#am I losing the writing hyperfocus or am I just really stressed lately? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ruvigapo · 2 years

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Another personal post today bc i feel like i just.. am better able to think when i know someone's listening.

Remember blog culture?? I'm channeling That right now 😂😂

It's occured to me lately all the ways on which my adhd really has inhibited my ability to draw, and i just wanted to write it all out in a bulletpoint format and go through them to see if i can't find a solution to some of them.

Boredom - i get bored doing the same thing for too long and will rarely finish something if it takes me more than a week to finish.

Computer runs on 4GB - My computer is, sadly, shit. Which means a lot if waiting and hassling to save files on external hard drives.

External validation - not unique to adhd but i've been told we react much more strongly to other people's opinions of us, which sounds about right. So if i don't feel other people enjoy what i make, or even one person doesn't, whose opinion i value, i lose motivation.

Going outside - drawing from life is something i enjoy but it's very hard for me to do, which has led to me feeling very stuck in a single mindset for a very long time even though i would like to get inspiration from other sources. The insp bank is just very empty.

Starting and stopping - it's just such a hassle to navigate hyperfocus. To an extent i know how to trigger it, work with it, make the most of it, etc. But it still just takes a Lot of energy to manage.

Back pain - having a hard time exercising and stretching regularly has made it so my back pain is stopping me from drawing even if i want to.

Too tired all the time - everything is much more exausting when u have adhd so even if i wanted to work on åersonal projects or whatever, the physical and emotional toll is just too high.

Probably not an exaustice list lbr but at leadt i have it.

So a few things are more existential in nature like: "what do i want to spend my limited time on this earth making?" "Why do i feel like what i am doing is not enough?" Etc. Etc. And probably can't be solved in one sitting.

A couple things can rly be aided by a better settup though so once i move in i'm going to need to start thinking about a better settup:

A better computer with a RAM that doesn't actively want me dead.

(And good screen placement to go w that, so im not actively murdering my neck).

(And a new tablet that's not 10yrs old and a safety hazard).

Established places for all my tools so i can work with minimal effort.

Smaller usb sticks labeled by year would be nice. Computer folders drive me mad.

An inspiration board (and planning board) would be nice. Being able to visually see all my projects in action at all times. Worth a try honestly.

Moving in and settling down will aid on a few fronts:

Generally not being constantly worried about moving in to a new appartment will be swell. Love that for future me.

Exercise will happen more regularly once i move in and am not constantly stressed. Also i'll live rly close to a gym so.. fingers crossed that solves That problem.

Going back to work will help with that.

Fingers crossed ill have energy for parkour again soon🤞🤞🤞

Genuinely no solution for the Too Tired problem. I'll likely just have to let myself rest once in a while even if it means giving up on exercise and drawing for a week or more at a time. Which is probably healthy lbr.

Which.. that leaves the three biggest issues (shocker).

Going outside would help with boredom but going outside is hard.

I think i'll have to invest in some better outdoorsy bags. Like those rly cool leather hip pouches. Those would be great. Just.. a way to easily carry equipment qith me so i can just draw when i feel like it and don't have to dig around a bag just find a pencil.

Like this lol. Big enough to fit an a5 sketch book bc that's my preffered size snd like.. one water colour set and a pen. Imagine that. I think that would be Swell. I don't need a bunch. Just enough that i can carry the essentials anywhere i go.

The dream.

Another reason to marry a leather worker.

And honestly like.. i think taking a break from fanart and social media and just going outside to draw and see the world.

I think that's what i need rn.

Then there's the issue of external validation, which isn't anyone's fault, it just kinda Is.

I figure quitting social media can help with that too. Sorry to say.

The rest is probably just processing what i want to do and stuff. Ya kno. The existential bits.

