finished watching desconjuração

erik is a 40 or 50 something year old kissless virgin who has never had a normal social interaction in his whole life his only real social skills are 1) hide from ppl 2) trick ppl into thinking he's a ghost/angel 3) murder ppl thats it those are his only means of getting what he wants from people the only relationships he has that come even a little bit close to normal is with madame giry and the persian and even then he still lies to them so with all this in mind it's obvious that he's completely inexperienced and unequipped to navigate a romantic and/or sexual relationship which means he has neither the charisma nor the confidence to be seductive and sexy thats why in order to get a girl to talk to him he decided to pretend to be a supernatural being instead of just being himself and when he does start being himself things go downhill instantly because as an angel he had power over christine and his interactions with her plus it allowed him to keep a (metaphorical and literal) wall between them to protect himself but as just a guy he's much more vulnerable and he is absolutely not emotionally mature enough to deal with being in a position where he has to talk to her and be in the same room with her as an equal which is why he tries to control her throughout the book through force (kidnapping her, threatening to kill everyone including himself if she doesn't become his waifu, etc) maybe if he had just been normal and brought her flowers or something after a performance and went from there things could've worked out better between them but the other thing is that she's like 20 something, he's old enough to be her father which on it's own isn't great but even if everything went exactly how he wanted and she married him in like. 10.. 20, maybe 30 years she'd have to dump his ass into a retirement home but also in the meantime sex could be a problem because my man is not only middle aged and a virgin he's also been living in a cellar for ??? years so you know he's gotta be physically as well as mentally unwell by now how likely is it that peepaw can keep up with someone in their 20s he doesn't seem very sexually motivated in the book like he was fully prepared to never take his mask off around christine until she yoinked it so i doubt he would've dropped his pants like any kind of physical intimacy just never seemed to occur to him until the very end and all that was was the most chaste kiss imaginable and even with that he was super timid about it erik did you really think you could just do card tricks and play music all day for your wife and she would be happy about it??? you didn't think that if you managed to get a wife that she might want you to fuck her??? if you don't have low self esteem now you definitely will when you realize her recovery time is 10 minutes and yours is.. much much longer and given how good he is at dealing with people and his own emotions (sarcasm) it would definitely become an issue i'm mostly talking about leroux erik here but i think some of this still applies to the younger and hotter alw erik like if u think that he's a sexy dude you've fallen for the front he puts up anyway all this is to say that i think the thing where christine is soo horny about him that she runs back and has wild nasty sex with him at the last minute sucks like if ur gonna do that with your adaptation at least do what susan kay did and have him die afterwards (death by pussy is funny)

idk i just think the reason erik is sexy is not because he is sexy. its because when you peel back the paper thin and incredibly performative veneer of sexiness he puts up you see that he's actually the most pathetic and irritating lil guy you'll ever meet underneath. and i think thats special. smiles

wow

i think it’s been a year or two since i took a break from Tumblr (and a lot of things) but i just felt like taking a quick look at this studyblr once again :) it might just probably be the end of my studyblr journey (although i kinda mia-ed for 2 years oops since i’ll be graduating in may!!! and i’m not going to university anytime soon, maybe in a year or two when i acquire the funds to. And even then i’m not sure if I do want to actually start back on this studyblr thing but I’ll think about it if i ever do manage to go to uni! If anyone’s interested in my 3 years of polytechnic life, academic-wise you can read on,,,,,,

i’ll be honest with you guys, before i started polytechnic (i believe it’s pre-university..?) i was that student that didn’t need to try too hard to get decent grades and i carried this attitude with me when i entered poly. i thought it’d always be the same but i was mad wrong,,, i scored a c-average for my entire first year. my grades were bad, and i was so emotionally & mentally exhausted from so many things. it sucked because my classmates and closest friends were like genuises or wtv & they worked really hard, and got amazing grades and i just felt like im always lagging behind.

and at point of time when i was running this studyblr thing i was under the impression that my content *had* to be pretty and appealing. i spent a lot of time prettying my notes and doing all that jazz but to be completely honest with you, that never worked out for me in the end because i spent so much time on the ”aesthetics” that i had barely any time left to actually study. i guess i was just pressured by everything that i’d seen in the studyblr community. it’s really amazing content, and im not saying that these people are wasting their time. it’s just that different people work/study differently. well my point is that, if you like your notes to be pretty, there is nothing wrong with that. but if it’s impeding you from actually studying, then something has to change. and that was one factor that i realised contributed to my (very dramatic) “downfall” HAHAHAH

but anyway i managed to get my shit together for my 2nd year and it’s still my greatest achievement yet tbh,,,, i believe i scored a majority of As and the rest were Bs. thats honestly good enough for me tbh. if it matters, my notes became from pretty & colourful -> a giant header and then all black ink w occasional diagrams.

