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idiopath-fic-smile · 3 years

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hey hi I've been trying to write something, anything, and what came out is like 3k of an extremely stupid supervillain/superhero story that I’d been kicking around in some form like over ten years ago. it doesn’t map onto any kind of an AU so I guess it’s original fiction? enjoy?

Cityton Chronicles, part 1

The problem with carrying out an evil scheme, thought Edmund, was the scheme part.

Anyone could nurse a sinister thought or two; it wasn't that hard to shake one's fist at the sky and murmur, “You'll pay for this. With God as my witness, oh, you will pay” and then maybe cackle a little. That much was child's play. (Literal child's play; he had witnessed more than a few dire pronouncements from his classmates at Hawthorne Grimmsbury's Academy for Ominous Boys, especially when recess was threatened.)

Actually going through with a plan was a whole different story. There were logistics to manage. There were people to manipulate, details to babysit, hypotheticals to anticipate. The nitty-gritty, as it were.

Edmund was not destined for the nitty-gritty.

Although, wasn't that what useless people always said? “I'm more of a big-picture person.” Maybe he was useless. Maybe that was the issue. Maybe Edmund Malarkey, heir to Malarkey Industries, was simply not cut out for masterminding.

Case in point, he had a terrible feeling he was about to make a complete hash of the Ritual.

The parameters were clear enough: full moon—check. Chalk for pentagrams—check. One hundred lit candles—check. (Some were scented; the store hadn't had enough plain tapers in stock, but the text of the Ritual had been written well before the notion of pumpkin spice was a cozy twinkle in some godless marketer's eye, and so Edmund figured this would probably not disqualify him.) Thirteen hooded figures, all in black...

This was where things got dicey.

The first sign of the trouble to come was when Carl showed up in navy fucking blue.

Edmund pinched at the bridge of his nose and sighed loudly, breath crystalline in the late November air. The invitations had been so specific.

“It looked pretty dark online,” Carl offered as the wind whipped at them atop the roof of the Cityton Natural History Museum.

“Pretty dark? Pretty dark? Did it look like the blackest black?” said Edmund. “Did it look like Anish Kapur's most haunting nightmare? Did it look like a raven's wing in shadow at the stroke of midnight, Carl?” Carl stuck out his chin. “It's almost black.”

“Yes, and bananas and humans share about sixty percent of their DNA, we're almost cousins,” Edmund told him, dangerously quiet, “but fortunately for you, I'm not going to peel you and eat you in a fruit salad, you buffoonish optimist.”

Edmund should never have relied upon his father's former henchpeople. They were loyal to his father; they looked upon him with bemused tolerance. He should've just gone ahead and recruited all of the necessary twelve people from Craigslist. He'd held off due to a suspicion that anyone he found on the internet would assume the Ritual was fundamentally a weird sex thing, but at least a bunch of kinksters would have probably taken the rules seriously.

He sighed. “Carl, there's a bodega down on the corner. Go buy two black trash bags and make yourself a garbage-robe.” Carl frowned. “Is there time?”

Edmund checked his phone. Eleven fifty-three. “Hurry. And save the receipt.”

Another gust of wind kicked up. Edmund shivered. He'd been smart enough to request a fabric swatch ahead of time from the Etsy store where he'd custom-ordered his own set of hooded black robes. He hadn't stopped to consider how warm—or not—a single layer of said fabric would feel well into autumn, completely unshielded by the elements. Theoretically, he could've crammed a coat under the robes, like a child wearing a Halloween costume in an unseasonably cold October, but no, he hadn't wanted to look bulky.

He checked the candles again, for want of anything better to do.

“Boss,” said a hesitant voice behind him.

“What is it, Stephanie,” said Edmund.

Stephanie had clearly repurposed her teenager's old Hermione costume as her robes, but she had bothered to remove the Hogwarts branding, which was something, at least. Beyond the fact that Edmund didn't feel like giving a repellent transphobe any extra attention, there might have been copyright issues.

“Is that thing about bananas really true?”

“Yeah,” said Edmund. He had read it many years ago, in a book titled 2002 MORE WACKY FACTS TO BLOW YOUR MIND AND AMAZE YOUR FRIENDS, which didn't seem especially pertinent. He did a quick headcount. Even without Carl, they only numbered eleven. “Where's Donna?”

“You should call her,” said Stephanie. “Donna never answers her texts.”

Edmund had been halfway through tapping out a text. Ugh, Boomers. Calling was for emergencies only; everyone knew that. Unfortunately, this qualified. He gritted his teeth and dialed.

Donna answered on the fourth ring. “What?” She sounded groggy.

“Did you,” said Edmund, still through gritted teeth, “forget what night the Ritual was?”

“Oh shit,” mumbled Donna. “Are you sure? I thought it was at noon tomorrow. Carl told me twelve o'clock.”

“At night,” said Edmund. “Twelve o'clock at night, this is a dark incantation to a primordial god, it does not overlap with daytime television.”

Just then, Edmund's phone beeped with another call. “Can you hold, Donna,” he hissed.

“Hey boss,” said Carl, “the bodega only has white or green trash bags, what's my next step?”

“HOLD,” Edmund shouted, switching calls again. “Donna, can you grab an extremely dark-colored robe and be here immediately?”

“Like a bathrobe?” said Donna, sounding lost.

Of course Carl had not bothered to relay the dress code. Of course he hadn't even managed to hand her the painstakingly crafted invitation. Edmund had used the nicest card stock available to him, not that it mattered.

“Uh, boss?” Leroy called over the roar of the wind. Edmund flexed his stiffening fingers.

“One second, Donna,” said Edmund.

“How much longer is this gonna be?” said Leroy. “Because I was gonna catch the late show tonight—”

“Watch it on YouTube the next day like a normal person!” Edmund snapped. “Donna—”

“I can be there by 12:40,” said Donna through the tinny phone speaker. “There's some errands I wanna run first.”

“It's the middle of the night, what errands!” said Edmund. “Donna, hold—” He switched back to Carl. “Listen, are you sure there aren't any black trash bags?”

“White or green only,” Carl affirmed. “Some of them are scented, do you think that would make a difference?”

“Boss,” said Frank from the other side of the roof, “we lost the chalk?”

“Hold on, Carl,” said Edmund. “What?”

