Sorry to all of you who are patiently waiting for the final chapters of my WIP. I’m in the hospital again (developed a hiatal hernia that had me rushed to the ER because of pain and low O2 sats). Now, I’m pretty drugged up rn so anything I write for “Tender is the touch” has a high likelihood of making zero sense. I’ve literally been trying to write this post since yesterday but I keep going in and out sleep and waking up to find I’ve written nonsense.

I’m still struggling to breathe and the new tracheostomy will probably happen soon in the next week or so, before I have the hernia repair surgery. The anesthesiology team are worried that my airway won’t tolerate an endotracheal tube very well, too much scar tissue.

Honestly, this all really fucking sucks. I don’t want any more surgery and I don’t want a new trach. Being in the ICU with its sounds and smells is super triggering for my medical trauma, tbh. I’m so tired and I’m so scared. But I am grateful for my sweet, angel of a nurse who has been sitting with me when she has time to help me through the extreme anxiety and panic attacks. She’s been holding my hand and giving me cool cloths for my forehead. She’s even told me stories about her little baby, and shared photos with me, since I told her I love babies. It’s helped a bit. It’s a good distraction at the very least.

Please send any good thoughts, vibes, prayers or whatever you prefer to send. I need good vibes for better seizure management (already had two tonic clonic seizures since being admitted to the hospital yesterday morning), good vibes for my heart to continue to handle the extra stress my body is under right now, and good vibes for the hernia surgery I’m going to have in the coming days.

Thank god for the cocktail of heavy meds that are keeping me comfy and calm and the extra breathing support I’m receiving now to help with the air hunger.

Hopefully I’ll be back to my writing sometime in the next week or so. I have to remind myself that these hospital stays never last forever. Thanks for all of your continued patience. 💜

(Hope this wasn’t just one big long wall of nonsense-text. lol)

Am I the only one who always turns to reading fanfics when they feel like absolute shit and just wanna die?

(for the past couple months demon!shane ones) Like it’s the only thing in the world that can take my mind of something and sometimes even make me smile. Which then also, at times, leads to me reading the same fanfics over and over again because there’s nothing else in the world that could have the same effect like that.

I mean, I even remember sometime last year the only thing keeping me sane and alive was a Wolfstar fanfic that I got really obsessed over, making me think of other things than death.

So yeah, thanks to all the peeps who write fanfics, I really appreciate you all.

001 Wolfstar

Thanks for the ask!

001 - Wolfstar

When I started shipping it if I did - I started shipping Wolfstar in 2011 I believe.  It’s when I first got into Harry Potter, they were my first big OTP.

My thoughts - I honestly believe that Wolfstar is just one of those ships you can’t not love.  Yes, I know some people don’t ship it and I genuinely can’t see why. They balance each other out.  They’re there for each other.  They know each other deeply, on a level that not many others know them.  They’re best friends.  Sirius illegally became an animagus for Remus.  I just have sooooo many feels for Wolfstar.  I’ve written hundreds of Wolfstar fics and honestly I could probably write Wolfstar forever.

What makes me happy about them - How Sirius could literally have any guy or girl (not that he’s into girls, like, AT ALL) in the school yet he chose to be with Remus.  And Remus really can’t understand that at the beginning, because he really doesn’t feel worth Sirius.  But Sirius makes sure that Remus hears how much he loves him every single day until Remus learns to love himself.  And how Remus can give Sirius the love and the comfort that he never had growing up, Remus literally teaches Sirius how to love, and ahdjhfksh it’s just so beautiful.

What makes me sad about them - Obviously canon events. I headcanon (if I’m sticking to canon) that when Sirius gets sent to Azkaban, Remus is just so utterly broken inside.  Like, he trusted Sirius as a boyfriend and as a friend and he had betrayed them all.  He feels devastated and stupid that he never realised Sirius was working against them.  And he feels empty because the one person he loved more than anything was gone - literally and emotionally.  And after time, Remus forces himself to not love Sirius, to retrain his mind to only think of the fact that Sirius got all of his friends killed.  And while Sirius is in Azkaban, the only thing keeping him sane and getting him through is the thought of seeing Remus again one day.  Remus is the little light inside his head, his happy thought, pretty much the only thing that stops the dementors from sucking out his soul.  And it’s sad because when Sirius does get out and sees Remus again, for Sirius he’s seeing the one light that guided him through the darkness and for Remus, he’s seeing the person who tore his world apart.  Yes, I’m an angst queen.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me - Idk, when they make Wolfstar purely sexual?  Yes, it’s okay if it’s pwp but just in general?  They are so much more than that.

Things I look for in fanfic - I haven’t actually sought out Wolfstar fanfiction in a really long time, but I tend to go for fics that explore them admitting their feelings.  Or them both believing it’s unrequited and then eventually realising it’s not.  Or their first kiss.  The beginning of a romance, that kind of thing.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other - Probably nobody lol.  I don’t particularly ship Remus with anyone other than Remus.  I feel like these two really belong together.  Soulmates.

My happily ever after for them - Them not dying, of course.  Living a long and happy life together, James being the best man at their wedding, them being the best uncles for Harry.  Them adopting their own kids.  Sirius getting horrified at how old he’s getting (wrinkles etc - he’s very vain) and Remus loving him all the same as when they were 13 and first falling for each other.

Who is the big spoon/little spoon - Usually Remus is the big spoon and Sirius is the little spoon, but around Full Moons it’s probably the other way round.

What is their favourite non-sexual activity - Just going on dates.  All sorts of dates.  They’re very adventurous and love to try new things.  But sometimes it’s hard to get James to understand they’re having a date and that this isn’t a friend hangout.  Sometimes they literally have to start kissing before James gets the message and he’ll slowly back away and leave them be.