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stargirl-writes · 6 months

Text

promises

pairing : f! reader x rots! anakin skywalker

word count : 1k

masterlist | ao3 link

summary

ever since anakin had killed dooku, your anxiety has never settled. for you were watching him slowly lose himself in the war. and you lie late at night lost in the idea that maybe, being with you didn't make any difference at all. so, you watched him sleep, at peace, stealing what little time you could have with him.

tags : angst, comfort, love, flangst (?)

warnings : pretty much none, just angsty stuff to cry to hehe

notes : hello beautiful people! i finished the film past lives and there's this one line that just shattered me 😭 so i just wanna share this little imagine before i go to sleep :) hope ya like it 🪽🩷

likes, comments, and reblogs are highly appreciated ! (and fuels me hehe)

Anakin Skywalker is your secret.

Your beautiful little secret.

Here wrapped in these sheets, where everything softens. Hushed. Kissed by the gentle rays of the moonlight.

You have been awake for some time now. But you didn't dare move. Anakin was still deep in his dreams exhausted from the day before. Despite his slumber, his arms wrap around you protectively.

You placed your head on his chest, following his breathing and listening to the soft thuds of his heart.

Your gaze lands on his peaceful expression.

How can someone look so beautifu?

You thought, he looked like the people in the paintings. Like how an artist would imagine a being with the perfect proportions. And he'd move as if each stroke is intended with grace.

The force made him. You'd sometimes catch yourself lost in his eyes, staring, studying the way it'd crease at the ends when he smiles. Is he even human? You'd think to yourself. He is the galaxy made flesh. That has to account for his prettiness, you think.

You take a deep breath; the scales of the ongoing war are further tipped to the Republic's advantage after Anakin had killed Dooku.

It was so close. Even the air itself has shifted. You can feel it, the end. You can almost visualize it.

Maybe then, things will change...

Selfishly, you feel your heart ache by the little amount of time you could share with Anakin. You can't help it, you have always belonged to him, and for that, you have suffered.

He is the Jedi Order's first. Before you can call him yours. You're not even sure if he is his own's anymore. Because you've watched how this war takes so much of him.

Be smarter, Be more cunning, Be more ruthless. Offer yourself again and again and again.

There's so little of him that remains.

You blinked, sighing once more. You reminded yourself that you are here, tangled in his embrace. It was enough to know that here he lies, with you.

Anakin shifts and you hold your breath. You begged the Gods to not wake him, not yet, let me have him, just for now.

Anakin mutters something. Huttese, the language he grew up on. Your eyebrows furrowed, you never really got to understanding the language even after studying it.

His heart paces under your touch. You kept your gaze on his face, deciding whether you should wake him up or have him rest.

He has been having so many nightmares lately...

His eyes abruptly open and you lent your weight on your elbow to better survey him.

"It's alright, Ani, it was just a dream" You spoke softly, careful not to startle him.

Anakin's wide-eye terror softens at the sight of you, his chest heaves trying to catch his breath.

"It's alright" You coo once more, placing a kiss on his forehead.

He presses his eyes close, and his eyes are intent in yours as he follows your breathing.

You can't help but feel a sting in your heart. He is reaching his limit, and it worries you that whenever he's away, he is close to blurring the lines and crossing it.

Anakin presses his face to your clavicle, and your hands find a way to tangle in his hair. Noticing his silence, you spoke soothingly "What's on your mind, Ani?"

Anakin's breath felt warm against your neck. You used to be able to read Anakin's thoughts. Like he'd write it down in words on pages of a novel for you to be able to understand him. But now, he's been more distant, more incoherent, and you feel as though you have to decipher every little thing that he allows you to see.

"mmm—just tired" Anakin's voice was gravelly and of resignation.

Stop turning me away. You wanted to say. But you already know that the more you try to push him, the further he'll hide away.

You take a deep breath, wishing you could take away some of the weight off his shoulders. "You know you speak in Huttese when you're asleep"

"I do?" Anakin tilts his chin, his eyes are still half-asleep.

"Yeah, I could never understand it though" You managed a wan smile.

"That's probably good for you, Huttese is a very coarse language" He claims.

"Still—" You held back your tongue, deciding it would only drive him away if you asked about his dream.

"I fear that you dream in a language I can't understand"

The silence hung. Anakin must be asleep.

Your gaze moved faraway— deep in contemplation. Wondering if you being in his life made any difference at all.

"You know, I only ever feel like myself when I'm with you, right?" Anakin speaks, voice barely above a whisper.

Your cheeks flushed scarlet, realizing your force signature may have revealed your anxieties.

"I know"

Anakin shifts his head, eyes latched on to you like he was memorizing every detail of your face.

"Ani" you began, "If there's a life after it all, will you come with me?"

Anakin's eyebrows flashed at the suddenness of your question.

"What do you mean?" He places his hand on the small of your back, tracing small circles.

"Well, I'm only wondering, will you come with me, even then?"

Anakin's expression softens, recognizing your fears. You were losing him, slowly, bit by bit. And if you're bound to him in this life, why not in the other?

When you can finally feel like you're not constantly the only one holding on.

He doesn't answer for a while, you feel the need to ramble, to withdraw.

It was silly of you to ask, he is free to choose whatever life he wants to live after it all, besides, if he decides to want to rest, you won't take that away from him, if he ever wants to—

"I'll go wherever you go" he declares, halting the thoughts plaguing your mind.

His eyes drift away from yours "I can't... I know what my duty requires of me and I'm sorry if I haven't been here for you."

"But, I'll love you in a time that isn't stolen" he promises, tucking your hair away from your face.

You felt tears glistening in your eyes. You smiled, leaning in to tenderly kiss Anakin.

The hope of it all would be enough to keep you going.

Just a little while longer.

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stargirl-writes · 6 months

Text

denial

pairing : force healer jedi! reader x anakin skywalker

word count : 1.5k

masterlist

summary

anakin skywalker confessed his love for you. except, you turned him down, reminding yourself of your duty to the jedi. weeks would have passed and you're reaching a breaking point where you can no longer deny how you felt about him.

tags : angst, mutual pining, fluff towards the end,

warnings : pretty much just denial of how reader feels, and angst with a happy ending (!)

notes : hi lovely people! this is the first thing i'll post under this blog! thank u for taking interest in my little imagine, i hope you like it!

likes, reblogs, and comments are highly appreciated !

It has been a few weeks since Anakin Skywalker told you he loved you. For a moment, the cruelest thing to do seemed like the sweetest thing he could say.

For you both know that the Jedi Council will forbid you to delight in this feeling.

No attachments, live to serve the good, clear lines. No devotions.

You didn't understand how loving someone can be so corrupting, after all, the Jedi Code taught you compassion for all things. That in itself is an act of love. Living so detached from things just makes it all feel... meaningless.

Why hurt for love? Why hurt for not loving?

But now, ever since Anakin told you he wanted you, you are held by a ravenous grip that left you feeling breathless. Suffocated.

Because the truth was simple: You wanted to hoard Anakin in your heart and keep him there. You wanted Anakin.

Of course, you didn't mean it. Anakin Skywalker is the only one who truly knew you. He shredded down your walls to find you where you're most vulnerable and loved you anyway. He wasn't scared of the things about you he didn't understand. Things you, too, find difficult to accept.

But caught by the abruptness, you could only tell him "We can't" before storming out of the room that one night.

You were perplexed, because for the longest time you have resigned yourself to the idea that you were the only one feeling it.

And now he says he loves you. All along.

He loved you.

He loved you despite, despite, despite...

And you turned him down.

Because you can't....

You were bound by duty first. And your duty is to serve the Republic. You can't have Anakin, not if he is supposed to be the chosen one.

You still cried in your sleep; angry and tremendously sorry you turned the closest thing to love away.

You can't take the Republic's only chance of surviving this war. He was meant for something larger than you are. Larger than both of you. You understood this, but it didn't really make it hurt any less.

It fell into this odd... silence between both of you.

You'd catch yourself looking for him in every room you find yourself in. A force of habit. His force signature used to be a warm beacon of light to anchor you, now every time you sense Anakin, your heart aches.

Haunted by the images in your mind of what could be if you allowed him to love you. Terrified that you've allowed yourself to want to share a lifetime with him.

You can't. You wouldn't.

You shuffle in your bed, unable to find a spot so you can comfortably rest. You were becoming more frustrated, for your mind just won't turn itself off.

You grabbed your robe and pulled your hair away from your face, tying it back.

With a sigh, you sit up. It would be futile to attempt any sleep, dawn was already breaking from the windows of the Jedi Temple.

Force healing is something that not every Jedi practices, for it requires a deeper state of discipline and precision. Besides, there are medical droids that can take care of the wounded.

The council had briefed you on your mission for today, you're stationed at the med-bay to overlook the casualties after the recent attack on Kamino.

You valued healing; no matter how forgotten it may have been for the Jedi Order. So, this mission is equally important to you as fighting in the front lines.

The halls of the temple were still quiet, deep in sleep. You wander around, not really knowing where to head.

You hear a shuffle from behind, and instinctively, you turn.

You halt at a balcony— entranced by the rising sun. You breathed deep, wondering when all became so complicated.

A pair of blue eyes meet your doe-eyed gaze. You surveyed him, he looked like he just came from battle, his robes were covered in dust, and his eyes were glossy as if he had been awake for some time, too.

"Anakin" you breathed out, realizing it had been the first time you addressed him after the night he confessed.

"[Name]" He answers, sounding tired.

Your heart thumps, unsure, and half-terrified that if he calls your name again, you might fall to pieces.

"How did the mission on Kamino go?" You say, trying to find any topic other than—

Anakin steps forward, leaning against the balcony. You hold your breath. Being so close to him felt like all air vanishes.

"It went alright" Anakin answers, his gaze falling into the horizon.

Your eyes trail on his arm, noticing the dried blood, a gash maybe, you step forward, wanting to get a closer look, your healing instincts telling you something was off.

"You're hurt" You say, your hand carefully moving his robe.

Anakin sharply turns at your touch. Then his eyes bore into yours. You lifted your fingers, realizing you may have startled him.

Anakin always had you. Part of the reason you were persistent in learning healing. Because the anxiety of him hurting never settled, and you wanted to be equipped to take care of him.

"Let me do this, it won't take long" You insisted, because you knew Anakin too well, and he'd not get it checked until someone else forces him to sit down at the med-bay.

The wound started closing and after a moment, it was like it wasn't there in the first place.

Anakin nods, his eyes never leave yours.

You felt it, a ripple through the force. A very specific frequency. A jedi might mistake his hurt as that of a physical one. But you have memorized him too much to read through his pretenses.

The wounds hurt, yes. But he is carrying a lot more pain than he lets on.

So, you continued. Your fingers graze over his skin, channelling the force, willing it to heal the gash.

You withdrew your touch. The silence lingered. It's a silence that makes you feel mad, because it feels like this is how it'll always be for you and Anakin now. Delicately dancing around the elephant in the room.

The silence amplified the voice screaming in your heart.

You may as well just say it out loud because your force signature is latched with it. It involuntarily pours your heart out.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

"Anakin" you began, your lips opening and closing unable to find words to express how you felt.

He turns his head, standing straight, he had an expression you recognized. Some sort of braceness, like he was already anticipating for you to break his heart again.

