Random Things 035/Dyo Says In His Sleep

Before we begin, for the record 035 on a humanoid body does sleep. He also says some strannge ass things while sleeping. As his 'brain' is anomalous, it gets weird. And now... Dyo's Greatest Hits.

"I'd like to thank the Academy, but you're a bunch of talentless hacks. Goodnight, and come up with an original idea for once."

"Doctor... is that a syringe in your hand, or are you happy to see me?"

"Banana? Honey, I'm the whole fruit stand."

"Roses? For me? You do care, 682!"

"I could totally pull off the seashell bra. I'll prove it." A pause. "On second thought... this damned thing is impractical and uncomfortable. And I kinda like pain."

"My queen, that wig is too much. And why make those poor canaries suffer in that dreadful mess?"

"What do we do every night? Try to break out of containment and take over the world. Do keep up, old chap."

"I'm sorry I said that loincloth makes your ass look big. Will you kindly stop hitting me with a fishing rod, 076-2?"

"Cargo shorts? Dr. Clef, you disappoint me."

"What do you mean, 'sarcasm and pessimism will not look good on your performance review'? I'm not even employed here."

"No, as tempting as naked yoga sounds, I just don't like you, Dr. Bright."

"Hey, hey, hey! Party Keter in the house, yo!" A brief pause. "Fine. I am never saying that again."

"Cactus Man! Cactus Man! Does everything a cactus can. Look out! Here comes the Cactus Man." A minute passes. "Please don't sue us."

"Okay, this is now serious. They brought lawyers."

"Those boots, with that skirt? Tres impractical, my dear."

"Hob and Morpheus are spot on, Shakespeare's a twink. And had legs like a anorexic chicken. Tights... did not flatter him in the least. The Plague Doctor can confirm."

"I met Madame Shelly, a rather charming young lady. Keen intellect, warm smile, and impeccable fashion sense. Not my type, but very lovely. She used to tell the best stories."

"Meh. 'Archeologist' is just the socially acceptable way of saying 'tomb raider' or 'grave robber' in my opinion. Even if what he found went to a museum, Indiana Jones still stole relics from various cultures and sold them for profit."

"You want me to wear clothes? Turn. On. The. Air. Conditioning. It's over 85 degrees in here, and so humid if I had hair it would frizz."

"Donut. It takes some stones to wear pink armor. You're a badass Spartan. Own. The. Armor! Flaunt it! Yeah! Pink and proud, baby!"

"Ooh! Look at the big, strong, scary SuperTyrant in his precious little fedora and trenchcoat. As dumb as this thing is... it's got style. It's a massive bullet sponge from bioweapon hell, but done with actual taste."

"Do I have to share with... HIM? But... he takes way too much. It's my pint of Genocide By Cacao, I stole it fair and square!"

"WHAT? Oh, sure... I spend WEEKS hand embroidering my costume, after cutting and sewing and wigmaking, doing Oscar worthy work, and no one cares. But! Slap some eyeliner on him, braid bloody golden rings and bells into his hair, and suddenly everybody wants to know if Khal Drogo is now in Foundation custody. I worked really hard on my Olenna Tyrell ensemble. Golden roses are complicated! Abel didn't even try! Iris did all the work, give HER the free pizza. This stupid 'Game of Thrones' costume contest is rigged!" Thirty seconds pass. "And that pizza is terrible and loaded with preservatives anyway."

In hindsight... whomever introduced Dyo to the works of George R. R. Martin...has made a grave mistake. At least it was entertaining.

Ok I’ve started seeing the “Jim Hutton was a gold digger”idoits coming out after a rest of the evil soul. Let me now educate these idiots why this makes absolutely zero sense. Below are multiple reasons why that is absolutely impossible to prove. Proving a lie is impossible but proving the truth is very very easy. See below.

-Jim didn’t know who Freddie really was until Live Aid. To him it was a sexy guy from a bar who sang.

-Jim saw Garden Lodge it wasn’t a secret how much money Freddie had. So a gold digger would move right on in.

-He kept an apartment of his own for months while they were dating and if Freddie got up to his tricks as he had with other lovers, Jim had it to go back to. A gold digger wouldn’t keep an apartment if he wasn’t being treated well, he would ignore the behavior and continue sucking money.

-Jim kept his job as a hairdresser when the man he’d been dating seriously for several months could easily afford to “keep” him. A gold digger would stop working and live off his lover much like a lot Freddie’s past lovers did.

-Freddie asked him to move in and Jim hesitated. A true gold digger would jump at the chance. He would also have started flaking off at work staying with his wealthy boyfriend in Germany instead of being at a job. And have zero guilt or need to think about it. A true gold digger would be in that house in record time.

-Jim turned Freddie down cold the first time he asked and didn’t call him after their “one night stand”. After he saw all the nice things Freddie had and the influence he had over people that first night and a gold digger would be calling like crazy and trying to get the rich person’s attention, doesn’t sound to me like he was chomping at the bit to get his hands on Freddie and his money.

-Freddie to the best of his knowledge and ours was well for almost two years when he was seeing Jim. Freddie was a very good judge of character and knew when people used him though as long as he got something out of it he wouldn’t mind for a while. Does anyone really think that Jim an Irish hairdresser from a tiny town could pull the wool over the eyes of one of the worlds biggest rockstars. He’d have to be an Oscar-worthy actor or an amazing con man. Which let’s face it. That’s just fucking stupid. If you are saying that, you are calling Freddie gullible which he never was; not ever.

-when he did move into Garden Lodge he worked religiously in the garden. It wasn’t called Garden Lodge because there were a few leaves to rake it is one of the biggest pieces of land and garden in London that’s residential. Peter Freestone says repeatedly that Jim worked very hard. As does everyone else in Freddie’s life.

-Peter Freestone knew Jim before he ever knew Freddie and was happy to see Freddie with an honest kind man. Doesn’t sound much like a gold digger to me.

-Every friend or ex of Jim Hutton repeatedly defended him to other people when they would gossip or talk bad about him, so that goes to show his character was of a kind person who didn’t breed much resentment in anyone who knew him.

