#and i have to ask myself if the money is even worth it at this point
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did my first enema (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)
i’ve never filled a diaper up this much before, especially in the back. i have to walk with such and awkward waddle!
it’s so stinky! my plastic pants are drying rn from the wash so i don’t even have anything to block the smell ):
being my first time, i let go a little too early, before i could fully pull my diaper snug, so i leaked out of one of the leg holes. poopy water is not fun to clean up
i’m so worried about leaking onto furniture and stuff that i put another diaper on top of my megamax. it looks ridiculous, it’s just a drugstore diaper with probably half the coverage of a megamax, so i can just see my poopy pack pamper spilling out the sides of my second diaper (〃ー〃)
i told myself i have to sit in it for at least an hour. i powdered and stuff so i shouldn’t have to worry about a rash, i just want to get my moneys worth and really remind myself that i’m in diapers 24/7 for the next three months (/へ＼*)
feel free to send me asks and tasks to do while i squish around in my mess!
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I've been having a terrible time with work for the past year or so, and I don't think I can take much more. Everything is in chaos and people act like it's my job to fix things or care. I'm at my physical limit and I'm just praying this new system will make it easier and I won't have to do much more manual labor. Like I'm genuinely concerned it may effect my ability to do taxidermy if this goes on much longer.
#I've had more and more hibernate in pain days recently#and i have to ask myself if the money is even worth it at this point#like I can't micromanage other people that get paid to do simple tasks#that are done wrong EVERY SINGLE TIME and i have to waste time fixing shit#jackal's journal#I'm the youngest employee at 30 and I work with hardly computer literate boomers#it's been hell
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i am gonna get myself a birthday gift and calculate things so well so that it arrives on the actual day of my birthday (bc i wont be able to do Fucking Anything that day so getting a Package will be nice)
#eli.txt#idk i might like not. go to my art lessons on my birthday and then go on saturday. or something#i would like to do Something on my birthday like on the actual day but who knows#anyway. the reason im gonna get This Thing myself instead of asking anyone for it is. its too expensive#i dont even wanna say how much it is but its something i really really want and have wanted for a While now and *i* think its worth it#but its not something i wanna ask someone else to spend money on yknow
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Thinking about how AI taking over the simpler calls at my last workplace was part of the reason why the job started to suck (the calls left are the more difficult/want to yell at you people, less staff on in general etc) and led to me quitting in a mental health/burnout breakdown.
But it's not art, it's one of the sucky things people say they DO want AI to replace without actually thinking about what that means for people.
And it's happening to more and more customer service jobs, so there's less of them out there, and the ones that are suck more etc.
#it wasn't even good ai#it got things wrong and frustrated people#but the bosses loved it bc it saved money in staff#while they weren't the ones being yelled at when it fucked up#idk what i'm doing next#it's been over 6 months and i've luckily had savings and live with family#but i've been telling myself i'll start applying for things again soon when there's things worth applying for#but there just isn't anything else out there#i keep having stress dreams about ending up back at there#and i know if i asked they'd probably take me#though most of the people i liked have moved on too#so it would suck even more#the world is depressing
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#its like every now and again i am brought down by a terrible loneliness and am forced to remind myself i have in fact more or less#been alone in some sense of the word for more than a few years now theres been such incredible lengths of my lived adulthood where ive#been to deal with everything on my plate entirely by myself for the most part. not to say that i have been like Alone ive kept busy and all#but sometimes i have to remind myself its been years and years since ive had what i would call even some kind of community. and its a#necessary pain to reflect that That is probably why routinely i am completely leveled by some loneliness. this goes of course without sayin#a lot of this is circumstance why i would maybe end up so alone but the reality is im often the only one who gets me im often the only ear#can open up to im often the only one there to catch myself slipping the only one there to take care of myself when im hurting or sick or#tired. and its not that i dont ask for help. something something circumstance where i dont get it from other people#hardly a thing worth stopping myself over but the moments where i have to pick myself up by my own bootstraps for the nth time completely i#the dark by myself its hard not to feel small. looked past. even though im really doing quite okay all things considered. still quite#unfortunately alone and equally isolated and drained of any energy to change this or get out and find community (if i had the space and#the time and the money of course dont forget about the money)#and at the deepest reaches of this feeling i can only see cosmically that this is what im supposed to be doing. to some strange effect that#I Am at least on the right path as tucked away small and hidden and invisible as this may make me feel. bc its never a hard contrast to mak#that if i did have the ability to truly embrace and make a change in that regard would i? would i do it right? could i keep it? where would#that take me? and of course the answer is in this state id just fumble it. and be right back here#when do i get to have that fire in my hands unequivocally where i may finally furiously rid myself of this isolation this loneliness either#forever or long enough to make the change from this lack of connection and community i truly have?
