#OH also the song i used is River by Leon Bridges it's also where the title is from pls listen to it its beautiful | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thanks--for--listening · 4 years

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In my darkness I remember

as promised, part one of my two part dinahxhelena fic! tw for panic attacks and slight blood mention. also on ao3. ( @sinand-misery )

A lesson: nothing is ever easy, even when it should be.

Helena heard the voice in her head as she thought about the fight. Ten to three. Outnumbered, but not outmatched. Night sky around them, full moon above them. Open space — nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Fighting was as much about math as it was about muscle and skill, but men like these were all brute strength and unhinged rage, no finesse, no technique. The odds favored the wrong group.

The first problem was small. Her crossbow jammed just as she was about to take out goon number two. Grunting, she tossed it aside, let her combat training take over.

A lesson: rely on nothing but your own two hands. As a child, she’d questioned why she needed to know how to fight if she could kill her enemies with her bow before they got close enough to hurt her; now she was grateful for the beating she’d received for asking, for the training that followed. She was prepared. She could handle them without it. They, however, didn’t seem to know that.

The sound of her crossbow hitting the floor must have given the impression that she was a sitting duck, and suddenly instead of three men coming at her, she had five. With her bow, five was still manageable, but without it...her arrogance wasn’t so strong that she couldn’t admit that was pushing it, even for her. It was why part of her was relieved when Dinah came over.

A lesson: never lose your concentration during a fight. She couldn’t remember how often she’d been reminded, the amount of times she’d hit the ground and heard him yell focus, child. The enemy would never play fair. Any moment could be the last, so she must never let her guard down, never get trapped in the belief that she was invincible. She knew, yet she found the memory slipping away when she fought with Dinah. Alone they were each a force to be reckoned with, but side by side, their strengths playing off each other? They were electric. They seemed to dance around the men in front of them, Dinah bringing a rhythm to her fighting that Helena easily followed. They took down one, two, three, four men without hesitation, and Helena found it difficult to notice anything but the woman beside her and the men on the ground beneath them.

A lesson: always make sure you know where everyone is in a fight.

It was staring at the men they’d defeated that made her remember. As Dinah fought the fifth, Helena scanned the parking lot. All the strength and skill in the world wouldn’t help her without strategy. She’d learned the hard way what happened when you lost count, when you let one of your enemies slip your mind. So she hesitated, let Dinah finish the last guy as she saw four men on the floor, two down where Dinah had been earlier, one down and one about to go down by Renee. She counted again, then one more time, before swearing to herself and turning around.

She spotted him right as the knife flew out of his hands. She didn’t need to do the math to know where it was heading, didn’t wait for her heart to drop to the pit of her stomach before turning toward Dinah, reaching her right before she could finish off the guy in front of her. Helena felt the knife place itself in her back right beneath her shoulder, sliding into a spot just beside her spine. It sent shivers through her whole body, and she couldn’t stop a cry from escaping as she tried to force her legs to stay standing. She grabbed a knife of her own and threw it backwards, the thud of a body hitting the ground telling her she found her target.

Her hands were on Dinah’s shoulders, and she knew that without her there, she likely would have collapsed already. Her eyes were closed, and she was trying to tell them to open, to make sure that Dinah had beaten the last guy and that Renee was still alright, but her body wouldn’t let her, and so she stood there with her eyes squeezed shut, now the sitting duck they’d thought she was. She felt a trail of blood make its way down to the small of her back, the sensation so unsettling she felt herself shiver again, her whole body shaking in a way that made her feel all too fragile. Her breaths were too labored, and with every one she silently begged: open your eyes, open your eyes, open your eyes.

Her body didn’t listen, not until she felt the hands on her face. She watched Dinah come into focus, felt the warmth of her palms as she cupped her cheeks. She stared at her, and she usually knew what everyone around her was feeling, but right now her face looked like it was written in a different language. Dinah never felt anything quietly, but this one was uniquely strong, and Helena was so caught up in it that she almost didn’t notice the army walking toward them.

What had been empty space was now filled with cars, groups of men unloading out of them endlessly. Dinah glanced at them, then turned back to her, a new but equally foreign expression on her face. She placed her hands on Helena’s, and it was only when she brought them up to her ears that she understood.