-All of Freddie’s friends have said that Jim was a good guy. Including Terry Giddings Freddie’s driver, Peter Freestone and the NY daughters. Freddie is dead. Jim is dead. Not one of The people that knew Freddie even up until present day have recanted their good words about Jim. They have no reason to keep up a “lie”

-Jim wasn’t interested in the house he was interested in how he was being treated. From the reaction of all the GL residents they had no clue about the money Freddie would leave them until the Will was read after Freddie died. If they did expect something I know it wasn’t as much as they actually got. Especially Jim who was constantly witnessed begging Freddie to stop buying him expensive things. Yeah, that screams gold digger. Pfft!

-Joe Fanelli did not mess around he didn’t care about hurting people’s feelings especially when it came to Freddie. If Jim had been the leech all these people say, then you can bet your ass he would have said something to him especially when Freddie was too weak or ill to defend himself.

-Jim when he did leave GL took the things Freddie had wanted him to have and he wanted a cat! I mean come on a cat doesn’t come with a trust fund ffs. The stuff he did end up with he gave to be sold to raise funds for the MPT such as the Yellow Wembley jacket. Never in his lifetime did you ever see the original lyrics to BoRhap on the auction block. Their whereabouts are still unknown I think. So they weren’t auctioned off for millions.

-Jim submitted an application for a mortgage for the land in Ireland in his own name and didn’t even use Freddie as a reference in the application. Then when he had to ask for the money, Freddie gave him way more than he had asked for. The land was small plot near his mom. A gold digger would’ve bought a farm that was worth a fortune in England. Not a house next to his mom in nowhere Ireland.

-At the bar Jim frequented while he lived with Freddie he had barely mentioned he was dating Freddie and not many believed him until after he died. Freddie was never paraded around to impress anyone or anything that Freddie bought him flaunted.

-He invited his ex boyfriend, who actually DID know who Freddie was, to a party and the fight they had was because of the cold shoulder Freddie gave Jim’s friend. Not because he didn’t buy him anything or refuse to pay attention to him.

-After a vase went missing Jim didn’t tell Freddie that it didn’t matter because he could afford it. He let the fight continue for several weeks as Jim turned the house upside down looking for it. Then finally frustrated had to wait until FREDDIE let it go.

-Jim didn’t seek any media attention and never once complained when he was replaced with Mary at events. A gold digger would want to show off and flaunt their money and their source of money.

-Phoebe was a huge protector of Freddie’s and had said he was not a fan of Paul Prenter due to the way he betrayed Freddie and how he’d seen it coming. Why then would you think that almost a decade after Jim died would he hesitate to tell people that Jim was after Freddie’s money if this was even remotely true?

-Even the other members of Queen recognized how uninterested Jim was in fame and fortune. They also liked Jim and as history has proven if someone was horrible to Freddie they wouldn’t be friends with them or if forced simply polite. They hated Paul Prenter. They really didn’t know much about Winnie and the absolutely hated Bill Reid, yet they were friends with someone who was using Freddie for his money? That doesn’t seem right. Hmm

-Jim lived with his “husband” in that house for almost seven years. It was a home that they made together and all the contributions Jim made were made by him and not bought on Freddie’s dime.

-Jim did not parade around in the expensive cars Freddie owned and when he did get his license he got a VOLVO. Not a Ferrari or Aston Martin which Freddie easily could have afforded.

-Jim was there when Freddie gave him an easy out. I mean if you know that your boyfriend had given you a deadly disease the gold digger would turn and run and ask for money to leave. Including extorting the rich person for money with the threat of the biggest secret Freddie didn’t want anyone to know getting out. Jim stayed when an gold digger would have run! Trust me that is not greed.

-If you have ever cared for anyone who was dying from a very deadly disease you will know it’s basically one of the hardest things that anyone whether they love the ill person or not, could do and it’s very hard on the caregivers. Jim was a huge help to Peter and Joe sacrificing his own comfort many times to be with him.

-Jim could have run when things got hard and asked Freddie for money which Freddie would have given. Instead, Jim watched the man he loved and lived with slowly suffer and wither from being the flamboyant sexy and unbelievably vibrant man he had fallen for, into a shell of himself. AIDS in particular is one of the worst diseases to witness anyone die of including strangers. There’s no way any amount money can make you do that to the very end.

-When Freddie died he wasn’t even that rich (in rich people terms at least) nowhere near what he would be later, and Jim obviously knew nothing about property value in London or how much things cost other than reasonable or expensive. A man out for money driven by greed would know those things. And would have mentioned being left the house n a daily basis for the entire relationship. There is not one mention of Jim ever doing that.

-Jim had just lost the person he saw everyday for seven years and less than a week after the love of his life died before he knew about any money, that he wouldn’t even have access to for a while. Will’s are extremely tricky and nothing is immediate including any money received from the Will. It has to go through a system of court proceedings. He was also devastated at losing the one person he had loved more than anything and he had lived with for almost 7 years. Every inch of that house dripped with memories and those can be either comforting or completely hard to relive. There’s are stages of grief and they take time. One week is not nearly enough to even let the death sink in. Staying and remembering is often the only comfort in those times.

-Mary let them live in the guest house one to which all except Phoebe had never lived in before and were exactly what they are, “guest”quarters. Jim was not a “guest” in Freddie’s life. Also, Guards were posted in the house with explicit instructions to let no one in to any part of the house without either being scheduled or having been granted permission. Including the garden Jim had worked so hard to maintain. What the hell could he have stolen in the garden? Have you ever gardened it’s a LOT of work in heat and snow and takes a lot of physical toil. Jim didn’t care he did the job when instead he could have just lounged around the house being waited on hand and foot. A place you live with someone you love has a lot of importance in the grieving process and it takes they say about half the amount of time that you lived there with the person for you to start to move forward. Half of seven years is 3 and a half YEARS not 1 week or 3 months. You become a widow or widower and report back if I’m wrong.