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i really shouldn’t be so regularly upset that its always so slow at work bc it gives me down time i guess but. im such an adhd freak i NEED to move and then on top of it. i NEED to smoke and i dont take smoke breaks and would probably get shit on hard if i asked for one. but its so hard to sit in a chair doing nothing for hours on end
#🍒#another reason the 4 hour workday should be implemented#when im sitting on my ass all day at work doing fucking nothing and then i get home and have no time to clean. or do my own work. or anythin#thats a huge fucking problem and it was a problem even when i was taking my adderall#like. youre asking me to hand over a huge chunk of my life. to sit on my ass all day. and then not be able to get much done for myself. kys#this job is scheduled so that its impossible for me to get used to it#im such a consecutive days off every week girl i cant fucking function without it#next week i have the weekend off but. i cant live like this anymore man its not worth a music store job#but idk what else id do. theres nothing that gives me this kindve money and time and energy after work to practice and be a person#sighs
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Scrolled to 2020 to try and update the file for Theo's birthday pic (HBD to him 💙) and that really was such a wonderful period for me in terms of drawing 🥲
#just wanted to update my signature but mobile app and browser don't work 🫠🫠🫠#le whiny text post#also the few asks I got back then were just stellar 🥲#it sucks that I don't feel the same joy and contentment when I draw anymore#idl PSA if anyone reads this far down my tags: never tell anyone they should draw: (1) just for fun. (2) for the success in their heart#(3) assume that they do not actually draw for themselves and proceed to tell them to not draw what fandoms want despite. like look at their#fucking body of work before you say something that presumptive and dismissive 🙄#(4) don't assume they are just* clout chasing. I lost my job in the middle of COVID and still had a whole year's worth of tuition to pay#in the middle of lockdown. so no money for anything including necessities. foolishly thought I might be good enough for comms#very very VERY foolishly put out a rhetorical Q on how to build a following. again my bad for assuming I'm good enough#and then was told indirectly that 'people conflate numbers with worth' and like yeah ok#but also I lost my job Jan 🫠#sometimes hyper positive 'encouragement' comes off so dismissive#and now (3 years later) I still can't even say what I draw is 'art.' I feel ashamed of sharing anything. I think everyone hates everything#draw (tho that is kind of a true fact with the gnshn fandom if we're talking art styles). I can't even call myself an 'aspiring artist'#I feel guilt and shame for wanting to have ever been one despite wanting to be one since I was a child and wanting to like open comms or#design prints and stickers and shit.#what they thought was 'encouraging' comes off dismissive. like getting scolded by your betters that you shouldn't aspire to have and do#the things that they have and do. and girl when I tell you it took a lifetime to get some of them to even acknowledge me 🫠#like hoping they thought of me as a peer but it sounds like I'm beneath them#and they are bigger fandom artists. all of them had either comms or something open and literally that's all I ever wanted. the other stuff#is clearly beyond me but idk. just sucks to hear bigger artists tell you to just be content to be the little nothing that you are and to no#aspire to achieve the things you want.#and I shouldn't let it get to but 3 years later and we have given up.#even lowering goals to just such small things and those can't even be achieved 👍#anyways HBD Theo. You gave up on the dream of being an artist. Me too 🤝💙🙃
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one day everything is gonna be better!
