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#anways I am rambling

m3llowm1sh · 5 months

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cw for flashing lights tw for (slight?) ab*se mentions in the lyrics!

ok so ever since i saw this post (specifically the last pic) i could not stop thinking about how the first glass beach album is kind of cocole coded which led to me thinking about it for like almost a week which led me to start progress on this custom level of glass beach by. glass beach which. is far. VERY far from finished (7 FUCKING MINUTES ARE YOU KIDDING ME) but i wanted to share what i have of it it anyways bcuz. i need ppl to see my vision.

this post got longer than i thought it would so. More ramblings under the cut

ik the song is supposed to be about a girl’s parents being shitty and the guy wanting his lover to run away from them and stuff, but i have a plot in mind about how instead of parents its nicoles smoking addiction which keeps on hurting her and how cole is tired of it. i think its nice to explore their journey of cutting away from their addiction (even though its mostly talked about in the game… idk i still think its interesting) and how everyone else in the hospital helps them idk. also including some pining because that's always wonderful

theres also this little mini comic i drew w the first couple of lyrics of classic j dies and goes to hell part 1, theres not really a story its just random moments but i still think its decently alright? i am. not a storyteller. IDK

but anyways i just want people to get that they are so. glass beach coded and i could NOT get them off of my mind for the life of me. i hope i can muster up the motivation to finish the level because i really really want to and i think itd be cool idk RAMBLE OVER

#rhythm doctor #cocole #the first part of the level kinda sucks ngl i am terrible at making dialouge not awkward #IF ITS OOC IM INCREDIBLY SORRY #also when ians voice is there the players supposed to hit om every beat after the first one #im still not sure how to properly cue that since its not a blast beat since its not on 1s and 3s #????#also on the topic of the other first glass beach album songs #orchids is also very very them. probably more so than glass beach/blood rivers but i wanted to use that in the custom level cuz its more #plot heavy and dramatic? but orchids sends shivers down my spine too and it just fits them better actually #also cold weather. COLD WEATHER #nicoles off somewhere and long distance shenanigans ensue. it's also very them too minus the gay partLOL #just an idea #but idk im rambling in tags again AUGHG anways byee

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thepartyishere · 3 months

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This is long winded rant about Cogwheels by Akutagawa

I wrote this a while back in a fit of obsession over the irl Akutagawa (that will never go away). I'd consider it vague analysis/ summary and not 100% focused on the BSD character if that's what you're looking for. Tbh I'm practicing my analysis/ writing skills and I'm not very confident in them yet. All this warning, it's not actually that bad I think (hope), I just have high standards for myself.

Anyways this is for @twinksintrees who asked about it

PDF of Cogwheels by Akutagawa Ryunosuke that I used:

https://documents.pub/document/ryunosuke-akutagawa-cogwheels.html?page=1

Cogwheels is a fictional work by Akutagawa Ryunosuke, but it’s widely acknowledged to be a thinly veiled autobiography. It was written in 1927, the same year the author commits suicide.

The story follows the main character’s thought processes in his day to day life. The events that occur aren’t what captivates me, but the emotions and thought patterns described. The mood is consistently very alone, different, and other from the population. This feeling of otherness is furthered by the paranoia the main character is experiencing, which drives him away from the few people he knows and the various physical illnesses he struggles with. His thought patterns feel disjointed to the reader, containing lots of logical leaps. He'll notice a recurring theme or object, like seeing an airplane several times in different situations and become paranoid and obsessive over the meaning of it. Throughout the work these varying recurring themes seem random and unimportant to the reader until the climax in which the character goes on a walk and encounters each of the subjects of those recurring themes, which he had been perceiving as premonitions of insanity and death. The culmination of all the foreshadowed repetition and the subsequent breakdown he has as he believes he is dying breaks down the distance the reader feels to the illogical fears and thoughts. The paranoia becomes justified to an outside observer when it all comes together.

Cogwheels reflects Akutagawa’s deteriorating mental state, as he successfully committed suicide the same year it was written. According to his Wikipedia page, he had intensifying and persistent visual hallucinations throughout his life as well as anxiety. We’ll never know the specifics of his mental illness, but I believe liberties can be taken to apply the experiences of the main character in Cogwheels to its author as the story is mostly autobiographical. The main character’s thought patterns revealed what I interpreted as compulsions and possibly OCD (but I am not particularly knowledgeable on the subject), depression, paranoia and other symptoms I may not be able to diagnose. The way in which these experiences are written and the feelings the descriptions invoke could not have been done by someone who wasn’t experiencing those exact things.

