#and ive never felt more alone
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lord i need like. a therapist. lol
#nothing is Wrong wrong i just. its been so long since i was able to envision a future for myself#much longer one where im happy#i just start thinking ab the future and its like. nothing comes to mind#i think about moving out and it doesnt even seem worth it. id need to be with someone but i know no one#like i know sarah (hi if ur reading this) has offered but its like. would that really make a difference in my life#would that really give me hope. or happiness#u know shits bad when even the idea of moving doesnt make you happy anymore#but alas i will continue talking to people and going about my day to day life like i dont have this illness deep inside me#like this physically makes me sick so i try not to think about it too much#but every night. every night it comes back to this#and ive never felt more alone
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i will turn 20 in two months. what. the. fuck.
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i am returning from my preliminary touring-places-before-moving trip in portland today and. wow? hello? i feel brighter and more alive than i have in a very, very long time.
i took walks every day, blasted through a lot of my queue, spoke to both friends and strangers, ate regularly...
happiness is real and it's where i can see the mountains and the trees and the queers wherever i turn. i've never seen so many trans flags in one place- it's *still* kind of mind blowing?? so much sentiment of good community and kindness that's REAL.
and. did i mention the beautiful trees? the mountains? the world feels HUGE when there's actually something to see on the horizon..
so, so excited to be here soon. to be home soon.
i'll miss you, beautiful portland <3 :,0] till next time
#moo.txt#for some reason this went to drafts instead of posting so now i get to add more tags#i am. so so so excited to LIVE#everyone here is so nice. and when they're not nice it's very obviously not transphobia theyre just not nice#the air is crisp and clean and the rain is fresh and is sooo so lovely to walk in or sleep to#i love the wet and the adventure and the food#and ive not ONCE felt unsafe here. ive had walks alone nearly every single night. whowouldathunk a lotttt of the hubbabaloo i heard abt the#city rlly is just hubbabaloo from weird conservatives who r convinced cities r the reason why crime exists#aaoo#also the food here... ive never had poke and i had poke yesterday#holy fuck you can just get a big bowl of delicious salmon??? life really is beautiful
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realising something bad about someone that means the world to you should be illegal. id like to live blindly actually
#ive been tiptoeing around this realisation for a WHILE now but today was the first time i actually verbatim in my head#went 'i dont like living with my mum'. and the moment i thought it was like no nooononono lets NOT do that#like objectively my mum is my favourite person in the world and i love her more than every other person in my life combined#but LIVING with her in HER HOUSE is just not... it. and it makes me feel awful for even thinking it bc that's her biggest fear#that we're gonna grow up to have the same relationship that she had with her mum and that ISNT what's happening like i could never#be distant from my mum in fact the reason she has such a chokehold on me is BECAUSE there's so much love there#but it would still break her heart to know i felt this way and i just feel so shitty for it. but like? i CANT relax here#like the thing that made me think it this morning wasn't even an explosive thing like it usually is with her#like every shouting screaming argument we've had ive just taken it. but then this morning when nothing exceptional happened#i was just. done. so basically i told u guys she wanted me to hoover today and already yelled about it YESTERDAY which. whatever#and she goes out every thurdsay until lunchtime and i think ive said on here before that the days we're home alone are HUGE flashpoints#bc if she comes home and perceives that not enough chores have been done/one thing has been done wrong she just hits the ROOF#like her temper is entirely disproportional she gives the same energy for the washing up not being put away that another mum would#give for finding drugs in their kids room. ive truly never seen someone maintain a temper like that woman can it's actually impressive#so yeah she was gone this morning and it just always leaves me On Edge it's never a huge thing bc im not SCARED of her but im not relaxed#and i hoovered for an hour and washed up and then also dusted the stairs and did some other tiny irrelevant jobs#and my sister did fuck all. she pulled a sickie off work and stayed in bed while i fussed about what to do with the dogs and shit#and so when my mum came home ig i was expecting some sort of acknowledgement? like not a round of applause#bc obvs it's just chores and the hoovering she literally told me to do but when my sister had been SO unhelpful and it had been#SO on my mind for hours now i was just. waiting for something? and even i didnt know what so it's not even fair#but my mum came home and decided she was in a bad mood and she had a go at my sister for being lazy and not doing the chores she said#she'd do today and she DIDNT yell at me which she sometimes does just do if she's pissed at my sister. but she just got mardy with me?