#and dont @ me saying 'oh but they meant specifically romantic love' thats the fucking problem
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hunter tf you mean “grimwalkers can’t feel love?????” hello????? wanna say that again to camila? to gus??? to luz?????
#this is about the huntlow art by that one storyboarder#hunter babygirl camila dove into freezing water to save your ass#gus saw you lurking around his school being a sussy baka and gave you his sandwich#luz got herself captured by kikimora and taken to belos for you????????? hello??????#you tried to drown yourself to keep belos from hurting your friends????????? is this not love???????#anyway that art is bad and wrong and amatonormativity is a bitch#and dont @ me saying 'oh but they meant specifically romantic love' thats the fucking problem#theyre gonna dedicate their time to a bland ship between two interesting characters#whose relationships with literally every other main character are infinitely more interesting than their relationship with each other#whose arcs outside of shoehorned storyboards literally do not relate to a romantic arc at all#but bc theyre 'dating' this relationship is immediately more important than hunters entire found family#or willows seasons long developing relationship with amity and her strong bond with gus#toh#the owl house#shut up pandora#hunter toh#hunter noceda#camila noceda#gus porter#luz noceda#lowhunt
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ok i know u hate shameless now but thoughts on the new scenes?
i dont have thoughts since i didnt watch it but from what i’ve seen of gifs, i will be saying something super bitchy under the cut, for several paragraphs
PSA: i’m about to be a huge bitch for awhile. seriously, nothing nice is about to be said. please do not read if you like the show because live and let live but i hate the show itself.
they realllllyyy tossed their 2 gays in jail and it’s meant to be soooo progressive and iconic somehow, and romantic????? even though mickey threatens him with a shiv and theyve been straight up fucking with MAYO this entire goddamn time because we LOVE a dual yeast infection!!!!!! they never have prep and half the time theyre banging with their underwear on 😭😭😭 have the shameless writers EVER gotten laid? and specifically gay sex as well is portrayed so badly sdnflksjdlfkj it’s so weirdd please stop making me look at it
anyway enough of the fixation on the sex because i could literally go for hours but ALSO……it’s taken TEN YEARS for a mutual ‘ily’ like the bar has been buried deep, deep in the earth’s core and people are still lauding it okkkk…..not to mention that apparently theyre getting married? by HIJACKING the wedding of ian’s little sister?? thats so shitty lol and mickey has a black eye because god forbid theres any gay tenderness without the underlying violence that theyre apparently STILL playing with five years later like omg did you learn nothingggg from s4/5 it’s so done it’s so boring. having to undercut love with violence bc toxic masculinity is the most tired thing on earth, and i say that as someone who watches always sunny and yes: im SICK TO DEATH!!! of this happening with mac and dennis too oh my god, but shameless specifically is bad with it because none of the other relationships are treated this wayyyy
also apparently terry tries to burn down their wedding because why NOT….lets throw some more trauma onto this. nobody wants to see terry anymore and hes such a violent homophobe but like. and i cant say if this is still true because i havent watched in several years but last time i checked terry was an ~outlier~ he was like the only one who had a problem with gay ppl and they ratcheted it up to a ten which is soooo disingenuous to the actual gay experience but i digress….the point is why would they have him traumatize mickey at his second wedding was the y*v*g*y disaster not bad enough. i had to sit through so many fics about mickey being a dad to the product of his rape i really cannot do this againnn
anyways clearly im digressing to problems with sh*meless overall and not just from this season so i’ll stop. and this is just the ianmickey stuff like i can’t even BEGIN to talk about the issues with fiona, debbie, frank, and lip because this post is already stupidly long. i will just say that i hate theyre bringing them back to the dugout, for no specific reason but it just feels like the writers continuing to spit in the faces of fans since we’re the ogs who made the dugout special and they treated it like trash. anyways
tldr; WHY ARE THEY THREATENING EACH OTHER IN JAIL AND HAVING IT POSED AS ROMANTIC.
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quick vent
because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.
Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.
my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.
not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.
I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK
And then i get shit for it
love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically, but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.
I am so lonely.
I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.
why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home
does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?
The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt
how am i a person who shares so little yet so much
BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me
but how fucked up am i
and will that push them away
im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting
and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.
im exhausted
One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it
i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD
I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around
Matt
He makes me question if im asexual
But I am only a human
porbably deifntieyl still asexual
but too much all the same
Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for
hours.
this is becoming poetry.
I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record
stop being poetic fuck off liz
he;s so
I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time
we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun
because voices is what we like to do
i love voice acitng
he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do
he likes what i do
he loves the characters and my many talents
he loves my writing
he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends
is it for me?
does he want... me
or just my character maggie that everyone loves
he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer
he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am
i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly
he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth
“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”
“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME
its been so long since ive been understood by a peer
(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)
“No, not yet at least.”
*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*
“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”
thank you isha for lightening the mood
thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.
my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed
soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.
just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did
sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.
i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.
I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all
i was comfortable with the idea but
it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.
i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with.
I will respect him to tell me.
he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to have recently)
I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me
i felt young again
when the stream was over he got up to leave.
i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word
i dont know if we did
we made small talk
shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening
i agreed.
the last words that night were goodnights.
me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him
he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)
it was a nice night
when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier
i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video
i just went to sleep
2 am
i hope the weather continues
- jaques cruzio, pink panther
now im just in bed
at the family home
not my dorm
fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest
i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago
and here we are
12:14 am
just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.
i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.
I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.
i want to be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life
because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes
(so far)
thanks for listening, void.
actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.
proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.
or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.
I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.
i like in person better.
with anyone.
always have
i have so much more on my mind
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lmao oh man. ok ive been talking to a guy who from the start knew i wasnt interested in any romantic stuff - i told him up front, he told me he wasnt either. cool cool. so we met for a coffee and yeah im not attracted to him, but he is intellectually stimulating u know. like where you can have many hours of conversation because hes really communicative and blunt and honest and has a very different view on life than me etc. which i like about him. i learn so much from direct opposites. we become friends. well, flirty friends, but honestly he is the only one doing the flirting during this entire time. ive been very specific not to as to not send any mixed signals, and have had to dodge some straight-forward sexual stuff a few times. not at all because i dont want to talk sex, we have absolutely talked sex, but not with each other, and i just really dont want him to think im attracted.
however he turned out to be a pretty... petty and unchill person. at times, anyway. as i said i like talking to him and do so quite often, or did so anyway, up until recently. a while ago he started to get very contrarian, like, edgy? rude, but at first in a playful way. i dont have a problem with rude when its in a playful/comunicative way, im amused by that and i indulge in dishing it back playfully from time to time. but it was very obvious he was doing it because i mentioned i was into "rude" guys, maybe once, when we were talking about my former love interests. and by rude i definitely dont mean as in someone whos all high and mighty, self-entitled, or stuff like personal attacks, im talking about a kind of humor, or in a charming, charismatic and mischievous way. and maybe that is my fault for not specifying what that actually meant, idk. its still kind of strange completely rearranging your personality based on something i said once, you know? it all felt very contrived to me.
