(baz don't read//vent//ed tw//)

Hi! If you're taking request I have one :) Yoongi with a really high fever but doesnt tell anyone and almost passes out during dance practice which worries the others

A.N : aaahh im sorry this taking too long T.T i hope you like this one & meets with your expectation! the idea is so .. interesting i love it!!, and sorry for the lame ending ......... T.T

TW : slight emeto, fainting

Yoongi knows his body was about to give up when he had already been sleep-deprived for the past 3 days, and in addition to that, their concept photos yesterday was involving contact with water and in the middle of winter wind. But he didn't expect that his body will give up in a literal meaning , and in the middle of dance practice, which causes panic from the members as they hovering over him.

Let's retract back —

Yoongi wakes up this morning, already acknowledge that he had a fever latching on him when he's still shivering under his blanket when the air conditioner is off. His assumptions are proven true when the world is tilting the moment he tries to get up and walk to the bathroom, his muscles feel achy, and the wooden floor becomes too cold for his feet. He half-conscious walking to the bathroom, freshens his pale face before rummaging the thickest hoodie he had, and go down to the kitchen where the rest of the members already clattering loudly. The first thing Yoongi sees is Jimin, who's currently putting the coffee pot on.

"You look like shit." Seokjin comments as Yoongi glares at him through half-opened eyes which are barely visible with his blurred sleepy eyes. "I feel like shit", he mumbled as he shoves down few bites of toast that Seokjin prepared, gulped down his daily iced americano before walk away and settled on the couch, resting his already exhausted body for a few minutes before they need to go.

Someone plopped beside him, but the mild thumping on his head didn't let him to open his eyes. That's too much effort. "Hyung are you okay? You look pale"

Yoongi only hums as an answer, letting silence seeped between them before he huffs a warm breathe and stands up as he heard Namjoon calling them to go. He ruffles Jungkook's hair, "I'm fine. a little bit tired" before he walks behind the other.

It's Jungkook.

It's 2 PM now, he has one hour before he needs to get up for dance practice. He let himself succumbing the sickness in his body, his teeth clattering as he trying his best to cover himself with a padded jacket and curled his body smaller in the darkness of his studio. The medicine took longer to kick in. He didn't know how long it had had already been since he's tossing and turning on the couch until someone knocking on his door, calling him that its time for practice.

The rest of the day went like a blur for Yoongi as he's too busy fighting his body to not completely shut down. He managed to go through some interviews as scheduled, downing a bowl of porridge that he requested to the staff as lunch with rice is way too heavy for his upset stomach and bitter tongue, take some medicine, and working few parts of the track before his head spinning.

--

Two knocks

One knock

Yoongi still didn't have it in him to get up. Then he heard the passcode ringing in and the door opened. He groans when the light blazing over his head for a minute before someone that barging into his studio quickly apologize and turning it off again.

Three knocks

"Yoongi-ah! What's wrong? Are you sick?", Yoongi didn't manage to answer any of that train of questions before a cold palm touching his burning forehead. He unconsciously whines when it goes away. It feels nice. " Oh my god, you're burning up!!"

"Hyung", Yoongi rasps, few coughs slipping as he tried to sit up. Seokjin quickly offered him water from his table. " Gosh, Yoongi. You're sick! Why are you even here? Let's go home!", Seokjin tugging his hand, while his other hands start collecting Yoongi's belonging. "Hyung .. i already took meds. Let's go to practice. I will go home with you guys after that"

Seokjin stops turn to Yoongi and give him a stern look. "What if your fever gets worse?" Seokjin asks, voice firm. "No, it wont hyung.. Please don't worry.. let's just go with the others to practice". Seokjin sigh, before reluctantly nodded.

They both headed out, Seokjin hands firm on Yoongi's shoulder as he is afraid the younger might trip on his feet if he let it go. They are greeted with the loud sound of music blaring echoes the room, he could see the other already do some stretching. Yoongi huff, before he drags himself to do the same. " Are you sure you can practice?", Seokjin asks once again. His eyes still trailed over the younger with worry. Yoongi nods, pushing his masks higher so the others couldn't see his pale feature. "Just, don't tell the others hyung. I don't want them to worry", he murmured. Seokjin didn't answer, but settled to stretching beside him.

The first round of practice went well, despite the aching in his muscle and thumping in his head getting worse, Yoongi manages to do it. He ducked his head down, almost groans in pain as he pants for air. It hurts.

"Water?", Yoongi opened his bleary eyes and meet with Seokjin's red face that also panting, with cold water on his hand. Yoongi gratefully accepts, sighing in relief when the liquid seeping down on his throat. "How are you doing?", Seokjin asks, gaining a shrug from the younger, " At least i'm sweating"

Seokjin rolled his eyes, " Don't force yourself"

"I won't"

In the second round of their practice, everything went downhill for Yoongi. He feels faint with every step he takes to dance. Every time he tries to move his legs he feels like it’s going to fail him and collapse underneath him. He can feel all the blood leaving his body as he moves. Not to mention how it's getting hard for him to catch his breath, the thumping in his head gets more prominent, almost lapping with the blaring sound of music. He didn't know when exactly he stopped on his feet, stared blankly on the floor that starts spinning under his feet . The whole room was now spinning around him, the lights seem to have faded out of focus, only a black hole was staring right through his eye. His sight slowly blurring, vision getting blurry. His breathing becoming heavier, he tries not to fall on his feet or knees but fails miserably. He doesn't know which one of the members screaming his name before it all goes black.

—

When Yoongi came back into consciousness, there was a throbbing pain on his head that made him want to groan in pain. He was feeling dizzy from the movement and could barely open his eyes. His ears felt numb, it sounded muffled but he tried to listen to them. What they were saying.

"Hyung!" A voice says. Yoongi flinches and tries to turn his head away, the loud ringing in his ears makes him nauseous. It hurt so bad.

"Hyung! Are you okay?!" Another voice comes and this time he tries to open his eyes, blinking at first, until he can see properly and get his bearings. Yoongi sits up, immediately leaning against something for support and then falls again. He can feel hands on his shoulder, supporting him.

"Hyung?! Hyung what happened? Do you need help?" A third voice. Yoongi doesn't want to look at who it is, he doesn't think he can stand without falling again and he isn't about to risk that. So he lies there, resting his head on the wall behind him.

"Dizzy .. " Yoongi mumbles to himself. Someone touches his cheek, gently moving his hair out of the way. With a hand on his forehead, checking temperature, Yoongi flinches and instinctively leans away from the touch.

"Min Yoongi what did i told you! Gosh, your fever getting worse", Seokjin exclaims. Yoongi heard everyone else talking again, with Seokjin shouting something about getting home. He didn't know. He wants to sleep.

" Yoongi, don't sleep. Can you move for me? We're going home", Seokjin asks, panic clear in his voice. He nods, then he feels himself being lifted up by the arms. He manages to open one eye just enough to make out the blurry shape of the surrounding, as he drags himself out, leaning most of his weight to Seokjin that holding him. Walks to the car feel way longer than Yoongi liking. Nausea that settled deep in his stomach now become worse as his inside jostles with every step he takes.

"Hyung", he croaked out, " Can we stop? i feel sick"

Before he knows, he already lurches forward along with his breakfast and his lunch earlier, soiling the green bushes under his feet. His throat burns, his eyes sting with tears, a burning sensation on his tongue. "Shh Yoongi.. it's okay. Everything is fine. Let it all out," Seokjin said, soothingly, though he did seem concerned. Yoongi can barely see through the tears streaming down his face. He squeezes his eyes shut when another stream of his stomach content gurgling up and rushing from his lips. His mouth was dry, but he could only focus on making sure that nothing would come up his throat, "I think I'm done", he rasped out weakly, not caring if it came out scratchy or wet.

He woke in the morning with a groggy feeling, feeling much better than yesterday had. When he rolled over, he saw 6 others figure scattering on his and Seokjin's room, with Seokjin sleeping on his side. He tried to shift his position when something wet fall over his forehead, a damp cloth. " Hyung? You're awake?", Hoseok raspy voice seeping through Yoongi's ears. He watched the younger yawn and stretch his body before plopping himself beside him.

The ride back felt like hours, even Yoongi spent most of it with sleeping. Once they got home, he stumbled into his room, falling face first onto his bed and letting himself finally fall asleep before he could hear any more of Seokjin trying to coax him into eating anything.

--

" Yeah I am", Yoongi managed, still feeling groggy, " Why are you here, isn't everyone have schedule today?"

"They come rushing yesterday and didn't want to leave you until you wake up, they said", Seokjin rasps as he collects himself.

