just talking/worrying about my life

i really really want to go away to college, partly because i actually really like school when i'm not a) severely mentally ill and b) having to take classes i hate and c) 100% online classes, and also because i really want to be more independent and not live with my mom and college feels like a good opportunity to do that (and i've lived in the same city since i was 6, i would really like to live somewhere else)

but to be honest i'm terrified that i won't get accepted anywhere out of state and then it's like... what do i do now? i didn't do as well on my SATs as i could have had i known about the test more than 2 days in advance. i'm a high school dropout and most of my community college transcript is withdrawals. i did do well in the classes i actually completed and i did really really well on my GED, but it's been so long since i've been in school or even really doing ANYTHING that i feel like i'm just not smart enough, or just too out of practice to even get in anywhere. and if i do manage to get in, i'm terrified that i'll go away and won't be able to handle school, or won't be able to handle living alone, or won't meet any of my personal goals i want to accomplish during college, and i'll just have to drop out and move back with my mom (which is not the end of the world if it does happen, i love my mom and i know she'll support me, but i don't want it to happen anyway). and then it's like... college is so insanely expensive. i know i'll have my parent's support but it's SO much money and then i like... have to pay for food, what if i'm horrible at feeding myself and i relapse and have to drop out? what if COVID gets significantly worse and i'm alone in a strange city and i get sick?

i know that all of this is the extreme what-ifs i do in any scenario, and i always, always doubt my capabilities for everything, and more often than not it turns out much better than i expected (like i was CERTAIN i was going to fail the GED at first). and if i don't apply to schools there is zero chance that i will get in. i know i'll be able to survive no matter what happens, and i have parents who are well off and who will always let me move back home if i need to.

but somehow when i was 15/16 and just assumed i was going to die before my eighteenth birthday everything seemed less stressful. now i'm here, alive, wanting to live, 19 years old and it's like. now what.

I just saw a fucking DOOZY of a post on Facebook. I can’t repost it because it is, I’m not even kidding, twenty fucking eight images long. but it’s public so I’ll link it here.

The basic premise: some man and some woman are dating. She wants to get married and have children and he obliges. Time goes on, guy is burnt out from work and kids and Bitch Wife™ wont let him decompress on the computer without nagging him. She complains she doesn’t get enough attention to her friends and they give her the “dump him, sis” speech. She ends up cheating with a rando who DMed her on social. They divorce and she lies to their kids, says he doesn’t have time for them because he’s dating someone new and the divorce is somehow his fault. He has a friend suggest online dating and he’s confused about how weird and petty dating websites are. He tells kiddos he misses them and they’re like “whatever dad we know you have a new gf and don’t care about us anymore”. He confronts her and she says “blah blah it’s probably true”. He gets infuriated with the support she gets on social media because she’s the one who’s in the wrong.

I always wonder about the legitimacy of stories like this tbh. There’s definitely context missing, even if this woman cheating and framing the events of the divorce dishonestly to their kids. Like, this is almost a perfect mirror image of my parents splitting up.

Actually I think it was worse in my case because I was around 13 years old when my parents’ marriage was on the rocks. I went onto my moms computer so I could upload and post some pictures I’d taken with the camera I’d recently gotten and found… evidence. Honestly that was one of the worst moments of my life because I saved my allowance for fucking TWO YEARS to buy a dslr and I was so excited to share my first pictures I’d taken with it. It was important to me and I upload them only to find pictures of a man named Shannon’s hideous looking penis on iPhoto. This man was also dumb enough to send nudes with his face in them which is… certainly an infidelity choice. I told my dad about it and he said “fuck that” and filed the divorce paperwork the first chance he got. My mom was unaware of my role in this. still is because I never told her this and my dad would never put me in the crosshairs of this because he knew she was abusive to me –he actually pressed charges against her for it once. based dad. only one who ever stood up for me. i love him so much. But she 100% was in a crowd where her friends were waxing poetic about divorce and tried to tell me and my brother all this heavily, heavily framed stuff about our dad to win us over. We didn’t bite because, like, she’s a bitch and a liar. But attempts were made. She ended up dating an absolute urethra of a man around half her age for a while. My dad did the online dating thing, met my stepmom through it, obviously married her. My mom is presently chronically lonely, but has always had her breakup decision validated, probably because she hasn’t entirely been honest about what actually happened.

So the described course of events could have more than a kernel of truth about it. But the reason why there was so much tension between the two of them in the first place is because my dad’s parents and siblings really, really did nothing to couch how much they disliked her. He wasn’t inclined to stir the pot, so he didn’t really push back with the issue. I’m not sure if the child abuse stuff was kind of a open secret amongst them, and I know she’s a terribly unpleasant person. But I can be compassionate to how shitty it is to be in a position like that and how bad that is for a marriage, even though my opinion of her is below the dirt and always will be, even if I play civility with her now. She’ll never have my forgiveness, but I can call a spade a spade.

But I get sketched out when people present this as a totally uncomplicated universality. The intentions. Feels like it’s being used to service a point about feminine duplicitousness and bizarro-world arguments about family court and child custody. Abusive women exist, certainly, and their modus operandi tends to differ from that of abusive men. If someone presents a story like this as a vent post, fine, whatever. It’s your profile and I’m not a cop. But “this is so true and happens all the time” is… Um. Not a thing I trust.

