#Truly a guy you go to a corn maze with only to get separated from him. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thebrideofmunson · 3 years

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Pink Promise

Pairing: Dean Winchester X younger sibling reader(not in an incest way)

Summary: Dean is there to help his younger sibling after they have a nightmare

Words: 2211

Warnings: fairly angsty, but still very very fluffy, a detailed nightmare, mentions of John Winchester’s parenting style, bad writing?, like one cuss word, a tiny tiny bit of gore

Note about characters: in the present scenes the reader is 16 and in the flashbacks they’re 6 and the reader and Dean have like a 13/14 year age gap so he’s like 19/20 in the flashbacks, there isn’t any gendered terms for the reader so it’s neutral(unless you count hair being braided as a gendered term, but boys can have braided hair cause gender isn’t real), and finally this takes place in season 5

Dean woke up, not for any purpose, just one of those weird moments where you randomly wake up in the middle of the night. He shook his head and began fluffing his pillow, stopping when he heard soft crying.

“(Y/N)?” He softly called out.

You were laying with your back facing out and your face squished into the musty cushions of the small motel room couch, a failed attempt at muffling your cries.

“Y-Yeah Dean? Something wrong?” You tried to play it off.

“I was gonna ask you the same thing. Were you crying?”

When you guys first got your room Dean cursed the streetlight right outside the window, but now he watched how it illuminated you as you dropped your head down.

“Nightmare?”

You looked up and made eye contact before slowly nodding a yes.

“Think you’re gonna be able to go back to sleep?”

You dropped your gaze again as your face screwed up and you could feel new tears form on your lash line.

“No.” You softly croaked out, barely audible over Sam’s snores.

~Flashback~

You couldn’t breathe, too focused on staying quiet to risk opening your mouth. Once the sting in your eyes and the back of your throat calmed down you went back to sleep.

“Sammy?”

You screamed out running through an old grey house.

“No no no please no!” You heard him scream somewhere you couldn’t find.

“Sammy!” You huffed before taking off running down the hall you came from.

As you ran around the house you felt small and helpless, like when you got separated from your brothers in the corn maze at the pumpkin patch in Iowa, the one Dean took you to without your dad knowing.

“Dean?” You desperately called for your brother as your feet pounded against the floor.

Completely unaware of your surroundings you ran, the only thing on your mind was finding your brother. Not paying attention to your surroundings you tripped, your heart raced knowing how your dad always got on you for that. You got up and looked down to see what sent you flying to the cracked floorboards.

“Dean!” You screamed

You woke up again, heart pounding in your head and toes. You stopped gasping for air when you felt your dad roll over next to you, holding it in again to stay quiet. Collecting your moose and your blanket, the one you got in Oregon when you were 3 and have refused to sleep without ever since, you slipped off of the bed as silently as possible. Your dad and Dean were fumigating a house in a fancy neighborhood so the only hotel available was a little nicer than your usual moldy motels. The vinyl floorboards stayed quiet as you snuck over to the door that joined your brothers’ room to you and your dad’s. You glanced at your brothers sleeping in their beds before moving their jackets off of the chair that sat in the corner. Dropping your blanket on the floor you traded it for the two flannels that were under their jackets and curled up into the chair. Once you were comfortable you finally let the tears flow, crying softly at first and burying your face into Mort the moose as your chest heaved more and more with the weight of your cries.

“(Y/N)?” You heard Dean call out in confusion as he shut the drawer of his nightstand.

“S-sorry for waking you up.” You tossed off the flannels and picked up your blanket, heading back to your proper room.

“No, no, hey, hey, come here.” Dean moved over in his bed and opened his arms, lightly flicking his wrist to call you over to him.

You gingerly padded over to his bed and with a little effort jumped up.

“I’m gonna guess it wasn’t growing pains that woke you up.” Dean chuckled.

“Ok, I’m sorry, bad timing. Now come on peanut, stop giving me that face and come in closer.” He said shifting so he could comfortably open up his arms for you.

You still continued to pout, but scooted into his embrace until your body felt lighter.

“Sorry.” You quietly mumbled, it came out kind of funny because of how your cheek was squished against your brother’s chest.