"Yeah, you're scaring us hyung, and Seokjin hyung completely ignored us when we ask! So we just crashed here", Hoseok whines, " Are you feeling better?"

Yoongi bites off smile that wants to erupt from his lips, "I guess? not as shit as yesterday", he mumbled, almost yelps when a cool hand touching his forehead out of nowhere.

"At least your fever already breaking down", Seokjin hums before stand up, slapping Hoseok lightly on its way, "Wake up the others, i will make Yoongi something to eat"

Maybe i like it

It was a winter evening where Jungkook and his mother were waiting for Jungkook's childhood best friend and his crush  .Jimin had moved to Seoul since he was a teenager leaving jungkook in busan , they kept in touch after that so much year . Jungkook was moving with jimin after being accepted in university and jimin offered to move to his flat .

Jimin arrives running , even though they videocall pretty often jungkook couldn't help but staring at jimin's face , he always thought jimin was handsome but now he looks gorgeous . 

"I'm sorry for being late , the traffic was terrible , good evening jungkookie and mrs. Jeon '' he bowed and smile warmly at them 

"Oh god , jimin you change a lot since the last time i saw you , you are all grown up " mrs. Jeon chuckle while looking at jimin

"We both did , it's been so long since jimin hyung left "jungkook say the last part with a really fake sad tone making jimin laugh as he brush the younger's hair 

" well , just come here to leave jungkookie and my train leaves in 20 minutes " she sigh turning back to his son and hugging him tightly , jungkook hugged her back " Please jungkookie take care,ok ? Don't skip meals and sleep early , ok ? And don't forget to call home often " 

"I will mom , don't worry " his mom pull away from the hug and look at him grabbing his hand " I let jungkook come to seoul because i know you are going to take care of him and if you can try to put some meat on his bones , no matter how hard i try to tell him to stop exercising so much and skipping meals he just ignore me he is really stubborn " she laugh seeing her son look indignant expression 

"I'm not stubborn , mom ! " he pouts, offended , jimin laughs, " don't worry mrs. Jeon i will take care care of him and make sure he eats well " 

After Jungkook's mom left , Jimin helped the younger with his luggage as they looked for a taxi talking about things and how excited Jungkook was about his first day . The journey was really short when they arrive they were really tired 

"Oh man , i'm so tired " he yawns while sitting in the sofa " i can show you your room so you can unpack your things and get comfy " jungkook nodded taking his luggage with him , the room was clean and warm " this room look so comfy hyung " jimin smile at him " im glad you like it , im gonna order some food im sure you are hungry i call you when it arrives " jungkook hummed as he started unpacking his clothes 

Jungkook unpacked some all of his clothes and change his jeans into some sweatpants and a oversized black t-shirt , he went to the living room and jimin was putting the food on the coffee table 

"Oh jungkookie , i was about to call you to have dinner come on sit down " jungkook did at he was told while looking at all the food 

"Hyung isn't it a bit too much for just the two of us ?" There was a lot of food in the coffee table : 3 boxes of pizza,chips,chicken and coke its was a lot for just two people 

" I got a good discount , we can save what we can't finish for tomorrow, '' he answered softly. Jungkook shrugged satisfied with the older man's answer , he grabbed a slice of pizza and shoved it in his mouth , they were watching a film while eating .

When he movie was ending , jungkook squirmed uncomfortable he was so focused on the movie that he doesn't realize he had eaten almost all the food , there was still some slices of the last pizza and some coke in the coffee table and a lot of wrapped too 

" you can have the rest of the pizza if you want " jimin say as he push the box closer to the younger  

"You don't want it ? I'm full hyung " jungkook rub his swollen tummy trying to ease the pressure on his stomach 

"Nah , im full too " he lied , in fact  he just ate two slices of pizza and some coke " but you have a big appetite , i'm sure you can't fit the rest of the food in there " he poked jungkook's tummy , laughing when he saw the younger's cheeks blushed 

Jungkook  grab the slice of pizza and start eating it when he finish the rest of the pizza he was lean back in the sofa , his belly was really swollen and it hurts , the waistline of his sweatpant were cutting painfully into his tummy, he whined in discomfort , he feel like he was gonna pop , he try to rub his belly to stop the discomfort even tho it didn't help that much . 

"Are you ok , kookie ?? " when jungkook see his hyung face , his eyes were full of concern 

"I-i just eat t-too much "he blushed fuck he doesnt even know who he managed that much his belly groan in discomfort 

“oh kookie ...do you want me to help ?” Jungkook doesn't know how jimin would help him but he nodded , jimin lift him and put him on his lap and started rubbing his belly. The older´s hands feel good  easing the pain. He closed his eyes on pleasure ? 

He suddenly burped loudly when Jimin pressed a hard spot on his belly . His cheeks blushed too embarrassed to look at his hyung , he would probably be disgusted but jimin unbothered continued rubbing his belly he burped a few more times when the pressure on his gut stopped and it became a warm and enjoyable sensation it was confused but he really enjoyed it .

" do you feel better, Kookie ? " jimin ask on a soft tone his thumb tracing back and forth gently

" y-yeah , thank you hyung" he try tried to avoid his voice from being shaky, failing pathetically

"How about you go and rest ? I can't clean all of this don't worry " his soft expression towards him , he gets up and helps jungkook to get up too 

" ok , thanks hyung , good night " he smile softly at him 

" night kookie "he waved smiling him back 

Jungkook waddled slowly to his room ,he changed into his pajamas and he saw himself in the mirror looking at his swallow belly. He pressed his finger on it , it was still kinda hard from all the food . Fuck he had really overdid it , he had never eating so much and the thing that freak him out the most was the fact that he actually enjoy it , the warm feeling on his middle was almost pleasurable . He shakes his thought off and lying on his bed rubbing his belly until he feel asleep 

------------------------

The following weeks Jimin made sure Jungkook was being well-feed , making sure that he always had food near him and after all of those weeks of indulging some chances were seen on the younger's body .He had gain a noticeable amount of weight on this time , his adbs melted on a proud belly , his once muscular thighs were now thicker , rubbing each other when he walk , his cheeks had get chubbier making him look cute . Also his appetite had grow and jimin make sure he handle him some snack while he was doing homework 

Jungkook wasn't blind about his obvious weight gain which at the beginning was surprising since in his whole life he was fit but suddenly he gain so much weight but then he realized maybe he like how softer he had gotten or how much he liked the pleasure feeling when he is stuff to the brim

But jimin was also liking the younger´s changes , he had always been touchy with  jungkook but lately he couldn't stop himself from hugging or touching discretely his tights or just pinching his cheeks , he was just so cute and sexy for his own sake 

-------------------------

That morning jungkook had a class in the afternoon and he was currently struggling to pass his jeans from his knees ,getting out breath just by the small action but he finally manage to do so but now he had a new problem his plush tummy was getting on the way making it difficult to button his jeans , he sighs loudly as he started trying to button it when he hear the older knock the door 

"Come in " he answer as he continue trying to button the jeans 

"Kookie , are you ok ? "He ask in concern as his cheeks blushed at the younger on a way too tight jeans and his tummy making it hard to close them 

"Yeah , i'm just trying to close this jeans but it's so difficult " he mumbled as he sighs again 

"Can i help you , kookie ? " he says as he got closer to the younger as he saw jungkook nod " suck your belly in , it might more easier that way "the younger did was he was told struggling a bit but the older notice so he button the younger's jeans as quickly as he can watching the younger smile 

" Thanks for helping me hyung " he smiles trying to ignore how tight his pants feel as he sits down on his bed to put his shoes on when he hears a loud pop , he looks down realizing that he had popped the button making him blush madly feeling amazed about the fact that he got fat enough to pop a button but at the same way he feeling scared that the older feel disgusted by him  . 