then on to my third and final year, things kinda went downhill a little bit but i worked my ass off for my final year project (something like a thesis! i did 3 months of research with my professor & write a scientific report on + create a poster, which i presented to 2 examiners) and thank the heavens I got my A lmaooo i wouldve have straight up cried if i didnt do well on that,,,,

and to present times i’ll be graduating in may!!! who wouldve thought!!! i wanted my gpa to be just a terny weeny bit higher so i could at least increase my chances at veterinary but oh welllll i messed up but it’s not the end of world!!!!

there’s literally no point in this post & thank you if youve come this far,,, i hope you guys have a great day/night wherever you are, stay safe, see you in a couple of years i guess!

im.nervous about tomorrow, i feel sick and sad and idk what to say tomorrow :(( no body to tell, ask, brainstorm or anything, i wish i could tell people but it just feels pointless and like weight on people. While im happy to keep it to myself im also unhappy to. I read back my old letter today and in the note section about who to go to when i need help was a name i can no longer go to help/talk to for and it made me laugh a bit, i also told them if im ever in a crisis he is the only one they can contact that i trust. And this was less that 6 months ago.. im just trying to think of my future self and that what im feelikg right now, going through and healing is all so i can be completely finenin the future.

The only times it crosses my mind is the small things id be doing in the day where id probably message him what im up to.. other than that i feel like nothings changed.. its almost more sad this way because im trying to think of how the relationship was actuallu adding anything different to my life..

Im struggling with getting tasks done right now.. the same as in the relationship

Im not getting physical attention.. i wasnt in the relationship either..

Im not inspired to be healthier in my food/excersise.. i wasnt in the relationship either

Im not super encouraged to attain personal and futute goals.. i wasnt in the relationship either.. or it felt more like that was a cursed topic.

I dont feel majorly unwanted because i didnt feel super wanted in the relationship either.. if anything, this is more uspetting me writting this right now. What has changed? I feel the same, better, most days. Now i am just having to be self reliant, like i always was. But with less depressive feelings of being in a co-partnership and not being equal supported.

It was hard and draining.. i feel like i was always giving and giving and it was being taken and taken at no consideration of my expense. Im proud of myseld because i did ALL of that and still was strong enough to push myself as well. I felt like a duplicated mother and not a girlfriend, bringing meals to his lap, asking if hes saved money, planning what we do...there wasnt much in it for me, just being taken from all the time and for the most part didnt get appreciation either.., i feel like i was the one to tell him everything, he never asked about my finances, savings together for holidays or life, even working on my website, he never asked to see, only when i completed it and showed him. My uni grades, mental state, if im eating fruit.. i get it if i was too much sometimes, but at least you had me there for you in all capacities of your life, i was truly trying to look out for you everywhere, to help everywhere, personal progress, physical health, mental health, finance, living, future plans, dates, long distance dates, calls, texts, plans when in person, fixing your forgetfulness, fixing your lateness, EVERYTHING

Im angry because if i had recieved equal and mutual support, i feel like i would have been more amazing than what ive tried already, but even now im still only dipping my toes in things, and im.imagining the feeling of being inspired by a partner, the boost in life it would give me, not having everyhting be so serious, laughing at mistakes together, taking a plunge together, and the feeling of that person trying their hardest to get themselves to a situation where they could access me easier, both of us.. even after saying you were hopeful for our future and i mentioned how id need to live close to someone, you kicked off at me and wouldnt dare consider looking outside of the city.. it hurt because i wasnt TELLING you what to do. I hoped that you would understand ina relationship you would wwnt to be close to the person.

