Today's episode of "Why is Astarion covered in blood?":

He went to jail for a crime he committed and then he did even worse crimes while in jail.

Gale got kidnapped by a shapechanging cult leader with a murder fetish. I wanted to get our sexy wizard out of that situation ASAP, so I headed right over to the tombstone store that is actually a front so I could break in and start a fight with the aforementioned cult leader's murder dad-grandpa. Astarion picks the lock but- oh, crap, I forgot to check for the steampunk robot police! So he got caught by a Steel Watcher and thrown in jail. He misty stepped out of his jail cell with no trouble but then I realized the cops took his weapons and those were really good weapons that I can't replace. So he broke back into jail to find the evidence chest with his stuff but got caught. Too late, he already got his knives back. So he cast darkness, stabbed a few guards to death, and then ran out of the police station before a 20 foot tall robot could beat him into a pulp. From there, he leisurely jogged back to the fake tombstone store, where the rest of the party was milling about. This time around, we waited until the cops patrolled past us before breaking in. Astarion picked the lock with a nat 20 on the first try.

Please ignore his fuck ass armor.

The building behind him doesn't have walls because Act 3 of this game makes my computer panic when I change maps.

Homies i feel compelled to finally release all my Rebecha headcanons into the wild

Also this turned out longer than expected-

She’s chubby, but also freaking shredded. she was created for a fighting game after all, and fixed a whole bridge dozens of times.

COULD beat anyone up. And will if she loses her temper.

strong enough to carry a person.

and she’s only 5’7”

In Combat Arena X she was competitive and loved to win, but that flame turned into ‘i want to get the fuck out of here’

She’s an ambivert. Used to be more talkative in the first days of her creation, quieted down as time went on.

Honestly i can see her personality being similar to Beffica from Bugsnax when she was created (…obviously that didn’t last long).

Now she’s pretty much just chill and serious and “i literally don’t care (cares)”

And she’s not afraid to speak her mind and doesn’t like picking sides.

She was created by Kaycee when she was working for Lionel but that’s another can of worms, but Carla was like ‘everyone in this stinky office will create at least one female’

Wizarro is her bestie (mlm and wlw solidarity), she also somehow befriended Jack.

Likes Bryce’s pies 👍

Her favourite drink is Popper’s Rootbeer

Definitely bonked someone with her big wrench

Really wanted to stay in Waste World…totally not because Rust was like a father figure to her hahahehehoho

Now whoever gives her headpats she gets flashbacks about Rust

Fought with Irving many, many times, whether it be arguments or fist fights.

Leshy tolerates her. Invites her to play card games and drink tea with him. And because of that animals like her but when many smaller creatures decide to just rest on her head/shoulders or bigger creatures gather around her for pets she’s like ‘help…Leshy help-’

Actually tried to eat the meat cake…

Grimora treats her like she’s her granddaughter. Pinches her cheeks a lot. But Rebecha doesn’t like going to her crypt because the zombies from the ground try to grab her ankles and the undead severed hands freak her out.

Has many sassy comebacks to P03’s insults

Hates Magnificus with her whole being.

Didn’t know James Cobb personally but knows everything that happened to him, gets upset whenever she sees Plasma Jimmy.

…if she was a human she’d be poc ❤️

And now some songs that remind me of her and makes my brainworms brrrrr (in no particular order)

I need to be alone - girl in red

I’ll die anyway - girl in red

Lent - Autoheart

Rät - Penelope Scott

Blow my brains out - Tikkle Me

I bet on losing dogs - Mitski

Burning Hill - Mitski

Nobody - Mitski

Liquid Smooth - Mitski

First Love / Late Spring - Mitski

Real Men - Mitski

Geyser - Mitski

Drunk Walk Home - Mitski

Jealous - Eyedress

Girls - Marina and the diamonds

Alligator Skin Boots - McCafferty

Better than me - The Brobecks

The Stand - Mother Mother

Ordinaryish People - AJR

When you die - MGMT

hi i'd like a list of all the ceemen subunits and which one i can get into pls and ty

