#abt how my stupid ass uncle has me so fucked up this week
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#csa // victim blaming tw#bc i just want to rant abt this on the internet one time#abt how my stupid ass uncle has me so fucked up this week#this dumb fuck equated trauma bonding to me ''being in love with'' abuser#and also said he could see why my abuser chose me to abuse as if it were a compliment#(like ''ur so pretty ofc he would choose u''was the implication)#also said i have a nice butt after i bent over to get a water bottle from the cooler#he said some other things i can't remember but even our fucking neighbor who went with us#was abt to say smth to him bc he was being such a creep#he knows the trauma i've been through like what the fuck#also this gross fuck cheated on my aunt and after being separated for a few years are reconciling#and this sick bastard wazs hitting on me while she was asleep#my emotions have been on roller coaster mode his comments really fucked me up#and now it's affecting my feelings towards other situations and just has me so fucking triggered this week#that piece of shit#that utter piece of shit uGH#and my dumb ass mom upon me telling her was like#''if i had heard him i would have said something''#like 1) no u wouldn't bc ur a little bitch#and 2) you still could say smth bc ur a little bitch!!!#and god forbid i make a deal out of it bc you know these sick fucks would all blame me#this family's need to protect men even when it comes to fucking incest makes me wanna barf#this man watched me grow up as a child what the fuck#anyway fuck men fuck women who defend men fuck all this shit i fucking hate everything rn
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Apologies if this is too personal, but where are ur guys' parents? Shouldn't they intervene at one point? It seems like ur the only one aware of what he's doing and worrying 24/7 abt him. I fear that ur brother might one day get into trouble and wont be able to get out of it without getting seriously hurt.
to understand everything on why I don’t snitch on him I’d have to start off at the beginning, a brief summary
My mother and father have never married when I was a child and have only been together for 5-6 years out of my entire life. Me and my brother have been through everything together. We were in foster care after a huge physical fight my mom and dad had. They were both doing drugs at the time which is another reason for us going into foster care.
During foster care, we lived with our super religious aunt and uncle. They treated us differently than they treated their own kids. There kids got to sleep upstairs in the warmth of separate beds while me and my brother had to sleep in a cold unfinished basement with only one bed and one blanket.
Our parents separated after that. My mother had gotten custody of us cause she somehow managed to get cleaner faster than my dad. She picked us up and drove us to her side of the family's grandparents' house who I am still super close.
She fucking leaves us there for about a good solid 4-5 months while she's off with her fiance in Montana getting married. She picked us up afterward and moved us to Montana, away from every family member we’ve ever had. My stepfather had turned abusive and abused my mother.
She left him and then 1-2 years later married another man who turned out to be weird. I don’t really remember him because of how little he was involved in our lives. So yeah he left a little bit before we moved back into my home state where I continue to live now. During our time in Montana, our father had gone to prison and served about 2 years. I wrote to him almost all the time but my mother never sent the letters that I wrote to him back. We were there for about 5 to 6 years total.
We moved into this little shabby trailer house where my mom turned complete bat shit and just abused me and my brother in general. She had no job which meant we never had any food. She would threaten to kill herself in front of me and my brother which left my brother crying so hard he puked. She never helped me with any of my homework which caused me to fall all my stuff in middle school.
She was doing drugs at that time too. Hard ones I'm pretty sure. She brought random men over all the time and was convinced that our house was haunted. Random people were over almost every single night. Her so-called friends had literal sex on my fucking bed. She never listened to us. me and her would fight constantly cause of how bad she was as a mother. She never paid attention to us, never cooked us supper or anything for that matter.
Once we were finally taken away we were taken back to our aunts and uncles' house who treated us like we were exactly like our mom. Never trusting us with anything and looking at us like we were unworthy of anything. They thought we were stupid. Thankfully we got out of their house in about a month or two. the longest month of my fucking life.
My grandparents on my father's side got custody of us and we lived there for about a year before our father got to take us to our new home. We still live here. OUr father had gotten a job at many different places cause a lot of them were limited-time jobs but he made good money. HE finally got a job at my workplace. HE was the one who got me the job.
