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queensupremes · 3 years

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Elaboration, because I was asked —

TW: domestic violence, gun/knife mentions, overall T R A U M A.

I met a man who, at first sight, was what I thought was a good man. He made me feel special, like I mattered. He made me feel appreciated and important, he wanted to spend every minute of every day with me, and he seemingly wanted a life with me. I, unfortunately, took the bait.

Things were good for awhile. I was happy. I was excited, because for the first time, I thought I’d finally found someone who was good for me. My friends liked him, he meshed well with us, and I was head over heels.

Eventually, he became more and more erratic. We’d argue more than anything else and one night, in an argument in my kitchen, he said, “I’m just gonna leave.” Me, not being one to try to beg a man to stay with me, said, “if that’s really what you want to do, I’m not going to stop you.” To that, his response was to hold me against the door to my pantry with his butterfly knife. He said, “don’t ever try to leave me.” He said he and his “homies” knew where I lived, where I worked, and would “torch” me to the ground. So I retracted. This would go on for months.

I didn’t tell a soul. I was terrified, alone, and didn’t have anywhere to turn. Eventually, my friends began to catch on. They’d question why I never had my car, why I was always late to work, how I had a full time job and no money. I’d make excuses because I felt like I had to defend him and blame myself. He didn’t come home for 4 weeks at one point. Excuses, excuses, excuses. He had my car the entire time. I had to get a rental to get to work and honestly, I felt he would never come back. So I went to a shady used car dealership and town and got a new car. My best friend moved into my apartment with me, and things were seemingly back to normal.

He came back without my car. It had been impounded by border patrol and he was unable to get it out. I told him that he couldn’t use my new car because it wasn’t registered yet, to which he chose violence once more. At that point, I’d had the car for just three weeks. When I finally gathered the courage to tell him that I was done and the relationship was over, in my own vehicle after he’d picked me up from work, he went ballistic. He snatched my phone out of my hands and put it in his pocket and revealed a gun that was between the seat and center console. He waved it in my face. He pointed it in my direction and said, “no baby, we’re going home.” What is usually a 20 minute drive home turned into 2 hours. For two hours, he positioned his gun to me as he drove with what seemed like no direction.

When we finally got to my apartment, he said he would gather his things and leave. I told him I would get his things for him if he would just wait outside and give me the keys so I could get in because my roommate was asleep. He gave me back my phone, but he said he didn’t trust me. He held his gun to my back as he tried to open the door from behind me. He kept it there while he gathered his belongings. He berated me the entire time, threatening my life, my roommates life, my dogs life. Name calling and wild accusations. I tried to tell him I would drop him off at a motel or one of his friends houses, to which he responded by putting his gun to my temple. “You’re not going anywhere with me.” And he left.

I woke up my roommate and we called the police. When he found out that police had gone to his friends house looking for him, he sent me a slew of threatening messages, to which I couldn’t respond to due to the restraining order I had requested. The lack of response only made him more angry.

He was arrested in Corona, CA, his hometown, five days later. He had stolen plates on my car. It was impounded, and they told me I had to go there to pick it up. It took me over a week to find a way to get there. I had no money, just my own belongings and the paperwork from the dealership to show proof of sale in my name. Thankfully, a friend of mine was heading to California anyway, and Corona was on the way there so she offered to take me. By the time we got there, I was told by the Corona PD that it would be free to have the car released. The impound yard, however, had their own fees. Upwards of $2000 that I, nor my friend had. I left California without my car. It was repossessed, and even with the bank offering to give it back if I paid $13,000, I couldn’t get it back.

Since then, I have struggled to get back on my feet. I have since moved far from my old apartment, but I struggle to make ends meet. What’s worse, I was recently let go from my job due to circumstances out of my control. I have applied for multiple jobs, but back and forth ubers to and from interviews have dwindled my savings to negatives, and employers are looking for candidates with a reliable means of transportation. I’ve figured out my living situation and everything else in my life except a car. I’ve reached my breaking point. I am not the type to beg for help, hence why my friend started the gofundme campaign instead of me. I was angry when she first told me, but now I realize I don’t really have any other options. I wouldn’t be asking for help if I hadn’t already exhausted all other options.

If anyone can help, whether by sharing or donating even a dollar, it would be much appreciated. I’m at my wits end. But I also know that should the goal be reached, I will pay it forward. $1000 of the goal money will go towards SafeNest, which is a non-profit organization in Las Vegas that is dedicated to stopping the epidemic of domestic violence in the Clark County (Las Vegas and surrounding cities) area.

Please help if you can. It’d mean the world to me.

#gofundme #signal boost #crowd funding #mutual aid #Las Vegas #charity #this is literally so embarrassing #pay it forward #SafeNest #cash app #Venmo #PayPal #send help #financial help #idk what else to tag #donation #aapi community #donation post

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transarterrified · 6 years

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top surgery

I wanted to write up my experience as a reference for others who are interested in getting top surgery or who want to learn more about it. I’m going to write it kind of like an advice/what I wish I had known or done before. There are a few sections: fundraising, before the surgery, the surgery, and early recovery.

