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smlyds · 4 years

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Sam x Reader (stardew valley)

Dandelion

Chapter 3

The next day, I woke up in the early morning and planted my new seeds and watered my crops. I also noticed I had some mail. One was a fifty dollar check for some sap and fiber I sold the day before and a letter from the joja mart in the east side of the town. I put the money in my wallet and decided to go to the town again to see if anyone had posted a request. The walk was as peaceful as the day before with the morning light shining through the trees, the birds singing and the quiet patting of my feet in the soft dirt. When I reached the town, I looked at my watch and realized it was still really early, only 8:26. That meant nothing would be open for another half an hour. I sighed and continued to the bulletin board with the calendar and request section. On the requests, a small paper was pinned that said,

If it’s not too much trouble, I would like someone to bring me a Joja Cola after my shift at Joja Mart. I will give you 3 dollars. Bring it to me at my house around 2:30! Thanks!

-Sam

I took it down and took and put it in my journal, deciding to buy a cola from the saloon for him. I still had about 6 hours until then, though, so I decided to spend some time at the beach, which lay at the southern end of the town. I walked through the town square, then the small graveyard and to the bridge over the river that led to the beach. It was a very nice beach. A small cabin was built in one corner, where Elliot lived. The sunlight shimmered off the water as waves crashed against the sand. A fishing dock stretched into the ocean, and a small building was built and the far end of it. I walked around the beach and found some shells, which I placed in my backpack, then decided to see what the building was at the end of the dock. I walked down it, the old wood creaking and bending slightly under my weight, which made me uneasy. When I reached it, I opened the door to see a small fishing shop. It had bait, fish and fishing poles all over. At the end of the small room, behind a counter, a tall man with a gray beard and a red hat and jacket stood.

“Hello there! Yer’ new here aren’tcha?” He asked.

“Yes, I’m (y/n),” I said.

“Well I’m Willy. It’s good to meet’cha!” He said with a hearty laugh. “So, d’you have a fishin’ pole?”

“No, I can’t say I do,” I responded, hoping he wouldn’t try to convince me to buy one. I was really bad at refusing things, so I knew I would spend what little money I had on a fancy fishing pole if he suggested I do.

“I just got a nice fiberglass pole, so If you’d like, ya can have me old bamboo pole,” he said, picking up the bamboo fishing pole he had referred too.

“Oh, I would feel bad to take that,” I said, though I did want it.

“I don’t need it, so there’s no reason to feel bad,” he said, handing it to me, and J took it.

“Are you sure it’s alright?” I asked, to which he replied with a smile and a nod. “Okay! I guess I will go fish then!” I said, walking out the door. I then proceeded to fish until 2:10, getting tons of great catches I could sell, then left the beach and bought a Joja Cola to bring Sam. After buying it, I checked my watch and saw that it was 2:25, so I walked quickly to Sam’s house, and thoughtlessly knocked on the door, taking out the note with the request. Today, a young boy with reddish hair and brown eyes who seemed to be about 7 answered the door.

“Hello stranger!” he said.

“Hi! Is Sam here?” I asked the boy.

“Yeah, I will go get him,” the boy responded, going back into the house. A moment later Sam stepped out, and I felt myself get a little nervous.

“Hey there Farmer!” He said in a bright and cheery tone.

“U-um, hi,” I said awkwardly. “I saw your request on the bulletin board.” I said, handing him the Joja Cola.

“Oh, cool! I’ll go get my wallet,” he said, almost going back inside.

“You don’t need to pay me, it was only a dollar,” I said quickly.

“Well, on the request, I said I would, so I am going to stick to that,” he said with a smile.

“Well, then I will just use that 3 dollars to buy you a pizza or something,” I said stubbornly.

“Alright, then let’s get some pizza, on me.”

“Huh?”

“I will go get my wallet,” he said, smirking at me and going inside. After a moment, I processed what he had suggested and started to blush. He quickly came outside and said, “alright, let’s go to the Saloon!”

