#THE OTHER PARTS ARENT DONE YET IM WORKING ON THEM
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Let’s Dance
Part 1/12
Part 2
Takes place in the radioapple human nanny AU 📻 🍎
#radioapple nanny au#THE OTHER PARTS ARENT DONE YET IM WORKING ON THEM#Before anyone starts asking hahahah#the kids menu is for Val#it’s full of pictures#zestial is such a gossipy bitch#hazbin hotel#lucifer hazbin#human lucifer#human au#human alastor#alastor#Carmilla carmine#human Carmilla#my doods#zestial#human zestial#human Vox#human Val#human velvette#radioapple
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the problem with my last post on the subject was listing a bunch of pieces i already knew and not being specific enough to say 'im looking for something of similar feeling but lesser known'.
im specifically looking for unique "analog" or just video youtube horror that i Havent already heard of. something that doesnt rely exclusively on creepy photoshop face and text to speech voice with the same general idea as any other series. if you know something thats quite good and interesting but you dont see as many people talking about thats the recommendation im looking for
morley grove - from the creator of gemini, incredibly strong. plays with older internet, older youtube and geocities type of personal websites. things that dont jump you right out the blue but continuously build dread. things that are hidden even, implied to be something much worse than you can understand and allowing your mind to run wild. very good, but on hold Along with gemini due to the creators computer problems.
1990s lost media: obscure security system - only one video at the current time sadly, as it is a very good video. plays out plainly like a windows movie maker piece, and once again its only showing you a Part of whats happening. theres startling noises, but not without proper buildup or reason. again strange implications that make you actually Think about whats going on. funnily enough, actually had a nightmare based on this one after watching it. Extremely well done
countess pasta - moreso original writing and readings as opposed to visual storytelling. if you were ever into thelittlefears and still yearn for something that captures that same feeling, take a listen to countess pasta's videos. there also seems to be some kind of overarching plot that could tie the stories together, but even listening to them on their own is a treat. her selection of work is impeccable and anxiety-inducing, well thought-out and refreshing in the current climate of creepypasta readings
Minecraft alpha 1.0.16 versions - hard to describe, more mystery than horror but still unnerving. INCREDIBLY beautifully done and written. teases with the idea that things haunting your minecraft world may not be supernatural or truly sinister in nature, yet still a glimpse into a stranger world seemingly lost to time. remembered this one at the last second
if theres any other videos or series you feel arent discussed as widely as some others, something obscure and slash or of great quality, feel free to put it directly in my eyes
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Signalis Post (barely coherent thought vomit)
So I finished signalis on Monday and i think ive just about recovered enough for me to make a gush post about it on tumblr dot com, which i think i have to do cause i dont think any other game has really hit me as hard as this one. Spoilers obvs.
Being pre-transion, with that associated depression and closing off from oneself, ive always found it difficult to get out my feelings, even in private with just myself, and yet signalis has filled me throughout with its beautiful romantic melancholy and left me genuinely sobbing for the gay robot and her space girlfriend (almost worried that if id played this game on estrogen it might actually have just killed me on the spot). the only other times i can think of where i really cried were playing We Know The Devil near the beginning of the year, which really fkin hit the part of me that struggles to accept myself, and that time i rewatched the last episode of she-ra after reading the ‘Word War Etheria’ fanfic, which brings the characters so much more to life i fell for them all over again.
Signalis is a game that calls back to a lot of classic horror like resident evil and silent hill, which i havent got round to playing any of yet, but i think nostalgia works both ways sometimes and i’ll be playing them sooner now. sometimes horror gets stereotyped as all death and violence, some games fill themselves with skulls and corpses, and big ugly monsters and basically shout ‘DEATH!’ in your face repeatedly and it all just comes off as a bit garish and ridiculous and not actually very scary really. Signalis sits at the other end of that scale (with some of my other fav horror games like soma, cry of fear) where its environs are most usually just… quiet. Still. Muffled. Sad. just as often as theres tension or creeping fear because of this i find theres a strange kind of comfort too. Maybe its just that in most other genres of games theres so much of music, UI elements, pickups and interactibles with vibrant design. Here, theres room for your mind to just occupy the space. A soft fog. A dimly lit room. An empty train. Snow out a window. Liminal spaces that dont expect anything from you.
Signalis is a game thats just simply, unapologetically gay, and i dont think i would have been quite so invested in Elster and Ariane’s relationship if they were a straight couple. Its why representation is important, if art’s way for us to explore our emotions then its important to have media that we can relate to. Even Adler’s role isnt typically masculine. Our replika characters are manufactured, designed for certain roles in the base. Notes from the tough Stars and Storchs in the shooting range, the dollish Eules with the fairy lights and music player in the dorm. I couldnt help but think of groups of Eules sat around chatting, together, and im yearning for that feeling of togetherness, of understanding a friend that closely. I somehow missed the couple in the mineshaft (next playthough, ill find you v_v ). Despite the harshness of life in the Eusan nation (especially for the gestalts) the characters in it are defined by their feelings of belonging and hope. With the obvious parallels to east germany, i think of posters of cosmonauts and space travel from the time. Propaganda, sure but also made with the genuine belief in something greater. When the events of the game take this away, well, we find the last Kolibri, whod rather lose herself than lose her [ah. Im not sure theres a word here to properly describe the relationship they embody]. Its a game defined by loneliness.