"I'm sorry" was all you could say.

Even if you would've ran away with him if he asked you to.

Clear lines. No attachments. You'd cross them all if he asked you to.

This was the right thing to do, you think...

"Don't" Anakin shakes his head "Don't... I know you don't mean it" His eyes fall to his feet.

"No, I do" You answer swiftly— no longer able to deny how much it had hurted you too.

You felt tears threatening to cascade down your face. You've heard it said that love turns people soft, but you have never felt more broken now that you have loved something you can't have.

"Anakin, when I said we can't, it's because I can't take you for myself. You're meant for larger things. Only with the Jedi can you fulfill your destiny" You rambled, verbalizing the thoughts you convinced yourself to believe in at night.

Anakin's eyebrows furrowed, but you continued "It doesn't mean I didn't, that I don't—" You halted, your heart and mind tearing you apart.

"[Name]" he calls, "You are no small thing in my life" He tucks a loose strand of hair to your ear.

"I meant it when I told you I love you." His palm presses on your cheeks.

You thought you could crumble beneath his touch.

These weeks, the small amount of time you spent trying to convince yourself that his feelings will eventually pass, never faltered the way how you felt. His absence felt like half of you was missing. And now, he was here, insisting softly.

You can't hold it in anymore.

So, in the absence of words, you pressed your lips against his— slowly, gently, slipping into the intimacy you only ever shared with him.

I love you.

You say between the kisses, hoping it'd suffice for you can't quite bring yourself to say it just yet.

Nothing in the world belonged to you, just this love you were overpouring with. And this kiss— it felt like the beginning of something eternal.

Whatever that may be.

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stargirl-writes · 6 months

Text

through your eyes

pairing : librarian! reader x artist! anakin skywalker

word count : 2.7k

masterlist | ao3 link

summary

you'd find every book there is in search of a world you can get lost in. you thought you weren't really special enough to pursue an adventure for yourself. when one day, you notice a certain jedi spend a lot of time in your quiet library. strange— how he'd choose to sit in solitude when he can be pursuing a more colorful life outside, even stranger, is how he shows you a portrait he drew of you.

tags : fluff, romance, comfort, maybe a bit of angst(?), but it's a happy fic i promise!

warnings : none(!)

notes : hello angels! i REALLY needed to write a lover-boy-anakin for my sanity and this came to me because of this blog and watching 'the portrait of a lady on fire' because i just love how artists love. so if you're in for a tooth-aching soft fluffy ani fic, i gotchu!

likes, comments, and reblogs are highly appreciated!

There is nothing more magical than the worlds you escape in reading for hours.

You can become an adventurer, seeking a great legend, or a fighter, ready to give your life for a cause, or a witch, enchanting villages to heal, or something useful, like a staple gun, or in love.

It would always take you away from the realities of your world. A galactic war, you grieve at night for; because you're you. And you're only the librarian in the capital city of Coruscant.

Besides, there's the Jedi Order and the Republic to fight the war. All there's left for you is to wait, and cry silently, and try to live despite it all.

You close the book you were holding, it was the last installation of the novel you were following. Towards the end, the female lead finally achieved her life's purpose— a happy ending.

It left you feeling empty, jealous even. Because she got to live a life worth hurting for— a sweet fervor. At least her suffering is met by an ending she deserves.

With a sigh, you got up and placed the book neatly on the bookshelf. The library was quiet, like it usually is. No one seems to take interest in thousands of stories waiting to be unravelled.

Maybe, they're actually living a life worth telling a story for. And you're here, stuck, looking for anything to take you off your own reality.

You heard a chair creak from a distance. You perk your head up, trying to find the source of the sound.

A lone man sat, holding what looked like a book in his hand. He was wearing robes you could recognize were of the Jedi's. Strange, a Jedi reading, even stranger, he was holding something, a pencil or a pen, and he was writing down in his book.

As the librarian, you wanted to come up and ask him if there was anything you could help him with. Half-hoping to hear what type of books he was interested in. But his eyes were focused and intent, like he was really immersed, and you thought it best not to disturb him.

So you left him to his business. It was already late, and your energy is already depleted from finishing your book.

The following days were identical. Arranging books, cleaning shelves, helping a few readers find their books.

The Jedi you once saw that night became ever-more present. You wanted to ask what he was reading, must be something good if he's willing to sit down and go through it rather than pursue colorful adventures as a Jedi.

You were finishing the inventory one night when you curiously peeked over the Jedi. His eyes caught yours and you looked away, embarrassed to have been so shamefully staring.

But then, your curiosity overcomes your embarrassment, so you walk up the Jedi.

"I can't help but notice you come here often" You began, trying your best to conceal your excitement. You wanted to know what he was reading, you needed some place to take your mind off.

"Oh?" He looks up, closing his book.

The cover didn't have a title, and you frowned at the let down.

"Well, I've never seen a Jedi actively want to read before" You commented, earning a chuckle from him.

"May I ask what you're reading?" You blurt out.

You could feel his gaze land on you and you suddenly feel conscious of being subjected to his attention.

He shakes his head with a lighthearted smile, and tucks his book to his robes.

"No, I'm sorry, It's not a book" He answers.

Seeming to read the visible disappointment in your face, he brings the book on the table again.

"Then what is it?"

"I draw, sometimes" He answers, handing you his journal, you turn the page revealing his sketch of the architecture of the library, it was elaborate, sharp lines that capture the symmetry of the columns, darker shades where there is no light.

Your eyes land on another sketch, a mech-droid. He even has a deconstructed version beside it like he had been studying how to operate it.

You turn another page, and you recognize a woman, Madame Jocasta, the librarian for the Jedi Library.

"These are really well done." You commented. "Are you a mechanic?" You asked, finding another elaborate deconstruction of a lightsaber.

"Yeah, you can say" He answers with a smile. "But I'm a Jedi knight, I'm only drawing what interests me"

"Why come to the library then?" You asked, turning to the last few pages, and to your surprise, you saw a sketch of the night you finished a novel you were reading.

Your cheeks were painted scarlet— following the lines he used to capture your visible dismay. You look up, stuck between being flattered and feeling embarassed.

"I meant to give you that" He scratches the back of his head.

You shake your head, deciding it was an innocent act to observe and draw what he sees. "Well, you got my nose wrong" You tease.

He chuckles, as if he's relieved by your positive reaction.

You dared turn another page and find another portrait of you, you recognize that it had been the day when you were explaining the metaphor used in your favorite classical tale of a boy who's got too much in his ego, it ended up being his downfall.

The Jedi didn't fail to capture the Twilek's reaction to your rambling and you laughed at the picture.

"I think she just wasn't ready to hear the tale of a boy who got too close to the sun" You explained the reason for the Twilek's expression on the portrait.

"I don't understand why it'd be a tragedy, Icarus was smiling when he fell" The Jedi speaks, and your heart skips a beat. He knows the story, you fought the excitement to urge him to expand on his thought.

"You know the story?"

"Ah, my mother used to tell me a lot" He answers. "She told me that he knew exactly what it'd mean if he went too far"

"And you think he was happy when he fell?" You inquired, curious by his optimistic view.

"I think he finally achieved his life's purpose" His lips curl to a smile.

For a moment, you held your breath, perplexed by how he interpreted such a tragic end.

You caught him looking, and you stripped your gaze away, closing his journal and handing it back to him.

You hoped that you've not made him feel embarrassed to not want to come again. The way he gave a fresh view on your favorite tale made you want to hear what he has to say.

"Well, if you're interested in drawing, I'm always here" You invited.

His eyebrows flash. "In that case, I swear I'll never bore the way that Twilek did. You can tell me all the stories you can"

Your heart skips and you can't help but smile at the thought.

"My name's Anakin"

"[Name]"

Anakin became more apparent to your life.

With your permission, he finally was able to study you, his eyes would narrow in focus, trying to replicate what he sees and how he sees you using a pencil, and you, reading stories and tales out loud.

In the beginning, you felt squirmish. He was really intent on looking at you, seeing you. No one else has quite looked at you the way he does. and you felt like every insecurity of yours was brought up front.

It felt like undressing; you thought, if he sees too closely, and unmasks you, will there be anything underneath? You felt like you were too mundane for him to look at you the way he does.

"And towards the end, she'd settle for a quiet life. She'd have lain on the ground he'd walk on, and this was a life she could see herself in" You finished the tale.

Anakin's eyebrows furrowed, showing dislike for the ending. "That can't be her end" He states his opinion.

You put down the book, happy that he was thinking the same as you. "Why do you say?" You encouraged him to speak more.

He doesn't stop looking up and down from you to his sketch. "She was an traveller, she wanted to sail" He recalled the synopsis.

"She was in love, it made her have different priorities" You considered the point the author made.

His hand halts, and his eyes land on yours. "If he truly loved her, he would have allowed her to become a fully realized person. He'd not have asked her to extinguish her fire" He looks up, as if in thought. "If he loved her, being near her fire would have been enough"

You smiled, surprised to learn that Anakin had been such a romantic.

"Well, what do I know, I've never been in love" You shrugged.

You look up to find Anakin's expression soften. You wondered what he was thinking of in this very moment.

"It's done" He says after a while.

He shows the portrait, and immediately, you see how unkept your hair looked. Then, how he deliberately emphasizes the creases of your cheeks when you smile and how he erased a portion in your eyes to make them appear as though it twinkled with light.

"You don't like it?" He says after noting your reaction.

"No, no, it's lovely" You answered. Though, you felt like it was too pretty, too idealized. Perhaps, he was seeing you in a manner you can't, for better or for worse, you don't know.

He nods, you can see his reluctance to ask what you thought, then you mentally slapped yourself for forgetting he can sense, and he definitely got what you'd been feeling.

The following afternoons went like that. You freely speaking your mind and him carefully sketching, listening.

For the first time, you don't feel like there is a need to escape your world anymore. You wake up, filled with stories you wanted to tell Anakin. Your heart would skip every time you hear the bells of the library door ring. Or when you'd catch Anakin so deep in focus, as if he was committing you to memory, and over time, his sketches of you became more honest, he'd sketch your insecurities with charming strokes, and you don't feel as though you have to hide them around him. He looks at you and sees art. It felt like the most comforting thing.

"But that was the test, he needed to trust that she'll walk behind him, he has to decide that it would be enough" You challenged his view one time you finished reading a tale of two lovers, Orpheus and Eurydice.

He has finished drawing and put down his journal to engage with your opinions.

"Can you really blame him? The Gods were playing with his doubts" He defends.

"Right, he did walk to hell for her" You considered.

"But isn't that what makes it so tragic— they could have made it out, they were so close" You grieved, because despite knowing the ending, you still hope that somehow, they'd find a way to crawl out of hell. Enduring love like that earns an ending that is deserved.

"Orpheus was only a man. He chose to look at her, one more time. He knew if he did, he'd lose her. And he did. It's a choice not of a lover, but of a poet" He concludes, and you thaw.

You'd still find yourself mesmerized by his mind. The way he sees things, the gentleness that comes, not because of the absence of violence, he knows too much of it in the war, but because despite the abundance, he remains tender.

You don't know when you started falling in love with Anakin. You only know that he'd be the story that'll last for your lifetime.