“A-alright,” I said, walking with him down the street and through the town square to the Saloon. “Also, let’s sit at the bar, because the chairs are tall and it’s more fun that way.”

I smiled at that suggestion, as I always felt the same way when picking where to sit.

“Thank you, for the pizza,” I said quietly, still blushing, but trying my best to hide it.

“No problem! This seemed like a good opportunity to make a new friend so I thought I should take it,” he said happily. He quickly ordered a pizza from the Saloon’s owner, Gus.

“So, have you lived here your whole life?” I asked in an attempt to make small talk.

“Nope, I moved here from Zuzu City about 6 years ago,” Sam said.

“Oh really? Do you prefer it here,” I asked curiously.

“I think I probably prefer the city. Things seem to move slower here. There are some nice things though,” he said, pausing before continuing. “I might move back to the city once I have enough money saved.”

“That makes sense. I guess the country isn’t for everyone,” I said, a little disappointed.

“Of course, that’s just a maybe right now. I might stay. Anyways, why did you move here?” Sam asked.

“I got tired of working an office job and remembered a letter my grandfather left me that he said to read when I was tired of modern life, and it had the will to the farm, so I decided to pack my bags and go,” I said, resting my chin on my hands.

“Wow! I wish I could do something as spontaneously as that,” he said, seeming amazed, which didn’t make sense to me. “I couldn’t do that though,” he said, looking a little sad.

“It hasn’t been all that great, so don’t worry to much about the idea of it. If anything, I wish I had planned more,” I said in response.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right! It does seem like it would be kind of stressful,” he said with a laugh, his mood restored. I smiled.

“Here’s your pizza!” Gus said, placing a medium sized pizza between the two of us with two small plates.

“Thanks Gus!” Sam said happily. “Pizza is my favorite,” he said, taking a slice. I got one as well and took a bite.

“Wow! That’s really good!” I said, taking another bite.

“Yeah! Gus’s pizza is the best,” he said, already having eaten half of his slice, sauce smeared on his lips. I let out a small giggle. He laughed and said, “Y’know, you’re a lot of fun! We should hang out more!” I blushed and continued eating my pizza. We spent the rest of the day talking about random things, and I learned a few things about Sam, like how his favorite color is blue, he plays guitar and sings, his favorite drink is Joja Cola and that he has a younger brother named Vincent.

I spent the remainder of the day in my room doodling and thinking about how much fun I’d had with Sam. I hoped we would be able to do something like that again. With that thought, I went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning, the sun shining through the window of my one room house. It felt so serene as I stood up from my bed, which loudly creaked in reaction. I spent the morning farming and weeding, only to remember I needed to meet Emily at 10:30 with only 15 minutes to make it to town. Panicked, I ran down the path to town and made it to her house on time, my breath uneven and shallow. I looked at my watch, which read 10:28, and knocked on the door. A girl with blonde hair answered.

“Who’re you?” She said in a rude tone.

“I’m (y/n),” I said, pausing to breathe. “I’m here to have tea with Emily.”

“Oh, okay I guess, come inside and I’ll get her.” I walked in and took my boots off, looking around. It was decorated normally, with a bookshelf, and a coffee table which was surrounded by a small couch and a chair. The blonde girl, who had failed to introduce herself, walked to another room and came back a moment later with Emily.

“Hello, (y/n)!” She said, smiling cheerfully, bright red lipstick lining her small lips. “Take a seat. Oh! What’s your favorite kind of tea?”

“Thank you, I like peppermint tea. I hope that’s alright,” I said, sitting on a yellow chair next to the coffee table.

“I like peppermint tea, so it won’t be an issue. Haley, would you mind making the tea? I wouldn’t want to leave (y/n) by herself to wait,” She said to the blonde girl.

“Fine,” she said, rolling her eyes and going back into the room she went to to get Emily.

“Sorry about her, she can be kind of rude. She’s my younger sister Haley, by the way,” Emily said, sitting on the small couch.

“She’s been fine, so it’s really no problem,” I said, feeling a little awkward.

“So, how are you liking Stardew Valley?” She asked.

