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writermask-0807 · 1 month

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todoroki touya (dabi) x reader “[3:07 a.m.]”

warnings: swearing, angst with no happy ending (i think?? m not sure 🫠) this is like a. vent, ig, haha. also probably shitty cus it's stupid and unedited and like. three in the morning.

[3:07 a.m.]

when dabi finally slips into your room, reeking of burnt flesh and ash and ruin, you’re already fast asleep,

(the shape of you heart-wrenchingly small under the thick covers, as if you were trying to protect yourself from- his heart clenches. from him.)

but that’s just as well, or so dabi thinks. the hour is ungodly, and he comes home late - later than late, actually, late enough that it’s early. late enough that you probably thought he wasn’t coming home at all, and who could blame you?

dabi is a man that commits arson and felonies on tuesday evenings and grins at the rising smoke and flames. he’s a man that burns to the touch, if he lets you in close enough - an icarus with melting wax wings, forever falling under the sun because some shitty feathers and a twisted ambition isn’t enough to keep him from burning.

but the thing with you is that you don’t mind the smoke or the ash - even if it means you’ll burn from tending to fire.

because you’re selfless and kind like that - you’ve always been, you with your soft healing hands gentle upon his skin (as if you think he’s actually a thing worthy of such redeeming softness, like he’s actually, really good) and your tender, open smiles and your stupid endless patience that never seems to run out even when he doesn’t come home for days, and when he finally does come, it’s to end up shitfaced and bleeding all over your couch, stealing the change on your counter or running hot when you beg him to stay, and -

dabi doesn’t deserve you, not when he hurts you as much as he loves you. but love has made him selfish - if not a little cruel.

but tonight, he promises, is the last.

the moonlight makes soft of your peaceful, sleeping face, and you’re so achingly beautiful like this, no furrow to your brow or wobbling curve of your mouth.

mindlessly, one of his hands drifts up to trace over the plump of your cheek, the bridge of your nose and then your jaw, stroking softly.

his breath trembles.

there are shadows under your eyes, dried tears on your cheeks. all because of him. what else does he need to see to know that this is what he does to you? that this is why he needs to leave?

for a world-muffling second, there is only the slow rise and fall of your chest, the soft lull of your breathing. the cadence of your heartbeat slow and sleepy as it beats against his own chest, thump thump thumping with your every breath.

and dabi lets his hand fall away, makes to stand up. he loves you, but you’re better off without him. this is for your own good, this is for his own good–

your eyes blink open in the darkness, tired and dark and mournful as you peer up at him through the shadows, your pinkie slowly, unflinchingly curling around his.

“stay,” you murmur, and he can hear the hoarse exhaustion in your voice.

“stay. please.” you whisper again, and dabi doesn’t have the heart to say no.

he slips back under the covers, lets you grip his hand tightly like you’re afraid he’ll disappear again, because it’s not entirely false. kisses your forehead, your cheeks, your fluttering eyelids. your trembling mouth.

“i love you, dabi.” you murmur, eyes fluttering shut again.

“love you too.” he tells you, guiltily waiting for when you’ll fall asleep again.

FIN-

#dabi x reader #reader x dabi #dabi x y/n #dabi x you #mha x reader #bnha x reader #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #todoroki touya x reader #reader x todoroki touya #dabi #touya #angst #angst with no happy ending??#i still dunno #VENT BECAUSE MY LIFE IS SHITTY #AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN FUCKING DO ABOUT IT EXCEPT CRY LIKE A LITTLE BITCH BECAUSE ITS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT #again.

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tacitusauxilium · 14 days

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So. Uh…the next couple months are gonna probably be bad with me stressing out with work and such. My whole shift is probably going to be changing—hours and days—and we are suppose to know this week what we all got. So, I’m a nervous wreck since I go on vacation this month and in two months.

My husband, on the other hand, is not holding it in well. They are forcing people in his department to go from 8a-4p to 3a-11a. And we can’t do that since my mom watches our son four days a week, which will now be 5 days with my new schedule. He is only working 8a-11a three to four days a week and his fifth day is always 8 hours. So, we lost over $500 on this paycheck.

