#Originally I was deep in grief and ... I suppose that I still am. But. I'm now. grieving and uh. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 1 year

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This appears in my asks: "not to toot my own horn too much but ik you've expressed interest in my stories before so. there are snippets-" stops reading to go frantically search for Hiraeth excerpts

my dear, catkin, I LOVE YOUR STORIES!!👀

also I am a cheater - what happens someone asks for two?

💬💬

Then, I suppose, you get two! Still from Hiraeth.

“Why?” she asked. “Not why would you follow them, but why would you shift so far away? Aren’t there things keeping you here?” “I want to see the world.” She shrugged, and said, “Fair point. I hope you’ll chase all your dreams and find them well worth the effort.” Neil smiled. “I hope so. Anyway, I want to be a doctor.”

I loved writing this section. It's a conversation between Deryn (Aelwen's younger sister) and Neil. I loved writing (and still love reading it over) about him as a fresh unspoiled young thing, rather than the jaded, bitter and sometimes cruel man he appears as in Adira's story. Even the doctor thing, in this case, means a lot, because it was a dream he'd always had, but by the time he actually became a doctor it was as much out of defiance as anything else, and in some ways, by practicing the profession, he's forcing himself to relive certain griefs that happen between this story (in which he's 13 or so) and then. (It's... complicated. I love him)

One thing I really like about the inclusion of this scene, although it definitely risks appearing to wander away from the main plot, is that it lightens it a bit; the middle was heavy and hard to write, but once I included Deryn a bit more as a POV character it lightened the mood and pulled it away from being a slog. Not certain that the entire scene and some others worked very well overall (I'll have to see what editor thought of it as to how I keep them in) but certainly their inclusion really helped the story as a whole and how I felt about it. (Originally it was literally finding an excuse to include it in this collection, finding some way or character to tie it to Adira's story xD that was it that was the entire motivation for including him.)

And another, still from later on than that. I was so tempted to give you the massive slab of description as Aelwen walks towards a waterfall (the scene was originally patterned on one very specific visit to a waterfall last year, a waterfall I want to go back and visit again someday tho it's far away from me) but I'm not entirely happy with the prose, though what it's trying to say is good; there are a few awkward bits. Instead, this is a few paragraphs later, just before one of the important character beats in the story.

She was careful as she scuttled over to a rock overhanging the deep pool the waterfall deposited into, but nevertheless she almost slipped, and had to clutch at the rock to steady herself. It was cold and wet and rough under her fingers, and felt like the first truly real thing she had touched for far too long. The blanket of apathy, maybe only for a moment, was gone again. Perhaps it was a mere illusion, something she could scarcely appreciate for a moment before it was snatched away—no lasting peace—but Aelwen had already learned she starved without it, and was glad to find something of it. Her thoughts, roving here and there, suddenly caught on a verse she had always loved. The peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall encompass your hearts and minds. She could not remember where it came from, but she knew it to be a verse, sent from God at this moment for her to remember it. She could have the peace of God again. It might take time, but she could find it again, even if she was struggling right now. There was another verse, too; something about joy coming in the morning. She remembered a day before all this had started, a day so incandescently happy that she had thought there could not possibly be sorrow in all of the world. Now she was both older and wiser, and sadder too; but there was hope.

Oh, and two paragraphs later she prays about everything and cries about it and then her sister comes to comfort her, and it's just a really nice scene. 'what are you doing here' 'I just wanted to make sure you're alright' 'it's half an hour travel each way from home you travelling an hour to make sure I'm alright???' <- that sort of thing

I hope you like these. In some ways it amuses me that I'm reading over some of it and going I know what I was like when I wrote that. How did I write that. More really, how was that so true to my current experiences when I'd never experienced them to this intensity before.

I would love feedback from anyone and everyone, on both of these excerpts (#5 and #6)

#feebdack is v welcome!#suh excerpts #suh #story:hiraeth #currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested #excerpts #my writing #ask #thanks for the ask!

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pratleskitties · 1 year

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Day 6 of Poccie's departure

I am an ardent believer that 80% of humans are jerks in one way or another. Probably 90% of general humans are jerks when it came to animals.

I am also proud to say that those around me appeared to be in the 10% minority, and I am glad.

My friends and work partners are definitely in the 10% - they have/have had pets. Their condolences for me are 100% genuine and I am not going to discount that, ever.

Most of my immediate family members also have had pets in one point or another in their respective lives. My youngest niece has cats and would constantly call me to ask what to do with her cats in certain situations.

Apparently, and this was to my surprise, my third cousins also cared enough to send their condolences for Poccie. I know *some* of them have pets, but the rest did not seem like they even cared for animals. Maybe they care, just did not have the means (read: money) to care enough to be significant. The 'richer' ones definitely have pets and cared for the pets properly.

Today, my dearest dentist surprised me by saying her condolences the instant she opened her door.

Last week, by the time Poccie came home, I was supposed to go to the dentist and had a 5 o'clock appointment. Obviously I didn't feel like going, so I cancelled the appointment. Or rather, my mom cancelled the appointment saying she (I) just lost her cat.

My dentist is of North Sumatra origin, where most people would have dogs rather than cats. She is much like me, i.e. when she was a bit of a nomad in her younger days (her husband was a state officer who'd be assigned to random locations), she refused and denied her kids to have pets. Now that she has permanently settled down, she does not want to have a dog, due to the fact that she knows that it would take more work than she was willing to expend energy on to take care of a dog. But her siblings have dogs (and they live across the street from each other). Her husband also cared for birds and (exotic) chickens, and has a parrot that is 28 years old. She understood the hurt of losing a pet very, very well.

She also rambled (North Sumatran inang, amirite? XD) about how difficult it is to trust others to take care of our beloved pets - even birds or fish. Obviously you can't feed Koi/Arowana the same thing you feed a goldfish/betta, and you can't feed bettas the bugs you feed arowanas. Likewise with the 28 year old parrot who has specific diets, 7 a.m. the bird will call "Jacob is hungry!!" and someone has to be up to feed her seeds, and then papayas by 12 p.m., then another type of seeds by 7 p.m.

I love her even more for explaining that.

I love that I am surrounded by those who did not discount my grief.

I am still hurting at times. When I looked into the kennel Poccie last spent her night in and see Winnie in it, my gut instinct was to tell her to "get out, Winnie, that's Poccie's place." -in spite of having deep-cleaned that kennel right after we interned Poccie last week.

But her eyes told me something along the line of, "I'm a calico, too, meowm, and I want to be loved, too!"

So I put on a new blanket and let her stay there.

She is fine, btw, eats & drinks well in spite of her EGC, no inflammation in her mouth, pee/poop fine. She just liked to be in kennels. :p

#WinnieKitty #Calico #PoccieKitty #adopt don't shop #spay and neuter #adopsi jangan beli #cats #prosterilgarisngegas #calico #PratlesKitties

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hunxi-after-hours · 3 years

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HI IT'S ME QI YE READING ANON having uh. finished said reading literally just now. my thoughts have not yet reorganised themselves but can i just say: a) the poetic symmetry of wu xi being able to receive command of the nanjiang army to save beiyuan at least partly because of the ideas of strategy/the longer game etc that beiyuan taught him, b) shl did princess jing an dirty, c) damn zhou zishu was really just going through it huh poor guy, and yet d) helian yi is going through it even WORSE