Anakin hands you the portrait. And you smiled at the expression he chose to immortalize. One of when you're almost brought to tears narrating how Eurydice was always behind Orpheus despite him never hearing her.

"I wish I looked this pretty when I cry" You commented, tracing over the lines of his sketch of you.

You felt Anakin tuck a loose strand of hair to your ear. He was looking at you with the same focus, the same wonder, same fascination.

You've grown so used to his gaze, it felt like you were communicating something that can't be expressed into words.

"If you see yourself the way I do now, you'd never doubt my sketches" He softly speaks.

"You're beautiful"

His words latched to your heart.

Anakin is the most dream-like of all; sometimes he feels like a mere character of a novel incarnated into an etheric being.

Anakin held your face, and in the heat of the moment, you pressed your lips against his.

You thought, if anyone else can feel how he makes you feel, they'd never doubt that true love exists.

The understanding you craved for— he gave you most ardently.

Saying 'I love you' came easy. Sometimes, you feel as though saying it would not suffice for how enormously you felt for him.

Your afternoons became late nights, and early mornings. Anakin would ask you to stop smiling, so he could draw you in honesty, but how could you not? You loved the way he'd be so immersed, so lost by gazing at you.

It was a bliss you've only known with Anakin.

But you watched how slowly, he was becoming more and more tense. You're not fighting the war the way he was, being a General, wielding a weapon at the front lines.

He'd rip away pages in frustration, and though you try to soothe the tension and pressure, you're afraid that this story will end in a tragedy.

All your favorite romances leave you feeling hollow towards the sad ending. And with Anakin, you keep being haunted by the thought that any moment might be the last.

What an odd plot to be involved in; loving and being deathly terrified of losing it.

You wrapped yourself in his robes— wishing the feeling to stop plaguing you. Anakin had been asleep, and you stood by the balcony, deep in thought.

You tuck your hands in your pockets, feeling your fingers grow cold by the crisp midnight air.

A piece of paper crumples, and you unfold the portrait.

It was the night you first shared yourself with Anakin. Your mind is flooded by the memory; how he made sure you felt comfortable, how he took every moment slowly like the world outside didn't matter.

You didn't know he drew you, or that he kept it in his pockets. It was strange— to see the picture he loved most was one where you were sleeping. You tuck the paper back inside and go back to bed.

He's gone most of the days now. But you can tell he's making the effort to stay awake when he'd come to your quarters.

"—Love is not an everlasting performance in which you have to attempt to keep your lover's attention. Rather, it's the release of insecurity to trust them to choose to stay, no matter what they see" You narrated softly, thinking Anakin had fallen asleep.

You planted a kiss on his forehead.

"I don't think I've heard this story before" He speaks up after a while.

"No, you haven't" You managed a wan smile. "I wrote it"

Anakin was looking at you the way he used to before. Your heart ached, but you proceeded. "I love you with what in me is unfinished, with what in me remains changing. By you, I am forever undone."

Anakin holds you tight.

"Do you think it'll have a happy ending?" You spoke nakedly.

"Not all stories end in tragedy, my love" He reassures.

You bit your lip "We'll have to conquer the fates, it's been written so many times, a cruel ending" You can't entirely let your fears go.

"Fate gave you to me"

"If by some twist, we end in tragedy, then I am happy to have loved you" He says.

You let out an exhale. There was the simple truth of it; that all things must go, even Anakin. And like him, you felt as though you were blessed to even share a portion of your life with him. Loving is never a waste, even just for the brief time you're allowed in one lifetime. You decided it would be enough for you.

In his arms, it felt like you're unravelling a story that may have a happy ending after all.

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stargirl-writes · 4 months

Text

safety net part two

pairing : force healer! jedi reader x anakin skywalker

word count : 1 k

masterlist | part one

summary

finding safety in a world deranged by war became a distant dream until your childhood friend, anakin skywalker, comes back to your life.

tags : angst, fluff, romance, friends-to-lovers

warnings : mentions of dressing a wound

notes

part two of this one but can be read as a stand alone !

also, i think it'd make sense if i say that as a demisexual, angst is my version of a smut haha!

Anakin would appear every Wednesday.

The clone war broke out and healing Anakin became more difficult. For every wound that you closed, another would appear.

By the fourth week of your treatment, his bionic arm was nearly finished. You've gone to extensive lengths to gather beskar alloy. Which worked out in the end, because Anakin's synthetic arm became a sort of shield.

There was absolutely no reason for him to keep coming to your med-bay station. You knew he could've easily submerged himself in a bacta tank, which he developed a deep hatred of, or used a stim, but he persists.

And you can't entirely find it in yourself to not welcome him.

Anakin was a part of your childhood that felt like how home always felt. Even if you can no longer identify with most parts of your past, Anakin was... well, it was nice having him around.

"I'm starting to get the idea you're hurting yourself to see me" You teased one late night when Anakin welcomed himself to your quarters.

He lets out a soft chuckle, shrugging his shoulders.

You step forward, hand finding a way to his cheek out of instinct.

Exhaustion. Warmth. Excitement.

You withdrew your hand, he was alright.

His gaze felt warm on your skin, you caught your eyes locked with his.

Your heart races and you step back, searching for something to occupy yourself with.

"I still don't get how you do that" Anakin's voice echoes from behind. You open the drawer of your closet to find your kit.

When you turned, Anakin was curiously stirring the pot of soup you were preparing.

"Do what?" You asked absentmindedly, laying out the cotton, the antiseptic, and the salve neatly on the table.

"You can tell how I'm feeling by touch?" Anakin searches the cupboards for the bowls and cutlery.

"I've been trained to" You answered, then gestured Anakin to sit down so you can dress his wound.

Anakin walked over and started taking off his robes. He winces under his breath. Recognizing his careful movements, you helped him unbutton his shirt.

A large blaster burn was marking the back of his shoulder to his collarbone.

"You should've gotten this checked by a med droid" You lectured, surveying the wound.

"Thought I could use gentler hands" He still delighted in himself.

You huffed a laugh. Then, you began cleaning the wound.

"I'm applying the salve now" You narrated what you were doing, a habit you developed after realizing Anakin does not like being surprised by the sensation.

He nods and you continue. Finally, you focused your intent on fully healing the wound. You closed your eyes, focusing on breathing at a steady pace. It had been a few moments before the skin was new again.

"Thank you" Anakin mutters, rolling his shoulder to feel the pain had gone away.

You stood up and turned the heat off the soup. Anakin pulls the chair and waits for you to sit. Once again, it was just you and Anakin sharing a table, isolated from everyone else. The way it always used to.

However, when morning comes, the reality of it dawns on you. You can only ever steal a few moments of safety with Anakin, but the truth is there'll always be a war.

On most days, it felt like the losses were unending. On most nights, Anakin would make time to hold you as you wept when the weight of it all felt too heavy.

You weren't really the person to cry in front of other people. But with Anakin, you fall to pieces. Perhaps, you were comforted by the fact that he won't judge you, even if some nights you'd utterly be inconsolable.

"We'll be alright" He'd promise.

Even the fact that you have Anakin Skywalker so definitely became a cause of fear.

Because there he'll always be. You know his eyes like they are your own. You can hear his laughter when he is not laughing. You can come to Anakin and there he'll always be.

What happens when he's not?

You hadn't even realized how much you were depending on Anakin. Because it was always about taking care of each other.

So it came unexpectedly.

One quiet evening Anakin insisted on staying the night.

And you let him in, holding the door wide open so he'd know he could leave anytime he wished.

"I didn't think I'd ever be this happy to be back on Coruscant" You sat on the edge of the bed. Taking a deep breath as you leave the tormenting memories of the day fade away with the light.

"I make you happy?" Anakin half turns with a boyish smile.

His resilience was something you admired. You were certain he was carrying an equal amount of grief. And yet, here he was. Brave and confident, so competent, so certain that he, too, has something to offer.

"Of course, you do," You said, to yourself or Anakin, but you couldn't decipher.

He was telling a story of how he started implementing this game with Ahsoka, a competition of some sort to revert her focus away from the truths of the war. His words blur as you stare and think to yourself, Oh.

He has that power over me now.

It felt like a surrender. In a world terrorized by a raging war, he built a home that made you feel safe.

He notices your silence and sits down next to you, his finger tracing the necklace he gave you, and you find yourself running yours through his hair.

"We're going to be fine," Anakin said. "It's okay, it's going to be alright," he said in a firmer tone.

He'd been there when you needed him to. So, he'd always reassure you.

"I'll always take care of you, you know what, right?"

"That's my line" You chuckled.

Anakin mirrors your smile. "Right, well, I mean it".

Your mind quiets, and you can't hold the pose of defiance when Anakin presses your head to his chest.

"Doesn't it get tiring? Fighting and fighting..." You trailed, voice barely above a whisper.

"It does." He answers. "But we have to, otherwise, it's like handing the galaxy in the hands of a cruel tyrant"

You turned your face upwards to hear more, and your nose touched his.

"Alright, chosen one" You teased his heroic remark.

He grimaces at the title. He still doesn't believe it to be true. And you'd never miss the opportunity to call him that.

"At least you're already chosen by someone" You looked up through your lashes.

Anakin shakes his head and his lips curl to the side. "Well, you're my chosen one"

did anyone catch the dramatic irony haha!

also! written this off the prompt [which i can't find anymore 😭] of people healing each other physically and emotionally by loving

#anakin (ciella's ver)#anakin skywalker #star wars #sw #anakin x reader #anakin x you #star wars anakin #anakin #anakin fanfiction #anakin skywalker fanfiction #anakin skywalker x female reader #anakin skywalker x you #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin skywalker imagine #sw anakin #anakin star wars #anakin angst

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stargirl-writes · 5 months

Text

heal

pairing : f! reader x anakin skywalker

word count : 3.5 k

masterlist | ao3 link

summary

in which anakin skywalker chooses to run away with you before all is lost in mustafar.

tags : au, angst!!, hurt/no comfort

warnings : toxic love, dark fic, ptsd, and reader being so dependent on anakin, suicidal behavior

notes : my reader character being a healer is my self indulgent insert 😭

i've sat w this 4 so long cause i was like 'realistically, what would happen if anakin ran away?' and i think i've finally made up my mind abt it.

time is moving fast for this fic because i wanted to cover so much, so heads up for the skips!

ALSO, ear-ringing apologist perspective. if u can't handle reader being blind to faults, this is not for u haha!

likes, comments, and reblogs are highly appreciated!

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

At least, it was something you want believed in.

The clone war that raged on revealed just how much people can be persuaded to do horrible things when their survival is at stake.

You underestimated that instinct yourself. The burning desperation to not lose your Anakin Skywalker. You thought, you would have killed for him, the way he would for you.

Obi-Wan Kenobi was the one to tell you how Anakin became irredeemable.

It was a blur how you flew to Mustafar despite it. You needed Anakin to admit to it, you needed to take him away from what he'll become.

The crimes he committed made you feel sick, septic like a festering wound.

But, whether you love what you love.

Or live in divided ceaseless revolt against it, what you love is your fate.

You've been so alone. So much so, you can only define a time with Anakin, and without him.

It was gradual. It couldn't have been some higher power that destined you to him, He had been a General of a war, and you, the Healer. It was all odds, that you fell in the right place at the wrong time.

