the house, a handful of now-stained fabric swatches.

All except for one thing, an odd purple pin that he could just barely see under everything else. Adrien balanced the box on the chair next to him as he reached in, curiously tugging the pin up out of the rest of the things so that he could get a better look at it.

The moment he did, he regretted it.

He had never seen the brooch before in person, of course. But he had seen pictures of it, drawings done by the temple monks and kept by Master Fu, and the muted thrum of power running through it left absolutely no doubt in Adrien's mind as to what it was- the Butterfly Miraculous.

The Butterfly Miraculous, which his father had had. His father had been Hawkmoth. Hawkmoth, who Adrien had been fighting as Chat Noir for several years now.

And now he was dead.

Adrien let the Miraculous drop back into the box, back into the mess of paperwork and keys and everyday things. It lay there, staring Adrien in the face. He stared back, trying to make sense- any sense- of the discovery.

He had known that his father wasn't a particularly good person. Gabriel Agreste had been strict and overbearing past any reasonable point. He had been controlling and demanding and demeaning, judgmental and quick to dismiss people without regard to their feelings. He was exactly the kind of person that Adrien would imagine a supervillain to be, so Adrien wasn't sure why he was so surprised.

Adrien had been living in the same house as his arch enemy for years.

"There were two other people in the car," the nurse said suddenly, pulling Adrien out of his spinning thoughts. "A Gerald Alekseev and a Nathalie Sancoeur. I've been told that they've worked for your family for years. Mr. Alekseev had a broken arm but no other major injuries, as he was on the far side of the car when it was hit. Ms. Sancoeur has gone into surgery."

"Can I see her once she comes out?" Adrien asked at once, suddenly possessed by the urge to talk to Nathalie and see what she knew. Because she had to know about his father, right? There was no way that she could have missed it, not when the two of them had worked together and she was in charge of scheduling him. "...are her injuries bad?"

The nurse hesitated. "They... well, we'll know more once the surgery is done. As for seeing her... I suppose, if you make it quick. She probably won't be very alert for a while."

"I'll be fast," Adrien promised, knowing that he would only have a couple questions. If she had known about his father's supervillain activities, he wouldn't want to talk to her. If she miraculously didn't know, then he would leave her to rest. "Will it be long?"

This time, the only answer that he got was a shrug.

The nurse vanished, and Adrien turned his attention back to the butterfly brooch in the box. Part of him hoped that it was simply a fake, a replica, something modeled off of the pin in his father's Miraculous book, but no matter how much he hoped, there was no fooling himself. His father hadn't made other replicas, after all, and why would he be wearing one of them even if he had?

Besides, he had felt the power in that Miraculous when he held it, and it had felt just like when he had handled other dormant Miraculous while handing them out. There was no mistaking that feeling.

"Plagg, what do I do?" Adrien asked quietly, slumping into the chair next to the box. "What am I meant to do now?"

Plagg poked his head out. "Huh? Didn't that nurse say to wait until Nathalie is out of surgery? Just sit, then."

"No, not about that. About this." Adrien reached into the box for the brooch again, lifting it out just far enough for Plagg to see. This time, he could see some blood on the Miraculous. "Hawkmoth is gone. What- I won't have to give you up, will I?"

Plagg hissed in surprise. "That's- that's Nooroo's Miraculous! Oh- oh god, kid, that's- not great news to find out right now. Uh." He paused, and Adrien could feel him fidgeting as he tried to come up with an answer. "...uh, tell Ladybug, maybe? But there's no rush right now, at least. The danger has passed. But we should try to find the Peacock. Your father must have it somewhere."

Adrien felt sick. He had forgotten that there was another Miraculous on Hawkmoth's side. It had belonged to the elusive Mayura, and- well, who could that be? They hadn't seen the Peacock often- and in the past couple years, it only came into play every couple months, far less frequently than she had when Mayura initially appeared- which suggested that there was maybe some drawback to using it- Master Fu had thought that he had remembered something about a possible curse on that Miraculous- and it could be anywhere.

Except...it really couldn't.

His father wouldn't have worked with just anyone, Adrien knew that. It would have been somebody who he trusted, who was loyal enough to not tell anyone about his supervillain activities and to even join him in those activities. And that narrowed it down to... well, just one person, really. And that one person was currently in surgery.

Oh, god. He was really going to be sick.

"Kid. Kid, focus." Adrien felt something small kicking his cheek and turned to see Plagg floating right next to him. "One thing at a time. I'm not a mind reader. Talk."

Adrien let out a breath, trying to center himself like Master Fu had taught him. It was harder than ever before, since he had never had to deal with anything this serious. "My father is dead."

"How do you feel about that? Ignoring all other factors at the moment."

Adrien tried to think about it. He and his father had had an increasingly rocky relationship over the past couple of years, with his father trying to restrict his freedom and Adrien doing his best to rebel. "Shocked. I wasn't expecting it- not that anyone can expect it, really. I don't- I don't know if I'm sad. I just- I don't know. I thought that one day, I would move out and maybe stop talking to him, but he would still be there. He would still exist, if I ever felt the need for some sort of closure." Adrien sniffed, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve. "Now what am I supposed to do, go have an argument with a gravestone?"

Plagg snorted. "You could. Or a portrait, you certainly have enough of those around the house. Okay, so next discovery- the Butterfly Miraculous."

"My father was Hawkmoth, there's no other way to interpret that." Adrien frowned and wiped away another tear before it could fall. "He decided to become a supervillain. He endangered me a lot, even ignoring the times when I was Chat Noir. There were akumas who went after Adrien. If I ignore who he was to me and just think that Hawkmoth is dead- that's a good thing. I was getting really sick of akuma fights interrupting my day. And the public will wonder. Ladybug and I will have to make an announcement." Adrien groaned. "That's going to be fun."

"Okay, ignore your superhero duties for a moment," Plagg ordered. "You and Ladybug are a team. She can handle the press. And that doesn't have to happen right away, like you said. If you don't think that you'll be able to handle a press conference, then have her make an excuse for you. You can be 'out of town' to the public. Though I would recommend that you at least tell her why you don't want to be there."

Adrien frowned, puzzled. "So I should tell her who I am?"

Plagg rolled his eyes at Adrien. "Not necessarily. Not if you don't want to do it right away. You can tell her that your father was Hawkmoth without saying who he was and who you are. Because, kid... if you tell the public that Gabriel Agreste was Hawkmoth, you're going to have that hanging over your head for the rest of your life. There'll be people who only see you as Hawkmoth's son. He's dead. It'll only punish you."

Adrien ducked his head. Plagg had a point, but at the same time it just didn't seem right. His father's legacy would continue untarnished, with people looking up to him and calling him a great man, and he didn't deserve that.

But Adrien didn't want to be known as Hawkmoth's son, either.

"If it makes you feel better, I bet that Ladybug will say the same thing," Plagg continued. "She'll see the sense in it. If she doesn't, we can go to Fu. Or we can go to Fu first. Whatever."

Adrien nodded. He would feel better about it if another, less biased superheroes could make the final call for him. "I- I can handle that."

Plagg looked pleased. "Good. Now- you freaked on me when I mentioned the Peacock."

"Nathalie is Mayura," Adrien told him. "She's the only person that makes sense. I saw her as a second mom. I can't- I can't believe that she would do that."

"On the plus side, at least she should know all of the answers that you're looking for," Plagg offered weakly after a second. "Though they might not be the answers that you were hoping to hear."

Adrien snorted. "Yeah, I think that's a given."

It took several hours before Nathalie was awake and alert enough to have visitors. In that time, Adrien had started to get messages from his friends- calls and texts and voice messages, starting out curious and then turning concerned as the news broke that Gabriel Agreste was dead. Adrien glanced at them, starting to feel overwhelmed all over again. There were so many of them, and it wasn't that their support was unappreciated, but he just- he just couldn't.

He shut off his phone.

"In the past, I've seen people appoint one person to share the news with others," Plagg said from where he was curled up in Adrien's hair. "Then you don't have to repeat the same thing over and over a bunch of times, because that person will take care of it for you. And then they can deal with all of the questions instead of having you get overwhelmed."

Adrien nodded. That made sense. "I might have Nino do that, but not...not right now. I can't yet."

"You might want to send a message before you leave here so that you don't get home to a million people waiting for you." Plagg burrowed into Adrien's hair. "That would be even worse. If you want, I can type up the message."

Adrien couldn't help but feel nearly swept away with gratitude for Plagg. Normally his kwami was grumpy and demanding, but he knew when Adrien needed his support and adjusted his attitude accordingly. "Thanks, Plagg."

"M. Sancoeur can see you for a couple minutes," a nurse told Adrien, popping her head out of Nathalie's room. "But not for long, surgery is never fun. We would never normally do this, but since you lost your father..."

Adrien just nodded and headed in.

Nathalie was not in good shape. She was bruised and covered in bandages, her hair a mess and a distinctly un-Nathalie-like look on her face. She was hooked up to all sorts of tubes and machines, things beeping and whirring as they constantly monitored her condition. She looked up when he entered, confusion on her face. "Adrien?"

"Did they already tell you about Father?" Adrien asked as the nurse excused herself, closing the door behind herself and leaving Adrien and Nathalie alone. "They said he didn't make it."

Nathalie sucked in a breath, then let it out, slumping into the bed as her eyes closed. "Right. I- can see that. The car hit him directly. I'm sorry, Adrien."

"S'not your fault." Adrien shifted from foot to foot, uncertain, before deciding to jump right in to his actual questions. He didn't know when the nurses would come back and escort him out, and he needed answers. "They gave me his things."

Nathalie just nodded.