“It was here a second ago!” “Did you secure the chalk against the wind?”

“What?” said Frank.

“The chalk, it's cylindrical!” Edmund managed to shout. “Did you do anything so it wouldn't just roll straight off the roof?”

Somewhere above the din of wind came the sound of a half dozen pieces of sidewalk chalk landing on the street five stories below and shattering.

Edmund buried his (cold) face in his (frozen) hands.

“Uh boss,” said Stephanie. “It's 12:01.”

Edmund sighed. The primordial god K'h'gg'ragel might have allowed for some creative interpretations on Ritual-adjacent matters, but everyone knew K'h'gg'ragel was a stickler for punctuality.

“Alright,” said Edmund, pitching his voice to carry. “Pack it in, we'll try again next full moon.”

“Phew,” said Leroy, who was wearing a thick downy jacket over his robes, and a hat with earflaps, and mittens. “It's cold out.”

“I FOUND A BLUE ONE!” Carl shouted from the speaker. “IS THAT ANY BETTER?”

Edmund turned his phone off.

Lighting and strategically placing one hundred candles had been something of an undertaking. Blowing them all out alone and stuffing them back into a series of duffel bags was somehow worse. Edmund was about half-done when he heard a distinct whirring buzz. He looked up.

It was Dragonfly. Of course it was Dragonfly, heading right for him.

Great. Edmund's first-ever showdown was going to be a one-on-one against a superhero armed with a jetpack, one hell of a punch, and electrified darts. Edmund was going to get flattened, and all before he even got the chance to point out that the darts and for that matter the punching didn't fit with the overall insect theme.

“Hey man,” said Dragonfly, dropping effortlessly down to the roof of the museum. “I saw the lights from the sky, thought I'd investigate.”

They weren't fighting yet. Why weren't they fighting? Edmund's whole body fizzed with adrenaline. Also, cold. Either way, he was shaking a little, and bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“And what, strike another heroic blow against the terror that is a bunch of sweater-themed Yankee Candles?” said Edmund.

Dragonfly shrugged. His costume included a bottle-green moto jacket and gloves. It looked warm, in a way that made Edmund feel even colder. “Sweater candles? What, like burning wool?” he said.

Privately, Edmund had wondered about that too. This, he decided obscurely, was another strike against Dragonfly.

“Maybe burning wool smells phenomenal,” said Edmund instead, rocking forward. “There's no way you could possibly know, unless you're here to tell me you've lit a sheep on fire, which seems well outside your whole—” he waved his hands vaguely “—moral compass.”

“Word travels fast,” said Dragonfly gravely. “I am foursquare against sheep-burning. Always have been.”

Edmund squared his shoulders. “So, are we doing this, or what?”

From behind his signature oversized goggles, Dragonfly's brow seemed to furrow slightly. “Doing what?”

“Fighting,” said Edmund. He had to grind his teeth together to keep them from chattering.

“Ah,” said Dragonfly after a pause. “Oh. Um. Okay. Here's the thing?” He steepled his fingers. “You seem unarmed. You're not hurting anyone. You're also not committing any crimes.” Edmund opened his mouth to protest, and Dragonfly continued, “Or, okay, you're trespassing on the museum, I guess, technically, but it's not like you're even trying to sneak into an exhibit without paying.”

“I am here,” said Edmund firmly, “to perform a terrible and arcane Ritual which will summon—”

“Yeah?” said Dragonfly. “Where's your followers? Where's your summoning chalk? It's well past midnight and the only sign of any occult activity I can see is the candles, but for all I know, you were just up here trying to have a little me-time, which, like, on some level I get, you know?”

“So,” said Edmund blankly, “what now?” He had given up on trying to tense his jaw. His upper and lower teeth clacked rhythmically against each other.

“I give you a stern verbal warning about what's probably a minor fire hazard and recommend that you enjoy the museum from the inside, during business hours, with a ticket,” said Dragonfly. “I hear they have a great exhibit on prehistoric mammals. In the meantime, get somewhere warm, okay? Your lips are turning blue.” “Fuck off,” Edmund more or less managed to say through his shivers.

Dragonfly spread his hands, placating. “Fair enough.” He began to walk away. At the edge of the roof, he hesitated. “Uh, do you have a way down?”

“Obviously,” said Edmund.

“Yeah,” said Dragonfly. “Uh, okay.” They regarded each other. “What is it?” said Dragonfly after a few seconds.

Edmund froze. Or well, he was already half-frozen. Edmund stopped moving, was the point.

Apparently interpreting Edmund's silence as helplessness, Dragonfly offered dubiously, “I could carry you down?”

“How,” said Edmund, flat. It was the wrong thing to say, in that it wasn't 'No,' or 'Fuck off' again, something sensible like that, but damn it, he was freezing, and if he gave up the way he'd gotten everyone onto the roof, then this whole fucking evening was going to be a wash. He had tried so hard. It wasn't fair.

Dragonfly took a step closer. “Fireman or bridal?”

Edmund tried and failed to parse this three separate times in his cold-fuzzed brain. “Is that a meme?” he settled on finally.

“Do you,” said Dragonfly, “have a preference on how I carry you.”

“We haven't even established that you're going to,” Edmund said. Clackity clackity clack went his traitorous teeth.

Dragonfly sighed. “I can't leave you up here,” he said. “One, if I let you keep hanging out on the roof of the history museum, then technically I'm kinda aiding and abetting your whole trespassing situation. Two, it is really fucking chilly up here, and if you freeze to death, then that's on me. Which is also not, like, great for my conscience.”

“So I don't have a choice,” Edmund spat.

“You totally have a choice,” said Dragonfly. He tilted his head to the side. “Hell, you could do me a solid and just exit using whatever secret method you entered with, but I have a feeling mum's the word on that particular angle.”

This Dragonfly character was smarter than he looked. Of course, he was a grown man who fought crime dressed as a giant insect. The bar was not particularly high.

“Mum's the word?” Edmund echoed. “What are you, ninety?”

“I'm an old fucking soul, dude,” said Dragonfly. “Point being, you don't trust me not to watch you leave the roof. Which is hurtful, frankly. I'm not sure I trust you not to stay up here out of pure stubbornness. If I give you a quick boost down, then it's problem solved and we can both go about our nights. Crime-fighting for me, and for you hopefully a pile of blankets and whatever warm food rich people eat. Mashed potatoes? With...caviar?”