The older eyes widened as his cheeks blushed too realizing how much weight jungkook had gain that he popped a button , there was a pregnant silent between them as the younger feel like he would break into tears if jimin doesnt say something but luckily he did 

He hope he wasn't reading the younger wrong but he always notice the way jungkook "discreetly " stared at his body at the mirror and how he enjoy stuffing himself so he decided to say was he always wanted to say to the younger

"Fuck …. Thats hot " he mumbles as got closer to jungkook watching the younger's cheeks blushed madly 

"Y-you think is hot ? "He ask softly blushing even more when he feel the older rubbing his soft tigh making him bite his lip softly

"Of course …. And i'm sure you do too , i haven't miss the way you look at yourself at the mirror or the way you enjoy indulging yourself so much , baby ~" he whispered near the younger's ear as he rubs the younger's tummy softly hearing him gasp in surprise 

"Fuck ,yes i do " he mumbles as he push his tummy against the older's hand 

"God , jungkook i like you since we were on highschool and now fuck you had gotten so soft that i can help my hand to myself " he hear the younger let out a small moan when he squeeze the younger's lovehandles

"I-i … also like you since highschool ,you had gotten more hot since there " he mumbles shyly as he feel jimin leaning forward kissing him passionately after pulling away to catch their breath as they suddenly heard jungkook's belly rumble in hunger making him blushed 

"Looks like someone is hungry already ~ how about you skip classes today and we order some food , uhm ? " he mumbles as he squeeze the younger's cheek 

" i like the idea " he chuckled softly as he saw the older grab his phone and order some fast food 

That night jungkook end up stuffed past his limits as he older rub the younger's tummy, pressing his fingers on it making him blench loudly as jimin mumble soft praises at the younger , jungkook was sure he could get use to it 

“Beautiful”

TW// ED?? Ish?? Just my experience and im not gonna self diagnose

(Read at your own risk!! I’d hate to trigger anyone hh)

i am looking away as i project instead of talk to people about it 

(Also Kaito and Kokichi are brothers but Ouma was adopted and uses his last name because he feels it’s still a part of him and yes they’re fine with it and yes he loves his parents and they love him) also me getting worse? more likely than you think —

= 

There’s a bit of progress.

Shuichi pushed his hand against his stomach, trying to flatten it as much as possible. He remembered reading somewhere that your lower stomach would never be perfectly flat, seeing as you had your intestines that were taller than you in there.

You probably can if you try hard enough.

Shuichi grimaced once he looked at his face, running his hand through his hair. When was the last time he showered? He probably should. He cupped his face, gently squishing his cheeks. His face looked slimmer than before.

This is good. This is progress. We won’t go too far, we just wanna loose a few pounds. There’s nothing wrong with that.

He softly smiled at his reflection, ignoring the slight shaking in his hands. He didn’t want to go too far. He heard that not eating can cause hair loss. He didn’t want that to happen, so he wouldn’t go to far.

You’re doing good. This is good.

Shuichi laid back down, gently rubbing his forehead. Were his hands always this shakey?

Probably. It’s nothing to worry about, you can still write and draw fine if you need to.

He frowned at the familiar feeling of discomfort, yet his stomach didn’t growl. Maybe his body was just adjusting. He remembered reading somewhere that not eating just makes you gain more weight.

Which, probably wasn’t true. You look skinnier when you don’t eat.

He pulled out his phone, typing a question into google.

How many calories should 18 year old boy eat?

2,400

He thought about it. He definitely didn’t eat that many. A hot pocket and instant ramen. How much was that? 

Hot pocket is 600 calories.

He looked it up.

371 calories.

Yeah, he’ll be fine. He feels fine. Shuichi looked at himself in the mirror, feeling panic wash over him. He didn’t look skinnier. Had he gained weight? He hadn’t weighed himself in a while. It was possible. He only ate two things. That wasn’t a lot.

Except that slice of cake was a lot.

Shuichi laid back down, curling up in a ball. He wrapped his fingers around his wrist. They could still touch. He sat back up, ignoring how he felt dizzy and how his vision darkened for a second. He pulled down his shirt collar, running his hand over his collar bone. It was more apparent now. Not all of his work had gone to waste. He wasn’t going to make himself throw up. He didn’t want to throw up and have to deal with the burning pain in his throat that would last for hours, or feel the lack of energy after it. When was the last time he drank water? He glanced at the half filled water bottle, grimacing. Water doesn’t have calories, but it would make his stomach more obvious. 

He wasn’t that thirsty anyway.

— 

Shuichi sat down with his friends, who were currently talking about getting together to study. He wasn’t really paying attention, his mind seemed a bit hazy. Not too much, luckily. When an ad of someone eating came up, he frowned.  It never made sense how people could just eat without worrying about what would happen. 

Maybe he was just a little scared of food. No big deal. The thought of eating just made him feel sick and scared.

“Hey, are you listening Shuichi?” Kaito suddenly asked, one of his eyebrows raised. Saihara sheepishly smiled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry, I spaced out. What were you saying?” “We all said that were gonna meet up this Saturday at 2 pm. Is that good?” Kaito asked, his usual confident smile on his face. “Yeah, I don’t have any plans,” Shuichi replied, tugging on a loose string. “Great! We’ll see you there!” —

This whole thing was a bad idea.

The five of them, consisting of Kaito, Kaede, Harukawa, and Ouma (including himself) were cramped into a small booth. Ouma kept throwing small bits of food at Kaito when he wasn’t looking, Kaede kept trying to stop Ouma, (though, he kept crying whenever she said anything about it) and Harukawa kept glaring at him from across the table. Shuichi didn’t have time to look over the food, (calories, really) so he just chose something that sounded good. It ended up being soup, which he was mostly fine with.

Mostly fine with.

Shuichi didn’t want to eat. He wasn’t hungry. He ate enough yesterday. “Hey, Saihara chan! You okay? You look like you swallowed a whole rock!” Kokichi chirped, an excited smile on his face. Shuichi just nodded, pulling at the loose hoodie he was wearing.

He’d be fine. It was just a bowl of soup. It’s not a big deal.

He just stirred the soup, trying to think of ways to quickly finish it.  The loud noise felt so overwhelming. He just wanted to leave. To go back home. “I’m gonna be right back,” Saihara abruptly stood up and left to the restroom. He just needed some time to think, to calm down. He quickly locked himself in a stall, leaning against the door. 

He felt so, so sick.

Saihara took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes. He was overreacting. If he didn’t eat, his friends would suspect something. He didn’t want to answer any questions about eating, so he’d have to eat. He shouldn’t be having to deal with this. He missed being able to eat and not think anything of it. He didn’t know when this started. It felt as if,

this,

had been going on for as long as he could remember. Shuichi rubbed away the tears that had managed to slip out. He shakily took a deep breath, (was it always this hard to do anything?) and opened the door. He didn’t say anything when he saw Ouma waiting at the entrance. “Heya Saihara chan!” Ouma walked up to the other, a soft smile on his face. “Uh, hey,” Saihara muttered, splashing his face with water. “Soo! You okay? You looked a tinyyy bit upset earlier!” “I’m fine, I just had a headache,” He murmured, the lie easily slipping off his tongue. It wasn’t exactly a lie, but not exactly the truth either. A half truth at the best. Kokichi hummed in acknowledgement. “So, are you gonna leave because of that nasty headache?” He asked innocently, tilting his head. Trying to find holes in his story. “Maybe, I don’t want it to get worse,” He replied. More lies, more half truths. Ouma just nodded, still staring at him. Shuichi finished washing his hands and quickly dried them off, shoving them into his pockets.

Was he always so cold?

“Well, uh, I’m gonna go home. Can you tell them why? I don’t wanna interrupt  them,” He looked away, fidgeting. Kokichi just nodded and placed his hands behind his head. “Sure thing Saihara chan!” — Shuichi was laying down, tears running down his face. Things were getting worse and worse, and he felt so helpless. He kept trying his best, sleepless nights studying and memorizing things he’d probably never have to use.

It didn’t matter anyway, it was never enough. He wasn’t enough.

Everything hurt. He hadn’t eaten for a while. He had two bites of egg, but it made him feel so nauseous and guilty he just threw the rest away when no body was looking. He was tired. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t do much other then watch the clock tick away, waiting for the day to be over.

A knock at the door.

Shuichi, of course, ignored it. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, and didn’t want to deal with his heart feeling it was going to beat out of his chest and his vision blacking out for a a few seconds.

Though, he had gotten used to it.

The knocking continued. Shuichi groaned and stood up, grabbing onto his dresser so he wouldn’t fall. His vision took longer to clear up, and he still felt dizzy. 

It’s just an inconvenience. Don’t worry about it.

He stumbled over to the door, taking a second to rub his head in hopes it would clear up the dizziness.