He quit though after a while cause my boss refused to pay promotion for him. TO be fair she really is cheap and my dad worked his ass off every day for them but they really didn’t appreciate him. SO he quit and got a new job which is where he works now.
My father's job requires him to work out of town during the week so he leaves me and my brother home alone.
Ever since we left my mother's house my brother has changed. Its like he doesn’t need me anymore and just won’t listen when I say I care about him.
So a major reason why I don’t snitch on my brother is that we’ve been through everything together. We were always hand and hand and watched out on everything side by side. Snitching on him could break that bond I'm still trying to hold onto. My dad is kinda known for being harsh. And of course, you heard my rants on him. Him telling me that he’s suicidal so he should be able to hang out with his friends in Dad's old car if he wants.
I feel like if I told on him he would never forgive me and or never talk to me again, and I just can't handle the thought of that. I told him that what happens if you get in a car wreck but he only says it's not gonna happen. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried to protect him and everything but he never listens. It’s like he knows how to guilt trip me to get what he wants so that I feel hella guilty whenever I try to put my foot down.
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i’m asking about your dragon age characters
molly i would KILL for u im ur personal hitman now
anyway i said my city now because the entire bioware writing team sucks shit xoxo and i’m so much smarter than all of them but also fully incapable of having a normal amount of ocs for anything (see: the time i made 20 rwby ocs in less than two weeks) so i have. five worldstates here r some assorted thoughts
uhhh so the worldstates r as follows
eira mahariel (two-handed berserk/champ spec), rhett hawke (two-handed berserk spec), alas lavellan (mage knight enchanter spec), romanced alistair/fenris/dorian respectively
shiv tabris (dual wield duelist/assassin spec), radella “rads” hawke (mage spirit healer spec), kat adaar (two-handed reaver spec), romanced morrigan/isabela/cassandra respectively because im a pc gamer and i think i should be able to date whatever video game woman i like because im infinitely better than cishet men
this world state said yeah i respect mens rights. mens rights to shut the fuck up
twins bronson (sword/shield reaver spec) & bryant cousland (archer ranger spec), carmine hawke (archer assassin spec), syracuse trevelyan (dual wield tempest spec), romanced zevran/anora/josephine/bull. if ur wondering how that works my city now and the warden, hawke and the inquisitor should all meet and so they do because i Said So
riva amell (mage arcane warrior/battlemage spec), graham “gray” hawke (mage force spec), hellathen “hela” lavellan (archer assassin spec); romanced cullen/anders and later blackwall because hawke only likes men who will break his heart. hela doesn’t have a romance because she’s literally 20. who let her lead the inquisition (me it was me). also it should be noted the version of cullen i have in my head only vaguely resembles actual cullen because i write better than dragon age writers ever could and i gave him an Actual Cohesive Narrative and he gets bullied relentlessly for being scrawnier than his mage boyfriend
malien “mal” surana (mage spirit healer/keeper spec), jules hawke (sword/shield reaver spec), ash adaar (mage rift spec), romanced leliana/merrill/krem because i should have been able to kiss krem and its a Crime that i am not allowed to
knight enchanter is a Very op specialization and by Very op i mean it makes a mage with their built-in low constitution stats able to solo the biggest baddest dragon in the game on nightmare mode in under five minutes so like. alas lavellan fist fights dragons for fun send tweet
i think lavellans should be able to hit ppl with bricks for all the shit they endure. thus solas gets pranked by mahariel and alas by which i mean they just tip buckets of water onto him from the rookery
kat might be my only competent inquisitor but she did also try to knock out the right hand of the divine and attempt to gap even tho there’s fucky magic burning up her hand so does she have a brain cell? you decide
also its fantasy land and i do what i want so kat has blue/gold sectoral heterochromia
gray “mage rights” hawke is best friends with fenris which surprises literally everyone. their friendship started because they got into a fist fight and then they were like okay i respect u now. hawke is like hey fenris give me ur sword i have a fun trick to show u [uses his sword as a foci to zap carver in the ass with lightning]
i am Always thinking abt like how cullen could have been one man anti-chantry propaganda machine if he hadn’t so blatantly been shoehorned into every game past origins so anyway bioware forgot about a wholeass moon i can write what i like. [holds up cullen by the scruff of his stupid armor] not only are you bisexual you are also a bottom
i also Hate the whole uwu mage haters get fixed by romancing a mage
unlocked secret dialogue option where my inquisitors verbally cuss out dorian’s dad instead of whatever sympathetic narrative the writers were going for cuz its bullshit.
