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hero-deserves-to-be-happy · 5 months

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When Sun Shines Again Chapter 4: "To Lead A Better Life:" Part 3

⛅CHAPTER 4⛅ "To Lead A Better Life" Part 3

Chapter Description: When Hero visits Basil one last time before returning to college for the fall semester, Basil gives him a letter that forces him to confront bittersweet memories, painful truths, and the complicated feelings that Hero had tried so hard to bury.

This Chapter is Hero & Basil's Friendship-Centric.

Chapter Word Count: 6700. Link to Chapter 4 on AO3.

Description (for the entire work): When tragedy struck, Hero lost not only his dearest friend but also his dreams for the future. Even years later, Hero doesn't know what his "forever" looks like without Mari in it, but somehow he finds the strength to carry on and build a new life for himself. With his family and friends both old and new by his side, Hero struggles through life's ups and downs--the joys and sorrows he faces in a world without Mari. In the beginning, he's only looking to survive it all, but somewhere along the way, he might find a purpose, a reason he's still here. Maybe there really is a way he can learn to be happy again, and maybe, just maybe, when he's least expecting it, he might even find himself slowly opening his heart to love again--he might even find himself believing that even the darkest, stormiest of times will eventually pass and the sun will shine again.

A Hero-Centric story spanning 15 years of his life post-good end. Focuses on Hero finding healing & building a life for himself after the loss of Mari. Eventually includes him learning to love again after an extremely slow burn. All pairings are tagged upfront. Rated T for heavy themes & some language. Reading the prequel is recommended.

⛅Tags For The Story As A Whole (So A Lot Of These Are "Eventual" Tags):

Romantic Relationships: Main Ships: (Past) Hero/Mari and (Eventual) Hero/OC. Side Ships: Brandi/OC and a brief mention of Mikhael/Bebe are the only side ships involving canon characters.

Platonic Relationships: Hero & Brandi Friendship, Hero & Original Characters Friendship. Some Hero & Kel Siblings Relationship & Brotherly Friendship. Hero & Aubrey Friendship. Hero & Basil Friendship. Hero & Sunny Friendship. Hero & His Family.

Characters: Major Canon Characters: Hero (POV Character), Brandi [Intimidating Girl], Mari and Mari's Memory, & Kel. Major Original Characters (Hero's college friends): Kyle, C.J., Zoey, Tamra, and Lorraine. Other Included Canon Characters: Sunny, Basil, Aubrey, Sally, Hero's Parents, Bebe (Short Haired Girl/Fountain Girl) & Mikhael (The Maverick).

Genre: Hero-Centric Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Slice of Life, College Life, Lost Love, Finding Love Again, Finding Healing After Grief, Slow Burn, Developing Friendship, Developing Relationship, Greiving, Catharsis, Heart-To-Heart Chats, Hopeful/Happy Ending, Post-Good Ending, Hero Needs A Hug, Hero Deserves To Be Happy

Rating: T for some heavy themes and thematic elements (i.e. grief & healing from grief and trauma. Implied/Referenced Canonical Character Death & Implied/Referenced Mental Health Issues including depression & suicide. Mentions of Underage Drinking & Partying). Some language.

Warnings: Major Spoilers for OMORI! Heavy themes and thematic elements (i.e. grief & healing from grief and trauma. Implied/Referenced Canonical Character Death & Implied/Referenced Mental Health Issues including depression & suicide. Mentions of Underage Drinking & Partying). Some Language.

Link to Entire work on AO3.

⛅ Link to the "When Sun Shines Again" Masterlist. ⛅

Full chapter text below the cut. Thank you for reading! ⛅

“Do you have any sevens?” asked Kel.

Twisting her mouth to one side, Aubrey frowned at her cards, but she shrugged her shoulders. “No. Go fish.”

Curiously, Hero glanced down at his own hand, then at a nearby clock on the wall. They had been playing Go Fish for nearly an hour, and Hero couldn’t for the life of him understand how no one had managed to win yet. Even thinking back on the many rounds of Go Fish he and his friends had played in their youth, he couldn’t remember a game that lasted more than half an hour, at the most, but it seemed that ever since they had started playing cards with Basil whenever they visited him in the hospital the games were growing longer and longer.

Hero wondered if that was on purpose—if his companions were somehow purposely dragging the games out so they would have something to do, something to keep Basil distracted so he wouldn’t start crying again. After all, their first couple of visits had mostly consisted of Basil weeping in tearful apologies, and Hero was certain he was not the only one who wanted to avoid that going forward.

Something ached in Hero’s chest whenever he thought of how emotional things had been in the beginning—how fragile Basil had been and that heartbreaking look on his face like he was always on the verge of tears. If Hero was being honest, it scared him, and though it made him feel overwhelmingly guilty to admit it, somehow he couldn’t help but wonder if that’s what his family had seen every time they had looked at him after Mari had died: a shaking, shivering shell of a person they had once known and loved. It was painful to watch, and as much as his heart ached seeing Basil suffer, he could only imagine that his family had suffered even more in watching Hero, himself, suffer in the same way. Knowing he had put his family through that… It was nearly enough to make Hero not want to get out of bed in the morning.

There was something surreal in being on this side of it all. Even having gone through a similar period of deep depression himself—even knowing firsthand how painful and hopeless that darkness and numbness could be, Hero felt completely helpless when it came to Basil and his suffering. He had no idea what to do—if there was even anything he could do to make Basil feel better. This feeling of helplessness coupled with the sickening, twisting feeling in his gut whenever Basil burst into tears at the mere sight of him had given Hero a new and incredibly painful appreciation for Kel and what his brother must have been through these last couple of years stuck on the periphery of his loved ones’ collapsing world. But maybe that was Kel’s strength. He could be so supportive and attentive to the needs of the other people around him, and he just had this way of knowing what might help someone, even someone at their lowest, feel better. It had been his idea to start playing cards to cheer up Basil, after all.

After a long and ongoing debate about whether or not the three of them should just stop visiting Basil altogether, Hero, Kel, and Aubrey had sat down with Polly to discuss whether or not their visits were actually helpful or were just hindering Basil’s recovery, which, Hero knew, was the last thing any of them wanted. When Polly had told them that she thought that it would be much more hurtful to Basil if his friends never came around, Kel had suggested that they try to think of activities to do when they visited so Basil would be too busy to think about being sad.

It turned out Kel was right. They soon found that their visits with Basil at the hospital went much more smoothly if they all did an activity together—sometimes a puzzle, other times arts and crafts. They quickly settled into playing board games or, more frequently, cards just like they used to when they were kids.

As time went on, Basil seemed much happier, especially when he was distracted. The color slowly returned to his face. He started tending some flowers in the hospital’s garden and even started taking some photos again. Most promising of all, the last time they had visited, Hero saw Basil laugh for the first time in possibly years at a silly joke Kel had told them about a pirate’s pet parrot of all things. It was good to see Basil beginning to heal and come back to his old self again. Still, they didn’t want to undo any progress so they kept playing infinite games of cards which, if Hero had to guess, they probably did drag out on purpose, at least on a subconscious level.

“Are you sure you don’t have any sevens?” asked Kel, pulling Hero out of his thoughts. His brow furrowed as he glanced over at Aubrey with narrowed eyes.

“No,” she huffed, growing more exasperated. “I don’t have any sevens, Kel.”

“I—I have sevens,” sniffled Basil “You—you can have my sevens…”

“Sweet!” exclaimed Kel, reaching across the table to take Basil’s cards, but Hero gently stopped him with a pat on the arm.

