alright i’m curious, what’s your cinderella hate essay

i got 2 asks for this and i dont want to disappoint The People…

also im putting this under a readmore because it got too long. im sorry for ranting about jojo's bizarre adventure. can you forgive my sins....

TLDR; cinderella (stand) is a love potion, love potions are nonconsensual and not compelling. it rips koichi of his free will, and yukako is able to manipulate him, without any pushback or consequences. there's no growth!!! araki still cannot write women!!!

also aya sucks too. cringe episode. cringe arc.

im so sorry for this incoming text wall

i think the first thing that's really important that i need to get out of the way first is that cinderella's ability IS a love potion. like straight up. and obviously love potion stories are creepy and unconsensual

when i say this, people tend to push back against the idea but its true. how else would you categorize it? koichi would not give yukako the time of day pre-cinderella, even for a second, and in the anime was even seen RUNNING AWAY FROM HER in fear when he saw her on the streets 😭.. and then, suddenly after yukako visits aya once, he is being kind to her. even worried about her. and willing to go to the cafe with her alone.

he is apparently so 'in love' with yukako that he decides to potentially GO BLIND FOR HER??? HUH??? these kids know NOTHING ABOUT EACH OTHER BTW!!! they have no common interests. in their first interactions, yukako thought he was a lying cheater who she needed to fix. and koichi literally hated her, and was terrified of her. she stressed him out so hard that he thought he killed his own stand

like, koichi is incredibly kind and forgiving, but literally nothing in their relationship changed so that he would be comfortable even being near her. its just too sudden. last time they were interacting, koichi was telling her that he hated her and complaining that she "never listens to anything [he says]". she has this pattern of ignoring his opinions and feelings... and it obviously didnt end in yukako falls in love.

also this line:

[Image ID: a picture of diu's official manga translation. aya tsuji is saying, "you're mistaken. in his heart, i'm sure that koichi has fallen in love with you. but his rational mind is still resisting you" /.End ID]

girl "his rational mind"??? you mean the mind that isn't attracted to her in any way.. who remembers the abuse, and how unwilling to change she is 😭

the existence of this arc erases any interesting character growth that yukako could have had. she goes from telling koichi that "i will make you love me, if i can't have you, i'll just kill you, you belong to me" etc etc etc, to "ok, maybe i don't need him after all" at the end of her initial episodes. and then suddenly she regresses back to "actually i do want him" and then she gets him, with no substantial growth on her end.

she isnt kidnapping him this time which is good i guess, but she continues to ignore koichi's free will and agency by "bending fate" so that they can be together. that's just not ok to me

but i think the reason why im so reactive to yukako's situation, and not someone similar like rohan, is that irl mangakas DON'T steal your memories for manga material (i'm pretty sure). but people ARE abused by their romantic partners. yukako's abuse is cartoonish, making koichi eat paper and erasers and building him an electric chair, but its still uncomfortable (especially considering she ends up with him in the end).

[Image ID: a cap from the jojo manga. yukako says, "and you'll thank me. you'll realize that you need me. you won't be able to go on living without me." koichi is sweating and looks shocked and angry /.End ID]

i also feel like people don't seem to take domestic abuse as seriously with women perpetrators. we girlbossify them instead. it all just feels so icky to me, i cant shake it.

everything is made worse by the fact that araki CANNOT!!! write women or f/m relationships well in early-mid era jojo. rohan, tamami and others in the koichi fanclub have clear character arcs, they get better. yukako just doesn't. or at least it isnt enough

aya tsuji is also a flop of a character as well.. i've never heard anyone talk about this, maybe just out of discomfort, but she seems like a predatory lesbian trope. there are a few scenes where she is touching yukako inappropriately or ogling her (and i know with araki's art, it's hard to remember, but she's 16!). it's honestly just so uncomfortable i hate it lol. it's a shame bc i love seeing stand users who aren't attacking the protags, and instead just use their stand for their jobs… but again. araki cant write women. at least women can actually have stands without dying now. but we are far from stone ocean... we'll get there eventually....

ok tbh i have more thoughts but i think for all of our sanity im going to end it here. also my browser glitched and deleted some of this so i wanna be done with it

listen. if you ship them thats fine, really i cant stop you, though i'd recommend thinking about the implications a little harder. yknow. maybe you could rewrite canon so its not incredibly creepy. bc araki flops sometimes and it is perfectly moral to correct him (i do it all the time!!!!!!!)

and for the people who make abuse jokes with them: you get no bitches. also tell your dad to stop calling me and sending me money, its really desperate and i already have enough boyfriends. its embarrassing

Hello!! I don't have anything to request right now but wow your writing style is just stunning. I don't think I've ever read anything quite like it, you weave together imagery and emotion so beautifully and there's just something so sensual about the way it flows? I hope that doesn't come across weirdly lmao it's just so gorgeous and reading it makes me feel like I'm watching an intricate dance routine or running my hands over silk, I love it sm. Ur rlly out here feeding us the highest quality content imaginable for free???? We are not worthy omg