“It’s nice here. Most of the people are very friendly, and farming has been a lot better than I expected,” I said in response.

“That’s good! We only moved here about 5 years ago,” She said.

“Oh really? Where did you move from?” I asked.

“Calico desert. It’s a lovely place,” She said, looking nostalgic.

“I’m sure it is,” I said. “I just moved from the city.”

“I can’t blame you for that. I’ve never liked the city. Too harmful to the environment,” She said in a serious tone, and Haley came in, setting out tea down. I quickly picked up my cup.

“That makes sense,” I said in response.

“Have you made any friends here yet,” Emily asked.

“Kind of,” I said, pausing for a moment. “Jodi is nice. I talked to her a bit. Also Sam is... nice,” I said, my cheeks warming as J looked into my tea. Emily giggled at me.

“I suppose you could say that. Sam is a good guy,” She said, smiling at me. I could feel my heart beat a little faster.

“Yeah. He got me pizza yesterday. It was so much fun,” I responded enthusiastically. Emily giggled again, and I started to take a sip of my tea.

“I hope I’m not overstepping any bounds, since we aren’t close friends or anything yet, but do you have a crush on Sam?” Hearing her words, I immediately choked on my tea and started blushing immensely . “Ah, sorry, are you okay?” Emily asked, sounding a bit worried. I coughed a few times.

“Y-yeah, I’m okay,” I said, though I was very embarrassed. “Also, your question was fine. I don’t think I have a crush on him, considering I barely know him,” I answered, but in that moment I knew I was lying through my teeth.

“Alrighty, if you say so,” Emily replied suspiciously. I could feel heat rising to my ears.

“Well, I have to go,” I said, downing my tea and setting the cup down. Emily laughed at me.

“Bye, then,” She said as I walked out of the door. I closed it behind me, closing my eyes to take a deep breath, only to be met by those gorgeous green eyes with blue and yellow specks. “S-Sam!” I shouted in surprise.

“Hey there, (y/n)!” He said cheerfully. I felt embarrassed knowing my face was still bright red. “Are you alright?”

“O-Oh, yeah, it’s just a bit hot,” I said, fanning myself, even though I thought it was very nice out.

“It is a bit hot. Anyway, I’m on my way to hang out with Abigail and Sebastian, so I gotta go! Bye, farmer,” He said happily, starting to jog away. I felt a pang of jealousy, wishing I could hang out with them too.

“Bye!” I said, giving him a weak wave.

“Don’t like him that way, huh?” I gasped, turning around to see Emily giggling at me.

“When did you come out here?” I asked, spooked from her sudden appearance.

“I have been here the whole time. You would’ve noticed if you weren’t so enraptured by Sam,” she said teasingly.

“I am not!” I said, lying to her once again.

“Alrighty. Just know, my door is always open if you wanna talk about it,” She said, ducking back into her house and closing the door. I blushed and decided to go home to collect my thoughts about the whole situation.

The walk home was long, and I felt uneasy the entire time. When I got home, I farmed and thought everything over, berating myself for getting a crush so easily on someone I didn’t even know. In the evening, I left the farm to go get something to eat from the saloon. When I arrived, the jukebox was playing a cheery tune. I sat at the bar and asked for some pancakes.

“You got it!” Gus said with enthusiasm, cooking them at a stove only a few feet away after handing me a small glass of water. I watched bubbles drift up from the side of the water in silence as I waited. “Y’know, I don’t know you, but you seem troubled.”

“How could you tell?” I asked.

“Running a saloon and seeing so many people makes it easy to read people’s moods,” Gus said, flipping a pancake. “If you don’t mind, can I ask what’s bothering you?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, just something dumb,” I said with a sigh.

“I know what it’s about!” Emily said, and I suddenly noticed her organizing wine bottles a few feet away.

“Emily?” I said in surprise.

“I work here, by the way,” she said.

“I figured,” I said in an accidentally rude tone.

“Well, if you don’t want to share, you don’t need to,” Gus said, handing me a plate of perfectly made pancakes.