riva is a showoff and a Menace about being as good as he is because he unabashedly loves being a mage and hes like oooh look at me im sexy i dont need to use my hands to cast magic because i’m just that good ;)) and you know what. hes right.
gray, on the other hand, does Not want to be mage. he wants to be a druffalo farmer and retire in the hinterlands and be left the fuck alone. unfortunately he is gay and has one brain cell and terrible, terrible taste in men. ribbed relentlessly for this by riva (altho does he have room to talk hes been hung up on cullen since he was like 13)
shiv is trans n kieran is the result of doing the dark ritual with her wife and he looks a Lot like shiv (dark skin pointed ears, shock-white hair) and morrigan always just Assumed she dyed it or did something magic with it so seeing their kid come out like that was a WEIRD time for her
leliana almost Murdered by cassandra in worldstate 5 because the warden is Actually There The Whole Time, but its been 10 years, mal’s cut off all her hair and gotten full facial tattoos and she’s like “no one will know its me its fine” and she’s right. she gets away with it. only cullen like, Knows, because he knew her before the blight but he doesnt have a death wish n he like. will Not piss her off
shes dalish by birth n she was stolen from her clan by templars and thus is vehemently anti-circle and anti-chantry in general
uhhh the vallaslin (elf face tattoos) of my 4 dalish characters are:
eira = ghilan’nain (chose em cuz shes rlly interested in the navigation aspect of the goddess)
alas = falon’din (god of the dead n he picked them because he’s Also the god of fortune and alas is like tee hee fun but also he can and will kill u if u fuck with him so yk its fitting)
hela = june (god of the craft bc she likes to Make things but june is also the god who taught the elves 2 hunt and hela is. a hunter.)
mal = elgar’nan (allfather/god of vengeance bc. she is Vengeful. she is Angry. but yk fucking with shem politics and fucking their divine is like. mal may have little a retribution. as a treat.) yes she has the full half-face solid colour tattoo she does NOT fuck around.
bronson and bryant r not genetically identical but they Look similar enough 2 anyone who doesn’t know them well enough 2 play spot the distance. anora and bronson think this is a super fun game to play, especially when nobles realize they’ve swapped out the king but they’re too nervous to say anything
eira mahariel has two hands. one is for holding hands with alistair and the other is for throttling elven gods, apparently. she’s killed one before so solas she’s coming for your bitch ass next. watch urself.
speaking of eira and alistair are married thru dalish tradition and humans don’t recognize it n alistair loves 2 re-propose to her with random things. he’ll just pick up like. a bit of cheese and be like “marry me ;)” and she’s like GASP but whatever will the chantry say!!!! all of their friends r sick of them
“vhenan if you love me bring me a sword” “you think i could do better than a sword made out of space rock?” “:)”
eira is my youngest hero at 18 at the start of her game and kat is my oldest at 32 at the start of her game.
none of my hawkes are under six foot. rhett is the tallest (6′8″) and rads is the shortest (6′2″).
syracuse trevelyan would have been the Perfect inquisitor if he were not a pretty boy himbo and a gay bastard who does Most Things just to spite his parents.
[corypheus pointing at syracuse’s visage in his crystal orb thingo] i want that twink obliterated
i love the companions from older games return thing i truly do so i make it a point for Every companion to return in inquisition so the gang rlly is all here because i am a Slutte for found family
i lie in my keep worldstates because i dont want to choose between hawke and alistair during here lies the abyss but i never make him king and every time i play inquisition and cole has the wicked grace line it makes me Scream. alistair baby im so sorry i did this to you but i didnt actually do this to you
yes this is my everyone lives au but like. all the time. i have never left hawke in the fade and i do not intend to.
fuck whatever nonsense about wardens not being able 2 have kids. by sheer divine power (me) anora and bryant have three daughters; eleanor, sabina & cecelia n both bronson and zevran make Excellent uncles because i think anora deserves good things because i’m tired of bioware being like women bad, actually,
so like most of the time i have the warden & hawke turning up after the move to skyhold n then staying on, with the exception of bryant, carmine & mal. mal is as mentioned previously just There the whole time with her girlfriend. bryant steps in as king of ferelden w/ interests in closing the big hole in the sky spewing demons in2 his kingdom yk. carmine shows up because she wants to help & she wants protection for bethany but she outright says she’d rather die than be inquisitor so cassandra is shit out of luck.