HELLO QI YE ANON WELCOME BACK YOU SURE WENT THROUGH THE REST OF THAT BOOK QUICKLY you doing okay there, the last ten chapters really Put You Through It

a) we love to see the character development, and the fact that Wu Xi did actually learn something in all the hours Beiyuan spent rambling absentmindedly at him privately tutoring him. like yes Wu Xi was head-over-heels infatuated with Beiyuan but he can also multitask. an icon. no wonder he's the only one actually Gets Shit Done in both QY and TYK

b) I COMPLETELY did not process that the lady in the first ten minutes of SHL episode one was supposed to be the badass warrior princess of Jing'an, so yeah, they definitely did her dirty, but also she deserves her own standalone spin-off novel so unfortunately that's nothing new

c) Zhou Zishu is so completely not okay at the end of QY and the last we see of him is in full blue-screen-of-death mode over Jiuxiao, which absolutely haunts me because TYK picks up, what, three years after the events of QY? which means that there is this narrative dead space between the end of QY and the beginning of TYK during which Zhou Zishu, numb with grief and choking on it, still manages to 1) stabilize Helian Yi's regime by 2) committing an unknown quantity of war crimes while 3) spending at least a year and a half subjecting himself to a torture of his own devising that 4) makes him functionally incapable of getting a healthy amount of sleep

the man is really not okay

d) HELIAN YI, my problematic love, one of the most fascinating characters with the least amount of screentime because both Zhou Zishu and Jing Beiyuan go to the maximum amount of effort to spend the minimum amount of time with the man in their respective novels, which is simultaneously pretty funny but also... sdlfksjldk sad. while I respect SHL for taking advantage of the immense narrative potential of Zhou Zishu/Prince Jin's history (look, Prince Jin in SHL =/= Helian Yi, I've decided), it also erases the deep, unspoken tragedy of Helian Yi from the original novel(s). I'm not trying to say that Helian Yi is a victim, or unproblematic, or deserves to be redeemed, but there is something so bitterly sad about the fact that, after everything they've all gone through together, Helian Yi is left alone on that dragon throne, bearing the heaviest weight of leadership and responsibility on his shoulders. 朕是孤家寡人哪, Helian Yi says, sighing, at the beginning of TYK when Zhou Zishu begs his leave. at the end of everything, after all the sacrifice and blood and mortgaging of their souls, Helian Yi is left without anyone to keep him company, without anyone to carry the weight of their crimes together

and because I can and will quote this poem about every cdrama character ever, I guess, I am Once Again thinking about these lines from the "Elegy of Fortinbras" by Zbigniew Herbert:

...The rest is not silence but belongs to me

you chose the easier part of an elegant thrust

but what is heroic death compared with eternal watching

with a cold apple in one’s hand on a narrow chair

with a view of the ant-hill and the clock’s dial...

anyway if you need me, I'll be on my Helian Yi agenda, which isn't so much a "justice for Helian Yi" agenda as it's "I can't stop thinking about this bastard (grudgingly affectionate)"

#seventh time lucky

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vermillionage · 4 years

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[So I just got inspired by a conversation I had with @silver-wield about this Cloud&Tifa video below I blogged 2 days ago already, how deep Cloti's connection really is displayed, and how watching it made me feel even more convinced that we totally get endgame feels for them in these various scenes comprised. The video just shows canon material and uses only original dialogue. It made me wonder if the same feelings would be evoked by a video of Cloud and Aeriths Scenes and dialogues.]

Besides English isn't my first language, please overlook grammar and spelling mistakes. I'm sorry it there are too many.

There are many opinions who belongs with whom.

Many people who covered this also and I love and respect most of their analyses on it. Not even sure if I added anything new but here are my thoughts on Clerith endgame qualities (& a bit Cloti).

I like Aerith and she is very important. I just don’t see her as the intended endgame partner for Cloud.

This is all an opinion in the end:

Don't get me wrong this relationship is heavy with feelings as well. But it's no endgame. Cloud and Tifa belong; for various reasons we all discuss daily ;). Clearith's core story is heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once. For me it's a tragic relationship on both sides.

Aerith sees a familiarity in Cloud, something reminding her of, & letting her hope for better days. She sees a strong person who resembles Zack so much. He is handsome and his eyes have the same quality.

She desperately wants to belong (like all of our 3 heroes) because she was alone most of her time. Zack was her first love and a friend. But he is gone. She is heartbroken. Even though she is beloved in the slums by many and has Elmyra, she still feels alone. Zack was someone she confided in. She can't tell anyone the extend of these feelings. Not in the beginning. Always trying to cover up with that flirty cheery attitude. She wants to move on...that much she has uttered to Cloud...but saying and going through such a loss actually are two different things. In OG it was more ambiguous and Aerith was much more determined on Cloud.

Remake gives us (or me)much more clarity. She seems to be aware that it all is flawed..her feelings ..his feelings. (I suppose she even was able to feel that something happened to Zack since she has a connection to the life stream. And it is heartbreaking.) While in OG that was not prominent. You can tell how much she likes Cloud still in the Remake ...but also how much she knows she doesn't belong with him. When she sees the flower in Tifa's Bar, when she sees Cloud and Tifa interact.. when she asks Cloud about Zack indirectly.

Clerith to me is like 'could have/ would have' all the time. If she wouldn't die. If Zack was still alive.. if Cloud actually would be able to connect the dots of Zack being her first love.. if Cloud regaining a glimpse of his past wasn't blocked by the barrier of his fake persona so often, always interrupting progress of remembering Zack, of remembering what happened. Would it be Clerith?

It more seems like in the Remake she is aware now (due to parallel time lines/timetravel...whatever) that her part in this story is not that of Clouds love interest. That's why we get that resolution scene with her. It is scripted that way for a reason. As well as the part where she spots the flower or tells Tifa to follow her heart at the pillar.

Maybe there is a wish in her to be with Cloud if only the circumstances were different. But they aren't and she is no egotistical monster bitch. She kind of backs away. And I love that the devs made me lean to believe this.

Cloud on the other hand also lacks/ misses out on many things:

5 years of his live, his home his family. He lived through torture if barely and severe trauma. He put up a fake persona to shield him from all this grief. He made himself that numb, that he rarely connects to any strong feelings a person would have usually.

Like people on anti depressants. Numb to the very high and the very low array. Just being indifferent. We meet him like that in the beginning of OG/R. When he meets Aerith in chapter 8 he already started to open up a bit to the Trio and Tifa, Marle and others. Meeting Tifa opened the Door. She is essentially his drive to move on ever since their childhood, same this time. But Tifa is more subtle in her approach. Her personality is warm and grounded, but she respects that Clouds needs space and is treading lightly, cautious because she seems to feel he is different than in their childhood. We get that in the rescue Johnny scene f.ex..

Aerith's overwhelmingly positive, coaxing personality contrasts this but also opens this crack in the door even wider. Like I said she is important. He is affected, he feels drawn to it/her.I am convinced he is, because he has no association with her. No past. It is light and bright and also not real. She, trying to overcompansate her sadness. Him, rarely being able to connect to his true self and feelings. He is unaware, she is though to a certain extend (like I mentioned above ) is aware.

His attraction also is spurred on because she is more fragile (Than Tifa and others)..he wants to protect. He is loyal. He wants to be strong and he wants to be acknowledged. Aerith asks for help, is clumsy and looks even helpless sometimes( Walk from the church over the roof tops f. ex.). I don’t say she is weak but her asking for help, he feels like he really is that persona he created for himself. And such feelings can turn into love quite easily. But these feelings to be as good as a Soldier 1st class, to protect and be the hero root in his true self's desire to be all that for Tifa. We can’t discard this either. He also helps Avalanche because Tifa asked.

So again..a pinch of could have/would have..it's heartbreaking.

And in the end it's a dead end for Clerith. Not only because she dies. But because he regains access to his true feelings again (lifestream scene)..and they are with Tifa.

Man~even while he has no access to them he is like a hen around its chick with Tifa.😊 Touching, watching, eye contact all the time (just watch this posts video below).

If anything, Aeriths death brought him further away from being with Tifa completely because he feels he failed yet another important person. A person he even might have loved because she was a friend. He hates this feeling and he blames himself for all the deaths, especially Aerith's. And he is so afraid to lose Tifa like that as well. That's why he keeps his distance later especially in Advent Children. Even though we have the Night under the High Wind.