Also I think my jaw actually dropped when I read that you were 16 like??? Can I ask when/why you started writing and how you developed your style? Sorry if you've answered these before :') and thank u for ur amazing writing <3

XBYUDBNXHBDUHF thank you so much!!! ♡  this was the first thing i read today when i woke up... im so happy it was this!! this means so much to me i cant even describe it properly, im sorry its taken me so long to whip up a response, ive just been looking and thinking about it for so long and i wanted to make sure i responded to it well!!!

im so happy you like my writing!! its actually been something i've been pretty insecure about, even when i still had my old blog. the only people i really showed my writing too was my brother and my friends, who ... you know... as my brother and my friends, why would they tell me my writing is bad? and even on my old blog, i didn't really feel like anything i was writing was like, actually good. but since i've started this new blog i've gotten so many nice messages and people telling me how much they love my writing and i just!!! it makes me soft... and makes me realize that maybe i'm not actually as bad as i thought lol

im going to put my answers to ur questions under a readmore!

i've been writing since i was around 11-12. obviously i had written before that for school and shit, but that was around the age when i started to have an interest in original stuff.

i've only started taking writing seriously for around 2 years, though, so since i've been 14. since i started taking it seriously, i've had a sudden jump in improvement-- mostly because it also coincides with the moment i realized what kind of writing i want to have.

my style itself wasn't all that impressive when i was like, 13-14. which is to be expected! but i think even in my writing from that time, you can kind of see the direction i wanted to go in, which is vivid description.

when i was 15 i finally realized what i wanted to do with my style, which was description. i like describing things. a lot. if u read the stuff i reposted i think u can see that, but i was still a little fledgling at it-- i used some words that i didnt really have a full grasp on, which is still a little sin that i continue to partake in... but you can't blame me ok, words r just so pretty and i need to use them all </3

ive actually only been writing fanfic since 2021 lol, before that all i wrote was self-insert stuff (still yandere, of course). the reason i started my [old] blog was because i was reading stuff on tumblr, and im pretty sure it was specifically a yandere childe post, and his characterization annoyed me so bad i decided to do it myself 💀 before that, the only fanfic i had written i think was like... 2 pieces, one about an interactive fiction game and the other about omniscient reader's viewpoint vxbfubfbg

idk what in particular led me to developing my style as it is now-- i kind of just try my best to make sure my readers can imagine the way the characters feel as best as possible. ultimately, the way i want my writing to be is i want people to kind of fall into it. i want someone to pick up my writing and feel the things the characters feel. i want someone to read my writing and be able to place themselves in the moment, and, for particularly my blog, i want people to read my writing and to feel loved. when someone tells me they got tingles from my writing its literally some of the highest form of praise, like!!!!!!!! if ur trying to seduce me it's working JUST SAYING...

i honestly still feel like i have a lot to improve on, but im so happy you like my writing so much! to think that people think my writing is so good is just such an amazing feeling, i feel like im walking on clouds <3

WHOA CPUKERFUFFLES POPPING OFF SO LETS TALK ABOUT IT

Quick post to both A) Sum up what CPUKerfuffle is for those who don’t know and B) Review last night’s Kerfuffle because things went crazy and we’re leading up to a climax

I’m putting it under a readmore since oops turns out I made this long as hell

CPUKerfuffle is a biweekly stream series where I make Level 9 CPU’s in Smash fight in tournaments. Kinda like that one guy on Youtube (who canonically does not exist in the universe of CPUK). I bring friends on as commentators and I give each player a name, along with a sort of character of their own that is in time defined by both improv acting and the actions in the tournament. Over time, characters become fan favorites and many return for future tournaments, and sometimes overarching narratives begin to form. And right now, we’re at the peak of one, so I’ll try to talk about The Plot of CPUKerfuffle as it stands right now.

So right now at the moment, the tournament has been subject to a hostile takeover by Red F!Wii Fit Trainer, also known as Doctor Order, a character submitted a few tournaments back when it was realized many characters have a backstory of being created by some experiment. Her goal seems to be to create the ultimate fighter, but it would appear she’s after something else. The Guardian of Time, Chartreuse (sister of what appeared to be the Guardian of Dimensions, Crimson which wreaked havoc on a previous tournament). Doctor Order has a tendency to create fighters meant to be clones of other fighters, such as Google the Green Roy acting as a clone of Bing the Green Chrom. Google would go on to attain sentience and despite being intrinsically built with an instinct to desire nothing but victory, learns humility and defects from Doctor Order. Other characters affected by Doctor Order’s many experiments are characters such as

Larry the Florida Man, who can shapeshift due to her influence (picking Random for every battle, but whose base form is a White-Coated Joker)

Perfect Spriteman, who used to simply be Spriteman (Green/Yellow Mega Man) who loved Sprite until Doctor Order corrupted that love into an inhuman obsession (Now manifesting as a Green/Yellow Piranha Plant)

Google Plus, a Green Marth made out of spite after Google defected who is nearly robotic in nature, using logical patterns to attain nothing but absolute victory (but still defected and is now kind of on a rampage)

