#and get weird and think we're fucking again
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Part 6: Leaps of Faith
Masterlist - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5
I hope that you catch me, cause I'm already falling (you put your arms around me and I'm home)
(In which a writer who can see the end approaching starts building towards that ending)
Pairing: Paige Bueckers X Azzi Fudd
Themes: Angst and Fluff
Words: 8.0K
TW: Swearing, Alludes to Sexual Content
A/N: Good evening my lovelies <3. Happy Sunday and Happy Mothers day! First of all, I wanna thank y'all for being ever so patient with me. I know I've been pretty bad about updating lately and y'all have been so sweet with your asks and I really appreciate it. This fic is very close to its end. I probably could have ended it with this chapter but there's a very specific ending I want to write so this one is more of a self-indulgent filler but I think y'all will like this one. There will be one more chapter and then an epilogue of sorts. Once again, there are most likely logistical inaccuracies. I'm not even gonna lie, the editing on this one is shoddy so there are definitely grammar errors/typos. For now, ignore them and I'll go fix them later. As always, even if we're near the end, feel free let me know what you liked, what you didn't and anything you'd like to see before we get to the end. Have a wonderful week my angels <3
April 2024
“It’s a little early for ice cream hon,” Azzi jumps at the sound of her mother’s voice, startled eyes following the direction of the noise to find Katie leaning against the kitchen door, with a raised eyebrow.
“It’s a little early to scare the living bejesus out of me mom,” she says with a hand to her chest.
If possible, Katie’s eyes roll even further at her daughter’s sarcastic tone as she makes her way over to the kitchen counter. She’s gotten herself a spoon and everything, ready to steal some ice cream for herself, when she notices the flavour. Next to her, Azzi stiffens.
“You hate mint chocolate chip Az,” Katie says quietly.
“I couldn’t find the strawberry ice cream,” Azzi defends stubbornly, her face taking on a guarded expression.
Katie walks over to the freezer, opening it and pointing at the strawberry ice cream, Azzi’s favourite, that’s sitting in plain sight, “it’s right there.”
“Well,” Azzi splutters, “I’m trying something new,”.
“You hate trying new things.”
“I’ve grown up I guess.”
“Azzi.”
“Mom.”
“Azzi, why are you eating ice cream you hate at 4 in the morning?” Katie finally asks in her best mom voice, sighing when she gets a mumbled response from her daughter, “in words Az, please.”
“Paige likes it,” Azzi admits slowly, and before Katie can say anything, before Azzi can dwell on what she’s said, she launches into a rant, “god knows why. Actually I know why because she’s stupid and weird and likes the dumbest shit. Who the fuck likes mint? Who the fuck likes mint and chocolate together? Gross. This shit is disgusting. It tastes all wrong. Paige is just-,” Azzi throws her hands up in the air, “she just doesn’t understand that some things don’t belong together. They can’t. They’re too different and it just- there’s a fucking balance to things you know? And she just- she doesn’t get that. It’s just- it’s not meant to be.”
“That doesn’t explain why you’re eating it right now,” Katie says carefully.
“Because I miss her,” the truth bursts out of Azzi like an erupting volcano, burning itself into every crevice of her skin, “because for some fucking reason I don’t hate the taste of mint chocolate chip. Because maybe they do go together and maybe I’ve been the stupid one this whole time.”
Since she’d stepped out of the hotel in Cleveland, all Azzi could think about was going back, saying fuck it to all the useless logic she’d come up with and going back to the only thing in her life that had ever made sense her Paige. But as it often did in that clichéd battle between head and heart, her head had won out. And she’s never questioned why her head wins so much, why she’s always chosen to listen to the practical side of her brain, until now. Until now when the urge to turn back time, to make herself stay in that hotel room, is all that’s consumed her for the last week.
“Azzi,” Katie wraps her arms around the younger girl, “what happened with you and Paige?”
Azzi hesitates for a second and then everything’s spilling out of her lips, the good, the bad, the inbetween, all of it tumbles out like an uncontrollable waterfall. There’s something freeing about being able to say it all out loud, something freeing about the tears Azzi finally lets roll down her cheeks. She grips the edge of the counter to keep herself from keeling over, starting to feel herself crumble under the heaviness of all these stupid feelings.
“It shouldn’t be this hard,” Azzi whispers, “we used to be so easy.”
“Oh Az,” Katie rubs a thumb against her daughter’s cheek, “you used to be kids. You’re all grown up now. It’s always harder when you’re older.”
“Well, I don’t like it. I just want to be the way we were again.”
“So why don’t you?” Katie asks like it’s the most simple solution in the world and Azzi shoots her mother an exasperated look.
“What do you mean? How do we even do that? We can’t be just friends again. We tried. Were you not listening at all?”
“Azzi, sweetheart, you’ve never been just friends.”
“That’s not true,” it’s a futile attempt at arguing against what’s become more of a fact than an opinion in Azzi’s life. It’s a truth she’d let herself acknowledge once and then buried deep within her, scared that once unleashed, it would ruin everything. Except, it turns out, even without it, things had still turned to dust.
“Do you remember when you came home from Minnesota that first summer with Paige? You were either moping around or you were on call with her. There was no in between. It got better eventually, the moping stopped but the calls? I think you fell asleep on facetime with her almost every night. And you were tired every morning after, you barely had time to eat before school but every time I suggested that maybe you cut back, that was never an option,” Katie smiles fondly, “it’s when I knew.”
Azzi does remember, remembers talking about everything and nothing, remembers laughing and crying, remembers when Paige’s breathing was the only lullaby that could relax her into sleeping. And she remembers battling with that voice in her head, the one convinced there’s something more, silencing it with I’d do this with anyone. But that wasn’t true then and it’s not true now because Paige has never been just anyone, never been just a friend. Because even if Azzi’s never been brave enough to say it out loud, Paige is and has always been everything.
Despite knowing the answer and maybe dreading it just a little bit, Azzi asks it to her mom anyway, “what did you know?”
“That she was your person. You were too young, I couldn’t call it love just yet but I knew Paige was different then, she was yours in a way none of your other friends were. You were different around her,” Katie nudges her daughter, “Azzi you’ve always been just a little bit in love with her and she’s always been just a little bit in love with you too. The two of you have just been a matter of time.”
Azzi closes her eyes, and unlike other people, she doesn’t see darkness or little spots of light, she just sees Paige. Her mother’s words wash over her, like acid in her self-inflicted fight the feelings wounds and yet, the idea of she’s loved me too feels like a band-aid being delicately placed on the scars of her heart.
“And place,” she whispers, eyes still closed, “we never seem to get time and place right.”
“Why do you need to?”
Another exasperated look is sent Katie’s way at that question, “we live on different sides of the country mom, what do you mean why do we need to?”
“I mean the two of you have barely ever been in the same place. But you made it work, when you had even less, when you felt even less. But you’re adults now. You have other resources now. And I know timing is difficult but- it’s you and Paige. What are you so scared of Azzi?”
Azzi sucks in a deep breath, “what if Paige runs away again?”
“What if you run away again?”
“Excuse me?”
“Who was the last person to walk away, Azzi?,” Katie sighs when Azzi is adamantly silent, “I know she hurt you by leaving. I know she hurt you by pushing you away. But you did the same thing. You chose UCLA,” Katie holds up a hand when a frustrated Azzi tries to interrupt, “and it was the right decision for you Azzi and she should have supported it. But that doesn’t meant you didn’t hurt her and then you chose Zoe-”
“I didn’t choose Zoe-”
“Yes you did Azzi. Sweetheart you’re my daughter and I will always tell you the complete truth even if it’s not what you wanna hear. And the truth Azzi is that Paige might have hurt you in 101 different ways but that doesn’t mean you didn’t hurt her back in 99 different ways too.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Azzi whispers, “that’s the problem mom. It hurts when she hurts me but it hurts even more when I hurt her. I don’t want that for us but I just- I just don’t know how to stop it without stopping us.”
“You haven’t even tried, baby. Paige held out a hand and you ran away.”
“She left first. How am I supposed to trust that she won’t just do that again," all that’s missing from Azzi’s stubborn whine is a foot stomp.
“Because she came back. It took her a little bit, I know, but she came back and she’s ready to fight, the question is, are you?”
“Why are you defending her?” Azzi splutters, “who’s side are you even on?”
“There are no sides to this sweetheart. The two of you are on the same side. So maybe instead of fighting against her, take that hand, fight with her.”
***
The WNBA draft is a momentous occasion this year. With a hyped draft class like no other, and the promise of even greater ones in the future, there’s a sense of celebratory hope dangling in the air. When the invite had first come in, Azzi had known the same one would be sent to a certain blonde in Connecticut as well. And a part of her had wanted to hide herself away from that possible collision, but every other part of her wanted nothing more than to get just a glimpse of the blonde.
One moment Azzi is surrounded by flashing cameras and the echo of her name on everyone’s lips, the next everything around her is fading away her eyes meet Paige’s on the other end of the WNBA draft orange carpet. It’s nothing new really. Since she’s met her, the blonde has commandeered all of Azzi’s attention whenever she’s nearby. Sometimes it feels like all of her other five senses fade away to give birth to a secret sixth one, one that’s solely dedicated to Paige, one that’s terrifyingly all-consuming. And yet, despite the heaviness of we’ve said too many goodbyes, for the first time in what feels like eternity, Azzi feels like she can finally breathe.
And then Paige looks away.
And Azzi’s back to struggling for air.
It’s selfish of her, she knows, to expect something, not when she’d been the one to leave them stranded on different islands. But Azzi doesn’t seem to think logically when it comes to Paige and even as she tries to turn her focus back to posing for the camera, every inch of her body is dangerously aware of the blonde’s every move, just a mere few feet away from her. Her conversation with her mother is echoing in her head, giving rise to dangerous desires of what if i grabbed your hand and we ran away together.