Spoiler alert, it didn’t work

. He opened the door, staring at Ouma grinning up at him. “Hey Saihara chan!  Fancy seeing you here!” He exclaimed, eyes shining in excitement. “I live here,” Shuichi deadpanned, quietly sighing. “I know!” Kokichi chirped, gently pushing past Shuichi and walking in the house. “Uh, Ouma kun, why exactly are you here?” He asked, closing the door and following him. “Oh, you know,” He very helpfully replied, a nonchalant expression on his face. “But hey! Since I’m here, why don’t we do something fun!” He abruptly said, spinning around to face the other boy. “I don’t know, I’m kinda busy,” He replied, avoiding eye contact. “Busy with what?” Kokichi asked, getting closer to his face. Saihara backed away, looking uneasy. “With stuff,” he vaguely replied. Ouma sighed, grabbing his hand, only to let go a second later. “God Shumai, why’re you so cold?” He asked, pouting. Shuichi just muttered something, messing with the loose sleeves of his hoodie. It was quiet for a few seconds. Kokichi kept staring at Shuichi, trying to figure *something* out. Saihara kept shifting in place, feeling more and more panicked as the seconds passed. “We can watch a movie then!” Ouma suddenly exclaimed, a soft smile on his face again. Shuichi just nodded, nervously smiling back. “Do you have popcorn?” He asked. Shuichi just mumbled, “Yeah, probably.” After a few minutes, they put on a random movie and had a bowl of popcorn sitting in between them. Kokichi offered some every now and then, only for Shuichi to say no everytime.

He could just grab some.

“I’m gonna be right back, you don’t have to pause it,” Shuichi muttered, standing up. He still felt a bit dizzy, and standing definitely didn’t help. Kokichi just nodded, eyes glued to the screen. Shuichi locked himself in the bathroom and took a deep breath. It used to be he was hungry but didn’t eat. But now, the smell and thought of food made him feel nauseous.

You could eat and make yourself throw up.

He grimaced. It wouldn’t be difficult, really. He could just stick two fingers into his mouth until he threw up. He could. It’d be easy. It’d be no big deal. He shakily sighed, covering his face. He didn’t like throwing up. It hurt, and it made it even harder to breathe. It was also just gross. 

But it might make things a but easier. You don’t have to force yourself to throw up, but you can try. Like drinking a lot of water.

.

Yeah, he could do that.

After a few laboured deep breaths, he left the bathroom and sat back down on the couch. Kokichi continued the movie (though, he didn’t have to pause it,) and smiled at him. Shuichi smiled back, wrapping the blanket around them.

Why did he feel so scared? So sad? It didn’t make sense, he was fine right now.

“You ok Saihara chan?” Kokichi quietly asked, still staring at the screen.

He’s really not. He’s not. He’s not ok. He needs to talk to someone. Something’s wrong.

“Yeah, it’s nothing,” He murmured, taking a deep breath. Ouma just nodded and gently grabbed his hand, just loose enough so he could pull away if he wanted. Saihara squeezed his hand, trying to ground himself. He was

fine.

Ouma squeezed back, a small smile on his face. 

Is it really a white lie if you don’t think it’s a big deal?

—————

Hm - DA ☄️✨

✧༺♥༻∞

yyeah ouch I wish I could him a hug,, the line “He couldn’t do much other then watch the clock tick away, waiting for the day to be over.“ hit me very hard so that’s what I based this end doodle on (-JJ)

ahh i keep forgetting about this page!! failed today bc my family wanted to get fast food and i just.. idk fell into it. i don’t have an excuse. ate 1587cal which scares the shit out of me but hey, it’s still in a deficit so even though it’ll make me lose a LOT slower im still losing and that’s all that matters. i’ve learned that being super harsh on myself just doesn’t work after a while so im now trying the approach of being like a patient mom with a bratty child. i keep misbehaving and doing things i know damn well i shouldn’t but my patient mom self is just standing there gently correcting me and encouraging me to persevere. i think it’ll work honestly, the few times i’ve relapsed after “recovering” i’ve always given up by this point, but rn i still feel just as motivated. even though so far it’s been hit or miss, i know im losing, and honestly at this point im willing to wait longer. i think eventually i’ll be able to get ahold of myself and stay under 800cal a day and lose faster so im not worried. if i had adopted this strategy instead of hopelessly bingeing and hating myself for failing which only led to more binges i would be 115lbs by now, easy.

anyway i wanted to rant bc i can’t do it on my instagram where i normally would bc yk people do not know about my ed so im doing it here yay!!! i am just feeling so resentful and jealous tonight idk. i was just laying in bed thinking about my body, feeling it, hating it yk as per usual, and then i open tiktok and see this skinny mf who is like my body goals ed-wise and gender-wise just dancing around in a doorway and of course all the comments are just worshipping them, and it just made me so upset. im always upset about this. it’s like people can consider fat people beautiful only under certain strict conditions, and even then there’s still a TON of people saying they’re ugly. but skinny people? shit, you can look like anything and people will just effortlessly find you attractive if you’re skinny. it’s the default. it’s neutral. it’s just automatically attractive. and that’s such bullshit and it makes me so mad. why don’t I have that? GOD

and like the other day i thought something to myself that’s really been resonating w me & i keep thinking about it despite literally starving myself rn, & it’s “my body will look like what it’s meant to look like.” bc yes i lost a ton of weight while i was starving myself and then gained even more back once i stopped. i had gotten to the point where i was just eating whatever i wanted to without caring. it tasted good. i enjoyed it. so i ate it. and that was so fucking great, but it resulted in me gaining like 20lbs. and i kind of had this thought that like, hey, when i let myself be free and eat what i want, this body is the result. maybe this is what im meant to look like. i just wish i could fucking accept that, you know? and i wish it were the ideology everyone adopted. not skinny = attractive, not everyone should strive to be thin, but everyone’s body is unique and beautiful and everyone’s body looks like what it’s meant to look like. i mean, imagine being unlimited in your food choices and it’s just completely okay? whatever you want to eat and whatever body results from that is okay? not even necessarily super attractive, just okay. man.

i’ve also noticed im chubby enough now that my hip bones don’t poke into the mattress. this is a plus bc i can lay on my stomach, v comfortable, but also a minus because im anorexic and oh my fucking god it used to hurt to lay like this bc my hips were so sharp and now it doesn’t and i need to lose this weight right now. so i am conflicted.

anyway. things are going alright. wish me luck on my exams lol i am not feeling confident

The Way Old Friends Do

Summary: Basically Tim and his best friend are having a movie night and they're being dummies together and then they’re like “oop mayhaps I like you”

Content: Adult Tim Murphy being a soft chaotic cutie with his best friend, who is also being a soft chaotic cutie. I think the word “dumbass” is used twice. Oh, also, there’s a tiny bit of kissing oop

A/N: Hello, I don't really know what I’m doing. All I know is that I love adult Tim Murphy and I really wanted to take a shot at writing something so I came up with this. I know it’s not great - it’s my first time doing something like this so please be kind. I would love to hear your feedback, though! I really hope you enjoy this dumb thing and I hope that it’s not absolutely terrible. Also, I’m not really sure what information I am supposed to be providing up her, sooo uh, I’m sorry if I forgot something. I’m scared for you to read this don’t hate me okay enjoy :)

“Tim you’re annoying”

“Yes, and?”

You were both sitting on the floor of the living room, trying to throw pieces of popcorn into each other’s mouths and failing. You had been watching The Muppets movie (the one with Jason Segel and Amy Adams because you both agreed that it was superior) and got distracted. You both really were just watching it for the songs because you both knew every word by heart and would scream them at the top of your lungs. His mom or Lex usually had to walk in and tell you both to shut up, but you always just giggled and continued on with your stupidity.

“You’re also dumb” you told him as you pelted him with popcorn.

“Rude but okay” Tim replied as he tried to dodge and deflect the kernels.

“You didn’t disagree. Hah. I win I’m always right” you cackled as you puckered your lips and threw up a peace sign.

“You’re a dumbass oh my god” he muttered, hitting down your peace sign.

He laughed and rolled his eyes. He smacked your arm lightly, trying not to hurt you. You smacked his back, trying to hurt him because, I dunno, that sounded like fun and you were becoming exhausted and goofy. He flinched and looked at the little red spot you left on his arm, laughing it off.

“If im a dumbass, then you’re an idiot” you mocked, giggling like crazy. Suddenly you were cackling, and rolled back on the floor, crunching stray popcorn kernels as you hit the floor. You laid on your back and your stomach bounced up and down as you laughed.

“What is your problem?” Tim laughed as he watched you struggling to catch your breath on the floor. You covered your face, desperately trying to get the words out.

“I—“ you tried to gasp for air in the midst of your laughing fit. You were now rolling on the ground, more stray popcorn crunching beneath you, and tears were streaming down your face from laughter.

“y/n, oh my god, relax” he began to cackle too and rolled on his back next to you, cracking pieces of popcorn under the weight of his body.

“We’re SO DUMB” you shouted through laughs.

Tim laughed too. You were both trying desperately to catch your breath, laughing over absolutely nothing. You swung your legs through the air, trying to gain control of your laughter and failing miserably.

“I’m literally crying” you exclaimed, looking at him laying next to you and laughing even harder once you made eye contact.