Captain Quadratic, a Green Captain Falcon and a clone of Captain Valentine (Pink Cpt. Falcon), the champion of love and long-time face of CPU Kerfuffle. Corrupting his ideas of love, Doctor Order entered a doubles tournament with Captain Quadratic, revealing him to be a creation madly in love and deathly loyal to Doctor Order, seemingly physically unable to speak two sentences without drowning Doctor Order in compliments

So now that you know about Doctor Order and some of the characters in play, last night’s tournament consisted of eight fighters: Therapuppy (Teal Isabelle), Folk (Black Wolf), Google (aforementioned Green Roy), Geico Gecko (Green Ridley), Gamecube Controller (Purple Rosalina), Seachu (Aqua Pichu), Chartreuse (Teal Pyra/Mythra), and Sephiroth (Sephiroth)

This post is long enough as it is (I took too long talking about Doctor Order and the related characters lol) so here’s the relevant bits of the tournament:

Doctor Order promises anyone who can humiliate Google a free trip in a time machine

Therapuppy immediately humiliates Google but doesnt choose to ride

Seachu is the last remaining remnant of Team Aqua and is trying to recruit members. It’s unclear how effective this is

Chartreuse, being the guardian of time, is trying to call off the tournament since Doctor Order is having each battle feature Timer Items, which damage the fabric of time. It doesnt work, but she expends some of her power to at least not have any timer items during battles where she takes place

Folk also manages to humiliate Google, and upon requesting a time machine ride, Doctor Order says “sorry! One per person!”

It is then revealed that Folk is actually Therapuppy from a Bad Future where Doctor Order has taken over the world, who used Therapuppy’s one ride to return back to this time with a few Important Things To Help

Chartreuse is knocked out of the tournament and exposes her true power to prevent Timers from spawning to protect the fabric of time.

After some reconciliation with his past self, Folk enters Grand Finals against Sephiroth, who is working alongside Doctor Order.

Doctor Order kidnaps Chartreuse to attempt to steal the power of the time guardian. Folk tries to stop her, but is blocked by Sephiroth.

Folk, knowing what happens next, tells everyone to evacuate the arena as he faces down Sephiroth, eventually losing, leaving Sephiroth tournament winner.

I didnt even explain what the hell is going on with Spirits, but basically Google goes Super Saiyan and charges Doctor Order to try and save Chartreuse.

It doesnt work since she can also go Super Saiyan.

Chartreuse as a last line of defense, envelops the entire arena in a bubble of frozen time, giving everyone two weeks to prepare for one final charge

And that’s the current plot of CPUKerfuffle. Again, last night’s episode was absolutely insane. A few of the plot beats were predetermined, since while the improvised nature of these are fantastic, having a general thread helps immensely. But seeing everyone fall in love with some of these characters has been incredibly heartwarming and I’m so overjoyed with the response. I got some REALLY neat things planned for the kerfuffle in two weeks, and I imagine there’ll be even more things that don’t go as planned.

Until then, I guess CPUK characters have sorta become kinda my OCs. Weird how that happened.

🔫😃 give us them monster au Majima deets I dare you /hj

I'm invested, I wanna know stuff, like; What was the interaction between Kiryu and Majima like after the reveal? How did Haruka find out? Was it because she lives with Kiryu or did Majima tey to keep her oblivious to it as long as he can because no.?

I WANT THE DEETS AND I WANT EM NOW

(ya don't need ta do nothin if ya don't wanna, take yer time, I just wanna show excitement with this :>)

THANK YOU for the interest I am constantly excited to talk about things and will 100% share what deets I have

(Update: this got... WAY longer than I anticipated. So im putting it behind a readmore. sorry for the wall of text I got very passionate suddenly!!)

disclaimer: I have very little solid 'canon' established and 99% of this will be stuff I make up on the spot cause thats just how I do these things

So, in my head this all takes place after the events of the first game- Kiryu's been to jail, gets out, 10 billion yen drama ect. I think it would be peak drama if Majima accidentally let slip during the fight at Shangri-la that he isn't human, he got so hyped up on the idea of a 'fight to the death' with Kiryu (which, lets be honest, was probably a bit of suicidal ideation on his part because he wanted Kiryu to utterly destroy him) that he couldn't control himself and Kiryu gets an eyeful of claws and teeth and horns. But because things are so fucking manic during that point in the game, Kiryu deadass writes it off as a weird hallucination/'this might as well be happening' because he has WAY too much going on.

it's only after the games finished and Kiryu settles down, decides hes going to adopt Haruka and is trying to get his affairs in order when he's like. Holy Shit What Was Up With That.

