all was golden when the day met the night
chapter 4/5
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start from the beginning
A few weeks go by, and things are good. Eddie’s tattoo is pretty much healed, and he already finds himself absentmindedly tracing it when his thoughts are too loud, or he feels the wisps of anxiety starting to pull at him. Chris is obsessed with it, fingers roaming it as much as Eddie’s, and he even lets him color it in, just like he does with Buck’s ink.
Buck is good as ever, still in the shop every day, his bright eyes and brighter smile still main players in Eddie’s dreams. Every week, he gives him bouquets confessing his love, a small part of him hoping Buck figures it out on his own, a bigger part knowing he never will. He tells Hen as much one day, and she just levels him with an unimpressed glare.
“He’d figure out your feelings a lot easier if you talked to him.”
Eddie looks at her, bewildered. “But then he’d know.”
One day she’s going to roll her eyes so hard at him, they’ll get stuck in the back of her head.
Maybe he hasn’t told Buck everything, but something still feels different between them. Looks feel more charged, hands linger longer, like neither of them actually wants to let go of the other. Maybe it’s because Eddie has stopped fighting his feelings so much, has let them stretch out in his chest instead of keeping them in a ball. It’s not enough to convince him that everything wouldn’t immediately fall apart if he told Buck how he felt, but it’s a little easier to breathe, at least. A little easier to be open and comfortable with his love for Buck, even if he still can’t say as much out loud. When Buck’s eyes dance over his face a little more intensely than normal, he’s not as ripped in half by naive hope and blind terror as he once was. He still thinks he might have the smallest chance, he’s just not sure what to do with it yet.
But, overall, things are good.
Until suddenly, they’re not.
~~~~~~~~~~
He gets the call on Monday for three standing spray arrangements for a funeral the following week. He gives his condolences as he takes down the woman’s info, asking for the funeral home and the name of the deceased to make sure they get to the right place. When she gives the name — Beth Hubbel, her daughter — there’s a spark of recognition.
He searches for her obituary later, feels his blood run cold when he finds it.
Staff Sergeant Elizabeth Hubbel, United States Army Special Forces. Killed in action in Iraq on her third tour of duty.
They were in Afghanistan together during his second tour. They weren’t friends, but they knew of each other, well enough to nod in passing. And while he’s of course devastated for her family, that’s not what really sets him off. It’s the chilling voice that rises up from the very back of his mind as he reads her accomplishments and the names of the people she left behind, whispering in his ear like broken glass That could have been you. It should have been you. Why wasn’t it you?
He hasn’t gone down this hole, his darkest one, in years. That doesn’t make the spiral any slower.
He tries to hold it back as much as he can — for Chris’s sake, for work’s sake, for everyone — but the dam is cracked and the pressure is crushing. The voice never stops, constantly whispering about how he doesn’t deserve any of this, this life he’s built for himself. He had people relying on him, and he let them down, let them die a fiery death in the desert instead of coming home like he’s sure they promised their families they would. Why should he get to live out his dreams when they didn’t? He lies awake at night, seeing nothing but a burning helicopter when he closes his eyes, feels shooting, phantom pains in his shoulder, like the bullet is tearing freshly through it. He’s terrified of the nightmares he knows are lurking in the shadows, waiting for him, so he just stays up. Fights it until the exhaustion smothers him into a quick, dreamless sleep.
He gets worse and worse as the week wears on, pressure pushing on him inside and out, making it hard to move and impossible to breathe. His “normal” facade that’s hiding the cracks takes too much out of him, so he withdraws as much as he can without being suspicious. If people notice something is wrong, they’ll want to help, and this is not something he’s willing to expose anyone to. The toxic gas of guilt is for him alone. It swirls around him everywhere he goes, soaking into his skin and breaking him down until he’s so fragile that the lightest breeze could break him apart if it blows the wrong direction.
They notice. He knows they do.
Hen mans the front desk single handedly, swoops in to greet customers before Eddie can muster the energy to walk out of the back room. Buck chatters even more about his clients when he visits, filling the silence that surrounds Eddie like a vacuum. Even Chris snuggles closer to him during movie night, his warmth the only thing Eddie registers as he stares listlessly at the TV.
