dry lips

It's funny how I am able to title my blogs without anyone knowing, or even caring to know what I am going to be talking about. The damn thing is that I am not very much used to typing with this damn keyboard. Maybe it's from waking up early, idk. Starting this blog off, not sure what to talk about besides that we are not being cared for enough. Do you know what I mean? Not only talking about how, idk, our current principal is not supposed to be here (yes, I am speaking as if I am in school); but Alaskans in general. We finally have an Alaskan representing Alaska. My hearts go out to those that lost their sister/brother/uncle/mom/cousin/etc. that is Alaskan and is missing. No one fucking cares. Are we the next minority that is completely left out of our society that no one cares about? "oh they drink" "Ah, they always ran away" That's not even the fucking case! The fact that nobody cares about me writing about this in 2022-- I mean THAT I understand. I don't post about my blog enough or that even if I do so, I'm barely read like that dude (that is cool btw) in delta discovery that actually knows how to make sense AND takes up half the page. If I wrote this fucking much and do not understand what I am talking about as an Alaskan Native, get the fuck off my page. So many people disappeared this year as if a whole new Dahmers showed up in town for more content on Netflix. But listen: a whole fuckload of them probably don't even drink. I don't understand in what psychopathic mind decides they need to kill a minority. And that's the thing; we are the next minority if that makes sense. What the fuck am I talking about-- We have BEEN a minority. How is that even a thing where cops STILL don't do their fucking jobs. But who am I to say when I am not a cop. My heart is in rage for those that do not have that kind of voice to talk about it, just to facebook. I read that shit like they're family.

I am going to have to cool off now. It's been a few minutes after sipping the first bottle of water I drink 7:35 in the morning itching my damn scalp because I didn't dry them enough last night so that I can wake up this early to download Davinci Resolve for this desktop for future edits of videos. That, and I want to wake up early even if I absolutely fucking hate mornings. Idk I did like waking up early at job corps before, but thinking about it right now; I used to want to wake up before my exes thinking that was a step to recovering myself and also listening to classical music to calm the beast inside me that might have thought of wanting to do things I was able to control. I mean, I have been struggling with the thoughts of suicide NOT that I was going to. But had friends that did. I cannot fathom the idea of what they went through. I wanted to take it back. Their lives. They were such great kids. It only made me wonder why. Why did it feel like it was a fucking tide pods trend to have them be the ones to feel as if they wanted to do such a thing. I wished to have taken their demons because I, myself, wanted to hurt myself. Because with my 22 year old self, I thought it made sense that I wanted to hurt myself because of the fact that I exist and how much pressure it was for me not to pray, to be bullied growing up, to be molested at a young age, to not understand why it was suddenly hitting me that I was. I felt like religion saved me at the time from feeling those feelings, like a drug that numbed me throughout those years. Then it just suddenly hit me; all the bullying and the.. I don't even want to use that damn word. I just realized that I have NEVER talked about my background. I didn't care to, but this is about me building up some sort of content for this website that I CANNOT do with vlogging. I mean, I have the exact equipment that vloggers CAN have like cameras, desktop, software that is currently downloading, and the internet for it now. It's a slow process. I think I am now realizing that I can be myself in front of the camera, it's just that my mind goes from one topic to the other like in this vlog. It's a long vlog. I am surprised that I have not focused on writing for so long only because my content would be about my boyfriend and even that is another topic from how I think talking about my boyfriends jinx me from having a boyfriend :)). He's honestly fucking insane from how beautiful he is in all that he can be; a fucking nerd. Just someone I can absorb all of my information on. I feel like we feed off our nerd vibes. I am not much of a nerd. In my explanations: I stutter, I mumble, I forget words and he asks "thing?" cuz my mind works wonders on how I am so flabbergasted on how far I come to learn English and explaining shit I never thought I would as a kid. This is slowly what I wanted. It's a fucking process. But anyways, I need to eat. This is amazing. I'm happy to have found this damn website. That's the thing too. It's been a few years since I left job corps and I always wonder if I should talk about job corps in a, what feels like fresh, out of job corps alumni matter when I am about talking about the place. Forbidden ass website that could have possibly kicked me out of job corps for what I said. I love you :)) GM.

Survey #317

i’m tired as a motherfucker and don’t feel like thinking up some lyrics, so here, jus have the survey.