Majima hasn't shown his face around him since because he becomes convinced Kiryu seeing that means hes going to despise him and/or try to kill him so he crawls into his hole to mope about it and Kiryu has to genuinely jump through hoops trying to find where he is. He was concerned! Eventually he gets in touch with Nishida who is equally worried about his boss (he knows Majima's secret but is sworn not to tell anyone) so he just. quietly tells Kiryu where Majima is living right now and prays it wont come back to bite him in the ass

He goes, Majima initially attempts to be like 'haha you hit your head pretty hard down there-' and write it off like that but Kiryu is nothing if not persistent and eventually he has a little meltdown about it and finally just shows him. Majimas been in a super weird mental state since Shimano died and hes just like, at his breaking point, so he figures 'fuck it, if Kiryu hates me, whatever' at that point

OBVIOUSLY Kiryu doesnt, hes just like. dude are you okay

they have a long ass talk about it and what happened and it all sort of culminates in an awkward love confession because turns out wow you two REALLY care about each other, huh!

Majima also shares that hes only really still in the yakuza because he feels like its the only place he belongs, that a monster like him doesn't deserve anything resembling a normal life. its that conversation that starts him on the path to realizing he's not happy there tbh

Im SEVERELY rambling at this point but. after a lot of emotional catharsis between these two they promise to try to make something work. majima considers leaving the yakuza, and kiryus going to make a home with haruka. and while hes not ready to join them properly, just yet, he's... thinking about it. in the meantime, he's heard some cool stuff about construction as a business, and he's lookin' into it.

they kept it from Haruka for a while, mostly because Majima is super not comfortable showing people. He didnt spend a lot of time around her because he still felt guilty about the kidnapping thing, but eventually Kiryu pushes him to try to apologize properly and make amends. Haruka is obviously suspicious of him but, I think shes got a good judge of character when it comes to if someones being earnest, and its clear Majima wasn't acting of his own volition. (She blackmails him for lots of ice cream as an apology.)

Eventually she picks up on the fact they're hiding *something* because of how like, furtive Majima becomes when he stays with Kiryu and how he's almost never actually around, especially since he loves being the center of attention otherwise. So they brace themselves for it all to come crashing down when they tell her.

It honestly... goes fine. Maybe its just cause she's a kid and was way more willing to believe monsters exist, but it's not quite the 100% world-shaking revelation. It does set them back a bit and there's a lot of convincing that 'not all monsters are evil', but eventually she settles on. 'he's not scary. he's just kind of weird.' and you know what? majima will 100% take that.

(also she thinks its funny how he purrs when you touch his ears a certain way. he's like a big weird puppy.)

okay goddamn this post got long enough as is but. thank you again for the interest I have... so many words in my brain about this. Ideally id love to write a proper fic but im really not great at structured writing like that- it takes a helluva lot of a work compared to just infodumping into a big nightmare post like this. One Day.

I mad appreciate any and all interest though! Like, at its heart this is a hurt/comfort kinda au, and my end-goal is for Majima to realize being a monster doesn't mean he doesn't get to be happy or that he doesn't deserve to be treated like a human. it is vitally important to me that these two old sad men be happy together and build a better life lmao

hi, i love every opinion you have about naruto! which is why i would love to know what your top shōnens and shōjos are because im in need of good recommendations and i trust you (if you can, please, write the names without acronyms because half of the time i don't know what animes or mangas you are talking about afdjdkfn)

ok this got fucking massive cuz i dont know how to shut up so ill just shove this under a readmore cuz im not answering this at 4am when the dash is dead

jksdfjkadfs;l thank u!! i am so sorry i do love to use acronyms um my top shounen are ok lets talk about togashi stuff first cuz they are a duo and i love both dearly hunter x hunter and yu yu hakusho which if u love naruto and havent seen those like u really should lol the inspiration is truly all over it hxh is pretty slow to start if hunter exams bores you never fear it does get better lol and then yyh has a nearly polar opposite start where the first episode just directly slaps you in the face with information and character dark tournament might be a bit weird if u arent into tournament arcs and its very long but i truly adore the yyh characters then of course fullmetal alchemist god i really am obsessed with acronym use i was about to just type fma before realizing wait you just said acronyms confuse you lol im a bit of an annoying manga purist about it and if u have seen the anime but not read the manga i really do think its worth checking out the manga.. obviously i enjoy naruto and u have seen that so lol um ok final super evil recommendation i really do need to stress DONT WATCH ANY OTHER PART OF THIS SHOW ITS MUCH MUCH WORSE.. but jojo part 4 diamond is unbreakable is genuinely a goddamn joy and tho its a bit confusing watching it without the context of a few of the characters and trying to figure out the complicated stand rules and like the first couple episodes are suuuuper slow its very much a self contained experience and almost everything can be answered just by googling character names if ur confused who somebody is lol or genuinely if u do wanna watch it i can just tell u all the relevant context lol im sure im leaving things out here and ill kick myself later or maybe just edit and add some stuff