Something about locking your eyes made you lose it, even though there was nothing funny. He was laughing because of how hard you were laughing. Your face was red, you couldn’t breathe, and you kept having to wipe the tears from your face, but you were so happy so it didn’t matter. You hadn’t had a good laugh in a long time.

“I think we need sleep” Tim giggled, watching as you rapidly descended into the slap happy part of exhaustion and enjoying every second of it.

He sat up on the floor and watched as you began to calm down, finally catching your breath and no longer crying from laughing. His hand was next to your head as he watched you calm down. His eyes found their way to the tv screen and he watched and hummed along quietly as Amy Adams sang ‘Me Party.’ He fiddled with a straggler popcorn kernel he found on the floor. You looked up at him. He was your best friend. You loved him so much and he loved you too, even though you were both idiots. He laid back down on the floor, sighing. He folded his arms behind his head and watched the ceiling fan spin. He began to think.

“I love you” he sighed.

You paused and sat up and looked at him, kinda shocked by the way he said it. This boy was the best friend anyone ever had. He made you laugh like crazy, obviously, and he made you happy. You were both chaotic idiots when you were together, but it was so much fun. He knew how to make you feel better when you were sad and he would have dance parties with you when you needed it. You loved him, and you said so quite often and he would always say it back. But this time it was different. He really meant it.

He looked up at you with a goofy smile. Then his face looked panicked as his brain registered that you were shocked. He started wracking his brain and kicking himself internally for saying it like that. Why couldn’t you just keep hiding it? He felt dumb.

“Oh, I’m sorry, it’s just, you’re my best friend and I like you a lot”

You smiled at him. He was beginning to ramble about your friendship and how he really was the biggest idiot he knew, so you reassured him.

“I love you too, Tim” you said sweetly as you gazed down at him.

He stared at you, shocked. He was frozen for a second and then tried to sit up. You didn’t wanna make him feel awkward or weird, so you settled back down to your place on the floor, just looking at him for a few seconds as he relaxed next to you. He was a cutie, with his inquisitive brown eyes and boyish charm. You looked up at the ceiling fan too, enjoying your time with your best friend. You began to scoot closer to him, your head near his shoulder. His arms, which were folded behind his head, suddenly moved and he unfolded them. He dragged his left arm down, under you, and you rested your head on his chest as you laid there on the floor. He smiled as his eyes watched the ceiling fan spin.

Your heart was pounding. You were afraid he would be able to feel it hammering against your rib cage, onto his. You had had feelings for Tim before, but you always had pushed them away because you didn’t think he felt the same about you. But maybe he did. You gazed at him. His red hair was blowing in the light breeze that was created by the fan and the tips of his ears had begun to turn pink. You smiled, knowing that this only happens when he gets nervous or excited about something.

“Y/n,” he said quietly, his heart slamming against his chest. Tim was worried you’d be able to feel his heart trying to hurl itself out of his chest. He loved you so much, and he had had feelings for you for a while but never acted on them. He didn’t wanna make you uncomfortable. He treasured your friendship and didn’t wanna do anything to jeopardize it.

You looked at him, smiling. “Yeah?”

“I—“ he paused. His heart was pounding. “Could you— could I— could we— could we, maybe, if you want to, if not that’s totally cool but would you— um would you maybe like to kiss me?”

He was still laying on the carpeted floor, staring straight at the ceiling fan. He was terrified. He knew this could be a make or break for your friendship, and he was hoping with every fiber of his being that he didn’t just ruin the best friendship he had ever had. His whole body was hot as the anxiety flooded his mind.

“Oh” you said, sitting up and resting on your elbow. He watched you sit up and he began to panic even more. What if she’s leaving? What have you done. You idiot.

“Oh, I’m sorry” he said, “this is so dumb I’m sorry.”

He sat up and leaned against the wall, doing his best not to be awkward. It did not work. He looked a little funny with his eyes wide open, scared of what was to come, and little white pieces of popcorn sticking to the fabric on his shirt. However funny you thought he looked, you knew it wasn’t funny to him so you didn’t laugh. You knew he was terrified and you didn’t wanna make anything worse.

“N-no it’s not dumb. I’d like to” you sighed and smiled at him.

His eyes met yours. He was so surprised you said yes. You leaned over, sitting with your legs crossed. He slowly leaned forward, away from the wall. He looked back and forth between your eyes and your lips as he leaned forward. You had both wanted this for so long, but were both too nervous to do anything. Suddenly, his nose was brushing yours. You both smiled ever so slightly. You looked at his smile. It was the sweetest one you’d ever seen, and it was so genuine.

Finally, you pushed yourself forward and kissed him gently, softly. Your hand rested on his chest, and he held it there. You quickly pulled away smiling a small smile, and he sat with his legs crossed and looked at you. His dark eyes gazed at you in disbelief. You laughed shyly at the goofy expression on his face. You put your hands on his knees and leaned towards him slowly. He followed. You both sat there. Forehead to forehead.

“I’m gonna kiss you again” you whispered.

He nodded and before you could even lean any closer, he kissed you. This time there was more to it. He put his hands on your cheeks and smiled. Your hands moved to his shoulders as your lips moved slowly against his. You could feel him smiling against your mouth and you began to do the same. As you pulled back, you revealed your smile to the boy who you’d called your best friend for years. With your hands still on his shoulders, you looked into his eyes and kissed his cheek softly and quickly. You sat in front of each other, just looking. You grabbed his hand and watched as his face turned red.

“I love you” he whispered. He was watching your every move. He didn’t wanna miss it if you wanted to kiss him again.

“Yeah, you’re alright I guess, dino boy” you said back with a cheeky smirk on your face.

His eyes suddenly widened and the look on his face was back to its goofy, playful self. He pushed your shoulder and you fell back, both of you laughing again.

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

Chapter 3: The Island (Dusk)

When I woke up, the light from the sunset cast an orangey hue in the room. I grabbed my phone off the bedside table. The screen displayed a shit ton of notifications and the time, which read 8:21 P.M. No matter how long I’d been living in the upper hemisphere I never got used to the crazy daylight hours during the summer. I opened the only chat I cared about at the moment and without reading the unread messages I held my thumb on the voice message icon.

“Um hi. Sorry I haven’t been able to get back you, but Im doing alright—just a bit hungover from last night. The girls are keeping me distracted... you could even say I’m enjoying myself—“, I chuckled with no humor. “I’ll keep you posted and tell you more about it when I get back next week... love you guys.”

With a bleep, I sent the recording and locked my phone, throwing it on the mattress. I sat up on the edge of the bed, stretching my body which was still sore. At least the queasiness was gone.

I headed to the shower, turning on the faucet all the way up hoping the hard stream of cool water would drown the dull sound of music coming from the pool area. It was imposible though, and the piece of mind I’d achieved while asleep was once more put to an end by my overthinking.

Was it really the right thing to be hiding out up here in my room instead of joining them? Maybe I was making too much of a deal about it. But it was a big deal—for me. Maybe Marco Reus deserved an explanation... or part of it. Sure, I’d bolted like a crazy person in the morning, but that wasn’t about him. And I didn’t have to explain the reason why I had to leave. I wasn’t even ready to say anything out loud to my band mates who’d witnessed my breakdown at its worst, much less to a one night stand who also happened to be one of my football idols. The only thing I would be willing to explain was the blackout. That should be reassuring enough for him, and then maybe we could have a fun vacation hanging out like normal acquaintances... right?

I groaned, turning the shower off and drying my hair with the towel. Who am I kidding? It’s going to be awkward, but I was going to have to live with it for the next week. Why couldn’t I’ve waited until the last day to screw up?

My stomach grumbled on cue too. Great, I’d forgotten I hadn’t had solid food since yesterday evening. It was a common occurrence these days—to only eat when reminded of by my body. As a former chubby kid and anxious eater, I always thought going through something traumatic would make me gain my weight again. The opposite happened, but it didn’t make me feel better. I dried myself quickly and avoided looking at my naked body on the mirror, tying up my robe on a haste. I guess I still looked good to everyone else, but the weight loss for me was tied to something distressing...

I missed enjoying food. I missed everything that made me excited. I missed him...

I bit my lower lip hard, making it hurt so my brain would focus on that instead of the other pain.

Concentrating on the lyrics to the song which was playing outside, I made my way to the kitchen. I decided I would really try to make a decent meal, something to keep my mind occupied. And then maybe Netflix, and catching up with my emails and deleting stuff from my phone. It was getting scary at this point, considering I wasn’t a normal person who got the normal amount of messages. If my phone hasn’t exploded yet it was bound to in a few days. Though thinking about it, I better let my personal assistant do that for me. After all, there was a reason why I was reluctant to read and delete certain things from my phone— might catch a glimpse of a few heartbreaking memories.