Before she could protest, she turned around and screamed. Dinah’s screams weren’t something you heard, they were something you felt, and she could feel it now, the earth vibrating around them. It paralyzed her, kept her standing when she could barely feel her feet beneath her. Maybe it was the fatigue, or the blood loss, but Helena thought everything was bigger. She was louder, higher, stronger than the few times she’d used it before, and she wasn’t stopping, even as the men dropped and stayed down, even when no one was left standing but them. She screamed and screamed and screamed, her voice a cacophony, a symphony, a brutal combination of strength and beauty and horror and pain.

The end seemed to echo like the last note of an opera, the vibrato visible as it made its way across the parking lot. Helena watched as Dinah began to drop, and before her body could lunge forward she saw Renee already there, ready to catch her.

“You alright there, Huntress?” She asked, but as she looked up she must have seen the knife, and maybe it was worse than Helena thought because her face went white. “Oh, fuck.” Helena wanted to tell her she was fine, but all she could see was Dinah on the ground. Dinah unconscious. Dinah not moving.

“She usually wakes up,” she whispered, and she wanted to look at Renee, a voice from a lifetime ago whispering that it was rude to not look someone in the eye when you were talking to them, but her eyes were glued and her body was still. “She should be waking up now.”

“I wouldn’t hold your breath,” Renee mumbled, and Helena finally forced herself to rip her eyes away from Dinah because the words she just heard didn’t make any sense. When she did, she saw that Renee wasn’t looking at her anymore. She’d brought her phone up to her ear and was staring at the street behind them, waiting in anticipation before whoever was on the other line had even picked up. “Quinn,” she said, “we got a situation.”

—

“Lay her down on the couch,” Harley commanded as they walked into the warehouse Helena now called home. She watched as Renee and Harley made their way across the room. Harley had shown up in five minutes in Dinah’s car, an irony that Helena was desperate to remember for when the woman in their arms woke up.

“She should be awake by now,” Helena said again. She’d lost track over how many times she’d mentioned it during the ride here, but it was as if her brain had short-circuited and it was the only thing she could think, the only thing she could say.

“I’ve seen this before,” Renee huffed as they put Dinah down. “I think she blew her powers out.”

Helena didn’t know what to make of the words, so she kept her mouth shut. A hundred questions drowned in the pain from both the knife in her back and the sight of Dinah lying lifeless on the couch. She felt the urge to reach back, to yank it out and solve one of her problems, but Harley seemed to read her mind, because she was in front of her in an instant.

“I know I’m a genius, but I gotta say that a broken Canary is a liiiiiitle out of my wheelhouse.”

“She’s not broken,” Helena whispered, but Harley acted like she didn’t hear her.

“You, on the other hand, I can fix.” She started trying to walk Helena toward the table they’d designated for medical purposes, but the idea of being farther away from Dinah was more distressing than the knife.

“What happened before?” She called out to Renee, Harley literally dragging her toward the table. “How long did it take for her to wake up?”

“I’m not sure,” Renee said, but she sounded far away, farther than she should. “And it wasn’t Dinah who I saw blow her powers out.”

Before she could process Renee’s comment, she felt a pinch in her arm. Instinctively she reached for it, but Harley was faster, caught her wrist before she could grab the needle she saw in Harley’s other hand.

“What did you do?” Her tongue felt heavy as she spoke, and when Harley led her onto the table she found that she couldn’t resist it.

“Sorry, Princess.” Harkey’s words sounded blurry, and as her eyes shut she vaguely heard her add, “You’ll thank me later.”

—

Even with the sedation, the dreams didn’t relent. It started with a memory, one that was only a week old. The house had been quiet all day except for Dinah, who walked around singing a melody under her breath as they waited for night to fall. Helena didn’t mean to stare, but she couldn’t help herself. There was something so beautiful about the way she always let herself accompany the silence. Helena disappeared in it, but Dinah wove herself into the noiselessness until the two managed to coexist, despite the apparent contradiction. She froze when Dinah noticed her watching, but all she did was smile.