#muffin rambles #personal #im feeling anxioys and in s #i must fix everythng #mood #like #ik when i get like this best i can do is notice it #look it in the eye #and say smth like #thats okay #just breathe #itll be all right #long post

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rinnnyxr · 3 years

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I’m happy I’m sad I’m motivated I’m unmotivated I’m sick I’m taken I have a crush I’m in love I’m single I’m brokenhearted

I want to sleep I want to study I want to go out I want to stay home I have school today I have work today

I’m afraid of spiders I’m afraid of being alone I’m afraid of snakes I’m afraid of flying I’m afraid of failure I’m afraid of clowns

I took chemistry classes in high school I took math classes in high school I took English classes in high school I took geography classes in high school I took biology classes in high school I had gym in high school I took art classes in high school I took science classes in high school I took history classes in high school I took physics classes in high school I was in the theatre after school program in high school I had some sort of music classes in high school I had some sort of dance classes in high school

Bold the things you’ve never done.

I’ve never gone to Disney World. I’ve never been out of my home country. I’ve never kissed a stranger on the lips. I’ve never read a book over eight hundred pages. I’ve never painted a picture on a canvas. I’ve never sang in front of a large crowd by myself.

I’ve never had braces. I’ve never learned French. I’ve never had a fight with my dad. I’ve never updated my status through my phone. I’ve never used Nair. I’ve never cut my wrists. I’ve never wanted plastic surgery. I’ve never drank organic regular milk. I’ve never learned Chinese. I’ve never blew up a balloon. I’ve never changed a baby’s diaper. I’ve never lost my phone for good. I’ve never lost a friend through death. I’ve never met one of my grandparents. I’ve never met someone with my exact name. I’ve never dated someone with red hair. I’ve never put on eyeliner for myself. I’ve never took a dance class. I’ve never tried weed. I’ve never tried drugs. I’ve never cooked dinner for my family. I’ve never had anything besides my ears pierced. I’ve never had a tattoo. I’ve never went to the beach to tan. I’ve never kissed anyone on the lips that was younger than me. I’ve never dumped someone. I’ve never stepped in something nasty barefooted. I’ve never cheated on someone. I’ve never waxed anything on my body. I’ve never dyed my whole head a different color. I’ve never kissed anyone who was above the age of seventeen. I’ve never kissed in the rain. I’ve never gone a day without laughing. I’ve never got held back a grade. I’ve never stolen anything over twenty dollars.

Aries

Waiting until the last minute TL;DR (too long, didn’t read) Angry crying 4 am seamless Big flirt Hot yoga “Why are you so upset? I’m over it now” No filter Cutting in line at the store Skipping to the “good part” Ignoring the speed limit Tinder Shoplifting Exclamation points!!! Bad tattoos Caffeine addiction Toned AF Muay Thai “Don’t touch me” Breaking a bone Spelling errors Picking fights for no reason Lowkey really sensitive Skipping breakfast 7/24

Taurus Falling asleep on the subway Going barefoot Using hands as utensils Calling in sick Materialism Tree climbing Cuddling Controlling the aux Great British baking show “I deserve to treat myself” Aesthetics Spending the whole day in bed Anything that says “natural” on it Long-term relationships Expensive sheets Picnics in the park Essential oils Sex as exercise Tender Wearing the same outfit 3 days in a row Says a controversial opinion and then “I’m not going to argue” Calm, cool, and collected Silk everything 5 meals a day 7/24

Gemini Giving unqualified advice 50 different tangents “Prove it” Playing Devil’s advocate Can’t keep a secret Scamming Carrying a book around Arguing for fun Always knowing the latest gossip Adderall Spilling guts to the Uber driver Rationalizing emotions Lying to be more interesting Most active in the group chat Anxiety Telling the same story 10 times to perfect it Philosophy 1000 ideas per minute Sardonic sense of humor Full of interesting facts 23 best friends Internet memes Forgot how to cry Living a double life 4/24

Cancer Screenshots Same friends since high school Sleeps with a stuffed animal Vintage clothes Cries when yelled at Going home early Nesting Holding grudges Mood swings Drinking tea Supporting others’ chaos Social anxiety HGTV Super protective of loved ones Accidental emotional manipulation Cooking for friends Likes animals more than humans Meeting someone and immediately planning their whole lives together Empathizing with film protagonists Vivid childhood memories “Mi casa es tu casa” Serial monogamist Good emotional memory Big hugs 8/24