ok this is getting long onto the shoujo part which i gotta say is a bit more of a loaded question here lol because ive definitely not gotten into as much shoujo as shounen and well the first thing my mind goes to isnt something i necessarily would recommend to people lol ok so top two tho theyre more deconstructions of the genre in well wildly different ways lol revolutionary girl utena and gekkan shoujo nozaki-kun.. utena is like well its just fucking crazy and gay and deals with a lot of serious topics of abuse and trauma that can be kinda hard to watch but is extremely good and if it sounds good you should absolutely watch it tho obviously with warning and then gekkan shoujo nozaki-kun my biggest recommendation to like just put a smile on your face and like improve your day its like a funny riff on shoujo tropes with a fun group of friends who help with their friend who actually writes shoujo manga comedy super fun love it only downside is how short the anime is because i want more!!! ok ok thing i cannot deny loving but also i have a very complicated relationship with is fruits basket like it really does have some fucked up shit in it some unbelievably creepy massive age gap relationships it really does just portray as like fine.... which truly boggles my mind because so much of the rest of the story is about how power can be used to harm and abuse people but clearly that did not sink into miss natsuki takayas brain now did it... like genuinely some of the character arcs about healing from all sorts of terrible things and the importance of relationships and god tohru and kyos whole love story really is so good like its a very unfortunate mixture of terrible shit and really really wonderful things i havent really been able to match in anything else so its like massive warning and disclaimer lol and if u watch the anime well... let me tell u theres a big storm coming and season 3 really is just gonna pack all the worst parts in there i also truly dont know how it would play to someone who didnt just get permanently brain damaged by fruits basket at age 12 dfjkfa;jls im sorry this is such a small list i really do need to like read/watch more shoujo nana and rose of versailles i will watch u eventually......

i realize i mostly listed extremely well known stuff so im not sure how helpful this will be but since u said u dont recognize most of my acronyms i will assume theres some stuff u havent seen here and i may update with more if i think of stuff i am pretty sleep deprived lol also if u do get into fruits basket im personally sorry

This is a personal post.

I'm beginning to realize that, for a really long time now, I've been substituting true self esteem for something else entirely

Instead of actually feeling proud of myself, like an accomplished person, I've been forcing myself into the forefront of everyone's attention, while simultaneously remaining as "just a part of a larger whole", so that i didnt have to feel like it was 100% my fault whenever I fucked up (although, I usually blamed myself anyways- not because of a clear consciousness or anything, but out of a bitter self hatred)

I put myself front and center at a carousel of things that only I could apparently be good at- not because I think I'm the best, but because I think I'm a freak for being as meticulously obsessed with things as I am. This leaves little room for my friends to actually bounce off of my experience, because I see anyone else I know encroaching on that skill that I have at the only thing I feel like I'm any good at, and it feels like a threat. I don't acknowledge it that way because I know it'd be shitty, but there's this underlying feeling that I'm being one-upped anyways...

I ended up hurting some people really dear to me because of this twisted way of thinking. I’m pretty sure I lost the privilege of calling them friends as a result. It took me a few days of self-isolation, crying, and mindlessly zonking out while playing civ until the sun came up, but I think I have a fuller picture of what my issue is. It’s not as simple as just, “I need to stop hating myself”. I recognized that- but the emotions were too raw at the time for me to really understand the depth and complexity to the issue.

At its face... I need to accept that I’m not annoying or a freak for having a deep interest in the things that I do- maybe it makes me “weird”, but I need to learn how to own that, how to feel like being weird in that way is a good thing, even if not everyone else thinks the same.

At the same time, I need to accept that my knowledge about my special interests isn’t the only thing that does, or could ever, give me “worth”. I have this conception in my head, that I’m only ever going to be good at this, or that I only have value for the things I’m proficient at, which are all very limited in scope.

People always say that having weird special interests is fine & valid... They go on about all the ways we shouldn’t be bullied for having special interests, for conceptualizing the world through the lens of them at times. But all of that is stuff I already know and accept. Something I don’t think gets talked about as much is how autistic people internalize that bullying. How, sometimes, for people like me, we can turn that same hatred and malice in towards ourselves- even if it’s not something we actually truly believe, or would ever apply to other people.

I’ve always had this sort of cocoon of self hatred surrounding me, for as long as I can remember. It’s terrible, full of thorns, and always uncomfortable, never letting me truly be myself, let alone think for or even act for myself. But it was built as a “protection” from the outside- sort of. If I hate myself enough, for all the reasons that I’m already hated by others, then nothing can hurt me anymore, because I’m already telling myself all of the most hurtful things I possibly could. It’s fucked up, and it doesn’t really help to protect myself from anything- it just makes everything harder.

My friends aren’t “competition”, they aren’t going to take away what makes me special by showing the same level as interest in something as me. If anything, I should be thankful that someone actually cares as much as I do. That’s all I ever wanted, right? To have friends that are as passionate as I am? So why did I have to throw it all away by seeing that as a threat?

Thinking about this, it’s easy to go down the path of self-hatred again. But, that’s how I got into this mess... I also wanna say... For anyone reading in on this, and concerning yourself with the what-ifs of the situation... This is never stuff I consciously thought of, until I was made aware of this behavior in myself. It was really a subconscious type of thing. But the harm is all the same. Make whatever you want out of that, I’m not gonna ask to be babied about it, I fucked up. I fucked up, and I’m sorry, if you’re actually reading this.