Fundraising

As you may have seen, I did a fundraiser with help from several people, including rgr-pop and start-anywhere, who donated items and labor to the fundraiser. You can still donate if you want the mixes and/or a tarot reading from me, haha. Here is my advice about fundraising:

If possible, make your own website instead of using YouCaring or GoFundMe. If you do want to use a donation site, pick one that doesn’t take a cut of the money. I built a website with Wordpress and purchased a plan that took that ads off the page, which I did more because I needed to do that for my professional website when I go on the job market. I found that it gave me more room to talk about my budget, I was able to track the analytics more tightly, and I think it may have been more rhetorically effective. It might even make sense to use something like Squarespace with a store feature – I think Merritt Kopas did this for her fundraiser.

Offer tangible benefits, but pick ones that are easy to accomplish. For me this was important because I didn’t want people to just give money to me for a variety of reasons. I also was able to do a thing I do all the time anyway and share a skill I’m developing. It helps you reach people who don’t know you, and also encourages people to give more money. It took me a long time to pick two things I wanted to give. I had all kinds of ideas, like screenprinting a cool shirt (I still want to do this), and making a queer tarot zine (I also still want to do this). But at the very correct urging of beneaththeleaf, I narrowed it down to two things that take less time than those crafts. So, briefly, pick benefits that are easy to distribute, easy to make, and free/cheap to make. If you don’t have to ship things, you’ll be able to keep more money.

Let others help you. If your friends have a skill, ask them to contribute something your donors can give for more money. Let your friends help you with managing the contacts you have to make post-donation and with sharing and promoting the fundraiser. It will have more of an impact if you can get ten friends to share or reblog your fundraiser than if you share or reblog your own fundraiser ten times!

Don’t expect fundraising to cover the whole cost. And don’t compare yourself to other people raising money. I wouldn’t have been able to have the surgery without the money I raised. But I also wouldn’t have been able to do it without the money I saved and the money I borrowed. Among my friends who have raised money, the average is about $2000. And you will be fundraising the same time that your friends are, which is awkward. I was fundraising for a surgery the same time as another friend in my extended network, and he raised all $9000 that he asked for. He deserves it! Another friend got top surgery the same week and paid for it all out of pocket. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have fundraised! You have to just let other people’s surgeries be their surgeries and their fundraisers be their fundraisers. Boost yours and other fundraisers you don’t see getting traction as much as possible. It’s shitty and it sucks. But that’s how the internet works.

Let yourself get some money. It took me MANY therapy sessions to accept that I could and should do a fundraiser. I didn’t think I was worth it! I felt like I was taking resources from other people. But that’s not really how it works. As my friend Cass has described to me, being trans on the internet is basically part of being in a huge circle of friends constantly giving each other $30. It feels bad to take that money. But if it’s the only way you can do it, you need to do it! You can give it forward later.

Get ready to feel weird. Asking for money will lead to some weird social circumstances. I got several unexpected large donations and some of those I had to talk with the donors about. Some of your friends are secretly rich, which is weird.

Before the Surgery

Take care of your health. I panicked the week before the surgery because I was convinced I would get sick and then they couldn’t perform the surgery on me. One night, I got off the bus 10 stops before my house because the guy sitting next to me was coughing without covering his mouth. I sucked on so many zinc tablets my taste buds are still fucked up. I even called the surgeon to assuage my fear that it would be ok if I had a cold, and they were very firm with me about not being sick at all being very important. You should think about this before scheduling a surgery a) at the end of the semester or a more stressful period at your job, b) during cold and flu season, and c) during the holidays. I was fine! But it triggered my deepest compulsion and it made me way crazier than I needed to be before getting surgery.

Let other people help you. I didn’t do this as much as I should have, but ask people for help with getting prepared, cleaning your house, whatever will help you be less stressed at least the week before your procedure.

Try to avoid going down the internet rabbit holes. I read A LOT of surgery result stories and felt like it was going to either be me feeling 100% two days later or being bedridden for two weeks. I think there is value in reading people’s stories, but remember, they are stories and sometimes are embellished, and also aren’t the only possible outcomes. I felt like since I hadn’t been working out, taking supplements, etc. etc. it was going to be bad and my long term recovery would be bad. It’s just not true! There are things you can do to prepare, and you should do what makes you feel the most confident. But don’t listen to the advice of every musclebro out there.

Try to R-E-L-A-X. I know this is pointless advice, but try to be calm, meditate, do breathing exercises, etc. Get your blood pressure down. Also, doubt and guilt are totally natural feelings. If possible, I highly recommend reaching out to someone who has had top surgery to talk with them about these feelings if you can. It was really helpful to know it was normal to feel guilty and doubtful, and to also know that those feelings would reside with time.

