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bigskydreaming · 3 years

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I feel another fanon debunk session coming over me, and this one’s a BIG one.

Let’s talk about the DickKory breakup, and why it happened.

Yup, we’re going there.

Before we get going though, I want to make one thing abundantly clear: this is NOT an invitation to bash on Kory. There will be no bashing of Kory on this post if I have anything to say about it, and its my post, so I do. So nyah nyah. But seriously like, don’t get my reasons for making this post wrong. I LOVE Kory. I SHIP Dick/Kory. And I don’t actually blame Kory for any of this, no matter how the page I’m about to show makes it appear, for reasons that I will get into later in this post, but like. I really truly don’t. I don’t think the Dick/Kory breakup ultimately was either of their fault. I think it was the painful end result of them both hitting rock bottom due to endless external fuckery with their lives and their minds during the tail end of their relationship, making it all but impossible for them to be there for each other the way they truly needed and WANTED to be....ultimately forcing them to break off and BOTH try and reorder their lives on their own. But IMO, this NEVER actually marked a dissolution of their feelings for each other, no matter what either (particularly Dick) eventually claimed in order to rationalize things to themselves.

I do however think some of the other Titans bear some culpability for not seeing things as they truly were here. I can understand given what they all went through during this time period like, how maybe it became easier to just blame Dick especially as he has a tendency to be so willing to accept blame? And so I think a lot of conclusions were jumped to that at other times they WOULD have spent more time thinking through. But here and now they didn’t simply because they were so relieved to HAVE an easy, simple explanation for things going wrong and someone to blame, someone who ACCEPTED blame. And thus more easily allowing them to speed through to the portion of events where they worked on ‘forgiving him’ for what he’d done so they could all move past it.

Okay, so let me stop talking in code for those of you who have only the faintest idea of what I’m talking about.

Traditional fanon states - and most wiki summaries I’ve seen actually CORROBORATE this, which drives me COMPLETELY up the wall because I would like to have WORDS with whomever wrote each of these wiki summaries - that ultimately, Dick and Kory broke up because they rushed into things with the wedding and both realized they weren’t actually ready to get married.

Let me be clear: this is totally and completely 100% true.

Fanon and wikis go ON however, to conclude that the ‘fault’ lies with Dick, because he was the one who jumped the gun in proposing, and that he only DID so, because he thought getting married would ‘help him finally grow up’ and ‘hit one of the milestones he thought he was missing while everyone else his age that he’d known in high school and stuff were graduating college and getting married and having kids right about now.’ And also that he eventually concluded that he didn’t actually love Kory the way he thought he did and needed to let her go for her sake.

Now let me also be clear: this is also MOSTLY true in the sense that he did eventually THINK these thoughts, some ten or fifteen issues after their crashed wedding, when he was off on his own and thinking through everything that was going on in his life and trying to make sense of the decisions he’d been making lately, most of which he was unhappy with.

The one part that ISN’T true is that last bit, which a lot of people extrapolate from and use as their basis for saying Dick ‘fell out of love with Kory’ and ‘realized that he no longer loved her the way he once had,’ with this leading into why they never got back together after Kory returned to Earth in the Titans revival series in the late 90s.

HOWEVER.

There’s a tiiiiiiiiiny little correction I must make to that last part, which might seem insignificant, but becomes ABUNDANTLY important when added to some other much needed - and much ignored overlooked - context:

Dick never ACTUALLY said or thought that he didn’t love Kory anymore, full stop. What he actually said, in its entirety, was that he realized “he never really loved Kory the way she deserved to be loved.”

Why is this distinction so important? Hang on just a sec, we’re almost there.

Now I would like to share with you, for those who have never seen this page or those who perhaps have forgotten it or its significance, the EXACT page where Dick proposes to Kory, from The New Titans #99, one issue before their wedding special in issue #100. (What’s that? You’re surprised that they got married the very issue after the proposal? You thought that they were engaged for a lengthier period of time? Ohhhh don’t worry, fair readers. We’ll get there. Ohhhh we’ll get there).

But first, those of you who have never actually read this page before, I would like you to take a look at it, and see if you can Where’s Waldo what it is about this page that makes my blood reach a boiling point in excess of 2000 degrees Fahrenheit every time someone utters the words “Dick rushed into marriage because he thought it would make him grow up or hit some important life milestone.”

Take a gander, what do you see:

See it? Get what I’m talking about?

Any talk of Dick and Kory breaking up because they weren’t ready to get married, and Dick having been the one to rush them into it before they were ready, COMPLETELY fails at accurately representing the events of that time if it fails to mention the fact that:

DICK ONLY PROPOSED WHEN HE DID BECAUSE HE WAS DESPERATE TO CONVINCE KORY, HIMSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE THAT HE LOVED HER AND ONLY HER AND SLEEPING WITH MIRAGE HAD MEANT NOTHING!

(Since, y’know, he didn’t actually sleep with her so much as he was raped by her).

I mean, your mileage may vary, but me, I happen to think that bit there is pretty CRITICAL FUCKING INTEL when it comes to this whole matter.

Claiming Dick is to blame because he rushed into marriage because he was looking to grow up or hit some milestone utterly FAILS as an analytical conclusion in EVERY POSSIBLE WAY....

When there is both ZERO indication from him BEFORE the proposal, that those are reasons or thoughts he has that has him leaning towards proposing.....

As well as ZERO reflection AFTER the failed wedding, that being desperate to convince everyone who thought he’d cheated on Kory that he really did love her, was at all a key motivating factor in him proposing when and how he did.

Like it or not, Mirage and the storyline surrounding that is utterly CRUCIAL to the DickKory breakup, because EVERY mention of that describes the cause of that breakup being rushing into marriage, and if you take away that storyline - and every character’s reaction to it - there is absolutely NO reason to even THINK Dick would still have proposed when he did.

And thus, leaving the Mirage story ENTIRELY out of all talk of the end of Dick and Kory’s relationship, is just....blatantly not indicative of what the story actually was.

Now, in addition, I know we tend to talk about this story as though DC sucks for never calling the rape what it was, and say that if DC’s not willing to treat these things as what they really are, they shouldn’t be using them as story points. First order of business: Yes DC sucks a lot and their handling of all this sucked.

BUT.

It is also not entirely accurate to say that they never TREATED this story as what it was.

Because while everyone else may have been fixated on it as Dick cheating on Kory....initially, at pretty much every point UNTIL the wedding....Dick at least was STEADFAST in not considering HIMSELF having cheated. I mean, look at his language in just the page above. He talks about being “repulsed” by what Mirage did. The writers might have never actually called what happened to Dick ‘rape,’ but initially they were VERY consistent in nevertheless writing him as someone who at least to some degree felt victimized by what happened, rather than culpable. He was trying to convince everyone ELSE to see it that way - until eventually he kinda gave up, and started to see it THEIR way.

You can literally see him already starting to make the pivot towards rationalizing that POV to himself in the above page....he talks about ‘thinking with his hormones’ and that leading him to make a mistake, even though his hormones had nothing to do with whether what happened was wrong or not.....it was always entirely about: would he have consented to sex with Mirage IF he knew she wasn’t really Kory. Thinking with his hormones in no way addresses the fact that its completely unreasonable to expect anyone to be so on guard 24/7, even in the privacy of their own bedroom with their own girlfriend, that they have their eyes peeled for an impostor even there.

In fact, imagine what the others would have all said if Dick hadn’t slept with Mirage that night, or else had confided in them later that it felt not right, that something was wrong, at some point BEFORE Mirage entered and told Dick in front of everyone that it had actually been her. How likely do you think it would have been that instead of taking Dick at face value, many of them would have instead viewed this as just another time Dick was exercising “Bat-paranoia” rather than allowing himself to be intimate with a loved one the way normal, non-Batfolk do, y’know? Do you think they would have automatically agreed with him that there was something up and he had reason to feel that ‘something wasn’t right about Kory’ when Dick probably still would have had no idea what for sure he felt was off, let alone that it wasn’t ACTUALLY her? Or would they have gotten on his case about how this is just him self-sabotaging again and letting his issues come between him and someone he cared about?

Tbh, one of the things that was greatest about Dick and Kory’s relationship IMO was that she was one of the best at getting him out of his own head. With Kory, when they weren’t both being jerked around by brainwashing plots and the like, Dick was better at just....letting go and just being himself around her. He didn’t feel like he had to constantly be on his guard or waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ironically, IMO, Dick DOES have a tendency to self-sabotage at times and let paranoia or other issues keep him from totally dropping his defenses and letting himself be vulnerable with other people.....meaning he probably would have been MORE likely to cue into something being off, if it had been anyone BUT Kory he’d been dating when Mirage replaced them.

So bottom line is, you can’t actually fully blame the writing for the others’ reactions to this story. Because whether they ever actually acknowledged it or not, for a good ten to fifteen issues up to the wedding, the writers pretty consistently depicted Dick as someone who was and felt victimized, even if he didn’t consciously realize it yet himself, let alone why. There were repeated moments between Kory initially breaking up with him after it happened through this proposal above, where it basically reads like Dick yelling “Ask me how violated I feel! Go on, ask me!” Except he never really got the chance because he was too busy replying to everyone around him that he hadn’t cheated on Kory, he thought he was WITH Kory, and that was the ONLY reason he had sex that night.

Slight tangent - this btw, is why I can never even get worked up enough about Nightwing Annual #2 to be like, defensive about it. That was the flashback issue written YEARS after all these events, where retroactively Andreyko inserted at some point between this proposal and the wedding - without changing anything else or the events he wrote ever being brought up or acknowledged again - a story where Dick went to visit Babs to personally deliver her wedding invitation....but only AFTER they slept together. And then when he gave her the invitation and she got furious about what had just happened, he just blithely said oh Kory won’t mind, and Babs was like yeah well I MIND!

Which was a totally valid reaction for Babs to have to those events as depicted, its just....I can’t remotely take them seriously, not when I’ve actually READ the events that by Andreyko’s own admission are meant to bookend that story. So you’re telling me, that right after Dick proposes to his longtime girlfriend SPECIFICALLY because he’s desperate to convince her he loves only her and would never willingly sleep with anyone else......he would go and sleep with someone else between then and the wedding? And then just without a hint of remorse say oh what’s the problem, Kory would be fine with it - when literally everything else about the wedding even HAPPENING was based on the fact that he knew for a fact that Kory would NOT in fact, be fine with that? Umm, make it make sense, except you can’t, because that story and the point where it makes sense are in two entirely different galactic quadrants. Green Lanterns couldn’t make it from Point A to Point B. So lol, sorry not sorry, I’m gonna stay not taking that story or claims that Dick is ACTUALLY a cheater, like, remotely seriously. I mean, your mileage may vary, but I especially don’t think anyone who can make excuses for Bruce’s many transgressions being OOC like, has any business trying to pass this particular story off as in character, but WHATEVS. Like, you CAN do it if you really want to, but I mean, I’m just gonna think that’s silly. I’ll be like OMG you’re so silly. Why are you so silly, can we just stop with all the silliness. And then like, I’ll go do something else or whatever.

(Oh and for the record, the wedding was the issue after Dick proposed, but it wasn’t meant to be like, the day after or anything. BUT we do know it was still pretty damn soon after, like at most a week or two....because the concurrent storyline was Roy being upset because the government was trying to shut down the Titans and said they would unless Roy took leadership from Dick and ousted him, which Roy understandably was NOT keen to do, even and especially with everything going on as the Titans were a family first and foremost and he was stuck between trying to preserve them and keep them going and betraying everything they stood for by basically instigating a vote of no confidence in Dick’s leadership.....but point being, Roy kept stalling the government agent asking for his answer......when said agent was very impatient, and asked repeatedly both in issue #99 AND issue #100. So you’re never going to convince me Roy managed to stall said agent for months or whatever, or any longer than a couple weeks at most, to allow for Dick and everyone else to put together a shotgun wedding for him and Kory. Which just further adds to the make it make sense aspect of the above mentioned Annual, but I absofuckinglutely digress).

Anyway.

NOW, let’s bring it back around to when I said like, don’t do the thing, don’t actually blame Kory for any of this, don’t you do it? /paraphrase

Yeah. So we’re there at that point now, and I reiterate once more for the court, like, hey, what if you just don’t? Y’know? Even if you’re looking at her dialogue in the above page I posted and are like, I’m feeling the urge, the urge to.....idk something that rhymes with urge but is bad I guess? Whatever. Just like. Don’t do it. Say nasty things about Kory because of this story three times in front of your computer and I will totally like, be conjured by that and crawl out of your screen all creepy girl from The Ring style. It will NOT be pretty. I am NOT meant to fit through there. I can NOT make it look good. You have been warned.

Okay so like, the reason I say none of this is on Kory even though I don’t make the same distinctions for the other Titans is threefold. No, lbr, its probably more on account of I can’t count and I’m always wrong about this shit. But let’s start with three.

1) The first thing we need to address is the fact that Dick WAS acting erratically and out of character through all of this time, even before what happened with Mirage. This was still in the near aftermath of Titans Hunt, and he was still reeling from that, and holding himself totally accountable. People who’ve followed me for awhile have probably seen me fixate on Titans Hunt before, but I honestly don’t think anyone who hasn’t read the full extent of comics from that storyline all the way through like....The New Titans #115 or so, like.....truly grasps the extent of just HOW much that single storyline affected Dick. He was at rock bottom because of it in a way that is probably only truly comparable with the Blockbuster storyline, but for even LONGER. Like the span of comics I referenced just now covers probably like....almost fifty issues.

That’s fifty issues where Dick consistently brings up his failure to stop that and how much Joey and Charlie and Arella and everyone else’s deaths during that like, just weighs on him, and fucks with his confidence and just.....his overall sense of purpose and self. He WAS lost and aimless for a lot of that time. And he DID absolutely even recognize HIMSELF that it was affecting him. Like ten issues or so after the crashed wedding, when he’s on his own journey of self-discovery while looking for Kory in the Amazon (uh yeah, that’s a thing. I’ll get to that)....like, he acknowledges to himself that ever since the Titans Hunt he’s been getting crazier and more demanding (his words) and he doesn’t even recognize himself anymore...and he attributes all of that to not having come to terms with their deaths and his inability to prevent them.

Now, notably, he DOESN’T ever at this time acknowledge that his behavior took an INCREASINGLY downward spiral ever since Mirage and specifically due to everyone blaming him for what he deep down felt wasn’t actually his fault but was losing conviction in. And quite frankly, even though he SAYS at this point he’s ready to move on from their losses, I don’t think that actually happened, but I’ll get back to both those things. First, the important point here, in terms of Kory, is that from her perspective, Dick had been increasingly unpredictable and not himself ever since the losses during Titans Hunt. Actually, given that she was the one who went with him to the Manor after Jason’s death and the only one who saw him come in and out and who thus knows the full extent of what transpired there - with this all happening not long before Titans Hunt - you could additionally say her awareness of that also has her almost prepared to expect the totally unexpected from Dick at this point.

Does that mean its right? No. But it does mean that its there.

2) Next. Kory was not actually offered the chance by the storyline to internalize what happened between Mirage and Dick from a stable, grounded headspace. Mirage KIDNAPPED Kory and replaced her before she slept with Dick. In the grand scheme of things, what happened to Kory specifically here is probably far from the worst thing that’s ever happened to her, but it couldn’t have been pleasant and I’m the first to yell NO TRAUMA OLYMPICS so in that spirit, fuck whether it was as bad as it COULD have been, and again, just acknowledge that it happened, and its reasonable and expected that it would have a negative effect on Kory. She was targeted and victimized by Mirage too. Not in the same way as Dick, but add that to the fact that unlike the other Titans, she was the one IN the relationship with Dick and thus the only one besides him that had a stake in what Mirage’s actions served as a catalyst for in that regard, like....she was not an impartial bystander to all this, and that needs to be considered. She was PART of it. It was her life that was hijacked by all this too.

3) Third.....it is extremely extremely EXTREMELY important here to acknowledge that Kory is herself a rape survivor. She has extensive trauma from her childhood in the Citadel, and that is bound to color her perceptions of what happened here, at least initially. I am 174% soooooo not here for vilifying another rape survivor in defense of a different rape survivor. Like, I’m just saying.....do not throw Kory under the bus for not acknowledging Dick’s trauma and trauma responses as a rape survivor in this story if you’re not also YOURSELF acknowledging Kory’s OWN trauma as a rape survivor.

This is key not because it says any opinions she had at this time don’t count, but rather that they simply don’t come from the same place as the VICTIM-BLAMING that is the central issue with others holding Dick accountable for his own rape. In Kory’s case, we have to consider the issue of projection. The ways in which her own experiences and how they’ve informed her DEFAULT perception of something that deeply affected her, might skew her initial reaction to experiences which share a LABEL, but not specific ELEMENTS.

What I mean here is both Kory and Dick, as of this point in time, are rape survivors. But they survived very very VERY different kinds of rape. Both were abundantly clear that they DID NOT WANT what happened to them, that they were not willing parties to what actually transpired....but what springs to Kory’s mind when someone says “I didn’t want the sex that happened” is understandably going to look VERY different from what Dick was describing when he said “I didn’t want the sex that happened.” So its not really all that unreasonable for Kory to hold those two things up in her head and say these are not the same, and from there jump to the unfortunate conclusion that Dick HAD wanted it on some level, else it would have looked more like her own experiences...especially because others around them were already voicing and affirming this opinion in various ways.

Again, is this fair, or deserved? No. But I talk all the time with other characters and with Dick himself about how its just not reasonable to expect characters - especially ones with highly CHARGED emotions related to their own parallel experiences - to act from an unbiased state or POV and thus leap to the most ideal conclusion without at least first stumbling through some other ones. So with Kory, her own context with rape simply CAN NOT be divorced from the fact that recognizing the central issue of this later moment in time was that it was a rape. Her own experiences and the likely projection of them onto the moment at hand add a degree of context to conclusions she arrived at that other characters simply do not have....and thus, again, its not okay to paint her with the same brush as all those characters. And unless you’re already somehow making a distinction as to why her reaction is different from others despite superficially appearing the same......then like. You need to be. LOL.

4) The other factor that’s important to consider here is that just like Kory was never offered the chance to RECEIVE information of what happened from a relatively grounded place and headspace....the stories never gave her any real time to think things through, process over time, and arrive at different conclusions from her earlier ones. Again, I talk all the time about how Dick’s experiences with the Titans pre-his time in Bludhaven were colored by multiple instances of brainwashing and his head being fucked with and being personally targeted and jerked around in a ton of ways? The same is true of Kory, and it needs to be given equal weight.

