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thewarriorspecial · 6 months

Text

A long post on writing and languages and insecurities

I went ahead and started in the translation project because I’m excited for it but also I’m seeing a pattern developing in the poll and I like to deliver.

the amount of colloquial expressions that I use for tone and dialogue just…don’t translate. This will be my biggest hurdle. I’m far from fluent. I’m leaning on online translation tools to get the noun or verb I need and then conjugation charts to try to match the tense of the story.

if you’ve politely not mentioned that I cannot spell or conjugate in my mother tongue, thank you, but take solace that I know and I’m so much more aware of it now lol. I feel like I’m better at English by trying to learn other languages. Hm that’s a sad thing to type. Moving on.

I think I’m going to be brave and try to make friends with the French and Spanish speakers at the new job and maybe like talk to them to learn. My skills always degrade because I watch stuff or read but I don’t actually speak so it’s like there’s this enormous downed tree in my mind and I just don’t have the ability to jump it so instead of responding in the target language, my tongue goes all gooey and I just go ummmmm. But I’ll get there one day.

I read something once and I wish I could find it where the author was describing how their voice changes and they “feel” different as they spoke in different languages. I was fascinated by this concept and I feel like I’m seeing it as I translate some of the GLs dialogue in my fics.

Hal and Guy especially are so so much more cool and sexy in Spanish I have to say. I can’t quite explain the change in the tone but I am rewriting a little bit to accommodate my lack of slang and accents to characterize. As I was writing for Kyle, he feels less cool and authentic and it inspired some little WIPs where I have him talking about feeling like he doesn’t know himself or wishes he was more a part of his own heritage. So that was interesting. John always comes off as just slick and natural no matter what I do with him. In my head he just is unflinchingly honest and himself and he applies himself fully to everything he does. He’s passionate without all the show and pizazz of the others. But I also haven’t read him as much as I wish I had. I mostly know him from the Justice League animated show. I adored him and I hated Batman lol. I didn’t feel any love for Bats until Kevin Conroy, go figure. I had a subscription for the DC comics app for a bit and the nearest comic shop to me is over an hour away. I just don’t make it out often enough to read the way I wish i could. For all my love of Green Lantern and space operas and Star Trek and the Lensman series and all that I’m actually not that well read. I feel like less of a fanatic fan and more like a Tik Tokker on a parade float; waving at the real fans and tossing the occasional, unsolicited WIP that’s promising but never finished.

Is it the imposter syndrome getting to me or is it the glaringly weak characterization im delivering staring me in the face? Eh. I enjoy writing. My amateur yet passionately created half-works be upon y’all.

To quote my fave, good old Henry (Rollins): “My mind is like a ball of Teflon; coated in obsidian and impervious to the uptake of ka-nah-ledge.” I feel that in my soul, i really do. Henry and I read and forget so much because it keeps the brain demons busy.

And so the reading/writing hour bell tolls and it’s time to get out of bed for another shift. Off I go!

as always, thanks for reading

#My writing #navel gazing I suppose

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woozi · 2 years

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the main reason i liked cheers already was because of the lyrics 🥺 so so proud of them i've been waiting for them to release something like this, tbh the chorus where song goes in continuous "cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers" mode, the autotune got to me a little on there hdjdkd maybe if they tuned it down a little bit on that specific part, song would've been a complete 10 for me. it's 8/10 for me hdhdjd. there was this reaction i watched after few days of cheers release it made me appreciate it even more. i do get why this one isn't easy to like, on first listen i was also like 🧍🏾‍♀️ what. by 2nd, 3rd listen i was like yess this is my jam 😭 idk how that happened

speaking of song which are a grower,, im v v happy to inform you, i do like ash now 😋 idk what it was on face the sun medley video i listened to first few seconds and closed it dhdhdjbdjd and even while listening to the album i didn't pay much attention the one/two times i gave it listen. i only now listened to it with my undivided attention while i was listening to the repackage album dhhddjdk. it shocked me sm i was like "did they change something? " i was questioning the song arrangement 😭. anyway she's fire. maybe not my most favorite but definitely up there with shadow and march. something i will enjoy listening to.

yes shadow was the one which they choreographed/practiced in two days or something. i love it sm both song and choreo are banger they're so sexy for this. and noo i only watched ( will be watching hdjdkd ) through live streams, not irl dhjddk.

SAUR TRU you're so real for putting songs from don quixote till 'bout you on equal rank.!

i think after repackage it's circles > if you leave me. i love both equally but on listening regular basis circles is little uplifting in mood 🥺 while iylm makes me sad hdjdkdks it needs a certain vibe ykwim

also it's really fascinating how if you leave me and cheers are in same album. like these two songs came from same three people dhdhdj and same composer i love woozi sm. if you leave me having lyrics written leaderline makes it more emo for me 😭 lol

WHAT? they did don quixote during soundcheck?? i didn't see 🥺 i also don't remember much. i have zero memory of watching them perform don quixote 😭😭😭 maybe my memory is lying dhdjjd which one of ours is playing imposter 👁️

I DO!!!! woosung and woodz songs cater to my taste so much <3 also so happy to know the rose is back, it will be my first cb as their fan ( whenever they decide to do comeback that is, they're resting rn) i stanned them and everything went wrong for them 😭😭😭😭 ( half joking hdjdjs) felt so sad i was like new music when and 😭. the rose is the only band which serves songs according to my taste.

this reminds me i have to let you know bc last time i forgot, i am so obsessed with sunmi's heartburn song. the way she serves everytime. i am not even a fan (might as well be atp) i don't keep up with her releases but they somehow end up making their way to me and im like wow i like this song. same happened with you can't sit with us.

is your summer break still going on? hope you had fun and relaxing time :3 so happy to know you had good sleep during break! ive been having dreams which are breaking my sleep lmao so i just wake up at 3-4 am and just exist 🧍🏾‍♀️ i hope weather and month both are treating you kindly (even if it's summer 💔) it's monsoon here and everyday i am like "i hate monsoon send tweet" 😭 thank YOU for always hanging out with me <333 hope you get to enjoy your birthday to fullest and eat lots of good food 🥺🤍

i love you 🥺🤍, take care yza

you're SOOOOOO valid <3

it's giving old svt mixtapes and diss tracks tbh 😋 also worm omg a LOT of carats have been watching that one, maybe i should watch it now too 👁 aLSO ME TOOO!!!! didn't hate it in the first listen but i wasn't obsessed w her, but look at me now……. i'm a big Cheers enthusiast 😋

HELL YEA??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? all my homies love ash <3 i already was intrigued by it during the medley but hearing the full song with ww's chorus just made my soul leave my body tbh 😭 ALSO UP THERE W SHADOW AND MARCH HELLAUR??????????????? that is an HONOR tbh

love that for u!! the streams are also very fun and u get no covid risk so u also win JFJKJDS

ALSO YES DEF GET U????????????????????? circles really is that girl </3

AND I KNOW FJDSJKDFS the svteenie range truly is so fascinating 👁

found out where we were getting confused they DID sing don q during soundcheck but i cant find one from the con itself so im guessing they DIDNT perform it at the con 😭

woosung and woodz u are SOOOOOOOOOO <3 also did not know sumn happened to the rose 😭 pls u are so funny JKFDSJKDSJKF

IM SO GLAD?????????????????????????????? sunmi really has been consistently serving us Real Good Songs over the past decade <3 i enjoy her music sm

i still have a month left of summer break apparently 😋 ALSO NOOOOOOOO OMG WHAT IS GOING ON LATELY 😭😭 my friend has also been having nightmares… leo season is kind of ominous lmao 😭😭 ALSO NAURRRRRRRRR </3 hoping u get better weather :/ i'd gladly exchange w u tbh <3 i love the rain but i get how inconvenient it is especially when u have to go out on the daily 😭😭

AND U REMEMBERED?????????????? PLEASE 🥺😭 thank u that is so sweet of u </3 think we will be going out, i initally wanted to go skydiving/bungee jumping but my mom is SCARED of me going (not even her ksjdjkjsdf) so 🤡 thank u for even thinking of me and for always being SOOOOOO outrageously kind </3 i love u even more <33 hope the days are also always kind to u <3 MWAH

#cherie 🪂#s-cxups #y.ask #long post

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ssa-atlas-alvez · 1 year

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I have a genuine question, and I apologise if this is an uncomfortable question

But is it okay to be uncomfortable being trans? I... I'm a trans guy. But I absolutely hate coming out because I just want to be seen as cis. I lie about being cis or I say "Oh I use trans because I'm nonbinary but im also a cis dude". Like even when I talk about my problems, I always try to say "I'm a dude" or "as a gay guy" and I feel like... like I'm lying. I can't even read trans reader stuff because it makes me feel as if that's my only defining trait. That Instead of a man, I'm just a wannabe

So is it okay to be uncomfortable to be trans and to lie about being a cis man?