She’d asked what the song was, a desperate attempt to avoid having to explain why she couldn’t take her eyes off her, and Dinah had smiled more, had grabbed her speaker and her phone and then Helena’s hand. She dragged her to the center of the house, told her she had to lie down and close her eyes to truly appreciate it. Helena complied instantly, shocked herself with her own willingness to put herself in a vulnerable position simply because Dinah asked her to. Before she could interrogate that realization, Dinah pressed play, and Helena was pretty sure she stopped breathing for the next four minutes. It felt rude, somehow, to do anything that would possibly interrupt the man singing through the speakers. The song was so gentle, so soothing, that with her eyes closed she could almost imagine herself floating, lying in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by nothing but water, not afraid but at peace.

She felt Dinah lay down next to her, felt their arms brush up against one another, and she hoped Dinah had her eyes shut too because she could feel the heat on her cheeks. When the song ended she looked over and saw Dinah still lying on the floor with her eyes closed, a smile lingering on her lips.

When she did open her eyes, Helena expected her to act the way she had in that moment — gush about the song, send her a link to it, tell her to try listening to it when she couldn’t sleep. Instead, this Dinah opened her mouth and screamed. Her face shifted from relaxed to horrified, and Helena felt as if her body was being torn apart. As the sound waves hit her, one after the other after the other, she felt rather than heard the words: Your fault. Your fault. Your fault.

Helena woke up angry.

She discovered that she was on the med table, that she was lying on her stomach and that someone had put a pillow underneath her head. Her back throbbed as she sat up but she ignored it, her eyes already searching for the couch.

She saw her the minute Renee walked into the room.

“Has she woken up yet?” She asked in lieu of any sort of greeting.

“Hey, easy there,” Renee ignored her question as she walked over. She went to help, but Helena waved her off as she put her feet on the ground and waited for the dizziness to pass.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Renee sighed, which was answer enough, although she still said, “No, she hasn’t.”

“What time is it? How long was I out?”

“It’s been about twelve hours. You just missed breakfast.”

“It’s morning?” She turned toward the window, just now noticing the sunlight shining through.

“Yeah, whatever Quinn gave you really knocked you out. If you woke up before she got back, she said to tell you to, and I quote, ‘calm the fuck down and eat a bagel before you pass out.’”

“Where is she?” Helena asked as Renee handed her said bagel.

“Apparently our breakfast selection wasn’t up to Her Majesty's standards.”

“She can’t leave,” Helena’s voice was frantic and she could feel her rage rising. “What happens if Dinah wakes up? She’s supposed to know what to do, she—“

“Woah, woah, it’s okay,” Renee said, and Helena desperately wanted to shake off the hand that now rested on her shoulder but the pain in her back stopped her. “Harley already looked at her and said her vitals are fine. She’s just...knocked out. Recharging. All we can do is wait.”

Helena just shook her head, forced her lips together and wouldn’t let them separate. She didn’t want to leave, didn’t want to be any further away from Dinah than she already was, but she knew this feeling all too well, and no one deserved to be on the other side of her when she got like this. Instead she stormed off, ignoring Renee’s protests as she made her way downstairs.

—

She lost count almost immediately. The sound of her fist hitting the bag in front of her became white noise, her movements so repetitive she stopped feeling the pressure against her wrists. She could still feel the skin on her knuckles breaking, made sure she didn’t go numb to that pain as each punch hit its target, her gloves discarded on the floor behind her. Her eyes were open but all she saw was her mistakes, each moment a lesson she should have learned by now. Catching a knife in the back: a lesson. Dinah screaming even though she knew she hated screaming: a lesson. Dinah going down and staying down: a lesson. Everything that had gone wrong could have been avoided if she wasn’t so—

“If you tear your stitches, I’m not giving you any anesthesia when I redo them.” Helena stopped for just a second when she heard Harley’s voice, before picking up again. She could feel the throbbing in her back as she punched but she welcomed the pain, let it remind her of her failures, of the ways she let everyone down and—“

“Hey. Princess.” The name made her stop again, look back at Harley. “Seriously, that’s gonna hurt like a bitch if you keep trying to kill the punching bag.”