This clearly did not merit a response. Dragonfly knew who Edmund was, apparently. Most people did.

“What if you drop me?” said Edmund.

Dragonfly laughed. He had a nice laugh. It was yet another point against him, somehow. “Don't you think that might go against my whole—” he gestured with both hands “moral compass?”

Edmund recognized his own words being used against him. On the other hand, the thought of a hot meal and, moreover, central heating beckoned.

“I don't care,” Edmund said at last.

“What?” said Dragonfly.

“Bridal or fireman's carry,” said Edmund. “I don't care.”

Dragonfly nodded sagely. “Let's get this over with, then,” he said. “Hey, d’you want help with your candles?”

Did he? He didn't want to want help with his candles, but that was another question. On the other hand, if Edmund accepted Dragonfly's aid, it would shave off valuable minutes of this excruciating headache. The backs of Edmund's knees were cold. It was absurd.

“Fine,” said Edmund.

“Huh,” said Dragonfly several minutes later. “This one's rain-scented, and this one's Ocean Spray, and yet they smell nothing alike.”

Dragonfly had without fail commented on every single scented candle in the bunch. Edmund looked up from his umpteenth taper candle, momentarily distracted from the knifelike chill.

“Rain and ocean are two completely different things,” said Edmund. “The surrounding environment, the vibe, the salt content.”

“The vibe, I grant you,” said Dragonfly. “But salt, really? Have you ever smelled salt before?”

“The ocean has a smell,” Edmund insisted. His family had summered on the coast every year before—well. Before last year. He mostly remembered the sea as having a whiff of fish about it, which didn't sound promising for a candle, but it was the principle of the thing.

Dragonfly shrugged. “You've got me there,” he said. “Never been.” Cityton was only about an hour's drive from the beach. Edmund wasn't sure he knew anyone who had never visited at least once, for a long weekend at least. Of course, it wasn't like Edmund knew Dragonfly. He didn't even know what Dragonfly's eyes looked like.

Edmund blew out another few tapers.

“This one's just called Singing Carols,” Dragonfly announced. “Guess what it smells like, I dare you.”

And so on.

In the end, Dragonfly carried Edmund off the roof of the Natural History Museum scooped under the armpits, the way you might hold a cat if you were engaging in some light cat-related horseplay. The mechanical dragonfly wings were well-made, Edmund could admit that much; Dragonfly didn't seem to have any issue bearing Edmund's weight or the combined weight of the candles, and their feet gently touched the ground after only a few seconds. It was already slightly warmer—or at least slightly less freezing—on street-level.

Dragonfly let go and stepped back immediately. This close, Edmund could see that his lips were pretty badly chapped. It made sense that someone who donated all their time to—again—flitting around town trying to right every minuscule so-called wrong while dressed like a bug wouldn't be experienced enough with self-care to be acquainted with a good lip balm, but the thought made Edmund weirdly a little sad.

His sense of deeply ingrained politeness warred against the equally powerful urge to be a real bastard about the whole thing. In the end, politeness won out, by the very skin of its mannerly little teeth.

“Thank you for not dropping me to my almost certain death,” Edmund gritted out with extreme reluctance. He stared over Dragonfly's shoulder as he said it.

Nevertheless, for some awful reason, for just that moment, it felt a little like the end of a date.

“Right,” said Dragonfly. “Right. Well then. Happy trails.” He seemed to consider this. “Or you know, if doing crimes is what makes you happy, then for the sake of Cityton, let's say, mediocre trails. Do you wanna borrow my gloves?”

“Why,” said Edmund flatly.

Even though the goggles completely obscured much of the upper half of Dragonfly's face, Edmund had the distinct sense that a disbelieving stare was being leveled at him.

“For your hands? You know, the traditional office of gloves?”

As the scion of Malarkey Industries, Edmund was long accustomed to being hated for who he was. Hated, feared, not-too-secretly envied. And lately: mocked, dismissed, his family name transmuted into a juicy, low-hanging punchline for lazy late night writers.

He wasn't sure he'd ever been pitied before. It did not sit well.

“I'll warm my hands on the fires of hell while I plot your demise, you miserable fool,” growled Edmund.

“Yikes,” said Dragonfly easily. “Well, I'm off.” And with that, he took to the sky.

Edmund curled his fingers into the sleeves of his stupid, summer-weight summoner's robes and started back towards what remained of his home.

#original fiction #cityton chronicles #I'm sure that in some obscure way the fact that I'm thinking about this now is due to mainlining The Untamed #but this is definitely. not that.#warning for an extremely brief mention of transphobia that the main character condemns #also apparently there is a dragonfly-themed superhero in a 2008 superhero spoof movie?#let's say that movie exists in this world too and Dragonfly has taken a lot of shit for it #that sounds about right

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starkeaton · 4 years

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the adventure zone: graduation character list

Well, i accidentally deleted the original graduation character list post, so here i am making another one. Oops. And as always, if anyone has important details i should add then feel free to suggest them!

Here are all the characters introduced in episodes 1-25. Named characters only!

Also i can’t hide spoilers! So, um..... I can’t put spoilers on this one. If you need the version with spoilers try this version of the post that i made on the adventure zone subreddit but youre not missing out on much.

# -EPISODE 1- (19 characters)

Hieronymous Wiggenstaff (he/him): Head of the Hero/Villain school. at least 400 years old. wears shining blue armor with gold accents. also an elf. according to Tomas, he led the charge at the "battle of blood valley", brought the Kingdoms of Rickart and Dawnbreak to a peace treaty, and founded the school. a little boastful, a little prideful, [SPOILERS OMITTED], and overall a pretty good dude.

Higglemas Wiggenstaff (he/him): Head of the Sidekick/Henchperson annex, cranky old elf. has a dog named hero who shows no signs of anything strange at all, ever.

Gary (he/him): friendly room gargoyle. pseudo-hivemind.

Groundsy (he/him): the groundskeeper. a pretty nice fellow. don't go in his shed.

Hernandez (he/him): beautiful centaur professor of animal handling.

Jimson (he/him): human battlegrounds trainer for sidekicks/henchpeople, world famous featherweight champion, wields a staff. married to crushman.