but anyway, he also started to get pissed off that i would see my friends but couldnt see him (he lives in a different city...) and about how i could afford to go drink beer with my friends and not drink tea at his place (he also doesnt drink and, again, lives in a different city) and im like... ok first, im not even that into you in comparison, i will always pick my friends over others, i prioritize my money (i am by NO MEANS wealthy omfg) the way i want and on what is proportional to what i get out of the experience. im not going to put out a lot of money on a train ticket to sit at home with you, a guy ive met in public ONCE, when i have all of my biggest friend groups in this city, here, where i live, and we enjoy drinking beer, watching soccer, going to the beach, hanging out in parks, having game nights and hosting and going to parties etc etc. heck yes im going to spend my last money on being with them. and i have told him this, and also that if i had more of a disposable income right now i would obviously be freer to do whatever. ive never been against going to his place to hang out and not having it involve any alcohol, thats all cool, but right now i just cant afford it, and i would prefer to hang out in public some more. but hes not into my scene, so what am i gonna do. and i dont think its strange to think like, i know my last bucks will get me two beers at the cheapest bar, but two beers are still not the price of a (one-way) train ticket. but he just... gets mad about it. in a very childish way. and i keep a very open an honest discussion with him, and most of the time he gets it. hes not dumb or socially awkward, i know hes not, but hes kind of... hard to deal with, i guess is the right word, when there is a personal relationship. in a not so charming way. where he can come off as uncertain, distristful(!) and a bit egocentrical. a classic "ive been hurt by hierarchy for most of my life so now im always on high alert and im going to be as obtuse and snarky as possible so i can feel like i have some sort of control and i WILL take up space and society WILL give me what i feel ive been cheated of my entire life also emotionally im a scared child and really really need validation but im never ever going to admit that". most of the time hes not, but when he started "demanding" to know why i couldnt hang out, or what my expenses were(!!) i immediately got turned off. having to motivate or explain your life and choices to a person youve met once and that you, sure, appreciate, but that you dont really know? no thanks. people not trusting me or my reasons makes me angry, because i put so much value in honesty, so i got angry at him (which is VERY not my character). and he kind of took a step back.
we havent spoken as intensely since then, maybe two weeks ago, and i honestly dont mind except for i like to write and communicate with a lot of people about a lot of stuff to keep myself occupied and he is now one less person to do that with i guess. but now he casually struck up a convo on my snapchat on a post "where i looked hot". i was like heh thanks! and he went on saying "i need to remind myself of how good-looking you are sometimes... kind of stupid actually"
so im like... uhuh... why would you need to remind yourself of that? already finding it a bit cringey
and he says "because i forget about you? xD"
aaaand im rolling my eyes trying not to gag. he is obviously looking for a reaction and im like wtf are we 15
then he fucking says, all philosophical like: "sometimes we need to be reminded why we start talking to/hitting on someone in the first place" and i was just like...... ok stop... what a fucking backhanded compliment. that actually was you telling me that i havent been paying attention to you that much and you want my attention.
god.
again, so turned off by this kind of personality. and i dont mean that only sexually, i mean... i dont think we can be friends, man. youre acting kinda gross. "we" as in, people of the earth, dont need to be reminded of that. that is not a universal truth. this is cringyness, a wounded ego on a high horse.
idk maybe he was trying to be nice or trying to say hes sorry because he was out of line earlier, but i genuinely dont think he thinks so himself, but... ugh. i am not into this. i am not into him. i have been doing my best not to string him along by the way, by being veeeery open about the fact that i sleep with different people, and not just guys, and that i like being single right now and that i have many issues to take care of and heal, so i hope he doesnt feel like ive been doing that to him for some reason.
im just very over this guy. i basically answered him that it sounded more like a backhanded compliment than anything else and that i know ive been bad at ~paying attention~ to him in that way lately, and that im aware of that because im just not interested in paying that kind of attention to anyone at all right now. lets see what his response is. i bet on either a douche guy "lmao ok i was just giving you a compliment chill" or a niceguy/neckbeard "wow youre not better than me". or perhaps hell be an adult about it. i feel like i do have some faith in him still.
but jesus christ the cringe
update: this was a while ago and i dont remember what he answered but it surprisingly wasnt any of the above. we stopped talking for a few months tho and now im in love with a gorgeous person that i recently became exclusive with. this guy is still someone i talk to now and then on snapchat. he semi-regularly drops compliments on my selfies and i guess thats just fine, but his snaps are very very bitter and sometimes i can tell he wants to get my attention. 🤷♂️
#what a fuckin#nice guy#right??#honestly... it hurts me to say but he kind of reminds me of a#neckbeard#not an#incel#although he can come off as bitter at the world but i know hes not delusional#im just... so done#hey!#cuestar
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