If I Knew How to Hold You, I Would
a Sceo song analysis for @sceosource's Sceo Weekend
As I was working on this lovely collaborative series, it struck me just how much of a Sceo Song™️ its namesake is. I couldn't help but break it all down:
You didn't know your own heart
Or how it might fit
I'm in the house that you grew up in, where you
Gave me it
It's giving bb!sceo. It's giving Theo coming out of his evil era and having a Moment™️ back in Scott's house.
Maybe he's thinking about all the ways Scott is still the same as he was when they were kids—loving, trusting, unbearably kind to everyone, but not sure what to do when it comes to himself.
Or, maybe, Theo's thinking about himself, and a time when loving Scott wasn't so complicated.
You said it makes you feel small
That your heart is so big
But you just gave a piece for some kind of
Counterfeit
Scott has the biggest, most open heart, even when he maybe shouldn't. It makes sense that having such a big heart and giving to everyone else, he hasn't got much left for himself. Of course he feels small! He cares so much, and so deeply, and even if he won't say it outright, he's just longing to feel cared for that way, too.
As a result, he wound up giving some of that heart to Theo when Theo was planning to crush it. A trade for counterfeit friendship.
Counterfeit love.
(Continued below the cut)
Now the sun has gone down
On a road that we chose
You know your words are a light, you should
Lead with those
Theo thinks there's really no path for them anymore. Scott chose to trust Theo, and Theo chose to destroy Scott. Snuffed out that fire before it could burn.
But! Scott came back! And, somehow, he's still a bright light through all the darkness, even if Scott can't see it. And there's no reason he should, Theo knows he doesn't deserve it, but Scott is still giving Theo another chance. Still puts some faith in him.
Then the song takes a turn, and it's Scott now:
Sure deliverance
Lives through heartache
What a difference your new start made
Your deliverance
For a namesake
What a difference that a day[year] made
They've both hurt so much, and they've specifically got a lot of that between them given their History™️. And it's hard for Scott to truly trust Theo, and it's hard for Scott to let him in, but he also can't really help himself. Not when Theo's so clearly working to be better.
Neither of them are the same kids they were in fourth grade, but they aren't the same as when they were seniors in high school, either! What matters is somehow through the pain they've found a way toward the end of each of their darkness, and on the other side the sun shines bright on a new path they can choose.
The chorus is both of them:
How you long for me to find what you've been burying
How your hands are too small for what they've been carrying
How many words have I wrote down without saying it
If I knew how to hold you I would
Scott's thinking Theo has to open up and stop burying everything deep. The good gets swallowed up with the bad, and how can the light ever reach him when he shuts and locks every way in?
Theo's thinking Scott has always tried to carry too much: the burden of everyone he meets, the crushing weight of the world, his own heart filled heavy with all the things he feels but doesn't share.
They're both thinking about the other and how much they want to be able to help, be close, but they just can't find the words.
If they knew how to hold each other, they would.
It finally circles back to Scott, the one (imho) most likely to initiate anything, considering who he is as a person versus Theo:
Will you open all your windows?
I could hold you now
If Theo could just let him in, if they could just try...Maybe it's still hard to be vulnerable and trusting, and maybe they don't know how to hold each other yet.
But they can do it anyway.
They can figure it out. Together.
Thank you for coming to my SCEO Talk. Tune in next time.
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11 & 13 for Monaco Malaise, please ☺️
Ahhh I wasn’t expecting anyone to ask 😍😭 thank you!
11: What do you like best about this fic?
Oh my gosh *frantically googles how to write self-praise without coming off as arrogant* 😰
If I’m honest the thing I like most is Max!
I loved getting in his head and twisting it a bit away from how he’s often characterised. Oscillating between him giving in to his feelings and reeling them back in was fun!
I personally feel like he’d be a really attentive lover. He’s proven time and time again he’s incredibly protective over his family, and wants to make them proud. So much so, I feel it’d be a major blow to his ego if he can’t satisfy his partner, so I wanted him to give in to that, to explore that.
13: What music did you listen to, […] what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?
I only remember listening to Harry Style’s album Harry’s House while writing. It dropped close to when I finished the first draft, and I had Little Freak, Matilda, and Satellite on repeat.
However, I don’t really feel like those songs match the ✨vibe✨ necessarily… See below the cut for songs I feel suit/set the mood:
Hurt Nobody - Andrew Belle
🎶 I don't wanna waste your time, but I
Will if you want me to 🎶
Pulling Me Under - Kevin Garrett
🎶 Because your touch, your touch, your touch
Is pulling me under 🎶
Don’t Rush - Kevin Garrett
🎶 Don't hurry, don't rush
Tell me, can you prove you'll love me as much?🎶
Running Out - Etham
🎶Once again I’m stuck in the middle of
Wanting to let to, needing to keep hope🎶
Fanfic Q&A ❤️
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