“CHANGE HER MIND VARRIC” “she once doubled down on insisting amaranth was a shade of blue because she didn’t want to admit to being wrong. no one’s changing her mind seeker”
alas is the middle child of eight and is thus very good with children and also bossing around people older than him. 2 of his older siblings come to the inquisition when stuff in wycome has been settled
i left ash with the basic canon background with Some variation (he grew up under the qun and left of his own free will when his magic was discovered n he realized he couldn’t take living as a saarebas
kat on the other hand was raised tal-vashoth and has bounced around basically all over thedas and leads her own merc company when the conclave blows up. she also speaks multiple languages. is there a language she doesn’t speak? probably not
just realized how long this got so im gonna like. stop my general rambling now but lmao yeah theres some basics. waves hands.
#sol.txt#sol.orig#long post#late night followers im SO sorry for this#but also like.#i love them so yall just have 2 cope w/ it#no thoughts head dragon age#peonydarling
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hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you
@natcaptor / @gayspaced
name: leon or lionel!
nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!
gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though
star sign: sagittarius!
height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...
time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon
birthday: december 9th!
favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu
favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples
song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams
last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl
when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho
last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me
do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H
do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”
why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!
following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!
followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content
average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though
lucky number: 43 and 64!!
instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs
what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes
dream job: oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim
dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!
favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet
nationality: new zealand, but living in australia
favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime
@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist
APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces
PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality
ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch
HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts
EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts
MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone
RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend
RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year
@smstransformers
age: 16
birthplace: auckland, nz
current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!
drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops
favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite
grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)
horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low
in love: i believe so!
jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things
love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C
middle name: shane!
siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!
one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life
song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands
time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30
underwear colour: blue + purble
vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!
worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage
favourite food: mashed potatoes….
zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!
@alyonian
relationship status:
at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young
favourite colour:
it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace
lipstick or chapstick:
i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former
last song i listened to:
the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is
last movie:
monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories
top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:
i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;
unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage
taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)
tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!
additional favs:
my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software
top 3 bands / artists:
HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is
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@alyonian
color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing
last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts
last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life
last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing
last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.
last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique
last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big
book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber
@victorion
name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™
nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!
zodiac sign: archer man
height: Tall™
language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian
fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)
fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it
fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing
fav color: ornge,,,,
fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS
coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho
average hrs of sleep: too little
fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom
no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??
fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to
fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good
fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again
@thonany-klieme
name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really
gender: male, im probs an nb guy
star sign: sagittarius!
height: 6’1
sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now
lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’
ever had a crush on a teacher: no??
where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate
if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands
what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump
last kiss: never had one
have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf
favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights
favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y
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ok time to collect some thoughts b4 the inevitable gender performance/internalized male gaze/feminism discussion with my mother after i asked her, twice, to not make any comments abt my body whatsoever in the last 6 weeks and her having issues with that i guess
i think what i realized in like the past months is that my mother started telling me that men turned their heads after me on the street or like thought i was pretty at an early age. definitely started during prepubescent times when i was 11/12. and i truly do think she did that out of an urge to like strengthen my self worth probably a need born out of her own experiences of growing up fat with a pretty skinny older sister (to put it very polemically). and bear in mind this was maybe 2 or 3 years after i had that sexual harassment training in 3rd grade that was supposed to protect me from predators. this shit scared me it made me sooo afraid of men. men on the street. men who renovated our house. my cousin. my estranged uncle. nothing ever happened but i was scared shitless of men actually. and i don't think i ever like saw this kind of disconnect at that age, it being a supposedly "good" thing that men find me attractive at 11/12 but also men are dangerous stranger danger oh and the most dangerous men are the ones in your family actually bc i was a child. but right then i was already getting started into being socialized into a sexist pedophile culture that is still prevalent in today’s society
and continuing with that, my mom often told me after i hit puberty how i was very attractive and desirable to men, my breasts, my ass, pretty face and so on. and i also think again, it was a try to improve my terrible terrible teenage self worth (but it didn’t help bc obviously no real life guys were into me. ever. and who believes what their mom says at that age anyways). and i also think it was also true for her. she does think i’m beautiful, she is my mother after all and ofc a mother thinks their child is beautiful. also she’s a very ...artsy person and was always painting naked women bc she thought they were pretty so i do think that she at least thought the comments abt my body also had like an aesthetic justification behind it?