Sighing, I surveyed the fridge for ingredients. It had already been stacked for us, even if no one expected us to cook home meals. After some head scratching I decided on pan frying a quick version of a Tortilla Española, and got to it.

I wasn’t half bad at cooking, and soon the kitchen filled with the luscious aroma of sautéed onions and chorizo— my personal touch for extra flavor. I was so in my zone, cutting the potatoes and listening to the music outside, I didn’t notice I wasn’t alone anymore.

“Smells good”.

I jolted in place, looking up to find none other than Marco Reus standing under the kitchen’s archway. I set the knife down and puffed out a breath. He kept popping up in front of me like some kind of bad jump scare.

Marco coughed out an apologetic laugh. “I’m sorry, I always scare you”.

I could only muster a chuckle. “It’s fine. I’m always up in my head. Thanks, by the way.”

We stood there in silence for a moment. My hands were shaking a bit. What was he doing inside? Was he looking for me? Oh god, I have to tell him.

“Listen—“ “I was looking for—“

We spoke simultaneously. I bit my lip and Marco rubbed the back of his neck.

“Sorry”, he started again, “I was looking for the bathroom?”

“Oh”.

I’d assumed wrong after all. I tried to reply as casual as I could: “It’s behind this wall, to the right”.

“Thank you”.

I didn’t look at him but I could feel him watching as he walked past me. He definitely knew I was just about to tell him something. Better now than later then; he won’t take long in there. I turned the burner off. This could be a long conversation and I don’t want anything catching fire in the middle of it.

I leaned against the counter, nibbling on a piece of chorizo. This time he wouldn’t catch me by surprise, I was already waiting for him. It took him two minutes to walk back in the kitchen and I could tell by the way he slowed down as he got near me, he wasn’t heading out yet. I prepared myself to initiate the conversation, but he beat me to it.

“Do you feel better?”

I didn’t expect the question. “Better?”

“Yes, Talia said you were... sick?” For some reason, he hesitated on the last word. Did he already asume I was avoiding him?

“Oh, that. No, I’m not sick, just hungover— you know”, I lowered my gaze, remembering the whole ordeal. “But I slept and took some medicine, and I do feel better now”.

Marco stood with his arms crossed. “Huh. Good”. He narrowed his eyes, the playful dimple on his side smirk distracting me. “I thought you were avoiding me”.

My eyes widened. I didn’t know he was going to be this forward.

“No, not at all!”, I stammered.

He cocked his head to the side. “Are you sure? You run away after I kissed you in the morning”.

Well, shit.

“Yes. True”, I admitted, defeated. ”But I swear it wasn’t because of you! Or the kiss— the kiss was good!”.

The words spilled out and blood rushed to my face. Marco looked pleased with himself for a second, but he kept pressing me.

“Danke. But if it was good as you say, why did you run away? You didn’t like the sex?”

“No—” I responded almost immediately. Marco did a double take. “I mean—I don’t know”, shit, just say it.

He seemed irritated. “You don’t know?”

“Yeah I don’t.... remember.”

He cocked his head again. “I don’t understand.”

“I drank a lot last night. I blacked out.”

He processed my words in silence. The explanation hadn’t gone as smooth as I intended and it was totally my fault. If he’s still cool with me after this, it’ll be an achievement.

“So you don’t remember anything?”, he finally asked.

“No.”

“But you said to me you wanted to go back to the house— you remember?”

Now that’s a detail. “I did?”

Marco blinked twice. “You don’t remember that part?”

I chewed on my lip, trying to go back to the point were I’d been last aware. “The last thing I remember was sitting at the bar and you coming to get me... but I’m guessing that’s not what happened.”

All of a sudden he was struggling not to smile. “You told me to dance with you.”

“Oh, god...”

“Hey, it’s okay, even drunk you were better than me”, he chuckled. “Very good...”

Marco’s eyes moved down to my cleavage and I was reminded I was still very naked under my robe. My fingers pinched the silky fabric close, as if that were going to do anything.

“Anyways”, I cut in; “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. This has never happened to me.”

“No, no. I’m sorry I didn’t notice. It looked like you liked what we were doing”, he added, smirking at the last sentence. I was blushing again. Maybe I did like it but guess I’ll never know.

I decided to ignore that part but he knew he’d flustered me. “It’s fine, there’s no way you could’ve known.”

“So, are you going to stop avoiding me now?”

I rolled my eyes. “I wasn’t, but yes”, I laughed.

Marco smiled. “Ok. We’re going in the yacht tomorrow... you don’t have to be scared.”

What did he mean by that? “Scared? Why would I be scared?”

He looked at me up and down once more before answering. “I don’t know.”

Before I could wonder what he was talking about, he was in front of me. My breath caught and he leaned down, chin brushing against the side of my neck.

“Bis morgen dann”, he muttered, before pecking me on the cheek and heading back out.

I stood there silent with goosebumps going down my arms.

It was worse than I had anticipated. Telling him didn’t make him settle with the explanation, as I thought it would. He will slowly try to convince me to relive last night, and I will give in, for sure. My body was already having clear responses to his advances. Only I don’t know if I will be able to mentally deal with what this entailed. And I just said I wasn’t going to avoid him anymore, so I was stuck. I gave up trying to eat and ran back to my room, the panic already rising.

I tried to steady my breathing but it was getting hard to catch air, and my vision started to blur. I slipped to the floor as carefully as I could, knocking a few things over in the process. Everything went dark for a moment. When I came to, I was still dizzy but at least it was over now. It took me several minutes to recover and be able to get to my purse and find the sleeping pills. I’d promised the guys I’d stopped using them but I’d never really stopped. They got me through the night without waking or dreaming. Even though I had just woken up, I needed to be asleep again.

I downed two of them at once, getting inside the covers and hoping I could handle myself better tomorrow when the time came to meet Marco and the guys at the yacht.

He wanted to play a game with me. Would I be able to play along? Or will it only make things worse for me if I try?

It's very sad when everyone thinks you're starting to diet, living healthy lifestyle and do work out. Some even ask me to share tips how to lose weight in short time, lmaoo. Believe me girl, im also asking myself.

Ive never shared this to anyone, dont have the guts to do so. But, this thing keep on bugging in my mind. I want to accept this as blessings in disguises yet people's reaction just make me annoyed. If only they know behind of my "losing weight journey".

Im that fat girl, in my life ive always been called fat bcos its my middle name lol. Each time i meet people, first word comes out their filthy mouth would be "wow so big ah you." "eee so chubby, look at your body." and when im with my mother "uish your daughter bigger than you oh". I just smile, giggle and make joke to myself. You know, to get rid of the sadness in my heart. Im very comfortable with my body actually, i dont have problem with that. Bcos im aware my body naturally big, hence i do know if i gained weight it'll be more obvious. Also, i have a low metabolism.

Unfortunately, we are living in the world where "skinny girl pretty, fat girl ugly." Im slightly fine if strangers told me all those things, but if someone very dear to me say that bro it hurts. I take that as motivation to start eating healthy and exercises more. And of course, it never easy and take time. I cant do intense work out or push myself too hard or else i just hyperventilating and hurt myself more. Hence, the progress is slow. Sad, the motivation went to drain bcos of people's word. "Ah she so lazy to do exercise, always lay on the bed and eating." 🙂🙂 Broo, if only you know how struggle am i, and i do lose some tho. Still not enough i guess.

The past 2 years are not good for me. My mental health is deteriorating. Last year was a hell, with the lockdown. It really took a toll on me. On April, my body started to refuse every food that i ate. Every meals time, i would want to throw up, nauseous or stomach hurt. At some point, i couldn't even eat the whole day and the smell of the food just make me wanna puke. Am i pregnant? Panic sis loollll. In just 3 days, ive lost so much weight like i can feel my body so light. This happened for a month, also now i could see clearly my long-lost collarbone 🤧, chest area and rib cage. Initially, i was so scared. But someone is proud of me for losing so much weight. Then it makes me confused?? Yet enjoying it bcos finally i received the compliment. So i continue with this behavior and started to work out. God knows how many time i was having a hyperventilating in my room. During this moment i know that it was very wrong. I was hurting, and slowly the joy gone.

I only eat once a day, no carbohydrates only veggies, fruits and a really small potion of protein. I cant eat any heavy meals as my body refused it. As months passed, no more lockdown, i started to meet people and everyone was very shocked to see my condition like finally im not fat lol. Im not happy to hear all the compliments bcos i remember the pain, the struggle. However, now it become part of me, a habit of mine that i couldn't turn back. It really hard for me to change the habit, so it stuck with me until now.