Dean pulled back and nudged your chin up, signaling you to make eye contact with him before resting his hand on your shoulder. His comforting softness melted away as he turned dead serious.

“Listen to me, do not ever and I mean ever apologize to someone because you’re upset. Ok?” He searched your eyes waiting for an answer, which you gave him with a nod.

“Now tell me why someone broke into my room and stole my favorite flannel.” And just like that Dean pulled you back into him and your softy of a brother was back.

“Dad yells at me when I don’t sleep and when I cry and when I ask him questions, so I came in here to cry” Even your big brother’s arms couldn’t shield you from the sadness that entered your body.

“Well I’m not dad, neither is Mort the moose, and neither is Sammy.” Dean started.

“Sammy snores now, he’s old.” You shot Sam a dirty look even though he was dead asleep.

“Yeah Sammy is old now, he drools too.” Dean joined you in giving his younger brother the stink eye. “Now tell me, what has my peanut so upset?”

“Nightmare.”

“Nightmare? Do you wanna talk about it?” Dean began playing with your hair as he awaited your response.

Staring up at your older brother’s face you thought about it.

“No.” You wanted to say what happened, to get it out of your mind, but you didn’t want to tell him about how you saw his still body covered in blood with his stomach in shreds.

“No? That’s okay.”

You guys sat quietly listening to the traffic outside and Sam’s snores. After a while Dean assumed you had fallen asleep, but just as he shut his own eyes your little voice stirred him.

“D?”

“Mm, yeah (Y/N)?’

“Are monsters real?”

~Present~

Dean watched you hang your head again before scooting to the side and opening up his covers.

“Wanna talk about it kid?”

Even in your sad and scared state a genuine smile broke out across your face, it was small, but still genuine. Without responding to your brother you kicked off the soft blanket that you had fought Sam for and walked over to Dean’s bed. Since motel beds are always oddly tall you had to do a little jump to get onto it, shooting a quick glare at Dean for being clearly amused at your struggle. Tentatively Dean opened up his arms to you and you awkwardly shuffled in until your head hit his shoulder and you instantly melted. The both of you sat there without a word, wondering what the other was thinking, unaware that you were both thinking the same thing. You thought about how long it had been since you two laid like this, both of you becoming aware of how long it had really been since you showed each other affection and comfort, and how after all of these years you two felt so natural. Neither of you took into account how the other’s muscles softened, how the past few years of Azazel, the door to Hell, your dad’s death, Sam’s death, Dean’s death, demons, vampires, and vengeful spirits all released from your guys’ bodies. For the first time in months neither of you cared about Lucifer or Michael or any other dick with wings.

“Hey Dean.” You finally broke the near silence.

“Yeah?” Your ear being pressed to Dean’s chest made his voice sound deeper and you could feel his jaw move against the top of your head.

“Do you remember when I was super young and we were staying at that nice hotel in Seattle and I had that really bad nightmare?” You slipped the comforter under your brother’s arm so you could fidget with it.

“Yeah I do actually, but how the hell do you remember it? You were like what, six? So that means it was ten whole years ago.”

“I don’t think I would remember it if it wasn’t the start of the recurring nightmare I always have.” The first part was a lie. That night had been the first time you ever truly felt like you had a family, the first time you had felt comfort in your life. You could never forget that.

“Oh.” Dean began to play with your hair, taking three small pieces and trying to see if he could still remember how to braid, something he learned because you hated how John would always cut your hair.

“This dream,” you started, “it’s bad. It’s always the same house, this weird grey one with cracked floors and for some reason the walls are cement. It’s weird. But in the dream I can never find my way, it’s like a labyrinth and every time I get more and more lost the hallways get darker and darker. It always starts with me screaming for Sammy and he doesn’t respond, but I can hear him. I can hear him.”, Your voice begins to break, “I can hear him screaming no over and over again, like he’s getting attacked and then when I call out for him again he’s silent. So I’ll start running to find him, I guess I’ve always had a hunter's instinct. Then when I’m running around I trip and every time I trip I always get this feeling of fear about dad yelling at me for always being clumsy. But then when I. '' You stop, dropping your head and gaze so far down that all you can see is your own chest. Dean drops the chunk of hair he was twisting in his fingers and looks down at you.

