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hq-vbc · 5 years

Text

regrets

pairing: kageyama x reader

description: in which kageyama has too many regrets after one voicemail.

he didn’t know what to think anymore.

he didn’t even know if he could think anymore.

he sat alone in the empty gym in the middle of the night. his hand covering half of his face as he stared blankly at his dimed phone.

he couldn’t stop reading the messages over and over again.

“mr. milk enthusiast”, he hated that nickname but everytime she called him that, he couldn’t stop the butterflies in his stomach.

“are you doing well? it’s been awhile since you’ve replied to me.. even though you’re super busy, stay healthy! love you”

his heart felt like someone was squeezing it and it was no one but her.

“kags, I saw your latest match! you’ve made it again! I’m so proud of you! are you getting along with your team? by the way: are you sleeping enough? I hope you are. I love you.”

he grit his teeth. how stupid was he not to respond to her all these months? he couldn’t even find the last time he replied to her. it had been way too long. the last message he had left her with was probably “night” or “bye”.

“tobio, you’ve matured even more! it’s still hard to call someone as handsome as you my boyfriend, haha. am I worthy enough to call you that? anyway, I hope you’re eating well, love you!”

but the real question was if he was worthy enough to have someone as her in his life. every text she sent him, she never forgot to tell him that she loved him.

when was the last time he had told her he loved her?

he couldn’t even remember, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath.

“kags, are you okay? you looked a little bit worn out in your last match. hopefully everything is fine and don’t let the stress overcome you, okay? I’m here for you even though I know you will manage it. I mean, you’re the strongest person i know! love you”

he remembers that match. he had gotten less than four hours of sleep because of practice which lasted into night.

how was she able to read his emotions only by seeing him playing a match, although he did win at the end? she always knew him in and out, but the same couldn’t be said for him.

“sorry for always bothering you with all these messages.. you’re probably loaded with training and stuff.. just.. don’t overwork yourself, okay? I love you no matter what”

the next text came a month later.

“you look so happy with your new team members! you don’t know how happy this makes me. remember the time you went to karasuno? although they were the best team as you said, you struggled in the beginning. don’t forget to take care of yourself!! your family including me would be worried sick if you get ill. I love you”

a tear slipped out of his eyes as he scrolled more. the next message came a month later again.

“hey tobio, did you change your phone or something? I was just wondering why you didn’t answer me- anyway, stay healthy and safe. you know I love you, right?”

yes, he knew it. he knew it too well.

aftee that she didn’t text him for five months, but he couldn’t care less at that time even though he should.

“tobio, how are you doing? I hope you’re getting enough sleep. the last matches seemed pretty exhausting, right? don’t forget to take breaks. are you eating well? I’m staring to act more and more like a worried mother rather than a girlfriend, I’m sorry.”

he never thought of that because he fell in love with her caring attitude. he continued reading even though his heart ached as soon as he reached that message.

“anyway, will you allow me to be a little bit selfish for a second? can I make a selfish request?”

“of course you can”, he thought.

“could you please reply to me before midnight today? it’s two in the afternoon right now. I know you probably won’t even see this message due to your intense practice, but please if you see this, I beg you, please answer me. it’s all I’m asking for. it doesn’t have to be anything special! just a simple “hi” or “how are you” is totally fine! I just want to make sure you haven’t forgotten about me.”

he could never forget about her. she was the ray of light in his dark sky. her simple texts gave him more than hope to keep practicing even though he never showed it. her texts always reminded him to take care of himself and without her he would have probably neglected his health.

her texts always motivated him to continue. wondering why he was such an idiot, he wished that he would have replied to her, at least at that time. he wished that he didn’t let his tiredness get in the way of his relationship. he had always heard that athletes can’t maintain a relationship but he didn’t believe them, he didn’t want to believe them, because he thought their bond was strong enough to keep the spark between them alive. he was right: it was. it was just him that wasn’t strong enough.