Crushman (he/him): silver dragonborn with a sickle, and self-described beefy boy! heavyweight blood champion married to jimson. never lost a match for 8 years. full name Frostus Crushman.

Rolandus Fontaine (he/him): former prince, son of deposed king, kind of an asshole, maybe. wears a cape (important detail)

Zana (she/her): "terrifying" tiefling villain sorcerer, friend of rolandus. barkept the test tavern in ep2

Rhodes (she/her): hero ranger, friend of rolandus.

Buckminster Eden (he/him): hero guy. son of "The Iron Lord". their dad is stronger than rolandus's dad. his wiki page says rogue so i think hes a rogue? i never caught that and ive listened more times than i wish i did

Leon (he/him): softspoken buff, bald "fighter" (although i dont remember any clarification on how exactly he fights), sidekick of buckminster, around 28. anyone else keep forgetting he's bald? i keep forgetting it. >!gets sorta-drafted into becoming a falcon for higglemas and so far hasn't done much else.!<

Rainer Michelle (she/her): cheerful villainous necromancer with a floating chair. also, her name is pronounced "rainier" despite not being confirmed as such? travis ships her with fitzroy.

Tomas (he/him): human man with "kind eyes" and a good (psychic???) memory. guidance counselor.

Stewart LeBoeuf (he/him): brawny human man. serves food. there is no joke here, i promise

Mulligan (he/him): teaches potions. mentioned but doesn't appear yet. and we're like 25 episodes in. maybe we'll see him someday

Germaine, Victoria, Rattles (he/him,she/her,???/???): Skeleton crew. They live in the training room i guess, and as a result can never die, because "no one dies in the training room!" (note: someone now HAS to die in the training room). also their races are never explicitly stated but i guess they're probably human? in episode 3 travis brings up something about how many bones are in "the human body" and at this point i think i'm looking too deep into this so i'll just forget about it and you probably should too.

# -EPISODE 2- (9 characters)

Riveau (he/him): halfling, blame-taking teacher.

Mimi (they/them): gnome sidekick who builds cool robot prosthetics

Bartholemus (he/him): owl aarakocra accountant teacher, known for being the best accountant in the land and having a face some might describe as "smoochable". very pro capitalist :’( hope he gets better

Ramos (she/her): goliath teacher of shieldwork. *

Dip (she/her): sidekick, half-orc twin of pip

Pip (she/her): hero, half-orc twin of dip

Festo (they/them): fairy with "beautiful gossamer wings", independent study teacher of magic, loves to party

Snippers (he/him?): Let me tell you my story about Snippers the magic crab. When Travis gave the list of animals that Griffin could choose as Fitzroy's familiar's current form, he listed crab near the start, and this gave me excitement. Now i knew that crab was pretty unlikely but god i hoped that he would choose it. When the list went on- Bat, Cat, Crab, Frog, Hawk, Lizard, Owl, Poisonous Snake, Fish, Rat, Raven, Seahorse, Spider or Weasel- I nearly lost hope. I was hoping so hard that Griffin would choose the crab, but i was ready to accept a non-crab familiar. It was just buried in that list. It wasn't the most useful animal and it was an obscure pick. And as Travis informed him that it didn't have to keep the form for the whole campaign, Griffin said those five words i wanted to hear so, so badly. "Well then it's a crab." Folks, I do not often react physically when something happens in media. But in that moment, i remember very clearly, i fist-pumped and yelled, "YES!!!!!!"

so anyway, Fitzroy has a crab.

Jackle (he/him): kenku teacher of sneakery. creepy dude. apparently knows something about argo? also his name is not spelled "jackal" for some reason. Also in later episodes theyve started calling him "The Jackle" for some reason??? *

# -EPISODE 3- (1 character)

Dakota (they/them): tavern instructor, clad in black/red leather. no race stated? probably human. *

# -EPISODE 4- (6 characters)

Gerry & Tom (she/her, he/him): shopkeepers at barns and nobles who seem to have very bad names. also constantly competing for customers? these guys got dropped faster than the heathcliff quests, which is honestly just sad.

Barb (she/her): the bartender. runs Springs Eternal in Last Hope. has a sweet seeing-eye hawk familiar.

Jaryd Reginald (he/him): owner of Reginald Ore. Wants the workers to be held responsible for the damage caused by the xorn. (fun fact: originally i wrote down "Jerrod" because i wanted it to sound like a fantasy name, then realized it was probably "Jared" because theyre named after listeners, but i was pleased to find it confirmed that it's actually "Jaryd")

Candice (she/her): A Miner. thought those werent allowed in bars but, i guess not. Wants the mine owner to be held responsible for the xorn's damage.

Jade Johnson Esq. (she/her): lawyer.

# -EPISODE 5- (1 character)

Xorn: a big hungry gem eating guy from the plane of earth Low-Down Deep with 3 arms and 3 legs. why did travis just say "multi-armed" instead of specifying it was 3? who knows! Anyway it leaves

# -EPISODE 6- (3 characters)

Osric (he/him): the man, the myth, the bursar. finally shows up after being mentioned in episodes 2 and 4. he's an elf.

breeze through the willows (she/her): Pegasus attacked by demons, lost her parents. introduced in ep1 but gets a name here so fuck it. also in ep>!16!< we find out shes a "white arabian pegasus" and i dont think thats a spoiler bc we shouldve really known it from the beginning

Sabor (he/him): Librarian/research teacher. also a TORTLE. Really good at recalling stuff, i guess. kinda reminds me of Tomas's memory thing but i'm sure that's just a coincidence... *

# -EPISODE 7- (1 character)

Mosh (he/him): The goliath blacksmith who welcomes argo into the unbroken chain. Also, and this is specific to the tumblr version of this post, all the characters with an * at the end of their descriptions are also members of the unbroken chain. if someone knows how to do spoilers on tumblr please tell me

# -EPISODE 8-

# -EPISODE 9- (2 characters)

Eeiïäá#æ&éñn (pronounced like "Ian") (he/him?): an imp but without a shitty voice. also happens to not be violent. what a coincidence?

Terence (he/him): a chain devil with a real demonic name. minor boss of the imps. very convincing and very threatening. has the frightening ability to make you zone out during his fight

# -EPISODE 10- (2 characters)

Althea Song (she/her): elf with autumn-orange hair. representative from heroic oversight guild. i'd like to personally thank travis for spelling her name out.