Their wedding was crashed by ‘the dark soul self’ of Raven - who they thought was dead - as she infected Kory with what she called a demon seed that was going to grow a new demon inside of her. Due to her possession, Kory spent weeks in a mental institutition, trying to overcome the entity inside her (with Dick sitting by her side and holding her hand through all of it, just FYI). When she finally did purge the entity from her, Kory took off and ended up in a village in the Amazon, with the ordeal having given her amnesia. Dick went after her, but he’d only just tracked her down when she took off again to foil an alien invasion using radio waves that she was uniquely suited to recognize due to being familiar with their tactics, but which pitted her against most of the rest of the world in like, the Ultimate Gaslighting Showdown as everyone kept telling her she was crazy (she was wearing a tinfoil hat to protect herself from the transmissions, the writers were deliberately not doing her any favors).

Only after that was foiled did she regain her memories, and while off the page she agreed to meet with Dick to talk about their failed wedding and everything that happened afterward, as he’d returned from the Amazon by now, where he’d ultimately come to his own self-realizations about everything (or what we were told to accept were his realizations)....in the end she took off for Tamaran without meeting him, leaving him waiting where they’d agreed to rendezvous. Again, I say this not to vilify Kory, because I absolutely think she made the best choice for herself at the time, and should have, and I don’t think Dick has ever blamed her for that and tbh they both separately came to the same decisions about needing to be apart to recollect themselves and figure out who they were and where to go from here, like, without having to actually talk it out to arrive at the same point. I DO raise this point simply to put out there that in contrast to many other things I’ve seen said about the break up......they....never technically broke up?

Like I mean, don’t get me wrong. They DID. They both considered themselves broken up and eventually moved on with other people, Dick with Babs, and Kory with a general who she married back on New Tamaran before it was destroyed by the Sun Eater (again, Kory went through some SHIT after their break up. Dick wasn’t the only one.) But I just mean like.....it was LITERALLY the most mutual break-up that is possible for a break-up to be, because neither one of them ever actually communicated their intent to the other in order for them to both CLEARLY be on the same page. There was no “Dick called off the wedding” - that never actually happened, it was just....never revisited. There was no “Dick told her he no longer had feelings for her” - that was something that happened later, and yes, I’ll get to that too. OMG shut up me. But also shh I’m talking.

But yeah like.....their break-up, despite being almost universally claimed as Dick’s choice and responsibility, with zero mention of Mirage’s role in it in any official accounting of it I’VE ever seen, and with Kory painted as being the victim of Dick’s wandering ways and not knowing what he wanted in the distant aftermath of their break-up, as it was said that due to being Tamaranean, she loved for life and thus would always be in love with Dick even though he after her return claimed he no longer loved her (like, I don’t blame Kory but I also don’t like takes that act like Dick DID all this to Kory somehow. Like that’s literally the entire point here, neither of them needs to be to blame or each other’s victim according to how the story ACTUALLY went).....

But yeah, despite all that.....it really was the most mutually arrived at decision ever, because neither one of them actually EVER EVEN SAID ‘WE NEED TO BREAK UP’ to the other. They both just....ended up there on their own.

(And also because DC wanted them there in order to secure the rest of their push to put Nightwing solely back in the Batbooks for the next several years. With, don’t forget, this all coinciding with the government forcing him out of the Titans and putting Roy in charge and with this all culminating in Dick having his initial adventure in Bludhaven at Bruce’s ask, and then deciding to make that his new base of operations and kinda reinvent himself there, at the start of his solo title. Again, shout out to the myth of “Dick Grayson always runs from things because commitment issues” - not only did he NOT flee to Bludhaven because he just changed his mind about the wedding and said whoops sorry Kory, it wasn’t even his CHOICE to leave the Titans, even if eventually he agreed it was for the best right now. His ex went back to her home planet and he was asked to leave his team. Why the fuck WOULDN’T he go somewhere else?)

NEXT. (jfc he mumbled to himself under his breath. what the fuck did I start here).

Circling back around AGAIN, this time back to Dick’s STATED reasons for deciding things were over.

Two...umm, fuck it, ‘a number that is more than one’ things that need to be kept in mind HERE:

1) The most crucial bit of context when examining Dick’s journey of self-exploration in the Amazon while searching for Kory and what he comes to say and think about everything that’s happened and his own behavior....

Is that he is an EXTREMELY unreliable narrator at this point in time. Y’know how we talk about Dick having that tendency to take on more accountability than is actually earned and is way quicker to view himself as in need of apologizing than he is to view others needing to do that for him?

Yeah I mean, that’s a thing, I definitely have like a billion citations ready to go on a moment’s notice, but point is, being aware of that tendency means absolutely nothing if you don’t actively APPLY that awareness to Dick’s periods of self-reflection and like....compare and contrast what he THINKS about things he’s said or done with like....what he’s ACTUALLY said or done.

For instance, on the way to his so-called epiphanies about all this, he makes the claim that the entire time Kory was dealing with the demon entity inside of her, he was being so selfish because all he was doing was wishing she would wake up or be free of it so that she could help him with his problems instead. (And just for the record, I can provide actual panels for everything I reference in this post, I’m just limiting myself to a couple because I’m just trying to NOT beat War and Peace’s pagecount as it is. Will I succeed? No. Did I try? Yes.)

Now, Dick spending his time at his possessed fianceé’s side doing nothing but wishing she would snap out of it and focus on his problems instead.....is that selfish of him?

Well, yeah.

But is it TRUE?

I mean, you tell me:

This is right smack dab in the middle of that whole storyline, set only a few issues after the crashed wedding, and before Kory successfully evicts the demon entity and loses her memories. This is literally what Dick was ACTUALLY like the entire time. At the TIME, every single thing he said and did was focused on her.....the CLOSEST he came even in his internal monologue, to making it all about him, was him thinking about how this has shown him just how much he needs her.

Do people helping a loved one through something traumatic occasionally have selfish thoughts where their awareness of their own troubles momentarily supersedes their focus on their loved one? Yeah. Does this actually make them selfish if their ACTUAL focus and actions and words are aimed entirely at their loved ones the whole time, with no single actual detour to “hey, while you’re up, can we talk about me for a sec”?

Mmmmm....I feel like no, but I am open to you drawing other conclusions as long as you are aware that they are wrong and mine is right, kay. I mean okay, fine. You can disagree with me here but I’m still gonna disagree about your disagreement there and its just gonna be this whole big thing and its like, ugh, whatever, y’know?

But hey, you do you.

ANYWAY, point is, unless you draw the wrong conclusion here in which case PTTTHB!, like, I think its safe to say Dick thinking in the midst of his self-awareness deep dive that he was being nothing but selfish during that whole story and thus didn’t deserve Kory, like....whether or not the writers are actually AWARE of it or not, I mean......that’s still a pretty good context clue that his internal monologues at this point in time are maybe a little bit skewed towards being more about accepting blame than reflecting reality, right? Yes, no, maybe so?

Well then again, if you agree with me, then add to that awareness the added bit of trivia that every single other one of Dick’s ‘ultimate realizations’ (he just wanted to get married because he thought it would bring stability to his life, it would help him grow up, hit one of those aforementioned milestones, etc)....like every single one of them.....was an opinion that was FIRST offered by one of the other Titans.

Every. Single. One.

(Wanted to get married for the stability was something Donna said she thought was his reasoning, to the other original Titans. The bit about thinking it would help him grow up was unfortunately ALSO Donna, but said to Kory before the wedding when Kory asked if she thought this was a mistake and if she thought Dick had proposed for the right reasons. The milestones thing was said by either Roy, Garth or Wally, I honestly forget which, but it was when the three of them went out to discuss the pending government takeover of the team and how to break this to Dick with everything else going on).

And with not a SINGLE one of these opinions present in ANY of Dick’s internal monologues BEFORE the proposal, hinting that they were anywhere near being on his radar at THAT point.

So....which makes more narrative sense? That Dick ultimately just realized that everything he THOUGHT was motivating him when he proposed was NOT true and that it was only his friends that clued into his actual reasons, which he must have overheard at some point and internalized in order to have replicated said opinions in his thoughts so exactly? Again with ZERO mention alongside any of this, that peoples’ views of what happened with Mirage was at ALL a factor in his thinking?

Or.....does it maybe better track, that over the course of Dick repeatedly expressing that he didn’t know it wasn’t Kory, that he never wanted to cheat on her, that he loved her and only her and would never knowingly do that....with NO ONE budging and everyone from Kory to all of his best friends acting like his adulterous guilt was an over and done with conclusion and they’d already long since moved on to the point of how willing or not they were to forgive him, based on everything else he’d been going through.....and with Dick thinking that how remorseful he appeared to be and how willing to ACCEPT accountability was likely to play a part in how much people were willing to look past all his recent fuck-ups here.......

Does it maaaaaaaybe actually make a little bit more sense that Dick’s total 180 into taking full responsibility and coming up with all these rationalizations for his actions that essentially just mimic theories everyone else had for his behavior has more to do with his deeply internalized acceptance that nobody was listening to his side of the story or what he was actually trying to say (without even real SELF awareness at the time that what he was feeling wasn’t just ‘I’m innocent of what you’re accusing me of’ but ‘I was violated and used’)?

That it was more about him finding ways to justify to himself getting on the same page everyone else ALREADY seemed to be on in regards to him and his recent behavior, as that seemed to be the only way to move forward, that he was tired of fighting everybody and feeling like he was in the wrong for it so honestly, maybe they were right?

Because from there.....

Its only a veeeeeery short hop, skip and a jump from “well I guess I DID do what they say and I SHOULD have known it wasn’t Kory”.....to.....”since the only thing I kept clinging to for how I couldn’t know was my insistence that I truly loved Kory, and it turns out that I still SHOULD have known anyway......doesn’t that mean that I didn’t really love Kory the way I thought I did? Or as much as I thought I did?”

“Did I never really love Kory as much as she deserved?”

Cuz uh, remember earlier when I talked about it being significant that Dick never ACTUALLY claimed during this time that he didn’t love Kory anymore or fell out of love with her or anything like that, but rather that his precise claim was “I didn’t love her AS MUCH AS SHE DESERVED”?

Aka.....”enough that I would have known it wasn’t actually Kory that I was with?”

Yeah. Uh, that. That’s the significance there. Yeah. So....

2) Now as to something else to keep in mind in regards to Dick’s eventual ‘self-realizations’ - this calls back to when I said earlier that Dick WAS acting erratically during this time, stemming all the way back to the Titans Hunt aftermath. He was overly aggressive, he was ready to fight anyone at a moment’s notice, he was tunnel-visioned.....in short, he was actually quite a lot how the fanon interpretations of his temper I rage about usually depict him. But the key thing here, and the reason why I wouldn’t have a problem with people drawing references from THIS time when talking about him behaving this way.....

Is that much like when Dick was behaving erratically during the Brother Blood storyline, it was with NARRATIVE INTENT.

There, Dick’s behavior led to the reveal that he was lashing out because he was fighting the Church of Blood’s mental conditioning. Here, Dick’s behavior is directly tied to his downward spiral resulting from the trauma of Titans Hunt and his guilt from that.

In both cases, I’d have zero issue with people referencing specific instances of this behavior....

As long as they ALSO reference and acknowledge the specific narrative context that was directly CONNECTED to that behavior. Its not about whether or not it excuses any specific thing he does, its about the fact that while these behaviors did happen, they shouldn’t be depicted as indicative of his OVERALL characterization, because they were specifically and deliberately written into his actions WITH INTENT by the writers, who were trying to use his DELIBERATELY out of the ordinary behavior to arrive at some narrative point or conclusion.

And here, for Dick, that was the eventual realization that he’d never fully dealt with his feelings about the losses during the Titans Hunt.

I don’t like how he acts in a lot of the issues around this time. Its ugly. But its MEANT to be ugly. I don’t like Dick’s fight with Roy when he tells him about taking over leadership because of the government’s interference. I don’t like it AT ALL.

But what I DO like is how the very next page after the fight, after Donna follows Dick out of the room, Dick turns around and acknowledges how out of control he’d just been and said he felt it proved that everyone was right, things HAD gotten to him more than he’d realized or admitted to himself, and it probably was a sign he needed to take a step back, and besides, Kory needed him more than the team did right now anyway.

THAT’S one of the core things I like about Dick Grayson, that almost without exception, his worst actions or behaviors are almost immediately followed by his realization of this and a tangible action or change in his actions to address it. That’s not something every character can claim - in fact, its unfortunately pretty damn rare.

But here’s the problem with that, in this specific scenario:

Dick WAS spiraling, he DID act out in ways he was right to be called out on and to feel guilt about, and there WAS basis for him acknowledging that there was stuff he needed to address in his life and his head, and to take responsibility for.

Thing is though, nobody else at any point ever stood up to point to where in his willingness to hold himself accountable for his mistakes and try and do better in regards to his friends and teammates and overall relationships....

He additionally took on guilt that WASN’T deserved. Because the other Titans were the ones who in their overall rush to judgment about his behavior and the reasons why.....still erroneously lumped in with the rest, their conclusion as to how the situation with Mirage should be viewed.

And frankly, though this doesn’t make them look good, there’s plenty of places you can go with that which don’t make them heartless monsters either. They were wrong, not to listen to him about Mirage, and I maintain that this tangibly WORSENED his already existing downward spiral from Titans Hunt, because that was already stuff he really could have benefited from support for the others from....and then this other thing happened that he additionally really needed support about, rather than blame.

Problem is, the overall impression given off by the other Titans was that they thought they already WERE doing their best to be supportive, by being so willing to look PAST ‘what Dick had done with Mirage’ and FORGIVE Dick for that, make allowances for why it and other decisions they didn’t agree with, like his rush to marriage, might make sense based on what they were attributing as the reason for his out of character behavior....the fallout from Titans Hunt...but ONLY that.

Like to be clear, I’m aware that there is a flip side of things in fanon, where some stans overcorrect on Dick’s behalf and act like the Titans all universally slut-shamed Dick and were terrible to him. No. That’s not what happened either. There was ONE slut-shaming Titan and ONLY one....and that was Pantha, who to be frank, like.....she was literally written to be the button pusher in regards to everyone. She likely would have said the same thing no matter who was in that situation, because she honestly didn’t care, she was just interested in making the cheap jokes at their expense.

The other Titans though did not adopt a slut-shaming stance against Dick...just a victim-blaming one. Which makes some things better, but some things worse IMO.

Its easier to understand how they could have all fallen into this trap despite all being seasoned heroes who should have known better than to view these specific events the way they did....if you consider that their fatal flaw here was ironically that they were SO quick to try and find a reason that Dick might have done this that they felt they could forgive....that they never actually thought things through long enough to recognize how quick on the draw they’d been in their reactions. And then they failed to listen to Dick’s side of things because they’d kinda convinced themselves that they were ALREADY doing him a favor and hearing him out by having decided to look past what he’d done and make allowances for it....and so they kinda filtered everything he was saying through a lens of like...waiting for him to catch up to what they’d already decided had happened and onto the part where he did the Dick Grayson thing and apologized and accepted responsibility for it....at which point they, as his friends, would be honestly able to say “already forgiven, dude.”

You could additionally factor in the idea that their very respect for his capabilities and high opinion of his overall ‘on the ball-ness’ made what had happened easy to view as something that’d just slipped past his radar, a rare oversight that again, he could be forgiven for, rather than what it was....again, something that he should never have been expected to ‘catch’ in the first place, any more than they would have been.

Either way, the real problem was always just that they failed to support him in the ways he actually needed, because they were already busy forgiving him for things he didn’t actually need forgiveness for because they were never his to accept blame for in the first place. But then BECAUSE Dick was already primed to accept the blame for what he WAS right to accept responsibility for, he overextended and took on everything that was held against him, rather than first differentiating between where a mea culpa both was and WAS NOT due.

No matter how you slice it, the Titans WERE wrong on this front, and Dick absolutely DOES have canon grounds to nurse some bitterness and resentment about, towards them. Again, with a lot of ways that can be approached. Personally, when I think about fics tackling this subject, my big want is always gonna be like.....confrontation fics? Like that’s what I’ve always really wanted to see here....like there’s a lot of obviously valid catharsis to be had in fics that have someone walk Dick through what a more objective view of what happened back then and let him finally unburden himself of all that unearned guilt there...BUT all the focus there is typically on that realization of the truth for DICK, that like....there’s almost never any follow-up where that realization is further pursued and extended to the relevant Titans? And tbh, I’ve always viewed that as the far greater ‘crime’ this story executed in regards to Dick’s character....not an overall obliviousness to his own victimization, period, but the fact that he was basically pushed into ACCEPTING a culpable view of events when actually, he’d always KNOWN on some level that it wasn’t really his fault and he had every reason to feel repulsed and angry and violated.

Like, I do obviously view Dick as someone with a large degree of self-awareness, in no small part due to how often he DOES do these introspective deep dives and reflect on events and actions and behaviors, and even though I understand the viewpoint that things look different when applied to yourself than to others, I do think its perfectly likely that Dick would at some point come to his own realization about what had actually happened with Mirage and why he’d initially felt the way he did about it. Maybe not before the events with Tarantula, but in the aftermath? I think he absolutely would connect certain things then, even if just because of how FAMILIAR everything felt to that earlier time post-Titans Hunt. The Blockbuster arc was like, the most rock bottom Dick had ever been SINCE that point, and various similarities could have definitely been pinging all over for him....the losses he suffered reminding him of his guilt for the fallen Titans, the end of Dick and Babs’ relationship, while based on more reasons than just Tarantula kissing Dick, like, still including that as a reason and so thus bearing an uncomfortable similarity to the last time he was held accountable for his rapist and now eventual rapist’s actions, etc.

And I do think that Dick having some realizations of his own post-Blockbuster could explain a LOT about his later interactions with the Titans, who I honestly don’t think he was ever quite as close to again?

Which makes a ton of sense if you view the 1999 series, and how difficult it was for them to get Dick to join up, and how he was plenty ready to leave at any point...like, that makes a TON of sense if you consider that Dick might have at this point been quietly nursing hurt of his own that everyone was so eager and willing to let bygones be bygones and ‘forgive’ his mistakes of the past, that nobody still had ever realized what he’d had to realize all on his own....that THEY all had a perception of events and like, their friendships, that included forgiving Dick for a betrayal that Dick NEVER ACTUALLY ENACTED. Where its like, thanks, but I didn’t actually need that, what I needed was someone to listen to me. But at the same time its totally understandable why he wouldn’t ever want to bring that up himself....because he’d already TRIED expressing himself on this matter years before, and been shot down, and its totally reasonable that he worried history would just repeat there rather than bring him the closure he WANTED on that front. But again....the distance he keeps a lot of the Titans at after his return to the team pairs pretty damn well with him being both quietly resentful of forgiveness he never needed and wondering when it was everyone else’s turn to accept the accountability for wrongs done that everyone was always so quick to demand from him....as well as why the last thing in the world he’d want to do is bring this all up again himself.