"I found the Butterfly Miraculous."

This time, he got a reaction. Nathalie's head whipped to the side, her eyes wide. She slumped when she saw the look on his face. "I don't suppose I can convince you that it's just a model?"

"I felt the power in it."

Nathalie only sighed. "Right."

"He was Hawkmoth and you're Mayura, aren't you?" Adrien demanded. "I know you are, there's no one else Father would have trusted."

"I- yes," Nathalie admitted, more readily than Adrien would have expected. He suspected that the painkillers from the surgery probably played a part. "I was Mayura. The Miraculous is cursed, or broken, or- I don't know. It couldn't be used often, not without serious consequences. You- your mom used it too much, and she fell into a cursed coma. Nothing we could do would break it, which is why your father wanted the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculous. He led me to believe that that was the only solution. I thought that I was getting all of the information that he knew, so that I could make an informed decision. And… I missed Emilie, too. I wanted to help her."

Adrien's legs nearly buckled under him. His mom had been tangled up in this, too? No. He didn't- he didn't want to believe that.

Nathalie kept talking, her voice in an emotionless monotone. "Once your father started talking about using potions and spells to expand his powers, I started questioning that. I had already transformed as Mayura a few times already at that point, going along with him to the battles. Then he finally shared his theory about a Guardian of the Miraculous that he could track down and interrogate to unlock more powers and get more Miraculous, and I- I wanted him to back down on the akumas and focus on finding the Guardian, to see if he could cure Emilie without using the ultimate power. I knew by that time that there would be a cost to the power- he hadn't let me know that before- and it wouldn't be good. And I knew that Emilie would never have approved of that. She was a flawed person, sure…but she had her limits."

Adrien could vaguely feel Plagg patting his head as he stared at Nathalie, trying his best to not collapse to the ground.

"He refused. He thought that there was nothing that a Guardian could do on their own, and the ultimate power was the only option. Besides, the Guardian was proving hard to find and Emilie was declining fast. We argued about it, and I refused to transform for several months. And then... she died."

Plagg stilled very suddenly.

"Then the ultimate power was the only option, and I knew that Emilie wouldn't have wanted us to use it. Whatever the cost was- it would be high, and she would have hated us for even considering it. I argued with Gabriel, trying to get him to stop, because I thought that was what she would have wanted. He refused. We never- we never got along quite the same after that." Nathalie's voice had gotten quieter. Clearly she was exhausted. "So I started playing up the effects that using the Peacock had on me, so that I wouldn't have to transform as often." She sighed, sinking into her pillows as her eyes drifted shut. Her voice was a barely audible murmur. "If he had shared the information about spells and a Guardian earlier, I still think- I still think it could have gone differently."

Before Adrien could say anything- before he could even gather his thoughts enough to even think of what to say- a nurse knocked at the door before opening it and sticking her head in. "Adrien, we should probably leave Ms. Sancoeur to rest now."

Numbly, Adrien headed out of the room. The nurse guided him towards the exit, where a taxi waited. It whisked him back home, where, miraculously, nobody was waiting for him at the gates.

"I texted Nino on the way out," Plagg told Adrien once he had paid the driver and was headed inside. "He said once you're ready for company to let him know right away, but they'll give you your space ."

"I don't think I'm anywhere near ready." Adrien headed across the atrium, setting the box of his father's things down on a decorative chair and fishing the Butterfly out before heading into his father's office. "I just- Father is dead. Nathalie was a supervillain, too. I- I suspected that Mom was dead, too, after there weren't any leads for years and years, but I just got confirmation of that. And what was she using the Miraculous for? It doesn't make sense!"

Plagg flew down to perch on the Butterfly Miraculous. "I could pull out Nooroo. He would know, probably. And he would know where the Peacock is being kept. We need to recover Duusu and help him."

Adrien set the Miraculous down on the desk, falling into Nathalie's desk chair and burying his face in his hands. He sat there for several seconds, trying to even out his breathing.

There was so much to do. He had to tell Ladybug about Hawkmoth and they had to tell Paris, he had to find the Peacock and bring it to Master Fu, he had to get to the bottom of this whole mess and figure out the whole truth, the truth that had been kept from him for so long. He had to make burial arrangements for his father and would be expected to set up a funeral, too, and probably talk at it, and that- that was the last thing that he wanted to do. Then there would no doubt be things to get straightened out with the company, and he would have to deal with the whole running the household thing, and-

"One step at a time, kid," Plagg told him. "We'll find the Peacock, and Ladybug can take on the rest of the superhero stuff from there. I'm positive that she'll volunteer, if you just tell her that Hawkmoth was your father. If you don't think your father deserves a funeral- and I can't blame you there- then don't. Your father will probably have lawyers who will take care of the burial, and same with the company. And you aren't eighteen- there's no way that the city will make you take over the household. Maybe there'll be all sorts of annoying legal stuff for you to sign off on, but that's it."

Adrien managed a smile. "Since when are you the voice of reason?"

Plagg just sniffed. "Kid, I am a god. Are you really going to question me?"

                                                                                             oi staff where’s the page break line

 It wasn't hard to pull Nooroo out. In fact, it was the best part of Adrien's day so far. Seeing the formerly captive kwami pop into existence, spot Plagg, and shoot across the room cheering to glomp the cat god several meters back in the air put a smile on Adrien's face.

And Nooroo came with some good news: while Nathalie had gone along with Gabriel Agreste at first, she had been telling the truth when she said that she hadn't known all the details at first and then had tried to back out as much as she could by lying to Mr. Agreste and claiming that the Peacock was having much worse effects on her than it actually was. It had been a dangerous gamble- after all, the Butterfly could sense emotions- but she had managed it.

Nooroo also knew where to find the damaged Peacock, along with a number of journals that both of Adrien's parents had kept. Adrien dove into them at once, deciding that it was best to learn everything else right away instead of putting it off. It was better to rip off a band-aid quickly, after all.

Several hours later- many hours later- when the sun was starting to peek over the horizon again and Paris was starting to stir for a new day- Adrien was regretting the decision. A lot.

If he hadn't read the journals, he would have wondered why his mom had used the Miraculous, but he would have at least had his memories of her left, untarnished and comforting. Instead, he had read, and read, and read, and...

His parents had been planning on using the Miraculous to help advance themselves, to advance the company and take and take and take, not being content with what they had. His mom had been part of it, a willing participant according to what she had written in the journals. She had been the one to work out several spells from the grimoire to boost the Miraculous' powers, and then it was one of those spells that sent her into a coma when the cursed Peacock Miraculous took too much energy from her body.

His mom had been putting on a face for him. What Adrien remembered- it wasn't truly her. Not according to the journals. Not if he was understanding the journal entries right.

"Kid, you gotta at least try to sleep," Plagg said, appearing in front of Adrien's face when he moved to reach back towards the first journal, because what if he had misunderstood something? What if he was seeing something there that wasn't true? His memories of his mom couldn't all just be a show on her part, could they? Maybe his father had manipulated her, and that was why she had acted the way she had with the Miraculous, or he had misunderstood- "Put the journals down, take the Miraculous with you, and go lay down. Seriously."

It was not a good idea to try to argue with a tiny cheese-scented god. Adrien went, but he couldn't fall asleep. He stared at the ceiling, mind completely blank.

His entire life had been flipped under him. How was he meant to process that?

The day passed with a few hours of troubled sleep, interrupted by some listless picking at food. By the time dusk fell again, Adrien knew that he had to get things off of his chest before he could get any further in processing. He had to tell someone about his father being Hawkmoth.

(Well. Someone besides Plagg, that was.)

And that meant that Plagg had to contact Ladybug's kwami so that his partner would know that he wanted to meet up. Plagg did so without complaint or bargaining for more cheese, which, well. It was strange, but Adrien knew that his kwami was doing his best to be nice.

He just wished that- well, that it wasn't because of the circumstances.

It wasn't long before Plagg got a message in return, that Ladybug had to finish something up but she would be transformed in a couple minutes and would meet him in the usual spot. Adrien paced for a few minutes- he didn't want to transform early and then spend the time anxiously treading circles in their favorite beam of the Eiffel Tower, getting progressively more anxious with every minute that passed. It was much better to wait a few minutes, then get there after Ladybug did.

Plagg kicked him out the window after five minutes had passed, zipping into the ring and forcing the transformation. Chat Noir headed out, far quieter than he usually was. It didn't take long to cross the city, vaulting across streets and using the cover of night to make sure that no one spotted him and tried to wave him down for a picture or an autograph.

Normally he was more than willing to accommodate those kinds of requests. But this...this wasn't normal.

Chat Noir swallowed when he reached the bottom of the tower and spotted Ladybug, perched up high on the Eiffel Tower in their favorite spot. She was clearly scanning the city for threats while she waited for him, looking for anything out of the ordinary.

She wouldn't find anything. The time for akumas had passed, and now it was time to let her know that. He took one more steadying breath and then launched himself up into the air to join her.

Ladybug heard him land at once. She bounced to her feet in one graceful move, coming over to join him. Worry was written all over her lovely face. "Chat Noir! Is everything all right? Tikki said that she was getting some really weird emotions from Plagg. I've been so worried."

Chat Noir managed a smile for her. "The two of us are all right. But..." He took a deep breath, readying himself to tell her. "My father died suddenly. There- there was an accident."

Ladybug's expression turned distressed in a heartbeat and she reached out for him. "Oh, kitty!"

"That's not even the worst part," Chat Noir added, watching his partner's expression turn confused. He reached into his suit's pocket. "When the hospital gave me his things, this was on him."

