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coeurdastronaute · 7 years

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From Eden VII

Some more From Eden? Maybe a light chapter - big Hollywood movie star comes for dinner and meets Clarke's parents?

Previously on From Eden

“Are you sure about this?”

“No, but I think it’s a bit late for second guessing.”

The highway lazily curved and bent through the trees, half trailing the edge of ocean on one side. The water was calm and still, the Atlantic not particularly interested in waking from its summer nap despite how late into the evening it was getting. From time to time, a house would appear, interjecting itself into the woods, a long driveway seen snaking up and disappearing. It was entirely foreign and new to the actress, and so despite her girlfriend’s worry, she was excited.

Never before had Lexa considered the state of Connecticut. It was always just there; tiny and unassuming and well-enough alone in its little corner of the world, not bothering a soul. But just the peak at it as they drove toward Clarke’s hometown left Lexa very confused about the girl who sat beside her who, at one point in the not too distant past, lived on a street that house multiple pawn shops and liquor stores and what she was certain was an illicit neighbor. It was very far removed from the town they were driving through.

“I can’t believe you used to live here,” Lexa finally ventured.

“I can’t believe I’m taking you home,” Clarke returned with a wild kind of grin.

“It’s going to be fine, you know?”

“Yeah. I know.”

The way she said it made Lexa almost certain that the opposite was true, but she didn’t bother trying to change her mind. Instead, she kissed her hand and let the world bloom through the windshield.

Downtown was a blink. There was nothing to it except tiny shops and restaurants and benches and storefronts. People milled about, laughing and perusing. Kids with ice cream cones ran ahead. It was perfect.

“How long has it been since you’ve been home?” Lexa ventured as they made a few turns and left the bustling metropolis of the sleepy seaside town.

“What’s today?”

“August fifth.”

“Oh yeah, just, you know. About four years.”

“You said a little while.”

“That is a little while. A bit. Cosimically, I mean,” Clarke checked her mirror as she turned on her blinker. “I see my parents at least once a year, they come out and visit. I just haven’t been back here.”

“You’re just full of surprises.”

Sheepishly Clarke smiled.

The house on Maple Street was exactly what Lexa could never imagine growing up in. She remembered her little house she shared with her parents, a little box of a thing. Not that they wanted for much, just that they were much more modest.

As soon as the car slipped into park, Lexa tilted her head and looked at the old white home with navy blue shutters, with the moulding around the huge porch, with the flowers and the manicured lawn, with the glowing windows and screen door and lights. She remembered being fourteen and spending the weekend at a friends house and having that inadequate feeling. It was still very much alive in her.

“Are you ready?”

“I think I should be asking you that,” Clarke chuckled.

“Clarke, I am a highly desired actress who just was in a film that won the Palme D’Or. I play a damn superhero who wields a mace. I’m well travelled, somewhat educated, and at least to supplement my lack of degrees, I might dare say well-read. I am not afraid of meeting your parents.”

“None of that matters when you’re sleeping with their daughter.”

Lexa gulped.

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” she whined, deflating quite quickly from the pretend confidence she tried to instill within herself. Clarke chuckled and leaned over to kiss her girlfriend’s cheek.

“You are, by far, one of the best people I’ve ever met. They’re going to love you,” she promised.

“You are my favorite, and they already love you,” Lexa promised with a smile as she earned a kiss.

“You’re so cute when you’re naive.”

Somehow, Lexa realized, she was standing on the porch of a beautiful house, with a beautiful girl, and she was about to meet someone’s parents in the ‘I’m-dating-your-daughter’ kind of way. She knew, the entire drive up, that she would be doing this, the meeting, the shaking hands, the smiling and being polite. But it was suddenly very, very real.

For the briefest of instants, she absolutely hated her girlfriend. Right there, in the middle of Connecticut, she hated her for one blink in time. Because of those damn eyes and those hips and that voice, she agreed to spend the weekend there for her father’s birthday. If Clarke had been anyone else, she wouldn’t be in this predicament. But Clarke wasn’t, and that was why Lexa was madly in love with her.

“Finally!” a man burst through the screen door as soon as Clarke knocked. He wrapped her up in a huge kind of hug, eclipsing her entirely. “Honey, our long lost progeny has returned.”

Somewhere, muffled in his arms, Clarke mumbled a response, hugging him back just as tightly. Lexa stood to the side, carefully holding the presents and bags, glad to have something to do with her hands.

“How was that?” he finally laughed, pulling away.

“Plenty embarrassing, thank you,” Clarke laughed, catching her breath, still half hanging on her dad. “I want to introduce you to Lexa.”

“It’s a pleasure. I feel like I know you already,” he beamed, hugging her around her full arms. “Hawkgirl.”

“I told you to stop telling people about my secret identity,” Lexa admonished her girlfriend who weakly held up her hands in defeat.

It was going too well, it was going too smoothly, Lexa was too at ease, and Clarke was too far antsy to remember the impending weight that would try to tear her apart. For the longest, Jake grinned and held Lexa’s shoulder happily. And then the screen door shut.

“It only took how many years?” Abby said, holding out her arms. It took a moment, but Clarke hugged her back, relaxing into it as she was known to do.

“Hi, Mom. The guilt can wait a few, right?”

“A few,” she smiled and relaxed, sizing up her daughter, holding her cheeks and scanning her for defects. “You don’t eat enough.”

“I eat too much,” her daughter promised. “I want you to meet Lexa. She makes sure I’m fed and watered most days.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Dr. Griffin,” Lexa offered after a moment, extending her hand.

“Same to you.”

