#and it's really been fucking with me like i feel so guilty bc i know my parents feel terrible
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hello nobody asked but here are more unsolicited Newsies Uno ReVerse thoughts that I can NOT get out of my head
Crutchie is Jack’s brother, but he never expects him to go out selling with his disability
When Les and Davey meet Crutchie for the first time, Les tells Jack something borderline offensive like “Why didn’t you tell me youse had a little brother with a bum leg? Between my face and his leg, we coulda been making MILLIONS this whole time!”
Davey is appropriately embarrassed and apologizes profusely on his brother’s behalf
Davey is obsessed with Portland, Oregon (it’s his Santa Fe) somewhere he can get away from the heated claustrophobia of the city, lock himself away in a cabin and finally put down on paper the little stories he tells himself to get through the day
Jack volunteers to go to Brooklyn with Davey
Les is the one hauled away to the refuge after Seize The Day
David and Katherine are the ones who hit it off, and Jack is The Pining One (TM)
Post-Rally, the Something To Believe In scene starts off with Kath confronting Davey and i don’t have details but I do have this piece of dialogue:
“If you weren’t a girl, you’d find out exactly why they call me Mouth.” “I think your inability to shut up might have something to do with it.” “No, it’s because when I hear someone talking about something they have no idea about, I aim for the mouth. And I don’t miss.”
And then Kath kisses him and Davey’s like omg??? Do I…..??? Like girls??? (Bc living in a house full of boys there’s no WAY he doesn’t already know he’s gay (umbrella term))
This Affects Post Canon bc I said so. Fun Post Canon Stuff (it’s fun for ME. Probably not for yall. You’ll call it angst or something):
Jack catches a Davey and Katherine kiss when they win the strike and it kind of makes him Unwell
Davey gets a job writing for The World
Jack has a hard time adjusting going back to school, can’t focus, realizes he’s happiest when he’s with the newsies (and Davey)
He brings up to Medda the idea of dropping out to get a job. She agrees because she sees how unhappy he is and school really just isn’t I for him
Kath gets him a job as an artist at The World
This means he has to see Davey and Kath Together Every Day and it makes him even more Unwell (although he loves the art part of it!)
Davey notices this because he is Davey
Because he is Davey and is the smartest man in the room but also the biggest idiot on the planet, he completely misconstrues the reason Jack is Being Weird
So Davey invites Jack to hang out one on one, without Katherine and Jack accepts at first but it gets harder and harder and Davey is more engrained in his life than ever and he just can’t do it
So Jack stops interacting with Davey at work, blows him off outside of it, and generally starts distancing himself and Davey is totally clueless
Finally, he goes to Katherine and complains about it and the conversation goes something like this:
“I thought spending time alone with him, away from you—no offense—would make him feel better. You know, remind him that no matter what’s going on with you and me that he’s still my friend.”
“I think that’s part of the problem, Davey.”
“I mean yeah. Truth be told if he and I weren’t friends I doubt you and I would even be an issue. I think he’d just go for it.”
“…… What?”
“I think he’d ask you on a date outright, instead of feeling guilty about his feelings for you.”
“….. oh my god you fucking idiot.”
Don’t ask me how this is resolved because i have absolutely no idea :)
#david jacobs#jack kelly#katherine plumber#newsies#livesies#uksies#tutsies#truthfully I’m nit usually a bi!david girlie but it just FITS it FEELS CORRECT for this au and I’m ibsessed okay#honestly it’s bc tutsies Davey and Kath had so much chemistry it made me ship them
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slight rant/vent
Though I'm also posting on twt at @bluravenite in case you want to interact with me outside of hate anons
Yk there's probably hate anons going around all the time but it's been really apparent this past week that some people genuinely don't know to shut the fuck up... I have stopped posting with the same frequency as i was bc i am working on commissions and drawing takes time but i might just keep a more sort of closed parasocial relationship/ treat Tumblr more as a portfolio than as social media if that keeps happening... Sorry that i rant in here a lot but it's genuinely exhausting sometimes when most of your mutuals on this app are getting rude anons...