He pulled out the Butterfly Miraculous. It took a second, and then Ladybug recognized the pin. Her expression dropped and she flung herself at him, wrapping him up in a hug at once. "He was Hawkmoth! Oh, Chat Noir, that's terrible!"

"Yeah, it was a bit of a shocker," Chat Noir agreed, resting his head against Ladybug's. "Two shocks within the span of about thirty minutes. And it gets worse."

Ladybug looked positively distressed. "Worse?"

"Yep." Chat Noir reached into his pocket again and Ladybug leaned back enough to see the cursed Peacock sitting in his hand. "Mayura was a- a friend of the family. She went along with his plan at first, but according to both her and Nooroo, she was a lot more reluctant maybe halfway through, when she realized that what my father wanted could have been accomplished another way."

"What he wanted to accomplish?"

Chat Noir winced. "Yeah. And that's the worst part. My mom used the Peacock- apparently she had some not-so-great intentions, too, really selfish ones- and got cursed, going into a coma and continuing to decline. He wanted to undo the curse. Na- Mayura realized that instead of using the ultimate power, which she didn't think my mom would want, they could have tried asking the Guardian to undo the curse. My father apparently was too stuck in his ways at that point and refused. And several months after that, it was too late for anything but the ultimate power to work and he secretly buried her. I had no idea. I thought that she was still missing."

Ladybug was looking positively ill. "Oh, kitty. That's- that's awful. How are you even functioning right now?"

"What's functioning? I've forgotten."

"Oh, kitty." Ladybug's hug got tighter. "That's awful. That's- I'm sure it's hard enough to deal with suddenly losing a family member by itself, and then all of the rest on top..."

Chat Noir buried his face in her hair. His voice came out muffled. "At least we- we weren't close anymore. I had figured that after university, I would move out and- and gradually cut off contact, if he didn't get better. But then I would at least have the option to see him again, if I really wanted to."

Ladybug just nodded, holding him tight.

"And I knew he wasn't a good person. But a supervillain- I've spent so much time fighting him! He was our arch-nemesis. He's endangered me as myself so many times- there have been akumas that were targeting me specifically, and did he even care?" Chat Noir's voice was breaking, and Ladybug hugged him tighter, gently rocking the two of them back and forth. "And my mom- I thought I knew her. I thought she was kind and generous and caring, but she- she used the Miraculous for her own gain, and now she's gone, and he never told me-"

He was sobbing into her shoulder, but he couldn't feel at all embarrassed about it. Ladybug just held him, letting him cry himself out. Eventually his sobs came to an end and he just stood in his partner's arms, trying to get his breathing back to normal as she rubbed his back comfortingly.

"I'm so, so sorry, Chat Noir," Ladybug murmured in his ear. "And I'm here for you, whenever you need me."

He managed a smile for her, pulling back just enough for her to see. "Thank you, my Lady. It- it helped to get that off of my chest, I think. I haven't- I haven't told any of my friends yet. They know that my father died, but not-not the rest. I don't want them to judge me differently right now and if- if they knew- once they know-"

"I don't think that there's any need to tell them if you don't want to," Ladybug said at once, and Chat Noir's eyes snapped to her. "If you're worried about their reactions and you don't want to risk the news getting out, then don't tell them."

"But once we make an announcement, then all of Paris will know," Chat Noir pointed out. His throat felt tight at the thought. He didn't want to tell her Plagg's suggestion right away- he didn't want to influence her, not when the suggestion seemed underhanded- even though he really, really would prefer people never find out about his father.

Ladybug frowned, though it was less at him and more in thought. "But would doing that really accomplish anything? Your father is gone, it wouldn't matter to him anymore. I feel like there would be at least some people in Paris who would judge you because of him, which- well, that really wouldn't be fair to you at all, would it? We wouldn't want your identity getting out, either. You said that the one person who worked with him- Mayura- that she had regretted it for a while?"

Chat Noir nodded, feeling blown away. Even without hearing what Plagg had said, Ladybug's reasoning was absolutely identical. If- if she thought the same, then maybe it would be okay?

"Having to work under Hawkmoth without being fully willing would be a kind of punishment in itself, I think," Ladybug decided. "If we want to revisit that later and have her do- well, something to make up for it without involving the police, we can. But I don't think that it's worth getting you dragged down with the whole mess."

It was official, Chat Noir decided as Ladybug pulled both of them down to sit on the beam and tugged him into her lap so that she could hug him even better. He was so, so in love with this girl.

With her firmly on his side, he had a chance of recovering after all.

Perfect

Hawkmoth was arrested and put in prison.

With time, everything had started to return to normal, besides the fact that Ladybug and Chat Noir weren’t seen around Paris as often. Of course, they still had their patrol every other night, but besides that, Adrien and Marinette found that they had a lot more free time on their hands.

One month after they had defeated Hawkmoth, Master Fu had them both come to his house, out of costume. There was some confusion before Adrien and Marinette realized who the other was. Master Fu invited them in and sat them down, before explaining that (since Hawkmoth was no longer a threat) they could finally know each other’s identities.

Before Master Fu could finish giving them all the details and answering their questions, Tikki, obviously excited, started telling them about how they were soulmates and destined to be together.

It was a lot to take in. It was a lot to take in, and neither Adrien nor Marinette knew what to do with this new information, and it wasn’t until about a week later that they finally talked about it. They both felt the weird tension between them and decided that they would have whole miraculous team to reveal themselves to each other, and then maybe some of their opinions could help them out.

Surprisingly, Chloe was the first to speak up, “Marinette, I SWEAR if you end up breaking Adrikins heart I will make it my personal duty to hunt you down and destroy you!”

“Come on Chloe, just let it go. They ARE literally soulmates,” Alya’s eyes lit up as if she had just become aware to the situation, “and that means that you guys have been rejecting each other because you love each other!!”

Marinette blushed before sheepishly replying, “We think that’s why things have been so weird between us...”

Nino was actually the first to bring up the idea of starting small, with a nice dinner date. Alya was completely on board with helping them set it up, and even Chloe pitched some ideas.

Everything was going to be perfect, but when the day finally came around, there was a huge storm.

Adrien’s suit was completely ruined from the rain by the time he got to Marinette’s house. When she opened the door, she was greeted with the sight of Adrien drenched in water. After stifling a giggle, she invited him inside. They decided to cancel the reservation and make their own dinner at Marinette’s place and then watch a movie. Throughout that night, the awkward tension between them quickly faded and, before the knew it, they were completely in love.

Overtime they grew more open with each other, and eventually Adrien even told her how he felt after Hawkmoth’s identity was revealed. His father’s company was passed to Adrien, but he didn’t want anything to do with it, so he sold it. Marinette’s family had been incredibly kind to him, offering him a place to stay (away from his father’s house) and, although they were more than happy to accommodate him, he insisted on helping out in the bakery when he wasn’t at school. The identities of Chat Noir and Ladybug were still not public knowledge, but Marinette and Adrien decided it was best to reveal their alter egos to them. It was the first time in his eighteen years of life that he felt like he truly belonged in a family.

Six months had gone by since all that happened. Marinette and Adrien had graduated and were ready to take on full-time jobs. They decided to start their own fashion company together.

It was a warm summer night when their six month anniversary rolled around.

The had decided to have a big, fancy dinner together.

He waited on one of the highest levels of the Eiffel Tower, peering at the twinkles city lights. He used the camera on his phone to make last minute adjustments to his hair and bow tie then looked up again to see his lady swinging towards the tower.

Soon, she appeared over the edge and detransformed as she landed. Luckily, it was completely fine to show their civilian forms there, since no one but Chat Noir and Ladybug could actually get up there.

Adrien would never cease to be amazed by Marinette. She wore one of the dresses she had designed to be released in her company’s spring line.

She was the first to break the silence, “Ok I know we didn’t come all the way out here so you could stare at me,” she said with a smirked.

Adrien linked his arm around hers, “Well then, right this way, m’lady!”

He escorted her to a table he had set up with candles and some food he had gotten from their favorite restaurant. They sat down and started talking about anything and everything. The only thing that interrupted was the small raindrop that fell on Adrien’s nose.

“Uh-oh, Kitty,” Marinette glances up at the dark clouds that had accumulated within the past few minutes, “Do you think it’ll pass quickly?”

“Not sure...” Adrien definitely hadn’t expected this. Rain, on such a nice day? “It really puts a damper on my plans.”

Marinette’s laugh made his heart flutter, he loved how she had now taken I liking to his puns.

“Seriously, Adrien, I don’t want to ruin this dress. Maybe we can finish up at home.”

Adrien agreed, trying to cover up how sad he was actually feeling. He had planned to propose after their meal. He thought of the perfect image he had in his head of both of them standing over the lights of Paris, but now it seemed it was a loss.

They transformed as the rain started picking up more and more, and they had barely made it back to ground level before the rain had gotten so hard that they couldn’t see more than a few meters ahead of them. They decided to transform back before drawing any attention, even though there wasn’t anyone around anyways.

They stood under an overhang, looking out into the street. Adrien turned to Marinette before realizing she was crying. Her tears were camouflaged by the raindrops on her face, but her eyes were watery and slightly red.

“I’m sorry, Bugaboo,” Adrien pulled her into a hug, “I’m disappointed in how this turned out, too. We were having such a good time.”

They stayed like that for a moment, before Marinette pulled away, “Well, it’s not just that...”

Adrien was surprised, “Wait, what else is wrong?”

“It’s just... it’s was supposed to be perfect, and now it’s all ruined!” She threw her hands up in the air, frustrated.

“It was perfect!” Adrien put his hands on her shoulders, “Anytime I spend with you is perfect! I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!” He gave her a warm smile.

Marinette sighed, “This time was going to be different, though...”

