this is both the worst shark week AND worst cold of my life (EVERYTHING TASTES AWFUL. NOT JUST DULL, *AWFUL*) and i am COMPLAINING. .i officially HATE THIS. SKIN... STINGING. JOINTS YELLING cannot sit up dizzy and *cramps* fucking HELL this should be illegalllll whyyyYYYYYY like im sorry i really try to keep the chronic pain whining to a minimum (bc it is Always) so when i have Non-Typical Suffering IM GOING TO SCREAM ABOUT THIS. I HATE IT THANKS WE HAD *ENOUGH ALREADY*

also i have important THING TO DO and i cant BRAIN IT i hate. sob. sobbing

this is a long rant

Okay sooooooo this is probably going to be a very boring post, but I’m gonna write it because it’s bugging me. Also, this is basically just me ranting about periods, so I mean…probably a little bit of TMI but oh well.

So on Monday, my mom and I drove (at least) an hour to go see a fertility specialist to try to figure out what to do for my PCOS. (Side note: being an 18-year-old at a fertility clinic is exactly as weird as you think it is!) And it was the biggest, most frustrating waste of time ever.

Here’s how things have gone with my PCOS—I’ve had periods since I was ten, and they have ALWAYS been extremely painful and irregular. Like. It was bad. Especially considering I was still a child, who was getting extremely heavy periods much more often than other people with normal cycles. We finally started to figure out I probably had PCOS last year (due to the fact that not only do I have irregular periods, but I have all these *truly lovely* symptoms like excessive hair growth and being virtually incapable of losing weight). I believe it was last August that I was diagnosed, after getting this enormous blood test done where they took so long trying to find a vein that I nearly threw up. So around last August or September, I started taking birth control to try to regulate my period so I would actually have a normal cycle. And then we switched birth control. And then we switched again. And there’s just been a lot of switching (a lot of which was done while trying to find antidepressants that worked, so that was fun). Usually the birth control pills didn’t work and made my moods super weird, which was probably partly due to not being on the right antidepressants, but anyway.

So back in Feb/March, I found the right antidepressants and (I thought) the right birth control. I gradually stopped getting incredibly weird mood swings before my period (I’m not talking about normal mood swings; I’m talking about going from okay to feeling suicidal the week before/during my period). By May, I really pretty much stopped getting those terrible mood swings (I noticed this while in New York seeing DEH, so that was pretty cool). I mean, I still feel more emotional and anxious before my period, but it’s at a more normal level. But the problem is, my cycle is not regular. For a while, I was getting my period every two weeks. My gynecologist recommended I try skipping the week of placebo pills, but that didn’t work. SO then I tried taking the placebo pills, and oh. My gosh. I started feeling incredibly sick on my periods. Like absolutely awful, like I’m getting the flu. I don’t know what the heck is happening; I think some of it’s cause my hormones aren’t regulating themselves right, and I’m kind of wondering if I might have something besides PCOS, like maybe endometriosis.

SOOOO jump forward to this past Monday. We went and saw this fertility specialist because obviously I’m having issues and I have no clue what’s going on, and I would love some answers! So this doctor who saw me asked very few questions. She asked how often I was getting my period, and that was pretty much it. I kept trying to tell her, “Every time I get it, I feel absolutely horrible.” But she never picked up on that? She just kept asking me if I’d tried metformin, which as I’ve mentioned before, is an absolutely awful drug that’s supposed to help you lose weight. (PCOS often times comes along with insulin resistance, which basically makes it so all the sugar you eat is turned into fat. I don’t know exactly how it works but basically I have to avoid sugar, or else I’ll gain weight/feel sick.) I told her I had tried it—and all the variations of it, like the extended-release tablet, cutting up the pills so I could stomach them better, etc. And I told her that they made me sick no matter how I took them, so I was choosing to not take them. But she kept pushing it? Like, she asked over and over again, “But did you really try it? Did you try breaking them up? Did you try the extended release?” It was honestly so frustrating because I had said numerous times, “Yes, I tried them *all different ways*, and none of them worked.” (Also, let me just add that she told my mom and me that metformin helps you lose weight because it makes you too sick to eat. So I mean. Do you know how stupid it is to tell someone that and then bug them about why they won’t take it?!)

So again, I kept trying to bring up how sick I feel on my periods, but she ignored that—and decided to keep me on the same meds. I looked at her and said, “So even though these don’t work, you’re going to keep me on them.” And she was just like, “Yep! I want to keep trying them!” LIKE I HAVE BEEN TRYING THESE FOR MONTHS. And every period makes me feel worse. I spent all day yesterday with a migraine. I had to call out of work today because I felt so awful. I literally got out of bed this morning and immediately almost threw up, and then have spent the rest of the day barely able to move because I’m so dizzy.

So all that to say…I’m incredibly frustrated. I sat in the car and cried after seeing her because I just want someone to help me and I feel like all the doctors I’ve seen don’t even try. My gynecologist doesn’t know what to do for PCOS besides experiment with different birth control and metformin, so she sent me to an endocrinologist in January or February. The endocrinologist just told me to keep taking metformin, even though I told her it made me too sick to keep taking it (she also made some incredibly rude comments about my OCD to top it all off). And then I try this fertility specialist, and not only will she not switch my meds, but she won’t even talk to me enough to try to understand what’s going on with me.

Basically I just wish I could find a doctor who actually wanted to help, and it’s getting really frustrating because I feel so, so sick every month (sometimes multiple times a month cause my body doesn’t understand the fact that it’s supposed to have a normal cycle and not give me a period every two weeks).

Okay. *deep breath* Rant over. I’m just feeling cruddy today and feel even worse because I had to miss work (which makes me feel guilty and gross and ugh).

Anyway. I’m tired and dizzy and not feeling great, but I’m gonna try to do some writing tonight. Thanks for reading this massive, unnecessary rant. Love ya all <3