#it's genuinely worrying bc it really makes you question what kinda people have it against u/ur friends#like why cant you just leave some people alone#and it makes me feel guilty too for wanting to also protect/defend my friends?? you know nothing about these people#but thats never an excuse to be such an asshole to people#once talked with someone who had me blocked here and they told me they didn't remember why but “clearly my values didn't align with theirs”#that still hurts because my values have always been to make this page safe for everyone#posting my silly little doodles and hoping it means something to people#because right now?? THIS is the closest I'll ever get to my dreams#so it really sucks that the closest thing to being a concept artist and freelance illustrator is seeing my friends getting hate for nothing#i might actually close comissions for the public after this... 1 because i need higher prices for my work#and 2 because i am unfortunately scared that im never gonna be good enough#because people who draw cant catch a fucking break sometimes#sorry for the rant again#raven vents
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not my first reaction to this information as i learned it during the intermission of challengers (yes i finally went to see it) and i was having a lowkey breakdown through the intermission and the beginning of the second half a little bit but ummm: well of fucking course i literally dont deserve anything
#why did i even try this hard. i dont think i deserve anything tbh#dont mind me sounding dramatic im actually fine like lol#im sad but ok but also like. i got used to being a failure and a disappointment this last year so#i feel very tired now. it wasnt a bad day overall and im happy i decided against going alone today#bc i wouldve literally ended up crying in public if i was alone lmfao#ah. ahhhhh :/ i really really really was hoping for a better outcome#stupid girl as always#anyway i really am fine i just need to be dramatic for a moment. i truly do not deserve anything i get ever im sorry#if anyone read until this point and wondering what the fuck couldve happened that got me like this#well it's truly not that important in the grand scheme of things and im being stupid#got wait listed for another scholarship lmao </3#truly stupid and foolish of me to even think from the start that i could do this lmao#what's even more stupid is im still like well. well 🤠 hey maybe 🤗#i just know im going to be feeling extremely guilty for even existing even if i end up being able to go at this point lmao#and it's so stupid to even write all this. over something like this when people have real problems and stuff lmao#truly what did i think make me worthy of this chance im so not special and dont deserve this etc etc#all this negative self talk and i will still be sleeping like 😴😴😴 still hoping for the best dont worry#and that's because im stupid#🗒#i will drink tea this day has been lacking tea so critically :/
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Hey uh
anyone here on Art Fight this year or-
Cuz I'm on there, same name and everything. I'm on Team Vampires.
You can like, add me or whatever...I mean, if you want...
I haven't interacted with anyone on here or even really drawn in a couple months, sweet pulsating spider-christ ...
#I KNOW I KNOW I CAN JUST. DO THE THING. BUT I ALSO CAN'T. YKNOW????#I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY MIND HAS BEEN I DON'T#I'M STILL STRUGGLING WITH HEALTH Y'ALL#and sometimes instead of bouncing back and forth from feeling stable enough to do things and absolute dog shit i just-#-'welp i guess I'll just not do anything! that'll solve all of my problems! I'll get better if i don't do things and just rest and space out#-'WOW I CAN JUST BE ISOLATED AND PATHETIC IN MY ROOM ALL DAY COOL'#like...I EVEN GOT MY PAIN MEDS BACK! AND I QUALIFIED FOR A HIGHER DOSE WHICH IS A MIRACLE BC THIS IS FLORIDA!!#but like. idk.#and it's not like i don't care at all!!! I've missed you guys like fuck!!!! i just feel like I'm so far behind and everyone is on another-#-plane of existence at this point! and the longer it goes the more guilty i feel coming back bc i feel ashamed and lazy...#but i know you guys don't give a shit about at all. and I'm sorry for assuming and being so hard on myself#but also my fandoms are all over the place rn so uh. I'm so sorry LOL#but seriously anyone on art fight?? i really need to get back drawing but it's daunting...#especially since my guess 2 or 3 years were kickass by the last 2 literally no one but my wife interacted with me#one friendly fire from my partner. in two fights. after putting HOURS OF EFFORT THRU CHRONIC PAIN AND ILLNESS into all of those pieces...#i know I didn't draw a fuckton but i just got so discouraged and sad after awhile. and some never even got any attackee comments.#it all felt so damn pointless#but I'm nothing if not a survivor#as Zapp Brannigan once said; 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised'#I'm a hot fuckin mess but even if i barely get any interaction at all again i can at least say i didn't give up-#and put in effort and love like always. no half-assing with art fight unless it's just me and my wife or a friend doin stupid friendly fires#BUT ANYWAY I STILL WANNA FUCK SLASHERS. IF ANYTHING THERE'S STILL THAT. IT'S STILL ME.