Thank god, now i can finally eat my rice but only once or twice a month if im craving for it, but still have to bear with the pain afterwards. Yes, either i throw up or feel sick the entire day. And oh i dont force myself to throw up, it just comes naturally and i guess it happens due to my mind lmao 🤧 so there's a time when i look fat and not in some pictures. Also, they want me to eat more loolll i just fire back "hey i already eat lots before this and you dont like to see im fat right, so why you keep feeding me food?" Bro you should see their face 🤣 Sakit hati oh? Sama kita merasa tapi still ok lah daripada sakit hati ngn badan sekali 😜

Yeah guys, that's the journey. Oh, there are some details that i didn't mention due to personal reasons, this is only the tip of the iceberg haa gitew ye 🤡✌🏻

i've gotten into a really bad habit of not eating enough. i don't think it's a eating disorder. I will eat what's given to me but I won't ask for more even though I'm still hungry. it's not about body image. if anything, i would want to gain more. i just won't eat. i'm very hungry right now but i'm fighting myself because I think I need to be punished. there's no other way to describe how i feel during the day besides blank. i feel so emotion. i may be in a good mood, but i'm not happy or positive. the blankness gets me every time. during important events where i should be happy and joyous, i'm siting there with an emotionless face contemplating life. during the day i will feel extremely blank but as soon as it becomes nighttime, all the blankness turns into self hatred. i don't hate myself personally but my depression does. it's telling me things about me that I know aren't true but I believe them because I have no choice. i'm being brainwashed by my own brain. the guilt and the anger. i think that's why i mainly ct at night. i can not fight against the urges. i just can't. they are too powerful. I feel to helpless and so i will punish/hurt myself because i'm not feeling enough pain. over the last day or so, my ADD spiked. I went through a depressive phase a few days ago so i'm still in recovery from that. I'm in the confused stage. I'm not happy but i'm not sad. i'm emotionless, but not blank like how I usually am. I'm not getting to many thoughts. my brain today... it's just gone crazy. in my head I go "see you aren't depressed. you never were. stop wanting help. you don't deserve help. you deserve pain. you should kill yourself. can't even get your thoughts straight" and then i will start thinking about something random like salads. it makes me feel like I'm crazy. i know i've been depressed. I know i have been suicidal and I do cut sometimes. my brain lately has just been going like ASHSIWGSIEBEIDHEKEJU. (jan 5, 2017, 12:56) i am not crazy, i am just sad and lonely. i am not crazy, i am just sad and lonely. i am not crazy, i am just sad and lonely. i am never alone in my head. i am always talking to someone. there is someone else in my head. i always imagine conversating with random people about random things and i will just get lost in my head imagining having a conversation with them. i've been imagining really weird scenarios and conversations that will never happen for the longest i can remember. it's just normal day to day conversations but to the extreme. its not daydreaming. i don't purposely do it, it's just a really weird habit that i picked upped. i don't like doing it because it makes me feel like a crazy person. i am never alone in my head. someone else is always there. i feel like i'm always being watched and judged by people in my head. i'm not schizophrenic. when i say people i just mean someone in my head. i'm just never alone. my thoughts are layered. i. any think clearly. too many things are going on in my head. i've read some where that people who tend to be lonely do this. i'm just saying that i'm lonely just to suppress the fact that there is something wrong with me. probably not. i don't know. i am not crazy, i am just sad and lonely. i am not crazy, i am just sad and lonely. when people joke about mental illnesses, they don't understand all the pain that people go through. depression takes everything from you. it just sucks it out of you. you have no control over it. there's just a heavy black blanket put over your head. you have no control. your thoughts roam free without control and they can make you do things that you will probably always regret. it's just this overwhelming sense of heaviness, guilt/shame, self hatred. you can't think about the future. it doesn't let you. it overpowers you. at first it starts to take over little things but then it will grow stronger and stronger and then it will control such major/important things like your food intake, your social life, your self control, what you feel. there's no stopping it. it's too powerful. it feeds you lies that you know aren't true but you have to believe them because your head is telling you so. at first you know the things it's telling you are lies but it just grows stronger and stronger and you can't do anything about it so you're forced to believe those thoughts. i'm brainwashing my own head into thinking crazy lies. this thing has turned myself against myself. i've never really like myself but i've never really hated myself. i didn't mind myself until now. i will never be satisfied with the amount of pain i receive. i deserve less and more pain. it completely takes over you. it eats your soul. it devours it until nothing but a broken soul remains. it has no remorse. it's a ruthless killer. it does not give a shit who you are. it does not care about your social status, race/gender/sexuality, it doesn't not care if your family is stable, it does not care if you have relationships and friendships because it will destroy every single one of those. i just wanna apologize to everyone i know. i'm sorry. i should of fought harder. it's my fault everyone is suffering. i can't look people in the eye. too much shame. i'm sorry -february 7th i don't like to not take my medicine. my thoughts are scrambled and layered, my brain is literally all over the place, and i can't focus. it makes me feel crazy. i feel more comfortable being on the meds because it organizes my thoughts in a way, and helps me focus. it doesn't make my depression worse, but it doesn't make it better. it clears my head and calms my thoughts which allow the intrusive thoughts to come in, but when i don't take it, i get very very mad at myself for not being able to focus and think clearly. i'd prefer the intrusive thoughts rather than the scrambled head. i also use it to suppress my hunger. it doesn't change my appetite majorly, but it does kinda calm it down. it's okay though, i don't deserve to eat. i haven't tried to not take it lately. it's not that i'm attached to it, im just scared of what will happen if i stop taking it. this could be a start of an addiction. I hope to God that this isn't. it's not a serious one though. it may take awhile for me to get used to not taking it but it can be fixed. i have thought of overdosing on it though. i'm not going to do it anytime soon, obviously and it would be very cowardly for me to go like that. february 16th i used to think that i would go through depressive phases and then be fine afterwards. i do go through hard phases where the depression is particularly strong those few days, but i'm not any better afterwards. the last 4 months have been a blur. this whole thing is a depressive phase. time drags on, but it flies by so fast. half of my 8th grade is gone. the last four months have been hell. i've gradually gotten worse. i haven't hit rock bottom yet but i'm on my way too. the last 4 months have been a slow decline. as the months passed, the thoughts got stronger, the urges are more powerful, and i've lost self control. it has taken over me. i can't measure the weeks by how bad they were because they were all bad in their own way. i don't have a particular time where it was the worst. each week i get weaker and weaker, losing strength. it's a slow decline to rock bottom. o mental breakdowns are like panic attacks but on steroids. i have been having them more frequently lately. ill start completely freaking out about a topic and i will just break down mentally. they aren't panic attacks because with panic attacks you're anxious and you don't have control. mental breakdowns are calm but hectic. you'll get into some really deep thoughts and they just leave you broken. after the first couple of times self harming or something, it starts to grow on you. at first you're like "i'm never going to do that again, ever" and yhe more you think about not doing it ever again, the more it grows on you. it will get to the point where you're craving that experience even though it may hurt. you go "i'm never doing that again" and then you blink and there you are with a razor in your hand or over the toilet. i've been eating a lot lately. i just don't have self control. the last few weeks i've barely eaten anything but this week i've eaten a lot. i think i may be bingeing. i'm eating but not eating enough but i still considering this a binge. i still feel so damn guilty for eating. i don't want to lose weight but i don't want to gain weight. i'm not happy at all with my weight and appearance at all but i don't want to change it. this whole eating this isn't about body image. i feel ashamed for losing weight but i feel even more ashamed and guilty for gaining weight. im now following pro-ana websites. i'm trying to follow those rules but i don't have self control. i feel too guilty for not eating. once the thought of eating comes on my mind i can't get it off my mind. i've tried throughung but i'm haven't been successful yet. in trying really hard though. if i eat to much i cut my stomach i started to think today about how much i've been eating lately. i've been eating a lot (in my head) and that may be due to emotional stress. i'm not even noticing that i'm stressed. i'm so used to feeling like shit, i've gotten used to it. i didn't realize how stressful the last few weeks have been until now. that's sad. i like the pain though. i don't like being painless. why do i like pain so much? i made myself throw up today finally. i hated how it made me feel good after it. i hate how i liked it. i'm scared that this will evolve into something bigger. it's been a week since i first started throwing up and i'm now throwing up 5-7ish times a day. it's scary to think how this got out of hand so quickly. it's funny to think last month around this time i was barely eating anything. i will eat a lot and just purge. i do feel really guilty about how much i eat. i will try and eat by myself because of the shame. sometimes i will start to think about how much food i'm wasting but i always dismiss it. i'm scared i will go back to my old self. possibly ednos. i showed signs of anorexia but i didn't fit the criteria but i'm showing signs of definite bulimia.