We dont lie up at night scared by some corrupted android. We arent stuck with horror at the flesh everywhere, not on its own. We lie awake thinking about Elster and Ariane’s love for each other, the horror of their decline, the futility of trying to hold on forever. Its existential horror done perfectly. It shows an ending postponed and stretched far beyond its limits, and so squarely reminds you that you do, in fact, have to die one day. You’ll break down. One day you’ll say your last words to the people you love and you wont even know you have. Ariane’s final few diaries arrive with the full force of the narrative behind it, like a spear through my heart. For the record, I got the promise ending. Im still sad. It's a game about raging desperately against an unfair ending. I might think about this game for the rest of my life. I would sincerely say its an artistic masterpiece, by the sure definition of video games as art.
I like that the story leaves a lot open and abstract. I think it makes the emotional themes takes centre stage more. And i havent had nearly enough time to sift through it and come up with my own takes, we’ll need a few more playthroughs for that. And theres so much more to say that cant go in just these few paragraphs! Signalis is a game about two girls who had to run away from everything to find someone they belonged with. The universe may be cold and bleak, but you have to try, you might just find something beautiful, even if it doesnt last forever. I think if anything, we should all have the chance to find love and happiness like that, and we shouldnt have abandon a world that doesnt work for us to do it.
#signalis#lgbt#lesbian#long ass emotional ramble post#fuck im nearly crying again#horror#liminal#signalis spoilers#elster#ariane yeong
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Thank you for answering my ask! Ok but now I have to hear about his family and mommy issues 👀 perhaps
oooo thank u again for another ask bc i have THOUGHTS
i dont have much figured out abt them yet but his family is. well. they do exist!!
his mother is the product of generational abuse that kept going, i think. she got the same silent treatment and need for praise as she passed on to her son. ciceros grandmother is not in the picture bc his mom hates her mother, and uses the "arent you glad im not THAT terrible of a parent" after doing the same shit to her son. lol. lmao even. and his mother treating him this way gave him an INTENSE need for praise. he would do anything for her and she would still find fault. and when she DID praise him, it was like the clouds parted. he'd done something RIGHT and now he just needed to keep doing things the Right Way for her praise. and i dont think his mother was an overwhelmingly cruel person. i think she taunted and teased him like a playground bully sometimes bc thats how she was also raised, and you work with the tools you're given in life. i think she regretted having a child bc of the circumstances he was brought into, like maybe not being able to provide for him the way she wished she could, so she took it out on him. and sometimes she was cruel, but it wasnt ciceros fault for being born.
i dont have much on his father other than hes not often around, but i think this has more to do with just not being Able to be around. no idea why yet.
anyways i dont think cicero exactly ran away, but i think a whirlwind of circumstances lead to him being on his own at 12, fending for himself. maybe he killed someone on accident during these years and didnt regret it, and felt fine with it, actually. and someone from the dark brotherhood found him, maybe out of pity taking him in, or maybe seeing he was capable of being trained into a damn good assassin. either way he wound up with them, wholly dedicated to the cause.
back to his mommy issues, the ordeal with his mother and how she raised him left a permanent mark. perhaps cicero, deep down, always looked to the night mother more than sithis in his own subconscious way, and having her coffin and her corpse being under his protection and having a mother figure who cannot scold him or scorn him or hurt him in any way.... maybe it wormed into his brain. this idea that the night mother has to love him. or that she cant exactly say she doesnt.
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CT ocs!!! idk their names yet other than kenni's. more info about my fan story/ocs under the cut (warning: its super long!!)
I have a fan AU in my head. The premise of my AU takes place in the Cramp Twins universe, about 6-7 years into the future. The protagonist is Kenny, who is based a lot on myself. In my AU, Soap City has a scandal regarding the soap factory, and people are moving out En Masse. Property value has gone down, people are losing their jobs. So my fan AU is gonna be focusing a lot on the hardships that come with this.
Kenny is based a lot on me, and he is the main character of the story. He is Beady's son, and his father is a Swamp person, but as a child, he lived with his Mother beady
That girl on the way right of my drawing? Thats the bully from the girl gang! (Shes the one in the middle). She is Kenny's best friend.
She and Kenny are long time friends. Kenny was once part of the girl gang and thats why they are so tight-knit. How was he a part of the girl gang, you may ask? Kenny is trans masc. He came out much later. Kenny is in his early 20s. Im thinking about naming her Trix or something similar in honor of an old OC of mine.
The girl in the middle is Trix's girlfriend. I don't know her name yet. Shes the girl from School Disco (the one with orange hair!!)
Many fans suspect Mari Phelps is adopted. So this girl, I think is Maris biological sister. Mari was taken away as an infant/toddler, so Mari does not remember much, but her older sister deeply is hurt and feels wounded by losing Mari. Sometimes only one child is sent away to live with another guardian in certain cases. I feel bad introducing such a dark element into a fan AU. I won't delve much into it. Point is, she really hopes she can meet her younger sister again one day. Im thinking of naming her beatrice but idk.
There is of course, already a huge plot hole in my AU... if this is Mari's sister, then dang, Wayne has an older doppelganger who looks exactly like him... ughhhh -_-
this loophole literally made me want to scrap the story and work on something new ugh. bc even though the main characters of the cramp twins arent the main focus, they ARE present in my story. So this "wayne" is very contradictory if I use the girl from school disco as a character and have her be maris older sister, fff. (I kind of HC that mari is based off her, who agrees? mostly bc the orange hair and her "edge" attitude, for lack of better word)... bc wayne and all the others are present in the story, but they are younger than the main characters.
