looking back on all my y7 comics is so funny but now im compelled to organize them 'chronologically' and see what that looks like

Romance tropes are good and all, but you know what relationship trope is real juicy? Mentor/student. Now before you roll your eyes and brush me off, I’m not talking about the run-of-the-mill Ben Kanobi and Luke Skywalker mentor/student relationship where a wise old man teaches a curious youngster a skill set that makes them priceless. While the student might be frustrated with or appreciative to the mentor, the emotional connection there is pretty shallow. When the mentor dies we shrug it off, the student cries a little bit, everyone forgets them and there’s next to no emotional impact.

No, I’m talking about the relationship between a rebellious, rude teenager deemed worthless by society. Im talking about a straight rod, middle aged mentor with a religious zeal for honor and who has probably never broken a single rule in their life (Bonus points if they had a legalistic, obedience centered job such as a police officer or military veteran). Hear me out here.

Student is a messed up, broken kid either lacking authority or with crappy parental figures that don’t care about them. They’re a rebel and a troublemaker by choice and whether they’re proud of it or not they’re not going to change any time soon. Finally society gets to a point where they’re not going to tolerate student’s crap any longer and are ready to make an example out of them. That’s where mentor comes in. The clean-cut mentor sees the world as a system of values where everything is either right or wrong and there are no gray areas. They are not only the most respected person in society but one of the most adored. In other words, they are the exact opposite of student. When student faces harsh charges for their actions, mentor takes pity on them, resolving that if only someone had taught the teenager the difference between right and wrong they would be a loyal, upstanding citizen. Suddenly mentor is enlightened. What if THEY were the one to take student under their wing and change the course of their life? What a noble cause! Confident in their ability as a teacher, mentor offers to take student under their care and make it their personal responsibility to indoctrinate them. Student is reluctant to accept this because it means losing all of their previous freedom to an unsuspecting, ignorant mentor, but they have no choice. Student knows one thing for sure though. Mentor is going to regret this decision every moment they’re together.

Fast forward and nothing is going according mentor’s plan at all. Student is going out of their way to cause trouble and be disrespectful, and when mentor tries to teach them anything they blatantly ignore them, making it very clear that they don’t care. Mentor slowly begins to realize that they don’t know the first thing about raising children and have never once in their whole life felt so discouraged and clueless. The pressure builds up, until finally after a yelling argument with the kid the mentor breaks and tells them they wish they had never tried to help the student in in the first place. However, what hurts mentor the most is student’s response. “Figures. Nobody’s ever wanted me. I wouldn’t expect you to either.” The matter-of-fact apathy in student’s demeanor kills the mentor. They excuse themselves.

This confirms to student that they aren’t wanted and though they’re not surprised or even disappointed, for some reason their heart feels heavy and they decide to make things easy on the mentor. Later on that night, mentor is summoned. Student had gone behind their back and committed a heinous crime. To the rest of the community the solution is clear. They pat the mentor on the back and assure them that they did everything they could, that just by trying to redeem the lost soul they had proven to be one of the most heroic members of society. However, student has proven themselves impossible to correct and therefore must be dealt with rashly (e.g. they could be hanged for their crimes, sent to a juvenile prison, an asylum, a slave in the coal mines, just whatever works best for the fictional universe they’re in). What it all boils down to is that mentor doesn’t just have the right to bring the student to justice, but they should. It’s not just the fair choice, but it’s the wise, honorable, right choice. It’s the perfect situation for them. Give up the student that’s caused them nothing but pain and be hailed a hero.

They can’t do it. For the first time in their life, mentor is tempted to go against their better judgement, their honor and the wise counsel of their peers and make an emotional decision. Student was wrong when they said that nobody wanted them. Mentor wants them, though they can’t quite explain why.

Mentor is told they’re making a mistake, that their choice is foolish, that they’re just prolonging students overdue judgement, but they don’t care. They have made their decision. Mentor will recompense for student’s actions and though it will cost them both their honor and their physical possessions, they will take student back as their own and won’t give up trying to get through to them. Student is in shock. They had never dreamed that someone would sacrifice so much for a person who didn’t deserve it- specifically them. For the first time in their life they felt wanted. Protected. Heck, even loved.

Student doesn’t change over night, but they’re clearly more respectful towards mentor, more enamored by them and more receptive of their teaching. They no longer see mentor as their slaveholder, but as their protector and friend. Mentor doesn’t go easy on them and student does not hesitate to complain about the workload, but they begin to work with a new zeal because now they have a motive to work. They want to make mentor proud. For the first time they realize they’re desperately starved for mentor’s approval, so they work hard , begin to copy their habits, even go out of their way to do things without being asked. They never talk about their feelings, but they want to be close to mentor. For the first time they know what it feels like to be loved, and they want to return that love in every way possible.