Have you volunteered in the past 6 months? No. French fries or onion rings? French fries. I don't like onion rings. Do you suffer from anxiety? Very badly. Favorite healthy snack? "Apples and peanut butter are one of them." <<<< Same, actually. Good shit. Favorite Disney movie? Forever and always The Lion King. If you see a bee in your house.. are you going to kill it? I hate to say it, but I'm killing it. Do you normally take a shower in the morning or at night? Morning. Do you have a cat? Yeah. What is your favorite animal? It will always be meerkats. Always. Do you know what time you were born? 10:30 AM, I believe. Do you like McDonalds? I'm gonna be real: I've never understood the McDonald's hate. I enjoy it perfectly fine. I mean it's certainly not gourmet, but I'll choose it over other fast food places sometimes. It's cheap and decent food, imo. What's your favorite flower? Orchids. Have you thought about joining the military? FUCK no. Who is the person that has impacted your life the most? Given my PTSD, I think it's pretty obviously Jason. Have you ever had a pet fish? Yeah, but not a lot. I never enjoyed them much. Have you ever wanted to be on a game show? Not seriously, no. I wouldn't want to be on television. Have you ever vaped? Nah. Who was the last person to give you a hug? Either my niece or nephew. Have you ever been on TV? I don't think so, no. What's your favorite store in the mall? Hot Topic, ugggghhhhh take me there. Has anyone ever told you that you have an accent? Yeah, especially when I was younger when I definitely did have a clear Southern accent. Do you have any piercings? Yeah, six. I have been DYING for a new one lately... How did your parents meet? Work. What was your first word? "Dada." Do you eat more healthy food or junk food? Somewhere in the middle, I'd say. What do you spend too much money on? When it's my own money, tattoos. I think I'll be perfectly capable of doing it, but when I'm employed, I'm going to have to watch how much I invest into those. What is a disturbing episode of an otherwise non-disturbing show? What is a disturbing show (or one you would describe as one) is enjoyable to you? Meeeh I don't watch enough for this. What is the most memorable song in a movie? How about a show? Oh wow, I dunno. "Circle of Life" from TLK is a beauty, as is "Strangers Like Me" from Tarzan. There really are a lot. As for shows, "Carry On My Wayward Son" from Supernatural will immediately get fans screaming the lyrics, haha. However, I don't know if that song properly counts since it wasn't written just for the show, but whatever. What is something you’re grateful for that humans have made/have continued to make exist? What about something that you wish that humans didn’t destroy? The Internet, whew. I wish humans would stop destroying the fucking environment. It's heartbreaking how many woods are wiped away here for construction, only to never be built on... While evil men are commonly talked about, what woman would you consider the most evil? I don't know, but it would probably be a rapist or pedophile. Those are probably the people I abhor most. Do you believe children can be evil? If so, what child from history do you believe to have been the most evil? I don't really think children are born evil, no. I've never heard of a diabolical baby or anything. I think the environment they are raised in molds them as they age. I don't know about the last question. Name one way that music can be bad for humans. It can be depressing sometimes, actually dragging your mood down, especially if you already feel low. What has been one of the most blatant advertising in a movie, show, or music video? Some of these questions are hard man, idfk lol. What book have you read/listened to that “messed you up” (or made you have a lot of negative feelings afterward)? Johnny Got His Gun left me feeling so spiteful towards and disappointed in the world. It definitely made me feel down for a while. If you have a pet, what is the best thing that you have for them (either a toy, a highly rated food, etc)? If you don’t have one but would like one, have you thought about what you would get your pet? We definitely don't have the money for "high quality" stuff. What works, works. Did you ever know anyone who was (previously) a part of a cult? What cult? Were you ever a part of one? No. What is something that is legal right now that really shouldn’t be? I'm stealing the previous person's answer by saying fireworks. They have a horrible effect on animals and PTSD victims and is just litter and a fire hazard. What is a movie you consider successful/good that did not have high reviews? I'm not educated enough on movie rankings. When you met the person you now like, what happened? We hugged and cried a bit lmao. Did you realize anything today? No. What do you want to do today? It'd be nice to get off my ass and get Emerson's birthday pictures into Lightroom so Ashley can