He’s panicking, I’m taking my anxiety medicine to just not FEEL anything cause if I do, I’m going to scream or cry or hit something, so we are a wreck. We can’t even do anything for our son’s birthday this Sunday which we planned out weeks ago and have to cancel.

And my mom’s hours and days are being cut—two or three days of work instead of four—so I’m the bread winner and I’m losing my mind. Not knowing what’s gonna happen is causing me to get my period earlier than normal and I don’t wanna leave this place. We just got insurance taken care of thanks to the union, so I’ll save money, and there is no customer interactions, but dammit—I have to take melatonin to knock me out or I’ll be up all night worrying.

So, I’m a nervous wreck and just spotty with talking to people or wanting to do anything. I try to stay at places for more than four years but every TIME I do, something shitty happens. This is the third time my shift and hours have changed in four years since I’ve been here. Just…needed to vent and rant cause I hear it all day at work and I want my days off with my husband and I wanna see my kid and want to come home for dinner—!

I hate playing everything day by day. I just want a life outside of work even if I don’t have friends or anything to do. Just…want to unwind and can’t. I’ll keep you all updated on what the heck happens this month.

#ooc #kiki speaks #mobile post #tw: venting #cw: venting #(it’s been a bad couple weeks at work and at home.#after all the bills are paid and gas for the car we only have a small amount of money #and we have to save money in savings for emergencies #and for Momocon #and at this point…idk what to do #for the first time in my life I’m SCARED about not being able to pay off bills #all because my job wants ppl to quit with these shitty schedules #and day shift gets fucked again and night shift doesn’t)

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flownwrong · 8 months

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expectations (a due south fic)

F/K, 1.5k words, additional tags: first kiss, stupid phone conversations, drama over a duffel bag

I'll tell you what I told ao3:

"My writing hit a wall a while back. To deal with it, I decided I'd write the only way I can now—short fic I can seat-of-my-pants in one day. A piece for each ship/fandom/idea where I have wips or thoughts that I can't make into actual works. This is the first one.

Thanks to @nigeltde-fic for dragging me down with this ship, and generally being a champion. <3”"

Maybe it really is a damn Groundhog Day type situation. Only twice as boring and nobody gets the girl, like, ever.

One thing he never pictured when he thought of the after-fraser-life, which he didn’t do very often, or, well, maybe he did, but he didn’t like doing it, point being—one thing he didn’t imagine was that it would be the same. As in, poof, never happened, must have daydreamed it, off you go, Stanley, play well with the boys.

And, well, it isn’t really a never-happened kinda deal, because Fraser, he just lives in a pocket in Ray’s head now, twenty-four-literal-seven, like friends do, you know, or something close. And what with Vecchio and Stella fucking off to Florida and Frannie doing her thing all while they were still doing the big adventure stuff, between all that it’s hard to not notice the change. But other than that—it’s the same job, the same desk (his desk, The Kowalski Desk), the same bottle in the cabinet above the sink and the same—the inside of his head is the same, too, giving him trouble like always.

more under the cut or on ao3

The way they left things—if that’s even what happened, left things, huh—it’s not what he feared. Not what he expected, either—and it took him many, many frozen-through adrenaline-drunk days to put a finger on it, that there was an expectation. And now back here, it’s like one of those tip-of-the-tongue moments he’s so familiar with, only with that expectation; it circles him all predatory with every lonely shuffle around his dance-apartment-floor and every stupid late night reruns session and every finger of drink he takes with that, and then it wafts away on the wind, leaving him feeling like he missed a step and twisted his ankle. Which is kinda stupid, when you come to think of it, since it looks like all his worst-case scenarios solved themselves and left him with a cushy little offering while he was playing explorer, and wasn’t that what it was all about.

And maybe it wasn’t, because Fraser calls, like he does, which floors Ray a little every single time for reasons he can’t even begin to articulate, he calls on a Friday and brings him up to speed on Dief’s aversion to the nearest Tim Hortons (nearest being a few hours’ trip to Yellowknife) because quote he says it’s cheating and Chicago ones tasted better and frankly it’s insulting end quote and how you pay and pay and pay and how he fixed up the cabin now and the second bed is new and really much better than the one Ray had to deal with up there, he made sure of that (felled the best tree he could find, Ray wagers), and Ray finds himself nodding and humming and gripping the stupid station handset, knuckles gone white, biting his cheek, hell if he knows why, not like his smile could do any damage at this point. “There isn’t a waiting list for that bed, is there?” he says, no reservations worth stopping for. And, “no,” says Fraser, and there’s that expectation, clarion as you please, ten-four, roger that. “Greatness,” Ray says, and hangs up, and does a little shimmy he’s not even ashamed of.