I felt like you were just waiting for me to do everything.. i didnt feel like you were even considering the thought of living with me after my 3rd year because it would be easier for you to wait until ive figured it out and plan it. I kept thinking as soon as i finish id be the one looking for flats and trying to scramble it together so we can be close, while he sits and just lets me do 90% of the work. That vision used to make me so upset that i just wanted to grab onto any thread of feeling he would give me that he wants to live with me soon, more than a 'yes i do'.. but everytime i wanted to talk about it there came a sigh, a hastle, a tone of voice that made it sound like such a huge dent in the evening, that it was always a 'Yess YESS I GET IT' and always put off.. the time was coming really soon and i was so thinly holding onto the idea that living with me would make him see life with me differently, and it took so much for me to emotionally bear with the fact that this person could barely show an interest in any aspect of a mature life together. This person that would say they love me and truly feel connected with me and in every card would write how we would always be together.. sighed and left the conversation everytime i wanted to chat about it. I was ready to move onto the next chapter of my life with you, and while.i know you were having it rough and going through things and wanted to figure things out. I didnt see you wanting to make effort for you or me, i was in limbo on my future, i was ready to adjust and put things aside and compromise for a relationship as you should. But i was so scared of these compromises i was making at the expense of myself, for someone who wasnt making any for me.. i dont know when this started happening... i dont know if this just is your personality and i was invested in what i thought would fit for me, but it feels like all of this is because of university. That the year you left, it all went downhill, innmy eyes became severely depressed, addicted to videogames and numb to a lot of the world including me. Events happened in your life after that and it piled on top until yoi just shut off everything. I wanted to support you throigh it and im so sorry these things happened.. i know i could have dome better for you but i had to keep myself up too and i was so prepared to do that for a long while to see you get better, i was still ready until the night we split. I have spent time thinking if he finished uni would it all be different? Would he be in a job he loves? Would he have gone straight into moving out getting a car and us being happier straight away? Im confused as to if all this time i was just tryint to squeeze you into someone who would be a suitable match for me, or if you really were just having a rough time and will be happy and everything i could have wanted once you feel better and are no longer suffering?

I dont think you ever told me what you want.. i feel like from the beginning you always knew i was adventurous and a big dreamer, but you never opposed to those things or made it seem like its not the life you want, but if in fact you only dream of having a decent job, not living far from home with a few holiday a year, a small family and a homey wife then why wouldnt you make thay clear to me sooner? You never said that either so how would i know if i was pushing you too far.. even to this day i dont know what he wants.. my biggest dilemma is "hes unhappy right now and thats why he is the way he is about us, or its just the way he is and hes unhappy because im pushing my vision of us too far"

The biggest thing that hurt was the feeling of how much of a struggle it felt like to talk about living together.. thay our dream since we started dating was to be with eachoyher fulley one day.. and we got so close and i no longer felt you wanted that.. it just felt like we had been building up to this moment, part reason i came 5 hrs away from home yo uni was so i could be at one closer to you, but the uninterested tone in your voice when regards to you moving slightly out of your comfort zone to be with me hurt so weirdly like id never expect... it hurt because i keep wondering how you were going to move and live in japan for the most part of a year, but with me a bit further than your city.. its too much.. :((

Fear

I see my Therapist today and it is definitely long overdue!  I’m actually happy that I finally get to see her.  

She makes a lot of valid points but the one that I’m thinking about right now is... a lot of things that I’m afraid of are so big in my mind but in reality, they aren’t that big of a deal!  What this means to me? Because obviously she said it better... is that I ignore a lot of things, like my health, moving, bills, etc because I’m afraid of it.  I just ignore them all together because I am afraid to know the truth.  The reason she said this to me is because I have an issue with overspending and not budgeting my finances.  The reason I do this is because its easier to ignore and hope its there, then actually look and see how much we have.

She made a great point... is it really as big as my mind thinks it is?  This post was triggered because I wanted to go into my bank account and then got too scared to do it.  If i wasn’t so afraid of it, then maybe i could learn to save better.  Feelings are powerful but they aren’t dangerous.

Sometimes our thoughts and emotions aren’t the truth.  I get cringy even with my husband.  

She mentioned is the reason I’m cringy is because he’s male?  I mean truthfully, I’m like that with my mom to.  So i know its not just cause of males.  But... at the same time, I don’t like any kind of attention from men either.  I don’t know... Natalie seems to think its because of my past.  But honestly, I still haven’t been able to emotionally connect the two.

In my mind.. I truly believe that the stuff from my past doesnt affect me now.  But what if it does and I’ve suppressed it so well and so deeply that I just dont know how much it does bother me.  I dont know.. but I hope that time will tell me the answers.

Be aware of an emotion without judging it.  Just think thats interesting.

If i refuse to look at my feelings and keep avoiding feelings, thats when they feel so scary because they are so big.  Everything overflows...

Like holding back the ocean.

I’m afraid of feeling.  I have been numbed for awhile.  