Leo Mid-day outfit changes Giving out compliments Taking an hour to get ready Accidentally flirting Making friends in the Uber pool Using a window as a mirror Passionate emotional outbursts Lowkey insecure Creating drama to avoid boredom Opening up after just meeting someone Going to the spa Needing to make opinions known Large but fragile ego Wanting recognition for your generosity Making a scene Pretending life is reality TV Giving really subjective advice Overdressed for the function Creative genius Social media as therapy Trying something and being instantly good at it Can’t take a joke Self-care Urge to stand out 7/24

Virgo Over-analyzing friendships Fact check Knowing a little about everything Helping people get their shit together Very specific tastes Fixing it or making it 10x worse Personal projects Health routines Pretending to have your shit together Repeating a task over and over until it’s perfect On good terms with your trash exes Stretching self too thin Stuck in negative thought cycles Noticing little things no one else notices Needs to quit like 3 things Nitpicking Self-sacrificing Hyperfocus Reading 3 books at once “Sorry for the late reply” Functioning on 3 hours of sleep Can’t turn brain off Neurotic Putting yourself last 17/24

Libra Fomo (fear of missing out) Saying yes to every opportunity A little bit of suck up Fear of being alone Flirting with everyone but your crush Tossing a coin to make big decisions Easily influenced Art films Strong sense of right and wrong Torn between being social and having much needed alone time New crush every day Going to museums Overthinking romantic relationships Truly admiring all your friends Adopting others’ hobbies and mannerisms Overdraft fees Showing up late or not showing up at all Avoiding conflicts at all costs Talking about past romances on the first date Gossipy but with good intentions Panicking when someone raises their voice Trying to see both sides Unable to end a bad relationship Pretending to hate drama 9/24

Scorpio Resting bitch face Keeping the right amount of secrets Has a “hit” list (either meaning) Needing to have control in relationships Knowing what you want and exactly how to get it Disappearing at parties Morbid thoughts Believes in “energy” Attractive Staring from across the room Stalking crush’s social media Fascination with cults Still in an emo phase Breaking hearts but sad about it Trust issues All black Existential angst Silently walking away from uninteresting conversations Chaotic emotions behind a calm mask Craving emotional intensity “What am I gonna gain from it?” Seeming intimidating, actually really sensitive Friendships of utility Loves crime 12/24

Sagittarius Losing interest and quitting anything that doesn’t come easily Giving opinions without being asked No inside voice Arguing as foreplay Backpacking trips Talking over people Stating opinions as facts Corny jokes Took one philosophy class and is basically Nietzsche now Always having the last word Using big words to sound smart Speaking more than one language Fueled by laughter Calling friends on their BS Asking for advice and then not taking it Needing to change activities every 30 minutes Telling it like it is Correcting people Unwaveringly optimistic Laugh can be heard from across the room Talking about a book after only reading the Wikipedia synopsis Learning a lot from travel Periodically getting rid of all your belongings Pulling out a party trick 9/24

Capricorn Fear of not living up to potential Overcommitting Anything ‘rustic’ Favorite song is the NPR jingle Has real, tangible goals Repressing trauma Always on time Slow and steady Minding your own business Prefers on one hangs to group hangs Work/life balance Putting more money into savings than you take out Acting 20 years older than you actually are Is prepared for the worst-case scenario Never asking for help Reading for fun Is actually normcore Taking care of business Taking things seriously Motivated by stress Minimalism Hanging out with the same 3 people Bashful around crush Holding friends to high standards 9/24

Aquarius Lowkey superstitious Obscure music David Lynch Weird makeup Self-given haircuts Bad at flirting Feeling like an alien Reding conspiracy theories on the internet Estranged from emotions Experimental poetry Martyr complex Being called a free spirit Abstract concepts Making plans and canceling them Intellectual superiority A little arrogant Loves an underdog Using a thesaurus Activism Fuck the rules Intentionally provocative Highly ethical Queer theory Niche knowledge base 1/24