OK so let me spell the tea for you so corina was dating this guy named Gustavo Elis  I believe they met while filming a TV show in Venezuela because she did acting before devoting herself to singing so anyways he’s also a singer and they were together for a few years and then they break up I don’t know why he’s not that relevant or famous and at the time that they ended she wasn’t that big so I can’t find any information on that but anyways so after that she starts seeing Dalex we don’t know how long that actually lasted we just know that they definitely had something together because she used to have highlights on her story and one of them was them working on a song together that was never released probably because they ended things but the real drama is that so Dalex was having a party in Miami I think it was celebrating an accomplishment of pa mi remix because that song like changed everything for him like nobody really knew who he was before this like this was his song so anyways corina wasn’t just at the party she was at the party with him like there’s a picture of somewheres on his Instagram of them together I believe from the same night but I haven’t seen it in a while and I don’t know if it’s still up but basically her ex-boyfriend who was uninvited my dad decides to show up to this party with another girl for no reason like it’s not even like he’s in in the urban scene and got an invitation somehow from someone like he’s never collaborated or has ever been associated with any urban artist not even any urban artists from Venezuela has he associated with like of course there’s popular artists in Venezuela but like I’m talking about artists that have made it across Latin America like J Balvin or Natti Natasha or even all the Puerto Ricans like people listen to them in the different countries and even out of those countries so essentially he had no way of even being invited to this party like corina was just starting to make a name for herself and she was just starting to get more urban collaborations but Gustavo wasn’t even close to and even now isn’t close to being a no-name in the urban market and then I think that Dalex and Karina were together for a little bit longer but then they broke things off my best assumption because they weren’t actually official is that she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with someone who already had three kids because that’s a big responsibility like I don’t blame her for that you know what I mean like I couldn’t imagine like living my life and then all the sudden I become a stepmom like that and now Dalex is married and he’s continued his grind he’s releasing an album next month corina I believe is releasing her debut this year I don’t know she’s also dating Reggaetón singer mora she’s had some really good collaborations and other amazing things this year and for Gustavo he just completely fell off no one cares about him and he went back to his ex from like 2011 because no one would take him and now they’re having a kid together 

1/2?

Five Weeks In Detention Chapter 4: The Third Week

Read it on AO3

Chapter 4/6

Word Count: 2578

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Piper definitely had a crush.

She was willing to admit that now. She was willing to admit that as soon as Annabeth and Percy hugged like two people who love each other. It was clear as day that they’d go through hell for each other just in the way they’re faces looked when they saw one another.

Piper thought it was kinda ironic that she could tell other people’s feelings with one look but it took her three weeks so realize her own.

Though, I did make sense that she had a crush on Annabeth after spending four hours in her presence every day for two weeks. And texting her constantly when they aren't together. And thinking about Annabeth.

Thinking about Annabeth more than any “just friend” should.

Thinking about her how lemony colored hair shines in the sunlight, how her skin looked like buttercream frosting, and how her eyes were like stone. Piper wondered what it would be like to run her hands through her curls. She didn’t care if it was tangled.

‘Thinking about a probably straight girl who has a boyfriend.’ Piper reminded herself. As she and Annabeth got lunch during school.

“I came up with a design for a building last night, I ended up staying up really late drawing it,” Annabeth said as they walked to their table.

“Can I see it?” Piper asked.

“Um, yeah, I just need to give it a few finishing touches.”

They sat down at the table where Leo was already sitting. Annabeth pulled out a notebook and started drawing. Piper tried to distract herself with her food. She took one bite and spit it back out.

“What's wrong?” Leo asked.

“Lunch is extra shitty today.” Piper pushed the tray away.

“Should've brought yours from home.” Leo took a bite of his enchilada. Piper stuck her tongue out at him.

“Oh god, that really is awful,” Annabeth said, with food still in her mouth. “How can you fuck up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?”

Piper leaned forward towards Annabeth, “How about I throw this out and we get Chinese food after detention, Annabeth?” Piper turned to Leo, “Without Leo.” she added.

“Hell yeah,” Annabeth pushed her tray of food away and went back to drawing. Piper picked up both trays and took them over to the trash. After she threw out the contents of the trays her mind went back to Annabeth. Piper turned on her phone and was faced with her and Annabeth's recent texts.

Another issue with Piper’s unrequited crush is the fact that it’s commonplace for platonic girlfriends to be somewhat intimate while still remaining platonic. For instance, last week, when Annabeth spent a day with her probably-boyfriend, Percy, she felt perfectly comfortable with texting Piper pictures of the swimsuits she somehow found to ask her opinions on which she should get.

Piper wasn't prepared for that. And she didn’t want to be creepy but Annabeth looked good in the swimsuits. Piper felt perverted when she looked at the pictures. It's not like she did or even thought perverted things, the feeling just came with it.

She was now distracted by the photos and didn't even notice that she was just standing there by the trashcans like a weirdo. One swimsuit was a black one-piece which Annabeth said she preferred. The other was a pink, purple, and blue tie-dye which she said Percy wanted her to get. Piper never responded to her. She just changed to subject a couple hours later and assumed Annabeth pucked one out on her own. She looked great in both.

Piper put her phone away and walked back to the table. Annabeth had finished drawing and was now looking at something on her phone.

“Oh, yeah, which swimsuit did you end up picking, Annabeth?” Piper asked as she sat down.

“Neither, I found a one piece in the same tie-dye, Percy was so happy I picked on with the colors of the bi flag.”

“Are you bi?” Piper asked.

“Yeah,” Annabeth said, shrugging as if it were the most obvious thing ever. She scrolled through her phone and held it up, “Here’s a picture of the swimsuit.”

Annabeth looked good in this one too. But that wasn’t important. “I can’t believe I didn’t know you’re bi,” Piper said.

“There's a big flag pin on my backpack,” Annabeth said.

Piper was willing to admit that was pretty obvious. “Can I see your drawing?” Piper asked.

Annabeth put down her phone and held up her notebook. There was a pencil drawing of a tall skyscraper with trees around the bottom and notes about the height and how many floors the building has written next to it.