She wasn’t sure why, but Lexa found herself looking at her girlfriend for help, unsure of what or how or if that feeling was normal. Instead, she just got her father slapping her shoulder and helping to grab bags.

The evening set in and the heat from the summer kicked up with the bugs and the shouts from neighbor kids chasing the last bit of streetlight. Sticks slapped the ground as a makeshift game of some sort happened just beyond the tree line while the four found themselves relaxing in the heat on the porch, letting the dark envelope them with a kind of welcome that could only come from late summer evenings.

Since their arrival, Clarke had been on edge, and Lexa was able to pick up on it quickly. It was a fine line the artist was walking, to keep herself calm enough to put her girlfriend at ease while at the same time hosting her own internal gladiator match of emotions that came with being home after leaving and promising to never return.

But the actor knew it already, knew how complex home was for Clarke, admired her more for setting out on her own, refusing to adhere to her mother’s wishes. She just couldn’t fathom what it meant for her, sitting between two ridiculously strong-willed women while simultaneously trying to make a good impression and be supportive.

The porch swing croaked in a rhythm as Lexa lazily pushed them to catch the tiniest breeze while the lights from inside spilled out like ghosts onto the porch, casting them all in orangey hues and shadows.

Just a few hours in, dinner under their belts, and she hadn’t messed anything up yet. Her confidence was building as she carefully repeated Anya’s mantra that she was Lexa Fucking Woods, and she was any parent's’ dream. Almost instantly, Lexa had reminded her of the numerous cover stories and girls she’d blown through in her grief-stricken stupor. Anya had nothing for that.

“So I’ve never gotten the full how you met story,” Abby pressed as she took a seat on one of the padded chairs and handed her husband another beer. The screen door finally shut behind her with a gentle thwap.

“It was actually really sweet,” Clarke smiled at her girlfriend who blushed slightly.

It was foreign and wonderful, to see Lexa so worried. The girl could stand in front of a dozen photographers in a ridiculously beautiful dress and make up and have them eating out of the palm of her hand, have them adoring her while she whispered little jokes and basically didn’t notice she had that effect on people. And now she was sitting on a front porch, awkwardly sipping a drink she didn’t like, blushing at the idea of someone knowing her personally. Clarke enjoyed it more than she ought.

“I think you said it was at work, right?” Jake asked, relaxed in his corner.

“Lexa walked in and asked for some books on a painter, or painting.”

“It was a painting or the subject of a painting. It was confusing, but it turns out I picked the most knowledgeable person on the planet to ask,” Lexa supplied. “She knew exactly who I was, fumbled some books, and gave me a stack about three feet tall to read.”

“That almost degree wasn’t a complete waste then,” Abby almost scoffed. Dig number six, Lexa counted to herself.

“And that was around lunchtime,” Clarke ignored her mother, squeezing Lexa’s leg gently. “She holed up and I’d look over and see her every time I passed the aisle all day. For about eight hours. Until she disappeared and then came back about a half hour later with dinner. I closed up and we spent the night talking about art and work and all kinds of stuff.”

“Not a terrible first date,” Lexa grinned, teasing Clarke as best she could.

“That is actually a wholesome story I wasn’t expecting,” her father chuckled and took a longer swig from his bottle.

“It was nice. And no one else really knows the story. I think we keep it just ours,” Lexa realized. “I like that most.”

“That must be hard, being in the public eye the way you are,” the mother leaned forward slightly.

“It can be,” the actress shrugged. “Sometimes it’s funny. But if anything it kind of makes us talk more, be more open, trust. I think it’s going alright.”

“Yeah, alright,” Clarke pretended to be apathetic, though smiled and kissed Lexa’s cheek softly.

“Listen, I’ve held out as long as I could,” Jake shook his head, interrupting the sweet moment. “I have to know who the villain is going to be in the third one and if you’re going to join the Justice League. Also, if it’s true you’re going to be making an appearance in Birds of Prey.”

“I told you he’d love you,” the daughter whispered.

“You just had to tell him my secret identity.”

“Jake, please. Come on. You’re worse than a child,” Abby shook her head. “I’m sorry for him.”

“Not a problem,” Lexa chuckled. “Unfortunately I can’t tell you anything.”

“My daughter can.”

For a moment, Clarke caught her girlfriend’s eyes and debated it. She saw Lexa’s tell, and realized that they almost had their own language, developed and tested through many moments in which they were very public and wanted to be on the same page. Just a tilt of a head or drift of a glance said enough.

“Let’s just say that we’re going to spend the winter in San Francisco.”

“That’s where the Birds of Prey are meeting,” Jake explained with a wide grin on his face as he chuckled.

“I didn’t know you were acting now, Clarke,” Abby turned her head from the teenager she seemed to be married to, and back to her enigma of a daughter.

“I could never.”

“You do alright when you help me learn lines,” Lexa promised. “Potential for sure.”

“Never.”

“So you just go wherever Lexa goes?”

“Not exactly. I have the freedom to work wherever,” she shrugged.

“It’s not even that,” Lexa interjected. “You get to do that show with your friend Jeremey. He’s an artist out there, does a lot of experimental, street art type stuff. When I’m working, sometimes we can go a few days without seeing each other, even when we live together.”

“You live together?” Abby asked, shocked slightly.

“Oops.”

“We’ve been dating for two years. Of course we live together,” Clarke chuckled, soothing Lexa’s worry.

“Alright, so we know Lexa is going to be shooting parts of Birds of Prey. Tell me more about what you’re up to, kid,” Jake took Lexa’s lead, interjecting himself into the conversation to stave off the inevitable fight just a little longer.