They don’t pry, and he’s grateful, because that’s exactly what he wants, but he also feels like screaming. He’s face to face with the walls he put together with his own hands to protect the people he loves, and all he wants to do now is tear them down. They’re keeping the murky water in as it rises and rises, and Eddie can’t swim on his own for much longer.
But he keeps going. He has to. He swims and he stews because it’s not fair for him to ask people to tear down the prison he built for himself.
~~~~~~~~~~
It’s the last delivery of the day on Friday, and it takes every ounce of mental and physical energy he has to keep his hands steady and enter the funeral home. The funeral director shows him to the room, already decorated with pictures of Beth in and out of uniform, Army crests, an American flag draped over the closed casket.
He tries to keep his focus only on the flowers as he sets them up, but his eyes keep drifting to the pictures — Beth smiling with her platoon, with her parents, kissing her wife on their wedding day. She was someone, she’d had a whole life ahead of her, and she was gone. When Eddie was overseas, he had a marriage falling apart, a son that barely knew him, and no plans for a future when he was back on U.S. soil. And he survived. How is that fair?
He finishes setting up, hands shaking because he’s running out of strength to keep them still. He stands by the casket, contemplates kneeling and saying a prayer. It’s been a while — he’s not sure if he remembers how to, or if anyone is even listening. Would they do anything if they could hear him? Does he deserve to have his prayers answered, even if they’re for someone else?
He just places his hand on the flag instead, whispers, “I’m sorry,” and all but bolts out the door to the truck. He turns the AC all the way to cold, turns the music all the way up, tries his best to drown his senses before they can drown him.
It’s not enough.
By the time he makes it back, the shop is dark and empty. He has a text from Hen letting him know she closed up early and took Chris home with her for a sleepover with Denny. He leans against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor, no energy to even make it up the stairs to crawl into bed. His mind is a hurricane, loud and destructive, and he’s feeling so much that he can’t feel anything at all, he’s just numb.
There’s a soft knock on the back door, and Eddie peels himself off the ground to answer it, figures it’s Chris coming back for a video game. He tries to ignore the winds picking up in his head, the whispers that seem to be getting louder, schools his face into something normal before opening the door.
It’s not Chris, though.
It’s Buck.
He’s got his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket and he looks nervous, shifting his weight from side to side. He looks up at Eddie as the door opens, and they just stare at each other, long enough for the storm to keep brewing, strong enough now that Eddie doesn’t think he’ll be able to hold it off much longer.
Buck clears his throat, scratches the back of his neck. “Hey. I, uh— you’ve just seemed really off all week? And I saw you walk in as I was leaving and I just...you looked wrecked. You still do.” His eyes scan over Eddie’s face, like he can see right into him, see the water getting closer and closer to covering Eddie completely.
“Are you okay, Eddie?” Buck asks.
No one’s asked him that in a long time, and he hasn’t asked himself that in even longer. He opens and closes his mouth, trying to figure out the best way to articulate himself that isn’t just an incoherent scream. He feels hot tears fill his eyes that he’s somehow held off until now. It’s too much — the memories, the storm, Buck looking at him with genuine concern in his eyes. His body crumples, finally giving into the pressure, but Buck’s arms are around him before he hits the floor, strong and secure. The scream comes out, sobs quickly following.
He holds onto Buck like a life raft.
Buck maneuvers them to the ground, and holds Eddie tightly, hand rubbing up and down his back, through his hair. He’s shushing him quietly, whispering things Eddie can’t hear as he lets everything go, lets the storm rage on in hopes that it’ll dissipate quickly and with minimal damage.
It’s minutes or days later when he finally runs out of tears. His throat hurts, his face feels puffy, and he feels the dampness of Buck’s shirt from where his face was pressed into his chest. He leans back slowly where he’s sitting in between Buck’s legs, hands scrubbing his face as he takes a few deep breaths. He’s never broken down like that, especially not in front of someone else, and he’s exhausted and embarrassed and just wants to run away, hide in his bed for the weekend or the rest of time.