Crabtree (she/her): Artificing teacher. Long gray hair with a long grey beard. no mentioned race, one might guess dwarf but that would be an assumption i suppose. also unbroken chain member, presumably the dwarf argo didn't recognize in episode 7.

# -EPISODE 11- (3 characters)

Marie (she/her): Grey-haired elf woman. She's the school's physician, i guess. Member of the unbroken chain.

Dendra Maplecourt (she/her): Fitzroy's mom. Has hot mint gum, i guess. She was mentioned earlier but i wasn't convinced she was a real person until this episode

Cool Gary (he/him): AYY ITS ME GARYR

# -EPISODE 12-

no new characters again!

# -EPISODE 13- (7 characters hhhyyyuu)

Kale (???/???): Head of the Placement Department, in charge of real world assignments. First mentioned in Ep4 but i missed that the last few times bc it is so brief. Gives exposition about missions i guess????? is that the only reason this chara cter exists

satyr thief (unnamed) (he/him): tries to rob thundermen, dies instantly

Ogre (he/him): teamed up with the satyr. his name is ogre.

Moon (he/him): A Sidekick. small pale sullen guy. no mentioned race. Why is there another FUCKING sidekick WE HAD ENOUGH hhhyuuuuuu

Deanna (she/her): A bigoted centaur with an obnoxious voice. Malwin the Strong's second in command.

Malwin the Strong (she/her): Leader of the centaurs of the scarlet woods. Wants to appease the spirit of the scarlet woods so that thecentaurs of the scarlet woods will be protected in the scarlet woods. Had a relationship with Arturas in the past but their clashes are currently known to get pretty heated.

Arturas (he/him): Leader of the Centaurs of the Valley, i guess. Had a relationship with Malwin. Centaur. Did i mention centaur? i cant think of anything else about this character

# -EPISODE 14- (2 characters)

Calhain (he/him): Human wizard, Malwin's magical advisor. Kind of an amateur wizard in a job high above his skill level. Graduated Wigginstaff's as a hero.

Spirit of the Scarlet Woods: A spirit who requires sacrifice in order to keep Malwin's herd safe and prosperous. Not keen on dubiously canonical combos, i guess. i wouldnt be either. also apparently the sacrifice depends on personal value, not how much value it has to the spirit.

# -EPISODE 15- (2 characters)

Sylvia Nite (she/her): Fitzroy's magic theory teacher at knight night school, who he turned into a catfish by accident. oops!

Chaos (they/them, maybe more): Presumably a deity, gave Fitz his powers and wants him to give in to his chaotic desires. (physical desc: 9 foot tall, iridescent 'mother of pearl' skin, pure white eyes, fine burgundy cloak with gold/onyx lining. their physical form beyond that seems to change every time they show up.)

# -EPISODE 16-

none -w-

# -EPISODE 17-

some demins happened. the big dudes are called "Pit Fiends" and the armored demon ladies are called "Erinyes", by the way. that was incredibly hard for me to figure out the first time, especially without headphones, i thought travis was saying "pig feet" and i just could not discern what the other things were

# -EPISODE 18- (6 characters)

snow on the mountain: shire horse pegasus

storm at sea: peruvian paso pegasus, vehement defender of The Guardian. doesn't have a goofy voice.. but he could have....

thaw of the spring: a winged horse

night of no clouds: a winged hhorse

The Guardian: "An ancient and powerful being that guards the unknown forest." Has protected the flock from demons for many many years. apparently is the voice that was talking to our firbolg in episode 1?

Grey, the Demon Prince (he/him): wants to cause a war, originally wanted to kill hiero and higgs, forces the heroes to build an army to fight his. As "Fauxronimous", he has skin the *color and pattern of* (but not necessarily made of) slate splashed with liquid, pointed ears, sharp teeth, shining eyes, horns of unspecified shape. 12 fucking feet tall. wonder if the slate-looking skin is related to garys. plot twist detected? Also i recently looked at the episode descriptions and found out his name is spelled "Gray", but really does it truly matter?

# -EPISODE 19- (2 characters)

Shabree Keene (she/her): Argo's mom, killed on the Mariah, possibly by the Commodore. Long auburn hair, green eyes. Mentioned earlier but described here, so fuck it.

**Thomas** (he/him): Argo's first mate on the Mariah, as the Kraken, in his chaos-dream. may or may not actually exist.

# -EPISODE 20- (1 character)

The Commodore (he/him): Reknowned hero of the seas, military regalia, great naval hero, presumably responsible for the death of Shabree Keene. No mentioned race. Seriously, they never mention this guy's race. The only thing described about him is how he's dressed and his evil smile. Does that mean he's human? Elf? Dwarf??? Who knows! maybe it just doesnt matter.

# -EPISODE 21-

none

# -EPISODE 22-

not any of them. not any.

# -EPISODE 23- (1 character)

Ozymondelius (sp???) (it/its): A warforged teacher who just so happens to like war or something? i guess its in the name. only mentioned in this episode, doesnt show up yet.

# -EPISODE 24-

they have a fight in the training room but nobody dies :\\ maybe next time. also no new characters. pog

# -EPISODE 25- (4 characters)

Gherkin (he/him): Tall lankier skeleton, has a scimitar and a merkin, which is a pubic wig... and he wears a jerkin? which i guess is a kind of coat? also i think hes mute

Tibia (she/her?) : Shorter skeleton with gold teeth, and long canines. i think both of the skeletons are mute actually.

The Lich King aka Gordy (he/him): Rainer's dad. Commands armies of the undead. lives in The Crypt. described as a hooded, skull-faced man with intricate black lines on his face, but changes to a shaved-head man with dark skin and vetiligo. Abandoned as a babby, raised by traveling parents, had necromancy powers, took Rainier in. Not actually very scary at all i don't know why he did the creepy laugh. Kind of a warm fatherly figure actually. hm. also people are speculating Gordy might be short for Gordita and his parents are maybe supposed to be lup and barry but THAT S JUST A THEORY.

our firbolg's father (he/him): A firbolg who lived by the code and was there when our firbolg was banished. Came to respect our firbolg's interest in a new way of life, in his final moments.

TOTAL: 72 NPCS! (well, including 2 extra PCs, i guess.)