“Tell him about the giant painting. The one that takes up the whole garage,” Lexa urged.

There was a peace there, for a moment. It was tenuous, but Lexa held onto it as hard as she held onto her girlfriend who grew excited and spoke with her hands while her father did the same thing. Quietly, Abby sipped her drink and pressed it against her neck, thinking.

The bedroom at the end of the hall on the left was a museum. Pale blue walls and white molding, big, airy windows, lace curtains that showed the backyard and the huge elm tree that stood beside the porch outside. The bed was made, the heavy white and blue duvet puffed and primed, the pillows sitting up as if they’d been curated. The light on the nightstand glowed against it all. In the daylight it would be a different sight, but for the night it was a treasure trove.

Lexa was taken most with the art on the walls. There weren’t bands or sport stars or even many personal photos tacked up anywhere. But the one wall was nearly covered in scraps, just like she remembered Clarke’s apartment being the first night she spent over there. The sketches were definitely not as good as what she did now, but there was still a certain style that remained consistent. Lexa was certain she could tell a straight line that was Clarke’s from anyone else’s in the world.

She let her eyes glance over the bookshelf, with its ponies and girlhood knicknacks. She traced the spines of a few well-loved books stacked there. On the dresser sat a few trophies and some jewelry. None of it individual amounted to much, but in the artifacts of Clarke’s life, they were all, as a total, monumental.

“It’s a good shower, isn’t it?” Clarke breezed in, shutting the door behind her. Lexa jumped at the newest arrival, as if her looking and tracing was a crime.

“I felt so much better,” she smiled. “I hate feeling like an airplane.”

“Find anything good enough to mock me yet?”

All too quickly, the towel around Clarke’s chest was dropped as she dug through the suitcase for clothes. It was enough to make Lexa forget which state she was even in at the moment. Though something about the glow-in-the-dark stars plastered to the roof caught her attention.

“It’s just very… you. Normal. I would have been more surprised if it was pink and covered in boy bands. But this seems… very Clarke.”

All she earned was a snort when Clarke finally pulled out one of her own old shirts and put it over her head after sliding on underwear. The windows were open and the breeze was aided by fans blowing. The cool of the evening slipped in and tickled their legs.

“I’m exhausted,” the artist complained as she flopped onto her bed. “And did you hear my mom all evening? It’s going to be a long weekend.”

“She wasn’t terrible. I don’t think she likes me though. “

“To be expected.”

In a dramatic fall, Lexa landed beside her girlfriend as they sunk into her double bed, much closer than they were used to in Lexa’s huge one, or all of the kings they used on vacation across the world.

“I wonder if my stars will still glow,” Clarke breathed, settling her cheek on the actor’s shoulder.

“You know that what your mom says doesn’t matter, right? You have a great life, and I think we’re happy.”

“We are. I’m so damn happy with where my life is going,” she promised as Lexa fiddled with their hands, kissing her palm in that sappy way she liked to do. “Don’t worry about that.”

“Great. So no worrying for either of us. We’re just here to celebrate your dad’s birthday and then leave. No harm, no foul.”

Lazily, the curtains breathed in the night, gently wafting the fans into the room. Clarke turned more to her side, slid her leg over her girlfriend’s hip, slid her hand to her chest, pulled up a little on the old tank top she wore, teased the warm skin of her ribs.

Both laid there and listened to the crickets singing, to the far off noises of the trees dancing and swaying with little need other than the music of the summer night making them antsy. Lexa kissed Clarke’s forehead as the house creaked a bit, as a door shut somewhere, as voices were heard but not understood from the kitchen window.

“So, do you want to fulfill some of my teenage dreams and make out in my room while my parents are home or…?” Clarke finally whispered, earning a smile that grew wide on Lexa’s cheeks. She held her hands on those warm ribs and held her laugh there.

“Is there a list?”

“Oh boy, is there,” she promised, slipping her leg between her girlfriend’s as her hands moved around ribs and to skin on hips.

“That’s why you invited me.”

“Mostly.”

“You never made out with anyone in your room?” Lexa recalled, cocking her head slightly.

“Did you?”

“Me and Anya moved into a tiny apartment when she started going to school. I started working at sixteen, and before that I didn’t really… um. No. I didn’t get the chance,” she swallowed.

“Mom wouldn’t let me really have anyone in my room after I got caught making out with Katy Dietrich in the baseball dugout at the high school.”

“Wow.”

“If people came over, it was always downstairs only. And then we’d just make out on the couch or porch.”

“Oh, my.”

“We can do that tomorrow,” Clarke promised, yawning slightly. “For now you can settle for my bed.”

With a shake of her head, Lexa leaned and shut off the light. Carefully, they slipped under the blankets. By the time they met in the middle, both were so tired they didn’t even notice the green glow of the constellations that meticulously covered the ceiling. Instead, they lazily kissed and slid hands under what little clothes they wore and felt like the sneaky teenagers neither really got to be.

Before she could really fathom what was happening, the day was set. Before she even got her coffee, before she properly opened her eyes, the agenda was made and she didn’t have the wherewithal to fight back against it.

Grumpy and dazed and with hair like a rat’s nest, Clarke stood in the kitchen clutching her coffee cup with one hand and holding up Lexa’s old sweatpants on her hips with the other, scowling at the perky morning that existed.

“Let’s go, Clarke, we have a lot to get done today,” her mother tutted about, cleaning up the breakfast she missed and stacking her paper’s in a fine line and row.

“What? How?”

