me, after reading vol 1 of sv and learning i cant legally put sqq on a horse; this sign cannot stop me bc i dont know how to read!!

i’m gonna be a thousand percent real w you guys for a min, its gonna be under a read more, and it revolves around fears and pains and scary medical things and g/ov3r/nm3nt bullshit and stuff which is uhhh destroying me mentally and physically ig ahahahhaa

so like as some ppl know, when i was leaving work late nov/early dec of 22, i fell and injured my ‘leg’, it was a few days before i turned 26 and i couldnt get a doc appt in time w a real doc, and ofc bc i was on the male parentals insurance and it was based out of texas despite US being in california, i got completely fucked over bc they didnt want ro cover shit and i had to argue with them til almost the very end of december or so just to see a nurse practitioner who didnt know wtf she was gonna do, and refused to listen to me when i said i was not going to have insurance in a week. i cannot afford any expansive anything right now and anything that i have to do needed to be done before the end of december. all she said was ‘i hope you get better then, but they will call you when they feel like it.’

its been over a year, im still not better, because i was not clocked in at the time, and was injured in the parking lot, hr already said they wont cover it. even if i was only at that location (not my home location) for them, i was not clocked in and therefore they hold no responsibility, and the parking lot had no cameras anyways. its all just word of mouth so. i got fucked there too. C/alo/ptima has been fujcing useless and wont even send me my new insurance card so i can get a new regular pcp who will refill even just my fucking inhaler because the guy they gave me refused to even refill that.

now, when ive gotten the leg scans, they cant find anything. they dont know whats wrong. ‘oh youre just fat, lose weight and you’ll be fine.’

breathing shots pain into my leg. and the pains been spreading. ive been getting a little bit of weird treatment at work despite dlat out ignoring and pushing through my pain to please people and that wasnt even enough because i still got some pretty weird ass treatment from some ppl in management despite the fact im not choosing this, and ignoring it makes everything worse.

and ive been trying to push through and ignore it and hope it heels, because the medical system isnt going to help me, neither is the company, and i live in california. i really just cant afford the medical system here anyways.

i think when i fell, it clipped a nerve into my spine, because for those unaware im that special brand of au/tistic who can tell you the exact point of origin of my pain. from tooth pain to headaches to even searing body aches, i can tell you where it starts and where it ends. but i also have a massive pain tolerance (ive had 8 root canals and local anesthesia doesnt work on me thanks to adhd, i can and have had 9 bottles injected in and nothing happened, so i just dont use it and ignore the horrendous fucking pain of your nerves being killed because i dont want to bother anyone. THAT is my pain tolerance level, and i cant tolerate this.)

the pain is spreading to both of my legs, and when i ignore it i end up toppling over. i used to be a hula dancer, professional as a kid, still for rec until i got hurt. i cant do it anymore. i can barely walk. when i force myself into events and shit that requires walking, it feels like my entire body is being crushed the next day, and during the actual day of doing but thats obvious.

i dont know how to take it anymore, nothing is helping, no one is helping me, and even people who try to help me its like the system is working for them despite refusing to work for me. i really well and truly dont know what to do about this anymore. the pain from my spine isnt only in that leg now, its in both legs and keeps creeping to my arms. im obviously not gonna get help from the company, and even talking to a lawyer its a fucking long shot that i could get anything done from them at all since the parking lot didnt have cameras. i already have eds, and this has been setting off the issues relating to it even more. i was meant to get tested for pots before i lost insurance back then, but new doctor doesnt believe women can experience pain at all, and are lying for attention if they admit to it.

breathing is fucking painful, and i dont know what to do. i can just keep doing what im doing and ignoring my pain and pushing through to please everyone because its not like the system helps, but the system is working for others and when i do what they recommend i do it not only still doesnt work for me, but i get threats from it. i dont know if its because im autistic or not, indont know why it works for others and not for me, i dont understand and when i try to get answers all people say is ‘just push through’ but im trying and its making everything worse and im breaking my body more and more by just pushing through and indont want to get kicked off of c/alo/ptima for bothering them too much by not getting answers despite my efforts because i did get threatened and incant afford $250-500 monthly fees from my state if i dont have insurance. $250 is more than i earn a week. jts not like im getting hours at work. and i really just am so fucking broken and tired and confused and done i dont know what to do and im tired of being in pain. i just want the pain to go away. i dont want to cry anymore. i dont want to be confused and scared and alone anymore. its like everythings collapsing down and i dont know what to do.