Buck, however, shows no signs of moving. His hands are on Eddie still, one on his back, one on his side, still holding him close while Eddie gets his bearings again. He feels the warmth of them through his shirt, and it feels as good and as safe as he always imagined it would. Still, he keeps his head in his hands for a little while longer, breaths finally evening out. He doesn’t want to look him in the eye yet, doesn’t want to see the pity because he knows he won’t be able to handle it.
When he does finally look up, Buck just looks worried still, tinged with empathy rather than pity. If his heart wasn’t already smashed to dust, it would crack for Buck, too.
He slowly disentangles himself from Buck until they’re sitting next to each other, shoulder to shoulder, leaning against the door. He doesn’t know what to do — he wants Buck to stay, he wants to tell him to run, he wants to move on from whatever these past few days have been, fix the storm damage and get back to normal.
He sees Buck turn his head out of the corner of his eye, feels his gaze on the side of his face. He stares resolutely at the floor — maybe if he’s still enough, looks put together enough, Buck will take it at face value and leave while he can.
Of course, he doesn’t.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks instead.
And for a minute, he does. He wants to get rid of whatever walls are still left in his head and let Buck in, let him see every decrepit, rotting part of him because he knows, he knows, that Buck will be able to see past all that. He’ll see the good person that Eddie himself hasn’t seen since he left for the desert, and he’ll be able to coax him back into the light.
It’s only for a minute, though. Because then the whispering comes back, roaring in his ears, reminding him that person is gone, and whatever shell is left is not enough, for Buck or for anyone else.
He still can’t ignore the voices, so he just slowly shakes his head. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine.”
Buck keeps staring at him, hands twitching before he slowly reaches over the space between them and grabs his hand. “Talking helps, Eddie. It’s a lot better than keeping everything bottled up like this.”
Eddie bristles at that, the same line he’s heard for years. He knows Buck means well, he always means well, everyone means well when they ask him to talk, but no one gets it. This is just the tip of the iceberg with Eddie. There’s so much darkness swirling underneath that they can’t see, that Eddie will never, ever let them see. Not his parents, not Abuela, not Chris, and not Buck. Especially not Buck. He loves him too much to poison him like that.
He can feel the walls starting to rebuild now that his brain is back online. He doesn’t want to push Buck away like this, knows the small chance he thought they had will disappear if he does, but it’s for Buck’s own good. He’ll see that one day, he thinks.
He stares at their clasped hands before sighing and slowly pulling away. “You don’t need to worry about it. Really, I’ll be alright.”
“Hen told me about the order for this week, at the funeral home. I’m sure that wasn’t easy for you.”
“Buck—”
“Eddie, please, just—”
“You can’t help me,” he says, louder than he means to, as he finally looks Buck in the eye.
Buck looks startled for a minute before his jaw sets, his eyes hardening in determination. “No, I can’t if you don’t let me.”
Eddie scrambles to stand, needs to get away from Buck, from his warmth, everything he doesn’t deserve. “I can’t, okay? It’s— It’s too much. I can barely get a handle on it on my own. You shouldn’t have to worry about it, too”
“I think I can decide that for myself, thanks,” Buck says as he stands too, arms crossing.
“I’m serious, Buck.”
“So am I.”
“Maybe I don’t want your help, did you ever think about that?”
It’s a total lie, but he’s desperate. He’ll do anything to steer Buck away from this. His anger, his sadness, it’s out in the open now, curling around the ceiling in tendrils, threatening to suffocate them both.
Buck freezes, looks like he’s about to keep arguing, but he just deflates instead. He looks at Eddie for another long minutes, and there’s that pity he’s been waiting for. The sadness for Eddie and the mess that he is. Finally, he hears, he finally figured out you’re not worth it.
Buck makes a move toward him, like he did the night he got his tattoo, and Eddie braces for the worst — a slap, a punch, anything to let out the frustration he’s no doubt caused. Instead, Buck just grabs his hand again.
He doesn’t pull away this time.
“I need you to listen to me, okay?” he says, squeezing Eddie’s hand until he knows he has his attention. “You’re my best friend, Eddie. I care about you and Chris more than pretty much anyone in the world. I won’t force you to tell me anything but...I want to help. I want to help you handle it. All of it.” He lets his hand go and walks towards the door, turning back before crossing the threshold. “Just remember I’m here for you, okay? No matter what.”