“Thanks. These look amazing, by the way,” I said, taking a bite. “Mmm! Yummy!”

“Thanks! It’s taken years to perfect the art of the pancake,” he said in a serious tone. “Well, you seem to be okay again,” he said happily.

“Yeah, I feel much better than I did before,” I said, eating the pancakes faster, when the door opened with a creaking sound.

“Hey Gus!” A voice I recognized quite well said.

“Hey Sam,” Gus said in response, hearing Emily giggle at me in response the the redness suddenly coloring my cheeks. “What can I get you?”

“Could I get a Joja Cola?” He asked, sitting down next to me, giving me a quick wave.

“Of course!” Gus said, shooting me a glance, wondering what was wrong as he poured a glass of Joja Cola for Sam. “Are you okay? You’re kind of red?” He asked.

“Yeah, you were pretty red earlier, too,” Sam said.

“I-I’m fine!” I said quickly, looking at my glass of water.

“Are you sure? If you feel sick at all, you should go home,” Gus said.

“Really, I’m fine,” I said, and Emily laughed again.

“Yeah, she’s fine,” Emily said, smirking at me, and I glared at her.

“Well, okay then,” Gus said, looking a bit suspicious.

“It’s good you’re alright,” Sam said, smiling and taking a sip of the Joja cola. I took a deep breath.

“Yeah, it would suck if I got sick,” I said, looking at my pancakes to avoid eye contact. I knew if I looked him in the eyes, I would be blushing even more than I already was.

“I don’t mind getting sick too much,” he said. “When I’m sick I don’t have to work,” He laughed at the end.

“Oh, where do you work?” I asked curiously, taking a bite of my pancakes.

“I work at the Joja mart,” he said, and I found myself looking at him frowning.

“I worked at Joja in the city, the jobs there suck,” I responded.

“Really? You must like farming better,” he responded.

“Farming is so much better! It’s a lot of work but it doesn’t suck your soul out like Joja does,” I said, stopping in response to Sam’s laughter. He really had a nice laugh, and it made me happy that I caused it. My cheeks started to warm once more.

“You’re funny, (y/n)!” He said, drinking the last of his cola and handing Gus money for it. “I have to go, so I will talk to you later!” He waved goodbye and walked out of the saloon, and my cheeks were burning from the unexpected compliment.

Once the door closed, Gus said, “so you like Sam, then?”

“Is it really that obvious,” I asked.

“Yes,” Gus and Emily said in unison. I blushed and sighed.

“I really hope Sam can’t tell,” I said, stressfully eating my pancakes.

“He is kind of dense, so you don’t need to worry about that,” Gus said, and I giggled in response.

“That’s a relief,” I said, finishing up the pancakes. “Well, thanks for these! They were delicious.”

“No problem, and they’re on the house today,” He said with a kind smile.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course!” Gus said, taking my plate.

“Thank you so much! Have a good night, Gus, Emily,” I said happily, leaving the Saloon.

I walked home with a clearer head, and a good feeling in my heart.

#fanfic #samstardewvalley #stardewvalley #xreader #samxreader

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nerdgasrnz · 5 years

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Emergency Commissions streams!

Who?

It’s ya gurl, nerdgasmz! I’m a (almost 25yo) artist who works at a terrible, underpaying fast food job to make ends meet! I’m mostly known for doing 2D and 3D art: comics, character designs, animations, fan art, etc.

Why?

Due to some Bullshit™ between my Credit Union and I, I am missing a huge chunk of money after getting paid. Specifically: $124 in NSF fees for 4 separate purchases that total to $13.47 (Yeah.) I tried talking to them about it and they’ve already decided I’m not getting that money back.

What?

I am offering Speed Sketch emergency commissions!

When?

This Saturday and Sunday, June 1st & 2nd: From 3PM-8PM Central time!

How?

-$20 gets you a sketch of ONE character (waist up), in approximately 20 minutes, and you get to watch it live!

Example of a waist-up sketch:

-$30 gets you a sketch of TWO characters (waist up), in approximately 30 minutes. Great for art of your favorite pair of fictional friends, teammates, lovers, rivals, etc. Again, you get to watch me sketch these live!

