i’m about to have a terrible night i just know it

crying in the club thinking about how charlie died at sea and percy couldn’t save him. one of your best friends die in proximity to the one thing that you are a part of, that your life force feeds off of, and despite all of that, he still dies in the place where he should have been the most protected. like not even the son of the sea god could protect against one of his best friends dying at sea. percy’s guilt is unfathomable

the thing is, we were never meant to sympathize with luke when he betrays percy. we aren’t meant to see his inner turmoil. we aren’t meant to see hesitancy, or regret. it’s meant to be a slap in the face. luke takes percy to the woods knowing full well what he’s about to do. in tlt kronos orders him to kill percy because he’s too volatile; kronos said so himself when percy hijacked luke’s dreams and began to figure out there were bigger things at play. the thing is, when kronos orders luke to kill percy, he doesn’t hesitate. that’s the point!!! it is essential that luke is so blinded by rage and vengeance for the gods that he will stop at nothing to get what he wants (the god’s destruction). percy accuses luke that kronos is using him, but he just retaliates that the gods do the same, and they do!!! but see, the thing is, luke’s whole point is that he’s so focused on the god’s injustices that he forgets what’s important. he goes for the “greater good” but he destroys his family, his life, in the process. by attempting to dismantle a system, he turns to another system that follows the same oppressive logic. THAT is why luke fails. THAT is why it’s so important he be blinded by rage, because it’s his inevitable, tragic end. he’s doomed by the narrative from the start. yes, we’re meant to be surprised by his betrayal because of how cold and calculating it is, but also it’s important to set the grounds for luke’s character to be this angry, vengeful boy because later on we come to understand why it is that he made those choices. we see annabeth’s side of things and percy’s side. we see luke’s side. we see many sides. we see a man who is too far gone yet comes to understand, in the end, that he’s been doing more harm than good to those he was supposed to protect (annabeth is the most obvious example). we get a complex character who won’t hesitate to kill but who also won’t hesitate to sacrifice himself so that he can save the family he has left.

the thing is, luke was supposed to be angrier in the show. percy was supposed to be angrier in the show. they’re both foils. luke is what percy could become, if percy lets his anger win. so, to change—even if it’s only slightly altering—their characters, is to change the point of the story. because luke tries to kill percy in his betrayal and later percy tries to kill luke but then percy starts to understand luke…until luke is gone and kronos is gone yet the gods don’t change but percy does. and percy’s initial anger is supposed to transform and he’s supposed to see what luke saw and the cycle continues. the thing is, it’s not even one of the worst changes the show made, yet it’s still so, so telling that they failed to see why it’s important to let your characters do bad things, to make mistakes, because that’s how a story can carry on. that’s how you give a story depth.

It’s funny because every awful thing Coriolanus does I’m not even shocked by; his character has been so well established as someone so driven and mistrusting that I can’t get mad I just sigh and go, ‘yeah, that’s what I thought you’d do you piece of shit.’

naturalness/unnaturalness in Lolina: Origins by R L Hughes

i could write a whole essay about this, but its almost finals, so this is what you're getting

Thinking about kianbecky/rockstar reunion

They suffer as much from ex lovers as much as keeperschampion. They didn’t get out together and I imagine they both harbor some guilty resentment over that. Kian made it to Hollywood and Becky made it on her own. They could have done it together, but didn’t. And now they have to live with all the years they lost.

And when they do meet again, it’s all electric. Kians still a rockstar, brighter than everything else in town, and beckys still goth, and the absolute coolest thing Galloway ever had. But once they get past the initial spark there’s a gap. They interrupt each other constantly their rhythm out of tune. Kian laughs different and beckys got new tattoos kian doesn’t know the meaning of. Catching each other up, feels phoney, like an insult to their closeness. Their like a thunder strike and lightning from miles away. Where you see the flash long before you hear the thunder.

Becky never got her goodbye, and their last memory together is tainted by what happens after. Kian doesn’t get to be the hero that saves the town, and he doesn’t get perfect final words. The wind whistles kians song but Becky isn’t around to hear it. She hasn’t been around for ten years.