Because if losing a person like Aerith, yes all lovely and sweet and bright and a friend, but if losing a person after several weeks, can do that to him, what would Tifas death do to him?

He doesn't want her, Marlene or Denzel to suffer if she sees that he has a supposedly terminal disease.

He doesn't trust himself to be really enough for her. He can't face her and leaves and has another episode of self isolation and self doubt. In his mind (?) he talks to Aerith ( and Zack is there as well,yaay) he seeks for forgiveness until he realizes he has to forgive himself first. Aerith and Zack reunited in the life stream, his friends, like his big brother and sister or like guardians watching over him, encouraging him as well to trust in himself the future and his loved ones. He sure loves Aerith, but it feels like a different kind of love from his love for Tifa. And this is fine. I would never say he doesn’t love Aerith. But it’s not in a romantic way. Maybe there was an attraction building when they met in sector 5, a curiosity. But for me his bond with Tifa overpowered this in various scenes before and after that section.

So Cloud leaves, nearly ghosting his family and Tifa, and as a fan of Cloti that was hard to watch, but seeing his reasons I came to accept and understand that he needed this.BIn the end yet again their bond is strong enough for pulling them back together again. He goes to stand with Tifa, his family his friends.

In the End Tifa welcomes him back and he finally starts to believe things will be better.

So for me there is no gravitational romantic pull between Aerith and Cloud but between Tifa and him.

This is a bit all over the place and I didn’t put in sources to prove my points because many others here in the fandom did in their analyses. I took a bit of additional intel from everyone's impressions and my own conclusions on the canon.

I just wanted to give my impression.

https://youtu.be/-Dn3SI4RVco

youtube

Visit her channel ❤

#cloti #cloud stife #zerith #tifa lockhart #LTD #endgame #opinion #ff7r tifa #ff7r remake spoilers #tifa #aerith gainsborough #cloud x aerith #cloud x tifa #Youtube

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sweetteaanddragons · 5 years

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You said that you went heavier on the hurt than the comfort in that fic. I know it was supposed to be an AU, but would you consider writing a second half where Elrond is exchanged for Gil-Galad? The shock on the faces of the other elves when they realize that Gil-Galad wasn't killed and that Maglor really does love the twins would be beautiful. Also, poor Elros needs his brother back. The reunion of the twins and Maglor could be the comfort. (I'm not crying over this. Ok, maybe a little.) (2/2)

Thank you for your lovely comments in your earlier ask! Here, as requested, is the second half of the AU that I originally wrote for @swirls-of-randomness in which Elrond becomes king and Gil-Galad gets kidnapped by Feanorians.

Quick note: Elros and Gil-Galad have a discussion about the situation; not all views presented therein accurately represent my own.

. . . .

Gil-Galad is not at all sure why he’s not dead yet.

It’s not a new thought. It’s one that’s been plaguing him since they handed him a crown and told him he was king.

The other kings in exile had all died - Fingon, who had looked so impossibly strong when Gil-Galad was small, Fingolfin, who had been able to challenge Morgoth himself, even Feanor, who, whatever else everyone said about him, had at least not lacked for might.

The other kings too: Finrod, whose death he had imagined in a thousand nightmares, Turgon, whose daughter really should have been the one to take the crown, Thingol, who had attracted Melian herself . . .

He knows all their deeds, all their power, all their strength.

And he knows how they all died.

Gil-Galad has never once seen the light of the Trees. He does not have any legendary deeds to his name. He does not feel strong.

He doesn’t know why he’s not dead yet.

He can’t ask anyone that, though, of course, because even he knows that’s not the kind of thing kings say.

He asked Círdan once anyway because he can ask Círdan anything, and he still remembers the terrible grief that had swept over Círdan’s face before the older elf had pulled him close and said, “Because I am not dead yet, and they will never reach you so long as I can yet stand in their way.”

He had known intellectually, even then, that no one could make that promise. Not really.

He knows it in his heart now, because he is tied to a post in a Feanorian tent, the blood of his kin still drying on his rope-burned hands, and Círdan isn’t here.

The Feanorian lord had been badly injured, he’d seen, before he was hauled away. If he dies -

Gil-Galad is going to die. He forces himself to take away that comforting if and confront himself with it. He is going to die, and he might as well get used to it.

The tent flap opens, and he braces himself for fury, for swords, for anything.

He does not brace himself for a boy just entering adolescence that is carrying food.

The boy looks weary past bearing, but he does his best to smile anyway. “Hello,” he says. “I’m Elros. Did you know your men stole my brother?”

. . .

Gil-Galad learns three things in the many visits that follow:

First, that Prince Maglor is apparently recovering and expected to live after all.

(“He has to live,” Elros says the first time, fiercely. “He has to,” and Gil-Galad is not at all convinced, but with each subsequent visit Elros gets a bit lighter, and Gil-Galad slowly comes to believe with considerable relief of his own.)

Second, that there is considerable debate in the camp what to do about their new prisoner.

(“No one really wanted you,” Elros explains before smacking his forehead and saying with surprising intensity, “Of course someone wants you, that’s not what I meant at all,” and he waits before Gil-Galad nods a bemused acceptance of this before continuing on. “It’s just the people that want you are all over in your camp, and we didn’t mean to take you from them, it just sort of happened, and now we can’t decide how to get you back without getting shot at and whether or not we should ask for something when we do.”)

That we is the third thing he learns: that Elros has some very odd and somewhat concerning ideas about who constitutes that we and exactly who was stolen from whom.

(“Of course we were stolen,” Elros says, frowning, “but that doesn’t mean it was alright for you to try to steal us, anymore than it was alright for them to try to steal those stupid gems from Sirion just because the gems were stolen from them first. Stealing is stealing.”

“That’s not how the law works,” Gil-Galad tells him. “And my men weren’t trying to steal your brother from you, they were trying to save him.”

“Stealing is stealing,” Elros says stubbornly, and he sits there and glares until Gil-Galad allows the subject to drop.)

. . .

He doesn’t try to convince Elros to let him go so that they can run away together because a) he’s almost entirely certain they’d be caught before they left camp, b) it would take a miracle for the two of them to survive the trip to the Isle of Balar alone, and c) he’s nearly positive Elros would refuse point blank.

That does not quite stop him from wishing he’d tried it when a man with faint scars still covering his face and missing one hand entirely enters the tent.

“Prince Maedhros,” he says, and he’s proud that his voice does not shake and that he sounds like the king he spends most of his time thinking he is only pretending to be.

“Cousin,” the prince returns, irony not quite covering the pain and bone deep exhaustion all too evident in his voice. “You’ll be pleased to know that Maglor is well on his way to a full recovery.”

Gil-Galad is pleased, both for the obvious reason and for Elros’s sake, so he’s able to say so quite sincerely.

Maedhros looks at him, a little surprised, and in the silence that follows, Gil-Galad can’t quite refrain from blurting out, “So now what?”

Maedhros looks at him for a long moment and says, in a voice now entirely void of all emotion, “So now we can spare the men to escort you and Elros back to your home.”

Gil-Galad’s second thought, after disbelieving relief, is, “Have you told Elros that yet?”

Maedhros leaves without answering, but that doesn’t matter.

Gil-Galad already knows that the answer is no.

. . .

It was a good plan, Gil-Galad thinks in all fairness. A generous plan, even, since the Feanorians weren’t supposed to get anything out of it. It was just a slow progression of the hostages - Gil-Galad, who still can’t quite believe this is happening, and Elros, who is refusing to speak to either Gil-Galad or Maedhros - between the two sides.

Except halfway across the field, someone suddenly breaks off from Gil-Galad’s side and takes off running towards them. Gil-Galad looks sharply to the archers, fearful that hostilities may be about to break out, but it is just one small form that he abruptly realizes must be Elrond.