Example with 2 characters:

(Will be streamed on youtube for ease of sharing on tumblr)

My target goal is 7 sketches, which means that 7 slots are available!

In return for my services, you will get a .PDF copy of our commission terms & correspondence, and a copy of your invoice and payment for your records.

Where?

On my Youtube channel!

(For ease of sharing on tumblr’s dashboard.)

Okay, sign me up!

If you’re interested, you can e-mail me: [email protected]

COMMISSION TERMS (REQUIRED READING) -These terms apply to May-June of 2019. -Limit ONE (1) Commission per person, until the existing commission is completed. -Visual Reference required with description. You can use a collection of google images, a tumblr post, doodles, character creators, etc. But you HAVE to have image refs.

-No mecha or anthro characters (Exception: “Sonic the Hedgehog” anthro characters) -No overly-complex armor/clothes. It is difficult (and expensive) to draw those things, especially with the constraints of the planned stream. -No NSFW, Fetish, Gore, or otherwise explicit artwork. No lolicon/shotacon/pedophilia for any romantic/ship art. -Transactions are non-refundable, and must be paid upon receiving a low-res preview of the final (hi-res) art. Transactions will be processed via Square Invoice and/or Streamlabs. Please check your finances and have your credit/debit card ready in advance for payment! -I, Lex Williams, reserve the right to refuse any commission (via e-mail and commission correspondence) for any reason not listed, and without additional explanation. -The art commissioned may be used personally by the commissioner (ie: posted to social media, colored, altered, etc.) -The art commissioned may NOT be redistributed or reproduced for profit. -I, Lex Williams, reserve my creative rights to the commissioned artworks produced.

I will update this post with any changes to my target goal as necessary, via reblogs or direct editing.

I can’t come to the stream/buy a commission, how else can I help?

-Signal boost this post! -Donate via Streamlabs!

-Donate via CashApp: $LexW (personal only, no business payments!!!) -Pledge monthly to my Patreon!

As always, thank you for your support!

#Commission(s)#Emergency Commissions

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not-close-to-straight · 6 years

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Spideypool Reminder for tomorrow 💚

Spideypool Headcanons!

These are just a few of my favorite personal Headcanons, and the ones I use when I write my Spideypool, or just the random things I believe about them and have incorporated into smaller stories lol

(Remember, my Spideypool uses Andrew Garfield/Ryan Reynolds, or the comics versions. Spideypool is never Tom Holland’s Spidey because of age issues)

**********************************

* Wade is Pansexual, and Peter is Bisexual. Even though they end up together in Spideypool, most of Peter’s ex’s are women and Wade will f*ck anyone that catches his eye.

*Wade is sort of permanently 30, and Peter is always around 22.

*Wade. Is. Massive. He is based off RR in my fics, but like, RR on steroids lol. He is massive.

*Peter is based of AG, but i usually write him smaller– same height, but slim and around 150 lbs.

*They both have a size kinks. Pet’s a twink, Wade’s a hunk. Peter drools over big muscles, Wade is out of his mind over how tiny Peter looks in his arms.

*Wade has never laughed harder than the time he tried to wrestle Peter down to tickle him, and Peter accidentally kicked him and sent Wade through two walls, a hallway, an outside wall and onto the street outside. Peter apologized for days, Wade was only half kidding about being turned on by it.

*Wade’s scars don’t bother Peter at all. At. All. His spidey-sense is less about vision and more about feel, and the texture of Wade’s skin feels incredible to Peter’s super sensitive fingers, vs regular skin that can be uncomfortably slick/ greasy from too much lotion.

*Peter keeps his hair longish because Wade likes to run his fingers through it.

*Wade is physically uncomfortable all the time because of his skin, in constant pain, and once they are dating, Peter goes out of his way to buy the softest towels and most soothing lotion to keep Wade as comfortable as possible.

*Neither one of them can really get drunk, but there is always beer in the house because it feels normal.