finally have them... Can you honestly say you’d risk your life for someone else? I know with certainty I would for some people. Could you forgive a boyfriend or friend who physically hurt you? Ha, nope, byyyyeee~ What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you? Ugh... So one night when I was lying down to go to bed but also texting Jason, I was being playful and joked for him to sing me to sleep. He sent me a video for "The Mortician's Daughter" by Black Veil Brides (one of his favorite bands) and just pasted the lyrics, and I thought it was the cutest fucking thing ever. I went to bed listening to it and just smiling. It's why I just don't listen to it anymore. I shouldn't have even talked about it, soooo next question. What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die? Ummm South Africa, Yellowstone National Park, Germany, Alaska, and the Bahamas, maybe. How many tattoos would you like to have? I'm gonna be a fuckin mural. I want tats pretty much everywhere. What question do you hate to answer? "What do you like to do for fun?" What's your favourite animated or cartoon program? Fullmetal Alchemist. What do you think the greatest invention has been? Electricity. What's your favourite movie quote? I dunno, I don't really have one. Do you prefer digital or analogue clocks? Analogue clocks are way more elegant and can be beautifully decorated. Who is your favorite foreign singer/musician? Do you translate his or her lyrics? If you exclude English-speaking foreign bands, like from the UK, Rammstein for sure. I can translate some of them. Say something in a foreign language? "Liebe" means "love" in German. What is a weather-type that you like that not many others do? Snow, for sure. I've never understood the "ew, snow" type of people. It's so pretty. Granted, it's rare here, so it's more of a treat down here, but still. Who do you know personally that has a nice singing voice? Sara has a beautiful voice. What was the last word you learned? I have no clue, given how bad my memory is becoming... It's hard for me to learn anything nowadays, because it doesn't stick. What is your favorite culture? (that you find most interesting): I'll be honest, I'm not very well-informed on foreign cultures. Due to taking so many classes though, I do find German culture to be quite appealing. They are very serious about honesty (for example, telling someone you're okay when you're not is frowned upon in small talk, even), as well as manners. I would love to experience their lifestyle. Have you ever watched anime porn? I've never watched porn to begin with. If you got paid $3 million to smoke meth one time would you do it? Nope. I'm not risking addiction or death. Are ladybugs cute? Yesssss. Will you leave the house without fragrance on? Yeah, I usually do. Do you make good money doing what you do? I'm unemployed. I've only ever worked minimum wage jobs. What is your favorite fruit? Strawberries, yum. And kiwi. What do you think of horses? I love them! Are you doing something with your life that matters? Ugh, I don't feel like it. Do you like gravy on your mashed potatoes? I hate gravy. What is the dirtiest rap song you have ever heard? Nicole played "WAP" once when I was in the car and I wanted to die. What about a dirty song in any other genre? "Bitches" by Hollywood Undead MIGHT be rap, but idk? What even is their genre???? But anyway, as much as I love the song, it's dirty as shit. What is a genre of music you simply can't stand? Rap, generally. What is, in your opinion, the best way of dealing with a break up? Lots and lots of self-care and focusing on loving yourself and realizing your worth lies in yourself and not another person. What flavor of Doritos do you like best? Cool Ranch, of course. Would you ever go to a comedy club? Yeah, sure. Why is it that photography is becoming a trend? Because it's art, and people enjoy art???????? What is the funniest movie you have ever seen? White Chicks gets me way harder than it should lmao. Would you ever consider dating someone who lived across the country? I guess, so long it was the plan that we'd eventually move in together, and effort was being made to achieve that once we got pretty serious. Do you have a tattoo? If you do, describe the pain you went through when getting it done. Well, I have six, so I'll just talk about my first one, which was on my wrist. It really isn't bad, especially once you've adjusted to the pain. I think the best metaphor would be that it's like lightly pinching a cat scratch. Outlining is the worst part, imo. What is your favorite bookstore? I don't have one. Who was the last person to tell you that you were cute? I have no idea. When was the last time you had a fever? How high did it go? Oh, I couldn't tell you. Those are very rare for me. How many times do you think that you’ve truly been in love before? With who? Twice, with Jason and Sara. Do you prefer French kissing, or regular kissing