The story feels like a very honest look into how Akutagawa thought and his worldview. This was written as his struggles and illnesses (mental and physical) were coming to climax. Another detail that may be Akutagawa’s thoughts projected is that multiple times in the story the character wants to admit himself to a mental hospital, but, "to go there meant death to me." Akutagawa’s life was plagued by fear of inheriting his mother’s madness. She was admitted to a mental institution when he was very young. Toward the end of his life that fear only grew as well as, "a vague sense of anxiety about my own future," which is one main reason for his suicide, given in his suicide note.

Regarding suicide, I can't help but think of how Dazai and Akutagawa's roles are reversed in BSD as they are in real life. The author Dazai greatly looked up to Akutagawa and I wonder what he may have thought and felt reading the works of a similarly depressed author. He was very affected by Akutagawa's death, being around 18 when it happened (Akutagawa was 35). The authors really are very similar, their works known for being bleak. It’s as if everyone else can't see how horrible things are and they are uniquely miserable in the world. As I continue to learn about the two authors I hope to compare their similarities in writing style and lifestyle in more depth.

Akutagawa also had connections to Junichiro, with whom he publicly disagreed over whether the content or the structure of a story is more important in writing. Akutagawa argued that structure, or how the story is told, is more important. Any relationships between the real life inspirations for the Bungou Stray Dogs characters interests me, and I find this opinion held by Akutagawa relevant to Cogwheels. The content of the story is the quite mundane and sad life of the character, while the descriptions of declining sanity and the emotions conveyed are what I believe make the work so compelling. I’d be interested in reading Junichiro’s work to compare how his preference for the content and plot of a story impacts his writing.

In Cogwheels, the character’s emotions are constantly being influenced by anything he may perceive as or relate to something negative. His “normal” thought patterns or casual day will be interrupted once he makes any sort of negative connection or suspicious observation. He will obsess over the meaning of it, spiraling into distress and anxiety.

This is my favorite example of that:

""Asylum" was precisely what it was. I somehow felt something soothing in the rosy tint of the wall and relaxed at a table. Fortunately there were only a few other customers there. I sipped a cup of cocoa and started to drag on a cigarette, as usual. The smoke rose in a faint blue stream up the rosy wall. The harmonious mingling of the soft colors was agreeable to me. But after a time I discovered a portrait of Napoleon on the wall to my left and began to feel uneasy again. When Napoleon was only a student, he had written on the last page of his geography notebook: "Saint Akutagawa Helena, a small island." lt might have been, as we say, only a coincidence. But it must have made even Napoleon shiver eventually . . . Gazing at Napoleon, I thought about my own work. And there burst upon me certain phrases in A Fool's Life. (Especially the words, "Life is more hellish than hell itself.") And also the hero's fate in my Hell Screen-a painter called Yoshihide. Then.. smoking I looked around the cafe trying to escape such memories. I had taken shelter here no more than five minutes earlier. Already the place had undergone a complete change. What made me most uncomfortable was the fact that the chairs and tables of imitation mahogany did not go with the rosy walls. Afraid I should fall into an agony imperceptible to others, I tried to get out of the cafe by quickly tossing down a silver coin."

This passage shows how one thing (a painting of Napoleon) will remind him of something negative and cause a downward spiral that seems to contain leaps between subjects, and he becomes distressed. As a fan of the writing style, I especially notice and admire the way Akutagawa describes the color of the wall as soothing in the beginning, with pleasant imagery, then cites the colors of the furniture and walls as his greatest source of discomfort in the end of the passage. The character feels as though the very environment around him has turned against him, changing with his shifting moods. What was pleasant has become hostile, the outside mirroring his inner state.

The last paragraph of Cogwheels is something that has struck me since the first time I read it. It’s the character’s reaction to the climax of the story, in which he went on a walk and had a breakdown over the culmination of the recurring premonitions:

“It was the most frightening experience in my life- l haven't the strength to go on writing. lt is inexpressibly painful to live in such a frame of mind. lsn't there anyone to come and strangle me quietly in my sleep?”

I am reminded of what Asagiri said in an interview: “This story (Bungou Stray Dogs) is not for people who are good at living.” Akutagawa was also arguably not good at living, which creates a connection between the inspiration for the manga character and its reader that fascinates me.

