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thiswasinevitableid · 4 years

Note

42 or 20 with indruck! Can you tell I'm a sap?? ❤❤❤

I went with 20, since I’ve actually done a variation for 42 for Indruck before.

Prompt 20 from this list: My amazing partner just dumped me. Please come home with me for the holidays and pretend to be my partner.

“DUCK I NEED HELP!”

Duck’s used to his neighbor and friend entering his house without knocking. After all, he does much the same to him. But the panicked tone is enough to send him tumbling off the couch.

“Ow. What’s up, ‘Drid?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Indrid drops to the floor to check on him, and Duck waves his hand dismissively to show he’s fine, “I’m just, it’s, I realized another horrible part of Derrick dumping me.”

Duck sits up, facing his friend as the thinner man continues, “The few times I spoke with my parents since I started dating him, I bragged about how wonderful he was. Goodness knows they’d criticized me enough for everything else, at the very least it felt nice to tell them my relationship was going well. And now I get to go home in a week for the holidays, without the wonderful boyfriend I told them all I had. It’s going to make everything worse.”

Duck nods sympathetically. He’d been the first person Indrid told about the break up, Derrick leaving him abruptly two weeks ago after revealing he’d been dating someone else at the same time until he could make up his mind about who would make the better.

He’d apparently said Indrid needed “too much work” to be the winning partner. Duck keeps hoping to run into the guy so he can give him a piece of his mind (and tell him to be glad it’s Duck, and not Aubrey, who’s confronting him because she is pissed).

Indrid is weird, sure. He can be absentminded, messy, can leave sketches scattered across his floor for weeks. But he’s funny, thoughtful, and Duck has pictured him without clothes more than once, wondering what it would be like if it was him drawing the high, faintly cracked noises from him on the other side of the wall.

But more than any of that Duck always gets a strange sense of belonging when he comes home in the evening and sees Indrid’s apartment lit beside his own, still dark one. Indrid is home, next door, and that means things will be okay.

Duck would have given anything to be in Derricks place.

“Duck, I need you to come with me and pretend to be my boyfriend.”

Duck should have put some specifications on that statement.

“‘Drid, you full well I can’t lie well enough to pull that off. And ain’t they gonna notice I’m nothin’ like the guy you told ‘em about?”

“I kept everything vague to decrease the chances of them finding something to disapprove of. You won’t need to lie, Duck, please I’ll,” Indrid’s gaze darts around the room, his red glasses sitting on his forehead allowing Duck to enjoy the light brown of his eyes, “I’ll design your next tattoo for free, I’ll pay both our internet bills for a year, I’ll, ah, I’ll-”

“Whoah, whoah, ‘Drid, you ain't got to do anythin like that. We’re friends, we help each other out.”

“So you’ll do it?” Indrid bites the inside of his lip.

“How long would it be?”

“Five days, six if we hit bad weather coming back up here. That wouldn’t take you away from work too long, would it? Or do they expect the part time rangers to cover the holidays?”

“Nah, the center is closed on Christmas. And I’m pretty sure Juno wants a few extra hours anyway. I’ll ask to be sure, but think I oughta be able to get the time off.” He looks back at Indrid’s face. There are bags under his eyes, the result of the semester and graveyard shifts at a coffee shop. His strange, wide smile is tentatively trying to spread across his face. It’s the first time since the break up he’s looked hopeful.

“Yeah, what the hell, can’t let my friend be lonesome for the holidays.”

Indrid makes a delighted noise, flapping his hands, “Thank you!” He throws his arms around Duck, and Duck returns the hug. Indrid loves his hugs (most people love Duck’s hugs, but Indrid’s opinion tends to take up the most space in his mind).

He’s doing his friend a favor, and that makes the fact this is a terrible idea worth the risk. And hey, five days paling around with his friend in some fancy seaside town will be fun.

-----------------------------------------------

Juno: You know that’s a terrible idea, right?

Juno: Pretending to date Indrid is going to make for one heartbroken Duck and you know it.

Duck: It’ll be fine

Juno: How long have you had a crush on him again?

Duck: A year. And we stayed friends the whole time because I fucking knew when to keep it to myself. And I can keep keeping it to myself because his friendship means more to me than my fucking dick.

Juno: ……..

Juno:...... Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you

Duck tosses the phone on the bed as he finishes packing his suitcase. Yes, he’s had a crush on Indrid for awhile. And yes, by the time he realized just how intense the crush was, Indrid was in a relationship that made him happy, and the strength of the crush was overwhelmed by the desire to not make Indrid’s life harder. So Duck kept those feelings to himself, focused on being Indrid’s friend, including putting in a good word on his behalf to their landlord so he could get the little studio apartment next to Duck’s one-bedroom.

Who knows, maybe spending so much time in close proximity will get rid of the crush….

-------------------------------------

…………….Or it will make it ten times stronger Duck muses during his turn at the wheel. It’s the west coast, so there’s no snow, but rain patters on the windshield as they drive down I-5. Indrid is humming along with the playlist he put on, finishing up the last of the meal they grabbed from Dairy Queen. He’s been intermittently hand feeding Duck fries so he can keep driving.

He also does a thing where eagerly and licks the spoon while eating his Blizzard and Duck is afraid he might hit the guard rail if he doesn’t stop staring.

“How did we meet?” Indrid asks somewhere near Sacramento.

“Uh, think Dani introduced us, right?”

Indrid nods, “That’s what I thought. We’ll need to have our story straight, but it seems easiest just to describe our relationship as truthfully as possible.”

“You mean we ain’t tellin ‘em we me when I rescued you from an evil goat?”

Indrid “humphs” crossing his arms, “I did not expect to tackled at the petting zoo. But I appreciated the rescue all the same.”

“Thought Aubrey was gonna wet her pants laughin at you.” Duck giggles at the memory of Indrid flat on his back with an extremely hungry goat on top of him.

They run through increasingly ridiculous things to tell Indrids family; that they met on a botched bank robbery, they got trapped in an elevator together, their characters fell in love during a game of D&D and it spread out into their real lives, and so on until Indrid is doubled over with laughter. It would be so easy, feel so natural to reach over and squeeze his hand or stroke his face as they both come down from their giggling fits, but Duck knows better than to trap his friend in a car with unwanted affection.

By the time they reach Carmel, it’s well after ten at night. Indrid drives the last leg, explaining that the house numbers can be tricky to see. They arrive at a stately three story house four blocks from the beach.

“Right.” Indrid sits in the front seat, key in his hand but showing no desire to reach for the door, “here goes nothing.”

They carry their bags up to the house, which is all dark save for the porch light. Once they’re inside, Indrid slips off his shoes, Duck following suit and immediately spotting why.

“Who has this much white carpet?”

“My parents.” Indrid grumbles.

They tiptoe towards the stairs, and in spite of the fact they’re expected guests, Duck feels like they’re teenagers slipping in after curfew. The bedroom Indrid leads them to is bland.

“My, they really did take it all down.” Indrid sighs, setting his suitcase on the floor.

“This was your room?”

“Yes. I wonder what they did with all the art and posters. I liked a lot of them. And I’d lay money that all of Brad’s sports awards are still up somewhere. They always preferred those to my art.” He sighs as he changes into his pajamas, then slides under the floral bedspread.

Duck didn’t bring pajamas. He just sleeps in his boxers.

“Um” He points at himself in an attempt to indicate the problem. Indrid goes completely still, looking him up and down.

“It’s alright, Duck. That doesn’t bother me. Come on” he pats the mattress, flipping back the covers, “I’m cold and you’re a spaceheater disguised as a man.”

Duck snorts,settles beside him, “No, you’re just an icicle that got an art degree.”

Indrid barks out a laugh, sets his glasses on the bedside table “Touche. Goodnight, Duck.”

“Night, Drid.”

The light goes out and Duck nestles under the covers. Should he roll over so his back is to Indrid? No, that might seem like he’s hiding something. But rolling towards him could be too much, seem like this is real instead of a trick they’re playing.

“Duck?” Indrid whispers.

“Yeah?” He rolls over, finds Indrid on his side facing him.

“Thank you. For coming with me. The, the next few days may be a bit awkward.”

“‘Drid, I wasn’t expectin anythin else. Not after eveythin you told me about your folks.”

“I know but, well.” Indrid takes his hand, toying with his fingers, “I’m sorry in advance for anything they say. Or do. Or imply. Or-”

“‘Drid.” Duck takes their joined hands, holds them against his chest, “You ain’t gotta apologize to me for shit they might do. I knew what I was gettin into when I agreed to this.”

“Thank you.” Indrid says again. He looks so tired.

“Go to sleep, icicle.”

Indrid smiles in the darkness, and shuts his eyes. He keeps his hand in Ducks, humming softly when Duck pulls the larger quilt over them. Their hands stay linked as Duck sinks into the pillows and a deep sleep.

-----------------------------------------------

Indrid towels himself off absentmindedly, eyeing the china-shop decor of his once lovely room. Duck volunteered to venture downstairs in search of coffee for them (Indrid trusts three people to make his coffee sweet enough: himself, his friend Barclay, and Duck). Indrid woke up first this morning, found Ducks head resting against his shoulder. He took his time studying the lines of his face, wondering if Duck would let Indrid draw him. Ideally, nude.

Maybe asking his friend who he has a raging crush on to join him on his trip was a bad idea.

He’d realized his feelings for Duck about four months ago. But he was happy with Derrick (well, until the last two months before the break-up, when he’d suddenly gone cold around Indrid), and knew it was common to get crushes on people even when dating someone. Besides, he and Duck were close friends; Duck made him feel safe, didn’t judge him for his quirks, was funny and charming in his own quiet way. So what if he occasionally pictured him while masturbating, imagining what it felt like to kiss him on every inch of his body?

There’d been a temptation to ask Duck out in the days after the break up. But his friend would no doubt assume Indrid was treating him as a rebound, and Duck deserved to feel truly wanted. Now it might be too late.

The door swings open and Duck shuts it quickly behind him.

“This is a fuckin labyrinth.”

Indrid chuckles, “Couldn’t find the kitchen?”

“No! Thank fuck we got a bathroom attached to this place or I;d go to take a piss and you’d never fuckin see me again.”

“If it’s any consolation, you don’t need to worry about a Minotaur unless my brother is up.”

A silver bell rings and blinks, “Does your family use a fuckin dinner bell?”

“Yes.” Indrid finishes dressing as Duck checks his hair in the mirror, “and it means it’s time to face the family.” He holds out his hand, “stay close; I’d hate to lose you in the maze.”

Duck hesitates, then grabs his hand, and they head downstairs.

His parents and brother beat them there.

“Is that really what you’re wearing out today?” His mother asks when they appear.

“Hello to you as well.” He and Duck sit side by side, and he only relinquishes Ducks hand in order to pass dishes.

“So,” His father eyes Duck, the scrutiny in the gaze making Indrid wince automatically, “you’re Indrid’s boyfriend.”

“Yep. Name’s Duck, and it’s real nice to meet y’all.”

Brad, his brother, snorts, “Duck?”

“It’s a nickname, oh, thanks darlin.” He smiles when Indrid hands him a cup of coffee.

“Indrid says you’re interested in...environmental science, yes?” His father continues.

“More or less. Done a lot of work in forestry and botany and such. Goal is to be a full time ranger in a national park or somethin.”

“I don’t know why we even have those; why the fuck are we preserving a bunch of trees when that land could help enrich the economy.”

“Shut up, Brad.” Indrid glares.

“Indrid, manners. Besides, your brother has a point. All that land could be a boon for mining and development,”

“With all due respect, uh, Mr.Cold, public lands are one of the best ideas we’ve had as a country. And they bring in lots of money to places that wouldn’t get it otherwise. Hell, back home in Kepler, most of the money comes from tourists visitin the national forest.” Duck chews his eggs thoughtfully, “Plus, screwin nature only comes back to bite us in the end.”

“At least it’s a degree that has a potential job that comes after it.” His mother stares pointedly at him and Indrid groans.

The rest of breakfast goes much the same, and Indrid pulls Duck from the table as soon as he’s done eating.

“Right, that was awful.” Indrid sinks onto his bed.