I don't know if I'm the right person to ask about this if I'm honest but I'm going to do my best. I think being trans is something that you slowly accept, if that makes sense. I struggled with saying I was trans a lot, I still feel a little bit awkward about it - but I tend to just get it out in the open as soon as possible (like as soon as it fits and if I feel safe to do so).

I was lucky enought to be open with my parents about it from day one, so I would just say 'I'm a guy' 'I'm a bloke' 'I should be a guy' etc. I don't ever use the word man because in my head whenever I say man I'm waiting for someone to jump on me with the 'a man is a male with xy chromosomes and a penis', you know? So I stick with 'trans guy'. because even 'trans man' makes me feel uncomfortable because it doesn't actually feel like I'm a man - like sure, I'm trying my best, but still (if you catch my drift?). Like imposter syndrome big time with that word.

I don't think I pass that well (my friends say I do but I think they're just being nice aha - guys if you see this don't yell at me aha), like I get misgendered by people in public, which is always a bit awkward. So when I tell people that have misgendered me without realising/meaning to, I make sure to keep it light hearted because I don't want them to feel bad about it, because they didn't know at the time.

When I meet new people I kinda just get it out of the way, like if they know and I tell them the pronouns, boom, over and done with. I find that the longer I leave it, the more convinced I am that it's going to go terribly.

I say the same thing, I say 'I'm a guy/bloke' (very british of me, I know). I don't think it's lying. I see the word trans as an adjective, or a descriptor of an individual, the same as cis.

I can't say if it's okay to lie about being cis, I personally don't say I am because I'm not - I don't necessarily like being trans, it sucks (the flag is great tho to be fair), but it's the term that fits me. Equally, there's a lot of people that just don't use the term trans and that's okay too, it's about what fits you and makes you comfortable, I guess.

I mean on here I'm just atlas, people know I'm a trans dude and maybe don't even think about the 'trans' part in front of that. But I'm aware that's different to real life, the outside world, whatever you want to call it (but honestly that's probably one of the best parts about being on here lmao).

Idk probably not the best person to ask about this but I hope it helped?

#atlas speaks #asks #trans stuff #atlas is currently worried he's said the wrong thing

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arlecchno · 1 year

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that . dream sounds disturbing :D for some reason nowadays ive started to get more disturbing dreams as well ? they cant be described as nightmares because well i wasnt exactly scared ?? by them but they were ,,,, yk . disturbing . idk maybe im too desensitized to things my brain just either emotionally damages me or is like HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT [ throws random disturbing thing / content ] in my “nightmares” sometimes -

NOT THE LONELINESS 😭😭 i relate except im may or may not be legitimately lonely lmfao . a lot of those frickin popular uquiz quizzes call me out for it and im like “🤠⁉️”

lmao haitham is picking up cynos humor ?? not clickbait real ???? memes aside thanks for more portrayal validation i love rping alhaitham ( esp with kavehs ) theyre so fun - oh yeah i also have this

ngl since i have an alhaitham pfp on discord , i was kinda reading my messages in his voice cuz i was slandering language LMAO ( imagine alhaitham pronouncing “balogna” the way its spelled . made me giggle ngl )

im pretty sure aster has been my oc for almost a year now ( I DID NOT REALIZE IT WAS THAT LONG BEFORE GODDAMN - ) so they have . an unholy amount of lore at the moment . i rlly need to modify the lore though because me and my friend ( we both made genshin ocs and theyre like partner ocs ) made our ocs before the release of sumeru where we got more information about irminsul and the leylines — which was vvvvvv important for my friends ocs lore — so now a lot of our stuff is either minorly outdated or some of our lore would just make a lot more sense done a different way 😭😭

even tho asters forever home ( well , as long as dilucs around ig ) is dawn winery , they travel teyvat a lot , which ties into their original name :D they wander the world too lmao ( its totally not an excuse to make them friends with all the character i like wdym hahahahahahahhaha ) . NGL THEY PROBABLY ALL MET AT THE TAVERN - whenever asters in mond ( a lot of the time bc obviously their house is there ) they work at angels share and like aster would walk into the tavern for the first time for like . a drink . dunno what kind of drink but then they just SEE this random ass kid from THEIR FALLEN ASS NATION and go “WTF” and promptly find out he is a fucking dumdum stoopid head and then regret ever coming to this place /j at the beginning kaeya and aster probably did argue at the bar a lot , these two khaenriahns WILL cause diluc to lose his sanity but its okay because then they can all cuddle by the fireplace when theyve all agreed that theyre okay with eachother ( they love eachother /p theyre just all in denial . ) . overall ragbros + aster relationship is just pure chaotic fluff and angst - sometimes they go out to murk all the fatui outside in mondstadt ! fun !! and oh god i typed WAY TOO MUCH ON THIS LMFAO

THE VOID BRICK WALL LMAO ah yes such a beauty is the unknown of the brick wall , it contains all the vastness of the universe in one block and you may observe every galaxy in its grain . also NOT THE TREE CRASH 😨

WHEKJDKDND YEAH I NEED A THOMA ROOMIE IF I EVER DECIDE ITD BE OKAY TO MOVE OUT IN THE FAR FUTURE BECAUSE I DONT THINK ID HAVE THE MENTAL ENERGY TO CLEAN THE PLACE ONCE A WEEK - and if i didnt id probably go crazy because i cant stand the feeling of dirt or sand on floors ….. bleh .

I ALWAYS STRUGGLE NO MATTER WHAT NATION LIKE . THERE WAS AN OCULI NEAR DAWN WINERY THAT I ALWAYS SAW THE DUMBASS SPARKLE TO ON THE MAP AND THEN IT TURNS OUT I NEED TO FLY A L L T H E W A Y UP SOMEWHERE TO GET IT LIKE . ARE . YOU . KIDDING . ME - it took me one whole year to figure out how to get that oculi . maybe im just stupid

omg you can NEVER mention dragonspine / winter patches around me im . IMPOSTER ALBEDO AND FELLFLOWER . they make me insane . i fucking USHXISJDIEIHDHSHAHAAAAAAAAA albedo / rhinedottir lore . alchemy in genshin impact lore . i am so . i will go feral the next time dorian / rubedo ( impostorbedo ) appears in story , wether it be event or not im . im insane thats what i am ………… hahaha …… 🤠

sometimes i forget people farm friendship exp .. im a super duper lazy player who absolutely despises grinding with my entire soul ( im the definition of “lore player” /hj ) i almost never switch out my team unless for fighting elemental bosses or enemies lmao -

DUDE MY CLASSES HAVE BEEN ACTUALLY SCREWING ME OVER WITH PROJECTS RN IM LOSING MY SANITY /nsrs im suffering so much . im losing so much precious sleep …… starts sobbing uncontrollably

i really like milk and white choccy too lmao - probs bc i just cant rlly handle bitter things but OH WELL ! my absolute favorite kind of chocolate is like any kind with strawberries / strawberry flavor in them , recently one of my friends shared some valentines chocolates she got from her boyfriend with our friend group and i gotta say that strawberry chocolate they had in there was ABSOLUTELY SCRUMPDIDDILYUMPTIOUS . it had pieces of dried strawberry too it was just . MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

DUDE where i live we have these things called mochi donuts and theyre so good ( ngl you can probably guess where im from just from googling mochi donuts lmao - ) regular donuts r yumyum good but mochi donuts are so satisfying to consume LMAO - but man i havent had a cinnoroll in AGES .. i think im just a pastry enjoyer in general lmao , strawberry , apple , and guava pastries are my life .

tbh i dont think any reply would ever be too long for me to read , like you could probably write me a 3 page essay as a reply and id sure as hell read it LMAO i ramble a lot too so that just makes the both of us 😋