Mentor has no idea what possessed student to change, but nothing in the world could have made them happier. They begin to recognize the student’s longing for approval and it occurs to them how much they want to pay it forth. Mentor knows what it’s like to do great things and be praised for their deeds, but they have never been more proud of anything than the scruffy little public nuisance that lived in their house. Student wasn’t just their responsibility, they became their joy. They were proud enough to call them their son/daughter.

Of course student doesn’t become perfect overnight. Clearly they revert to what they know and cause trouble multiple other times. However, the disappointment master expresses to them when they’re caught is enough to make them realize that they’re former way of living is no longer appealing to them. They value their mentor’s opinion too much and nothing hurts more than their disapproval.

This is just a sample of a mentor student relationship that could work in a variety of different storylines. It doesn’t need to be the main focus of the story (i.e. if the theme is action and adventure, then the student and mentor might be forced to go on a dangerous expedition, or the student might grow up and leave the mentor, or either the student or mentor is taken and the other has to go save them, something like that). What’s great about this relationship trope is that it creates a solid base for an impactful story. It might explain where the student gets their ideals, why they’re so strongly committed to their mission, or why the mentor is willing to give up everything they hold true to in order to save one specific person. If done correctly, imagine how painful it would be to the readers if either the mentor or student had to sacrifice themselves for the other. Imagine the arguments. Imagine them crying because they’re sick with worry for the other one.

The thing that sets this relationship apart from the Obi Wan and Luke mentor/student trope is the focus is on the relationship and not either person’s abilities or personal value. Both the mentor and student have to give up aspects of themselves, but they end up with something they value much more. It’s what’s special about both characters. I believe the lack of this relational foundation in most movies and books is why viewers lack interest in the main character’s goal when they’re looking for someone they care about. If the relationship is the backbone of the character’s motives, then it needs to be the backbone of the audience’s reason to cheer the character on.

What sets this apart from romance tropes (other than romance tropes being ridiculously overused) is that this is a relationship trope almost everyone can relate to. Not everybody has fallen in love, but everyone has had an authority figure in their life and many have had authority over someone else. The audience can relate to the characters, and the relationship becomes more real to them. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with a romance trope when it’s DONE RIGHT, in my personal opinion, a well executed mentor/student trope tops all else. Or maybe I’m just a sucker for middle aged, honor-centered, FLAWED military veterans and rebel teen nuisances becoming each other’s everything. You can judge for yourself.

Need some advice. I've been stuck in my undergrad studies. I'm about to graduate but I don't like what I've been studying for the past 4+ years, I feel like I wasted a lot of time, and I don't know what to do with my life after graduation. What would any character from the wolfverse (maybe Tyler?) do?

What a good question! Here is what Tyler would do:

He kind of hates this thing he studied. But he majored in it so he must not really hate it, right? So he gets a job in it at somewhere soulless and corporate.

He hates it so much. Every day is a struggle. He's counting minutes until five, and there are always way more minutes than he can imagine living through. He starts leaving home so late in the mornings that he can barely squeak into work on time, and then he starts showing up five or ten or fifteen minutes late and can't bring himself to do better. He starts hoping that something goes horribly wrong like his apartment floods or he gets pneumonia or breaks a leg or something just so he doesn't have to go into work that day.

It pays well, though, and it's a job in his field. Lots of his friends don't have jobs at all yet. This is what life is when it's going well and he should be happy with it and if he's not happy it's because something is wrong with him. He just needs to try harder.

He starts going out every night to forget how shitty and worthless he is. Sometimes he gets drunk enough that he picks up guys, and then he hates himself for that because of course he is also in denial about being gay.

There's this one guy, Jamie, who's always at this one club on Fridays, and Tyler spends two weeks noticing him and then one night dancing with him and they go back to Jamie's place and Jamie fucks him and it's so good. Tyler lies in his arms afterward and is afraid to go to sleep because he doesn't know when he'll get to feel good like this again.

He and Jamie hook up a few more times but Tyler obviously isn't going to date him or anything. Even if he were gay, Jamie probably dates people who have their life together, who are really the happy successful type of person Tyler's pretending to be, who never go into the stairwell at work and just stand there for a few minutes trying not to cry.