“And you didn’t eat anythin.”

“I had toast.” Indrid snips back.

“One piece. Come on, darlin, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I let my sweetheart starve?” Duck catches the pet names this time, coughs, “sorry, figured better to keep up the game in the house, in case someone can hear us.”

Right, of course. Duck’s being practical. He doesn’t really think of Indrid as his darling.

“There somewhere in town you like?” Duck settles beside him, voice gentle, “It’s okay if there ain’t. Can even brave the labyrinth and grab you leftovers if you need me to.”

Indrid meets his eyes, and gingerly rests his head on his shoulder, “Well, there is one place…”

------------------------------------------------------------

The outdoor mall is obscenely cheery, Christmas trees covered in shiny baubles and carols blasting from storefronts. Signs tout the perfect gift for that special someone, and Duck imagines himself wandering from salesperson to salesperson until he finds the thing that could show Indrid just how much he cares about him.

After a leisurely breakfast in a tiny, scruffy cafe (indeed, the only scruffy store amidst the pristine, wealth soaked chains and boutiques) in which Indrid scarfed two cinnamon rolls the size of his head, they wander arm in arm, window shopping and people watching. Indrid relaxes incrementally, and keeps casting strange, affectionate glances Ducks way.

In spite of the chilly weather, they opt to go to the beach, finding it mostly deserted. Indrid shows him a patch of tidepools, and proceeds to ask a dozen questions about what he’s seeing. Duck does his best, though ocean life isn’t his specialty.

“Oooh, hello little friend.” Indrid is on his stomach, leaning over one of the pools with a hermit crab in his hand, “your shell is so pretty.”

“Uh, ‘Drid, you might wanna keep an eye on that-”

Splash

“Wave.” Duck tries not to laugh at his friend, who now looks like a surprised, damp cat.

“Oh dear.” Indrid looks at his soaked top half and shudders, “that is going to be unpleasant to walk home in.”

“Here, take those off.” Duck unzips and doffs his jacket, unbuttons his green shirt and hands it to the taller man, “That oughta help until we get back.”

Indrid, skinny and shivering, takes the shirt and slips it on. His fingers fumble and Duck steps forward and begins buttoning it for him.

“You don’t-” Indrid starts

“I want to” Duck finishes. When he buttons the last one, he looks up and finds their noses nearly brushing.

“We should head back.” Indrid murmurs.

“Yeah.” Duck drops his gaze, taking a step back, “lead the way, darlin.”

Indrid hops off the rock onto the sand, offering his hand to Duck so he can do the same. Duck supposes they don’t need to hold hands on the empty beach.

They end up holding them all the way back to the house.

------------------------

It all comes to a head at dinner the next night.

“This is low even for you, bro.” Brad grins.

Indrid rolls his eyes, “What is?”

“Bringing a fake boyfriend because your skinny ass got dumped.”

The little bit Indrid’s eaten threatens to come back up. Duck is still, save for the chewing on the inside of his lip.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Indrid responds coolly.

“Friend of a friend on Insta said in a group text that he knows your ex.” Brad looks over at their mother, “Apparently Indrid is too stupid to know when he’s being strung along, and too much of a dud to actually keep the guy.”

“In that case” His father turns to Duck, “how did you end up involved in this?”

“Probably paid him.” Brad sips his beer and Indrid growls.

“Actually” Duck says quietly, “I came because Indrid asked me to. Couldn’t say no to the most amazin guy I know. Indrid’s perfect and Derrick was shitty to him. Just cause we ain’t had time to put a label on things don’t mean I ain’t crazy about him. And for your information” he stares down Brad, “that ‘skinny ass’ is the nicest lookin ass on the entire coast, and you are the shittiest siblin’ I’ve ever had the displeasure of meetin’.”

“How dare you?” His mother hisses and Indrid takes that opportunity to bolt, certain Duck will follow him. As he’s halfway up the stairs he hears Duck drawl, “Mom always said money can’t buy class. Thanks for the real-time demonstration.”

By the time his friend enters the bedroom, Indrid is huddled on the bed, trying not to cry.

“Shit, ‘Drid, I’m sorry, that was outta line of me but I can’t, I couldn’t sit there and let ‘em talk to you like that. I know you got your reasons for not speakin up, but you don’t deserve to have no one takin your side.”

“It’s not that. I can’t, Duck, how could you say those things knowing full well we aren’t together? Do you have any idea how badly I’ve wanted to believe you feel that way about me? That’s the most loved I’ve felt in months and I know it was a lie.” He buries his face in his hands, glasses denting his skin.

“Hey, goofus.” Duck nudges him until he looks up, “you’re forgettin the part where I can’t lie.”

The gears of the world grind to a halt, and in a frozen moment in time Indrid processes a dozen realizations at once.

“You do like me.” He whispers.

“No shit, darlin. Indrid, I’ve been into you for months, but I didn’t wanna push you away by tellin you and makin’ you uncomfortable. I meant every goddamn word, and that all barely scratches the surface of how bad I want youMOphhhm.”

Kissing Duck is a hundred times better than he ever imagined, the two of them tangled up before they even fall fully backwards. Warm fingers tangle in his hair and Duck whimpers beneath him, arching frantically into Indrids touch.

“Fuck me.” Duck pants when Indrid lets him breathe.

“Not here. I, I think we should go somewhere else, leave early. They don’t want me here, not really, we could go home, rent a hotel room, anything, Duck, goodness please let’s get out of here.”

“It was an exclamation goofus, this room is a boner killer if there ever was one. But yeah, gettin gone sounds real fuckin good to me. I’ll let you take the lead, sugar.”

“You promise?”

Duck kisses his nose, “Wherever you wanna go, darlin. I’ll be right there next to you. I promise.”

#indruck #indrid cold/duck newton #fake dating au #winter aus

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houseofvans · 5 years

Photo

ART SCHOOL | INTERVIEW WITH JUSTINE JONES

Baltimore based artist and illustrator Justine Jones creates her vein of psychedelic fantasy horror drawings–filled with tiny black lines and an occasional pop of bright colors–which have been featured on the covers of Kobold Press and Warlock magazine. Using the hashtag #VisibleWomen to amplify the voices and portfolios of women comic artists, Justine has be able to do more illustrative work and character design. We’re excited to find out more about Justine’s artistic journey, her love of role-playing games, comics, art, her influences and much more. . . Take the leap!

Photography courtesy of the artist.

Introduce yourself? Hi, I’m Justine! I’ve lived in Baltimore Maryland for the past decade and currently live in a small apartment downtown with my partner and my shiba inu Mo, who is a cool and grumpy guy.

How would you describe your work to someone who is just coming across it? I used to call it storybook surrealism, but now I guess it’s more like psychedelic fantasy horror? Monsters and Wizards. Lots of tiny black lines, sometimes with lots of bright intense colors.

How did you start from doodling and drawing to what you do now? I feel like it sort of happened organically. When I was younger, I would do just pencil drawings, and then in my late teens, I got more into using micron pens. I didn’t really discover color until a few years ago, so I’m a huge color noob. I think a lot of it also came from working in comic shops for years and going to conventions. Seeing all of these amazing artists grow, and thinking hey, I could maybe also do that! I first started with t-shirt designs because it just seemed really fun, and I used to have a really hard time selling prints. People don’t need more prints, but they can always use clothes! Now i’m getting more into illustrative work and character design, and I’m loving it!

Who and what were some of your early artistic influences? When I was a baby, my dad hung an Aubrey Beardsley print over my crib. My mom thought it would make me deranged, and maybe it did, but it also made me love ink work and Art Nouveau style haha. I was obsessed with sword and sorcery stuff and loooved cartoons like He-Man and She-ra, and later, Pirates of Darkwater. I also spent a lot of time in elementary school copying sexy comic book ladies from 90s comics, and I know that is pretty far from what I do now, but it’s honestly how I learned to draw. I also copied a lot from children’s storybooks when I was little.

What are some things that inspire the drawings you make? What are some of your favorite creatures and beings you like to explore in your art? Video games are a huge inspiration to me, from SNES JRPGs, to games like Dark Souls and Bloodborne. Also folklore and mythology from around the world, and fantasy artwork from the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Basically anything fantasy. My favorite things to draw are wizards and monsters. I love body horror, anything disgusting and beautiful at the same time. I take a lot of inspiration from Manga, like Berserk, or anything Junji Ito. I’ve done a lot of Illustrations for Clark Ashton Smith stories, which I find endlessly inspiring, visually. Just like, fantasy/ sci fi/ dying earth type stuff.

When did you start collaborating with Kobold Press on creating some awesome fantasy art covers for their publications? I remember getting the email from them when I was on the way to Necronomicon Providence in 2017. I thiiiink they found my stuff through the visible women hashtag on twitter? I was very excited because I owned some of their adventures from back in the day when I played Pathfinder!! Plus, I have always always wanted to draw things for table top RPGs, so it’s been really cool to actually do it! The Warlock mag that I’ve been doing covers for is awesome because it’s going for an old school DND vibe, but it’s all things that are made for 5th edition. You can get it on their patreon, and I hiiiighly recommend it to anyone who plays 5e dnd!!

Take us through your artistic process? What’s a typical day in the studio like? Haha extremely chaotic! I don’t even have a real set workspace, which I really need to change, I just draw where ever. Just chill out, listen to music or a podcast, and draw. If I’m further along in a drawing and don’t need to focus so much, I’ll watch movies or video gameπ– let’s plays while I’m drawing. I also love to listen to/ watch things that are in theme with what I’m drawing, to give me some inspiration. I try to go to coffee shops to change things up sometimes! Basically I just do a bunch of sketches until something materializes, and then I will just slowly refine the sketch. I guess it’s not that exciting, but it’s cool to see the first sketch and the finished product because in my head, the sketch always looked like the finished product, but when you go back to look at it, it’s usually just indecipherable scribbles.

What are your essential art tools and materials? 90% of my art is just done using a .05 mechanical pencil and micron pens. I also draw everything on smooth bristol. If I have time and want to make my lines super crisp before I scan them in, i will use a light box. Then for color, I generally use Kyle T Webster brushes in Photoshop with my Wacom tablet. If I’m on the go, I like to draw things in Procreate on my iPad Pro, but I’m definitely not as good at doing detailed lines digitally.

What do you do when you’re not drawing or working on projects? How do you unplug? Haha, I wish I ever truly unplugged, I think my brain is now melded into the internet! But mostly I love to play video games. JRPGs and anything From Software/ Soulsborne (currently obsessed with Sekiro!) I also love comics and manga. I’ve been reading The Girl From the Other Side, which is a beautiful dark fairytale Manga by Nagabe. I also just got one called Witch Hat Atelier, which has the most amazing art! My partner also owns an insane amount of board games, so we play a lot of those. I’m obsessed with coffee, and work part time at a coffee shop, and my favorite thing in the world to do is eat good food.

What has been the most challenging project you’ve worked on? How did you overcome those obstacles and what did you take away from it? I made a kind of cosmic horror short story in mini comic form last year for SPX, I had very little time, and it was my first time actually writing a story/ dialogue to go with my pictures. It was insanely challenging. I ended up with a finished product that I’m really proud of and that I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback on. I think it really drove home the fact that I just need to stick with things and finish them, even if I don’t feel like they’re perfect. I’m never going to have the time that I want, and I’m never going to feel like anything is perfect. I can still make a great thing!

What advice would you give someone who wants to follow in your footsteps and pursue art? Don’t spend 4 years doing nothing, but playing World of Warcraft (Or doooo?). Uhhh, believe in yourself. Be nice to other artists. Draw all the time! Immerse yourself in things that inspire you! Also, like I said before, things don’t need to be perfect. Let go of perfect, because sometimes it’s an unattainable ideal. Just do as good as you can, and don’t beat yourself up so much! I’m horrible at advice!!!

What’s your best Art School tip that you want to share with folks? Haha, I moved to Baltimore to go to MICA like, 14 years ago, and then realized I was poor, and would never be able to go to MICA… sooo… I never went to real art school. I wanted to go so bad, and I still wish I’d had that experience, but I want other people who can’t afford it to know that you don’t NEED it. Things are a bit harder, but you can find so much free info online if you have the drive, you can teach yourself so many things. Don’t get discouraged just because art school isn’t gonna happen for you.