Pisces Head in the clouds Misplacing keys Unofficially moving in with friends Easily overwhelmed Empathizing with plants Existential crisis #3 Really long showers Leaving clothes in a pile on the ground Using fantasies as an escape Romantic drama Need for constant validation Acts either 7 or 70 Incredibly active imagination Cripplingly self-aware Over-apologizing In love with 10 people at once Binge drinking Giving good advice but can’t apply it to yourself Secretly writes poetry Crying in the bathroom at work Can’t take criticism Mind reading #NoBoundaries Saying something deep out of nowhere 12/24

I am most like a Virgo (my actual sign)

You have an ex You don’t wear glasses You have blue/gray/green eyes

You’re pretty tall

You can drive a manual transmission car

You know how to change the oil

You know all about cars

You have a serious passion for photography

You’ve known your best friend since middle school You’re close friends with someone since elementary school You prefer Quiznos over Subway

You’re in a relationship You’ve had a rebound before You’ve been in a relationship for five years

You’ve cheated before

You’ve dated someone who was Asian You’ve dated someone who was Hispanic

You’ve dated someone of your own ethnicity You like to sleep a lot You were born in winter Your birthday is in February

You’re the oldest in your family

You have a younger sister You have a cat You don’t have step-parents You often work the night shifts at your job

You can play the drums

You know a lot about flowers

You’re allergic to shellfish

You like garlic You like a lot of cheese

You get real Christmas trees

You’ve been in a car accident before You’ve snuck people over to your house You’re part Hawaiian

You’re a Pisces

You have no tattoos You have no piercings You have brown hair You have a Steam account You don’t have a Twitter

You’re hardly on any networking sites

You have an XBox360 You don’t like Playstation products very much

You have relatives in Alaska and/or Hawaii

You have a Toshiba laptop

You love German Shepherds You love Welsh Corgis You are Republican

You are Methodist

Your room is rarely ever clean

You’ve drunk dialed someone

A nasty rumor has been spread about you You’re in college One of your parents was at one point enlisted in the military

You are close with your family You like paintballing

You don’t smoke You don’t do drugs

You have a habit of keeping things you borrowed longer than expected

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therandomavenger · 3 years

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Anger and Acceptance

I've been listening to the Halliwell book Delivered from Distraction which was a follow up to his Driven to Distraction which was my introduction to adhd. And let me tell you, fam, it is bringing up some memories. It's a guide to what we knew back in 2005 about adhd, as well as inspirational stories about people who have persevered.

Now, I wasn't diagnosed with adhd until I was 32. The fact that I functioned at all before that time was a miracle, because I could look back on my childhood and young adulthood and see the signs in myself.

I was constantly losing things. In third grade they started handing out lunch tickets, which had to be purchased ahead of time. No ticket, no lunch. My parents were always good about buying them for me but then came the crucial next step: I had to keep track of them. No ticket, no lunch. At least twice a week I would be holding up the class, making us late for lunch, because my lunch ticket would have vanished into the black hole that was my desk. Everybody would be standing there, impatient, thinking 'what an idiot' because I, a non neurotypical eight-year old had not been able to keep track of a piece of paper that was about the size of a playing card. I seemed to be the only one who had a problem with this. It even came up at a parent-teacher conference. Did anyone attempt to help me come up with a strategy for helping me keep track of my lunch tickets? Maybe intervene with some easy organizational strategies or reminded of where I should put it? Of course not, it was just constantly pointed out as a problem that I shouldn't be having and I of course internalized that, thinking I was just a bad person.

Things didn't go better as I got older. In fifth grade we were supposed to have memorized our multiplication tables. Now, I had trouble with math, but I'd learned my multiplication tables. I knew them. I couldn't do them fast, but I could do them. So, of course my fifth grade teacher, a grumpy old man named Mr. Southwood, started doing timed tests. We had five minutes to do 100 multiplication problems. Now, this was a nightmare for me. I knew my multiplication tables, but could not perform at that speed on demand. Plus, at the end of every test we had to call out our score verbally, which would then be recorded. This, of course, followed intense stress with humiliation. Sometimes I did ok on them, rising up to the 70s or 80s, often I was down in the 20s and 30s.