#the bin#maybe after i move i can get a therapist again. thatd be good.#its weird how worried i get over a lot of things and i dont wanna do them bc of potential negative affects or judgment from others#includibg people who i dislike. but then my response to half of my stress is considering suicide#i dont attempt it much now bc im lacking most methods. i used to a whole lot. and yet i get so concerned over comparatively little things#i worry abt the negative affects of dxm which i want to tey oit so i have a waybto feel better so i dont kill myself#yknow honestly. i think any negative affects it might have are a lot better than being dead. and i get woreied abt money and my sister being#weird abt how much weed i have (which isnt even that much) but it helps me not want to die so. like. those issues are small in comparison#i get worried abt the fact i cant feel better without getting high but like. my life DOES suck. i have a lot of reasons to feel awful#and literally no support from any people. its not good if getting high is the only thing that makes me not wanna kill myself but at least it#stops me from doing that. thats better than death! itd be nice uf i had a healthier solition but i dont#not getting high doesnt make me depressed. but im always depressed from other things and i have nobody to talk to at all and i wanna die#so whatever helps is worth it. i was very much so raised in a 'if this substance stops you from wnatibg to kill yourself then you have a#severe problem and you have to stop using it immediately' which is stupid. self medicating like this isnt great but its still a valid option#if i was able to tuen of the 'i want to die' at will then id do it but i cant and any distraction is a welcome one.#idk when ill see my sister next. hopefully next week. she beeds to stop by and get her card anyway. ill probably ask to bring some groceries#and edibles by when that happens. she gets super weird abt me and weed and it sucks. but thats a her problem. sbe doenst need to get it
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#the whole vet situation gives me such trauma whiplash im too busy with that that i havent really given myself a chance to process today#all i can think about is how painful eating must be for mischa#i noticed she slowed down a bit and wouldnt eat kibble or hard snacks but i thought it might be one single tooth ache idk#i actually thought she was doing better because she slowed down because she has been gulping down food way too fast since the shelter#the last time she had tooth problems like 2-3 years ago i asked a friend to come with me to the vet and she said omg yes of course#and then she resumed texting me normal stuff throughout the day of the appointment and only after i didnt reply the whole day she noticed#like 10 hours too late she was like OH SHIT HAHA!! and this is literally what happens every time when i ask someone to be there for me#when i make myself really vulnerable and ask for help and say that i cant do something alone they let me down#while knowing that i have no one else#i asked my mom to come to the vet once and she literally only talked about herself the whole time distracting me#and then she was like haha yeah lets just drop off the cat at home and go get some lunch hihi!!!!#she never remembers vet appointments even when we just talked about them and loves making fun of me for being stressed and tense#like OH NO WONDER YOU WERE MOODY like im on my period or something#i texted a friend about mischas health issues and me losing my job and she hasnt replied since january and doesnt really talk to me anymore#so i guess that friendship is done too#ill have to go there on thursday alone and overdraft my account and wait until the evening and care for mischa all alone#i cant even talk with someone about this because no one understands or judges my emotions and no one cares anyway#and then ill have to go back to work where everyone knows that i will be gone soon and will pester me about it#they all think of me as a temporary intern anyway and ask WHEN WILL YOU GO FIND A REAL JOB while they make me do theirs#everything and everyone at that job is so horrible and so many people leave and they never learn#a colleague i helped teaching everything suddenly turned on me &my other colleague & made our lives miserable while badmouthing us viciously#and everyone in the office chose her over us and let her get away with it while she screamed at us and behaved like a child#its so ironic how i stayed because i needed money to live and now when i go i will have 0 because of the surgery#i mean its worth it but like#what the fuck is life and what will it fucking be next month
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anyone else ever remember how they are gonna end up in some dead end soul sucking job instead of the actual career they wanna pursue because they are far too unskilled for it. just me. awesome.