#like she got up and left to go watch TV in her room and i was like 'oh i can watch it with you?' bc sometimes when they row my mum#hints at me and her going somewhere else to bitch about my sister. but she just shook her head and snapped at me for some dumb shit#like TINY shit id missed and then wouldn't even spend time with me and i was just like. are you serious#and THAT was when i had the thought bc i was like there is actually no winning with her temper#and i can never fully relax around her because of it. even when we're getting on she is at any point seconds away from ripping my head off#and it's not nice being around someone like that ALL THE TIME. and i dont mind it when im at uni bc im at my own house in my own life#but when it's HER house and she makes it very clear that it's HER house and we need her and the car if we want to so much as LEAVE#then that's just not a fucking pleasant environment to be in? right? even if it is just me being a baby? ugh idk and i hate this
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vvvvent post
#I've been trying to keep my childish side with me for years#since i was a kid#because ive always valued that whimsy and imagination and kindness and openess#but lately it came to me that for years i mostlyI feel like my childhood is dead inside me#like its dead and i cant even step into memories anymore#and when i look back i realise i mostly never really felt like a real child. more like a person pretending to be a child#ive been forced to Get On With It since i was about 4#so maybe all that endurance has taken its toll...#i feel like maybe it could be revived if i did something really nice like go to disney land or find a care#giver#or something#be babied by friends or find something that makes me happy#tbh#and this is a bit serious#i dont really have things that make me happy#ive been feeling extra alone lately its probably very obvious#sorry for being patheticccccccc and weirddddddddd#anyway.
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#feel very umm#ive been home for a few hours just hanging out for easter#and my parents are arguing and like im glad i dont have to be around this anymore but#it still activates the little girl in me that hid in the corner of her room while she listened to them argue#i have such a vivid memory. they didnt know i was inside and my mom had just found out my dad cheated on her#i think i was like 5 and i heard the whole thing#they argued a lot at night too when they thought i was asleep#my parents are the kind of couple they definitely should have gotten a divorce <3 they did more damage to me not separating#fun fact theyre the root of all my relationship issues and fears!!!#whatever im so brave and tough and this isnt making me want to hide somewhere and cry like i did when i was little#trauma? is so funny cause like#logically this shouldnt bother me as much as it does#but just because i felt this exact feeling when i was a kid of course im still gonna feel it like i did then#and of course they started arguing the minute my sister left#when i was little they never argued when she was home#i was the youngest so i wasnt in school yet but she was.#so i had to hear it all alone#whatever im so tough#im gonna leave soon#tbd
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in theory i’ve built a nice little life for myself but in practice ive never been more miserable lmfao
#like i like my job and i made my apartment very homey and i love my cats but jesus christ ive never felt more alone and ostracized from the#people around me and it isn’t for lack of trying and at this point idk what to even do anymore!! what about me is so off putting!!!!!!#like. my own mother doesn’t want to spend time with me how the fuck am i supposed to make friends let alone find someone who wants#to be with me romantically i’m just so tired
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i used to breathe and i didnt know
i used to laugh and used to show
i used to spin in my tiptoes
i liked to read and i liked to blow
bubbles that would always glow
my mind keeps thinking things i dont know
it's like whispers on a show
i can't feel my toes
my lungs don't work anymore
my head is still full
of thoughts like "i cant take it anymore"
i dont wanna die at 18 but
it takes so much effort to live
maybe im just lazy and spoiled
or maybe this is where i choose what will i leave
getting old isnt for the weak
maybe thats why she had a hole on her cheek
it's depressing seeing the years pass
and worry until when will i last
im still in my teens
yet this doesn't mean anything
i should be grateful for what i have
but i still feel the weight on my chest
my tears don't come down
what am i supposed to feel right now?