And then Fraser doesn’t call for three weeks, in which Ray is very productive, managing to vent drunkenly at Turtle who looks so unimpressed Ray thinks he actually hears him sigh, pack the bag, unpack the bag, consider terminating the lease, call in with Welsh then come in anyway, chase the latest case into almost three whole days awake and get sent away by Welsh anyway once the Bonnie and Clyde of small-time food truck GTA are locked up, pick up the phone roughly thirty-seven times, put it down thirty-six, and that last time, Fraser picks up and calls out for him softly and he’s too much of a chicken to do it back. Where exactly they tripped in a dance Ray felt resonate in his bones, he can’t guess.

Week four, Fraser calls, only it’s Ray’s doorbell that rings this time, and he picks himself up faster than he would the phone.

“Fraser,” he says first, then swings the door open, “Frase,” gripping his wrists way too tight, “what in god’s name was that—scratch that, don’t say, one thing it was is not buddies.”

“I don’t see what you mean, Ray,” Fraser says, and it’s supposed to make him angry, this far in, only this time Fraser is wrapped up in a soft green-gray flannel instead of the red walking coffin and he has his beat-up bag and the stupid hat on, so even Ray can see through the reflex of it. Fraser tugs gently at him. “Ah, Ray, if you could just let me put my bag down—thank you kindly.’

“You do, Frase, I know you do.” He lets Fraser’s wrists go for half a second it takes for the bag to thud onto the floor—other side of the threshold, damn it—and not a moment longer. “Did you come to stand outside my home and bullshit me?”

“Yes. I mean, not for that, no, but yes, I forgot about—oh, darn,” he says and tugs one hand free to take his stetson off, which is how you know, if you’re Ray, things are afoot. Big things. Momentary events in history. So when Fraser steps one foot in and leans back against the doorjamb and pulls him near—with hands snaking under his arms to land just below his shoulder blades, one half of a hug not yet given, a freakish way only Fraser would go with, which fires Ray up instantly, heat flooding his face like a punch he has to close his eyes against—when that’s done, Ray can find his mouth blind he’s so ready.

“You’re off,” he mumbles, because Fraser is the one with eyes open and he still landed somewhere around where Ray’s lips turn into his cheek, and then only corrected half an inch down, catching the corner of his open-eager mouth.

Fraser presses a kiss there, with intent. “Not,” he says, and then, then he hits the bullseye, fucking A, bingo, job done, you get a sticker—or a mouthful of tongue, because that’s faster where they stand.

“Momentous,” Fraser says into Ray’s hair, some breathless minutes later, and Ray says, “wha—’ and Fraser says, “you said, or rather mouthed, something about momentary events, if my memory serves—well, it must, it’s only been three minutes. I suppose you meant momentous, given the context.”

“Jesus, Shakespeare, come the fuck in, what do I have to offer to get you both feet inside.”

Fraser straightens but doesn’t move an inch to displace Ray where he’s giving him the second half of a hug. “Well, Ray, I didn’t mean to stay, per se.”

Ray disentangles them and tugs at the lapels of Fraser’s really very soft shirt, whenever he’s grabbed those, huh. He blinks once, twice, and thinks about how many bottles he will have to get for that cabinet now, because fucking hell. The bastard didn’t even have the courtesy to rub at his eyebrow, so to him it all makes sense somehow. He looks down and frowns.

“What’s with the bag?”

When he looks back up, Fraser smiles, an honest to god I’m-back-in-ten-foot-snow-and-alive-again grin, eyes kind of superglued to Ray’s face. “Promised Dief to get some of those Chicago donuts, which are, apparently ‘the right kind’.”