YES 

all u have to do is read through the list and figure out which one you are most like and baM ur in 

ceemen:

as long as you’re here you’re a ceemen so i don’t have much to say :D

“wait why are we called ceemen lol it sounds like something else” 

you are the backbone of this blog

“ceemen sounds like semen did you do that on purpose haha” 

without u guys i am nothing 

you either absolutely hate that i named you ceemen or you’re obsessed with it 

super chill but also very crackheady at times which i love 

brocees:

u either radiate u up? ;) energy or i’m just here for a good time! energy 

you came here by accident aka u found me because your friend/sibling left my blog open on their laptop and then u decided to give me a shot 

“i’m straight but i like reading ur stories but also let me remind u again that i am straight also did i mention i like girls because i am straight” 

aggressively fist-bumps 

for some reason u only love balletteacher!jimin or ramenboy!taehyung so u have pretty good taste i guess 

ceesters:

very wholesome and caring and sweet

“have you eaten yet?”

the older sister i’ve always wanted 

“here’s your reminder to drink some water and stay hydrated!!” 

can never do anything wrong

“take your time with writing!! we’ll be here waiting patiently!!”

u could run someone over and i would still be like <3 

you give me the cutest nicknames!!! ceebeeboo??? miss cee??? ceelion?? LOVE

creepy crawlcees: 

your main purpose in life is to scare the SOCKS off me for some reason 

what did i ever do to YOU????

“look behind you” 

W̷̧͓̩͔̻͍͖̻̠̤̟̭͕̉̄ͅe̵̖̭͗̐̃̽̄̀̑̾͛́̿̓ ̶̨͉̯͕̗̣̮̀̑͒̽̀͂̐̓͌͠À̵͎͎̲̃̀̀̌ŗ̶̢͕̭̼͍̭̪̝̳͎͔̍͛͊͒̍̋͊̉̾̀è̶̡̪͙͈͕̲̺͕̖́̈̈́̄̾͊͂̄̓̽͋̂̃̆ ̵̼̤̥̣͈̝͚̰̞̯̰̝̻̟̏̂̔̏́̐͊͠H̸̢̗͔͇̭̙̩̟̐̆e̶̛̖͎̪̖̪̞͎͔̼̯̦̜͎̓̈́̕ȑ̷͇̬͈͚͚̼̬͉̭̖̪̏̇̾̈e̷̢̜̖͑̍͝ͅ

very strange messages with no context whatsoever but still very entertaining

“they’re in the TREES”

if vine and tiktok had a baby it would be you 

chicken wing chicken wing hot dog and bologna chicken and macaroni chillin with my homies

ceebies:

silent readers!!!!!!

i see u all the time in my activity reblogging and liking posts and i always appreciate it 

big BIG i’m babie energy 

“i’ve never sent u anything before + i’m coming off anon for the first time and i’m nervous + u don’t have to respond if u don’t want to” 

u also play a very big part in keeping this blog running 

generation ceez:

you’ve been here from the very beginning!!

u understand my pain every time someone brings up an old jungkook fic and you tell me it’s not that bad when in reality we both know they were hot flaming garbage 

“cee i remember back when you-” 

there is a special place in my heart reserved just for you because we’ve been hanging out with each other for so long 

:-)

Uchiha Rap Cypher | GameboyJones

Uchiha Rap Cypher | GameboyJones

Uchiha Rap Cypher | Lyrics GameboyJones ft Daddyphatsnaps 

Sasuke (GameboyJones):-

Bout to bring the clan in, no not that one Fugaku was the head and after all i am my dads son Carry on the family name i'm repping for Uchihas Our powers Infinite like Tsukuyomi and then beyond Uh, i was conflicted i love the Hidden Leaf But the village is the reason why my family is deceased Now i got some inner peace but for those who know my story Things got shocking and it pierced right through my chest like a Chidori Orochimaru promised me power i had to have it I carried all the hate on my shoulders where i got tatted, uh But i refuse to be this snakes little pawn I don't need the Sage of Six Paths to make you Rinnegan My eyes go unanswered they stay on red Put the enemy to sleep hope you made y'alls bed Keeping everybody safe that is all i desire Amaterasu that's my Will of Fire Itachi(NonelikeJoshua):-