-when Freddie just died, after the shock and grief of his fans had waned a bit, about a year later, a lot of Queen was only a memory and wasn’t as beloved as they are now. They kind of went dormant. Unless you were a lifelong, die hard fan people were at least a little bit less grieving than they had when Freddie died. So the timing of this gold digger’s book is really odd.

-Jim wrote the book in 1993. Made in Heaven hadn’t come out yet and the Queen renaissance hadn’t even started gaining momentum yet. In its first printing the book didn’t even sell that well. Jim shared all profits with the publisher and Tim Whapshott as well so it wasn’t exactly a cash cow at least not in England. He went on tv for about 10 minutes promoting it and on shows in countries that had a lot more going on than finding things out about a recently dead rockstar, such as civil war in Czechoslovakia for example, so I highly doubt it was selling out in bookstores.

-Until much later close to the end of Jim’s life Freddie’s Legend status hadn’t been cemented quite yet. The band was popular but nowhere close to what they are today. Jim left all profits of the book to the hospital where he was treated for cancer. That doesn’t sound much like the actions of a gold digger.

-When George Michael died he left his boyfriend at the time very little compared to what he actually was worth but way way more than Freddie left Jim. George’s boyfriend published a tell all novel with explicit details of their love life and not one thing was held back and he did it super soon after George’s death even saying George would pay for not leaving him money. Which happened! and for a while the reputation of George Michael was poison for anyone to touch. Things have changed now but that book was as written out of spite. Jim’s was written to cope with grief.

-Jim talked about a few details of his love life with Freddie, but has everyone forgotten that Freddie himself was way more descriptive of sexual things than anything Jim even talked about. Ffs he told the press he had an insatiable sexual appetite and certainly didn’t hide the fact he had “a lot of sex” from the public.

-Yes, it’s horrible to read about the horrible affect that disease had on Freddie’s body and Jim recounted what was truly important not anything super embarrassing. So he wet the bed and he changed his shorts, big deal. That says nothing bad about Freddie! It just proves how awful and horrible the way AIDS kills and in the most painful way. That way anyone who had any doubt that it was horrible didn’t after Jim’s book. Awareness was still a hard topic to get into people’s heads in 1993. It had just started becoming a widely known disease since Magic Johnson announced his positive status in 1992.

-Jim was still upset with the situation and when that book was published, yes admittedly, he sounds a bit bitter in the end because what happened after he lost the love of his life was still a new wound.

-If Jim wanted to make “real” money he could have gone to another more well-known source to write the book and he could have gone into very explicit detail as to how Freddie Mercury was as a lover. But he treated it as respectfully as he could. Leaving it out would have left out a huge part of their relationship. That book wasn’t a enormous money maker until recently. Some of Freddie’s friends have described things about Freddie’s life in much more detail than Jim did. Also, Jim never had anything bad to say about him in any public appearances, he did for documentaries, or any time he was asked for a quote about Freddie. It would be very easy for a gold digger to divulge details that would disparage the legend of Freddie but Jim loved him and he didn’t become a multimillionaire at any point in his life so how exactly is he a gold digger?

-yes he wrote in his book about the house and how he felt it was partly his etc... but you didn’t see him hiring lawyers to take Mary to court or even consulting with one, about that. He took the knocks and tried to move on. A gold digger would fight tooth and nail to get any money they could. There are countless examples of these things

-My last point is kind of a repeat of the beginning of this long ass essay. Jim Hutton died almost a decade ago, Freddie has been gone for almost 30 years. Any gag orders or promises to keep secrets has long since expired. If Jim was truly a gold digging leech someone who knew the both of them first hand would have SAID SOMETHING! The only people who say these things are fans. Anyone who was a friend of Freddie’s has never said anything like that against Jim and all loyalties would have been lost by now. People would have cashed in on the Jim Hutton the digger story, by now. But no one has. There’s only one explanation for the reason it hasn’t happened.

IT WASN’T TRUE!

If the above arguments don’t sway you from your thoughts I have tons more but my fingers are about to fall off typing this. Not to mention if you aren’t a little bit more convinced that theirs was a beautiful love story and not a gold digger taking advantage of a sick man then you are too stupid for me to waste my time. I have first hand witness accounts of all of the points I made above. It takes less evidence to sentence someone to the death penalty than I have to prove Jim Hutton was just a good guy who wasn’t after Freddie’s money! So to quote another person who addresses this exact issue well. “Fuck off!” and go learn how to read. You obviously haven’t yet or you would have found out these exact things for yourself.

Summary: The award show you and Joe are attending almost bores you to death. Until you make sure that the rest of the night will be everything but boring. Word count: 2230 Warnings: Smut, dom/sub dynamics (including spanking and bondage) A/N: This is (at least partly) dedicated to @justgivemethekeys​, I hope you like it. Thanks for everything, Kate.