more, and why? I mean, this depends on the mood as well as how serious we are. Have you ever been married before? How many times? No. Who do you know that gives the best hugs? Summer has always been a big, strong hugger like I am. Have you ever dated someone of the same gender before? Yeah. Who do you consider to be your hero? My mom. Who is your best friend? Tell us about them. Sara. She's a very caring, strong, creative, just overall amazing person who stands firmly for what she feels is right, and we can't forget about her incredible loyalty, nor her absolute adoration for animals, reptiles especially. How much did your car cost? I don't have my own car. What is the last picture you received on your phone of? Sara sent me a photo of Martha, her ball python. Do you have any friends that actually model? No. Do you keep condoms in your room? No, considering I have no reason to. Do you follow any special diet? (dairy free, vegetarian, gluten free etc.) No, but I desperately want to return to being vegetarian. Vegan would be even better, but I know I'm absolutely not capable of that. What is an appliance you don’t have, but would love to have? uhhhhh Which keys on your keyboard are worn out the most? My "a," "s," and "d" from gaming. If you could be any supervillain, which would you be? Ha, I could probably pull off Harley Quinn pretty easily. Though "super"villain sounds a bit strong for her. What’s the most historic thing that has happened in your lifetime? Either Covid or 9/11, probably. What’s the scariest non-horror movie? I personally think the idea behind Johnny Got His Gun is fucking terrifying. What’s the most amazing true story you’ve heard? More beautiful than "amazing," but whatever. I can't think of anything else. Jason's mother actually left his father to go back home to New York when he cheated on her, but he followed her all the way there, and they wound up reconciling and were very happily married since. They were a spectacular couple, and I miss them a lot. What brand are you most loyal to? I have no idea. It's hard to be loyal to any when you're not the one buying products. Where are you not welcome anymore? Well, speaking of him, probably Jason's house, haha... I feel that if I just showed up there, his parents would honestly be super happy to see me and want to catch up, but Jason, not so much. I doubt Colleen would welcome me into her house, either. What’s the most recent show you’ve binge-watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender w/ Sara. What’s a common experience for many people that you’ve never experienced? Just... adult stuff. Paying bills. Having a stable job. Passing their driver's test. What are some misconceptions about your hobby? We'll use forum roleplay here, in which case I know a very common misconception is that it's sexual in nature and is a kink. It's never been that for me. It's about building unique, complex characters in a vast universe of your creativity, meshing with other's. It's a beautiful thing to me. What’s the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about? Oh, I'm sure something with Mom... because she is absolutely never wrong. What’s the longest rabbit hole you’ve been down? Conspiracy theories on YouTube, aha... What odd smell do you really enjoy? I really enjoy the smell of lilacs, though I know people who think they smell too strong and/or just stink. If you had a HUD that showed three stats about any person you looked at, what three stats would you want it to show? Hm, interesting question. Maybe approachability, moral alignment, and mood. What is your favorite flavor of pop tart? I really like the chocolate sundae ones. Gum? I really like fruit-flavored gums, especially watermelon or strawberry. Last song you sang along to? I sang a bit to "Second Chance" by Shinedown. Are you fascinated by rivers? Yeah, sure. Streams, more specifically, because you can see the bottom and walk more safely in them. I love exploring those. Do you live near a volcano? No, and I plan on keeping it that way, haha. How big is the screen on your digital camera? I dunno, the normal size for a Canon? Do you find train whistles comforting? No. What bird is the cutest? Oh, that's so hard. I love the pastel-colored ones, and hummingbirds are like, universally cute. Are you scared to look at your own organs on x-ray or ultrasound? No, that's actually really cool. Do big eyes freak you out? On people? Generally, no. I tend to find them cute, actually, especially on girls, but I've definitely seen people with big eyes that instead look kinda creepy. Have you ever walked on a frozen lake/river? Hm, I'm actually not sure. I don't believe so, though. Have you ever held a real sword? No. Have you ever seen a tree over 100 years old? Uh, realistically, probably? That's not that old in the grand scheme of trees, is it? Do you feel uncomfortable at fancy restaurants? I can sometimes, yes. I feel very out-of-place.