Again, this story takes place 6-7 yrs in the future, . heres a preview of some designs im making for the already existing characters/ them when they are in high-school
this is Wendy Winkle's new design. in the story, she has a lot going on. with the soap factory shutting down, her family loses a lot of money. her parents are going through a messy divorce. i know this seems out of character, but sometimes hard circumstances will change a person- wendy is still popular at school but she is very depressed and as a result, more reserved and quiet in high-school. she has a lot of regrets on her mind but idk if i wanna say it. shes a sad prep kid basically. i think her father will have main custody, but the money comes from her mother... the soap factory shutting down causes a lot of issues for walter winkle and he has to live in the swamp. wendy may potentially be living with tony for some period of time in this AU. it forces her to uh. sadly face a lot of things her parents never prepared her for.
then this is Wayne and lucien. both of them grow their hair out. (Fun fact: I am digitizing this doodle!! its not done tho)
anyway, Wayne is kind of grungy, he often is wearing overalls bc he works a lot at the junkyard. Lucien kinda loosens up and becomes uh. a "hippie" for lack of better word??? i notice many ppl think he would be preppy, ive seen two fanarts depict him as a prep kid when he gets older. but after i thought about it, its so possible lucien wants to rebel that life style and focus on what matters to him - peace and justice!!! thus the hippie attire :] (im projecting bc i was that way in highschool and i relate to lucien a lot lolol)
theres so much more i can type about my fan AU but basically the premise is... soap city is falling apart, families are falling apart. everything is hard, but maybe things can get better...
tony goes to school in this AU bc his family is worried tony might not have a future. there is a possibility the swamp may be destroyed due to pollution (the Soap factory scandal has to do with a leak into the swamp, hurting much wild life and even civilians). mari realizes she is a lesbian and fights with her conservative mormon parents a lot...
all 5 of the main kids work together at a grocery store, for varying reasons. and Kenny is a long-time employee there, thats how he meets them. Its all connected in some way. Kenny lives with Trix, the girlfriend of Mari's older sister. so thats why one day, they will get to meet, for example.
i have too much going on in this AU, dont i? :P typing this all out has been very exciting tho. i never typed it all out like this before. my ideas for my AU usually just float around in my head as i work or listen to music
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Honestly your kinda right on the classics in like the mainline comics. While yes the mainline comics arent finished it felt like we bearly got any time with the classics and bearly knew anything about them. Which im guessing for classic fans arent gonna have a great time when their favs get killed of in a single panel. The only reason i can see is that tfc mercs weren't seen as fully fleshed out characters which ok but if cheavy gets a important role then why not at least give Fred something to fucking do. Like he's directly related to the "main plot" and yet is treated as a side character who has no relationship to anyone here. When hes directly related to Engineer and know of Admin's plan probably because if All the Cloanger line worked with her im sure she gave hints.
I would of much more liked Fred knowing than fucking Charles Dairling, a joke character who suddenly became a fucking important lore dumper without an ending how he knows.
Again I know the tf2 comics arent done but still i hated everything they did with the Australium plot sense it was handed in the most infodumpy way ever-
oh for sure, big part of why I got so invested in writing a multi-chap fic starring Fred - he's like, weirdly central to everything yet we only ever get fragments of his existence
it is one of those things where on it's face the comics work decently well, but when you look into the source material more it's like... hey... why is all this other random stuff the focus of the comics
from what people have said it's just how Valve operates to have stuff like this see neglect and since it's sort of supplementary to TF2 and TF2 itself has been nigh abandoned, (at least until the incoming update bares fruit, if it does) I guess it makes sense that the stuff being written to support that has also seen a fair amount of neglect
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Chapter 7+: Volts Upgrade
-dont worry, if he does anything bad to you let me know.
Volt could only reply with a simple "OK" before his message systems where blocked by the block chip. The chip also blocked his ability to move so hes completly imobile now only able to see and speak.
Volt then was placed on a harness and he waited for something.
-Hello? - he spoke out in a scared and confused static voice, then Frank came in to the room, wearing a diffrent shirt and a diffrent robotic arm.
-hello volt - Frank said in a calm voice, slowly aproching a table where verious mechanic tools where located
-why are you doing, this? To me? -
-listen buddy since you guys moved hire i wanne do a good thing by cheaking you out-
-but but you cant, youll wont like what youll find-
-bealive me, i find many bad things inside bots that where traveling for a long while-
-but um UM-
-you dont have to worry about anything Volt- he said, walking twards Volt with a mear chair
Frank then removed Volts forgead plate and pulled out his "brain", this was a pretty tipical thing to do, but Volt was nerwous.
-are you gonna kill me?- he asked
-why of course not, your not ready for salvage yet, hehe..-
-...-
-i think i know why your worried-
-whats that?-
-your from a bunker, arent you?-
-?!- Volt was shoked at what he heard -How you know???-
-well i know that your kind of model orginated from bunkers, plus your main chip is inscribe with bunker numerals-
-huh, so you knew from start?-
-yup, but i was kinda suprised when i first saw you walking on two legs-
-weard habit of mine-
-alright im gonna upgrade your system now, and maybe do some modification to improve you, your gonna black out-
-fine, alright, just do it-
As Volt said Frank did, Volt now couldnt see, hear or feel anything, he was completly surounded by darkness. Frank took some time wail reparing Volt, his systems where old and really out dated, he took 4 hours repeplacing, updating and modifing Volt. When frank was finished he removed the block chip and waited untill Volt woke up
Volt waited untill all his limbs where usable then he woke up, he looked around and saw Frank working at his desk, he then barked in a much better voice, he was suprised by this. Then Frank looked back at him and let him off his harness.