Average: 2.88 NPCs per episode.

i was gonna not include the bone-PCs and have it be 69 but our firbolg's dad was just too important to not respect with a spot on the list.

anyway as always make sure to smack me with a blunt object if i forgot any characters!!!!!

#the adventure zone #taz #taz: graduation #taz g #sir fitzroy maplecourt #argonaut keene #taz firbolg #i dunno what else to tag this with #text post #keatposting

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unfortunate-stranger-losers · 4 years

Photo

All Those Things They Couldn’t Say - A Runaway Baudelaires AU

{ao3} {tumblr} {masterlist}

Chapter Forty-Two - The Heimlich Hospital Fire

It was a few hours later when the henchpeople came for their prisoners. When they came Bertrand and Beatrice were still sobbing, and Quigley was as close to them as he could get, though also curled into a ball on the floor and holding himself, trying to block out the rest of the world. When Beatrice realized there were people in the room, she broke away from her husband, whom she’d been holding, and started screaming and hurling herself at them. They were all a bit concerned, but eventually Olaf came in, angrily informing them that Esme was setting up and they’d have to hurry. When he came, Beatrice looked at him with absolute fire, but she also froze over, the pain in her foot shooting towards her, so by the time Olaf had pulled her back and gotten the handcuffs on it was too late to do much other than glare and cry.

Her and Bertrand were handcuffed before removed from the wall, and some kind of gag thrown over their mouths. They heard orders and threats whispered around them- don’t make any noise, we’ll give you something to cry about if you don’t shut up, but they barely processed enough to get moving when Olaf gave a kick to Bertrand’s shins to get him to move. He glanced back, too, just once as they left the room, and saw Fernald and the Henchperson heading for Quigley. Something in him calmed slightly when he saw the Henchperson gently touch the boy’s shoulder, whispering something cautious to him, but that thought was gone when he was pushed through the door, and he lost sight of the child.

Once in the hall, they were moved to another room, where they had some drug or another injected into them- they thought for a while it was the knockout, but after a few minutes their heads got too bleary, and yet their eyes remained open; some kind of opiate, likely. Enough to keep them sedated and unable to do much fighting, but only just enough that they remained awake to see what would happen.

They lost track of what was happening next- they might’ve been moved again, might’ve been pushed, might’ve been hurt. They only remembered a few things- their minds flashed to Violet, wherever she was, trapped and alone, and how they had to find a way to save her, she was their daughter they had to find her. Then they flashed to Quigley- was he still in the cellar? What had they done to him? And Klaus and Sunny, lost and alone and in so much danger. And at one point, Bertrand managed to slide his hand into his wife’s. They noticed that.

Then when they gained their attention back, they were being put somewhere- beneath bleachers, Beatrice guessed, she’d been on a soccer team in her youth and remembered hiding under the bleachers to make out with Lemony, and thus recognized the thin strips of light between each row, the thumps and clangs as people started going up and down the seats. Their handcuffs were chained around a support beam, meaning the two of them were a few feet too far from each other. Beatrice didn’t like that, but even if the drugs and the gag weren’t keeping her from voicing her displeasure, the pain that would jolt across her whole body reminded her to keep her mouth shut and her head low.

When they looked ahead, they could see just enough through the rows to see the room they were in. The hospital’s operating theatre, apparently- large, circular, with crumbling gray walls and a stage just in their viewpoint. They heard a clacking of heels as Esme stepped onstage, waving to the viewers as if they were her delighted fans, and a rolling of wheels as a gurney was pushed onstage. And they both felt their hearts sink as, squinting through the bleachers, they saw their daughter, atop the table. Her hands were strapped to the sides with rope, her legs bound together, and her hair had fallen over her face. Even from the distance, they could tell she looked pale, and was breathing too slowly.

Bertrand started to cry again, and Beatrice held still. She could sense someone behind them- Olaf? Another henchperson to guard? Probably Olaf, he loved to watch them suffer. The rest of the troupe was probably scattered around the theatre, waiting for the trap to begin.

And begin it did, as Esme threw up her arms and said, “Friends and enemies, welcome to the Heimlich Hospital Operating Theatre! I am your Nurse, and once our brilliant doctors arrive, we will begin our cranioectomy! The world’s first cranioectomy, attempted on a teenage girl who was all too happy to volunteer.”

The Baudelaire parents were nearly deafened by cheers from the rows above them. Beatrice wondered if they’d be heard over these people even without the gag. She glanced from side to side, trying to sharpen her mind and knock off the opiate, to figure out a way out. Bertrand, meanwhile, kept his teary eyes locked on Violet.

That was, until the door opened. They heard the slam, and Beatrice jumped with surprise, and Bertrand shut his eyes for a second, trying to stop the flow of panicked tears.

“And right on cue.” Esme said, her voice low and sweet. “Our wonderful doctors, here to do their job.”

Beatrice looked to Bertrand, who still had his eyes shut, and then tuned back towards the stage, trying to peer through. She’d gotten pretty good at looking through bleachers, in case her and Lemony heard something and wanted to make sure they weren’t about to be surprised. Tears sprang to her eyes again as images of Lemony flashed before her, and she struggled to focus.

“These two associates of mine,” Esme was saying, as they heard more nervous footsteps on the stage, “Are Doctor Tocuna and Nurse Flo. Why don’t you give them a big, wonderful welcome?”

How could she enjoy this so much? Beatrice wondered as the crowd thundered with applause above and around them. Why would she enjoy causing innocent children to suffer? She peered through the bleachers again and felt her heart stop as she saw the careful shoes of one of the “doctors” approach- oh, God. Oh, Klaus, run, please…

“Now, as you know,” Esme said, and they heard a paper unrolling- she must be showing a poster, just out of their sight, “A cranioectomy- Nurse Flo, hold this knife and stand over the body. Make sure everyone can see the knife, alright?” A bit of a pause, and then a laugh. “Yes, wouldn’t want that to slip in front of everyone, would you?”

Beatrice lost sight for a moment as someone in the bleachers leaned down to whisper something to the person in front of them. Beatrice strained at the pole, hoping they’d hear the chains clanking, but they did not, and when they sat up, she only had sight of Esme and a figure behind the gurney. A knife was held above Violet’s body, as if floating. Her whole body tensed up and she felt so, so cold.