Paige is a natural on the orange carpet, all dazzling smiles and twinkling eyes. She glides through it, inching closer and closer to Azzi, but never giving away any sense of discomfort. And if it was anybody else, maybe they’d never catch onto the nerves hidden beneath Paige’s facade of calm, cool and collected. But once upon a time Paige used to be Azzi’s favourite puzzle and she has every part of the blonde committed to memory. It’s in the way Paige’s teeth gnaw at her lips for the briefest of seconds, in the way her right index finger is begging to tap a beat against where her hands rests on hips, in the way she’s blinking just one too many times.
And then with one more heavy footed step from Paige, the distance between them is barely a couple inches and they let out identical breaths of air, both of them keeping their focus on the cameras in front of them. It’s loud, too loud, and still all Azzi can focus on is the sound of Paige breathing. The air around them is thick with tension. It feels a bit like they’re silhouetted against a sky made of words they’ve left unsaid and clouds of all the bitter mistakes they’ve made are hanging over their heads. And when their pinkies brush together, and a jolt of electricity sends shivers of I miss you more every day again her skin, Azzi questions if she’s ever made the right decision when it comes to Paige.
“Wait wait wait,” Ari cuts in, as she squeezes herself in between the two of them, “I wanna get in between the two of you.”
A harsh cry of no sits heavily on the top of Azzi’s tongue as the older woman forces a break in whatever little bit of contact she’d had with Paige. She feels a little pathetic, the way every little inch of her skin is craving for that touch back. It had been nothing, a barely there moment and still Azzi thinks, when she goes to bed tonight, if that was all she’d get of Paige, then it’ll be the only thing that’ll feature in her dreams.
“Alright one with just Paige and Azzi,” Ari directs the media, stepping out of the way and pushing the two younger girls together. And it’s laughable that a little brush of their pinkies had Azzi feeling any type of way because when they’re suddenly pressed together, every inch of Paige’s side fitting into Azzi’s like it belongs, the way the world suddenly bursts with light and colours makes Azzi wonder if every moment without Paige has simply been monochrome.
It comes to them naturally how to pose together, arms winding around each other’s waist, heads involuntarily leaning against the other’s. And the smiles might be for the cameras but Azzi knows hers is the most real it’s been all night. It might be temporary, she might lose Paige in the chaos, but for now Paige is here and Azzi has learned how to be content with whatever little she can get.
As the media moves to capture other people, the logical thing to do would be to separate, to let go of each other. But instead they stand there, still completely wrapped around each other, heart rates in sync as they breathe in each other’s presence. And then Paige’s hand falls from the small of Azzi’s back to tangle their fingers together and they let out identical sighs of relief, something so cathartic in the purposefulness of that touch. Everyone is too busy to notice that the two of them have fallen into a whole other world, one where there’s only two of them and every emotion that they’ve only reserved for the other. There’s no words exchanged as Paige guides the two of them out of the spotlight, somehow keeping their hands clasped together in secret, despite the ever growing crowd. And Azzi doesn’t know this building at all, doesn’t have the faintest clue where she’s being led to, but as long as it’s Paige pulling her along, she doesn’t care where, she thinks she’d go anywhere.
Paige stops abruptly in a secluded corridor, turning to fully face Azzi. And the sincerity in the blonde’s crystalline blue eyes, as they roam every inch of Azzi’s body before coming to fixate on her face, steals the air away from Azzi’s lungs. Paige has gotten better over the years at building walls, but with every new lock she places on her emotions, there’s a key to open them that seems to always find its way to Azzi. In the delicate golden hue, Paige shines brighter than any star ever could and in the dim light Azzi can make out every bit of hurt and love and please can we just have this moment that Paige can’t put into words.
“Hi,” Azzi whispers softly, hands itching to reach out and caress Paige’s skin.
“Hi,” Paige says back, even quieter. She stares at Azzi as if she’s memorising every little detail and then her face crumbles. Azzi feels her heart drop at the single tear that trickles down Paige’s cheek as she lets out a broken whimper. And this, this unspoken power they seem to have over each other, the uncanny ability to just hurt each other without any bit of effort, is what scares Azzi the most. It’s too much. They shouldn’t be able to do this.
“Paige,” Azzi’s fingers twitch but she hesitates, not knowing if it’s the right thing, “fuck- P what’s wrong?”
Paige doesn’t reply, eyes wandering down to where Azzi’s trying to keep her hands still against her sides and when she looks back up, her eyes are bloodshot, “what’s wrong? What’s not wrong Azzi? You won’t even fucking touch me.”
“I didn’t-” Azzi struggles to speak, “I didn’t think you’d want me to.”
“Can you just- fuck- can you just stop overthinking things for once in your life. Of course I want you to touch- you know what nevermind. This was a bad idea. You made yourself clear and I’m just- fuck- I should- I should just go.”
She sounds adamant enough but all it takes, when Paige moves to leave, is the strangled cry that leaves Azzi’s lips. The sound is enough to pull Paige right back in. She takes one look at the tears brimming in Azzi’s eyes. And then she’s pushing Azzi against a wall, hands on either side caging the younger girl between her body and the hard surface behind. She presses their foreheads together and Azzi feels like every part of her might just be a part of Paige too.
“I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. It’s barely been two weeks and I- fuck- Azzi- I’ve missed you every single second and now you’re here and I still miss you. And it really fucking hurts.”
“I’m sorry,” Azzi whispers, finally letting her hands cup Paige’s cheeks, and it’s worth it for the way Paige seems to completely melt into her touch, “I’m sorry I keep hurting you. I keep thinking I’m doing the right thing but- I don’t know- I feel like I’m always doing the wrong thing when it comes to you. I don’t- I don’t know what to do.”
“Just let me be with you,” Paige’s voice is wrecked with desperation as she presses herself as close to Azzi as possible, “I’ll be your whatever- whatever you give me- whatever you want- I just- I just want you Az- whatever little bit you’re willing to give me- I’ll take it- and if you want me to wait- fuck Azzi- I’d wait forever- you know that right? However long it takes, baby. Just want you- just want us.”
Leaps of faith are scary. Azzi’s never been great at taking them, too cautious, too much of a worrier. She’s more of a step back from the cliff kind of person. If she doesn’t jump, she can’t fall. But here’s the thing, when she was fourteen, Azzi jumped off of her first hypothetical cliff. It had been on a plane, when after avoiding one too many deep questions, Azzi had admitted to a girl she barely knew,that maybe she could like girls. It was the first time she’d ever let herself acknowledge that truth about herself and the girl next to her was a stranger but there was something about her, something that screamed i’ll hold your hand and if you jump it’ll never be alone. And ever since then, that girl, Paige, has always been there. Hands outstretched, ready to jump off any ledge. Because if there’s hard ground underneath, then they’ll learn how to fly together and if there’s water, they’ll figure out how to swim. With Paige there has always been the promise that, whatever it is, they’ll figure it out together. And it’s with that promise in mind, that Azzi takes the leap of faith.
“Me too,” Azzi whispers, heart beating erratically.
“What?” Paige searches Azzi’s face, as if waiting for her to take it back.
“Us. You. You and me. I want that too,” a ghost of a smile begins to creep onto Azzi’s face, and for the first time in god knows how long, she feels feather light, a little bit like she’s floating on a rainbow.
“You mean it?” Paige asks earnestly, hands moving from the wall to clutch at Azzi’s waist, “don’t play-Azzi- okay- you mean it for real?”
“I do. I want this- I want this so much and I’m still- I’m still really scared and maybe it’ll be a disaster but I- I want to try. With you.”
Azzi used to think she knew all of Paige’s smiles. Her small, not quite fake, but only for cameras and people she didn’t quite know, smiles. Her just for my friends smile that was filled with mirth and childlike joy. Her basketball smile that transformed into a smirk when she got too cocky. Her only for Drew smile, soft and filled with so much adoration and pride. Her Azzi smile, the one only the brown-skinned girl gets to experience, a smile that made Azzi’s her heart swell with love. But the smile that stretches across Paige’s face now, is one Azzi’s never seen before. This one throws Azzi’s entire world of balance, so bright, so big, so full of emotions. If she could, she’d tattoo that smile onto her skin forever.
“We’re really doing this?” Paige asks, still a little stunned. It wasn’t what Azzi had planned for tonight. She hadn’t really had any plans for what would really happen. But then Paige had walked in and all Azzi could see was forever she was tired of fighting against.
“We should take it slow okay-” Azzi wraps her arms around the older girl’s neck, keeping their foreheads still against each other’s, “I don’t- I don’t wanna rush into things and fuck it up. I can’t- fuck- I can’t lose y-”
“You won’t,” Paige swears, squeezing at Azzi’s wait, “I won’t let you. We can take it slow. We can take it however you want- I just- we’re doing this?”
“Yeah,” Azzi can’t help the grin that fills up her entire face, “yeah we’re doing this.”
And as they surge forward to claim each other’s lips, and as they meld every inch of themselves into each other, and as they smile and cry into the kiss simultaneously, and as they etch promises into each other skin, and as they let themselves finally fall into each other, for each other, it feels a lot like coming home.
***
July 2024
The early morning sunlight casts a dark shadow across Paige’s face, causing the still asleep blonde to scrunch up her face in irritation. Azzi, who’s been awake for nearly half an hour now, can’t help the fond smile that creeps onto her own lips. She shifts herself to block the sun and Paige lets out a content sigh, burrowing herself further into her pillows. And the thing is every moment with Paige is special but there’s something about waking up to her in the morning. Azzi’s always awake first and it gives her ample time to just admire the girl in her arms, blond hair tousled all over her pillow, lips parted slightly open, and one arm always, always, splayed across Azzi’s torso, holding her close. Over the course of time, Azzi’s found out that the second she moves, Paige seems to feel her leave, waking up instantly.
There had been an adjustment period if Azzi's honest. It had taken her a while to shake that fear of Paige not being there in the morning. The first morning, she’d been scared to open her eyes, even if she could feel Paige’s presence right next to her. That had been one of the few mornings that Paige was fully awake first, hovering above Azzi to wake her up. And when she finally did get the courage to open her eyes, the first thing Azzi had seen was Paige, blue eyes sparkling with unfiltered adoration, a smile filled with promises of every morning just like this. And that had been enough.