“How so?”

Marinette looked at him before giving in, “I guess there’s no point in keeping it from you.” She started rummaging through her purse.

Adrien was about to start asking another question, but he found himself frozen in awe, when she held out a small jewelry box. She handed it to him, and he opened it, finding a beautiful silver ring.

“Is this...” was so surprised that he couldn’t find the right words to finish his question.

“This was supposed to be a perfect night because I was going to ask you to marry, but now everything I had planned was ruined. And-“

“Marinette!” Adrien got her to stop rambling, “it’s okay.”

“Ugh, I’m so sorry Adrien! Everything’s ruined!” She started crying more, but didn’t look up at him once.

Adrien sighed, “Marinette, look.”

She slowly lifted her head up to find Adrien holding out a similar jewelry box to the one she had just handed to him.

“Wait...” Marinette took the box and opened it up to find a sparkling ring. She was speechless.

Adrien chuckled, “I guess we had the same idea, huh?”

Marinette smiled up at him, still crying (but now they were tears of joy), “I guess so.”

They shared a long kiss. So much had been going on, they didn’t even notice that the rain had stopped.

“See, Bugaboo? This did turn out perfect in the end!”

Marinette nodded.

“What do you say we go home and finish this night with a movie and popcorn?” Adrien asked.

“That sounds amazing,” Marinette said softly.

They took each other’s hands before walking back home, their new rings shimmering in the streetlights.

((Ok I know I haven’t written in a long time, but I whipped this up during the last two days! I haven’t been able to read over it, and I write this instead of doing work in my classes, so I’m sorry if there are any typos or inconsistencies, but I hope you enjoyed!!))

Sweet Dreams Chapter 4

Summary:  The sleep dust affects the miraculous holders differently, and it lulls Ladybug into a deep slumber. Now it’s up to Chat to travel inside her dreams and convince her that reality is better than her wildest dreams. Alternate version of Sandboy.

Pairings: Marichat, Adrienette

Chapter 4/5

Word count: 3.1k

A.n.- Hey ya'll. Here's the next chapter. I'll be at Disney this weekend so I figured why not post early.

“You call yourself a model? Looks like you’re just sanding there to me.” Sandboy’s eyes snapped to his balcony where Chat perched on the handrail. “You have interfered for the last time.” A sudden blast of sand shot towards him which Chat dodged easily. “Something wrong Sandy? You seem tired, maybe you should sleep it off.” He allowed the witty comment to roll off his tongue. Being able to spit off puns was potentially almost too much of a guilty pleasure for him, the ability to say whatever he wanted without being restricted by a list of do’s and don’ts by his father. “Is that all you got? I don’t know what I was so worried about,” one day Chat knew his taunts would get him in trouble, but today couldn’t be that day. Ladybug was out of commission, and he had no clue how to beat this guy. First, he had to lure him away from Mari. “If you want me, you gotta come get me sandpoke.” He jumped from the balcony avoiding yet another blast and made his way towards the guest house in the back. The location was picked more out of strategy than anything else. Not to mention, it would give Adrien peace of mind if he could lure Sandboy further away but here he had home field advantage. After he slipped away from his conversation with Marinette that morning in the gazebo, he went to work gathering the supplies he would need to lay his trap. “Here kitty, kitty, kitty, it’s time for your cat nap.” Adrien hid behind some crates stacked to the ceiling. “That wasn’t original at all, I’m disappointed in you.” Good thing he learned how to throw his voice a year ago. Otherwise, he would have given away his position. His throat constricted as he watched some boxes get demolished. “What’s stopping me from filling this whole room and having you suffocate slowly?” “If that’s your idea of romance, I’m questioning why she ever picked you in the first place, to each their own. Who am I to judge?” He used his staff and tripped him from behind. It seemed like the angrier he got, the worse his accuracy got. Bingo. “How you managed to woo her, I’m curious.” “She loves me,” he growled. It only a split second, but he saw it, he was getting slower with throwing punches and labored breaths. He had to jump into action quickly. “She loves all of Paris, not the best reason to start a marriage if you ask me. If it were, I would have married her a long time ago.” He leaned in and took a running start, he used the force to slam his body shoving Sandboy just enough to hit the bookshelf containing numerous containers of tar that he had set up.  In efforts to stabilize himself he grabbed the only thing he could, the bookcase trapped him to the floor and the tar pooled beneath him oozing through every sand grain it came in contact with. “Looks like you’re tarred up. Now if you excuse me, I have a bride to see about a wedding; seems like she’s marrying the wrong man.” Chat smirked watching as Sandboy jerked up to find the bookcase only sunk him further into the tar. Maybe his last jab took it too far, but the thought of anyone using Adrien Agreste to trick his lady caused his blood burn. Marinette. He needed to check on her, after all, she thought she was marrying the man of her dreams (a thought he didn’t linger on too long just enough to stroke his ego). Maybe this time he would convince her to get as far away from this place as they could. Only then would they be able to figure out how to be free of this dream.

“What is this place?” Nino couldn’t help the comment as it tumbled from his mouth. When the Kwami dude led him through alleyways until they reach a door, for a second Nino thought he might die. The second he walked in all of his anxiety stripped away like he took off a coat. The smell spices and herbs greeted his senses full force, but he welcomed it as peace flooded his system. He didn’t know how to describe it, he felt safe. “Nino, I’ve been expecting you.” The man’s voice caught him by surprise. Despite the greeting, the man didn’t turn from his workstation. “No offense Dude, but who are you?” He took a step forward, but the turtle flew into his face sporting a grin. “This is Master Fu, he’s the guardian of the miraculous.” “Miraculous?” He parroted softly, the information soaking in. His gaze turned until he saw the bodies lying on the table. “Are they?” Nino couldn’t even voice the thought for fear it might be true. What would Paris do if their beloved superheroes were dead? Hawkmoth would have control and- His thought process halted when Ladybug started thrashing around, and an echo of no’s chorused her lips. Nino’s body tensed as he looked on in terror. Master Fu rushed to her side with a cold cloth and began to dab her forehead gently. Ladybug’s movement subsided despite how shallow and uneven her breaths became. “They are in trouble and need your help.” “My help?” He couldn’t have heard correctly. Fighting an Akuma once with the two at his side, but right now they looked indisposed which meant he was fighting alone. “I think you have the wrong guy.” “We are running out of time. What was going on in your dream?” “What does that have to do with anything.” “It’s everything.” Master Fu pushed. “What happened?” “Well I arrived at Adrien’s house with Alya for Marinette’s wedding, but something with Adrien was off. I thought I was paranoid, but it only grew. Then I-“ he paused as the memory flashed before him. “Marinette and Alya are in trouble, it’s not Adrien.” “There will be time to help Marinette. Did she seem distant or give any signs that she knew it wasn’t Adrien?” “I-I don’t know. It went by so fast, and I only saw her for a second.” “There’s hope yet, but for you to help your friends. If you help me and follow my instructions exactly.”

Marinette barely was able to grasp her best friend’s hand with the amount of shaking and yet, she couldn’t will her feet to move out of danger. This couldn’t be happening, Adrien couldn’t be the monster she witnessed. The guy she was in love with emulated kindness and goodness, not whatever stone hearted act she witnessed. “You call yourself a model? Looks like you’re just sanding there to me.” Even though she couldn’t see inside the room, the insult belonged to Chat. And a series of emotions flooded her system. First, relief, if he was here, it meant he would do everything to protect them. She hadn’t been sure if he would come back given their fight the previous night. It was one thing to need shelter from the outside, another to be willing to talk again, let alone go to battle. Then Plagg’s words echoed through her mind with the second wave of emotion, worry.  He tacked on another battle where he fought without her putting his life in danger once again. Even if Tikki were in 100% health, she doubted that she could escape or even fight properly with her head spinning. If she went now, she might be putting him in more danger. Alya managed to move first and dragged her back to the bridal suite and locked the door swiftly. "What just happened?" Alya had found her voice first, shaky, but still breathed undertones of strength. "I don't know,” Marinette replied still at a loss for words. She couldn’t even begin to describe what they saw. “Marinette!” Alya called for answers a second-time urgency dripping. “I said I don’t know!” She hushed whispered not to draw attention. Her head pounded, and her legs caved causing her to collide to the bed. Was Nino dead? It would be easier if she didn’t she wiped the whole encounter from her mind, but it wasn’t that easy. His screams filled the house and would haunt her nightmares for months to come. The only thing that brought her out of her mind was Alya throwing a suitcase on the bed next to her. “What are you doing?” She stuttered bewildered at her actions. “We can’t stay here. It’s not safe.” “But”- “No buts! Did you not see what he did to Nino?” She couldn’t imagine a situation where Adrien would hurt her, but then again, Nino was his best friend. “Where would we even go?” She had no contacts outside the city, and if he were as dangerous as he appeared, then she wouldn’t want to put anyone she loved in harm’s way. “We can figure it out after we leave, but we need to get out of here as soon as possible before“- A sudden knock on the door struck the wind out of her lungs to the point where she needed to gasp to regain oxygen. The two girls looked to each other for cues of how to proceed, but Marinette took a couple steps towards the door. “Who is it?” Her voice wavered in fear, who can blame her after what she saw? “It’s me, Princess,” Marinette never felt relief flood her system faster as she jerked open the door and pulled him inside. Her arms immediately wrapped her arms around his torso and breathed in his scent. Nothing could go wrong, he was here.  Her lips kept mumbling an apology again and again, but that it made her feel any better. “You don’t have to apologize.” He murmured back into her ear. It didn’t take much for him to melt into the embrace and hold her tighter. His Lady, Marinette, needed him and he was too eager to oblige. “I’m here, everything will be ok,” He cooed. Marinette pushed against him abruptly the color draining from her face. He must not know- “Chat,” even saying his name brought forth the courage she needed. “You were right about Adrien. He’s under Hawkmoth’s control and- something happened to Nino!” Normally her Ladybug instincts would have kicked into overdrive by now, her world landed on its head not even 20 minutes ago. “Bugaboo,” the second he said her nickname her eyes snapped to his green ones. “Breathe.” She followed orders even though her head raced a mile a minute. He knew. With no shred of spandex appeared on her body, but somehow, he knew. “Alya?” Marinette tore away from his touch to face her best friend. “Could you give us a moment?” As much as Marinette wanted to keep her here, there were conversations that she wasn’t privileged to yet. “But what if Adrien returns?” Alya objected. Marinette had to see her point, they were weaker apart, but before she could reply, Chat stepped in. “I wouldn’t worry about him,” he cleared his throat. “I made sure he was tied up. I think I bought us at least 20 minutes.” Alya nodded but stopped short of the doorway. “If you hear my screams, I expect you to be at my room in no less than 30 seconds.” “Chat’s honor,” he crossed his heart. The promise was enough to ease her through the door towards her room. When he turned he was instantly captivated by the searching blue-bell eyes he had fallen in love with. “How long?” Her question caused his heart to drum inside his chest. In reality, he had the knowledge for all of a day, but it felt like he had known for subconsciously for years. “A day,” the whisper barely made a dent in the tense room. “How?” He closed his eyes and braces himself because she wouldn’t like his answer. “When you shoved me into the closet I gained suspicions when I saw Tikki. But you confirmed it when you said that I was jealous of you and Adrien.” If he was truly honest that whole night was a blur, but his answer lined up enough in the truth for it not to matter. He closed his eyes and let out an exhale of his own, it didn’t feel right holding back from her. “But you also confessed your secret to me this morning.” “Chat, What are you”- No time to be a coward, he reminded himself. “Claws in.”