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got through another church service :) (people wouldn't stop touching me without asking) (got guilt tripped abt not coming around anymore twice) (extremely aware i was being watched and judged the whole time) (everyone only seems to remember my brothers accomplishments) (they still fucking do gendered call and responses in 2023)
#but fuck it! i got through it#the guilt tripping doesnt work anymore anyway so i just kinda. roll w it#theyll be like 'wow its been such a Long Time... we miss you...' and then hit me with the boomer stare. jokes on you bc i just smile + nod#now were both staring at each other in silence and you made it awkward. who feels guilty now pamela#levi.txt#seriously tho im so fucking tense my shoulders hurt. i hate how everyone feels the right to fucking touch me at church so much#i KNOW you want to say hi and thats fine just PLEASE dont come up behind me and clap your hands on my shoulders#i will gladly shake your hand or whatever. you dont need to physically grab me we can be normal abt this i promise#unfortunately i have a really bad freeze response so i usually cant manage 'please dont do that' or 'stop' if startled#and the womens/mens call and responses? how are we still. doing that#idk i didnt expect them to be trans affirming all of a sudden or whatever ik theyre transphobic im just. ugh. bad surprise#and watching people try to 'subtly' look and see which lines im reading or why i sound Like That. it makes me feel like a zoo animal#i forget how much church is an anxiety trigger for me. fuck#glad its over. i only have to go on christmas eve and easter while im living at home and thats fair enough for me
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been having a meltdown the past few days i finally got back in the country but my bag didn't come with me and it contains four months worth of clothes but significantly more importantly every single christmas gift i've bought while abroad and lufthansa has been dicking me around for days. like why did you send my bag to a different state. why has it been there since 2:30pm yesterday. like i'm literally genuinely begging you we have to do christmas a day early bc of my brother's flight home and i have two dinky gifts i fit in my carry on one of which is a gag gift like fuck you guys for real i just want my bag!!!!!!!!!!!
#i've called baggage services 9 times today and talked to someone 4 and every time they say there's gonna be something#and i'm gonna get an email#and then i don't get an email#my bag needs to fly to my original destination but there were FIVE FLIGHTS THAT WAY today!!!! one of which i KNOW it could have fit on#and when i asked if i could get it onto that flight they said if i could i'll get an email#and then my airtag didn't move and i got no email#like what am i supposed to do#i have been looking forward to christmas all year it's my favorite holiday#and my brother's getting old enough that i'm always nervous the next one will be the last one we're all together as the four of us#and it's really been fucking with me like i feel so guilty bc i know my parents feel terrible#and i'm just radiating misery about this and it's bringing everyone a little down#but like i just want my bag!!! fuck!!!! i should have had it three days ago!!!!!!!! why is it so hard!!!!!#IT DIDN'T MOVE ONCE TODAY#first year where i have multiple gifts for everyone and got my shopping done early and they do this to me.
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Trying to make my brain do anything today has just been case after case of 'well, half-assed is better than nothing I guess.'