Azzi reaches out to brush a hand through Paige’s soft blond hair, mesmerised by how pretty Paige looks in the morning glow. A lot of Paige belongs to the world now and Azzi’s not opposed to sharing really, because someone so fucking perfect, deserves to be celebrated like that. But there are some parts of Paige that belong to Azzi and Azzi only, some parts Azzi cherishes as being only hers. This is one of them and Azzi takes a snapshot of it, knowing she’ll need it to function in a few months, when she won’t get the real thing.
“Are you watching Paige sleep?” Azzi almost jumps at the sound of Drew’s voice at the doorway, having been too immersed in Paige to have even heard the door open, “that’s kinda creepy Azzi.”
“Jesus Drew, whatever happened to knocking?”
“I forgot?” Drew grins, before he plops on the bed, the force of it making the whole frame shake a little bit.
“Drew!” Azzi chides, “you’re gonna wake her up.”
Drew cocks his eyebrows, sparing his sister, who seems unphased by the sudden little bit of chaos around her, still fast asleep, an unimpressive look, “please she can sleep through anything. Besides, it’s already 9. I thought we were gonna do things. I been up for aaaages.”
“She’ll be awake soon,” Azzi smiles, ruffling the younger boy's hair. Drew rolls his eyes and it’s remarkable how much he resembles Paige, not just by face, but the mannerisms too.
He huffs for a second before his eyes sparkle with an idea, “what if we pour water on her!”
“Drew!” Azzi chastises again, trying not to giggle.
“Boo,” Drew crosses his arms across his chest, “you used to be so cool Azzi.”
Azzi laughs as she’s reminded of a younger version of herself, scheming with Drew on how to wake Paige up. And it’s not that she’s beyond that really, tucking the water idea for a rainy day, but Paige looks too peaceful this morning and she wants to preserve that look of serenity on the older girl’s face for just a little bit longer.
“Hey Azzi,” Drew says after a while and Azzi hums in response, “when you and Paige get married, I can still be a groomsman right? Even if there’s no grooms?”
“Wha- where did that come from?” the brunette’s eyes widened at the question, sitting up a little straighter.
Drew peers up at her with all the innocence of a pre-teen, “you are gonna get married right?”
“I don’t-”
“It’s too early for your yapping Drew,” Azzi’s saved from answering by Paige’s tired voice entering the conversation. She looks over to find Paige’s eyes already on her, a soft smile playing on her lips as she looks up at Azzi. If Drew wasn’t sitting right there, Azzi would lean over and kiss her and let Paige deepen it until they were both satisfied.
“Oh thank god,” Drew cheers dramatically, “I thought you were gonna sleep forever.”
Paige scoffs, the arm that’s still wrapped around Azzi’s torso tightening its hold, “I wish.”
“Well you’re awake now so get up,” Drew whines, moving from his spot on the end of the bed, to flop on top of Paige’s body instead, “get up, get up, GET UP.”
“Get off,” Paige groans but there’s no real force behind it. Azzi watches with a fond smile, as Paige flips Drew over so that she can tickle him, eliciting rounds of laughter from the younger boy. Something in her heart flutters, her mind going back to Drew’s question. She’s never really been one to think too hard about marriage and children and that domestic suburban life, leaving it up to fate, but now- well, maybe.
“Okay aight aight enough. Go get ready for breakfast and we’ll be down in a second,” Paige says, ushering Drew off of the bed.
“You can just tell me you want me to leave so you can kiss Azzi you know?” Drew scrunches up his nose, “you two are gross.”
Paige sends him a stern look and gets a dramatic eye roll in return but as he always does, Drew does as he’s told, mock saluting the two of them and skipping out of the room.
“He’s right by the way,” Paige says softly, turning back to where Azzi’s leaning against the backboard, “I do want to kiss you.”
Azzi smirks lopsidedly, “what’s stopping you?”
She squeals in surprise when Paige pulls her, the force of it causing both of them to tumble onto the front-end of the bed. Azzi ends up on top of Paige, hands resting around her neck, the blonde’s hands holding her waist in place.
“Good morning,” Paige grins, clearly proud of herself as she chases Azzi’s lips to pull her into a searing kiss.
“Good morning,” Azzi whispers back, thumb caressing Paige’s left cheek.
“Just so you know,” Paige pulls away, a determined glint in her eyes, “we’re so getting married one day.”
***
October 2024
Azzi’s mood has been rancid for the last couple of weeks. It’s terrible she knows; it makes her irritating to play with and a nightmare to live with. But even if this had been expected, that she would be on one end of the country and her heart would be on the other side, it doesn’t stop her from constantly being in a state of missing Paige. And it’s different from before, now that there’s a certain surety of of course i’ll see you soon but soon never really feels soon enough.
“Azzi can you please get the door,” Kiki calls from her room when the doorbell rings.
“I’m busy,” Azzi grunts back, snuggling further into her pillow with a book she isn’t actually reading, “you go get it.”
“Azzi please, I’m literally in the middle of getting dressed,” Kiki yells exasperatedly.
If it wasn’t for the fact that she’s pretty sure her teammates are about this close to plotting her murder, and deservedly so, Azzi would sink back onto her bed and let the incessant doorbell noise continue. But she does love her teammates, thinks Kiki probably deserves to change in peace, and it forces her out of bed, grumbling away about annoying visitors. Until she actually gets a look at the visitor. Paige stands on the doorstep, confident as ever, a bouquet of roses and peonies and lilies in her hand.
“You’re here,” Azzi breathes out, staring in awe.
“And thank fucking god she is,” Kiki quips from behind her, “maybe we can finally get our old happy Azzi back and not this bitch.”
Paige laughs, “watch how you talk about my girl Rice.”
“You’re here. You’re really here,” Azzi whispers again.
“I heard you missed me baby,” Paige says, her cocky smirk betrayed by the softness in her voice. And then Azzi is flying into her arms, throwing Paige off balance.
“So fucking much,” Azzi admits into Paige’s neck, eliciting a giggle from the blonde, “Kiki’s right. I have been a bitch.”
“Just a little bit,” Kiki calls out again but there’s a new fondness in her voice. It’s funny how her team, even the haters, have slowly become Paige fans. They’d been hesitant at first, just like the UConn girls, but now well, it seems the basketball world’s Montagues and Capulets have learned to accept their star players’ relationship.
“Missed you too Az,” Paige’s tone is vulnerable as they break away, “alright, go get changed, I wanna take you somewhere.”
“Or…,” Azzi presses her lips to Paige’s neck, leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses, “we could stay here and do something else.”
Paige shivers under her touch, stepping away to keep some semblance of control “n-no I have plans,” but she can’t help but kiss Azzi’s pout away, “it’ll be worth it, I promise. Besides,” she bites at Azzi’s ear, “there’s always later.”
***
“Your big plans are to bring me to the supermarket,” Azzi cocks an eyebrow as they walk down one of the many aisles, “you turned down sex for this? Should I be offended?”
Paige doesn’t say anything, concentratedly looking at signs, trying to figure out a specific section, before an aha! moment dances over her face, and she pulls Azzi with her, the younger girl going willingly, despite the eye roll. She stops triumphantly in front of the sushi section and Azzi looks at her quizzically.
“I’m getting you supermarket sushi,” Paige says pointedly, “and then you can get me mac and cheese.”
And if you brought me sushi I’d have brought you your favourite mac and cheese. Oh. The realisation of what Paige is doing trickles around Azzi a little bit like rain after a long summer drought. She thinks back to the bouquet, everything suddenly making sense.
“You’re such a dork Paige Bueckers,” Azzi says softly, tapping the older girl’s nose.
“Your dork,” Paige grins cheesily, “now hurry up and pick one. I don’t wanna miss the sunset.”
***
Once she catches on it, it doesn’t surprise Azzi to find that Paige has everything planned out perfectly, down to the exact spot in the park- the one by Paige’s recovery airBnB, the one they’d taken countless walks in trying to repair their friendship- where the two of them can be away from everybody else, in their own little bubble. And she has a picnic blanket, that’s a little small but they don’t really want space from each other anyways. They lean against a tree, food set up in front of them, Paige’s laptop, carefully piled on top of a couple of books to be the perfect height, set a little bit further away.
“So what NBA game are we watching?” Azzi asks with a smile and Paige groans, “what? Was that not part of the plan?”
“Dude come on. It’s the beginning of October. Please tell me you know the NBA season isn’t happening yet,” Paige rubs her temple, only a little endeared by the comment, “are you sure you’re a basketball player?”
“There are games in October. I swear I’ve seen them before,” Azzi says sceptically.
“Yeah at the very end of the month, not right now.”
“Well then close enough,” Azzi says indignantly, “I don’t need to know the exact day.”
“Whatever you say baby,” Paige acquiesces with a smirk and it earns her an elbow to the stomach, “what the fuck? That shit’s domestic violence you know?”
“Big words Bueckers, didn’t think you knew them,” Azzi teases, placing a kiss against Paige’s offended expression, before settling herself against the blonde’s side, sighing contentedly when she gets a kiss on her temple in return. They’re cliché enough to put on Love and Basketball, but Azzi doesn’t really end up watching much at all. In between slow kisses, she almost falls asleep a couple of times, the comfort of Paige’s arms like a blanket wrapping her in the warmth of this is my fairytale.
“THE POLAROID,” Paige’s shout breaks Azzi out of her haze as she feels her body being shaken off, the blonde rummaging through her bag for the camera, “we have to take the polaroid. My wall needs it.”
“Oh yeah a tiny polaroid picture of us inbetween all your Lebron posters, a perfect fit,” Azzi drawls only to be met with a scathing look from Paige.
“It’s for important things and Lebron is the most important of them all,” Paige explains with complete seriousness, as she finally finds the polaroid camera and shimmies back to Azzi with it in hand.
The sunset is beautiful. Pink, purple, orange and blue, all blending together to create the perfect picture. But Azzi thinks it’s not nearly as beautiful as the girl in front of her, not nearly as beautiful as the date Paige had planned, not nearly as beautiful as the future she can so clearly see now. Her mind drifts back to the night of the phone call, and she can almost hear Paige’s sobs again, can still hear her own voice breaking. Back then, they had seemed impossible, a butterfly like dream that danced out of their grasp.