Marinette was sure that all the air got sucked out of her lungs watching the green light engulf his body. The only thing keeping her standing had to be the softness in his eyes. It had to be him, out of everyone in Paris, her partner was Adrien Agreste. Adrien, the selfless, kind, caring man that sat in front of her every day at school.  The guy who had launched hundreds of ads campaigns with grace and composure, but despite the fame he was given, he still valued his friends and family more. Adrien only got more impressive when she thought about his actions both in battle. He laid down his life for her so many times without a second’s hesitation. He was so far out of her league even with the cat puns in consideration. “Milady?” His voice cut through her thoughts. “I know I wasn’t the person you pictured behind the mask, and I understand. I wouldn’t have been who I picked-“ Marinette closed the gap between them grasping either side of his face and crashed her lips on his. He froze mostly out of shock but then melted into her touch. Her hands inched up into his blonde locks and tugged earning a grunt. When the need for oxygen became more of a need than continuing Marinette pulled back. “I wouldn’t have any other person be my partner,” she whispered. This whole time she had made the excuse that she was going to marry Adrien- “Wait, if your Adrien, then how?” Her voice faded out not sure how else to ask the question. “He’s an imposter.” It made more sense than she was going insane. What other explanation was there to the vast difference in reaction to the same man. “While he’s gone I need to as far from here as possible.” Marinette’s eyes glanced over to the open suitcase and clothes sprawled over her bed. A pit in her stomach twisted, everyone wanted her to run away, but Ladybug wouldn’t. Even if she was scared out of her mind, standing her ground was her only option. “No.” Her answer hung in the air. Hawkmoth couldn’t be allowed to win. “I’m staying, I’m not letting you fight this battle alone.” “But what about Tikki-if she’s not fit for fighting-“ he was shushed instantly when her hand cupped his face. “Then I guess we’ll figure it out together. We talk with Tikki and Plagg and see what our options are, but you need to trust me.” Adrien guided her hand down to leave a ghost of a kiss in the inside of her palm. “I do.” “Marinette, I have everything we need-get away from her!” Alya’s voice rang out through the room. The two froze in their intimate moment, and Adrien’s face drained as he realized exactly who she thought he was. “What did you do with Chat Noir?” Venom laced with her voice and for a moment Adrien was convinced that she scared him more than Hawkmoth himself. Thankfully, Marinette stepped in for him. “Alya, it’s ok. He’s on our side.” Despite her best efforts, her best friend didn’t seem convinced. New plan, catch Alya up to speed, create a plan, defeat Sandboy.

Marinette tucked her legs under her while her wedding dress took up the rest of the bench. How she managed to convince Chat that she could do this part of the plan alone was beyond her, but she could still feel his presence near in case she needed him. Adrien. The whole time it had been Adrien. He had been there flirting, cracking jokes, and risking his life for her on a daily basis. Anger rose throughout her chest, but not towards him, but rather at herself. The only reason Chat dove head first into dangerous situations was because she let him. Because he loves you, her mind added. She always knew that he loved her, she wished she realized how much sooner, it would have saved them both heartaches. Maybe that’s their luck came into play, they tiptoed around each other for years, but in the end, they would always have each other. Even though time was wasted, they would have enough because when she was around him time slowed to compensate. “What are you doing here, my love? The wedding is about to start.” Her gaze flickered up until they met a pair of green eyes. Her body tended out of gut instinct, the knowledge that someone used Adrien’s image to trick her caused her blood to boil. She may have fallen for the warm green eyes in the past, but no more. “Is something wrong?” He reached out, and his fingertips brushed the edges of her arm; nothing, she felt nothing. “I can’t marry you.” She forced herself to match his gaze. “But sweetie, it’s our wedding day. Don’t you remember, you wanted to stay with me forever? Come on,” his hand sought hers, but she jerked it away before he formed his grip. “I don’t love you.” The words stifled the air between the two and Adrien’s eyes widened. “I love someone else. He goes by the name Chat Noir, he is the kindest, most self-sacrificing, loving partner I know and more of a man than you will ever be.” Marinette stood up allowing the anger to flow through her, “I see right through your game, and I will never love you.” She slammed her heel to the ground with the last word, and the ground began to shake. “What have you done?” Adrien stumbled a couple steps, and his appearance started to shift. Gone was the perfect copycat of Adrien Agreste, instead now fused with another face; Marinette could only guess it had to be the victim of the Akuma attack. His features hardened as he narrowed his focus. “Fine,” he sneered. “If I can’t have you, no one can. I’ll find that cat and skin it alive.” Marinette’s ticked up into a smirk, undaunted. She knew this was coming, she couldn’t back down or let fear invade her. “Over my dead body. Tikki, spots on.”

Sick of Being Sick.