Similarly, this is why I think he always expressed to Kory, ever since her return to Earth, that he wasn’t in love with her anymore.....I don’t think its necessarily true that his feelings ever fully went away, and I also don’t think he’d bear the same resentments towards her that he did the others, even though Kory too ‘forgave’ him for something he never needed absolution for. Because I think at the same time, he’s more aware than most of Kory’s own history, and he has too much empathy for what all that likely stirred up for her at the time as well as his awareness that she really did love him and always had and that she’d mourned their relationship just as much as he had.

So I truly don’t think Dick blames her, in ways that can’t be said of the others, and I don’t think it was truly that he didn’t love her anymore, or that there was no longer anything there....I think he always just said that in order to protect himself, because he was still hurting from everything that had happened back then and how everyone had always painted it as his fault ever since, and his own traumas had only compounded those very specific feelings with later events like Tarantula and her impact on his life, and its just like......I think if it ever came out via someone else re-raising the issue, Dick would be like okay, yes, absolutely let’s finally talk about this....but I totally understand why Dick would never want to re-raise it himself because....he definitely did TRY to express his violation way back when. Why should he be the one to have to essentially.....retry his own case with his friends in order to finally get the verdict he should have had all along, y’know?

Its one thing to get that its probably never going to happen without initiating it himself, but its another thing for that to get you past the hump of just not wanting to relive some of your worst moments when your best friends not believing in you or being so willing to believe something about you in some ways did just as much damage to you as the actual initial violation.

But again, all that said, I would absolutely like, rob the Louvre (Okay I’d also rob the Louvre just for money but like. You get it) for stories where one of the Titans has an ‘oh shit’ realization about everything with Mirage years later. And they tentatively try and bring it up with Dick in the hopes of ‘fixing things’ by correcting the damage they’d done when making him feel it was his to accept blame on.....and for Dick to just be like. “Yeah, uh, I was there. I figured all that out a long time ago, I just didn’t see the point in trying to convince everybody twice.” And them like....being like oh crap we have to figure out a way to make things right, like all this time we’ve thought things were kinda broken between us because of what Dick did but actually it was the other way around and about Dick’s feelings about what WE did.

Okay now like....don’t laugh but I’m literally still not done, because I had this whole other thing about how now we needed to finally talk about the Zitka in the room, which is that IMO its always been kinda backwards to view Tarantula as the focal point of Dick’s traumas here and what happened with Mirage as some kind of footnote kinda....personally I think it should be the other way around. That its Mirage that weighs on Dick the most because what she did was premeditated where with Catalina it was a crime of opportunity. With Miriam though, it was always going to happen no matter what, because it only happened because she MADE it happen. She like....stalked Dick pretty much from the time of her arrival in this timeline (or at least how that initially was viewed - the timeline thing, not the stalking thing. Forget it. Weird story is weird. Doesn’t matter). But like....Mirage went after Dick with intent. She knew exactly what she was doing, and she was willing to do whatever to make it happen, up to and including kidnapping Dick’s actual girlfriend and taking her place.

With Tarantula, like, she was more than quick to seize on the first opportunity to make it happen, but like...that’s still a different thing IMO from like...KNOWING that someone literally plotted out and premeditated one of the most disruptive traumas of your life without any care for what it would DO to your life, and you later carrying all the blame for that in everyone else’s eyes without anyone ever acknowledging what it did to YOU....even though MULTIPLE people know and its even affected your overall reputation. With Tarantula....I think that trauma absolutely compounded everything else that happened with Blockbuster but it was hardly limited to just that, but again with Mirage....that one specific act pretty much derailed the entire course of Dick’s life at the time. Because again....while you could absolutely claim that there are other issues Dick and Kory might have broken up because of later, even without Mirage’s actions, like....you have to MAKE the case for those reasons. You can’t just attribute their breakup to rushing into marriage, when again....Mirage was the literal catalyst for Dick proposing when he did.

Which again, to bring it all back to the start.....that’s why it will forever make me channel Gar Logan and turn into a green-hued screeching howler monkey every time people are like I absolutely agree that its not okay to blame Dick for his own rape at Mirage’s hands....but then turn around and be like okay, but Dick and Kory did break up because Dick rushed them into marriage before they were ready.

Cuz.

Like.

THEY’RE THE EXACT SAME THING!

The one is just the other but described from a different vantage point.

faslkfhaklfhaklfhkalfha

I get if people didn’t know that before now, but please please please can we like....push back against the misinformation on this particular topic because omggggg is it unpleasant to repeatedly hear people contradict themselves in the same paragraphs half the time because they literally don’t know that they’re talking about the same events in both cases.

Believe it or not, I actually had a lot more about Mirage and about other ways things could have gone differently for Dick and Kory if he’d had even just a little more support from someone else at the time, whether from Bruce or even just one of the Titans, like all it would have taken was just ONE person to try and view things from Dick’s perspective and be like okay everyone hold up, some bad fucking conclusions have been arrived at here.

BUT I am tired and this is long and literally just...whatever. I’ll do that some other time. LOL. And I bounce.

#first person to try and tell me the wordcount of this is getting blocked I swear to fucking god

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foster-the-world · 3 years

Text

Bad Day with an unexpected ending

Woke up to my Mom calling because my Grandma passed away. 99 years! She had a good run and I’m glad she gets some rest. However, it’s still sad for us. At CVS I started walking toward the card aisle to buy her a Halloween card - when I remembered. She was a cool lady. They are going to spread her ashes over my Grandpa’s tomb - per his request. She took care of paying for her cremation over a decade ago. She wasn’t one to leave work for anyone else.

Then I got my Med Math exam back. I missed four and I was only allowed to miss two :( I have two chances to retake. The problem is I have no idea what I got wrong. They aren’t releasing the correct answers or telling us which one we missed so that we don’t pass on the test questions to next semesters students. I had plenty of time to do each problem three times and felt like every response was correct. Which leaves me with no idea what to study. The Professor said almost everyone’s mistakes were “silly.” Which is not helpful. The Professor scheduled a study session for Thursday and a retake for Friday.

Of course, the retake is during the Grandma at daycares funeral. Her family (the other daycare teachers) asked me to give a speech on behalf of all of the children/parent’s she’s cared for. I don’t feel like I can miss it and don’t feel like I can pass up a chance at the retake. I emailed the Professor. Fingers crossed they give me another option. I have no idea what they will say. I honestly cannot imagine telling her family I am not coming. I also don’t think I can risk not having two more chances to retake. They claim you are kicked out if you don’t score a 90% by attempt #3.

Bee’s biological sister (6.5 years old) father sent us pictures of Bee’s sister with her biological Mom today. None of the six children have EVER met her. She hasn’t had contact with her family (some of whom are raising some of Bee’s siblings) in a decade. He didn’t really make it clear but I guess he reached out to her via Facebook. I am her Facebook friend and after not posting for over a year she has been posting a lot in the last week. In fact, this weekend she sent me a message (a first) that asked how I was. When I responded she did not write back. The Father said the visit went really well. Apparently she is interested in meeting all of the six kids. We would like Bee to meet her/have a relationship with her. I would prefer if the first meeting was only Bee, us and her Mom. I am not sure she will handle it as calmly as her sister did. If there’s any risk of her not responding well I’d prefer she’d have some privacy - instead of her six siblings watching. I would imagine Bee’s 16 and 13 year old brothers may feel the same. Although I don’t know. The Father (of Bee’s sister) said he told her he would help her meet all of the kids. We’d also prefer to talk to her without the Father’s involvement at first. I have no idea what the Great Aunt who has one of the siblings (and helped raise another) would think. Or the Great Grandma. I would like to get their opinion first. Honestly, I would love to get Bee an adoption therapist first. We have been meaning to do that anyway. This feels heavy and we don’t want to get it wrong. I don’t think will have time for that. I’m predicting some big emotions after any meeting. Bee is known for big emotions in general. But maybe I’m wrong. The Dad seemed to think there was only positives for his daughter. They are planning to see her again next week, I think. I do think it would be a good thing for Bee overall. I just want to make sure we handle it properly. It feels like a lot to process for anyone - let alone a four year old. The sister’s Dad said the Mom is sweet. Child like. I’m also unsure what language to use when explaining this to Bee. What if she doesn’t show up? What if she only shows up once? These concerns don’t mean I don’t want the visit to happen. I just want to have good language to prep her. I know we can’t avoid Bee having emotions but I do want to offer some cushions for those emotions. I have no idea what her Mom’s life has been like beyond what I read in a court report. She never showed up for any court date, visits, etc. The caseworker did see her for vacation approvals. He said her mood varied. If anyone has any experience with anything like this please let feel free to share any advice. For context, Bee will be five next month.

Now I’m all hyped up and can’t sleep.

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catzula · 4 years

Note

Hello hello! I saw that you're opening requests so here i am! May i have a fic of Katsuki where he found the reader who's usually is a tough nut to crack, is 99% of the time never really cry and acts like a crackhead suddenly starts crying after one of Katsuki's empty insults he usually threw at her? And it turns out that she was very overwhelmed about the amount of work, deadlines, pressure and pretty much problems twirling around her to the point where one insult that she KNOWS he didn't even mean it can throw her over the edge? And Katsuki just went '?!?!?!' and didn't know what to do? Kinda feeling pretty much like this rn lmao, and kinda want comfort especially if it's from the boom boom man.

Anyways- i absolutely adore your work!

•words and promises•

A/N: this request was really cute and so relatable cuz ever since the schools started again, they've been going so hard on us I don't even have the time to sleep sometimes (but I have the time to write- ironic huh) I hope you're feeling better now, tho! Thank you so much for the request, I hope this was comforting rather than triggering cuz bakugou is mean here lmao

bnha taglist!: @astroninaaa

W.C: 3.2k

Warnings: cursing, insecurities (I think?), stress and anxiety

Genre: angst with a good ending, comfort

"And please hand the summary in by Friday. Todoroki-kun, could you make sure to collect them from everyone and hand them to me?" Midnight asked with a bright smile, leaving the room when Todoroki nodded, everyone else groaning in frustration.

"She wants us to read a whole goddamn book and summarize it in a week?" Kaminari cried out, voicing all of your inner thoughts.

"You, know, Kaminari-kun, it's not entirely impossible to do that." Iida interrupted, fixing his glasses. It would've been a bit more convincing if he didn't have purple bags under his eyes and looked like he was about to pass out.

"Maybe It wouldn't have been impossible if we didn't have 20 other summaries and essays to write!" Mina shot back, and Iida had no answers to that.

You stood silent, but that was because you felt like you couldn't breathe. Everything they were saying was true, this was all too much, and you had no idea how to overcome it. Not even aware you zoned out, you were awoken by your state by a hard snap of a finger in front of your eyes.

"Watcha looking at?" The owner of the fingers asked, and despite his hard voice, his ruby red eyes had a playful glint to them.

"I was just worried if you're smart enough to actually finish an assignment." You told mockingly, and he scoffed.

"Look at the one talking, you were the one who came to my door last night, begging me to help you with the science homework."

"I didn't beg!" You protested. "I just asked you if you did it and you offered to help me!"

"I offered to help just because I pitied you." He muttered, his harsh words causing the rest of the class to gasp and look at you, half expecting you to get mad and scream at him, even though this scene was happening more often than they would like to admit.

These little fights you had with Bakugou was now almost a part of their day. It was an odd relationship you had, always attacking each other, sometimes maybe taking it a bit far, but both of you always knew it wasn't coming from the heart.

When you stood silent, sending a mocking laugh his way, and kept scrolling through Instagram, he was a little surprised.

You were never silent, you always, always had something to say back. In fact, that was one of the things he loved- hated about you. Whatever he told you, you had something clever or dumb to say, and you were so brutally blunt when he fought with you, sometimes he found himself laughing at the insults you threw at him.

Still, his pride stopped him from asking if something was wrong, on the contrary, he was happy to finally have some quiet time, he told himself. You could feel his eyes on you as you thoughtlessly scrolled through your Instagram feed, but you didn't have it in you to argue, you were too tired for that.

Bakugou scoffed after looking at you for a while, still expecting you to poke fun at him, but when you sat still, he gritted his teeth and sat back at his place.

■■■

Bakugou never thought he would miss arguing with you.

He noticed you were acting a bit odd, not once trying to get in a fight with him, not even a snarky comment coming from your way. It was weird to see you so quiet, and it was getting on his nerves.

You weren't entirely silent, but whenever he tried to lul you into fighting with him, you just looked at him with a blank smile and went on doing whatever it was you were doing. And Bakugou was not someone you could just ignore.

Your friends had started to catch up with Bakugou's growing frustration, his now harder comments, and how you simply ignored them. They thought you were tired of him (really, who could judge you? Everyone knew how extra Bakugou sometimes could be), and didn't think of it as much, except one particular red-head.

Kirishima noticed how you clenched your teeth, how your hands turned into fists, your knuckles turning white whenever you heard a comment about you. He was probably the only one that actually understood the odd relationship between you and Bakugou, so Kirishima was more than aware that something was troubling you. He also knew better than just simply asking you, well aware you would never accept that there was, in fact, something bothering you.

You had never been the type to talk about your feelings easily, always trying to fix things by yourself, and taking pride by doing things alone. Your stubborn nature sometimes reminded him too much of a certain ashy blonde.

"Hey, Y/N." He approached you at a break, noticing the dark circles under your eyes. "Oh, hey, Kiri-kun, what's up?" You asked with a slightly forced smile when you felt his eyes examining you.

"Nothing much, we're gonna meet up in Mina's dorm tonight, you know, to partly study and talk. You've been kinda distant lately, you wanna come?" You bit your lip thoughtfully. You wanted to go, but there was so much to do and so little time that you felt like you didn't even have time to sleep, let alone spend time with your friends.

"I- I don't know." You muttered with an apologetic smile. "I don't think I can, I really should work on the homework."

"Oh come on," He insisted. "You don't have to stay long, and it's nice to take a break sometime, you know."

Taking a break. Something you've been putting off doing for a long time.

"You've been pushing yourself quite a lot, you know. Don't think we missed how tired and stressed you've been lately."

"I'm not-" You tried to deny, but sighed when he looked like he wouldn't believe whatever you told him. "Okay, I'll be there." You told him, and he sent you a cheeky smile.

"Just make sure we have enough coffee."

"I personally will take care of that." He winked, and you giggled, shaking your head side to side. You didn't even notice the ruby eyes watching you two as you laughed, a dreadful feeling forming in the pit of Bakugou's stomach since it was someone else who made you laugh. Not him. All he could do was to mess with you.

The frustration he felt reflected on his words, too. Sure, Bakugou was never nice, but over the past years you had spent with him, he had learned to be, well, not so aggressive. But as the day went by, he just kept attacking you in a way that made you feel trapped.

And even though you never noticed, the way you seemed to ignore him whenever he tried to get a reaction from you just made everything worse, causing Bakugou to get even braver with his attempts to fight.

And he was aware of it, too. Bakugou could feel his heart beating faster in his chest whenever he told you something, a fear in him that told him he just went too far this time, but nonetheless, he still didn't even get one look his way.

"Miss Y/N? Can you answer this?" You heard Aizawa calling your name, making you jump in your seat. You weren't even aware that you had zoned out. Again. "I- I'm sorry." You muttered after a few seconds, looking down at your hands and hiding your face.

A mocking laugh came from Bakugou's way, and you clenched your teeth, hoping he would just let it go with a scoff, but your hopes died when Aizawa quirked a brow.

"Bakugou? Have something to say?" He asked, and Bakugou scoffed. "How can you be so-" He started to say but stopped mid-sentence when you didn't even turn his way, playing with the pen that was in front of you, instead, as if you were telling him just your pen was more interesting then whatever he had to say.

"Whatever." He muttered, not bothering to finish the remark he was previously saying.

■■■

"I have to pull like a week of full nighters to get half of these done!" Mina groaned eyeing the books and papers that were towering on her desk, denying to fit into her bag.

"And Aizawa-sensei even talked to them to go easy on us." Ochako exclaimed nervously. Even Yaoyorozu, probably the only one that would actually be able to finish all the assignments, had bags under her eyes, either from stress or the lack of sleep.

You entered the room, only to find a bag full of canned coffee and Kirishima's wide smile, greeting you. "I kept my promise, you see." He told you as you settled on the floor across him. "And I kept mine." You answered with a tired smile. It was an unnecessary attempt to hide how tired you were at this point.

"Hey, Y/N, we were wondering if you were okay? You seem to be a little down lately and-" Ochako asked with a nervous smile, which you didn't even let her finish. Maybe it was rude what you did, but you didn't want to hear the end of that sentence.

"Oh I'm perfectly fine." You lied through your teeth. "Maybe just a little stressed, but really nothing important."

"Are you sure?" Mina quirked a brow at you, but before you could answer, everyone looked at the door when they heard a knock, and you took a deep breath of relief. Looking around you, everyone was here, and you weren't sure who it could be at the door-

"Bakugou, you showed up!" Mina cheered when she saw the grumpy blond leaning to the door.

"Tch," he scoffed, his eyes meeting yours for a second, the look in them sending shivers down your spine. "Only because you wouldn't get out of my hair if I didn't."

"It always works, though." She told him with a sly smile, causing his eyes to narrow in a threatening way. His gaze wandered around the room, eyes meeting yours for a second time that night, you noticed his hands turning into tight fists when you looked away.

It wasn't your intention to ignore him the way you did, you just didn't have the strength to fight back. You liked fighting with Bakugou, but lately, you felt like you would break if anyone so much as touched you, and Bakugou's words were -even though it was unintentional- often harder than a slap across your face.

He didn't think of it as something important, no one did, since you were the only one that could handle Bakugou and fight back. You never held your tongue, never quivered before him, never looked sad when he said something that would make anyone else break down crying.

No one ever knew, it did sadden you. Especially lately, with all the stress and pressure on you, it did make you feel like crying, but of course, you weren't going to admit to that.

So, you hid it. From everyone, from your friends, form Aizawa sensei and family. No one needed to know how everything was pressuring you in a way that the only thing you could feel was being trapped until you just... sorted things out.

