#SUI/SH MENTION OVER I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS ANYMORE. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

decomposingstrawberry · 1 year

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TW: thoughts of abandonment, brain fuckery, sui thoughts, mentions of sh, thoughts of being replaced and dicussions of my trauma (grooming and cheating).

I know no good things come at night, maybe I'll feel better in the morning. All I feel right now is that I'm going to scream if I don't just vent and get this off my chest.

I feel like I'm invisible. I try talking to my friends and I just get glossed over. I feel like I'm a mile away from them and that they're just so much happier without me being there weighing them down.

I'm stuck in this constant state of fearing that they're all going to leave me because they'll finally see what an utter piece of shit I am. I want to believe that they care about me but I just can't. That negative voice in the back of my mind is just too loud. I can't tune it out anymore.

I hate that all the men that I've been with that made me feel this way. I hate that they took away any sense of trust and safety I had. No matter what I was always just tossed aside when someone better finally came around and replaced me. They trained me to just be ready to be abandoned and replaced at the drop of a hat. I hate that they still have power over me.

Sometimes I just think that everyone would just be better off if I was dead. They wouldn't have to deal with my constant paranoia and needing reassurance. They wouldn't have to worry about accidentally saying or doing something that would trigger me.

I just wish I wasn't so broken.

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gonnabeokbabe · 4 years

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tw death, ptsd, grief, sh, sui, abuse, pet death

this past year has all just been too much and i don’t even know how to talk to people about it and i’m hoping that just putting it out here will help relieve some of the anxiety

my grandma passed away while i was on my flight home last night. i didn’t make it back in time to see her and it’s eating at me.

in the past 12 months i’ve

-gotten married

-welcomed a nephew

-found out my husband is ace, knew, and didn’t tell me for years which caused a large rift between us

-distanced myself from all irl friends and distanced myself as much as possible from my family without worrying them enough that they’d do something about it because i was unable to figure out how to talk to them about anything

-ptsd nightmares came back

-my husband opened our marriage (under the condition i could only have nonmen partners) because he didn’t want to keep pretending to enjoy or want sex with me or keep pretending that he was attracted to me in that way at all and i didn’t want or think he should have to but i also need that in my life and he could tell it was hurting me to not have it

-came out to my mom for the fourth time (didn’t mention that we opened our marriage), and while it went much better than before when she just refused to acknowledge it, it still wasn’t great

-my grandpa who was my rock’s health took a bad turn and i began spending most of my time with him and my grandma

-had a non-romantic fling with a friend that was short lived and felt hollow but that my husband was 100% on board with me having

-lost all romantic feelings for my husband and started trying to come to terms with our marriage being one of just very important friendship

-my grandpa passed and i fell into a very dark place without him and drowning in my grief

-completely unable to take care of myself, didn’t shower for over a month, began self harming again, used all energy i had to keep going to work, pay bills, and take care of my husband as much as i could (he wouldn’t take his necessary-to-live daily medications for his disease/chronic illness without constant reminders from me, would lie to me about taking them, would get sick from not taking them and it was all on me, wouldn’t eat without reminder, pay his bills i couldn’t pay without reminders, etc)

-i felt isolated, alone, my husband wasn’t even being a friend to me

-the apartment became infested with bugs and trash because neither of us were taking care of it

-became sui***al

-begged my husband multiple times just to take care of the necessary things he had to for himself, that i wasn’t even asking him to do anything for me or the apartment, but that i couldn’t handle the grief and my life and taking care of myself AND taking care of him like that

-fell in love with one of my best friends that i know online, didn’t tell her but did tell my husband and he was 100% okay about me having feelings for her and acting on them if i wanted to

-found strength in my online friendships and in wanting to Get Better while pretending that all the difficulty i had was solely because of my grief and began doing very small things for myself like showering and going on walks with their encouragement