I started the book Where the Crawdads Sing last night. I expected to maybe read a couple pages and then fall asleep (I was really tired) because a physical book has not kept my attention in a really long time. HOWEVER, my stupid ass ended up staying up until 3:30am to finish the book and I had to wake up at 7:30am 😩

It was absolutely wonderful. I loved her relationship with the marsh. Although heartbreaking, I loved her isolation and loneliness because the book really made you feeeel it. The poetry sprinkled in was emotional too. I cried several times through reading (but it was a good cry).

I just finished the movie tonight and I was NOT impressed.

1) maybe it needed to be done but I don’t like that everyone was aged up. Half the sweetness of the book was following as Kya grew up as a little girl and through the tender ages of preteen and teen

2) I know they wouldn’t have had time but there had to have been some way they could have shown a greater connection between Kya and the marsh. It was just so sorely missed in the movie

3) I didn’t fully dislike her relationship with Tate in the movie, but I didn’t appreciate it feeling as rushed as it was, the exchange of feathers and other tokens on the stump felt so cheap in the movie compared to the book

4) her loneliness, again, one of the painful but necessary parts of the book just never really came through for me. I remember in the book, I wasn’t even mad when she agreed to the picnic with Chase bc I was drenched in her loneliness, but the movie was just UGH. There was nothing! It felt like no time at all between her romance with Tate and then her choosing to go on the date with Chase

5) this might seem odd, but I didn’t like how clean and nice everything looked (her clothes, the shack etc) maybe I read things wrong but I pictured everything so much more dirty and worn and soiled in the book so I had a hard time matching what I was watching to what I was imagining while reading

6) I’m not necessarily mad at their choice to go straight to Kya being on trial at the beginning, it maybe works to pull some people in more as a movie, but as a personal choice I preferred the book having the first 1/2 to 2/3 being about her childhood and young adulthood before they ever catch up to the current storyline of her getting arrested

7) THEY DIDN’T INTEGRATE THE POETRY

my mom was just talking to a friend on the phone and she was complaining about how all zoomers either can’t hold conversations without them being stilted and shallow or they basically traumadump and talk too much about their emotions and im just…… she is a psychologist. specifically a college counsellor. almost all of the zoomers she talks to are. literally university students assigned to her to seek out long term therapy for trauma, stress, anxiety, depression, behavioral and social issues, etc……….

what does she…expect……… to hear…….????

For once the fact that I, aged 11 through 15, spent most of my free time locking myself in the bathroom to mouth along to songs while practising expressions in the mirror was actually useful

.

I kind of love how my therapist was like ya that living situation was Really Really Really bad for your mental and physical health, you may be mildly scarred from that it seems because holy shit from what you’ve said it was godawful for you in a polite way and said effectively that living situation was not great for you it seems, you can enjoy being out of it before you worry about the everything else

today was actually so awful i hate everything,,,,,,

[full image under cut …]

[day 3 : possession | goretober prompts by avianreptiles]

big fan of drawing weird gangly hands as practice. practice for what? oh, you know.

———————————— — – -

[id : a digital drawing of calamity the capefang, a wings of fire fantribe created by me. calamity is a wingless dragon with dark grey, almost black scales, with black eyelids, fingers, throat and shoulders. he has purplish teeth, eyes, and large ears that are pale purple in the inside. he has two sets of black horns, the front set being short and straight, while the back set is curved and long. he is looking up at the viewer, teeth bared, jaw clenched in pain as he clutches at his head. his eyes are bloodshot with blue veins, entirely blank save for pure white pinpricked pupils. one of their eyes is wide open, the other wincing with their brow furrowed. thick ultramarine blue blood drips from their eyes, leaking into their mouth, which is also leaking blue blood. ghostly pale purple claws dig into their neck, which is littered with more claw marks and stained with blood. the palm of his right hand is smeared with blood, coating the side of their face with it. the background is a stark blue color, with a bolt of white striking across the image, a burst of white spikes at the left side of their head indicating pain. end id]

Absent Moon is a really good album on its own but also it’s so great it put worms in my brain and gave me Dream Visions of:

1.) Unplayably janky Hylics rhythm game featuring the shittiest clay bird who gets tangled up in UI elements

2.) Dedusmuln and Somsnosa go to the park and attempt to play an arcade version of indie horror game Iron Lung