BTS Hogwarts!AU

Okay so this is going to be an idea dump, I don’t actually have any fics in mind for this (or at least none yet but who knows). Basically, I’ve seen a couple of hogwarts houses castings for the BTS boys and I wanted to do one of my own with my reasons for each casting. These are - of course - just my personal opinions. Hope you guys enjoy! Disclaimer: I’m doing this on mobile so i’ll prolly have to go back and edit it a bit later if it seems weird. You all know what a bitch mobile is :/ - Jin: Gryffindor. I think a lot of people tend to create these one-dimensional ideas for idols in their heads (not on purpose or anything but it happens) and Jin is certainly a HUGE victim of this trend. A lot of people tend to oversimplify him as sweet and kind and motherly - which he can be. But Jin can also be kind of a dick, which I fucking love. He doesn’t actually take any shit from anyone and that doesn’t at all take away from how kind and good a person he is or how much he cares for others. He’s just kinda an asshole as well. Jin is bold and confident and also chivalrous. Kind and good, but can be an ass too. Way too into himself for his own good and also sometimes overcompensates. - Yoongi: Hufflepuff. Yoongi is usually put in Slytherin and I totally get that: cunning, ambitious, resourceful. But when I was brushing up on the core values of each house, I read literally the opening description of Hufflepuff and if that didn’t scream the real Yoongi to me idk what did. “Hufflepuff values hard work, dedication, patience, loyalty, and fair play.” He fudges a bit on the fair play (cheating lil shit), but everything else makes so, so much sense to me. I think he’d be a Hufflepuff, but one of the ones people see as an outlier; like the sorting doesn’t seem to make any sense until you actually get to know him and then it makes all the sense in the entire world. - Hoseok: Slytherin. This one took me a while to decide on, actually and i’ll explain why. I think Hobi can be a lot of things. Like he could 100% be a Hufflepuff and that’s where he is most often sorted. But also he’d actually make a really good Slytherin and he’d make a good Gryffindor, too, and you could even make an argument for him being in Ravenclaw. He has qualities that pertain to every house and qualities that contradict every house, too. I think Hobi would be one of those people who gets sorted into a house because he WANTS to be there because he could be good in any house. I was caught between Hufflepuff and Slytherin mostly. In the end I went with Slytherin because the concept of Hoseok in that house fascinates me. He’s also another victim of people shoehorning him into one dimension/idea. Yeah, Hobi is literal sunshine and loud and goofy and cheerful, but his members have also often said that he’s vicious and you don’t want to mess with him or catch him when he’s in a mood because he’ll whip your ass. Hoseok is pretty freaking bullheaded af and he’s definitely ambitious. - Namjoon: Ravenclaw. You could make a really great argument for him being a Gryffindor, but I’m going to have to stick with the quintessential casting of him as a Ravenclaw. I think Namjoon is driven by seeking knowledge and he’s just very much one of those people who is super a model of what their house represents. He also seems very much like a person who goes through life breaking things down into problems and solutions and we all know he spends most of his time on twitter philosophizing about life, etc. - Jimin: Slytherin. Jimin is another one who kind of can have an argument made to place him in almost all the houses (excluding Ravenclaw, imo, I just don’t think it fits him). However, I actually think he would be Slytherin more than anything else. Jimin super dedicated to his craft and he fights for it. He’s such a hard working and he’s ambitious as all hell and he’s always fighting to improve himself. Jimin just has this strong, unbendable resolve to always be better and strive for perfection that I think would be so well-honed in Slytherin. - Taehyung: Gryffindor. Gryffindor all the way. Loud, brash, bold, unapologetic. Taehyung isn’t afraid at all to take leaps and chances. I’ve seen a lot of people sort him into Hufflepuff as well, but I kind of think he’d be a Gryffindor. He’d be the really weird kid in Gryffindor tho, but not the one you would question as to why he’s there in the first place. - Jungkook: Ravenclaw. Okay, okay, I know this one seems super out of left field. People usually cast him as Gryffindor or Slytherin (both of which I get), but I think he’d be such a great Ravenclaw and hear me out. So there’s this basic idea/theory that the Sorting Hat either sorts you based on qualities you have or qualities you admire and strive for. Ravenclaw’s core essentials are wit and knowledge and intelligence. People are always up his ass about how he isn’t good at math, but Jungkook is smarter than hell and he obviously admires that trait highly. He admires the hell out of Namjoon for his intelligence. He’s also super witty, another trait he highly admires. It’s evident as hell if you just watch him, at least to me. So I’m sticking with him in Ravenclaw. Also, it’s very appealing to me that he’d be in a house with Namjoon. A FEW OTHER RANDOM DETAILS OF THIS UNIVERSE: - Jin would be a prefect for Gryffindor - He would also be that super, crazy popular guy everyone is batshit in love with - the one you’d hate from afar and gag and be like “ugh why do people degrade themselves over such a conceited prick??” - but then you can’t help being charmed by and totally getting a crush (regular, friend, boy, etc. all and ay type of crush) on when you actually get to know him - Namjoon would also be a prefect for Ravenclaw - and he’d be that super chill prefect everyone admires the hell out of - the one who lets a lot of stupid shit slide - but will 100% call you out when you fuck up - and then you feel small and you hate that you feel like you disappointed him - yoongi would probably be a prefect for hufflepuff too (nerd ❤️) - Yoongi’s and jimin and hoseok hang around all the time - like theyre this sort of click - inseparable - you very much want to sit with them at lunch except how could you??? you are in no way on their level ffs pls look at them - so many ppl constantly ask Yoongi why hes not in slytherin - and hobi and jimin are always like "yeah yoongs why arent you in the best house ever ?? Hyuk hyuk hyuk" - and Yoongi just rolls his eyes and just spits out a savage ass comment and walks away as the other two idiots follow still laughing - because jimin and Hobi would be annoyingly loud about their house loyalty - like they’d always mention it and always bring it up like.... - "srsly stfu no one cares how much you wish you could suck Salazar Slytherin's cock" - "i would totally suck his cock you're just jealous that his was bigger than your stupid founder's cock anyway hahahaha" - Hobi and jimin would also be on the quidditch team - both chasers - craaaaaaaazy good - untouchable - wow - such grace in the air, such finesse, such speed - taehyung would be on the Gryffindor quidditch team except he'd 1000000% be a beater - he'd have girls (and guys lbrh) eating out of his hand swooning over him - "omg he's so sweet and so good-looking and so funny !!!!!" - "such a puppy" - "what a gentle precious soul" - "uuuuhhh...... he literally knocked some dude unconscious last game" - "an obvious misunderstanding for he is a gentle pup" - jungkook would be the seeker for ravenclaw - golden maknae takes whole new meaning - the other teams would constantly be accusing him of cheating because - "how tf does he always find fucking snitch so fast ????? def cheating" - super admired and fawned over - gets lots of... attention........... if ya catch my drift - except he's an awkward shy moron who doesn't do well meeting new people - often shelters himself behind namjoon, who - lbh -isnt any help - completely different on and off the field - crazy intelligent but kind of a mess in class actually - "how are you even a Ravenclaw??" - "stfu tae eat dick like you're such a great student" - omg i'm crying excuse me thats the end for now