-soo, how do you feel?- Frank asked
-it feels odd, i can see everything better and my voice is better, im better-
-yeah bud, ive replaced your voice box with a new one, updated your system, and ive also removed your upper mouth plate where your lens was-
-wheres the plate now-
-dont worry, ive put it in on the top of the shelf, you know its risky-
-right, what else have you done to me?-
-alright, go to that mirror over there- he points at a mirror
Volt walks over to the mirror and looks at him self, he notised that at the bolts that hold his jaw there where a sturdey pieace of wire sticking out.
-did you broke me??-
-no no, just open your mouth and youll see-
Volt slowly opened his jaw and the wire was starting to split into many more and then a holo projection with a faint yellow color appered.
-wo!-
-yeah i had a spare part that did this, when you scream youll then flash band someone your faceing, so be carefull-
-ok! Anything else?-
-ive instaled some small solar panels on your back-
-nice, anything else-
-thats all volt, you can leave now if you what-
-Frank?-
-yeah?-
-would you like to know something, i can anwer it-
-uhh, let me think... To who did you give the lens? If there was a lens in the first plac--
-to mike, he found me in my weakest and helped me, so i repayed him-
-alright then, thanks for shareing that-
-you wont tell anyone?-
-i wont, i promise-
-alright, ill be leaving now-
-later bud, see you in the morning-
Then Volt left, he was suprised and kinda happy that people dont judge him nor mike, he then went up stairs, quietly to not disturb the other, he walked up to the door and he could her Micheal and Vanessa talk.
He chose to not disturb them, he returned down stairs and layed on the couth he then entered his sleeping mode and sleep the night away, happy that he didnt need to hide his orgins
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.
also like im sorry. but the first time i heard the term "landback" and didnt know exactly what it entailed, i googled it, and the first thing i found said that its a term that no one really agrees how it should be enacted, or what it encompasses, or what it could entail precisely.
so yes. if you want to have an effective discussion about land back, you have to specifically talk about the version of it that you have in mind when you're advocating for it. because no one can agree on exactly what it looks like. and its different for every tribe and every area and even then there's still discussion within the tribe. which is fine! but it means there's no clear conversation to be had if youre not specific and you dont explain.
and im for land back!!! in all situations!! all of those different variables, im for all of them!!! but you literally cant be mad when someone says "ive never heard of that before, what would it mean for my daily life". would the laws change? the taxes? we dont trust cops around here, but what would it mean for fire fighter response? what about local government? who would i call for zoning issues, or is that not relevant to me once i've taken part in land back?
these arent malicious questions. these are normal questions to ask about how a massive shift would work. i dont care if youve gone over it with people in the community, people OUTSIDE the community havent heard the discussions. go over it with them so they understand what would happen. I THINK IT SHOULD HAPPEN. IT'S STILL GOOD TO DISCUSS LOGISTICS
god, the same shit happens with complete prison abolition, where people get so annoyed when you ask "what would society look like without prisons and how would we deal with crime and genuine harm done to others?"
they jump to saying "it isnt dealt with now! there's only 1% of rapists in prison, there's only [x]% of abusers, the recidivism rates, the way prison is a den of abuse for the people in it" and like yes i agree with those points. but also no matter what you say, people will hear 1% and go "but 1% is a better chance of being saved if im on the receiving end of extreme violence, than 0% in a system that does nothing". they!!! are always going to go with the devil they know!!! if the alternative is completely in the dark!!!!
"what is the alternative to prisons" is always, in my experience seeing these conversations leak out into public internet discourse, to say "well, there's just so many options, and we're still discussing in the community--" stop. stop. that will never ever ever work. that will never convince anyone.
1) you never stop doing [x social thing] without any solid clearly defined agreed upon plan for the alternative. you just dont. 2) that doesnt encourage anyone to look for more information, it makes it sound like there is no solid alternatives period, 3) just!! say!!! what you think!!!! just say "well there arent any solid plans yet, but i personally like [x method] and [y method]", because that gives people a foothold. that gives them the context to start understanding the argument, the alternative that is being presented, it gives them a broad image of what to picture for a prisonless society and how it might function. that is an archetype WE DONT CURRENTLY HAVE, so you have to paint them a picture so they can start to imagine. so that they have some place to start looking. some concept they can start to research on and expand from there.
most people dont know what a prison-less society or land back looks like. im sorry its annoying to explain it a lot. but they dont know. if you want to do outreach, paint a picture. tell them what it means. get into logistics.
the moment you step outside your community to talk to people outside it, you are doing outreach. so look into how to do it well, how to get people on your side, and how to introduce concepts to people who have never heard of it before.
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⭐️star⭐️ for the writers ask game if you're still doing it? 🥺
sure!
Fanfic Writers: Director’s Cut
Reblog this if you want readers to come into your ask box and ask for the “director’s commentary” on a particular story, section of a story, or set of lines.
did you have a particular story in mind though? you can specifiy if you'd like. other wise mhh sth ive been dying to talk about
well a lot of my wips im dying to talk about but they arent done so i'll stick to something ive already published!