What are your favorite style of VANS? I love my lavender/ sea fog Authentic Vans, because they basically go with anything, but I am always eyeing those Sk8-His.

Anything you can share that is coming up? Ahhhh, I have some realllly cool things that I can’t share yet, but just everyone keep an eye out (It will be very exciting, i swear)!! As for things I can share, I’m working on some new t-shirt designs, and another comic, and also plan on drawing some more cool wizards in my spare time. So if you wanna see some cool wizards, uhhh, come to my Instagram–you guys! Let’s hang out and look at wizards. And talk about wizards. And if you don’t like wizards well, don’t come I guess.

FOLLOW JUSTINE: INSTAGRAM | WEBSITE | TWITTER | STORE

#Art #Vans #Vans Art #Justine Jones #Vans Girls #Comics #illustration #Art School #Interview #Baltimore

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swellwriting · 5 years

Text

What do we do now? - Part Seven

Part 7 - Bertram

A/N: THis chapter introduces a new character! he's only mentioned in the books briefly but it was fun to sort of shape his character into whatever I wanted, and I accidentally made him dumb and lovable so I hope you love him as much as I do!!!

Word Count: 2.9k Series Masterlist / Character concept sketch!

Bertram Aubrey lived in Hastings. Y/n and Remus had begun their journey technically where Remus’ small home was, which was located in Yorkshire. It was roughly a 2 hour and 30-minute direct drive from one place to the other. Y/n and Remus didn’t start their adventure with this place in mind though, they had gone to small towns and countrysides, spent over a week living in the car in the forest, so once they had an actual destination in mind it didn't take long to get there at all.

Hastings runs along England's southeast coast, it’s a rather nice town with a good mix of muggle and magical places alike. Specifically where Bertram lived was a seaside cottage. The cottage was small but it was probably the most ideal little home Y/n had ever seen, Remus thought it was much better in comparison to his cottage.

This cottage was on its own, a lot of grass and wildflowers surrounding it until it reached the tree line which surrounded the sides of the house. It was like a cottage out of a movie, nothing Y/n had ever pictured Bertram living in.

The front porch was nice too, it had one of those seat swings and it was situated so if you sat on it you could look straight down the empty country road that split the forest in two and led to a large field, it’s exactly what Y/n and Remus were looking at right now as Bertram went inside to grab drinks.

“This place is amazing, really.” Y/n commented to Bertram as he came back outside handing them both bottles of soda.

“Thanks, it was my Grandma’s, I'm the only grandchild so she really had no one else to give it to. Glad she didn't sell it, it’s perfect to run my business out of.” Bertram mentioned his business for the second time since they had gotten there which prompted Remus to finally ask about it.

“What is your business, if you don't mind me asking?”

Y/n and Remus were sat side by side on the porch swing and Bertram sat directly in front of them on a chair he had pulled over. He leaned closer to them on his chair like somebody was nearby and could hear them.

“Okay, it’s ingenious really! I buy things and resell them!” He smiled like he had just said the most inventive thing in the world.

“What kind of things?” Y/n asked in a voice full of worry. She was worried that Bertram was doing something inherently stupid, and she was right.

“Simple things, potions, charmed objects, magical creatures, if it’s magic in any way you name it and I buy it and resell it!” He looked so proud as he spoke about himself.

Y/n felt worry creeping up her spine, she had thought of where this was going but she was almost worried to ask her next question. “Bertram, who do you sell these things to? Wouldn't a normal wizard just go to a store?”

“That’s the beauty of it! Wizards can go to a potions store, they can go to Diagon Alley or any other store to get what they need but Muggles? They can't apparate to Diagon Alley! Muggles can’t use the Floo Network! So I go there myself,” he paused and pointed through the open screen door to the fireplace in the living room, “got a fireplace right there, and I buy things and sell them to the Muggles for a much higher price, it’s ingenious as I said before.”

Remus sat there in silence, staring blankly at the stupid man in front of him. Y/n felt like her heart had stopped, her friend who she had known for years, a kind man with good intent was illegally selling magic items to Muggles. “Bertram, that’s illegal, the Ministry will find out it's you sooner or later, they are gonna find out and you can be sent to prison for this!”

Bertram frowned for a moment before shrugging and waving his hand in the air. “Of course I won’t, don't be so worried, you were never a worrier before! Here let me show you my stock, I just did a big haul!”

Bertram stood up walking into his house and Y/n and Remus shared a look of “what did we just walk into,” before following him.

The cottage appeared small, at the entry was a living room containing a fireplace, a couch, large windows and many different plants. Then a small kitchen, a bedroom and many bookshelves lining any wall that didn't have a window.

Bertram walked up to the one in the living room and pulled out a book that had a bit of a shiny glimmer to the spine. When he took it out the bookshelf disappeared into the ground and a secret room was revealed.

Bertram smiled sweetly, like this was completely normal, and guided the two of them into the room. The room was lined with shelves, like a storage room, and each shelf was filled with various potions and bottles and small objects in cases. There was a brewing station in one corner of the room but it looked like it hadn’t been used in a long time and someone had set it on fire based on the burnt cauldron covered in a thick layer of dust.

He spun around waiting for their reaction. “What do you think?”

“This is a lot of stuff Bertram, like a lot of stock to have, are all these even legal for wizards to own?” Y/n asked as she walked up to a shelf and examined a few labelled potions.

“Of course, if I can buy them they must be legal to own? What kind of question is that?”

“Okay, you can buy Dragon eggs but it’s not legal to own them, especially not a Dragon,” Remus commented trying to exaggerate the example to make it make sense to Bertram but he looked dumbly at Remus as if he was speaking Parseltongue.

“Why not?”

“Bertram don't tell me you have Dragon eggs.” Y/n said as she carefully placed a potion bottle down and began to look around the room for any eggs.

“I have more creature and beast related things in the basement!” He said excitedly and rushed out of the room, almost running to the opposite side of the living room. He went to the bookshelf which had two comfy chairs sitting in front of another large window right beside it, this place was actually quite cozy.

Remus followed Y/n out of the room, he took a second to try to close the bookshelf but decided it was best to not touch anything.

Bertram grabbed a similarly shiny book and the shelf disappeared just like the last one, but this time revealed a set of stairs.

“Follow me!” He exclaimed as he yelled, “Lumos!” and continued down the stairs, his loud voice echoing in their ears. Remus and Y/n both silently lit their wands, Remus was unsure why he yelled the spell in the first place.

“You still yell when you cast spells huh?” Y/n commented and Bertram quickly replied with a nod.

“Of course!”

When they got to the end of the stairs they were met with a large room filled with various boxes, and a table with six dragon eggs or eggs of some sort just casually atop it.

“Oh, Bertram.” Y/n said, lost for any other words.

“Isn’t it cool! I inherited this place from my grandma right, as I said before, I was her only grandkid so I got all of her money too! After she died I built the attachments, it was sad at first because I know she would be upset if I made any changes to her house, but it worked out pretty well. If she ever came back as a ghost she wouldn't even be able to tell! Then I spent my inheritance on stock and started selling it!”

“How much do you sell Dragon Eggs for?” Remus inquired as he lightly moved one to examine it.

“Those are gold mines! I spent my savings on them, I bought them all for 3 million Galleons, but I can sell them for a million galleons each which triple’s my money!”

“How many have you sold?” Remus asked again, ignoring Bertram’s incorrect math.

“None yet, but when I do I will be rich!” Bertram said with a proud look on his face and Y/n offered him an endearing smile, having no words.

Nothing could have prepared them for this. It almost would have been better if they had found Bertram just to find out he had become a death eater or had turned to be a hermit in the woods or something. They had no idea how to even process their current situation, nevermind try to explain to Bertram why what he is doing is wrong.

The small cottage, which wasn’t actually so small if you included the secret room and basement, and the back porch that connected to a dock that stretched all the way from where the cottage was on the grass and across the small beach into the water. There was also a garage that was not attached to the house but there was a stairway that led to it from the basement. Remus and Y/n did not inquire as to what he kept in there.

Currently, the two were sat on the back porch, watching as the sun slowly went down, a mirror to yesterday night that made them both act awkwardly once they realized it.

Bertram was in the storage room and had been for over an hour.

“Should we check on him?” Y/n asked as she made no move to get up from the bench they were sat on, her legs lazily hanging over Remus’.

“I think it’s better that we pretend to be blind to the whole thing. I'm sure he’s fine he's a… professional at this.”

“A professional criminal? Bertram is just an idiot.” Y/n talked in a hushed tone, her face right beside Remus’ ear.

“Do you think when Sirius and James hexed him and made his head huge that when they shrunk it back down it caused brain damage?” Remus asked and Y/n choked out a laugh, covering her mouth and trying not to look so delighted by the joke.

“Remus, don't say that.”

“It’s a serious question!”

“No, he has always been that dumb, did you hear him yell that spell earlier, he has always done that, always.”

“Well, at least he’s nice.”

“He is, he has such a kind heart. I'm sure some Muggles he’s selling these things to really need them. The others are probably lying to him to trick him, I feel so bad.”

They sat silently for a minute, thinking separately over the different things Muggles would use magic items for until Remus remembered the dragon eggs. “I like that we are just casually sitting here knowing that there are six dragon eggs downstairs.”

“They are probably just rocks.”

“I hope so, I wonder how long he’s had them.”

Their conversation was interrupted when Bertram came outside, a couple of teacups floated through the air and fell into their hands. “Tea?” He asked as if they would say no to the cups already in their hands.

The two said thank you in unison and casually examined their cups before taking a sip, Bertram didn't notice since he was staring into the forest, which was odd because the sunset, a much more interesting view, was right in front of him.

“I lost a Murtlap in my first year here, it ran into the forest there and never came back! I woke up one morning with a bite but I never saw it, at least I think it was a Murtlap bite.” Bertram spoke whatever came to his mind leaving Remus and Y/n speechless yet again, he had quite a knack for saying or doing such outrageous things that any sane person would only be able to just stand there bewildered.

“So how long are you guys staying? You could stay forever if you wanted! Really it gets lonely out here, that’s why I was hoping the dragons would hatch soon. They are worth even more money once they hatch too.”

“Do you have the equipment or spells to handle them?” Y/n asked hoping he had something to control them but Bertram shook his head.

“Nope, but I had a crup once! Accidentally slammed one of his tails in a door so he ended up looking like a normal dog! I trained him to use a human toilet so I'm sure I could train some dragons to be friendly.”

They both sat there stunned again. Bertram really was harmless, he wasn't doing anything intentionally to put him or anyone in danger. He just didn't think about things and in turn ended up putting himself, and everyone in dragon-flying distance, in danger.

Y/n looked at Remus and smiled before answering for them both.“Sure we might stay a bit! We have nowhere else to be really.”

“Great!” Bertram yelled as he stood up and walked away with no explanation as to where he was going.

Y/n and Remus stayed on the back porch well until the sun had set and only darkness surrounded them aside from a few mismatched lanterns that magically lit themselves when it turned dark.

Y/n had fallen asleep on Remus' shoulder, her legs still laying across his lap and he didn't bother moving, he wasn't entirely sure where they were going to sleep anyways.

When Remus found he could barely keep his eyes open any longer he decided to get up, picking up Y/n as he stood, sliding his arms underneath her knees and arms. He kicked the door open lightly with his foot to find the couch in the living room had been transfigured into a bed, or maybe it was just one of those pull-out couches.

There were a bunch of thick hand-knitted blankets terribly folded at the end of the bed that had probably been made by Bertram's grandma. There was a note and an entire box of cookies on the coffee table that had been pushed to one side of the bed, the fireplace was magically lit providing the room with a glowy warmth. Remus carefully balanced on one foot, using his other to pull a blanket down and place Y/n there. He pulled the blanket up over her and then took an extra one from the end of the bed and layered it on her feet in case she needed it.

He walked over, grabbing a cookie and shoving the entire thing in his mouth before reading the note, which thankfully wasn't a warning not to eat the cookies.

