I realized the reason 18 by one direction has been stuck in my head so much recently is because I subconsciously associate it with Roadtrip.... guys.....

I think Dream is a dark directioner 😳😳😳

Nine from the angst list and Obi-Wan kenobi?

i would like to formally apologise, nonnie, for the fact this took me fucking months to write. i hope u enjoy <3

obi-wan kenobi + 9) “it doesn’t matter that you stopped yourself - the point is you kissed someone else in the first place!”

Obi-Wan Kenobi prided himself on making rational decisions.

It was probably the only reason he'd survived this far, because it was clear to everyone and their mother that he was also a fucking dumb-ass. Still, his contradictory nature was one of the most beautiful things about him. He meant that he wasn't just a Jedi too, but a human.

And like humans, he also had the tendency to make mistakes.

Most of the time, they were totally forgivable ones - forgetting to put the toilet seat down, leaving his shoes by the door, folding over pages of a book even though you'd brought him like a million fucking book-marks. They were just little things - tiny grievances intertwined into the domestic of your shared lives. You had your downfalls too - like being a terrible cook and never remembering to buy more milk - so you never thought much of it.

This time round, it was a little bigger than a forgotten grocery item or dirty dishes left in the sink.

Really, Obi-Wan had never meant for you to find out that he had accidentally kissed Satine Kryze. In his defense, she had started it - and he'd just let it happen. Part of him wanted to take it to the grave but the other part - the one ridden heavy with guilt and regret - knew that he couldn't. The sooner he told you, the better it would be, right?

Wrong. So very, very wrong.

You'd been quiet at first - painfully so. It was as though your brain couldn't even compute what he'd done. This was Obi. Your Obi. The man who gave you his all and never asked for anything in return; the man who looked after you and cherished you.

"You're joking, right?" you finally spoke. "This a joke. Anakin dared you to-"

"- it's not a joke," he cut you off, blue eyes staying glued to the floor. "I don't know why I did it."

That was a lie. He knew exactly why - your relationship had been getting serious and Obi-Was was absolutely terrified of losing you, whether it was from the danger of his job or from neglecting you for his duties. That, mixed with the nostalgia of what had once been and the fact that Satine reminded him of simpler times, had lead to some sick form of self-sabotage. He knew now that it wasn't worth the regret or the pain; that those five seconds in which he felt young again would never amount to the way you made him feel.

"I can't believe this," you murmured. "And with Satine? It could have been fucking anyone and you went for Satine?!"

"You don't understand!" Obi-Wan insisted. His blue eyes finally snapped up from the ground, grabbing you in a choke-hold. "I was so caught up in the moment but...I stopped myself. I stopped myself, darling, I promise."

"It doesn’t matter that you stopped yourself - the point is you kissed someone else in the first place!" you snapped. "I don't even know what to think right now."

"It was a mistake," he sighed. "It was just a mistake."

"Was it worth jeopardising our entire relationship for?" you quietly asked.

There was no answer. Even though Obi-Wan was practically screaming at himself to say something, he couldn't form a sentence.

"Maker," you murmured. "Do you still have feelings for her?"

Say something, Kenobi. Fucking say something. Anything. Literally...anything. Just spit out. Form a goddamn sentence.

"I..." he trailed off. Nice one, genius.

"Fuck this," you scoffed. "I'm done here."

"Wait!"

Obi-Wan tried to grab you as pushed past him, your arm just slipping through his fingers. He helplessly watched as you stuff all of your important belongings - bank chips and the keys to your land-speeder - in your bag. Could he have stopped you? Probably. But he wasn't, and that broke your heart even more.

"Just...will you just hear me out?" he begged.

"No! I gave you the chance to explain yourself and the minute you hesitated when I asked..." you stopped for a second, forcing back a choked sob. "The minute I asked you if you had feelings for her and you couldn't immediately deny it, our relationship was over."

"Darling, just please give me one more chance to explain it-"

"- no." your voice wobbled again as you cut him off. "I'm done."

Top 5 Video Game Soundtracks

Ok. Let's try this *again*. I had a whole thing written up and I accidentally refreshed the page, so tumblr ate the entire thing, and I lost it.