“It's really good,” Piper said.

“What kind of building is it?” Leo asked.

“A made-up company’s headquarters,” Annabeth said, putting the notebook down. “Maybe your future mechanic company, Leo.”

“Hell yeah, when I'm rich and famous for being a mechanic you're designing the headquarters of m company and my giant mansion.” Leo took a bite of his food.

“You couldn't afford me.” Annabeth leaned across the table and took a bite of Leo's enchilada.

Piper looked down at her phone and started scrolling through Instagram. When her stomach growled she prayed to any god that was listening that she wouldn't starve to death before the end of school.

***

“Siri, find a Chinese restaurant nearby,” Annabeth said into her phone from the passenger seat.

“There are three Chili's near you,”

“No!” Annabeth said. Piper laughed.

“Here,” Piper said, looking it up on her own phone. They picked out a restaurant and Piper set her phone in the cupholder while it read her directions.

When they arrived they realized the restaurant they had picked was really just for takeout. So they each bought a serving of vegetable fried rice and took their takeout to a park and found a shady patch of grass to sit on as they ate.

Piper took a bite of her rice. “Y’know for takeout, this is really good rice,”

“Definitely,” Annabeth said her mouth full.

Piper took off her shoes so she could feel the cold grass on her skin. “By the way, Annabeth,” she started.

Annabeth looked up from her food.

“You’ve only lived here a couple months right?”

Annabeth nodded.

“But your brothers have been here a while, I met them on Halloween last year. I remember ‘cause they can to my house wearing headdresses and face paint.” Piper used air-quotes as she said “Native American”

“I held their candy hostage while I gave them both a lecture on cultural appropriation. Anyways, did like your dad and stepmom get married after Halloween or something?” Piper said.

Annabeth smiled put down her rice. “Well, um that’s a kind of long story-” she took a deep breath and Piper was afraid she had crossed a line. “-Um, when I was about ten, I wanted to go live with my mom in New York, so I did. I lived there until this summer when my mom and I could barely stand each other anymore.”

Piper scooted closer to Annabeth. “What was New York like? I mean, besides your mom.”

Annabeth smiled. “Other than my mom, New York was fantastic. Usually, after school and on weekends I’d just go hang out with Thalia, which was so nice, I mean, Thalia’s the best, she raised me better than my mom every did. Also, she was actually the whole reason I went to summer camp. She was a counselor and suggested I go so I wouldn’t have to spend the whole summer around my mom.”

“Is the summer camp where you met Percy?”

“Yeah, I made a lot of friends there. I was kinda hard not to when I went there every summer for six years. The camp was the only thing that seemed real. Everything else felt like it had no purpose”

“You really loved that camp, huh?” Piper had never seen Annabeth speak so fondly of something.

“I mean, yeah, I even had my first kiss there.”

Piper raised one eyebrow. “With Percy?”

There was a faint pink tint on Annabeth’s cheeks. “Yeah,” she looked down at her lap.

“Why are you blushing? I think it’s romantic that you’re still dating our first kiss.”

Annabeth looked up “I’m not dating Percy,”

“Do you want to? You two clearly love each other. And not to brag but I’m kinda the ultimate matchmaker.”

“Everyone keeps asking me questions like that.” Annabeth huffed, “Percy and I dated for five minutes one summer and he’s still my best friend, so I do love him but I’m not in love with him.” Annabeth looked up at the sky, squinting.

With those words, Piper felt like a million pounds had been lifted off her shoulders. Knowing that Annabeth was single was one of the best feelings in the world. Piper was almost tempted to tackle Annabeth to the ground and kiss her right there.

And kiss her some more.

And drive her somewhere where they could make out. And buy her flowers and all kinds of other gifts. Anything that made it clear that Piper was attracted to Annabeth.

Instead, since Annabeth was still looking at the sky she took some rice from Annabeth's oyster pail.

This, however, caught Annabeth’s attention. “You have your own right there!” she said, gesturing towards Piper’s oyster pail.

“Yours tastes better,”

Annabeth took a bite of Piper’s rice. “And so does yours.”

“We could just trade,”

“But then the flavors would change. It’s a known law of the universe that someone else’s food always tastes better than your own.” Annabeth said before taking another bite of Piper’s rice.

They kept eating each other’s rice and talking for nearly an hour. Eventually, Annabeth abandoned Piper’s food and laid down in the grass with the sun on her face. Piper stayed in the shade and cringed at the thought of Annabeth getting a sunburn on her face. It seemed like it would hurt like hell. “Annabeth, you’re gonna get a sunburn, you’re white.”

Annabeth sat up, her face somehow already looked a little red. “You people of color are so lucky, with your melanin and whatnot,” she returned next to Piper, “But my people did steal your land, enslave, rape, and murder your people and I’m still privileged despite that so I think I’ll be okay.”

“How woke of you,” Piper said, resting her elbows on her legs, just above her knees.

“I try,” Annabeth laid back down on the grass, with all of her skin still in the shade. “Do you read poetry, Piper?”

Piper snorted, “No, I’m not a hipster or a millennial,”

This time it was Annabeth’s turn to snort, “You’re the biggest hipster I know,”

“One, I wear tacky lesbian fashion, and two, have you looked in a mirror lately?” Piper counted off her points on her fingers.

“Whatever, anyways there was this poet, Sappho, in ancient Greece, and she lived on this island called Lesbos and the citizens were called lesbians. Anyways, Sappho and all her other gay friends all loved girls so much and wrote poems about different women so much that it’s what Lesbos was known for and that’s why women solely attracted to women are called lesbians.” Annabeth said. Piper wondered how the hell Annabeth learned this.

“Man, I wish I was so gay that an entire Island was known for being gay because of me.”