"Hey, you okay?" Kirishima nudged you with his leg, waking you up from your dark thoughts. Not even aware you zoned out, your breath stuck in your chest, you gaped at him blankly for a second.

"Y-yeah." You answered with a smile, and you heard him sigh.

"Yeah, okay." He finally told you. "Just- just know you can talk to me when you don't feel good, 'kay? You know I'm always here to listen."

You did, you really did, but you just wanted to sort things out yourself, without anyone else, to prove to yourself that you were strong enough.

You nodded and reached for a can of coffee, hiding your watering eyes from him.

"Oh, since you're here!" You heard Mina shuffle some paper on her desk. "Could you help me with this math question? I've been working on it for a while now, but I just couldn't do it." She leaned your way, handing you the paper.

"Oh-" You bit your lip, feeling oddly guilty. "I'm sorry Mina, I couldn't do it either."

"Oh, that's okay, we'll just ask Bakugou, then." She shrugged thoughtlessly and turned to the blond that was watching your every move, looking awfully similar to a wolf watching his prey. His eyes narrowed when you followed your friend and got closer to him, not saying a word. The meek look in your eyes oddly disturbed him, even he wasn't sure why seeing you like this angered him, but it did. He could feel how your nervousness grew as you walked towards him, too.

"What? Too dumb to do it yourself?" He raised one brow, praying to get an annoying answer like you always did, but you just looked away, instead.

"Hey, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you that dumb that you can't even-"

"Bakugou, that's enough." Kirishima interrupted, noticing your watering eyes, how you nervously chewed on your lip, but Bakugou wasn't listening to him. He was too focused on trying to get a reaction out of you, not even aware of anything else.

"What- did I offend the princess? Is that all you can do? Just stand there all pretty, not able to even defend yourself that people around you has to?" Bakugou blurted out, words coming out of his mouth in an angry fit. The second he said them, his eyes widened, realizing he went too far this time.

Too far.

He saw how you flinched at his words, and that's when you chose to look him in the eyes. Your lashes wet with tears you were desperately trying to hold back, one or two already sliding down your cheek. Only then did he notice how tense you were, and not only then, but almost all the time these last few days.

"I-" You tried to speak, but you choked on your words, your heart beating so loudly in your chest, and in your ears, you knew you had to get away from him.

Not even bothering to excuse yourself, you left the room in a rush, leaving ten gaping people after you.

"Wh-what the fuck?" Bakugou muttered, his eyes still fixed on where you were standing seconds ago.

"Are you fucking dumb?" Kirishima exclaimed suddenly. His eyes wide with disbelief, yeah, Bakugou was mean and he did go overboard sometimes, but this was something else.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" He kept pestering his dumbfounded friend. "What were you thinking as you said all those things to her? Hah?"

"I wasn't-"

"You weren't thinking, that's the problem! What's going on with you lately? How can you lash out at her so?!" Bakugou stood quiet, the rest of the room not even daring to make a sound.

"Shut up, shitty hair." Bakugou muttered as he walked towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Ochako asked meekly, gulping loudly when Bakugou sent a glare her way and exited without even answering her question.

■■■

It wasn't hard to find you.

Maybe it was because he knew you too well, even more than he was even aware, or maybe it was because you weren't as complicated as you thought you were.

The night was chilly, the stars so bright, he was certain you were out in the garden. He spotted you on the bench, feeling his heart clenching with the sight of your face hidden in your hands, shoulders shaking with sobs.

"Y/N." He called out, his voice making you jump in your seat. You sprinted to your legs immediately, wiping the tears with the back of your hand, though, not doing a good job since your face was still damp with tears.

"Bakugou- wh-what are you doing here?" You asked, taking a step back when he got closer to you. He noticed this, a dreadful feeling forming in the pit of his stomach.

"I'm here to..." Why was he here? Certainly not to apologize. No, Bakugou never apologized.

Or so you thought.

"I'm here cause I'm- sorry." He finally managed to say, almost inaudibly. "For the things I said back in there- and other times, too."

He watched as you bit your lip, a confused and hurt look in your eyes, and he wanted to kick himself for causing you to be like this. "Why-" You finally managed to say after a few seconds, "why did you say all that? Why did you-"

"I'm sorry." He repeated, and this time you didn't step back when he walked towards you. So close that you could feel his caramel scent enveloping you. "I'm really sorry."

"I was- I was being dumb, I didn't mean any of that, and I'm really, really sorry." He whispered, and before he even knew what happened, you had your arms wrapped around him. It caught him by surprise, but he instantly closed his arms around you, too, holding you so tightly, his body so warm and so safe, you found yourself crying once again.

"Shh," he whispered to your hair, his hand caressing your hair in a soothing way. "It's okay." He didn't really know what was okay, but he felt like you needed to hear those words.

And you did.

Your sobbed in his arms, your face pressed to that place in between his shoulder and neck as his hand stroking your hair. And you didn't know what it was, but after a while that felt like you were never going to stop crying, you felt your sobs dying slowly, until all that was left was your occasional sighs.

Bakugou had never seen you like this, never so vulnerable, never so open. But the soft smile on his face told you that he didnt hate it. And you didn't exactly hate it either, to finally be able to at least show a fraction of what you were feeling to anyone.

"I'm sorry." You muttered. "I got your shirt wet."

"Dumbass, why are you apologizing-" his eyes widened when he realized he insulted you again. "I didn't mean-"

"No it's okay." You giggled. "I still want to have those- whatever it is we have. Let's not change anything, I don't want you to act as if I'm fragile glass."

"Y-yeah." He answered, his chest finally feeling lighter since he saw you laugh. "Yeah, okay."

His eyes looked at your laughing face one more time. "Promise."

Even though you weren't sure why exactly he promised, you had a feeling it was to never make you cry again.

#bnha x reader #bakugou x reader #bnha bakugou #bakugou angst #mha x reader #bnha imagines #bakugo x reader #bnha scenarios #mha imagines #mha x y/n #bakugou katsuki x reader

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mevekagvain · 3 years

Text

Chapter 93 - Fancy chair, love it.

- So my theory is that Raizel just never learnt how to write in Lukedonian either.

- Tbh the janitor is suspicious. Like how hard was he googling M-21?

Chapter 94 - SUYIIIIIIIIIIII

- Ah geez the first of the racistly depicted characters.

Chapter 96 - Suyi getting mad at the kids for complaining about Hansu is so funny like when she first appears you think she's perhaps a stuck up celebrity or a pushover but it turns out she's just a really sweet friend.

- Suyi being stunned by Rai's looks but not falling for him (same with Yuna) is one of the things I always liked about Noblesse. Like sure in the first meeting they get blushy but I'll just jot that down to the inherent beauty of nobles since I can't relate to it at all.

Chapter 97 - Frankenstein's house always being stocked with so much food because the kids just started coming over daily is hilarious. Even funnier since Frankenstein obviously thinks it's overkill but is the one stocking up anyway.

Chapter 98 - Regis and Seira 🥺 Seira's og outfit was the best one she had like it only goes downhill from here folks.

Chapter 99 - It would have been so funny if Frankenstein went "they must be cosplayers" instead of realising the two were nobles.

- Regis taking all the initiative shows how it's his roadtrip coming of age journey which is pretty clever. Also Seira's just like that but still.

- Shinwoo stop exercising in class bro. Do not flex on the rest of us this is so rude 😭😭😭

- Regis confidently saying he's a noble in class to humans he doesn't plan on mind controlling... Baby boy why are you so dumb? How is this hiding your identity??? And Seira just lets him,,, good for her.

Chapter 100 - Ah yes their elegance boner at seeing Raizel... nobles are so fucking weird.

- M-21 thinking he won't get any information because of his time at the Union and thus being surprised at how open Frankenstein is is actually really sweet. Like yeah I still think Frankenstein is an unethical and questionable person but he is kind to most humans (werewolves and nobles can go fuck themselves I guess lmao).

Chapter 101 - The second hand embarrassment I felt when M-21 called the two noblesse... how do I even consume content?

- Yeah 100% most union members don't know the difference between nobles and vampires. I bet they'd classify jiangshi as either mutants or werewolves. Or to be more specific, that would be the classification given to low leveled members. On one hand I think it's dumb that the Union gives members twisted information because how would they even use it? But on the other hand it makes sense since it prevents said members from seeking nobles for help. After all, if they believe even the 'noblesse' are vampires that drink blood, than obviously they won't see them as possible escape routes.

- 'Noblesse only applies to one person'. Yeah because Rai's brother is fucking dead. And so is whoever was his predecessor/parent.

Chapter 102 - Those bullies got backup so fucking fast like Shinwoo literally just asked Regis and Seira if they were okay then boom! They're back.

Chapter 103- Regis going ??? essentially when Shinwoo tells him to take care of Seira is so funny like yes ofc he's confused she's literally a clan leader + noble females aren't physically weaker + noble women work out just like the men.

- Rude, Regis. You can't just ask someone why they're mingling among humans. You're doing that too. Who doesn't mingle among humans smh. Even cats and pigeons mingle with us.

Chapter 105 - Love how everyone else in the household is so sick of ramyeon like Raizel stop please you're being selfish.

Chapter 106 - Frankenstein is the definition of the 'right in front of my salad?' meme at Regis and M-21 arguing at the dinner table. Then there's Seira and Raizel just waiting for the noodles to get soggy so he can't even eat. Wish Urokai could see him getting tortured like this.

- The soldier rejecting backup because he knows the enemy is the Union hurts my heart. Wanting to prevent casualties... iwi

Chapter 107 - Shark how tf do you not know about South Korea? That's one of the asian countries people actually know about. I guess maybe it's because this is from around a decade back? K-pop is more recent and made the country more visible I guess.

- Ah yes Takeo. Forever known as "the first time I read Noblesse and he appeared I thought he was Marie's sister since they had the same hairstyle". Like I thought that before even learning about the Aris Taivra fiasco. My power 😔

- Oh don't worry M-21, Frankenstein stopped experimenting on people 830 years ago. You know, as one does.

Chapter 108 - Shark has like no general knowledge. Geography? History? Tf is that I guess.

- Tao saying they're the worst possible people for the job is so funny like yeah he's right. "All we do is massacre people in warzones why are we in Seoul?"

- The rest of the squad complain or are confused about the peace meanwhile Takeo is vibing. He's the normal guy TM of the group.

- Ah yes noble lore. If you take canon at face value than the fact that nobles were around when humans first emerged and there being about 2-3 clan leaders before the current generation means you can estimate their lifespan. Ofc it differs wildly depending on how you interpret the 'first humans' part. I'll assume there were 3 generations before the current generation (mvp lord being the third generation) and won't be adding the current generation since a 0.5-2k years is kinda meaningless. I'll also be assuming that mvp lord entered eternal sleep at around the same age as his predecessors and that he would have died soon from old age anyway (since canonically they do have limited lifespans). If we assume it's just the first human ancestors (7 million years ago) than the average pureblood lifespan is 2.33 million years. If we assume it's when homo sapiens started to emerge (300k years ago) than it's 100k years. If it's about modern humans (130k years ago) than it's 43.3k years. Regardless I'll ignore it since my hcs are that nobles are effectively immortal unless killed and that the 2-3 clan leaders is a misconception due to a mix of Gechutel just straight up lying, because there are clans that have had fewer clan leaders, because I have nobles settling on Lukedonia only 30k years ago, and because Gechutel is factoring in his own age of 10.2k so it's more like 'There have been 2-3 Ru clan leaders before the Ru clan leader 10k years ago since after we settled in Lukedonia'. There's also the possibility that nobles didn't have lords or clan leaders until a few thousand years ago in canon but the species has existed for much longer.

- 'Nobles are individualistic... They don't despise humans but don't love them either.' Humans w/ ants. Now if the ants were capable of speaking with us it'd be exactly the same situation.

Chapter 109 - "What were they researching here?" Since when does the Union research anything aside from human modifications Kranz? Why do you even need to ask? More seriously this means that the Union doesn't actually only do human experimentation and weapons lmao. The other shit just isn't relevant I guess. It's a shame, I'd have loved to see how a lab focused on like, fixing up polluted waters, would be fit into the story.

- The fact that Tao beat Jake up is never mentioned enough. Also confirms that Jake was lying out of his ass about being the strongest.

- Marie being the weakest assassination squad member is interesting like I know why Crombel doesn't need bodyguards as the reader but you'd think the Union would be suspicious of him not having a stronger bodyguard. Also I still can't believe the Union doesn't bother learning who the members are aside from the ones Crombel tells them about like. Bro???

- Shark calling Takeo uptight is hilarious because the guy literally just shot the falling ceiling light which is the opposite of uptight. Either he was preventing them from getting hurt/being caught or he wanted that to happen considering the fact that he shot it and it shattered. And then he just goes back to leaning against the wall. Takeo please 🤣

Chapter 110 - And Shinwoo's still staying over at Ikhans place. Wonder when he's gonna move back. I really love their dynamic like yeah I beg my sister to get me food all the time too. Also love the apron and skeleton hoodie.

- Shinwoo went through the five stages of grief pretty quick huh? Like yeah it's his own misunderstanding that Ikhan is dating someone but still. Homophobia is annoying as always though.

Chapter 111 - Suyi paying for their food is so sweet of her and also I relate so much like yeah mood that's me and no I don't want to be paid back.

- Takeo,,, the fact that he just hands his wallet over because he doesn't like violence and doesn't want to beat them up,,, my heart. Otoh... how did he even get cornered in an dark shady alleyway lmao.

- Aris managing to make herself look like a teenager as Taivra is interesting since Takeo says he wants her to be able to go to school like Yuna and Shinwoo when he's treating them. I guess she looks younger without makeup.

- Takeo just straight up pointing his gun at Shark in public because he mentioned Taivra... anger issues much? I understand why but taking your gun out is an overreaction.

#noblesse #raining while reading

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the-quiet-fire-of-defiance · 3 years

Note

Hey there! It's your secret santa again! I would love to hear a little about your headcanons for Elrond's family, if you have any! <3

Hey!! I’m down for most interpretations (so long as they all love each other, because I am Soft) but a few of my headcanons;

Elladan and Elrohir are devoted mummy’s boys. They love their dad, but they literally couldn’t be anymore mummy’s boys if they tried.

Elrond loves all four of his parental figures and misses them very much. He forgives Maedhros and Maglor, although he still spent millennia working through everything. He’s also proud of his birth parents and is 99% sure that Earendil spies on him, and may in fact be the source of the tiny beautiful meteorites that tend to always fall around Imladris on the twins’ birthday.

It’s extremely easy to make Elrond blush.

Arwen is literally everyone’s favourite.

When the kids were little, they played with cute toys that Celebrimbor had once made for Celebrian.

Celebrian fell in love with Elrond’s library before she fell in love with Elrond himself. In fact, he barely got any of her attention for at least three weeks because she was absolutely fixated on his books.

Celebrian is a writer, historian, essayist, academic and literary analyst. She grew up in the shadow of the First Age and it deeply affected her and her worldview. It’s why she’s so passionate about history. She worked hard to gather as many sources as she could and put them together before elves died or sailed. She also lead several archaeological expeditions, to her mother’s considerable distress.

Elrond read several of her works before they met and in the awkward period where he was pining for her, and developed a considerable academic crush. He annotated a copy of one of her historical analyses and sent it back to her, although he was worried that she might be offended. She was delighted.

Elrond definitely had a thing with Gil-galad this is just a personal ship, you don’t have to include this one :P

Celebrian can be fierce and stubborn and mighty, but she prefers to be gentle. It takes conscious effort. It’s one of Elrond’s favourite things about her; she’s the gentlest person he knows.

Elrond has a lot of nightmares and Celebrian comforts him.

He’s also an octopus in his sleep and she usually wakes up with him plastered to her side and all four of his limbs wrapped around her.

Elladan and Elrohir only really devoted themselves to warriorhood after Celebrian’s capture. Before that, Arwen was the one who was most likely to go on an adventure.

Elrond constantly worries about his kids developing his powers and causing the kind of havoc that he did when he was a child. He once opened a portal to the Void. It was a bad day.