Uchiha in body but my mind is on the Hidden Leaf You can call me Itachi while i try to find some inner peace As the most hated but i take responsibility After all i played the greatest sibling prank in history Have you seen my Sharingan? Your Chakra isn't shit to me Now you're getting crucified two hundred times in your dream Shurikens are murderous you're gonna wish you didn't speak But i had the clans on my back so my disc is weak Fireball Jutsu, sorry my brother but maybe next time I can show you that i'm the best Ninja alive Even after i die You can look in my eyes To learn sacrifice Youngest in Anbu i mastered the stealth By covering emotions that fester and dwell Kabuto, i'm about to give you the help Already saved Uchiha from themselves, uh Sarutobi chose me to kill off all of my broskies Now these emo weebs will post about me like they know me Foes will know the Susano will be my only homie If you see my crows you're already decomposing Shisui (Connor Quest):-

Body flickers like a candle flame Disappear and flash into your vision Quicker than a snapping camera frame Things i've witnessed not too many can relate The feeling you've abandoned mates These pupils proved i've pushed through and i've handled pain Mangekyo bleeds My crow feeds On the cronies Knife so deep In Shinobis Make a foe plead Down on both knees No team is beating Shisui They flee when they see me It's seemingly easy My reputation it really does proceed me Self sacrifice a hero with no name That will keep evil at bay From the shadows, grey That's the true Shinobi way Forge a plan to stop the coup d'etat A ruse to calm the ruthless hearts And show Fugaku You don't have to choose this path Was i just blinded by such a hopeful dream? My iris full of smoke and steam To Danzo's cloak and dagger scheme Trust in Itachi, now as i'm driving off a high cliff This parting gift, now maybe you can see the world as i did Sarada (FrivolousShara):-

Real eyes Realize those real lies Uchiha blood Coursing through these red eyes Be advised I ain't the one to be messed with Try to fight me one on one Let's run a set quick Say what you will about my bloodline i'm the perfect mix I got the strength and the edge to burn a body quick The higher the stakes, the stronger i come And if i've gotta fight a friend, they're a foe til i've won, uh Hokage the mission I'll bring to fruition Through repetition And training ambition Genjutsu submission You're mine if you listen Yeah opposition You stay in position I'll end this fight in a lightning flash Or maybe use my fist to Chakra dash, whiplash When you hear my freaking last name Sharingan gleaming through the red glass frame Obito (Zach Boucher):-

Look, i hope nobodies scared to die quick Had a paradigm shift Now i'm different I can make you wish You weren't alive kid This is not the way i thought it'd turn But i'll be fine Rin Everyone has got a purpose And i know what mine is I was innocent but now i'm in it for the kill Guess i love to see em plead for help and watch their body spill Thinking maybe i've been crazy, i was changing, i was ill It's like now i take a life and don't even know what to feel Felt the weight Couldn't keep it away Knew my feelings for you But i never knew what to say Living with all the memories, now they're turn into pain Til i couldn't no longer was forcing myself to change Wasn't tamed Lost myself in the dark I was swept in I am no Shinobi, call me Tobi I'm your death wish Get in their emotions Outta hope and it's a dead end The one i love, she's left dead From the hands of my best friend Madara (Daddyphatsnaps):-

Of course they would save a god for last And that respect is all that a god could ask What's the alternative? If you all attack I'll pull a meteor from the sky and bomb your ass I'm a monster resurrected more than i can count All of this is me planning every motherfucking route And when i bring a solution you don't even hear me out I make all the hard decisions that is what a G about (god) Try to send an army and i tore em all to shreds I was rolling heads Had the other killers playing dead I was toying really just wanted to battle you instead You will pay for every hit you ever landed and i bled Shoulda heard your little army when they cowered and they pled Begged even your alliances look better when they're red I will finish what i started While i massacre you doubters Cuz the only thing you cowards Understand is the power

https://img.youtube.com/vi/1PCervmcKtg/maxresdefault.jpg from Blogger https://bit.ly/2X7ImQc