HEIDJEKJD favorite song questions are so hard , right now id have to say either undercover martyn - two door cinema club if you just wanted my music taste im gonna list a bunch of artists now because i am a free advertising machine when i like things : owl city , the neighbourhood , chase petra , lovejoy , everybodys worried about owen , and uhhh everything from the epic: the musical sagas

ZE QUESTION ! whats your favorite like ambient sound ( city noises , water , leaves , etc etc ) and why :0

wOOO SATURN EMOJI 🪐🪐🪐🪐 I LOVE SPACE !! CYA NEXT TIME 💫💫

- jellyfish ( or alex idk lol )

oh my god HI AGAIN ALEX i'm sorry that i wasn't able to reply to this sooner 💔💔 my inbox has been wonky for some reason and it finally worked today (thank god), i hope this won't happen again 😔🤞 i miss talking with you so here's a really long reply hehe hope you don't mind!

i've had my fair share of disturbing dreams lmao, and i've also heard that if you get those kinds of dreams then it means you're dying early??? i don't really believe in superstitions though so i'm not exactly worried about it LOL

your alhaitham rps are hella funny LMFAO i always think of alhaitham of someone who'd slander a lot of things especially when it comes to languages (since he canonically speaks 20 languages), i also see him as someone who'd mispronounce words or pronounce words as exactly what they're written (like you said) and say it with such a straight face 😭 i feel like if you ever tried explaining it to him he'd be like "what do you mean this is pronounced as baloney? why is it even spelled as bologna if you're going to pronounce it so wrongly? what has this system become?" and i'm just going to be in the corner laughing my ass off at how blunt and unintentionally funny this man is

aster lore is back again!!!!! seeing you mention that aster was created before sumeru and how it's already been a year since their existence made me realize how long sumeru has been out for,, sooner or later we'll be getting fontaine in no time 😵 but back to aster! it always interests me how you have this whole background story of aster which is HELLA cool and stuff and how you keep up with the genshin lore too! i think it's such a nice touch for them to be related with the ragbros too— i can just see their silly little arguments and silly little moments they have together. i'm also sure as hell the moment aster sees the khaenriah eyes (well,, eye... to be specific) in kaeya they'd be like "oh hell no." too SJDJKJS it's just so funny thinking of the many scenarios of their first encounter could play out

oh trust me, i hate cleaning my room. if i ever have a roommate one day, i am praying to the lord that they're the most strictest person on earth so that they can make me move my ass around 😔 i'm just not the person who has the energy to do all that often

don't get me started. the oculis in mondstadt are actual hell. like i'm literally not kidding. how can they call it the nation of freedom when i have no freedom trying to get all those oculis when i was in such a low ar? /j

jokes aside the locations of those oculis in mondstadt were so... brutal. i remember using those oculi compass things and the locations they showed at stormterror's lair were so????? some of them were up at the sky and my low ar ass was so confused on how to get up there,, i also remember there was this one that was hidden in like a pillar and i actually had to get my ass up the highest hill there to fly down into that pillar because somehow they won't let me climb the pillar up... those were truly my darkest times lmfao

WINTER PATCHES!!!!! i really miss them haha i was so excited during the snowman event back then and i made a bunch of cute snowmans and taking pics of them with kazuha. hope hyv bring back the winter patches ASAP ‼️‼️ WE NEED MORE ALBEDO LORE ‼️‼️ also idk if you have done the windblume story event but just in case i'm still adding a spoiler alert;;

i'm guessing we got some rhinedottir lore? well it was only mentioned that she's apart of the hexenzirkel and she called herself a mother to albedo (despite the many things she's done that would say otherwise lmao). but fetus bedo in the cutscene is so cute hsjdjdjjs and it basically implied that his hair wasn't tied like that but instead he was created with that hair style 😭 bros really just magnificent without even trying

i'm so very interested with rhinedottir/albedo/durin/dorian lore like i just know that there's more to what we know currently.... but we probably won't be getting much anytime soon considering how deep rhinedottir's lore is sobs

LMAO i get what you're saying with being a lazy player,, i myself have been detaching myself off from genshin impact recently and it's quite relaxing‼️ i don't panic that i missed out on daily's anymore and i hope it continues that way 😭 i log in once in a while to do the events and disappear again for the next week

ahhhh the thought of school projects and assignments makes me squirm kwdjdjdj my break basically ended and i start school on monday so hahaha.... i'm back to hell again </3 so not ready for the heavy workload . hope you're getting enough rest!!! school is always so hectic hhhhh hope you're managing well

dried strawberries in strawberry chocolates????? SIGN ME TF UP(!!!!!!!! i love anything related with strawberries they're literally the best. thing. to ever. EXIST! mochi donuts sound so good looking at the pictures on google made me want to just . chomp them following the shapes one by one. donuts are absolutely scrumptious.

guava pastries?? :0 never heard of them but i'd definitely try them if i could ever get my hands on them, any pastry MUST be tried out by me‼️‼️‼️‼️ *evil laughing intensifies*

glad that i have someone to ramble stuff with!!! at least i won't suffer by keeping all this excitement to myself while rambling stuff on this blog ☝️

just listened to undercover martyn!!! i think it's kinda stuck in me now LMAO the sick beats are getting to me,,, and the beats lowkey remind me of remember when by wallows which is one of my favourite songs by the band!!!

OMG OWL CITY?? HAHA this is truly ironic because i used to love his wreck it ralph song when the movie came out!! this gave me so much nostalgia and kinda made me want to watch the movie again LOL 😭😭 overall your music taste is so>>>> you made me discover new artists like chase petra and lovejoy!!! i'm currently in love with beabadobee shdjdh some of my favourite songs from her currently are you lie all the time and dance with me 😋🤞

oh this question is interesting— i pretty much love oceans the most, if anything. the sound of waves and the chilly wind gives me so much comfort for some reason, and somehow the smell of saltwater never bothered me,, despite my dislike towards salt in general LMAO.

other than that, i think this might sound weird . but i kind of like the sound of the hustle and bustle of flea markets too. they can be kind of overwhelming sometimes because of screaming children and whatnot- but for some reason i enjoy listening to people talking with each other whilst buying stuff sjsklk very odd but it's interesting to see what other people are up to. it's so very fascinating to see the human life evolve and for me that's comforting somehow 😵‍💫

a question for you!!!! what's your favourite season and why :D

i better not get ahead of myself with my rambling and end this off here. hopefully my inbox won't shut down again like last time!! i was so upset that i couldn't reply to your ask and ended up replying this really late 💔 thrilled to see your reply soon!!! have a nice day alex 🪐🪐🪐🪐 (YES SATURN EMOJIS WOO!!!)

#h answers #jellyfish <3 #oh this was way longer than i intended to LMAO

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fandomlit · 3 years

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prize (jacksepticeye x reader x pewdiepie)

requested by anon “can you do jacksepticeye x reader from finland? And felix likes reader becose they are country neighbors”

summary sean decides to bring his finnish friend into a game of among us to meet his other friends. felix takes an immediate liking to this country neighbor.

warning swearing

gif cred belongs to @painofbeingafinnishfangirl

the discord dinged and sean immediately shouted, “y/n!”

“ow!” felix--who had just joined the call--yelled back, making their friends laugh.

“damnit.” felix gave his camera an offended looked.

“i didn’t think i was that disappointing, okay,” he joked.

sean laughed, “you’re never disappointing, felix, im just waiting for a friends to join.”

“oh,” felix nodded. “well i hope they’re less disappointing than me, jesus.” everyone cracked up just as the discord call rang again.

“y/n!” jack shouted again.

“jack!” you called back with a following giggle. “how are you!”

“im well!”

“please stop yelling!” pj yelled, making everyone giggle again.

“im excited!” sean yelled.

“me too,” you spoke weakly through your laughter.

“so sean, who is this?” felix asked curiously.

“oh, im y/n,” you introduced. “or c/n, if you know that better.”

rae gasped. “you’re the finnish singer!”

“i am,” you affirmed with a giggle.

“you’re finnish?” felix questioned.

“yep!”

“im swedish!” he exclaimed excitedly. “we’re neighbors!”

“oh my god, you’re the neighbor’s kid!”

everyone burst into laughter as felix yelled, “shut up!”

after the game started, felix laughed to himself, “she’s funny.”

“can i blame y/n just because she’s finnish?” sean interrupted during a meeting.

your friends laughed as you called out, “rasistinen!”