Just the beginning... Hi, my name is Leslie, I'm 36 years young, and l am currently living the battle of my life. I'm talking a figurative blood and guts UFC fight. Medically, emotionally, spiritually and financially I could have never imagined the intense downward spiral that my life would begin in the spring of 2014. This could have happened to anyone, but it chose me. I entered into and started living a chapter out of a Steven King novel. I'd like to preface my journey by saying that I used to work 2 waitressing jobs, 7 days a week. I prided myself on being kind, generous, a hard worker and pretty freaking witty. Sarcasm was my best friend. I had 5 cats who I loved more than anything, and lived in my house that I bought in 2002, and kept 100% by myself. I loved being crafty, scrap-booking, journalling (since I was 14- I have about 37 of them), cleaning obsessively and making people smile. I'd been accused of, "liking everybody" and, for the most part- I did! That's why I loved waitressing so much, I met amazing individuals on a daily basis, and for an hour or so, I was able to make them happy. So, summing this up, I'm one of those annoying 'smiley' people, and I love it... How to begin blogging a nightmare... Well, It all started on May 5, 2014, my sweet bunny was losing his battle to pancreatitis, and we were at the veterinarians office. I was laying around him on the floor, sobbing like an infant as he took his last breath. After a half hour, I got up off of the floor to move to another room with him, and noticed the ridiculous pain and swelling in my knees. I sat with him for 3 additional hours, saying prayers and telling him how much I love him. My heart was broken and now I was facing headache and flu-like symptoms. By the time I drove home, I was incredibly sick. (I really mastered the art of 'puking while driving' starting that night.) For the next few MONTHS I had a constant fever of 104, night-sweats, fatigue, exhaustion, swollen hot shiny red joints, nausea, chills, vision problems, breathing difficulties, dizziness etc. Being my Father's daughter, and having been raised as a fighter- I was still trying my very, very best to continue to work an overflowing schedule. I was a head waitress at both jobs and I was failing miserably. I wasn't eating because my mouth had a funny taste, I had zero appetite and the fatigue was unreal. Coca-Cola had become my litmus paper, as to how sick I was everyday. I would buy bottled Coke, and by sipping it and seeing what it tasted like 'that day'- I could gauge the severity of my illness for the next few hours. I was not bathing, or even taking my clothing off when I was home. I would just sleep in my uniforms (shoes and all) until it was time for work the following day. My knees had become so swollen that I had to cut my pants on the sides to make more room. Breathing was getting tougher too. I would find myself having to stop and force myself to take deep breaths. If I exerted myself too much I would end up laying on a booth, numb, shaking and drooling, with incredible difficulties trying to get verticle. If I took the risk and showered, I had to set aside 60 minutes to lay naked on the bathroom floor because I was 100% drained. Again, drooling, slurring and borderline consciousness. What was happening to me?!!? F.Y.I. puh-lease don't think I wasn't going to the doctor during all of this terror, because I was. A lot. A looot. My Dad was making my appointments and driving me weekly, all while he was watching me slowly die. Just waste away. (His car now sporting a smooth "vomit" scent, thanks to me.) The doctor was putting me on antibiotics one day and anti-inflammatories and steroids the next, unfortunately I was only getting worse. The fever continued to hang around and some nights would hit 104.6. All of the vomiting was ruining my throat, my knees were so swollen and hot to the touch, that they could melt bags of ice- in minutes. With those 2 symptoms and a blood test, he diagnosed me with Rheumatoid arthritis immune disease. From that point forward it appeared that ALL of my symptoms were from RAID. It was as if the doctor stopped looking for the root of my demise, because he found one. Maybe he was scared too, but so was I damn it and my health was deteriorating at the speed of McDonalds drive-thru during lunch-time. One evening in early October, I honestly thought it may be the end for me. I woke coughing up blood, and felt as if every inch of my body had giving up, I was out of gas, and barely running on fumes. Out of pure desperation and necessity, I went to an Emergi-Care center in Bethlehem. (First, I left a note behind on who would take my cats, incase I would never return home.) The doctor was very blunt (a.k.a. a$shol*) and as he talked AT me, he said he thought I was unbelievably sick, and that he thought that I would surely die if I left the building. Then he scolded me for getting sooo ill, and then decided that he couldn't treat me, because I had "chosen" to wait too long to see him (a man I'd never met before). I was seeing a physician, but it hadn't been him and he was clearly annoyed and disgusted with me. He reluctantly did a flu swab of my nose (that he said I didn't need, because it wasn't the flu virus) which came back negative. So then his majesty stepped off of his high-horse long enough to put me on the antibiotics which combat Anthrax, and that was that. What? Anthrax? Because I was exposed when I was never in the military? What an incredible mind fu*k, and 3 hours that I will never get back. I rate his bedside manner a big fat zero. So, I went home, spooned with my Eddie cat, and cried myself to sleep- which didn't take long because I was dehydrated and falling apart. Needless to say, I continued to get sicker. I'm 5'10" and was barely weighing 95lbs. My once tan skin had morphed into a light yellow hue, my lips were red, but now were cracking, peeling and gray. My eyes had always been green and bright, framed in mascara, however they'd become blurry, wet and had large dark bags underneath. I constantly smelled mold in my nose. At this point I had been suffering for almost 5 months with these horrendous symptoms. Alone in my house, afraid that each nap had become a gamble that I would lose, and not wake up. Russian roulette immune disease style. My Dad had simply had enough. He was not going to sit by and bury his best friend- he was putting his foot down NOW. He took me to the doctor yet another time. However, this time, he put aside his gentle, humorous demeanor and told the doctor in no uncertain terms that he was watching his daughter die and that if he didn't do something else to help me, he would call his attorney and sue him for malpractice. Shockingly enough (insert sarcasm here), the doctor suddenly had a fire lit under his ass and ordered me an emergency appointment with a highly respected rheumatologist. She normally has a 3 month wait, but not for this sicky- It was Friday, and the appointment was for Monday. Just one question though... how on earth was I going to survive the weekend?! Woke up early Monday and crawled to my front door. I slept on the floor, vomiting relentlessly, all weekend because I couldn't muster up the energy to walk. My superhero Dad then had to basically carry me to his car. Once buckled in I proceeded to vomit and cry because I was too weak to sit up. Thankfully my Dad tried his best to stock the car with pillows, blankets, water, crackers and plastic bags so it took the edge off of sitting in traffic. Every car ride seemed hours long, I couldn't wait get back in bed or atleast lay on the floor. We arrived at the new doctors around 11am, she dressed very unprofessionally, tight work out spandex. Da fuq? She took one look at me and said that I was incredibly sick. No sh*t sherlock. While listening to my heart, she asked "how long have you had this heart murmur?" I told her that I don't have one and never did. She put the stethoscope to my ears- I had a f*cking heart murmur?? Immediately, sent me for a plethora of blood work and cultures, 16 I think, which drained me severly. I had almost passed out when my Dad showed up with O.J. and muffins- to save the day. Again, he carried me out to the car and took me home. He tucked me in, and I slept for 20 straight hours. I didn't get up to eat or even use the toilet. The following morning I felt better than I had in a very long time. Maybe some of the useless medications were finally starting to kick-in. I took a chance, (a.k.a. stubborn) and drove myself to my psychologists office for my 2:00pm appointment. We were about half-way into my mind enlightening session when my phone rings. Then again. Then again. So, I looked at my therapist with lump in my throat and picked up my phone. 3 missed calls from my family doctor. Then my phone rings and it's him again. I answer and it's my doctor, he says that I have a horrible infection in my blood and that I need to drop everything and RACE to the hospital. He said to run red lights go through stop signs, speed and if I get pulled over- keep going and the hospital would explain it to the police. After a quick "ohmyGod" and freak out, my psychologist hugged me and I promised to go directly to the ER. So, I did what anyone else would do, I went home and I fed my 5 cats. What the heck was I thinking you ask? Well, I figured that I would only be in the hospital a day or two and that if I fed them and cleaned their litter boxes then no one would have to come care for them while I was in the hospital. Plus, I really needed a hug from my Eddie-cat. As anyone who knows me will vouch and say that I might be just a little bit obsessed with my pets. Haha. Especially Eddie-cat, I worried about that feline like nobody's business. I got my much desired cat-fix, and then shortly after, I got in my car and headed towards the hospital. (I may have also stopped for a Coke- my memory's a touch foggy... I totally did.) As soon as I got there my dad was already waiting for me. (#bestdadever) I could see the pain and fear in his eyes and it truly broke my heart. We ended up waiting 2 hours in the dirtiest emergency room. We killed time laughing and joking until they finally called my name. (Kind of ironic since they told me to race to the hospital, but anyhow.) Dun dun dun. The nurse put me in a bed in the emergency department and hooked me up to IV saline and antibiotics. Dad and I watched bad tv, until they took me upstairs and gave me a room alone, in infectious disease. I was fairly relaxed, happy to finally end this era of illness, when the nurse came in to ask how I felt about my upcoming open heart surgery. MY WHAT?! No, no, no I told her, I was in for a blood infection. Silly nurse, get your mind right. She said the doctor would be in to speak to me momentarily. Ten minutes or so passed, and my Dad walked into my hospital room. Yeah! All is good, my Daddy is here... and then the doctor walked in behind him. Ugh oh. This nightmare is suddenly very real again. My Dad, looked more handsome than ever. His blue eyes had been crying as he walked over and took my hand. The doctor stood on my other side and explained to me that I had an infection in my blood and that it had destroyed the mitral valve in my heart. He said that the next day, I would be transferred to a larger hospital and would spend 2 months there on intense IV antibiotics before I would have to have open heart surgery to replace my mitral valve. I went into shock. Open heart surgery?!? They're going to break my chest?? But I don't have heart problems!!! I just have a blood infection!!! I'm only 33 years old!!! I want Eddie cat! My dad and I hugged and cried for the next 2 hours. I finally sent him home around 10:00pm to get some sleep. Loneliness and pure terror set in fast and I couldn't bare to be away from him, so I called on the phone and we talked all night. The following morning, as promised, the doctors and nurses packed me up in an ambulance and I was transported to a much larger hospital. Once I arrived I was quickly set up into "infectious disease." Heavy antibiotics were a-flowing. Every inch of the place was an upgrade. Once I was left alone, my thoughts flooded my mind. I tried to start figuring out how I was going to survive this travesty, pay my bills and most importantly- who was going to help take care of my five cats??? Fu*k. Fu*k. Fu*k. The doctors tell me that they are not certain how I contracted this infection. I hadn't been out of the country, nor had I undergone any dental surgery which could have welcomed the bacteria. Well that's zero help. Endocarditis. My possible kryptonite... The next few days I mentally took a bubble bath in my shock. I was trying to wrap my mind around spending the next 2 months in the hospital BEFORE undergoing open heart surgery. I became introverted, not wanting to Facebook my drama, or even text friends. I felt a strange numbness take over me, and honestly decided that I would make the best of it. I had multiple medical procedures and I did my very best to make the doctors laugh and tell them about my cats, of course. Looking back, I was nervous as all hell. I even neglected to press charges on a customer from my old job who consistently showed up UNINVITED into my hospital room. Stalker much? The hospital ended up having to put a password on my room, before all deliveries, calls and visitors were allowed in. Not to be all, "poor me" but seriously dude, just sooo not the time for a creepy creeperson. On the bright side, my mother who hadn't contacted me in over a year at this point, did text me twice- to ask if the doctors were giving me enough antibiotics. (She's no doctor, so her "medical concern" was hilarious) I had to fight the urge to sarcastically reply, "Antibiotics? Good idea! Thank Gawd you texted me when you did, the doctors hadn't thought of that!" But, I was sweet as a blueberry muffin. By the way, those were the first and last two texts that I heard from her. (Now, 3 years later she has never even once contacted me. Not. One. Single. Time.) Ahh, a mother's love. Ha. Friday, October 31st- Another day, another dollar. Ha, juuust kidding, it's another day full of tests and procedures. I was taken upstairs for an internal ultrasound/view of my heart. Basically, they knock you out and gently push a scope down your throat. This technique gets