“Hey,” Paige captures her chin with two fingers, “where’d you go?”
Azzi shakes her head, “nowhere. I’m right here. With you. Where I should be.”
“Sappy goof,” Paige snorts but she kisses Azzi like she’ll take those words and hide them in the labyrinth of her mind, protect them there forever.
Taking the picture is a task, both of them bickering about angles and lights. It’s unnecessary arguing, in true Paige and Azzi fashion really but there’s something so mundanely domestic about it that Azzi finds herself wanting to memorise this moment too. They finally get the frame just right, somewhere in between what they both wanted. Azzi smiles at the camera, her Paige smile, as the blonde in question presses her lips against her cheeks.
Click.
And Azzi hopes, that however many years later, when they have a home of their own, amidst all the photos that they’ll take over the next years, this one will be hung somewhere on their wall, a testament to finally realising every dream they’d dared to dream together.
***
December 2024
There are pebbles being thrown at her window and Azzi has to stop herself from laughing when she peers down to see Paige, freezing cold in the Virginia December air, staring up at her with a goofy smile. She shakes her head when her phone rings, knowing it’s Paige and answers it with her own foolish grin.
“What exactly are you doing?” Azzi asks, “come back to bed.”
“You said I was unromantic. I’m trying to be romantic,” Paige’s teeth chatter in the cold, as she balances her phone in one hand, still throwing rocks with the other.
“I didn’t say that and throwing rocks at my window is supposed to be romantic? You’re going to wake the whole house up.”
“That’s what they do in all the good rom coms. And you said and I quote ‘we’re kind of boring’. You might be boring Azzi Fudd but I most definitely am not.”
It had been a throwaway comment Azzi had made at dinner with some friends from high school. One of her friends had been going on and on about some adventurous trip that she and her boyfriend were going on, and then asked Paige and Azzi if they had any of that planned. To which Azzi had replied that they were a little too busy, considering they were college basketball players still in season, and besides they were “kind of boring” people. She hadn’t meant it in any type of way. Personally, Azzi likes boring. Paige however, seemed to have taken the comment to heart and Azzi had woken up at 2 a.m. to an empty bed and the sound of something being thrown at her window.
“Okay I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You're really interesting baby and the most romantic person in the world. Now will you please come back to bed,” Azzi concedes, already missing the feeling of being cuddled up in her blankets with Paige’s body heat keeping her nice and toasty.
“No,” Paige says indignantly, “come down here.”
“Paige, it's freezing. It’s gonna start snowing any minute.”
“Exactly. That’s exciting.”
“Sleep is exciting,” Azzi whines, but she’s already padding around her room looking for a warm sweater, grumbling under her breath about the warm California sun she’s missing. She tiptoes down the staircase, wincing at the one step that creaks just a little too much, before pushing herself out the door. And it’s freezing cold, there’s sleep in her eyes, but it’s all worth it Azzi thinks, it’ll always be worth it, just to experience Paige’s smile.
“Knew you’d come,” Paige grins cockily, mittened hands pulling Azzi into her.
“Yeah yeah. What are we even doing?”
“Azzi Fudd,” Paige bellows dramatically, “may I have this dance.”
Azzi stares at Paige’s outstretched hand wondering if this is some sort of cry for help, but one look at Paige’s face tells her that the girl in front of her is being absolutely serious.
“This is your idea of exciting? Dancing in the street while it’s freezing with no music?” Azzi raises an eyebrow, but she takes Paige’s hand.
“It’s spontaneous,” Paige says the last word with a flourish, as she spins Azzi, “why not dance in the street when it’s freezing with no music?”
And well, that’s a fair point. If anyone were to look out their window that night, they’d probably think the two girls were somewhat crazy. Laughing and giggling and tripping over each other as Paige hums a melody and Azzi occasionally joins in. It’s ridiculous and corny and cliché and perfect. And then the first little bit of snow falls, white drops circling around the two dancing girls, snowflakes catching on their eyelashes. The dim glow of the streetlight is enough to catch identical smiles on the two girl’s faces as they revel in each other.
“You know some people say if you make a wish during the first snowfall, it’ll come true,” Paige whispers, still waltzing the two of them around, cheek pressed to Azzi’s, “you wanna try?”
And the thing is Azzi doesn’t really believe in all of that, in magic but something about Paige, something about this moment feels magical. It makes a believer out of Azzi.
“Yeah,” Azzi smiles, “let’s make a wish.”
They stand still, holding hands, eyes closed, both a little breathless, as they make their wishes. And when they open them, if it feels a little bit like maybe their wishes have already been granted, well they’ll share it in a secret smile but never out loud. After all, wishes don’t come true if you speak of them.
***
April 2025
7 seconds to go in the National Championship and Azzi’s UCLA Bruins are down by two points. It’s her last chance, having already declared for the 2025 WNBA draft, to win a national championship, to bring home their first basketball national championship since the 1978 team that had won the AIAW championship, to win their first NCAA championship ever. It had taken some sheer luck to get to this point if Azzi’s honest. As a two-seed in the Spokane region, they’d benefitted from their one-seed having been eliminated early and then getting to face a Cinderella six-seed in the final four. On the other side of the bracket, UConn, the favourites coming for a repeat, had been stunned by another team, the team that UCLA was now facing. That had caused a bit of a second-hand sting and Azzi’s not really trying to take revenge for Paige, but it'd be a lie to say the get back at them for me babe from earlier this morning isn’t ringing in her head.
The play is simple, set screens for Azzi, get her open, get her the ball. A two would get them to a tie and three would win it outright. Either will do. It’s a little too reminiscent of last year when Azzi had failed at tying the final 4 game and she can still feel that loss on the tips of her fingers. They break out from their last timeout, breathlessly running to their spots on the floor. The whistle blows, Kiki inbounds the ball and everything is a blur. All Azzi knows is the shot clock is winding down. She runs off of what feels like a million screens. And then she’s open on the wing, for a millisecond. A perfect pass from Kiki makes sure the ball lands straight in Azzi’s hand. And she doesn’t think, doesn’t breathe, doesn’t even notice the defender put up a hand, she shoots the ball. There’s two people on the court that know for sure that ball is going in the minute it leaves Azzi’s fingers, the shooter herself and her biggest fan in the stands, who’s been just a little bit in love with that shooting stroke, since before anything else had even begun.
With a delicate swish, the ball falls through the net, the buzzer sounds around the arena, the crowd explodes in blue and gold, as the UCLA Bruins win the 2025 national championship.
Everything stills in Azzi’s brain for a second, her thoughts taking a second to catch up to reality. She’s never really been one to emotion on the court, keeping herself steely guarded through most games, even at the very end. But now, triumph and pride and just utter happiness at finally achieving one of her biggest dreams, comes roaring to the surface, manifesting itself throughout her entire body, as she lets out a scream of joy. Her teammates engulf her and she gets lost in a sea of hugs and tears and bright, decadent smiles.
As thing start to calm down, there’s really only one thing on Azzi’s mind and Paige’s words echo in her ears, because if I’m gonna end up fucking crying, then I want it to be on your shoulder. And if I’m gonna end up celebrating, I want it to be in your arms. And Azzi thinks maybe Paige had discovered one of the biggest truths of their life with that, the truth that at the end of day, in any moment, big or small, happy or sad, the one person Azzi wants next to her, is her Paige. It’s been that way since she was fourteen, and too young to really understand the meaning of wanting someone forever, and she thinks if she has her way, it’ll be like that for the rest of her life, the rest of their life.
Paige is beaming in the crowd, standing next to Jon and José, a #35 jersey proudly adorning her torso. She waves when she catches Azzi’s eyes, always her biggest cheerleader. And Azzi throws caution to the wind, fuck it, not caring that there’s still a large crowd or that cameras are likely to follow her every move. She pushes her way into the stands, stopping right in front of the blonde.
“On a scale of one to ten, how bad would kissing you right now be?” Azzi asks, still a little breathless.
A myriad of emotions flicker through Paige’s face before settling on a mischievous smirk, “probably pretty bad but you should do it anyways.”
Azzi grins before merging their lips together and everything else fades to the background, until she’s consumed by nothing but Paige. They break apart far quicker than either of them would like and Azzi expects to feel just a little bit of fear at what she’s just done, likely given the media a spectacle they could run a million and one stories about but instead, with her forehead still pressed against Paige’s, she feels nothing but calm.
“I’m so in love with you,” Azzi whispers and Paige’s eyes widen. They’ve known it for a while now but it’s the first time either of them have said it.
“Say it again,” Paige demands.
“I’m so in love with you,” Azzi says again, grinning so hard, she thinks it might become her permanent expression, “like really fucking in love with you.”
“I’m so in love with you,” Paige whispers, pulling Azzi into a bone-crushing hug.
And this might not be the moment where everything finally comes together. There’s still so much life left to live, so much that they still need to work through, so much they’ve yet to deal with. But for now, Azzi has a national championship and she has the love of her life, the rest will work itself out, or so she hopes.
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I think what bugs me the most about what happened today other than the fact that I was the one getting vagued is the fact that the conversation got warped into one that is about morality and not simply theorizing on The Ravens and how The Nest works
my original post essentially said two things:
The Ravens are victims and to erase that because they don't fit the model of the perfect victim and some have even become abusers erases all nuance from that portion of Jean and Kevin's lives and the surrounding discussion
Cults are weird. I grew up in one. And it is very easy to manipulated by one and to feel trapped and to also be completely in the dark about what is happening in a cult even when you're in the heart of it
I did not say anyone had to forgive the Ravens (they're fictional characters. fake people. that wasn't even on my mind) or that any of them are by any means good people. i also didn't say that they were all oblivious or that there weren't some of them that were abusive. I also never made this a conversation about morality and whether or not the Ravens are good or bad people for staying in a cult.
For some reason that got warped into what we are currently discussing and involved some highly insensitive language surrounding cult victims including things being said like it's not crazy to expect people to walk away from things like scholarships, financial security, or career security if it means being complacent in abuse and that it's "just basic morals".
And I'm sorry for getting personal on this but as a cult survivor I think that's one of the most upsetting and insensitive things I have heard come from these conversations today.