-my husband started realizing i had begun focusing on myself and was getting better without him, got scared i was pulling away from him, and became incredibly manipulative, mentally abusive, and scary

-things escalated to a point that i left him and the apartment completely and went to stay with my parents and told them and the rest of my family and my online and irl friends everything (including about the girl i am in love with)

-after multiple difficult experiences (she got physical with us and didn’t recognize us most of the time we visited) between me and my cousins with my grandma who had dementia, we were told we were no longer allowed to see her

-focused on keeping my head above water while living with my parents again which is terrible for my mental health, navigating what to do next with my husband, cleaning up the apartment myself, and finally dealing with my grief

-decided mutually with my husband that we needed to get a divorce

-told my friend clearly about my feelings for her and she did with me, then she became my girlfriend on 10/31

-began seeing a counselor

-found out that my family knew i wasn’t okay and wasn’t showering but assumed i’d figure it out because my husband had always pretended everything was great when he was seeing them alone and when we went places with them

-officially moved out of the apartment with most of my things and moved in with my good friends, my husband moved in with his parents, and we split the animals between us

-my dad blew up at me on thanksgiving and yelled while i cried because i wasn’t doing enough with my life and i “shouldn’t have moved out of their house”

-spent the next couple weeks intensely cleaning the apartment and packing/dividing the rest of the stuff mostly alone

-was reminded that my extended family is very religious conservative anti-lgbt+, that they are finally accepting that i’m getting a divorce, but to not tell them about my girlfriend etc

-my husband told me that he is definitely ace but he’s not aro (he just lost feelings for me for a while while depressed and with my grief) and wants to try to work something out between us and i had to tell him no, we can’t

-one of our guinea pigs, the one he took, got sick the week of my birthday, and my husband thought he’d just get better, didn’t take him into the vet or tell me he was sick for three days, he passed two days before my birthday (on a thursday), i had to no show at work that friday because they still wanted me to come in

-had the worst birthday of my life after trying to stay home and cancel because i was still sensitive and grieving but was convinced to see my family anyway, with both my sister and my dad screaming at me, the first for me deciding i wasn’t going to my extended family’s christmas, the second for not spending more time with them, ended up having a full panic attack and throwing up in my parents bathroom then leaving, which made my mom incredibly sad that my birthday was so bad

-found out i can’t afford to have insurance this year

-finished cleaning the apartment and getting everything out, turned in my keys to my husband to turn in after he did the final walk through

-spent my first christmas without my grandpa, first without my grandma because she couldn’t leave the assisted living, first one without my husband in years and my first christmas not seeing my extended family

-went to chicago to spend time with my girlfriend and finally saw her in person, fell somehow more in love with her than before, experienced life being queer in a place that’s accepting and not where i fear for my safety whenever i’m noticeably queer or when i’m holding a fellow queer person’s hand in public and it was transformational, spent nye in the city with her and it was beautiful

-then my grandmas health took a sharp turn while i was there and i spent the last couple days trying to keep up with my family and with her while trying to get home

-cried the entire time at the airport leaving my girlfriend at the airport knowing it would be a while until i could see her again and knowing what i was going back to

-found out as soon as i got off the plane last night that my grandma passed while i was in the air and i didn’t make it back in time to see her.

there’s just been so much, and so much more than that, and i just don’t know how to deal with it all or process it all. i still have so much more to do with my grandma’s funeral, and legally getting the divorce, and experiencing my extended family hate me when they find out that not only did i get a divorce but i also have a girlfriend, i need to get a new job soon and move in somewhere on my own soon. my family keeps asking about my trip with my girlfriend amongst the grief and it’s fucking with me having them so connected.

i just don’t want to drown again, i’ve stopped SH and i’m not sui***al anymore, i want to keep moving forward and continue finding my place in the world, i’ve put in so much work to get to where i am mentally, but i still feel like i’m failing and i don’t know how to process my grandma dying and everything else right now, i don’t know how to navigate it all

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