But there was hope. If you achieved a perfect score twice, you were exempted from taking them in the future. We did these like three times a week. Now, through some miracle of variable performance, one day I managed to achieve a perfect score. Everyone was shocked when I reported my score, but nobody checked it, which gave me an idea. The next test I got like a 70 or something but when we were reporting our scores I said I got 100, hoping I would be spared more of this torture.

Well five minutes later Mr. Southwood gave a real barnraiser of a speech, how there was nothing he could think of worse than a liar And how for no reason he could think of someone had lied about their score on the timed test. I have no idea how he knew I'd been lying, but it was obvious that I was the one he was talking about. So my name went on the board with the words "for lying" next to it and I had to stay after school.

Another time, also in fifth grade, we were given packets we were supposed to work our way through when we had downtime. I put mine in my desk and promptly forgot about it, of course. Did he remind us of them over the course of the next week? Of course not. I had no idea this time bomb was about to go off until it was time to turn them in, at which point I remembered the fucking packet and realized I had done none of it. Was he understanding? Of course not, he just made fun of me and said I was spending too much time reading.

When I became a teacher I remembered all of these things and how they'd made me feel. I was always on the lookout for the adhd kids, and I got along well with them when a lot of other teachers didn't. But I don't care who you are or what your problem is, there's never a reason to humiliate a student.

But it was the 80s and I'm my small town none had ever heard of adhd. I was diagnosed with the unhelpful label of " learning disabilities" and in fourth grade I was in a pull-out program where they helped me slow down my lightning fast brain so that I could at least write coherently. They tested my iq, and found it was high enough I should be performing better. But no one said adhd, though it was a diagnosis at the time.

It was probably because I was not as hyperactive as some. Though I was hyperactive. I could not sit still and was constantly moving to the degree that it annoyed my classmates. There's video footage of me racing around my aunt's backyard doing cartwheels a hundred times a second. So really, the educational professionals in my life should have realized something more specific than "learning disability" was up.

But I fell in love with reading, which helped. I could hyperfocus on books for hours at a time. And I discovered a love for writing stories, which gave me worlds of my own making to escape into when the heat of daily life grew too intense.

My own kids both had adhd, but my ex wife and I were always on top of it, or we tried to be. And the teachers in their lives mostly understood. There were some that gave us trouble, but I can only think of one teacher who actually tried to humiliate my son.

So remembering these things has made me so angry on behalf of the little boy who once inhabited this skin. These are far from the only instances too. I just want somebody to find him and say, 'you're not stupid your brain just

works differently.'

When I was 32 my daughter was diagnosed at the age of 5. The pediatrician told us to read Driven to Distraction, which we did. And let me tell you, fam, it was a revelation. I put the book down after some description of people who could not keep their cabinet doors closed to save their lives and looked at my then-wife and said, 'this explains my entire life' and she was like, 'you think?' So I immediately called the psychologist we'd been referred to and asked to be evaluated. He gave me many different types of tests and even had me assessed for allergies and diagnosed me, saying 'i wasn't sure about you until you took the TOVA (a computerized test measuring attention). Most people are between -2 and +1 with larger numbers meaning more intense attention problems. I was a +6.

So I've had to accept this about myself. I've come up with ways to achieve my goals, while letting go of some things. I can write, but only for about an hour. But I can write 1000 words in that hour which is a good enough pace. So I've accepted myself and learned to work with the brain I have. I could accomplish nothing without adderal, and don't get me started on people who claim you shouldn't take medication. If you have eye problems you wear glasses and nobody makes you feel bad about it. For me, adderal is just glasses for my brain.

So I am still angry on behalf of the kid I was and on behalf of all non neurotypical kids who are made to feel worthless by people who are supposed to be helping them. We know better these days, and we can do better.

