#Sorry for disappearing for literal months I have been in a Very Weird Headspace!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

letsdiscoverkitty · 3 years

Text

Treatment/Recovery Update - May 2021

Okay, I will try to ramble less in this one (so sorry!) ^ well that didn't happen!

In terms of when I did leave hospital, as I mentioned a tiny bit in the last post, my EDP was completely AWOL. A month before I was due to be discharged she came to a meeting with myself and my consultant, during which we set up 4 appointments that would be over zoom before I was discharged to help with relapse prevention and the transition home, as well as setting out, in principle, the therapeutic support that I would be getting once home...it all sounded great, so great. But as usual when it comes to my team, it was too good to be true (should have called it). I attempted to contact her when our appointments never happened but I kept being met by a brick wall; no one knew what was happening, all I got told was that she was "off"... Time passed and I was discharged with only a phone call booked in from someone from the general team to check I was safe a few days later (it was literally 5 minutes, long if that) and an appointment to do physical monitoring the next wee....a far cry from the original discharge plan *sigh* Coming home was a bit of a whirlwind. We were approaching Christmas but we were still under a lot of restrictions with COVID, so it was a very strange/messy/weird few weeks.

Time continued to pass and there was still no confirmation around therapy or support, even the ED team didn't know what was happening with L, I just continued to go to two weekly physical monitoring. In the end, with nowhere else to turn, I contacted my consultant from hospital. To say that she was mad that nothing had been in place/I had no support would be an understatement and I thank my lucky stars that she was able to get involved. It took a couple of weeks but I finally had my first session with a therapist in February. In total it took about 8-9weeks from discharge to see someone, which, well, was hard.

Upon reflection, I think one of the biggest things I struggled with with coming home was that I had literally no leave to practice beforehand. This meant that I unfortunately slipped back into old habits very quickly as, well I know it is no excuse but coming back to the same environment your brain easily slips into automatic mode and you find yourself doing what you "used" to do without realising it.

I was in, I would say, quite a vulnerable state when I left hospital (the last few months there were pretty rocky to say the least) and the day before I was discharged (as I mentioned in a previous post somewhere) I was handed 3 different, very conflicting, meal plans and the nutritionist who had previously been very horrible to me and who had been away for a number of weeks, told me that she did not think I could continue to recover at home and that the best possible case would be if I only lost a bit of weight over the next 6 months....I think you can probably guess how badly this was taken and how messy my mind was. So with 3 meal plans in hand, none of which I had practiced, with little to no support from the ED team, I was, essentially, crisis managing, simply trying to get through each day.

I know, I know. Classic kitty - stuck record. failure. mess. making a million and one excuses. trying to make out like she is fine to the rest of the world when in fact inside she was falling apart. sigh.

In terms of my weight recovery I was not discharged at a healthy BMI/weight, which my consultant was sad about, however I was in a much better place than when I was admitted (I think I had gained about half the weight I would have needed to from when I was admitted to get to a healthy weight). I will admit that part of me does wonders whether staying would have been beneficial, because on a very basic level yes it could have helped in some ways. However if I stretch my mind back to when I was still on the ward ,it actually still floods me with anxiety and fear because of how UNHELPFUL the environment had sadly become. It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced an EDU, but the patient groups can and do make a massive of differences. I was vvv lucky that when I was initially admitted, and for the first good couple of months, it was a v supportive and recovery focused environment. However, by about late Sept/early October ,things turned completely upside down (which was not helped by the fresh COVID lockdowns either) and even staff were saying how terrible it had gotten and how they could not believe the things that they were being asked to manage on the progression ward. There were times when I felt incredible unsafe on the ward and feared for others patients, which is not "okay". I genuinely believe that staying any longer would have likely made my mental health decline further; I had already found the massive shift was negatively affecting me and I think staying would have been unwise. I had also gained quite a lot of weight and was, I hate to admit, struggling with both coming to terms with that along with dealing with everything that you are continually facing when going through treatment/recovery alongside working on trauma stuff. I know none of that is any worthy excuse, but that was how it was...At this time I was struggling a lot with my meal plan and had quite a few lapses whilst on the transition phase of the unit however despite screaming out for help/support from staff, because of the acute situation on the ward, I was just left. They knew I was struggling, I was told time and time again that they had not forgotten me, but did I get help? no. It was actually made worse by the then nutritionist who sat me down like a naughty school girl and basically told me that I was a failure and that I would never achieve anything in life blah blah blah (please see a past post if you want to know more) which made me even more scared to reach out for 'help'/'support'. So no, I don't think staying would have helped much, which is a real shame.