Elrond, who grabs his brother’s hand and takes off running with him, the movement so smooth that it’s like the two of them have been planning this.

They are running towards the Feanorian side.

He should stop them, he thinks, but he can’t, not without shattering the fragile balance already teetering on the edge of violence.

Instead, he walks forward.

Círdan is there the moment he’s in range, and though they’re both careful to preserve the dignity necessary for such a public moment, surely there can be no harm in an embrace.

Círdan holds on just a little too tightly, and Gil-Galad presses that memory into his mind, to keep and hold onto when he inevitably lets go.

“I thought we’d lost you,” Círdan says hoarsely as he steps back.

“So had I,” he admits, finally daring to look back across the field. “We did lose them,” he says, and his heart aches for the little boys who refuse to be stolen twice.

But Círdan has an odd look on his face. “Maybe,” is all he says, and he keeps a hand on Gil-Galad’s back as they turn to walk away.

. . .

(Maglor weeps when he sees them, and Elrond isn’t sure if they’re sad or happy tears.

“I’m sorry,” he says helplessly, feeling his own tears well up at last.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Maglor says fiercely. “Not to me. Not ever,” and he opens his arms a little: always an offer, never a demand.

Elrond burrows into them immediately, gently as he can after he feels Maglor’s silent flinch. Elros is right there next to him in the embrace, and for the first time in weeks, Elrond doesn’t feel that horrible blankness hovering anywhere near him at all.)

#gil-galad #silmarillion #first age #elros #elrond #cirdan #maedhros #maglor #fic #prompted fic

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bigskydreaming · 5 years

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Hi! I'm new to your blog but found a few posts that were about a JayTom ship, and I was wondering who Tom was? And also you've mentioned in a couple of posts the idea of Jason having a lineup of Titans in his age range and you talked about the Ray and Damage in one. Do you have a whole lineup in mind for them and if so, is there a post on that somewhere?

LOL man, I really need to start pulling all my posts about JayTom and Jay’s lineup of Titans together for some kind of a masterlist, so thanks for the reminder haha. Like, I saw this ask and thought of various posts to point you towards but ugh, I don’t know where any of them are.

Anyway, so. The Tom of JayTom. Aka my ideal ship for Robin!Jason in the series of one-shots about an AU where Jason doesn’t go to Ethiopia in ADITF and thus never dies, that’s kinda grown out of that of a one-shot I started as a writing commission a couple months ago, if anyone else remembers that….the one that was like ‘what if Jason called Dick after the Garzonas incident and Dick sided with Jason’…that one.

Which then snowballed into ‘well, then I could give Jason his own lineup of Titans who are in the same age range as like a younger gen learning from Dick’s generations of Titans but still older than Tim’s generation of YJ and then eventual Titans.’

Sigh. Oh, me. Right! So! Anyway! Tom in JayTom is Thomas Bronson, the son of JSA member Ted Grant, aka Wildcat.

Tom and Jason have never ever interacted in canon as far as I know, as I don’t think Tom’s ever appeared outside of JSA and Jason never appeared in that book either before or after his death. BUT by the magic of winging it and Canon Has Not Definitively Contradicted Me, I think the two of them are feasibly in the same age range, so I’m going with them both being fifteen when they meet here.

Tom’s a scrappy, street smart, attitude throwing teenager with daddy issues of his own, lol, thanks to Ted’s general non-existence in his life, for most of it….and he’s also tiny, like, 5′6″ and 135 lbs even at the end of his teenage years. LMAO, I honestly don’t remember, but I think that might be the whole basis of this ship for me, or where it originated. Like, I happened across Tom’s stats as listed on one of the DC wiki sites, and was like, lol oh, he and Robin!Jason could be pint-sized punks together! And then from there, I had the inevitable thought “okay but now make them gay” and then from there I fell into my usual trap of “oh no, it was supposed to be a joke but now I’m taking it seriously and seriously pondering how it could seriously work.”

And then from there it consumed my brain and devoured my life. I swear, it was Dick/Kyle all over again. Ugh, my brain is so problematic.

So anyway, this is Tom:

He’s a werepanther, he can shapeshift into a panther form to fight, which brings up an interesting facet of his character and something I think could be really fun to play off Jason and his own issues…because Tom hates fighting. HATES it. Will run from a fight at any given opportunity rather than engage….but its not because he’s a coward, or doesn’t have heroic instincts of his own, and its not even because he’s not GOOD at fighting.

Its that he’s scared of himself, and scared of hurting whoever he’s fighting…at least more than he means to. Because he has trouble controlling his shift when in fights. His panther form just comes out in response to his own amped up levels of aggression. The fight or flight response for him is actually more like “flight or turn into a raging whirlwind of clawed and fanged fury that can’t stop won’t stop until he’s definitively won his fight….which by extension, usually means his opponent is currently bleeding out on the ground from a few dozen deep claw marks because Panther!Tom’s claws and fangs are SHARP.”

Now pair this fear of his own power with Tom’s natural belligerence and problems with authority at certain points in his life, AND his desire to follow in his hero father’s footsteps as well as his resentment and giving himself grief every time he realizes he even has that desire, because he doesn’t owe his deadbeat dad shit and can’t stand that he nevertheless admires him in a lot of ways and still feels a desire to prove himself to him…

Then pair him up with Jason during his Robin years, going through similar issues and emotions as well as a comparable dynamic with Bruce as him not dying in Ethiopia nevertheless changes nothing about the two of them likely clashing more and more over their views on how to deal with criminals and the appropriate levels of aggression when dealing with them….

And that right there, IMO, is super strong potential for a dynamic couple with a lot in common and yet occasional clashes of their own due to different opinions on which direction to go in so as to address those shared issues…but who likely would never hesitate for a second before backing each other up and presenting a united front against anyone else who tried to give one or the other shit for any reason whatsoever.

Also, I have vastly amused myself with the thought (and the occasional post here and there) of Ted and Bruce continually glowering at each other and blaming each other’s son for being a bad influence on their son, who has never done anything wrong in their life ever, CLEARLY (even if Bruce had actually just grounded Jason the day before. Whatever. Ted doesn’t need to know that).

Anyway, so that’s the JayTom I reference now and then. I’ve always maintained that Jason could really benefit from having a stronger support system of friends distinct to him and not sharing similar dynamics with any of his siblings, so then I was like, well if Jay doesn’t die, and I have him and Dick closer in this AU than they’re usually written as being, plausibly Jason would spend a lot of time at the Tower to get away from Bruce and his own fights with him.

With Dick being more than able to relate to trouble dealing with Bruce and thus happy to lend a sympathetic ear….and eventually maybe express to Bruce that it might do them both some good for Jason to make more friends his own age and have some normal routines that took him out of the house and Gotham enough that he and Bruce don’t constantly feel like they’re breathing down each other’s necks and keeping tension a constant thing between them. A little space now and then could benefit them both, give them chances to cool off after their fights and actually MISS each other before readdressing the issues.

So then I could see the Titans kinda sending out invitations/recruiting various teen heroes around Jason’s age that they’d all maybe had their eyes on for awhile as kids who could benefit from the same kind of team unity/group support that helped them so much when they were that age just a few years ago themselves.

Which leads me to where I am now which is….I still haven’t settled on a solid lineup, because I came up with too many choices, lol. Basically, my parameters were I wanted characters who could feasibly be said to be in the same age range as Jason and Tom, and didn’t have super strong associations with any other characters that would create any kind of conflict with them being on a Titans team at this point in the timeline instead. And because I’m all about my thematics, I wanted them all to have certain root issues in common that they could all bond over and actually, y’know, support each other with and through.