As much as I describe the thought patterns and paranoia in Cogwheels as something somewhat foreign, something experienced by someone who was nearing the end and reaching the height of their lifelong mental illness, I find some familiarity in it. Akutagawa was far from good at living and the lack of control and fear I sense in his life and in this story resonate with me. I’m drawn to the hopeless tone of his works and the tragedies of his life.

Sources and Further Info:

Akutagawa’s Wikipedia page

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ry%C5%ABnosuke_Akutagawa

Some of his childhood and analysis/ comparison to Edgar Allen Poe

https://www.washburn.edu/reference/bridge24/Akutagawa.html

BSD Wiki for some of the relationship between author Dazai and Akutagawa

https://bungostraydogs.fandom.com/wiki/Real-life_References

A partial translation of the Asagiri interview (@Popopretty1 on Twitter)

https://twitter.com/Popopretty1/status/16634469970163916

#friends it is 4:16 am and I am too tired to keep rereading this so here you go #I kinda don't love it but I'm proud of it anways #it takes practice to get good so this is practice #this kind of thing is why my mom thinks im bonkers lol #slippery slimey #bungou stray dogs #if you read it you can leave constructive criticism or say something nice:)#akutagawa #guys idk if im cold or just very anxious about posting this bc i am literally shaking probably both #this is the first thing ive posted from a computer usually im on my phone #ok ill stop rambling and actually hit post

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saturnisfallingdown · 9 months

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guy who asks his angel partner to light a smoke for him with their holy radiance but when he goes to take a drag his lungs are just filled with indescribable divine energy

#one of my posts thats less than 20% from being incomprehensible #anways. dean[i am taken out by hitmen]#saturn is rambling down

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lya-ayl · 1 year

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You know things are bad when I have to write in comic sans

#for context im trying to finish my essay #and i am drawing a blank #so i changed the font to comic sans #anway #lya rambles

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dbphantom · 1 year

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i gotta admit hearing zoro yell LEOPARD SPINNING BALLS while writing this was an experience im never ever gonna get again

Ignis hops the railing.

Gladio yells something before the water drags Ignis under. Brings him home.

The cold and the dark and the dredging current permeates his very being.

He looks up.

Low gray clouds blot the sky, smeared by the waves. Above him, Prompto leans over the railing and Gladio pulls his jacket off.

As much as they need to find Noct, he can't have the others throwing themselves into danger, too.

He drags a hand up- bloody and shifting- to touch the surface. From his fingers blooms a sheet of ice. It cradles the royal vessel and it swallows the waves and it divides them.

It's not hard- it's bitterly cold already. All it takes is the worry.

#testicular torsion the attack. i am losing it #poor kaku never stood a chance #the last time i watched enies lobby was in like middle school so i had no memory of that specific attack #anway here's won- h2o au #cruddy rambles #h2o au #alkali #i swear im working on chapter 2 im just also working on... everything else possible first.

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meiffel-tower · 2 years

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omg

i was just thinking about how i feel kind of awkward writing this priest back (he emailed me like a basic 'welcome thanks for filling out the guest card dadada i'd like the chance to get to welcome you more fully and chat sometime over coffee or something') because my brain is dumb and like 'what if you're not actually welcome there and don't belong bc you like stuff like romance novels with smut in them' (i mean that's not the only type of books i read and i dont read them just for the smut but anyways), and its not like there should be anything necessarily inherently spiritually wrong with embracing your sexuality in a way that doesn't hurt anyone else and respects the human dignity of all involved (i think/hope) but sometimes i still carry that residual 'im being bad' feeling about sexual stuff (and not like ~bad~ but like 'bad ):<') and ANYWAYS then i remembered that i went to a pub theology club the church offers and met two other parishioners and we talked about SJM books and they didn't seem ashamed about it and it legitimately made me feel more at ease lmao

#hiding this under a readmore just bc i'm a little embarrassed honestly lol #but not enough to not post it hahahaha #i mostly am saying it out loud in case there's ever even one other person now or in the future that can relate #but also its healthy and helpful to externalize stuf #and yeah it would just be nice to feel less alone in wanting to embrace both my spirituality and my sexuality #also the pub club is to talk about theology normally lmaooo it is not a book club to be clear #one girl just mentioned they had a dog named cassian and i was like 'no....... could it be after batboy cassian?'#(my other friend pointed out there's also a cassian in star wars and i was like omg how could i forget him all cassians are good boys #anways i'm truly rambling now bye #personal #txt

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