“So, as I was saying,” Esme continued, “A cranioectomy is a procedure in which the patient’s head is removed. Scientists have discovered that many health problems are rooted in the brain, so that the best thing to do with a sick patient is remove it. However, a cranioectomy is as dangerous as it is necessary. There is a chance that our dear, ugly little Laura V Bleediotie…” Esme’s heels clanked as she stepped in front of the gurney, leaning on it and likely smirking down at Violet’s unconscious face. “Well, she could very well die while the operation is being performed. But sometimes one must risk accidents in order to cure illness. Isn’t that right, Doctor?”

There was a pause, and then a shaky voice. “Of course it’s right, Nurse. A patient’s death would be a terrible accident. One might think we’d want to wait until-”

“No waiting necessary. This is as safe as it will get.” As Esme threw her hand out, Bertrand shot a quick look to Beatrice. She returned it, her heart pounding. “Come along then, Doctor. Once this is done, we can move on to our next location. To perform more cranioectomies for more distinguished hospitals.”

“Yes…”

“To more patients, some of them much bigger than others- wouldn’t you like to meet such patients-”

“Yes, yes!”

“Well, then, why don’t you begin? Slice around her neck- no, Nurse, knife in view. That’s the point of an operating theatre, so everyone can see everything.”

“We know what an operating theatre is. But my associate cannot hold her hand up forever.”

“Well, then, you take the knife from her and cut off her head. We don’t want…” a threatening step forward. “We don’t want any accidents to happen. Someone’s head exploding, for instance. Or too much loss of blood. Or someone to walk in and see who is here, hm?”

“Of course, Nurse.”

“Now, tell your Nurse to give you the knife so you can give these fine people a show, and then you can leave. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Beatrice and Bertrand shared another look as Esme walked a little forwards, spreading her arms for another audience cheer. Though it was hard to see each other in the dark, they could tell they were thinking the same thing. And when they glanced back, they were just in time to see a knife- very, very slowly- cut through the rope between Violet’s legs, before the “nurse” returned to her station behind the gurney.

“Now.” Esme turned, smiling. “Nurse Flo, could you…”

She paused, and Beatrice almost smiled, then. Her face, which had been triumphant, taunting, now just showed confusion.

There was a long silence, as she stepped forwards, her heels clicking again. Then she pointed a shaky finger at the nurse, and said, “Weren’t you… shorter?”

The Nurse looked at her, and then smiled.

“It may not be particularly wise,” she said, her voice rising in the suddenly quiet theatre.

And with that, the Doctor took another knife from his pocket and cut through the bonds trying Violet’s hands.

“But it’s a thrill to be disguised.”

And with that, the girl grabbed the end of the gurney, tossed her knife at Esme, who only barely managed to dodge, and shouted, “Stranger Danger!”

The boy hopped on the edge of the gurney, ripping his surgeon’s mask from his face, and called out, “That’s all, folks!”

And then the boy took off running.

Beatrice tried to let out a muffled cheer, but was unable to even make much noise before another knockout drug was jammed into her arm.

“Hurry it up, we haven’t got all day!” Duncan shouted.

“I’m sorry, do you want to push a gurney with two people on it?” Isadora called as she ran the gurney into a door, throwing the doors open.

“We agreed that I physically could not, which is why you are here.”

“Then don’t judge, and let’s hurry it up!”

Duncan nodded, and then slowly lifted Violet, repositioning her so that he could see her face. “Violet, come on. Wake up. Violet…”

His plan had worked so far, but that didn’t mean it was smooth sailing from here. But it really was their best bet- Olaf’s troupe was expecting a boy and a toddler, not a boy and his triplet sister who could easily get a gurney off a stage. Klaus and Sunny were outside, getting their ride, and as soon as they bust through the front doors…

“Attention!”

Isadora nearly froze, leaping with shock as Olaf’s cold voice rang out across the speakers. But even as she kept running, she and her brother heard the announcement, ringing clear as day.

“The Library of Records has, unfortunately, set on fire. The blaze was believed to have been begun by five midget children, at least three of whom are in the hospital right now. A reward will be given to those who apprehend these arsonists. Oh, also, you’re… probably going to want to evacuate the patients or something.”

“Oh, well, that’s just peachy!” Isadora groaned, and she turned a bend so sharply with the cart that it rattled, nearly falling over.

“Watch the wheels!”

“I’m trying!”

Duncan opened his mouth to retort, until he saw a slight stirring under his eyes. He looked down, beaming. “Violet! Violet, wake up, we’re almost out!”

She was fidgeting slightly, her mouth curled in a look of discomfort. He lifted her and managed to hold her as best he could as the cart rattled through, and Isadora reached the stairwell. “Okay, we’re gonna have to carry her down, there’s no elevator in this place.”

“Also you shouldn’t use elevators in a fire. You could get stuck.”

“Duncan, just help me.”

Duncan nodded and slid from the gurney, flinching as he hit the ground. He managed to pull Violet a little off the table, just enough for Isadora to grab the unconscious teenager and throw her over her shoulders.

“You got her?”

“Yeah. Get the door?”

Duncan held open the door, waited for Isadora to go, and then the two of them charged down, taking the steps three at a time if need be, almost sliding into the walls with how fast they were moving.

Violet blinked open her eyes when they reached the second floor landing, but she didn’t manage to speak until they were halfway down the stairs. “Wh-what the… what?”

“Violet!” Duncan cheered, as jumped down to the first floor. “You’re awake!”

“Wh- what ha- why were you- what?”

“Don’t talk, you are probably still on a lot of drugs.” Isadora said. Duncan ran for the door, and she kept to his heels. “You’re going to be okay, just-”

Duncan opened the door, and they instantly ducked down as a giant plume of smoke burst over their heads.

“Fuck!” Isadora shouted, ducking down just before her or Violet could breathe it in. Duncan threw himself to the ground, shouting as he hit the floor but still instinctively throwing his arms over himself.

“Okay, okay, new plan.” Isadora muttered. She knelt down, struggling to hold Violet’s weight like this, and peering through the smoke. “Vi-girl, can you move?”

Violet blinked. “What’s going on?”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“Wh-where’re- where’re-”

“Klaus and Sunny are outside, we need to crawl just a few feet. We’re close to the entrance.” Isadora promised. “Duncan, we- Duncan!”