[SP] Pathetic

I've been staring at the TV for the past hour.

Not unusual... In usual times.

The TV's off. It's been off for the past five days, yet I still seem quite content to lounge and stare absent-mindedly at my distorted reflection on the black screen.

I'm glad I can't make anything distinct out... I reckon I'd look as bad as I feel. Ever since the announcement came things have changed.

It was a Sunday night and I was adhering to my tradition of drinking a box of wine and lamenting on how my life at the age of twenty-seven had devolved into a slow, meandering existence. You know, millennial bullshit.

As I was glugging down my fourth, but certainly not my last glass of vino, I was distracted when the TV almost fucking killed me. The speakers must have been blown out by the racket that thundered in. I must have looked a picture; those last drops of wine from the glass caught in my throat and I flapped around like a whale at sea-world desperate to be put out of its misery.

When I regained my composure and assured myself I'd never gain any respect, I stared at the TV which had finally shut up. Now a black screen was dominated by big bold letters -

STAY CALM - A MESSAGE FOR THE NATION INCOMING

What. The. Fuck.

Phone. Contacts. Mum.

Of course she didn't answer. I can picture it now; she's sat in bed, some true-crime documentary playing on the TV, and he'll be lying next to her. When her phone wakes up and my picture appears he'll stare at my mum and give her the it's late honey, we don't have the time to deal with her right now look. She'll return with the Thank god you said it, now I can at least pretend I was coerced into ignoring my only daughter, you're just the best Jimmy, I'm so glad I got married to you and threw that little shit out of our home so we can fuck with the doors open look.

That's it. That's my only point of contact. I felt pathetic at that point. As in, I truly understood what the feeling of pathetic was; there's a physical drop in your stomach and shivers run down your back...you become hot and an overwhelming sense of vulnerability hits you in the core. You could say that wasn't the best feeling to be overcome with as the TV emitted another assault to my eardrums.

The sound dissapated again and this time a voice replaced it almost immediately. It was the voice I had been expecting as soon as I saw the first message. Our great and glorious President.

My fellow Americans. It is with a heavy heart I speak to you tonight. Firstly I am very sorry for interrupting your Sunday evening, I'm sure many of you are quite afraid and concerned right now. I'd love to be able to tell you that there's no reason to worry, but I'm afraid I simply can't...

Phone. Recently Called. Mum

The United States today received information regarding an unprecedented and immovable obstacle to the continuation of not only our own existence, but that of every living thing on our planet...

Call was rejected again. I bet he slapped it out of her hand that time. No way would she ignore me, she must have been watching this as well?

There is an asteroid roughly twelve miles in diamater on a collision course with Earth. Projections are that it will strike us in seven days and the impact will result in the total annihilation of us and our home...

You go through the motions of acceptance incredibly quickly. It's not a drawn out process. I'll explain how mine happened -

Bullshit. He's the president of the United States of America addressing the entire nation. Okay, this is serious.

I know this is quite a shock. I presume many of you are wondering why I am being so open and frank about this. Well... I guess there's no more contingency plans or exit strategies to care about any more. It was important enough that I have decided, against the wishes of my advisors, to tell you the truth and allow you to go out in whichever way you feel is right and justified. I leave you with only one request - depart this world showcasing the best of humanity. Put our compassion, dignity and honour on a pedestal and let us move onto the next great adventure proud. Good luck to you all. Goodnight America

Then it was over. The screen flipped back to my original programming. I can't work out if Kim Kardashian was a vacuous waste of air and cells before or after I realised my world was over and nothing I ever did or dreamed about mattered anymore. Probably before, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

The sound of my phone ringing came at me like it was trapped down a well, far off in the distance. I picked it up and my heart did one of this slight jumps when you get excited.

Mum. I'm scared

It's not your mother, it's Jimmy.

oh...

Look I'm calling to tell you me and your mother have decided to take off. I can't explain and to be honest, I won't. I'm sure you've just heard the president.

Erm okay. Well... Where should I meet you?

Meet us? What are you talking about!

Meet you so we can all be together obviously!

I think you've misunderstood this whole situation. I'm not surprised, you never where very bright... Look. You're not coming with. I called to make sure you didn't come running down here and waste your time. Just stay away from us.

Go fuck yourself Jimmy, put my mum on now!

Your mother doesn't want to speak to you. This has been coming a long time if I'm honest. How could you not see it? The heartache and trauma you have caused that poor woman. You should have the deceny to respect her last wishes and stay away. Don't you dare cause your mother any more heartbreak

I'll hear that from her you teet suckling leach

Then it happened. From somewhere in the background I heard her voice.

Just go away Kate! Jimmy has spoken for the both of us

I like to think she was sat at the dresser table at the side of the bed. Cigarette in hand and her mascara running down her face. Shaking so bad she couldn't get a proper drag and staring vehemently at Jimmy, who had forced her to lose all sense of humanity and compassion.

But it's more likely that OJ is innocent and Twilight is actually a good film if you look at it's artistic merits.

No, she would have been sat at that dresser, ensuring the phone was on loudspeaker and mouthing instructions to Jimmy, getting more perplexed and angry every time I spoke.

But... Mum, please I'm scared

This is where she would have inhaled deep and arched back ready to deliver her knockout punch. Jimmy would have slunk away from the phone, knowing his work was done and he can stand in the shadows and watch the emancipation in peace.

You listen here and you listen good. The last we spoke I told you I'd reached the end of the road. There were no more chances. I cannot go through this anymore and now with all this shit going on... We deserve to have some peace at the end Kate. Please understand, it's not because we don't love you. It's because we can't fucking stand you.

Oh please, you talk as if I killed someone mum! Im sorry I didn't turn out perfect like you wanted-

The phone cut off. She actually cut me off from her reality with the click of button. It wasn't even a click...a lazy moment of the finger and that's it... I'm gone from their lives.

Like millions of others, I cried myself to sleep that night. First it was pity, then anger and then... Just to get it all out. Once sleep came and I woke the next day, I'd accepted it.

The World of course went insane. For the first couple of days we had the news and social media to keep us informed of everything. The riots. The crime. The depravity. So much for humanity. But then, all that stopped as well.

It only takes two days for the World to just stop. Once every single person suddenly just doesn't give a shit... Its all done. Electricity went - no more lights, no more warmth. Thankfully I'd spent wisely as an introvert. I had a deluxe weighted duvet with special microfibres that retain your body heat. God praises those who late-night drunk shop.

You could also live off my supply of ramen noodles and cherry bakewells for a considerable amount of time, so I wasn't concerned with starving. I didn't have much of an appetite anyway. Finally, my brain decides food is no good when getting healthy is the least important factor in my life.

I know other people are with their families. Well, people who aren't rioting or going around unleashing their inner monster, just because they can. I've got a picture in my head of how I think the perfect family are holding up right now.

There's a mum. A dad. A son and a daughter. Their all grouped together in the living room, sitting in front of a massive open hearth fire playing monopoly and drinking hot chocolate. There's a Christmas tree as well, just for the sake of ensuring this cliché rings as true as possible.

The dad rolls a double and fist bumps the air.

"Oh Ronald... You did it again you lucky man," the mum croons whilst stroking his fringe to the side. He beams. The daughter crosses her arms and huffs.

"Not fair!" she says and scowls. Her brother puts his arm around her and leans his head on the side of hers.

"Now, now Lucy... Don't worry, I won't let daddy hurt you,"

The mum suddenly becomes stiff and looks at her son.

"What do you mean by hurt, Blake?" she asks, her voice a bit shaky.

The son looks at his dad who, pale as a ghost now tries to roll again.

"Nothing honey, I'm sure nothing at all. Come on I passed GO!"

The mum looks now at her daughter who is looking at the ground, shooting nervous glances at her dad. Blake is messing with the corner of the board, avoiding eye contact.

"Ronnie... What's going on?" she says now standing up warily. Another round of glances and finally it dawns on her.

"No...no...NO!"

I can't even pretend to know what a perfect family is. My mind so broken and ill from a lifetime of... Life.

Not a single person from my past has phoned me. Well they didn't when the battery was still working. I'll lie to myself until the end - they've probably been ringing non-stop since it went dead.

I'm alone. So utterly alone. And it's the end of the world.

I'm going to die in a couple of days and the only feeling that comes to me now as I sit here staring back at my shadowy image on that black screen mirror is - pathetic.

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