This is a lot more than I expected to write out! It’s completely okay if you don’t follow any of these, like I said, I’m open to most interpretations and I’m sure I’ll enjoy it no matter what you write <3

#elrond #celebrian #elladan #elrohir #arwen #rivendell

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pebblysand · 3 years

Text

of breakable clay [extended author's notes on chapter viii of castles]

oh my god. it’s out. jesus christ.

okay first off, before i dive into anything, i know i’ve already done this in the actual a/n but i would like to wholeheartedly thank @whiffingbooks over on discord for helping me with figuring out the structure of things fic. although i have to admit i did not, at all, do what i told you i would do, talking it out was massively helpful in figuring this one out, so thanks a million. secondly, i would like send all of my most sincere and affectionate thanks to @whizzfizz on here, who mother-of-god basically designed this entire chapter and listened to me rant, and rant, and rant about it for days on end without complaining. i’ll go into a bit more depth later on, but THANK YOU.

now, a few facts on this chapter before i dive further in:

wordcount: 19168. i legit would apologise for this but i promised i wouldn’t so i’m not going to. that’s growing up people. don’t apologise for yourselves haha.

soundtrack: so i’ve never mentioned this but each chapter kind of has a soundtrack? like a song that i listened to on loop while writing this. here, i would basically point you to the entire spotify of a band called barns courtney (there’s one album and a few eps), i basically listened to all of their songs on loop this past month. i feel like they have such a strong gryffindor energy, in the good, the bad and the ugly. this chapter is definitely sort of an ode to gryffindors so their music was a very big inspo. if i had to point you to one song, it would probably be dopamine.

favourite line: ‘I dig my fingernails into the inside of my palms and it feels like the blood that comes out is already boiling.’

what is this chapter about? now, that’s an easy one. survival.

okay, now, spoilers under the cut.

ugh. holy fucking shit. i’m actually at a stage right now where i strongly believe that no one on earth will want to read this because everyone probably hates me right now for the choices that i made, especially after i made you wait almost three months for this shit. i always feel like whatever i’ve put out was the hardest chapter to write so far but this one was really out there in terms of struggles - i’m really sorry it took so long, but here we are.

there are reasons, though. first, as i said in my may round up, i didn’t really start writing this until about a month ago, because a lot of things were happening in my life that i needed to take care of. i took exams (which i passed!!!!), my mum had a health emergency, ireland added france to their mandatory quarantine list (it has been removed as of yesterday thank. fucking. christ) and i started a new job. it was a lot.

anyway, this being said, when i did get to writing this chapter, as mentioned above in the thank-you section, i kind of first struggled with the structure of it. now, you will see this is a recurring theme this time around but for this, my instincts were telling me one thing, and my brain was saying something else.

basically, what came first here wasn’t the actual content of ginny’s letters (more on that, obviously, in a minute) but the ‘mood’ i wanted for the chapter. i wanted to recreate, both for harry and for the reader, this sort of idea of being completely immersed in a book or a story. like, you know the kind of mood where reality just kind of blends out, where you start reading something and just. cannot. stop. i don’t think he’s much a reader (at least not canonically) and so i wanted this to take him by surprise, for her to take over his life with her words. i explained in the previous a/n [link] i chose to have ginny’s war be told through letters (basically, i thought it would be the best way to narratively tell her story), and i really wanted harry to experience what she’d lived through almost first hand.

now, interestingly, my idea for how to do this originally was to have the letters sort of be interwoven into the events of 1999, throughout the next couple of chapters (meaning this one and chapter nine). i had this idea in my head of him living through ‘real life’ things but not being able to take his mind off her letters, with the letters also sort of echoing the events that were happening in 99, etc. having the two plot lines develop at once and meet in the middle, kind of.

and i tried to write that. for a long time. spoiler alert, it didn’t work. i think the reason is that every time i sat down with it, i felt like i was doing a disservice to both stories. i mean: 97/98 is important, but 99 also is, you know? and by taking the narrative in and out all the time, it was like you couldn’t concentrate on one thing. it was just very messy and didn’t have the intensity i was originally aiming for because it kept being dragged out of whatever was the main action at the time. i wanted harry to get sucked into the narrative, for her letters to take over his life, but in the end, the impression i just got was that the whole thing was confusing af. instead of deeply caring about both, i couldn’t bring myself to care either for ginny’s story, or for his.

also, i just kept hitting a wall: a wall called harry. basically, i knew that the next two chapters (i.e. eight and nine) would stretch from january 99 to june 99. and for the love of god, no matter how many times i turned it around in my head, there was - to me - no way that harry as we know him would just pace himself to read her letters throughout all those months. like, harry fucking potter isn’t the kind of guy who ‘paces’ himself. he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t sleep for a week to get through it all, you know? this is everything that he’s wanted to know since last may, he’s been desperately looking for answers up to this point, there is absolutely not way in hell that he’d wait it out nicely until june. it felt ooc to have him read the letters over a few months. and i just kept hitting that wall over and over. i considered, at one point, building him reading the letters into flashbacks but flashbacks of flashbacks were, again, quite messy, and i don’t think her letters would ever be something he’d volunteer to re-read, so. clearly, it wasn’t working.

then, i think on a random sunday a few weeks ago, i just went back to the drawing board and was like: okay, say we just write all of the letters and go from there, what would happen? by the end of the day, i’d written 12,000 words and that was that, really.

now, the second difficulty, once i’d decided that was…. what you all probably want me to talk about.

i know this is probably not what you want to hear but: i didn’t really plan this? like, i understand that a lot of people have sort of a headcanon about what happened to ginny in that year in hogwarts but i … don’t. like, as planned as this fic is (which it is, i know where i’m going, i promise) that was always a bit of a blank-space-tbd in my head. i think that this story, as hinny as it is, is mostly about harry. and while i knew what i wanted for harry from her telling her story (for him to get sucked in, for him to realise that his war wasn’t the only war in the world ‘cause he’s been bloody self-centered so far, for him to realise that his plan to protect her didn’t exactly work because it didn’t cater for who she is, etc.), i wasn’t really sure what that story was. i mean, i knew it was going to be bad and traumatic, obviously, but i didn’t know what would happen. and still, to me, what i wrote is a version of that year. it’s not really my headcanon (i still don’t really have one), and i definitely accept other versions, if that makes sense.

this being said, i obviously had thought about it a little. i remember writing chapter one with that line: ‘They have sex for the first time, that day – his first time and it feels like hers, too, but he wouldn’t dare ask, not anymore, anyways’ and thinking i wanted to leave the door open. to me, it was a door completely open: it could have indeed been her first time, or she could have seen someone else (consensually) during that year, or she could have been assaulted. i honestly didn’t know but yeah, that was always a possibility in the back of my head.

then, to tell you the truth, when i wrote the first version of this chapter (the 12,000 words i mentioned earlier), it wasn’t there. i sat down and decided that i wasn’t going to go there. firstly, because, while you probably don’t know this, i’ve written about sexual assault before. my previous long fic, children, in another fandom, dealt (in part) with that. and i didn’t want to be the-fic-writer-who-writes-about-sexual-assault. especially because trust me, there are people who are a lot more legitimate to talk about this than i am. i also didn’t feel like it was necessary to the story, i could do without it and still explain ginny’s early behaviour in the fic, explain her trauma, and have harry realise the things i talked about before. secondly, i’ll be honest: i know this isn’t what people in this fandom want to read. the hinny pairing is mostly about love and fluff (which i love, btw, don’t get me wrong) and i was like, ugh, i don’t want to face the angry comments. i’m writing this a/n the morning before posting so i admittedly don’t know what the reaction will be but i do anticipate a lot of annoyance with me. i knew that a lot of people wouldn’t like it if i went there, and it was just easier not to.

but then, as i started editing, there was a comment (and this, ladies and gentlemen, is a testament to how much your comments fucking matter, okay?). a comment that i remembered reading on the previous chapter and could not get out of my head, no matter how much i tried. well, hello, @whizzfizz. i’ll happily give credit where credit is due. it read:

This made me think of something you mentioned earlier in the fic (possibly Ch1) about Harry not being sure if he was Ginny’s first but that it felt like it. I wonder if this is something that is going to come up in her letters to him.

and, so, it turned. around and around in my head, and i couldn’t get it out. and i kept saying to myself: no, you’re not going there. no, you’re not going there. and then, one night, i caved. i was like, fuck, i need to know if this person really meant what i think they meant by this. and so we talked. a lot. and, i did a lot of thinking. about women. about wars. about violence against women as a an inevitable weapon of war. about ginny being harry’s girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend (more on that later), and what that would have meant in their world. and @whizzfizz, you said something that in the end really sold me. you said: ‘at this point, i don’t think it would be realistic for it not to have happened.’ and, that was that, really.

because i was right, initially. amycus/ginny (ugh, the idea of a pairing makes me throw up in my mouth a little but yeah, there it is) isn’t necessary to the story. but i believe it to be necessary to what this story is trying to show. the plot held well without it, no questions asked. 12,000 words of the da and their battles, of ginny’s rebellions. it was fine. but i think i wanted more than fine. to me (and i appreciate how fucking pretentious that is, please slap me in the face *eyeroll*), castles is more than its plot. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: this is about what is behind ‘all was well.’ it’s about trying to paint a realistic picture of their lives. and that includes the war. and realistically, as far as i’m concerned, knowing how humans fight their wars, knowing our history and the history of violence against women construed as a weapon in literally every conflict there ever was, there is no way that this didn’t happen. ginny says it herself: for us girls, it’s just the way wars are fought.

so, i did go there. and the whole fandom probably hates me for going there, but i sort of stand by it, i have to say. to be honest, on a sort of subconscious level, i kind of wonder: didn’t i always know i was going to go there? like, this fits perfectly into the plot to the point that i think it was probably in my head for much longer than i care to admit. now, i’m so, fucking excited to write next chapter because i finally get to write happy things, and hinny getting back together on rock solid foundations of openness and sharing, and trust, and i’m so, so glad. there are a couple of scenes in the next chapter that i’ve been working towards for months and i’m so, bloody excited to write them. everyone might hate me and i might just be writing this fic for myself now (lol), but again, i stand by the decisions i took. to me, it fits.

phew. okay, now that huge thing is out of the way and explained, here are a few more jumbled thoughts:

the more i think about it, the more i think that my reason for not wanting to be the-fic-writer-who-writes-about-sexual-assault is a bit ridic. children and castles, in that way, are so, so different. like, i appreciate the overlap between the silk fandom and the hp fandom is probably ridiculously small but if you’ve read both stories, they’re obviously very different. one thing that both stories centre on, though, is consent. and to me, that’s probably the most interesting element of ginny/amycus, and the most interesting element of writing characters within a restrictive pov, rather than an omniscient one. like, do i think ginny/amycus is rape? yes. 100%. do i think that ginny thinks it’s rape? that is a much more interesting question. she says it a number of times but i think to her, this is all about control. i think that because of what happened to her with tom, she’s someone who is terrified of losing control of her mind and of her own agency. so as not to lose that, she’s willing to do whatever it takes. it is a ‘you can control my body, but not my thoughts,’ sort of narrative. and, she never says it outright because i think psychologically she’s just not there yet, but tom is everywhere in these letters. and as her world just spirals out, she hangs onto the very few things that she can control: her relationship to harry, and her willingness to do what it takes for them to survive. she initiates the ‘relationship’ with amycus in an attempt to control her fate. later, as she explains to harry she feels a lot of guilt over what she did, and like a lot of sexual assault survivors, she thinks it was her responsibility. because i’m in harry’s head most of the time for this fic, i’m not sure i’ll ever really get to discuss that at length, but it’s definitely something that i wanted to show. another interesting question is: does harry think it’s rape? i think at that point in the fic, he doesn’t have the education, nor the vocabulary for that. i think instinctively (because he is someone who is very instinctive), he doesn’t blame her. if he blames anyone, it’s probably himself. he understands the necessity to do what you have to do to survive and thinks that no, no matter what she claims, that was not consented. that’s kind of what comes out in his annoyingly inarticulate letter to her at the end. beyond that, though, i think he’s a bit lost, just like she is.

on a mildly related note, there is something that i've been seeing a lot in the comments and that i feel like i should maybe address? namely: harry's reaction to ginny dating other people. i assume similar comments will be made about his reaction to ginny/alecto (meaning that he still decides to write to her, at the end of the chapter). i've seen a lot of people observe that he's much more 'chill' about it in castles than in canon. fair point but is he, though? like, he isn't happy about it in castles. and he's jealous as well. but he was never entitled in canon. he was jealous, yes, the chest monster and all that, but he never really did anything about it, and never really impeded on her right to see other people. now, this being said, i agree that in sixth year he might have thrown a tantrum, had she done what she did in castles, but that was sixth year. it was before the war. before he lost half a dozen people. before he had to adult bloody fucking quickly. this being said, i do think castles-Harry is more 'subdued,' i suppose, than canon harry. this is a choice i made early on, which to me is related to the fact that he kind of lost his 'voice' during the war. i mean, it took him six months of people talking shit behind his back to do a press interview to defend himself. i think with ginny, it's a lot of the same. he's a boy who blames himself a lot, and generally doesn't particularly think he deserves the people in his life. to me it's an evolution of his character within the the world of castles. i'm happy to agree to disagree on it, but to me it makes sense within the character evolution and the way the fic's gone, so to speak. now, obviously, he'll grow out of that in due course, but we're not quite there yet.

regarding their relationship, now, i have to say: one headcanon that i did have for this was her not outright telling everyone they’d broken up. i’m sorry, that plan was shit. i just don’t buy for a second that she would willingly have gone ahead with it, and i don’t buy for a second that tom wouldn’t have used her had he known they’d been together, ex girlfriend or not. plus, i think she needed something to hand onto, and that was her relationship with him. her letters. the belief that they would be together again. without it, i don’t think she’d have survived. and i think that summer after the war, they were totally on the same page, for different reasons. both of them kind of saw their relationship as the one thing that kept them afloat, the one good thing they had, partly also because they’d idealised it for so long. she says it as some point, it wasn’t a relationship, it was a lifeline (another sentence i came up with as a response to a comment, lol) and while that is toxic and was meant to crumble at some point, it was necessary for them, both during the war, and in the early days after it. i think her last letter to him is painstakingly correct on that one.

regarding canon, i know i’m bending a couple of things here, which i just wanted to quickly acknowledge: 1) i know jkr has said it’s teddy remus lupin. i just can’t believe, for a moment, that someone who hated himself as much as lupin did, canonically, would name his son after himself. naming his son after his best mate who died to young to become problematic though? i totally see it. so yeah, creative licence, it’s teddy james lupin in this house, lol. 2) when they meet neville in dh, he kind of hints that they’ve only just started to use the room of requirement a couple weeks ago. the text however, only says they’ve only been staying in it full time a couple of weeks ago. i needed them to have somewhere where to meet with the da and stuff, so i bent that a bit. it’s not strictly canon, but it’s also not not canon, if that makes sense.

on seamus blowing things up and talking about eight hundred years of oppression? full disclaimer, while i am french, i have been living in ireland for long enough to become eligible for citizenship in less than six months (yay!). i know some people have said that seamus is a bit of a cliche in the books/films and all (the only irish character keen on blowing things up, haha *eyeroll*), but i actually kind of love it? like, the whole thing about the cranberries and zombie at the start of the fic has been in my head for much longer than i care to admit. i love the idea that there’s this whole muggle war going on at the exact same time that no one ever talks about and actually, i find the idea of wizarding ireland v. muggle ireland and the whole political structure fascinating. like, is wizarding ireland an independent state? what’s the story there? i have a whole seamus fic in my head, partially on this topic, that i might or might not write one day.

lastly, i know this may sound a bit weird but i need to say it: once i’d figured out what and how i was writing it, i bloody loved writing this chapter. first stylistically, i really wanted to mimic the style of how i’d written the magazine article in chapter 5 (i.e. not writing out the whole thing but writing out in text the excerpts that harry focused on) and i love how that turned out. i think it was a good way to balance her words and his, kind of merging them into one, big narrative. second, as a writer, it was so fucking interesting to write someone who knows how to write, which believe it or not i’d never done before. additionally, i loved the challenge of editing this because it was like: i’ve got to edit this, but not too much? i was very careful about modifying and polishing too much of ginny’s speech in the letters because i obviously wanted it to sound like someone who was just writing as the words came to her, without polishing the words, the punctuation, etc. like i usually would. i wanted her to have quirks (she says ‘you know?’ a lot) and i played with her capitalisation and punctuation a bit too. i know these aren’t necessarily noticeable details but it was definitely something that i thought about and that was very fun and interesting to write, as a format.

wow, okay. this was LONG but i think i have everything i wanted to say. if you’ve read all of this (whyyyyy?), thanks so much for sticking around. if you’ve got any questions, anything i didn’t address, do let me know, anon or not, my ask box is open. now, i would love to say i’m going to chill or something, but the truth is that i have to a) actually do a last read through of the fic, lol and b) put it out. this is what i get for writing the a/n before finishing the damn thing, i guess. i’ll rest tomorrow, lol.

lastly, in terms of next chapter, realistically, i’d say eight to ten weeks. i have a full time job now and also, writing this was fucking exhausting and i need to take time out for a bit before coming back to it with a fresh mind. i will be writing other stuff though, i promise. i have a couple of prompts to get to (thanks!!!) and a couple of other ideas so i will probably be posting in the meantime, just not castles.

lots of love,

#castles #extended an #writing #fic #its out #holy shit #byyyyyye #I have not proofread this so we die like men eh

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alltheangstmygifttoyou · 2 years

Text

I posted 329 times in 2021

124 posts created (38%)

205 posts reblogged (62%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 1.7 posts.

I added 184 tags in 2021

#art - 52 posts

#learn to be - 30 posts

#writeblr - 29 posts

#morgan weasley - 18 posts

#ask away - 17 posts

#a family curse - 9 posts

#tag game - 8 posts

#cats - 8 posts

#old story - 7 posts

#vent - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 99 characters

#cordelia eventually snaps about it making very clear to the reader that what theyre saying is cruel

My Top Posts in 2021

Catch Up Game

Thank you for the tag @karolinarodrigueswrites :3

Rules: tag people you want to get to know better/catch up with!

Favorite Color: black, red, and purple

Currently Reading: Fangirl and My Hero Academia

Last Song: Eddie from the Rocky Horror Picture Show

Last Movie: Galaxy Quest

Last Series: Falcon and the Winter Solider (haven’t finished it yet)

Sweet, Spicy, or Savory: Savory

Craving: Sleep and an m&m cookie

Tea or Coffee: Hot chocolate, I don’t like caffeine

Currently Working on: Everyone Needs To Learn To Ask For Help also known here as Morgan’s story

Tagging: @prose-for-hire @alexie-writes

7 notes • Posted 2021-06-02 16:11:05 GMT

🍓, for the character you think needs a hug the most

Thank you for the ask!!

This is a very difficult question because my first thought was all of them. But if I had to pick specifically which charecter needs a hug then I would go with... I'm going to list a couple and explain why:

Greenland very much needs a hug. She struggles a lot with understanding her own emotions. She's scared of touch, its uncomfertable and feels dangerous, but she also craves it. A very soft hug that gives her the option to opt out would be best and probably make her cry. Which she needs to since she bottles everything up.

Noah also needs a hug because even though he suffers the least physical and emotional abuse of the main cast he very much is not able to properly handle his problems. As a young child he has to deal not only witnessing a gory death but also know he was the main cause. Not to mention his mothers rapidly decreasing health requiring him to become the caretaker of the house at a young age which meant he did not have many positive reactions outside of his mother. Who then gets ripped away from him and hes placed in a city sized school with thousands upon thousands of people older than him, placed in the group that kind of announces to everyone that you've either killed or are very well capable of killing a person, and expected to act like a kid that hasn't been homeschooled all their life and figure everything out. So he is in dire need for someone to hold him and let him know he's going to be okay :(

Btvs Eva needs a hug because ever part of her life has sucked and she goes back in time to try and get the very dysfunctional but at least better than her biological family back together safe and sound no matter what. Also has to deal with the fact that said dysfunctional family will never be quite the same as she knew them because of her interference in time travel and even though the majority of them would be dead in her orginal timeline even those that weren't might as well be. Which means even though she's trying to make their lives better and prevent some of the terrible things that happen that will inevitably highly affect their personality. So no matter what she isn't really going to get what she wants even if she does succeed in bringing everyone back together. So a group hug would be very good for her.

8 notes • Posted 2021-11-05 22:51:00 GMT

Tw: suicide

Haha so um how do you email your teacher that you haven't done the homework because you got really sick and then got so overwhelmed that you tried to slit your throat and now you're on suicide watch and still haven't been able to do any homework cause the thought gives you a panic attack?