“what?” he laughed.

“that means racist in finnish, you asswipe,” you spoke loudly into your mic, making everyone laugh harder as you shook your head disappointedly at your screen. “can we vote out the racist?”

“yeah, i got you,” felix said, locking his vote.

“thanks, neighbor!” you spoke cheerily as the real investigation began.

“y/n, you know i love you, right?” sean spoke as he caught up to you in weapons.

“is this to make up for the finnish comment?” you giggled.

“it is,” he affirmed with a laugh. “i didn’t mean any harm.”

“sean, my irish sweetheart, i appreciate your kindness from the bottom of my heart,” you assured him. “really, you don’t have to apologize, but i loved that you did, and i accept your apology.” he grinned at his camera. “so, im sorry, too.” and you swiftly killed him, ending the game.

“WHAT?!”

you laughed loudly as your imposter partner, felix, spoke, “nice one!”

“yay neighbors!” you celebrated, clapping on your end as sean began to explode.

“i opened my heart to you!” you burst into laughter. “i was apologizing, thinking maybe i took something too far, and i put it out there, and what did you do?!”

“sean!” you called over his hysteria.

“im not finished!” your friends laughed. “god, i don’t think i can ever love again.”

“so what im hearing is y/n’s single now?” felix questioned. everyone called out in surprise and hysterics as you slapped a hand over your mouth.

“i’ve always been single!” was the only thing you could think to yell as your face flushed.

“that’s a lie!” sean called out.

“sean fucking mcloughlin!”

over everyone’s diminishing laughter, pj wheezed, “im so confused!”

“me too,” you admitted desperately.

“hey felix,” sean called out. “first one to finish their tasks in the next round gets y/n.”

“why am i a prize?” you questioned quietly into your mic.

“poor y/n,” corpse chuckled.

“you’re on,” felix spoke, ignoring you and corpse’s comments.

“this is so fucking stupid,” you spoke, swiping a hand over your face.

“we know that!”

when the round finally started, rae immediately went over to you, “y/n, i have a feeling you’re safe this round.” you let out a laugh as she continued, “is it alright if i stick with you?”

“rae, baby, of course,” you giggled.

“what are they doing?” rae whispered into her mic. you looked to see that sean and felix were still standing by the spawn, just staring down each other’s characters.

“i have no idea,” you admitted. “but i think we should stay and watch.”

“yeah, me too.”

after a solid five seconds of silence, jack’s character surged forward and murdered felix. while you burst into surprised laughter, rae let out a scream and reported the body. but she fell into laughter with you as the meeting assembled.

“what happened?” toast asked. “pewds is dead..?”

“rae and y/n, are you guys okay?” sykkuno asked when he realized it was the two of you who were laughing.

“no!” you exclaimed weakly.

“it was jack!” rae spoke, continuing to throw her head back and laugh after the confession.

“i win,” was all jack offered. as a few others began to chuckle, he continued, “that was my only task.”

#youtubers x reader #youtubers fanfic #pewdiepie x reader #pewdiepie fanfic #jacksepticeye x reader #jacksepticeye fanfic #felix kjellberg x reader #felix kjellberg fanfic #sean mcloughlin x reader #sean mcloughlin fanfic #pewdiepie x reader x jacksepticeye #sean mcloughlin x reader x felix kjellberg

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alyblacklist · 3 years

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Hey Aly! Since you were right about the scar and sea theory, im very curious what do you think will be the reveal next week? whats all this about? do you have a story in your head about it? Maybe you will guess right again ;)

I've always been in the "third man" category as they like to call it on Reddit. The camp who believes that Red is not biologically related to Liz in any way. Not as her father, mother, uncle, name your related flavor person. I have also never believed that his interest in her is romantic so that narrows my "camp" a bit further in terms of the "third man" segment of the fandom. I think the show has highlighted the theme of "chosen family" (i.e., where your unrelated friends are closer than your actual relatives) throughout this series and that Red will fall into that category with respect to both Katarina and Liz. Maybe it's because I feel closer to my good, lifelong friends than to most of my relatives other than my kids (who I adore) and my husband (who I chose). It's not difficult to me to conceive of Red knowing Katarina that well. I assure you my best friend could accurately describe how I felt during both my pregnancies better than my actual mother could.

I always liked the idea of Red being some sort of handler to Dom/Katarina or a partner to Katarina. Rassvet really set me back a bit because I liked the idea of him being an Ilya type - that definitely fit with my world view. And then of course they walked it back. I always felt Red understood the Ressler/Liz partnership dynamic as someone who had had a similar relationship with her mother. Someone whose life became intersected with hers, possibly unrequited love, possibly like Ressler and Liz are now where we know there are real feelings and love but circumstances - fraught circumstances - keep ripping them apart, whether that's danger or the wrong man at the wrong time or the mission etc.

I'm not sure what to expect from next week (except more double speak and non-answer/answers). I hope (but am not optimistic) that they kill Rederina and eliminate that second imposter issue and clarify that Katarina and Red were always two separate people both before and after the fire. I think it costs them little to do that except hurting some feelings (*cough* Troy). But who knows. I lean towards the fact that we will learn that Red - whoever he was - had a deep connection to Dom, Katarina, Ilya, Stepanov AND LIZ that goes back both before her babyhood and through the night of the fire all the way on to the present. He didn't just magically reconnect with her in adulthood after watching from a distance. He's been watching her, protecting her, all the way as only the closest of people would do. She's the center of his 30 year mission/project. We'll see and if I'm wrong, there's always fanfic!

#anon #theories #Raymond reddington #Elizabeth keen #8.21 #speculation #I actually wrote a version of a Red origin story a couple of years ago #but when you get pegged as a Keenler writer most people won't give it a chance unless they also ship them #even though it really wasn't shippy #I still love that one #it's on AO3 so look up Out of the Shadows under my pen name alyb123 if you want to see my head canons #from a few years ago dumped into a fic #shameless plug #I think it was btw S5 and S6 if I recall

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yarrowleef · 4 years

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Read Darkness Within all in one sitting last night and then passed out so here are my scattered thoughts i wrote down as i read, (afterthoughts in parenthesis)

Darkness Within Spoilers, obv

UGH GOD THE SECOND HAND EMBARRESMENT FROM SQUIRREL FAKE FLIRTING WITH ASHFUR IT HURTS

Just remembered Sandynose died and got a small boost of happiness (will Hawkwing and Plumwillow ever be allowed to talk again now? I mean probly not b/c they aren’t protags and non-protags don’t rly have friends but I can hope. Sorry, Hawkwhing and Plumwillow’s short-lived friendship in Hawkwings Journey was one of the last times I felt something)

Ghost fleas lol

Mothwing: i’m rude now. (but more importantly, Fuck Tigerheartstar for forcing his son to be around the cat that hurt him so badly, like he HAS to know how upset everyone is regarding Shadowsight and his accidentally helping the imposter, and he’s making him be the sole one to tend to him??? There is NO REASON Puddleshine couldn’t have done it. You think Puddleshine is going to try and murder someone?? )

Oh no don't make this a traveling book, and a ROOTBRISTLE traveling book this is going to be insufferable

BACON AND EGGS

Lightleap Is Good (Hey didn’t Shadowsight have another sister? lets be real we all knew Pouncekit was going to end up as the forgettable 3rd one)

Bristlefrost’s crush continues to feel unnatural to me. It’s like she’s grasping at straws romanticizing the most generic things.....wow....I love how ur just so...bare minimum competent....being polite to the loner we came all this way to ask for help like any somewhat reasonable person would....How admirable...I love the way you just *clenches fist* exhibit some basic traits of loyalty and skill that literally every warrior has (I s2g I’m this close to head canon-ing Bristle as a clueless aromantic who doesn't understand what romance is actually suppose to feel like so she just looks at feelings of low-bar admiration and assumes “oh I guess this is that “romantic attraction” everyone’s always talking about? guess I must be in love???” because both her crushes have felt out of nowhere and like. Idk fake/forced sounding like she’s just telling me that that she’s In Love Now while I continue to not actually feel it at all from her end. I know it’s just that I hate the way Erin’s write female characters in love but this head-canon makes me laugh)