“It’s pretty impressive,” Annabeth said.

“Do you know any of her poetry?” Piper asked.

“Just one but it’s really short, it may just be a fragment of one. ‘The moon appeared in her fullness when women took their place around the altar.’”

Piper thought Annabeth was a little like the moon. Pale and still mysterious no matter how close you get. But still comforting with her constant presence despite the mystery.

Piper smiled. “That’s a great poem.”

“Yeah, I have a whole book of her poetry at home,”

“Of course you do,”

“It was a coming out present from Thalia.”

Piper laughed. Annabeth smiled so her one tooth stuck out. Piper smiled when she noticed the tooth. The tooth that was undeniable proof that Piper got Annabeth to smile, and that it was a 100% real smile.

Annabeth pulled her phone from her pocket and her smile fell a bit when she unlocked it. “My parents want me to go home.”

“Then I guess we should get going,” Piper gathered up their oyster pails and fork.

“I don't want to,” Annabeth said, but she sat up anyways.

Piper found a trash can and threw out the empty oyster pails. She and Annabeth got in her car. Annabeth picked up the bag their food came in off the floor. “Oh, there’s fortune cookies,” she said.

Annabeth handed one to Piper and broke open the other. “This is so tiny, how can someone read this?”

“Here,” Piper said, holding out her hand. She read the tiny print aloud “‘If you speak honestly, everyone will listen,’”

“Oh, that’s boring,” Annabeth said, taking the paper back from Piper, “Why couldn’t it have told me I’m gonna be a millionaire?” she asked before taking a bite of the cookie.

Piper cracked open her own cookie, put the broken halves on her lap, and read the paper, “‘Pray to God, but row towards shore.’ “What the hell? That makes no sense.”

“What’s with these shitty fortune cookies?” Annabeth asked, with a mouth full of her cookie.

Piper took a bite of her own. “At least the cookies themselves aren’t bad.” Piper backed out of her parking space and Annabeth picked out some music. Annabeth’s house wasn’t far from the little park so it only took a few minutes to reach it. “You know, I’m wondering why your parents haven’t been asking you about the mysterious girl who drives you places,” Piper said as they reached Annabeth’s house.

“Well, as far as they know you’re an Uber driver,” Annabeth said, reaching back for her backpack.

“They think you just end up with the exact same Uber every day?” Piper asked, somewhat shocked.

Annabeth pulled the latch on her door. “They aren’t very observant.”

“Well, bye,” Pipe said, giving a small wave. She wanted to compliment Annabeth on something, to make her feel good and also think about Piper. She considered complimenting her hair. “Uh, bye,” Annabeth said, pushing the door open. Well, this was Piper’s chance.

“By the way, Annabeth,” Piper said. Annabeth looked over her shoulder to look at Piper. “I like your hair today,” Piper said, followed immediately by, “Wait, no, that’s not what I meant to say, um,”

Piper collected her thoughts. “Your hair looks nice today,” she thought about each word as she said it.

“Thanks,” Annabeth said. “Yours looks good too.”

Annabeth waved Piper goodbye and beelined for the front door of her house. Piper watched Annabeth, making sure that she got inside.

Usually, after Annabeth got inside Piper would immediately drive off, but that day, she just hid her face in her hands, groaned, rubbed her eyes, and then drove off, homebound.

P.S. You’re Mine

Word Count: 3,803

Warnings: Mature content and themes

Rating: Teen audiences and up

Summary: Saul "Slash" Hudson has a big secret. He's not meant to be a part of this time line. On a bad acid trip, he was sent into the future where he is now residing. He's been trying to stay low-key as his older self. the one from a different timeline where Slash never went on this drug trip, can't know about his other self as that would cause a paradox. But, he falls in love with someone very close to his older self. Someone that can't know his secret. Vinny also has a huge secret. He's a prince spending his senior year in America. He wants to experience life as a normal American teenager. Vinny also falls in love with someone who can't know his secret. He wants to find a normal love as a normal American teenager. Max is in the middle of this all. He is just a normal teenage. Well, normal in the fact that the situation he is in is normal to him. He's an aspiring photographer with a father and mother he will never know. Max is the man who both Slash and Vinny have fallen in love with. He has a big decision to make when all of this comes crashing down.

Main pairing: Undecided

I really do enjoy a happy ending, to an extent. The whole idea of getting a love is just an amazing thing to ponder when I’m all alone. It would make me so happy to get my own. But I loved dreaming and seeing happy endings play out. When the man finally finds his soulmate. When all of his hard work paid off in the end. When he finally gets to rush into the arms of his love and get swept off of his feet. They would kiss each other and the wonderful lovely sun would begin to set. They would maybe even be on the beach. Then they walk off into the sunset with a smile on their faces. They would go off to live the American dream. Two and a half kids and a white picket fence. Though, I knew that was kind of unrealistic. Not many people really got to do that. To walk off into the sunset and marry their soulmate. It was adorable to watch though, seeing all of the happy couples together. The thought of having a love like the stories in the books is all I ever wanted. But I knew that never happens and if it does, the people involved tended to fall out of love very quickly. 