Around her, the house was already alive. Lexa helped pick up dishes, already showered and dressed and ready for her apparent day trip with Jake to the tennis court and club.

“We’re all leaving in about a half hour,” her father informed her. “You didn’t tell me Lexa played.”

“You know me, full of surprises,” she grinned as her father kissed her cheek. Lexa just blushed slightly at the sink.

While her mother and father buzzed with excitement, Clarke remained still, leaning there against the counter. She wanted about another hour of sleep and to finish that make out from the night before, but here she was, disappointed and decaffeinated.

“So what’s happening?” she asked her girlfriend.

“Your dad invited me to play tennis with him and a few people from the club,” she shrugged. “I think he wants to show off Hawkgirl. Just wait til he sees my forehand.”

“I do love your forehand,” Clarke grinned.

“While we’re playing, you’re going to go help your mom set up for the party.”

“How did I draw that straw?”

“You refused to get up when I told you it was time for breakfast.”

“Mmmm,” she hummed as Lexa scooted closer, trapping her against the cabinets. “My dad really does like you, and not because he’s a huge comic book nerd.”

“I really like him too,” Lexa promised, pressing her hips against the sleepy girls. “He reminds me of my dad a little. Which is… it’s kind of really nice, actually. They’re not exactly alike, but all dads have this kind of dad-ness to them.”

“Can’t I play tennis with you two?” Clarke whined leaning forward and hiding in neck, earning a chuckle.

“I heard you’re banned from the tennis courts.”

“That’s from something non related to tennis playing!” she complained.

“Go get ready,” Lexa rolled her eyes, impervious to the objections.

By the time they were pulling up to the country club that she absolutely loathed, Clarke was certain that it was a nightmare and she was still asleep. How else could she explain her girlfriend who she never saw play a sport, suddenly be a tennis star, swapping stats about some tournament with her father? How else could she explain how she managed to get dressed and somehow was transported to the ninth circle of hell that was the Elmhurst Country Club? How else could she explain the words her mother was saying the sounded like a to-do list?

The pinch she gave her own arm quite discreetly, didn’t wake her up though. This was real. This was happening.

“Have fun. I’ll see you for lunch,” Lexa smiled and kissed her cheek gently as she followed Jake. The giant man put his arm around her shoulder, guiding her toward the changing rooms and court.

Helplessly, Clarke watched them go, her voice failing her to call out for a savior. Instead, she got her mother calling her name in the opposite direction, and hung her head, resigned to her fate.

Somewhere between being directed this way and than, between making runs for the proper table glitter not once, but twice, Clarke gave up to the will of the world, stopped at the gas station a mile down the road and drank her slushie very slowly. By the time she got back with her single bag of table adornment, her mother was stuffing gift bags quietly.

“It took you an hour to go to the party store?” Abby shook her head.

“Traffic.”

“Why is your tongue blue?”

“I’m probably contagious. I should just go,” Clarke nodded eagerly.

“Help me with these please,” her mother pulled out a chair, and her daughter could feel the trap that was set, and yet she was helpless.

The goal of the trip was to never be separated from Lexa, and never be alone with her mother. Very simple. Very easy. And then she found herself in that situation, and she wished she hadn’t gotten a brain freeze and she wished she had gotten lost. Lexa could find another way to the airport.

Carefully, Clarke tied ribbons and slipped candy and little gifts into the bags, which still made no sense to her, but she didn’t fight. Her entire existence had always been a quiet rebellion against her mother, though she’d learned what was worth it.

It took all of five awkward and silent minutes for her mother to start the inevitable, to launch that cannon, to fire that shot heard round the world, so to speak.

“So you moved out of that apartment?”

“I did. I do miss my proximity to multiple pawn shops though,” Clarke sighed. She could practically feel her mother pace in her own head. “Lexa’s place is much nicer.”

“I’m sure it is.”

“I pay rent still. She doesn’t ask for it, but I can’t not contribute,” she explained. “Maybe you and dad can stay there the next time you’re in town.”

“How was your trip? You only sent a few emails,” Abby tried.

“It was amazing. Spain, Amsterdam, Turkey, India, Japan. We saw so much stuff and stayed at these amazing places. I’m excited to get back though,” Clarke realized. “I missed LA, our friends, a good schedule.”

“Sounds spectacular.”

For a moment, neither knew how to get to point B of the conversation. Clarke knew that the moment she agreed to come for her father’s fiftieth birthday, that she was in for a fight with her mother. That was just how it went.

The day she dropped out of med school, she knew that their relationship would never be the same. She kind of hoped that one day it would get better. But now, she just knew, deep down, that perhaps it was all done, that she would never have it.

It wasn’t a relationship that was particularly strong. Abby worked because it was easier than the teenage girl at home. She wasn’t particularly warm or touchy feely. She couldn’t handle anything after Clarke turned ten. Everything was foreign after that.

“If you don’t like Lexa will you just say in?”

The bag she was stuffing got tossed absently onto the table. Clarke didn't’ care much about it, and she couldn’t keep up much more of the quiet and the brooding and her mother’s terrible method of keeping things to herself. She just sat there judging and knowing and it was every reason Clarke never felt especially close to her.

“I like her plenty. I just met the girl.”

“You don’t like her. She’s an artist. She travels too much, pays for too much, has those pictures with other girls.” Abby scoffed. “I know you’ve googled her. I know you know about her. But in the time we’ve been together, she’s been… she goes against the fear she has and she’s been so wonderful. I love her.”

“She sounds like a wonderful girl.”

“Then what is it?”

“She’s fine.”