“It’s okay.” He whispers, lightly squeezing your arm to ground you, something he always does when you’re upset.

His encouragement only made things worse as tears began to fall again. Closing your eyes you take a quick deep breath.

“When I look down to see what I tripped over it’s you. You’re dead. Bloody with your stomach all ripped up, I never see the monster, but it must be something with claws. Then it just ends there. Tonight was kind of different though. Our ages are always different in the dream. Sammy’s voice always sounds like it did when he was 16 so I don’t think he changes, but sometimes I’m a kid and you’re a teenager like when I first had it or we’re both teenagers or we’re the ages we are now or sometimes I’m a kid and you’re an adult. But tonight, tonight I was 16 like I am now and you were a little kid.”

~Flashback~

Dean didn’t know what to do, he felt like the deer that stopped in the headlights and actually got hit. He’d been through this before with Sam, but he had been older and wasn’t already upset when they had the conversation. He had felt guilty every time he lied to Sam about monsters and didn’t want to give you that same false hope, but he resented his dad for teaching him about monsters when he was this young.

“I’m not sure of anything, (Y/N).” It technically wasn’t a lie, while Dean was sure that monsters existed he wasn’t sure of what to tell you.

“Well actually no, I am sure of one thing. Nothing and I mean nothing, no man, no woman, no animal, and sure as hell no monsters will ever hurt you because you are strong and I will kick their butt if they even try.” Dean meant that fully, he’s meant that since the day his dad sat him and Sam down to tell them they have a little sibling.

“Pink promise?” You said looking up at Dean.

“Pink promise?” He pulled back and questioned you.

“A pink promise.” You huffed, freeing your arm out from under Dean’s and extending your pinky finger.

“Oohh, a pinky promise.” Dean held up his arm and extended his own pinky.

“No, it’s pink promise.” You pulled your hand back.

“Ok, I pink promise that nothing will ever hurt you.” And to that you guys joined pinkies.

~Present~

You begin to quietly sob into your brother’s chest. Dean put his hand at the nape of your neck and put his cheek on the top of your head and let you cry it out, as you calmed down he pulled back and kissed your forehead.

“Hey look, peanut. Sammy and I are not going anywhere, we will always be with you, ok. A lot is going on right now and it will all be okay, we’ve gotten out of so many situations that we shouldn’t have and this one will be no different. I pink promise.” Dean raised up his arm and extended his pinky.

“Oh fuck off.” You lightly hit his hand.

Unfazed Dean kept his hand up and smugly smiled down at you. You sigh and extend your own pinky. As your fingers wrapped around each other your annoyed façade broke, your smile was joined by a few tears.

“Pink promise.”

A/N: So hey, your local forest wench here. This is definitely different from other stuff I post. I’ve never written a fanfiction before(so basically sorry if it’s not too good and please be patient with me), but I do read a lot of of it and maladaptive daydream a lot so I always have plenty of ideas. I came up with this idea this morning and really liked it, thought that maybe other people would like it and that it would be kind of greedy to keep it to myself. I’m actually really insanely proud of this ngl. If people like this and I feel comfortable, I might even write some more in the future.

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bizarre-star · 7 years

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For another date with Okuyasu... How about it takes place during Halloween? Would you mind writing a little something about that? The previous date scenario lit a fire in my heart for this good boi.

a good boi. a pure boi. a soft boi.

Here’s the previous date! c:

「Okuyasu」

Under the cut!

Okuyasu and his friends had been planning Halloween night for a few weeks now, and you were invited to join them. You had interacted with Josuke, Koichi, Yukako, and Rohan a few times, but you’ve never truly hung out with them. But when Okuyasu asked you, the idea of spending the whole night with him made your heart flutter; you had been head over heels for him since your date at the arcade.

The sun was beginning to set when the group arrived to pick you up. You stepped out and Okuyasu greeted you, looking cute as ever in his vampire costume. He waved at you, baring his glow-in-the-dark teeth, spreading his cape out with his other arm. Giddiness bubbled up in your chest at the sight of him, feeling lucky that he was interested in you.