It doesn't matter what x thing is whether it's money or food or housing or a career. In a cult they use whatever it is you need and make you dependent on them for it. Also with the Ravens in particular keep in mind it wasn't simply being complacent in abuse. They were being abused.
If you have been in a similar situation, if you are grappling with the guilt of leaving a cult or anything like a cult, know that you are not a moral failure for having stayed for as long as you did. You are not moral failure for staying for whatever reason you did. It is not just basic morals when it comes to living in a cult. Morality becomes warped and the concept of what is immoral and moral is something completely different and that is intentional.
It doesn't matter whether you think the Ravens were aware of Riko's abuse or not. Having differing opinions on that is completely okay. What you don't get to do is turn it into a conversation about morality where you then get to insult cult survivors like we're evil people for not walking away at the first red flag because we needed something. Because we were in survival mode and we weren't able to focus on other people.
We still don't have all the details on how the Ravens function or the type of abuse players even outside of the perfect court face other than it was extreme. It's fun to theorize. And it's okay if people disagree. But if you can't be mindful about where your opinion switches from theory to some huge declaration of moral high ground then you've lost the fucking plot.
I would love to talk more about the Ravens and my theories on them. I would love to talk more about how cults work and why I think it's possible they were completely unaware of Riko's abuse. There's a lot of nuance in those conversations and I would love to take the time to treat them with the care they deserve. I'm also still incredibly upset by a lot of the things said today and I can acknowledge that this is a topic that is very personal to me. So this is me opening up that can of worms (again) and I'm more than happy to have those conversations and answer questions but please be patient with me because if it isn't already obvious this is a topic that is incredibly sensitive to me
#idek what i'm saying with this anymore#i'm just tired#aftg#tsc#the sunshine court#all for the game#jean moreau#kevin day#neil josten#riko moriyama#andrew minyard#jeremy knox#david wymack#tetsuji moriyama#thea muldani#edgar allan ravens#palmetto state foxes#aaron minyard#nicky hemmick#matt boyd#allison reynolds#renee walker#dan wilds#tsc spoilers#ish ig#personal.txt
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Mini fic 13. things you said at the kitchen table would be fun for matthew and leon, because another pair of my blorbos have several Important Scenes in the kitchen, so seeing how that setting is used for others is nice!
as i'm sure everyone has forgotten by now, eons ago i was doing this writing meme, and so many lovely folks left me prompts that i never got to because grad school destroyed my ability to write. but i am trying to get back in a creative groove so we're resurrecting it. so thank you for your patience/sorry about the wait i guess?? 😂 anway —
13. things you said at the kitchen table
“There you are.”
The kitchen had been so quiet that Leon jumps, looking up from his phone to see Matthew leaning in the doorway, eyebrows knit together with a frown. He’s bare-chested, barefoot, wearing the gray sweatpants that had been folded on top of Leon’s hamper, worn once but not dirty enough to put through the wash yet. There’s an array of teeth marks and mouth-shaped bruises down his torso, just starting to bloom with color. If he turned around, Leon knows, there would be a matching constellation on the back of his hip, disappearing under the waistband.
Leon tends to lose himself in the moment. Sometimes it’s a little embarrassing to see what he’s done afterwards.
Matthew tilts his head. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” Leon looks at his phone again, somewhere in the middle of a mindless scroll through Instagram, then sets it aside. “Yeah, just couldn’t sleep.”
“Coulda woken me up,” Matthew says, that cocky little grin of his tugging at one corner of his mouth. “I woulda tired you back out.” He’s crossing the room as he says this, ignoring Leon’s eye-roll, pulling out a chair to sit down across from him. Elbows on the table, eyebrows raised. The only time he’s stopped looking smug all night is when Leon had him gasping and panting and moaning too hard to look anything but desperate. Which is stupid, because his team kind of got destroyed earlier, but maybe his face is just kind of stuck that way.
Leon doesn’t really get Matthew at all. He likes him well enough — a surprising enough thing on its own, and one that Leon is still reluctant to cop to sometimes. But there’s something impenetrable about him. He always leaves Leon feeling off-balance. Something about the way he walks into every room like there’s no reason he wouldn’t belong there, including Leon’s kitchen.
The sex is great, though.
Matthew hasn’t spent the night before, but not for any real reason. Just lack of opportunity. Leon usually likes sharing a bed when he has the chance.
Matthew nudges his foot under the table. “Hey.”
Leon blinks at him. “What?”
“You sure you’re awake?”
“Yeah, I’m fuckin’ awake,” Leon says, and kicks him back.
“Well then act like it,” Matthew says, catching Leon’s ankle briefly between his feet. “Is everything okay?”
Leon opens his mouth to say yes, but then he takes a moment to consider the situation, and instead he says, “This is a little weird, isn’t it? You and me at the kitchen table?”
“Well, it’s not my fault we’re not still in bed.”
“Shut up, you know what I mean.”
“I think it’s mostly weird because it’s the middle of the night.” The way that Matthew’s curls fall in his face is distracting. Makes Leon think about how they feel tangled in his fingers. He’d be disappointed if Matthew ever cut his hair short. “You know I’m leaving at the end of the season, right?”
This startles Leon more than Matthew’s sudden appearance two minutes ago. “What?”
“Contract’s up. Bye-bye Calgary.” Matthew shrugs with an extremely measured amount of awkwardness. That— that’s why he’s so fucking confusing. Even his sincerity feels like an act sometimes. But even more than that—
“Why?”
“It’s too fucking cold, I’m homesick, and my coach hates me.”
“No, mean— really, he does?”
Another shrug. So helpful.
“I mean, why are you telling me this?”
“I’m trying to make you pay attention to me,” Matthew says. “Geez, why do you think I’m here?”
Leon raises his eyebrows. “You didn’t get enough attention earlier?”
A tiny grin. “No.”
“So where are you going?”
“Dunno yet.”
“Is that true or are you just not telling me?”
Another shrug. A slightly larger, smugger grin.
“You think I’ll miss you?”
“Nah. You’ve got Davo to keep you warm.”
“We’re not—” Leon ignores Matthew’s dancing eyebrows. “Seriously, why are you telling me this?”
Matthew kicks his foot under the table again. “Come back to bed. We’ve got, what, two games left this season? I’m trying to get the fuckin’ in while I still can.”
“So you’re going somewhere far away,” Leon says.
“Dude, you’re in Edmonton,” Matthew says. “Everywhere is far away.”
“I meant, like, out of the conference.”
Shrug. The temptation to reach across and hold Matthew’s shoulders still is so strong. Instead Leon just meets his gaze, trying for the umpteenth time to figure him out. It doesn’t work, so he looks again at the collage of bruises spilling over his collar bone. He’s changed, in the couple of years they’ve been doing this. His body used to be wirier, but now he’s starting to fill out like a grown man. Leon can feel it on the ice, when he hits him, and in bed when he fucks him. He used to be wilder, more immature, more willing to sacrifice the play to be annoying, but he’s honed that down to an art. Whatever team gets him is going to be blown away by what they find behind his reputation. And Leon— well. It’s strange to feel so acutely that in the grand scheme of things he’ll just be an anecdote in Matthew’s life. It doesn’t bother him, exactly. It’s just a strange little moment. He’d thought, maybe stupidly, that they’d be doing this for years to come. Battles of Alberta and all that. But somehow it makes a lot more sense this way.
“Come on,” he says, standing abruptly. He catches Matthew by the arm on his way around the table, pulling him along back toward the bedroom. Matthew shakes the grip off, but catches his hand instead. In bed, he kisses Leon like he means it, but there are a lot of ways to mean something.
#writing meme#matthew and leon#hockey for ts#frida at least i know you've been PLENTY busy with the weewoo show and have NOT been pining away waiting for a response to your prompt 😂❤#anyway in my head this is spiritually in the in from the cold 'verse even tho i'm not sure if all the details match up
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@disastergenius replied to your post “perhaps unpopular but while I do agree the EXU...”:
re: this party doesn't talk much; i think that narratively, fcg's death isn't the call for them to talk in the way that molly's was? Molly's death happened early and bc of molly, but it was the wake-up call the party needed while separated and to actually begin to work together. bh's have different problems and fcg's death wasn't a result of party but was fcg's decision. so it also makes sense that it's not bringing the group together or anything, it's just mourning
So I think this is part of it but I also wanted to post this as a full response because I've been thinking a lot about this! In short...having experienced a death within a friend group, people respond in weird ways, and for the most part, with the caveat that this was a friend among my friends from college and she died when we were all adults in various different cities and therefore not necessarily closely in touch all the time, we did not have a big sit-down and go around talking about our feelings. It's much slower. And I've talked a lot with people who have experienced a death within a friend group that was closer. Sometimes the group falls apart dramatically. Sometimes it just drifts apart. Sometimes it's sort of a weird blank space no one knows how to deal with.
I found Ashton's behavior in particular to be really well done on Taliesin's part and deeply affecting. They're exhausted not just mechanically but emotionally, and they don't want to really talk to anyone, but they do very much want some kind of comfort that doesn't require a lot of effort and most importantly, they don't want to be alone. When I had to learn about the (Jewish) religious practices surrounding grief and mourning, one of the things they tell you about sitting shiva (and to be clear this is not unique to shiva, it's just that Judaism has very clear time delineations of the mourning process) is that sometimes you just go there and sit with someone who doesn't want to talk much. His reaction felt incredibly real and natural, is what I'm saying. Grief can be isolating and tiring and difficult to talk about.
It feels right for the others too. Like...we can talk about the rapid pacing but that's been the case for much of the campaign, and no, I didn't like the EXU decision but what's done is done. I think deciding to, as Chetney said in 92, "make it count" seems very natural. I do hope there are conversations in Zadash and/or Aeor but at this point "we're drunk and tired and aren't ready to really feel this", especially since in-world, everything might be over in a week or so, makes a lot of sense. I also think FCG's death has united the party at least in the sense of purpose, and I think some people just dislike that the purpose is "double down on the moon plot." I think at the very least we'll have to visit it when they tell Imahara Joe (and hopefully Dancer, too.)