One Saturday when Tyler’s really hungover he stumbles out for food and on the way back he walks by this animal shelter with puppies in the window. He's not sure he's allowed to go in, but the door is open and there are balloons, so he goes in and gets to sit on the floor with the puppies for two hours and it's the best he's felt in a long time.

He starts coming to the shelter every Saturday. They aren't usually having an open house, but they let him walk the dogs and clean the cages and even give the animals food and meds. Sometimes when he's at work he sits at his desk when he's supposed to be doing Important Corporate Things and imagines that he's back at the shelter with the dogs, just petting them and finally feeling okay.

He starts messing up at work. He's pretty decent at the stuff he does but it's hard to get himself to pay attention to it and sometimes he misses important things. His bosses call him into their office and tell him that he has to do better, and he wants to crawl under the table and die.

That Friday Tyler drinks an extra lot and Jamie is there but he seems unhappy with him somehow, and Tyler wants to figure out why but he's too drunk and then it seems like Jamie doesn't even want to dance with him and Tyler feels so sick and he goes off to the bathroom to throw up and cry a little maybe. Then Jamie is THERE and he sees Tyler throwing up and being a mess and now he's gonna hate him and why can't there be even one thing in Tyler's life he doesn't fuck up for himself??

Jamie brings Tyler home and doesn't even want to fuck him, even though Tyler tries. But he puts Tyler to bed and lies there with him and it's kind of nice to just be held by Jamie, really nice actually, and Tyler ends up crying more and telling him how much he hates his job and how he'll have to go to it again on Monday and it ruins the whole weekend, knowing that. And Jamie seems really worried and says some nice stuff and holds Tyler close and Tyler doesn't deserve it but he lets himself pretend for a while.

When Tyler wakes up Jamie is gone, but there's a text on his phone that says, this is jamie--tell me if ur ok! And Tyler's really excited to see it for about half a minute but also it's really embarrassing that Jamie needed to do that. Tyler doesn't remember what he said last night super well, but he knows it was really bad and he goes hot-cold with shame every time he thinks about it. lol yeah just a weird night, im totes good he texts back. Then he takes some Advil and goes to play with the puppies and decides he’s going to be less of a mess.

Part of being less of a mess is not going to that club anymore where Jamie saw him fall apart but Friday afternoon his bosses yell at him again. Then he has two drinks and is like, fuck it, so he goes and Jamie doesn't shove him away when Tyler tries to dance with him and then they make out in an Uber and fuck twice at Jamie's place. Then in the morning Tyler is going to leave, but Jamie asks what he's up to that day and Tyler tells him about the dog thing and Jamie's like, can I come?? So Tyler takes Jamie to see the dogs and Jamie's so happy and Tyler looks at him in the middle of the floor, surrounded by dogs, and he just hurts knowing he’s not gonna feel like this for a whole ‘nother week.

So he goes up to the nice lady in charge of dogs and asks her if he can volunteer more hours here, and she's like, yeah, we're actually hiring, if you want to apply. And he's like, haha, no, I'm soulless corporate thing, thanks, though. But then Jamie comes up to him and is like, what was that about? And Tyler tells him about the application, like it's totally a joke, but he also wants to cry a little and he’s not sure he hides it all that well. And Jamie's like, you have to apply. Haha, no, Tyler says, I have this degree in soulless corporate thing, remember? And the nice dog lady is like, oh, we don't care about that. You're great with the dogs; you should definitely apply. And Tyler fills out the application even though he feels like he can't breathe the whole time and he knows this isn't going to work and he’s just waiting for someone to come along and tell him he isn't allowed. But it’s nice to pretend.

That week he and Jamie text a little, nothing big, and Tyler tries not to think too much about the job application because obviously he isn't going to get it but then they call him in for an interview on Wednesday and they call him Thursday night to tell him HE GOT THE JOB. Tyler's so excited he texts Jamie right away and Jamie's thrilled and Tyler sort of accidentally invites him to dinner to celebrate the next night, and then he spends all Thursday night dreaming about puppies.

But then he goes in to work on Friday morning and remembers what his life is actually like, and what was he thinking, imagining he could quit? This job is the right choice, the one that has a future, and the dog job doesn't even pay a lot of money and he'd be wasting his degree and ruining his life and he wants to cry every time he thinks about it.