I think this all really started about 7 years ago.  Right when Bill moved in with me and my mom and step dad.  I think I’ve always been numb to my feelings but it was at least manageable.  I was loving, kind, happy, engaged in life, had a good social life.. it wasn’t perfect but it was manageable.  The past was manageable.

There was a defining moment when I think my heart became numb.  Poor Bill.  Innocent, kind, sweet Bill moves in around the same time I find out my step dad is cheating on my mom.  My mom didnt have anywhere to turn or how to deal with her own feelings so she took it out on me.  She’s always had an anger problem but it hasn’t been since high school that she was really ruthless.  Her 20+ marriage was going downhill fast and my step dad was gone for days at a time.  He lied his ass off and my mom was in severe denial.  She lived this fake persona as if she believed all his bullshit but i knew in my heart she knew better.  She just didnt want to face it.  So instead she’d get angry with me over the stupidest shit or for things I had nothing to do with. The longer my step dad was gone- the angrier and out of control my mom would get.  She would say the worst, horrible, foul things you could possible imagine.  She screamed at the top of her lungs.. literally scream, like someone was cutting her open or trying to kill her.  And all that screaming and anger was directed at me and while it was easier to cry it out and move on when it was just the two of us, something about Bill seeing and hearing it for himself literally killed me.  Every time she called me fat or worthless or bitch or threw something at me, a little piece of me died.  I couldnt protect him.  I felt severe shame, heartbreak, loss, major trauma from this and to make it worse?  I was being beaten up by my mom (not physically) for all the pain she was feeling from my step dad but at the same time, keeping the biggest secret of my life that I knew would send her over the edge.  So I was defenseless in so many ways and yet I couldn’t tell her that I knew he was cheating.  It was a lot to handle.  A lot.  

What i said just wrote to my husband

Remember when we lived on Horatio and my mom would loose her mind and scream at me.  Like literally scream.  Saying awful, horrific things to me at the top of her lungs and slamming shit? Remember in the beginning I would go into the room and sob... i would fall to my knees and sob.  You were so helpless, there was nothing you could do to protect me.  And i knew you wanted to.  I knew when we first started dating and you lived there that you wanted to say something, i remember vaguely times when you first experienced all that fighting that you were angry and I had to beg you not to say anything.  I kept telling you that you would only make it worse.  I think i even threatened you not to.  Like, "oh if you dare confront her I'll leave you" sort of shit.  I might be wrong.  But you knew i was serious about it.  So you never did.  I remember you wanted to.  I feel like I should have let you.  From the very beginning I emasculated you, emasculated as in...  made you keep quiet, stay in the shadows, not say anything... and you didnt.  You did exactly what I asked and maybe that wasn't the right thing to do.  Maytbe i should have but I was so scared of her and I had nowhere else to go and in a new relationship... I was SOOO scared of how she'd react.  Things were hard enough.  And here we are.. years later and one of my biggest gripes I have with you is the fact that you dont stand up for me.  (not an issue right now) but just in the past you know?  And I think back and im like, DAMMM I'm part of why you dont.  I dont know.. i know the reason I am the way I am now is because of what transpired while we were in Horatio and part of Victoria.  The shit that happened with my mom and step dad was unbearable.  She was literally abusive.  And all the while i was hiding this secret because i still wanted to protect her.  Fucking insane.  I have a looooooong ways to go but i'll get there.  Natalie (my therapist) said.. I'm afraid of feeling.  she said... "If i refuse to look at my feelings and keep avoiding feelings, thats when they feel so scary because they are so big.  Everything overflows...  Like holding back the ocean."  She said, "when i get awkward or cringy or weirded out by you or others, its not really you that caused it..." Its all the years of being numb.  Numb to sadness and numb to happiness.  I never thought about it before... but shes right, I dont just fear the bad things, I fear the good to.  I don't like to feel either one.  She really is changing my life.  And here we are, and I dont even want you to respond LOLLL because I dont want to feel the cringe from what you'll have to say.  LOLLLL but i'll get there with time.  I will.