*The couch is the only thing they kept from Wade’s apartment because its insanely comfortable and Wade is too attached to let it go. The first time he and Peter hooked up was on the couch, and he refuses to leave

*Wade makes Peter wait a long time to meet Ellie, partly because he doesn’t want to frighten his boyfriend off by announcing that he has a kid, partly because he thinks Peter won’t believe him, because Ellie is gorgeous and can do no wrong, and Wade is a train wreck on his best days.

* Peter loves Ellie, but she only likes him because he makes her dad so happy. She thinks he isn’t really all that smart because the first time they played together, Peter made up an apparently awful story for her dolls and Ellie rolled her eyes hard enough that they sort of hurt.

*Wade thinks it is HILARIOUS to take cabs together in full costume/gear, and Peter always tips the driver extra for having to put up with them.

*Wade also likes public transportation, but he only takes it when he notices a young person traveling alone who looks vulnerable. Then Wade sits behind them with his arms folded and scares off anyone who might mess with the kid. Peter had to explain to him one day that WADE was probably scaring the kid, so now Peter sits with Wade too, because everyone knows Spidey is a good guy, even if Wade looks terrifying.

*Everyone thinks Wade is the insanely horny one, but he won’t ever initiate with Peter because even after being together for a long time, he is afraid Peter will wake up one morning and be disgusted by his body/ his past and walk away.

*Peter thinks that is absolute bullshit of course, and being a rather randy twenty something, is more than happy to initiate everything between them.

*Consent is a huge issue for Wade, and he asks every single time. He hasn’t shared what it is in his past that makes him need a verbal yes from Peter, but Peter doesn’t ask, and makes sure he is looking Wade in the eye and kisses him sweetly before emphatically saying YES.

*They switch back and forth in bed. Everyone assumes Wade is too dominant to be a bottom, but really he is more submissive than anyone would ever think, he just doesn’t trust anyone enough to try it. He trusts Pete though, and Peter is always perfectly loving and sweet when he takes Wade apart. Wade on the other hand, f*cks like a jackhammer if he gets carried away but Peter LOVES it. Wade is so sweet and tender everywhere else, that Peter loves when he lets loose in bed.

*The whole rooftop thing is patly because Peter can hear/sense everything better the higher he is, and partly because Wade likes to spit down on the ground and see if it lands on anyone. Peter punched him the first time he saw that, and now Wade doesn’t do it anymore, and just looks down at the people and pretends he’s God and controlling their lives. Peter just sighs and lets it happen.

* Wade called Spidey baby boy as a joke before they were dating and before they knew identities. After they were dating, Wade made the mistake of whistling at some cute bank robber and calling him “baby boy.” as in “baby boy, stop stealing, and start stripping! ill come see you!”

*Peter webbed him to a wall, snarled at him to never use his nickname for a criminal ever again and stalked off. It took Wade two hours to get free of the webs, twenty minutes to track down Peter, and two minutes to convince him that “baby boy is your name and your name alone and I will never take it in vain ever again, cross my heart and hope to die.”

* Speaking of nicknames, Wade has a whole slew of them he uses, and depending on how upset Peter is or how bad the day was, he will break out the more ridiculous ones just to make Peter smile. Schmoopsy Doodle is top tier nickname, always guaranteed to pull a smile from Peter, no matter how dramatic he is being.

* In ABO verse, Wade refers to Peter as Little Omega, and Peter calls Wade “Alpha, my Alpha.”

* Peter’s favorite place to sleep is on top of Wade, straddling his waist, head on his chest, fingers either curled in Wade’s shirt or looped around his neck. In ABO verse, he purrs like this and Alpha!Wade is helpless against the cuteness.

* Peter has zero money, and Wade has lots of (ill gotten) money that he never spends, so they spend money on random things like super expensive sheets, but then buy blankets at Walmart. Or Wade will order Juicy Couture sweatpants, and then rip them right off Peter because the juicy across the butt is too tempting, and then buy more the next week. Basically, they are the worst with money, and neither one cares.