The two of you had shared gentle times together since the afternoon at the arcade. More dates had taken place where you squeezed hands and stole glances, but nothing more. You ached to reach out to him, brush your lips against his, and be in his arms. You were hoping he’d ask to be your boyfriend - then you’d really feel like the luckiest person in the world.

You approached everyone, exchanging polite greetings, before Okuyasu drew you in for a hug, nearly lifting you off the ground. Your face burned, and your heart swelled in the your chest for the first time that evening. He held your hand as you all made your way to the Halloween festival taking place nearby. It was a nice city event, full of different spooky stations, open to enjoy.

Arriving at the gate, you each paid the small fee and got blacklight stamps in the shape of a pumpkin. After a small discussion, you all decided to enter the corn maze, separated into pairs - Yukako and Koichi, you and Okuyasu, and Josuke and Rohan (who both pouted at the choice). At the beginning, you had all split up, giving you precious time with Okuyasu.

He grabbed your hand, with confidence, and promised to do his best to win! You tittered at his exclamation, almost wanting to lose so you could have more alone time with him.

Creepy accessories decorated the maze; plastic spiders on the ground, cobwebs woven in between the corn stocks, and gruesome scarecrows were around every corner. Okuyasu had never been in a corn maze before, and each scarecrow was freaking him out - he didn’t like their lifeless eyes or their twisted smiles. He gripped your hand tighter and moved faster, now even more determined to win. You two were convinced you were headed in the right direction, until-

“What the hell?”

- you ran into a dead end.

“But there’s nothing there!” Okuyasu whined. “That’s not fair.”

You laughed, “I think it’s supposed to trick us, Oku.”

You almost didn’t notice the blush on his face, because of the dusky twilight air, but his cheeks seemed to glow pink. No one had called him a nickname before, and from your lips, it sounded sweeter than he could’ve ever imagined. Okuyasu felt overcome with emotion, and he couldn’t hold it anymore. He stepped closer to you, placing a hand on your waist, and the other on your cheek. You almost couldn’t believe it, and you began to lean up towards his face. You lips were skimming each other’s, and you could swear your heart had never beaten any faster. Everything felt so perfect in the world, until -

“Hey! You guys!”

You jumped away from him in shock, it felt like the two of you had been caught. Looking over, you spotted Josuke and Rohan, looking cross with each other. You could tell from the looks of them that they had been annoyed the whole time, and running into you two was a blessing. Josuke waved you over, and you and Okuyasu made your way over, looking away from each other. You couldn’t remember a time in your life where you face felt so hot - campers could roast marshmallows on your cheeks, making perfect s’mores.

“We could team up and work together to find our way out,” Rohan explained. “Please, it’ll save me from a night of irritation.”

You could tell he almost got a rise out of Josuke, but the boy held his tongue, instead turning to Okuyasu.

“We could definitely beat Koichi if we put our heads together!”

“Sure!” Okuyasu said, seemingly letting go of any embarrassment he felt a second ago.

The four of you began to walk more, the two boys chattering to each other, and Rohan bragging about his manga to you. You didn’t contribute much to the conversation, the previous scene replaying itself in your head. The chance to kiss him was so close, but it was taken away at the worst possible time. You sighed to yourself, but no one seemed to notice, too preoccupied with their own words.

Eventually, the exit was in sight, and Okuyasu excitedly ran towards it. You smiled at his silly antics, happy that he was enjoying himself. You decided to take a page from Okuyasu’s book, and look forward to the rest of the night, not getting hung up on the almost-kiss. You all crossed the exit, and found Okuyasu jumping with glee.

“Guys! I think we won!”

Before you could celebrate, Koichi and Yukako started walking towards you from the pumpkin patch up ahead. Okuyasu and Josuke deflated, their supposed victory dying right in front of them.

“Since when did you get out?” Josuke yelled.

“We’ve been out for thirty minutes now,” Yukako bluntly answered. “It wasn’t hard at all.”

Everyone had shrugged their shoulders, accepting the couple’s win, and you all decided the next event. The hayride seemed fun, and you all made your way over, piling on to the wagon.