#adhd #mental health

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starless-night-fright · 4 years

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I need to vent here for a moment. I can’t find my journal I normally would be venting into, and dear lord I just need to put everything I’m feeling down because I’m not okay, right now.

She’s a long post, about everything I’ve been struggling with since the beginning of the year. It’s heavy, I don’t hold back.

I went into 2020 thinking, yes, this is it, I’m finally gonna have a good year. The last time I was constantly happy, and having a good time, I was 17. But, I started this year student teaching, I was going to walk in May and be the first in my family to get my diploma, I had everything planned.

What a fucking joke that was.

Student teaching was a mixed bag. It got cut short, and I ended up losing on valuable experience that I need. I struggle with enforcing consist discipline. Students don’t take me seriously. That was the biggest goal I was working on, right before everything shut down. We never went online, and I won’t see my students that I had again.

I’m not gonna lie, I had days that were really, really bad. Days where “It wouldn’t matter if you just drove your car into a semi and ended it” were thoughts that came up on my 30 minute drive home. I’d go and have days where it felt like I wouldn’t succeed in the field, and then come home and felt...I don’t know. I think I felt like people close to me didn’t care? That if I really did choose to just...crash my car spontaneously, that it wouldn’t matter in the long run to them? That they had someone they could replace me with, if that makes sense. Because if I reached out in my very indirect way of saying “I need help, and I need attention” I’d get brushed off, with an explanation of some kind. It’s okay, I’d think, everyone has priorities more important than me. And then I’d go to bed, get up, start the cycle again. Until I didn’t.

I got my Bachelor’s Degree, though I slept most of the day I would have walked. I got my teaching license, but somehow, I feel under qualified for it. Like, I don’t deserve this. Even my degree. I skated by in college, writing every paper the night before, and reading bits and pieces of every book - even content I was interested in. I never proofread a single paper, never edited one. Not even my capstone paper. I passed, though I don’t know what I got for my grade. It feels fake to me.

So, I graduated. I got a degree in a field that arguably has a demand for people, so why can’t I get a job? Why is it that I haven’t been able to land a single fucking interview? It isn’t because I just graduated, and it isn’t because I only had my actual legit license in my hands for only about a month at this point - I know plenty of people with the same training and the same everything I had getting jobs in late May and early June, so what is so wrong with my applications that I can’t get past the screening phase?

Maybe they know that I’m under qualified. Oh, she doesn’t have any of her host teachers? Her mentor teacher from student teaching? She has no other experience in education aside from 4 semesters in a classroom, and she has no experience with kids either.

I’ve been jobless since March, and have had no income since May. It’s my fault, I suppose, because I kept putting off finding a new job. My best friend’s mom would say that I’m making excuses, but it’s hard to find a job when I’m sitting there like “Oh, yeah, by the way, I have no idea if I’m going back to student teaching in person, or teaching online, and if I have to do that - and it’ll be very sudden - I won’t be able to work between 7am-3:20pm if we go online, and 6am-4:30pm if we go in person, and I won’t be able to work past 10, because my health is important.” I don’t know. I’m getting sick of explaining why I don’t do things and people saying “You’re making excuses.” I really, really fucking hate it when people say that.

I applied for unemployment, after getting people bugging me for a while about it, but it didn’t make a difference. They basically looked at what I submitted, and said “There’s no income here” and I sent in something saying, no, I had income, here’s my W-2, and that was a month ago, and still nothing back. When people were first pushing me to apply, I was going back and forth from saying that “I don’t know how to report my income because my hours were very inconsistent” to “I don’t currently need these benefits, because I still have money from income taxes and the stimulus check”. Which was true.