“Come on, Mom. Let’s just get this done so we can awkwardly avoid each other for the rest of the trip.”

That was it. That was the last moment that made Abby lose the veneer of cook she attempted to keep to herself. With a flourish, she slammed her hand down on the table and made her daughter jump. It took a second, but she took a deep breath and heaved a heavy sigh from the depths of her heart.

“I’ve never known you,” Abby shook her head. “I don’t get you. I never have and I am painfully aware of that. So I’m trying my best to figure it all out, to not spark a fight that makes you run away from home for years so that we only get life updates from you in the form of magazine articles and Instagram posts.”

Clarke winced at the idea of it all. She hurt her mother in the same ways her mother hurt her, she went into it ready to disconnect. It made her uncomfortable. She looked guilty enough at the new information.

“Lexa is holding you back,” Abby shook her head. “You were… you had dreams and you had things you wanted to accomplish. Now you run around, on her schedule.”

“That’s not true,” Clarke disagreed quickly.

“What are you striving for? I know I wanted you to do more than art,” she furrowed and clenched her jaw. “I just don’t understand what you’re doing.”

“You’ve… you’ve got it so wrong,” her daughter tried. “If I still wanted to work in the bookstore, Lexa wouldn’t care. I get to travel. I’ve worked with so many new people. I’ve painted more, I’ve put on a show. I got to make enough to support myself. Lexa has, without even meaning to, given me freedom. She… I fight her to let me pay for things, and she tells me to go do whatever I want. She’s done nothing but offer her full support for whatever I do, and I do the same for her. If that means I work from her trailer in Newfoundland for a few months, what do I care?”

“Because it’s supposed to be about you! There’s you to think about!”

“Mom, that’s stupid~ Why can’t we support each other in different ways?”

“I just don’t want you to get lost in… what you don’t want like m--”

“Like you?” Clarke finished. “Because you gave up so much because dad wanted a family. You’re not the head of some Swedish research neuro lab because Dad wanted a family and a house and the quiet life in the suburbs?”

“Yes.”

“Because you had me when you didn’t want me.”

“I don’t regret that.”

“But you didn’t want it.”

“Clarke, you've been the best thing I’ve ever done. That’s not it!”

“Me and Lexa aren’t you and Dad.”

It was a stalemate of sorts, with words that both wanted to say finally appearing and surprising themselves with probably the most honest conversation either ever remembered having with the other. THe gift bags were half finished, half spilled out on the table with their candy guts remaining unstuffed.

“Hey,” Lexa poked her head into the quiet room. “Are you guys ready for lunch?”

As tense as it was, Lexa smiled, sunshine and freshly showered from her morning on the courts. She gave Clarke a look for a moment, sizing it up and knowing something was happening, unsure if she should leave or stay or try something else. It was a small bit of language between them, imperceptible at best.

“We demolished Andy and Sharon,” Jake waltzed in a second later. “You should have seen it.”

“Finally. You’ve been itching to even the score,” Abby swallowed and smiled back at her husband.

“I can’t wait to tell you about it,” he extended his arm. “And for you to see Andy’s face.”

Lexa waited until they made it to the door to approach her girlfriend. It was cautious and gentle, but she knew how to navigate the waters of Clarke Griffin. Hyped up on her win and the feeling of having fatherly approval, she was untouchable, and wanted to share that. She always just wanted to share the good parts with Clarke.

“Hey, you okay?” she tried.

“I am, Champ,” Clarke nodded, winding her arms around her actor’s shoulders. She kissed her sweetly. “Did you have fun?”

“I did. I like your dad. He’s so much fun. And he only called me Hawkgirl four times.”

“Progress.”

“You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m starving.”

“Are you sure everything’s okay with--”

“I’m still madly in love with you.”

“Well thank goodness I didn’t ruin that without being near you.”

“Let’s go eat. Me and you have plans tonight.”

The beach was nearly empty. A bonfire existed about a half mile up from where they settled on the blanket. The waves murmured and hemmed and sighed and hummed to themselves while the sand just slumbered under it. Even though the summer heat remained, a blanket atop the town, it was the calm of the beach and the waves and the breeze that cooled the sand and made the evening have that chill, that famous summer cold.

“This is your favorite place?” Lexa asked, kissing Clarke’s neck and settling her chin on her shoulder.

“I love it here,” Clarke nodded. At night, I always just wanted to walk out there until I disappeared. There’s something calming about the idea of disappearing.”

“It’s a good spot,” she agreed. “How many did you bring out here to seduce?”

“Oh none. This was always just mine.”

“I’m honored.”

There wasn’t missing the tilt to her voice, and Lexa just wrapped her arms tighter around her girlfriend. If she could keep her there, if she could hold her well enough, then she would be alright. That was all she had, that was her logic.

“I heard what your mom said, before lunch today. I didn’t mean to, I just…”

“She doesn’t know us.”

Clarke ran her hand along Lexa’s forearms, made her hold her tighter.

“If I’ve ever made you feel like my career or my… life or wants or needs are more important than yours, I am so sor--”

“Are you kidding me?” Clarke scoffed. “You bend over backwards for me. That’s what we do. Nothing that she said was anything I’d ever thought.”

“I just want you to know--”

“Lexa, seriously. I didn’t want you to hear that. Because it’s not true.”

With a small smile, Lexa dug her nose into her girlfriend’s neck, kissed her hair, kissed every part she could reach, squeezed her legs around her.

“But still. If you ever… if there’s every anything. If you need anything from me…”

Decidedly, Clarke turned slightly, repositioning her hips. She shook her head and put her hand on Lexa’s cheek and neck, grabbed at the collar of her borrowed sweatshirt.