9 notes • Posted 2021-07-21 17:36:50 GMT

Its five thirty in the morning and im shaking and having heart palpitations and im very tired but the idea of sleeping is making me anxious why is this happening

10 notes • Posted 2021-07-02 09:26:33 GMT

Speaking of art by the lovely @flummoxedangel I dont remember if I shared this or not but this was a present they gave me of three of my favorite boys and myself. Wesely Wyndam-Pyrce is in the blue shirt, Percy Weasley is reading the book, and Karkat is the gray one with horns. These three are favorites that my mind keeps circling back to.

Edit: the fact that no one told me I spelled karkat as katkat and had to scroll through my own blog and see it xD

12 notes • Posted 2021-10-31 19:03:48 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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dissoluteways · 3 years

Text

positions

❧

Chapter I

PAIRING: Hyuk/OC RATING: PG WARNINGS: Office AU. WORDCOUNT: 5010

Notes: This is the enourmous fic I’ve been writing for MONTHS, and i am not joking. First of all: this is chaptered, it’s gonna probably be 4 chapters only. I’ve already written 99% of it, I’ll porbably be posting every chapter once a week or so, depending on how i feel. Second of all, there is no warning for this one, there is not even a kiss in this first chapter. And i guess the only warning would be that, this is boss/employee relationship? But everyone if over 20 here so. If it still bothers you, don’t read it. Now yes, go ahead and enjoy c:

❧

“Since you told me you were looking for a new assistant, I hope you don’t mind I told someone I know about the job.” Hakyeon told her, while he was visiting her office during lunch time. They would usually eat out, that day it was raining though.

“Oh, that’s cool, I don’t actually have that many applicants though, but I look forward to meeting him.”

Hakyeon smiled at her, while eating a cherry tomato.

Moments like that made it seem like being an editor in a magazine was easy. Hakyeon was a genius though; he was a manager in marketing and he was amazing at that, mainly because he was so social and charming. She could never do what he did.

Her job, in the meantime, was being a beauty editor. When there wasn't a deadline or if there weren’t any kind of issues running around that day, it was certainly a dream job. The amount of products she got from PR and the events she could attend were ideal. It was tiring at times but she wouldn’t change it. She enjoyed the process of dolling herself up.

But she really needed extra help. It has been a month without an assistant, and she finally understood why she even needed one in the first place.

“His name is Han Sanghyuk. Just be nice to him, okay, he has never worked in a magazine before,” Hakyeon informed her, taking back his things and getting ready to walk out to go back to his own office.

It wasn’t going to be the first time she interviewed a young boy for the job.

Though actually meeting and interviewing people she didn’t know was boring if she was honest. They were mostly young girls with no prior jobs, but who were eager to work and get into fashion. They were cute, they reminded her a bit of herself when she was just starting. And there were a couple of people with actually impressive curriculums, some of which were even older than she was (it made her feel slightly uncomfortable that they would have to work for her).

She almost forgot Hakyeon told her someone he knew was going to be there for the job until she was about to save all the résumés and close the door, and she almost bumped into a boy just outside her office.

“Oh, sorry!” She had to stare up to actually see his face, and she couldn’t help but point out his height. “Wow, you’re really tall.”

“Thank you, I guess.” He seemed kind of awkward, and nervous.

“Are you here for the model job? That’s actually on the other side of the corridor.”

“No, I’m actually for the assistant job.” He handed her two pieces of paper. It was a really short curriculum.

“Oh… Oh, okay, come on in.”

She walked in before him, and looked at him when she sat down in her chair. He had the face of a baby, with cheeks she could pinch, and hair she could fluff. And she had the need of booping his nose. Her heart was actually jumping inside her chest.

By the way he was frowning and looking at her curiously, she noticed she had been staring for maybe way too long.

“Sorry, sorry… Can you tell me your name?”

“Han Sanghyuk.”

“Oh, you’re Hakyeon’s friend, right?”

“‘Friend’ would imply we are the same age,” He pointed out.

“Yeah, how old are you? Do you even have the right age to start working, it seems to me that you should be in high school. If it weren’t for how tall you are.”

“I’m almost 24,” He smiled at her. Her heart jumped once again.

“You’re a baby,” She said without thinking. He started chuckling and she couldn’t help but smile. “Tell me about your previous jobs.”

“I had mostly summer jobs, at fast food restaurants, as a shop assistant, and as usher in local cinemas.” She must have pulled some kind of face, and she felt bad because he got nervous again and she noticed. “I know it’s not impressive, but I’m almost done with my university studies, and I’m eager to learn.”

“Well you’re the last person I’m interviewing, and I’m going to think about it before hiring anyone. I’ll let you know, alright?” She smiled at him reassuringly.

He bowed slightly before standing up. His face might scream baby, but the rest of his body was big for sure, and he really seemed like a man. She tried not to stare at him once he walked out the door.

She had been set on the idea of hiring someone with experience, but she didn’t know then. Sanghyuk was just so cute and handsome. And it wasn’t part of the requirement for the job, but she couldn’t help it; it would be nice to have such a cute face waiting for her every time she arrived at her office.

And she even had to look at his picture every time she checked his resumé. Damn it.

When it was time to leave for her place, she stopped by Hakyeon’s office, ready to talk about that issue with him. He was gay, he would understand.

“How could you not tell me Sanghyuk was so cute?”

“Hello to you too,” He was closing his office, ready to leave as well, and he seemed a bit taken aback by her question. “What are you talking about?”

“Sanghyuk. You sent him to my office and didn’t tell me he was cute and tall and handsome. I wasn’t ready.” She knew she sounded way more stressed than she actually was. But had she been a few years younger, she would have definitely made a move on him.

Hakyeon smiled at her in a knowing way, and she glared at him.

“When I bet with Taekwoon if you would like him or not, I didn’t expect to be right, but I guess I just made fifty bucks.”

She hit him on the shoulder not too hard, but strong enough to hurt him.

“I wanted someone with experience, but now I just want him,” She whined, walking alongside him to the main entrance. “What do I do?”

“Well, I know for a fact that Sanghyuk is really hardworking, I assure you he won’t blow it, he really wants to learn.”

She sighed. At least that was something.

“But you can’t sleep with him, it wouldn’t look good that you’re sleeping with someone below you.”

“What if he’s on top?”

Hakyeon glared at her, and she grinned at her own clever choice of words.

“How do you even know him, by the way? He’s five years younger than us.”

“You remember I give dance classes, right? He’s one of my students there.”

Interesting. He must have been bendy then. That was going to be a much harder choice to make.

She didn’t really want to overthink it too much. Sanghyuk was hardworking, Hakyeon said, and he wanted to learn and was almost done with his studies. Maybe this was his chance. Maybe he would be a great assistant. And she could also admire him from up close in the meantime. That was really just a plus.

When she called him back a couple of days later, she was, once again, taken aback by how cute he was. And how tall as well. She wore heels every day and still only reached his shoulder.

“So your job is mostly following me around and basically helping me with whatever I need for the magazine.” She explained to him after Sanghyuk had signed his contract, ready to start his first day. “I’m a beauty editor, so I deal with makeup products and creams and skin care. You have to help me with that.”

Sanghyuk was nodding enthusiastically to everything she was saying, and making sounds like he understood, with wide open eyes.

“If you have any doubts you can ask me, since it’s your first time working for a magazine, I’ll try to help you.” She smiled at him soothingly. He returned the smile, and her heart melted in her chest. She wanted to pinch his cheeks. “We have to check the new PR products for the next edition, so let’s get going.”

Sanghyuk followed her without questions.

“Oh, by the way,” She turned to Sanghyuk, who was walking right behind her. She blushed a little when he suddenly looked up at her face; his eyes were seriously a little more south than that before. “You’re supposed to write down the things we might need or the ones we might use from the products.”

“Oh, alright,” Sanghyuk took out his phone.

There was a serious generation gap if the last assistant she had still used notepads for those things.

When they got to the PR room, Sanghyuk actually made a cute surprised sound, she couldn’t help but giggle.

“All this for makeup?” He asked her in a low voice.

“No,” She laughed, walking to the section where they got the new products, “This is also for skin care products.”

Sanghyuk wasn’t probably impressed by the difference, but he was going to learn while he was there.

Checking the PR products was fun if it wasn’t for the new guy that started sending them in. She didn’t remember his name, she didn’t care at all, mainly he has been asking her out for a while and it was annoying to say no every time. It was borderline harassment at that point. Out of all the gay guys out there that delivered beauty products, she had to get the one that was straight and annoying.

And there he was, unpacking brand new boxes right at the end of the room. She sighed loudly before approaching, Sanghyuk still right behind her.

“What’s new today?” She asked, very aware her voice was cold and detached.

“The usual brands send in the same stuff,” The delivery guy replied, dropping big boxes on the table by her side. “There’s a new makeup line from Revlon as well. But maybe we should talk more about that at night.”

She closed her eyes right after he had winked at her. Breathing in, she ignored his advance and checked the label on each box instead, trying to focus on what she was going to work with instead.

“Come on, for how long are you going to ignore me?”

“Sanghyuk, can you write down all the labels of these boxes?” She suddenly turned to him. His eyebrows were surprisingly furrowed, but he nodded immediately. She then turned and faced the delivery guy once again. “Please, I already said no. Every time you asked, actually.”

“I know girls like to play hard to get. And you’re quite the catch.” He smirked. She felt like puking.

“I’ll go check the skin care products.” She sighed, facing Sanghyuk. “Find me once you’re done.”

Walking away, she tried inhaling and exhaling to calm herself down. After months of the same routine, it was frustrating to have to deal with the same dumbass every week.

“You have to write on a file all the products that we recorded today, then send it to me.” Once they were done with the PR unboxing and labelling, they went back to her office, as she explained to him what the rest of his day should be. “I might get a call from other departments today, like marketing, so you should pick up the phone every time.”

“Noted.” Sanghyuk agreed without question.

She looked at him over her shoulder when they got to her office. He was writing everything down on his phone. It was adorable.

After a few days, Sanghyuk quickly adapted to working as an assistant. He was far more organized and mindful than she expected, she was happily surprised. At least she didn’t feel bad about hiring him just for his looks; turned out he’s an excellent worker.

The only con of having him there, was still the fact that her crush on him hadn’t faded away. If anything, it grew bigger. His hard work and the way he applied himself to the task at hand only made him more attractive; suddenly he didn’t seem so young anymore.

On monday morning, exactly a week after she hired him, she caught herself staring at him from her seat behind her desk. She could see him from there, his desk almost across from hers in the other room. If he were to lean back on his chair, she wouldn’t see him, but he was writing on the computer so she could easily stare at his face. She still had the need to boop his nose.

That was the day they had to go again to check the new PR products. Sighing loudly, she got up and walked out.

“It’s PR day, let’s go, Sanghyuk.”

“Alright, boss.”

He got the habit of calling her boss. It was cute; she loved it.

She was still dreading going to PR. Whenever she thought about it, it was still the reason she didn’t like going to work on mondays. It was taking a toll on her overall mental health, making her anxious and nervous.

Trying to somehow conceal it, she breathed in deeply as she walked into the PR room, Sanghyuk still following right behind.

“Hello, sugar.” It was the same delivery guy, and she felt sick when those words came out of his mouth.

“Please don’t call me that.”

“Still saying no to my invitation?”

He was smirking again, so she turned and faced Sanghyuk. It surprised her to see the look on his face, between annoyance and exasperation, his eyebrows once again furrowed.

“Um, could you please write down all the stuff we got, Sanghyuk?”

“Sure.” His expression softened a little, as he got out his phone and started taking pictures of the boxes’ label.

“Want to go out after this, darling?” The guy kept making advances; she really didn’t want to stand that in that moment.

“I’ll wait for you outside.” She tapped Sanghyuk on the shoulder and walked away quickly.

It was incredibly frustrating having to deal with that. Especially because she loved her job. She had to deal with men her whole life; like every woman did, she knew that. It was upsetting there certainly wasn’t a way out of this.

While waiting for Sanghyuk, Hakyeon walked past, which helped her get her mind out of upsetting thoughts.

“Hey!” He greeted, patting her shoulder. “How’s it going?”

“Fine.” She cleared her throat, just as Hakyeon looked inside the PR room.

“Shouldn’t you be in there, with Sanghyuk? Guiding him?” He sounded concerned.

“Yeah, I guess.” She looked inside as well. Sanghyuk was working hard as always, looking at the label of each box, and checking inside to see if everything was good. The delivery guy was still leaving some boxes on a table, and they seemed to be exchanging words. “It’s that guy again.”

“He keeps bothering you?” Hakyeon turned to her, worried. “I wish you would report him to Human Resources.”

“No, that’s such a mess. Besides, they would probably fire him if they decide to believe what I say about him.” She kept looking at Sanghyuk, not really wanting to face Hakyeon and his well-meaning concern.

“Um…” He looked at Sanghyuk as well, following her gaze. “How is Sanghyuk doing?”

“He’s great!” The expression on her face must have changed drastically, she could tell by the look on Hakyeon’s own face. “He’s really good at learning, and so organized. I adore him.”

“I can tell. You look smitten with him.”

“I’m afraid so.”

“You know you can’t-”

“I know, Hakyeon!” She replied, irritated. It’s not like she was going to try anything. “Don’t worry, I’m not thinking about doing anything about it.”

“Hey, Hyogi!” Hakyeon smiled brightly once Sanghyuk approached the exit.

“Hyung,” Sanghyuk looked embarrassed at the nickname, but still smiled softly. “What’s up?”

“She was telling me that you’re really hardworking. She likes you.”

She turned her head abruptly to glare at him. What the heck was he saying? What the heck was he going to say?

“Yeah…” Sanghyuk looked at her for a split second before turning his gaze back at Hakyeon. “Yeah, I really like it here.”

“Great!” Hakyeon smiled, knowingly. She wondered what was going through his head, wishing he would leave just in case he decided to say anything else. “I should get going now, I’ll see you at lunch.”

Hakyeon patted her shoulder again before walking away down the corridor. She sighed loudly, relieved.

“I guess I’m doing a good job if you like me.” Sanghyuk commented, casually.

“Yeah… Yeah, I mean… organizational skills are a turn on.” Those words came out of her mouth long before she could think about it, and she couldn’t help how hard she face-palmed herself.

“Really?” He looked surprised, raising an eyebrow, while he looked down at her.

“Yeah. Let’s get going now.” She started walking immediately so as not to face him, knowing very well she was blushing.

She promised Hakyeon not to do anything about her crush on Sanghyuk, somehow that task was more difficult than she thought it was going to be as time went by. It was weird because she never really asked a guy out. But now that she wanted to, she shouldn’t.

It was logical the company would have a policy against dating coworkers. It was to avoid harassment and any kind of abuse in power. But it was so hard to do it when Sanghyuk was just so cute and big.

It was particularly bad for her heart when one day she walked into her office after lunch, to find Sanghyuk wearing one of those sleeveless shirts that were so cut anyone could see his chest. He was bent over, looking for something inside his sports bag, and a lot of skin was showing through. He was all sweaty as well; he had been working out and she couldn’t help but gasp loudly at the whole picture as soon as she saw him.

“Sorry, boss,” He apologized, quickly grabbing a hoodie. “I was going to take a shower and change before you got back from lunch.”

“It’s alright.” Her voice was small and breathless, and she was holding her hand to her chest like she was about to have a heart attack.

“Are you feeling okay?” He asked, looking concerned, putting the hoodie aside as he got closer to her to check her out.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” She backed up, trying to put some distance. He looked confused, and she felt a little guilty for pulling away like that. “I just… I had a bad bagel for lunch.”

That seemed to be enough for him, since he nodded before grabbing his bag and his hoodie and leaving right after. She sighed loudly, covering her face.

It was embarrassing stuff like that startled her since she was a grown woman, but Sanghyuk had that effect on her, apparently. And she had even seen him with that shirt. He was no longer that adorable, suddenly.

Sanghyuk, on the other hand, didn’t actually seem that interested in her. Other than the fact that sometimes she was wearing a too tight skirt, he looked at her a little longer than usual. But then again, even Hakyeon did that. So many men around her did that, it certainly didn’t mean anything to her. Somehow, that created a barrier that made her feel safer. She had to get over her crush, since obviously, nothing was going to happen between them.

“So you think he doesn’t like you?” Taekwoon, Hakyeon’s boyfriend, asked her one night.

It was later that week, on friday. The three of them were having dinner after both her and Hakyeon left their work building. It’s been a while since she met up with both of them, and she really missed Taekwoon.

“He probably likes me as his boss,” She replied, almost bored, leaning her head on one hand. She took a bite of the apple crumble she asked for dessert before elaborating. “He’s always nice to me, but then again he’s nice to everyone. I’m happy with just getting along with him.”

“But you’d like to get a piece of that.”

She almost choked with a piece of apple when those words left Taekwoon’s mouth. His expression was completely deadpan, made him look completely serious when he said that, but the absurdity of those words were kind of funny. Hakyeon was sitting right next to him, and he looked at him with wide eyes, as he tried not to even smile.

“Are you really asking me that?” She wiped her mouth carefully, at the same time trying to hide her blushing face.

“I guess we already know the answer then.” Said Hakyeon, casually.

“I don’t- I mean-” She pursed her lips. Her face was positively on fire. “Yeah, I would.”

“Do you want help?” Hakyeon asked, completely serious.

“Yeah, I’d like help ordering another apple crumble.”

“No, dummy,” Hakyeon hit her gently on the arm. “Help with Hyogi.”

She blinked, until she realized what he was implying.

“No way. No fucking way.” She glared at him.

There’s no way Cha Hakyeon was meddling into this. He wasn’t so subtle in any way. He might even spoil the good, professional relationship she had with Sanghyuk.

“But I have good inside information, I could-”

“Don’t you fucking dare, Hakyeon!” She tried to keep her voice down, but certainly failed. “Didn’t you also say that he was my assistant and it was inappropriate?”

“That was before you fell in love with him.” He said, matter-of-factly. “I thought maybe you just wanted to sleep with him.”

Her face flushed harder than before.

“And I figured, after your last experience with younger men, maybe you wouldn’t fall this time…” His voice was small, like he didn’t know if he should be commenting on that.

She bit her lip. It’s true, her previous relationship was with a younger man, only three years younger, but turned out he was mentally ten years younger. And she had a hard time with all his partying and going out with other girls. She didn’t want to compare though. She didn’t really know Sanghyuk that much.

“I still don’t want you to butt in on this.”

She knew Hakyeon was not going to pay any attention to her and still will try to somehow help her with Sanghyuk. She really wished he didn’t.

When she was walking home, she passed by a couple of opened bars and restaurants. Luckily she lived near the work building, around eight blocks, so she never had to take the subway or anything. That area was also around the nightlife district, so it was always full of bars and little clubs, open until early in the morning.

