Nerevar — [He/Him] · 20+
Please only follow if you're 18+.
Main is @indorilnerevars - and I interact from @NehtSeht 💛
I have NPD+ASPD, but I mainly show symptoms of the first, as I'm a part of a system and I am the symptom holder of the first PD mentioned.
I'll be venting here, and posting Not SFW Things to keep it off of my main blog.
Main thing is, I know that I am deity absolutely worthy of worship and devotion. I don't think that a lot of people are Worthy of my attention - though, I'm still a good person to everybody.
As seen by the fact that this is a separate blog... I don't make this obvious to most. If you're uncomfortable, look away, etc.
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God help me
#Meat in oven. feel like biting something in anticipation. it's been so long since I've had Meat#I'm making it entirely on my own :^) From start to finish . really hoping it turns out well#Usually I need someone to like. start something for me. so I can take it over and feel Accomplished for it#Literally will ask for someone to 'make me eggs' only for them to turn the burner on. put oil in pan. put egg in#And. that's. that's where I take over#Because starting tasks is hell <3#But. THIS TIME. this one is entirely me and I get to eat so much fucking meat#Typing in hopes that I pass enough time to like. be normal about my level of excitement for meat
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YEAAAHHHH
#Decided against using the Other Grandfather image. but I did find another way to jumpscare#Therefore making this little adventure successful.#Peace and love on planet Earth .......#Side note. My wrists hurt so much. typing sucks man
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Every time I sit in call just. about. this is how I picture it.......
#I cannot type often due to lack of energy. so. well. this is how it ends up#I sit in call........ and it's the equivalent of me sitting in a little crate in the corner. waiting. alert.#Looking at people with my big ol eyes........... etc
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Slept another 12 hours due to the cold. my throat feels... Awful.
Horrific
#It's tolerable. to be fair. just. hellish to experience#I'll survive. at least it's much less terrible than the last time that I was sick...... just.#Wish my throat hurt less.
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I have had . a cold... for. A While now - and. god. the fever is the worst part of it by far. it's... hell.
Hard to think - difficult to move, and I can't really uh. speak. due to my voice being incredibly scratchy/rough. It's. objectively. better than coughing - but. man. it's miserable
#Symptoms are uhhh. fever. runny nose. voice sounds rough as hell. etc#Last I was sick... took a good long while to get better - and uh. the fever.#Holy shit.#Had me genuinely delirious for 3 days straight.#Right now. I'm just. sleeping for the majority of the day.#Out of the 24 hours available each day - I sleep for... hm. 10-15 hours roughly. But.#Yknow. first day I slept for nearly 20 hours total. it's. getting better at least#HOLY shit though. that cold I had a year ago..... delirious for 3 days straight...#I just. kept sleeping and would wake up Occasionally to roll around and moan/groan. LMAO
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#^going through minecraft screenshots. saw these seperate and wanted to save.....#Presented without context. because. truly there is none
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W.
Why do my CSP files have the openMW icon... was going through my emote folder for my finger mental mapping image... why is it like that...
#???#Really love being the most inherently violent dude and drawing myself Like That. 1 inch tall#Etc. objectively the best way to depict myself to those closest to me. honestly#ALSO. who knew... crawling out of the pit of depression causes you to get back into art. insane#Went. SO long struggling to half finish One Thing but I draw. so much. constantly for everyone now#It's Enrichment Babey.......
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LMAO
#RIGHT when I thought. hey. perhaps if I don't die. maybe things will be fine if I somehow survive#IMMEDIATELY. immediately my situation got 500x worse#LMAO!.#LMAO.#At the very least. I have. Enough to not... feel. whatever I need to end up doing#God. funny how my situation always gets worse right when I think hey. perhaps hoping for hope isn't so bad#It is bad. honestly. fuck me for thinking that survival was an option for even a singular hour LMAO#LMAO! LMAO. God. fuck it all#At least I have benzos/enough morphine in combination with vodka to allow. zero pain to be registered#Funny. funny. very funny very hilarious. wonderful life that I've lived but I... refuse. fucking refuse#Absolutely fucking refuse to allow it to even. get. CLOSE to the date that it'll get worse#Fuck it. fuck it. fuck it#Even if I can't feel better. better to write shit down and have a record of. what the fuck happened to me
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Hm.
#Survived last night. against all odds. Really weak today. feel fucking awful#However.#Really.#Really just wish that I did not have to rely on the comfort of death and drinking until I am certain my body will--#give out sooner rather than later - that... I was able to... I don't know.#Certain things are impossible. Yet I yearn despite it all because I know for a fact that it's really all that I have left for. hope.#Considering the one thing that I know would allow me the ability to survive despite the situation is. impossible.#Next best thing is taking the. If I Live I Live. If I Die. Well. Whatever approach to things.#If I survive - not much I could have done to avoid it as. despite my best attempts. if I survive. I can't do much about it#Anyhow.#I'm. going back to coping in. ways. mixing the worst possible substances together as. well. what else am I to do#Keep. trying to go back to this blog. to vent. to try to feel... something resembling 'better' - but.#I don't know. there's no point to it when it's. like this I don't think
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💙
#God.#I want. to write. something.#Attempt to. feel better. somehow. through using this blog for once#But. genuinely. can't... think of a single way that I could... possibly#Possibly. find a way through this#All I have left really is just. getting. absolutely and utterly intoxicated#While uh. imagining. some scenario in which I have. some amount of comfort throughout it all#There's. really... no way out of this one. usually I can imagine some... possible way of survival - of. Being Alright. Eventually.#In this case...#I don't know man. I deserve some amount of credit for getting as far as I did with the life that I was given.#If nothing else. I survived far longer than anyone else would have in the same situation I reckon#Wasted enough time with this - I need. So fucking much alcohol LMAO
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M. Letulle - Practice of Autopsies (Paris 1903) illustrated by G. Reign
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I miss VRChat . so badly
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