Eddie watches the door shut as Buck leaves, and he’s alone, again, still trying not to drown.
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my missing puzzle piece
Richie Tozier/Eddie Kaspbrak
Lol idk what this is just that it’s sappy af also this is NSFW
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“Aren’t you guys coming in?” Mike asked, turning around to look at Richie and Eddie. Richie simply shook his head, gently stroking his boyfriend’s arm. “Maybe later. Don’t worry about us Mike.” Eddie said, clearly enjoying the company of the curly haired boy. Mike just shrugged before he jumped into the water, swimming to the rest of the Losers.
Bill just got his boat license and it didn’t take him much to talk his friends into renting a boat for a day. “I’m glad Bev suggested to go swim.” Richie whispered into Eddie’s ear, placing a small peck to his cheek. “I love them but i’m glad that i can spend time with you now. Alone.” The smaller male let out a soft chuckle, slowly opening his eyes to look at his boyfriend. “And why is that?” Eddie asked, a shit eating grin on his face. Richie leaned down, his hand finding it’s way to Eddie’s neck. He then pulled the boy into a slow but passionate kiss, keeping Eddie close to himself.
“I missed you Eddie.” Richie whispered against his boyfriend’s lips after pulling away. Eddie sighed, moving closer to the boy next to him. He didn’t want to think about the weeks he spent with his aunts. It was awful and the fact that he wasn’t able to see his boyfriend for 3 weeks made it even worse. “I missed you too, Rich. I’m glad i’m back.” They kissed again, slow and sweet, both simply enjoying the closeness. But the kiss quickly turned into a more heated one, their tongues colliding and hands roaming each other’s body. They only parted due to the lack of oxygen but the boys stayed just as close as they were before.
Eddie knew his boyfriend and it only took him one proper look to notice Richie’s dark eyes which were filled with pure lust. He knew that Richie wanted to be somewhere else now and Eddie didn’t feel differently. It was the first time that the couple was apart from each other for such a long time. Eddie got pulled back into reality by Richie’s lips on his skin, exploring every inch of his neck. It took Eddie all he had to gently push Richie away, already feeling lost without the feeling of Richie’s soft lips on his skin. “I know what you’re tryna do here and i want it too. But we can’t.” The smaller boy said, looking into his boyfriend’s eyes. A shudder ran down Eddie’s spine, just wanting to feel Richie’s lips on his skin again. “So i’m not allowed to kiss my boyfriend?” Richie asked his boyfriend, gently caressing his cheek.
Eddie playfully rolled his eyes but he leaned into Richie’s touch, shutting his eyes for a moment to collect his thoughts. “You /are/ allowed to kiss your boyfriend but you’re not allowed to bone him on a boat with their friends around them.” he said, resting his head on Richie’s chest. Now it was Richie’s turn to playfully roll his eyes but he couldn’t help the soft chuckle that left his lips. “As if i would ever do that.” he said, running his long fingers through his boyfriend’s hair. “The last time, we didn’t see each other over the weekend and the moment i walked into school, you couldn’t keep your hands off of me.” the brown haired boy said with a straight face but his cheeks turned into a slight rose shade. They both know that Eddie was right and where it led the both of them. “They won’t see us, baby. We just need to be quiet.” Richie began, smiling down at his boyfriend. “But it’s fine. If you don’t want this, we can wait until we get back home.” he added, pressing a small kiss to the top of Eddie’s head.
Eddie didn’t know why he actually considered it but he knew that he wanted Richie just as much as Richie wanted him. “Well then,” he whispered, leaning his head up to Richie’s ear. “Let’s see who’s better at keeping it quiet.” Richie’s eyes immediately darkened and it didn’t take him long to hover over Eddie. His lips quickly found their way back to Eddie’s neck, kissing and sucking at it. The curly haired boy eventually left a few purple marks across Eddie’s neck, being obsessed with the way his boyfriend’s body responded to him. Eddie was squirming beneath him, his nails slightly digging into Richie’s shoulders.