“Kel, that’s not fair. You can ask Basil for sevens on your next turn.”

Basil sniffled again, pulling his sweater tightly around his shoulders. “It…It’s okay. I don’t mind. Kel can—”

“You’re ruining the game!” Aubrey interrupted with a huff. “It’s just Go Fish. There’s no reason to get so competitive about it!”

“Competitive?” Kel repeated so loudly that Basil practically jumped. “If anyone’s getting competitive, it’s you!”

As Kel and Aubrey began to bicker, Hero looked over at Basil with a certain concern in his eyes. Hero had always known that Basil was almost as conflict avoidant as him, and it was obvious from the way he cowered at Kel and Aubrey’s bickering—twisting his hands and biting his lip—that he would give just about anything for this fight to be over, including an entire hand full of sevens, if he’d had them. If Hero was being honest, he felt the same way.

“C-c’mon now,” Hero gently interrupted, trying to keep the peace “This is just supposed to be fun. We’re here to visit Basil and spend time with him. There’s no reason to start fighting.”

Kel and Aubrey stopped—each letting out a heavy sigh as they stared down at their hands of cards. “Hero’s right,” said Kel “Who cares about this stupid card game—we’re just happy to see you Basil. We can even do something else if you want.”

Basil’s eyes widened, but a smile twitched in the corners of his mouth. “I don’t care what we do—I’m just glad you’re here. It’s really good to see you guys.” Basil paused and sighed. “It gets…kind of lonely here sometimes.”

Something ached in Hero’s chest, and his expression softened. He couldn’t help but feel sorry for Basil all alone in the hospital far away from his family and friends. Even if he knew it was the best thing for him and was glad that he was getting the help that he needed, it made Hero sad to think that Basil was going through such a difficult time alone.

Hero sighed. He supposed Basil had been suffering alone for a very, very long time, and regardless of the complicated feelings that Hero himself may have been feeling towards Basil and everything that had happened, it was more important to him that Basil wouldn’t have to suffer by himself anymore—that he would never have to suffer by himself again.

He supposed Aubrey had eventually realized she felt this way too. It wasn’t long after their conversation about Basil and her complicated feelings towards him a couple of weeks ago that Aubrey had started visiting Basil again. She had never talked to Hero about it, but he could only assume that, like him, ultimately the love, friendship, and concern she had for Basil far outweighed her own hurts and feelings.

It meant a lot to Hero to see Aubrey offer Basil forgiveness, even when it was hard, and he knew how much it meant to Basil that she was there for him—that they were all there for him, even after everything that had happened. These days, it felt like the only person who hadn’t forgiven Basil was Basil himself, but Hero knew that would be the hardest part of all.

“Don’t worry, Basil,” Kel reassured him, patting his arm. “I’m sure you’ll get to come home really soon.”

Basil bit his lip but nodded as he quietly admitted, “I hope so…I uh…I’ve been really worried…about my flowers.”

“Oh you don’t have to worry about those. Hero has been taking care of them for you!” Kel beamed at Basil, giving him a pat on the back.

Basil’s eyes widened, but his hands began to tremble as he turned towards Hero. “Oh…you didn’t have to do that.”

“It’s no trouble at all,” Hero gently insisted with a slight smile. “Your house is on my way home from the pool, so I stop by on my way home from work. It barely takes any time at all, and it’s nice to have a hobby. Besides, Polly has been doing most of the work.”

“Aubrey and I have been helping out too,” added Kel. “But we’re not as good at gardening as you or Hero.”

Basil cleared his throat. “Well, thank you—all of you. I really appreciate it. I just…” He paused, biting his lip and staring at his twisting hands. “I just…hope it’s not ruining your summer or taking up too much of your time.”

Aubrey, Kel and Hero quickly glanced at each other with somewhat awkward smiles—silently agreeing not to tell Basil that this had probably been one of the worst summers of their entire lives even without having to look after his garden for him. Hero had spent most of it working long hours at the community pool, cleaning his house, tending Basil’s garden, going for runs around the neighborhood, and desperately looking for anything else that would take his mind off of things. He craved being busy, but more than that he craved a distraction from his crumbling world. Sunny had moved. Basil was in the hospital. Kel and Aubrey were struggling. Everything in Hero’s life seemed to fall apart again this summer—collapsing under the weight of the truth. He could only imagine that Aubrey and Kel felt the same way. They couldn’t wait for this summer to finally be over…but they could never say that to Basil who stared up at them with frightened but hopeful eyes.

“How—how are you all doing?” Basil stumbled, in what Hero could only guess was a desperate attempt to fill the silence. “Is there…anything new and exciting in Faraway Town?”

Hero wracked his brain, but he couldn’t think of even one piece of good news to tell Basil. From the look on Aubrey’s face, it seemed she couldn’t think of one either. They both turned to Kel, who twisted his mouth to one side—his brow furrowing thoughtfully as if he, too, was scrounging to think of something positive to say.

“Uhhh… Hero got a postcard all the way from Venice, Italy.”

“Well…that’s pretty cool” said Basil with a slight smile.

Hero shrugged his shoulders. He supposed it was kind of sad that the most exciting thing that had happened all summer was that he had gotten a postcard from Italy, but his family, Kel especially, had been very fascinated by it. They had never gotten something in the mail from somewhere so far away before.

“It was really cool!” exclaimed Kel “It had a bridge on it.”

“Who was it from?” asked Basil.

“My friend from college, Kyle, sent it to me while his family was on vacation there,” said Hero. “It has the Bridge of Sighs on it. Kyle said he always buys postcards with bridges on them because one of his best friends is a civil engineering major and wants to build bridges someday. He gets her postcards of local bridges from all of his vacation destinations, but he had an extra one this time so he sent it to me.”

Basil smiled. “That was really nice of him. I think my parents went to Venice once. I saw pictures of it, and it was really pretty. I’ve always wanted to go someday”

“Then you should!” interjected Kel “We should all go. Someday when you get out of this place and we’re all grown up and stuff, we should all go to Venice—and then we can ride on those cool boats they have there!”

“They’re called gondolas, Kel,” Aubrey corrected with a huff.

Kel rolled his eyes, but he beamed at Basil. “Sunny can come too. It’ll be an adventure!”

Aubrey sighed. “It’ll be years before we’ll be able to go to Venice, Kel. We might not ever be able to go there.”

“Well…” said Kel. “In the meantime, maybe Hero can bring his postcard to show Basil the next time we come to visit.”

“Oh wow!” Basil’s face seemed to light up as he smiled at his friends. “I’d love to see it.”

With a shrug of his shoulders, Hero tilted his head and gave Basil a bittersweet smile. “I’d love to show you my postcard, Basil. I’m sorry I didn’t bring it. I didn’t know that you wanted to see it. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be able to come visit you again because I have to go back to college next week.”

Basil’s face fell, but Hero could tell he tried his best to smile at him. “That’s okay” he said. “The doctor doesn’t think I’ll have to stay in the hospital for too much longer anyway. He hopes I’ll get to go home by the time school starts again.”

“That’s awesome Basil!” exclaimed Kel, and Aubrey nodded in agreement.

“I’m so happy to hear that,” said Hero. “I’m sure Kel and Aubrey will take really good care of you and help you get settled back in when school starts.”

“Yeah,” agreed Kel “And if anyone gives you weird looks or something, Aubrey will just beat them up with her nail bat.”

“Kel!” huffed Aubrey.