#text post#idk why i have such bad post-survey mental dips every time but I always do#literally last night before end of my shift was like okay brain. it's ok that we aren't working after this. this is fine.#there's another survey in two weeks (for ONCE they told us in advance) and in the in between other things I can do to keep making some mone#and I felt really confident abt that at that point! wish that confidence hadn't been so misplaced bc I did in fact spiral#was actually exhausted enough to just eat shower and sleep after work but the shower was just a big spiral w/crying and scrubbing lmao#whatever. did a mini vid in the new outfit i have for the side job and will do dishes tonight#plus I'll get my shot done bc that's a day late now too#prolific and cloud i got a bit done too and i'll keep checking those thru the night#i actually wanna play gta for a bit & try it with the controller but i feel guilty every time i so much as look at steam so. we'll see#i just need to do something else useful today bc tomorrow will be a full filming day most likely so. gotta make today useful too#I know it must sound like im not really trying to work with my brain on this but i shit u not#this is my brain when im actively employing coping skills and other things to try and counteract the 'work or die' mindset#i dont know how to make it any better and at this point I don't think I can#this was baked into me as a kid lmao bc even playing needed to have a point/story/some goal to achieve#or why the fuck was i playing with my barbies or metal toy cars or dinosaur and horse figurines to begin with#im rambling to put off doing the dishes ignore me lmao
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mission failed we’ll get em next time 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#i literally can’t quit omg i feel so fucking bad. it wasn’t so bad this time but also HE LITERALLY FORCED ME TO COME OUT LKKE GIRL HELLO????#he cornered me and asked me if redacted had to do w my s*duality and i was like ummmmm. yeah 🫣 and he was like now why didn’t you say that t#the first time 🤨 and i was like …………. 😳. AND THEN i asked him why he asked me that and he said he’s been waiting for the right moment to get#it out of me and he always suspected it LIKE HELLO I THINK THAT IS POSSIBLY WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE I WANTED TO DIEEEEEE#and i lied right to his face abt stuff w my mom and also the redacted situation bc i always feel in trouble whenever i talk abt them w him#and also he asked how things were w my mom and i told him and he was like that’s great but how are things with YOU and yoir mom 🤨. UGHHHHH#and i can’t leave bc his supervisor is gravely ill and they haven’t talked abt doing inter generational therapy w me yet which is what they#want to do <- hasn’t looked it up yet and doesn’t know what it receals about me. and he also is like yet agai. trying to get me to separate#myself from data expunged AND ITS LIKE OMGGGG NOTHING IS HAPPENING WHY DO I HAVE TO THROW AWAY A GOOD THING THAT IS WORKING FOR ME JUST FOR#THE SAKE OF CONFORMING TO SOME STUOID MENTAL HEALJT STANDARD. so yeah ummmmm idk what to dooooo i know im not getting the best possible care#and this whole thing has been a cluster fuck but he validated my reaction to something for the first time like EVER today and he has plans a#and what if they work. and like omg if i drop it on him he’ll be so hurt and surprised like it will really come out of nowhere and i don’t w#want to look like even more of a fool to him than iam. but he says i can’t withhold stuff bc it’s doing me a disservice and we need to see t#the fullness of who i am to get to the root and solve problems and stuff but it’s like uhmmmm… but you don’t make me feel safe for reacting#the way i do or wanting things to work out in a way you disagree with so how can i bring out all the parts of me if you don’t make me feel a#safe and unjudged for doing so like. lol. the thought of leaving him makes me feel so guilty and stupid bc it s like why are you throwing aw#away sliding scale therapy that could turn out to be really useful and running away when ppl tell you things abt yourself you don’t like to#admit and force you to look at your hard ugly truths. but also the thought of working w him until july after already having had 16 weeks of#this literaly makes me fucking insane so idk what to do and finding a new counselor would be so hard and i don’t have time or money. UGHHHH!#purrs#delete later#like how am i gonna walk out on him when we just spent all this time talking abt how this new technique will bring me into a new season. AUG
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i have so much life shit i need to complain about right now but everything just comes out as a garbled mess
#gonna make a divider here so ppl dont have to read my stupid tag rant if they dont want to--------------------------------------------------#(sorry i can never resist rambling in the tags)--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------#anyway my mom is coming up here for my birthday after i specifically told her to wait & let me get her a flight for mother's day weekend#& she's staying for two fucking weeks#& there's nothing i can do bc she already bought plane tickets#i mean. i was excited for her to come up. but this amount of time is going to drive me insane#bc i already feel guilty that im not going out & meeting people enough (or really at all) & that's gonna be impossible when she's here#bc i'll have to cater to her the entire time#and i know she's just doing this bc she assumes i'm gonna be alone on my birthday (& apparently not have plans for 2 weeks after!!!)#but i like being alone & doing stuff by myself!!!#and ive been feeling guilty abt that too bc i know it's just hurting my ability to make friends which i apparently so desperately need#like ive been trying so hard to find events bc i already feel so ashamed of myself but i have no desire to actually go#even tho i know i need to#i wish i was the kind of person who's good with people instead of being overwhelmed by everything#so i wouldnt have to deal with all this shame & people wouldn't feel like they have to take pity on me#gonna try to be positive about i guess. been having a hard time doing that lately.