Ultimately, again, while I do love the episodes after Molly's death, episode 27 only has three party members in it, and episode 30 is arguably more about Fjord and Jester and Yasha being rescued (and on a meta level, welcoming Travis and Laura back to the table after parental leave) and incorporating Caduceus into the group as it is about Molly being dead. A lot of the conversations are about that, and 31 is very much about fucking around in Zadash and doing weird shit! Jester and Veth make Molly illusions not long after while on Darktow! The effects of Molly's death ripple through, quite honestly, the entire rest of the campaign and the grief is very nonlinear. Again, I adore episode 2x30, but I think one should be careful not to overly romanticize it; the party is still very much working through those initial feelings throughout the entire pirates arc, which takes place over the span of a couple of months. Bells Hells might not have months, and it might not get explored to the same extent, but I do think we'll see the effects nonetheless.
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So, been thinking about Mystreet again. And I always assumed in the early days that everything that happened in MCD would eventually happen in Mystreet as well. That didn't end up happening but just... bare with me for a sec.
Imagine for a second, what finding Lilith would be like in Mystreet. I think about that so, so often. And how SO much could have been talked about had it happened along with cannon events.
Aaron, who had been driving for hours after coming back from somewhere, a concert, or something equally modern and kinda boring. Aphmau half falling asleep in the passenger seat, starting and stopping songs that she'd sing under her breath. And Laurance dead asleep in the back, laying on his back without a seat belt, lightly snoring.
Then. Aphmau looks up, nearly screams because at that moment Aaron had glanced away from the road to ask her something.
"CAR!"
Aaron pounds the fucking break like it owes him money and Laurance is thrown into the back of their chairs like a ragdoll, and he yelps from the backseat as Aphmau tries not to fly through the windshield by gripping the console. Aaron's arm in front of her like it would do anything instead of break at her weight hitting it at the speed they were going (because Aaron has a lead foot and speeds like he's going through a mid-life crisis.)
And there's this flipped car in front of them, right in the middle of the road and A and A just look at each other like "Well what do we do?" And Laurance has been half- knocked out from the speed his face met the back of the drivers seat and he's groaning from the back in pain.
So they get out, minus Laur, and do the classic, look around to see wtf happened here. And there's broken glass and oil everywhere but the car is cold and had been there seemingly awhile.
And then they hear crying, coming from the ditch just below them, and Aphmau's the first one down it because of course she would be. And Aaron hears her gasp but he doesn't want to face-plant because the ditch is soaked and the ground keeps moving beneath him.
And he gets there and Aph is holding a fucking baby, like it just appeared out of thin air. And she's trying to calm it down while looking just as flabbergasted as he does. And his brain doesn't want to work because truly, what the actual fuck?
He looks around and there's a carseat that had been upside-down, but there's still no sign of the adults that actually crashed the damn thing and all that's in his head is "They wouldn't leave a baby right?" while thinking about his parents and doubling back like "Well they might." All the while there's little golden salamanders everywhere, and they're just as distracting as the crying.
So he wraps the little one in his red jacket and A and A climb back up the side of the ditch and Laurance is crouched down by the driver's window looking like he is about to hurl. And they meet eyes and Aaron winces because it's the look of someone who just saw a mangled corpse.
You get it right? Like the "dragons found a baby and tried to capture a cow to feed it" is just WEIRD, and only fits within the weird lore of MCD. If you wanna do it in Mystreet it has to become way fucking darker, they'd have to call 911 and watch as corpses get dragged out of the car and follow them to the hospital.
And then the baby would have to get a checkup, and that trio is just there. At the hospital, and shit sucks because that's way more traumatic then just "finding a baby." It's "I found a gruesome accident and a baby that just lost it's parents." Furthermore. Aaron and Aphmau would be, at this point. Just freinds if we're following the MCD route. And they would struggle heavily with the whole orphanage/foster care system because they're unmarried and unrelated to the baby.
I don't know, I just kinda wish I could've seen that. So much character development, so much angst. I might write it properly some day just to get it out of my thought rotation.
#aarmau#aphmau#mystreet#aphblr#aphmau mcd#aphverse#aaron lycan#I feel like Laurance would become more of an Uncle#like damn in MCD he just does not help at all even after saying he would.
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WE'RE... WHAT?? ‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅
| percy jackson x popstar au
| au masterlist ☽
summary:
warnings: swearing and i think thats just about it!
a/n: part two of the series is out! im procrastinating the shit out of all my other requests so im not ignoring any of you btw!! lets all collectively ignore the fact that gracie like a post that has a lyric from her song (also damn im really just smashing out these fics)
"y/n has officially flitted off to boston!" clarisse announces suddenly from chris's lap.
"huh?" grover's head snaps up. "what do you mean?"
"y/n l/n, she's come to boston for her concerts," clarisse says showing her phone screen.
"you have got to be shitting me," chris says. "this is going to end terribly. seriously? here? boston? percy's gonna shit himself."
"oh really why would you think that?" clarisse drawls. "it's not like they don't like each other, they're like besties!"
"and y'know to make things worse y/n's setlist has been posted for months so we legit could've avoided her," chris sighs.
"yeah well, next time you see percy and he comes home grumbling about a business meeting in boston you deal with it then," grover argues.
"okay all of you shut it, percy's coming inside with luke so shhh," clarisse snaps.
"shh about what?" luke asks settling down on the couch next to grover.
"you'll never believe who's in boston!" grover sing songs. it doesn't take luke very long to work out who and his eyes widen in realisation
"no."
"yes."
"well shit."
"yep."
"we're in for a show."
☾. ⋅
percyjackson
liked by underovergrover, chris.rodriguez, lukecastellan, clarisse.la.rue, the.annabethchase and 1, 402, 385 others
percyjackson hello boston! one non-reschedulable meeting later and here we are...
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underovergrover i expect full compensation for making those pizzas WHICH YOU TOOK CREDIT FOR
percyjackson YOU DID NOT! I MADE HALF OF THOSE - MINE WERE BETTER
clarisse.la.rue no they weren't
percyjackson 🖕🏼
user1 ugh im in love
user2 omggg he's in boston!! so is y/n l/n!! are they following each other around?
user3 PLS I WOULD DIE MAKE THIS A THING
user4 i wonder if he's going to a concert here?? 😏
user5 does anyone else find it weird how his entire friend group follows him around?? no just me? they're just a huge freak show
user6 booooo we dont like haters here
user7 y/n l/n and percy neeeeed to happen rnnnn
user8 YES YES YES
lukecastellan im so ready to be done with this shit and go home
theannabethchase aww is someone feeling homesick?
lukecastellan yes obviously
user8 i. love. him.
☾. ⋅
"see i told you this would happen!" grover screeches, running away from percy who is threatening to castrate him if he doesn't get his phone back.
"i don't care! just give me the damn thing back!"
percy had groaned for two straight minutes when he found out that y/n was in boston this weekend - he had also face planted onto the couch and used some extremely obscene words.
"if it helps at least you'll be leaving on sunday," chris had offered in the midst of his crisis. it didn't help.
so now when grover trips over a fallen pillow - which may or may not be from percy's tantrum but we don't talk about that - and percy wrenches the phone from him a loud - and might grover add overtly girly - scream.
"WHAT THE FUCK? NO! NO NO NO NO!"
his screen is on the article grover had opened with really poorly photoshopped images of percy and y/n walking together. every gossip site/blog has swarmed the photos and circulated them sending the internet into a spiral.
"im fucking done with this grover," percy groans flopping onto the couch. "its a good thing we're leaving tomorrow - we'll be back in new york thats a huge ass city i wont see y/n there again and i can just go into hibernation, let all the rumours die down and be done with this whole shit show."
if only right....
☾. ⋅
☾. ⋅
yn.official
liked by sabrinacarpenter, lia.mandel, gracieabrams and 932, 841 others
yn.official feel like maybe i might go to boston! you were the best audience and im honoured to have performed for you these past two nights! heading home now to rest and recharge for the final shows in new york
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lia.mandel yayy you're finally coming home i missed you 🥺
yn.official bitch please its been like a week
lia.mandel and every second of it has been torture
user1 MOTHERRRR
user2 i think i nearly fainted when she came up on stage i was so happy i coulda died right then-
user3 the lyric makes me so happyyy
user4 ikrr y/n is like the queen of lyrics and the way she sneakily adds them into her posts 🤭
user5 WERE YOU WITH PERCY JACKSON THIS WEEKEND?? 🤨 I NEED TO KNOW
user6 y/n and percy are my dream celebrity ship
user7 they'd be the biggest power couple in history
user8 can you hard launch with percy plss?? i dont care if its fake i just need content to feed my delusions!
☾. ⋅
lia's soft snores fill the plane aggravating the hell out of you. usually you'd find the way she curled up in a ball underneath a blanket and snored quietly to be adorable. but since you're tired, just finished performing a concert and there's a problem with the jet, its grating on your nerves.
you had also been scrolling on twitter, instagram and pinterest, curled up underneath a matching blanket urging something to catch your attention while whatever work was being done on the plane happened.
unfortunately for you the thing that did catch your attention was the dozens of very clearly photoshopped pictures of you and percy walking together on a quiet street in boston.
no way in hell thats real. for one; ew and two; percy was only here for the weekend you were here for the week and you would've had no time to go out in between concerts.
eventually you doze off not realising you're in the air until you're ears pop waking you up to lia grinning mischievously.
"what asshole?"
"you're adorable when you wake up, you know that right?"
"yes i know."
"seriously the cutest human on the planet."
"what do you want lia?"
"a gossip podcast has picked up the subject of you and percy jackson. and the host is saying shit about you."
your eyes widen for a moment. "oh my god what? wow its almost as if i don't care!" ypu give lia a blank look. "this happens every three months lia, i do something and people either love it or hate it. thats the way it goes."
"yeah but this is PERCY JACKSON Y/N! he's gorgeousness personified."
"ugh can i go back to sleep? you can fangirl to me tomorrow when im in bed and pretending to listen."
"im offended." she leans over to place a kiss on your head. "but sleep tight babes, we land in like forty minutes."
shutting your eyes again you drift back to sleep.
only when you wake up do you realise you dreamed of percy...