Therapy wise I had a bit of a rough ride in there (god I'm really selling this aren't I?!). When admitted I was not in a place for 'traditional' therapy what so ever; looking back I honestly have no idea how I was even 'functioning' (was I functioning? probably not) and even the group therapies were a struggle but my consultant stuck with me and with time I was able to process a little more. One thing that helped me beyond words was 1:1 Art Therapy. This was not something I had accessed before, only ever doing group sessions in the past which was mostly about getting away from the ward and doing a bit of art. I cannot reiterate enough how different and HELPFUL the 1:1 sessions were. The art therapy, who I knew from the last year and is an absolutely GEM, helped me to begin to process and work through the trauma that I had experienced with dad. It took a lot of time and persistence but I was able to use those sessions in so many ways and I will forever be grateful to P for supporting me (I was so lucky to be able to have 1:1 sessions for the majority of my 8 admission).

The more traditional therapy initially took the form of 30min sessions with my consultant once to twice a week (as much as I hated them, she was bloody good). I also had a review and a few sessions with the lead therapist via zoom (she was heavily pregnant so was working from home) not long after being admitted, but she soon went on maternity leave. This left me to be picked up by her student, who was actually incredible. We did a long extended piece of work on my perfectionism which, again, was SO helpful but she sadly left (for bigger and better things) and I was left hanging for a while as there were no other openings. A new lead therapist started and after a while he did a few sessions with me before leaving suddenly (I think even staff only had a weeks notice, which was ridiculous), so I was back to twiddling thumbs for a few weeks. I then met with a therapist who worked 2 mornings a week that I saw a bit during my last admission but we didn't do many sessions and it just fell away. This was mostly my fault as by this point I was questioning my admission and whether I would self discharge as there were some not good things going on on the ward, so I wasn't really in the headspace to explore things deeply and had been picked up and put down so many times that I just couldn't do anymore. Throughout that time though I continued to see my consultant weekly, mainly focusing on mindfulness and other therapy styles thrown in there too at times.

I will forever be thankful/grateful for the admission I had, especially to be under a different consultant (for COVID reasons they had to split things differently as they would usually do it by area but that wasn't possible at the time I was admitted) as her approach made a huge difference. I still remember one of the first things she said to me was that she couldn't believe/was that I had been placed on the SEED pathway and that she believed that I could be more than that, which honestly, gave me a little bit of hope (something that had been ripped apart and shredded by my usual consultant multiple times).

But back to now.... I have now been seeing a new therapist weekly (when possible) since February and, in a backwards way, I am so glad that L disappeared off the grid because the "support" I was going to be getting under the original plan was just sessions with her to do some self guided self help stuff, whereas with this therapist we have actually been doing some HELPFUL work. In terms of L, I think the last I was told she never returned to work and has now left the team (we have a sneaky feeling that she either had a complete break down or that it was due to too may complaints (mum called this a long time ago as she was not qualified for the role at all and was utterly useless), which, yeah, was strange to not get an ending as I had worked with her for a few years. Anyway, I've been doing SCHEMA therapy with this new lady (I'd not heard of it before) and at first I was a bit reluctant but it's been incredibly insightful. I continue to learn more about myself and the reasons why I may have gone down certain roads each session. HOWEVER. and this is a big however. There has been a bit of a snag in the rope.