It is an event. Some kind of award show again. That’s all you know. Granted, you also know that you’re sitting in some fancy room in London, so it’s neither the Golden Globes nor the Oscars. Still – you’ve lost count and everything else that could be helpful for orientation. What you are sure of though is that this show is full of incredibly long speeches. Your eyes had started burning at the second one already – staring instead of listening was your trick to look focused. When you still have barely moved after two hours, aside from some clapping here and there, Joe leans over to you. “You know, you are allowed to blink. Even yawning is okay, this won’t go on television,“ he informs you. - “This is not being filmed? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?“ “Because you already wanted to know why we have to go if I won’t be on that stage. But it’s good that we’re here, I just checked Twitter and-“ - “You checked Twitter?“ You interrupt him, earning you a “Shhh!“ from somewhere behind you. “I checked Twitter and people are going crazy over the press photos that were taken earlier, so I think it was worth it already.“ - “We could have gone home after those press photos though,“ you whisper back, your head tilted towards him, eyes back on the stage. “Don’t you want to know why they are going crazy?“ You can feel his eyes on you, but you don’t look back at him. - “No, I really want to listen to this person I don’t know thanking somebody I don’t know either for…something.“ “Probably the chocolate cornet industry for inspiring the dress,“ Joe suggests. He pats your back when you start to cough from trying to hold back a laughter and turns around to flaunt an apologetic smile into the direction of another “Shhh“. - “Okay, okay,“ you finally say after having gathered yourself. “Why are they going crazy?“ “Because of your suit. And how, I quote, ‘incredible’ you look in it,“ he explains. - “Oh, that’s nice, they are right,“ you say, looking down at your perfectly fitted red suit, adjusting your black tie just a little bit. “What?“ You ask him over the applause for Mrs Cornet when he’s still looking at you without saying anything. “They are right, Joe, but you look absolutely dashing, too,“ he says, giving an impressively terrible imitation of your voice. - “Aww, come on,“ you softly reply, now whispering again because the applause has faded. “You do look amazing, grey is such an exciting color on you -“ you ignore him rolling his eyes at you, “and we both know that basically everyone with a tumblr or Instagram account is head over heels for you. And rightfully so.“ He takes a deep breath. “They were. Until you stepped into the spotlight and they all changed their opinion to 'Forget Joe Mazzello, I want his girlfriend instead’.“ - “That’s not entirely true, a lot of them want both of us,“ you correct him. “Oh Jesus Christ, Joe,“ you add, when you see him frowning. “I won’t apologize for not running away when Gwilym lifted your baseball cap in the bar, presenting your perm.“ He snorts as a a reply and you both decide to ignore the third shushing today. “And,“ you continue, “I surely also won’t apologize for looking at least like a solid twelve in this suit.“ Joe looks up and down at your whole body, then directly faces you and raises an eyebrow, as if he wants to ask Is that so? - “Even more points for what I’m wearing underneath,“ you say as casually as you can. You turn your head back to the stage again but look at him from the corners of your eyes. “And what is it that you’re wearing underneath?“ He asks flatly. He’s taking the bait, you think. - “Nothing,“ you reply simply. He’s lifting his other eyebrow too, but that’s it. “You’re an ass,“ you say, making his mouth twitch and the person behind you leaning forward. “You both are,“ they say.

Joe is calm, suspiciously calm, even when the show has ended and you’re back at the press photos. You can feel he’s not really angry, but something is up, you just can’t exactly say what it is. To the other people he is his usual self – making jokes and charming them all. But something is there in the way he has his arm around you. And while it feels good, it still makes you nervous. “Joe,“ you begin between two photos, “did I do something wrong?“ - “A lot of things, yes,“ he replies, remaining absolutely cool for the cameras. “But it’s fine, because -“ he waves a goodbye to the photographers and gets closer to your ear so only you can hear him, “I’m just spending the evening by imagining how incredible a solid twelve spanks will look on your ass later, Kitten.“ He looks proud - too proud - at the choice of his words when he grabs a glass of champagne and winks at you, but he knows all too well that it’s not necessarily that what leaves you with your mouth open. It’s the name. Kitten. A clear sign that you are in trouble. Wonderful trouble.

The rest of the time had passed much too slowly for your taste, but you finally find yourself back in the hotel room. You’re unsure of what to do next, so you just stop and stand at the entry, waiting for an instruction. When Joe commands you to stay where you are while he sits down on the edge of the bed, you know you’ve made the right decision. “I just want to enjoy the view, Kitten,“ he adds. “Now get out of your clothes for me.“ You automatically start to unbutton your jacket, but he stops you. “No, not like that,“ he says, “shoes and trousers first.“ It’s your turn now to raise eyebrows, but you keep quiet and follow his orders, your eyes not leaving him just as his eyes don’t leave you. Slipping out of your pants, your hands move up again to your jacket and you tilt your head to send him a silent question. Joe nodds. “Nice and slow, Kitten, just like that,“ he comments and starts to unbuckle his belt – a show made up of small movements, but it’s all too exiciting for you. It just has to show on your face, you are aware of it; but either Joe doesn’t notice it in the dim light, or he just ignores it. “You misbehaved a lot this evening, Kitten,“ he starts to explain. “Distracting me from the ceremony.“ - “As if you found it interesting anyway.“ It just slips from your lips before you can even think about stopping yourself. “I did not ask for your opinion or 'anyway’s in this.“ It’s a game he’s playing and you know it. He wants to see if you dare, he wishes that you do and you decide to give it to him. - “No it’s true,“ you say. “You hated it, we both know that.“ “Didn’t I just tell you I didn’t ask for your opinion?“ - “You did,“ you confirm. “Then stop,“ he says. - “Or what?“ You cross your arms in front of you and raise an eyebrow again when you see him tossing the belt aside. “For God’s sake,“ Joe says through gritted teeth and stands up, moving towards you. He grabs the tie you’re still wearing with one hand and uses the other to open your blouse. “Get out of it. Right now,“ he commands. There’s no need to pretend you’re not desperately anticipating what’s coming next, so you stay silent this time and slip out of it. You feel him dragging you to the bed by pulling the tie and when he sits back down and throws you over his lap, you take one moment to think about how arousing the whole situation is – you being completely naked aside from that tie that’s still in Joe’s grip and him not only still being fully dressed but also in full control. However – the moment doesn’t last long, as Joe interrupts your thoughts by spinning the tie around your neck so that he can use it to hold up your head. “Count,“ he says. “I don’t want to hear anything else from you, just count.“ You can feel his upper body turning away from you a little bit, as if he’s grabbing something. The belt. “Alright?“ He asks and when you nod as good as you can, he leans down and whispers, “That’s a good kitten.“ The sound of the buckle is audible for one second, right before the other end meets your butt. “One,“ you count. The second, the third and even the fourth strike are fine – but by the time you count “Five“, you’re already an absolute mess. It hurts, a lot even, as Joe is aiming for the same spot everytime. But as painful as it is, it makes you so wet that you’re almost angry at yourself for giving him such a reward. However – what you’re feeling underneath your body gives the clear impression that you’re not the only one who’s massively turned on by what is happening. “Twelve,“ you finally press out and suddenly it’s over. Joe gently strokes over the place on your skin where the belt has left its mark. “That’s my Kitten,“ he coos and bends down to press a little kiss on the sore spot. The soft moment doesn’t last long however when you feel another strong pull at the tie and Joe pushes you off his lap. With a swift movement, he throws you on the bed, down on your knees and elbows. “It’s a bit embarassing how wet you are,“ he comments. “But I have to admit that I like it.“ You’re quite sure it’s not on purpose, but his grip on the tie loosens a little while he’s talking. It’s just enough so you can move your head and you use the opportunity to look at the bulge you had already felt. You’re unable to hold back a smile, which Joe notices. “Turn your head back to the front,“ he says, making you pout. “Don’t worry Kitten,“ he continues when you do as he said, “you’ll enjoy what’s coming next.“ You hear the buckle of the belt clink again and prepare for more pain, but it’s not coming. Instead, Joe wraps it around your thighs, holding them together. Before you can say or ask anything about it, he leans down to you and whispers in your ear. “I want to have it tight. As tight as possible.“ Without further warning he puts two fingers inside of you, making you gasp. “Thought so,“ he comments and adds a third finger. You reach for the sheets, whimpering something with every momevement without making the tiniest bit of sense. “God, Kitten,“ Joe chuckles when he pulls his fingers out again. “If that makes you destroy those poor sheets already, I’m not sure what will happen when I do this.“ He pushes himself inside you. The control you never had is lost. You have no idea anymore about what you are doing; if the sounds you’re making are moans or screams, if you’re just grabbing the sheets or tear them. All you know is that every praise he’s giving you now makes you weaker and weaker. And when his free hand finally finds its way forward and he’s putting two fingers between your legs as far as it’s possible with the belt around them, you start to crumble completely. Legs and arms are giving in and you’re unable to hold yourself up any longer. You try to apologize, not being sure if the words really leave your mouth in an understandable form or just as more incoherent whimpers. Either way – you notice the tie falling down on your back. “Shhh,“ Joe makes softly. “It’s fine, Kitten. I’ll let you come now. I’ll come with you, is that alright?“ You manage to nod and the next thing you feel is the belt open again, giving Joe’s hand an easier access to your core. The circles of his fingertips go faster and faster and you hear him moaning your name and then feel him filling you up, but aside from that, the world goes wonderfully blurry and turns into heaven. Coming down to earth again takes you a moment and is only possible with the help of the same man who made you fly above it just seconds ago. “You’re okay?“ Joe asks when he makes you sit up. - “More than okay actually,“ you reply. He smiles, moves to the end of the bed and leans at the wall. “Come here,“ he says and taps his legs. You decide to just let yourself fall down to the side and just crawl to him until your head is in his lap, all commented by him laughing softly. Stroking over your cheek and head, he asks, “You like to get in trouble, don’t you?“ You roll onto your back and look him directly in the eyes. “Getting in trouble is just so much more rewarding than behaving well,“ you say.