Got scared because I thought they were going to villainize Spotfur for not wanting kits for a minute, but also excited at the concept of maybe exploring a female character that doesn’t want to be a mother, but it turns out she was just pulling a Sparkpelt and actually DID want the kits all along and was only hesitant because she’s sad. Shrug oh well. (the only female character in warriors that was distinctly upset about pregnancy and motherhood was Lizardstripe and as we all know she was eeeeeevil and abusive and “overly ambitious” because why else would you not come around to being happy about motherhood?? YES I’M STILL SALTY ABOUT YELLOWFANG’S SECRET, BAD BOOK) Whatever it’s fine so long as Spot doesn’t lose her rebel leader spirit forever and default to “soft mom” personality for the rest of her life, I gotta have hope because I actually like Bristle and Spot’s current relationship. Also I am actually very grateful they never made Bristle resentful at Spot for getting with her crush, as lots of middle grade/YA media has a very bad habit of demonizing female romantic “competition” and its super gross, so I rly do like that Bristlefrost is so protective and caring towards her instead. )

This series is trying to tell me that Rootspring is actually Big but I refuse to accept that. he has dumb scrawny bitch energy and we all know it

Sunrise: “Thunderclan may be better with a new leader” lol go off (i mean........they right tho...It’s unfortunate that the tension in this whole plot is a bit dampened by the fact that i DO in fact want bramble to die v badly. I don’t even have special hatred for him, I’m just bored of him.)

Yes Lionblaze beat the shit out of Ashfur

*HOLY SHIT THAT’S FUCKED!!!! (I wrote this in reference to the ghost summoning scene, this was all I could manage at the time, that scene was WILD and I am VIBING WITH THE HORROR OF IT ALL)

* Brashfur: Oh yeah? Could Ashfur fake THIS? *stands up with slightly better posture* Shadowsight: oh damn you got me there...... (asdfhhfhhgh im sorry that was really funny, how did that prove anything?? ONLY A ~REAL~ WARRIOR COULD STAND UP STRAIGHT WE ALL KNOW ASHFUR IS INCAPABLE OF GOOD POSTURE!)

End of the book: *LAUGHING NERVOUSLY* WHAT THE FUCK??? (I thought he was just gonna kill Squirrelflight right there holy shit can you imagine the RIOTS that would ensue in the wake of all this Squirrel/Bramble discourse I was so scared for a second.

But it’s fine, she just....went to super hell instead......Warriors has come so far lmao WHAT IS HAPPENING

Final Notes:

*On Mothwing, I don’t think her behavior struck me as “CHARACTER BUTCHERING” as much as it did for other people? I mean.....Warriors fans will say that literally any time a character does ANYTHING less then perfectly nice I think her actions just seemed that much harsher because we are reading from Shadowsight’s POV, and Shadowsight is taking everything 10x more personally right now (understandably so, but Mothwing isn’t inside his head) she wasn’t trying to hurt him. Also... like... Shadowsight DID get his name too early. It’s not Mothwing’s job to put his feelings above everything else, she’s not even his mentor, Puddleshine on the other hand, as his main mentor, I don’t understand what his deal is ignoring Shadowsight, that’s not how you help an apprentice but I suppose I chalk many of his mistakes up to also not being the most experienced medicine cat (he barely even had his own mentor.) Maybe he’s distant because he feels guilty and actually blames himself for not guiding Shadowsight better?? the two of them haven’t communicated about it yet so idk

any way I give Mothwing a pass to be a little short tempered right now as a cat who has had her abilities periodically questioned all her life no matter how hard she works or how much experience she has, just because she doesn’t vibe with the spiritual cult side of the clans, I can understand why she’s a bit defensive of being questioned and frustrated watching so much hurt happen Yet Again due to reliance on StarClan visions over common sense, and I for one still stan her for slandering StarClan and refusing to accept Mistystar’s bullshit banishing like everyone else. Sometimes a character is at the end of their rope and can’t manage to be 100% nice 24/7 and that’s maybe not inherently bad writing? idk just my hot take. At a certain point we all gotta reckon with the fact that our perception of most popular supporting characters in heavily colored by fanon and we can’t always get mad at the authors for not adhering to it

*The sisters magic shit is my fav worldbuilding warriors has had in AGES, I love the way it’s described and it actually feels like it adds something to this world. I love this horror imagery with the ghosts, very excited for that.

*still won’t be thrilled if Ashfur is working alone, because his motive doesn’t make sense right now. I mean the trying to get Squilf thing, sure, whatever, but the “I will make everyone pay for what they did to me”???? cause like?? Who??? they didn’t do anything to him?? Ashfur’s grievance was very specifically JUST Squilf. He has no other cause for revenge, he had no other beef or complaints about the clans to my knowledge? The cat that killed him is dead, and she’s like, the only other one that I could see as having “wronged” him?? I guess he also didn’t like Firestar much according to Graystripe’s Vow (and on account of how willing he was to kill him w/ Hawkfrost) but Firestar is ALSO dead. I don’t understand his angle. Will have to see last 2 books to judge i suppose.

*All in all I am interested to see where this is going!! but also the pacing as I feared is becoming a major issue. It’s better then ending the main conflict on book 3 like Vision of Shadows did, but omg. Hardly anything happened in all these pages. I realized I was over half way through and nothing about the situation had actually CHANGED or advanced at all in all that time. Similar to the past 2 books which I believe could have been combined, this plot felt like it should have been the first half of a book. Discussing whether or not to kill the imposter isn’t much of a standalone plot, it’s just the set up to a plot. Finding the sisters didn’t need to be a whole long thing, the debates about the Imposters fate didn’t need to be repeated 10 times, all those chapters illustrating that “Shadowsight is sad” were also drawn out, repetitive, and interchangeable, we probably only needed 2 or so chapters showing his struggles to get the necessary information across. It felt like a lot of padding, it was really slow and I did a lot of skimming. I am still very interested in the overarching plot and mystery behind the ghosts so that kept me reading but man this “will they won’t they kill him” plot did not justify it’s own whole book. Alas this is a persisting issue that will never be resolved while they continue to force 6 books into 1 series that doesn’t need 6 books. I’m sure the writers are doing the best they can with these unfortunate constraints but still, it’s a wonder this slow padding isn’t more of a detriment to their younger readers that the books are supposed to be marketed to.

#warrior cats #the broken code #darkness within #the darkness within #darkness within spoilers #wc tbc #tbc #is that enough tags #yarrow speaks #wc criticism #long post #the broken code spoilers #warrior cats spoilers

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brotheralyosha · 3 years

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Hey, it’s me: Short Afternoon Walk. As you may have noticed, you’re all turning to me an awful lot these days. Don’t get me wrong, I love what we have together, but I think we need to face the truth: I can never be everything you want me to be.

When this little routine first started, I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. I was an escape. I was an adventure. I was beloved. But somewhere along the way, I became your everything.

Now, I’m both your leisure activity and your only form of exercise. I’m the last thing tethering you to reality, yet your only way of escaping it. I’m the singular effort you make to maintain your sanity, and your sole means of experiencing joy, hope, and happiness. It feels as if I’m your lover, friend, and therapist all wrapped into one and, frankly, it’s making me uncomfortable.

Personally, I think I’ve held up my end of the deal quite well. I’m there every time you need me. I’m literally always an option. I don’t know if you know this, but you can even have me at other times of the day. For example, have you tried the morning?

Perhaps, instead of rolling up to your email inbox in a sleepy, hurried rage, you could first project your hopes and dreams onto a morning walk? I hear morning walks are a great way to extend the bliss of forgetfulness you experience in the first few moments of waking up and delay the vague, gnawing sense of impending doom.

But let’s get back to the root of the problem here. I am but a simple afternoon walk. You are a human person with complex feelings and emotions like fear and boredom, not to mention a very real depression that you only seem to be acknowledging through tweets. And you want us both to believe that I can address these things with magical powers?

I’ll let you in on a little secret, pal: I have no magical powers. I never have. This isn’t an imposter syndrome thing either, so don’t even start with the, “Oh, come on, everyone knows how magical and talented you are!” I’m telling you right now, for real, I have no magical powers.

I’ve gotta say it feels like even the things I can do for you aren’t enough anymore. How quickly you seem to have forgotten that I actually am a stress reliever and an energy booster. I shoot endorphins throughout your brain like a confetti cannon, for crying out loud. Don’t even get me started on the way I fight off heart disease — but you never think about that anymore, do you?