I smiled to myself and began working on dinner. It was my mom’s favorite, tomato soup. This would definitely be after all of the homework I had and the ACT prep. She loved to make me do the dinner but she liked me doing my homework more. She always say that I would be the breadwinner of the family. I was meant to make all the money in the family. I need to make sure I got into all the Ivy League schools. I needed to do everything I could to be successful but I wanted to become a traveling photographer or a writer, maybe even do both. But she tended to beat me when I expressed my interests in the arts. She would sit on her ass all day and watch whatever she wanted on the internet. Or gamble all of her money away.   Though she was still mooch off of my dad’s will and his insurance money, so the money she gambled away wasn’t hers, technically. It was supposed to be mine. No one knew I was the son of this famous musician. He wanted me to live a normal life but he died before I was born and my mom had just married him after his previous wife (my mom) divorced him. She had me the day before my dad died then she died not too long after. No one would know that I was the kid of a junkie and a rockstar musician. Their names weren’t even put onto my birth certificate because they didn’t want me associated with them. Custody went to my stepmom when she adopted me to probably make money off of my name and my father’s name since a good chunk of the estate went to the male heir of my father. Luckily for me, I was born before he died and was a male heir to his throne. She knew this and she made me do everything around the house. If I didn’t do all of this, I would be beat up by my mom. “Well, she was a pretty girl, but there was so much more to her. She seemed like a total skank, in my opinion. Her hair was all full of extensions and shit. Any real hair on her head was damaged by whatever drugstore silver hair dye she used on it. She was all full of these trashy ass tattoos and he dress was tighter than her skin and it barely passed her ass. All I can say is that she will never be working any type of job with all of those tattoos.” My mom walked in and side eyed me before she sat down at the kitchen table. She nodded lightly before I finished up what I was doing, making her some tomato soup out of the can. I hoped she didn’t notice, but I’m sure she would. I listened in on their conversation, my eyes were down as I avoided eye contact with her, and sighed a bit as she tasted the soup. Her face screwed up as she spat it out. The bowl lifted up a bit as her hands came down onto the table, her fists making a loud banging sound that I am sure the neighbors heard. Some of the hot soup hit my face, burning me. I picked up the bowl and sighed a bit as I looked at her. The anger she had was now turned towards me. I knew what was coming next. She would stand up and she would hit me. I cringed in horror as I prepared myself for the pain. But it never came. I never felt the sting of her hand on mine. I sighed lightly as I gave her a look. She was angered and her hand was raised but someone on the phone seemed to stop her. I sighed lightly and smiled, breathing a sigh of relief. There was a moment were everything hung in the air. It was as if someone had pressed the pause button on the television. The world was frozen around us. My mom didn’t move her hand. It was still raised above her head in anger. I was still in my position of terror, my hands up as I tried to cover my face from the impending doom that was her hand. Nothing moved a centimeter and we barely breathed. No one said anything. Not even the person on the phone said anything. We just stayed there, silent and unmoving. Then the man spoke, breaking up our moment of silence. My mom turned her face back to the phone and broke whatever amount of peace we had in the house. She walked over to the couch and sat down, turning on the television. She was out of my eyesight as soon as she sat down and I was out of hers as the couch faced away from the the kitchen. I sighed and started to clean up the mess she had made. She hadn’t spilled much but it was enough to where most of the table had at least a drop of soup on it. Once I was done with that, I grabbed myself my bowl and headed up to the attic, my room, with some of the soup. It wasn’t enough to fill me but it was enough that she wouldn’t notice that any was gone from the pot if she went in for seconds. I laid on my bed looking up at the ceiling as I tried to let the soup cool a little bit. I turned, grabbing some bread out of the drawer next to me. I smiled and looked down as the soft bread touched my bed. I had bought this, and hid it, all on my own with the money I made from taking photos. It was mostly all I could afford because I didn’t make much from these photos. They were mostly from parties friends held and all that good stuff. It wasn’t much but it meant food. I sighed and looked over at the steaming bowl of soup. It had cooled down a bit and I was able to pick it up without much pain. I began sopping up the soup with the bread. I smiled as the warm bread went down my throat. I smiled and curled around the bowl. The heat from it warmed up my lap and hands. “Maxwell Andrew! Did you steal some soup?” My mom called angrily from the first floor. I jumped, immediately hiding the bowl and bread in my nightstand drawer. I could hear her coming up the stairs. I straightened up and got on my laptop. I was on a random educational website before she burst open the door. “No mother, I did not steal any of the soup.” I said calmly even though my heart was pounding in my chest. “Then why is some of it missing?” She asked, her voice eerily clam as she moved to stand at the foot of my bed. “Because I gave some of it to you to eat but you slammed your fist on the table and it spilled everywhere. I cleaned it up and I came up here.” I smiled lightly as I sort of told the truth. A growl left her mouth as she stood up, heading out of my room. She somehow accepted the partial truth for once. She never did that. I normally had to tell her a lie and then the partial truth. Then the whole truth then she would still not believe me. But she actually allowed me to go with the partial truth. I slowly pulled the soup and finished it up quickly. A random number popped up on my phone along with a text, “Are you down for a photoshoot tonight?” “Who is this? If you don’t mind me asking.” I texted back and almost immediately got a text back from them. “The name is Saul Hudson and I would like to make sure I look good for some social media posts I want to make. I also want to make sure I get my name out there along with some talented photographers. I found you through a really good friend and I really want to get my photos taken by you. They said to got to your Instagram page and I found your phone number there and I know this is probably really creepy but I really do want to work with you. Are you interested?” I smiled lightly and looked him up on Instagram, which thankfully he had. I screenshotted the page and sent it to him. “Is this you?” I asked, looking at the handsome man in the photos. I scrolled through them and smiled. He had thick curly hair that was almost always pulled back into a bun and dark tanned skin. He was ethnically ambiguous and if he hadn’t put that he was mixed (half black and half white), I wouldn’t know what race he was. A small smattering of freckles went across his cheeks and nose. He smiled lightly in almost every photo. When the sun hit his eyes, the color was a beautiful golden brown. “Yeah, that’s me. Are you interested in doing a photoshoot with me?” He asked and I smiled lightly. I nodded to myself and smiled lightly. “Yes, I am very interested in doing a photoshoot with you.” Ideas were already running through my head with what I could do. “What’s your hourly rate?” He asked and I didn’t know how to respond to that. I never worked for an hourly rate before. I just got whatever people could pay. They weren’t as rich as what my photos told and I know my photos made it seem that way. “I don’t really have one, to be honest. People just tend to pay me whatever they can pay me.” My hands shook as I looked at the texts coming through to my phone. “I’ll pay you around fifty for the first hour and then one hundred for every hour after that. How does that sound?” He asked and I smiled lightly. “Of course. What day and time do you want to meet?” I asked as I looked at the phone in front of me. “How about this Saturday at noon?” He asked and I went to check my calendar, a Guns N’ Roses one that featured photos of them from their glam era. I was definitely free and I would be for awhile. “Yep, I am free this Saturday. We’ll meet at Elementary Park. The lighting is really good down there.” “Sounds amazing. I’ll see you then.” The texts stopped and I smiled to myself. I had