Fun Fact for my RvB Fans
A Fragmentary Picture was written partially in 2014 while i was working in a hotel doing breakfast service. some days were so slow id just write fanfic on the notepad i had for taking orders with. i used to do that a lot actually. most of the fics written like that never got typed down. i always really liked the dynamic of wash and maine and the whole idea of how wash got from prison to going on a manhunt with the meta was intriguing. i usually have a problem of thinking in one shots - many of my story ballon into big arching adventures and end up abandoned in my wip folder. im happy i got this one polished and done though! there was some more stuff in that story that i didnt publish or really finish - yet. who knows maybe one day
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Most people here are probably more interested in Detco stuff I imagine so
I was really worried posting Glue Trap I even considered posting it anonymous or making a second account that wasn't tied to my main. its fucked up content matter and fandom really hasnt been kind to that sort of thing in the past. but people surprised me and were really nice! it was a good feeling to know i can explore fucked up shit without getting cancelled haha (pls nobody get any ideas) but yeah
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for the Future Detco AU actually another fun fact. originally the stories happened in a different order. the order of the series is the chronological order but when i initially drafted the timeline (yes i have a whole spreadsheet with the order of events post canon and its massive) i had Make a Home and One Trick Pony switched. dunno why i think mostly just because i always intended for shinichi and heiji to get their shit together muuuch later. they still arent even together adjhgdjk slow burn my guys. i have parts of them actually getting together written already but Lucky Charm needs to be done first. im usually working on several installments at once so i also have parts of their engagement storyline written but thats muuuuuch muuuuch later in the pipeline for me. i also got another one shot for future au basically done, i should polish that up. my beta reader has been very busy currently sadly so i dont want to swarm her with work
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i have also plotted out the Black Org AU with some significant changes to what i already posted here. got a few scenes written. i do hope to have that out eventually but its not a priority right now. sadly the reaction to that one and some people's entitled comments made me less enthusiastic about it so i pushed it back but depending how i feel the whim of writing that is a future possibility.
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1 & 7 for the fic ask game?
1. Describe your comfort zone—a typical you fic
oooh!! this one is fun. i’m a behind the scenes kind of guy. i want you to look at this character - look at something they’ve done and see it the way i did. i want you to know what the though process was. for this reason, i’m generally doing backstory fics or rewrites of things that actually happened in canon. if you’re ready aim fire, it’s both!
the comfort zone for me, in fewer words than that ^^ is that i like to write about characters THINKING. i’ll sprinkle in dialogue to make it more fun to read, but i just want to have what they’re thinking out on display
[i have no clue if this answers the question, but that’s like. my thing. the character is the narrator. the narrator has a voice. the voice is explaining their thought process]
7. Share a snippet from one of your favourite pieces of prose you’ve written and then explain why you’re proud of it
firstlyyyy i like the church scene. what if i shoved the church scene at you again. i talked a lot about why it’s my favourite so i’m just giving the post
NOW. new answer!!!! yk how i’m the fairydog guy. i had to choose between loyalty & dreams of shadows & queens. i chose loyalty!
i’m putting it under a cut bc. :( i ramble
The situation feels similar, now, to the time before. But the roles have changed, and now he is the hand, the knight, to what was once his king - to what is now his queen.
But Lizzie isn’t like him. She is the queen, yes, and she is red by her own choice. She brought her closest advisor to confide in when she decided to become red. But he went out with a bang - he made sure everyone could see it, when he died. Made them all know who he was now. Lizzie is quiet, giving him lives in the privacy of his tower, and sneaking out before anyone notices that she looks closer to death than she did only moments before.
i dont know how much of the fic im allowed to talk about before its not prose anymore. anyway this is an important bit to me because it’s the one part of loyalty that ISNT about loyalty
this is the bit that’s about how similar they are. and yet, how different. they aren’t the same kind of person!!! thats the important bit!!! ren is sitting there and he’s thinking and he is noticing that he and lizzie arent alike!!!
she left him in a tower with lives that she’s discarded like a cloak to put back on. he doesn’t know that freedom. red, to him, back then, was a new responsibility. a crown heavy on his head.
im soo tired but my point is. theyre different people playing the same role so of COURSE it’s going to play our differently, but ren is still.. not shocked, but confused. and alone. and afraid. and that’s strange.
anyway here’s some other fairydog bits that r important to me from my own fics. only the first is loyalty. the others are from dreams of shadows & queens
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i’ve been very slowly cutting things out of my life. i kinda feel bare right now in the sense that im very lonely and stagnant, not much going on, but im still open to vulnerability, change, and creation. i keep thinking about my future lately. i was doing pretty good at living in the moment but i have this creeping feeling that i need to figure some stuff out...
i’m not really sure about music anymore. i find it enjoyable to make. im proud of myself for what ive done, even if it is kinda shitty. ive heard myself grow musically and vocally over the past year. and im like this with painting as well. ive seen that ive grown a bit, but i still find what i make pretty mediocre. and im fair with myself, i realize ive only been doing these things for a very short amount of time.
the thing about painting is that with the process, its not something i always enjoy. sometimes i get the urge to start and then i do it and im like im not even having fun. like the motivation is there but the joy is not. i dont really get it tbh. i decided maybe the way i was approaching it and the techniques i was using was probably what was making it so burdensome. i have yet to try my new approach (which is a much more messy and flowing style) because ive been so busy with work and ive had absolutely no days off. luckily this week i have a bunch of time and im excited to do some art.
on the other hand, ive been writing my novel pretty steadily. almost everyday, but not quite. sometimes its a bit difficult to get into the mood but once i do i can write for awhile. especially on the train i find it pretty easy, and then i get to my stop and im disappointed because i wanted more time to write.