“just before midnight, please. that’s all I’m asking. I will love you forever, tobio kageyama.”

he didn’t reply to her.

he saw her long text message, but he didn’t respond to her.

he was such an asshole. he couldn’t even fulfill one simple wish from his girlfriend. he wasn’t worthy enough to have her, not being enough to call her his girlfriend.

she deserved someone who could hold her in the middle of the night when she needed comfort. someone who could go on spontaneous dates with her when she wanted to have fun. someone who could commit themselves one hundred percent of the time.

she deserved someone that wasn’t him.

he wanted her to be happy but he couldn’t make her happy.

she never texted him again.

the next morning when he woke up, he received a long voicemail from her.

“hey tobio”, how long has it been since he heard her beautiful voice in person? he had listened to her voicemail a million times since she had sent him it that morning. he could never get tired of her voice.

“I dont know how to say this without crying but I’ll try my best.”

he heard her taking a deep breath and imagined her closing her eyes. he imagined her lashes that he always saw closeup each time he leaned it for a kiss.

it had been so long, he couldn’t even remember her face properly. he could only remember certain features, he never forgot since meeting her.

“I don’t know if you know but you probably don’t because of your hectic schedule and all”, pause, “but almost seven months ago, they found a tumor in my brain.”

he closed his eyes and held his head in his hands, taking deep breaths again.

“shocking, right? I never thought something like this was going to happen to me. I mean I always ate my vegetables, right?” she laughed full with pain and misery.

“my family had never have cancer before, but it happened to struck on me. I’ve been on chemotherapy since then”, taking a deep breath, continued by a longer pause. he could tell that she was about to cry with her cracking voice.

“can I be honest with you, tobio? it hurts. it really hurts. a lot.”

he hated himself for not being there for her when she needed him the most.

“this month the tumor started getting more and more aggressive. it spread to my spinal cord, making it hard for me to text you that’s why I’m making this voicemail. it’s really hard to cope with it, tobio. it really is.”

he let tear after tear slip out of his eyes, developing a small puddle on the floor.

“the reason why I asked you to reply to me before midnight was so that I could get some strength. I’m so weak, honestly. I can’t continue with this disease alone, tobio. my family was there for me through thick and thin, but I wanted support of the man that I love the most.”

the gym was now filled by his muffled sobs.

“I don’t know whether your answer would’ve changed my decision but I went through with it. by the time you are listening to this, it’s already been done.”

he screamed as he punched the floor with his fist, not caring about the scars it’ll leave on his fists when the bleeding stops.

“I decided to end my life. the doctor consulted me about assisted suicide, often mentioning how close I am to death”, she said breaking down in tears now. “I can’t even eat without a tube feeding me nutrients. it’s been so long since I had a proper meal.” she couldn’t even speak without getting lost in her sobs. she took a deep breath and continued.

“my family is supportive. they don’t want to see me in pain anymore and they made it clear no matter which path I’ll choose they’ll love me.. please, even without me be happy, spend time with you family because I know they miss you, too. don’t neglect the team, now matter how many misunderstandings there are. be kind to those around you because you’ll never know what role they’ll play in your life.”

she laughed. a genuine, beautiful, bright laugh that he’ll never hear again. she sighed and he imagined her smile.

“promise me you’ll be a good person. don’t give up on your dream of becoming an amazing setter who can be its team’s control tower. you’ve given me so much strength throughout my whole healing process. I mean, you were my strength after all. I hope I was your strength at one point, too.”

he fell onto the floor, sobbing into his sleeves, not even bothering to hide it.

she sighed again and continued speaking with her shaky voice.

“I guess this is the end, tobio. I’ll always love you. please remember that. stay strong and don’t forget to take care of your health! get enough sleep, okay? don’t stay up all night worrying about your technique and how to become a better setter, because I know that’s what you’re doing.”

after this whole conversation she’s still worried about his health. he truly didn’t deserve someone as caring and beautiful as her.

“please chase after your dreams. if you ever need strength think about lil’ old me, okay? don’t forget about the girl you saved. the girl that stole your first kiss. don’t forget the girl who loves you so unbelievably much.

I guess that’s all I have to say.

goodbye, tobio. live your life to the fullest. I love you, tobio kageyama.”

then, she hung up.

“I love you, too.”

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