Before anybody could say anything more, however, the nurse came by to tell them that visiting hours were almost over and that they would have to leave soon. Aubrey and Kel both got up from the table to go to the bathroom before their long drive back to Faraway Town, leaving Hero and Basil alone.

“Are you excited—to be going back to college?” asked Basil.

Hero bit his lip. The honest answer was yes. In fact, he had never been happier to go back to anywhere in his entire life—though he supposed that wasn’t an entirely fair statement. It wasn’t going back to college that Hero was looking forward to—it was the idea of this long, horrible summer finally being over.

He didn’t want to upset Basil by telling him that, however, so he merely shrugged with half a smile and said “A little. It’ll be hard to leave my family again but…I missed school and my friends in the city. Plus, I made plans to see Sunny”

“Really?” asked Basil.

“Yeah. I called him last week and asked if I could take him to one of my favorite coffee places near campus. It’ll be nice to see him again and see how he’s settling in after the move.”

Basil’s expression softened, and he smiled. “I’m so glad to hear that. I’m sure it will mean a lot to Sunny that you want to visit him.” He paused, fumbling around for something in the pocket of his sweater. “That reminds me, I have a letter for Sunny. Do you think you could give it to him for me?”

Hero nodded. “Of course”

“I have one for you too,” Basil continued, handing Hero two envelopes. They were both heavy and lumpy like two small packages rather than letters. Whatever letters were inside must be several pages long.

Hero swallowed hard—trying his best to calm himself with a deep breath. He could only imagine what his letter said, but the truth was, he didn’t want to imagine it. He wasn’t sure he even wanted to read it.

For the entire summer, Hero had been trying his absolute best not to think about what Basil had done. He hadn’t lied to Aubrey when he told her he wasn’t angry with Basil, but he knew there were still complicated feelings, hurts, there under the surface. He supposed he had been running from them—pushing them aside like a kind of self-preservation or, perhaps more accurately, a somewhat desperate attempt at triage.

Triage, Hero thought. That certainly seemed like a good word for it.

In a medical ethics class he had taken last semester, Hero had learned about disaster triage or how to prioritize individual emergencies during a large-scale disaster. It was the best metaphor he could think of for how this summer had felt, especially as far as Basil was concerned. Whatever Hero may have felt or may have been dealing with on his own—it was small and inconsequential compared to Basil’s well-being when he was so fragile and such a danger to himself. Hero knew that he, himself, was hurting. He accepted that, but he couldn’t accept that that mattered, so he had buried his own complicated feelings so deep that he wasn’t even sure what he felt anymore. As he stared at the envelope in his hands, however, his stomach coiled and twisted with the sickening, sinking feeling that as soon as he opened that letter, he wouldn’t be able to run from it anymore.

“Do you…uh…want me to read this now?” Hero stumbled with a crack in his voice. He tried not to sigh too loudly in relief as Basil shook his head.

“It’s kind of long… You should probably read it when you get home. Or uh…”—his voice hitched—“you don’t have to read it at all, if you…”

As Basil’s voice tapered off, Hero reached out to gently pat his twisting hands. “No, um…I will. I’ll try to read it tonight. Thank you.”

“I have letters for Kel and Aubrey too, but I’ll see them when I get to come home so…” Basil’s voice trailed, but Hero nodded.

“I’m really glad that you’re going to get to come home soon, Basil. I’m sure Aubrey and Kel will look after you, but I’m always here too. If you need anything, just call” He reached for a nearby pad of paper and a pen, which Aubrey had been using to keep score during their card game and wrote down his phone number “This is my phone number at college. Feel free to call me anytime.”

As he handed the piece of paper to Basil, Basil smiled and muttered a quiet but grateful, “Thank you.”

Hero sighed. From the look on Basil’s face, he knew that Basil was never going to call him. If Hero had to guess, Basil was probably thinking that as soon as Hero read whatever he had written in that letter, he would regret giving him his phone number and would never want to speak to him again. Hero wished there was a way to reassure Basil that this wasn’t the case, that there was nothing that Basil could possibly say that would ever make Hero abandon him, especially when he needed him most. But as it was now, Hero just didn’t have the words…so he hugged Basil goodbye, wished him well and headed back home to Faraway Town, where he spent the rest of the evening staring at that thick envelope wondering when he would ever have the strength to open it.

When the clock at the bottom of the stairs chimed 8:00 PM, Hero, finally, tentatively reached towards the letter. He held his breath—biting his lip as he carefully opened the seal with trembling hands, bracing himself for whatever might be inside. He pulled out a dense stack of notebook paper which he slowly unfolded counting not two or three but ten pages filled with small, delicate script on both the front and back sides. Thankfully, the pages were numbered.

Hero swallowed hard and staring down at the paper in front of him, began to read.

Dear Hero,

This is the fourth time I have tried to write this letter. My doctor suggested that it would be good for me to be honest with you about my regrets to try to make amends and move forward. I don’t think I’ve been doing a very good job of that, and I’m really sorry if I, or this letter, am a burden to you.

I want to start by saying that I have always looked up to and admired you. I’m sure you know that my family wasn’t ever really around. For a long time, it was just me and my grandma. I never had any brothers or sisters, but I had you and the rest of our friends. You were all like a family to me, especially you, Hero. If I ever had a big brother, I imagine he would be a lot like you—always looking out for me.

You are one of the kindest people I have ever met in my whole life. You always think of everyone else before yourself and try to take care of everybody. Even now, when I know that you’re really hurting, you’ve still come to visit me. You still talk to me and take care of my garden. That really means a lot to me, more than I have the words to say, but I want you to know it’s okay if you’re angry with me. I know I would be. I really hurt you—hurt everybody with what I did, and I am so, so sorry.

I know there’s nothing I can say or do to make amends for what I’ve done, and I’m not writing you this letter to make any justifications or excuses. I only want you to know that you mean so much to me—that my whole life all I ever wanted was to be like you. I never meant to hurt you and knowing that what I did hurt you in ways that I can’t even imagine breaks my heart. But what hurts even more is knowing that even now, even after everything I did, you’re still trying to protect me like you always have.

But you don’t have to do that anymore, Hero. If after you read this letter, you never want to forgive me and never want to talk to me again, I completely understand. There are certain things that can’t be fixed with apologies and regrets. I have a lot of regrets—one of the biggest is hurting the one person in the world I knew would always be there for me. I am so, so sorry…

Hero’s breath got caught in his throat. His eyes burned. He couldn’t read anymore.

“I’m going on a run,” he choked out—frantically reaching for his running shoes. Kel looked up from the video game he had been playing with a confused tilt of his head.

“You’d better bring a jacket. It’s cold out there. I heard on the radio that there’s supposed to be a cold snap tonight.”

Hero nodded, but he couldn’t say Kel’s words really registered with him until he was running against the chilly wind. He wished he had listened to his brother and grabbed his jacket, but at the time he had just been so desperate to get out of there—or, he supposed, more accurately to get away from that letter. There was perhaps something poetic in literally running away from it, but Hero hadn’t really been thinking of that at the time. His jogs were his one lifeline—sometimes the only thing that kept him sane, kept him together when he was about to fall apart. It seemed like the only thing he could cling to now.

As Hero turned the corner out onto the main street again, a cold gust of wind blew past. He shivered. It was far too cold for this time of year. Cold snaps weren’t particularly common in Faraway Town, but they generally happened in the spring rather than the fall, at least as far as Hero could remember. He couldn’t recall a lot of cold snaps. As much as it pained him to admit it, a lot of his memories from before Mari had passed away were becoming hazier and hazier, but he could remember a particularly nasty cold snap from about five years ago…

*-*-*

“And watch out for that unexpected cold front,” said the disc jockey on the radio. “Temperatures will drop to the low 30s and below tonight, so you’ll want to get your coats and sweaters back out for the morning.”