In short, yes I have been engaging really well with the therapy side, my weight and physical health has only continued to deteriorate since i was discharged. We are talking classic kitty of slowly slipped backwards, nothing dramatic, nothing to make alarm bells go off or warrant a review, but it's not been good. Anorexia is screaming at me for saying all of this, it shouts "but you weigh so much more than when you were admitted, you are a complete fraud blah blah blah" which is all the same old boring drivel it always spews out. But basically Im in dangerous waters now in terms of losing therapy/not being able to engage with therapy properly if things dont improve. Ive been in classic stuck mode, getting so absorbed by the numbers and the bubble that AN offers, that I have been numb to it all. The HCA I was seeing was really trying to help me to make changes but she left a while ago (she was going back to train as a nurse) and since then I have had the odd appointment here and there (I think it fell to every 3 weeks for a while as there were no available appointments) with people trying to cover the clinic until someone else is hired for the role, which is far from ideal as they literally just do the necessary obs and send you on your way.

Okay that sounds like yet another excuse, which is probably is, but it's not been an easy ride since I left hospital to say the least.

BUT this past week things have begun to shift a little. I was honest with my therapist about the whole food/meal plan side of things and we actually spoke about how we can't focus on therapy things until I am in a more stable place, which is both really hard to hear but also exactly what I need to hear. I am actually being more open to change, which is a shift from where I was just a week ago. It is bloody painful, even just thinking about it all hurts/is exhausting and I am still very much in the darkness /struggling with it but there is now a little part of me that is screaming out and trying to be heard. There is a little part of me that WANTS to get out of this endless messy limbo that this relapse has been and wants to start stepping back into "recovery". There is part of me that wants a chance. And I've got to start listening to that side a little more.

I promise, the next update will be a little more positive Stay tuned.

#personal #update #If anyone actually reads this you deserve a medal #im sorry #this is a crappy update #I promise there are more positive things to come #I have things to tell you all!!!

30 notes · View notes

cal-puddies · 5 years

Text

without me 5 years || ashton irwin

part 1 can be found here!

Ashton’s eyes light up as he watches you walk in the room. It was a big night for him and he was so happy to have you and the guys be apart of it. He was accepting his 5 years sober chip.

It hadn’t been easy, he didn’t come home and everything was fixed. There were more slip ups.

You guys fought. A lot. Especially in the beginning, with the counselor, and you’d had to find a new one. They’d encouraged you to give him a kid when you didn’t feel it was right because they thought it’d help his recovery.

He went on a four day bender with alcohol when you’d adamantly said no, and he almost got himself moved back into Calum’s. But he came home and told you all about it, took a shower and then an Uber to a meeting.

He was going daily for a while. It was hard to be sober when most parts of your career are drinking or have drinks involved.

But at the end of most days, even the hardest ones, you two talked it out and went to bed together, he’d wrap you in his arms and tell you he loved you. He never wanted you to feel otherwise.

And you were pretty much always on tour with him now, the one he could depend on to keep him straight.

You didn’t mind. As long as he was healthy and happy and not using, you could deal. And he’d let you off the hook a lot too, spending the night playing games with Mikey so you, Luke, and Cal could go have a few drinks.

“Mike?” Ash asked, on one of those nights. “Do you think, while we were separated, that she ever saw anyone else?”

“Uh… guess I never really thought about it. She like disappeared for 3 months though.” He shrugged. “I dunno, Crys and I were so busy with the baby, that I don’t think either of us ever even texted her back after she congratulated us.” He bit his lip, “Cal would probably be the one to know.”

“Yeah… but I’m also afraid it might have been Cal… so would he really tell me?”

“I don’t think you should sell Cal short. He loves you so much, otherwise he wouldn’t have put up with all your bullshit. I really truly believe them when they say they’ve never done anything. I think you should too, and I think you should stop trying to accuse them of that.” Mike defended you, because he was sick of hearing it.

“I know you’re right.” Ash nodded.

“Besides… what good does it do you now to know that? If she did, it might upset you, even though you did too, and if she didn’t it also might upset you because you feel guilty or something. I just don’t see this as serving a purpose.” He shrugged.

“Yeah I get it. I just… sometimes feel like she’s keeping something from me.”

“Even if she is, I promise you there’s a reason for it, and I’d bet she doesn’t want to hurt you or it won’t affect you at all.”

“Mike… was I ever bad to her in front of you?” He asked.

“Only at the baby shower. You’d been off with her, like you’d been with us… but you never gave any indication of doing the things I know you did.” He shrugged.