a high paying job for once. I mean, meals were amazing and all but money allowed me to purchase my own shit. Save it up and be able to love this life a bit more because it’s one more step towards freedom. One more step towards a life away from the person I called a mom. I really don’t even know why I called her my mom. She just raised me and she did a pretty shitty job at it. I was so detached from her and she never seemed to really care for me. She had her own kids that she never really cared for. The kids’ fathers actually had custody of the. She only saw them once a week. I never seemed to think that I was going to be all that cared for but I wanted a mother and a father figure. I blindly put that love into her but she never returned it. She always hit me and downed me. I moved and looked down at myself, heading over to the mirror in my room. I began doing my hair which was thick, brown and curly. It took a bit to actually do my hair. A lot of product went into my hair. Not as much as people with kinky hair but it still took a bit. I washed and dried my hair with shampoo, doing a hot oil treatment afterwords. It was similar to the man who asked me for pictures today. I slowly brushed my hair and looked at myself. The same smattering of freckles went across my cheeks and nose that was the same as the man. We shared the same green eyes and I looked at the photos again. We did look similar but I chalked it up to that we were both mixed. At least, one of us was mixed. I didn’t know what race I was. I finished my hair and twisted it out before heading into the shower. I brushed across some tattoos and a few scars on my body. Some I didn’t want to go away. They were more like battle scars than anything. Bits and pieces of my life that I never wanted to forget. The ones from abuse and the ones from a bit of violence against me. Some from surgeries that I had. It was like a story of what happened to me. What was once a terrible story happened to turn into a lovely story. A story I wanted to tell with other people. Ones I had already shared through my ‘I Am Human’ series with my photography.   I kind of told it because I wanted people to be able to tell their stories. Or tell the stories of the ones who’s voices who were not heard. It was either because of abuse or that they weren’t out of the closet yet. My heart actually broke for those who had to hide who they were. It made me want to do more for them. To help them out but I really couldn’t. I had no money to really help them at all. I vowed to help them out as soon as I got money. They were always getting hurt and there were terrible stories coming out every day. I saw the photos of people after getting their faces bashed in. It really broke me down to the bone. But no one seemed to care about my community. No one seemed to want to help the gay community out. All these people cared about was taking selfies and getting boob jobs to care for the community that was fighting for their rights and lives almost every day since Stonewall. All we really wanted was to live in equality.   I felt like I had to be strong for these people and weak all at the same time. I wanted to show them that I was also a bit in between. Not all the way strong and not all the way weak. Just neutral. I wanted them to be proud of who they were just like me. That I was human to all of those bigoted people out there. I wanted to show that I was a bit of a freak and weirdo sometimes. That it was okay sometimes to call yourself a weirdo and a freak. I was different and weirdly unique. I loved who I was and who I loved. I wanted to be able to love who I pleased because I was just like another human being out there. I had faith in the fact that people would see my work and take faith in the fact that there was someone out there showing their story. That the story I was telling was a lot better than fearing the other side. We could just open our minds and we could see this world as beautiful and wonderful. There had to be some truth into both sides of the argument. I allowed people to tell their story and then judge them. That we had to open out minds and hearts before we could even judge people. Before I said anything I wondered how it would hurt the person if I ever said anything. My silence could not be bought and that’s why I started this project. Nor did I want to shout this from the rooftops. I didn’t want to take anything away from the project. My project was lowkey both and that was okay with me. The whole project had to speak for itself. It made me feel so good to be telling this story. I got out of the shower and smiled lightly as I moved into my room. The room as a bit messy but it wasn’t to the point where I needed to actually clean it. It made me feel a bit bad for not doing it earlier. My mom actually kept saying that I needed to clean it before she beat my ass but I kept pushing that boundary further and further. I wanted to know how far I could push this test before I actually got my ass beat. I stepped over some clothes and picked up a pair of boxers. I set it next to me as I dried my hair with a shirt. I put my phone on my nightstand and put it on its charger. It was getting pretty late and I needed to be at school early for a photography project. I pulled on my boxers and smiled, laying down in bed. ~ As soon as I woke up the next morning, I took the bread out of my nightstand. I snuck downstairs and grabbed some food. I grabbed some of the extra tomato soup. I smiled lightly and headed out. My mom was passed out on the couch. She cuddled into her boyfriend. He was watching some late night television. I don’t think he heard me. Though he seemed to move a bit when I saw him. I smiled as I watched a bit of the show he was watching. It seemed to be one of those super dramatic police shows. I smiled and looked at him. He didn’t seem to see me either. Which was a good thing. He probably would have beat me for being up this early. Say I was disturbing his peace or whatever. He could’ve easily noticed me. He wasn’t making any attempt to actually notice me. I backed out of the room and smiled, heading outside. I mounted my bike, an old motorcycle that my dad fixed up. He left it to me in his will for me. It was said that he fixed it up for me. He wanted his kid to have a ‘sick ass ride’ to get on their sixteenth birthday. I wasn’t really that mad about it. I loved this piece of my dad. It was the one of the only things I had left of him. I had this motorcycle and the entirety of his closet, which I tended to where on the daily. I loved the slightly baggy clothes and the eighties vibe it gave off. Even some of his more recent clothing, the shirts and pants he had gotten for his ‘business trip’ before he died, were very lowkey and comfy. Mom wanted it to be throw away. She hated being reminded of my dad. She said that she wanted to move on with her life. Mom didn’t care that I wore his clothes. She was just aggravated that I was still using the motorcycle. I knew it was a ‘death trap’ and she reminded me of that every chance she got. I walked down the lone hallway, not a single human being in sight. I mean, there would be another human soon. The janitor waiting to opening the art studio door for me. But when I stopped at the door, she wasn’t there yet. I waited for a few minutes before she came, hobbling down the hallway unhappily. She didn’t even have a hint of a smile on her face. I smiled awkwardly as she fumbled with the keys. Once she finally got ahold of the right key, she opened the door, letting me. I walked into the studio and smiled lightly. My teacher had actually left the keys for me. He wanted me to get this project done. There were a few paint splatters on the wooden tables. I smiled lightly as I brushed against them, dragging my fingertips across the tables lightly. The air was a bit cold as the heat hadn’t kicked in just yet. Teachers won’t even be here for another hour. I walked to the teacher’s dead at the front of the room. I sat down and pulled out the middle drawer. The keys to the darkroom sat in the middle of the room. I smiled and looked down lightly as I took the keys. I stepped across the room and opened the darkroom up. This was where I lived and spent most of my time. Lunch and most days after school were spent here. I sometimes spent early mornings and weekends here. But that was only if the school allowed me here. That was very rare and I tended not to get access. So each chance I got to get in here early was a gift. My teacher tended to back me up on these early morning trips. Everyone knew most of my works decorated the halls and that I was supposed to be on my way to the best school in the United States for art, the California Institute of the Arts. Which I was ecstatic to actually try and get in. Which is why I was here so early. I had to finish up my portfolio before the deadline to apply.