and still up until the second time i told her not to, she continued to make these comments. ofc less frequently since i moved out in general and moved further away in 2019. about my breasts and my legs and how they’re desirable to men. they’re meant as compliments. but they aren’t.
what i realized in the past idk, 1.5 years? is that for the most part of my life i don’t want to be that for men. if i had the power i would make it that most men can’t even see me. i actually detest being looked at by most men. men on the subway who harass me with their gazes. men on the street when it’s summer and i wear a skirt. men on the street when it’s winter and i wear six layers and am mid-conversation with a friend on the phone and they still find a way to interrupt. to let me now they think i’m pretty or hot. bc obviously being looked at by most men is being on the receiving end of an act of violence. insert wu tsang quote there is no non violent way to look at somebody. it’s about a loss of power, it’s about being made into an object for consumption, for their pleasure, for their gain. being perceived by the heterosexual cis male gaze is fucking terrifying 99% of the time. and i hate that i have actively tried to appeal to it because i felt i had to.
and i mean we know the male gaze (shortening it for easiness’s sake, hetero and cis are implied) is everywhere. movies, ads, shows, art. it’s the man behind the camera looking at the woman. the man on screen looking at the woman. the men in front of the screen looking at the woman. objectifying her, robbing her of everything that makes her a person so they can look at her, sexualize her, take pleasure from her.
and i guess we also know that we all life in a society™ so women grow up in this world where they can only perceive themselves through that gaze really (unless they actively seek out other types of media, media made by cis and trans women, non binary people, lesbians, etc.) so this is the way women see themselves. they see themselves through men’s eyes constantly! and it’s always abt the ultimate goal of being perceived as attractive by men. even when there is no man watching at all - insert atwood quote you are your own voyeur here. and to go even further, it is the way women look at other women too. which i guess is the answer to why my mother has made these comments all these years, as well, besides maybe “good” intentions.
but the thing is, i won’t have that. i am not here to be perceived by most men in regards to my attractiveness or fuckability, if i can help it. my body, which i do love even if i sometimes have a complicated relationship with it, is mine. i love my tits and my ass, i love being taller than a lot of the disgusting men looking at me. and on most days i like my face too. but they’re mine! they’re me! and they don’t get access to that! they have no right to that!
and even more than that i also love being a woman. we know gender is a construct, we know gender is performance and well i’m performing for a single person audience: me. and i like silly clothes, i like big clothes, i like colorful clothes, i like my stupid shirts, i love not having a form and then, every three months when i feel like it, having one again and wearing a pair of like, leggings.
anyways i will not have my mother make comments like these anymore. i don’t want to hear that i should wear more form fitting stuff to bring out my curves. her deliberately buying tight tshirts for me. she can do whatever she wants, she can be the bombshell who turns men’s heads and gets off on it, that’s her choice, it’s her gender/life she can do what she wants with that (even if i think that if she ever like truly reflect on her gender performance she might actually have some eye opening moments. on a side not i am kind of tempted to send her the lesbian master doc as well just to see what happens) but i will not allow her to further tell me how she sees me though her internalized male gaze and i will draw consequences if she doesn’t respect hat. i have to, for my own sake. i have no influence on the fact that men can perceive me, i’m not safe from that, but i cannot live life being objectified in the same way by my own mother.
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