Rap Beef: Joyner Lucas Vs. Tory Lanes

Tory fires first over the Lucky You beat Joyner rapped on with Eminem

I got a million flows, I can go silly with those I got a pocket rocket Down to cock and chop and pop a nigga that really impose Niggas that’s wit me is villans in hoodies That lost all they good and they feelings on road It’s so appealing, the feeling of killing a nigga that pose Get Milli Vanillied with those Turn a beef plate to a cheesesteak Bitch, I be really in Philly with those Neck rocky as a blizzard, a nigga flex gotten bigger My wrist is so chilly, it froze Really I’m colder than ever, my niggas goin' for whatever Niggas gripped up, fifth tucked in the snow storm or the weather Sandstorm or the desert, hands drawn on a Dessy Leave his whole body bloody Like shorty done put in her tampon on already Shooting with a Vietnam cannon out the Peter arm on the levy See, the charm on already We go to jail, this shit'll be fine, we’ll meet up with friends 'Cause all of our mans gone-gone already Nigga the-, nigga the- I'ma do a three in week, I gave the Jeep the receipt Either the double-R stitching, it’s that or the Bentley B in the seat I got my D in a freak, I gotta be in repeat She wanna eat every morning I treat it like porridge and gave her the cream of the wheat And I rock it like P and a B I don’t cop it less it’s Louie, Gucci on the pocket Or even a D and a G, 'cause the way that the money piling I'll be wildin' 'til a nigga make about a B in a week Fuck niggas hating on me But I’m Gary Payton, always on the team with the green And the money counter, 'cause when I’m accounting It be money coming in and coming out it, paper cut the money Dummy niggas, I been thumbing out it Trying not to run up out it in a fist fight With a knife, nigga brought a gun up out it Don’t you run up out it, lil nigga Uh, hit him with a mini MAC Is he really that bad that I gotta hit him with a bigger gat? Matter fact, riddle me that I’m literally at the spot that he said he’d be at, but where is he at? Like, really nigga? Is you really tellin' me that? Like I ain’t prepared to hit him with a felony act? Like, what you thought, I would never react? Have a nigga lookin' like he tryna fight in Smash Bros When a nigga put a whole shell in his back Fuck niggas yelling it back Niggas get high and start hating on a real nigga It’s like a nigga smokin' on a jealousy pack Look, lil nigga, uh I got the remedy, I got the shooters with hidden identities Fuck who you send at me I got a stack on me long as a ruler and centipede I got that Geneve, I got the energy I got the money, the power, the enemies I go to business I’m asking these niggas for 60 percent of the entity No one defending me Niggas is talking, but no one offending me Niggas know what the result of the end'll be Niggas won’t know how to find where they men'll be I'm a way different nigga on Hennessy I got the recipe, none of y’all niggas sit next to me Guard where your head and ya chest'll be I suggest you niggas never go testin' me I suggest you niggas never go testin' me, nigga

I promise y'all niggas I do this shit in my sleep, it's easy I come to the studio and just say shit and it comes out that way You know what I mean? I promise y'all we down to go 36 hundred thousand rounds with anybody Let these niggas know that all that rapping fast shit We can do it too, nigga Niggas be thinking they got that special sauce Not today, nigga Ain't that right, man? Y'all know what the fuck goin' on, man Who next? Who next? Who next? For real, who next? Lemme know, lemme know, I'm off this, I'm off this Love me now

Joyner uses Meek Mill’ “Litty” beat to respond

You just gonna do what you supposed to ('Posed to) I remember when them hoes called me old news Now when they cheat, I'm the go-to (Joyner) Word on the street's I ain't one to get close to I was hopeless, now I'm hopeful (Yuh) I done made my own way like I'm supposed to All you niggas did what you was told to (Yeah) Tory, why all your songs always sound like a rerun, nigga? (Huh) I just want my motherfucking refund, nigga (Huh) Funny looking ass, go and eat some', nigga I ain't never had to get my fucking teeth done, nigga (Hahaha) When I kill you, I ain't running to you, bleed some, nigga (Yuh) Oh, you wan' be some nigga? (Yuh) Me and 6ix9ine had Trippie Redd bitch on the couch She was giving us a threesome, nigga

Why you bring my name up in the first place, Tory? (Yeah) You ain't fucking with me on my worst day, Tory (Uh) Wasn't better than me when I was in first grade, Tory We can do this every year on your birthday, Tory (Brrrat) Every summer, every winter, every Earth day, Tory Every Tuesday, every Thursday, Tory It's gon' be a motherfucking anniversary, Tory You done fucked up, now you need first aid, Tory

Shit Damn So now that we got that out the way, hmph Let's make a record, nigga Hahahahaha Joyner

Tory responds with a scorcher over the same Litty beat so that both had the exact same amount of time for their verses