I’ve known Marie since around 2010, when she dated my college friend. Always felt like there was an attraction there, but obviously not something I’d act on. I have seen this friend 3 or 4 times total since then. But starting the last year or two, I started seeing Marie around town more. I went to her house once to hang and the very next morning, her ex, who I have not heard from in over a year, weirdly messages me and asks about me hanging out with her. They end up dating again for a while. Anyway, I was playing music at a bar at the end of December and she walks in. We agree to hang out on New Year’s Eve. We do, and things go like you’d expect on a night of drinking, however I’d expressed my hesitation due to my friend/her ex. We still have a good night but she says “if we fuck you cant tell him.”And so we go forward this way, with her saying “I’m not looking for anything serious.” But we start hanging out essentially every day, having sex constantly and behaving as bf and gf. I initially maintain my hesitance towards a labeled and serious relationship. And she does too, but she asks me on a vacation around a month into it. I decline, citing work reasons, which was half legit. But we continue to get closer. Eventually, and I’ll admit it, I started to sense her pulling away just a tad. I realized that I needed to make my feelings clear and that she deserved this from me. She should know that I care for her, am not seeing anyone else, and am into this. I could have done so before but I didn’t. So I did. She says she still doesn’t want a relationship, but I’m bf material and we are trending that way. I agree to go forward this way and don’t push the relationship angle because of a couple reasons which I’ll go into. And furthermore, she says she isn’t seeing anyone else and would tell me if she was (spoiler, this becomes a key issue...). things are great for a bit.So, a bit more about Marie. She is bipolar and depressed and it was and is my feeling that this factored heavily into her behavior. We drank more than I’ve ever drank before and when she mixed alcohol with Prozac, she was extremely unpredictable. She’d tell me she loved me and things like that and generally keep me up all night doing weird stuff sometimes, like trying to lick me. I routinely stayed up til 4 in the morning on work nights with her. Or I’d wake up in the middle of the night and she’d be gone. These things though, I could deal with as it was largely my fault. And Because we had fun together and having that affection was just so great. We loved the same shows and bands and even video games. And she’s smart and beautiful and funny and really, I felt more happy in the good times with her than I have with anyone in years. I started to think of her as a girlfriend, even though I knew I had the hurdle of telling my old friend (who it turned out, had been a heroin addict and had broken into her house).But then she was at the bar one night and asked me to come pick her up. She was blackout and when I got her home, she took her clothes off and got mad when I wouldn’t fuck her. she started saying I was “so shitty” and to go fuck myself and was mad that I wouldn’t let her go back to the bar. Then she accused me of taking her somewhere against her will when she realized she didn’t have her car, which was scary. the following day, my friend told me that before I’d gotten there, she tried to take one of our mutual friends home. So I told her about it, very much considering that I’d break it off depending on her response. She started bawling, saying she can’t believe she said those things, that I’ve never once been shitty to her and that she resents herself for ruining relationships before they start. She also said that she was sorry about the guy and that she doesn’t even like him, but alcohol and Prozac turns her into a demon. So I kept going tentatively, but before long I was right back in it. But she was oddly withdrawn at times, at a time when I felt like I was trying. Two weeks later, it happened again but worse. This time, she bit me until I bled, tried to take my belt off and when I said no, pushed me. She said my hat was stupid and tried to kick it off of my head and in doing so, kicked me extremely hard in the jaw. She was telling me to give her bruises. When I refused, she said “then you aren’t worth it.” And I found out that she had been seeing a girl behind my back. When I got her in the car that night, she declined six calls from a name I didn’t recognize. I asked her about it, naturally, and she wouldn’t say anything. Obviously I was curious. So we go inside and when all that shit was happening, she left her phone sitting there open and it was her saying “I want to fuck you” to this girl. I could have gone through her phone, but I only scrolled up that message just enough to confirm that this was an ongoing dynamic and not a random drunk text to an ex or something. And suddenly all those times she went to see “friends” in the city made sense. So I broke up with her because even though we weren’t calling each other bf and gf, we had an agreement and this had been over three months of dating. Plus...she had assaulted me essentially. To make things worse, when I tried to ask her about it, she said she wouldn’t meet up or talk on the phone and she made me do it by text because although she “shouldn’t be immune from consequences,” she “didn’t feel like hearing an account of what she did while blackout drunk” right after she got off work. She said it’s for the best and that she never deserved my help, she’s poisoned on the inside, etc.A week later, we hung out for my birthday (she bartends at the place I frequent and so we just randomly see each other). Since then, two and a half months ago, we have had a very on and off dynamic where we’ll spend a whole weekend together just like old times and then we’ll barely speak for a few days. And this is hard for me because I really have feelings for her and I miss her when she’s gone. It’s very stressful.But it’s been that long! And like the other day, she came into the bar with a group of people, including a guy who was clearly interested in her. And her and I started talking and I said “hey, just so I know, are you and that guy a thing? I’m not mad but I can’t be here for that.” And she said no. And her and I went home that night, though we were hiding it from that guy for some reason. We sometimes talk about things but I don’t think she remembers it because of drinking. She said to me that night that it bothers her that I seem to like her more when someone else shows interest and I was very very taken aback, because it isn’t true. I think of her all the time and hope she’ll text me. I go home with her and bring her coffee at work the next day. But given that while we still had that agreement, she tried to go home with that mutual friend multiple times and another time post breakup, I took her to the bar after spending the night together and she got blackout and tried to take another friend home in front of me and it just made me feel...idk. You get it. But because she said that and she says I used to not text her back fast enough or was hesitant to move fast at first, it makes me feel like I should try harder to see her or like it’s my own fault on some level that she started withdrawing. So recently I’ve gone out of my way to invite her to things, text her, etc. but the last few times she hasn’t even replied. So I can’t read her and I don’t know how to act at all. Sometimes she asks me to hold her. Then something will happen like where I compliment her on her new glasses, saying how nice they look, and she’ll drunkenly say that she doesn’t want to wear them now.Am I fucking stupid? It’s hard to explain how this keeps happening. But I miss her and in the moment, I decide that I want to see her again, and I never say no. I still find myself thinking she is not a bad person and I yearn for what it was like when she was actually open with me. But I’m always caught between that and being mad about what she did. So I just find myself existing in a weird pseudo relationship and now I think that comes off to her like I don’t actually care for her...when really I’m over here thinking that she doesn’t give a shit about me. via /r/dating_advice