You and Okuyasu sat together towards the back, and the others sat on the side. He turned to you with a warm expression and wrapped an arm around your shoulders, pulling you in close. The two of you ignored the guide and the surrounding view, and instead, opted to be in your own little world. You nuzzled your face against his neck, and he almost melted when he felt your smile press against his skin. You pulled back a bit and the two of you looked deeply into each other’s eyes, a tender moment shared between you. Your eyes fluttered shut, and again, you reached up to kiss him. The twinkling starlight felt as if it was floating around you two, and it lit up the world in a romantic dream. Your top lip was brushing his bottom lip, but suddenly -

“Oh shit!”

It seemed as though your guide fell off the wagon. You two pulled apart and looked around in surprise. You didn’t have time to tread on the moment, because “zombies” had begun to rise and were attempting to climb on the wagon. Everyone’s heart rate increased in fear and adrenaline - you guessed it really was a “haunted hayride”. Your guide had climbed back on, apparently fighting away zombies grabbing at their ankles. They yelled at the driver to “hurry!” and the rest of the hayride was a blur of cheap scares and special-effects makeup.

You were irritated - you thought the hayride would be romantic, but instead, it was a show of second-rate macabre. Huffing, you were the first one to hop off the wagon, and you waited for the rest of your group to get down. It was now the essence of night, an eerily bright moon lay in the center of the sky, and any trace of the day was abandoned.

Everyone had joined you on the ground, laughing about the surprise “attack” on the hayride. You saw Okuyasu participating and remembered the promise you made to yourself, to enjoy the rest of the night. Unanimously, the haunted house was chosen as the next attraction - it wouldn’t be Halloween without it! The line outside of it was short, and they let in each group a few minutes at a time. In line, you took the opportunity to link your arms with Okuyasu’s, and he seemed happily surprised by it. The worker called to on your group to enter the house next, and everyone seemed to gravitate together, huddling for security.

Unlike the hayride, these thrills were genuinely unnerving; the ambiance was heavy, the distant sounds of screams were bloodcurdling, and the flickering lights made shadows dance in your peripheral vision. Okuyasu clutched onto your arm for dear life, shaking in fear. Around every corner, a new ghoulish character was waiting for you, ready to petrify the group.

A sound from behind caused you to turn around, and instantly, you regretted it. You froze and stared in the face of a clown, covered in blood, wielding a chainsaw. The group noticed your reaction and they also caught wind of the clown. Simultaneously, you all began to run as he chased after you, the chainsaw raised above his head. You didn’t know who was screaming and who was grabbing you, all you cared about was running.

You stopped hearing the roar of the chainsaw, and you turned, not seeing the clown behind you. However, the lights shut off, the darkness overbearing - you couldn’t see your own hand in front of your face. Everyone felt around for a door, but nothing was found. You were trapped.

“Okuyasu?” You called out. You heard stumbling footsteps approaching, and felt blind hands touch your arms. “Is that you, Oku?”

“Yeah,” he whispered back. “This is some haunted house, huh?”

You couldn’t help the burst of laughter that left your throat.

“What?” Okuyasu asked, but that only made you giggle more. “What is it?”

“Oku-” you giggled some more, “you’re teeth! Your vampire teeth are glowing!”

“Oh!” He exclaimed, “I guess I forgot.”

He laughed along with you, and the very sound set your heart ablaze. Using his glowing teeth as a guide, you decided it was the moment, and laid your lips on his.

The haunting atmosphere seemed to dissipate, and a warm cloud of affection seemed to pull you two together. Your hands were against his chest, and he was caressing your back with light hands. His chapped lips were softly pressed against yours, not unlike a ghost, but it felt so real. A garden was blooming in your chest, the flowers filling your lungs beautifully. You two separated and you grabbed his hand with a new sense of joy.

From the other side of the room, you heard Rohan’s voice yelling about a bookcase. He had pulled a book down, and a part of the wall opened - it was a hidden door. Everyone rushed towards it, happy to find freedom. You all ran through a small hallway before ending up outside, a cold gust of wind hitting your face. A worker greeted you all, congratulating you on the escape, passing mini-candies to everyone. You tucked yours away before turning back to Okuyasu, who had a flirty smile on his face.

He took the fake teeth out, and grabbed your waist, pulling you in for a second kiss. You melted into his touch, reaching up to lightly caress his face. From behind, a wolf-whistle sounded.