She wasn’t really expecting to run into Sanghyuk right there.

He was coming out of a bar, with his phone on his hand, and the same bag he carried when he went to work every day. And still wearing the same clothes he wore that day earlier.

“Sanghyuk!”

He quickly turned, following the sound of her voice. He had to look down, and she almost blushed. The height difference was really one of her weaknesses.

“Boss,” He smiled brightly. She could melt right there.

“You don’t have to call me that, we are not at work anymore.” She smiled back at him, genuinely.

“Alright, noona.” He grinned, youthful.

Oh, no. This was bad.

“What are you doing here?” Sanghyuk asked, curious.

“I just had dinner with Hakyeon and his boyfriend.” She approached him a little more. The street was rather busy, and people were passing by in a rush.

“You know Taekwoon-hyung?” He looked surprised, for some reason.

“Yeah, of course, I met them both in college.” She eyed him, trying hard not to make it look like she was actually checking him out. Which she was. “How do you know him?”

“He goes to Hakyeon-hyung’ studio sometimes. They are rather gross.”

“Gross?” She laughed. She knew what he meant but still wanted the information.

“Yeah, Taekwoon-hyung is kinda shy, but Hakyeon-hyung isn’t, so there's a lot of PDA.” He pulled a face full of disgust. It was incredibly funny. And cute.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I take it as a comedy show every time I get to watch them be around each other.” She giggled. Hakyeon was really overbearing, and somehow Taekwoon fell in love with him, when he’s the exact opposite. Though she noticed Taekwoon started taking the certain qualities that had nothing to do with him at the beginning, like the clinginess. It was endearing.

“Yeah, it’s fun to watch them.” Sanghyuk agreed, mimicking her giggle.

“So what are you doing here?” She asked, starry-eyed.

“I work here.” He pointed to the bar he was just coming out from. “I only do it on Friday and Saturday nights though. Rather work at the magazine than here, to be honest.”

She tried not to sigh loudly.

“That’s great, glad you like working with me.”

He flashed her a smile. She almost gasped.

“Are you going somewhere?” He asked.

“Just home.”

“By yourself? Are you taking the subway? Or the train?”

She blinked at the amount of questions he was suddenly asking.

“No, I’m just walking there.” His eyebrows furrowed slightly, not the way he did it those last few times she saw him doing that, but just a little to make him look concerned. “It’s just some blocks away from here.”

“I’ll walk with you.” Sanghyuk looked completely serious. And she really liked that. But she wasn’t going to let him do something that was slightly inappropriate; she was his boss after all.

“It’s really okay, I walk home every night.”

He looked even more serious, if not pissed. She swallowed; she knew she was going to start blushing at any moment.

“I can walk you to your place, noona.” He wasn’t asking; it was a statement.

She swallowed again before nodding.

She couldn’t say no. Not after that. She was only human after all, and with his face, completely serious and slightly annoyed at the fact that she walked home alone every time, she wouldn’t turn him down.

“So you have two jobs,” She commented, once they started walking in her direction. Sanghyuk followed along, right by her side. “Do you have time to study?”

“I use every free time I have left for studying.” He replied, while making way for both of them among the crowd.

It was friday night after all, but with Sanghyuk, he was so tall and big, people moved to the side in a second. She was amazed.

“I used to work all weekend as well, but I just want to focus on finishing my major now, so I just work friday and saturday nights.”

“You never told me what you were majoring in.”

“Music.” He looked at her and smiled cheerfully. “I want to be a composer one day.”

Oh, that was cute again.

“You seem to be working hard for that,” She smiled back at him, sincerely. “I’m sure you are going to be a great composer.”

Sanghyuk beamed with complacency. Her heart skipped a beat.

Talking to him wasn’t any different than talking to Hakyeon or Taekwoon. She didn’t actually notice their age difference. He seemed mature for his age. Especially because of all the jobs he had and everything he studied, he didn’t seem the type of guy who went out to parties. He didn’t even seem to have time to have friends.

He asked her about her life later on. Which was uneventful, she didn’t really have much to comment on. She sometimes hung out with Hakyeon, sometimes with other friends from high school. She hadn't had a date in almost two years. She refused to. But she didn’t tell him that.

“This is where I live.” She signalled to the building that was across the street, about six blocks from where they met.

“I’ll walk you there.” He said without any sign of doubt.

“Okay.” Sanghyuk wasn’t looking at her, only focusing on checking if any car was coming from either side, and she was glad because her face was flushing.

They crossed the street, walking a few feets until they reached the building’s entrance. She turned to face him; he was looking at the building, checking it out, with his mouth half-opened. The building was slightly fancy, it looked very well kept, and might as well be new. Her income allowed her to pay for it, and she was content.

“Thank you for walking me here, Sanghyuk.” She smiled at him and bowed slightly, as a thank you.

“It’s alright,” He returned her smile, bowing as well. “I’ll see you on monday, noona.”

“Can you text me when you get home?” She asked, genuinely worried.

He blinked at her, taken aback. He was big and certainly didn’t seem like a child, but she was still worried. She didn’t exactly know where he lived.

“Sure.” He smiled once more, before waving and walking away, towards the same direction they came from.

She hid under the entrance, and watched him walk away. She couldn’t see past the driveway. Hopefully he lived nearby.

Around twenty minutes later, she got a text from Sanghyuk, telling her he got home safely, and saying he hoped to see her on monday. She sighed loudly, hoping to see him next week as well.

She told herself that night that it was really dumb to fall in love with her assistant; yet at the same time, she didn’t really care. She was letting herself fall, on purpose. It was probably the idea she had that maybe this guy wasn’t so bad. All her impressions of him were good. He didn’t seem to have anything bad going on. The only con was that he didn’t seem interested in a relationship.

Decided to not overthinking it anymore, she tried to rest the weekend, and just let things flow.

#vixx scenarios #vixx scenario #vixx imagines #vixx fanfic #vixx fanfiction #vixx hyuk #han sanghyuk #vixx #sanghyuk

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schrijverr · 4 years

Text

8 times Jonny refused a hug from a Mechanism + 1 time he got a group hug

This is just what it says on the tin. Jonny is not always in the best place mental health wise and isn’t willing to accept a hug, despite wanting one. When the others take note they try to help him.

(fun fact the working title was: Jonny just accept a hug, okay, you need it)

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: Jonny shoots himself in the head a few times and asks others to kill him, also alcoholism, allusion to past abuse and just general bad mental health. It is pretty hurt/comfort over all, but be safe out there and tell me if I missed anything!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Jonny had never been good at accepting nice things for himself such as human contact. His father had been a drunk and not a nice one at that and the places he usually hung out besides home were bars where any sign of weakness would mean a beating. After that he’d gotten his mechanism and all knew how unpleasant that had been.

All in all it was safe to say Jonny didn’t know how to react to positive contact other than with anger or violence, no matter how much he wanted it.

The crew of the Aurora wasn’t a touchy-feely bunch, but all had enough trauma to realize that a hug from time to time could go a long way and after a few millennia together you lose most of the shame or embarrassment.

So when Brian found Jonny slumped over the kitchen counter alone in the middle of the night surrounded by bottles of whiskey he walked up to him and put his hand gently on Jonnys shoulder with the intention of pulling him into a hug.

However, Jonny flinched at the contact and jerked back, snapping his head back and almost falling over when the alcohol in his bloodstream tried to catch up with the movement.

Once he had steadied himself, he gave Brian a bleary glare. Brian had taken a quick step back at the sudden and violent movement and raised his hands in a disarming manner. He said: “Whoa, calm down there, it’s just me.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Jonny slurred, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Just walking, it gets boring when everyone’s asleep.” Brian answered truthfully.

Jonny hummed as he looked him over, then he asked: “And why did you felt the need to attack me? As far as I can’t remember I didn’t do anything to you recently, the thing with screws was Tims fault.”

“What?” Brian replied utterly confused, “I wasn’t attacking you.”

“Then what the actual fuck were you doing?” Jonny asked him, unimpressed by the answer.

Brian answered: “I was planning on giving you a hug. You looked like you needed it, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Jonny snapped, “Just leave the fuck alone. I don’t need your pity.”

He started to walk away, stumbling over his own feet. Brian was honestly surprised he hadn’t died from alcohol poisoning with the amount of bottles on the counter, although it was highly probable that he had and just continued drinking after he’d gotten back.

Brian called after him: “It wasn’t pity, just concern.”

Jonny only flipped him off before disappearing out of sight, leaving Brian alone. Brian, or any of the of other Mechanisms for that matter, didn’t see him for a week after that, but he seemed his usual self when he returned, so Brian didn’t push him.

It happened again a while later, this time it was Ashes, who found him. They’d had a bit too many nightmares to go to sleep again and were looking for some sort of distraction (hug or alcohol, depending on what they would find first) when they saw a light on in the kitchen.

They sat down next to Jonny and asked: “Rough night?”

“You could say that.” Jonny chuckled, taking another swig. The past week everything had just been bad and he didn’t know why or how to explain it. He’d managed to hide it from everyone and be his bastard self during the day, but he hadn’t been sleeping instead he had spend every night like this, hoping no one would find him. Alas his luck had ran out.

Ashes gave him an understanding look that he didn’t like, so he just shoved an unopened bottle their way and returned his gaze to the bottom of his glass.

The Quartermaster opened the bottle and drank half in one go. It seemed like it would be both a hug and alcohol tonight. When they were done drinking, they set down the bottle and turned to Jonny. He’d had caught the movement out of the corner of his eye and turned to look at them. He frowned and asked: “What are you planning on doing? Cause I am not in the mood to die tonight.”

“You’re not going to die.” Ashes told him with an eyeroll, before grabbing his shoulders and pulling him into a hug.

They could feel him tense for a split second, then he melted. It didn’t last long, however, because the moment he had melted he tensed again and started wiggling and fighting. He grumbled: “Let me go, let me go, I said LET ME GO.”

At the final outburst Ashes did, they rubbed their ears and snapped: “Did you have to yell?”

“Did you have to hug me?” Jonny returned, he dusted off his clothes and gave them a glare, “What is it with you people and your hugs?”

“I’ve never hugged you before. Don’t accuse me.” Ashes shot back. They were tired and confused, but they did suddenly realize that they really hadn’t hugged Jonny before in all the time they’d known each other and they couldn’t think of who Jonny would be referring to.

They were snapped out of their musings when Jonny said: “Yes and I would like to keep it that way.” before stomping off.

Ashes sulked alone after that until Brian came past, taking a longer route on his midnight walk. Ashes didn’t mention Jonny or what happened, but they did accept the long hug and the offer to stay with them till the morning.

After that Jonny had decided that drinking alone in the kitchen wasn’t worth it if he kept being interrupted and hugged. He felt weird about the hugging. It made his heart do funny things and he hated it when his heart did, well anything really. So he started piling alcohol in his room and just hiding there instead, which meant it took some time before anyone found him again.

He hadn’t been drinking surprisingly enough, instead he’d retreated to one of the distant corners of the ship, far away from anyone else, and was shooting some crates in the vain hope that the banging sound and the feeling of the recoil would silence his mind for a moment.

What he hadn’t counted on was that Tim had been killed by Marius for hiding his violin and was coming to a couple of rooms away from where he was violently shooting the crates and raging at them.

Tim heard the screams and gunfire and first assumed there was a fight going on. He ran to it, before realizing that there was only one person screaming and it wasn’t a ‘fuck yeah’ scream, but a scream of anguish and loathing. Stopping in his tracks he listened more closely, until he had pinned down where it came from and who was screaming.

Then he slowly made his way over there. He stopped in the doorway and watched as Jonny emptied his gun in one of the crates, before kicking it and falling to his knees with a scream. There was more splintered wood of other ruined crates surrounding him and Tim was sure Jonny had bloodied hands from the wood cutting them open.

Jonny would be shooting the wall were it not for the fact that the Aurora would alert Nastya if such a thing were to happen, so destroying crates it was.

When Tim saw Jonny fumbling to reload his gun and turn his gaze to another crate, he made his presence known. With the small noise of a throat being cleared Jonny turned around with a snarl and shot Tim, but the gun just clicked since he hadn’t managed to reload it with his bloody and shaking hands.

He growled at the gun, before snapping: “Leave me alone, Tim. I have no time for your bullshit tonight, go bother someone else.”

“Hey, who says I’m here to bother you?” Tim asked indignantly.

Jonny gave him a look and told him: “You’re always bothering me.”

Tim shrugged that was pretty fair, then he said: “Well, I’m not here to bother you now.”

“Then what the fuck are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Jonny was sounding very annoyed right now.

“Marius killed me nearby, heard the noise. Just wanted to ask if you’re alright, maybe need a hug or something.” Tim replied.

“I’m fine, why does everyone keep asking me that. I just want everyone to leave me alone, I don’t need your bloody hugs, so fuck off.” Jonny screamed, snapping at the suggestion of him needing anything.

Tim set a step backwards in shock at the sudden outburst. He frowned and replied: “No need to be so aggressive.”, then he stomped off grumbling some more about unappreciative First Mates, leaving Jonny on the ground, still surrounded by the corpses of crates.

When Tim was gone his shoulders sagged, his heckles no longer raised. Something inside him crumbled at the thought that Tim hadn’t stayed, hadn’t insisted. He quickly pushed it down, he already felt shit enough there was no need to make it worse with this weird twisted feeling of longing.

He screamed again and attacked the next crate, it didn’t break, but Jonnys hand did. The scream of anger turned into one of pain and then that scream turned into sobs as Jonny fell to his knees again and just sat there as he cried.

Ivy stumbled upon him on accident. She had been reading a book while she was walking and hadn’t noticed the corpse until she tripped over it.

Turning around she saw it was Jonny, there was a hole in his head and a gun in his hand. There was a big blood splatter on the wall behind him and Ivy calculated that there was a 87% chance that he had killed himself a few times already. She decided that she would stay until he came back again to ask if he wanted a hug.

She only had wait a few minutes, before Jonny started to blink as he became aware again. He looked around and spotted her, immediately frowning and asking: “Why the fuck are you here?”

“Well, I tripped over you and waited for you to wake up, since there is a 99% chance you’re having a terrible day and a 97% chance a hug would make you feel a bit better.” Ivy told him, voice monotone.

The frown turned into a scowl with her facts and he spat out: “Well, seems like the 3% applies, so fuck off.”

Ivy shrugged and stood up to leave, if Jonny was sure he didn’t want a hug she wasn’t going to argue with him. She did turn around and saw his face. Hesitating she said: “There is a 67% you don’t actually want me to leave, so…”

He flipped her off and Ivy nodded before leaving, behind her she heard another gunshot. She sighed, but didn’t turn around, she had a book to read after all.

Looking up from really the most fascinating reaction of the octokittens, Raphaella spotted Jonny standing on the threshold of her lab. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a week and been on a bender as he stumbled the step into the lab, allowing the door to slide close behind him.

Raphaella put down her notebook and asked: “What are you doing here? I almost never see you here.”

Jonny shrugged and answered: “I feel like dying, a lot. Have any experiments you need help with?”

That was unusual, Raphaella thought, Jonny never wanted to take part in her experiments, murdering and fighting if he ever ended up in the position. No, Jonny hated her experiments, he would never volunteer to help her. She put this all in to words quite eloquently with a: “What?”

“Experiments.” Jonny said, “They’re your whole thing right? Experiments that end in death all the time. I want to die, you can help, what do you not understand?”

“Did someone put you up to this?” Raphaella asked, trying to put enough data together to make a hypothesis of why Jonny would be in her lab.

“No.” Jonny exclaimed with a frown, then he angrily added: “Why are you questioning me? You’re always begging for subjects, why do I suddenly not qualify?”

“You do. It’s just-” Raphaella began, “It’s just that you hate being here and you look like shit. I was just wondering why you suddenly decided to show up, that’s all.”

That only angered Jonny further and he said: “Well, maybe I’m here because I am feeling shitty, maybe that’s why I want to die today. Your big science brain ever think of that?”

“No need to get mean.” Raphaella told him with a pout.

The fight drained out of Jonny as his shoulders sagged and his eyes seemed to age eons. He suddenly seemed his immortal age. Looking back at her he said: “Sorry, just fucking kill me, okay.”

It was the sorry that made Raphaella feel icky. Sure, she had loads of experiments she needed help with from a willing immortal participant, but Jonny didn’t look like he was here for science and Raphaella knew that most of the crew just wanted a hug if they felt like that, but she also didn’t know how to bring that up with Jonny, so she just said: “I mean, if you’re sure…”

“I am.” Jonny told her, with, wait was that relief in his voice? Raphaella didn’t really know what to do with that data, so she just pulled out her least painful experiment and ushered Jonny to the table.

Once he was lying down he asked: “What are you going to do?”

She checked her chart and grinned at him, before explaining: “I am going to see how long it takes for this new acid I created to eat through your brain and kill you. I have ten prototypes I want to test, if that’s okay with you. It would be better if it was all the same test subject.”

“Go for it.” Jonny told her.

She grabbed the first vial and held it over his head, she hesitated for a moment and said: “If you’re just doing this to escape I can give you a hug instead and we can forget about all this.”

He glared at her and ripped the vial out of her hands, before pouring it over his face and screaming when the pain set in, distracting Raphaella enough to forget about her question.

The door swung open with a bang, startling Marius, who was practicing his violin parts. The sudden false and loud note he made when he jumped got Jonnys attention. He was just slamming the door open to get some aggression out, but he hadn’t anticipated on anyone being here.

Here being the practice room, where he had hidden a stash of alcohol just in case he couldn’t retreat to his room without running into anyone, but needed a drink. Something that had happened today, since he knew Brian was looking for him after his stunt on the bridge where he had thrown Brian down to blow of some steam (it hadn’t worked.)

He and Marius made eye contact silently for a second, before Marius smiled and with a chipper voice he asked: “Come to practice as well, Jonny?”

“No.” was all Jonny said, turning around to leave here as well. He had another stash near the engine room and he knew Nastya was too busy to notice him.

“Wait, wait don’t leave.” Marius called out, standing up.

Slowly Jonny turned around and spat out: “What!”

He was so sick of people wanting to talk to him when he hated the world and himself. He didn’t want their attention, he didn’t want their hugs, he just wanted to be alone and drink, destroy or die. Why did no one get that?

Marius tried to look disarming and said: “Nothing, just was lonely here, I hoped you’d like to join?”

“I don’t.” Jonny answered flatly.

“Why not? I don’t think you have anything better to do and I could use some news ears about this part I’ve written for a new song, maybe?” Marius replied.