Anyway, forget it. I know things are hard right now. Really, I get it. But might I remind you that no one ever said, “You know what could eradicate coronavirus, convince national leaders that everyone deserves a livable wage regardless of the kind of work they’re doing, and provide a rush of endorphins? A short afternoon walk.”

So please, for the love of God, I’m gonna need you to develop just one or even two other coping mechanisms. Then maybe, just maybe, we can actually enjoy each other’s company again.

#for fucking fuck's sake #about me #big oof #2021 #mcsweenys

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gallickingun · 4 years

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That’s completely understandable! I definitely feel that as well. It may take a while, but like you said, things will get better. I’m happy to pop into your inbox at any time to offer kind words and comfort - ❤️

ngl this made me tear up 🥺 and God who gives a fuck anymore ill at least put it under a read more but i gotta get it out

but like i just feel like a cancer to everyone right now.

i am afraid to follow anyone else because im so scared of making them uncomfortable with everything going on. and anyone who reaches out to me through dms or ask box messages i second guess always. are they really being nice? or are they sitting on the other side of the screen laughing at me for having a bad day when they think i deserve it? when people see me in their activity feeds, do they laugh bc they think im trash or do they even care? i used to want people to care but now i wish no one even knew who i was. and likely most people don't. likely im just making this a worse deal than it truly is but God im so tired of not knowing who is here for me and who is here for the tea.

anytime i sit down to write anymore im always bothered. are people going to judge me for writing this when i should've been doing matchups even though ive refunded them all? are people going to find something ive said wrong in this and tear me apart for it? am i going to mistakenly use a phrase i shouldn't? am i going to make someone uncomfortable by posting this? does this go directly against what fanon says and will people laugh at me for writing it?

wow there are so many servers ive wanted to join and participate in but i can't for fear of making people uncomfortable with just my presence, no matter how active i am. and then there's the unknown of what people are thinking when i join in on a collab or when i participate in a writing sprint. are they made uncomfortable by me being there? so usually i end up never joining the server or staying inactive, and even then im still a problem. and then there's bloggers i want to reach out to but i can't because i don't want to make them feel weird by not responding to me, or them to feel like im "clout chasing" when really i just like their writing and their personality and i just want to be friends. but i can't even make friends anymore because im the devil of the discourse right now.

ive had people i was becoming friends with block me out of nowhere bc of who im assuming they associate with, or the posts they've seen about me. people who only know me based on the stuff that's getting spread. i know i fucked up, but gosh did we really have to start a whole discourse blog for my wrongdoings? most of the time im okay but lately now im just giving up. maybe i am this horrible snake, maybe i am a disgusting waste of space. at this rate, i may as well be, since that's what everyone believes.

i want to write. i want to open commissions to write FOR PEOPLE. i want to work on my patreon to provide resources and extras and stuff. but i cant. im frozen, im stuck in the mud, and i cant move on.

this app has brought me so many friends and wonderful opportunities but its also made me the most s*icidal ive been in years. but i cant talk about anything bc then im gaslighting and manipulating people by discussing my mental health. so now i question if i even have mental health issues at all, or am i just making it up? is what my ex said really true, that ill never be okay? that ill always end up alone?

god, the imposter syndrome is real. has everyone just realized how big of a fraud i truly am? is this the end of the act? am i the monster they've claimed me to be?

idk. maybe. i don't even know me.

#none of this made sense so feel free to keep scrolling #morgan gets mail #anonymous #tw: depression #tw: suicide #tw: suicidal

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sunkenntreasure · 3 years

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I’M A SHORT AFTERNOON WALK AND YOU’RE PUTTING WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME

by Emily Delaney

When this little routine first started, I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. I was an escape. I was an adventure. I was beloved. But somewhere along the way, I became your everything.

So please, for the love of God, I’m gonna need you to develop just one or even two other coping mechanisms. Then maybe, just maybe, we can actually enjoy each other’s company again.

#mcsweeneys

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july-19th-club · 4 years

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how did you first get into tarot? do you have any advice for someone who wants to learn?

i got into it in college when i was doing a bit of exploring around in terms of what i guess you’d call ‘witchy stuff’ - i’m not super involved in it much at all because like all hobbies there’s lots to dive into and i’ve always been just enough of a skeptic that im never sure if what im doing is working or not (also because as a community at least online, the modern witch zone has some problems with racism and TERF-adjacent ‘woman power’ shit and i am not about a) appropriating cultures i’m not a part of’s magical or spiritual traditions or b) associating with gender essentialists not least bc i dont ahve an essential gender). ALL THAT just to say when i was in college i thought tarot reading might be fun and i bought a cool pack with some artwork i liked, and then was gifted some other decks by friends etc. there are lots of beautiful (very expensive) decks out there - some of the fancy ones can run you like $50-60 easy - but you can get a basic rider-waite deck online for like 20 bucks.

the main thing to keep in mind about tarot is that whether or not you have much of a belief in that certain whatever-you-want-to-call-it (magic? the paranormal? words like that always feel WAY too dramatic to me an ex-catholic wary of anything that smacks of hardcore spirituality way) - your tarot deck is just cards, and it’s essentially an intuition tool. whatever you wind up reading is gonna mostly come from you - your interpretation of the cards, your interpretation of the questions you ask. and sometimes you’ll surprise yourself with the insight you glean off of that and you’ll get that cool uncanny ‘i’m onto something here’ feeling and sometimes you’ll just read a spread distractedly and get nothing out of it and just feel like you’ve wasted your time. either way, it can be a great way to sort out your own thoughts, which is mostly what i use mine for. i guess you could call it mindfulness in a way. when i draw a card and know that it either clarifies my thoughts or doesn’t make any sense for what i’m feeling, both of those answers can be helpful ways to narrow down complicated thought processes. if i’m feeling confident about a decision and i draw “The Chariot” for example, that doesn’t necessarily mean that some outside force is agreeing with me that i should do whatever im about to do. probably nobody else is giving me advice from beyond or influencing the cards i draw. but it does maybe mean that i’m not just tricking myself into feeling confident; it might mean that subconsciously (or consciously) i know i’m on top of whatever i was asking about. for someone with a degree of imposter syndrome, that can really help.

this is turning into a bit of a dissertation and you said you wanted tips, so bear with me :) my main tip is to buy a cheap deck (you can always buy a pretty one later) and to spend time with it. lots of people say that, but it’s like learning any new skill or subject - you’ll be more familiar with it and it’ll be more intuitive if you practice. the deck should come with a little book that tells you the commonly agreed-upon meanings of each card and what suit it belongs to (major arcana are for big themes and questions, minor - suits are wands, cups, coins or pentacles, and swords - are for more everyday garden-variety stuff). the book should also have some spread ideas in the back - by which i mean ways in which to lay out the cards and designate questions to each of them.

a simple spread, for example, might look like this: three cards in a row, which you designate past, present, and future. you could consider the spread broadly - the past encompassing a long time, present encompassing every aspect of your current life, future encompassing everything - or you could do it minutely; this morning (past) right now, and tonight (future). another thing everyone always says is not to be afraid to build your own spreads. if you feel like they’re not working or you’re not putting together any clear insight, you can always adjust them or go back to the ones in the book (if you find those work for you) or look some up online.

few other things i’ve noticed help you to achieve “clearer” results from a reading:

yes or no questions or extremely big, broad categories are troublesome. “how,” “what,” and “why” questions, or questions that allow for open-ended answers, are more likely to help you form a conclusion that makes sense

basically, you know how lawyers ask leading questions? this is NOT like that. if you do a spread full of leading questions, you’re just leading yourself in a circle

i’ve noticed that if i read for the same question over and over again all at once, the cards i flip get more and more nonsensical. either the deck’s getting tired of my bullshit, or i’m losing the ability to coherently interpret what’s in front of me - either way, i think past a certain point there’s no reason to beat a dead horse

^ the above leads me to a tangent which i SWEAR is related, tangent being i just said all that stuff about there not being any outside force directing your readings. still think that’s probably true unless you do spirit work about it on purpose, which i know nothing about and probably never will - but one of my few ‘i’m pretty sure i believe this’ beliefs is a bit of mild animism; the idea that objects as well as creatures have something akin to a soul or a personality. im not sure how distinct or clear or ‘real-in-the-way-that-you-and-i-who-are-living-human-beings-are-real’ those *souls* are, but the few hard and fast i-can’t-explain-it experiences i’ve had have been to do with places that felt like they Had Emotions and objects that felt like they Had Intent. and if you do subscribe to the line of reasoning that everything has a beating heart of *being-ness*, then things you spend lots of time with and interact with will probably come to some kind of understanding with you and/or you will influence each other a bit.