“So much for that spring weather…” huffed Aubrey shaking her head as she stared at her hand of cards. “Also, go fish.”

Kel groaned seemingly upset about both the upcoming cold snap and the fact he was losing at cards. “I don’t even know where my coat is.”

“I’ll help you look for it,” said Hero patting his brother on the arm. “I think I just saw it hanging up in the closet.”

As Kel just shrugged and reached to draw some cards from the pile in the middle of the table, Hero felt a hand tugging at his shirt sleeve. Sunny blinked at him then motioned to his coat in the corner where he had left it weeks earlier, back when the weather had finally started warming up.

“That’s very nice, Sunny, but you don’t have to loan Kel your coat. He has one at home, and you’ll need it yourself tomorrow.”

Sunny nodded though his eyes widened in surprise as Mari snuck up behind him wearing his coat and wrapped her arms around him. She giggled as she playfully waved the sleeves around, and Hero stifled a laugh as she teased, “This coat is a little heavier than usual, isn’t it?”

A slight smile tugged at the corners of Sunny’s mouth, and he let out two quick, heavy breaths—which Hero knew meant he was laughing. Seemingly pleased with herself, Mari’s smile widened, and she ruffled her brother’s hair before slipping out of the coat and handing it to him.

“I already boxed up my coat,” said Basil, nervously twisting his hands. “I think it’s under my bed. I’ll have to go home and check.”

Hero tilted his head at him. Somehow Basil seemed more nervous than usual. Mari seemed to notice as well as her face softened, and she gave him a reassuring smile.

“How about I walk you home?” she suggested. “So I can help you look for your coat.”

“Thank you, but you don’t have to do that, Mari,” sniffled Basil. “I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

“I don’t mind at all. It’ll be easier to look for it with several people helping.”

“I can help too,” said Hero. “After I walk Aubrey home, I’ll stop by and help you look for your coat.”

Basil’s eyes widened, and he held up his hands. “Oh no. You don’t have to do that. It’s really not a big deal at all.”

“And you don’t have to walk me home either,” huffed Aubrey with a slight frown. “I just live a street away.”

“But it’s dark out. I just want to make sure you get home safely.”

Aubrey rolled her eyes, but her mouth twitched in the corners as she shrugged her shoulders. “Alright, fine, but we should probably get going, huh? It’s getting late.”

As they all started to say their goodbyes for the evening, Hero watched as Mari gave him a reassuring smile and a look that said, “Don’t worry. I’ll find out what’s bothering, Basil.”

Hero sighed. Of course she had noticed there was something bothering him beyond just his lost coat. Mari was so good at reading people. She always knew when something was wrong and what to do to make someone happy again. It meant a lot to Hero to know that Basil was in such good hands—though he was sure he would feel a lot better once Aubrey was home safely and Mari had helped Basil work through whatever was troubling him.

After dropping Aubrey off at her house, Hero headed to Basil’s house where he was surprised to see Mari and Basil, who was now wearing his winter coat, out in the yard.

“Basil is worried that his plants will get too cold overnight so we’re going to cover them with some tarps and old picnic blankets,” Mari explained. How she had managed to get Basil to tell her this in such a short amount of time amazed Hero, but he supposed that was just Mari’s way with people. He always admired that about her.

Hero reached for one of the tarps and covered a nearby flowerbed. The cold wind biting at them, loosening the coverings as soon as they had been placed, made the task more difficult than it needed to be, but eventually every flowerbed in Basil’s garden was properly covered, warm enough to survive the cold night.

As the three of them surveyed their work, Basil sniffled. “Thank you so much for helping me. You really didn’t have to do that, but it means a lot.”

Hero smiled as Mari threw her arms around Basil and hugged him tightly.

“It was no trouble, Basil,” she said. “We’re always happy to help. That’s what family’s for.”

Tears pooled in Basil’s eyes as he choked out, “Family?”

“Of course. You’re like our little brother.” Giggling, Mari beamed at him and gently ruffled her hand through his hair. “If you ever need anything, we’ll always be here to help you—no matter what.”

Hero nodded in agreement and patted Basil’s shoulder before giving him a hug himself. Wiping the tears from his eyes, Basil sniffled again before saying his final thanks and goodbyes and heading back into his house.

As Hero and Mari started to walk home, Mari reached for Hero’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Hero smiled at her, but watching her shiver in the wind, he immediately let go of her hand and tried to disentangle himself from his jacket.

“Here, you can take this…” he said holding out his coat to her.

Chuckling, Mari wrapped the jacket around her shoulders and playfully teased, “What a gentleman! Thank you.” She took his hand again—intertwining their fingers. “You’re always so sweet, Hero.”

Hero blushed. He watched his feet shuffling on the sidewalk as his face grew warm. “You’re sweeter,” he gently insisted. “What you said to Basil back there was so kind. I could tell it really meant a lot to him.”

Mari’s expression softened, and something bittersweet passed over her eyes. “I feel so sorry for Basil. It’s just him and his grandma. He must be so lonely…and he’s such a gentle-hearted person. I…” She paused. “I worry about him sometimes. He needs somebody to look out for him.”

Hero nodded solemnly, but he gave Mari’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Hero?” As Mari looked up with him with wide, kind eyes, Hero’s heart could have melted. A smile twitched in the corners of her mouth as she quietly continued, “Promise me…that we’ll always take care of Basil…?”

As Hero nodded, a bright smile once again spread across Mari’s face. “Of course, Mari. We’ll always take care of Basil…and his flowers too.”

*-*-*

Hero stopped. Basil’s flowers. What if it got too cold for them and they froze before Basil even got to come home and see them?

Rubbing his hands together for warmth, he took off running towards Basil’s house where he found Polly out in the yard putting tarps over some of Basil’s flowerbeds.

“Hi Polly. Can I help?” asked Hero with a slight smile. “I was out on a run when I remembered Basil’s flowers and…with this cold snap coming in…” His voice trailed, but Polly smiled.

“Oh that’s so sweet of you, Hero,” she replied. “I’m just about finished, but if you want to cover that flowerbed over there”—she paused, motioning to her left—“that would be a big help.”

Hero nodded, and he reached for a nearby tarp. His brow furrowed as he turned towards the flowerbed—his chest aching at the sight of the clusters of lilies. Lilies had been Mari’s favorite flower, and Basil had always used to say they reminded him of her. When they were kids, Basil had had flowers that reminded him of all of his friends. If Hero was remembering correctly, his flower had been roses—though he had never felt he deserved it.

Hero’s eyes narrowed, and he tilted his head. There were rose bushes in this flowerbed too. When had Basil planted these?

“This is one of Basil’s favorite flowerbeds, you know?” Polly said quietly. “When I first came to work here, I once found him curled up in it in the middle of the night during a cold snap like this. He had covered the plants but was worried they still weren’t going to be warm enough, so he took the blanket off of his bed and dragged it out here and curled up next to them himself.”

Polly sighed. “When I tried to tell him that they were probably warm enough now and he could come back inside, he wouldn’t. He said he planted these flowers for his big brother and sister, and he wasn’t going to leave them. I was so confused because Basil is an only child, but…after everything that happened this summer…I started thinking…”

Polly stopped and turned to look at Hero. She didn’t say anything more, but she didn’t have to—Hero knew what she was thinking. He was thinking the same thing.