TAGLIST‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ [if you're name is white it mean i couldn't tag you] @lauptimist, @itzmeme, @mariaaaaaahhhh, @paankhaleyaar, @maybxlle,
@lara20aral, @cxp1d, @user-3113s-blog, @pleasingregulus, @avihashearts4lix, @inlovewithmorales, @brokecollegebitch, [if you want to be added just let me know!]
#percy x reader#percy jackson x you#percy jackson x reader#percy jackson x y/n#percy x y/n#percy x you#percy jackson#percy jackson fanfic#percy jackson fic#fanfic#fanfiction#emma writes ₊˚⊹⋆#percy x popstar au ₊ ⊹
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12 DAYS GUYS
And today, instead of anylysing another Yasmina and Sammy scene, we're analyzing THESE TWO BAMFs!!!
OMFG, these two I can't with these two I love them so dearly my lord. One of my favourite brother/sister relationships of all time. Their so supportive of each other and have a "sorry I just threw you down a mountain, it's how I show affection :)" relationship it's the best dynamic ISTG.
Like, I think Ben is the only other person Yaz voluntarily hugs (Not counting all the time's with Brooklyn cause those were kinda out of like "I protec u").
Like, Yaz didn't really have a strong relationship with Ben before he became "Island Ben", but when she sees him, instead of standing in shock like Brook and Kenji, she just throws herself at him (In a very "Sammy-like" manner, if I do say so myself lol). She obviously cares for this boy, even in when he was "Scared-Ben" and before their relationship really took off.
And she CONTINUES holding on to him like a lifeline for a good 7 seconds (Trust, I counted lol) AND THEN SHE FUCKING-
She pulls him in AGAIN. And Ben isn't like, akward about it at all. He just hugs her back instantly, which to me screams that there were never any romantic interest between them (Sorry to those who ship these two) and honestly shows need more of this. Like, these two are the only ones in this series...
ok I take it back, no one has shipped Ben and Brooklyn or Darius and Sammy as far as I'm concerned, but they have such limited screentime together I can see why.
They're the only well-developed and HEALTHY non-romantic duo in this series.
But like, Brook, Kenji, and Darius all had this really...weird and unexplained love triangle going on. Like I swear I wasn't the only one picking up on Brooklyn and Darius in Season 1 and 2, but then it shifts to Kenji for no real reason. Then obviously Yaz and Sammy were hinted at since the very first episode lol, but these two.
They're not even really as sibling-coded as Darius and Kenji (Yet another ship that I hope no one wanted to sail because...ew. their brothers yall. BROTHERS). They're just...different. I really don't know how to explain it. Honestly the best way I can explain it is with these two vvv
Yaz would definitely call Ben "Dingus" and make a "You Rule | You Suck" board I will die on this hill.
And Yaz obviously trusts this boy with her life. Like, when they were hiding from the robo-dogs (Oh my god, the demodogs and demogorgons of JWCC, the BRADS and BRAD-Xs) she's leaning into him.
And then they think their gonna die and this snipped right here actually breaks and heals my heart at the same time 🥹
Yaz just clings to him and hides her face in his shoulder and Ben doesn't waste a single goddamn moment before he tries to shield her as best he can.
*Raine pauses and watches again for science*
Screaming, crying, sobbing over them.
Can't find the GIF for it, but in season 5 when Ben sees Bumpy on get off the boat and makes a run for it, Yaz is the first one who notices Ben is gone. She's looking around for him before everyone else and she's the one who asks "Where's Ben". It's the little details in their relationship.
There's a whole other post I might make tomorrow on the amazing wingmanship between these two with Sammy and Ben's hilarious misunderstanding of Yaz being Kenji's wingman (Still not over that).
I love these two so much, my babies :))) There's so many moments between them that I caught on my rewatch.
Can't wait for JWCT, I miss the children so muchhhh
Toodles!
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🚨SPOILERS FOR FANTASY HIGH JUNIOR YEAR EPISODE 8🚨
Dimension20 "Fantasy High Junior Year"
Episode 8 "Fracas at the Frostyfaire Folk Festival"
Timestamp: 39:40
Video Length: 4min. & 23sec.
Research into Cassandra and Ruvina + Learning about Oblivati Mori (Pt.1 | Pt.2 | ‣Pt.3)
Brennan: "But that would mean that if someone was able to write it, they would know it, but they would have to have a way of writing it without breaking Obliviati Mori. There's two pieces of information you guys can glean from that right away, the first of which is that belief and worship and the weird, tenuous alliances between gods where some of them are from the same region but have conflicting domains, and some gods have the same domain as other gods but are still ascendent in different areas or for different kinds of cultures or anything like that, all the gods have this agreement that is basically like, for lack of a better word, we're all playing the game, and if your fucking buddy or your pal or someone you love loses fair and square, you're not allowed to go to your mortal worshipers and say, "Hey, can we peel off a few followers to my buddy who's having a hard time right now?" It's basically like a law of, you are not allowed to root for each other. You are not allowed to pull for each other. You're not allowed to put a thumb on the scale in that way. If your flocks choose to have you work together, you can work together, but when a god dies, that's it. You're not allowed to cheat by reminding mortals that there was this other deity."
Siobhan: "But if we went and asked another deity about this god, would they then be able to tell us? Or would we have to specifically say their name?"
Brennan: "According to Obliviati Mori, they would not be able to tell you. But the law is a law, which immediately to you, Adaine, would tell you, well, any rule has ways of working around it."
Siobhan: "Ok, Great. So it's a law, but laws can be broken."
Brennan: "Yeah. And there might be enormous arcane penalties for so doing, but effectively, you know that there are dead gods. There are rules concerning how the other gods can refer to those dead gods to mortals, if they are even allowed to. And to a certain degree... But again, the second, biggest thing is, of course, this wouldn't be a thing unless gods could always remember dead gods."
Siobhan: "Mhmm."
Zac: "So do we have a sense of, when Lydia and her crew were on this mission, they never knew the name of this god, right? Or did they at one point know it?"
Brennan: "Lydia can confirm for you, she's like,"
Lydia: "We never knew the name of the god. We knew Bakur, the fiend, but-"
Fig: "Even though gods can't say the name, the name could still exist out there in texts."
Lydia: "Exactly, which is why a lot of, you know, if a god is trying to be crushed or scoured, you try to break their idols, erase their texts, burn the holy texts, all that kind of thing. But theoretically, if we had found the name written somewhere on text, that would have done it.
Fabian: "Then it makes sense why Cassandra said that thing about being like, I thought you were dead."
Fig: "I thought you were dead."
*multiple "yeah's" at the table* 😂🤣💀
Fabian: "Mm~."
Riz: "So if you had to get around it, maybe a way to do it would be to possess someone or something. Is it possible that Lucy..."
Fig: "Was possessed?"
Riz: "...was possessed?"
Fig: "All the Rat Grinders are suspiciously qui-. No one's grieving Lucy or anything like that."
Adaine: "Yeah, it's weird, right?"
Fig: "So the Rat Grinders are in on this, in some capacity. And I even think it's possible that, the way that Ivy reacted to me, either she saw through my disguise and so she was being cheeky, or Lucy's around somehow and they've just found another way to proselytize-"
Fabian: "Oh-! Maybe- Yes! 'Cause she did beckon to you, right? To be like-"
Fig: "Yeah, she was like, 'Oh- Okay, we're meeting up.'"
Fabian: "Ooo~ Yes, like a possession thing, where somebody's, the god is Lucy and- and-"
Murph: "What happened to that armor after Gilear had it?"
Emily: "What happened with the armor?"
Brennan: "He'd stolen it from Hell, and he just returned it to you when you guys got back from spring break."
Emily: "Where is it?"
Murph: "So, it just should be in Hell?"
Brennan: "Yeah, the Armor of Pride is back in the Hall of the Armors of Sin."
Murph: "Okay."
Brennan: "So the Armor of Pride is just down in Hell."
Emily: "And all the demons are archfey are fallen deities?"
Brennan: "Unclear. Some great celestials and fiends are created by gods in their status as celestials or fiends. Bakur was created by a god that he could no longer name, right, and so there's certain- But it looks like some divinities, some archfey or some celestials or some things like that, are gods who, their worship is waning and waning and waning or their divinity is waning and waning and waning, and they just make a decision to, rather than face death, become something that relies a little bit less on faith."
#dimension 20#dimension20#blog#fantasy high#fantasy high junior year#Fracas at the Frostyfaire Folk Festival#Fantasy High Fracas at the Frostyfaire Folk Festival#fantasy high junior year episode 8#fhjy ep 8#fantasy high scene#fantasy high junior year scene#dimension20 scene#queue#brennan lee mulligan#the bad kids#bad kids#the intrepid heroes#intrepid heroes#Cassandra#Ruvina#Corymr#Rana#Oblivati Mori#lydia barkrock
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Sometimes I experience deep, hollowing sadness and bitterness over the fact that cishet kids can do so many normal things with their friends that are too dangerous for queer kids to even ask for, no matter if it's wanted with the same intent
#sleepovers#being out together doing whatever#going with each other to family things#this post inspired by my younger brother getting to take his best friend to our family's Thanksgiving thing tomorrow no issues#when i have wanted to do that for years with my best friend - his older sister! - and couldn't even ask lest our parents lose their heads#and get weird and think we're fucking again#it sucks#and I'm happy for our brothers! i really am!#it just makes me mourn what we were/are forbidden#vent#paradox's brain
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Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.