(The same way I think Dick’s generation of Titans actually has certain distinct themes and issues that almost all of them share and can relate to in varying ways, which I think has a lot to do with how quickly and fully they all bonded and why they created such lasting friendships and teams between them. But that’s a whole other post, lol.)

So the central shared issues I decided to focus on for Jason’s age group of Titans were: teen/young heroes from abusive homes or runaways, ones with issues and fears stemming from and regarding their own powers or tempers, etc, and misfits who were regarded warily by other or older heroes and considered potentially able to end up on either side of the hero/villain line in the sand.

Which Dick’s generation of Titans, which of course includes Raven, Kory, etc, would not be in agreement with that last part, and thus be all the more likely to recruit these specific teen heroes and be like nyah, nyah, watch how with our help and oh yeah, SUPPORT, they all become the best damn heroes that ever did heroically hero. Suck it, JLA-holes!

(And then Donna would be like, not you Diana, you know we’re cool, its just I gotta do the team solidarity thing and Dick, Garth and Roy are still being Displeased with their mentors/dads at the moment, and also we’re all kinda ticked you guys stole Wally. Btw, we’re stealing the new Green Lantern kid, because Revenge and stuff. He’s ours now, you snooze, you lose).

So, Jason’s lineup of Titans will consist of some of the following, I’m just not 100% sure which yet, because I have to whittle down the list.

1) Jason (nominally mentored by Dick, but the latter just calls it an excuse for brother bonding time and neither of them make much reference ever to having any kind of actual mentor/protégé relationship like I see the rest of Jay’s lineup having. Plus, Jason unique from the rest already has a mentor in Bruce anyway, so his situation and reasons for being part of this team aren’t quite the same from the others, especially as one of my reasons for this AU was always addressing the issues I have with Bruce’s parenting before the canon event point of Jason’s death, and like…..so like, Bruce does get better once Dick calls out some of his shit with Jason based on his own experiences with Bruce and then later Jason returns the favor by calling out Bruce for taking Dick for granted and no longer putting in the same effort connecting with his eldest and being an actual PARENT to him like he used to).

2) Tom Bronson/Tomcat (who else would act as his personal mentor other than Gar aka Beast Boy aka Changeling, the shapeshifter extraordinaire?)

3) Grant Emerson/Damage (recruited by Roy and his personal protégéand likely BFFs with Jason IMO, as I think their temperaments are complete opposites but Grant’s the kind of kid who would roll his eyes and dolefully follow his troublemaking best friend Jay into likely danger, because his power to blow things up really comes in handy with the kind of scrapes Jason gets himself into and this in turn is a really handy thing to point out in the aftermath of pulling Jason’s butt out of a scrape and then gloating but in the totally mature and “I’m much too nice to actually be gloating, you must be mistaken about what’s happening here” manner in which I see that going down. And in terms of the parameters I mentioned, Grant grew up bounced around abusive foster homes, is watched like a hawk by various groups and heroes because of the huge catastrophic potential of his powers, which he has his own fears about, and also he has no idea who his parents are either, and I imagine him and Jason going on a ‘find out who our real parents are roadtrip’ after graduation or something).

4) Ray Terrill/The Ray (potentially recruited by Kory and her personal protégé. He was briefly a member of Tim’s Young Justice team, but part of the reason he was never that close with the other members was he was a little bit older, just a couple years or so, but enough to put him squarely in Jason’s age range. Also comes from an abusive home, and spent the majority of his childhood living in complete darkness because his asshole uncle told him he had the same powers as his father which meant sunlight would be harmful to him and make him dangerous to be around. When in reality, like his dad, Ray’s powers are fueled by sunlight and he’s like a living solar battery, keeping him afraid to leave the dark was just meant to keep him passive and powerless. Even knowing his uncle lied now, Ray still has long had fears about his own powers, unable to totally shake the fears his uncle instilled in him).

5) Todd Rice/Obsidian (potentially recruited by Raven and her personal protégé. He and his twin sister Jenny-Lynn Hayden are probably a bit older than the rest of this team, but their ages aren’t definitively linked to any points in the DC timeline, so there’s no real conflict between handwaving them as aged down to be right around the same ages as the others. Todd and Jenny-Lynn are the twin children of original Green Lantern Alan Scott aka Sentinel, and the DC villainness Thorn. They grew up in separate foster homes though with Alan unaware of their existence for most of their childhoods. Todd’s childhood was notoriously rough, with him having several abusive foster parents. He’s canonically gay and mentally ill/neurodivergent, which several of his foster homes targeted him for. In addition, his shadow powers are tied to a dark dimension that’s said to prey on his mental state and led to occasional times where he’s been a villain briefly, and at all times his powers are regarded fearfully by most people and with him shunned and avoided because of them. All of which I think makes Raven an ideal mentor for him).

6) Jenny-Lynn Hayden/Jade (Todd’s twin sister, even though they didn’t grow up together for the most part. Honestly, she doesn’t share in a lot of the issues the rest of the team prospects do, and had a relatively good childhood before her powers developed and she found her brother and they started operating as heroes together. But upon learning who her brother and dad are, she’s always been committed to growing closer with them, so I think anywhere Todd goes in this AU, she’d definitely follow, and its not like the team can’t benefit from a heavy hitter like her, let alone more girls. Not totally sure who I picture as most mentoring her in specific, probably because I don’t see her as being recruited per se, so much as just going with Todd when recruited….but I’m thinking maybe Garth, actually. Garth has a lot of range and versatility with his powers and magic, which makes him ideal for mentoring someone who not only has the same powers as a Green Lantern, limited only by her imagination…..but who also might benefit from being mentored by someone who ISN’T a Green Lantern because she doesn’t share their traditional weaknesses and thus she’d be best off training with someone whose own techniques and instincts aren’t geared around weaknesses that are literally irrelevant to her powerset).

7) Courtney Mason/Anima (A metahuman runaway who was almost sacrificed by a cult before her powers kicked in….she’s also right in the same age range as Ray, Grant and Jason, and has briefly been a member of a couple Titans lineups but never for long and usually only for big event stories. But she fits the runaway/rough home environment parameter as well as fear of her own powers….she absorbs life energy from people and animals and can potentially kill them by draining too much. She also has a separate power that’s basically a connection to an other-dimensional spirit called the Animus that she can summon forth and unleash on her enemies. I’m thinking she’d make a good recruit/protégé for Jericho actually, for a number of reasons).

8) Cynthia Reynolds/Fantasia (? Maybe? Not sure yet. Not her actual codename, but her actual codename is a slur, so I’m def gonna make up a new one, I just haven’t 100% settled on what it is yet. Suck it, DC. She’s most known for being a member of Justice League Detroit along with Steel, Vibe and the Ray, but she’s the right age range to end up recruited to be a Titan here instead, like Ray. Also is a runaway from an abusive home, and often deals with mistrust and suspicion due to her illusion powers. Perfect recruit/protégé for Lilith, IMO).

9) Cisco Ramone/Vibe (Also created as a teenage hero to be part of the Justice League Detroit lineup, which makes him the right age range and he’s another runaway. The nature of his powers makes him a good fit to be a recruit/protégéof Mal Duncan/Herald).

10) Amy Allen/Bombshell (Totally self-indulgent on my part given that I basically would ignore the vast majority of her storylines and writing, which I think suck. She was in the Titans stories revolving around Tim’s generation of the team, but she was always stated to be a few years older than the rest, like in her late teens when the majority were probably sixteen, so I think she’s a good fit for this age range. Also had a crappy home life and parents, and her powers are hugely destructive in certain applications…she basically has the same powerset as Captain Atom, though she’s never had any kind of official mentor or sidekick relationship with him. Also, I think Captain Atom is an asshat and a dillhole and he sucks, but I do like his powers, so reinterpreting Amy as a character who doesn’t suck and playing around with her powers instead is solid decision making on my part and renders Captain Atom irrelevant now. I think I shall kill him. Because I can do that. Anyway, I think she doesn’t need him as a mentor but could make a good recruit/protégé for Leonid/Red Star).