#sometimes i get a twinge of hope bc my classmates will say nice things and then i remember the reality that exists and is real.#where i just suck. i lack so much technical skill. i feel like i have to reteach myself how to draw constantly. my style is not distinct.#it looks like the quality of a middle schooler's sketchbook where it's a drawing they're proud of but in comparison to anything else#it is just garbage. utter garbage.#i have been in such a horrific slump of feeling about what i make. and i tell my therapist about it. and he never ever actually reassures m#doesnt tell me to maybe ask if im being unfair in my standards. or says i should have some more compassion towards myself.#or finds it an issue in regards to my generally low self esteem. im so fucking tired of being told well. you can always go back to school#to pursue something else after wasting all your fucking time on this stupid fucking degree that will get you nowhere!#i feel hopeless! so utterly fucking hopeless! it doesnt matter when my peers with more skill than me say they like my work bc im positive#they are just being nice. i cant imagine you look at your work and then mine and still find it good and having worth. i cant.#i cant make anything good. im so tired of not being able to make anything good. im tired of not being able to have the motivation to do wor#in my own time to help improve my work because im too fucking tired because im too fucking depressed to do anything. im a failure.#im literally watching myself become a failure in real time and i cant stand it some days. genuinely what a waste.#i dont know what gave me the right to think i could possibly succeed at this. i feel like an idiot for wasting so much time and money.#im not saying this to seek pity or comfort either. im just talking about how i feel. because it just sucks. it just sucks#it sucks to know you will never make it. because even on the days you think maybe you can. it just comes crashing down again to remembering#oh. i wont. because i have none of what it takes for it at all.#man. what even ever at this point. who cares. i'll get over it. it just sucks.#vent.txt
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with regards to recent events,
dashboard unfucker will no longer be actively maintained, and the development of the Dashboard Plus extension is being shelved, along with all of my unpublished work for XKit Rewritten.
despite the fact that tumblr as a website is largely propped up by LGBTQ+ content creators, many of whom are trans women, the way this website has treated and continues to treat trans women is utterly disgusting.
from the harassment trans women face from this site's users, many of whom claim to be trans allies or are even trans themselves, to transphobic moderators targeting trans women and selling bans for money, all the way to the CEO of the website directly confronting a trans woman and threatening legal action against her for inactionable threats, tumblr has made it clear that it is by no means the queerest place on earth.
some of my trans sisters may remain on tumblr, even when faced with constant vitriol. i am deeply proud of them and their visibility in the face of hostility, however after seeing recent events unfold, and after being directly confronted by tumblr's CEO himself in a digusting display of indifference, i myself have decided to move onto better pursuits for the larger part. tumblr no longer holds the same shine for me that it did five years ago, and i can no longer justify spending hours of my time every week pouring more work and love into this site than any member of staff ever did.
i thank you all for the support you've given me in the past 8 months, whether through donations, contributions to the script, or even just sending me a kind message. i would ask that you show the same generosity and kindness to other trans girls in my absence, and especially to those who don't code, or write stories, or draw art. every trans girl is valuable, and their worth is more than any arbitrary set of talents. and a little love can go a long way.
yours truly,
dragongirlsnout
cohost
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🫠
#I'm nearly 30 and i still act like a kid#when does that change#when do i feel and act like an adult?#i think maybe thats part of what's holding me back#I'm a better friend than relationship material because i dont think im seen like that#i keep trying to change myself based on how i want other people to perceive me#and in that am i losing myself?#i wish i was think and confident and oozing charisma#thats what people are attracted to#not...an overweight nightmare who has too many emotions and too much trauma#i know I'm like attractive to some people but i dont think im attractive to the people im attracted to#and for some reason that makes me feel sick to my stomach and makes me vvvvvv sad#i have therapy on monday and shes going to ask me about my self worth and my feelings of self love#and shes going to tell me not to equate how much i love myself to how much love other people give me#and i could be my own therapist bc i know what shes going to say and i could save my money#i only started therapy bc i wanted adderall#and she doesnt even diagnose people w adhd even though she agrees i have it#personal#the void#im fucking tired
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You need more free art.
I quit my job yesterday. Well, actually I quit my job eight weeks ago, but they finally released me yesterday for good behaviour. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do - but I do it for the wrong reasons. Working for major charities, you learn very fast that 'I want to make the world a better place' is a phrase you use to ask people for money, not to give them things. I was an ass-backwards fit for that world.
You need more free art. I need more free art. Everyone has felt the shift in our media landscape over the last ten years, away from access and towards nickel-and-diming the human experience. That lack of access is making life and culture worse for all of us, across the board. Paywalled news sites leave us less informed, attacks on the Internet Archive leave us less capable of research. Algorithmic social feeds and streaming walled gardens trap us inside smaller and smaller demographic bubbles, where we are increasingly only likely to encounter ideas that have been curated for us by marketing departments. Hasty efforts to resist AI commodification have only led to more artists locking their work away and calling for even more onerous systems of copyright law. This is not good for us.