and to top it all off, the skin welts and lesions that my old doctor was so terrified of me having are back. theyre a symbolism of my white blood cell count, and last time i got them he had me get blood tests every few months because he was worried about my developing leukemia. and everytime it got too high he gave me something to try snd prevent it, and ultimately i was ‘almost there but narrowly escaped’, and i dont know how im supposed to just keep pushing and keep living and keep going it that happens too. especially when incant afford a blood test right now. i dont know what im doing or who i am anymore and its destroying every semblance of who i am that i had left, and i just want to make everyone happy but im not happy. im not happy snd im not getting help snd i feel so defeated and indont understand how other people can argue andnits fine but i do it and i get threatened or retaliated against.

indont understand how if i do whats recommended im misbehaving and being wrong but others can do what they want. its like im a kid again but instrad of being beaten im just getting fucked over medically even more snd my body gets to further destroy itself and i dont know whay the fuck left there is to do. its like everythings collapsing down on me, jm not getting the samw care or treatment others get, and i dont think im going to because i cant keep fighting a system thats going to only verbally threaten me because they wont respond to emails. i cant use recorded conversations in court here. im scared and im tired and im in constant pain and had to beg my old doctor to send an inhaler refill without my seeing him because the new one wouldnt and my lungs were giving out. i dont want to die but it feels like its heading rhat way whether i want to or not because nothing and nobody will help me and when they try they get mad at me for ‘not trying harder’ but im doijt everythint they say and more and its nothing. nothings coming crom it but my suffering. but if i say its not my fault its ‘making excuses’ and injust cant keep doing this anymore. im so tired, and im in so much pain, and indont know what to do.

NANZHU THAT STALKER OMG IM DEAD ahahahhaa this is the cutest horror love at first sight i've ever read, if you ever have the time would you be willing to translate the chapters that you haven't done so i can have a special KoD reading space <3 i love your translations so much.

HONESTLY SAME?? self-plug time i wrote a fic about it. SPOILER WARNING FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO THE END, don’t even click the link/read the summary/read the tags ‘cause they’re all spoilers lmfao. But hard agree, absolutely adorable.

AAA that’s so sweet of you to say ;; Yes I’d honestly love to translate KOD in its entirety! Taida’s TLs are fantastic and well-loved, but i’m just out here having fun <3 A single epub file of the entire text wouldn’t go amiss either. I just won’t be translating those at the same breakneck speed I’ve been doing these chapters heheheh

YEAAAAAHHHH WE SMARTASSES!! WOOOO WE GOT THROUGH MIDTERMS

p h y s i c s ?????? I am. So sorry. i am so sorry you have to deal with physics. that sounds horrible and i would never wish it upon anyone. AND NO YOURE SMART YOU GOT THIS!!! i am cheering you on while also planning on overthrowing anyone who tries jeopardizing your way to the top— anyways. brain = off. mind = everywhere but nowhere at once. and no u.

HHHHGNFNGHHGG I LOVE NARNIA SO MUCH. the entire story was so good and it always made me cry no matter how many times i read the books/watched the movies. not me having the hugest crush on both edmund and susan pevensie....., ANWYAYS YES!! i can totally see what you’re saying with their similar writing styles!! god i love when authors :) and MC is just. Amazing. there is no other way to describe her. i love her to pieces and if i could i would steal her for myself ngl i wouldn’t be opposed- i mean what?

the more i read the more i just want to stop at the A/N right before all the alt endings 😭😭😭 it’s so tempting, because i feel EXACTLY how you feel with going there for the boys but now i’m just so invested in MC finding herself and becoming happy. i want that someday. it’s making me realize how much i want to be a main character and it’s sad BDKSNDS

(also thank you for recommending me this,,, honestly it made me so happy when you made a specific post for me,,, i love it when people send me things bc it reminds them of me or they want me to get into it bc they think i’ll like it like it just warms my heart fbsksndksk) —🧸 <3

HI HI HI UPDATE I FINDIEHD ALL THE ALTERNATE ENDINGS WHILE LISTENING TO THE RESPECTIVE PLAYLISTS THAT THE AUTHOR MADE ON SPOTIFY AND IM REALLY GOING TO CRY?????? AND THEN I LISTENED TO SOME OF THE SONGS FROM THE REGULAR PLAYLIST AND IM JSUT SITITNG HERE ALSO I LOVE DIBA AND ARANYANI SO MUCH I MISS THEM WTF AMERIS HELP I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE THIS FANFIC HAS CHANGED ME WHAT THE FUCK —🧸

p.s. my favorite ending and arc in general was iwaizumi’s. i refuse to comment further

I COMBINED IT CUS I FEEL BAD FOR SPAMMING THE DASH AHAHAHHA. 

and putting it under a read more because this bad boi is long

I still,,, have another midterm. but its okay this one I'm not too worried about LMAO. 