FEB 13, 2017

Today I was feeling really emotional but it didn’t start off that emotional. The drive to school this morning was lovely so I figured I would also have a lovely day. Once I got to school things started going downhill. I was being so positive and happy when people would talk to me.  but the second I got back in my car to go back home I just broke down crying. I stopped crying the second the picked up my sister. I didn’t want her to see me crying. When we got home we baked vanilla cupcakes from scratch and frosted them really pretty. It was nice spending time with her since she didn’t have school today. AFter we finished baking the cupcakes I felt really sad again so I took a really long nap but I woke up really tired. I’ve just been really sad lately. I’ve been stressed eating too, not junk food though ( I stopped eating fast food back in December). I’ve been really emotionally unstable , it’s so exhausting and my head hurts, my chest hurts and it gets so hard ofr me to breath. theres times durring the and ESPECIALLY at night where it feels like I’m breathing through a straw and things are blurry. It just all hurts and sucks. I just want things to go back and I want Manny. Anyways my grandma invited us to go over for a small valentines celebration since everyone is going to be busy with their dates tomorrow. Except for me haha I don’t have anyone. My plans for valentines is just go to the gym and spend the rest of my night with my cat. I feel like thats how my life is going to be :c 

Yeah it’s going to suck seeing what everyone gets tomorrow, all happy and everything. Don’t get me wrong, I love how most people are going to be happy and celebrating with someone. It’s cuuuuuuute

It’s just a little sad for me because all I want is for Manny to text me and if I’m being honest I also want a yellow rose! My favorite!!!!!!

This one guy in my class on Thursday asked me why I don’t give eye contact and that question really surprised me, he said that I was scared and emotionally damaged to the point that I was scared of letting people in because I knew they were going to leave me. He said I was masking my emotions and that I resembled a dog that has been neglected and abused so many times that it’s hard for me to trust. He’s a psychology major and thinks he knows everything.

I don’t think its true though, I feel like I’m to blame for a lot of things. I’m the one that keeps damaging my self. I’ll be okay.

So that was my day… not much and now I have homework to finish. Tomorrow will be a better day. A better day…. 