“Don’t let her get in your head. She’s not in mine.”

“Okay.”

“I really didn’t want you to hear that.”

“Me neither.”

“We’re good.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmm, very,” Clarke smiled and leaned forward to kiss her girlfriend.

She let Lexa pull her backward, she laid atop her, she was very happy.

The entirety of her father’s address book and contact list was in attendance. The ballroom filled, the bar and the patio overflowed with friends and family who hadn’t seen each other in ages. There was dancing and games and so much food and booze, it felt like Gatsby himself was behind the shindig. The summer night was alive with the frivolity of the event so that the country club on the hill was brimming brighter than the town by the bay.

“This is Lexa, my daughter’s girlfriend,” Jake shook hands with an old colleague. Lexa did the same. “Helped me beat Andy the other day in doubles. Wicked backhand.”

Well-versed in all manner of boring parties in which she did not know anyone, Lexa slipped into her role quite easily, quickly taking up as Jake’s sideshow piece to show off to friends. It didn’t bother her. If anything, it was nice to have someone brag about her for something so normal and not about her day job. All he wanted to do was make sure she would be back for the club doubles tournament, and he wanted everyone to know he was a contender this year with his secret weapon. Because more important than love and happiness, his daughter had selected a wonderful tennis player for a girlfriend, and he was proud.

“So what is it you do?” someone asked.

“Oh, I…” she furrowed at the thought, refreshed entirely at anonymity. “I fly. A lot. I just got my wings a few years ago.”

Beside her, Jake grinned into his whiskey.

“A pilot? What do you think of those mergers with--”

“I’m afraid I’m not allowed to say much as a member of the union,” she tried, politely excusing herself.

Far on the other side of the room, she caught that familiar shade of blonde and tried to figure out how she was going to get there.

“Why don’t you go find that daughter of mine? I’m sure Abby has pictures and such if I can find her.”

“It was so nice to meet you,” Lexa smiled warmly and shook that man’s hand before nodding to her girlfriend’s father.

It was hard to squeeze through, to find some kind of method of being polite and yet forceful. The entire day had felt like that though, carefully tiptoeing around the Cold War that raged between mother and daughter. Clarke said it was okay. Abby didn’t change a bit, and yet Lexa knew the words were festering in her girlfriend’s head. They had to be.

But Lexa didn’t push. It was much easier this way, and she knew nothing would come of it if she bothered Clarke. The artist was fickle in that she had to choose when she could say what she wanted and had been thinking.

“You look absolutely fantastic,” Lexa smiled wide as Clarke swayed closer to her through the crowd.

“You’ve already used that line on me tonight, Ms. Woods,” Clarke retorted, earning a kiss on her cheek and a hand on her hip.

“I still mean it.”

“It’s still working. Do you want to get out of here?”

“The party just started.”

“I think it’s expected of me, the resident bad seed, to pull something,” Clarke decided quite seriously. “You’ll ruin my reputation.”

There wasn’t much choice in the matter. As soon as Clarke looked around and saw her mother nowhere in sight, she grabbed her hand and tugged her toward the back entrance. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she still had a working knowledge of the secret routes of the country club.

“Where are you dragging me? You’re going to get me banned and then I won’t be able to defend my doubles title with your dad,” Lexa complained, half-hearted and amused at the covert methods of her girlfriend.

Carefully, they snuck through halls and past familiar guests.

“Like they’re going to ban Lexa Woods from coming here,” she snorted as they snuck through the kitchen. “You’re the talk of the town. Literally. People are talking about you in town.”

“How could they not? I beat Andy and Sharon at doubles.”

She didn’t mean to, but Lexa bumped into Clarke as she paused right there on the sidewalk.

“Oh my goodness,” she exclaimed. “I’ve done it. I’m dating my father.”

“Very funny.”

With a kiss, Clarke smiled and tugged her once again as they veered off of the sidewalk and down into the grass. They moved behind the trees, they moved carefully through the dark. Behind them, the party continued, none the wiser, with bursts of laughter and levity emerging through the open windows.

“Is this on your list?” Lexa finally asked as a flag appeared on the green of what she thought must be the ninth hole.

“No, it was supposed to be the eleventh hole, but that’s farther away than I expected.”

In dramatic fashion, Clarke took a seat and tugged her girlfriend down with her. Beneath the edge of the rough, the hill dipped and the town glimmered in the distance, just behind the edge of the trees, with the water, calm and clear and flat beyond it.

“Thank you for coming with me to my dad’s birthday. I know it’s been… interesting.”

“Are you kidding?” Lexa smiled, watching Clarke look at the view. “It’s been really nice. They’re very nice, and it’s fun seeing a bit of you. I get it more.”

“Get it?”

“I don’t know. You always seemed to not come from anywhere, you distanced yourself from here so much,” she shrugged. “But I see little bits of it in you.”

“I left when I was eighteen, and haven’t looked back,” Clarke sighed. “I don’t miss it.”

“Have you thought about where you want home to be? I mean… permanently?”

It was the chill of the night, the dress, the grass. Clarke held onto Lexa’s arm and warmed up there. She kissed her bare shoulder and grinned at the familiar smell that didn’t disappear despite how far they travelled. She kissed the skin again with a smile.

“Honestly? I don’t much care. You’re not letting what my mom said worry you, are you?”

“A little.”

“I don’t need a house. I just need a fairway and a green and I’m a happy girl.”