10/8-10/14

ok so sunday (the 8th) is when i finally got out of bed and felt comfortable going for a walk, so i walked to the shuk by myself, did a little bit of shopping (and bought a scale!), and then took the bus by myself for the first time. 

to be completely honest, i haven’t done anything for all of sukkot. barely left the house (although being sick for like a week was a good excuse for a lot of it lol). marleigh keeps judging me for it but like. whatever

we finally got martyrs to work the other night, and i didn’t really like it lol, and then last night i watched 2 eps of black mirror with matt because i wanted to stay up to wait for sultana to get home from the airport, which was around 11:30. she was happy to see me i guess but when marleigh came downstairs she freaked out, which, i mean it makes sense it just. yknow . whatever!

i feel bad because i feel like between here and my main blog i complain about marleigh a lot, like definitely more than anyone else, and that’s really not how i feel about her. i really do like her a lot, we’re friends, and i’m really glad i’m going to be working with her this school year over any of the other three options (all the kids would like sultana more than me, matt and i would butt heads a lot i’m sure, and rachel and i don’t have personalities that would be compatible for that kind of job). 

i think i just feel like marleigh is judging me all the time. she always makes comments about how i like don’t do very much in my free time or how i never leave the house, or i’m so critical that i’m never satisfied with anything, etc. tries to offer me advice for like..weight loss and mental illness without a) knowing what she’s talking about or b) knowing anything about me. very much one of those like ‘positive thinking and yoga will cure you! just stop being so negative!’ people and like at some point she was trying to tell me that i should be eating 2000 cal a day because that’s what’s recommended, and that 1100-1200 is way too little and i’m starving myself. but . hi i’m 4′10 and trying to LOSE weight, if i ate 2000 cal every day i would gain like a pound every week lmfao

