#am i just dying? thats fine
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Man, I love random chest pain and aches, it's so cool and wonderful 🥰
#please save me#its not so bad that its the onlt thing i can focus on#but its just constant and heavy#like breathing in too much hurts :')#idk what it is#am i just dying? thats fine#like yknow its not bad enough to feel concerning imo but it just makes me feel lethargic ig#and jve been trying to drink more water later cause im afraid the reason why i feel shit a lot is bcs dehydration#but then when im drinking more lately im suddenly just hit w this oppressive feeling#thank you body love you#and to add on my stomach hurts 😭🫠#but i think thats just bcs i drink too much dairy and caffeine#actually maybe all of it is the caffeine#BUT I DONT DRINK THAT MUCH#it cant be hmmm#catie.rambling.txt
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miss pauling WOULD NOT SMELL FINE.
#me disagreeing at everything about miss pauling that people paints her as something good sweet or cool#WHEN SHES NOT COOL OR AWESOME OR SMELLS GOOD AT ALL SHAKES YOU AROUND LIKE A BOTTLE#she smells LIKE HUMAN SWEAT and old clothes from a humid closet she barely cleans. like a grandma.#well grandmas do smell nice. BUT THATS NOT THE FACT#ok well she does smell fine and bearable maybe he hair smells like bed sheets no changed at all#because she wakes up so early she doesn’t have time to clean her room or make her bed#she just instantly runs not even eating breakfast and dying of hunger until either scout or soldier gives her a cookie#or a half eaten pork beans in soldiers courtesy#and gets home late EXHAUSTED and throws herself in the bed to later wake up in 5 minutes#me wanting to expose her every single damn time i am evil like that to my ult#oh yeah her hair doesn’t smell that good at all. full of lice. and greasy. girl wash YOUR HAIR that’s what demo always says to her#prob demo often times calls her out or secretly spy will come and said damn my mask doesn’t even smell that bad than that hair of yours#but is either of those two. wait what i was talking about#her teeth are so yellow because she forgets to clean them#crusty eyes too. can’t put makeup stupidass just only puts her fav purple lipstick to hide her crusty lips#takes a deep breath… fuck. woman failure
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okay it has been. Months. BUT i wanted to pop in since today is my birthday and let yall know how much i've appreciated the patience and kindness that's been shown to me this year 🫶 i am really proud of myself for getting here and i can only thank the wonderful people in my life for it 🤧 so lots of love from ME to all of you and also here's a picture of my fosters bc i Have been doing things in my absence
#*ajtxt#their names are fruitcake and moonpie and yes if you know me i Am bad allergic but its fine#more updates is i'm down to one therapy session a month and i'm now the office manager for my job. tho things are Real Slow rn#and ig i went blonde but it'll be blue. eventually. bc i dyed it blue in like september and decided thats my color#idk i'm just taking it day by day and its still not Easy but i'm starting to actually feel like myself again#which is again thanks to all the love and support 🫶 i love yall im so serious#im gonna try to post more in the new year just please continue to be patient w me#bc i missed out on SO much and its a little daunting#mwah
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...
#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
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positive!! someone will come fix the internet finally tomorrow
negative!! i have to wait till tomorrow
#snow speaks#today the hotspots been super bad so ive been lowkey dying of boredom#which inevitably turned into 'hey what games do i have downloaded that doesnt require the internet'#explain to me why the hell do i have 13-2 downloaded and not the OTHER GAMES?#I COULD BE FINISHING LR A SECOND TIME ROUND BUT NOOO#i did get to see a paradox ending ive never seen before this game is so unserious sometimes its aslkjdfaslkh#i also didnt realize i maxed out majority of the roles oop :x obviously someone plays this game too much#fought the royal flanness and beat that in 3 mins and got the ending there which made me go :0 huh.#oHHHH I CAN GO DO OTHER PARADOX ENDINGS. oh thats gonna take a while though... mmmm#will try though#actually i shouldnt be complaining tbh i think ill be fine#its just academias gonna slow the quality im so stunned by how nicely it runs#ohhh academia. you awful maze of a city#i think i can beat caius tbh. i think im strong enough#or am i supposed to lose. oh well im gonna fight him anyways
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valentines day became a lot more fun and less agonising to me as an ace-aro person after it finally clicked over the past few years that whatever the fuck happens today is what i make of it, and that can and does include loving and appreciating the shit out of the friends ive decided i'd like to spend my life with in a way that i can define on my own terms not limited to the generic concept of romance. which i absolutely revel in doing, personally