With a heavy sigh, he sunk to the ground. Something coiled and twisted in his chest as he thought about what these last four years must have been like for Basil. Not only was he grieving the loss of Mari, blaming himself for her death and everything that had come after, but he was grieving the loss of his family too, worrying that as soon as they knew the truth, they would see him as he saw himself: unredeemable, unforgivable, and unlovable. Hero could picture him shivering in the garden, desperately clinging to his few remaining memories of the only family he had ever known—waiting for the other shoe to drop, for them to learn the truth and leave him behind forever.

As Hero stared at the flowerbed, the carefully tended roses and lilies that had always reminded Basil of him and Mari, Hero’s eyes burned and his vision grew blurred and misty. He could hear Mari’s words, “Promise me…that we’ll always take care of Basil…?”

Hero watched as Polly’s eyes widened in concern. As she leaned forward with an outstretched hand, his brow furrowed. He reached up and touched his cheek—cold from the chilly wind and damp from the tears that had finally struggled free.

*-*-*

“H—Hero?” stammered Basil in surprise as he walked into the hospital’s common area.

Hero gave him a slight smile. “Hey, Basil. How’s it going?”

“I…I thought you were going back to school.”

“Yeah…I…I leave Thursday, but I…” He paused—twisting his hands around the handles of the gift bag he had brought with him. “I wanted to see you one more time. I hope that’s okay…?”

As Hero’s voice trailed, Basil blinked at him with wide eyes, but he managed a brisk nod.

“I brought this for you,” Hero continued, handing Basil the bag. “They’re from your garden.”

Basil pulled out a jar filled with roses and lilies that Hero had carefully picked from his garden with Polly’s permission of course. Hero stared down at his hands and took a deep breath. “Polly told me that flowerbed was one of your favorites. It’s still in bloom and really pretty. I hope you’ll make it home in time to see it before the Fall.”

Basil nodded again but sniffled. “You…you didn’t have to do this. And you didn’t have to come either. I…I know you’re really busy.”

“I always have time for you,” said Hero with a smile. “And after I read your letter, I just…I wanted to come see you because…there’s…something really important that I have to tell you.” He swallowed hard with a slight shrug of his shoulders. “I tried writing it down, but I just couldn’t find the right words and I—”

“It’s okay,” Basil quietly interrupted him with a wavering voice. “You can…say whatever you need to say. I’m ready.”

“No. Uh…um…Basil…I—” Hero stopped abruptly. As he watched Basil tremble, watched the tears pooling in his eyes as he braced himself for the worst, his heart ached. He completely forgot all the words of reassurance he had planned to say and practically leapt forward, wrapping his arms around Basil and holding him tightly. He could feel Basil’s shoulders stiffen—could feel him gasp in surprise.

“He—Hero?” choked Basil—his voice cut off by a strangled, garbled sob in the back of his throat. As he started to shake, Hero knew he was crying, and it broke his heart but not as much as his whispered, “I’m so sorry…”

Hero pressed his chin to Basil’s shoulder as tears began to prickle in his own eyes. He hugged him tighter—hoping that simple gesture would say everything he didn’t have the words to until finally, at long last, he took a deep breath and said, “I forgive you.”

“What?”

“I forgive you, Basil,” Hero repeated in a trembling voice—taking a deep breath to brace himself for the next part, the hardest part, of what he knew he had to say. “I…what happened…it…it hurt me.” He paused—suddenly struck by the weight of those words and of finally saying them aloud. “But…but that doesn’t make you unforgiveable and that…that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you anymore. I forgive you, and I know it’s probably not my place to say this but…I think…Mari would forgive you too and…she’d want you to forgive yourself. It’s…it’s what I want too.”

Hero’s throat grew dry and burned, but he took a long, shaky breath and continued, “You’ve suffered enough, Basil—punished yourself enough. I know you think that’s what you deserve, but that’s not what Mari would want for you. She really loved you, and all she ever wanted was to take care of you. Beating yourself up about what happened, only hurts you…It’s not going to bring her back. I…I”—his voice hitched— “I know that better than anyone. Believe me…if it did, she’d be here.”

Hero stopped—a lump forming in the back of his throat as his eyes burned with tears. “Mari—Mari isn’t…here…anymore…” he stumbled over his words, until finally he pulled away from Basil, placed both hands on his shoulders and met his teary eyes. “But I am, and I will always be here for you.”

At these words, tears began to pour down Basil’s cheeks as if he had never needed to hear something more in his entire life. He threw his arms around Hero and broke down sobbing. Hero’s face softened, and he pulled Basil close. As he gently patted his back, as he often did whenever he comforted any of his siblings, he caught sight of the jar of flowers on the table: the much loved lilies and roses. Hero sniffled, wiping a tear from his eye, as he thought of Mari and her wish: “Promise me…that we’ll always take care of Basil…?”

“I will always take care of you,” Hero gently whispered. “For both of us…”

#omori hero #hero omori #basil omori #omori basil #hero and basil friendship #hero needs a hug #poor hero 🥺 we only want good things for him #hero deserves to be happy #omori spoilers #hero friendships #when sun shines again⛅#hero fic #our content #thanks for reading

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kiamcclain · 8 months

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Healed is the New "Different"

March 2020 simultaneously changed life for everyone in the world. For the first time, no matter how well-adjusted one was, everyone received a taste of what it felt like to suffer multiple traumas in a relatively short time.

People in relatively excellent health now were uncertain if their health would remain the same. Those with chronic conditions under control wondered how Covid might complicate their illnesses. And people who were in poor health asked if they would survive the pandemic.

People who had never experienced financial stress now felt the strain as careers they had no intention of ending disappeared. On the other hand, those with jobs that put them in direct contact with the public were nervous about their well-being.

If these few issues were not enough, those with friends, family, and loved ones also experienced anxiety about their well-being and could not get so much as a hug from their most significant support systems in their time of need.

People who lived alone but had excellent support systems for the first time felt the crushing weight of feeling and being truly alone. All were left to grapple with their feelings and emotions without their usual support systems available to comfort them.

Lastly, grief became the most common tragedy suffered by a large chunk of the world population as millions lost their lives during the pandemic. Parents, children, spouses, siblings, grandparents, dear friends, and more - not only often died alone but also without any final goodbyes.

Grief also arose in the form of loss unrelated to death - for example - a sense of well-being and security, health and wellness, break ups, divorces, job loss, business losses, the loss of freedom, and so much more! The truth is there is a long laundry list of losses related to the pandemic that some people may never fully recover from.

For the first time in history, trauma was no longer unique. Here we are three years later, and those who have had a pattern of relying on their trauma to navigate the world are having a hard time. We live in a world where everyone must go to therapy and do the work required to recover from trauma - and thankfully, most of the world did just that!

The overall tolerance for complaining, blaming, drama, trauma, and the whole list of unhealed attributes is waning. Now, people expect others to have done their work or to be in the process of doing their work. Excuses about how one's life has been so complicated and how nobody cares and the "feel sorry for me" theme song is now falling on deaf ears. The standard for what acceptable behavior is has significantly shifted in a short amount of time.

Therapy is now an expected part of everyday life, and the stigma has been removed. With that said, one is expected to take responsibility for one's level of growth and healing. This is a factor that will have the intentionally unhealed in a chokehold. We have reached a point where no one is special or unique when experiencing traumatic events.