An unwilling hero, and a glorified murderer.

He was crafted to be a tool in the war. Divinely created by the Force with the purpose of bringing balance. And in a war, that meant doing damage, killing.

Every victory he had was a stark contrast to yours.

Every life he takes, be it a droid or a separatist, is a win. And every life you lose is a name added to the long list of casualties.

You and Anakin were opposites.

So, the shock of it remains, because somehow along the way, Anakin loved you. And you loved him. You had each other to cling to.

The terror of What if it doesn't last, What if there's no one else? What happens if it goes back to being alone? persists.

And you might not belong anywhere else.

But you were his. As he is yours. Not in the manner of possession. Yours in the way of devotion.

Mine to tend to, mine to care for, mine to love.

You knew that Anakin's love was conditional. You were only the one in front of him. You didn't misunderstand. You let him use you anyway.

It's not like you were loving him unconditionally, it was because you were terrified to be lonely.

At least, in the beginning, you believed so.

Most days were occupied by your duties. And Anakin would love you in a way that is shaped like fingers wrapped around a throat. Incessant. Hungry. Teeth deep in possession. Making up for the little time, holding you against him as if he was bracing himself that someday you won't be around.

It felt like he was always saying goodbye.

So, though your heart was nearly breaking out of your ribs, you flew by yourself to Mustafar.

A pile of lifeless Separatist figures greeted you in horror.

It was true. Anakin had gone to the dark side. What he did with those children...

The fear consumed you like a corrosion, but still, you stood in front of him, begging him to come back.

Anakin had carried a deep malaise when you had found him. It was almost emanating from his blood-stained robe, a coldness, a deadly assurance.

"You're not supposed to be here," Anakin says in a strangled voice. His hands firmly holding your arms.

The color of his eyes startled you. It was like looking at a ghost, and all that was left was an unending rage. You fought to not let your fear swallow you.

"Anakin, we have to go" Your lips quivered, not entirely sure what you were planning.

There will never be escaping the things he's done.

You want him to go away with you, anyway.

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

For a while, it was quiet. Anakin's glossy blue eyes were gazing at you, in conflict, and begging to be understood.

"I can't... Don't you see? I've restored justice to the galaxy" He abruptly lets go, and turns, concealing his face away from your sight. "The things I've done... I can't, there's no running away from it"

The guilt he feels leads him to think that the only path now is through the one he sacrificed his morality for.

"No," you struggled, voice failing to hide your anguish. "Anakin, you can't let this be your fate. Run away with me." You pleaded, eyes filled with tears.

A life of loneliness. With no one, the way it used to.

Then, Anakin half turns. He surveys your willingness to take him as he is. Maybe, even wanting to believe it.

You have always loved Anakin, even the parts you have not understood.

Perhaps, this was the similarity that bound you together. Burning devotion. One that allows you to see past your moral code.

You gave so much to the war. You'd run yourself spent from the hours. You fought so hard to keep people from dying. You'd never taken anything but this. A chance at life. Away from it all.

"I would've done anything you asked of me" His voice reveals his devastation.

You stepped forward, "Then come with me, Leave it all behind, I need you"

You held your breath, half convinced that this may very much be the end of things.

But Anakin takes your hand, and you don't waste a minute more to take him away in your ship.

Your hands shook the entire time.

The galaxy was silent when the war ended.

Mace Windu's attempt to assassinate the Chancellor made the Jedi an enemy of the Empire.

It triggered an Order that made clone soldiers turn against their Generals. The Jedi are hunted down for treason.

You and Anakin will never find security again.

The atmosphere was thick with emotions that were strained by the abruptness of events. It was making it so much harder to breathe. To live with the truth of it.

All three years of the war are reduced to two moments; Anakin falling into Palpatine's manipulation, and Anakin choosing to run away with you.

You caught yourself slipping away. Tucked in a corner of your mind where you can feel safe.

The healer's oath replays in your mind, the cruelest reminder.

Blind to faults, blind to good. Serve to save, not to see.

As the jedi healer, you weren't allowed to deny patients. You wondered whether that played into role when you stomached all the horrible things Anakin did. Serve to save, despite, despite, despite...

You landed in a remote place on your home planet of Hapes.

It was a secluded cabin that you used to go to when you were younger. Surrounded by a lake that stretches as far as your eyes can see. It was the first thing that came to mind when you set your ship on autopilot.

Anakin was quiet the entire time.

You, too, became paralyzed by the events that has unraveled.

For a few days, it remained like that.

Though the event has passed, your body can't quite regulate.

It still feels as though someone will find you. And take Anakin with them. You knew your hypervigilance was a consequence of your trauma, but knowing doesn't mean you can let the feeling go.

Even Anakin responds to mild stressors as if he was still in the war. He'd not let you off his sight the first few weeks.

You felt as though Anakin was trying to process everything in his mind. And you grew terrified of his growing silence. Knowing Anakin meant knowing his tendencies to vacillate violently. The reality of what he had done would set and it'd twist into something septic. An unending shame.

You were convinced that he'd have killed himself from it.

But then he'd stare at you deeply as if he was committing you to memory. He'd coddle your face in his palm. He'd hold your hand, hands that are capable of so much rage, and so much tenderness. He'd hold you tight against him in bed, the way he used to.

He can't quite communicate it through words yet, so he'd rely on his touch to let you know that he was still here. Your anxieties eased after. He needed to detangle it on his own. You'd be there whenever he is ready.

Obi-Wan Kenobi appears the next month.

It was through luck that you were the one to open the door.

You knew Obi-Wan would want Anakin to answer for the crimes he's committed.

You won't let him.

"What do you want?" You say cautiously. Stepping forward to the Jedi Master to stop him from entering your new home.

Obi-wan furrows his eyebrows at your action. He gazes at you for a moment before speaking up. "You know what he's done, [Name]"

"The Republic has fallen. The system that replaced it won't hold him to what he's done. It's the very reason for its existence, anyway"

Obi-Wan's eyebrows flashed hearing your words. It seemed as though you'd be the last person he'd expect to exhibit such... heartlessness.

"And what, do you intend to keep him here forever?"

You looked down, fiending an expression of indifference you learnt from Anakin.

"I'm more selfish than he is"

Obi-Wan sighs. There were no more Jedi Council to hold Anakin accountable. You wonder if Obi-Wan had gone looking for him out of the responsibility he felt he had. You could use that.

"If you have any love left for Anakin, You'll leave him with me" You persuaded.

Obi-Wan sharply looks at you. You knew he was being torn apart by his mind and heart.

The door swings, revealing Anakin who appears behind you.

Anakin's arm extends to put you behind him. Obi-Wan was caught, stricken by the sight of his apprentice. You held on to Anakin's forearm.

You held your breath.

Then, Obi-Wan opens his arm to hug Anakin.

Anakin froze, perhaps not expecting his Master to embrace him after...

He turns his head to look at you, then back to his Master. And he reluctantly wraps his arm around Obi-Wan.

You exhaled finally.

You saw Obi-Wan's glossy eyes as he pulled away. He may not forgive Anakin for all the things he's responsible for, but his love for him surpasses all the anger he has.

Gaining his master's acceptance, Anakin became recognizable once more.

However, Obi-Wan could not stay. Perhaps, he's grown sick of stomaching the love he had for Anakin. It was not an easy feeling to be fond of.

When Obi-Wan left, Anakin finally came to you.

It hauntingly paralleled the moment he broke down after he lost his mother. After he gave in to his rage. Only this time, he didn't hold the pose of defiance and came undone, weeping for what he'd done.

You held him and told him that what matters now is what he'll choose to do.

And in the months that come, Anakin has fought to deserve your forgiveness.

He wanted to earn your love.

As a healer, your experience with foraging natural medicine made you more equipped to build a sustainable life. In six months, you were able to make this house by the lake a place to call home.

But, Anakin is being dragged through time. He'd do his best to help, but you can feel his... silence. The weight of it, this was not the life he was groomed to have. He has always lived off the adrenaline. The absence of it makes him constantly feel as though he is at the other end of the high.

It'd worry you whenever he comes home late from a hunt. He's always been reckless, that much hasn't changed. He'd come home covered in tissue deep cuts, bruised muscles, and a dead-pan look in his eyes. It was a topic that you tried to communicate— and a topic Anakin would respond defensively to.

"It's nothing" He'd dismiss whilst you were dressing the wound.

You'd press the clean gauze over his skin, on the brink of anxiety. He'd wince and take the gauze from your hand.

And you'd stand up and leave, because your patience would have run out by then.

It upset you how he always stands on a cliff to wait for the winds to swoon him over because he won't jump, he won't make that decision himself.

Your breaths were shallow as you tried to calm down after yelling about how his passivity over danger was eating at you. You needed him to try. Because you can't save him on your own.

"I'm sorry" Anakin looks down, receding. " I just don't know how to do this" He admits, eyes wide, childlike, helpless.

And you thaw, breaths shallow as you fought to not cry from the anger.

"Anakin, if you don't..." You began, looking down at the ground as if the words would appear before you there. "if you don't want this anymore, you can go"

Because the entire year you have spent in this cabin, it felt like time has frozen. You hoped that in time, you and Anakin would find the courage to move past the war. Of course, it was futile, you can never take back what you've given to the effort.

Whatever is left of you and Anakin is all there is now. And sometimes, it feels like there is nothing. Just ghosts of who you once were. You weren't sure if being with you was making any difference at all.

You were selfish, but not enough to keep him as he wastes away. You'd let him go, even if it'd cripple you forever.

Anakin grabs both of your shoulders firmly, forcing you to look up to him.

"Why do you think I came with you?" Anakin's voice was stern. His eyes fixed, determined to imprint words to your heart.

You held on to his arm, swallowing your anguish. "I only meant that if I'm not doing you any good, you should—"

"And where would I go?" He interrupts, unrelenting.

"I don't know" You admitted. You're ruining him. You've done this to him. You should let him go.

His grip loosened, and his lips kept opening and closing as if he was eating up the words before letting it leave his mouth.

"—I'm trying, [Name]"

"I'm giving you my life, I don't have anything larger to give" His voice breaks, and his head dips. "I'm trying" he repeats.

You felt his tears warm against your clavicle. Your fingers tangling with his hair.

"I know, Ani" You coo gently. "We'll try together" You promised.

It was becoming clearer that he was alleviating his sins by trying to kill the entity that once controlled him. It was also becoming harder to see a monster when all you see is Anakin, the love you abandoned everything for.

Anakin, who was sold as a slave, and then freed, only to be chained to another lifelong servitude through the Jedi. Anakin, who was dropped in the middle of a war, and made responsible for a child whilst being a child himself.

The Jedi Order relied on his nature of winning, despite not agreeing with his tactics. He'd be patronized for his violence, which his life would soon be defined by. Anakin's worst action is murder, the same way his best action is murder. Because if he doesn't answer to the shots fired, he'd be the one receiving them.

He was never afforded any space to become anything else.

Except when he's with you.

Anakin can become cruel, the same way he is loving. Two truths can exist at the same time.

And with the months that flew by, you watched as Anakin continually chose to not let his darkness define him.