#first and last post im gonna make about it BUT#kinda wild as a kid who got picked on on vday and got Insanely bitter abt the whole holiday for most of my teenage years#and coped by being 'totally fine with' the idea of living and dying alone bc who could Possibly want to get that close on my terms#that im here now and actually vibing with it#and like. if you hate vday personally i am giving you a pat on the back in solidarity. me too still for the most part#i am not going to be annoying about it for your sakes i respect you so much. best of luck avoiding Designated Love Day#but i am personally reclaiming this shit as a semi-recently discovered Bitch Who Yearns.#what a nice day to consider love in all its incredible forms! how great to remember i love and am loved in return#despite the years and years of thinking it just wasnt something that even loosely applied to me#funny how that works out sometimes. that im still learning things about myself#(some of this is slightly exaggerated ofc i have and have had friends who mean a Lot to me throughout! when i say 'alone' i dont mean Alone#(but it is still only recently ive started to unpack the 'i dont Need to bond that closely with people im Fine to live on my own' kinda#shit that i internalised for a stupid long time as a teenager#maybe i Do want to spend my life with other people in my own queerplatonic way and not only are there people who want that with me#but also make me want it with Them. and thats more than i could ever have imagined as a teenager)#ok tags ramble over im done getting sentimental khgCSDJ
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quick post bc im fucking frustrated to tears rn over this (was just logging in to update my writing sideblog lmao) - the most infuriating and terrifying thing abt my current situation is that despite the lifelong abuse, i still cannot keep my fucking mouth shut sometimes
I've been doing what I can to keep myself up to date with what's happening news-wise without pushing myself into dangerous territory mentally/emotionally, and STILL I fucking suffer because I could not keep my mouth shut around parents TWICE now within the past couple days. and then i get into hot water with them and shit gets bad again and i lose whatever meager amounts of respect or trust or whatever semblance of human decency and kindness they had decided to give to me bc I'd "earned" it by being silent and agreeable.
all i said today was that i think Domino's might be a company to boycott bc my mother mentioned getting pizza for my brother's upcoming bday and then there was just a whole fucking awful thing and I just am so fucking angry w myself. it was so much easier and safer when i never had access to the internet bc i never knew anything that they didnt agree with so i could never say anything wrong in that regard. like at least i Know things now and can actually have opinions, but ... idk. sometimes I feel like it isnt worth it if I keep fucking myself over like this because I can't just hold my tongue.
#the other instance was me saying the same fucking shit abt mcdonalds to my dad yesterday when i was in the vehicle w him#i just. i could honestly strangle myself. why the fuck am i so stupid like this#I've learned this lesson over and over and over again. why can't i get it thru my fucking head to keep my mouth shut all the time#do not talk to them!! ever!! about anything!!! why is that so difficult for me!!!#just be a fucking bobblehead!! nod and agree!! stop fucking talking and having opinions and thoughts of ur own!!!#okay im outta here again now sorry fjdkdl I'll try to log back in and delete this when i update my nowrimo stuff again tomorrow#boohoo poor me wah wah theres ppl dying and i have the fucking gall to feel sorry for myself jfc i need to get a grip#if i just kept my mouth shut it'd literally be fine for the most part. so its just me being unable to control myself thats causing this#stop! talking!! even here!! shut up!!#abuse tw#ask to tag idk what else to tag this with sorry lmk if u need anything tagged and i will do so in the future#vent tw
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hmm
#we're coming up on three straight weeks of spontaneous nerve pain my friends#doctors dont know whats wrong & all i can say is thank fuck i've got a real person job with benefits & live in a country w/ free healthcare#i dont even know how to explain it. i've been on meds helping the pain finally.#and only noticed they were working once they wore off and it legitimately felt like i was dying again. i hope you never know this pain#my bodys exhausted i'm exhausted even though the pain is being managed. my body is still firing all the nerves i just cant feel it anymore#i sit in bed all day and cant focus cant think cant type accurately. holding my phone hurts. but im so exhausted. i shouldnt be but i am#it occurred to me the other day that. this might not just stop. its been almost 3 weeks theres no reason to think itll just stop#and thats fucking scary. im 2* and i know age isnt correlated with health but. i shouldnt be. i dont know. im young & healthy & so confused#i just want to know whats wrong. i just want the pain to stop. the sensations to stop.#im stuck at home because thats where i should be with ease of emergency rooms but. my family is driving me crazy#half of my dad thinks im faking it (which my brain keeps latching onto bc it tries to tell me i'm fine when i#am so clearly not fine.)#char speaks
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(ripping my hair out by the handful) Sol Is Not Trapped In The Time Loop Sol Is There Because They Choose To Be