them extremely close to your heart for an excellent read in cardiac patients. So, after my test was done they woke me up... ohemgee, what medicine did they give me?! I saw a giant dippy egg with bacon, a 5 foot tall cat, a cow standing on its hind legs and a MINION. This. Was. Amazing. I later learned, as the anestethics wore off, It. Was. Also. Halloween. doh. 4 days into my stay at the hotel, I mean hospital, it was getting harder and harder to breathe (Maroon5?). It felt as though I had a gorilla sitting on my chest. I would get spells where it became so difficult to inhale, the nurses would come rushing in my room, rip my gown off, hook me up to oxygen and inject my IV with morphine until I could take a deep breath. I apologize to any and all of my visitors who showed up at the wrong time- and had to witness this. Sorry? You're welcome? (I now know, I was having a difficult time breathing because I was internally bleeding. Shame on you.) It was Saturday, November 1st around 7pm and I was watching Despicable Me for the +/-30th time. Hey- a free cable movie channel is a free movie channel, no matter the circumstance. Not only that, but Minions were making me unbelievably happy. My friends will vouch for me, I never even liked cartoons. (Well, except for Nickelodeon cartoons. #TommyPickles.) Perhaps it was providing a 90 minute escape for me, maybe it was appealing to the crying little girl inside of me- I don't know, but it helped fill a void, and I'm still grateful for Gru. Anyhow, while I was embracing the yellow and eating gummy bears (Albanese- my Dad ordered specially from Indiana) my future heart surgeon popped his angelic head in. I offered him gummy bears- even the red ones; he said that it looked like I was right on track as much as I could be and to just relax and they would take care of me at the hospital. He said to get comfortable because I would be there 8 weeks before the surgery. So around 10 weeks total. Well, ok,*sighs* it could be worse, it sounds like I can, "simmer dawn naw." WRONG. Five minutes pass and my surgeon comes back. He said that he checked my latest blood levels and my oxygen was far too low, I would reqire surgery in the next 12 hours or be dead before Thanksgiving. I felt all of the blood rush out of my upper body. Next, a cardiac nurse came into my room and gave me the choice of a Pig Valve or a Mechanical Valve, to be implanted into my heart to relace the damaged Mitral Valve. (Being vegeterian at the time, I thought this was incredible irony.) She weighed out the pros and cons for me as to which valve to choose. All I really remember hearing was that the Pig Valve had to be replaced every 10 years, and being so young that would demand atleast 5 more open heart surgeries in my lifetime. So, I thought it was a simple choice. Mechanical valve = forever vs. 10 year Pig Valve: I went for the mechanical valve. Then I had to do something much harder, call my Dad. It was incredibly difficult to dial my Dads telephone number. I knew that I was about to ruin any type of peace he was able to salvage for the evening, he would soon be as devestated as me, this still felt surreal. I felt selfish and heart broken having this kind of power over my fathers emotions. He answered on the first ring, as usual. My being so immensly ill had really been taking it's toll on him, emotionally, physically and spiritually. His little girl being so sick, and he could do nothing to fix me. Little did he know, HE was the reason that I wanted to be fixed. I cared more about him having to deal with my death, than I did my own life. There was no way in hell that I was going to let my Dad bury me. I would NEVER be responsible for putting him through that pain. Back to the phone call, my Dad answered cheerfully (for my benefit of course) and asked how I was feeling. I would say that, that is the very moment when my tears started falling, I couldnt catch my breath, but finally slobbered out that the heart surgeon had just been in my room and that I would be having surgery at 7:00am. I could hear him choking back the tears as he told me that this would get me home to Eddie-Cat faster. My Dad, always the optimist, and I stayed on the phone for the next 6 hours. We cried, talked about old times, (I also crammed food down my throat until midnight) and finally we decided that I was going to get through this. It cant be my "time." One tiny detail that I failed to mention before was that I was given a 37% chance of surviving. I sat alone in my hospital bed and wrote goodbye letters to my friends and a few chosen family members. Was I really doing this? Possibly saying GOODBYE to my life? Was I going to be dead in just a few short hours? It upset me that I might never see Eddie cat again. Who would explain to him that I didnt leave him by choice? That I died because of an infection. That I was so so sorry, and that I tried my best. All 5 of my cats, nobody was ever going to love them like me. I couldnt entertain the thought of losing my kids- I made a vow to save them forever when they were rescued, and now I was disappearing from their lives forever. This was all too much. I was sick to my stomach as I stared at the clock, counting down the seconds until my Dad, twin brother and friend were scheduled to arrive. Sadly, my twin brother never showed up. He never even called to wish me luck and it absolutely shattered my heart into a million pieces. I wanted to see my womb-mate so badly. I knew that we were no longer close but my soul really ached to be hugged with his arms. It really destroyed my feelings, but I did not have the time to dwell on it- it was 5:00am I had to start getting scrubbed down for surgery. I still felt fairly numb, more worried about seeming alright to try and ease my Dads horror. I was nervously joking around and begging the nurses for morsels of food. Then the dark cloud came. It was time. TIME FOR OPEN HEART SURGERY. Two nurses from transport and a doctor wheeled me down to the surgery floor, my Dad was walking next to me- I refused to let go of his hand. I was wheeled into a very well lit, curtained, waiting area. The operating room was empty. It was just myself and all of the nurses and doctors, no other patients. I later learned that Sunday mornings are reserved for emergencies. Look at me V.I.P. well, they made me feel that way anyhow. The nurses were exceptional- as they had been so far my entire stay. I was really blessed with the most amazing care. I mean, up until this point I would beg to estimate that the nursing staff had spent around 8 hours listening to me ramble on about my cats. I was a few minutes away from open heart surgery and I was getting make-up tips from one of the surgical nurses... well until the surgeon had to spoil my ignorance and walk in. He said they were ready for me and it would only be 2 or 3 minutes longer. Boom. That's when I turned into a two year old who needed her Daddy. He couldnt hold back his tears, and nor could I. I was wailing uncontrollably, telling my Dad how much I loved him. The fear was real. Very real. Almost indescribable to have to face the possibility of DEATH. This could be the very last time that I ever see my Dad. I was going into this obscenely serious surgery with horrendous odds. Who was I to think that I would survive fate? I had all but pulled my Dad into my hospital bed at this point. I just couldnt say goodbye. I wanted him to just hold me and make it all go away. But it was time. I held my Dads hands one last time and as they wheeled me down the hall, I yelled to him that I loved him and would see him soon. I secretly prayed that the next time he saw me, he would not be looking down at me, dead on a cold, steel table. I was given a sedative, and apparently it worked because shortly after I found myself complimenting everyone on "how nice they were," next I told my surgeon, "Don't let me die, I have my Dad and cus' nobody wants 5 cats." My doctors and all of the nurses did their very best to try and reassure me that I would wake up. A clear rubber mask was placed over my nose/mouth and I started slowly counting back from 100 (trying to enjoy the drug induced high and fight the anesthetics at the same time), and for the next 8 hours, my life was resting solely in the hands of this "Dream Team" surgical team. As you may have guessed already, I SURVIVED! It turned out that my heart was in much worse shape than previously expected, so not only did they have to replace my mitral valve but my aortic valve was covered in vegetation and needed to be scraped off. The doctor said that after seeing my heart, I would not have lived 2 more weeks without this procedure. I'm pretty fuzzy as to the timeline for the next few events. I recall waking up in a very bright room with lots of doctors around me. It was horrifying because the breathing tube was still down my throat, yet I felt like I was suffocating. In a complete panic I was trying to talk with my eyes, and scream to the nurses, "I can't breath!!" They must have read my mind because next thing I know, the nurse is leaning over my face telling me to relax. She said that the equiptment was breathing for me and that I just had to- annnnnnnnd I passed out. I woke up again, I guesstimate about 5 hours later. I was in a different room this time. It had a tiny little observation deck in it for a nurse to sit and, well, observe. I'm still with a breathing tube, but I'm a bit calmer this time. I can see all of the tubes coming out of my stomach, and I can see my chest raise up and down- with zero assistance from me. I didn't feel well. I was sick to my stomach and frightened. I was aware that my health was improving dramatically, but being alone and awake with my thoughts was extremely sad. The nurse came in to check my vitals, fluid loss, urine out-put etc. and realized that my body temperature was low. Especically for someone who just had major surgery. So, she covered me in what I remember to look like a space blanket. You know, those thin silver on one side, blue on the other ones? Think back to space field trips. Anyhow, it didn't take long until I was exceptionally warm. Then I began to sweat, next was the anxiety. I felt like I was cooking alive under this blanket, but nobody was around to tell. Even if they were, I had a breathing tube down my throat and was unable to speak properly. Fifteen minutes passed- no nurse. Tears were just continuously rolling down the side of my face. Thirty minutes passed- no nurse, it was beginning to feel like an eternity. At forty minutes I passed out for a few minutes and I woke up to the nurses taking the blanket off of me. Thank you Jesus! Praise The Lord! Once I cooled off, that was it for me it was lights out until the next morning. Rise and shine! No rest for the weary. The beautiful nurses had me up bright and early to remove my breathing tube. Hallelujah. Although I will admit it was not that easy to take my first unassisted breath, but I did it and in no time I was back to inhaling and exhaling with my own free will. Ill hold my breath if I want to damn it! A parade of white coats for the next 2 hours. I was avoiding looking at the 6 1/2 inch scar down the center of my chest. (and the scar from the pacemaker) I was still uneasy knowing that they had to break my sternum and WIRE it back together. After a brief unscheduled siesta, a young red haired man entered my room. He explained that he was there to remove my chest tubes and I basically told him that I accepted his challenge. Are you joking? Long, bumpy, blue, rubber tubes are INSIDE of my body and he's here to "pull them out?!" Insert gag and vomit here. Nope. Nope. Nope. Clearly he had dealt with trouble makers like me before, because his sweet talking game was on point. He said he would remove both tubes at once, and I would feel minimal discomfort. Ok, Prince Harry, let's go. He started by counting me down from 3. Try #1: 3...2... and I would interject, "No no no no no nope no no no no." Try #2 : 3...2... "No, no, nope, no thats enough no no no." After a pretty serious pep talk involving either living with the tubes forever VS. dealing with 3 seconds of slip and slide- I took a few deep breaths and decided this was gonna happen. Ok, this was it... Try #3: 3...2...1... and this freckled God pulled the tubes from my abdomen and quickly plugged the holes up with gauze to stop my bleeding. It felt exactly like you would imagine. As if he had gripped up my large intestine, and just pulled! I felt no pain, but it was the creepiest sensation having the bumps from the 2 feet of rubber being yanked inch by inch through your insides. Bucket list: Check! They really dont waste any time at the hospital. It was only the day after surgery, or the next day,(again still foggy) and the nurses were getting ready to have me sit up out of bed, in a chair. This sounded like a miserable suggestion. I verbally detested as much as possible, claiming that I felt sick to my belly and especially light headed. I was quickly assured that both symptoms were normal, but that I had nothing in my stomach to throw up. As she and the tech were trying not to pull IV's out of my arms and neck, I told them again that I was going to throw up. It really was like IV Jenga. Move this, not that, move this wire, not that etc. I was seated upright! My chest burned like nobodys business and woops, I made good on my promise to vomit. Note to all readers, If you ever have open heart surgery- DO NOT VOMIT! The pain in my sternum was enough to make me vomit again. Ugh. Part of me felt accomplished. I mean I HAD told them that I wanted to puke.. nobody listened.. hehe. Leslie- 1. It's the small victories. On a quest to still discover where this deadly infection originated, the doctors had me scheduled to be transported to an oral surgeon 3 days after surgery. Doped up just the right amount to deal with the situation, I was moved from the ambulance stretcher to the dentists chair. In no time at all, I was prepped to have my tooth removed and examined to see if this little bastard was the cause of my saga. Unfortunately, the tooth was fine and was not the root of my illness. Then, on the way back I tried to bribe the ambulance drivers to stop for donuts. Fail. **constant edits and updates being made, my story is far from over.. Please check back often, like it's your horoscope**