Ray steps back, shoves at Fraser’s chest, no way-like, and folds in two with laughter. Fraser looks at him all affectionate, and the absurdity is so familiar it gives Ray a headrush. Or maybe that’s all the wheezing he's doing.

“A bag? A whole bag of donuts?”

Fraser gets this look where his eyes get all liquid and light, and now that Ray’s got the manual he knows that translates to scared and hopeful in downright unhealthy measures. “I didn’t count on being back to Chicago soon.”

Ray can feel he’s doing the superglue thing now, too.

Fraser clears his throat. “Oh dear. Unless—I didn’t mean to presume, it’s only that on the phone—”

Ray cuts him off in a voice that’s too rough to seize the reins of, so it will probably break in there somewhere but it’s all a-okay now, isn’t it—says, “You’ll have to get in here, Frase. I think I’ll want some pants with my donuts, and I’m now in the bag-unpacked phase—uh, anyway.”

He heads inside and hears Fraser shut the door and toe off his boots.

So maybe there was no tripping after all. Just Fraser and his insane moves Ray always learns, dancing skills be damned. Good thing he isn’t Bill Murray—would be awkward to explain this to the girl.

#my writing #fic #due south #jesus i'm so tired of not writing #or writing and stopping one third in because i suck at storytelling or even figuring out my own theme #or writing and hating every sentence #or writing and knowing fast-and-sloppy writing is the only kind i can finish #or being so cringed out with my words once i finish that i can't stomach the idea of anyone's eyes on it #let alone any kind of beta so i cut off the avenues of getting critique and getting better #or writing and feeling like i'm forcing people to read #i don't believe in writer's block but i believe in shitty life circumstances and mental health issues #so there's that #if you read this whole vent i thank you and hope you at least enjoy the fic to make up for it #f/k #due south fic #fraser/rayk #fraser/kowalski

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milf-harrington · 10 months

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where im at mentally these days: my mum hugged me and said im doing a good job and i burst into tears <3

#i mean it was a little more fleshed out than that #i asked for a hug and she asked if i was okay and i didnt say anything so she said something about me feeling like #untethered. just kind of floating through life. and i said yeah. and she told me im doing a good job like. getting through the day basically #and i cried about it because i dont even know why its so hard #and i feel so shitty all the time because i just feel like a shit person like i dont try hard enough with my nephew #and hes so little and so smart and im so awful and every day im worried hes going to stop liking me bc im still learning how to be. gentle.#because i grew up with yelling and a locked pantry and an older sister who had to raise me #so i dont know how to not yell and not escape into my own world when i cant be bothered #and i have really good days and really terrible days and hes not a Job hes my nephew and i want to treat him like my nephew #and it feels so selfish to say im tired and that its hard and stressful and i dont know what im doing #bc my sister has to do it too and she doesnt get breaks like i do #she doesnt get to just decide to leave for the night - and i mean i dont do that but i have the option #and everyone keeps. like. telling me im doing good and im helpful and my sister especially tells me often shes grateful for me #and it makes me feel Awful bc i feel like i dont do enough and that the stuff i DO isnt good enough and just argh #anyway #vent over i need to go to bed its 1am and i have to get up in 5 hours #captain speaks

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aroacesigma · 7 days

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parents are so fucking stupid why is the reaction to your child hitting himself over schoolwork 'STOP THAT RIGHT NOW (angry edition)' and not 'oh boy maybe we should finally see a psychiatrist about all those issues thatve been piling up!'

#ramblings #i hate my fucking life #theyre not shitty parents because im stressed theyre shitty parents for pulling this #ive explained so many times it doesnt help #and yknow what !! actually you guys should be fucking grateful im not doing worse !!!#if i wasnt ironically too tired to cut myself thats what id be fucking doing instead #vent #self harm tw