11) Carla Moretti/Cinder (Odd choice, given that she’s only ever really been used as a villainous member of Deathstroke’s anti-Titans team and was easily in her twenties at the time. Pyrokinetic who happily makes bonfires out of her enemies but written with zero attempts at nuance, like a total one note villain framed as having long since abandoned her own humanity….which bugged the crap out of me, as she was given a super angsty backstory of childhood sexual abuse and that’s just ‘why she’s like this’ and I have a deep seeded loathing for asshole writers writing survivors as villains and just blaming their casual homicidal ways on their abuse while serving up said villains to just be punching bags or dominoes for the heroes to knock down on their way to the Boss Fight. So I do have inclinations towards making an actual Titan out of her, like with Amy, because surprise surprise, both these characters being written shittily and one note was the work of the same writer, shocking. So I’d just handwave her down to the right age range and have her recruited/mentored by Donna, probably…more due to me thinking Donna would be the best person to help her deal with stuff because she’s mastered the art of avoiding avoidance via having Dick Grayson as a BFF. So with them its not really because Carla needs mentoring with her powers specifically. Idk, Carla anyway you slice it I think has a lot of rage, and Donna knows what to do with that. Written right, Donna’s not a character who judges or shames a victim or survivor for being angry…she gets angry with them, and helps them find options for what to do with that now.)

12) Hero Cruz (Lesser known Titan, has a device called the Dial H device that lets him turn into a different hero with different powers depending on the setting he puts it on. Basically Ben 10, but Hero came first. Doesn’t really fit most of the parameters, other than being around the right age range, and not even sure who would make a good mentor for him though I wanna say Vic, but not totally decided yet. Mostly I just like him and think he’s underused, so whatever).

There’s also a few other candidates that I have mostly ruled out but not totally. I thought about using the aged up version of Chris Kent, and just introduce him earlier than he showed up in canon. And then Kara/Supergirl could be his mentor because I kinda handwave her into Dick’s generation of Titans anyway, even though it was the alien Matrix version of Linda Danvers that was the only Supergirl ever on the team. Whatever. She should have been a Titan all along anyway. But also Chris would fit the team well as he had an abusive childhood as well, at his dad General Zod’s hands, and again, I just like the character.

Thought of including Virgil Hawkins/Static too, even though I think he’s closer to Tim’s age range. And again, just another character I’m a fan of and think is underused, but he would definitely be an odd man out in this group because like….he comes from a happy, healthy, loving home and family, and he loves his powers. So he would constantly be just like nodding his head along while his teammates talk and like ugh that sucks, but 10/10 absolutely can not relate, my parents are awesome. Same with Natasha Irons/Steel, who really would have to be handwaved to even be in the right age range, and again has a happy loving home environment and a superhero uncle of her own so its not like she needs a Titan mentor…..but I kinda wanna see Karen Beecher/Bumblebee take her under her wing anyway, and have them be science nerds together.

Also pretty much the only reason I ruled out Connor Hawke too, as he doesn’t really match the rest of the team in any of the parameters except for feasibly being right at the upper edge of the same age range. But again, I just love the character.

So I’m probably gonna end up throwing at least one of these other characters in there anyway, lol. I do know myself).

Anyway. So that’s Jason’s lineup of Titans, or at least the candidates as they exist bouncing around in my head now. Also, they’re pretty much Team “Everyone is Gay Except For When They’re Bi.” Which, granted, is basically how I view Dick’s generation of Titans, but with them I have to be like Make It So, in my brain, whereas with this group like….canon’s actually done the work for me for the most part lol. Ray is gay, Todd Rice is gay, Courtney is bi, Hero is gay. And I can’t actually find anything confirmed Tom was stated to be gay somewhere in canon, but I SWEAR he was, like, ugh this is bugging me.

But anyway. That’s that about all of that.

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spoopercorp · 7 years

Text

Supercorp Fic 2/4

Summary: Kara leaves for a mission and when she returns, she is not entirely herself - Kara Danvers and Kara Zor-El are gone. All that is left is Supergirl, last child of Krypton and now Rao’s successor.

Chapter Summary: Lena struggles, the ordeal hitting her harder than she will ever admit. She tries to convince herself that the Kara she knew is gone forever, that Supergirl is all that remains, that any trace of their friendship is nonexistent.

But Supergirl keeps coming back to her balcony, and it often leaves Lena wondering why.

Based on this: “plastic-pipes.tumblr.com/post/161320253433/plastic-pipes-i-can-c-basically-its-kinda-i” by @plastic-pipes.

1 | 2 | 3 | 4

"What am I supposed to do?"

Lena could feel Alex fume from the other line.

"Something!" she cried out, desperate, "Anything!"

"I'm not..." Lena trailed off, took a deep breath, "I'm not you. I'm not James. I'm not Winn. I'm just..."

She faltered again.

"Kara and I, we've only shared a few lunches together, we've only traded some light banter, we've only known each other for a few months. Agent Danvers, I probably don't mean that much to her. I'm not going to be enough."

"Listen here, Luthor, time doesn't always dictate the strength of a friendship. But I know Kara, she cares about you. A lot. So if you don't get your fucking ass out and help, if she doesn't come back home, then I'm blaming you for doing absolutely nothing while everyone else tried."

"Okay, okay."

Then Lena slumped against her desk and she finally shed a tear, "I'm sorry..."

Her apology was hoarse, but sincere.

There was a long stretch of silence.

"Don't be a coward, Lena."

She flinched at the words.

"But you've actually saved her before," she whispered solemnly.

There was a small pause.

"But you've saved the entire alien population on Earth. You can save Kara."

There was a flat, droning beep once Alex hung up.

And Lena was left alone in her office.

She sighed shakily before sliding her phone onto her desk, before moving to her cabinet and pouring herself a cup of lukewarm bourbon.

She tossed some ice into the whiskey, then moved to her balcony.

Lena was three cups into her liquor, her thoughts foggy, when she arrived.

It startled her and she jumped, the glass slipped from her hand - it was pulled by gravity, headed towards the ground many stories below and awaiting its shattering fate.

But Supergirl caught it with her almighty hand.

Lena examined the Kryptonian floating in front of her, on the other side of the railing.

Supergirl adorned the stars - the deep space of the universe wrapped fittingly around her body. Her cape was long, it passed her bare feet by a yard with a pointed end; the red of the otherworldly cloth was deeper, darker than her original suit.

The emblem on her chest was a bright gold, as if a blazing, fiery star was actually encased within the symbol - the seams that lined around the fabric were just as radiant.

She was the descendant of the sun.

She was hallowed, but hollow.

Her eyes were equally shining, though almost blank.

But Lena averted her gaze, before she lingered and thought there was a reason for the 'almost'.

That was when she realized Supergirl was still, her arm stretched out to return the glass of bourbon.

Lena took it back, made sure that she very carefully avoided making any physical contact.

"Thanks, Supergirl."

It was easy to call her that.

It's not her.

It's not.

Her tone was terse and rude, the alcohol loosening her tongue more and more, and she bit the muscle in the hopes of preventing herself from saying something stupid.

The woman in front of her simply tilted her head.

"What?" Lena snapped again.

"You do not address me as Kara, like everyone else," Supergirl stated, and she seemed unaffected by the Luthor's instability.

"'Cause you aren't," she bit out, and it sounded a little menacing.

Lena was most certainly not prepared for this visit. She did not have any other background information other than it was a mission that had gone awry. She thought, with bitter humor, that Supergirl was 'promoted' in a way.

"You are intoxicated," the Kryptonian stated.

Lena scoffed, rolled her eyes, "Please. Tell me something I don't know."

Supergirl did not speak.