“I set the bed up just like how my grandma used to set it up for me! Don't worry the sheets and blankets are all cleaned. I'll be locked in my room all night and you won't see me until late afternoon, I'm forcing myself to get some work done. I realized I hadn't eaten dinner yet and neither had you two, so I took half of the cookies from the box, you can have the rest and whatever else you need from the kitchen, please don't eat the bananas I'm saving them to make banana bread, have you ever made banana bread?”

Everything about the letter was weird, but Remus gathered that was just because Bertram was weird. He was locked in his own room, which is not normal, he had cookies for dinner, which is also not normal but Mr. “I live on coffee, cigarettes and chocolate” wasn't going to judge him on that part. Also, the way Bertram had asked a question at the end of the letter as if Remus or Y/n would write him back or answer it immediately?

Extra weird.

Remus shoved three more cookies in his mouth as he walked over to the fridge to get a drink, inside the fridge, there were two apples on a shelf instead of inside the fruit drawer. The fruit drawer was instead filled with packages of cheese. The milk was expired and there were a few glass bottles with blue shimmering liquid inside, with no labels. Remus closed the fridge and grabbed a cup, tap water was probably his safest bet even if it had lead or straight up dirt in it.

He got into the bed, pulled Y/n against his chest and kissed her forehead gently as to not wake her. She muttered a fragment of a word in her sleep but was otherwise undisturbed.

The cottage was peaceful, no noise aside from faint animal noises in the woods, no cars or people passing by, just the fear in the back of Remus mind that he was sleeping above six dragon eggs that could hatch at any moment.

Once morning came around, the potential danger of dragons had escaped Remus mind, instead, he was awoken from his dream by someone pounding on the door yelling in panicked anger.

“Bertram! Get your ass out here now! You have to explain yourself! Bertram!”

Part 8

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logophilism · 5 years

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Character Creation Tag

Tagged by @esoteric-eclectic-eccentric. Thanks for tagging me ^-^

I’m doing this for Bree. Not literally for her, but you get what I mean.

1) What was the first element of your OC that you remember considering (name, appearance, backstory, etc.?)

Probably the backstory. I had the world set up and an idea for a plot that might spout from it, but I needed something to move the character to the right place to start.

2) Did you design them with any other characters/OCs from their universe in mind?

Since I had an outline of a plot sketched out, I wanted a character that would fit well with the characters I already planned to include. So I considered her parents and her friends when designing her, I guess.

3) How did you choose their name?

Ok, I’m horrible with names.

My original name for her was Chandra, after a name plucked from a random name generator a few years back for a base character. After writing the first chapter and procrastinating for a while, however, I realized that the name Chandra was far too different from the other names in her community, so I had to rename her.

Bree became the choice that I went with mostly because it was a nickname that would fit many longer names. Brianna. Gabrielle. Aubrey. I wanted to be able to write and get used to a name while keeping my options open. At the end I chose Gabrielle because the name Bree sounded harsh for her character, and I wanted a softer-feeling (at least to me) longname to balance it out.

As a footnote, the last name Raven was chosen entirely because it was the first suitable-ish last name that I thought of that fitted.

4) In developing their backstory, what elements of the world they live in played the most influential parts?

Definitely the sickness. Her mother was killed by the Withering when she was a child, but her father drastically changed after her mother was gone, becoming irresponsible and untrustworthy drunkard that still cared about his daughter but couldn’t bring himself to be what he wanted to be for her. Then he died. Then the plot actually happens.

5) Is there any significance behind their hair colour?

Nope. (brown)

6) Is there any significance behind their eye colour?

Nope. (brown)

7) Is there any significance behind their height?

I wanted to give her at least some special physical feature that wasn’t being completely average, so I made her shorter than average. As someone who is taller than average, that was not good planning on my part.

8) What (if anything) do you relate to within their character/story?

9) will be very informative about how I relate to the character. As for the story, I still relate strongly enough to it to write it. It’s hard to write something I can’t imagine, and it’s hard to imagine something when I (or some of my favourite book characters) don’t have the experiences to draw from, soo.. Yeah.

9) Are they based off of you, in some way?

Ok, confession. I’m really, really, really lazy. I had parts of their personality planned out and stuff, but when it came to the long stretches of hardcore writing required for NaNoWriMo, I threw my plans out of the window (not literally, since that might have killed someone), and just wrote whatever I’d do in their situation. Saves time and effort and you get something relatively consistent, but can’t be overused :/

10) Did you know what the OC’s sexuality would be at the time of their creation?

Nope. And I still don’t. Why I’m planning a romance story after this is beyond me.

11) What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: Writing, drawing, edits, etc.)?

Drawing her. I’m horrible at drawing people, and much more suited to drawing stuff like smooth stone pillars. Luckily, @inkpot-dreamer has awesomely awesome drawing skills I’d never be able to duplicate, and I sent her my WIP story in hope that after she gave up trying to persuade me to draw my OC, she’d draw Bree herself. *hint hint*

12) How far past the canon events that take place in their world have you extended their story, if at all?

Considering that I’m considering making the ending tragic, not at all.

13) If you had to narrow it down to 2 things that you MUST keep in mind while working with your OC, what would those things be?

I need to consider her interests and hobbies and habits and stuff, which are horribly underrepresented, and I need to consider her backstory and/or what’s happened in the story so far. That’s about it.

14) What is something about your OC that can make you laugh?

Her wit. It’s almost ironic how witty she is, considering I’m her writer.

15) What is something about your OC can make you cry?

What happens to her. I wrote some moments with myself as the target audience so I could at least pretend the emotional parts have actual emotional value. If I was in the right mood and I prodded myself really hard, I’d be able to make myself cry reading those parts. I think.

16) Is there some element you regret adding to your OC or their story?

Nightmares. I gave her nightmares because she wasn’t having the reaction I expected to her father’s death and I needed something more solid in her than a constant moping behaviour, so I gave her nightmares. Now I have to undo the damage from the nightmares, sigh. Really wish I had better foresight.

17) What is the most recent thing you’ve discovered about your OC?

She seems to have developed a habit of curling her toes when she gets angry or upset or afraid or something along the lines of that. I never wrote any of that in on purpose, but it’s definitely a thing. Welp.

18) What is your favourite fact about your OC?

She’s a mechanic from a small, backwards town and is utterly out of her depth when she reaches the futuristic flying island. Ha. Serves her right for being arrogant.

Tagging: @adventuresdooccur @wchwriter @pens-swords-stuff @starlitesymphony @crowswritetoo @meteorwrites @inkpot-dreamer @starryinscriptions and anyone who wants to do it :)

#tag game #ocs #my ocs #writing #writeblr

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papermoonloveslucy · 6 years

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VAN DYKE & COMPANY

December 9, 1976 (S1;E9)

Directed by John Moffitt

Written by George Burditt, Garry Ferrier, Ken Finkelman, Mitch Markovitz, Don Novello, Pat Proft, Leonard Ripps, Mickey Rose, Aubrey Tadman, Paul Wayne, Dick Van Dyke

Dick Van Dyke (Himself, Host / Various Characters) was born Richard Wayne Van Dyke in West Plains, Missouri, in 1925. Although he'd had small roles beforehand, Van Dyke was launched to stardom in the 1960 Broadway musical Bye Bye Birdie, for which he won a Tony Award. He reprised his role in the 1963 film. He has starred in a number of other films throughout the years including Mary Poppins (1964) and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968). From 1961 to 1966 he played TV writer Rob Petrie in “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” He also starred in “The New Dick Van Dyke Show” (1971-74), “Van Dyke & Company” (1976), and “Diagnosis Murder” (1993-2001).

Lucille Ball (Herself, Various Characters) was born on August 6, 1911 in Jamestown, New York. She began her screen career in 1933 and was known in Hollywood as ‘Queen of the B’s’ due to her many appearances in ‘B’ movies. With Richard Denning, she starred in a radio program titled “My Favorite Husband” which eventually led to the creation of “I Love Lucy,” a television situation comedy in which she co-starred with her real-life husband, Latin bandleader Desi Arnaz. The program was phenomenally successful, allowing the couple to purchase what was once RKO Studios, re-naming it Desilu. When the show ended in 1960 (in an hour-long format known as “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour”) so did Lucy and Desi’s marriage. In 1962, hoping to keep Desilu financially solvent, Lucy returned to the sitcom format with “The Lucy Show,” which lasted six seasons. She followed that with a similar sitcom “Here’s Lucy” co-starring with her real-life children, Lucie and Desi Jr., as well as Gale Gordon, who had joined the cast of “The Lucy Show” during season two. Before her death in 1989, Lucy made one more attempt at a sitcom with “Life With Lucy,” also with Gordon, which was not a success and was canceled after just 13 episodes.

The Lockers was a male lock dance troupe first known as the Campbell Lockers formed by Toni Basil and Don Campbell in 1971. They were pioneers of street dance. They appeared on “The Tonight Show,” “Saturday Night Live,” and “What's Happening!!” This is their final TV appearance.

Andy Kaufman (Andy) was a performance artist and comedian. He is best known for playing Latka Gravas on the TV sitcom “Taxi.” Andy appeared in movies, on Broadway, did a one man show at Carnegie Hall, enjoyed a brief professional wrestling career, and performed in concerts nationwide. He died in 1984 of lung cancer.

Kaufman is not credited in the opening title sequence nor in the closing voice over credits. This was likely to lend veracity to his continual habit of ‘crashing’ the show and interrupting Van Dyke's guests.

L.A. Mime Company

John Wheeler (Mr. Haley, Network Executive) was in the New York stage productions of Wonderful Town (also on TV in 1958) and Sweet Charity (also the film 1969). He was seen opposite Lucille Ball as Judge Breghoff in the movie Mame. He appeared on one episode of “Here's Lucy” (S6;E16) in 1974. Coincidentally, he played Fred Mertz in the TV film “Lucy and Desi: Before the Laughter” in 1991.

Barry Van Dyke (Honey #2 / Helen's Paramour) was Dick Van Dyke's son born in July 1951, just two weeks after Lucie Arnaz. Like Lucie, he made his screen debut on his parent's TV show in 1962 and went on to larger roles in subsequent series'. Probably his most famous of those roles was as Steve Sloan in “Diagnosis Murder” (1993-2001).

It is a bit odd that Van Dyke's real son is playing (who is inferred to be) his male lover in the “Honey, I'm Home” sketch.

Judy Von Wormer had played one of the singers in “Lucy, The Co-Ed” (HL S3;E6) in 1970.

Brian Bruno and Barney, The Paul Family

Stu Nahan (Announcer)

“Van Dyke & Company” was a short-lived variety show that aired on NBC from September 20, 1976 to December 30, 1976. A pilot episode was shot in October 1975, but the series did not debut for another 11 months.

In a 1965 appearance on “Art Linkletter's House Party” Lucille Ball said that “The Dick Van Dyke Show” was her favorite television program. The series was shot at Desilu Studios. It took 11 years for Van Dyke and Ball to collaborate. This is the first time Ball and Van Dyke have acted opposite each other, although the two had appeared as guests on “Salute to Stan Laurel” in 1965.

A week before her appearance on “Van Dyke & Company,” Dick Van Dyke appeared on “CBS Salutes Lucy: The First 25 Years” paying tribute to Lucy's skill at pantomime (something both were adept at and demonstrate here) from the set of his show. In 2001, Van Dyke co-hosted “I Love Lucy's 50th Anniversary Special.”

Genealogists claim that Lucy and Van Dyke are distant relatives. They are 10th cousins, once removed.

This episode of “Van Dyke & Company” was aired by MeTV on August 6, 2017 (Lucy's birthday). The entire series is available on DVD from MPI Video. Bonus features include audio from Van Dyke as a guest on “Let's Talk to Lucy,” Ball's 1964-65 radio show. For this episode, only Andy Kaufman's Elvis impersonation has been omitted, likely due to royalty restrictions.

On December 15, 1976, less than a week after this episode of “Van Dyke & Company” aired, Lucille Ball was on the dais for “The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast” of Danny Thomas.

A cold open (pre-credits) has Dick paying a visit to the grand opening of “The New You Shop” staffed by Lucy, in a wordless physical comedy sketch. The premise has Lucy selling new 'body parts' (invisible and pantomimed with the help of sound effects) such as legs, chests, hands, faces, and feet.