#metalocalypse#jay talkin#I'm sorry they wrote that awful gross little man far too likeable and relatable to on a trans level#for me not to hoot and holler and cheer for the trans pickles agenda#changes nothing about his character arc or any of the show anyone is capable of being the kind of person he is#don't make the mistake of thinking thats exclusive to cis men#his transness wouldnt change that#only adds on an extra layer to him that i think works fantastically.#Listen that dude was rejected by his family driven to drink and drugs young to escape that ran away to be in a band#is called fucking Pickles of all things and refuses to tell anyone his real last name;#over the span of four seasons and two movies he slowly starts to learn to be for others what he never had#he becomes more caring more supportive#it's not a stretch to say he undoes some of the toxic masculinity he's been keeping himself shielded behind#and learns how to be a kinder man.#all of which have no contradictions with him being trans!#In fact it doesn't take much extra thought to find ways a lot of this can line up with some trans masculine experiences#i mean. Did no one else have a younger phase where they swung as far as they could into crass rude and uncaring ways#to try and assert their masculinity only to grow and realise that you can be a man and be more caring.#Did no one else have father issues. 1 800 come on now i know those are both shared experiences a lot of us have had LOL.#at the end of the day this show aired nearly 20 years ago and is finished. we're not getting more of it#so nothing is altered nor changed if pickles is canonically trans or not ok. its fine#i mean hell i dont even need canon confirmation hes trans to me and thats all i care abt#but i think if yr getting suuuuuper weird abt needing him not to be canonically trans you have some issues#and bio essentialist ideals of gender if you think only a cis man can act like he does#again. anyone can be like that. its not exclusive. him being trans would not change him in any way shape or form lol#AND ALSO GODDDUUUGH for once i love getting to see a guy pushing 50 whos depicted as trans#do you have any idea how dire and barren it is out here. we never get to see a trans guy older than 30 and whos not a pristine model#I WANT MORE OLD SHLUBBY SHITHEAD TRANS GUYS IN MEDIA
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im so annoyed with everything today, i think i need some tasty food and a million hours of sleep and then I'll be back to normal
#the teacher at the first class today was so dibsjdhdhdhdhsgs 😫#like she was teaching us things that are like unrelated to the class that shes teaching so idek why she was teaching it#but also its things that we have been learning since the 1st semester and we've done them in at least 10 classes and she was acting like#this was the 1st time we were hearing about it#like oh yeah we're on the 7th semester of studying nutrition but no one bothered to tell us how many calories are in a gram of fat#and she gave us homework 'to see if we know this' like#oh yes i can make a meal plan for a child with crohns or cystic fibrosis or celiac disease or everything else we've done this semester and#all the other semesters but i guess i cant tell you what micronutrients are in this one breakfast meal#like fuck off and stick to what you're supposed to be teaching#anyway i know im getting more annoyed than i should but she was just even more annoying than usual today#like she interrupted the lesson every 5 minutes to yell at someome to be quiet i wasnt even aware there were people talking until she yelled#anyway#also my new earphones aren't working well idk why ive definitely not been mistreating them that much for them to break in less than a month#like i had my old pair for at least 4 years until the broke and i dont think the wire got cut in them like the sound was coming out weird#but there was sound coming out. in the new ones you need to hold them in a very specific angle for sound to come out#and like im careful with how i put them away so what is up with them?#my theory is that they make wired earphones shitty on purpose so that you will spend a lot of money and buy wireless#also we had said from Tuesday that we would hang out with my friends today but i guess they forgot or idk and they made other plans#(to go home and sleep) and during the weekend the one friend wont be here and next week my family will be here so we probably wont hang out#again until next year and we have exams almost immediately so we wont be hanging out much then either#also my period is supposed to come soon and i hope that it will either come today or it will wait until after Christmas#ideally it will never come ever again but we cant always get what we want#anyway im gonna go eat the rest of my μεσογειακό and go take a nap#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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well . i WAS going to go to sleep . but now i think maybe that is going to be delayed .
#⸸#got super paranoid earlier and locked all the doors and windows . was fine for a few hours . decided i was going to lay down for bed#and got so deeply anxious abt the . current shit . Plus i was so sure i heard someone in the house that i threw up .lmao . lol .#like i feel . fine now . i think maybe i ate something weird too . cause usually i just Feel like im going to puke . but oh well#i dont even know who im afraid of tbh . the cops showing up at my door ? my grandad ? ******* ??? simply unknowable#but whoever it is . i am just fucking terrified lmao#emeto ment#also speaking of the cops it is getting to the point where i dreaddddd coming home bcs i just know any day now we're gonna get a note from#the fucking blight officer . which like ..realistically idk if that actually poses any danger . but i am already terrified of the cops#showing up at my house lmao . not that my neighbors know or would care but like . it just looms over my head .#anyways . im tired again . gooooooodnightttttttt
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I hate social media I hope all social media blows up forever I hope the entire internet gets deleted tomorrow amen
#I am goinggg to kill myself over this panopticon we're trapped in fr#sorry I'm mad because I saw a post hating bi lesbians again. but I'm GOING insane that every time I turn on my computer -#- I'm forced to see 100 takes about how so-and-so group is HARMFUL and full of EVIL FREAKS and I stg it's almost never about -#an actual harmful group its always something like 'lgbt people with an identity I don't understand' or like 'people who I think are weird'#idk I need to find a way to get un-addicted to the internet so I can take a fucking break because this is not healthy for me.#I need to spend a few weeks just hanging out with my irl weirdos and my dog (who's also a weirdo tbh) and that's it.#I want to make bracelets and get high and draw my fursona#and when I *do* pause to think about upsetting things I want those things to be IMPORTANT and MEANINGFUL#and not just discourse as a byproduct of un-analyzed disgust
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screaming myself hoarse til I pass out we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts!!!
#not about j we're good - about the friend who i haven't shut up about in the 14 years i've been on the hellsite#the fun part is that i know his forever career and his forever whereabouts and it will break my heart into shards for the rest of my life!#and goddamnit we weren't romantically together but instead together as part of a weirdly codependent friend group of four and we were#near identically weird and fucked up emotionally and in our humor and how we spoke and how we meshed and i will NEVER fucking get over it!!#i'm still agog that i sent you a last chance hail mary sort of letter like the lyrics in this song about how i think about you often and#have always believed in you and been rooting for you like all the rest of us who knew you before things got really bad because you were and#are such a fucking incredible person and musician and friend and so smart and creative and LOVABLE! i said that in the letter without#realizing alanis said that in one of THE best lost love songs of all goddamn time!#i wish i could tell you one more time - right now today immediately or better yet five years ago - how i have always loved and admired you#and everything about you. even now. all the way out here in iowa i am still loving you with everything i have in me every single day#knowing i will never speak to or see you again [i think about you all the time but i don't need the same] and i finally started to admit#that to myself and my friends and my therapist in 2021 and i'm more at peace with it than i ever was or thought i could be in 2019 and 2020#but i know it's gonna take my whole lifetime to get a grip on it and accept it. and it'll stop hurting one of these days. i know it will#i don't think i've ever loved a friend as much as I loved you. i think you were the best friend i've ever had#and that's one of the nastiest parts of it - we were good friends and you did seem to like me plenty#but i think i was the w-h-auden_morelovingone.txt by a mile. i was a weird obsessed stage 10 clinger.#and that's surely a large part of the dwelling and the fixation. if things had been more equal then maybe it'd be very different now.#guess i'll die because i sure ain't finding out!!#HELLO LOVES HAVE SOME RICH NUTRITIOUS ANNIE LORE ON THIS FINE FREEZING COLD SUNDAY AFTERNOON!#ann with an ie#<- this was a nightmare to type out and feel but i wanna keep it around for whenever i get the balls to talk about it in therapy again
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like theres not a lot of games im REALLY good at so when there are ones i latch on super hard. and boy have i latched on to this one
#and i think part of it is that im on console and therefore kinda at an automatic disadvantage?#like no matter what you do you still will never have as many buttons or the quick cursor movement as pc#so you have to make do with way less hotkeys and either just Way Less Weapon Options or brute force your way through them#like most ranged weapons are Ass on console aiming them is so frustrating because you cant just Put Cursor On Enemy And Track It#and grappling is so much harder too#like i have played a lot on pc too so this isnt just me going 'woe is me this must be harder' like it is So Much Harder#i had to kinda build my own key mapping from the ground up bc the defaults werent intuitive at all#except jump‚ you dont feel like having jump on a trigger makes sense and then you set it to b or a and then the next time you want to jump#while shooting youre like Ah. Its So I Dont Have To Let Go Of The Aiming Stick To Jump. and switch it back in shame#but ! all of that combined. console is so much harder. so i think my brain was like 'alright well in that case#fuck you im gonna get good at it anyways' and now we're here#also i didnt realize until recently that most people play it multiplayer???#like i looked up something i cant remember what but it was like 'if you like most others play in multiplayer-' and im like#Wait Huh.#and it said something about the bosses kind of being more scaled for multiple players and that#single player makes it harder again#so im just like. clawing my way through mud and barbed wire for fun#its funny too cause i remember the controls thing almost made me drop it again but then one day i was like#yeah they are weird as fuck controls and complicated as hell but i bet if i did it long enough i could force myself#to learn it well enough to make it instinct#and sure enough !! like the grapple button when i first set it to b it was sooo hard to use at all#forget shit like grapple dashing or grapple dodging i could barely aim it while walking#and then i realized i had to just. only use the grapple when i could be pointing the movement stick the way i needed#so i couldnt use it as often or as versatilely as pc but i can still use it to some degree#adapt achieve overcome etc i fucking love vibeo game#sorry if this is bragging or weird im just very proud of the amount of skill in this game ive built up so quick#its my one (1) thing right now#my other ones are binding of isaac (not dead god but still p fuckin good tbh *tucks hair behind ear)#splatoon (2&3 specifically salmon run)#but those ones arent really active right now
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trying so so hard to convince my brain that im NOT asking one of my friends on a date rn so that it stops doing the butterflies. its not a date i need to do this photoshoot for a project and my concept that i thought of that my brain got committed to was a night-out-on-the-town sort of vibe so we're gonna have to be out in a well lit town area around dusk anyways it just makes sense that we would find a restaurant in the area where we choose to take photos and ill pay for us to get a nice dinner. its not a date. its. for art.
#augh#it doesnt help that we've had a vaguely romantic friendship for the past idk how many years#and have actively in recent past said that we would definitely date each other if we didnt have our individual little fucked upedness#when it comes to romance and dating#and also the fact that we have a marriage pact (we're gonna get married when we're 30- it started as a joke i made but now i think its legi#just me rambling again#its for a photography project i need to do its not a date i swear#im not asking them out its for a project its not weird or anything
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