Destiny 2 There's a reason D2 is one of my all time favorite games, and the music for it is one of those reasons. Destiny 2's sweeping orchestral soundtrack is full of songs that encapsulate that grand, epic nature of the world and conflict you find yourself in as the Guardian. From the mission tracks like 1AU/Forge Ahead , Valkyrie, and Guns Blazin which provide this cinematic backdrop as you fight for your victories, to the epic swelling of the raid bosses where the tension in their first phases is replaced with triumphant moments where the tide turns as seen in Riven of a Thousand Voices or Insurrection Prime (even the most hated boss in Destiny has a pretty baller theme with tons of brass in it as you get ready to put him in his grave one last time after fighting him multiple times throughout the raid). Locations such as the Dreaming City have tracks that manage to encapsulate the mystery and history behind each location. No matter my feelings and critiques on the gameplay or the story, the music in Destiny 2 is just an absolute gift of musical genius. Michael Salvatori (yes, that same Michael Salvatori from Halo) is one of my favorite composers for the work he's put into that series. Favorite track: Journey ft. Kronos Quartet. This is the song that plays after the deafening silence that comes from escaping the city during the initial Red War campaign, where you montage your way through an unforgiving wilderness, powerless, as the city fades into the distance behind you. You've been beaten, your home taken from you, but the music swells with hope as you follow a sign from the Traveler - and you know you'll return to reclaim your city. I highly recommend taking a peek at the mission, as you can't play it anymore, to see what I mean as to how the track absolutely enhances the experience.

Hades Supergiant games - the people behind Bastion and Transistor, two other games with amazing soundtracks - really did knock it out of the park with Hades. This game's soundtrack is a wonderful blend of classic acoustic instruments (Check it out - it's called a Bağlama) mixed with metal and electronica to create a theme that evokes not only the aesthetics of the region, but also give it a modern twist that meshes with the dark, haunting vibes of the underworld that you reside in. Each track flows so well from one into the next, mixing perfectly with each area or character you encounter. And the two musical characters you encounter - Orpheus and Eurydice - add in plenty of musical flair to the game themselves. The motifs present in the songs are called back frequently to make it a coherent, consistent soundtrack, and it remixes so incredibly well. Favorite Track: God of the Dead - the theme for the final boss of each run, this track is incredible. Not only does it reflect the theme of Zagreus in a different key, showing the link between Hades and his son, before delving into this heavy, frantic track that perfectly encapsulates having to fight

Payday 2 There are exactly two ways to play Payday 2. The first is stealth - you won't have much in the way of music as you silently slip by cops, cameras, and civilians to reach your score. The other is the way I play, where you suit up in the heaviest body armor you can get, grab two automatic shotguns, and go to town to some of the best soundtracks in the game. Payday 2 has a unique musical cue system with it's audio during loud heists, where it amps up the tracks in time with what the cops are doing. At first, before you've been detected, you have the Stealth track which is always low and very basic to not intrude. In low points, like when you first go loud and the first responders arrive on the scene, you're in a Control track. Then, as the police gear up, it switches to a higher temp Anticipation Track, and then when the police storm your position, the Assault track. So each "song" in Payday 2 is actually 4 songs in one, that the game blends seamlessly together in order to match the audio with the gameplay. It's an incredibly clever system that keeps you immersed in the tension of the heist even as Bain, your mastermind, calls out over comms with instructions. And it helps that almost all of the tracks are exceptional bangers in their own right, with amped up electronica with great percussion and bass lines alongside rebellious hard hitting metal and rock. But during those assault tracks, there's something satisfying about hearing the build, reloading your guns, then timing you leaving cover to unleash fury with the bass drop. There's a great playlist here with links to the different types of tracks if you want to take a peek yourself. Favorite Track: I Will Give You My All - one of the few tracks with built in vocals. This particular track feels like the exact kind of music I'd see in a movie, and with the build I run in game for Loud stuff at the moment which incentivizes me running face first at bulldozers and cloakers, giving it my all is *exactly* what I intend to do in that game.