SO when the deck seems to be throwing unrelated cards at me after i start reading for the same thing over and over, or when reading for an anxious topic nets me reassuring cards, or when i truly do start a reading baffled and finish it clarified, the part of my mind that is a little less skeptical imagines that the deck and i, having spent some time together, are capable of maybe, just possibly, reading each other. and that magic is potentially, POTENTIALLY, in a barely tangible way, happening.

last thing: also everyone says this, but it bears repeating: don’t be intimidated by Death; it’s a card of transition really. and don’t let scary readings make you feel intimidated or scared or depressed. your readings are a reflection of your own emotional states and thought processes, and like smart seers in stories like to remind characters all the time, what you see is just one possibility and you have the power to change it if you don’t like what it shows.

#kind of weird an atheist skeptical ex-catholic being this into tarot readings #but look i have special interests okay!#hope this wasnt too much of a novel #for me tarot really helps me clarify my own circuitous thought patterns #like a meditation tool or a bullet journal #but also sometimes it really does feel a teensy tiny bit like maybe Something's Going On #Anonymous

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ad1thi · 5 years

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sin city (wasn’t made for you)

@imposter-human wrote me this amazing fic that was begging for a sequel, so here it is!

–

this got super long, so beware the read more! also please go through the tags for trigger warnings i don’t wanna accidentally upset anyone. bear in mind this is a serial killer fic, so morality is slightly screwy here

–

“You’re a-” Tony splutters, “this is a -” he stumbles back, hitting the door without realising

His hands automatically starts fumbling for the knob, but he can’t turn, he can’t tear his eyes away from Bucky- who’s frozen in the motion of scrubbing blood from his shirt

There’s silence as words die in Tony’s throat, save for the jiggling of the lock

“It uh, locks immediately,” Bucky finally says, “i have to release it for you to get out”

“And you’re not going to do that are you,” Tony says, “of course not why would you? I just stumbled onto your murder dungeon you’re not stupid”

Tony sinks to the floor, breathing haphazardly, “I can’t breathe- oh my god I can’t breathe!”

Bucky is over in an instant, crouching and grabbing Tony’s hand to place on his chest

“Can you feel the rise and fall of my chest doll?” Bucky’s free hand is cupping his neck, but Tony has enough range to nod dumbly, “great can you just focus on that for me?”

“Focus on my breathing doll thats it try and follow it”

Tony’s eyes slowly go glassy, and he slumps against Bucky- erratically gasping for air like a fish out of water

Dimly, he can feel Bucky’s fingers against his cheek and hear his voice; but its so far away and Tony’s bed is so close

so he fights the urge to reach his boyfriend, and just, falls

–

Tony wakes up, and he’s on a bed

More accurately, he’s on his bed

Chained to his bed with handcuffs that he and Bucky experimented with a couple of months back and god all the signs were there weren’t they?

The way Bucky kept odd hours, the constant stench of blood that surrounded him, the ways his eyes lit up when Tony talked about the murders in his books

God for the first couple of months the only way to get Bucky excited was Tony describing a murder from one of his books; how could he have been so blind?

Tony pulls at the chains experimentally, but he knows how sturdy the handcuffs are so its a lost cause

And the worst part is, Tony thinks, pulling his knees up and linking his arms under him, I still fucking love him

Absently, he wonders how pathetic it makes him; the fact that Bucky is a bona-fide serial killer and Tony is seriously considering still proposing to him

“You would’ve hit me on the back of the head and straightened me out, but this is what you get for dying in combat honeybear ” Tony says softly into the air and if the fact that he was talking aloud to his dead ex wasn’t a sign that he was going insane; what else was?

The door creaks open, and Tony’s eyes lift to see Bucky holding a tray of food; but his chin stays resting on his knees

The bed shifts slightly as Bucky sits down, and Tony obediently opens his mouth when Bucky nudges a spoon at him

If it wasn’t for the handcuffs and the bright red liquid staining Bucky’s neck; Tony could almost pretend that he was sick and Bucky was looking after him

As opposed to, you know, the reality- which was that Tony was a captive of a serial killer

Bucky lifts up a glass, and cups Tony’s chin to gingerly serve him water- but he doesn’t touch him otherwise

He keeps his hands to himself, folded on his lap; and his head cocked; silently waiting for Tony to say something

“So,” Tony says finally, because it is a well documented fact that silence makes Tony uncomfortable, “how did this whole thing begin?”

He gestures vaguely at the blood coating Bucky, and Bucky must’ve not realised he still had blood on it because he lifts his fingers to his neck and looks surprised when it comes back red

“Shit,” he curses, before looking back at Tony with wide eyes, “I’m sorry I thought I’d gotten it all off before I came in”

“I walked in on your murder dungeon Buck,” Tony says; the nickname slipping out, “I don’t think a bit of blood will startle me”

“Plus,” he lifts his hands to clink the chains, before re-wrapping them around his feet, “ ‘s not like I can go anywhere”

Bucky winces, “I’m sorry about the chains, they’re just a precaution. I didn’t, I didn’t want you to run before I had a chance to explain myself”

Tony snorts, “I am your captive audience”

The corner of Bucky’s lips curl up; but he otherwise looks genuinely apologetic

It’s funny, Tony always assumed that murderers were sociopaths; but Bucky is fucking with his empirical data

“The first time was um, when I was 17 maybe 18?” Tony’s face must show his surprise because Bucky hastens to explain, “yeah there was a girl in my class, Nat? She’d been having some trouble with the guy who lived across hall from her and her mom, and so I uh- I took care of it”

“My hero,” Tony says and Bucky rubs the back of his self consciously

“I don’t-” Bucky starts and then stops, “I don’t mindlessly kill. I wanted you to know that. The system is broken, and there are so many fucked up people who get away with shit every single day and I just -” he breaks off again, and looks up at Tony imploringly

“I mean to lie to you, I really did start out in forensics,” Bucky says- and it must speak to how fucked up Tony’s heart is that it still flutters for the man in front of him, “but I just watched Stevie catch so many people who would slip through the cracks of our justice system and I -”

“The day after I killed Mr. Pierce, was the first day that Nat came to school without bruises,” Bucky reaches out for Tony; his face dropping when Tony instinctively flinches back, “I know its wrong. I know murder is wrong. But how can someone that stopped a 16 year old from being raped be so bad?”

“I don’t mindlessly kill,” Bucky says again, “but I do, kill that is. Everyone that I kill, deserves to die”

“A modern age Robin Hood,” Tony says lightly because he isn’t sure to do with all the information he just received, “just more murder-y”

Bucky cracks a real smile at that, and Tony thinks to himself im so fucked

It’s a couple of years after they’ve skipped town to avoid Detective Rogers (its weird calling him that, I always knew him as Stevie, Bucky had said once) when Tony abruptly turns to Bucky and says “I want to join”

It wasn’t easy getting used to the fact that his husband had a body count of 44 (and climbing) but Bucky hadn’t lied

Everyone that he’d ever killed, deserved to die

Loan sharks, rapists, men who preyed on children, women who drugged old pensioners- every single person that Bucky had killed had been arrested but acquitted on a technicality

Tony had to quit his day job, and he wrote under an alias and posted the work to Pepper anonymously so she wouldn’t be implicated in any way; and he and Bucky were married in secret and their marriage certificate locked up- but it was worth it

Bucky was worth it

6 years on and Tony still loves him so fiercely he thinks he may die from it, which is why he says “I want to join”

Bucky looks up from where he’s meticulously cleaning the bullets of any fingerprints and holding them into his pistol, mouth hanging slightly open

Tony chuckles and presses his fingers to his husband’s chin; pushing his mouth closed and leaning in for a feather-light kiss

“You’ll catch flies that way, Buck” he says, before leaning back and spreading his hands out, “well?”

Bucky’s face scrunches up, “Why?”