AND THEN, im working on fashion. i spread myself a little too thin, i think. the thing about fashion and writing is that they are both things that come very naturally to me. (unlike painting, and even less with music.) painting is something that i struggle with and i know i am decent at drawing, but when it comes to music, im completely in the dark with it. vocally, musically, structurally. i could of course teach myself, but i think the whole overwhelms me. its a lot to learn and do and while i feel excited about it at times i cant tell if its because i feel like i need to do it because of an identity thing, or if i genuinely really love it. most of the time i think i do it because im like, well wouldnt be really cool to be an musician and have an album and music videos and perform? and like right now, yeah, that does sound fun as hell. but occasionally i will feel indifferent. or like its just not for me.
but back to fashion, im enjoying it, as little work as ive put into it. i want more time to work on it because what i have done ive enjoyed. i think the thing that triggers all these thoughts in me so often is capitalism... in an ideal world id have all the time to do everything i want, and no pressure at all to feel like i need to do things because of money, success, etc... i could just do them because i love them. its extremely hard for me to see past the capitalist lens. i want to be able to tell if something is right for me or if im just coming about it wrong. over the years my ocd mind has been so plagued by this way of thinking that i feel like ive hardly gotten anything done at all. im really tired of it, honestly. the only good part is that ive crossed a bunch of stuff off my list of things that i thought were right for me but actually arent. like acting for example, ive fully decided that isnt for me, lol.
anyway. i just needed to share and i forgot my journal at home so i had no other place to put all this.
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Im glad that you liked my recent ask, it’s a bit eccentric but that’s what make it fun! at first i wanted to make him fall for her after a weekend or so, but now thinking about it he could fall for her after a serious meetings. at first getting to know each other at first (scientist requested. just the basics). he forces a few things that arent so necessary for her to get pregnant, like acting as her bf. spoon feeding her food , carrying her around, present during her doctor check ups. She was like ”do you really have to be there 😅” ”yes of course 😤”. she tired not to think much about it. shes a struggling college student trying to get by and (lets Call him Jonas,) Jonas is far from ugly looking. she tries her best not to get attached to him and ignore the butterflies in her stomach when he takes care of her. she mostly likely has abandonment issues but is a hopeless romantic at heart. she cant help swoon at domestic behavior. He’s frustrated at her unwillingness to fall for him. where he comes from if a male is effectively able to display his upmost ability to be the best provider, carer, protecter, hunter, fighter and lover all the females would swoon and be at his feel especially with charming and attentive personality and good looks. he's perfect!!! why cant she see that?!!? its not that she cant see that, its that she doesn't have the time right now. despite the fact they want each other theres things from the other part of their lives thats disturbing and chances of them being able to be together. but it wont stop Jonas tho….😩
Awe I love that. He seems to be more of a do-er rather than a thinker, but still mildly thinks things through when it counts; he just shows his intentions through actions rather than words. Thats so sweet tho, kind of being like a pre-boyfriend before actually obtaining the boyfriend status (at least, in her mind; I'm sure jonas has already thought past that stage lmao.) You'd think like most *sperm donors* (?) they stop being present after the deed is done, so I'm sure she's confused. But to him, he's got his intentions spread out.
And while he may be perfect in all aspects of physiological status, he's still not at the point where *she* can let him in so easily like the rest. This is kind of like the ideal couple imo. Hunky werewolf guy ready to take over dad role, perfect in nearly every aspect while she finds love to be appealing, and sees his perfectness, but can't fit him in her life quite yet. Jonas seems like the stubborn type though, so I don't think her position will stop him lmao. It seems like the perfect chase, because there's enough chemistry for them both to want it to happen and are drawn to each other, but life aspects are in the way. I wonder how things will work out once the kid is born though? or if Jonas decides to support her during college in order for her to finally allow him in her life as more than just 'the guy who provided the sperm.' He doesn't seem to give up so easily.
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hey babe just popping in to say ur right seeing chan say that is really concerning not just (especially) for him but for his fans as well. you do not need to diet. You are a beautiful person who deserves to eat. You deserve to eat when youre hungry and when you arent happy with urself and when its a meal time and you deserve a little treat when u feel like it. I love chan but i definitely feel like it can be harmful to talk about dieting in such a way and especially when he has so many people looking to him for inspiration and comfort. I hope hes okay but i also hope you are okay. I know how hard it can be and im so proud of you and i hope you have a nice warm meal that fills you up just right and all you have to think about is the warmth in ur belly and in ur heart. 🥰🥰🥰🤦♀️💖❤💜💙
this is really sweet and really means a lot, anon, i hope you know that. it's... very easy for me to get hit with self-loathing about my body, especially when i see other people say those sort of things (as u can tell from this whole thing about chan), or after a doctor's appointment where my health is perfectly fine but seeing certain numbers or words fuck with me despite the fact i'm healthy.
i'm gonna put some more thoughts under a readmore just because i tend to ramble a lot and i don't wanna put a long-ish post on anyone's dash but i have more thoughts here (but if you don't wanna read those, thank you again for your kind words <3 self love is a very long and hard journey and i have in the past and will continue to struggle with in the future. it's just a journey i gotta keep working on, and maybe one day i'll at least be able to appreciate my body for keeping me alive even if i'm not happy with it yet)
[warning for like... talks of potential eating disorders/disordered eating and fatphobia, ig? just tread with caution if any of this bothers u im sorry :( ]
like... i feel like there's always going to be a certain line you have to be careful of when you talk about dieting, btw. i don't think chan meant anything bad by what he said (he's a very genuine person from what i've seen, and there's a reason he has such a comforting presence for a lot of people, me included) and i genuinely hope that he never like... feels bad about that if he ever happens to see how it can impact people? like you said, a lot of people look to him for inspiration and comfort, and i feel safe in saying at least some of those people are going to be people under eighteen. i'm not saying it's impossible to happen to anyone under twenty or even twenty-five, but i think the weird, hard part of being a teenager can make those feelings a lot worse--or even anyone in his audience who has dealt with things like EDs or disordered eating on its own. it can be a very slippery-slope right back into those habits, especially hearing them said by someone you look to for motivation/comfort/etc.