REVIEW: "The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue", or: Fetch me a couch, for I nearly swoon!

Title: The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue

Author: Mackenzi Lee

Review by: Captain Clo

Verdict: adventures of a bisexual scoundrel unable to keep his mouth shut and pathetically in love with his biracial male best friend. I had the time of my life, would totally recommend, go read it right now! 5 stars

Trigger warning for: homophobia, slight racism, parental abuse

Sometimes you just need an adventurous, fun and queer book in your life. The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue definitely fits the bill. It can look daunting with its 500 pages, but they fly by like nobody's business. An apt summary of its plot would look more or less like this:

Dramatic escapes through Europe! Highwaymen! Pirates! Alchemy! The mysteries of Venice!

And last but not least, best friends hopelessly pining for each other.

I think the official summary of the book actually sells the book short – it's so much more than just "two friends of noble station – and a little sister – go on a Grand Tour through Europe". It's actually two friends and one sister go on a Grand Tour, the dummy of the trio enrages the Prime Minister of France, then proceeds to steal something of said Minister out of pettiness, dashes out of Versailles stark naked, and then discovers what he stole isn't just a trinket, but the key to an alchemical secret. Slightly spoilerish? I guess, but it's so much more interesting put that way.

When you read "Grand Tour" maybe you think of Mary Shelley, Percy (coincidence??) Bisshe Shelley and Lord Byron going on their disastrous romp through Europe... and  A Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue is definitely not that. Unless you think of Mary Shelley as a bitter teenager snarking in disgust at her stupid male companions, and of Lord Byron as a pathetic mess trying too hard to look like a hedonist Casanova, and... well actually that kind of works, but Percy Shelley definitely wasn't a biracial violinist... with a crush on Lord Byr--- I mean, Monty... I mean I'm no expert but reliable sources told me that he was an ass! And a jerk! Percy doesn't deserve that, he's an angel.

Enter the protagonist: Henry Montague, aka Monty. He's a hot mess. A rogue, a scoundrel, a ladykiller, an unrepentant bisexual, with the good looks and the charm to get anyone he wants in his bed. Alas, he's hopelessly in love with his best friend, Percy, who is exactly the kind of level-headed, serious person who's just perfect to rein Monty in. Monty is witty, superficial and a pleasure-seeker, refusing to take anything seriously, and especially anything his father wants him to do – like being a respectable lord, studying with profit at Eton, or running a family estate, for example. Monty loathes the very idea, so what better course of action than doing every single thing his father would disapprove of?

Enter Felicity, Monty's little sister. Wicked smart and with a cutting tongue to match, she's the opposite of Monty in every way. She looks forward to the museum trips, to the scientific lectures, to the operas and the landscapes. Too bad she's a woman, and so she's not invited. Felicity loathes it, and she also loathes how Monty is so obviously unwilling to take advantage of his privilege in every way it's denied her. Felicity wants to study and to become a doctor, and she would welcome the offer to learn how to run the estates. Instead, soon she'll be shipped off to a school of good manners for young ladies, where at most she'll learn to curtsy.

Enter Percy, Monty's best friend and crush. He's the biracial son of an English member of the gentry, grudgingly accepted into the family when his father dies. He has all the things Monty doesn't have – and that he's in love with: sensitivity, artistic sense (he's a violinist and, as Monty himself notes with delight, the kind of person who loves Italian opera and can recognize an aria by its first verse), and height.