KDSAJFLADSJF YEAH ME TOO IM SORRY I HAVE TO DEAL WITH PHYSICS TOO what kind of dumbass chooses physics as their major? (me, i’m the dumbass) BUT THANK YOU AHAHA. ill fight everyone for you too!!! brain off always, I accidentally posted the drabbles when I was supposed to post them all tomorrow AHAHAHAH. 

NARNIA WAS REALLY GOOD (don't look at my old works tho, I wrote them when I was 15 and bad at writing please.) its very nostalgic and I really want to reread them tbh. they were just so good AHHHH 

DUDE YEAH ID DATE MC AHAHAHAHAH. god. i was so tempted to not finish the fic either but here I am. i want to reread but I don't want to get hurt LOOOOL. fuck the boys we’re here for MC Suzuki. LOL 

and of course!! I really thought you’d like it and I really really love this story sm. <3 

ALSO OMG I NEVER LISTENED TO THE PLAYLISTS..... OOPS. LOL. diba is such a good character and aRANYANI is that how u spell her name idk. LOL I REALLY LOVED THE OCS. I liked her family even tho her mom wasn’t perfect and like, yeah! her mom doesn’t deserve a redemption arc but she’s trying to be better which I fuck with. even the mom knows she wasn’t perfect and that she should've done better. but alas.  

you’ll need a few moments to let the fic settle in. good luck. LOL

I.... am biased and I say suga AHAHAHHAA with oikawa as a close second and kuroo next! also loved iwaizumi too!!! 

ALSO ALSO. I'm in the discord server with the Fly High writer that she has, and I showed her some of your comments (I HOPE YOU DON’T MIND AHKDJG) but she said thank you and that it means the world! it took her a moment to reply because she was dancing around the room, her words not mine! LOL 

i'm sorry for the late response, i was babysitting yesterday! it is gonna be nostalgic i'm super excited! yeah i was gonna say that but i didn't know how to word it, all the kids i've met with overly strict parents have been like that. i've seen the akaashi one, i think theres a kenma one as well! i have an edit saved on ig of alot of fanart of hq boys in skirts that i watch sometimes 😳 i'm not sure why i like it so much but i understand not being into it! when my friend wants me to-🧸 1/3

watch an anime she just spams me with edits of characters she thinks i'll like HAHA it normally works. i used to get pretty girls on my fyp all the time!! RIGHT idk if i wanna be them or be with them! omg akaashi is so BEAUTIFUL 😳 i like hinatas eyes but i really like his hair! i like tall hugs too bc i like to put my head against their chest but i also like hugs with people that are the same height, it depends on my mood! SHORT PEOPLE HUGS they're just,i know they can't help it but 😭-🧸 2/3 ITS JUST NOT AS GOOD luckily most of the people i know are the same height or taller than me. yes i've seen them, they should do one with him! HIS FOREHEAD HAHA honestly same thats why i got bangs 😳 i hope it gets sorted soon as well, its horrible that they couldn't help! :( online school is just really boring, its alright but i definitely prefer public school!-🧸 3/3

it’s okay, don’t apologise (you can see i’m awful at replying too😔)!! ooh i hope you had a fun time babysitting ahahaha

ahahaha yes so have i, especially bc in my culture a lot if parents are super strict and it’s like 👀😗i don’t think you’re doing this right, luv. i mean one of my parents is super strict so i hide everything from him (like i even speak to him though lol😗✌🏽).