which isn't to say i blame chan at all! from what it sounds like, this is definitely something that was pushed onto him? like, idk, i don't know so this is all speculation, but he did say that both his members (which, btw, not a huge surprise just because of how rampant fatphobia is in this industry: i don't really blame them for having that mindset tbh) and the staff sorta kept pointing out him gaining weight.
which btw... where? chan you gotta show me where baby because i cannot fucking see it at all but that's beside the point. you don't have to visibly have gained weight to feel like you've done it.
i just hate the way he said that he needs to do this 'properly' so much. like this isn't proper. eating a single meal a day and barely anything else isn't proper, and i feel like we can probably guess he'd be working out alongside this alongside the work he's already doing.
idk man i just wanna give him a kiss on the forehead and tell him that it's okay if he wants to lose weight but he should do it for himself and he should do it properly. like i've been there. it sucks. you feel like shit and i can't imagine being busy with everything he's busy with and also not eating enough. like idk im not a bee-tee-ess stan but i've read about the shit that j*min went through considering he passed out during rehearsals from barely eating (and, god, it does make me feel better to see a lot of people citing where he's not doing that anymore: i'm not a stan, but he seems like a sweetheart and i wish the best for him + his group). like, not to focus purely on chan again, but it does make me worry about him more.
how far can it go? how far will it go? i don't want to find out. i just want him and the rest of skz to stay healthy and happy, and something like this is going to stop chan (and felix, from what i've read--he also went on a strict diet at one point...? i'd have to look into it more) from being either.
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This is like...sooo tmi so if you see me on a daily basis like,,,irl. Like at school. Pls dont read this.
Cw: weird mental health stuff/ me talking about low motivation
So basically its the time of year where my body just shuts down. My bones feel like lead, it takes forever for me to get out of bed, and I just generally feel like crap. I love winter but the physical toll its taking on me this year is actually driving me wild. I woke up this morning and genuinely couldn't move my arm for 10 minutes because my bones just feel so heavy. And my joints are getting worse too. I can hear my ankles and knees popping every single time I walk, but especially when I walk upstairs. And most of my classes are upstairs at school. And my immune system also gets weaker, and because of that my psoriasis gets worse. I literally just go to school and then rest.
And thats a problem because my parents both have a physical disability. So all the chores go onto me. But guess who can't do them because I'm fucking depressed and in physically pain constantly? Me. My back constantly seizes up and i literally needed my dads help throwing taking the trash out the other day. I can barely stand long enough to do a "simple" load of dishes. (Simple meaning one for the deep clean we do of our kitchen every 3 months. Its gross. I wish they would rinse their dishes out.)
And all of this is affecting my mental health really badly. This probably sounds gross but I'm just now taking a shower. Its been 3 weeks. And I know its not their fault, but one of my friends made an off-handed comment one day and that made me feel a million times worse. And I've been really snappy lately and I feel so bad about it constantly. And my mom and I think I was misdiagnosed with ptsd because I dont exhibit any symptoms and honestly never did. Autism and ptsd share symptoms and I just dont think I have ptsd from whats happened in my past. And my brother also thinks he may be autistic. Autism also runs in our family, so...yeah.
I also feel like shit because I haven't been taking as good care of our cats as I should be. I love them and want to see them happy, but my parents also refuse to help clean their litter boxes. And thats the big thing I struggle with. And one of our cats has been doing their business on the floor. No matter how many times we clean it up,she still does it. And its really irritating, but i also think she just...cant get into the box. She's like...12-13 and I've been trying to get my parents to buy better things for the cats. We have 4. And we dont even have a cat tree for them. And my cats love climbing. They would have so much fun crawling on a cat tree. And I cant do anything about it because im a highschool student who cant even get a job. I don't even have my drivers learners permit yet.
And that's another thing!! I honestly think my parents are done parenting. My brother went off to college, and everything fell onto me. And like I understand that my parents work hard and that they're older (mom is 54 almost 55 and dad is 52 almost 53) and they need to rest but god damn. Im still a child. Most people arent the sole cleaner, cooker, and pet caretaker. Most people my age don't make grocery lists for their parents. Most kids my age focus on their part-time jobs and school. They actually did stuff before my brother went to college. I just want them to understand how I feel about it. I like cooking and I dont mind cleaning, but it becomes a problem when im the only one doing it. And yeah, I get $50 in allowance every month, and I'm grateful that my parents are able to afford to give me that much, but my mom always pulls the "we give you allowance for chores,". Chores is things like un/loading the dishwasher, taking the trash out, cleaning litter boxes, making bed, ect. Not cleaning the entire trainwreck of a kitchen by yourself and trying to make sure the floor is clean before your friend comes over for the first time in months. They're not parenting anymore, and it makes me upset. I feel like im just a random person in their house. Genuinely, my mom spends more times working on her acrylic nails than actually parenting. And she wonders why I get so irritated with her. She says hi to the cat before she does me.
And I don't even know if my dad likes me anymore. I think im just another financial burden to them. Im just a depressed high schooler with chronic illness who can't even go to school everyday. I feel so useless. I dont even know if I want to go to college. I don't even know how I have friends. I'm not a nice person. I get mean and defensive really easily, and my teasing turns mean really quickly.