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newwave-lesbian · 1 day

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#god i'm sorry but i just want to end it #like i cannot wait to go to sleep because everything is so stressful #i'm supposed to start my resume and like a failure i haven't even begun #its all too much for me and i wish i was just forced to do jobs or something when i was younger #so that i wouldn't have to be struggling as much. because my whole life i'v always put off doing work #i think my brain is just defective and i already know i wasn't made for this world and i wanna kms #like its all just building up and getting worse and i'm still on med withdrawal and i feel. ill. and shitty.#not only that but i want to draw but it's just been making me anxious w how bad my laptop's lag is getting w the lag #i need a job so bad i need to get started on my resume i wish i had help but simply put i wish i was built different. lol #i hate talking about it. but i hate my ADHD like sincerely. it makes me the most useless and annoying person alive #and that's just a true fact man i just have zero work ethic because of it. its embarrassing how many of my problems are attributed to it #so i'm just like 'whatever man its just adhd' and then i get all confused when i start suffering from the symptoms because why...#i was diagnosed at like almost 17 and yeah that's a long time to go undiagnosed but uhhhhh i could've actually worked on helping #myself in the ways i needed. but nooooo everything is just too much fucking effort. can't help myself can only wallow like an idiot #everything is too much. i'm tired from doing nothing and i feel like i was fucking failed because what is my problem #and now my motivation is extra lost dude i'm so depressed and i wish i just killed myself earlier #i'm supposed to want to recover but i can't even access recovery consistently because it costs money. so like wtf.#and its like. i really could have my parents help me i know that now but i'm so tired and asking for help drains me more than anything #i've isolated myself just way too much now and yah its become impossible to do anything that exists outside of my room #so now i'm doomed. and i need to start this resume but i want to gauge my eyes out and die when thinking of it #so here i go spending another day procrastinating because m brain is genuinely useless and defective!#vent

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monachopism · 8 days

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being jewish with zero affiliation to israel and rather a generational line of activists for palestine is a hard line to walk and sometimes i wish i could just fall off

#i hate zionist jews i hate i stand with israel signs in my neighborhood i hate leftists who write and speak and act like theyve never met an #actual jewish person in their life and believe that were all genocidal monsters (in spite of our own genocide which i assume will eventuall #flip around to leftist holocaust denial) i hate that people are blaming israeli civilians for the faults of their deeply corrupt government #i hate that i cant say zionism is inherently antsemitic without getting fucking maimed i fucking hate it here the world is on fire just #fucking let me burn #anyways #sorry #free palestine #any other #jumblr #girlies (gn) relating to my vent #bc im started to feel ashamed of myself my culture and my people #and its such a fucking shitty feeling #like i can barely look in palestine / gaza / etc. tag without seeing blindingly blatant antisemitism coming from left right and center #like just say you hate jews and fuck off #i cant look at this shit anymore fuck #idk why im so worked up about this rn i just. btwn weeding out all the zionist blogs i didnt know i followed and just being so fucking-#and weeding out all the antisemitic leftist blogs i didnt know i was supporting its all just crashing down #im so fucking tired #and im so fucking tired of having to defend myself any time i talk about the jewish experience in any of this #and im so fucking tired of people equating judaism with religion only #and im so fucking tired of the double standard of also equating with only one race #like there arent jews of every race #the reason you cant see any of this shit is because nearly a century later were still dealing with the aftermath of the 6mil person murder #were always at the cross roads of some ridiculous double standard or the scapegoat for when things are going badly #like fuck i just #dont want to have this fucking identity anymore it makes me a walking talking breathing living fucking target #idk what to do I'm just #desolate

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purpleartrowboat · 8 days

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im not allowed to be happy for more than a few fucking days in this stupid ass house with this fucking family am i. all because my moms therapist just tells her how shes soo good and she doesnt fucking Deal with her anger issues and now she fucked up my brothers and half of my problems would be solved in my parents didnt decide they wanted 3 fucking kids in a two bedroom house im so sick of this everytime my life gets better they have to rruin it howam i supposed to deal with this what the fuck can i do

#zylo's posts #vent #im so fucking sick of having to deal with everything just because i happened to be born first do this do that sorry you have to deal with y #ur brothers you have babysit today oh well you leave dishes in ur room so who cares if the brothers side is a pigsty #ONLY PLACE I CAN BE ALONE IS THE BASEMENT OR THE BATHROOM god i wish i lived with my gfs her parents are so nice and their ramilies actuall #functional i hate this stupid life i have just because of my parents shitty planning #when my brothers act out they rush to diagnose them but when i do its funny or iI NEED TO FIX IT #im so fucking tired 😴

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gods-favorite-autistic · 23 days