“Good. I deserve it,” she huffed, noticing for the first time how out of breath she was. “And don’t call me that.”

“Well, there’s certainly a lot to unpack here,” Harley said as she jumped onto a stack of mats against the wall, her feet dangling above the floor. “Which should we address first?”

“Leave me alone, Harley.” She started punching again, each swing more ferocious than the one before it.

“Ooh, so I get to pick?” She was back on her feet, wandering their training area as if it was literally impossible for her to sit still. “As much as I would love to dig into the family trauma directly, I think I’m gonna have to start with ‘ruining all of Harley’s hard work because I can’t process my emotions without violence’.”

“Harley, I mean it.”

“I mean it, too. Do you think being in pain is going to somehow change the fact that Dinah’s unconscious?” Helena could feel the rage bubbling deep in her gut, and she tried to breathe through it but it was a flame inside her, and every breath only gave it more life.

“It’s my fault,” she managed to say, and her words were quiet but she knew Harley heard her. “I deserve it.”

“What’s your fault? Do you blame yourself because Dinah went full Canary? Because that’s kinda her signature move. Ties in with the whole bird metaphor pretty nicely.”

“She doesn’t like it!” she said, louder than she meant to, and her hands were flying, railing into the bag in front of her with no sense of pace or purpose, and she knew it wasn’t safe but she couldn’t stop. “She did it for me and she doesn’t like doing it.”

“Do you want her to have done it for you?” Harley’s question hit her like the knife in her back, and every word after only twisted it more. “Does the fact that she’d put herself in harm's way for you make you feel all warm inside?”

“Harley,” She warned, the tension in her body tightening like a rubber band waiting to snap. She knew she was taunting her, but she also knew it was working.

“Or maybe, watching Dinah collapse and not wake up brought back some memories you’d rather forget about the last time people you love fell down and didn’t get back up. Maybe it is about the family trauma after all.”

“STOP IT!” She hit the bag in front of her, and this time the pain was blinding. She fell to her knees, barely registering her impact with the floor as she reached back for the wound she was confident was now bleeding.

She saw the shoes first, looked up to see Harley standing above her. She slowly sat down, waited until they were at eye level with each other, before quietly asking her, “Feel any better?”

Helena didn’t have enough resolve left to lie. “No.”

“That’s because you’re acting like you’re angry. But you’re not angry. Not really.”

“What,” She panted, “would you call this, then?”

Harley put a hand on her shoulder, and again Helena wanted to shove her off but again she lacked the strength. “It’s fear, Princess. You’re afraid.”

Part of her didn’t want to ask, but she couldn’t help herself. “Afraid of what?”

“Only you can answer that. But my guess? Losing the people you care about. Having people to care about in the first place. The idea that if you lose them, it’ll be your fault, and there’ll be no one to track down on a thrilling vengeance-filled adventure.”

Helena just sat there. She willed her brain into silence, practiced the meditation techniques she’d been taught because she didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to think about anything Harley said. Anger was easier. Anger was familiar. Anything else…

“But what do I know?” Harley spoke again, and Helena had to force herself to look up at the woman in front of her. She smiled, but in a kind way, an expression she didn’t see on her face very often, at least not when Cass wasn’t around. “I only went to Med school. And speaking of Med school,” she ran to the mats she’d sat on earlier and came back with what looked like a fancy first aid kit, “turn around so I can redo my beautiful work.”

Helena complied, but she kept her eyes on Harley as she reached for a syringe. “I thought you weren’t going to give me anesthesia this time,” she said quietly.

“Well, I wasn’t, but now that I know you want to torture yourself, I’m not gonna let you.”

“You gonna knock me out again?” Helena asked as she turned her head forward, felt Harley wipe away the blood making a trail down her back.

“And risk getting stuck listening to Renee yelling at a TV for the next four hours because a group of grown men can’t run a ball over a line? Yeah, I don’t think so. You’ve got to suffer through that one with me.”

Helena almost smiled at the thought. “You should have seen her face when I told her that real football is played with your feet, not your hands.” Harley cackled, and the sound gave Helena the confidence to ask her, “Why did you sedate me the first time? I’ve been stabbed before and removing the knife isn’t that bad.”