“Rich- Richie please.” Eddie whimpered, slowly grinding their hips together. “Need to feel you.” Richie didn’t wait any longer and he quickly got rid of Eddie’s shorts. They both were unprepared so none of them had any lube with them which led to Eddie sucking at two of Richie’s fingers to get them somewhat wet. Richie knew that it would take them a lot more time to prep Eddie than it would normally and even though the spit did it’s work, it would hurt more so he tried to be as gentle and slow as possible, not wanting to hurt the smaller male beneath him.
Once Eddie felt like he was opened up enough, he pulled his boyfriend into a lovingly but desperate kiss. He didn’t waste any time and tugged at the waistband of Richie’s shorts to give him the signal he needed. Richie immediately understood and pulled away from Eddie, removing his shorts in a quick motion. Eddie wrapped his legs around Richie’s waist, pulling him back on top of him. Richie grabbed the base of his dick, guiding it to Eddie’s entrance. “Let me show you how worth this is.” he said before gently sliding in.
Once he bottomed out, Richie plastered a lot of small kisses to Eddie’s face, waiting for him to get used to the feeling. It took the smaller boy a while but he eventually nodded, cupping Richie’s cheeks with his small hands. Eddie arched his back, letting out a low whimper when he felt Richie almost pulling out all the way only to thrust his hips back against Eddie immediately. They both know they had to be quiet but they were overwhelmed by feeling each other again. Richie moaned softly into Eddie’s ear, thrusting his hips in a slow rhythm.
“God I missed feeling you.” Eddie whispered, moving his hands to Richie’s back, dragging his fingers down once Richie hit the sweet spot inside of him. He let out a rather loud moan, completely forgetting that his friends were right there with them. Richie seemed to have forgotten about them too when he sped up his movements, thrusting into his boyfriend. A moan fell from Richie’s lips, overwhelmed by the feeling of Eddie tightening around him. He wrapped his long fingers around Eddie’s dick, pumping his hand in the same rhythm he thrusted his hips. Eddie bucked up his. hips, trying to get closer to Richie, feeling him deeper inside of him.
“Richie please. I’m- I’m close.” Eddie whimpered, rolling his hips into Richie’s. Moving one leg up to his shoulder, Richie changed the angle of his thrusts, pushing deeper inside of Eddie. The smaller boy let out another moan, his eyes filling with tears. He was overwhelmed by the feeling, already seeing stars. Richie leaned down, thrusting harder into Eddie, pumping his hand faster. “Let go, Eddie. I can feel you holding it in but i’m close too.” he whispered, a moan falling from his lips. Eddie felt the heat pooling in his stomach and not even a minute later, his orgasm rushed through him. With Richie’s name on his lips, he painted both of their stomachs and Richie’s hand with white ropes of cum. Richie moaned out Eddie’s name, cuming deep inside of him. “Oh my god.” he whispered, riding both of them through their orgasm before falling back next to Eddie.
“That was-“ Richie started, turning his head to look at Eddie. “Amazing.” Eddie finished his boyfriend’s sentence, placing a small kiss to Richie’s cheek. Richie smiled at Eddie, pulling him into his arm. “I love you.” he whispered as if it was for Eddie to hear only. Eddie giggled quietly, tangling their legs together. “I love you too.” he whispered, sitting up to press a proper kiss to Richie’s lips.
Stan’s voice was what brought them back to reality. “I love you guys but you could’ve waited until you’re alone.” he yelled at the couple. Richie bursted out into a laugh but Eddie cheek’s turned into a dark red. “C’mon baby,” Richie said, taking Eddie’s hand as he got up. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” Eddie followed Richie’s lead and got up, leaning into his boyfriend’s side. Eddie followed Richie to the front of the boat, not letting go of his hand for one second.
They both counted to three before skinny dipping into the see, holding each other close as they did so and before Richie had the chance to dive back to the surface, Eddie pulled him down. He gently pressed their lips together in a passionate and slow kiss, putting all his feelings into it. And in that moment Richie and Eddie both felt like they could fight the world with each other on their side. They both were that missing piece to make the other feel comfortable.
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