“Get it, Okuyasu! Yeah!”

Both of you smiled into the kiss, magnetic passion pulling you even closer.

#imagines #Okuyasu Nijimura #jjba #jojo's bizarre adventure #this one's loooooong ok

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Last Week They Took An L, But This Week They Bounced Back Kinda

Welcome, welcome, welcome. After last weeks very entertaining trainwreck, I gotta say I was pretty fucking pumped to revisit the AYTO cast. Nothing makes these recaps easier to write than failure of other people. Lucky for me, this cast not only fails but also does some straight-up stupid shit in the process. I mean, between Tyler and Carolina these recaps practically write themselves.

Anyways, Im drinking cheap wine and my laptop is charged. Lets begin now.

AFTER BLACKING OUT AND LOSING A SHIT TON OF MONEY

Carolina has produced enough tears to give the town of Flint some clean water. Shes literally moving from one location to the other just fucking sobbing. Joeys pretty upset toonow hes a loveless trashman. Sad!

They are both like kneeling on the floor, praying to sweet baby Jesus that they can overcome this horrible hardship of losing your love of two weeks. Joeys low-key kneeling down to pick up some trash off the ground because you cannot take the man away from his livelihood, goddammit.

Kathryn/Rushboobs is like ARE WE DONE?? to Ozzy and its like, uh, is this a trick question? Oh duh, I forgot shes an education major from FSU. Someone needs to basically fucking spell out how this game works for her.

Ozzy tries to let her down easy and she storms off because how dare he try and focus on the whole object of the game!?

Kam, the girl with the grey/purple hair as my mom calls her (like, mom its a three fucking letter name), is like “OKAY EVERYONE STOP FUCKING CRYING.” I am Kam, Kam is me.

Rushboobs cant help that she has a lot of feelings and the fucking mentality of a 14-year-old.

Tee is like “I WANT A BOYFRIEND WITH A BRAIN.” And when you want an intellectual boyfriend the first place you should go is an MTV reality show. *cough, cough BULLSHIT cough*

Shes into Oswaldo, who is low-key hot but also looks like Austin Ames friend from (the one in the middle). YEAH, I KNOW, IM FUCKING RIGHT.

He is talking about how he wants to be a businessman and watches Animal Planet because knowledge is power. Yeah, I bet watching episodes of is really going to put you ahead in your fuckin career.

Honestly, I cannot hear him saying anything besides diner girl.

THE CHALLENGE

Can I just saylots of slow motion running this season. We get it. You use special effects.

The game involves the casts social media and they have to answer questions based off their profiles. Apparently they all are fucking crazy online too, further solidifying the fact that they will never get jobs in the real world.

Except Joey. Trash collecting doesnt have a lot of requirements to it.

They all are asked the same questions and need to find the answer for their partner in a maze like web that Ryan so cleverly calls the inter-net.

Whenever Ryan says something fucking cheesy that cast cracks up like its the best shit theyve ever heard. I imagine producers are standing behind them with like guns pointed to their backsfucking laugh at Ryans pun or Ill murder your family. Carolina, shed a tear if you need help.

Thats not really a thing, you fucking idiots.

It goes like this:

Question: Biggest turnoff in a guy?

JOEY: I know KARI likes a guy who listens, because I listen. ALSO JOEY: I know KARI likes a guy who eats food because I eat food.

Joey, be a doll and never speak again. Thanks!

Question: If I won the lotto what would I buy?

NORMAL PEOPLE: A plane ticket anywhere in the world! NORMAL PEOPLE: I would donate to charity! NORMAL PEOPLE: I would pay loans! HAYDEN: ME BUY LARGE TRUCK.

Question: Whats a gross habit you have?

OZZY: Im just here to fuck Carolina, so Im picking the first thing I see *picks wipes boogers on the wall* CAROLINA: Omg he knows me so well!!!

Note to self, never, ever go to Carolinas booger house.

Hayden and Rushboobs get in first, Joey and KARI get second. To make it even more awkward, Ozzy and Carolina get third. Oh, I love this.