But, I didn’t make this post as an apology to the people I hurt. I made it as a sort of... self-reflection. Maybe it can still be an apology? I don’t know. I don’t think they want an apology. So, this isn’t really about that, or asking for forgiveness. This is just about... me pondering on all of my issues, and how I might move on from this. I hope those former friends are able to move on as well... I was kind of a huge asshole. But it’s never easy to let go of close friends that way, even if it’s necessary for your own wellbeing. So, I hope they’re doing ok. and... I hope they know I don’t hate them. and that I’ll be ok, too. I’m just sad. Sad and full of regrets.

I think I’ve rambled on enough for now. This was kind of hard to type, and I might delete it later, since it’s something really personal to be sharing to, potentially, 3000+ eyeballs... (as if that many of my tumblr followers actually would click on a readmore I post tho...), thanks for reading though. and to those who have been worrying about me- I’ll be ok, thanks for your concern.

[inhales] 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29 for roleplay habits!

roleplay habits: prime numbers edition.

-----

2. What's a grammer rule you notice other people ignoring the most?

back in ye olden days of tumblr when NSFW could be posted and XKit did its job, there was a trend for a while of writing everything in lowercase. that was a fun time. i don't really know otherwise fuchdysf

3. Are you proficient in any language outside your native tongue? Do you write characters that speak multiple languages?

nah, i only know english, but i have been interested in learning japanese and spanish. Gravel on the other hand is very much so fluent in different languages as its a part of her job (which is hard bc i dont speak anything besides english and i Do Not trust google translate gjvjvdh)

5. What time of day are you most productive in regards to writing?

about the same as when i first started writing, which is the afternoon to around the evening.

7. When roleplaying, do you pace yourself when answering replies or do you like to write for them as soon as you can?

mostly the latter, but i'll sometimes take my time if im stumped.

9. What is your average length/word count regarding roleplay replies? Does the length of your partner's replies matter? (i just realized you didnt put nine in there but you get it anyway bc im ass at math)

depends on how much my partner writes, because i will always try to match length, unless im just stumped on what more i can write in my reply and if it has any effect on the thread

11. What kind of formatting do you use? Is there any quirks or styles you prefer over others?

at the start of this blog, i was originally going to bold/italics the first three words in each sentence but i got lazy, so now i just bold locations and italicize names FHCJVDG

13. Are you more comfortable writing in a private or public space? Why or why not?

unless its NSFW, i usually keep to public space bc its what im used to so. i only really write NSFW on discord now bc its easier to manage and i know who im writing with.

17. Have you ever had a roleplay partner who helped you improve at something about your own writing quality?

its cheesy to say but every single person ive ever written with has imparted some kind of lesson ive learned from them, big or small. i dont always write with everyone just out of comfort but like. i was ass at writing until i met most of the people i have, and im still learning shit (like dont trust tumblr for fucking anything)

19. When publishing a body of work, are the amount of likes/replies important to you? Why or why not?

as an honest person? no. as a person who craves validation? yes. at the end of the day i'm proud of my own work, its moreso that i enjoy it when other people can enjoy my work too. i like making people laugh or have fun dhhkfsd

23. What subjects or genres do you find yourself becoming the most passionate about when you're writing?

if you couldn't tell from me playing gravel, i love exploring characters who are fundamentally broken in some way. characters who's flaws stem from the fact that they come from a place of suffering, or they have been hurt or had the people they trust break that trust. or even characters who have flawed or misguided views of the world, all those kind of traits that they have to grow past or unlearn and start to live happier. or maybe they never grow past it and fall into the self-destructive spiral of their lives.

so as you can tell, im very passionate sbout that.

29. Do you use a threadtracker or other methods to keep track of your threads other than drafts?

looks at my long list of owed replies.

looks at my empty drafts.

N O P E .

leave it all to good ol' "hey i can't remember do i owe you?". its not a good havit but its easier for me to ask or search for it bc like. whenever i see threads in my drafts or smth, it kinda discourages me from doing them? like i see them there and i go "oh yeah i'll get to that". and then i never get to that.

sorry for the long post yall im on mobile or i'd readmore it.

I love your original stim gifs. They help me realise how much of what I do in my day to day life is stimming, and help me become less ashamed of it. I think you've said before that you have trained yourself (maybe not the best word choice but I can't think of a better one) to stim more freely and stop repressing stims, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to share how you did that?

hi anon! sorry this is later than i said it would be, i bought minecraft and then suddenly like 3 days disappeared… this is going to be a little rambly as ive not gotten more than 6 hours of sleep a night in the last two weeks i believe.

this got EXTREMELY long, so im gonna put it under a readmore:

first, im glad my gifs can help you feel more comfortable, thats a huge reason i make gifs and put them up! when i was first realizing i might be autistic, following people who posted stimming gifs made a huge difference in my self acceptance. (@elzear-stims was the first person i followed for autistic stuff, elz is less active on here now but elz has a lot of stimming gifs up still!).