I keep meaning to make a life update post for old friends here, but I wanted to wait until it was all good news instead of mixed, but I’m just gonna accept that won’t happen and update people anyway!

tl;dr I’m graduating with a master’s in computer science soon, job hunting sucks, theses suck don’t do grad school, I play a disgusting amount of Overwatch, and my cat is still super fluffy and great

Still together with Austin, and maybe going to visit him after I graduate. ouo  He’s a constant good presence in my life, and it’s really made me realize what healthy relationships are like lmao. Hindsight is 20/20. But yee he humors all my OT3 plotting and I get to listen to him geek out about musicals recently, it’s very cute. C:

I also have a great set of local friends here, although now I’m worried what’ll happen when I move away for a job. And one of them has been studying abroad this semester so I’ve barely seen her. But they’re all A+ people and we like to play board games and I’ve even dabbled in DnD with them.

We had a stray cat in the house for a few months last semester/into winter, but we finally found a foster group willing to take him in and look for a home even though he had FIV and is kinda old. He was definitely going to die if we hadn’t taken him in, even continued vet care and being indoors only couldn’t really cure his upper respiratory infection. My friend/housemate Michelle was pretty sad to see him go, he was kinda hers even though she knew she couldn’t realistically keep a cat right now. ;o;

I waste a lot of time playing games. Overwatch is my coping mechanism for depression, I hit level 600+ recently it’s pretty pathetic. I do some comp in mid plat, and I’ve actually made a nice set of friends to play with as well. One who happens to go to this same school (I guess we started playing together through friends of friends, but those middle links don’t play anymore) and some elsewhere. So I’m actually on Discord a lot for game reasons! And GrayEmbers#1544, happy to play with friends.

Ooh, I also bought Oxygen Not Included (and convinced Austin to) the other week, which is Klei’s new game - the company that did Don’t Starve. It’s in super early alpha so tons of bugs, but I’m excited to see it grow just like I did with Don’t Starve. So much future content, and I already like it as it is.

I’m trying to shift some of my time-wasting activities to drawing and writing instead of Overwatch. Especially when I find I’m just playing and not having fun. Drew a few things recently, and have had Ryker/Veronica/Christine AU fic in the works since February (and post shit regularly on the side blog), and I’ve really been enjoying renewed character activity with Austin’s newer courier and a friend of Silt’s! Nyl/Red Lucy is the real OTP. Also, I’ve almost convinced two irl friends to play FNV, they’re probly sick of hearing me talk about it lmfao. It’ll always have a special place in my heart.

School happens. Somehow I’m going to be allowed to graduate in a few months without contributing anything useful to the world. I feel like the only thing I really learned in grad school was how academia works, so as far as Computer Science goes, I wouldn’t recommend it unless your endgoal is research or academia. Don’t get me wrong, I took some neat classes and read some really cool research, but I’d already learned most of my hard skills from undergrad so. shrugs. My research I’m being paid to do this academic year involves taking technology into hiking or outdoor settings, and I’m focusing especially on the cultural aspects of it. For example, people react very differently to a person reading a book in nature versus looking at a phone screen in nature when in reality that person could be reading an e-book, they have no idea.

Things are kind of rough again mental health wise, but I dug this hole myself by procrastinating on my thesis which I now have to write in 1.5 months, so. I want to die a lot of the time but I don’t think that’s gonna happen. But if anyone is up for ramming me with their car going 60, hmu literally.