“Hmm… I think I’m gonna go to bed, just in a weird headspace.”

“You gonna be alright dude?” Mike asked.

“Yeah. Just gonna get some sleep. You’re right.” He nodded.

You found him freshly showered and in bed with your laptop when you got back. “Hey babe,” you’d greeted.

“Hey… sorry,” he noticed you looking at your laptop, “mines dead and I wanted to watch something on Netflix.”

“That’s ok babe.”

Ash watched you for a minute before going back to the laptop. “D’you have fun?” He asked.

“Yeah. You?” You asked, disappearing to brush your teeth.

“Not really.” He admitted.

You came back out when your face was clean and teeth brushed, “what’s wrong?”

“I just… weird headspace.” He shrugged.

“Wanna talk about it babe?” You got on the bed next to him.

“Did you ever see anyone else?” He asked, not able to look you in the eye.

“When we were separated?” You clarified. He nodded and you took a minute to think back. “Not really. I mean I had drinks with one guy but it was never more than that. I was just… focused on you, and me and figuring out what us not together meant. It was a really tough time for me Ash. I barely saw the guys and I honestly didn’t want to. I wanted to figure out what it’d be like to lose all of you.”

“You never would have lost all of us.” He disagrees.

“Ash, after everything. I’d have needed a clean break. Because Cal or Luke would have always talked about you and how you’re doing, and I couldn’t bring myself to stop caring.” You sigh, “it would have been too much.” You admit.

It’s the first time in a long time Ash saw how truly vulnerable you were.

“I really almost fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me because I was so fucking selfish, all I could think about was me.” He gently touched your face.

You sighed, and kissed his palm, and then turned the lamp off next to the bed and tried to go to sleep.

But you barely did. Ash had no problem.

You were up and out of bed early, packing your stuff to get back on the bus. Ash was up an hour later than you and he looked at you, moving quietly around the room, getting dressed. He slipped out of bed and wrapped his arms around you from behind, kissing your cheek.

“I’m gonna meet Cal for breakfast, do you want me to bring you anything?” You asked.

“Um, am I not invited?” He checked.

“I’m meeting him in about 5 minutes. So unless you can get showered and packed in five minutes… don’t think you’re going to make it.” You shrug.

“You coulda woke me up.” Is all he said, getting in the shower.

But honestly, you didn’t want to, you wanted to talk to Cal alone, you needed to get out of the bad headspace Ash put you in before bed or it was going to be a long day.

You met Cal and his security on the elevator, they ask if Ash is joining because they’d want to get his guys, but you let them know that he wasn’t joining you. You dropped your bags at the bus, and then headed to the cafe around the corner.

“Talked to Mike last night,” Cal started, “said Ash asked him if he thought you and I saw each other while you were separated. And honestly baby, I’m so fucking tired of that question.” He groaned.

“Yeah, tell me about it.” You sighed. “I’m tired of constantly defending myself to him… I feel like he still looks for reasons to do this. He did it all the time when he was using.”

And that sparked a huge fight among the band.

Cal climbed in the bus after breakfast, you were right behind him, Luke let you know they were waiting on Ashton.

“Did you enjoy breakfast with my wife?” Ash asked, passing by you guys, to his bunk.

“What? No. We’re not doing this anymore.” Cal says. He follows Ash and pushes him into the back lounge, kicking Mike out, pushing him back toward where you and Luke are standing. “Fuck you Ash.” You all can hear him, and you’ve honestly never seen Cal this way before. “You’re wife loves you, I fucking love you, you’re my brother and I’d never do anything like that to you and neither would she. And I’m fucking sick of this. We don’t fucking deserve this Ash. Do you realize you put all of us through hell? Every single one of us has had to put up with something stupid, or idiotic with you and you just keep coming back to the same fucking thing with me and your wife and guess the fuck what? We don’t want anything from each other except friendship, the friendship we already are very happily involved in. I’m so fucking tired of this. She’s tired of this. Why the fuck do you think she needs a fucking friend, someone close that knows what’s going on? I’m just… im fucking done.” Cal says, storming out of the back without ever letting Ash say a word.