With a final kiss on bare skin, Clarke smiled to herself and laid back in the grass. Lexa looked over her shoulder and watched the content grin on the artist’s face. In the moonlight and the grass and the summer night, she was more beautiful than Lexa could remember.

There was this memory, Lexa had, of the first time she saw that girl in the bookshop. All flustered and holding a huge stack of books. The nervous smile that disappeared after an instant just to reappear once she caught her breath. The determined crinkle in her brow as she wove through the tightly packed shelves. She was too distracting and Lexa knew no one could ever compare. Seeing her in an old shirt and with a little dirt from old books on her cheek, if that was enough to drive Lexa crazy, then all done up and in a birthday dress was enough to knock her down.

“You’re so pretty, you know?” Lexa mumbled.

“You like to tell me that.”

“I love you.”

It wasn’t said often. It wasn’t said to end a fight or frivolously. The words held weight for Lexa. She struggled to say them often, and then, others, her heart just bubbled up to her chest and through her throat and the words popped out despite themselves.

“Come here.”

The smile faded. Clarke cupped at Lexa’s neck and kissed her as she hovered atop her, sweet and innocent and saying all of the words she didn't quite know how to say either.

“We should go back to the party.”

“You don’t mean that,” the artist hummed. Hands slid along her ribs. Her hands moved to hips and pulled closer. “Want to help me christen the golf course?”

“Do you mean? You can’t-- We-- You can’t be serious…” Lexa gulped.

There was a moment in which she debated, but Clarke already knew what she wanted, and she knew that two nights at her parents home where they didn’t have much chance to do anything meant Lexa had things she wanted to do as well.

“This could be like that time in Rome,” she murmured.

“That was a private balcony. This is a golf course.”

“Fine, we can go back to the party,” Clarke lamented, her hips moving against Lexa’s thigh, betraying her words.

“The things I do for you to finish off this list.”

With a sly grin, Lexa kissed her girlfriend once again.

There was still a stalemate between the mother and the daughter. All through breakfast, Lexa and Jake tried to keep busy and out of the way, keeping the conversation light, recapping the party and the events, planning their run as doubles partners in the spring. There was no thaw to come though.

“It was a pleasure having you here,” he grunted, heaving a bag into the rental car. “I mean it. You both are welcome anytime.”

“I appreciate it.”

“Too bad you can’t stay longer.”

“Yeah,” she smiled and shoved her own bag in as she snuck a glance at her girlfriend and her mother on the porch. She watched them hug, brief and without much to it.

“My wife doesn’t really know how to have all of this,” he explained. “Just… keep your chin up. You’re a good kid.”

“Thanks.”

“My daughter is very fond of you. I’m not going to do the whole talk thing. I think you’re just as fond of her.” He crossed his arms and leaned against the trunk. “You keep her happy, and I think we’ll both be okay.”

“And if I keep feeding you info about the next installment, right?”

“Something like that,” he nodded.

“I didn’t even have to bribe you with a trip to set or anything to gain your trust.”

“It can still be won.”

“Yes sir,” she chuckled.

“Just let me know about your schedule and we’ll make a trip out soon,” the father nodded as the other two approached. “Come here, kid.”

In a second, Clarke was wrapped up in a huge hug from her father while Lexa awkwardly stood near Abby. The goodbyes were heartfelt and a relief. And while she counted the visit as a success, Lexa wanted nothing more than to get back to normal, back to the real world, back to her life.

“You okay?” she asked as Clarke buckled.

“Let’s go home,” Clarke smiled, holding Lexa’s hand as they drove out of the driveway and back toward the airport.

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suckit-aynrand · 7 years

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wow okay.

i just now finally got the guts to softblock my ex’s tumblr after a fucking year and a half.

ive wanted to rant and piss and moan about that whole debacle on here for so long but because she followed me etc. i never did because i didnt want to stir shit up

i shouldve done this a long time ago because every time i saw a post she reblogged i’d feel sick to my stomach and get really depressed tbh.

so now im trying to release all my shitty feelings by writing it out....

she was my first kiss and then she ended it before we were even able to give it a chance even though i’d liked her for over 6 months prior.

she was a fucking bitch though and made me feel so shitty about myself... unfortunately, i have an issue where i need everyone to like me so the more someone doesn’t care about me the harder I try and any drop of affection from them is like a drug.

ok so like she told me she was gay in like february or some shit and i told her I was bi because i was still trying to figure my shit out and then I started developing feelings for her (ie, see above) which i’d never done before because id never opened myself up to thinking about a girl that way and never with guys except for feeling ill....

so yeah, we were friends for a long time and i really liked her that whole time but i was fucking what 19 and had never done anything with anyone and was really nervous about stuff like that and, especially because of her personality where she’d be a total bitch 75% of the time and shoot down anything i said (which id just brush off as a joke or whatever and laugh) so no way in hell was i going to ever fucking make a move and i’d sleep over at her house (she lived at home) and she knew I had no experience and i told her id never even kissed anyone and she’d call me a “spring chicken” and shit because i was such a fucking everything virgin

we spooned once but i was so nervous and freaking out because im bad with touching people in general because i have this huge fear of doing something wrong and being rejected and totally overthing everything??

we also had this stupid bullshit thing about “ymir and krista” from attack on titan- shut the fuck up, i know, but like it was kind an apt metaphor for our personalities and looks (besides height because i was taller than her) so i remember and breaking point in my crush was when there was a “pick ten pictures that represent your aesthetic” on tumblr or whatever so i picked a bunch of pics or whatever and then one that was ymir/krista and i tagged her to do it too (do your sleuthing on your own time fellas) and she ALSO put a ymir/krista pic in hers so i was like HOLY FUCK IS THIS KISMET??? and then got my shit together to admit to my sister that i liked her and was bi (lol... that was a while ago...) and planned to ask her out myself.