Ryan tells them they are all going hiking with monkeys and Ozzy has to act excited, like he doesnt do that every other day.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Michael is like I WAS AN EMT BUT I QUIT BECAUSE OLD PEOPLE, AM I RIGHT? Thats like being like I WAS A VET, BUT ANIMALS, RIGHT? Michael, further implicating himself as unemployable.

Gianna is like, still having a lady boner over Michael and Hayden has developed a city on Friendzone Island where he is now the mayor. Shes like, laying all over him and totally loving the fact that hes more whipped than a girl in BDSM porn.

Carolina is in love with Ozzy faster than President Trump can delete the LGBT Rights page from his website. Quite suddenly, hes the hottest guy in the house and she liked him the whole time she was with Joey. Hmm, sounds like alternative facts.

Shes like “MY PARENTS WOULD LOVE YOU” hes like “mmmm okay, Booger rubber.”

Also, when talking to the camera separately, Carolina seems like the most boring person literally ever. Was she on a sedative? Why do I feel like they put her on this show like, mid-wisdom teeth removal?

Rushboobs is pounding wine, honestly same, while Ozzy and Carolina start making out.

Tyler, this seasons resident fuckboy, is like Shannon is fun and flirty! Which is the way of saying easy! Shannon, you seem nice, but when you speak I want to throw myself in front of a fucking train. Her voice truly sounds like everything annoying in the world just took a massive shit in her vocal chords. Did she do the voice over for Bubbles in ?

Taylor is like “dafuq is this?” And straight-up calls Tyler out. Shes like you didnt even get to know me very calmly and Tyler is like WOAH.

TYLER: YOU ARENT MY GIRLFRIEND TAYLOR: I know, I just wanted to get to know you because you seem cool TYLER: WOW, WHAT A CRAZY BITCH

Rushboobs is talking to Ozzy about how she still cares about him and shell never forget the 14 days they had together on a reality show, where everything is pretty much superficial.

Carolina comes in hot and is like “RUSHBOOBS DOESNT KNOW IF IM GOOD FOR OZZY OR NOT! not even understanding that they arent talking about her.

Joey comes in to defend Rushboobs and mostly just shit talk Carolina. Joey starts yelling at Carolina about how she juggles guys and shes crazy and all this other bullshit. Joey, pull your tampon out and quit being a little baby about this. Move the fuck on. Youre a single trashmanyour life can only go up from here!

Joeys like “WHY DONT YOU TAKE A FIRST CLASS FLIGHT HOME WITH OZZY!!!!” And its like, ooooohhh good one, bro, and Ozzys like uh, Im from here. Ozzys mom will be picking him up after the show, thanks for the concern though.

Shannon is talking to Tyler and I swear I have heard more interesting shit come out of a Baby Born doll. Why do you sound like you survive on a diet of rainbows and helium? Whatever, they annoy me. Moving on.

THE DATE WITH ALL THE LITTLE BIRDIES AND THE MONKEYS

They go to play with the monkeys and Carolina is like we took food out and the animals attacked us. Wow, groundbreaking.

She and Ozzy start making out and its like, could you just chill for a second? There are fucking animals eating corn off your head.

Joey starts complaining to KARI about Carolina and shes like I think you still like her. KARIs in med school man, dont fuck with her. Also, she can literally see into your mind with those big-ass eyes of hers.

Hes like “I SWEAR ON MY LIFE IM OVER IT! I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER LOVED THAT I AM SO OVER THAT HORRIBLE, HATEFUL, CRAZY BITCH CAROLINA.” The trashman doth protest too much.

KARI leaves because she doesnt need this bullshit. She can fucking read minds and save people. Time to move the fuck on.

Am I watching ? Because I swore I just heard Joey say can I steal her for a minute? Joey, do not fucking try to hybrid my reality shows rn!

He pulls Carolina aside and is like KARI WONT TALK TO ME BECAUSE OF YOU!!! Uh, wait what? Carolina starts yelling and this is just a goddam mess. Honestly, the sexual tensionyou could cut it with a knife.

Ozzy goes to save Carolina before she starts rubbing boogers all over Joeys face.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Carolina and Ozzy are in the Truth Booth, thank god. Put me out of my fucking misery.