* Dat. Booty. Wade is DEAD for Peter’s butt, whether its spandex clad, or in some skinny jeans, or wrapped in lace, or peeking out of baggy sweatpants or bright red from a little play-spanking…. dead for it all.

*Peter melts over Wade’s arms and thighs. Thick and BIG and thick and…. what was he thinking about again?

* Aunt May thinks Wade is adorable and always pats his cheek before offering him food. Wade would kill for the sweet woman, and the one time May got cut off and was in a car accident, Wade almost DID kill for her.

* Peter avoids social media like the plague, Wade is on tumblr and facebook for HOURS when he can be. Not only is it hilarious to look at what people post, but he is FASCINATED by the superhero fandom that has cropped up and he REALLY enjoys fan fics and fan art, especially of him, because its always super flattering.

*Neither one are Avengers, but Peter has a good relationship with the team and especially Tony Stark. Wade calls Tony Stark the Iron Dildo and gives zero (0) fucks about the rest of the team, except Clint, who has somehow never judged him or even looked at him weird. As a thank you, Wade learned sign language, and now he and Clint sign shit about everyone else when they are supposed to be fighting.

*Wade is more careful after they start dating, because he’s never thought twice about dying, but the first time Peter had to sit with his dead body and cried until he threw up, Wade promised Peter he would never die again. Now, even when he knows the cut will heal, he lets Peter stitch him up and kiss it better.

*The first time Peter got hurt, Wade kidnapped a doctor from the hospital to treat him. It was a sprained ankle. Peter was fine. Wade had to donate a chunk of money to the hospital to make up for scaring the doctor so badly.

*They dont celebrate birthdays, because every one is another one where Peter gets older and Wade doesn’t really age. Wade doesn’t like to think about Peter getting too old to do the hero thing, and secretly he’s afraid that when Peter hits his thirties, he will want a real life with someone normal who can give him kids and a house with a white picket fence. Peter doesn’t like to think about getting older because he knows one day he will probably die, and Wade will be left all alone and Peter knows being alone with break Wade, especially after so many years of being loved.

#spideypool #headcanon #mine #random #i love these dorks

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beautyinthediss0nance · 3 years

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Tales from the Ex-Crypt Vol. 4

Babysitting.. It's one of those things some of us are really good at, and something I am absolutely atrocious at. I am especially bad when that "babysitting" is directed at dating someone who is apparently a 5 year old in a 30 year olds body.

During the last "off" time prior to our permanent "off", my mother thought it would be a great idea to help me move on by paying for a 3 month membership to eHarmony. Let it just be said, I met three different guys on there, and they were all WAY crazier than on any other dating site I have ever used.

The first one was a successful business guy with an MBA and who thought he was hot shit with a BMW. We went on a very basic date, just a walk along one of the boardwalks in Toronto, I was living downtown actually in the city at the time. I did the faux pas of having him pick me up and drop me off at my apartment, but I met him outside and he never knew what floor or apartment I liv ed in. He played it super cool, we got along decently. Then he went out drinking with his buddies for a friends birthday, and blew my phone up while he was out. I was working until Midnight that night, it was pouring rain and I was looking forward to getting home. I had underground parking, so when I got home I entered the building from the underground. He had apparently ditched his buddies, and stood outside my building for over 45 minutes before I believed he was actually there. I felt bad, and went down to let him in. He came up to my apartment, we fooled around, no sex, he left. While he didn't ghost, he did text me the next day saying that he felt very guilty and as a Catholic, couldn't see me again. I have never been *dumped* per se for religious reasons, but there is always a first. That was mine (and only so far).

The next was someone who lived in Vancouver. He was a twin, who had gotten sober and been clean for a year and was just getting into dating. This one was interesting, because we chatted on webcam, voice programs, phone, and gamed together. When he arrived, I became 100% convinced I had been dealing with/talking to/dating his brother essentially. He was hopeless, and SO different.