We all need more free art.
So what am I going to do about it?
This is a question I have been asking myself for years. It's easy to sit here feeilng frustrated and thinking 'boy I hope SOMEONE does SOMETHING'. It's harder to take action in a world where I still have rent to pay. But hard doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes hard just means time-consuming, frustrating and slow. And sometimes it's worth doing something time-consuming, frustrating and slow because...I want to make the world a better place.
I'm going to do this:
1. From April 1st, I am relaunching as a freelance writer and editor.
This is the one that will (hopefully) help to pay the bills. I am a very good and experienced editor. I've worked on hollywood movies, I'm a member of the Chartered Institute of Editors and Proofreaders, I have clients who have been coming to me exclusively for more than 10 years.
Alongside bigger contract jobs, I am going to refocus on offering my services to small-press creators at a reduced rate. That means you, graphic novelists. That means you, itch and amazon writers. I want to help you develop your work, the same way I help large organisations. You can learn more about what an editor even does and what kind of pricing you can expect here.
2. I'm also going to start giving shit away. Like, constantly.
Next week I'm going to launch a new free shop. If you're unfamiliar, a free shop, giveaway shop, swap shop, etc. is an anarchist tradition of setting up a storefront where anyone can take what they like for no cost. Offline, this often means second-hand clothes, tools, furniture, food etc. Online, I am going to be giving away digital art. Copyright-free, no strings attached. It will (eventually) feature everything from print-res posters to zines, poems, tattoo flash, t-shirt designs and anything else we come up with.
Yes, I said 'we' - while this is a curated collection, it will feature work from a variety of credited and anonymous artists and activists, all of whom have agreed to give their work away to the public domain. Some of it will be practical, some of it will be political, but a lot of it will be decorative or personal. This is, in part, a response to recent difficulty I had finding somewhere that would print a one-off joke poster for a friend that featured the word 'faggot'. Enough. No middlemen - no explaining ourselves. Just print our shit and enjoy it.
I'm very, very excited about this project. I'll have more to say about it closer to the launch, but you can expect it to go live on March 27th.
2.2 I forgot to mention the ACTUAL LAUNCH GIVEAWAY
To celebrate my launch, I am going to be giving away a ton of physical prints. When I went looking for my old stock to see if it was worth setting a new (paid) storefront up, I realised I had way more old work in storage than I thought. This will be announced in its own right on Monday, but this is why I've been hinting you should go follow my Patreon.
On April 1st, I will pick 8 random patrons (from across all tiers including non-paying followers!) and mail them a bundle of assorted prints and postcards. The prize pool includes A3 and A4 posters, packs of A6 postcards, and printed minicomics that I've previously sold for up to £12 each.
You don't have to be a paying subscriber to enter - this is strictly no-purchase necessary. It is purely and entirely a celebration of the concept of GIVING ART AWAY FOR FREE.
3. PORN, YOU PERVERTS
Because I still have to pay to stay alive, I am going to be subsidising all this free art with the introduction of Fuck You Fridays. Starting from March 29th, I will drop a new 18+ short story on the last Friday of every month, over on itch.io (yes I know my page is desolate right now, don't worry I'll get there).
The first edition, Go Fuck Yourself, is about, well - telling your boss where to stick it. Julia has had it with her millionaire man-child manager, and is just about ready to let him know what she really thinks. It's a short and steamy 5k words, with a gorgeous cover illustration by @taylor-titmouse, and you can pick it up for $3 starting from March 29th.
4. ANOTHER BIG SURPRISE
I'm keeping this one under wraps for now, but April 1st will also play host to one more (FREE) launch. If you've been following me for a long time, you might remember the other significance of this date (no not April Fool's day, though that is certainly thematically relevant to this entire effort). That's all I'll say right now. Watch this space.
tl;dr: I'm sick of paywalls and career ladders. I'm literally putting my money where my mouth is. More free art for everyone and I'm not kidding around!!!