What I found most interesting about Percy is that he is actually what moves the plot along. At first, the book looks like it'll be about a hedonistic journey through Europe; but a revelation about Percy spins it in an entirely different direction – one that also challenges Monty to overcome his selfish tendencies.

I am dying to tell you what Percy's deal is because damn, I was delighted and surprised, but I can't take that away from you. Just know that it was very satisfying to see how his main problem wasn't directly linked to his race, although he does get shit for it sometimes. His relationship with Monty is the sweetest thing, but it doesn't lack thorns (read: drama), mostly because Monty is pretty clueless and it often borders on insensitive. For example, Monty always defends Percy when someone is a racist ass to him (yay!) but he doesn't see why Percy doesn't just say something witty and rude to every lord who insults him (less yay) and thinks there's really no problem, Percy is just a little darker than most, so? Which, bless him, is a very simple thing to think, and definitely not the truth. But he's also so pathetically sorry when Percy snaps at him for it, I can't really hate him.

"I could say something to your uncle."

"No."

"Why not? If he won't listen to you-"

"I know you think you're being helpful when you say things like that, and when you defend me, and I appreciate it, I really do, but please, don't. I don't need you to stand up for me – I can do that."

"But you don't-"

"You're right, sometimes I don't, because I'm not the light-skinned son of an earl so I haven't the luxury of talking back to everyone who speaks ill of me. But I don't need you to rescue me."

"I'm sorry." It comes out soft and meek, like the bleat of a lamb.

I made a very undignified noise when I first read this. Actually I just did it again.

I found the book wonderful in how it blends serious moments, scenes that tugs at the reader's heartstrings, and witty banter. On the serious side, Monty is an alcoholic, suffers from panic attacks, and although he flaunts a charming and flippant persona, he's actually consumed by self-loathing and an atavistic fear of his father. At first, it can look like Monty self-sabotaged or defied his father by getting himself kicked out of Eton, but then we learn the truth: he was kicked out because of his relationship with another boy. His relationship with Felicity is a frustrating affair where both give the worst of themselves. Monty, as mentioned, is incapable of seeing how privileged he is and how much Felicity is put down in her ambitions just because she's a woman; but Felicity has absorbed a lot of how their father treats Monty, it's hard to see her treating him like he's worthless and stupid. Every time it seems like they might get along, one or both of them revert back to old patterns, and you're just there wishing you could smack their heads together and tell them, Now love each other properly!

Then there are the moments when Monty remembers he's in love with Percy, and has the gall to get all mushy and pathetically in love like this:

"[Percy] reaches out, almost as though he can't help himself, and puts his thumb to my jawline. The tips of his fingers brush the hollow of my throat, and I feel the touch so deep I half expect that when he moves, I'll be left with an imprint there, as though I am a thing fashioned from clay in a potter's hand."

And then there's the witty banter. Everywhere. Witty banter for days. Oscar Wilde would be proud, and I'm so so happy. There's witty banter to seduce:

"She smiles, then flicks open the ivory fan hanging from her wrist and begins to work it up and down. The breeze flutters the single ringlet trailing down the back of that neck of hers that swans would envy. I have been mentally patting myself on the head for keeping my eyes on her face the whole time we've been speaking, but then the bastards betray me suddenly and dive straight down the front of her dress.

I think for a moment she may not have noticed, but then her mouth twists up and I know she's seen. But instead of slapping me or calling me a boor and storming off, she says, "My lord, would you like to see..." Telling pause. Eyelash flutter. "More or Versailles?"

"You know, I believe that I would. Though I'm short a guide."

"Perhaps you'll allow me."

"But this party seemed to be just picking up speed. I'd hate to drag you away."

"Life is filled with sacrifices."

"Am I a sacrifice?"

"One I'm happy to make."

Witty banter when Monty shows how much of a dunce he is, and how much he cannot spy on people properly:

"Helena stopped awfully short when she realized I was listening."

"Well, you were being rude."

"I wasn't being rude!"

"You were eavesdropping."

"No eaves were dropped, I was just standing about. It's their fault they weren't speaking softer."

There's witty banter almost every time he utters a word with Percy. Or utters a word, period.

"How is it that we've landed the only bear-leader for hire who's entirely opposed to the true purpose of the Tour?"

"Which is... remind me."

"Strong spirits and loose women."

"Sounds instead like it's going to be weak wine with dinner and handling yourself in your bedroom after."

"No shame in that. If the Good Lord didn't want men to play with themselves, we'd have hooks for hands. [...] Hold on, are you keen on all this cultural thing?"

"I'm not... not keen." And then he gives me a smile that I think is supposed to be apologetic but instead looks very, very keen.

"No, no, no, you have to be on my side about this! Lockwood is tyranny and oppression and all that! Don't be seduced away by his promises of poetry and symphonies and – Dear Lord, am I to be subjected to music for the entirety of out Tour?"

"Absolutely you will. And the only thing you will hate more than listening to Lockwood's selected music will be listening to me talk about said music. Sometimes I'll walk to Lockwood about music and you will hate it. You're going to have to listen to me and Lockwood using words like atonal and chromatic scale and cadenza."

"Et tu?"

Honestly, what are you even waiting for. Go buy it right now!