And it goes on Kill a pussy nigga with his pantyhose on The gun is equipped for what ever hand it goes on To kill a backpack nigga with his Jansport on Geek ass nigga Dweeb ass nigga Never had a G-pass nigga 'Bout to ski mask his ass and eat fast nigga Pull the heat fast and blast And leave that nigga With his seat back nigga I'm a number one nigga in no time I been waiting for a nigga to give me the showtime In the jungle waiting for you to slip on the oak vine I'ma do this nigga like I was chewing a pork rind nigga Eminem couldn't get ya to a million on the 'Gram Chris Brown tried, nigga failed both times I done took ya page to a million in a day If you ask me, nigga, I'm ya motherfucking cosign I'ma hit the pussy ass nigga with a clothesline I'ma have to catch a nigga slipping in my own time I just took the flame on a private ass plane Out to Massachusetts, catch this nigga slipping in his hometown Ya see what go around come around and go around So I got his hoe going round like it go around Let these niggas know I'm not the one to toe-to-toe around Singing ass nigga not the one to leave your hoe around I'm about to hit him with the end of the K Word to my niggas in Heaven I'm 'bout to send em away I'm exhausted I kill this nigga two times 24 hours man this shit been a repetitive day Nigga tell me is it Joyner Lucas, Lucas Joyner? I'm the nigga who destroy ya Coupe deploy ya, label drop ya, who's the lawyer? Buy ya contract from them back and be who employ ya Oops, I'm going, who's condoning? Juice and jonesing Met ya bitch she too conjointed Tryna ask this pussy ass nigga who the fuck want smoke But the lightskin niggas in ya crew too spooked to join in I'm a nasty nigga, then you could ask these nigga The shotty dumping popping up outta the backseat, nigga I'm 'bout to leave his body bloody like a maxi, nigga I tax these niggas, get at these niggas, attack these niggas The venom is arachne, nigga I'm 'bout kill da man and da man that done backed these niggas And blam any man that'll try to dap you niggas And clap any stan fan that attract you niggas See ya daddy was a musician that never made it 'Cause when you was born nigga it was you or him Shattered knowing he would never make it as an artist And the odds of his life prolly be 2 to 1 But I give it to him 'cause he didn't run I guess he figured, "man when you look at it in a nutshell All I got is a failed music career and My revenge is giving that shit to my son" Nigga I'ma flossy nigga They try to toss me nigga The 45th I get em off me nigga I block niggas Chris Bosh these niggas I got figures pish posh to niggas I dump niggas, jump, criss cross these niggas The pump leave 'em slumped, in the car seat nigga The skunk in the trunk was an awkward nigga That thought he didn't need to have caution with him A cornball with a Boston fitted I said hold up my nigga man this shit crazy You fucked AYLEK$ man that shit crazy Nigga said he out here running threesomes with the Nigga that's in court dealing with the kid cases I'ma hit a stain then I hit a bad one Pull up on the nigga hold em up for ransom I got five plaques this year, you did a whole song with Eminem and still don't even have one nigga Damn, my lil homie that’s a bad one nigga Really feel bad for you it's a sad one nigga Hold your head steady maybe you could have one nigga Hit me for a hook and maybe get a plaque young nigga Shout go out to Wayno and Ak my nigga Tomorrow they'll be talking 'bout you got smacked young nigga From the pack my nigga I'm keeping this shit a stack, my nigga That "Litty" verse was wack, my nigga They go hard my dawg, but I go harder nigga Atcha head with the fade like a barber nigga Try to come for the boat and I'ma harbor niggas Be smart like a Harvard nigga don't start with niggas And he got a problem with us But nigga, I know how to solve it nigga This is my son I'ma tell 'em like Star Wars, "Lucas, I am your father" nigga You a perpetrating, work for hire, twerk for payment Busta Rhyme impersonating, worthless baby, irks him daily Hurts to say it, burger flipping, birthed in 80s Tryna be a 90s baby, thirty something tryna chase it Tryna make it, rocks designer, kinda fakes it Hates to face it That he'll never be a nigga that be placed for A-list, niggas damn Here's what he's thinking right now "I'm Joyner Lucas, why did I start it with this guy? Tory Lanez coming back what am I gonna do this time? They ain't like none of my diss lines Everybody knows I can spit it in quick time Even if the lines is as shitty as 6ix9ine's But this time they ain’t really letting me get by Fuck I'm finna do with this shit now? Damn I know this nigga finna be wild Knowin' this nigga bout to kill me on it OD now Don't nobody ever wanna book me for a show I ain't got no songs when I go I spit freestyles Try to make songs 'bout depression But nobody ever get it So I take it out on popping niggas beats now I ain't never ever trapped I ain't never slung a gat But the world don't know so fuck it, I'm a G now" Man, what the fuck wrong with him? I know something wrong with him I got a hundred bunch o' bullets 'bout to put 'em all in him Nigga walked in with a hundred rounds in him And he's seen a nigga chicken I was comin' down in it Glock nine nigga gotta run around with it I'ma son a nigga, keep it at least one-a-round with it Backpack niggas ain't sellin' no records Better dumb it down with it when you come around with it