#life on earth i am begging you please get life on earth#teenexo stuff#this is my biggest adn pettiest pet peeve but every time a fic is tagged fix it abt either#a) sol leaving the time loop or#b) dys not [redacted]#i start ripping out my hair. please. please. please#the irony is besk lives au actually does hit point b eventually however. however#i dont think its a fix it for him to do it or not do it i think its just a choice he can choose to make#i really do honestly and genuinely believe its fine and morally neutral and not a bad thing#i dont think relationships need to last forever to be deep and meaningful and i think dys staying for sol for so long is already like#a sign of his love and how much he cares for them. like. i think its fine. i genuinely do think its fine that he goes#idk theres a quote from this book i really like thats smth like uhhh#your lover doesnt belong to you they are choosing to lend themself to you every day#and i think abt that w/rt dys/sol a lot its just good u kno#dys stays for sol because he loves them. he leaves because he wants to do that too#and i think the act of him staying bc he loves them is really nice! having the time together they have is nice!#idk i also dont think sol would be able to be like....... With dys long term if they didnt understand/acknowledge this at least a little?#basically. i think there are circumstances where dys wouldn't do it but i dont think those are fix-its lol#ANYWAYS clambers back off my soap box#this wasnt even what i came here to complain about#ok back to packing byeeeeeee#i was a teenage exocolonist spoilers ?#probably somewhere in there im guessing
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thinking abt how takane never knew haruka knew he'd die that year anyways. thinking abt how she'd handle finding out post str
#(holds head)#im at work being consumed by my kageworms#anyways would takane be angry. i feel like shed be conflicted like shed wanna be angry#but thatd be weird. like she doesnt wanna act all entitled#and hes FINE now so what would be the point#but she cant help that it annoys her bc damn that hurts#i wonder how id feel and im like yeah id like to know too. id like to be prepared#like if someone dear to me knew it and hid it bc they didnt wanna make me sad#like yeah who am i to deny a dying persons wish or whatever but it just feels a little selfish in a way#like ur gonna be gone and ur not gonna deal with the pain ur leaving on others ofc. so u wanna kinda spare urself that in life#thats why i think haruka doesnt tell her like things would be different between them and takane would#definitely treat him a little differently wth that in mind#she was already mega worried all the time abt his condition so adding thst is like...#harutaka conflict yum#kagevinnie#kagenalysis
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cam somebody pay at least a little bit of attention to me so I feel less insane
#pleasee im begging like. idk like this post so i feel less like im dying 😻😻#i get not wanting to interact with my serious posts and thats fine im mostly just posting that for myself but#i am quite literally going to throw up i need to feel like im being heard for even a second
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its so funny how much i dislike visiting doctors when thats my moms like. fave thing to do
#i also am oddly. like. not distrustful bc like i am not one of those ppl who like. dont believe in medicine or whatever?? but like#i do tend to b like i dont need <3 a doctor <3 ever <3#which is funny bc i also think im p bad with pain#but i also believe that i could be actively dying and still wld choose not to visit a doctor probably .#i stopped going to whoever was in charge of my migraines bc the first meds he gave me werent working and i absolutely hated having to take t#time to visit him n do all he asked for so i was just like nvm mom actually my migraines r better now dw <3 so we'd stop going . although ik#ik the reason why he cldnt help me was bc i prob didnt say enough etc but like yeah idk im living well now ig#i remember learning at some point that the person we were going to for my (n my brothers) braces actually fucked up and the braces werent p#properly measured (or whatever) for our teeth n thats prob why it was so painful so i think that was fucked up i never agreed to braces ever#ever since* even though i absolutely hate the way my teeth look#i dont like checking my eyesight because thats . well first of all time consuming to take the time to arrange n go to an appointment but mos#most importantly its embarrassing as fuck why is it so embarrassing . for real why#if i wasnt a litte crybaby i probably wldnt have gone to the er when i broke my foot bc i honestly was convinced that i was relatively fine#n didnt wanna go but i cried to my parents abt what happened when they got home so they were good parents n took me to the hospital . but ye#no one asked for my medical history im sorry guys
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the tragedy of things never being able to go back to how they were because time only goes further and as it grows more distant even the happiness i once experienced seems like a delusion
#yeah its im like this hours#yada yada i know im annoying when im depressed just ignore it its fine#im a cry baby attention seeker etc etc but i mean#what else am i gonna do but scream when im dying#if i do nothing people blaim you more anyways#cant burden people with the responsibility of your life#but also not supposed to suffer alone because friendship or something#what am i supposed to do tell my coworker i wanna kill myself so i can get an awkward look and a thats rough buddy?