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disabled trans woman needs help staying housed!
i know you are probably sick of me asking for help but none of the costs stop accumulating even when I don't have a job. I am putting hours a day into applying for jobs and still have not received any offers besides one that got retracted on the day i was supposed to start. this job search has been killing me and my options are limited due to a disability that makes things like climbing and lifting almost impossible for me. i have looked into ssdi disability but the process is currently unbearably slow and i keep getting denied no matter what i do. now that another month is ending i'm due up to pay back an automatic installment on a shitty loan i took out to escape an abusive environment AND rent is going to be due. i am asking for a larger amount than i would ever feel comfortable asking for. i am really hoping to get a job offer by mid april so i don't have to do this shit again. i am sorry for being so desperate and needy. i really need a lot of help getting by right now. this is my only support system. my family no longer supports me and i am mostly left to fend for myself.
anything and everything will help. i just don't wanna be homeless again. i'm doing everything in my power to prevent it but no amount of piecemeal gig work or minuscule music sale proceeds is enough to get me more than a couple days worth of groceries and gas in my car. please help and share. whatever you can do i deeply appreciate you. i will remember you forever. thank you
20/1200
links:
bandcamp link (buy my music directly! Material exchange for your money!~)
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hmm.
#ack. i wanna but a scale so bad but idk how much money i have rn#well at least since im restricting again ill have more money since i dont spend it all on food#wish i could get a job but id have to walk to it and i cant in the weather so im gonna wait till spring or summer#might wait till i turn 18 bc ill have way more options so i might aswell. its only like 2 months off from when i could even get one at all#hmmm. ill have to ask my mom to tell me how much is on my card bc i cant check it myself. im kinda regretting letting my sister not pay me#back immediately for $30 bc then i could buy a scale rn but she doesnt have much rn so whatever#going another month without a scale wont kill me. for the majority of the time before i recoved it didnt have a scale so whatever#but i remember feeling so awful not even knowing if the pain i put myself through did anything so idk if its worth that#i fall ever enough as is with my pots so idk if i wanna add starvation to tye mix when i cant even see the numbers drop#well. ill find out how much i have today and if i have a fair bit then ill buy one soon but if not then ill just cry ig#idk. i feel stupid for relapsing. i KNOW.it feels terrible and i dont even care much about getting skinny. i just miss starving myself#its not about getting skinny its just about seeing the number go down and hurting myself and i know it doesnt actually feel good but like#idk. my life has felt chaotic and out of control recently and i need something to hold on to even if it kills me#i dont even wanna die anymore either. i used to but now i dont. i have life plans that i wanna pursue. im not stuck in a moldy house with#people who abuse me. i live with my only friend in a place where i can actually go places. not many places but theres at least something#idk. i think itd be easier to be ok if i had other friends but i just have my sister. i dont even know how or where you meet people#everything i read either says scool for minors or bars for adults which is useless to me. the only others things are things not around me#idk. i guess ill have to get a car eventually and when i do that then i can go places. i feel so bleh lately#i just. i wanna be sickly and skinny. not bc i think im ugly but bc i wanna be sick. i dont dislike my appearance. im relatively thin#not that it matters bc theres nothing wrong with being fat but like. idk. i used to hate my appearance so much but i dont now#so it feels so weird that im relapsing anyway#idk
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#i don't believe that anything i want matters#i know it should matter and i should believe it and logically it makes sense to me but I just don't know how to believe it#i believe that what other people want matters! even if they only want it a little#if someone tells me they want something and i can do it i will!#but if no one asks me for it i usually don't#because even if I know that someone wants to connect with me#it doesn't have to be with me *specifically*#and I'm really bad at connecting with people. I haven't really managed it in a long time#so their chances would be better with someone else#and i know that's frustrating! and tragic and it would make other people angry or sad!#but I don't know how to make someone happy in spite of that#so it's better for everyone if they never find out#the problem is that i believe i'm worth *something*#so i have to live my own life#but i can't do that by myself. i have to interact with other people#i have to have money and resources and places i can go when i need help#but when i think about approaching anyone#naturally i hesitate. i know i'm a burden. i know they don't need me. i know that even if they would want me#it's not me *specifically*. they'd probably be happier with someone else#so why is it worth risking me hurting them? how could i do that to someone? because i want to?#WELL WHAT I WANT DOESN'T. MATTER.
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