In a world where everyone has a story, and many have suffered a significant loss, being healed and whole now makes one an outlier, whereas not too long ago, having trauma made one unique. We now live in a world where healed is the new different and humanity is being asked to grow and mature to a new level of existence that doesn't rely on a victim mentality to get by.

#healing

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geshertzarmeod · 3 years

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Favorite Books of 2020

I wanted to put together a list! I read 74 new books this year, and I keep track of that on Goodreads - feel free to add or follow me if you want to see everything! I’m going to focus on the highlights, and the books that stuck with me personally in one way or another, in approximate order. Also, all but two of them (#5 and #7 on the honorable mention list) are queer/trans in some way. Links are to Goodreads, but if you’re looking to get the books, I suggest your library, the Libby app using your library, your local bookstore, or Bookshop.

The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell, illus. by Ned Asta (originally published 1977). I had a hard beginning of the year and was in a work environment where my queerness was just not welcomed or wanted. I read this in the middle of all of that, and it helped me so much. I took this book with me everywhere. I read it on planes. I read it on the bus, and on trains, and at shul. I showed it to friends... sometimes at shul, or professional development conferences. It healed my soul. Now I can’t find it and might get a new copy. When I reviewed it, in February, I wrote: “I think we all need this book right now, but I really needed this book right now. Wow. This book is magic, and brings back a sense of magic and beauty to my relationship with the world.” Also I bought my copy last July, in a gay bookstore on Castro St. in SF, and that in itself is just beautiful to me. (Here’s a post I made with some excerpts)

Once & Future duology, especially the sequel, Sword in the Stars, by A.R. Capetta and Cory McCarthy. Cis pansexual female King Arthur Ari Helix (she's the 42nd reincarnation and the first female one) in futuristic space with Arab ancestry (but like, from a planet where people from that area of earth migrated to because, futuristic space) works to end Future Evil Amazon.com Space Empire with her found family with a token straight cis man and token white person. Merlin is backwards-aging so he's a gay teenager with a crush and thousands of years of baggage. The book’s entire basis is found family, and it's got King Arthur in space. And the sequel hijacks the original myth and says “fuck you pop culture, it was whitewashed and straightwashed, there were queer and trans people of color and strong women there the whole time.” Which is like, my favorite thing to find in media, and a big part of why I love Xena so much. It’s like revisionist history to make it better except it’s actually probably true in ways. Anyway please read these books but also be prepared for an absolutely absurd and wild ride. Full disclosure though, I didn’t love the first book so much, it’s worth it for the sequel!

The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. This book hurt. It still hurts. But it was so good. It took me on a whole journey, and brought me to my destination just like it intended the whole time. The author’s note at the end made me cry! The sheer NEED from this book, the way the main relationship develops and shifts, and how you PERCEIVE the main relationship develops and shifts. I’m in awe of Ancrum’s writing. If you like your ships feral and needy and desperate and wanting and D/S vibes and lowkey super unhealthy but with the potential, with work, to become healthy and beautiful and right, read this book. This might be another one to check trigger warnings for though.

The Entirety of The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. I hadn’t heard of this series until this year, when a good friend recommended it to me. It filled the black hole in me left by Harry Potter. The political and mystical/fantasy world building is just *chef’s kiss* - the complexity! The morally grey, everyone’s-done-awful-things-but-some-people-are-still-trying-to-do-good tapestry! The ROMANCE oh my GOD the romance. If I’m absolutely fully invested in a heterosexual romance you know a book is good, but also this book had background (and then later less background) queer characters! And the DRAMA!!! The third book went in a direction that felt a little out of nowhere but honestly I loved the ride. I stayed up until 6am multiple times reading this series and I’d do it again.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. I loved this book so much that it’s the only book I reviewed on my basically abandoned attempt at a book blog. This book is haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. This is my favorite portrayal of gender maybe ever, it’s just... I don’t even have the words but I saw a post @audible-smiles made about it that’s been rattling in my head since. And, “you gender-malcontent. You otherling,” as tender pillow talk??? Be still my heart. Be ready, though, this book has all the triggers.. it’s a .

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender. This book called me out on my perspective on love. Also, it made me cry a lot. And it has two different interesting well-written romance storylines. And a realistic coming-into-identity narrative about a Black trans demiboy. And a nuanced discussion of college plans and what one might do after college. And some big beautiful romcom moments. I wish I had it in high school. I’m so glad I have it now! (trigger warning for transphobia & outing, but the people responsible are held accountable by the end, always treated as not okay by the narrative, and the MC’s friends, and like... this is ownvoices and it’s GOOD.)

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. My Goodreads review says, “I have no idea what happened, and I loved it.” That’s not wrong, but to delve deeper, this book has an ethereal feeling that you get wrapped up in while reading. Nothing makes sense but that’s just as it should be. You’re hooked. It is so atmospheric, so meta, so fascinating. I’ve seen so many people say they interpreted this character or that part or the ending in all different ways and it all makes sense. And it’s all of this with a gay main character and romance and the central theme, the central pillar being a love of and devotion to stories. Of course I was going to love it.

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. “Because maybe what really matters isn’t whether something is true, or false. Maybe what matters is the story itself; what kinds of doors it opens, what kinds of dreams it brings.” This book was so good and paradigm shifting. It reminded me of #1 on this list in the way it turns real life experience and hard, tragic ones at that (in this case, of being a trans girl of color who leaves home and tries to make a life for herself in the city, with its violence), into a beautiful, haunting fable. Once upon a time.

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver. I need to reread this book, as I read it during my most tranceful time of 2020 and didn’t write a review, so I forgot a lot. What I do remember is beautiful and important nonbinary representation, a really cute romance, an interesting parental and familial/sibling dynamic that was both heartbreaking and hopeful, and an on-page therapy storyline. Also Mason Deaver just left twitter but was an absolutely hilarious troll on it before leaving and I appreciate that (and they just published a Christmas novella that I have but haven’t read yet!)

The Truth Is by NoNieqa Ramos. It took a long time to trust this book but I’m so glad I did. It’s raw and real and full of grief and trauma (trigger warnings, that I remember, for grief, death (before beginning of book), and gun violence). The protagonist is flawed and gets to grow over the course of the book, and find her own place, and learn from the people around her, while they also learn to understand her and where she’s coming from. It’s got a gritty, harsh, and important portrayal of found family, messy queerness, and some breathtaking quotes. When I was 82% through this book I posted this update: “This book has addressed almost all of my initial hesitations, and managed to complicate itself beautifully.”

Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro. I wasn’t actually in the best mental health place to read this book when I did (didn’t quite understand what it was) but it definitely reminded me of what there is to fight against and to fight for, and broke my heart, and nudged me a bit closer to hope. The naturally diverse cast of characters was one of the best parts of this book. The romance is so sweet and tender and then so painful. This book is important and well-written but read it with caution and trigger warnings - it’s about grief and trauma and racism and police brutality, but also about love and community.

The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden. This is a sci-fi/fantasy/specfic mashup that takes place in near-future South Africa and has world-building myths with gods and demigoddesses and a trip to the world of the dead but also a genetically altered hallucinogenic drug that turns people into giant animals and a robot uprising and a political campaign and a transgender pop star and a m/m couple and all of them are connected. It’s bonkers. Like, so, so absolutely mind-breaking weird. And I loved it.

Crier’s War and Iron Heart by Nina Varela. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVED the amount of folktales they told each other with queer romances as integral to those stories, especially in Iron Heart. A conversation between the two leads where Crier says she wants to read Ayla like a book, and Ayla says she’s not a book, and Crier explains all the different ways she wants to know Ayla, like a person, and wants to deserve to know her like a person, made me weak. It lives in my head rent-free.

Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston @ekjohnston . I listened to this book on Libby and then immediately listened to it at least one more time, maybe twice, before my borrow time ran out. I love Padmé, and just always wish that female Star Wars characters got more focus and attention and this book gave me that!! And queer handmaidens! And the implication that Sabé is in love with Padmé and that’s just something that will always be true and she will always be devoted and also will make her own life anyway. And the Star Wars audiobooks being recorded the way they are with background sounds and music means it feels like watching a really long detailed beautiful Star Wars movie just about Padmé and her handmaidens.

Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story by Jacob Tobia. I needed to read this. The way Tobia talks about their experience of gender within the contexts of college, college leadership, and career, hit home. I kept trying to highlight several pages in a row on my kindle so I could go back and read them after it got returned to the library (sadly it didn’t work - it cuts off highlights after a certain number of characters). The way they talk about TOKENISM they way they talk about the responsibilities of the interviewer when an interviewee holds marginalized identities especially when no one else in the room does!!! Ahhhh!!!

Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie. Disclaimer for this one that the author was rightfully criticized for writing a Black main character as a white author (and how the story ended up playing into some fucked up stuff that I can’t really unpack without spoiling). But also, the author has been working to move forward knowing she can’t change the past, has donated her proceeds, and this book is really good? It has all the fanfic tropes, so much delicious tension, a totally unexpected plot twist that had me immediately rereading the book. This book was super fun and also kind of just really really good Star Wars fanfiction.

How To Be a Normal Person by T.J. Klune. This book was so sweet, and cute, and hopeful, and both ridiculous and so real. I had some trouble getting used to Gus’ voice and internal monologue, but I got into it and then loved every bit after. The ace rep is something I’ve never seen like this before (and have barely read any ace books but still this was so fleshed out and well rounded and not just like, ‘they’re obsessed with swords not sex’ - looking at you, Once & Future - and leaving it there.) This all felt like a slice of life and I feel like I learned about people while reading it. Some of the moments are so, so funny, some are vaguely devastating. I have been personally victimized by TJ Klune for how he ends this book (a joke, you will know once you read it) but it also reminds me of the end of the “You Are There” episode of Xena and we all know what the answer to that question was.... and I choose to believe the answer here was similar.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson. I wish I had this book when I was in high school. I honestly have complicated feelings about prom and haven’t really been seeking out contemporary YA so I was hesitant to read this but it was so good and so well-written, and had a lot of depth to it. The movie (and Broadway show) “The Prom” wants what this book has.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. I never read horror books, so this was a new thing for me. I loved the feeling of this book, the way I felt fully immersed. I loved how entirely queer it was. I was interested in the characters and the relationships, even though we didn’t have a full chance to go super deep into any one person but rather saw the connections between everyone and the way the stories matched up with each other. I just wanted a bit of a more satisfying ending.

Honorable Mention: reread in 2020 but read for the first time pre-2020

Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I couldn’t make this post without mentioning this book. It got me through this year. I love this book so much; I think of this book all the time. This book made me want to find love for myself. You’ve all heard about it enough but if you haven’t read this book what are you DOING.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan @sarahreesbrennan . I reread this one over and over too, both as text and as an audiobook. I went for walks when I had lost my earbuds and had Elliott screaming about an elf brothel loudly playing and got weird looks from someone walking their dog. I love this book so much. It’s just so fun, and so healing to read a book reminiscent of all the fantasies I read as a kid, but with a bi main character and a deconstruction of patriarchy and making fun of the genre a bit. Also, idiots to lovers is a great trope and it’s definitely in this book.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book is forever so important to me. I am always drawn in by how tenderly Sáenz portrays his characters. These boys. These boys and their parents. I love them. I love them so much. This is another one where I don’t even know what to say. I have more than 30 pages in my tag for this book. I have “arda” set as a keyboard shortcut on my phone and laptop to turn into the full title. This book saved my life.

Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book hurts to read - it’s a story about trauma, about working through that trauma, healing enough to be ready to hold the worst memories, healing enough to move through the pain and start to make a life. It’s about found family and love and pain and I love it. It’s cathartic. And it’s a little bit quietly queer in a beautiful way, but that’s not the focus. Look up trigger warnings (they kind of are spoilery so I won’t say them here but if you have the potential to be triggered please look them up or ask me before reading)

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine. When asked what my all time favorite book is, it’s usually this one. Gail Carson Levine has been doing live readings at 11am since the beginning of the pandemic shut down in the US, and the first book she read was Ella Enchanted. I’ve been slowly reading it to @mssarahpearl and am just so glad still that it has the ability to draw me in and calm me down and feels like home after all this time. This book is about agency. I love it.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman @chronicintrovert . I’ve had this on my all-time-faves list since I read it a few years ago and ended up rereading it this year before sending a gift copy to a friend, so I could write little notes in it. It felt a little different reading it this time - as I get further away from being a teenager myself, the character voice this book is written in takes a little longer to get used to, but it’s so authentic and earnest and I love it. I absolutely adore this book about platonic love and found family and fandom and mental illness and abuse and ace identity and queerness and self-determination, especially around college and career choices. Ahhh. Thank you Alice Oseman!!!

Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray @claudiagray . I have this one on audible and reread it several times this year. I love the fleshing out of Leia’s story before the original trilogy, I love her having had a relationship before Han, and the way it would have affected her perspective. I also am intrigued by the way it analyses the choices the early rebellion had to make... I just, I love all the female focused new Star Wars content and the complexity being brought to the rebellion.

#red white and royal blue #aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe #osemanverse #star wars #queer books #lgbtq books #books #alice oseman #miri personal #wow this took so long but was so worth it!#long post #book recs #PS: if you've read any of these or have questions about any of these books #this is your formal invitation to talk to me about them!!!! even if i don't know you at all!#even if i don't follow you and even if you don't follow me!#my ask box is open anon is on!#original content

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aspoonofsugar · 4 years

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Shipping aside, can you analyze Zuko and Katara's relationship, as well as Zuko and Azula's vs Katara and Sokka's

Hello anon!

When it comes to Katara and Zuko’s dynamic, I would start from this scene:

This scene is where they interact for the first time not as enemies, but as people. It is meaningful that the first thing they share is about their respective mothers.

Ursa and Kya are two fundamental figures in their kids’ lives. In particular, when it comes to Katara and Zuko, they are linked to sides of them they usually hide.

On one hand Ursa is linked to a kind and empathetic side Zuko has, but does not initially show.

For Zuko (and also for Azula, but in a more complicated way) Ursa symbolizes unconditional love. Ursa is the parent who has always shown Zuko kindness and appreciation no matter what he accomplished.

Ursa being linked to a more positive side of Zuko is made clear also here:

Iroh: “You have more than one great-grandfather, Prince Zuko. Sozin was your father's grandfather. Your mother's grandfather was Avatar Roku”.

Ozai is Sozin’s descendant, while Ursa is Roku’s. Zuko is the descendant of both and must reconcile these two sides of himself.

In short, Ursa embodies a more positive side of Zuko. This is why the flashback about her is one we have when Zuko is travelling alone and is already starting to change and to show more and more of these positive traits.

When it comes to Katara, the violent death of her mother is instead linked to a ruthless unforgiving side she rarely shows:

Katara: “It's not the same! Jet attacked the innocent. This man, he's a monster.”