Jonny hesitated, he could use a distraction right now, but Marius was also notorious for figuring out what was wrong with someone and manipulating them into talking about it, which he was not in the mood for.

He shot the self proclaimed Doctor a suspicious look, the man in question smiled at him and he decided what the hell, why not. So he shrugged: “Sure, whatever.”

“Great.” Marius exclaimed, starting to play something he had been toying with in his head, but wasn’t really anything concrete yet.

Marius was quite pleased with himself, when Jonny was smiling to himself a little and tapping along with the music as he made comments here and there. After an hour or so they’d fleshed out a small idea into a proper song.

“Thanks, Jonny.” Marius said, “I knew I could use your input. Feeling a bit better, too?”

Jonny had smiled at the first part, but that fell away when Marius asked the latter part. He glared at Marius and slowly asked: “Did you make this whole thing up just to make me feel better, Marius von Raum?”

Marius swallowed and partially lied: “No, I had that idea and you were the first I came across.”

He got a sharper glare and then he added: “But you were a bit aggressive, but not your normal aggressive, more your frustrated aggression, you know? Which is fine, but I thought you could use a distraction and I needed help, so win-win.”

“Well, I didn’t.” Jonny said.

That earned him a disbelieving look from Marius, who said: “We both know that’s a lie. Do you want to talk about what was bothering you?”

“You’re bothering me.”

“I am a great listener if you want to talk about it.” Marius insisted, then he added: “And I give great hugs.”

Jonny snapped, he didn’t know how many times he had told people this, but still they kept asking, so he yelled: “I don’t need a hug, I don’t want a hug, okay. I’m not some child that needs comforting, because it thinks there’s a monster in the closet. I am fine, I don’t need to talk. Stop asking me if I want a fucking hug.”

“Needing a hug is not just something for children, you know. It’s proven that hugging and other positive contact from fellow living beings, mostly humanoid ones, has many beneficial effects on mental and physical health.” Marius said, trying to gently tell Jonny it was okay to be vulnerable and to need help from time to time.

It didn’t work. Jonny walked away, but not before saying: “You’re not even a real Doctor.”

Marius looked at the closed door for some time after that. He didn’t know what to do with that reaction. Jonny probably didn’t want to talk about it and he would murder Marius if he found out he talked about his analogies of him with another crew member, but it also wasn’t a healthy reaction and Marius just wanted to help.

He looked at the closed door again and decided to think about it before restarting a conversation, maybe when Jonny wasn’t in such a bad place for example.

Back when it was just them, Nastya and Jonny huddled up many times while they hid in the engine room, hoping that this time they wouldn’t be found, wouldn’t be taken. So when she entered the engine room in the middle of the night and saw Jonny there, it wasn’t hard to put together why.

He didn’t look like his normal self, the makeup around his eyes was gone, he had only one belt around his waist (his sleep belt) and he was shaking. She sat down next to him, but when she raised her arm to put around him in a comforting manner he flinched back.

She stopped, her arm still in midair and gently asked: “Jonny, what’s wrong?”

Jonny gave her a guilty look and, like it hurt him to speak the words, he chocked out: “I- I can- can’t.”

He tried to make her understand with his eyes, but Nastya didn’t understand. She had always held on tight to him, but he had clung to her just as much. Did Jonny not want a hug? Why would he not want a hug? He was upset, wasn’t he? Did she do something wrong? Did she do something to upset him? She couldn’t think of anyone and just frowned at him in confusion as she carefully asked: “Do you- do you not want a hug?”

It was as if someone had taken a weight of his shoulder as he nodded. He saw that her face fell at that and he quickly said: “It’s not- I, ugh, I can’t- I do want one, but I can’t, not now.”

That didn’t make a lot of sense to Nastya. Jonny wouldn’t have come here if he didn’t want to be comforted at some level, but the only way Nastya knew how to comfort him was with a hug, but he didn’t want, no he couldn’t get one? Yeah, Nastya was confused.

She asked: “What do- No, uhm, what can you do? And want, but, you know?”

“Share a pillow?” he said like a question while gesturing to her pillow pile.

Nastya nodded, she could do that. In the end they both laid on one side of the pillow, only their heads next to each other. Neither looked at the other, both just staring at the ceiling in thought. After a while Jonny murmured: “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” Nastya answered, turning her head enough to give him a smile.

She fell asleep and never figured out if Jonny did too, because when she woke up he was gone and she didn’t run into him later.

Jonny was avoiding her.

Jonny was still avoiding Nastya when it happened again. He felt guilty about turning Nastya down, but he just couldn't allow himself to be hugged. He’d stopped hugging people the moment the bitch had “fallen” out of the airlock and he didn’t need to comfort anyone after she’d been done with them anymore.

It wasn’t that his body didn’t ache at every offer turned down, it was just that he couldn’t.

He couldn’t.

There was just no other way to explain it. The only positive contact he’d had, had either turned negative leaving him more broken or he hadn’t been the focus point. He could handle comforting others, but letting himself be hugged was just too much for Jonny. He didn’t deserve it and it was just too much.

Because of all this guilt and inner turmoil he was sitting at the observation deck. Hardly anyone ever came here and he needed to be alone for a moment. Alone with no gun and no alcohol.

The stars drifted past him as he allowed himself to get swallowed by the swirling pit of despair that grew inside his gut.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of footsteps coming his way. He whipped his head around to check if it wasn’t Nastya and was instead met with The Toy Soldier along with Brian. When they saw him The Toy Soldier waved and cheerily called out: “How’s It Going, Good Man.”

Jonny huffed and ignored it, turning back to the stars and hugging his knees to his chest. He knew that he probably looked pretty pathetic, but he didn’t care what The Toy Soldier thought of him and he knew Brian was either nice and would be considerate or not and wouldn’t care.

The Toy Soldier turned to Brian and asked: “Is He Alright? Why Is He Not Responding?”

“I think he’s upset.” Brian said, like Jonny wasn’t right there. He would’ve snapped at him, if he wasn’t too exhausted.

“Oh, I Can Fix That.” The Toy Soldier exclaimed and before anyone could react it had ran forwards and enveloped Jonny in a big hug.

In the background Jonny could hear Brian call out that that might not be a great idea, but he was more focused on the wooden arms around him. They weren’t comfortable by any means, but The Toy Soldier seemed so genuine that it cracked something inside Jonnys chest.

He needed them off of him.

Now.

He tensed and blindly grabbed it and threw it across the observation deck. It wasn’t heavy, all made off wood, so it flew easy through the space and landed with a dull thud.

Not deterred by the sudden attack it stood back up with a smile and turned back to Jonny before it advanced again. Jonny scrambled up and ran away, but The Toy Soldier set chase.

Jonny hoped Brian was on nice mode, and from what he had heard the other probably was, as he hid behind him, using him as shield against The Toy Soldier.

Brian tried to stop it, but it wasn’t listening. Instead there was now a game of who can walk around Brian in such away that the other can’t reach him. When the game started to make Jonny dizzy he fell back on his last resort and said: “I order you not to hug me or catch me.”

It stopped in its tracks and its smile turned into a frown as he asked: “Why Do You Not Want Me To Hug You? Am I Not A Good Hugger?”

“I’m sure, Jonny didn’t mean it that way.” Brian tried to comfort it, but it wouldn’t listen. Instead it cried: “Tell Me, Ol’ Chap, How Can I Improve?”

“I don’t want you to improve, shit head.” Jonny spat back, “I want you to leave me the fuck alone!”

“Why?” it asked, “You Are Upset, Do You Not Want Help Or Comfort When You are Upset?”

“Maybe I just don’t want help from you.” Jonny told it viscously, heckles raised, before he stomped away.

The Toy Soldier was near tears as it turned to Brian and asked what it had done wrong. Brian put a comforting hand on its shoulder and said: “You did nothing wrong, Toy Soldier. Jonny just isn’t the hugging type.”

The Toy Soldier sniffled: “But Ivy Told Me That There Is A High Chance An Upset Crew Member Would Like A Hug And Marius Told Me Hugging Was Good For People.”

Brian thought about that, he looked over to where Jonny had disappeared. Then he seemed to realize something and he explained: “Some people find it hard to accept nice things, I’m sure Marius knows more about it than I do, why don’t you go ask him, okay?”

“I Will.” it said with a salute, clearly a lot more cheery than it had been a second ago, “Thank You, Brian.”

Then it skipped off.

+1.

“Good, Doctor Marius, I Was Looking For You.” The Toy Soldier exclaimed as it entered the common lounge area.

The entire crew, save Brian and Jonny, was there since it was Knife Monopoly night, which was not something anyone wanted to miss. Marius looked up from where he was setting up the board and said: “Hi, Toy Soldier. What can I do for you?”

“I Have A Question.” it said.

“Ask away.”

“Why Do Some People Not Accept Nice Things When They’re Upset?”

Marius stopped what he was doing and asked: “What brought this on?”

“Well,” The Toy Soldier began to explain, “I Came Across Captain Jonny And He Was Upset, But When I Tried To Hug Him, He Got Even More Upset And Ordered Me To Stop. I Did Not Know Why He Did That, But Brian Explained That Some People Find It Hard To Accept Nice Things And That I Should Ask You If I Wanted To Know More.”

“He ordered you to stop?” asked Tim.

The Toy Soldier nodded and all frowned. It wasn’t exactly uncommon for someone to order The Toy Soldier around, but they tended to avoid it if possible out of common courtesy, most knew how shit it was to have to do something without wanting to.

“So Why Does He Not Want My Hug?” The Toy Soldier asked.

“It’s nothing personal, TS.” Tim said, “He didn’t want a hug from me either.”

“He refused my hug as well.” Ivy told it.

“Wait.” Marius said, “He also didn’t want me to hug him and got quite mad when I mentioned trying to make him feel better. Did any of you hug him, recently or anytime?”

It fell silent as all thought about it, in the end it was Nastya, who spoke up first: “I don’t think I can really remember the last time I hugged Jonny. He was upset a few days ago, but he didn’t want a hug then, well. Uhm. He said he wanted to, but he couldn’t.”

“That idiot.” said Ashes, after all the others also confirmed that Jonny hadn’t wanted a hug from them either.

Ivy said: “There is a 96% chance, Jonny is letting personal issues get in the way of accepting positive contact despite wanting them.”

“As a Doctor.” Marius began, getting cut off by multiple that he wasn’t a Doctor, which he waved away before he went on: “As a Doctor, I prescribe Jonny a hug, a group hug. Anyone want to help administer the medicine?”

That got some cheers, just as Brian walked in. With apprehension he asked: “What are we cheering about?”

“We’re giving Jonny a group hug when he comes.” Tim grinned.

“Where were you, by the way.” Ashes asked.

“Oh, I was trying to find Jonny after his run in with The Toy Soldier.” Brian said, “No luck, but I’m sure he wouldn’t miss Knife Monopoly.”

“We have to make a plan.” Marius called the attention of everyone as they set to work making a plan.

While they were planning getting Jonny so far to accept a group hug, Jonny got out of his hiding place, cautiously checking if Brian was still there.

Jonny was not having a good day. He’d already not been having a good day, but that not good day had only gotten worse after his run in with Brian and The Toy Soldier.

He felt guilty about he had reacted, which came on top of the turmoil he was already feeling inside. He was honestly considering skipping Knife Monopoly night, so he wouldn’t have to face it or Nastya. He didn’t want to deal with questions and then the others would get on his case as well, but not showing up would mean the same. Jonny never missed Knife Monopoly, he had to beat Tim and Ashes in their ongoing tournament after all.

Which was how he found himself walking towards the common lounge area.

When he arrived he stopped in the doorway for a moment, it seemed he was the last one there and going off the looks on the others faces they were planning something. He turned around, deciding he didn’t want to deal with this anyway, but before he could a voice called out: “Jonny! You’re here, great. We were waiting for you.”

“Marius.” Jonny greeted him, gritting his teeth and turning back around again.

He set one careful step into the room, eying them all, he did not like the energy in the room. The others just stared at him until he had sat down. Clearing his throat uncomfortably, he asked: “Something wrong?”

“You tell us.” Marius replied.

“God fucking dammit, Marius, I don’t need your psychoanalyzing today. I just want to know why you’re all staring at me like I’m going to collapse into a pile of dust if you breathe too hard.” he snapped.

They had at least the manners to look a bit guilty. Marius tried to reassure him a bit and gently said: “We’re just worried about you, Jonny.”

Jonny groaned: “What is it with you people? We kill and fight each other for fun, now all of a sudden you’ve turned into grandmas or something.”

“And this is exactly why we’re worried.” Marius told him.

“Why? Just why?” Jonny asked, exasperated.

“Well,” Marius began to explain, “we are a violent bunch, but sometimes violence is not the answer.” that earned him a disbelieving snort from Jonny, which he ignored, “Sometimes you just need to talk and a hug.”

“I do that.” Jonny lied, sounding petulant.

“That’s the thing, Jonny.” Marius said, “You don’t.”

Jonny swallowed heavily and started to look for a way out, already regretting sitting down. He noticed that the others had subtly moved to block all the exits and cursed mentally. They’d planned this, he knew something was up and he had walked straight into their trap.

They had all decided that Marius would be the best to talk to Jonny, so he went on: “We pooled all our knowledge together and came to the conclusion that none of us remember hugging you, definitely not recently. However, we all do remember you getting mad at the offer of a hug.”

“And what made you all decide that talking about me and my hugging was a good conversation topic.” Jonny grumbled, ignoring what Marius had said.

Marius took it is stride and explained: “The Toy Soldier wanted to know why you didn’t want a hug and one thing lead to another and then suddenly we all realized that you weren’t getting enough hugs.”

“I am getting enough hugs for me.” Jonny mumbled.

“So,” Marius went on, “we decided we wanted to know what’s wrong. Why don’t you want a hug?”

Jonny cursed the fact that he didn’t have his gun with him, he had tried to turn Knife Monopoly into Gun Monopoly once and now guns were banned at Knife Monopoly nights, so he wouldn’t be able to fight his way out the room without getting caught.

He hugged his knees to his chest and said: “I don’t want a fucking hug. Is that so hard to grasp? I don’t want it and I would like for you all to stop offering it.”

“Why?” Nastya couldn’t help, but let the question slip out her mouth as she remembered the pain-twisted expression on his face as he tried to tell her how he wanted it, but couldn’t.

It was silent while everyone looked at Jonny, who tried to come up with a good answer. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, gaping like fish then he gestured vaguely and said: “I- I can’t.”

“You already said that, but why can’t you?” Nastya pressed him.

Jonny ducked back into himself and softly admitted: “I don’t think I can handle it if it turns bad.”

“You think we’re going to see this as a moment of weakness and use it against you, Jonny?” Tim asked with a frown, he knew all were a not so nice bunch, but none of them would ever use something like that against someone.

“Jonny?” Tim asked again after the First Mate stayed silent and didn’t dare to meet their eyes.

Jonny swallowed and shrugged. He didn’t like admitting it, but he was too tired to protest. The not sleeping to avoid nightmares, along with the possibility Nastya finding him, piling up with on top of that the emotional exhaustion, which had come from the bad feeling that had built up inside his chest, had completely exhausted him.

He said with a tiny voice: “I know, you’re not going to, logically I know that, but the thought that it could, that you suddenly decide I’m not worth it, it’s scary. Or you do think that and that’s just too much pressure. I don’t know how to be worthy of that.”

The words just tumbled out and he couldn’t stop them, by the time he was done there were tears rolling down his face and he was sniffling softly.

Ever so slowly Marius put his hand on Jonnys shoulder. Jonny stiffened, but relaxed when the hand did nothing but lay there. Marius said: “I’m going to tell you something and you’re going to listen to me and then if you still don’t want a hug we will respect that, but otherwise you’re getting the best hug of your life. That okay?”

Jonny nodded wordlessly and Marius praised: “Good.” then he continued: “We are a lot of things, violent and bastards, but we will never turn a hug against you, I can promise you that.”

Positive sounds of agreement went through the room.

“Sometimes a hug is good, we’ve all gotten one and we’ve all given one, nothing is ever brought up, no matter how angry or upset someone is. Some things are sacred and here on the Aurora safely hugging someone is. Do you understand that?” Marius asked.

It was quiet for a moment, then barely visible Jonny nodded. All smiled with relief and Marius moved on to his next point: “Secondly, we do think you worth it, no matter what you do. Everyone does shit and everyone is an asshole sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we don’t get to care about each other. You’d have to do a lot before any of us will abandon you and I don’t see that happening.”

“But what if I accidentally do mess up?” Jonny asked, his voice small.

“Then we’re first going to talk to you about it, we’re not suddenly going to drop you without explanation.” Brian jumped into the conversation.

Others nodded and with a nod from Marius, Nastya asked the question: “Jonny, be honest, it’s okay if you won’t, but do you want a hug right now and can we give you one?”

Jonny looked around the room with wet eyes, on each face he was met by there was a gentle open smile and eyes filled with encouragement. It was quiet as they all waited for his answer, the moment of truth.

Biting his lip he carefully and hesitantly said: “…Yes?”

“Are you sure?” Brain asked him.

He took a deep breath and nodded, this time firmly. He let go of his knees and allowed the others to hug him.

It took a bit of maneuvering, but in the end Jonny was sitting on Ashes lap, their hands around his waist as they held him steady. Hugging him from behind was Raphaella, who used her wings to encompass everyone. On his right side was Nastya and on his left was Tim, while The Toy Soldier sat on the ground in front of him with its head in his lap. Marius and Brian hugged around Nastya and Tim respectively and Ivy was sat next to The Toy Soldier, using his leg more as a backrest than anything else.

There in the middle of the pile of limbs and warmth, Jonny allowed himself to smile and relax as he melted into the giant hug. It didn’t take long for the exhaustion of the past few days to catch up to him and for him to fall asleep.

No one dared to move while Jonny finally rested with such a peaceful look on his face, so they all stayed silent as they got more comfortable. Knife Monopoly could wait, tonight they were holding a slumber party.

No, Jonny had never been good at accepting nice things for himself, especially stuff like a hug. And, no, the crew of the Aurora had never been a touchy-feely bunch.

But Jonny could learn and the crew was willing to make exceptions.

#RR writing #tw: alcholism #tw: allusions to abuse #tw: bad mental health #tw: suicidal thought #just check the warnings please #the mechanisms #the mechs #jonny d'ville #drumbot brian #ashes o'reilly #gunpowder tim #ivy alexandria #raphaella la cognizi #marius von raum #baron marius von raum #nastya rasputina #the toy soldier

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