You were learning things about him that you couldn't have had during the war. The way he neatly keeps inventory of his tools. The intense focus in his eyes when he is concentrating. The way the wood creaks— the cadence of his steps. All committed to memory because no one else can know him the way you do.

He told you, you saved him. And you wept, unsure whether what you did was really an act of selflessness.

Living with him became easier. No more effort to try to gain his love. No approval, no admiration to attain. There is no role to play, no one to convince. Just, being. There was so much time, and the only thing that mattered was; how long do we have each other?

Most days, Anakin would carry his grief so well, that you'd forget it was even there. He'd work to minimize it, to live with it. However, when the dark comes, he has no control over his dreams. and the overwhelming shame and guilt seep.

It had been two years when you woke up abruptly to find the space beside you empty.

You grabbed your robe, the cold midnight air felt crisp against your skin. Finding Anakin was easy. He'd always wander towards the edge of the lake, staring at the moons.

"It's cold, Ani, come back to sleep" You urged, but Anakin's gaze was far away.

He has chopped some of his hair, and it looked the way it used to during the war. It startles you sometimes to remember how young he still was.

"I had a dream" He speaks softly, arms finding a way to snake around you so he'd press you against him. "It felt as real as you now" His gaze lands on you.

It terrified you to ask, but you did anyway.

"We had a child"

Oh.

You chuckled in surprise. Stepping back to process what he said. It just never seemed to occur to you, then. Though you have never dismissed the idea, it just felt like you were barely surviving to try to raise a child.

Anakin smiles when he realizes he made you flustered. "Good thing it was only a dream?"

You let out a breathless laugh, somehow relieved that Anakin was not seriously considering it.

"Yes," You weren't ready. You may never find it in yourself to ever be ready.

"We're not bringing a child now, not like this"

Anakin's expression melts, "Yes, the empire is growing stronger" His guilt resurfaces.

"I never imagined it to be like this for us," He thinks out loud,

"We have to make the best of what we have" You sigh.

"I've been thinking" Anakin begins, "maybe, there is still something that can be done"

You try steadying your breath, somehow bracing yourself for this moment; when he'll want to fight again.

It was everything he was made for. You knew that, you just didn't think it'd be in under a short period.

Something was screaming inside you. A fear, that you thought had gone when you ran away with Anakin. It was telling you that you were going to lose him. And you, selfishly, want to stop him. He can't... if he goes, he'll die. And you can't even begin to imagine what'll happen to you if he dies.

"How?" You asked despite yourself.

"Ahsoka mentioned something about a rebellion," He says, voice thick with something he hasn't had before. Hope.

"The galaxy needs changing" He steps forward.

You shook your head, overcome by the anxiety of it. "Anakin, I'm never going back"

He turns on his heel, eyes narrowed at your proclamation. "I didn't ask you to come back"

You tilt your head, "Of course, you weren't" Though you knew you were being unfair, just the idea of it was sending stress already.

Anakin's eyebrows knit. "I'm only thinking out loud, it's one thing to consider it but another to act on it" He defends.

Though, you know this is where it begins. And you were responding defensively because you knew where it would lead.

Anakin will forever feel as though he has to restore the galaxy to how it was before he helped destroyed it. It won't be long until he'd despise himself for choosing to stay here with you. Especially since it's been drilled into him that he's supposed to be the one to bring balance to the force.

Whether he loves you or lives in a divided ceaseless revolt against it, what he chooses to love is your fate.

His purpose or you.

Going would give him his closure.

Going would anchor you to the hells of your biggest fear.

"Anakin, please don't go where I can't follow" Your voice broke, begging. It was selfish to want to keep him for the second time.

And you weren't sure whether your love would be enough for Anakin to stay.

Not when it only brought him here, a home by the lake, forever standing on thin ice that always threatened to break under.

You were living under the false pretense of security. All of this, the house, the lake, the isolation, are reminders that you and Anakin will never go back to normalcy, no matter how much you pretend.

A knife may dull, but its purpose remains to cut.

Anakin's expression softens and he presses his lips on the temples of your forehead.

You were slowly understanding that the entire galaxy's fate was carried inside Anakin Skywalker.

The chosen one.

Every decision he made was informed by that pressure. No matter how personal, it always builds to a path that he can't control, because it's already laid out for him.

Created by the force, to be used by the force.

So you can't find the heart to be angry when he left.

You decided it would be hopeless to try to stop him. Anakin has this view that everything in his life, he has to work to earn. To deserve.

Even this... freedom that you have.

He has to contribute to it, in this perverse grandiose action as to fight the Empire. So he can accept that you do indeed love him.

He has to seize this opportunity with Ahsoka. He is more autonomous of his power now. He is once again engaging in something that's risking his life. He can fulfill his destiny.

It didn't make it any less painful.

You had to inspire confidence in him, otherwise, he'd doubt. So, you pushed all your feelings away and smiled when you kissed him goodbye.

You never left the war. The two years you stole were only stalling the inevitable. Perhaps, two years was too generous.

"Bring him back, please" You took Ahsoka aside. Ahsoka nods uncommitedly. For, she won't promise what she can't deliver.

And once again, you have found yourself alone.

He swore he'd have done anything for you.

Just not this one.

His belief that he has no inherent right to life; and has to work to earn anything made you feel as though you were his... prize. A trophy. In which he'd fight for to retain but not value enough to take care of.

He should've stayed. It's good he left.

Because now that you have nothing, you're finally able to detangle how Anakin doesn't love you. Not in the way you thought. Anakin loves that he has you.

You have always put his wellness first, that now, when you are not so worried by walking carefully around his hurt, you are able to feel yours.

Perhaps, losing Anakin was good. You can finally put yourself first. Whilst he still seeks answers in the past

There is no going back to the way it was. You tried living 'normally' and it just became a bitter reminder that you are forever changed.

Acceptance of that and lending yourself a little more compassion might just be the beginning of your healing.

footnote

i'm obsessed with the writing style where authors strikes through the text ! it's such a smart way to imply that the character that's narrating is choosing not to allow those thoughts and so it looks like it's been scribbled out .

also, quoting ka applegate on relationships not lasting outside the war :

"wars don't end happily. not ever. often relationships that were central during war, dissolve during peace. some people who were brave and fearless in a war are unable to handle peace, feel disconnected and confused. "

#anakin skywalker #anakin (ciella's ver)#star wars #sw #anakin x reader #anakin x you #star wars anakin #anakin #anakin fanfiction #anakin skywalker fanfiction #anakin star wars #anakin skywalker fic #fanfic #anakin skywalker x you #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin skywalker x female reader

210 notes · View notes

stargirl-writes · 4 months

Text

safety net

pairing : force healer! jedi x anakin skywalker

word count : 1.2 k

masterlist | part two

summary

finding safety in a world deranged by war became a distant dream until your childhood friend, anakin skywalker, comes back to your life.

tags : fluff, comfort, friends-to-lovers.

warnings : mentions of surgical procedure/blood.

notes

happy holidays to everyone that celebrates !

as a present, here's some warm fluff that's been sitting in the drafts i wanna share with y'all 🤍

It began when Obi-Wan Kenobi, asked you to heal Anakin Skywalker.

The Jedi Master felt as though it was his responsibility to find the most competent healer in the galaxy after his Padawan lost an arm in a fight against Count Dooku.

And you didn't hesitate taking in the job the Jedi Council has entrusted you with. It was the most flattering, especially since you will be in charge of the care of their 'chosen one'.

You had just finished your apprenticeship in force healing, so you were determined not to let down the Council and the honor they bestowed.

"[Name]? You've grown" Anakin blinks when he realizes it was you. By the way he was smiling ear-to-ear, you realize he had been languid from the blood loss.

You were younglings together. The Jedi Masters had not fallen short in reminding Anakin that he was supposed to be the chosen one. That title, was not only known to him, but to all else.

It isolated him. As you had been. Your natural connection to healing made the Masters want to develop your skills outside the standard curricula.

Anakin was the one you sat with when no one wanted to. It was you and Anakin until you had to leave to pursue learning about healing through other force wielders.

"Yes, Anakin, I'm in charge of your care now" You answered, raising the syringe to his sight so he'd anticipate the injection.

"If it takes losing an arm to have you back, I'd have done it again" Anakin says thru half-lidded eyes.

The sedative was quickly taking its effect and you couldn't dare to look up at Obi-Wan.

"Well, at least one of us is happy about this" You answered.

Remembering your bedside manners, you proceeded with the protocol.

Send the patient to sleep.

Don't appear doubtful.

Don't make promises.

"Is there a color you'd want for your new arm?" You forced your voice to remain calm as you redirect his attention to the question. Both your hands are applying pressure on his severed arm to reduce the blood spilling.

Obi-Wan was pale with worry. You nodded to him hoping that he'd be reassured his apprentice would be fine. He looked like he'd pass out before Anakin.

Anakin leans back on the stretcher, the thought keeping him focused and away from the pain that was being dulled by the sedative.

"Definitely not gold— C3PO will never let it go" His nose scrunched, grimacing at the thought.

You let out a chuckle at his comment. "Alright, not gold"

The Med-Droid had finished preparing the materials and when you turn back your focus to the Jedi, he was already asleep.

You worked efficiently. Time was of paramount importance. The Jedi teachings hypothesized on midi-chlorians being stored in the blood, so you prioritized stopping the bleeding.

The lightsaber cut cauterized the tissues and vessels, making his blood coagulate and turn toxic. To your advantage, you were able to utilize both medical practice and force healing to fully save the nerves.

You can still make him a bionic arm that would be sensate.

By the time you were finished, the design you sent to bioengineering came. A silver arm with hints of red.

It still looked more skeletal than realistic. But that's only because you wanted to improve on it later. This was only a prototype.

Your hand coddles his cheek— this was the fastest way to sense how he'd been feeling.

His signature appears to you as a series of words.

Conflicted. In a state of stasis. Scared.

You took your hand back, deciding not to pry more into what he was keeping.

Hours flew and you found yourself in a loop debating whether electric signals in the nerves could fire using zillo skin. It would be the toughest replacement for skin, but it's not capable of transmitting signals for sensation.

Your mind was beginning to numb from the mental exhaustion. Your curious gaze lands on Anakin's bare torso. He was still unconscious.

You would have done your research in your quarters, but you wanted to be here when he wakes.

Your mind started drifting and you followed his breathing.

How is it possible for his skin to hug so tight against his muscles?

You blinked, startled by the thought that crossed your mind. Perhaps it was time to sleep...

"Eyes are up here" Anakin says in a singsong voice.

You look up through your lashes, cheeks firing up from the embarrassment.

He chuckles, then his attention lands on his bionic arm.

"How are you feeling?" You stood up, grabbing the charts and taking note of his vital signs displayed on the monitors. You pressed on the recline and Anakin sits up along with the bed.

"Mmmhungry?" He rubs his eye.

"I'll have someone bring something" You smiled. "Can I?" You asked before touching his bionic arm.

He nods and you continued. "Can you open your fist?" You asked, holding the bionic arm, guiding gently.

Anakin's eyebrows furrowed in focus. The arm abruptly closes. "What happened?"

"That's fine, your mind is adapting to sending nerve signals to the synthetic ones." You explained, your fingers unclenching his fist.

Anakin tries again and his fingers opens up in a more controlled manner.