Hi I'm new to exo and there's so many members (not that I'm complaining) I was wondering if u can tell me about the personalities and distinct features to help me remember their names??? Thx~ Also I understand their used to be 12 members and if u can include the ex-members that would the dope~

IM LATE BUT BUCKLE UP BABE WE’RE IN FOR A RIDE THIS IS LONG

sehun: he is the baby of the group a very tall very handsome baby, noodly limbs but like….graceful noodle because he’s a great dancer so he’s like those dancing noodles in front of gas stations, he makes fun of everyone and probably roasts all of exo daily but he’s a big baby so he loves his boys a lot and probably cries while watching lilo and stitch because ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten, he has terrible selfie skills and has a thing for white girls (nothing wrong with liking white girls but he liked a kylie jenner thing once ??? i guess god doesn’t give with two hands?) , sometimes he looks mean as hell but remember he is just a big baby please handle with care

kai: his real name is jongin, he has beautiful tan skin and he is living proof that god really DOES give with two hands because he is both beautiful and also sweet as hell and also handsome and sarcastic funny??, during interviews he’s always staring intently at the person talking because he doesn’t want to miss a single word like what kind of Angel™?, his only flaw is that he doesn’t like wearing socks and he’d probably fall asleep in ur lap whenever possible at the most inopportune moments, he dances Great and the way he moves his body??? boy was born for the stage he draws your eyes immediately during performances, he has fluffy lips and fluffy hair and the deadliest Gaze when he looks straight into the camera, obsessed with dogs he has like 3 and he’d steal sehun’s dog vivi if he could lets be real maybe he’s just a bunch of dogs operating a human suit in order to take over the world? plausible theory, one time he had to be locked in a room by the staff so he’d stay and finish his vlive broadcast, all he does is laugh that cute dorky laugh (search it up because i’m literally sitting here typing this and hearing his laugh in my head it’s so distinct and memorable wow), he’s probably a goddamn hipster and into slam poetry…love it

D.O.: aka kyungsoo, literally good at EVERYTHING he does, dancing??? YES!!! singing??? a LEGEND! acting???? A KING OF KINGS WHERE THE OSCAR AT??!!!!, pretends he hates exo but he actually runs fyexo on the side, probably has his calendar filled out with the release dates of all of the other member’s solo stuff so he can listen/watch right away and then pretend like he didn’t because he cares more than anyone but he’s not about to show it, has pretty heart-shaped lips and big eyes and never dyes his hair a different color anymore it’s always black, recently got a terrible haircut that tested my love but then he showed his forehead and the world was good again, born january 12 1993 which is also the day zayn malik was born and i wholeheartedly believe there is a Reason for this, has the softest smoothest chocolaty velvet voice on earth and i could listen to him say baby girl and senorita for the rest of my life, BIG SMILE, people talk about satansoo and maybe he’s evil because he’s a capricorn and short as hell (therefore full of lots of inner anger) but i truly believe he’s just a small bean with a big smile and a bigger heart who’s kinda into platonic bdsm

chanyeol: oh boy where do we start, main rapper, a meme, got big ass eyes, a very tall baby but in the sense that he’s like 85% legs 20% ears and 50% In His Feelings At All Times, cries about everything, he’s allergic to dogs and cats but he Endures the pain just so he can hold his family dog like………that’s cute, he’s noodly and not even a graceful noodle just 85% noodle legs hurdling through life at too-fast speeds that his legs cannot keep up with but thankfully he is trying, HIS ARMS ARE SO THICK, he owns this one black sweatshirt and wears it all the damn time yet he’s owns a rolex who is he, like he literally wears the same outfit for days i bet he’s always skipping laundry day, he composes and writes music and plays like 10 instruments some of which include the guitar, piano, my heart, etc, awkward as hell, part of 92/beagle line and probably loud and giggly as hell too, a crier, his news anchor sister is really hot i stan his sister, DJs at exo concerts and let me tell u….boy knows how to Kick Ass, VOICE SO DEEP YOU’LL START RECITING POETRY FOR JONGIN’S SLAM POETRY SESSIONS

chen: real name is jongdae, smiles like :3, HIS VOCALS ARE OUT OF THIS WORLD, his voice feels like taking 6 shots at once and you’re good until you stand up and everything hits you at once and you’re bouncing off the walls maybe possibly crying, small but full of roasts, looks like he gives the sweetest hug gentle and soft while he rubs your back, probably smells really nice, the whiniest voice ever, *jongdae voice* whyyyyyyyyy, *jongdae voice* [screaming], screams a lot, have you ever listened to jongdae’s solo “uprising” because he truly busted my fucking ears once and it was the best experience of my life, secretly aspires to be in a heavy metal band and was probably the sole reason why exo did a heavy metal version of mama during an awards show, he has a square jaw and curly lips and pretty eyelashes and he gives off this very serene vibe, part of 92/beagle line, I LOVE IT WHEN HE SMILES, honestly the sweetest boy, everyone calls him the mom of the group he’s literally the mom friend who doesn’t love the mom friend, ripped his pants during mama 2016 and kept his cool thru creating a skirt w his jacket on the spot, snarky as shit 10/10 would recommend, doesn’t have an instagram?? for why??

baekhyun: LOUD AS SHIT, a sweetheart, he has the prettiest hands, used to be cute and then decided to gym so now he’s cute but also hot, lotto baekhyun=hot pirate shirt baekhyun, he literally has an entire series where he plays league of legends with heechul and invites random people to play embarrassing games and scream with, jongdae was on one episode and they screamed together and it was beautiful exo’s harmonies are legendary, dance line passing, exo m passing, moodmaker which means he makes CORNY ASS JOKES AND I’M WHIPPED SO I LAUGH, connoisseur of stanning girl groups and always doing girl group dances, a focking dweeb, BIG RECTANGULAR SMILE ALL TEETH SHINY AS HELL CHIP SKYLARK WROTE MY SHINY TEETH AND ME ABOUT BAEKHYUN, probably thinks lightning mcqueen is cute and jongdae the type to agree, has a literal daddy kink and flaunts it on instagram.com, he is literally ALWAYS talking, not sure if he knows how to not talk, like you see the guy always talking in exo videos and he has a loud voice? that’s baekhyun (not the one screaming at extreme decibels but the guy sceaming at slightly lower than extreme decibels), highly endearing, baekhyun flirts with everyone trust me im an expert, does embarrassing things on purpose and then gets embarrassed two minutes later and repeats process every day, a Relatable Meme, 92/beagle line member #3