“First of all, how frequently are you getting stabbed?” Helena tried to shrug, which turned into a flinch when she remembered where exactly this stab wound was located. “Second of all, it wasn’t because of the wound. Not entirely, at least. But it was easier to fix if you were calm, and without Dinah here that was the best option I could think of.”

“What do you mean, without Dinah?”

“She’s the only person who can make you actually relax. Even you have to have noticed that by now.”

Helena kept her mouth shut. As Harley worked, she welcomed the silence, let it into her mind so she wouldn’t have to think about things she’d rather ignore. Silence was a comfort, and she embraced it.

“You want me to fix up those hands, too, Rocky?”

Helena shook her head, waited until she knew Harley was finished before telling her, “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“Oh, please.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.” Helena turned back, and they stared at each other for a minute, before Harley sighed. “Trust me, I’ve dealt with much worse than you.”

“But what if I had hurt you? I wasn’t thinking, I was just reacting.”

Harley just laughed. “I hate to break it to you, Princess, but you don’t scare me.”

She didn’t want to think about what did scare her. “Why do you keep calling me that?” She asked instead, and she knew she was a coward by avoiding all the hard bits but she didn’t care, not today. This was already more than she’d planned on speaking anyway, and she didn’t think she had the energy to go any deeper than a nickname right now.

Harley shrugged. “That’s what everyone used to call you. You know, back when you were just a Bertinelli and not a crossbow killing machine. Even after, whenever people wrote about you or the family, the name stuck. You became a bit of a legend around here, and legends aren’t allowed to be normal. So in life and death, you became Gotham’s Princess. Eternally immortalized in childhood innocence, guilty only of having the wrong last name.”

“I know,” she said, memories of scourging through old newspapers in Italy flashing through her mind, “but you don’t have to remind me all the time.”

“The history behind it might suck now, but that isn’t going away, so you might as well make the most of the title you’ve got.” She winked at her as she stood up, and added, “Besides, how else can I remind you that I was a Queen, and I outrank you?”

Helena flipped her off, but she didn’t mean it, and by the way Harley laughed she guessed that she knew.

“No more punching shit!” Harley called out as she walked back upstairs. Helena just sat there, laid down on the mats, letting the familiarity of the training gear diffuse her anger in a different way.

—

By the time the sun set, Dinah still hadn’t woken up, and Helena could tell that even the others were getting anxious now. They kept watching her, as if their eyes had the power to do anything more than stare. Dinner was uncomfortably quiet, even for her, and no one would say it but they all knew why.

“Well,” Harley said as she stood up, “as much fun as this has been, I’ve left Cass to her own devices for far too long.”

“You know you could bring her here—“

“No.” Helena didn’t raise her voice, but the others looked at her as if she had. The word was the first thing she’d said since her confrontation with Harley in the basement that morning, and it wasn’t unusual for her to go that long without talking, but it stuck out today, was exposed as an oddity without anything else to fill the space around her.

Renee looked confused, but before she could push her on it Harley said, “Yeah, I know. Not today.”

“Before you go,” Renee called out as Harley went to leave, “help me carry her to the bed. Not you, Bertinelli,” she said as Helena started to get out of her seat. “You sit your wounded ass down before we have to stitch you up a third time.”

“‘We’? You nerds might fight as a team, but only one of us has a PhD.” She shook her head as she and Renee walked over to the couch, and Helena heard her mumble under her breath, “When you challenge the legality of certain actions it’s a ‘Harley’ problem, but suddenly you save the day and become a ‘we’.”

Helena almost smiled, until she saw them lift Dinah off the couch. Her whole body was limp. Instantly she was hit with the feeling of recognition, so strong time itself stopped existing. Dinah looked dead, looked like everyone who had come before her, every person she had loved who had met the same fate, and only Helena knew what it felt like to watch, to pretend to be among the rest, to be carried that way but still feel the weight of the world, the burden of existence.