Horizon Zero Dawn HZD's soundtrack is full of the same sort of sweeping orchestral stuff that made me love Destiny 2, with tracks that serve to accentuate the world around you. The only reason it's down here at 4 and not higher is because there's a somewhat lack of variety; as a singleplayer story game, most of the music you encounter tends to be in cutscenes, rather than during gameplay. That isn't a *bad* thing however, and over the hundreds, if not thousands of games I've played, reaching #4 on the list is no small feat. The actual orchestral bits pair so well with being able to cultivate this theme of a world full of grandeur, the kind of which you'd see in nature documentaries. The various tracks illicit this feeling of a long forgotten hope, which if you know anything about the plot, ties in perfectly. The music that *does* play outside of the incredible cutscenes add to the world's aesthetic so well, pairing the sort of instruments you'd find people playing in the civilizations you encounter with the environments you find them in. Even the battle music, when there is battle music, is a tense affair; the game incentivizes you to stalk your prey, as Aloy is not a frontline fighter: she's a hunter among predators, and the music matches that tone. Favorite Track: A tie between Aloy's Journey, which provides not only natural sounds mixed with the instruments of the Nora and the underpinning of techno that permeates the story (in addition to one of my favorite musical things where you have these grand sweeping vocals that aren't actually lyrics) and Your Hand of Sun And Jewels, which gives off this sort of air of walking through city streets in golden sunlight, where people dance just a block away and you can smell the fragrant spices of the local cuisine. It makes me yearn and if I listen to it on full blast I can forget that I'm stuck at home for a moment.

Pokemon Heart Gold & Soul Silver Pokemon OSTs hold a special place in my heart because as much as I loved games as a kid, getting started on things like Mappy for the NES (which, now that I write that, really shows how fuckin *old* I am), Pokemon was one of the first things that I basically turned into my personality as a child. Silver version especially was one of the ones that *truly* got me going, as in Blue version I always felt one step behind my brother but Silver was *my* game, my generation. I have extremely fond memories of that game, from the Lake of Rage to trying to beat a ghost gym with a Sentret and it taking four hours because normal types and ghost types are just... immune to each other. But when Soul Silver came out and remastered the soundtrack, it brought back this wave of nostalgia. The bit tunes I remember had been brought to life, in a way that was recognizably Pokemon. Hearing it again brought back the waves of wanting to journey and be a hero again that when the game came out, I was sorely missing. The music in the game is upbeat and chipper, befitting a near solarpunk world that I want to live in. Iconic tracks remain iconic but with a bit of cultural flair, showing that the Johto region hasn't lost touch with it's roots. While it isn't the almighty trumpeting of Gen 3, the nostalgic tracks that are already evocative of nostalgia brings a yearning back for a time when things were simpler and I could just play games. Also, the Rival theme is *rocking*. Favorite Track: Route 26 Theme. Route 26 is also known as Tohjo Falls, the place which connects Johto and Kanto together. And for me, this route represents having reached a triumph and the energy to explore what's next. It's a critique directly against the Hero's Journey's unfortunate end, that they can never go home - the hero here *can* go home, but they choose to set out again for new sights. It's full of the fact that when it plays, you're taking your steps into something new, something bold, and full of new challenges that await you. It is, by far, one of my favorite tracks and the orchestral version brings me to tears.