anyway, like the next night, and incidentally on the night of the Supermoon in 2015 (when there was an eclipse on the night of the supermoon) i stopped by her job at gamestop when i was at the mall with friends to say hi (which i would do whenever possible... again, i was/am desperate for affection) and she said she was getting off soon and her grandparents were in town and were going to dinner at a place at the mall and would i like to go with so i was like sure so we went and then I went back to her place with her family and we sat outside to watch the supermoon and we were like holding hands and shit because it was cold and it was montana in late september etc. and i was nervous and all but all blushy and excited because of my previous nights shit, and then we eventually moved onto the back porch and she asked me if id want to date and i was like yes and then her homophobic grandparents came out to see if we were still watching the moon or whatever and then we went in to her room where i slept over and when we were looking out the window she kissed me and i was super nervous and blusy so it was like just a quick peck but it was my first kiss and i wanted to do it again but also i was scared to (like... because of her? and i was scared she wouldnt want to?)

so then the next morning i got a ride back to my place by her mom because i had an early class and we kissed (quickly again) before i left and then the next night i slept over at her place again but we didnt kiss at all... after that i would keep texting her and trying to make plans and stuff - i wasnt a student at the time but i lived close to campus so i was always like let me know when youre free and i can come up and meet you for lunch or i can come up and do anything because i wanted to see her and shit and she’d always be like “im busy with work/school/band etc.” so i was just like ok let me know when youre not and id visit her at work when i could but i didnt have a car and she was working and i didnt want to hang out in gamestop or whatever so id just pop in and it was awkward...

id said earlier that i wanted to go to the rocky horror show live that they did downtown so i saved up over $100 to get us tix and dressed all slutty for it (for her but also for rocky) and she wasnt really into it and i was trying to make it fun etc. and i had planned for her to stay the night at my place afterwards because i had an extra mattress under my bed for guests (THAT I LITERALLY ONLY BROUGHT WITH THE SPECIFIC INTENTION OF IT BEING FOR HER) but she said she had to go home or whatever and so i drove her home and walked her in and we kissed (quick kiss again) as i was leaving and then we kissed again, but like a couple little kisses in a row, and i was trying so hard to do it right but i was so nervous and that was all good (except she told me that my fucking MAC LIPSTICK didnt taste good... that fucker....) and then i left and continued to try to meet up with her and then one day she asked me if i was free to come talk to her on campus so i tried to dress up all cute and then she broke up with me.

the break up was so weird too because she was like “ive been too busy to see you, and ive been having a really hard time with my mom lately, and my dads cancer just came back and i want to still be friends and maybe next semester we can try again” and all and she was like crying (like a little bit) so i didnt want to be dramatic and make her feel bad so i tried to keep it light etc. (like i always do because im a fuck) so i was like its all good im so sorry youre having all this shit let me know if i can do anything etc. and then i hung out for a bit to try to make her feel like it was all good (even though i was devastated inside..... im just really awful with my emotions...) and then i left and was in a trance for a few days.... like even though practically nothing happened i didnt know (and still dont know???) what happened???

like....... was it because i wasnt really making any moves??? because i was trying like especially at halloween etc.????? and like she was the one who asked me out?????? like... i was also open about the fact that i’d be moving away the following summer most likely because i was changing schools and whenever i’d bring it up before we were “together” she’d legit like tear up and be like “you cant leave” and shit...?? was that why???? and like this still really gets to me even though it shouldnt and she truly was very hurtful to me in so many ways beyond this bullshit??? i just feel like i expended so much effort on building my relationship with her and never got any reciprication?

like... there were a couple of times the following semester where she’d text me and ask to get together with another friend or whatever and i really really really wanted to say no but that word isnt in my vocabulary because im an anti-confrontational pushover so we would and it would be so weird for me but id really really work to pretend like it wasnt and then i moved.

and i really honestly wanted to message her and be like can you just be open with me about why because i feel like i got no closure and i thought about doing it a bunch but i never did because im a coward and scared of putting other people in situations that might make them uncomfortable because i know how uncomfortable they make me and how much i hate it???? i also thought about asking a mutual friend if he knew anything about it because he was closer with her but i didnt even know if she told any of her friends/family about it because she was super open about being gay but didnt want me to be open about our relationship because, in her words, “they’d say we told you so and we knew” and she wanted to prove them wrong for as long as possible or something?

but now like a year and a half later its sooooo way beside the point and too late so like i cant do it now.... but i havent been in another relationship obviously and like last semester i was getting really unreasonably jealous over her ambiguous snap story about getting ice cream with her girl and how much she loves her even though im more than halfway across the country from her and now ive definitely calmed down and have faced the fact that she was a bitch but like i still feel so stuck with no closure and also am terrified that i’ll never find anyone else? and i also know that its my fault but i wish i knew how much and what i could do better in the future because im terrified of making the same mistakes again and feeling this emptiness?

i wish this were easier. im so sorry for spilling all this shit but ive been bottling it up for so long and have only ever told my sister and even her i didnt tell everything and i feel free now that i wont be seeing her posts anymore and can hopefully let this settle even more....

#my post #textpost #this is just a super long in depth story of my first #quote en quote relationship #and how lost and shitty and confused i feel about it #if anyone has any ideas or intuitions about what the fuck happened please let me know id appreciate it greatly

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kpsoa97xs-blog · 5 years

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