Jobs will probably happen?? I don’t have anything lined up yet and my interests pull me in like 10 directions, but I’m looking pretty seriously into UX design stuff and possibly contracting work in tech. Dream job is still to work with virtual reality and/or gesture interfaces, but that didn’t happen in grad school (partially my own fault partially shitty circumstances) so I don’t know if I have the right qualifications.

Can’t wait to move somewhere and have a job with set hours and get more pets and build a new computer because I can.  ;~;  (No idea where yet, I just know I don’t want to go any farther south because summer is the worst.)

My older brother is getting married in November, which’ll be my third wedding of the year lol. And my Dad and stepmom moved back to the states from China! They’re in Baltimore, I’ve gone to see them once already and probably will again on the tail end of a friend’s wedding. Their dog is super cute holy shit.

Okay now that I’ve lost 90% of readers, I also lowkey wanted to mention I had top surgery over winter break, which you might be able to tell from the two selfies above. If you happen to know me irl but hadn’t heard yet, please keep it to yourself. I still identify as female and use female pronouns, but I’m absolutely loving my new chest and so happy that I saved up for it. ;u; If you’re a mutual and wanna ask particulars or about the process or anything, feel free to message me privately.

Actually, I’ve been meaning to start exercising or something because there’s actually a chance now I can completely like my body shape lmfao. Stress eating is too real though

DAY 1 - YOUR FAVORITE PICTURE OF YOURSELF AND AN INTERESTING FACT FOR EVERY YEAR YOU’VE BEEN ALIVE. (one of my favorites up there) I don’t remember too much of my childhood, it wasn’t that interesting, and my parents have barely told me anything about it (let alone specific years) so the first couple one of these might be hard. 1. ?? 2. ?? 3. Either I was two or three. My mom entered me into a couple beauty pageants. Not like Toddlers and Tiaras though, no crazy fake tanning and eyelashes and make-up (overdone, at least). I won three of them (gold, silver, and bronze trophies). I think I did four before she decided to take me out of them. I have no memory of them. 4. ?? 5. Either when I was five or six, my parents divorced. My dad was a functioning alcoholic, my mom, a druggie, so my dad got custody of me. I’d still occasionally see my mom on weekends at my grandparents’ but we barely spent any time together. 6. I failed kindergarten due to having trouble adjusting and had to redo it. I would cry when given work. :u And I remember that one of the only times I ever tried to cheat was on a spelling test durinf that year (ironically, I’m a great speller). Also my only time stealing… I somehow got away with putting a bunch of toy cars in my backpack. I also met the guy that would be known as my “best friend” (we weren’t all that close in actuality) and who would constantly be mistaken for my boyfriend throughout middle school and high school during my second year of kindergarten. 7. Met my childhood girl “best friend" during this time. I’d draw on my desk and I wasn’t a completely perfect ststudent. 8. I used to lick my hands when they were dry. One of my many weird old habits. I remember specifically a teacher telling me that year not to. Oh, and the older of my two half-sisters was born. 9. The year my dad married my then-stepmom. 10. Fourth grade… People would ask me for food all the time because I always had a packed lunch. I’d get mad and slap them if they wouldn’t take no for an answer the first time. Then I’d cry (genuinely cry) when my teacher would confront me over it. 11. I can’t remember but this might have been the year I joined Club Penguin? And I took a reading level test that year and got “college level” or whatever it said. 12. I made an online friend group during this time from CP. We continued to be friends for years after that and my times with them was one of the biggest parts of my childhood/youth. Not to mention I met the guy who would later be my ex on there. It was either this year or the next when my dad got divorced again. 13. One of my online acquaintances (she was more of a mutual friend) used to send me urbandictionary definitions of sexual terms. :u And I found out what a blowjob was from an iScribble board challenging people to draw one. This was also the year that I got the randomest crush on my guy “best friend” and I ended my friendship with my girl “best friend” over text. Wasn’t sad. Didn’t miss her. Had little reason to do it but I did. 14. Basically spent this whole year harboring an unrequited crush (that he knew about). And I had these neighbors who were the closest thing to a real family that I’d ever had. 15. Crush ended. My first relationship started with the guy who was a mutual friend of one of the people I met years ago on CP. Technically it was his idea, not mine. I had never considered a long distance relationship but it never happened. This would be the first time in my life that I ever felt close to anyone and my first time feeling love in any way (whether platonic, familial, or romantic). 16. Relationship became more on-and-off. He dated someone else for a year yet would still flirt with me and act possessive and jealous if anyone liked me. He’d go between acting almost as if I was his soulmate/best friend and getting angry at me, telling me he didn’t care about me, etc. I think during this time, I also lost one of the three (not counting me) members of my online (plus one friend from real life) friend group. I wasn’t sad at all at the time but it bothered me a year or two later. 17. Lost another one of my friends. This one was one I went to school with and had been friends with for a year. So that left me with only one of my original friends from CP (though the one I lost this year I met during school but he was part of the group? I know, confusing). Again, wasn’t sad at the time. Took a year or two to start being bothered by it. 18. Was back together with my ex from June to October 2015. He hardly seemed to give a damn about me at times and was already eyeing two different girls (one even being one of my friends). So our relationship ended for the final time. I spent months afterwards slowly realising how emotionally abusive he was (had similar realisations about my family) and I found out eventually that he had cheated on me from the start. And I started crushing on someone. 19. Crush liked someone else, she didn’t like him. And I still don’t know how he felt about me (both platonically and romantically). So neither of us got what we wanted. We don’t talk currently. Not because of anything dramatic, we just don’t. I started sneaking out for the first time while my mom would work night shift. I’d go driving around with a friend playing Pokémon Go. Sometimes we’d walk around town at night, too. And my first kiss happened… :u