Trying on the parts inside 'The New You Machine', something goes horribly wrong. Dick emerges with arms that scrape the ground and a hand on the end of his foot!

In Dick's monologue he demonstrates the differences in the family hour format as opposed to later time slots using a fictional show called “Honey, I'm Home.” The Family Viewing Hour was a policy established by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) in 1975. Under the policy, each television network had the responsibility to air "family-friendly" programming during the first hour of the prime time lineup (8 to 9 pm Eastern Time). “Van Dyke & Company” occupied the ‘Family Hour’ time slot.

“Honey, I'm Home” 8pm to 9pm ('Family Hour') – Dick comes home to find his wife waiting patiently on the sofa.

“Honey, I'm Home” 9pm to 10pm – Dick comes home to find his wife kissing another man.

“Honey, I'm Home” 10pm to 11pm – Dick comes home to find the same couple looking at a road map, but the 'honey' he's come home to is the man, not the woman!

He attempts to show the audience “Honey, I'm Home” after midnight, but quickly opens and shuts the door, horrified at what he's seen (and we don't).

A network executive (John Wheeler) appoints Richard (Dick) to Vice President of Programming in order to get him to tell fading star Marion Lane (Lucy) that her show has been canceled. Lucy receives a big ovation from the studio audience, which indicates this may be the first segment shot, with the cold open pre-taped without a studio audience.

Marion seems to know what he's come for and quickly takes a liberal amount of tablets.

Richard: “Marion, what's that you're taking?” Marion: “Sleeping pills.” Richard: “Wouldn't you call that a kind of a heavy dose?” Marion: “I'd call it an overdose.”

Turns out they were just breath mints. Still fearing the worst, Marion momentarily straddles an open window. When he finally delivers the bad news, she slaps him hard across the face, sending him careening over the divan. The sketch has a surprise twist ending with Richard being Marion's husband!

Dick is discovered chiseling a sculpture and telling the audience that he's always wanted Rudolf Nureyev as a guest. He finally got a call from the dancer to tell him that he will be appearing – on “The Gong Show.” “The Gong Show” was a low-budget amateur talent show that had only premiered on TV a few months earlier. This set-up is by way of introducing what Dick calls “the most fabulous dancers around” - The Lockers. After they perform their main act, Dick joins in, even wearing one of their costumes.

Dick and Lucy play Helen and Edgar, a couple celebrating their 40th anniversary. Edgar is 115 years old, and Helen is 75. She only married him thinking she would soon be a rich widow. Van Dyke's characterization of Edgar is reminiscent of when he played the elderly banker Mr. Dawes Sr. in Mary Poppins (1964). Helen tries everything she can think of to hasten her inheritance.

She cracks a champagne bottle on his head. Nothing.

She tries to guillotine him while blowing out the candles on their anniversary cake. It misses.

She gives him a big anniversary kiss with an electrified wire. He is energized by it.

She offers him some fresh air out on the balcony (which they don't have) and pushes his wheelchair headlong out the terrace doors. Helen thinks she's finally succeeded in offing him, but he comes rolling through the opposite door a few moments later, his wheelchair now a mash-up of a trash can and mobility device.

Helen finally slips Edgar a mickey that does the trick – but first he calls up the newspaper to place his own obituary. The sketch has a twist ending with the entrance of Helen's paramour (Barry Van Dyke), who may be trying to do the same thing to her!

Dick and Lucy are having some banter as themselves when Andy Kaufman arrives with his tape player wanting to be on the show. Although Dick says that Andy should just go away, Lucy says that she's seen Andy on the show before, and that he always interrupts guests, and they've all been very good sports about it. Lucy says that she just doesn't happen to be one and swiftly exits. Dick says Andy has previously insulted Carl Reiner (S1;E4), Hal Linden (S1;E5), John Denver (S1;E3), and now Lucy. Dick exits to find a security guard.

Alone with the audience, Kaufman starts with an imitation of “Sanford and Son” saying (in his inimitable way, with clipped diction and seemingly incapable of imitating Redd Fox)

“Elizabeth. I am coming to join you.”

He then tackles 'the Fonzie' from “Happy Days”:

“Eh. Eh. Sit on it you stupid nerd.”

Again without a trace of intonation or nuance. Finally he does a sped up Elvis Presley imitation. [This song has been omitted from the DVD release, probably due to song royalty fees. It is apparent that it has been edited out because the sketch on video quickly fades out and Kaufman had not yet used the tape recorder he brought onstage at the start.]

In another silent pantomimed sketch (the second of the show), Lucy and Dick play tourists taking photographs in a Tropical Forest.

To get the perfect photo, Lucy and Dick virtually destroy the forest, breaking off twigs, pulling up flowers, and cutting down trees. Luckily, their picnic hamper comes equipped with a hacksaw and dynamite!

In a final act of desecration, Lucy bulldozes the entire area clear, turning the lush setting...

...into a parking lot!

Dick plays a long-haired Maestro (in sneakers) but instead of an orchestra, he conducts dancers. When the dancers go from classical to modern, the Maestro nearly gives up trying to control them, but when the music turns to a Broadway sound, even he joins in.

In the closing, Dick sings “You Make It So Easy” to Lucy. The two do some simple, yet funny, dance steps as well.

This Date in Lucy History – December 9

"Lucy and the Military Academy" (TLS S2;E10) – December 9, 1963

"Guess Who Owes Lucy $23.50" (HL S1;E11) – December 9, 1968

“An All-Star Party for Lucille Ball” - December 9, 1984

#Van Dyke & Company #Dick Van Dyke #Lucille Ball #Variety Show #NBC #1976 #The Lockers #John Moffitt #Andy Kaufman #Barry Van Dyke #John Wheeler #L.A. Mime Company #Judy Von Wormer #Stu Nahan #TV

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lokirupaul · 3 years

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Lokiru Paul : Jason Sudeikis Is Having One Hell of a Year

Jason Sudeikis Is Having One Hell of a Year

He got famous playing a certain kind of funny guy on SNL, but when Jason Sudeikis invented Ted Lasso, the sensitive soccer coach with the earnest mustache, the actor found a different gear—and a surprise hit. Now, ahead of the show’s second season, Sudeikis discusses his wild ride of a year and how he’s learning to pay closer attention to what the universe is telling him.

BY ZACH BARON, GQ

PHOTOGRAPHY BY HILL & AUBREY

July 13, 2021

Shirt, $188, and tie (worn at waist), $125, by Polo Ralph Lauren. Pants, $255, by Aimé Leon Dore. Watch, $10,200, by Cartier.

On the day that he wrapped shooting on the second season of Ted Lasso, Jason Sudeikis sat in his trailer in West London and drank a beer and exhaled a little, and then he went to the pitch they film on for the show—Nelson Road Stadium, the characters call it—for one last game of football with his cast and crew. There's this thing called the crossbar challenge, which figures briefly in a midseason Ted Lasso episode: You kick a ball and try to hit not the goal but the crossbar above the goal, which is only four or five inches from top to bottom. And so Sudeikis arrived and, because he can't help himself, started trying to hit the crossbar.

Jason Sudeikis covers the August 2021 issue of GQ. To get a copy, subscribe to GQ.

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Confidence is a funny thing. Sudeikis has been riffing on it, in one way or another, for his whole professional life—particularly the comedy of unearned confidence, which he is well suited, physically, to convey. Sudeikis is acutely aware of “the vessel that my soul is currently, you know, occupying”—six feet one, good hair, strong jaw. He's a former college point guard. On Saturday Night Live, where most of us saw him for the first time, he had a specialty in playing jocular blowhards and loud, self-impressed white men, a specialty he took to Hollywood, in films like Horrible Bosses and Sleeping With Other People. He became so adept at playing those types of characters, Sudeikis said, that at some point he realized he'd have to make an effort to do something different. “It's up to me to not just play an a-hole in every movie,” he said. In conversation he is digressive, occasionally melancholy, prone to long anecdotes and sometimes even actual parables—closer, in other words, to Ted Lasso, the gentle, philosophical football coach he co-created, than any of the preening jerks he used to be known for. But he can definitely kick a soccer ball pretty good.

So he's up there trying to hit the crossbar, and he's got a crowd of actors and crew members gathering around him now, betting on whether he can hit it. And he's getting the ball in the air, mostly, but not quite on the four-to-five-inch strip of metal he needs to hit, and the stakes are escalating (“I bet he can get it in three.” “I bet he can get it in five”), and after he misses the first five tries, Toheeb Jimoh, the actor who plays Sam Obisanya on the show, says, “I think he can get it in 10.” Then Sudeikis proceeds to miss the next four attempts. But, he told me later, “there was no part of me that was like, ‘I'm not gonna hit one of these. I'm not not gonna hit one of these.’ ”

Like I said, confidence is a funny thing. You have to somehow believe that the worst outcome simply won't happen. Sometimes you have to do that while knowing for a fact that the worst outcome is happening, all the time. “It's a very interesting space to live in, where you're living in the questions and the universe is slipping you answers,” Sudeikis said. “And are you—are any of us—open enough, able enough, curious enough to hear them when they arrive?” This sounds oblique, I guess, but I can attest, after spending some time talking to Sudeikis, that everything is a little oblique for him right now. He had the same pandemic year we all had, and in the middle of that, he had Ted Lasso turn into a massive, unexpected hit, and in the middle of that, his split from his partner and the mother of his two children, Olivia Wilde, became public in a way that from a great distance seemed not entirely dissimilar to something that happens to the character he plays on the show that everyone was suddenly watching. “Personal stuff, professional stuff, I mean, it's all…that Venn diagram for me is very”—here he held up two hands to form one circle—“you know?”

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Anyway, Sudeikis hit the crossbar on the 10th try. “It's a tremendous sound,” he said of that moment when the ball connects with the frame of the goal. He'd done what he knew he would do. Everyone on the pitch was cheering like they'd won something. It was, for lack of a better way of describing it, a very Ted Lasso moment—a small victory, a crooked poster in a locker room that says Believe. “There's a great Michael J. Fox quote,” Sudeikis told me later, trying to explain the particular brand of wary optimism that he carries around with him, and that he ended up making a show about: “ ‘Don't assume the worst thing's going to happen, because on the off chance it does, you'll have lived through it twice.’ So…why not do the inverse?”

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Ted Lasso. Man—what an unlikely story. The character was initially dreamed up to serve a very different purpose. Sudeikis first played him in 2013, in a promo for NBC, which had recently acquired the television rights to the Premier League and was trying to inspire American interest in English football. The promo was the length and shape of an SNL sketch and featured a straightforward conceit: A hayseed football (our football) coach is hired as the football (their football) coach of a beloved English club, to teach a game he neither knows nor understands in a place he neither knows nor understands. The joke was simple and boiled down to the central fact that Ted Lasso was an amiable buffoon in short shorts.

But Sudeikis tries to listen to the universe, even in unlikely circumstances, and for whatever reason the character stuck around in his head. So, in time, Sudeikis developed and pitched a series with the same setup—Ted, in England, far from his family, a stranger in a strange land learning a strange game—that Apple eventually bought. But when we next saw Ted Lasso, he had changed. He wasn't loud or obnoxious anymore; he was simply…human. He was a man in the midst of a divorce who missed his son in America. The new version of Ted Lasso was still funny, but now in an earned kind of way, where the jokes he told and the jokes made at his expense spoke to the quality of the man. He had become an encourager, someone who thrills to the talents and dreams of others. He was still ignorant at times, but now he was curious too.

In fact, this is close to something Ted says, by way of Walt Whitman, in one of the first season's most memorable episodes: Be curious, not judgmental. I will confess I get a little emotional every time I watch the scene in which he says this, which uses a game of darts in a pub as an excuse to both stage a philosophical discussion about how to treat other people and to re-create the climactic moment of every sports movie you've ever seen. It's a somewhat strange experience, being moved to tears by a guy with a bushy cartoon mustache and an arsenal of capital-J jokes (“You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet: I don't want to hear it”), talking about humanity and how we all might get better at it. But that's kind of what the experience of watching the show is. It's about something that almost nothing is about, which is: decency.