Song of the Day: Mittens - Carly Rae Jepsen

February 14, 2017 ~I fell for you like crazy, And I can’t get thoughts of you, from me, So give me Your warmest pair, Your strongest pair, Of mittens please.~ I’ve been thinking about this one for a while, and hinting about it here and there. I even refused to talk about it when I was talking about winter songs because I wanted to save it for this entry. This song has become one of my favourite winter-time songs, and through studying it, I still find some interesting parts to note despite my countless listens, and this writing has something I’ve been looking forward to since I decided I wanted to write about it. The date today is important to me in relation to the song too, so extra resonance for me. Woo. Also, yes, another Carly Rae Jepsen song. Have I mentioned she’s probably my favourite singer?? Again, disclosing now to lampshade potential bias. So this song was honestly something I stumbled onto accidentally a few years ago. I forget which song specifically, I want to say either a Faber Drive or a Mariana’s Trench song [possibly both], but I heard it on the radio and was looking for it when I found out there was a variety Christmas CD by 604 Records, to which all three are/were signed by. Aside from that, I don’t know much else, I saw Carly Rae Jepsen, I bought Carly Rae Jepsen. I was in the mood for Christmas songs anyway, so no regrets. The song itself this time around was written by Jepsen herself, with Ryan Stewart. (A great Canadian team for sure, I’m allowed to have pride in that, right??). It was released in 2010 in the previously mentioned album, A 604 Records Christmas, and I believe re-released on a few other compilation albums from 604 as well. Here’s the track. [Spotify] [Lyrics] The song opens with a very simple introduction, one that even I was able to get fairly close to after just a few attempts. Simple and calming is the starting tone this time around, perfectly leading into Jepsen’s vocals, and we can already hear her tone. At first she just sounds tired, as per the narrative, but just a few more lines in, and you realize that she’s actually trying quite hard to keep it together, and her voice peels back exposing forlorn and loss, especially in the closer of the first stanza, it almost sounds like she’s in tears. As for the narrative, in my head canon anyway, Jepsen has just gotten to her hometown, her parents’ house where she grew up, home for the holidays, as it were. She’s been driving for hours, tired and exhausted, probably around late afternoon. After the hugs and greetings with her family, she sneaks away to lie down if only for a bit. It’s there that she starts recounting memories in her head from last year, and realizing how hard it is to keep it together. Most of all, she misses his warmth. She’s lost someone who she’s at least once taken back to this family gathering she’s at now. And although it’s safe to assume it was a recent thing, we only know for sure it was within the year, though specifics of which aren’t actually important to the narrative. Though, Jepsen doesn’t let the vulnerability get to her, picking up the pep and covering her tone as she goes into the chorus. Instead of falling apart and sulking about loss or sadness, she instead goes off saying that all she needs is a spot of warmth. She doesn’t necessarily say that a pair of mittens is a replacement, but that it’ll help her get by, and it’s better than doing nothing. In my canon, she actually has the pair of mittens, either from her former love, or a pair originally meant for him. And she pulls them out and uses them as a reminder of what she had. The line at the climax of the chorus, ~I fell for you like crazy, and I can’t get thoughts of you, from me.~ confirms the story. It’s something about the setting or the scenery, but she’s reminded of a previous love who isn’t there with her this time around. But more specifically, she mentions how intense the relationship was, that it was a crazy thing, and she can’t separate her own thoughts from thoughts of them. But although she misses him, for the time being, she settles that a pair of mittens will be enough.  The interlude between the chorus and the next verse is noteworthy juxtaposition to me. Although towards the end of the chorus, there’s a build up of energy and emotion, the instrumentals here just seem odd. Overtly happy and festive, and not exactly matching the tone from the lyrics. However, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as contrast does tend to highlight as well.  By the next verse, the music reverts to something more simple with more resemblance of the beginning of the track, though, it keeps the energy, especially present in Jepsen’s vocals. As for the lyrics themselves, the narration actually tells a pretty depressing story. It’s now dinner time, Christmas dinner to be precise. An occasion that’s usually grand and festive, with plenty of chatter and family all around.  Yet, Carly is just simply trying to keep it together again and get by. For her, this Christmas dinner is just about survival, she’s trying to keep composed and maintain that she’s doing fine and not hurt, while inside she’s barely holding on. She’s just keeping up appearances, because it’s too hard to talk about it, and she doesn’t want her family to know she’s bothered, or worse yet, she doesn’t want her relatives to pick on her for not being with someone. She relents to herself how much simpler things would be if he was there, and that she’d be able to actually enjoy herself if that were the case. Finishing up dinner, she again recounts her thoughts and feelings from years past when Jepsen’s past love was there to comfort her through the dinner and the talks afterwards. “Little Timmy’s doing so well in school, top of the class.” “Anna’s got a scholarship, don’tcha know?” “Steve’s starting his new business in the new year.” “What are you up to, Carly?” Jepsen’s response is to pretend to smile as she looks down at her cold hands and remember the feeling and warmth from holding comforting hands. She puts on the mittens again, using them as a crutch that helps her steel her composure. She imagines that the warmth coming from them are remnants from him, and that’s enough to help her feel a bit less lonely. It’s now past Christmas eve, possibly a day or two later, but being where she is is almost a constant reminder of him because of the cold she feels now. All she has to help her get by are her mittens.  