the loneliness lives in me
and i wonder if i will be free
someday, maybe when i'm thirty-three
my mirror shows someone i can't see
and every time it looks at me
it feels like im gonna bleed
the thoughts on my mind cant seem to mean anything
but i get every little detail until i feel like spiraling
my face isn't mine
i feel so out of place
i cant feel comfort in things that shine
even though im full of glaze
getting old is so discomforting i could vomit my insides
and im so tired of staring at my phone all night
i guess staying at my room all the time
isn't the same feeling i had when i was five.
#ribs lorde#ive never felt more alone#feels so scary getting old#poetry#poems and quotes#poemsbyme#hell is a teenage girl#teenagers#girlhood
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what have I done
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look, liam , after getting home, would be a nightmare to take places. bryce, owen, whoever, would dread taking him to social functions, but not because of concern for him . no, its because he would NOT realize when certain terrible things are inappropriate to say to strangers. people would be joking about murder or smth which is actually not too ridiculous of a topic to joke about, and hed try to chime in with "yknow, i have actually tried to kill someone before, and it is NOT how anyone actually expects haha. way more surreal and upsetting that people think" and itd be an actual attempt to join in but whoever brought him would have to very quickly go HES JOKING. i promise hes joking. haha liams sooooo funny. it would only then occur to liam that oh, that WASNT a normal thing to say was it. and then theyd leave
#hfjone#look you dont spend over a year on the plane and then however long hes stuck in airys world alone#wo forgetting many social conventions. ESP liam 'autism haver expert' plecak#he already was bad at knowing when you Dont Say Things. this would only be worsened by 200%#like w bryce? ive always felt like hes actually. despite the autism. very good at navigating social settings bc hes practiced it sooo much#and while i think hed struggle after getting back home hes still pretty practiced in it and would be able to get back into it#WAY faster than liam. esp bc he NOTICES when he Fails So Bad at social stuff#where liam doesnt#(also mostly discussing liam n bryce bc tbh? amelia wouldnt be dissuaded from going to social stuff w liam#shes like bryce in that she is able to navigate things herself but im not sure if this applies to knowing when its others#idk id have to think abt it more! either way. amelia and liam in a social setting soon after him getting back would be a huge disaster#and i love them for it)#(ALSO if any of this is a little innaccurate i am sooo sorry. im gonna rewatch rly soon like maybe tonight but im thinking abt this#also bc i found a pic from a while ago that was gonna have this and tbh ill never finish the drawing. this is the closest ill get yknow#think of this as smth of a successor to the 'drowned' img LOL)
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why is putting the way you feel into words so difficult like why cant i just say i want to explode and die cuz life is not epic and have that be understood
#personal#maybe i could put it into words better but idk. im not feeling super bad rn rather i wish i meant something#i want someone to be obsessed with me or rather im sure its more like i want someone to love me truly without feeling as if there is a catch#ive never felt truly loved by another. not saying others havents or dont but ive never felt it#but its this dilemma where i think im better off alone since i know others will only view me as broken but i want to be wanted
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making valentines day plans ☺️ (thinking about what i could draw for this year's valentines themed m/etal gear posting)
#never alone because my one true love = video game .#ugh also sorry to the person who sent me a s/ilent hill ask billions of days ago if ur reading this im SO sorry i did get it n will reply#eventually ...#ive been quiet on here except for journal posting but hopefully will do a bit more actual fanart on here soon enough#no sketchbook posts either bc its either been too cold to go anywhere or i havent felt like it -_-#i actually started a s*limiller fic the other week but it might not ever surface#i keep abandoning fics ..#i haven't been reading enough i forget how to write if im not reading actual books regularly
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"hey do you want to hang out" i'm literally in love with you
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