The friendship remained strained for awhile. Cal and Ash really didn’t speak for at least a few weeks. And then Ashton takes you both out to dinner to talk.

He starts with an apology and Cal just rolls his eyes, he doesn’t want to hear it.

“Cal. Seriously, just hear me out man. I know. I’ve been ridiculous with this. I just… I think I needed to find to a reason to deserve you two. Because I don’t feel like I do right now, and if you guys had been less than amazing then maybe I would…”

“Don’t do that. Don’t blame us. You fucked up Ash. We just did what we could to support you. This is a you problem. Me, and you’re amazing, patient wife, who has given up her life to help you, have done nothing but support you Ash, literally changed our fucking lives, and to pay us back you constantly accuse us of hooking up behind your back and you come here with the audacity to insinuate that we have something to do with it.”

Cal folds his arms over his chest and you let out a sigh. You frown at Ash and push away from the table, you briefly look at Cal, “I want to go home. Like LA home. I don’t wanna do this anymore.”

“Baby?” Ash asked.

“I can’t anymore. I’m exhausted Ash. I’m going home.” You left, walked out and got in a cab.

You were gone and so was your stuff when he got back to the hotel.

You only texted to let him know when you made it back to the states. You made it a point to answer at least 1 phone call a week and 2 texts a day. But you knew things needed to wait, and you needed a break. And Ash respected that. You’d been cooped up together for months on end, and you needed the space.

“Hey.” He drops his bag in the laundry room and comes to the kitchen where you were making dinner when he got home.

“Hi.” You greet.

He came around the counter and pulled you into a hug, “missed you on the end of the tour, I know Calum did too.” He kissed your cheek and then pulled away, and you pull him back in for a kiss. “I was honestly expecting divorce papers.” He explains.

“Well it crossed my mind the first few days. I won’t lie.” You turn back to dinner, “I was really mad when I left and tired and frustrated. Touring is your lifestyle, not mine and I was… just done. But after I got home and spent time around the house I realized that was rash.” You sigh, “but I never want that accusation to cross your lips again. I swear to god Ash, I will divorce you.”

“You know that’s the first time you’ve ever verbalized that threat? I mean, I’ve always known it was a possibility, but you’ve never said it.”

“Do you ever think, like, I could have chosen Cal if I wanted Cal, you know that? I had my opportunities. But it’s you Ash, it’s always been you. But I can’t make you see that. Cal can’t make you see it… I’m at my wits end with this.”

“I hear you, baby, I do.” Ash nods. “I’m… it’s off the table. Cal kinda read me the riot act about it too.”

“Good.” You’re quiet a moment, “you guys good?”

“Yeah, we are.” He nods, “so… are we? I mean I know we aren’t right now, but will we be?” He checks.

“Yes. I think we will be.” You nod. And then you’re quiet for a while. “Made your favorite.”

“I know. You always do.” He smiles.

And that brought you to year three sober. Year 4 was relatively unremarkable. You were proud of Ashton, absolutely, but you could tell he was getting antsy.

Luke and his girlfriend had a one year old, Mike and Crystal went everywhere with two toddlers, and Calum and his girlfriend had just gotten another dog, rounding their herd out to 4.

Luckily, you had a surprise for him tonight, after getting his five year chip.

The speech his sponsor gave the group was nothing short of inspired, and it made you even more proud.

Cal approaches you about half way through the party, “have you said anything?” He asks.

“No, I’m letting him do his thing. I’ll tell him in a bit.” You shrug.

“You look proud.” He smiles softly at you.

“I’m very proud. He’s worked so hard.” You agree.

“He has, he has. But don’t discount yourself here baby. You’ve also worked hard.” Cal reminds you. He wraps his arm around your shoulder and kisses the side of your head.

Ash finally makes his way to you and shows you his chip with a big grin on his face. “I’m so proud of you Ash.” You grin, pulling him into a hug.

“Thanks baby.” He pulls out of the hug and grins at you. “I love you.”

“I love you.” You smile, “and I need to tell you something.” You see worry flash in his eyes and you gently squeeze his hand. “It’s ok baby. I’m pregnant.” You say quietly.