In the pilot episode, someone asks Ted if he believes in ghosts, and he says he does, “But more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves.” That folksy, relentless positivity defines the character and is perhaps one of the reasons Ted Lasso resonated with so many people over the past year. It was late summer, it was fall, it was in the teeth of widespread quarantine and stay-at-home orders. People were inside watching stuff. Here was a guy who confronted hardship, who suffered heartbreak, who couldn't go home. And who, somehow, found his way through all that. Someone not unlike Sudeikis himself.

“If you have the opportunity to hit a rock bottom, however you define that, you can become 412 bones or you can land like an Avenger. I personally have chosen to land like an Avenger.”

Sudeikis likes to say, in homage to his background in competitive sports, that there's no defense in the arts. “The only things you're competing against, I believe, are apathy, cynicism, and ego,” he said. This is a philosophy of Sudeikis's that predates Ted Lasso by many years, though you wouldn't necessarily have known it until recently. He grew up outside Kansas City, in Overland Park, Kansas, a “full jock with thespian tendencies,” as he once described himself. His uncle is George Wendt, who played Norm on Cheers. “He made finding a career in the arts, in acting or whatever, seem plausible,” Sudeikis said. But mostly he was drawn to the camaraderie of athletics. When Sudeikis first tried his hand at professional improv, in the mid-'90s, it was through something called ComedySportz, a national chain with a fake competition angle, teams in sports uniforms, and a referee. Brendan Hunt, who co-created and costars on Ted Lasso, initially met Sudeikis in Chicago, he told me. Sudeikis had traveled the eight hours up from Kansas City to do a show: “Suddenly there's a beat-up Volvo station wagon, like an '83, and this is '97, I think, and these two guys get out, all bleary-eyed, and wearily change into their baseball pants. And one of them was Jason.”

Sudeikis had gone to community college on a basketball scholarship but failed to keep up his grades, and he eventually left school to pursue comedy. For a while, he said, his sincere aspiration was to become a member of the Blue Man Group. He got close. “They flew me out to New York,” he said. “That was August of 2001, right before 9/11. And I got to see myself bald and blue.” (In the end, he wasn't a good enough drummer.) By that time, he was living in Las Vegas with his then partner, Kay Cannon, doing sketch comedy at the newly formed Second City chapter there. “Ego,” Sudeikis told me about this time, “that gets beaten out of you, doing eight shows a week.”

Eventually he was invited to audition for Saturday Night Live. “I didn't want to work on SNL,” Sudeikis said—he'd convinced himself that there were purer and less corporate paths to take. “At a certain point in your comedy journey, you have to look at it as like McDonald's,” he said. “You have to be like: ‘No. Never.’ ” Then he got the call. “It was like having a crush on the prettiest girl at school and being like, ‘She seems like a jerk.’ And it's like, ‘Oh, really? 'Cause she said she liked you.’ ‘She what?!’ ”

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Sudeikis auditioned, of course, and was hired, in 2003—but as a writer: “It was like winning a gold medal in the thing you've never even trained for. You just happen to be good at the triple jump, and you really love the long jump.” He wrote for a couple of seasons, but he was unhappy—Cannon was still in Las Vegas, and Sudeikis missed performing. Finally he went to Lorne Michaels, to ask for a job as a member of the cast. “He had the best line. I go, ‘I had to give up two things I love the most to take this writing job: performing and living with my wife.’ And on a dime, he just goes, ‘Well, if you had to choose one…’ ”

At Saturday Night Live, Sudeikis often channeled the same level of cheerful optimism and forthright morality that he'd later bring to Ted Lasso, but audiences didn't necessarily notice it at the time. One of Sudeikis's most famous and beloved early sketches on SNL as a performer is 2005's “Two A-holes Buying a Christmas Tree”—Kristen Wiig and Sudeikis, chewing gum, oblivious to their surroundings, terrorizing Jack Black at a Christmas tree stand. It's a joke about a very familiar form of contemporary rudeness; it's also a riff on a certain kind of man who speaks for the woman next to him, whether she wants him to or not. And people laughed and moved on to the next bit, but to this day Sudeikis can tell you about all the ideas that were running through his head when he created the sketch with Wiig. “That scene was all about my belief that we were losing touch with manners,” he told me. “And yet it's also about love, because he loves her, and that's why he interprets everything for her—she never talks directly to the person.” But, he said, sighing, “once you start explaining a joke or something like that, it ceases to be funny.”

Sudeikis brought this type of attention and care to the movies he began acting in too, like the workplace comedy Horrible Bosses, even if it was lost on most of those who watched them. “That movie, Horrible Bosses, is riddled with optimism,” he said. “The rhythms of that movie, of what Jason Bateman and Charlie Day and I are doing, are deeply rooted in Ted Lasso too. But people don't want those answers. They want to hear the three of us cut up and joke around.”

So that's what Sudeikis did. He got used to a certain gap between his intention and how it was understood. During his time at SNL, his marriage fell apart. “You're going through something emotionally and personally, or even professionally if that's affecting you personally, and then you're dressed up like George Bush and you're live on television for eight minutes. You feel like a crazy person. You feel absolutely crazy. You're looking at yourself in the mirror and you're just like, ‘Who am I? What is this? Holy hell.’ ”

For a time he became a tabloid fixture. He remembers “navigating my first sort of public relationship, with January Jones, which was like learning by fire. What is the term? Trial by fire.” In a 2010 GQ article, when confronted with a question about rumors that he was dating Jennifer Aniston, he sarcastically responded that she should be so lucky. “And obviously I'm fucking joking, you know?” Sudeikis said. But back then, he treated interviews like improv—Yes, and—and that could create misunderstandings. Asked once on a podcast about what people tended to get wrong about him, Sudeikis responded, “That I was in a fraternity—or maybe that I would be.”

To that point, Hunt told me, “He's much less the assumed fraternity guy than you'd think.” But Hunt said he also understood where the impression came from: “I don't know where he learned it necessarily, whether it was from his parents, or his basketball coaches, but he exudes an easygoing confidence. And it's easy to hang with a guy like that. But some people are also like, ‘Fuck that guy,’ intrinsically.”

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When he won the Golden Globe, Sudeikis gave a dazed speech while wearing a hoodie, sparking glee and speculation about his mental and physical states. “I was neither high nor heartbroken,” he said.

Shortly after Sudeikis and Wilde got together, near the end of his SNL run (he left the show in 2013), Wilde made a joke during a monologue that she read at a cabaret club about the two of them having sex “like Kenyan marathon runners,” and Sudeikis spent years answering questions about the joke. “The frustrating thing about that is that Olivia said that in a performance setting,” Sudeikis said. “It wasn't like she just was saying it glibly in an interview.” He described the experience of growing into celebrity, and confronting other people's misperceptions of him, as a disorienting one. “You're just being tossed into the situation and then trying to figure it out,” he said. The picture of him that was circulating wasn't exactly the one that he had of himself. But he didn't fight it, either. “You come to be thoughtful about it,” he said. “But also try to stay open to it. I don't ever want to be cynical.”

So he tried to stay open. But it wasn't until Ted Lasso that people really saw the side of him that comported with the way he saw himself. Last year, as it became clear that the show was a hit, he found himself answering, over and over, some version of the same question. The question would vary in its specifics, but the gist of it was always: How much do you and this character actually have in common? Sudeikis told me that over time, in response to people wondering about his exact relationship to Ted, he developed a few different evasive explanations. Ted, Sudeikis would say, was a little like Jason Sudeikis, but after two pints on an empty stomach. He was Sudeikis hanging on the side of a buddy's boat. He was Sudeikis, but on mushrooms. Sometimes, in more honest moments, he would say that Ted is the best version of himself. This, after all, is how art works: If it was just you, then it wouldn't really need to be art in the first place. And so Sudeikis learned to separate himself from Ted, to fudge the distance between art and artist.

Except, he said, after a while, every time he tried to wave off Ted, fellow castmates or old friends of his would correct him to say: “No.” They'd say: “No, that is you. That is you. That's not the best version of you.” It's not you on mushrooms, it's not you hanging off a boat, it's just…you. One of Sudeikis's friends, Marcus Mumford, who composed the music for the show, told me, “He is quite like Ted in lots of ways. He has a sort of burning optimism, but also a vulnerability, about him that I really admire.”

Hearing people say this, over and over again, Sudeikis said, “brought me to a very emotional space where, you know, a healthy dose of self-love was allowed to expand through my being and made me…” He trailed off for a moment. “When they're like, ‘No, that is you. That is you. That's not the best version of you.’ That's a very lovely thing to hear. I wish it on everybody who gets the opportunity to be or do anything in life and have someone have the chance to say, ‘Hey, that's you. That's you.’ ”

And if he's being honest, that's the way he feels about it too. “It's the closest thing I have to a tattoo,” Sudeikis said about Ted Lasso. “It's the most personal thing I've ever made.”

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On the first Saturday in June, Sudeikis flew with his children, Otis and Daisy, from London to New York, where he owns a house in Brooklyn. “Brooklyn is home,” he told me simply. While filming the first season of Ted Lasso, he'd had the house renovated—there was black mold to get rid of and other changes to make. “So Olivia and the kids had to rent a lovely apartment in Brooklyn Heights. But it's not home. It's someone else's home.” Saturday was the first time Sudeikis and his children had set foot in their own place in two years. “The kids darted in,” he said. “Last time Daisy was in that house, she slept in a crib. So now she has a new big bed. It was hilarious. I walked up there after like 15 minutes and both rooms were a mess.”

He and Wilde, he said, no longer share the house. They split up, according to Sudeikis, “in November 2020.” The end of their relationship was chronicled in a painful, public way in the tabloids after photos of Wilde holding hands with Harry Styles surfaced in January, setting off a flurry of conflicting timelines and explanations. Sudeikis said that even he didn't have total clarity about the end of the relationship just yet. “I'll have a better understanding of why in a year,” he said, “and an even better one in two, and an even greater one in five, and it'll go from being, you know, a book of my life to becoming a chapter to a paragraph to a line to a word to a doodle.” Right now he was just trying to figure out what he was supposed to take away, about himself, from what had happened. “That's an experience that you either learn from or make excuses about,” he said. “You take some responsibility for it, hold yourself accountable for what you do, but then also endeavor to learn something beyond the obvious from it.”

In the first season of Ted Lasso, the comic premise of the show is revealed to be a tragic one: Ted is in England, far from home, doing something he doesn't know how to do and probably shouldn't be doing at all, in order to give his failing marriage space to survive. When the character's wife and son visit, in the show's fifth episode, his wife tells him, “Every day I wake up hoping that I'll feel the way I felt in the beginning. But maybe that's just what marriage is, right?” It's a wrenching moment that also gives new meaning to the show: Ted Lasso's heart is big, but it can also be broken as violently and as easily as anyone else's. By the end of the season, Lasso is divorced and renegotiating his relationships with his now ex-wife and son.

The first season of Ted Lasso had already been written—had already aired—by the time Sudeikis found himself living some aspects of it in real life. “And yet one has nothing to do with the other,” Sudeikis told me. “That's the crazy thing. Everything that happened in season one was based on everything that happened prior to season one. Like, a lot of it three years prior. You know what I mean? The story's bigger than that, I hope. And anything I've gone through, other people have gone through. That's one of the nice things, right? So it's humbling in that way.”

And in fact, the seeds of Ted's heartbreak, Sudeikis said, went all the way back to a dinner he had with Wilde around 2015, during which she first encouraged him to explore whether Ted Lasso could be more than just a bit on NBC. “It was there, the night at dinner, when Olivia was like, ‘You should do it as a show,’ ” he said. They got to talking about it. Sudeikis asked why Ted Lasso would move in the first place, to coach a team he had no real reason to coach: “ ‘Okay, but why would he take this job? Why would a guy at this age take this job to leave? Maybe he's having marital strife. Maybe things aren't good back home, so he needs space.’ And I just riffed it at dinner in 2015 or whenever, late 2014. But it had to be that way. That's what the show is about.”

I said to Sudeikis that I thought that while it was common for artists to put a lot of their lives into their art, it was less common that they end up living aspects of the art in their lives, after the fact.