lay: real name is yixing, last Chinese member left, HARDWORKING, ANGEL, GOD SENT HIM TO US TO SHOW US THAT HUMANS CAN BE GOOD, a part of dance line and his dancing is so good to watch it’s sharp and precise and his hip thrusts *fans self while baekhyun fans himself on the other side of the world*, always looks like he’s spitting straight fire at awards show speeches, pointing up during speeches to show that exo is #1, soooo hardworking he’s made his own studio and released his own solo album and acts and does variety in china and travels back and forth between exo and solo activities and is always thinking about his exo boys while thinking of his fans (xingmis), KING, according to exo he has a thing for spreading their ass cheeks, calls it ‘refreshing’ but im pretty sure he just has a kink, has tired droopy looking eyes its cute, literal human incarnation of those “[takes a hit from bong] how do my feet smell if they don’t have a nose?”, super chill like he that dude who’d just sit through the end of the world and you’d be like….tru…and join him in Chill Bliss while the world falls apart around you

suho: aka Junmyeon (Joonmyun is another way to spell it), suho means “guardian angel” because he thinks he’s a guardian angel and PLOT TWIST HE IS!!! HE IS EXO’S ANGEL AND HE TAKES CARE OF THEM BY NAGGING AND LISTENNING AND BEING SWEET AND MAKING DAD JOKES, dad joke example #1: when someone asked him what park they should go to while they were in nyc and he said “linkin park” i kid u not i am not making this shit up, he’s very, very pretty like SOOOO HANDSOME kinda looks like the guy who’d be your suga daddy tbh, he is exo’s self-proclaimed funniest member and tbh he truly is the funniest member his dad jokes are out of this world exo can suck it, smol pal, he’s the leader of the group and the rest of exo like to roast him but tbh he’s the best leader and i will always have a soft spot for him ever since that time when krisgate happened and exo won for overdose and he went up on stage all alone to accept the award and the way he held it together so well for everyone, his band himself and the fans, was the most heartbreaking thing ever i love kim junmyeon he’s just a loving single dad trying to make it out there in this cruel worl

Xiumin: aka Minseok, he looks like a cute bun but he’s actually the oldest and is so beefed up he could probably beat u up and ur grandchildren’s children would feel it, LITERALLY SOOOOO HOT, he used to be really quiet during debut and he is still kinda quiet but he’s been working on it and doing much better and exo supports him thru it, honestly its the quiet ones u gotta watch for boy probably gathers all the tea on the rest of exo and spills it at isac when no one is watching, YALL SEEN THOSE PICS OF KANGAROOS, that’s minseok he’s cute like a kangaroo but he can also murder u with a pinky finger and u would probably thank him not gonna lie, he has pretty slanted eyes and he’s a really good dancer and he has a lovely voice AND HE CAN WRAP example #2 of god truly giving with two hands, he loves sports and back before luhangate he and luhan were literally inseparable #bffs4lyfe, the CUTEST SMILE IN EXISTENCE, WHEN HE SMILES WARS END, literally everyone is under this boy’s spell like minseok barely does variety he showed up on running man once for .02 seconds in a clip he wasnt even invited to the show and he trended for like a whole day, he ate mocha bread on xoxo and mocha bread sold out everywhere, he is literally the chuck norris of exo, he’s always trending for breathing it’s beautful and relatable me too south korea

ex members: so they were all apart of exo m (exo’s chinese subunit who promoted in china), exo m also includes xiumin, chen, and lay, the rest of the members above were in exo k, who mainly promoted in south korea

tao: aka zitao, A BABYYYYYYYYYYYYY, BABIER THAN SEHUN EVEN THO HE’S LIKE…KYUNGSOO’S AGE, he’s got a cat-like face, pretty tanned skin, and he was super tall, king of being a wushu master, basically he’s entirely capable of kicking ass wherever he goes but he’s scared of everything, couldn’t shower alone back in the old days, everyone loved taking caring of him, suho was literally his mother, he looked scary during debut era because of his emo hair, but he’s the biggest baby ever and he and sehun made up the raddest baby club ever, they rode around in expensive cars just to get food from the convenience store, dramatique as hell, i really really liked his rapping he had flow it was great also his iconic part in growl….binch, RED HAIR TAO………GODS GIFT, HIS MUSIC NOW IS LIKE…..culture shock he’s a smol baby but those mvs m’dude, i miss him

luhan: apparently hes a fkn freak have you heard his new songs, “put in work like the renaissance move that body like a gymnahst ask me what i want  lalalalala blow me like a flute WOO OoooooOOOHOHHOOH show me what IT do oooohoooh” Lu by Luhan (2015), ok like he was literally so iconic???, cute face like honestly so gorgeous but he always had this obsession with being MANLY, he and his manly BRO MINSEOK would do BRO things like Coffee BRODATES and play soccer together and hang out under BROBRELLAS at isac, he’s good at acting and making it in a matt damon movie yes binch, i loved his voice it was sweet and harmonized so well with jongdae’s voice and yixing’s, he genuinely had the sweetest friendships with his bros, A LITERAL MEME RUNNING MAN LUHAN WAS ICONIC , he doesn’t know what he’s doing w his face and is constantly derping its beautiful, literally the original exo meme face tbh, white producer: luhan you’re the best! luhan: [hits the whip nervously], i miss him so much omg

kris: aka Kris Wu or Wu Yifan some say kevin was also a name…. a man of many names, luhan might have been the original exo meme face but kris was the original extra ass meme, obsessed with space and the biggest dork in the world (universe), his relationship with the boys was like….so beautiful….and its been nearly three years but it always warms my hort, a really good actor he’s making it big out there, SOME TIMES HE’D WEAR THE UGLIEST SHIT TO THE AIRPORT AND HONESTLY….IT WAS WILD HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A FASHION ICON, HONESTLY kris in exo showtime was the most iconic thing i’ve ever seen, exo’s other dad or now it’s exo’s ex dad, probably shared dad jokes with suho when they’d have their dad meetings, he’s otherworldly hot and he has these piercing eyes and he went bald for like a month after leaving exo but now he’s making it big in a vin diesel movie with my girl deepika #bless, krisgate was literally the wildest thing he exposed sm and i still get war flashbacks about it, rip exo m(emories), i miss him too but they’re all doing good out there so its fine