“Wait what?!” He asks, completely shocked. “I’m gonna… we’re… baby?”

“You’re gonna be a dad. I’m 14 weeks.” He holds his hand over his mouth like he might cry, and you just lean up and kiss his cheek. “Tell everyone when you want, this is obviously a very important milestone, but I know you’ve wanted this and it seemed like the right time.”

He nods and turns to face the most people, and very loudly announces, “I’m gonna be a dad!” He turns back to you and pulls you in for another hug.

Taglist: @cocktail-calum @1dthewantedlove @september09241994 @youngblood199456 @lustingforwunder @calumsphile @neso-k @rosecoloredash @radmcqueen @justayoungandwisefangirl @itsnotmyblood @slimthicccal @softboycal @lietoash @pushthetide21 @5sosfanficrec

masterlist || ashton || calum || luke || michael

wanna be tagged? go here

#ashton irwin #ashton #without me #5 years later #cass #5sos #5 seconds of summer #husband!ash #sober #please let me know your thoughts!

165 notes · View notes

midnightsorciere-blog · 5 years

Text

Our System: Introduction

So, this is something I’ve wanted to do for a while, but have been sort of putting off. In case you'd didn’t already know, I am part of a multiple system. Now I’m not professionally diagnosed or anything, so I don’t know whether we have DID or OSDD, but if I had to guess I’d say it’s more likely OSDD. Having a label for it isn’t terribly important to me, but I figured it might be helpful in getting a basic understanding of how our system works in general.

But I’m not going to go into detail about all that right now (though I might later if anyone’s interested). Today, I just wanted to do some basic introductions for all of us here! Partly so people can get to know us a little better, and partly because it fulfills some of my therapy goals. I’ll put it under a cut in case it runs a little long (sorry mobile users, you’re still screwed).

Our system name is the Arcadian System. I wish I had some grand reason why we chose this, but the reality is that none of us could agree on a name, so we all just decided to go after our town name in Animal Crossing, which is Arcadia. For a very long time we never had an actual identity as a system, but after a recent crisis which involved some alters disappearing for a time, others being shoved to the front and being ‘stuck’ there, and then others switching way more often than we ever have before, we figured it was necessary. I of course can’t speak for every system, but for us, having a group name-something we can all identify as no matter who’s fronting-really helped our internal communication.

Now, when we went through and tried to create a system map, we found that some of us already had names, and some of us didn’t, and some of us refused to pick one. What we ultimately decided on was assigning each of us a color. So in our little bios, if you only see a color as a name, it’s either because they don’t have/want any other name, or because they don’t want to share their actual name. Anyway, let’s get on with it!

Name: Green/JayDee

Age: 17

Gender: Nonbinary

Orientation: Ace, Grey Aro

Fav vine/meme: Hewwo Mr. Obama

Description: Green’s the one who originally got us into Tumblr. They used to be @woodlandprincen, but then they deleted that one and moved to @starbound-solivagant. They try to be very compassionate and understanding, and I think they were the most concerned out of all of us with making friends. They’re highly sensitive, which makes them very empathetic, but also prone to getting hurt most easily. A very black and white thinker, but also idealistic in nature.

Name: Blue

Age: 24

Gender: Male

Orientation: Demisexual, 90% gay, 10% ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Fav vine/meme: Adam!

Description: Blue is the one who actually discovered Tumblr first, but he never actually made a blog. He just went through and screenshotted posts he liked, so now we have a folder with literally hundreds of photos in it. Still bitter about how Pepe the frog was co-opted by nazis. He tends to be the most chill and responsible out of all of us, but he’s also a bit of a control freak. He thinks he runs our life the best, so he despises relinquishing the front spot once he’s up there. But, that makes him very prone to burnouts. Equally as likely to be reading all the nonfiction on the internet as watching the 30th vine compilation at 3 in the morning.