She left.

And Lena was unsure whether or not she was thankful for that.

She fell asleep that night in tears, her heart aching for Kara as she wallowed in drunken agony.

Again.

She missed her.

She missed her so much it felt like she was being torn apart inside.

Lena woke up in her bed and routinely - robotically - entered her luxurious and oversized bathroom, ornate with marble and unnecessarily extravagant pillars.

All for one lonely occupant.

She grimaced from the hangover, and when she faced the mirror she noted that in her exhaustion she left her makeup on the night before, and she was still in her dress clothes.

Lena stared at herself, lipstick and mascara smudged from wiping away her tears and tossing and turning in her restless sleep.

Her dull green eyes were drained of life, they were barren and desolate, and there was perhaps just as much nothingness in them as Supergirl's.

Almost.

The grief in Lena's eyes had always been unmatched.

Unrivalled until she met her.

Kara Danvers, totally awkward and totally normal, totally human, junior reporter from CatCo.

It did not take long for Lena to fall in love, it was difficult not to be completely entranced by the blonde's love for food and curious fascination that drove her journalism.

Out of seven billion people on planet Earth, Lena's heart just had to stop for her, even though she knew that she herself would never be chosen.

Kara chose James, and though the relationship was temporary, he was everything that Lena was not - could not be.

The majority of the time she was a businesswoman, acting C.E.O. of L-Corp, so she had to be callous, cold, ruthless, with a brutal demeanor of indifference. She had to be cruel and strict and a Luthor. She was not outgoing, not terribly amicable, not quite in tune with even herself.

She was constantly lost.

Then Kara chose Mon-El, another temporary relationship, but yet another person that Lena could not be.

Her sarcastic quips were not lighthearted, they were bitter and wry and often had unintentional dark implications.

She was human - fragile - and being with a Kryptonian as a feeble being proved challenging enough without Lena being a part of an anti-alien family.

But she told herself that James was a human too, that he was an exception for Kara, and that gave her the tiniest of hopes before her mind over-thought; James was strong and passionate, but Lena was too.

She was strong on the outside, much stronger than him. It acted as a shield for how weak she was inside, and if that calculating shell was broken, then the rest of her shattered.

James did not have an impressive defense like Lena's, who gave her all on her heartless exterior. He was steadfast all around, he had a support system, he grew up with all types of love and he knew them and could reciprocate them, he could take hits from all angles, and he did not have an Achilles heel.

Lena did, and it took one well-measured strike to collapse her, to impair her so thoroughly to the point all that was left was a wreckage of fractured ruins.

Kara knew what love was, her heart was full of it and she received just as much or more in return.

Lena did not; no matter how much love she gave others, which had been exactly two people, it had never gone well.

She had to kill Jack.

And Lex was dead to her.

Maybe because she was so inept at love, because she was so disconnected and detached and unable to really fathom such an abstract concept.

So why did she give her heart to Kara? What made her different? She had already deceived her once, a liar just like everyone else when Lena had been completely open in their friendship.

She knew though, that Supergirl was Kara's secret to tell, that she was the sole person that could choose whether or not to disclose it and who to give that information to.

And Lena was never going to be one of them, and the thought really did not come to her as a shock - it was expected, but it still hurt.

The revelation left their bond in tatters, but time managed to patch it back together, even if there were still cracks, and Lena told herself that they would heal eventually, but the pain was still too recent.

Then she told herself that most of all, she was simply not enough.

By now, Lena was aware that almost all of her heart belonged to Kara; it was not consciously given, but it was still given willingly, just little bits and pieces after each of their lunches to the point Lena was unaware that it was even happening.

By the time she realized, it was too late - there was almost nothing left to give.

But Supergirl was the enemy, the cousin of Superman, the hero of Metropolis who locked her beloved brother up and further tore apart her already dysfunctional family.

And Lena ended up blaming herself anyway.

She still did.

She stood by, did nothing, as she watched her brother descend into insanity, despite the signs. Maybe it was because she was afraid of him, maybe it was because she understood the method to his barbaric madness.

If she refused to just sit by maybe Lex would not have killed thousands upon thousands of people. Maybe he would still be here with her, playing chess and showing her the ropes of being the C.E.O. of a multibillion dollar company. Maybe Lillian would have been less...inhumane and wicked.

Sometimes she wondered if she herself would soon follow.

But Lena would be damned if she stood by again, if the consequences of her inactions caused her another loss.

Lena would be damned if she just sat on the moon and watched as the flaring beauty of the sun flickered out.

And a selfish part of her did not want to try to bring Kara back, because if she tried and if she failed, that meant she was not enough.

Her conscience already had an abundance of burdens on her, weighing down her shoulders while she was already bleeding inside, crushing her chest until she was breathless and gasping for air.

But a sudden bout of dread filled Lena, spontaneously hitting her as she sat in her office chair, at the realization that Supergirl might not return due to her unforgivably inebriated state yesterday.

As night came and her employees trickled out of her building, Lena believed that she might never come back.

But she did, when everything in National City was so silent in its sleep that it might as well have been dead.

They were on the balcony again and this time Supergirl was hovering next to Lena, who was nursing yet another cup of liquor - rum this time.

They did not speak to one another, simply basked in the presence of the moon above them.

Then...

"You should rest."

Lena shrugged, elbows rested on the rails with her beverage in hand, "I don't need it. I'll sleep when pigs fly."

Supergirl gave a confused look for a second, but her mouth opened to state something instead of ask something, "Scientifically, humans-"

Lena took a sip of her drink, more sober than she was before, "I just mean I've always been a nighthawk."

"What is that?" Supergirl questioned after a moment.

"What's what?" Lena repeated, asking for clarification.

"A nighthawk," came the answer, simple.

Lena finally glanced to the side.

Of course. Gods don't really have any concept of...earthly things.

For a moment she wondered if Supergirl was gradually losing her more human memories, or if they were gone in the first place.

"I'm nocturnal to simply put it," she looked to the faint light in the cloudless sky, "I sleep once in a blue moon."

It was blunt, straight to the point.

Then it was silent again.

Then it was broken by Supergirl. Again.

"What does that mean? Once in a blue moon, that is. And what you said earlier about when pigs fly - pigs cannot fly."

And Lena found it baffling that the Kryptonian was trying to engage in a conversation; everyone else informed that holding one with her was taxing, because she never initiateed, because she preferred to be silent unless it was Alex.

And maybe Lena hated it a little bit because she was not one for small talk, never was, no one was willing to speak to her during her childhood up to when she met Jack Spheer, then Kara Danvers. Luckily for her, the blonde's mouth ran faster than her brain sometimes, so Lena was thankful that her rambling prevented her the option to speak.

Casual socializing was always pretty unnerving if she cared about the person.

Her thoughts were so harrowingly pensive she wanted to sedate herself - a coma was better than fighting for a lost cause.

"They're idioms," Lena explained slowly, cautiously, "They're phrases with meanings that aren't...inferable from the individual words themselves."

Supergirl nodded, "So?"

Lena scoffed, "Well, 'once in a blue moon' basically means 'rarely', and 'when pigs fly' basically means 'never' because, as you intelligently pointed out, pigs can't fly."

"You are amused by my lack of knowledge of these phrases."

"You hit the nail on the head," Lena answered with another idiom, maybe because she was slightly entertained by how Supergirl's eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

Then she realized that the crinkle was still there and her heart skipped a beat before she gulped the painful lump in her throat down with a swig of rum.

"And that means..."

"That you're correct in your assumption," Lena finished.

"You are speaking to me in idioms, hoping to entertain yourself with my confusion," Supergirl stated, "You do not seem to be much of one that enjoys creating jokes."

"Well, you can't judge a book by its cover," Lena smirked.

Supergirl took a moment to herself before replying, "And that means that one cannot judge something or someone based on appearance?"