He goes through the whole morning like that and then it's their Friday afternoon meeting where Tyler presents his project and they're all like, what about the other half of the project? And he's like, what? And there are all these glances exchanged and Tyler starts shaking and fumbling his words and he leaves the meeting and just sits in his office, still shaking, and finally he's like, no. He gets up and goes into his boss's office and quits. Then he walks out while his boss is still staring at him and stands outside on the steps of their building and feels dizzy but also like the whole world just opened up. Like he's finally free.

He goes to dinner with Jamie and tells him he quit and Jamie is thrilled for him and Tyler has this giddy ridiculous bubbly feeling in his stomach that makes him laugh more than he has in a month. Then Jamie gets this hesitant look on his face and is like, is this a date? And Tyler's like, NO WHAT WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT WHY DO YOU WANT IT TO BE and is basically hyperventilating and Jamie takes his hand across the table and says shyly, well, I kind of wanted it to be a date and Tyler melts and dies and Jamie holds his hand for all of dinner even though they can't cut their food properly and after they go outside and Jamie kisses him in the street and Tyler's never been happier.

Then the next day he goes and does his formal paperwork with the animal shelter for his new job and he starts that afternoon and it's great. He doesn't love every minute of it but he loves 95% of the minutes, even the ones where he’s cleaning the cages. The only bad ones are when he has to deal with rude would-be dog adopters, and even that's okay because they go away and it's him and the dogs again. And every time someone's like, wow, you seem like you really like your job! He's all sheepish like, haha, I mean, yeah, but I got my degree in this other thing. And finally Jamie's like, why do you keep saying that? You know no one cares what you got your degree in. And Tyler's like, I don't know, isn't it weird that I don't work in that field? And Jamie's like, um, no, like everyone I know works in a field different from what they got their degree in. And Tyler's like WHAT WHY DID NO ONE EVER TELL ME THIS. And then he feels dumb but also really happy and he kisses Jamie and plays with puppies and is very happy forever and ever the end.

In sum:

Never do what Tyler Seguin would do

A lot of times employers care that you have a degree and not what it’s in

A lot of jobs aren’t even obviously jobs until you graduate and find out about them

There is often very little relation between our interests in academia and what we enjoy doing for a significant number of hours per week in the workforce

Pay attention to the things you actually enjoy on a day-to-day basis (do you like solitude? independent problem-solving? organizing other people? talking to crowds?) and talk to some people with jobs about the rhythm of their days and see what sounds appealing to you

A job doesn’t have to be a passion. Some people get lucky and end up feeling like their paid work is their driving force in life, but lots of us just have jobs that are enjoyable enough and end up finding the stuff that makes our life meaningful outside of work

Always ask Jamie Benn on a date

Good luck. Hope life looks less stressful on the other side of commencement. :D

tag muns you want to know better; repost - don’t reblog.

What inspired you to try/create that muse/s: well , if you’ve been with me long enough then you know that tooru started out as an AU ! o.ikawa t.ooru, where instead of attending s.eijou , he went to s.hiratorizawa ! to be honest , i kind of just wanted to try my hand at writing that kind of thing ? it was the very first time i had made a tumblr rp blog , so i had no idea that people rp different verses of the same character on one blog !! i originally rp’d on deviantart , and it was very commonplace to have different blogs for different verses ... i had over 70 rp blogs on there and most of them were literally the same 2 characters but in different AUs LMAO ... so imagine my surprise when i saw people rp’ing different AUs on one blog ... RP’ing multiple muses on one blog ... !! but i kinda just stayed with my iteration instead of playing canon ! kawa anyway , since i didn’t really see the point in starting over . as tooru developed more , though , i began to use him as a venting tool because this was a part of my life where i was really depressed . but as time grew on and i eventually made him into an OC , he became a much happier character . he really is my best friend ; he’s been there for me through it all , and even though he’s just fictional , i really owe him a lot for helping me out during rough times .

What is inspiration for that muse/s: well , currently , a lot of things ... lots of music , japanese culture + religion , and also my own experiences . in general , i have a p.interest board for him , so ... maybe you could say i draw inspiration from that , too ! i also rly enjoy the band MILI . their songs really fit tooru , like ‘ bathtub mermaid ’ . i’ve also been listening to hello , again and am planning on drawing something based on it for him ( + the song’s prequel , “ goodbye ” ) . i mainly tend to daydream while listening to songs , so ... yeah . as for characters who serve as inspiration for tooru ... well , i think that’s an artist meme , so i might just fill it in in lieu of answering this properly lol ... but two i can think of off the top of my head are leon from f.ire e.mblem e.choes and n.eferpitou from h.xh ! 