This shit is easy man Yo it's crazy nigga I'm really-, I'm really-, I'm really being very generous, you know? Like I'm really doing you a favor, it's not a lot of niggas in my status that come down just to, you know, to come down and spank you niggas, pause man It's crazy, but you know I'ma do for you what niggas didn't do for me - that's older brother status So if you blow from this point on, I'm your cosign nigga, you know what it is Ayy Slow, that's facts right? Big facts, word to Ralph, nigga, word to big Jevante too, nigga You know what's going on nigga-, you know what the fuck's going on, nigga One Umbrella gang, nigga

Joyner finishes off the battle with Kodak Black’s ZeZe beat but doesn’t necessarily finish Tory.

Ahh, shit Joyner!

Yo, nigga's saying, "What a great battle" But you about to see a fucking snake rattle Boy, you just a pony with a pink saddle I'm truly sorry that you stuck inside of Drake's shadow When are you gon' overcome? (Huh) When are you gon' level up? When are you gon' grow another foot? (Huh) When are you gon' show us that you number one? (When) And everything that you accomplished in some years about to take me just a couple months Don't you think I'm bluffing neither I thought you were tougher, eager (Damn) How you almost signed to Justin Bieber? You look like a fuckin' beaver (Haha) Ten years in the game but yo' ass still sittin' on the fucking bleachers Boy, you just another diva (Just another diva) Heard yo' grandmama kicked you out the house screaming "Tory, we don't fucking need you" Why yo' daddy up and leave you? (Why) I guess this is how they fucking treat you And you my puppet, you my Cousin Skeeter This ain't what you wanted, they been waiting for it I'm Joyner Lucas, what the fuck you niggas take me for (What the fuck) I pull up in a Demon but I kill Satan for it If you want attention Tory you gon' have to pay me for it All these hoes love me but you sucker niggas hate me for it You roll up on me, catch a shot at ya Mercedes door The bullets fly, you recline like a La-Z-Boy All you do is cry, you a child, you my baby boy You call yourself Tory after The Notorious Big (Yeah) Biggie turning in his grave when he hear yo' shit Don't ever think that you could ever come compare yo' shit Little girls and kids only ones who feel yo' shit I skipped the plaques on my way to a Grammy All your records soft and sweet, niggas think that you candy Your niggas really convinced you that you think you can scare me And you got identity issues, niggas think you a tranny, really? (Damn) Tory tell us why you always gotta lie in your rhymes (Why) I know keeping up with lies can get tiring sometimes You not a G and deep down you wanna hide sometimes Staring at the sunshine and start crying sometimes Your real name is Daystar, you been dying to shine And when you sing you kinda sound like you dying sometimes You make the type of tracks that had me feelin' silent inside Nobody take you serious, put all the violence aside Okay, let's talk about your plagiarism that you hate to mention (Yeah) Or talk about the hate you giving to the greats you dissing (Let's talk about it) And that writer who wrote yo' shit still ain't get paid on that "Don't Die" record You should probably go pay the nigga (Yeah, man) And how the fuck you talk about Kendrick when he a legend (Huh) Then go bite the nigga style on your record right at the ending On 4AM Flex 2 minutes and 50 seconds Sound exactly like the Art of Peer Pressure, go take a listen You inspired by the niggas you name dropped Catch fire in the rain, no umbrella to shelter you and no rain drops When I seen you on Flex, I gave props But then we found out you stole Don Q shit from the train stop You thought you were fly 'til the plane drop Ugly motherfucker tryna stunt in a tank top It's no wonder why they used to feed yo' ass with a slingshot You my son, this the last time I'll give you a Ring Pop Sit down, you on punishment And don't get up until you see me And don't even think about touching that TV No more video games, no more phone, no more 3D No more radio or boombox for your weak ass CD Matter of fact, give me your chains back and everything I bought you You a disgrace to this family and everything I taught you I hate to say it son but you make me sick I should'a knew you weren't shit when you came out with a baby dick It's no wonder why you pay for pussy Tory you think you slick All you do is lounge around the house all day like a lazy prick Shit, highly disappointed in you son, I need some answers How come you couldn't follow in my steps and be a dancer? Or maybe write a book like me or be somebody's grandpa Instead you wanna be a fucking rapper with some hair plugs No more rapping, give me your pen and paper No more lying to the people on how you the biggest gangster Now hurry up and get your juicy out the refrigerator You going to bed at eight o'clock and not a minute later No, I don't wanna hear it No, let this be a lesson Close your mouth and go into your room like I suggested I'm a get real Joe Jackson in a second Matter of fact, give me your toys, I'm adding that to the collection I just did a show and got it lit ya little nigga And my freestyles killing your originals nigga Couldn't name a bitch I couldn't get ya little nigga You a rebound, even Scottie Pippen know nigga You ain't from Toronto, put that on the Bible I put six hollows in your Ferragamo Nigga, you from Brampton, go spin the bottle Bitch I'm from New England, me and Brady in the El Dorado Now come get on my level, I'm hard as metal I bomb the ghetto, I brought the shovel I bury all of you little ninja turtles You Donatello, you soft as jello You must be gone off that Amaretto It's hard to tell 'cause you soft as pillows You fucking midget, I call you Willow I throw you out a fucking car window I step all over your Margielas, you caught feelings Yo' heart spinning, my bars illing I'm Bob Dylan, I'm John Lennon, I'm authentic Your bars running no off limits Don't talk business, don't talk, listen I'm off this so you fuck this you fuck! Nigga