For one reason or another she decides to go out in the night. In my canon, she can’t take her relatives prodding her any longer about life and careers and relationships. She’d rather brave the cold of a storm than be driven to tears inside. When she thinks no one’s around to hear her, she lets it out. She shouts in frustration or possibly even anguish, she’s upset that she’s been driven to this, noting that this person is able to hurt her so deeply. But that’s also when she realizes something. ~I was wrong; you were wrong to make me feel like I was all alone.~ Carly thinks about what she feels now, and possibly compares to how she felt when things with her love were ending.  The climax of the song in the bridge holds a lot of strong energy and tells a vivid story. It’s also a turning point in the narration. Canon A) Flashback: Carly’s trying to accept the blame for what’s happening, she understands that there are things that could be better and/or mistakes she’s made. While the other person is trying to end things, she’s just taking in the blame because she doesn’t want things to happen this way. She admits to things that aren’t necessarily true, or at least some of the things they’re mutually at fault for. End flashback, and in current time, she’s realizing that some of the things that went wrong weren’t her fault, and she apologised for things she shouldn’t have. She realizes that the relationship wasn’t necessarily as good as she’s been remembering and/or thinking it’s not worth it to lament over, at least not this much.  Canon B) Carly realizes how she’s been since coming back into town. She thought she’d be okay, but as soon as she got in, nostalgia and loss hits her time after time again and again, driving her to where she is now. She’s at her breaking point, when she realizes that it’s wrong of her to be like this. She doesn’t need to feel alone. She’s with family, and at the very least her parents’ love her and wanted her company. Nothing else matters, and it’s been wrong of her to be so hung up this whole time, instead of enjoying herself and spending time with her family. As Carly draws her conclusion(s), the snowstorm lets up, and in her strolling she approaches a playground or park area. The last stanza depicts how Carly has now found some much sought after peace. She’s the one that’s been causing her own discomfort, and she notes that it’s only herself that matters in terms of her well being and success. And that she’s been holding onto something she either shouldn’t, as it’s become detrimental to her, or she otherwise has no reason to keep. Innocently, she makes a snow angel in the moonlight, taking in the brisk winter air. With the outro, she once again recounts how fun and happy she was when she was with this person, that she was crazy for him. And how she can’t keep her mind away from thoughts of him. But that’s okay, because all that means is that she appreciates what was there, and that she’s going to keep those memories because they make her happy. Different than before, however, as depicted by her tone, she’s no longer feeling loss or lost, and she’s let herself go from the trap she put herself in when she started feeling the forlorn. Instead, she’s found relief and she holds that her mittens are enough to keep her warm, and that’s something she has that no one can take from her. That’s the narrative that I see when I listen to the song. It’s a well crafted tale, in my opinion, and quite nuanced. To be honest, As I was writing this, I found a couple of thoughts that I hadn’t considered before, and I’d like to explore, but I wanted to have this done before the end of the day. Either way, this was the meaning I derived from the song. In terms of composition, MIttens is an enjoyable song to listen to. It’s mellow, but has a lot of energy and movement throughout. The writing on the other hand gets a little clumsy at points. A glaring example of such to me is in the chorus, “I can’t get thoughts of you, from me.”. Although it’s easy to understand what’s meant by those words, and it’s incidentally one of my favourite lines in the song, the phrasing of it bothers me, and I feel like it was written that way to fit a certain beat pattern or phrasing, which although is understandable and acceptable, I feel it could be done better. On a different note, the thing I appreciate the most about this song, aside from the narrative, is the wide tones and inflections granted wherein by Jepsen’s vocals. Her ability to switch back and forth between hurt and happy in this song was something I hadn’t really noticed until giving this song a close listening for this writing, and it actually makes me like her more as an artist (is that even possible??). The narrative itself is quite amusing to me, and it makes me happy to imagine. I will disclose that this song does have deep personal resonance with me, so that contributes to my liking of it, and I’ve on multiple occasions even sang my heart out along with Carly, noteworthy being exactly one year ago, but that might be a topic for my main blog. Either way, the great use of tones and lovely storytelling is why Mittens is my Song of the Day for February 14, 2017. Oh, and happy St. Valentine’s Day, I suppose. A bit late, but I secretly want to ask for Carly Rae Jepsen to be my Valentine.   =S