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my laptop is dead dead dead 😞
#bean talks#yes there were horizontal lines going across the screen for the past 2 years#yes the i and e keys were broken#yes i couldnt watch a second of a video without it dying#yes there was a dead spot on the track pad#yes the webcam and internal microphone havent worked since 2020#and yes if it was unplugged for even a second it would die and id have to reset the smc#BUT i really thought id have more time 😭#pack bonded with my little laptop guy 🥺#it’s 6 years old so maybe thats good idk? but i cant afford a new one aaaaaaaaa#my job depends on me having computer access and i have zines i need to send out#and i need my spreadsheets for them!!! i need to be able to buy shipping labels for them!!! i am so fucked!!!#so i am just !!! freaking out a bit!!!!#frickity frick frack fuckity fick fack fuck#it’ll be fine I’m sure i can figure this out but oof. oof oof oof.
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.
#beeep#sui ment#how do u want to be alove#how do u stop feeling like failing at dying was ur biggest mistake#its become pretty clear that im a coward and my I Can Escape This way idea is actually untrue#but i still like? want to#every time i see a post thats like heres how to want to be alive it lists a bunch of things i cant fucking do#eat good food ! go outside ! form human connection !!!#the last one is the most possible and yet. i am not the boss of other people. i cant say You. Connect.#and i hurt so much all the time and im unsure if the doctors like???? care?????#like maybe remission is i hurt all the time and can only have boiled chicken and plain crackers but its Fine because my organs arent#getting Holes#maybe its that#which is better than hurting all the time etc etc With holes but.#i dont want that to be my future#i dont want it to be my present#sleeping didnt fix me i just woke up still brainbad and now im also in more pain than before sleeping#unlcear why#i think the poblem with my mental health is that its actually not illogical to be miserable when everything hurts and you csnt do Shit#and the only people u see outside of the house are Doctors#i haye knowing that death is logically the right choice for me and that im too much a weenie#because then i have guilt on top of it!!! like !!! argh#anyway.#time to eeblog one million posts nobody cares about so they get used to scrolling past my url real fast#. the you connect is not about any one person btw. n especially not (redacted for privacy) the timing might seem bad -_-
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in theory im very good at reading but in practice i cant read SHIT unless its in the perfect font with the perfect spacing so buying physical non-comic books is So difficult. why do online listings never put a picture of the page layout. i need to know how bad your paragraph spacing is. can i email my local bookstore and ask if they can take a pic of a page. is that allowed
#comics im mostly fine with (although ive realized i read some things like particularly manga easier than others)#(like if you tell me to read a superhero comic i'll die. mostly because of 'creative' font choices (whatever was going on in batman year 1))#(but comics with clear simple fonts and generous spacing between the text and the edges of the speech bubbles helps a lot)#(and a lot of translated manga is formatted that way so maybe thats why? just theorizing tho lol)#but with written novels im a MESS#i need large spacing around the text to the edge of the page (1.5-2cm in mass market paperbacks is okay but if a trade paperback doesnt have#at LEAST a inch or an inch and half around the text blocks i'll die irl)#i also need the font to be a good solid medium or smaller size so large print books are out for me#also the spacing between letters needs to be standard but the spacing between words and ESPECIALLY the spacing between paragraph breaks#needs to be a little bigger#USUALLY sans serif fonts are better for me but a good standard ass serif like times new roman works like as long as its clear and blocky#and the printing of the words needs to be CRISP like okay i wanted to read no longer human because of its influence#so i went to the store to check out the translated copies but then i was killed on impact when i saw how fuzzy and fucked up the text was#girl i cant read that. girl help.#AND LIKE the solution is obviously just reading more ebooks BUT I LIKE reading books physically 😔#easier to remember what books im reading and where i am in them that way jfklskfjdsa#sorry its just i love reading but my reading ability is mysterious and unpredictable HJKFLDSHJDKF#im trying to get a copy of phantom of the opera and im dying. not only are there 1000000 million translations. there is also...#100000 million different printings of the oldest public domain translation JFKLDSHJDKL:Ss#pray for me#luckily 99% of the books i read at least are from the library or borrowed from someone so i can check the font beforehand#but my library doesnt have everything RIP
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