You let out a breath of relief when you realized you have managed to save all those tiny nerves.

"Alright, now tell me how much you can feel" You instructed, running the tip of your pointer finger against his palm, you look up to see him already looking at you.

Focus.

Anakin was not at all subtle. It made butterflies run down your stomach.

"I can feel you, but I can't tell how much pressure your applying" He answers.

You nodded, noting it down.

Now, you need to test the receptors for heat.

Oh, by the force, why must he look at me like that.

You centered yourself on the task in front. You pressed the back of your hand against his palm. "And how does my skin feel? Can you tell if it's warm?"

Your heart was thundering inside your ribs, you were kind of scared that Anakin will hear how nervous he was making you feel.

Anakin tilts his chin, as if he was really trying to feel. "No, I can't feel the heat" He clasps his fingers against your palm as if testing more.

Of course, you couldn't have healed everything. "Alright" You withdrew.

"This is only a prototype, I'll improve its design after we do some more tests" You stood up, trying to establish some space between you and your old friend.

Anakin leans back after noting your action. "Thank you, [Name]" He kept his eyes fixed on you, as if he was still waking up from a dream.

You managed a smile. "I got you"

His eyes lingered on yours, you could not find it in yourself to look away.

A soft knock on the door snapped you awake.

"Well, don't you look well" Obi Wan comments with a wide smile

"Something's different" He crosses his arms, as if trying to figure out what it was that changed.

"Dooku really got you with that scar" Obi Wan nods his head as he waves a hand tracing the scar on his apprentice's face.

You couldn't hold back a laugh in surprise.

"I lost an arm" Anakin squeezes his eyes close.

"Come, no reason for me to be rude now." Obi-Wan winks at you. "But since you brought it up, how are you feeling?" He steps forward to Anakin's bed.

You leave the two to catch up on their own.

of course i'd seperate the angst on the next part so if you want more of that, head to the next one haha!

#anakin (ciella's ver)#anakin skywalker #star wars #sw #anakin x reader #anakin x you #star wars anakin #anakin #anakin fanfiction #anakin skywalker fanfiction #anakin star wars #anakin fluff #anakin imagine #anakin skywalker fic #anakin skywalker x you #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin skywalker imagine

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stargirl-writes · 6 months

Text

devotion

pairing : f! reader x anakin skywalker

word count : 1.3k

masterlist | ao3 link

summary

when you decided to sleep with anakin skywalker, you have set an arrangement to keep it purely physical. but it was getting harder to repress that you've fallen for him. and tonight, you aren't sure if you can keep seeing him in like this anymore.

tags : angst, hurt/no comfort, pining.

warnings : !mature content! (implication of sexual themes, but not discussed) and drinking. kind of a cliffhanger (i'm debating whether i should make another part still)

notes : hello lovely people, i'm currently hyperfixiating on media referring/relating love to faith and cannibalism (as smone with religious trauma haha!) so here's my tiny drabble on that, i hope ya like it 🪽

likes, comments, and reblogs are highly appreciated!

Corruption begins at the mouth. To consume the flesh— the wanting. The thought of being ready to devote entirely. And to be devoured with the same intensity.

So when you agreed to have sex with Anakin Skywalker, you convinced yourself it was purely physical. The attraction has always been there, one of you is bound to break, and to your favor, Anakin had been the one to come to your quarters.

But it doesn't matter. Whatever you feel is overcome by your fear of intimacy. You can satiate the physical sensations without ever needing to commit.

He wanted you. And you wanted him — in the same manner. Purely physical, that was the arrangement you set.

The days are most exhausting but you can give into the relief of coming apart by Anakin's touch, and his hungry kisses, and his deep thrusts. You'd forget the stresses of the galaxies. You'd allow him to hold you, without him knowing that no one has ever stood to your soul as he does when his eyes fix on you at the edge of your climax.

And Anakin would fuck like you were the most beautiful thing he'd got his hands on. He becomes greedy, he'd become the closest thing to intimacy you can define.

It never mattered how you felt before.

He always made sure to have you feel good first, and you'd always make him crumble by your touch after.

It was a mutual exchange.

There's no need to complicate such a clear line by confusing his kisses as something romantic.

You knew he was carnivorous about love— he'd want to be teeth deep in possession. He could love you, if you let him, you could become his God.

And that terrified you more than your fear of intimacy.

You stood up from the sheets, legs still trembling.

Despite the moments earlier, you wrapped your robe around your body, feeling exposed.

You know Anakin would never stay after. It was good that he didn't. At least, then you can reestablish some space after such a binding ritual of fucking and vows that leave his lips in the heat of the moment.

You sat down by the chair away from your bed, pouring yourself a drink. It was a vice you developed during the war. One you can't entirely quit because it sends you straight to sleep.

Anakin was steadying his breath. You heard him shuffling, as if he too was trying to come down from the high.

You downed your drink and poured another. Begging for that warm buzz to come over quickly so you'd stop feeling so... excessively.

Through the mirror, you saw Anakin put back his garments— his hair stubbornly a mess.

You take your gaze away from lingering on his bare torso. Or his sharp jaw. Or his tight back.

You drank your shot once more.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" Anakin says, his profile the only thing you could make out from the reflection.

Your heart aches, torn between wanting to say yes, i'll see you tomorrow, please come find me tomorrow, hold me tomorrow, and no, i can't keep doing this tomorrow, i don't want to see you tomorrow.

You cannot admit that you knew loving would destroy you. if he comes tomorrow, you fear you'd break and finally tell him. But then again, if you refuse, he'll know how you felt.

The stage is finally set; for you and Anakin to dance and circle around waiting to be consumed by one another.

Possession is cruel, it corrupts. You thought, with all the love you have— you could eat him whole.

You don't speak, Anakin steps forward, standing very close to your back.

The heat of his body emanates to your robes— casting imprints on the fibers of your soul.

You saw Anakin's gaze land on the drink you were having. He never did like how you turn to alcohol for some sort of relief.

"Did you not want me to come tomorrow?" He insists after noticing your silence.

Your lips purse, "No"

He tilts his head, lost by what you meant.

"No— no, you can, if you want to" you clarified, unsure how committed you were to your own words.

You downed the rest of your drink— feeling the familiar haze of its effect.

"Then what's bothering you?" Anakin speaks softly, you hated how much you didn't want to ruin this.

You sigh, shaking your head "Nothing"

"Nothing at all"

Anakin kneels down, wanting to see your eyes. His eyes were dark, intent, you wondered what they'd look like if he fell in love.

"Did I—" He begins, Your eyebrows furrow at the concern coating his voice.

"Did I hurt you? Did I do something?"

You pressed your palm against his cheek, forcing him to look up. "No, Anakin"

Under your touch, he looked like everything you asked for. Underneath your sinful fingers, he becomes something you could worship.

You caught yourself dreaming and withdrew your hand, taking the glass of alcohol instead.

You could feel his eyes burn at your skin watching you drink.

"I'll see you tomorrow" You dismissed, standing up, trying to establish some space, so you can stop being so encased by his warmth, or his eyes, or his hair, or his hold on you he was so blissfully unaware of.

Your head spun, you fought through the blurriness.

You found yourself at the balcony instead, a breath of fresh air would do you good.

You waited to hear your door lock— held your breath til he left.

But he stays.

"You know, you really should stop depending on alcohol" Anakin appears next to you.

You ran your finger to the rim of your drink, huffing a breathless laugh.

"It's the only thing that comforts me nowadays" You sigh, not intending the double entendre.

Besides, you doubt he'll interpret your attraction to him as anything else.

The silence hung once more. The cold of the midnight air felt crisp against your bare legs, so you hugged your robe against your skin.

"I worry about you" Anakin's voice was husky, exhausted. "We used to be able to talk about everything before"

Your heart tinges in guilt. Along the way, you somehow have pushed him farther away by denying how you felt.

"I'm sorry, I've just been trying to figure out some things"

You're doing it because of love. And for love, you disappear.

"Well, come to me. You know you can always come to me, whenever you need me." Anakin stresses.

You look up, biting your tongue. Begging to stay in one piece.

If you offer yourself— it'd be the most selfish thing you'll do.

You'll be mine. You thought as you get lost in his eyes.

Burning devotion. For all eternity.

"Anakin, we can't keep doing this anymore" You said finally, submitting to your truth.

Anakin's eyes furrow in focus. "Doing what?"

You frown, trying to explain something incommunable.

You've always felt ashamed for wanting. For taking. It wasn't a virtue, it was a disguise. Because you can't love without giving yourself entirely, bones and all. Ravenous, intense, unforgiving devotion.

Because isn't bite also a form of touch?

Finally, Anakin seems to understand the expression painted on your face. You held your breath, bracing for his reaction.

"You wanted this" He reminds. The sterness of his voice made you flinch. It felt like the cruelest rejection.

"I know"

"You said clear lines. No attachments"

"I know" You felt like you were being caught in the act of doing something forbidden.

Anakin's expression hardens, seeming to process your admission.

Your tears were threatening to fall, but you refused to let them. You didn't want him to feel sorry you felt that way. You didn't want him to know how far you've pathetically fallen for him.

He turns to his heel and your heart breaks.

The tear finally leaks your left eye, as your hand reaches out, just enough to grip on the end of his robe.

"Stay"

part ii?

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stargirl-writes · 5 months

Text

devotion pt ii

pairing : f! reader x anakin skywalker word count : 1.7k masterlist | ao3 link

summary

this is a second part! check out the first one here! when you decided to sleep with anakin skywalker, you have set an arrangement to keep it purely physical. but it was getting harder to repress that you've fallen for him. and tonight, you aren't sure if you can keep seeing him in like this anymore.

tags : angst, hurt/comfort, pining

warnings : violence and blood

notes : ethel cain, you're held responsible for my obsession with relating everything to my religious trauma.

likes, comments, and reblogs are highly appreciated !

"Stay" The words were so strangled, they were no more than a whisper. A plead.

Anakin's eyes fixed on yours. Rage, terror, fright, they seem to be exhibiting all at the same time.

Your fingers felt cold. Every second he remains silent, the more your chest caves in. You can't breathe. A hollow was forming inside you, like a vacuum, and you were beginning to feel yourself succumbing to it.

After what seemed like an eternity, Anakin looked away, as if he could not trust his gaze to keep his shame hidden. You can't detect a trace of triumph in him. Instead, his force signature deeply emanated an unending sort of defeat.

When he left, you were left asunder. Heart ripped away from your ribcage. A bleeding lip because of the teeth that kept biting from all the hunger. A walking being defined by her rotten desires.

It felt like you scattered in a million pieces with no hopes of ever becoming whole again.

Perhaps this was your atonement.

You have sinned the very first moment you have thought you could have Anakin Skywalker. When you thought you could defy fates and take someone for your own. When you let yourself fall for your appetite of flesh.

It was horrific. To want to tell Anakin, come closer, without the curtain of skin and bones between.

He'll never be yours.

All that devotion, twists and repulses you, for it makes you violent.

And right now, you don't have the capacity to channel it. So it implodes. All the love you are wretchedly overpouring with, transforming into something corrosive in your blood.

Your days merged into this blur of emptiness and rage.