yes i’ve seen kenma ones and i’m not sure either why people like it ahahaha but each to their own. aww that’s pretty cute hehe🥰omg my old friend used to send me vids of girls that she knew i’d like even though everytime i’d be like omg THEYRE SO HOT WTF I WANT THEM and then deny that i like girls too bahahahhaa. omg i felt that ‘idk if i wanna be them or want to be with them’ bahahaha

yess putting your head on their chest is🥰and it just feels so much warmer but omg yess😔😔short people hugs are just not it like okay this is the most uncomfortable hug ever😭😭agshsgs i want to see goshiki with forehead he might be like jimin and get super duper hot with forehead (though jimin from bts is always hot ahahahhaa) thank you and yess i’m sure once i get a scan done in a few days they’ll be able to figure out what’s going on hehe. aww i hope the situation gets better soon and you can go back to school. here in the uk school are open again and my local primary school already have a case and my frisnd’s sister’s primary have gotten loads of cases too so online school is just for the best rn

Hellooo 💘 anon :)) I saw that cute comment is that directed to me 👀

Megamind vibes!! I haven't watched the movie for literal ages but I can see it,,,,though I don't think Minho is into that saving people shit ahahhaa it'll probably be like 'urgh god not a g a i n' (oooh enemies to lovers 31k???)

It's 3am rn and I'm trying to get to sleep soon, but I haven't really had time to myself these days so I'm just reading fanfiction huehuehue and yes def go see it and tell me about it!! Also congratulations for being productive you deserved it :)) meanwhile I'm procrastinating so bad I made a cover page for my project master list meant to get my shit together ahahahhaa I do not have my shit together.

And hey I'm a Pisces rising 👀 istg dream you love my placements so much 😌😌😌

- ♏

i've seen megamind within the last year and it's still a great movie !! yes, minho would probably be a little hesitant/relunctant to save anyone lol

and i totally understand, i've been up way longer than i'd need to lately and it's honestly kicking my ass since i'll go to sleep when its dark and wake up and it's dark 😭😭 which i think is stopping me from getting things done—woke up early today and got shit done so i think theres correlation lol

also didn't mention this in your previous ask (im high pls forgive me) but good luck with your interview !! you got this baby i know you do <3

Finally to bring this rant to a close (IM SO SORRY ITS SO LONG DSJHFLDSHFAJD I DIDN'T MEAN TO RANT THAT MUCH) the values I ended up getting were much more accurate and much more reasonable for the lab (even my TA said so and he was wondering why my values were so off in the first place so I explained the whole thing and he said he understood and all) but still the fact that I ended up doing a majority of that lab pissed me off because like... they weren't helpful at all and when they did help it was done so incorrectly that it made more work for me :D

Yesterday severely tested my patience AHAHAHHAA But it also proved to me that maybe I'm not too bad at this biochem stuff huh. Up until the very end she didn't stop baby talking me though so I'm going to make the active effort not to ever talk to her again cuz fuck that man I don't have the patience for it anymore :D

IT'S OKAY AKHDBFN but damn i understand doing all of that by yourself when you're supposed to have others would be horrible

no crys listen you're a literal g o d at this biochem stuff doing a whole four hour spectrophotometry lab BY YOURSELF that's insane goodness

as for her omg just give her wrong data and see her suffer next time or just rub it into her face that you actually were able to get the right data

since school ends rly soon for me (and i dont need to pay attention basically) ive been reading in almost every class so im on ch 490 or so (but i could have been done sooner if i werent so distracted by orv fanfics (yes i read the fanfics before i finish the main work what of it)) uhhh i dont really DO webtoons but the ones im reading are lore olympus (greek mythology got me like), muted (ayyy witch lesbian ot3), scoob and shag (RLY underrated), castle swimmer (gay fish my beloved) and lovebot (mostly reading cause its the same creator as muted). as you can tell i like gay rep thats not the main part of the story lol

ALSKSKSSK AHAHAHHAA MOOD XD good for u!!! 

omigosh ur almost done :00 AND OMG MY DUDE DONT WORRY SAME SAMEEEE DID U KNOW I STARTED LOOKING FOR FICS BEFOER I EVEN FINISHED CATCHING UP TO THE WEBTOON XD i spoilered myself a bit and then i realized belatedly that i coulda just like filtered no spoilers lmao 

OMG YES i read all of them except for scoob and shag, i will check that one out then ^^  

omg greek myth then did u also read pjo before? and muted LLESBIAN WITCH OT3 YES. CASTLE SWIMMER GAY FISHESSS AND LOVEBOT YAY and dw super valid

thanks for the ask!