“I wonder if that's true,” he replied. “I mean, isn't that just a little bit of what Oprah was telling us for years and years? You know, manifestation? Power of thought? That's The Secret in reverse, you know?”

But…if we're being honest, is that a thing you wanted to manifest?

“No. No. But, again, it isn't that. It wasn't that. And again, that's just me knowing the details of it. Like, that's just me knowing where it comes from, where any of it comes from.”

But he acknowledged it had been a hard year. Not necessarily a bad one, but a hard one. “I think it was really neat,” he said. “I think if you have the opportunity to hit a rock bottom, however you define that, you can become 412 bones or you can land like an Avenger. I personally have chosen to land like an Avenger.”

Is that easier said than done? To land like an Avenger?

“I don't know. It's just how I landed. It doesn't mean when you blast back up you're not going to run into a bunch of shit and have to, you know, fight things to get back to the heights that you were at, but I'd take that over 412 bones anytime.”

He paused, then continued: “But there is power in creating 412 bones! Because we all know that a bone, up to a certain age, when it heals, it heals stronger. So, I mean, it's not to knock anybody that doesn't land like an Avenger. Because there's strength in that too.”

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In February, Sudeikis attended the Golden Globes, which were being held remotely on Zoom. He had his misgivings about the event—the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, which votes on the awards, had been in the news for a series of unflattering revelations about its organization, and also the show was taking place in the middle of the night in London. Tom Ford had sent over a suit for Sudeikis to wear, and he tried it on, in his flat in Notting Hill, but he felt ridiculous, there in the middle of the night, and so changed out of it and into a tie-dyed hoodie made by his sister's clothing company. “I wore that hoodie because I didn't wanna fucking wear the fucking top half of a Tom Ford suit,” he said. “I love Tom Ford suits. But it felt weird as shit.”

“With kids, knowing is half the battle. But adulthood is doing something about it. ‘I'm bad with names.’ ‘I'm always late.’… All right, so win the fucking battle by doing something about it!”

The rest of this story you know: Sudeikis ended up winning best actor for Ted Lasso and gave a dazed acceptance speech while wearing the hoodie, and this in turn sparked glee and speculation about his mental and physical states. For the record, “I was neither high nor heartbroken,” Sudeikis said. It was just late at night and he didn't want to wear a suit. “So yeah, off it came and it was like, ‘This is how I feel. I believe in moving forward.’ ”

Lately, Sudeikis told me, he had been trying to pay more attention to how he actually felt about any given thing, to all the various signs and omens that present themselves to a person during the course of living their life. Even in his past, he said, there were moments that were obvious in retrospect, in terms of what the universe was trying to tell him, messages he missed entirely at the time. In Vegas, where he was living with Cannon before Saturday Night Live, he developed alopecia and his hair stopped growing, and he didn't know why. And then, at the end of his 30s, “during the nine months before Otis was born and the nine months after he was born,” Sudeikis developed extremely painful sciatica. “I went and got an MRI and was like, ‘Oh, yeah, the jelly doughnut in my L4, L5, is squirting out and touching a nerve.’ ” But why? When he had his second child, this didn't happen at all. So: why?

“I mean, since last November,” Sudeikis said, “the joke that feels more like a parable to me is a guy is sitting at home watching TV and the news breaks in to say flash flood warning. About an hour later he goes outside on his porch and he sees that the whole street is flooded.” You've probably heard the rest of this joke before: While the guy is praying to God for some kind of help, a truck, a boat, and a chopper come by, offering aid, which the guy turns down. God'll provide, he says. Sudeikis finished the joke: “Two hours after that, he's in heaven. He's dead. He says, ‘God, what's up, man? You didn't help me.’ God goes, ‘What do you mean, man? I sent you a pickup truck, I sent you a speedboat, I sent you a helicopter.’ ” So, Sudeikis said, “you can't tell me that hair falling out of my head wasn't—I don't know if it was the speedboat or the pickup truck or the helicopter, but yeah, man, it all comes home to roost. What you resist persists.”

He went on. “That's why I had sciatica,” he said. “That's the speedboat. That was like: ‘Hey, you gotta take a look at your stuff.’ ”

And this is another way that Sudeikis and Ted Lasso are alike, because both are always learning and relearning this lesson, which is: Be curious. Both are philosophical men whose philosophies basically boil down to trying to live as decent a life as is possible. Not just for the sake of it but because to be curious—to find out something new about yourself or someone else—is to be empowered. “I don't know if you remember G.I. Joe growing up,” Sudeikis said, “but they would always end it with a little saying: ‘Oh, now I know.’ ‘Don't put a fork in the outlet.’ ‘Why?’ ‘Because you could get hurt.’ ‘Oh, now I know.’ And then somebody would say, ‘And knowing is half the battle.’ And I agree with that—with kids, knowing is half the battle. But adulthood is doing something about it. That's the other half. ‘I'm bad with names.’ ‘I'm always late.’ Oh! Well, knowing is half the battle. All right, so win the fucking battle by doing something about it! Get better at names. Show up five minutes early, make it a point to do it. So, I'm still learning these things. But hopefully I've got plenty of time to do something about it.”

Sudeikis smiled a little wearily: “I mean, at the end of that joke, the guy still got to go to heaven, you know?”

Zach Baron is GQ's senior staff writer.

A version of this story originally appeared in the August 2021 issue with the title "Jason Sudeikis Paints His Masterpiece."

PRODUCTION CREDITS:

Photographs by Hill & Aubrey

Styled by Michael Darlington

Grooming by Nicky Austin

Tailoring by Nafisa Tosh

Set design by Hella Keck

Produced by Ragi Dholakia Productions

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With ‘Upload,’ Greg Daniels Takes a Leap Into the Great Unknown

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — The new Amazon series “Upload” was in its final week of shooting last May, and Greg Daniels was chewing on everything he could get his hands on, including his hands. Time was waning, and the set — a convincing facsimile of a claustrophobic Queens apartment — was tricky to navigate. Daniels, the series’s creator, watched a monitor as the crew worked the tight spaces and the director shouted commands.He chewed his gum. Cut! — another take, please. He chewed his fingers. Cut! — let’s try again. He leapt from his chair, consulted the crew and came back chewing his thumb. Cut! — one more time for safety.“At least I get to sit back and let her direct,” Daniels said, nodding to the episode’s director, Daina Reid, which was maybe half-true. He had complete faith in his directors, he emphasized, but this was a passion project three decades in the making. There wasn’t much actual sitting back.“It’s hard not to micromanage,” he admitted.Perhaps more than “Parks and Recreation,” which Daniels cocreated, and more than the American version of “The Office,” which Daniels developed and oversaw, “Upload” is his baby, based on an idea he conceived as a writer for “Saturday Night Live” in the late 1980s.A sci-fi dramatic comedy set in 2033, in which the souls of the dying are uploaded to a virtual afterlife, “Upload” is also Daniels’s first major creation since “Parks” ended in 2015. And when it debuts, on May 1, it will do so in the wake of several other notable series focused on similar themes and issues. The pressure was palpable.“It’s been three and a half months of go, go, go,” Daniels sighed. “It’s been a little bit crazy.”As much as anyone in television, Daniels is responsible for a successful brand of TV comedy that feels as familiar now as it felt groundbreaking when “The Office” debuted 15 years ago. His half-hour, single-camera sitcoms, with their deep ensemble casts and tonal blend of cringey awkwardness and heart, offered viewers the easy reliability of the best multicamera comedies but without the one-liners and studio audiences.“Upload,” however, is new territory for Daniels. Gone is the hand-held, mockumentary aesthetic he is best known for. He took a more cinematic approach to “Upload,” which Amazon encouraged him to write as a single contained story. It is his first creation for a streaming service (his second, the astro-political satire “Space Force,” lands next month on Netflix). The plot — told over 10 mostly half-hour episodes that will drop all at once — is tight and binge-ready. The special effects are complex.It also has action. And a murder mystery. And cursing and nudity. And competition.“There are so many good shows,” Daniels said during a car ride between sets. Audience attention is strained, he said, so he packed as many of the things he likes into “Upload” as possible.“Part of the impulse here is to kind of do a genre mash-up — to have satire but also to have romance and the mystery,” he said. “There’s a lot to look at and a lot to think about.”

Heaven, for a price

People love the characters Daniels creates and writes — as in, actually love. The way viewers talk about Michael Scott and Leslie Knope, they might as well be real people. Pam and Jim could be a real couple. Put “Ron Swanson” on an election ballot, and he’d probably do OK.Along the way, the list of actors his series have turned into stars is impressive. Aziz Ansari, Mindy Kaling, John Krasinski, Aubrey Plaza, Chris Pratt: All were relative newcomers before appearing in Daniels’s sitcoms. Fans of “The Daily Show” knew Steve Carell as a correspondent, but it was his role on “The Office” that catapulted his career.“Upload” has a sharper edge than Daniels’s earlier shows (including the animated “King of the Hill,” which he created with Mike Judge), but the cast has familiar qualities: charismatic, diverse, good-looking but approachable, and led by actors who have the glow of indwelling stardom but aren’t widely known.“I think that’s really exciting from a casting standpoint, is to find somebody and see how you’re going to break them,” Daniels said. “And I think there’s a pleasure for the audience in going into a show and being like, ‘I don’t know any of these people.’”One of them is Andy Allo, who plays Nora, a customer service representative at Horizen, a company that manages the virtual afterlife and its digitized human souls, known as uploads. (The reps function as the angels of this digital heaven.)In the series, Nora’s father, a religious man, is dying, and he hopes to join Nora’s deceased mother in the celestial afterlife, not some digital one.“It does bring in so many questions of your existence after death,” Allo said between takes. “Heaven, on this spiritual level, is what my dad believes in, but I work for this company that has created heaven.”Like today’s wireless companies (note the name), Horizen offers different data plans based on what families can afford. If customers exceed their limits, things get glitchy.“How darkly funny it is that you end up almost in a similar way and place that you were in real life?” Allo said. “It’s like pay-by-month” on the bottom tier, she added — heaven when you can afford it. “You get two gigs a month, and once you run out, you freeze.”Although Nora has dozens of other clients, she grows close with Nathan (Robbie Amell), a handsome young upload who took his charmed life for granted before he was critically injured in a self-driving car crash. Ambiguity surrounds the circumstances of his eventual death, drawing Nora and Nathan deep into a dangerous mystery.Meanwhile, Nathan is even more beholden to his rich and controlling girlfriend (Allegra Edwards) than he was before he died, because her family is financing his digital existence.“Being uploaded and essentially being owned as a human being, or as intellectual property, by my girlfriend throws a huge wrench in my life,” Amell said. “So although I get to continue living, it’s definitely not on my own terms.”To create the show’s complex mesh of realities, Daniels relied on multiple directors with prestigious, wide-ranging résumés. (Reid got an Emmy nomination for “The Handmaid’s Tale”; Jeffrey Blitz directed the Oscar-nominated documentary “Spellbound.”)Daniels was among them, directing two episodes including the 45-minute pilot. It is a rare role for him — “I am probably the worst director of the bunch that I have hired,” he said laughing — and “Upload” presents its own technical challenges. Dogs talk. Heads explode. Characters and objects (and useful body parts) appear and disappear.On an outdoor set, an actor whacked a nonexistent golf ball toward a green screen, then traded barbs with a patch of grass. In the finished version, the empty space became a hologram of another actor playing Arnold Palmer, who died in 2016.“The game just keeps getting harder,” Daniels said. “I shot the pilot, and then ‘Ready Player One’ came out. Spielberg is master of special effects, and he had, like, a 20-minute opening shot with no cuts in it, zooming through this world, going in and out of VR and the real world.”Thirty years ago, Daniels likely wouldn’t have measured himself against Steven Spielberg. But in the era of streaming and prestige TV, the competition had evolved.“I was like, ‘Oh God,’” Daniels said. “‘His one shot is like 20 times the budget of my entire pilot.’”