For the first time in a while, you have found yourself at the threshold of a church, praying to the Maker, himself. Your faith had always been to yourself. But now, at the feet of the altar, you begged the Maker for an explanation. To have him carry the weight, to make it feel less heavy, to make him forgive all you've become because you no longer can.

Anakin had been your greatest sin.

He was temptation incarnated into being.

Even your Jedi training reinforces detachment because being bound by possession is the most corrupting thing. One should only learn how to submit to non-submission.

You did not see Anakin for weeks until you've been recalled by the Council to a mission together.

You could not look him in the eye. The voice in your brain was shaming you constantly.

However, every fiber of your being was pulling you to him. Something intangible, magnetic.

On the way to your mission, you pondered on the question that kept haunting you: Why?

You knew Anakin was not free of the same burdens you carry.

He has quite a large display over his attachment to materials. His quarters are decorated with things that hold no monetary value, but remain sentimental to him. Every choice he makes is informed by the fact that he was once a slave.

You remembered he once told you that he thought he'd been too old to join the Jedi. That he thought, it was too late because he already had held attachments. To his mother, to his creations. To you.

You thought it all was intensified by his past. He had been someone else's possession before. And now that he had been allowed, he is free to keep things of sentiment. And he'd hoard them all with a ravenous grip.

So, the question remains; why?

Why would he not give in to love when you both knew he would have abandoned the Jedi order for you? He once drunkenly said so, anyway.

You could almost laugh at how pathetic your ideal image of happiness was. To be somebody's property. To be Anakin's.

You did not miss how Anakin deliberately placed you on a station far away from the frontlines. Or how he used his authority to order clone soldiers around you.

You could not even channel the energy to be angry at the implication. You were capable. You can handle yourself, so it was unclear what he meant by this action.

Despite Anakin being the embodiment of the force itself, he can never escape his mother's blood. His humanness. It manifests in small innocuous ways. Like how his fingers twitched before he left. He was scared. It took every ounce of dignity to not come after him.

He's clearly pushing you away.

Wielding your lightsaber felt easier. Now, your anger can channel itself one droid at a time. You cleared your station, and you pressed on your holo comm to check on Anakin.

Then— you felt it.

A violent thrash, refusing to be left unacknowledged.

The force. Anakin. But it had been more than that: a connection, an invisible hand trying to reach out, a bond that lacks words to describe.

The urgency of it made you feel nauseated. Without a second thought, you ran to Anakin's station. Disappearing into the rapid beat of your heart and the agony that envelops it.

Your agony transforms into action the moment you see Anakin standing by himself against a platoon of droids. You wanted to be angry, he should've left with more clones. It was like he was asking for death.

But you pushed all feelings aside as you sprinted beside him, barely deflecting the blaster shots.

"[Name]!" Anakin alerts you.

You swiftly turned on your heel to deflect what was out of your range.

His expression was that of a deadly assurance. Using the force, he grabs the commando droid that fired at you. It slices through his lightsaber.

But in that moment, that brief second he focused on you, a blaster shot hits his arm.

You feel your blood drop, and a surge of adrenaline propels you forward.

Anakin's dominant hand was hit. And he extends his unharmed one to push you behind him.

Your vision was beginning to blur from tears. The panic seemed to seep in.

But in a moment of hopelessness, all the droids have fallen, sliced neatly in half. The speed of the saber becoming faster than its light.

You stood in shock, barely registering what happened. Anakin had used the force to drive his lightsaber against the platoon. Your breaths shudder, and you are only grounded back to reality when Anakin falls to his knees.

Now that the energy from the adrenaline has depleted, you feel as though you are falling into pits of the void forming inside you.

You wrapped your arm around Anakin, "What were you thinking?!" You gasped, panicking over the sight of blood running down his arm.

You heard clone soldiers march nearer.

You called for them to have the med kit ready. Anakin's palm presses on your cheeks, forcing you to look at him. "Tell me you're alright. I need to know you're okay"

His eyes were hooded. You suspected he was becoming languid from the blood loss.

Recognizing the fear in his eyes, you forced a smile "Yes, I'm alright, it's over Anakin" You try to contain your panic.

Anakin nods, then he winces, then he closes his eyes.

You did not leave his side for one second. Soon, you were back at the med-bay. Anakin sustained an injury, but luckily, nothing lethal. If he did...

You felt your own exhaustion tell you to lie down and rest, but you would not leave Anakin's bedside.

That fear you felt when you saw Anakin facing such a large platoon of droids. He could've died. You can't even begin to think what it would be like if he did.

Then, it finally clicked.

The reason Anakin keeps denying you. The reason he was so adamant in keeping you away from danger.

His past keeps bleeding into the present. He feared losing his mother, more than anything. She was the most valued attachment Anakin had. And he lost her. He's never stopped blaming himself for that. He was scared to lose someone again. He won't lose you too.

When he wakes, your anger dissolves.

You held his hand.

No matter how long you have known him, there'll always be a part of him he'll hide from you. And now that you understand the root of his fear, you'll not hold back from touching him.

This is as close to the intimacy as you can have.

Anakin's expression softens. He moves his hand to caress your cheek. This, this was familiar.

"I'm sorry" His eyes were glistening with tears.

Your breath caught. You trembled lightly.

"It's not that I don't love you, [Name]" His voice broke, and you thaw.

"I just can't... I can't do this again. I can't care for you. If I lose you, I can't take it... I won't" His voice trails as he becomes more incoherent.

You stood up and held Anakin near your heart.

It felt like the Force itself was trying to punish you both for loving.

"I'm right here, Anakin" was all you could manage.

You did not let go until he was ready.

Your faith was shaken. Some small part of you was still reprimanding you for loving Anakin so ravenously. But a larger force was commanding you Love him. Love him! And let him love you. Do you think anything under the heavens matters?

You'd lay your heart to Anakin. Blank, new. You'd let him write on it as he wishes, he's the only one you ever will.

"You don't have to fear anymore, because we'll be alright" You tried your best to ease his fear.

He looks up as if he wants to believe in it too.

"Come here" he would say, his arms open wide. Defying his fear, allowing love.

You'd already abandoned everything you've known. Anakin was offering himself up on a golden platter. There's nothing left but to open, ravage, eat.

"Stay" he would beg. And you would smile, and I would stay.

I would stay.

footnote

i was really drabbling about how anakin's enslavement as a child somehow affects how he approaches relationships and let me tell you that i was SHATTERED throughout trying to detangle it. it also reminded me of jude st. francis from 'a little life' because jude was an orphan in a monastery, and he was never afforded any possessions, so he would 'steal' inanimate objects just to call them his own. (poor baby🥹)

i also spiralled into this theory of subject-object relation. where it states that we (the subject) tend to perceive things(the object) as possession.

hence the reason, sometimes, lovers feel alienated. because the other sees the other as of service to them (effectively reducing them to an object). so in conclusion, true love is not real (it might be, i'm running on 4 hrs of sleep writing this haha!)

#anakin skywalker #anakin (ciella's ver)#star wars #sw #anakin x reader #anakin x you #star wars anakin #anakin #anakin fanfiction #anakin skywalker fanfiction #anakin skywalker x female reader #anakin skywalker fic #anakin skywalker x you #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin star wars #anakin skywalker imagine #anakin imagine #anakin angst #Spotify

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stargirl-writes · 3 months

Text

coming back home.

₊˚ପ⊹ 1.4 k | masterlist | fluff / light angst. | no warnings apply.

a certain sadness envelopes your heart as you are going back home after sneaking the night away with anakin skywalker. but as the end comes so close, something inside you rekindles. a new spark of hope.

To be made in flesh was a humiliation

To be limited, by a body that exhausts. For there are so many things you still want to do. But this body tires despite your revolt against it.

As your gaze travels to the deep blue of the Coruscant skies, you feel little. You can zoom into space and travel to the ever-expanding galaxy. You can go to stars in an arms reach. But still, you are reminded of your humanness. The cosmic horror of feeling like a grain of sand on a beach.

And even if you have scanned the galaxy, the fear lingers.

What’s my place in all this?

Where do you belong? If you can scatter yourself to atoms across the stars, will there be any place to keep you whole?

You let out a deep exhale, pushing these thoughts back as they lead to a path you don’t want to venture right now.

Not when Anakin was right here, to your right, one hand on the wheel of the airspeeder and another laced with your fingers.

He was not wearing his usual Jedi attire. A loose tunic replaced his everyday clothes. An unassuming outfit that one might mistake him as an everyday laborer for. It was a disguise so you both could roam around the lower levels of Coruscant without the attention.

Only the scar tracing his temple down to his cheekbone would indicate he’d been a soldier. That he’d been fighting the war at the front lines. But despite that, you were able to sneak to Uhmandasee Market, a place that even the more cultured among Coruscant’s surface dwellers would brave for a more authentic culinary experience.

Stripped away from your usual uniforms and duties, you finally had the space to simply be and enjoy each other’s company.

The faded neon lights blur as Anakin drives back up to the surface. This was the most pleasant evening you have had since the year began. You didn’t want to go back to the temple, back to your responsibilities. Not yet.

“Anakin,” You called.

“Hm?” He tilts his chin, his eyes still fixed on the traffic.

There was an ease in his expression. One that was so hard to see these days.

“I don’t want to go back yet”

His lips turned to a soft smile. "Let’s drive around” He lifts your entangled arms and plants a kiss to your palm.

Yes. A little more time. Just this once.

The cool city air was brushing from his face. His stance, which was trained to always be upright, slumped back lazily. His breaths were even as if they unraveled and never would tighten again. In the gleaming lights of the city, Anakin looked so right, so in place. The war carved an unending sort of fear in him. It was written in his eyes. The way he’d look at you as if he was memorizing. As if he could lose you anytime.

You want to be able to tell Anakin that it’d be alright. That there will be an after.

There should be, the universe isn’t that cruel to not give you an ending you have earned.

But how can you ease his fears when they are mostly rooted in losing you?

You promised him that you’ll always come back to him. That seemed to be enough to calm the dark thoughts in his mind. Because when all of this is done, you could just be.

No longer knowing glances across the room.

No more assuming the Jedi formality in a room full of people.

No longer trying to hide.

No more trying to gather all your discipline to fight the urge to wrap your arms around him whenever you get to see him.

No more wondering where your place had been because it had always been with him.

If you truly have gone past the point of no return and scattered yourself in atoms across the stars, one thing remains true. That they’d only whisper his name. Because, you can become endless. None more of that human limitation.

You felt something from within rekindle.

A spark of hope.

Hope required so much destruction. Of holding yourself in your arms, bracing for the better, of expecting it’d turn out well when the possibility of the latter truth is heartbreaking.

It takes so much courage. And with this war already requiring every bit of it, you thought, you’d run yourself spent.

Seeming to flush in the momentary ripple in the force, Anakin says, “Obi-Wan was dispatched to Utapau to deal with Grievous today”

You look up, smiling. The end was so near. Maybe that’s why you were scared. Because the air itself has shifted with it. You can almost see the after painting in your brain.

“We can go. Run away, leave this all behind”

“Yes,” You delighted in the fantasy.

But there was an agony that blanketed your mind. And Anakin did not miss it too. You tear your gaze away, cursing the force for having him memorize you so that he can recognize every shift in your emotions.

“What is it?”