If you smoke tobacco, they will ask you to stop at least two weeks before surgery. Just keep this in mind!

Day before/of surgery

Pack button-downs only and lots of sweat pants. If you need sweaters, go with cardigans and zip ups. You won’t be able to raise your arms over your head.

Go shopping before you get the surgery. Here’s a list, if you don’t get a package of stuff from your surgeon. I recommend getting these items prior to your procedure:

Two post-surgical binders—you will be provided one most likely. Get another if possible, or even two

If you are doing open drains: thin, wingless pads and extra large bandages. The thin pads will be nicer than the maternity pads they’ll give you to drain into, and eventually you can switch to bandages.

Sleep aids – it can be hard to sleep, even on pain meds.

Ibuprofen or other pain medicine – go off the hard stuff as soon as you can, because you’ll feel bette

Fiber pills – you won’t want to eat a lot, probably, and fiber will help your digestive system get back on track.

Stool softeners or laxatives – see above

Benadryl for itching

Neosporin

Lots of things you like to drink – I got two big bottles of Gatorade, Diet Coke, and cherry lime fizzy water.

Straws

Appealing snacky foods

Baby wipes and/or flushable wipes – I used these for everything and way more than I expected to

A massage ball (e.g., lacrosse ball) or some kind of massage tool for post-surgery massage. I just couldn’t deal with the feeling of pressing on my own incisions and chest; having a massage ball helped.

Laundry detergent--especially if you can bring no-rinse stuff like Soak

You won’t be able to eat before the surgery so eat when you can.

Don’t drink 24 hours before surgery. Some surgeons have harder rules on this. I tried to limit myself to one drink max per day the week before surgery.

The Surgery

This is what my experience was. We got to the surgeon’s office. I had my friend/care partner come in with me. We looked at before and after pictures in the waiting room. There was champagne, but I couldn’t drink it. It’s very strange if you get your surgery at a plastic surgeon’s office!

Very shortly, the first nurse led me into the consultation room. She weighed me (and made a weird comment about me losing weight). I did a bunch of paperwork. The nurse asked me which song I wanted played as I went under. I said something by Reba McEntire. She took my temperature and BP. My BP was 150/90 or something terrible – I told her I had white coat syndrome, and she told me it was relatively normal to have a high BP the day of surgery. I had to take off all my clothes in the bathroom after that, then put on surgical underwear and socks.

After that, she gave me a Valium and some other drugs. She took pictures of my chest from several angles. We waited for a long time. My friend caught some Pokemon. I freaked out. The Valium kicked in. I met with the surgeon. We talked for a long time about what my goals were (which we had already discussed over the phone). Mine were as follows: I didn’t want my nipples to be too close together, and I wanted my chest to look normal for someone of my size. I brought a “wish pic,” but I didn’t give it to anyone and I don’t know if they used it. She drew on my body with a medical marker. She took a lot of measurements and we tried to eyeball where my nipples would go. She rubbed nitro ointment on my hand. Then she left.

We waited more. The anesthesiologist came in and asked a ton of questions and had me do paperwork. She smelled like cigarettes. We waited even more. Then, very quickly, I was ushered into the surgery room. I was swarmed by nurses and the anesthesiologist. I couldn’t tell what Reba song was playing. They put compression pumps on my legs and strapped me to the table. Then I fell asleep and woke up with a new chest. I apparently told everyone Cass was my smartest friend, but only to tell him that he was one of my five smartest friends so he wouldn’t get a big head.

My Procedure

I had a buttonhole done, which is similar to a double incision but it retains a pedicle of nipple tissue, which purportedly increases the chance you will retain nipple sensation. So far, I have some feeling in one of my nipples, which is very rare for top surgery. So I guess that is a good sign.

Early Recovery

You will need more help than you think. I had a pretty fast and smooth recovery. Even with that, I really relied on my care partner to help me dress my drains, rebind, etc. I was also really depressed and lonely after surgery, and he being there was really helpful.

Find some activity you can do that feels productive. We played SO MUCH Pokemon Go and Ingress while I recovered. This was fun for both of us!

The pain may be less than you think. You’re coming off of anesthesia when you are recovering, and your pain might feel less intense as a result. Often you don’t need to take as many pain meds as you are given. For me, the most terrible sensation is…

ITCHING

THE ITCHING (FOR ME) IS TERRIBLE. The nurse told me that opiates make the itching worse (!) and it’s also just part of the wound healing process.

When ready, try to walk and move around. It will help you feel better! But don’t overdo it. I walked a little the first and second day, then a whole lot after that.

Make time to sleep and don’t expect to get work done. It’s really hard for me to envision not working, but for once, I was able to get exactly no work done for a few days. For the first two days, I also slept >12 hours at nighttime and with naps.

I may come back to this and add or remove as I keep recovering!

#top surgery #trans

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