not a poem i wrote this cause its 1am and im bored

every day i set my alarm for 5:45am to allow myself a fake ‘lie in’ and then when it goes off i turn it off and go back to sleep and set another alarm which is usually 7. when i open my eyes its usually just before 7 and so i quickly turn the alarm off before it goes off, i don’t know why but the idea of an alarm going off after i have already woken up really bugs me and quite frankly i hate loud noises and abrupt deafening sounds, especially when i have just opened my damn eyes !!!? sometimes i think i must have died in a past life of being screamed at or another alternative life i would have probably drowned because the ocean scares the crap out of me but thats another story for another day. and so after i have switched the alarm off quickly before it goes off puts me in a bad mood all day, i usually, although i should take full advantage of waking up earlier, get back into bed and go back to sleep because after all i’ve still got time hunny. then i wake up to my mum or dad telling me to get up and asking why i haven’t moved yet and it’ll be like 7:30 and i’ll be like shit i have aprox 28 mins to get dressed to catch the bus at the bus stop 2 mins away for 8. so i dash out of bed like sonic the blue hedgehog and i sometimes think wow i’m way too hungry a gal gotta catch breakfast and make myself late which i’ll get into. so its usually two slices of lightly toasted bread with whatever chocolate coated cereal we got in with some water. i hate water, it tastes like weird, if you think water has no taste then i envy you cause i taste some weird taste every time i drink water from any tap, any bottle, any source. i take it upstairs and eat it on my bed cause it tastes better that way for some reason and it makes me feel more relaxed about being behind schedule. hate that word schedule like some people (like my dad) say shedule n i’m like wtf. shed? also an ugly arrangement of letters sorry schedule fans. and so i probably watch anderz which is a vlog channel on youtube by helen anderson and her life is a lot more interesting than mine so it spices things up a lil you know. and practically swallow my breakfast whole cause i’m in that much of a rush and then pick an outfit which takes me forever and turns out to look shit anyway lol kms and dash straight into the bathroom like sonic himself and go to the toilet for my routine wee and then wash my hands, brush my teeth, wet my face with warm water, put clearasil face wash on my face and then rinse it off with water again and then wash my hands again. because i have an addiction to washing my hands and i like to carry hand sanitiser with me wherever i go but its usually not enough because i like the feel of cold water splashing on my hands and hand sanitiser thats been sitting in the bottom of my above room temperature bag doesn’t quite compare. so then i put deodorant on and get all my fresh clothes on ya know the drill !!! and go sit on my phone again and continue to watch anderz vlogs and then see the time n think ooo i’m really living life on the edge here so i start to put makeup on my face and most of the time i don’t look at my face while putting it on because over the years i have grown accustomed to not liking my face at all for a various number of reasons and so i prefer to not look at it much ya no it really kills my vibe and i wanna feel like queen b not a rodent ok . i usually take a long time to get ready to then only look like a large poo emoji hahah !!! but then i chose my trainers that i’ve grown a little collection of and i set off for the bus feeling fine. after checking i have the correct £1.40 in my pocket so i don’t have to count it at the bus stop with a potential bus arriving or even worse, on the bus when i can feel peoples piercing eyes on me and i am terrible at counting money quickly sorry its not my fault you’re late for work deborah, i’m late myself and i can’t have the guilt of you too this gal already to emotionally unstable n i’m gunna collapse. i double check the change like seven times while i’m standing at the bus stop and keep a look out for the bus. one time i was at a bus stop (the other day actually) and because the bus stop is on a road just before a corner, you can never be sure when a bus is gunna come cause u can’t bloody see wtf who’s idea was this ?? and so whenever you hear a bus like engine roaring up, you gotta act fast. so i’m stood at the bus stop, a woman comes and stands behind me, cool i’m not alone whatever. a bus imitating noise comes along and i sure as hell move my ass fast from inside the shelter to outside of the hut where i get as close to the edge of the road to depart and climb on board of the bus. after aprox 3 seconds a truck flies past and i jump out of my knickers and back the hell up, i’m sure the woman thought i was straight up going to take my 19 years that morning, it didn’t happen. i feel a little silly, the bus comes, i’m running late like most days and by now i don’t even see the point in checking the time, i either make it or i don’t, looking makes it more real so i chose to do a timeless sprint from the bus station to the train station flying past everybody at, in my mind, 70mph. i feel like a bird flying through the air, by about 5 minutes into my power walk i feel like a penguin trying to fly and my shins start stabbing and feeling like they’re gunna snap off and because i’m in no form fit, i can’t breathe and this particularly day i was wearing heeled boots, bad move wtf you should have gone for one of my nice selection of trainers silly. i speed round a corner feeling good and like lightning and then my ankle swerves on an uneven pavement piece (wtf ?!!!) and i nearly fall on to a bunch of 16 year old middlesbrough college sport boys. its embarrassing but i’m already red from the flight. i run up the stairs going light headed and get on my train with 2 minutes to spare. i couldn’t breathe but it was brilliant, i did it. the train usually sets off like 5 mins later than 32 minutes past 8 as it should. i don’t mind much, in fact i couldn’t care less. i then proceed to pant and break into a mild sweat and because i’m an idiot, i never pack water and so i dehydrate but least i’m gunna make it to uni right? so i put my bag on the seat next to me and put my earphones in because i don’t have any friends as you will probably realise lol. i put a bit of kanye on or something like that, maybe london grammar if i’m feeling suicidal or feeling like i’m gunna die from a heart attack because of the exercise, i’d wanna go out to something nice like that ya know. train trugs along, thornaby, stockton, billingham, seaton carew and then hartlepool. it goes on further to better places like cool newcastle but stops there for me like most things in my life hehe !! so then i get off and power walk into the uni building with kanye or something blasting down my ear canals making me feel like a full blown g. i often forget my uni card so the g stops usually at the door where i stand pondering how the hell i’m gunna get in and if i’m ever gunna make it. usually someone comes and then they have a card and so its cool, i get up the stairs and go into the room where the magic happens lol jk. nothing happens here in the story for like ¾ hours cause i just sit by myself occasionally doing some work while taking breaks of staring into space because not many acknowledge me haha :) i then realise nothing will literally happen if i just leave, so then i go home again, sometimes after an hour lol i just hate it. i like the course, i love drawing even though i can’t really draw anything but apart from that i just wish the train would be completely late :) so i repeat the travelling process but in reverse and get home for like 2/3. i then go on the computer often playing sims and then get a shower and get my pyjamas on and get into bed. i don’t talk to anyone apart from my family all day every day :) my friends have dropped me which is ya know a bit disheartening but you can’t persuade someone to like you so i’ve just left them to it. i’m alone now and i’m depressed. my days are just slow but racing past and everything is going downhill by the second. 2016 was shit. hope 2017 isn’t or i dunno what i’m gunna do. i have my friend Shannon, she’s like my bestfriend but its a bit poo cause shes in uni so its hard to get to see her much but im going to manchester to see her for a weekend next week and we’re going to see jeremy kyle live so thats funny, i actually can’t wait. But the rest is drab and i hope for change and i hope i find some friends around here haha