I don't know why I am this way. Am I cursed? Is someone even reading this? All I do is shut people out and listen to music. I don't know why I became so rude. I just want to be remembered. But at the same time, I don't think I'm worth remembering. I'm not exceptional at anything. Even my once okayish writing has gone down greatly. I used to get praise for my reading skills and now I can't even read a 300 page book.
I feel so gross and useless and im depressed. How worse can it get? Im also extremely paranoid. I constantly feel like people are judging my every move. Even when im alone in the shower. I still feel people watching me. I should've probably told my therapist about that when I was still in therapy but my dumbass didn't even think to talk about that. Just that oh i saw my friend. Oh i started public school again. You know what? No one cares. And I probably wasted my therapists time. And my dads. Having to drive me across houston just to see her. No wonder no one likes me. Im fucking irritating. Thats why I have 3 friends at school. And 3 friends out of school. And one of them doesn't talk to me anymore, and another lives out of city.
The other is wonderful and amazing and I want them to constantly be happy and comfortable but I cant do that at my house because my parents don't help. Im starting to realize im kind of like a live in cleaner. Thats all I ever do in my freetime. Cleaning up after my parents. My mom acts like shes 15 and my dad doesn't rinse his dishes.
Thats another thing. Along with them not really parenting anymore, I think they've given up on me. Specifically on trying to get me to school. I miss school about once a week to once every couple weeks because I have bad flare ups. As I'm typing this, I can feel my legs aching. It hurts. And it makes it hard for me to go to school like that. The last time I did my back starting seizing during UIL rehearsals. And I couldn't leave. But today was one of those days and I genuinely felt like crap. My dad just agreed and didn't argue. Normally he argues with me about it because "I need to suck it up and do what the rest of us do.". I understand that everyone hurts and has bad days, but I genuinely get so bad during those days. And everyday has been one of those days for the last 6 months. But my parents don't really discipline me. They don't track my every move. They dont even make grocery lists anymore. Or really go to the store often. But our fridge and pantry is filled with a bunch of junk. Leftovers, empty foods that need to be thrown away, and literally so much more.
My mom is also a hoarder and constantly buys new things for herself. Like with her nail stuff. Im glad shes got something going for her outside of work, but why does she need 50 different glitters? I guess one could argue that im the same way with paints, but I dont leave my paints all over the living room area. And she literally has so much clothing. And most of it is on her floor. Its almosy unwalkable and I constantly stumble in her room. And our garage is filled with mostly her stuff. Clothes, old books, even her teacher stuff. Why does she have so much??
It irritates me because she'll say she doesn't have money for something, such as a cat tree, but then buy like...$200 worth of clothes and makeup at walmart, when we could've bought groceries and a cat tree with that. She just...irritates me idk.
Anyways, yeah. I think this is long enough for now. Goodmorning, goodnight, good...whatever idfk. Remember to drink water and eat something.
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im not trying to be antagonistic here, genuinely want to understand where you're coming from. if you believe all relationships where there are power imbalances are abusive, what are examples of relationships that arent? is it impossible to have a relationship with a grandfather who are disabled and dying, or a brother who got in an accident and cant walk anymore, or a niece who is a part of a racial minority that you arent? what are examples of equal relationships without any power imbalance? should a student never learn from a teacher who is a few decades older and has respect in his field that the student does not yet? im not sure what you think the lines are.
im asking on anon only because youre currently under a lot of scrutiny and id rather not have that transferred to me, but i hope all this isnt making you feel too bad.
There are very few relationships without power imbalances. I have a lack of imagination, but the ones that come to mind are as follows:
Students in school in the same class who don't have any friends but are in the same class and get similar grades
Co-workers who have the same job title/duties/pay and work together but go their separate ways after they clock out
Identical twins that have an identical social circle
You can reason, quite fairly, that most relationships between people are inherently abusive or predatory. I believe relationships as a state are inherently unhealthy, and that there has to be active work to mitigate any harm that arises from them. The best way to reduce the harm is make it as reciprocal as possible, and that can only be done if the relationship is equalized, or at least the parties within treat each other equally. That way at worst, any abuse will be mutual, or at best it would not exist due to Mutual Assured Destruction.
A teacher being abusive doesn't mean a student can't learn from them any more than a person being abusive doesn't make everything they do worthless. In fact, to teach people requires a level of force. As long as the benefit of learning outweighs any harm done. However, given how easily the harm done by a teacher can slip from mild to severe due to the level of trust teachers are given, that benefit can quickly become weightless and meaningless, while abuse sinks like a load.
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Getting started woo XD
alrighty soooooooo i thought maybe itd be a decent idea to document as i make progress on first game just so i can look back and see how things went.
im making a darker themed (sort of) open world, exploration, active time battle RPG, wich first and foremost im making in a way i find enjoyable. particularly the story will be very personal to me and i doubt it will be appealing to most.
im using RPG Developer Bakin, with absolutely 0 prior experience in... anything
so far im still laying out the groundwork.
things 'done' so far
general things
-written the start of the story and 3 endings
-the basics of the worldmap, including flying
-all 3 main characters are written down how i want them to be
-first person view works
combat
-ATB system works
-implemented an extra resourcebar for special attacks
-multi-action system per 'turn' works. turns arent really like your typical rpg battle system. instead its heavily based on time, movement points,
things i need to work on soon
-find a way to change movement points into action points
-implement a way to manage aggro during battle
-skilltree (will be scripted by someone in the coming month)
once these things are done and combat works for the most part i can start working on other things. i have yet to decide wheter i want to go for 2d art for the characters/enemies or not.
im currently learning blender as i need to create 3D assets, but creating characters in 3D including animation etc might be too much for me.
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