recognizing things i do as healthy and autistic self-expression, beyond not feeling bad about it, also helps me be more intentional about doing what i need to take care of my brain and body. for example, i have a tendency to pull at hangnails when im stressed, especially when i have to talk to professors or things like that, and have made myself bleed lots of times before. now that i know why i do that (as a grounding stim, because im distressed), its a lot easier to redirect and remember to use one of the many stim toys i always have in my pocket.

second, training myself to not suppress my stims has been a process, and there are still times when i have to act nt because of school or lab. i dont have a foolproof method or anything, but here are some things that have helped me:

1) follow autistic people, and/or the stim freely tag, to help your brain normalize stimming as good and healthy. imo, knowing stimming is healthy on an intellectual level is different from changing your brains initial reaction. we live in a really ableist society, especially in a lot of parts of the internet with “cringe culture” etc. especially if you’ve been bullied or gotten in trouble with authority figures for stimming, its easy to have your first response to seeing someone stim be embarassment or the feeling that its wrong/incorrect. seeking out more content of people stimming can help convince your brain that its healthy and good, and changing that first response will transfer over to how you see your own stims too.

2) get some stim toys! doesn’t have to be anything expensive or fancy; some of my favorite stim toys are smooth rocks, beads on a string, soft fabric, and those spring/coil bracelets for keys etc. keep them with you in pockets or on a belt loop or something, and you can use them to stim during times you cant body stim. for me at least, Always having something to stim with made my brain want to stim more? since the norm is stimming, not suppressing stims.

2b) at this point for me, stim toys are something i primarily use when im somewhere i have to look nt (class, lab) or when im super overwhelmed and need to chill out post-meltdown (glitter jars and soft things and ear defenders are my go-to for those times). the rest of the time i default to body stims, which at this point are more natural to me. that doesn’t have to be true for you at all tho!

3) pay attention to things you do and a) notice the situation youre in and b) do them more and see how you feel! for example, ive always needed to have my legs crossed all the way (like with the foot hooked back around my calf?) to focus during tests; ive known this for a long time about myself but only knew Why recently; its a pressure stim! i also sit crosslegged All The Time. now i know why i do that (it helps me focus and stay grounded bc im autistic and its a pressure stim) and i can do it intentionally and also not try to sit “normally” because i Know now that will make me less able to pay attention.

4) have autistic friends or people you trust and can be your authentic self around! this one can be really hard, but in my experience being autistic is similar to being lgbt where the people you gravitate toward and want to be friends with usually end up being autistic or cousins (like adhd). i call people who probably arent nt “capital f Friends” actually. of my close friends, most are Friends and both my partners are autistic/adhd! this helps a lot with acceptance and also its really fun to stim with your friends and pick up their stims.

5) stim when youre walking places outside so your brain knows its allowed to stim out n about. when im walking home, i walk through a neighborhood and no one is ever out there (at this point if they are i dont care much but). so i just… let my body do whatever it wants on my walk home. which usually means raptor hands or idle flapping depending on enegy level, and bouncy/toe walking and clicky vocal stims that i try not to do the rest of the time bc they annoy people lol.

alrighty, this is probably way more detail than you wanted but there u go! feel free to ask more questions if that didnt cover what you were wondering or if you have new ones!

akumatized marinette design + story figured i might as well post this now because i forgot to yesterday (or 2 days ago)

this is an angsty akumatized marinette au with a bad(ish) ending based on how you interpret it i just wanted to draw the spider bun but i came up with a whole backstory as well because why not? once again, i'm not a writer so sorry if my ideas are all over the place

few ideas i had in mind for this story about miraculous users getting akumatized/akumatizing in general: -the akuma is instinctively drawn towards very high sources of magic, even if hawkmoth intended them to go somewhere else -akuma victims are usually twisted forms of themselves but are still the same person. hawkmoth suggests them to do things, and can use pain to control them, but with an infected miraculous it is much harder to control the victim and he isn't strong enough to hurt them remotely if the miraculous ranks above his -other stuff i'll reveal as i go along

the events leading up to marinettes akumatization go something like this: (didnt really wanna come up with anything that sounds too shallow) -maybe like marinette's dad falls into a coma -sabine and marinette being forced to work overtime to make up for it -marinette getting yelled at by her mom because she sneaks out a lot to do ladybug stuff the stress from all this causes her to get akumatized. hawkmoth feels a familiar energy when he akumatizes marinette but can't quite place it

marinette turns into widow (wanted red widow but turns out thats actually a thing) her powers include: -arms on her waist that help her crawl around on walls and jump really far -talking to spiders telepathically -creating webs from her fingers -venomous bite

i looked it up and black widow bites aren't even fatal most of the time so i've been living in fear for nothing this is a human sized venom injection so obviously itll be deadlier

rest of the story in point form will put it under readmore because it looks like its gonna get long