“Nothing. The war is ending. You’re right, we could go.” Your heart lodged into your throat.

But he remains unconvinced. It took him one look to stir the speeder upward, away from the designated lanes, closer to the stars. Reverting all his attention to you.

“What is it, angel?” He repeats, voice a lot more inviting urging you to say what's on your mind.

You shyly look up, ashamed to be feeling so solemn. “No, really, I am happy that this is all ending…” You trailed, not wanting to ruin this night.

But he looks at you, listening and waiting for you to continue.

“I just can’t help but think of the years we’ve lost. What we should have done with it.” You revealed the causes of your regrets.

“I don’t know. I just can’t stop thinking about it” You added, trying to dilute the sadness.

His palms find a way to cup your face. His fingers pressing softly against the thin skin of your neck.

“We can never take it back, I know, maybe in another lifetime” You managed a wan smile.

Then his head dips, chuckling at your last remark. “Why not in this one?”

You can’t help but mirror the smile plastered on his face.

“You’re such a geek” You giggled, retreating to your seat.

“No, I’m serious. We can still make all of this worthwhile” He claims, gaze now falling to the Coruscant skies.

“Well, I’ve always wanted to see the outside of this galaxy. What lies beyond” The thought of having all the time after it cheered you up.

“I was thinking to go back to Uhmandasee”

You chuckled, never having considered exploring this galaxy first. “Of course.”

Perhaps, when that near future comes, you’ll finally be able to. Even with your human limitations. A lifetime of searching the stars doesn’t sound so bad, after all.

Gold wrapped the surface of Coruscant as dawn came. Like you had anticipated, the Jedi Council has already assigned you to your final missions.

You woke up with this renewed view. A promise of tomorrow. Your heart no longer lodged with every step you take.

Just one more.

"I hope you don't mind, I just wanted to look at you a little longer" Anakin tucks you in a corner.

Your ship waited by the hanger, the hatch already wide open.

You smiled up, trying to inspire some hope "You'll have all the time when I come home"

His eyes flickered. Then he purses his lips. A second of doubt, then he blinks, as if awakened from some dream. It was like the roles switched and now he was the one riddled with fear. Your fingers tangled in his hair, giving him a final look before stepping back. You were ready to finish this mission.

An arm clasps around yours before you could step inside your ship.

"Come back to me" He says with a longing look. It was like he was pleading you to stay. But he knows you can't so he'd settle for the promise of you coming back.

"I'll always come back to you" You repeated the vow you have always said before departing.

He nods, gently letting go.

As your ship enters the atmosphere and into hyperspace. You wondered whether you should've read into that look in his eyes.

There was something he was trying to communicate. One that you may have missed as you flush with a newfound excitement. Because that wasn't a goodbye. Not to you, anyway.

love love love doomed by the narrative characters.

and yes, reader will never find her way back to the only place she thought she belongs to because anakin will turn to vader haha!

[but you can always reject the canon, why not]

#anakin (ciella's ver)#anakin skywalker #star wars #sw #anakin x reader #anakin x you #star wars anakin #anakin #anakin fanfiction #anakin skywalker fanfiction

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stargirl-writes · 3 months

Text

aftermath

padme amidala x anakin/vader

angst, rated m for some dark themes. [ptsd, dissociation]

where in padmé amidala chooses to live for her twins.

literally started writing this drabble bc of this art ! not proofread! just word-vomitted these so if the plot is incoherent, no it isn't!

perhaps, this story would've ended along with anakin dying on mustafar.

not long after, padmé amidala delivered her child, well children. luke and leia.

despite the blinding pain of childbirth and her breaking heart, padmé's resolve was strong.

she needs to live for her children.

the moment her children were born, all connections she felt with the force severs.

the detachment made her feel blind, she hasn't even noticed how much she relied on that invisible string that without it she feels lost.

but looking in the eyes of both her children, she knew she needed to stand strong.

padmé was decisive, reacting with every situation in her life with a well-thought action.

her years being queen has trained her to always act now, feel later.

so, it was a blur, how shortly after giving birth, she was able to contact senator bail organa and the queen to ask for refuge.

naboo wasn't even an option. it felt like she'd regress into a place she can't relate to.

every memory she had with her loved ones, with anakin, all stained with bitterness and some sort of hurt.

especially now that the republic was overthrown by an empire led by palpatine. naboo would be the first place they'd go looking for her.

bail organa offered a place for padmé and her children.

padmé didn't miss the excitement of the pair over her little girl. they've always wanted to have a child, too.

it was padmé's idea to create a public funeral.

the queen amidala needed to die along the republic.

it would protect the babies from anyone ever intending to look for them.

quietly, she grieved for the person that she once was. daughter, lover, queen, senator.

and her heart broke all over again as she realizes that no matter how hard she'll try, she'll never be able to provide the life she wants for luke and leia.

in aldeeran, padmé finally let herself feel.

the weight of it, it feels like if she stops holding on, she'd crush underneath.

she tries not to think about how much she contributed to anakin's downfall.

she's seen how those aspects of anakin would slip from time to time. the slightest hints of the parts of him she didn't think would consume him.

it's always been there.

had she made some decisions differently, perhaps this wouldn't be the future she is facing.

some days, she'd catch herself slipping...

she'd blink and she'd find that the day has passed and she'd remain frozen on the same spot as she were.

at first, she didn't want to believe it, must be some trick her mind was doing.

of course that's easier to stomach than to admit that there's some irreversible damage that came.

what was important was the wellness of the children.

she'd convince herself she'd have captured stars so she can give it to them.

the empire grew more everyday as did the children.

leia was starting to look like her more and more, padmé wishes her mother could've met her.

and luke inherited every trait anakin had. it startles her sometimes, to look at him and find traces of anakin still living.

because anakin was gone. he left. and all there is for her now is to live on.

a small group of senators were beginning to spark a resistance.

around this time, the children were beginning to talk.

padmé was firm in teaching them to never speak her name in public.

in another life, perhaps she'd be teaching them the names of the flowers that grew in naboo.

but in this one, she has to teach her kids to forget she was their mother when talking outside.

leia had understood this little game, and got on to calling her 'paddie', while luke had never really stopped calling her mama.

when the kids went to sleep, she'd weeped, for this is not how she had envisioned raising her children to be.

she was supposed to be having these moments with anakin.

this... hypervigilance, it never really would go away. especially since force-sensitive children are being hunted everyday.

the queen and bail organa would do best to have padmé involved with the resistance.

padmé knew this was them trying to keep her old self alive.

which made her dislike it more— because it felt like she was becoming less and less of who she once was.

she did fight then. she'd risk everything to make sure that the senators don't forget who the people they are supposed to be serving.

she has different priorities now.

looking back at it, she realizes, she played right into the part the emperor laid out for her.

did any of it ever matter?

stepping into the role of queen prematurely, hiding her love, trying to be the voice of reason in a room filled with people who have gone so tone-deaf. did any of it change anything at all?

she blinks and she finds that it already had been dark and leia was standing in front of her with teary wide eyes.

"what's wrong, my baby?" padmé kneels down to the little girl.

"you won't wake up, mama" her little palms were on padmé's cheek.

padmé's breath hitches as she realized, she must've gotten lost again.

it was getting harder to control when her thoughts appear. she'd tell herself to focus at the task at hand and not think about how worried she was about it, she doesn't have to worry so much, all of it was in the past. no one was going to take the children. she should stop thinking about someone taking the children—

she pauses and bites her cheek, forcing herself to not cry in front of leia. who had to witness that. who was so scared she started crying.

"it's fine, my love, i was just having a dream" padmé kisses the girl's forehead.

with inquisitors hunting down the galaxy, padmé knew she had to teach her children about the force.

they were barely nine. and padmé had to break it down to them as if she can sum the world in a bedtime story.

they thought it was some sort of magic.

luke was starting to say some things that would terrify padmé.

she told them how their father died a hero. she'd spare them the truth of him until they are a little bit older.

and luke would say that he's not gone.

meanwhile, leia had gone around the society of aldeeran.

padmé will never come back again. she hardly ever hears her name anymore. (if not for the organas)

no one really knew she had survived except for them, obi-wan, and yoda.

in the beginning, padmé refused to let leia be seen in public.

it felt like inviting this new sith lord to come at her own doorstep.

but then the queen insisted that under their roof, leia would always be protected.

the queen has grown so fond of leia. and with padmé playing the strict parent, leia would go off to the queen.

but leia should get a chance to live normally, no matter how little of it she is given.

in aldeeran society, leia had been the organa's adopted daughter.

there was still a little wince whenever leia says her new name...

but at least, the little girl's lonely eyes sparked once more.

and it broke padmé's heart all over again.

of all the things she can't give her. all the things she should have.

one time, luke and leia had been outside the castle walls.

padmé had disguised this new lesson as a game. a play of cat and mouse.

leia was agile. and she has a habit of climbing trees.

luke was instinctive, and always found his way to his sister.

it was padme's turn, hiding from the twins when she peaked and found that both the kids had tripped over the string she laid out.

she quietly chuckles at the sight, they should learn to never let their guard down! anakin would've loved doing something like this, yes.

luke had quickly gathered himself and he helped his sister back to his feet. they had strategized that their mother would approximately be where padmé was hiding.

the kids were growing so fast— padmé felt as though she already knows the people they will be.

it was painting in her brain. leia; quick-witted, discerning, a bit stubborn. and luke; kind-hearted, compassionate, and loyal.

she was already proud of who they'll be. they only need to stick together. then she might finally get some peace.

minutes passed by and padmé was beginning to worry because the twins' footsteps trail away.

her blood drops when she heard leia screaming.

she ran towards the source, finding a lone luke weeping.

"they took her!" he cries

padmé kneels down to take the boy in her arms.

despite her racing heart, she forced herself to remain in tact for luke.

"who did, luke? who took leia?"

padmé was ready to storm off when the queen informed her of the possible reasons leia was taken.

bail implores padmé to pause and think about what would happen if she went finding her daughter.

it would reveal her. it would reveal the twins.

"i can't... if anything happens to her" padmé's voice was failing her. she looks over the couple to find luke had been listening.

"maybe it's time we call on someone fit to face the inquisitors" bail suggests.

and obi-wan appears the next day.

padmé has long accepted that obi-wan had to do what he has done.

but of course, the sight of him still stings. everything she could have had if he stayed in the ship for just a little longer.

but all that's past now. because she needs his help.

obi-wan left soon after. padmé had held her breath ever since.

the empire has never shown any mercy to innocent children. leia would not be spared.

luke had come to her bed late that night.

the little boy had started apologizing, his words incoherent.

he said that he should've just stayed with his sister so she'd still be here.

and she held her son, reassuring that it was never his fault.

it hauntingly reminded padmé of when she held anakin after he started blaming himself for shmi skywalker's death.

the next morning, bail organa was the one to tell padme that theed has burned to the ground because of darth vader.

and that leia was with obi-wan on the way back.

her anguish was superseded by relief when leia returned.

along it was obi-wan's guilt-ridden eyes when he said—

"anakin's alive"

am gonna continue this thought later plss i have so much what ifs for this!!!

#star wars #sw #padme amidala #padme #padme naberrie #anakin skywalker #padme x anakin #anakin x padme #padme (ciella's ver)#—ciella's drabbles

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