But wait, Ryan offers a deal where they dont send Ozzy and Carolina and they take $150,000 bucks instead. But if they take the money, they can never send those two in the truth booth again. Damn Ryan, back at it again with the shitty trades.

The house is divided with Kam being like CAROLINA IS CRAZY TAKE THE MONEY and everyone else being like hmmm idk.

Ryan asks Derrick, who is like the unofficial spokesperson of the house, what their plan is and they decide to not take the truth booth trade. Damn, Ive heard stupider shit come out of Kellyanne Conways mouth.

And lookie here, NO MATCH.

Moral of the story: Listen to Kam. Listen to me. Never make a decision on your own. Bye!

Carolina is crying again. Someone put a Brita filter under this bitch.

Rushboobs is like wow this is so sad *smiles* *dances* *throws flowers around the room* *throws party*

Joey and Rushboobs bond over alcohol and their hatred of Carolina and start flirting. This is how it goes, I shit you not:

RUSHBOOBS: Stop! JOEY: No, you stop *leans in closer* RUSHBOOBS: No, you stop *leans in closer* ME: NO SERIOUSLY, FUCKIN STOP.

Ive seen better flirting skills from a fucking third grader. Where did you learn to communicate with the opposite sex, Rushboobsyour students? Joey, I dont even want to know how your livelihood has affected your lovelife.

Tee is like “I CANNOT WAIT TO FUCK OSWALDO,” and its like, wow okay. Shoutout to her parents. But also, do you girl #womensmarch

KARI and Tyler start talking. Tylers playing the role of the victim like I cant help that every girl wants to bone me! wow, life must be so hard for you. How do you even get up in the morning?

Tyler is hot though, dammit. Always the pretty ones. KARI ends up straddling him and they go to bed together. Well. Okay then.

Meanwhile, Kam and Eddie are hanging out and giving me couple goals. If they arent a match Im fucking throwing hands.

MTV: Kam and Eddie, you are not a couple ME: CASH ME OUTSIDE, HOW BOW DAH

THE MATCHUP CEREMONY

The girls pick tonight so hopefully it wont be too much of a shit show.

Rushboobs picks Joey, a trashy match made in heaven.

Tee picks Osvaldo, the knowledgeable son of a bitch. I imagine he is just whispering animal facts into her ear all night.

Hannah picks Derrick/Kellyanne.

Casandra and Jaylen. Yawn.

Kam and Eddie, because duh.

Shannon picks Tyler. Yuck. Ryans like Tyler, hows it going? And Tylers like “I GOT TO KNOW KARI INTIMATELY!” Okay. Not the question but whatever. So classy. Goddam, I want to kiss your face but also hit it with shovel???

Hes like I was sauced and tries to act like it was a drunken thing. Very cool of him. And STOP USING THE TERM SAUCED. Like I literally just picture you rolling around in marinara.

KARIs like fuck it, yeah I gave him a handjob. Wow, okay MTV youre really doin the damn thing. Honestly, who hasnt given a regretful handjob?

Taylor is crying because shes like wait you never even spoke to me! Everyone, including me, feels bad for Taylor because like, Tylers fucking gross.

Tyler: The funny thing about a conversation is give me a handjob.

Tylers like I guess Im the bad guy and its like, hmmm, what gave it away? I shall play you the worlds smallest violin. Can you hear it?

Carolina picks Hayden and Giannas like “WTF NO.”

Gianna picks Ozzy and Ozzy literally looks like he wants to kill himself. Relatable.

Alicia picks Mike. Cool story.

Taylor comes up and crying and Ryans like how do you feel? Uh how do you think she fucking feels? Is the crying not a clue? Shes like I feel disrespected but honestly, when am I ever not. This is like a speech from a movie.

TAYLOR TO TYLER: But waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless and disappointing. (name the movie)

Taylor picks Michael as her perfect match.

Andre is like “Taylor is hot and sad. I make happy. We bone. Yay!”

Im endorsing that couple RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

Andre and KARI are left.

They are all like we cannot get another blackout! and Im like just fuck me up, fam. Give me another blackout, make my goddam day.

But alas, they get 4 BEAMS. Not bad for a bunch of pretty degenerates.

Cant wait to see what fuckery next week holds!