What, nigga Fuck out my face nigga Ayy nigga look We gonna get one in, pause Let's not, let's not do this back and forth shit no more I, I think we know what's up, you know Ha ha ha, Joyner

north of Altadena

When I first reached the high-mountain campsite, it was just me and the host. He was in Ranger digs but his badge said volunteer. He was a troll, or as close to a troll as any person I’ve ever seen. Looking up periodically from the book I was reading, I’d find him lurking behind a tree, his car, or the cinder-block outhouse, facing my way but never really making eye-contact. He’d ignore hikers clearly in need of guidance but then harangue anyone who managed to track him down with a stump speech about his ‘hybrid’ religion, which boiled down to him mentioning, repeatedly, things like heaven, and heavenly father, and Jesus. Talk of how all religions contain the golden rule. Praise of a life lived in virtue, warnings about one lived in sin. An email newsletter for his non-profit. He’d address men as ‘brother’ in what seemed to me an unconsciously racist manner. He was an Internet troll come to life. He even looked like a troll, all chubby and red-faced, his hair so blond it was almost white. After the first day, I learned to simply walk away from him whenever he got to talking. I felt bad about treating him like that, but I had recently started practicing being conscious and respectful of my own time - even if it meant hurting a few feelings, here and there. The site next to mine was occupied when I crawled out of my tent on the morning of my third day. A couple of attractive girls. A few cool dudes. I helped them get set up. We became friends quickly. The drugs we’d brought soon became communal property. Except for the troll stopping by randomly every couple of hours to remind us of rules we weren’t breaking, the day progressed smoothly. Things took a turn when one of the girl’s boyfriend showed up with a sack of cocaine in one pocket and a handgun in the other. A bunch of us were enjoying an early evening campfire, laughing and telling stories, sparking blunts, snorting lines, sipping beers. A cellphone was playing upbeat music. “Hey, man,” the campsite host said to me, yelling over from the road before walking uninvited toward us. Someone grabbed the bong and hid it from view. “I’d like to talk to you about what we spoke about yesterday, about the futility of existence.” I stood up and headed him off a dozen feet from the paraphernalia-strewn picnic table, enduring his sophomoric rant for long enough that my beer got warm. He kept looking past me while talking, staring at the bikini-clad young ladies dancing near the fire. As soon as they realized he was watching, they put on shirts and sat down in a protective huddle. I eventually removed him by backing away from him until we were standing next to his tent. After the third such intrusion into our friendly congress, the boyfriend said, “If motherfucking Bobby Hill comes over here again for no reason, trying to creep on my girl and her friends, I’ll… fuck… I’ll kill him.” I glanced over at the troll and couldn’t help but laughing out loud - his resemblance to the son in TV’s ‘King Of The Hill’ was uncanny. The boyfriend had arrived drunk that morning and hadn’t stopped drinking, since. During a dinner of burnt sausages and cold beans, he had placed his automatic pistol on the table in front of him. The sun was just starting to set when the mountain above us caught fire, blocking our only exit route. We had enough water and food to last us for a couple of days, and our campsite sat near a running stream in a moist hollow. This knowledge, and the stupefying drugs, calmed our fears. Often, when fire destroys a region’s upper vegetation, its fauna escapes