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Ah manic energy making me seem productive for a few days before a shitty mental health crash, I’d hoped you were dead

#I can’t even be happy about the productivity because it’s gonna end up shitty anyways #I’m just gonna hope it doesn’t leave me too tired for my spring show next week #see like it sucks because there’s no bright side or silly little jokes to be made about whatever the fuck does this to my brain #like with my autism I can make silly little jokes and jabs at it to lighten the load #with this i literally don’t even know what I’m dealing with beyond a suspicion of bipolar (maybe) there’s nothing fun to find here #always great to be in dance and energetic and happy and shit and then realize why you’re like this right now and be like shit #this ain’t gonna last for long will it #anyways haha silly little funny jokes right guys #sorry this is very venty #I’m just so fucking done with this shitty ass brain making my life shitty #vent post #vent

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puzzlekinq · 2 months

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cant sleep because im seething with anger

#been laying here for like 40 minutes fantasizing about finally snapping and telling my mom everything i really think and feel #if i ever came out to her she would end up cutting me off like she did to my aunts and uncles and cousins #basically im alone and my parents and siblings are the only family i can be in contact with right now and its isolating #off topic but yeah #i miss having a big family and people besides my parents that i could rely on. people i felt like i could actually breathe around #idk. whatever #why do i feel responsible for her actions all the time. its been my job to keep her stable and listen to her vent for years #but i never say anything about my own feelings. because she would make me feel stupid and ridicule me. lol #all she does is make me feel like shit most of the time. shes always in a bad mood and shes always whining and always pessimistic #and yeah i get along with her for the most part but lately her attitude has been weighing on me a lot. i cant criticize or disagree with her #because she'll just get mad. shes always been an angry person. thats why i hardly spoke to her from ages 10-15 #maybe i jsut wanted to give her another chance. maybe i felt sympathy for her. shes had it rough her whole life #but when shes still bitter no matter how many times i comfort her and let her vent and cry to me and when she chooses her husband over me #every single time he fucks up (which is like. constantly) and always takes his side when they inevitably make up after a huge fight #it feels like i'll never be able to make her happy. it feels like i should stop trying. if she wants to be full of hatred #and have a shitty husband then fine. i cant fix her like and i cant hold the weight of her mistakes #*life

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scringee · 2 months

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This is the only way to express how I'm feeling

#i try not to talk about my home life on here but im honestly so fucking frustrated that if i dont get this out i might just kill someone #my family car broke down in January of this year #my father refuses to get a new one because he thinks hes saving so mucj more money and he doesnt feel like he has any incentive #acting as if he was giving us free trips #i would literally pay him 100 dollars a fucking week to help take me in and out of work #and he just doesnt like acknowledge that at all #so now im having to take ubers to and from work every day. each trip is like 20+ dollars so that 40+ dollars a day five days a week #im averaging spending 200 dollars a week jusy to get into work #and i work a minimum wage shitty fucking job so all of my paycheck goes straight into ubers and fucking therapy every week #ive had to skip so many sessions becaause theyre all 50 dollars after insurance #and im just so frustrated #i want to move out so bad but how can i save enough if im constantly hemorrhaging cash #the only reason hes saving money is because he fucking works from home #i just dont know what to do at this point i feel so helpless #becayse even if hou casually bring it up my dad immediately assumes youre ATTACKING him and how DARE you and im tited im so fucking tired #how am i meant to move out in these conditions #how am i meant to do anything #i have no fucking social life because i literally just cant afford it im going to cry #i hate him. i hate my dad so fucking much #vent #ig.#scringee mouth

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scoreplings · 3 months

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it is just that i have been telling myself allll the things to calm me down (theyre just like that because they're sad, it has nothing to do with you, you know its wrong dont let it affect you or they win, etcetcetc) for twenty fucking years and i am SICK of it. but there is nothing i can do to stop people who have more power than me from using it to harass insult and injure me so i just have to take their shit and pretend i like it. awesome.