-plagg starts to act very depressed and adrien transforms into chat when he refuses to speak -he fights widow and recognizes her as marinette because her mom saw her and phoned alya to send out a warning over the ladyblog -plagg starts talking into adriens mind when stalling for ladybug to get in isnt working -meanwhile widow and hawkmoth are constantly arguing because his control over her is very weak and she can't control her temper -widow manages to string up chat and bites through his armour to inject venom into his arm and tells him she won't give him the antivenom unless he takes off the miraculous (because its magically stopping her from just taking it or something, thats why lady wifi couldnt just take the earrings off ladybug) -hawkmoth and widow get into a big argument over the venom injecting because it might kill him before ladybug arrives and widow doesn't want that (akuma and miraculous merging is causing some kind of magical interference with her memories so she doesnt remember she is ladybug) -chat manages to escape from the web while theyre distracted and makes his way to some alley where he collapses behind a dumpster -plagg tells him he has to cataclysm the venom out of his bloodstream before its too late because ladybug won't be able to fix it or anything ever again -chat destroys his arm which was too damaged to save and destroys all of the venom -plagg and adrien manage to get to a hospital which is luckily 2 blocks away, adrien collapses in the lobby due to high fever and bloodloss -few days pass while adrien is stabilized in the hospital -plagg tells him his father came to visit and was muttering "i did this" (surprise, gabes hawkmoth in this) -plagg also tells him that tikki is gone forever, and marinette is ladybug since it doesn't matter anymore -he finds out there was a big battle and a whole tower got destroyed (or whatever the hell hawkmoths lair is in)

2 days ago -widow hears about adrien agreste being found with only one arm and puts 2 and 2 together (and so did gabe) -the shock of realizing chat was adrien causes hawkmoth to lose all control over her and she starts to get her memories back but she still can't control her anger -she heads to hawkmoths lair which she found using her spiders and beats him up -during the fight hawkmoth finally realizes why akumatizing marinette felt so familiar and realizes she is ladybug -hawkmoth escapes but loses the will to go on since the creation miraculous is gone -hawkmoth's tragic backstory is revealed: he accidentally akumatized his wife's miraculous many years ago (because the akumas are drawn to magic) and turned her into a giant bird monster he keeps locked under his lair. he thought using the combined powers of the ring and earrings would allow him to fix it but what's the point because he just killed creation. -hawkgabe walks into the birdcage and birdmom (who went crazy from being locked away for all these years) breaks through the bars and eats him -adrien escapes the hospital and transforms into chat -widow and chat team up to destroy the birdmom who just escaped and is trying to destroy paris after combining with the butterfly and peacock miraculouses and adriens parents (golden sun, anyone?) -adrien realizes what hes fighting but has no choice after widow almost dies trying to protect him -why do i use apostrophes in some words that have them but not all of them -fu shows up after the battle is over and collects the butterfly and peacock miraculouses -plagg tells adrien that the only way to get tikki back is for marinette to die and that she will be back eventually. hes gone thousands of years without seeing her so what's a few more -tom wakes up from his coma and hes like wtf -mariwidow decides to live like a hermit on the outskirts of paris in case anything ever threatens it again -she cant risk her temper rising and accidentally hurting civilians -her family and chat visit her on occasion -chat carries around a lot of antivenom -the end

notes: so basically the idea i had was that once an akuma touches a miraculous it gets infected and they permanently become an akuma unless you somehow manage to break the infected miraculous (which would throw the universe out of balance, plus theyre pretty indestructable) marinette is pretty much stuck in her dumb costume and calls herself the widow but once she's out of hawkmoths influence she acts the same way as usual but with a more dangerous anger problem. gabe walking into the birdcage in his state was pretty much a suicide so that he doesnt infect adriens miraculous too. people eventually realize that adrien is chat because of the one arm thing but they assume ladybug died in the fight with hawkmoth or something (alternatively plagg can give chat some kinda fake magic arm while transformed) adrien ends up with -1 arm. -2 parents, +1 spider gf the first draft of this story i did didn't have hawkmoth as gabriel, and it pretty much went like adrien rejects marinette widow kills chat realizes its adrien then she kills hawkmoth, but i heard someone say 2017 is be nice to adrien year and i figured why not do the opposite. just killing him wouldn't be too much suffering so instead he kills his parents once again, theyre aged up a bit to like late teens

its getting sad up in this readmore :)) so im sorry about that 

 when i get painful reminders of how much i cant function like a person should i feel such deep shame and embarrassment. and at this point its not even like this sad realization because this happens often and its not new info to me its just ..there and i know it. it feels like ohright look at who i am. 

i wish i didnt have to try so hard to function at the bare minimum.i swear to god i thought i was trying so much harder i think im trying harder!! and its like every other day where i just fucking think to myself what thefuck is wrong with me ya know?? like can you put all this irrational shit aside and i get so angry at myself because i always think i can do all of this but instead overwhelming shame sets in at the fact that im alive. 

i dont see myself living very long and pls dont ask me if im okay right now or if i need help im not doing anything to myself but its just like i just dont see myself reaching past 23

im probably calming down ijust got so overwhelmed by certain stuff that i felt like having a body was too much??i felt claustrophobic in my own skin/body does that make sense i dont think im wording it right. this was all hard to type and make coherent cause all i wanted to type was im tired over and over again