So I went back to donating plasma. My last donation was Friday, and something went wrong with it. The needle wasn’t in correctly, so they decided to give my blood back after one pull (if you haven’t done it before, it’ll go through about 4-5 cycles if you’re in the highest weight category, which I am). They slowly returned my blood back to me, but it started to sting when the saline started to go in. I don’t know if it was the blood or the saline, but something went into the tissue, not the vein. So, I’ve had a nice bruise on the inside of my arm that prevents me from going and getting more money. I haven’t touched my donation money, since it’ll be rent in a worst case scenario where I don’t have a job by September 1st. I want a teaching job, or a subbing position in the district I’m in, but if the subbing position also gets overlooked, I don’t know what I’m going to do, emotionally.

It’s been almost a week since my last donation, and maybe I’ll be able to go in a day or two? The bruise is fading, but I don’t know.

I’m lonely, I’m stressed, I’m anxious. I want to hang out with people, but I look at the list of people I know and I’m like...who even cares, right now? I’m getting frustrated with people getting annoyed at the fact that nothing is going okay right now, and me expressing those feelings is annoying, and I’m getting frustrated with people just saying “oof” when I express that something isn’t okay. It isn’t even down to who cares, either, it’s also looking at who has the energy to deal with me?

The last week has been pretty shitty, in all honesty. At first, it was the stress of everything leading up to plasma donation going wrong. Then it turned into “People only care about people that they deem as useful, and it seems like my usefulness has run out.” Because it has. I’m just burdensome to people at this point.

So, then I sit there. I want to talk to people, I want to just sit and watch stuff and drink with friends. But I don’t want people saying all the things i enjoy are stupid, and I don’t want to be brushed off. I don’t even want advice for everything because what advice can people even offer me right now? I want human company. But people have lives that don’t involve me - which is okay - and those lives and relationships take precedence over me. Which is okay. To most people - if not every person I’m associated with - I’m a second thought, at best. Everyone has someone else that they care about more, or some other issue that they have more thought processes to deal with. I’m not mad, or upset by it. I don’t expect people to put their lives and their problems on hold to help me get stabilized. Because, in all honesty? Right now, when nothing is okay right now? I don’t think I could emotionally sustain anyone either.

So, I don’t want to be burdensome. So, I sit alone, and try to drown out everything by watching dumb videos on YouTube or starting to hyperfocus on something. It sometimes works. Other times, I just sit there and feel the need to just break something, to let out the tension, and I have a relapse. I’ve had two, this week. It doesn’t matter what it is, in all honesty. I’ve done dishes, while in this state, and I broke a glass. It just...it felt like the glass was the heaviest thing I could hold, and I just didn’t have the energy to keep holding it anymore, and I dropped it. I still haven’t found all the pieces to the cup. Though, it doesn’t matter, does it?

I did start therapy, recently. My first appointment was a week ago, and I won’t have another one for two weeks. In this appointment, I discussed with the therapist about how I thought I had undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and depression. I had filled out a questionnaire a few weeks prior, and he had my answers from then about those three things, among a few other things. I explained that at times when I feel like I’m dealing with anxiety attacks I struggle to breath - I have to pause, take a deep breath with my diaphragm and fully expand my lungs, cause it feels like my breath is too shallow in varying circumstances, but it’s been worse recently.

He asked about study habits. How is reading? I have a hard time sitting down, and focusing to read, but when I find something I’m engaged it, I don’t put it down. Is that webcomic 90-144 chapters? I. Won’t. Stop. I can’t. So, he asks about deadlines. How close to a deadline do i complete tasks? Literally, the last minute. Does that pressure help you work? If I don’t have a deadline, I don’t finish anything. Fun fact! I’m moving in a week, and I made a list of everything my roommate and I need to do. I did this a month ago, and this was supposed to be done before we went on a roadtrip in the beginning of July. Nothing has been checked off. He asked how I do progression. If I work on a paper, I’ll clean my workspace, then I’ll go get snacks to munch on for the 5-10 hours I’ll be at my computer. Sometimes, cleaning my workspace causes my to clean my room. After all this he said “I think there is some ADHD at play here.” And he explained that, typically in women, ADHD is undiagnosed, because it’s the high energy that people look at, not necessarily the inattentiveness. Young boys are diagnosed more often because they have that high energy people look for - and they get misdiagnosed, sometimes. So, that tells me that, for 23 years of my life, and for 17 years of education, I had ADHD. Which makes a difference.