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I feel like I need to add an indigenous language to my repertoire cos like english, spanish, portuguese, haitian creole, JJYHHHH like baby im attaining the most spoken languages in the americas but like obvi colonial languages are overrepresented imo....
#its just like idk when id ever use those languages#i mean bc i dont specialize in a specific region#like if i learned kichwa or guarani or nahuatl or dine bizaad or even like mi'kmaq#i feel like there'd be responsibility in that that feels heavy??#like it feels shallow bc in all honesty i have no reason to know them other than like#coursery knowledge which i am interested in but idk#it makes me sad to think the most spoken languages the most valued languages are not even languages from here really#like im feeling this intimacy learning creole? like its such a huge language but its smaller than many big knes#and it feels a bit different now#if i learn an even smaller language im just apprehensive about it bc ill feel guilty if i ever decide go walk away#learning a language that has a smaller community is just different like#and it kinda scares me#its not even that im disinterested#i just think maybe im not interested in the way those languages deserve??? if that makes sense??#i dont have the burning desire and need to learn most languages like i did my second language#my interest is usually cultural and my persistence shallow#i just like wandering through ig but idk if thats fair to languages that are vulnerable or endangered like#fucking first world tourist vibes#gross#idk this was more a thought i been having so#like it makes me guilty and ashamed and embarrassed no matter how i think about it
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Sometimes it’s very important to go to bed at 8pm
#my stuff#i know i’m very tired like i’ve been getting up at 6 for a week and having shit sleep and falling asleep at like 1am#so horrible to start#but finding out from the older grad students how little we’re making has destroyed me#i will be losing money for the next YEAR bc rent and car insurance is gonna take my whole monthly paycheck#no money for food without dipping into savings. i have enough and i’ll survive but FUCK#nothing for gifts for my family. nothing for doctor’s visits. nothing for HRT. nothing for a goddamn little treat once in a while#like yes i can pay for those things from savings but it’s not sustainable!!!!#this CANNOT CONTINUE#i want to CRY i was so excited to try and start HRT soon i can’t do that like this and i still owe my parents like 30k for undergrad and#and i’m tired#i’m tired of having to worry about money. i’m tired of getting paid so little#i’m tired of not being able to spend money on myself without feeling guilty at my balance going down#this really sucks i’m just gonna do a fuck it expense and blow $500 on looking cute for my birthday/halloween#cause what’s 1 more month of scraping by even worth in the grand scheme of things
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i really want to make gifs of fuuta's 2nd trial mv while it's still really new. idk if i should post them if ever though... <- has never posted any of my edits of any sort and gifs. even icons
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა milgram ໒꒱ *·˚#nah i only have like. access to canva for paid. and it's education and not even pro LMAO ty to school for providing canva education <3#yeah but i only really use canva and photopea and take a fucking long time doing anything related to editing#it's fun and a great way to pass time esp bcs i take a long time but for time efficiency... not really <//3#i'll do my homework first and then ya ^___^#i want photoshop but if you get me i don't want to YEAH. not only do i hate yeah i also don't like paying often#like ofc i do for what i need but i. barely spend my money (it helps knowing that idk how much money i even have)#idk maybe it sounds good like 'yo you don't waste money' but also it sucks idk how to handle money at all and stuff#i rmbr being so excited planning for getting ffxiv. laying out the costs and all. LMFAO ya i only really pay for xiv sub and that's it#cash shop i only have a few stuff bcs i've been there for old events and my friend (very generous. big brother guy) gifted us stuff#fuuta's voice is so good. man i keep getting distracted this went from editing to money and then ffxiv and then fuuta#UHM ANYWAYS...... anyways............. yeah i just do really simple edits. just literally changing the color and all#but you see i often like things most when it comes from me. or my friends. or if it is personalized#so i don't like taking random things! idk the process feels best when it comes from me but i also love stuff that have heart in it#and if it's yk. oh. this is for me. ig i'm just used to mostly having to do things for myself bcs i don't get it often from others </3#braindead. it is 1 pm. i will finish my homework (soon!)#i love all milgram characters. i was a bit yk to muu and kotoko but i think i understand kotoko better after studying fuuta more#and i get now ^^ it's a bit hypocritical to vote her innocent and fuuta guilty but at the same time it depends on what you value#and also did people really not expect her to. do that. hello. i saw that coming from a mile away but yeah you can't predict the future#so makes sense too! tbh im a fuuta innocent guy but i do believe guilty first trial is best but also wow the effects of guilty 1st trial#were yeah. but taste of his own medicine (real!) i just hope the others get that too. in time.