A convincing future

TV has become highly interested in post-mortem journeys of self-discovery, in shows like Amazon’s “Forever,” TBS’s “Miracle Workers” and Netflix’s “Russian Doll.” Daniels is aware of the micro-trend but doesn’t consider “Upload” to be following an increasingly well-trod metaphysical path.Ask about “Black Mirror,” and he is quick to tell you he devised and sold the idea for “Upload” well before the debut of “San Junipero” — an episode that won two Emmys in 2017 for its story set in a digital hereafter.Ask about “The Good Place,” however, and he is thoughtful to the point of appearing vulnerable. “The Good Place” wasn’t TV’s only comedy about the afterlife, as he noted. But it was the only one put out by his “Parks and Recreation” co-creator, Michael Schur.“I couldn’t believe that Mike had the idea for ‘The Good Place’ while I was doing this,” Daniels said. “I don’t watch ‘The Good Place’ because of the similarities. I don’t want to watch it.”Given the creators’ shared history, comparisons between the shows will be inevitable. Each is a high-concept comedy set in an afterworld with design flaws and equally flawed but charming staff. But “Upload” has a detailed and believable universe all its own.Perhaps its greatest distinguishing feature is the focus on technology and class. The tone is sometimes dark, not just darkly funny, and even frightening.Daniels said he’d wanted realism, a version of the near-future that was convincing and recognizable. A Tinder-like app lets people rate their hookups. Unemployment might keep you out of heaven.“For the pitch, I was referencing Kafka and Charlie Chaplin in ‘Modern Times,’” he said. “That’s, to me, why to do it, because it feels like it says something about income inequality and capitalism.”Traditional notions of heaven are about “both living past your body’s death but also, supposedly, some sort of fairness or ultimate reward for the good and the meek,” he added. “In this version, that’s not happening — it’s just the rich and capitalistic getting it.”That pitch had traveled its own Kafkaesque journey, metamorphosing as it went. Daniels conceived an early version while brainstorming “S.N.L.” sketches but ultimately decided to table the idea, and then later tried to turn it into a short story. During the writers’ strike of 2007-8, he took a stab at making it a novel. He didn’t pitch it as a TV show until several years later, selling it to HBO in 2015.HBO spent some time developing the concept, but then the executive who bought it left. Daniels resold it in 2016 to Amazon.“There have been other shows that dealt with the afterlife, but I think the way that Greg has designed the show is truly and fully unique,” said Ryan Andolina, the head of comedy at Amazon Studios. Andolina also bought Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s “Fleabag,” a favorite of Daniels’s, and he viewed “Upload” as another kind of auteur comedy. “Greg is very meticulous and specific, and had a very clear idea of what the show was.”It would’ve been easy for Daniels to make another network mockumentary, but he seems determined to push himself. “Space Force” will reunite him with Carell, who pitched him the show in July 2018, not long after President Trump announced his desire to create a new military branch of the same name.The Netflix series is not quite science fiction, though there are spaceships, and the cast and cinematic production signal a significant budget. Another thing it isn’t: a network mockumentary.“Mockumentary is terrific — it’s a really fun style,” he said. “But after nine years of ‘The Office’ and seven years of ‘Parks and Recreation,’ I don’t know, I felt like I wanted to do something else.”He paused, then laughed. “After dealing with this many green screens, I could see going back to mockumentary.” Read the full article

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anndelize · 6 years

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What do you do when one of your good friends is also an incredibly inspirational and dedicated multi-media artist? Well, you interview them of course! 🙂

The Interview

Who are you and what do you do?

I can call myself an artist after 20 years of self doubt. I do painting, sculpture, printmaking, photography, but first and foremost, I draw.

Why do you do what you do?

Because I cannot stop. I get tetchy and irritated if I don’t draw for a while. Ideas also swirl through my head and, like winding up a clock, sooner or later it is fully wound up and ready to come out as a sketch, drawing, painting, etc.

How do you work?

I get passionate about my project, read and research as much as I can, talk to friends/artists, sketch ideas as I go. I need to be alone once I start working. People distract me then. I’m currently working on the kitchen table as the studio room I have is too small and cluttered, and cold in the winter. I start the studio day doing household chores so I can then focus on my art without distraction. It would be a dream to have a studio away from the house. It is also helpful to have a few projects on the go, or an exhibition date to work to. Otherwise work (my other job), life, family, friends call me away.

Klara Jones (detail) Allerleirauh, silicone, paint, human hair, animal skins

What’s your background?

I’m from a Central European background, Hungary and Romania. I have been told my subject matter and style is quite dark.

I’ve studied only through TAFE (Adult Education College), first with a certificate in art and design, then working towards a diploma in visual arts. Something I never completed, however it gave me skills in film photography and darkroom process, as well as painting, drawing and printmaking.

I found the more teachers one has over time, the more one learns.

I had to leave study to work and picked up a job as a graphic designer based on a folio of drawings.

Klara Jones. Old man Boogie, pen and ink, tea, watercolour

What’s integral to the work of an artist?

The freedom to explore. Supportive friends and family who respect my art as work. Being part of an artist community to share ideas and solidarity.

Permission to allow myself to go into the studio even if it’s not a productive day.

Discipline to stay in there when it’s a beautiful day outside or my art isn’t working out.

What role does the artist have in society?

In good times, the artist can feed the soul with beauty or thought-provoking work. In bad times, the artist can feed the soul and create a temporary escape. Without artists, there would be no movies, fashion, aesthetics in architecture or cars, furniture, watches, clothing. It is all around us.

Klara Jones. The Race, oil paint on canvas

Klara Jones. RRH woodcutter, oil on canvas board, old oak frame

What has been a seminal experience?

That moment for me was in 1986 at the Brisbane Art Gallery, QLD. I went to see the 20thCentury Masters exhibition of works from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York. I walked around a corner and saw Picasso’s ‘Woman in White’. The sight of it knocked the air out of me and staring at it was the moment I thought I must learn to create work as beautiful.

Explain what you do in 100 words

I draw mostly, sometimes whimsical pen and inks, sometimes more serious portraits and nudes. I love the face, the body, the person. It is an endless exploration – from describing the curves and lines that create a figure, to the folly of human character.

I prefer black and white as so much can be described with tone, line and texture. Colour can sometimes confuse the message, although it has its uses for emotion and interest.

Klara Jones. Death Tree, pen and ink, gold leaf

How has your practice changed over time

I think I’ve grown more skilled and confident. I used to worry that I wasn’t selling work and making a living from it. For me now, it’s not about earning money, it’s about having something to say and sharing it. Also, I don’t need to worry about what will sell and making it ‘commercially appealing’.

It has always been about making people smile, feel an emotion or to think.

What art do you most identify with?

The line. Whether it is drawing, etching or big calligraphic brush strokes.

What work do you most enjoying doing?

Drawing. Whether it’s the feint spidery tickle of pencil on cartridge, the dark, thick smudge of charcoal or the danger of nib pen and with Indian ink (danger being the potential to splat on the page if I am not concentrating).

Or, I could say, whatever I am doing when the flow hits me. When I paint, I fall in and out of love with the painting depending on what stage it is at. I love the technical side as well, so printmaking or working in the darkroom developing photos is great.

Klara Jones. Samarai Girl, pen and ink, tea, watercolour

Klara Jones. Handless Maiden, graphite on rag paper

What themes do you pursue?

Human nature and story telling. I’m currently reading Grimm’s tales. It works on so many levels: love, escape, morals, adventure, the protagonist ending with success, good guys, bad guys, tragedy, sometimes magic or a gift, evil, fragility, resistance, honesty, bravery, perseverance.

What’s your favourite art work?

That is tough. It’s like asking what is my favourite song.

Probably depending on my mood at the time.

Many artworks. Woman in White remains one of my favourite paintings. It is serene, multi-layered but with simple, muted colour. William Dobell’s portrait of Helena Rubenstein in the NGV Australia. A wood bas relief of Salome from the 14thC in the NGV International. Eastern European religious icons. Otherwise, anything by Caravaggio or several Australian and local Gippsland artists.

Describe a real-life situation that inspired you?

Warsaw National Museum, a student, Erik, from the Warsaw Academy of Fine Arts, was painting a 1:1 scale of Jan Matejko’s ‘Battle of Grunwald’. Size of the original is 10 metres wide x 4metres deep. Erik was painting it in twelve panels over two years. His dedication to the project made me think to lift my game.

I also know two art teachers, who are partners. They both work fulltime and raise a child. They each take a turn in the studio after work whilst the other sorts out the family, dinner and housework. This is discipline. And it works.

Klara Jones. At the Opera, pen and ink ,and tea

Klara Jones. Angel Faith, pen and ink

Why art?

Art is important to life. My life. Also to everyone. To live without it would make life dull.

What is an artistic outlook on life?

Seeing beauty in small things or trying to draw attention to the everyday.

Problem solving by not always thinking logically.

What memorable responses have you had to your work?

My first solo exhibition. I had no idea if anyone would turn up. It was crowded and I sold 2/3 of the work on opening night. As much as selling the work wasn’t so important, it was validation that it was worthwhile and people connected with it.

A few people said they had cried when they saw pieces I had made.

Klara Jones. Inktober 28

Is the artistic life lonely? What do you do to counteract it?

It can be lonely. When I’m busy or have limited time I don’t notice it.

I might take a little break or an evening off. Spend time with my partner or call family or a friend.

When people come to visit I cannot work and have to pack up and pay attention to them. I must be careful not to spend too much time alone.

What do you dislike about the art world?

One comment about me once, “but she only draws.” No he hadn’t seen anything else I have done over the years but the comment was still insulting.

I see drawing as a means in itself, not a means to an end.

Art investment that follows trends, rather than talent.

Pretentiousness with only mediocre work.

Snobbishness – when one must have the right CV to become short-listed for an art prize and come from the ‘right’ art school. It should be judged on how accomplished and imaginative the artist is and the artwork should speak for itself.

Klara Jones. Cat and Mouse, charcoal, gesso

What do you dislike about your work?

That I only draw.

Sorry, no, that’s not true.

That I don’t draw enough.

That I don’t do anything enough.

That I can get distracted.

That I thought after 20 years I would be more accomplished. I see art and skill as levels. Always chasing the next level and hoping not to go backwards.

What do you like about your work?

I like when I get it right and cannot criticise it. I enjoy looking at some pieces even years later.

Should art be funded?

Well, YES!

What role does arts funding have?

It allows artists the chance to explore their ideas without compromise, pays for art material, allows communities to have projects when they couldn’t otherwise realise their ideas. There is a cultural aspect to a society and part of the government’s job is to promote the culture within the society.

Klara Jones. Lady Bear, pen and ink, tea, watercolour

What research do you do?

Internet, reading books on topics, techniques, visiting galleries, talking with fellow artists, or non-artists, on topics I might need to learn.

What is your dream project?

The one I am doing – Grimm’s tales.

Then the next one…

Name three artists you’d like to be compared to.

Sue Fraser, local Gippsland artist.

Kathe Kollwitz, German expressionist artist.

Aubrey Beardsley

Favourite or most inspirational place

NGV International and NGV Australia in Melbourne. After his death in 1904, Alfred Felton left money to the National Gallery of Victoria, which has been used to invest in artwork, making it one of the best galleries in the world. I always have a little thrill when I see ‘Felton Bequest’ next to an artwork.

Klara Jones. Girl Sheets, pen and ink, tea, watercolour

Klara Jones. Girl Monkey, pen and ink, tea, watercolour

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve been given?

Don’t start the details too early in a drawing. Keep it general for a while until you know it is correct.

Also, if the eye is in the wrong place (for example), even if it’s the best eye you have ever drawn, rub it out and correct it.

Professionally, what’s your goal?

To be professional in my art and its presentation. To not settle for a lesser work if I can re-do it better.

What wouldn’t you do without?

Staedler Mars Lumograph pencils. They’re not top-of-the-range, but are still smooth to draw with. I can carry them anywhere. Plus a sketchbook for sketching people, taking notes in galleries or thrashing out ideas anywhere, anytime. These two are the most basic things. Everything else is fluff.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and processes with us Klara.

To see more of Klara’s work visit her Instagram page below:

Klara Jones, Instagram

Artist Interview: Klara Jones What do you do when one of your good friends is also an incredibly inspirational and dedicated multi-media artist?

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