Because, then, I start thinking about the past - this has been a thing for the last few days, in particular. And I start to get...frustrated? Angry? Because, I’m sitting there thinking that the signs were there. When I was in the 5th grade, I just stopped doing my homework. Or rather, I never did it to begin with. It was a whole thing that I don’t want to get into right now, but my teacher did get my parents involved. And then, again, in high school. I had the same English teacher for 3 years, and she allowed me to go into the AP Lit and Lang courses. This was the point that I really struggled with reading. I loved reading up until that point. It was my escape. And she had me the year before, she knew I was an avid reader at that point. But when I started slipping and when it was obvious I wasn’t reading, she never really said anything. I don’t think she contacted my parents, and it never came up in parent teacher conferences - I went to all of them because I liked being praised by my teachers, and they always did. I don’t really blame a lot of my other teachers, though. I’m weird in the sense that lectures and direct instruction is a really good method for me to learn. I sit there, copy the notes, and hoard said notebooks until I need the information. I haven’t take Algebra since I was 17, but dammit, I still have my notes from College Algebra that I took in high school.

It’s that stigma that only boys have ADHD. I know it is, and it’s not like I was in a district that was socially advanced, if that makes sense. We didn’t even have sex ed. I’m not in the south, either, I’m in Colorado. But, like, I’m kinda bitter? I’m pretty average, as a student, even with the ADHD. I was ranked dead middle in my high school graduating class with a 3.4 GPA. I might have gotten it up to a 3.5, but I don’t remember. And then College happened. All the support fell away, I was independent. I ended my first semester with a 1.1 GPA. It fucking hurt. I came home for Christmas and everyone was telling me to change my major - because obviously if I ended my first semester that badly, it meant I wasn’t interested in it. It didn’t matter that I only had two classes in my major, and one really dealing with what I wanted to study. I got my shit together, and bumped my GPA back up to a 2.1 the next semester.

But, then, it just kinda...I don’t know. Like I dipped low, I skyrocketed, and then I steadily went down again, until I flatlined. Like I said, I skated by in college. I feel like I didn’t put in more effort. Maybe I feel robbed? Like, if I knew I had ADHD, and if I had medication to help me focus a bit, that maybe things would have gone differently? I would have been more at the top of my class in high school, and maybe I would have been able to graduate college with at least a 3.0 gpa and I would have gotten honors and maybe I would be able to get a fucking job right now in the field that I got a degree in? How is it that I’m so bad at this, that I can’t even get a job in a field that is always struggling with getting people?

I don’t know. I’m bitter. I’m angry. I’ve been writing this for an hour. I’m still upset, I suppose, but now I’m just tired, and my hand is cramping up.

That’s another thing that I’ve noticed, over the last few months. I want to create things. I draw, I write and I’ve been designing a video game. I want to release it, but I just...I feel like people don’t care about it. The things I create. I’m not good, I’m not bad. I’m pretty damn average. So it doesn’t stand out. And I feel like - mostly with writing and the game design - that if people aren’t going to enjoy it, then what’s the point in putting in the time and energy to actually develop these things. Like you can say that it’s creating it for me, but I can think about it in my head. I can daydream these things. Giving it corporeal form so I can enjoy these things is pointless. And it’s not like I haven’t tried. I’ll show people are that I’m proud of and get lukewarm responses, or even “It’s creepy” (dear fucking Jesus am i sick of people saying what I create is creepy). Or, I’ll send people a link to the download of the demo of my game and I have gotten no responses. Like, several people have said “Yeah, I’ll play it” and then never do. It’s like, 30 minutes, at most. I’ve timed it, even with killing every single spawn I can. It only takes about 30 minutes.

Dear God, this doesn’t even get into the problems of the world oh my Fucking God.

I feel better after ranting like this. I’m less upset. I’m tired. Though, in the end, nobody really cares, do they?

#tw: mental health #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: depression #tw: self harm

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