He flew into Toronto for a five day visit. I picked him up at the airport, and initially he seemed alright. That was until we went to get some food. This man was apparently raised in a barn, he chewed with his mouth wide open, talked while chewing, loudly chewed and didn't know how to belch other than full on (no matter where we were, may I add). The day after he arrived, we drove to Montreal for a Habs vs Leafs hockey game - yeah yeah, how Canadian, I know - and he couldn't drive because his brother had lost his license to a DUI, so then used this dumbass's cuz they're identical twins, and lost HIS license to a DUI too. The amount of dumb is unfathomable. So I drove the whole distance myself. He had never seen bilingual signs, so asked what the French parts meant (which is all fine at this point). We get to the hotel, which was a very nice hotel, and check in. We go to our room, the drive took longer than planned, due to weather and stops so we got ready and walked to the game. There was a blizzard coming the next day so I woke up at 5 am and got ready to leave, he refused to get up and finally got him downstairs to check out and he was like "oh it actually is bad out" because on the 27th floor it didn't look like it was snowing nearly as much as seeing a foot accumulated. It took me 10.5 hours to drive home to Toronto. There were people spinning out and crashing all around us. I had to keep stopping to get the snow build up out of my wheel wells so I could steer (he never left the car other than to go to the bathroom when we'd stop). He also asked me what "ouest" (said ew-st) which is west in French, and then proceed to use a child's voice to say "OUEST!" every time he saw a sign, then poke me in the arm and say "VEE VEE!" which was how he referred to me, instead of 'baby'. After 10.5 hours of this, I wanted to murder the 6'5 fool.

We stopped at the grocery store on the way home, to get the fixings for tacos (who doesn't love taco night, am I right?). The store was 5 minutes from my house, and I was in the checkout when he said he had to go to the bathroom. I was like "we're 5 minutes from home, can't you wait?" but no.. so I got to stand there after purchasing my groceries for 30 minutes while he took a crap at the grocery store. When we got back to my apartment, he wanted to have a bath, so he went into the bathroom while I was making tacos. I can hear him giggling and a ton of splashing, so I go to check out wtf he's giggling at. He was in the tub making TIDAL WAVES with his legs, and had flooded my bathroom, while giggling like a maniac.

Now, it is REALLY hard to be sexually aroused by someone who legit acts like a toddler, so sex was not really something I was even interested in with him at this point. His only saving grace was having a great dick. The sex was not great, however.

The next day, we drove out to where I am from, to meet my best friend and her husband for dinner and a movie. We had some time to kill before our reservations, so we go into Best Buy to poke around. It is finally time to head to the restaurant, and he suddenly has to take a public shit again. I'm walking around like an idiot, waiting for this schmuck and what do I see? Him doodling on the employee white board, like a child. Who knows how long he'd been at it, but here we had people waiting, and he's in art class on a business white board.... We make it to the restaurant, late of course. I had texted my friend to let her know. It's a steakhouse, the Keg, and while we are all having a great dinner, he is chewing like a caveman and belching like he's at home in his underwear. It doesn't get much better when we make it to the movies, we go see I am Legend. Those super quiet points in the movie? Yeah, he waits for those and then does leg lifting farts that echo in the now silent theater, then proceeds to bust out his maniacal giggles.

By day five, when I finally get to drop him off at the airport, I was SO happy that daycare was finally over. I'm all down for a good time but I love MANLY men, and someone acting like a perpetual child definitely doesn't bring out the best in me, or my inner freak >.<

Every once in awhile, Facebook will recommend we might be friends, to which I have flashbacks and ignore the suggestion.

The third person I met was very mild, a personal trainer with severe ADHD who went slightly pyscho when I explained I really wasn't game for dating after experiencing bachelor #2 and needed a bit of a break, but didn't realize how badly he had affected me until I had gone out again. Dude LOST his mind, and I had to block him in every way possible.

Sometimes people go back to toxic ex's because they miss them, but at that point I'm pretty sure I did because he was predictable and safer than dating.

#talesfromtheexcrypts #vol 4 #eharmony #2008 #oh man that was a rough road trip #bachelor 1 #bachelor 2 #bachelor 3 #dating #save me

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