the flames by heading downhill. Soon, the underbrush around us was thick with small animals, rodents fleeing and snakes crawling past us, headed for the nearby stream. Then, the animals got bigger. We saw a desert fox. A small herd of deer. A mountain goat. The rising plume of smoke caught the sun’s dying rays, scattering them downward to bathe our campsite in a fading, ethereal glow. “I hate to break up the party, but everyone has to get ready to evacuate,” the troll called over to us from the road, adjusting the straps on his oversized hiking backpack. Pots hung from it, clanking loudly. A radio sat at his waist, crackling. Although there was still light in the sky, his headlamp was turned on full blast, causing those of us facing him to wince. “My friend just texted me that the only road out of here is blocked, bro,” the boyfriend said, yelling drunkenly over his shoulder. “So relax. Nobody’s leaving here anytime soon.” Bobby Hill stood there for a moment, shocked. “I said get ready to move out,” he hissed through clenched teeth, his voice shaking with rage. He stepped over the rocks that bordered our campsite. As his light played over the ground in front of him we could see that his hands were balled into fists. The boyfriend fluidly shifted position to face him, picking up the pistol in the same motion. He fired three shots, two of which hit the troll in the torso. Bits of cloth shot from the backpack as the rounds exited Bobby’s body and kicked up tufts of dirt on the embankment behind him. Before any of us could speak, a brown bear came crashing through the underbrush near the cinder-block outhouse. The apex predator turned our way and focused in on the troll, who was stumbling backward, geysering blood, and making a strange, burbling, screaming sound. Behind the bear came two cubs scampering. She hit Bobby in the chest with a massive paw, knocking him clear out of his backpack, then pounced. As we ran for the nearby food pantries that were big enough to fit a full-grown human and strong enough to resist a bear attack (according to the manufacturer’s sticker), she started to chew his face off, throwing chunks of meat back at her mewling cubs. In the shelter next to mine was the boyfriend. He was breathing heavily but didn’t seem too upset. “Is everybody alright?” he shouted, once the sounds of dragging and snarling had stopped and the night had once more grown silent. I cracked the door to my shelter and peered around carefully. “I think we’re good,” I said. “As far as I can tell, she’s gone.” The boyfriend crawled slowly from his own pantry. “This shit stays between us, right?” he said, getting to his feet and wiping dust off of his pants with the hand not holding the pistol. The troll’s backpack was still there, but his body was gone. The boyfriend followed the trail of Bobby’s blood with a tactical flashlight attached to his sidearm. It led downhill, disappearing into the stream’s gloomy, gathering shadows. We looked at each other, then shrugged. “All I saw was the bear attack,” I said, whereupon the boyfriend tucked the pistol into his waistband, threw his arm over my shoulder, and walked me back to the picnic bench. “I knew you were the homie,” he said to me. Everyone had a good laugh as we cracked open fresh beers and the boyfriend cut up thick lines of blow. Then he stood, gathered up the three spent shell casings, grabbed Bobby’s backpack, and spent the next hour carefully burning every bit of it and its contents in a distant fire-pit. “As long as we make it out of here alive,” his girlfriend said, “you guys wanna do this again, uh, next month?” I was the first to nod. [This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental.] ​ © JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