My Sifu, Alan Orr often starts his class with the question "Any questions?" One of the problems with martial arts training can often be the unwillingness to really question anything, it's an easy habit to get into and often only broken by the best students, so start by asking yourself if you want to be amongst that group? One of the best students, the students who go on to become instructors and/or fighters within their system. It is a constant questioning of what you are doing, what it is that you are being taught, why do this? What happens in this situation and possibly most importantly "Is what I'm doing actually relevant?" that will lead to finding the solutions. It's maybe that those questions take you away from where you are training to seek out new information, maybe new teachers. I have trained under many different instructors, some good, some not. Sometimes years on you realise all you learned from one was that you had to find another but this article is aimed at cutting down that time span and to help lead you to the right path for you. Why am I doing this? This to my mind is one of the questions you should be asking yourself and then a secondary question should be what am I doing to achieve my goals?? My belief is that if you wish to do a martial art then you must want to learn the skills to defend yourself effectively against an average adversary maybe one with greater strength or size, maybe to be able to really fight against a skilled and determined opponent or multiple attackers. The self confidence aspect of martial arts to my mind is the knowledge that you really can do those things under pressure. If you simply want a social club and a bit of fitness thrown into the bargain then fair enough maybe this article holds no relevance to those people and I know there is quite a contingent of people out there that go to their respective martial arts club to say they do a martial art but really have no intention of ever really being able to seriously use it. This article is aimed only at those who really want to achieve a good level of skill and the ability to use it under real pressure. Anyone who trains at a martial arts club will recognise this scenario....... You know nothing or very little about the martial arts but are eager to learn, you have seen Bruce Lee flicks, the UFC, Jet Li, you want to be like those guys, you are in a training hall with fifteen others most of which obviously know what they are doing. The instructor starts the class and everything feels alien. You learn some moves, the instructor explains and demonstrates them with the help of a willing senior and they all look good. This is probably where most people have stopped thinking.... Its accepted practice in many walks of life that in order to be successful you must have clear and concise goals. In martial arts this is very true. However so few people take control of their path, instead they chose to rely on the guy standing at the front with the black belt or the pretty suit to take them there. If the guy with the black belt isn't of the highest calibre then you probably won't get to where you wish to be. However if you are in control, if you have done your research and have kept informed then you may learn to recognise what you can take from an instructor and also what to leave, sometimes even when to leave! An instructor must have integrity and humility to truly lead his students to a high standard and this is the ability to be transparent to his students as regards his/her own strengths and weaknesses. I admire any instructor who willingly brings in other teachers to fill his own deficiencies and will happily take his better students to study with others with skills to offer they might not have themselves. The best instructors are unafraid of honesty. To blindly follow someone on the premise that because he or she has done something a long time therefore they must be right, because they call themselves "Master" or "Sensei" or "Sifu" or simply because they have put themselves into the role of an instructor is certainly unwise. Common sense, taking note of real situations, reading, watching will all tell there own stories so don't ignore them. Listen to your own experiences!! My first martial art was Tae kwon do which at the time was very much the fashionable martial art. In some ways I was lucky because I landed at a club where the instructor was both honest and also ex military and unlike many in the TKD field had spent some time boxing and was reasonably progressive with his training. However after 2 years I had started reading Bruce Lee's JKD books and in practice started trying out many of the techniques and concepts outlined there. Bruce Lee's investigations led me to go to a local boxing club and voila.... Some of the guys I really couldn't do much with in sparring suddenly became much less trouble. The day I walked past one particular black belts' defences and landed several unanswered punches was the day I decided TKD had lost its appeal. I had my 5th or sixth grade at the time, no black belt. I didn't want one if 8 weeks boxing could wipe out the advantage of years of my opponents experience. Be prepared to walk!!! It was about the same time I decided to find a Wing Chun school. Like many people I decided to learn this martial art because it was the basis of Bruce Lee's thinking. One of the truly keenest and revolutionary minds that the martial arts world had ever produced had based many of his beliefs on his first system and that was good enough for me. Unfortunately finding a teacher to match was another matter. I was in a class almost exactly like I outlined in the scenario above aside from the fact I did have some sparring experience and was still boxing on and off. One year on my feelings towards this school were changing. Most of the students there couldn't handle my sparring ability, they couldn't handle pace or power, couldn't deal with my ability to kick. I stayed for another year although mainly because I'd met a guy very like minded who became my sparring partner and friend. We used the class to train together and often just experimented with our own ideas. Dave emigrated (returning years later to again help with my development) and that was me done with that school. Again the temptation to stay for the next grade, the next 'level' just lost its appeal and again the idea of chasing the black belt held nothing for me there. This particular school is a great example of a place where the instructor had lost all his humility and although a nice enough guy who did believe in his own ability he was neither skilled nor really honest. He would rarely chi sao and certainly never spar with his students, external training was very strongly discouraged. Everything was in house. There was never a comparison with the outside and students could blindly follow their "master" for many years achieving meaningless grades in a system that was never ever tested. The year that time forgot...... In 1993 two things happened that shook the martial arts world. The Ultimate Fighting Championships should have re educated the world as to what it takes to win a fight but much of the martial arts world myself included were unaware of it in its early days (although mixed martial arts certainly changed things for me later on) and a series of books by a gentleman by the name of Geoff Thompson, a night club doorman from Coventry. I can't remember whether it was 93 or 94 when I read "Watch my back", and then bought "Real Self Defence" and "The Pavement Arena". Real Self Defence is to my mind still one of the best books ever written on the subject of self protection in the street and "Pavement Arena" should be sent to every "traditional" martial arts club in the UK and beyond because its honest and frank discussion of what it takes for a martial art to be effective for real is still very relevant. The information in these two books certainly reinforced some views I held and gave me impetus to explore other aspects of my training. I recognised the truth of what the man said and acted upon it. I still find it amazing how the so many in the martial arts world still manage to ignore all the information available to them, if you wish to own a black belt that's worth more than the 5 quid you paid for it then don't be one of them. "You too can learn the ways of the force" I had ditched one martial art took up another and had sampled several others including traditional Ju Jitsu, Freestyle Karate and Kickboxing. Whenever I got sick with Wing Chun I went back to the boxing gym, often doing the two in tandem. My heart was with the kung fu style but often my head with the honest sweat of the gym. Looking back I have often thought that had I put the effort into my boxing over the years that I had my Wing Chun then I would be a better fighter today but as its turned out I now don't think that's true but not because I finally exited the temple doors a shaolin warrior monk with secret kung fu skills only revealed to me after years of training, nor did I face Darth Vader again to finally become a true Jedi. Like many others I continued to believe that if I just got that bit better in Wing Chun everything would fall into place and I would be the untouchable "Bruce Lee" type I'd seen in his films. I think many martial artists fall into this trap. The truth was I knew my Wing Chun training lacked something, I could see its potential, I knew it had something special, something I hadn't seen anywhere else but couldn't grasp what it was. So, I followed my Wing Chun instructor and continued to supplement my training now in the new realms of mixed martial arts. I learned some Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (A martial art with true depth that has become a second love), Wrestling, takedown defence and indeed takedowns. My new training and sparring partners often derided my Wing Chun training with "prove it, get in the ring, do it!!" In fairness they did give my hands some respect but would often put that down to my boxing and encouraged me to use my long reach and not play the 'Wing Chun' game. I'll finish this little story with a happy ending but bare with me for the moment and I'll return to the key points of what this article is about. When learning something new the worst thing to lose is time and many people in martial arts spend many years developing something that simply isn't really relevant in the belief that if they just get better at it then they'll see that thing, learn the ways of the force???? It'll all click?? It's also a total and utter lie