Name: Red

Age: 31

Gender: Female

Orientation: don’t fucking try it

Fav vine/meme: pretty much anything by Sarah Schauer

Description: The oldest of all current alters, and also the only alter mentally older than the body. Considers herself ‘retired’, and has absolutely no interest in fronting. Generally pretty snarky, and very low empathy. Kind of a bitch, but she's gotten a lot better. Whereas she used to be incredibly antagonistic during our teenage years, she’s now mellowed out and functions as a sort of protector for the system. Is an excellent writer, and she doesn’t even have to try very hard, and I’m incredibly jealous. She’s a heavy smoker (although we switched to e-cigarettes), and would be the most likely to try drugs if she didn’t think they were too expensive. She runs on spite and a general ‘fuck everything’ attitude.

Name: Clear

Age: N/A

Gender: Agender

Orientation: N/A

Fav vine/meme: N/A

Description: Clear is a bit of a strange one. They have a very hard time focusing, so they don’t go on the internet much. From the outside, they could easily be confused for a little-they’re mostly nonverbal, they have a hard time reading, and their vocabulary is limited. But rather than being young, they’re just very much withdrawn. They live mostly in their own little world, which is fine for the most part, but causes problems when they front for long periods of time. And because they only front for a few hours, or a day at most, they’ve never needed to develop much of a personality outside the headspace. Their thinking patterns are also very abstract. They’ve thought it might be closer to how an animal experiences the world. They live a peaceful semi-existence, and they seem happy with that.

Name: Indigo

Age: 24

Gender: Demigirl

Orientation: ?

Fav vine/meme: Doesn’t have one yet

Description: She’s the second newest alter we have. She’s high maintenance, and extremely selfish. She’s also not one to be trifled with. While she can generally put on a nice front long enough to get her way, internally, she’s already thought of several ways to ruin/blackmail you. But only if she thinks you deserve it. Because of how confrontational and vengeful she can be, she’s generally kept from fronting by all the other alters. When she is allowed to front, it’s only during times where she either can’t do any damage, or her temperament is needed to protect the system.

Name: Black/Midnight

Age: 24

Gender: Female

Orientation: Sapphic (mostly)

Fav vine/meme: Gandalf Sax

Description: It me! :D I am the currently fronting alter, and also the newest (kind of, it’s complicated). I’m actually not entirely my own identity, but rather a combination of several other alters: Green, Blue, Clear, Purple, and Indigo. If you think of alters as their own paints, then I’m not my own paint, nor am I all those paints mixed together. Rather, I am a box that has all the paints inside. So I’m just one alter, but I’m always in communication with the other alters, and I can break down into those separate components if need be. I don’t know if this is considered integration, or co-conciousness, or what. But it’s what I am right now. Personality-wise, I’m this weird combo of trying too hard to be relatable, and also trying too hard to be mysterious and cool. So I’m just generally super awkward. Plus my brain acts like English is my second language and I don’t have a first, which is why I can’t fuckin read and I say things like ‘I got gangbanged by skeletons’. But despite that, I’m still trying to be a writer cause I actually like writing (or the thinking about stuff part, anyway). It’s just the getting it out intelligibly part I struggle with.

Honorable Mentions

Purple: Oldest alter any of us can remember, gone. None of us has been able to communicate with Purple in years, so it’s assumed that she either integrated, or otherwise just stopped existing. However, I’ve been getting some of Purple’s memories back, bit by bit these past few months, so there’s something of her left.

Orange: No communication, presumed no longer existing. The only memories we have of Orange’s are of the abuse we went through during their relationship at that time. Everything else is incredibly sparse.

White: Persecutor, no longer existing, thankfully. Was incredibly cruel, continuously goaded Purple into self harm and several suicide attempts, always made their mental health worse. I don’t remember what happened to her, and Red doesn’t share those memories.

Pink: Succesfully integrated into later alters. Used to be a troublemaker. Got Purple and Red into dangerous situations for the ‘fun’ of it, then would bail and leave them to clean up the mess. Really just wanted attention and validation, but didn’t know how to go about getting it correctly.

And that’s it! I’ve had several more alters in the past, but I don’t remember them, and I don’t think any of my current alters do either. We have almost no memories of anything before age 11. But hopefully, you know a little more about us, and ergo about me. This was helpful for me, anyway. Sorry for the long ass post, but this deserved the space. Anyway, I wish you all well!

#about me #mulitiple #system #did #osdd #multiplicity #alters

2 notes · View notes