Thread/AU that made you really happy: B.NHA AU ... !! i’m hyperfixating sm on that one ... idk , a lot of planning and plotting goes into it , esp since a lot of my mutuals are in the fandom . in particular , i love love love the story i’ve created with @noquirk . i literally cannot envision a more perfect plot for tooru in this verse . heck , it’s literally my main go - to timeline when i draw / write for it . tooru is , quite literally , not very much in this AU without deck .

Something really special on your wishlist: sh ... more ships ... ships to draw and animate and make animatics to ... also i need to get my butt into gear and finish my JRPG AU group lol .

Something you are looking for in short future for your muse: blease tooru help me get thru the school year ... also i have some animatics in the back burner so i’m looking forward to getting those done !

Share something related to your muse!: his canon story , in parallel motion , deals with existentialism and alternate universes . ultimately , it’s a story that serves as a physical manifestation of my own struggle with depression , and while it’s sombre in tone , i want it to tell whoever’s reading it , “ you matter . ” it’s why tooru is placed into so many marginalized groups ; he’s fat and trans and biracial and bi and suffers from bpd + depression + anxiety but he’s a good person through it all ... his story is tragic because he’s not allowed to exist and will be forgotten when he dies , but his existence impacts so many other characters’ lives ... it’s a butterfly effect kind of thing . because you exist , you’ve made so many peoples’ lives better . and i understand it’s rough and i understand depression + sucky real life aspects try to convince you otherwise , but just ... think about it . there’s an alternate universe where , because you don’t exist , something huge was probably impacted . and even on a smaller , more intimate scale --- if you hadn’t existed in another life , then one of your friends might not be here . they might not be as happy as they are now , because you make them happy . life can be awful . but it’s wonderful and beautiful , too . that’s what i want tooru to be to others . someone to look up to and relate to , and someone who tells you , “ it’s okay ! ”

What do you think about character’s design/how do you came up with this: he’s ... kinda generic LOL mainly cause he’s based off of o.ikawa looks - wise due to his origin ... but part of his looks also derivate from an old ask blog muse i had :

i just really like that bangs - over - one - eye hairstyle ngl ... also i have no idea how / when his hair became maroon - brown since o.ikawa’s hair is chestnut brown , but ... yeah . also have no idea when he gained red eyes HDKJSFS,,,, i find fangs appealing on a character though , so that’s why he has fangs and does the :3c ... honestly i think i kinda just slapped together what i like in a design and put it on him , so even though he may look like an NPC ( lol ) , he’s still appealing in my eyes .

What your muse taught you: how to love being alive ... ( i’ve actually written an essay for a class about how he’s helped me through depression haha ... he means a lot to me , can you tell ? )

What is roleplay for you: all of you are awful and yet here i am anyway so really this says more about me than anything else .

Just say something nice about other mun!: @onfaith you are my ANGEL you mean sm to me and i wish u all the best with your studies  /  @tikkvn i love u sm cass ur an amazing person n a wonderful existence never forget that  /  @juuheart notay is my fave bleach chara also ur art is so cute  /  @wuvlite if i die all my money goes to u so u can keep drawing holy SHIZ ur art is #inspiration  /  @queznak ur very interesting and charismatic as a person  !!!  /  @uzvisen idk how to spell ur url this took me 3 tries but also ilysm  /  @conhnhaketon i also cant spell ur url but i hope ur doing well n ur eid was good , ik we’ve both been busy but i would live for u  /  @quirkthief ur one of my fave ppl i will forever tag u in shibes also i’ve supported u in u saying afo was hot even when he looked ugly n now i get to watch everyone who made fun of u writhe bc he is rly rly hot hahaha  /  @noquirk you’re so talented pls never stop what ur doing  /  @aerve you’re rly cool !!! 100% support u in everything u do ! >:0  /  @starbooms aries ur so creative ugh ... ur mind !!!!!! ik we don’t talk much but ur v fun  /  @bendsair i forget what other blogs ur on but chris ur the coolest #TalkRomania2Me  /  @creatied we don’t talk much either but ur graphics r so aesthetically appealing wowzers !!  /  @daimnas i’m wuv you amari !! also my french sucks but uhhh comment ca va ( i’m too lazy to find the accented ‘c’ dsfhi ) ??  /  @soarsun i’ve only known u for a few weeks but if anything happened to u i would kill everyone on this website n then myself  /  @quirkgifter nanners is the coolest n nana is the best grandma in town  /  @natsutodoroki im so jealous u got a canon url as ur rp url LMAO but also ur rly cool n fun even tho we dont talk too frequently !  /  @lechors​ LINNEA I WILL DIE FOR U RIGHT HERE RIGHT N---  /  @ YOU READING THIS BC I’M ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP : YOU’RE AWESOME AND GREAT !