#specifically muu and kotoko bcs though i love them they still iff me a bit (is that even a word)#tbh my feelings on milgram characters are complicated but i think i'm complicating it too ngl.#obsessed with mikoto though. his voice!!! his va slaying as always#tbh w kotoko it's mostly that i think she's getting ahead of herself. in a way. i think that's how to say it but i'm not sure#with muu. i think i get her but it's more of fuuta for me and i think that's why yeah? but i like muu she was one of the first that#caught my eye from b4 i watched the mvs and all!! i think it might be that she reminds me a tiny bit of myself#but in a way i'd rather not admit or something i don't like about myself that makes me like her less. curious#hi um i wrote a lot more tags but they stopped after 30 oops. i took screenshots tho <3 anyways this is a 20 minutes post BYE
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Love how one of my irl 'friends' thought I'd be devastated that she hadn't even looked at my messages in over 2 weeks and that she had so many messages. Like babes, i have 3 fan accounts, but whatever.
#I didn't say anything. she wanted to see how many unread messages i had and i think that spoke for itself lmao#but like??? i mean tbh i didn't even realise she never responded or looked at them. She's on the list of people i generic reply lol#bless her. she's recently really been trying to embarrass us in some way lately. or attempting to feel superior anyhow#first it was with the grades... i did better than her so she failed at that (not to mention she also cheated but whatever)#then it was the attempt at saying she had sex and kissed someone at a party and she was 'so drunk she couldn't remember ' ...#idk how she thought that was a flex but go off ig#now she's trying to claim she's way more popular and liked than me and that in a way we need her?#like ok.#erin tag#it's comments here and there that really make me think. ok. you're definitely not jealous of us huh?#and don't get me started. she's still trying to twist everything we say into making it seem like we have a crush on her but she doesn't#again go off ig. but we all know the truth. She's the one who follows me around and has to come find me#nobody else will talk to her at break lol#she'd try to make out that i don't have anyone to talk to but her. the difference is. in break i fucking hide from everyone#because they all get on my last nerve atp#I'm just tired?? i have enough issues as is without some immature person trying to jab at me anytime possible#and whilst she doesn't know about our DID. it is perfectly obvious she tries to take advantage of when a little is out#also. despite knowing when we're having an anxiety attack. she'll just purposely leave us and claim we're holding her back from socialising#one time we only agreed to go out with a group of friends bc she said she'd be there if we needed to leave for a break#when time came and we were very stressed and in physical pain too bc haha joints. she made us feel guilty for it?#also she forced us into staying with the group. saying she too had anxiety and leaving the group would make her feel awful.#manipulation at its finest#that's all she seems to be good at. and yk what. i give her the credit of being better at it than us. congrats babes.
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trying REALLY HARD not to be delusional
#jents#like i KNOW i need to trust him and he has no reason to cheat on me.#its just so hard when he drops everything he's doing with me to go see his ex who's still one of his best friends#and she's been away for college and he hasnt rlly talked to her or seen her in a while and she just got home so like. i get it.#and i know hes known her a LONG long time before he even met me. and they dated in like. middle school so like. whatever.#but last year he was still so hung up on her and before we dated he showed me the paragraphs upon paragraphs he wrote abt her#bc of how in love he was with her#and idk i know he loves me. and hes said he doesn't love her like that anymore. but its so fucking hard to not be jealous#i know jealousy is a terrible quality and i hate that im the psycho jealous gf and i dont wanna be overbearing#and i dont want him to know i feel this way#bc she is still one of his best friends. and they havent dated in many many many years. so i have no reason to be possessive#and he doesnt get worked up when i hang out with other men. which is nice bc my ex got worked up when i would fistbump other men.#so im really trying to be normal. its just so hard for me to trust#and im really really trying to be normal about it. its just so fucking hard and i feel terrible and guilty#it sucks bc i love her and shes so nice and fun. but damn i get so self conscious bc she matches his personality way more than i do#shes so bright and fun and loud and full of energy and im just not like that. but he's also bright and fun and loud and full of energy#theyre both so social and im not#ugh#i hate feeling this way why cant i just be normal
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ah heem heem......