Tony shrugs, “you get so, excited after a kill and I just, I wanna experience that. That rush you feel”

“Plus,” he says- slipping on some gloves and taking the pistol from Bucky, “I’m a crack shot”

He lifts the gun over Bucky’s head; closes his eyes, kisses Bucky- and shoots

Bucky breaks the kiss to look over his shoulder at where there’s a perfect hole though the hole of the woman in the painting and turns back to Tony with a wicked smile, “oh darling you’ve been holding out on me”

–

Tony’s standing over the dead body, gun still pointing at his forehead; when Bucky walks over

“Doll,” he says quietly, “doll we gotta move before the police arrive”

Tony turns to him with wide eyes, and when he shifts his Bucky’s arms- Bucky can feel his cock at half mast against his thighs

“You never told me it felt like that,” Tony whispers; his voice dropping to a rich baritone voice, “I mean- you talked about it, but I never realised it felt like that”

There’s something akin to awe in Tony’s voice, and he can’t seem to look away from the body strewn across the floor

Bucky has to hand it to him, he shot the guy directly between the eyes- and there’s barely any blood splatter

Bucky rocks his thigh against Tony’s cock slightly; grinning when he moans, “It feels good doesn’t it?”

Tony nods, bottom lip caught between his teeth

“Doll,” he whispers, “as much as I’d like to stay and help you take care of that here- we gotta skip before the cops get here”

“Stevie got way too close to catching me last time, and orange washes me out”

He holds his hand out for the gun, and Tony clicks on the safety and passes it over

He walks over to the bin in the corner of the room, “you shaved off the serial numbers right?” he calls over his shoulder

“I uh, burned them off with hydrochloric acid,” Bucky turns to look at Tony with raises eyebrows, “its a trick I learnt when I was shadowing the FBI. They can re-create shaved off serial numbers but not when they’re burned off. It’s how the IRA would get away with stolen guns back in the day”

“God I could kiss you right now,” Bucky says- stretching out his hand so Tony will take the hint and join him, “but that’ll just have to wait for when we’re back home”

Tony bypasses his hand and tucks himself under Bucky’s shoulder- grinning when Bucky’s hand slips back his shoulder to palm his ass

“Well then” Tony says, “we better get home fast”

Fin

–

tag list: @theavengays, @sleepyoldchild, @wintersoldierland, @wecollectnightmares, @starkwannabe, @nightwingingthis, @im-ironman

btw the tag list is still open if you wanna send me an ask and be added to it, you’ll be automatically tagged in everything i write!!

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bear-woopsgetbooped · 4 years

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Im at the mercy of my teachers for my exam reaults and Im at this point where im like ive been working at an AAB level theres no fucking way i can drop because i might be a dick stupid but i did my fucking work and always try in class and i always pushed but also theres a voice in me saying what if you dont deserve it youre a shitty student who only caught up in the tail end of your studies what if-

I just dont want to wait for august man and its freaking me the fuck out how everything basically boils down to predictors- my imposter syndrome is just skyrocketing all the fucking time. I miss school. I miss seeing peoples faces and i know its easter holidays but i cant help but feel like im being ripped apart from something i deserved

If my grades end up dropping i think ill actually just fucking break. I dont know if im good enough for my predictors and none of my teachers have reassured me. Maybe im bieng a crying whiny asshole who needs validation all the time when everyone is suffering but im sorry ive soent 4 fucking years having to claw my way up from D grades to As. Ive had to sit down for hours being watched and critiqued and pushed and "you got an award but you always get that onr. You need to get the better one next time." ive sat through lectures upon lectures of frustrated aighs of teachers staring at my work and saying its not good enough youre not trying, this iant working. I fucking pushed through and I have nothing left to hang on except that i "should" be fine.

I know there are students worst off who might never get the grades they deserve. And i know there are people sick and dying. I shouldn't be whining, but if i dont get this off my chest I will inevitably break in a way that i dont think I want to ever recover. My high functioning performance relied on seeing the ones i care for away from my house and being able to be someone else when Im on campus and I dont think ive spoken to the real me since school ended. Depressive episodes on the floor and hours of uncontrollable misery or mindless zombie zoning to video games have rendered me more worried of who I am and who'll ill be for the rest of this month. I talk to people on the phone and its like im fine but i cant sleep well ans eating is once again grossing me out and i just hate being what i am.

I know im being dramatic. But i havent been able to talk to my counsellor nor engage in the things that usually make me feel myself, like the good me. Sorry.

#personal #delete later #im so tired #im so so tired #im sorry to whoever dealt with me #sorry im rambling #a levels

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monstersandmaw · 5 years

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I'm about to spout a series of completely unrelated things, so I'm gonna put my little nickname at the end of each one lol. First off (this is random, but I enjoy telling you things cause you're so nice and supportive so sorry if its weird???) I'm nonbinary/gender-fluid (not sure which term I want to use yet), and when I came out to my mom and asked to get a binder so I could explore, she yelled at me for 2 hours straight. This was years ago, and now shes more open-minded (pt. 1) -BitterMnM

(Pt. 2) so I asked again if I could get a binder, and she said I can do whatever and she will support me (shes even getting me a suit for graduation!!!) But… after her yelling at me, I never researched how to get a binder, or anything like that, and I’m still afraid shes hate me if I got one (even if all that has been cleared up). So I figured a sports bra would work, and it does! And I’ve been using it at home, but today im going out into public and im nervous but excited. -BitterMnM

(Pt. 3) Second, I know you havent written anything for him yet (when it comes to romance), but Maro from Rhett’s story is SO CUTE and he kinds reminds me of my OC Damari. I’d love to draw Maro if you gave a description of him (or if it’s in the story already, I can go back and look on my own), and maybe even draw Dama as well to show you what I mean lol. -BitterMnM

(Pt. 4) aaand lastly, do/did you ever feel like you arent a true writer sometimes? I ask because I’ve taken advanced art class (it’s like majoring in college tbh) throughout middle and high school, and I feel like my peers have grown more than me. It makes me feel like i shouldnt call myself an artist. Do you have any advice for working around that feeling? I know I’m good, it’s just hard reminding myself of that, and my friend’s reassurance always sounds fake. -BitterMnM

(Pt. 5) not because they’re mean or I’m paranoid (for lack of a better word), but just because I’m so negative when it comes to myself. I shouldnt be, I know theres a reason I’m still in the art magnet (that’s what the classes are called), because I couldve been kicked out if I sucked or reached my full potential. But the feeling makes me not want to do art, and it is limiting me, and I hate it. Also, sorry for the long asks!!! >_

***********************

I’m sorry you didn’t get off to the best start about exploring your identity with your mum. I know it can be tough, but I’m glad she turned out a little more supportive in the end - I hope that only continues from hereon in. Sounds like a great idea with the sports bras! (As an aside, I wear sports bras pretty much all the time :D)

Maro’s description is probably in the story somewhere, but he’s kind of slim and elegant, with eternally boyish good looks and wild, curly pink hair. Since he’s a cherry blossom dryad, I imagine him as a soft, baby pink all over, and constantly with little cherry blossoms swirling around him. I’d love to see a drawing of him with your OC! I’m sure they’d get along and be good friends :).

As for not feeling like a true writer, yes, I’m sure a lot of people can identify with that whole ‘imposter/fraud’ feeling. For very many years I was ashamed or embarrassed about being a writer, and never told anyone that I wrote. I still don’t let the people who know me in real life read what I write (monster or otherwise), but now I’m very open about it. It was hard, and I felt very awkward about ‘admitting’ it, but now when someone asks me what I do, I say that I make jewellery, and that I’m a writer. Because I am. I write.

You are an artist because you create and you draw. Fact. You are an artist. Compare how you drew this time last year to how you draw now, and I bet you’ll be surprised at how far your art has evolved and developed. It’s hard to see that kind of change when you’re right in the middle of it all though, so take some time and be kind to yourself too. Being in an environment like a class is always hard because you have constant reminders that there are other people doing the same thing, but honestly, try and focus on your own progress. As you say, if you weren’t dedicated and good at what you do, they might have taken you to one side and said something. It’s also hard to enjoy what you have to do either for a living or for your college degree or whatever because there’s always that element of pressure. Maybe one weekend, take a sketch pad outside and just draw for yourself? That way you can lay claim to it again, and remind yourself of the joy of creating…?

Good luck with everything!!

#binder #bra #dryad #creative advice #being creative is really tough sometimes!#anon ask #ghosti speaks

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