#sorry for vent posting i in fact find this deeply embarrassing on my part but my bf can only hear it so many times & i have no friends. so.#anyway the guy inspiring this is currently openly ignore multiple safety rules while operating heavy machinery so i hope he flips his ride #and cracks his skull open 👍 but realistically he will not.#and i can't walk out or tell him to fuck off because hes my boss. so i have to sit and listen to his shitty misogyny and bullying for eight #whole hours of my life. working a section i'm not even supposed to be in and haven't been trained on.#and trying not to cry or get openly mad because for some reason me getting angry when im disrespected is worse than the disrespect.#i need to find a new job. but nowhere else around here pays as much and i'm barely getting by as it is.#and i'm supposed to get a promotion soon where i'll technically be in charge of most of the people who are shitty to me (but not this guy #in particular)#but im like. what will that fix. okay so i have power over them now but using it in any way to negatively affect them would just make me th #asshole. most of them aren't any better off than me they're just dudes so they feel entitled to mistreat me.#the culture here is fucking rotten and i can't fix it on my own.

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daz4i · 4 months

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suicide and general negativity ig

i hate that english doesn't have a good word for מיואש (filled with despair. hopeless? ig) bc this is how i'm feeling fr

there is just. nothing good. and there is so much bad - both BAD bad bc of the war but also mundane bad bc yknow, Life - that i'm getting so overwhelmed i can't handle anything

my whole month is filled with medical shit and there's probably gonna be even more bc i need more tests and they're all just. such a pain to do (it sounds whiny but genuinely i can't handle them. just thinking abt them makes me so anxious bc they all require lots of painful preparation, sometimes for a few days, and they're so gross and require being poked with needles which my medical trauma certainly isn't helping with. and even tho i did so many already they can't find shit and i'm so tired i'm so done with this body

and like. it'd be one thing if i wanted to live. if i wanted to make my life better or thought it was possible. but by now i know it's not and i know i won't so it just becomes infinitely harder. like if i compare life to being in prison, it feels like the warden decided to torture me just for fun to make it even worse

but there is nothing good there is nothing to look forward to bc everything is shit and nothing's worth it and i hate when ppl tell me to enjoy the little things bc there is nothing to enjoy about them either. i can't have most of them anyway. i wish i could. but this shitty ass body and fucked up brain won't let me

there is no future for me i know i'm never gonna amount to anything when i can't even do the most basic shit about being human, literally how am i gonna be able to fulfill my """"potential"""" when i can't even do stuff like eat or sleep normally. when i can't go outside. when i can't handle being around people. when my body crashes and burns after standing for a few minutes or walking for more than a couple hundred meters. what even IS there for me to achieve in such a state. the only win i can have is getting out of bed and it doesn't feel like a win because i don't. want. to live. i have fucking professionals, people getting paid to help me do at least some of these things, and i can't bring myself to even take the first step bc just thinking about it makes me clam up so bad i can't move or talk and everything starts hurting so much more

there's not even. mundane fun. or joy. bc no one i know has time or energy for that. bc that's just what being an adult is ig. not that there's much to do in order to have fun anyway. like i said nothing to look forward to everything is so shit and nothing actually brings me joy anyway and it's not like i can handle being around people enough to help with that

i was not meant to be alive i am not designed to exist and like at this point I'd assume my who knows how many near death experiences may have been the universe trying to correct the mistake that is my existence and for some reason not managing to pull through the final stretch

i'm so tired i'm so done with this i wish i could be killed in some certain quick way bc i can't. i can't handle any of this. this is too much

#vent #a very long one. because. i am doing very bad rn 👍#i am in the trenches as they say.#suicide //#what if i take a bunch of pills. ik i'm just more likely to throw up then get hospitalized but man :/#my body is so fragile yet so resilient at the same time. it can't handle anything but it survives through everything #man i'd ask for help rn but idk what even could help me rn. other than being killed i mean #already took a clonex and i can feel it fighting for its life to calm me down but unfortunately. my shitty brain's shittiness is stronger #anyway sorry for all the negative bullshit it's been a bad week and it's gonna be a bad month #january usually is honestly.#i mean last year i met [redacted] and they did make me want to live but! that lasted a month. so. no more will to live for me 👍#sorry for the even more negativity #trying to keep it contained to one post at least to spare your dashboard more bullshit later tonight #...i want to know ppl don't want me gone tho. maybe. idk if that'll help. but. ugh idk how to ask for things sorry

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