#literally my boss called me into her office and was like 'if you have anything to say tell me now'#'if we start the investigation and find anything we have to fire you'#and i was like 'you know me. you know that i have never taken anything and never paid for it.'#ive taken stuff and paid for it later that day or the next day#but NEVER?? no#i love this stupid job why would i steal from it#and in her defense she did say that there was no bad blood and we were okay#but like that means that if she sees something weird its like 'nothing personal youre fired'#i literally know she WONT fiind anything weird. thats the point. i didnt do anything#but it makes me feel suspicious and that me saying i didnt do anything is an admission of uilt#guilt#aand the more upset and nervous i get the less believable i seem#which makes me MORE UPSET AND NERVOUS#and i told a coworker about it and they really were acting like i did it#like BITCH IVE KNOWN YOU FOR YEARS YOU THINK I DID IT???#have i stolen before?? did i used to steal all the time and just dont remember???#what if i took something once and was like 'yeah i'll pay for it later tonight' and forgot and now its gonna cost me my job#because heres the thing#that VERY WELL couldve happened#my adhd is a fucking bad i very well couldve done that#she picked the perfect time to accuse me of this to retaliate too#last month we lost a lot of money at our snack market#which indicates a lot of theft#and i live here so it'd be easy for me to do#that doesnt mean i did it tho#god this is so upsetting#and this is gonna be a no news is good news situation bc i dont imagine they'll call me in and be like#'we went over months of footage and you have been found NOT guilty! :D'#like no if they dont find anything they'll just never bring it up again#but like that means im gonna be waiting for the other shoe to drop for the rest of the time im working here
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the way i am going to need to be tranquilized and sedated to get through tomorrow. god fucking help me
#purrs#particularly from like 1:30-3:30 specifically. i do not know how i will be able to get work done. i do not know how i am going to be able to#not fucking die. i really feel like i am going to pass out. i can’t do this i really truly genuinely cannot#every time i remember. like just… there are implications of this i have not even THOUGHT OF yet. that haven’t even crossed my MIND that are#still so engrained in my life and way of thinkjng and being. and i don’t know ifim gonna make her uncomfortable or panicked or guilty by#sobbing my eyes out not to mention other people witnessing that but there is NO WAY im gonna be able to not sob hysterically. this is#legitimatelt one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me in my whole life which says something about how much pain i have#experienced as a human being and how ridiculous it is that im freaking out over this LOL. but ummmmmm. this is……. this is so bad. i think#everything after tomorrow will be very hard (because i’ll miss her terribly) but it’ll be okay because it’s like this is the reality and now#we have to just like move forward and yeah im gonna have breakdowns on here abt how i feel like we aren’t properly grieving it or whatever a#and how i want time to like cope with it and not keep movi ng at 38472974mph WHILEALSO trying to not convey panic. but it’s been this#excruciating mindfuck of a situation bc she’s still HERE. STILL USING THE ‘WE’ THE DAY BEFORE SHE LEAVES! LIKE WHAT IS GOING ONBNNN THE COGN#COGNITIVE FUCKING DISSONANCE OF IT ALL!!!!! and like seeing her and having her stuff still around and whatever is um. it’s bad. it’s really#making it hard for me to accept that this is happening. so tomorrow is it then and we will drag ourselves through it and i swear to god i#will be hysterically crying. maybe even as i walk in and see her there knowing it’s the last time. LOL. like how do i not…. omgggggggg 😍😍😍😍😍#this is so so so bad. why is this happening. not only is it embarrassing and humiliating but it’s like girl thisis an office this is work it#it’s really not that big a deal. BUT IT IS. TO US. TO ME. WHY IS SHE DOING THIS? i am about to punch the WALL. but nothing will help or make#it better until time passes or if she randomly decides not to do it. idk .i just can’t believe it. im so angry and sad and hurt and scared.#tomorrow will straight up kill me. it really actually seriously will. i don’t know how im gonna get through it. LOL#delete later
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