Tagged by: stole it from @queznak Tagging: whomstever 

I saw Lego Batman yesterday and really loved it but also parts of it kinda got me melancholic so here’s me saying dumb things about myself as well as some movie spoilers so dont read more if you havent seen it yet and care

they did a good job with the character development / theme of batman being afraid of starting a new family bc he’s scared of losing them. and that hit me fairly hard. him eating alone, watching tv alone, working alone etc. i could relate.

and it just made me face my ever present version of his fear. batman’s afraid he’ll lose important ppl by them dying. which makes sense even more with him as batman than as a child bc his allies become a target, they go into battles where they arent guaranteed to come out alive. needless to say, the ppl around me aren’t anywhere near as likely to die out of the blue. but even if they were. thats not what im afraid of.

when someone dies it is generally not their fault. they dont mean to hurt you, it wasnt their choice or your choice and theres usually nothing you could have done to change it. but ppl can leave your life in other ways than dying. constantly, people choose to leave others behind. they mean to hurt you, someone is to blame, and there are things that could have been done to change it. when someone dies, yeah, it’s sad. but death is a necessary part of the universe, it has to happen to everyone and for myself its not exactly as if i’m all that opposed to dying anyways. point is, losing someone in any way is sad. but losing them when youve hurt each other. losing them even though theyre still alive and well somewhere you could just drive to. you could walk right up to them and see how happy they are without you, happier without you. 

i have my family downstairs. my parents and my sister. and i see them a few times a week, esp on weekends since i have nothing at all to do. and the way our family is, its unthinkable any member(s) could really abandon any other(s). even if i did come out of the closet to my parents, they wouldnt kick me out im sure. im sure theyd say theyre fine and encourage me or whatever. but id still know. id know they dont mean. id know i disappointed both of them. i know bc my dad has specifically told my sister and i “of course we’d be fine if either of you were gay... we’d just prefer it if you were straight, haha”. i know bc my mom has specifically shed be uncomfortable at a gay wedding, and when my sister and i tried to call her out on it, saying “that line of thought is just like ppl who used to be ‘uncomfortable’ with a white person and a black person getting married” and she scoffed and said it “wasn’t the same thing” and i insisted it was. you dont just forget that and move on. you dont just bring it up and have them say theyve changed or that they didnt mean it or anything like that bc how, how can you believe them? how can you trust them after that??? how could i be myself around them when in college my mom went through a list of the girls i knew trying to figure out if i was interested in any of them. who told me she wasnt worried about the possibility of me being gay bc she knew i had crushes on girls in elementary/middle school.  and you know what my sister’s pretty great. but now i have to be fucking wary of her bc she looked through my blog (before my name change, HENCE MY NAME CHANGE) without my permission but more specifically WHEN I TOLD HER NOT TO FOLLOW IT and then found on my art blog a self portrait of myself in more feminine clothing (hardly, even? a floral shirt. like. they make that for men! i saw them while working at sears! i would love to wear why more feminine shit than that, but man even just this one thing-) and asked if i was gender fluid. and you know what? i denied it bc maybe i am a little though id like to support the notion that clothing shouldnt be so gender biased BUT IF I WANT TO TELL YOU I AM GENDER FLUID or nonbinary or ANYTHIGN like that, i will TELL YOU IN PERSON. you are NOT to find out by SKULKING my BLOG.

i have a friend who lives p close and a friend who lives way far and i appreciate them so much i really do (though distance is always really tough for me). but im not... great... at being a friend. bc i grew up so ingrained with the knowledge that all friends always leave. and when that happens its going to hurt. and the number of days spent hurting after they leave will be much more the number of days spent smiling while they were there. mathematically, its no contest. friends arent worth having. and family? im scared. i cant be... who i am... with them here. and i cant leave them either. id have no one. bc theyre the only ones who cant leave me just like i cant leave them. we wont. and at the point where i am now its too late anyways. its not like i can suddenly learn to trust someone. to love someone or support them. im selfish and scared and i stayed holed up and im not going to just... change. i wont. ive known that. for a long time. 

anyways zach galifinakskys has a shitty normie voice and shouldnt have voiced the joker. like if hes going to voice the joker he can at least TRY to sound more eccentric, it is way too bizarre hearing that bland voice coming from that particular villain