Katara is usually compassionate and empathetic. As Sokka says:

Sokka: “ Nah, she doesn't hate you. Katara doesn't hate anyone.”

However, when it comes to her mother’s murderer, she shows cruelty. What is more, at the root of both Katara and Zuko’s traumas reguarding their mothers there is the fact that they grow up without knowing what really happened to them.

All in all, they stay confused and without closure to the point that years later what happened to their mothers is still haunting them. What makes their parallel even stronger is that both Kya and Ursa died/disappeared to protect their children. However, the reasons why their children risked death are different.

On one hand Zuko risks to die because Ozai does not value him. In particular, Ozai sees him and his bending as weak. On the other hand Katara risks to die because she is a bender, so she might be strong enough to pose a danger for the Fire Nation.

Both children are threathened by the Fire Nation, but for opposite reasons. Zuko is targeted because of his “weakness”, while Katara for her strength and potential. This ties to the different social role they are asked to fulfill by their respective communities. On one hand Zuko is asked to be a prince and so to exhibits traits like ruthlessness and strength. On the other hand Katara’s culture (well, the culture of the North Water Tribe, at least) asks her to be a woman and not to fight.

Both Katara and Zuko exhibits traits they should not have. Katara is powerful and has taught herself how to fight, while Zuko is compassionate and does not want soldiers to be cruelly sacrificed. They end up in trouble because of this and enter into a conflict with parts of their culture just to be themselves. At the same time, theirs is also a story of getting to know their respective cultures better and this can happen also through getting to know other cultures as well.

This is made clear by how their respective bending progresses throughout their journeys.

On one hand Katara leaves a homecountry which was almost completely destroyed by the war. Many aspects of her culture, especially the ones related to her bending, went missing and her main objective at the beginning of the series is to learn more about them. Throughout her journey she succeeds. As a matter of fact in each season she discovers more and more about waterbending. In the first book she discovers its healing properties and learns a Northern style. In the second book, she discovers the swamp style of water-bending. Finally in the last book she is trained by a Southern bender and learns blood-bending. In short, throughout her journey Katara discovers her roots and accepts both positive and negative things about them.

On the other hand Zuko’s bending develops as he learns more from other cultures:

And, thanks to in his attempt to teach fire-bending to Aang, he connects with a style of fire-bending often forgotten:

In short, Zuko is enriched by other cultures and it is through them that he also discovers more about his own.

It is also interesting that what we discover about each bending each season parallels Zuko and Katara in some way.

On one hand Zuko starts the story as an antagonist and what people say about firebending in season one is mostly negative:

Even a firebending master recognizes how dangerous his bending is. This is what is said about waterbending instead:

Waterbending has healing qualities. Water can heal, whereas fire can only hurt. This is a good power for a character like Katara to have. As a matter of fact she is an extremely nurturing character to the point that she often acts as a mother figure even for characters who are her peers:

Sokka: “I'm gonna tell you something crazy. I never told anyone this before, but honestly? I'm not sure I can remember what my mother looked like. It really seems like my whole life, Katara's been the one looking out for me. She's always been the one that's there. And now, when I try to remember my mom, Katara's is the only face I can picture.”

However, in season three we are shown that firebending can also embody a positive philosophy:

Aang: “All this time, I thought firebending was destruction. Since I hurt Katara, I've been too afraid and hesitant. But now I know what it really is ... it's energy, and life.”

Zuko: “Yeah. It's like the Sun, [He curls his hand into a fist.] but inside of you. Do you guys realize this?”

Fire is linked to the sun and can represent life itself. After all, where would humans be without fire?

At the same time, we are shown how waterbending can be extremely dangerous:

These revelations about firebending and waterbending fit with what we discover about Zuko and Katara themselves, as stated above. Zuko can be helpful and kind, while Katara can be resentful and feel deep hatred.

In short, both characters have negative and positive traits. However, they manage not to lose themselves and to find an equilibrium and this is also because of their loved ones.

This is also true for their respective cultures. All in all, all cultures have positive and negative traits and this is why it is important to acquire different points of view. This is the main theme of ATLA after all. It is not by chance that the Avatar gets to bend all elements. It is because only through knowing all kinds of people he can help maintain harmony.

Another interesting similarity between Zuko and Katara is that they foil the other’s sibling.

On one hand Zuko and Sokka are both boys who are struggling to live up to others’ expectations. Both have a father figure they wish to make proud. However, they feel they are failing.

In Zuko’s case, Ozai being proud of him is something which will never happen. This is because Ozai will never accept Zuko as a person and will fail to see his positive traits. This is why in the end Zuko realizes Ozai’s praise is not worth it. He realizes that there is already a person who is proud of him and who loves him despite it all aka Iroh.

When it comes to Sokka, Hakoda is already proud of him, but Sokka feels he is not enough if compared to his father. This is because what he mostly sees of his father is his strength as a warrior. Sokka is an average person when it comes to physical strength and battle prowess. He acquires more experience as the series progresses, but he mostly uses his intelligence and skill to solve situations. What is more, he is a normal person in a cast of people with magical power. However, Sokka slowly discovers that he can be like his father (a leader and an example) just by being himself. His strength lies in him seeing things outside the box and he does not need to lose his goofy side to be useful. At the same time, he progressively loses his toxic masculinity (just like Zuko). He starts to respect women more and learns from them, for example.

On the other hand Katara and Azula are similar in how they are both affected by their mothers’ disappearances. This despite the fact that they hide their hurt well enough. As a matter of fact it is clear pretty soon that Sokka and Zuko want to be appreciated by their fathers, but the level of pain and unsolved issues Katara and Azula have for their mothers’ disappearances is something which comes up much later.

This is because both Katara and Azula are asked by their societies to fulfills different roles. Katara is asked to become the woman of the family and she ends up mothering her older brother. Azula is instead asked to be a princess and a military leader. This makes so that they repress their issues until they come up in ugly ways:

It is interesting that the moments they are at their most powerful when it comes to their bendings are also the moments where they are the most unstable psychologically wise.

That said, Katara still manages to process her feeling of grief and to find closure. It is also important that she expresses her feelings of resentment towards her brother to an extent:

Sokka: “Katara, she was my mother, too, but I think Aang might be right.”

Katara: “Then you didn't love her the way I did!”

Because of this, she is ultimately able to move on.

However, when Azula has the chance to address her feelings for her mother, she refuses to do so, as I explained here:

Azula: I don’t have sob stories like all of you. I could sit here and complain how our mom like Zuko more than me. But I don’t really care. My own mother… thought I was a monster… She was right of course, but it still hurt.

In conclusion, Katara and Zuko are pretty strong foils and they represent two sides of the conflict and two different cultures, which initially despise each other. This is pretty much made clear by them being linked with water and fire respectively. This is why their story is a story of reconciliation and forgiveness and this is made clear when one compares their respective roles in each season finale.

In the first season finale they fight each other. This is the first time they are on equal footing because Katara finally got the chance to be trained. The focus is mostly on their competitiveness and conflict.

In the second season finale, they discover they are more similar than what they think. They have similar traumas and are in similar situations. However, even if Katara is ready to give Zuko a chance, Zuko betrays her and a reconciliation does not happen.

Finally, in the third season finale, they are shown fighting together against Azula, who is a foil of both. They save each other’s lives and help to end the war.

These are my main thoughts on these two characters and their foiling.

Thank you for the ask!

#atla #atla meta #katara #zuko #azula #sokka #asksfullofsugar #anonymous

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