"That's right," Lena smiled halfheartedly, "See? Piece of cake."

"I thought you were informed that I do not eat."

The Luthor sighed, "'Piece of cake' is actually another idiom. And here I thought gods were supposed to be omniscient."

Supergirl shook her head at the tease, "Idioms are...perplexing."

Lena only now noticed that they were both completely facing one another, entranced in their trivial banter, but she still forced distance - at least three feet apart from the goddess.

"Idioms are a part of everyday life," she explained, "Humans often speak metaphorically. We're based on emotions, and sometimes figurative statements work better than literal ones."

"I see."

Lena hummed, "I guess it's time for you to start hitting the books, just don't bite off more than you can chew."

The Kryptonian was quiet again.

"What, Supergirl? Can't wrap your head around idioms?" she joked, and a chuckle bubbled its way up her throat.

"I..." the heroine pressed her lips shut, then her ears twitched and she looked out into the distance.

"Go," Lena whispered, "They need you more."

Her own eyes widened a fraction at what she was implying with the last word.

They need you more than I do.

But Supergirl did not seem to contemplate the underlying meaning within the sentence and bolted off at sonic speed.

Her departure was excruciating, but Lena belatedly noticed that, and she was thankful that the delayed realization hit when she was in bed.

A week later, Supergirl visited again. At night. It seemed to always be at night, when everyone was gone and she was the only one present, and another thought dawned on Lena.

That she grew more and more angry every time they met. At Supergirl. At herself.

Though she did not analyze where it came from, she already vaguely knew its roots, there was no need to open more cans of worms for herself.

But when Supergirl landed, well, floated on her balcony...this time she looked a little...troubled.

But Lena did not pry and drank the alcohol in her hand instead, hoping the stupor was not so bad this time around.

And they were next to each other again, looking up at the stars, the very ones that anointed Lena's best friend.

Then finally, finally, she uttered something.

"Alexandra Danvers has taken me to many places, hoping to spark my memory."

Lena side-eyed her, saw that Supergirl was staring intently at her own hands.

She swallowed the bile in her throat, already knew that she would not like the answer.

"And you..." her voice wavered with her quivering lips, "Have you remembered something?"

"No."

The answer was succinct, decisive, and it hurt.

But the expression on Supergirl's face was almost...guilty.

"Oh," Lena said, clenching her hands so they stopped trembling, "I see. Are you okay?"

Her gaze returned to the night lights of the city, and the green in her eyes was glum.

"There is still almost nothing," Supergirl breathed, somewhat lamenting, "Yet...I find myself drawn here. To you. I think to you. It is...familiar. Were we..." she pauses, "We were something to each other, were we not? Something important?"

Lena's shoulders dropped, "Friends."

The word - the truth - tasted bitter on her tongue, more so than the liquor, but she continued, "You were - are - the closest person I have to a family. You're very important to me."

"I see..."

The tone was almost disappointed, but before Lena could determine what it meant, the voice went on.

"And what exactly determines a being's...importance?"

The Luthor shrugged, "Your guess is as good as mine. As far as I know, it's a subjective matter," she finally turned to Supergirl, eye to eye, human to entity, "Every being is important to you - you're a god, you're objective, utilitarian. That's your duty," she shook her head, "But to humans, there are countless variables. A life can be traded for many things, abstract or material..."

She sighed, ran her fingers through her hair, "There are some days where I'm to be murdered for nothing, and there are some days where I'm to be murdered for billions - or maybe even a promise, empty or not. It depends on the person, their conscience, their pride. And a lot of the times, they can be wavered. But human decisions fluctuate. With the right words of course."

Supergirl looked as if she did not particularly like the answer with how her body tensed slightly.

Her spine straightened up farther, her shoulders broadened up more.

"And your survival thus far is an example of your persuasive and dissuasive abilities I presume?"

Lena shrugged, downed her entire drink into her mouth and relished in the burn, refusing to cough when her eyes watered with how powerful it was, "Some of the time."

Now Supergirl was a little intrigued, "And other times?"

"Close calls," Lena chuckled, though it was empty, "You usually end up saving me the last possible second. You've always had impeccable timing."

Her face morphed into a scowl at how familiar she sounded, and she reminded herself for perhaps the millionth time...

It's not her.

The next time Lena saw Supergirl was around three days later.

She watched the news on her television with a glass of tequila and an appalled expression as the heroine managed to save the hostages from a bank heist.

Six died in the crossfire. Ten others sustained injuries.

Once it hit near midnight, two hours after the event, she arrived.

Lena walked out onto the balcony, to achieve a clearer view of the goddess floating before her.

And for the first time since Supergirl transcended, she looked tired and worn out.

Not noticeably though, since the exhaustion only pulled her glowing eyes down by a measly fraction.

Supergirl hovered next to her now, and they resumed their routine of looking out to National City.

Lena, at this point, was a little bit frustrated with everything; with all the meaningless conversations, with her board members, with the world, with her.

Supergirl kept coming back, and from Lena's understanding, it was usually the rest of the super gang that had to chase after her.

And she did not know why Supergirl kept coming back.

A sharp intake of breath snapped Lena out of her thoughts, she took a sip then turned her head to the side, brows scrunched together in concern.

Then Supergirl sighed.

"I cannot deliver humanity from such evil - from themselves."

Lena scoffed inside her own head.

Tell me about it.

"Humanity does not deserve salvation. They are not worthy."

And then Lena froze, her muscles pulled taut, her spine stiffened, her grip on the glass was like iron.

"How can you say that?" she whispered harshly.

"They are foolish," Supergirl stated simply, and Lena did concur with that, "They continue to repeat mistakes after being told not to do so, after being proven wrong," she shook her head, "They are cruel to one another for the most trivial of things."

Again. Agreeable.

And then Supergirl said it again, rephrased.

"Humans are unworthy of deliverance."

Something inside Lena crumbled and she lashed out, mind addled with anger.

"Kara Zor-El, Kara Danvers...Kara wouldn't have said that, in any persona of hers. Ever," she reprimanded, "She's not her cousin; he believes humans need to be protected and saved 'cause we're feeble and fragile beings; he simplifies us into needy creatures and thinks of justice in black and white."

Lena turned her gaze back onto National City, and her voice wavered, "Kara believes humans, however light or dark, should have second chances - maybe even three 'cause she's too nice for her own good. She, more than most, understands the complexities of humanity and every other being - she sees everything in shades of gray because there's more to everyone."

Lena choked down a sob, but her voice still came out a little strangled and cracked, "And I know better than anyone else how awful we are, how unnecessarily cruel we are to each other, how war is waged over the pettiest things, how fear of the unknown drives us to make abhorrent decisions..."

Supergirl's lips parted, as if to speak, but no, Lena was not done yet.

"Trust me," she rebuked, and it was dripping with disapproval, "I didn't think humanity could be saved for the longest time, especially by some..." she gestured to Supergirl's figure, "...deity such as yourself. Then Kara showed up," and her voice broke again and this time it sounded pleading, "For her, it's about helping, about supporting, about encouraging others to grow, to teach them and to learn from them. To be better than who we were."

Once the speech of reproach was over, Lena's chest heaved with every furious breath she took, and her grip on her drink was so tight her knuckles whitened.

For the longest time, Lena did not receive a reply, and she was left waiting like a fool. Then she formulated a retort, she was quick, but not quick enough because Supergirl finally spoke.

The goddess echoed her words from before, remained firm in her stance, but the cadence in her voice had a mysteriously gentle lilt to it, "Humans do not deserve to be saved."

There was silence.

Then Supergirl connected their eyes, the divine glow so soft and sincere that Lena's breath hitched.

"But you do."

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#supercorp #karlena #superluthor #luvers #kara x lena #lena x kara #lena x supergirl #supergirl x lena #eclipse

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