speaking of weight loss, though, i was 140 lbs this morning :) so i’m only 12 lbs away from my lowest weight when i lost all that weight a couple years ago. although it’s been VERY difficult for me to see it in the mirror still. those green shorts might (hopefully) fit soon though, i think. which is good because i’m running out of options. not sure what i’m gonna do when it gets cold enough for long pants and i have 3 pairs of leggings and 1 pair of jeans lol. maybe go clothes shopping since i really have some cash left over from the stipend, at least this month. i’m aiming for 110 (or maybe 107.5 just so it’s an even 70 lb loss which sounds impressive lmfao) but tbh i might wanna go down to 105 or 100 depending on how i feel. definitely (probably) not below that, though. what’s annoying is that there are very few people i can talk to about my ultimate goal bc most people, like mom, would be like THAT’S TOO LOW YOU’RE GOING TO STARVE YOURSELF when in fact it’s directly in the middle of the recommended weight for my height, and since i’m not packing very much muscle i think it would actually make a lot of sense for me to hover around there. when i’m there i’ll try to start recomp because it would be nice to be a little toned, but for now i’ll settle with the goal of being able to feel comfortable being photographed lmfao. 

i did start c25k up again, though, i’ve only done 2 days so far and i probably should be doing day 3 right now instead of writing this, but i haven’t slept well the past 2 nights so i’m probably just going to do it tomorrow instead. and i also started doing a very small amount of bodyweight exercises. my fear is, of course, that it’ll slow down my weight loss, which it will, and as much as i know to trust the science of “just because you’re not losing weight doesn’t mean you’re not losing fat, muscle weighs more than fat” etc, it’ll be really discouraging not to have that marker that i can graph every day just to know where i’m at. that’s another thing, if (certain) people in the house knew i weighed myself every morning they’d probably flip their shit and think i’m neck-deep in an eating disorder, when in reality it’s so much healthier for me to see the daily fluctuations and be able to look at it as a trend line. if i only weighed myself once a week, let’s say i weigh myself after a day of exercise, or after a particularly sodium-filled day, or just a day i didn’t drink as much water as i thought i did, i would be really upset and discouraged to see a gain on the scale. but in doing it every day i’m much more okay with fluctuations and it’s helpful to see that the overall trend is still going waaay down. i mean i’ve lost almost 40 lbs. (which you’d think i would be able to see in the mirror by now lol)

hmm i feel like i’m not using this journal in a way that will make me happy i kept it. i mean, it’ll be cool to know how i was feeling about certain things, and it’s a personal journal instead of a blog, but i still feel like i’m going to look back and be like “why did you spend so much time complaining about your roommates and talking about your weight loss instead of describing your experience abroad, dumbass?” but also as i keep pointing out to literally everyone, we still haven’t started teaching yet. (two days!!) once we’re there i think i’ll have more to talk about.

the first few days of november we’re going on a 3-day trip to the negev and eilat. i’m excited for it, but also really anxious lol. we also didn’t get to pick our roommates this time like we did last time (although idk if sultana and marleigh would’ve even wanted me to room with them again, they probably would want sydney or rebecca) and i’m really hoping they don’t just stick us with some random people for 2 nights.

we were offered 4 tracks for the educational sector of the program: technology, bedouins, the gaza strip, and the black hebrew israelites. naturally i picked the bedouins lmfao i have no interest in hearing masa propaganda about how hard it is for the israelis to live in gaza (the email seriously was like “learn how these people live as they just try to keep their families safe in the settlements....ok then don’t fucking illegally settle on other peoples’ land?), etc etc. of course the gaza one was the most popular lol. but i was told aaron jaffe is anti-israel (and everyone was like “uhhh why are you even on this program” like shut up lol) and i think he’s doing the bedouin track as well, which was pretty small last time i looked, so even though we haven’t talked before maybe i can strike up a conversation about it because i haven’t been able to talk about it with anyone yet and it’s getting tough.

and then we basically have like a day of free time, during which i’m hoping to go snorkeling and/or swimming with dolphins, which will be amazing. maybe i’ll go shopping or something. but beyond that i don’t know what i’m going to do or who i’m going to hang out with, which makes me worry that i’m either gonna just be following people around like a lost puppy (as usual) or holed up in my room “relaxing” for shabbat because so many activities are optional. there’s an early morning hike on the second day but i decided not to sign up because i don’t particularly like hiking, it’ll be hot down there even though it’s november, and i probably wouldn’t enjoy myself. it just didn’t seem like the best time for a physical challenge, a 2-3 hour hike up and down mountains or whatever. but it’s fine.

oh, i totally forgot to mention that matt and i smoked together! it felt so high school, smoking out of an apple pipe and getting high off such a small amount (for him, i think for me it was pretty standard lol). it was fun though, we watched se7en and then i went to bed early. i think indica makes me too sleepy. 

he made weed butter too which i tried but didn’t find worth it, it took like 2 hours before i felt anything and then literally all i wanted to do was go to sleep. so i don’t think i’m gonna have any of that again. which is fine because i don’t want that to be a regular thing, anyway. i don’t wanna get sent home lol