Duncan was still curled on the ground, and when he glanced up at her, Isadora saw the panic in his eyes.

“Is- Isa- Isa it’s- it’s the fire again- it’s a fire again it’s so much smoke we have to- we have to run- why did we let Dad go back for Quigley and Mom, why couldn’t we- why-”

Isadora froze, and then her heart broke.

She scooted over, managing to maneuver a hand over her triplet’s shoulder. “We’re not home, Duncan. We have to run.”

“I- I can’t go out there-”

“You can.” Isadora said, her voice breaking. “Duncan Dylan Quagmire, we are not dying here. We have to get to Klaus and Sunny and get Violet out of here.”

Duncan opened his mouth, glancing between Isadora and Violet on her shoulders. “I…” he started to cry, but he nodded. “I just-”

“If I recall correctly- and I’m no Quigley, but I’m pretty good with directions-” Isadora said, “We should just have one turn on the hall before we reach the exit. To the right. Do you think you can grab my foot?”

“What?”

“I’m going to go through with my head low, to avoid the smoke. You can crawl because you’re not carrying a human person, but you could hold on to me so we don’t split. Can you do it?”

Duncan hesitantly nodded, then grabbed Isadora’s ankle.

“Let’s go.” she said. “Violet, hold on.”

Violet mumbled something and fluttered her eyes shut, and Isadora took off. She moved as fast as she dared with her friend on her back and her brother grabbing at her foot, taking several steps forward and ducking as low as she could. She glanced up every now and again, when she thought it was safe, to see where the smoke was blowing. Hopefully she would be able to tell when the hall ended… wait, better idea. She scooted slightly to the side, moving the group until she could see the thin wall beside her. She picked up the pace some more, and moved until she saw the wall turn into a corner.

“We’re gonna turn!” she had to shout, as there were sounds of screaming coming from every other hall, the pounding of the smoke bursting past, and what sounded like an alarm, somewhere in the distance.

She turned, and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the front doors of the hospital were open, letting enough smoke out that she could stand a bit more upright. Duncan carefully got to his feet beside her, and Violet muttered something about being able to stand if they held her arms, though they didn’t have time to move her until someone turned around.

“Hey! Are those the arsonist kids?”

Shit.

Isadora shook her head, wordless terror gripping her, and Duncan grabbed her arm.

Someone started towards them, and then suddenly, there was a burst of smoke before them. Duncan and Isadora jumped, terror hitting them as people starting running and shouting that the fire reached us, keep going!

When the smoke in front of them cleared, however, they saw no fire, but just Klaus, Sunny in one arm and the other hand outstretched.

“Smokebomb!” he called. “Violet!”

Isadora ran to him, and he helped her get Violet down, both of them putting an arm under her while Duncan took Sunny. “What are you doing?” he asked. “We said to wait outside!”

“That was before the hospital caught fire!”

“You could get hurt!”

“And so could you!” Duncan reminded him.

“Eyi!” Sunny groaned. “Argue when we’re not in a burning building, please.”

They nodded, and started rushing out the doors, eventually managing to mingle among a crowd outside. Duncan grabbed Klaus’s free arm, making the children a decent chain, and Klaus managed to direct them to the street, where a white van had parked half-hazardly against the curb.

“I’ll drive, get her and Sunny in the backseat.” he said.

They nodded and Duncan raced to the door, throwing it open. Isadora leapt in, helping Violet up and laying her down on the seat. Duncan passed Sunny to her and then ran to the shotgun seat. Once his door was closed, he said, “What’re we doing now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Where are we going?”

“I don’t know.” Klaus turned in his seat, eyes scanning over the girls. “Violet, are you okay? What’s wrong? What did he do?”

Violet blinked and shook her head to clear it. Sunny reached over, putting a tiny hand on her hair, helping to push it back.

“I-” Violet shook slightly. “I- Klaus, we-”

Duncan glanced out the window, and then said, “Duck!”

They all ducked down without question, and when Klaus plucked up the courage to peer up, he saw the Hook-Handed Man, carrying something large in his arms, rush to a black car, parked close to the building.

“We need to go before they see us.” Klaus muttered. “Or before the owner of this car finds it.”

“We could wait til they drive and go in the opposite direction.” Duncan suggested.

Violet shook her head, and sat up a bit more; Isadora threw out an arm to put around her. “N-no…”

“No?” Klaus looked back at her, panic in his eyes.

“No.” she shook her head, and then managed to say, “I- we have to follow him.”

“Are you insane?” Isadora snapped.

“She’s drugged.” Duncan reminded her.

Violet shook her head, grabbing Sunny’s hand. “I- I can think straight for now, I think. I… we have to go after him.”

“Violet, we are not-”

“Klaus.” Violet turned to him, and blinked away tears. “He has our parents.”

“Violet, I know-”

“They’re here.”

Klaus froze.

Sunny was the one who spoke next. “Amop?” “You saw them?”

Violet shuddered and nodded.

“They’re here. And- and someone else, I think- he has them and we need to get them out-”

Klaus shook his head. “He’ll notice us following him.”

“We’ll keep our distance. Or we can slash his tires or something.” Violet said. She pulled her hair back, thinking hard. “Once his car’s stopped, we get our parents and kill him.”

“Violet-”

“I know what he can do, Klaus.” Violet said. Slowly, she held up her hand, and Klaus jumped to see a new, fresh slash across her palm. “I know. He’s a monster.” she shook, and then shut her eyes. “So we have to get our parents out of there. We have to kill him before he can kill anyone else.”

Klaus looked between the Quagmires. After a second, Isadora’s eyes hardened, and she nodded. Duncan sighed, shrugged, and said, “Yeah, let’s go murder the ass.”

Finally, he looked to Sunny, and Sunny gave him a smile and a thumbs-up.

“Sometimes I worry about you.” Klaus said to the toddler, who stuck out her tongue.

As he shifted the car into Drive, watching the window for when the black car would drive off, Sunny reached to the ground and flipped up the top pouch of Klaus’s bag.

“File.” she said.

Violet blinked in confusion, and then realized and smiled.

“We have the file.” she whispered, as Klaus hit the gas. “The Baudelaire file.”

#asoue #asoue netflix #a series of unfortunate events #runaway baudelaires au #asoue fanfiction #the hostile hospital #all those things they couldn't say #mine #my fanfic

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