Helena didn’t realize she’d stopped breathing until she felt a hand on her shoulder. She blinked as she gasped for air, was met with the concerned looks of Renee and Harley. She watched their mouths move, knew they were talking to her, but she couldn’t hear anything, and for the first time in years the silence scared her. She squeezed her eyes shut, tried to remind her body it was alive.

When she opened her eyes again, she felt the world shift into focus, just slightly. She still saw the two women in front of her, but now she felt them. Harley had a hand on her wrist, checking her pulse, but it was Renee, with the back of her hand resting against her forehead, checking for a warmth Helena knew wasn’t there, that made her flinch. It was too close to what she remembered, too much, all of it, everything was too much she couldn’t think she couldn’t breathe she couldn't—

The hands on her shoulders hit her so hard she felt her back twitch. She didn’t remember closing her eyes but now she opened them again, saw Harley’s face in front of her. She still couldn’t hear, but with only one face to focus on, she forced herself to use her training. Reading her lips, she saw Harley tell her something about breathing, which she realized she wasn’t doing. Somehow that made her angry. Something so inherent, so essential to existence that it was almost never done intentionally, yet she had to be reminded to inhale, to exhale, to allow herself to survive. She was weak, and her weakness would endanger everyone she cared about, would lead to their demise. It already had.

The thought sparked something in her, and instead of holding her breath now she was taking too many, and she knew she was doing it but she didn’t know how to stop. She’d felt fear before, unimaginable fear, unfathomable fear, and yet this was something entirely new. It was suffocation at her own hands, drowning in oxygen, sinking into an oblivion she created. It was a unique kind of agony, caused by a wound she didn’t know how to heal.

She felt the hand across her face, the sting making her freeze long enough for her body to catch up with her mind. She looked up, saw Harley’s face and finally heard her say, “You with me now, Princess?” She nodded slightly, and her chest still felt heavy and her breaths were shorter than they should be but at least now she was aware. When Harley told her how to breathe she listened, until the world came back to life, until she could feel everything again, from the burn on her face to the wound on her back to the dried tears on her cheeks. She wiped at those the moment she recognized them, prayed the others didn’t notice. She wouldn’t have them believing her to be weaker than she already was.

She didn’t know how long they sat there, just breathing. Harley had a patience she’d never seen before, and she wondered if this was what Doctor Quinzel had been like before the asylum and the acid and everything that followed. Renee sat next to her, held her hand, and her embarrassment was overridden by the comfort it gave her, so she didn’t pull away, not until time came back and she felt like herself again.

When Harley seemed satisfied in Helena’s ability to breathe on her own, she walked to the fridge, grabbed a water bottle, and told her, “You’re going to drink this whole thing before you go to bed.” Helena nodded as Harley handed it to her. “You want me to stay tonight?”

Helena shook her head. “I’m fine,” she added, the humiliation now left with nothing in its path. She took her hand out of Renee’s and instinctively reached for the hair tie on her wrist. “I don’t even — I mean, I’ve never—“

“It’s fine,” Harley said, and she was still mostly in Doctor mode, but Helena could hear bits of the Harley she knew coming back. “You had a panic attack. It’s a totally normal response to an increase in stress or a particularly traumatic experience, both of which you’ve had in the past 24 hours.”

“Yeah, I had a girlfriend who used to get those all the time. Took medication for it and everything. Although no one ever slapped her across the face,” Renee said, giving Harley a look that was both frustration and confusion.

“Admittedly, my method of stopping said panic attack may not have been entirely ethical.”

“Oh, you doing something unethical? I’m shocked.”

“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”

“So what, you’re just going to slap her every time it happens?”

“It’s not gonna happen again,” Helena snapped. “And I don’t need drugs, there’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Taking medication doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you,” Harley told her, and if she’d had any more energy Helena knew her blood would be boiling but for now she settled for a simmer.

“I’m not weak. I don’t need them.”

“No one’s saying you’re weak, but you have a history of trauma and no healthy long-term coping mechanisms, so it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility that should you seek some sort of method of therapy, medication might be prescribed.”

“You think I need therapy now?”

“Therapy isn’t bad, either, Princess. It’d be like going to PT. It’s just for your brain instead.”

“But—“

Harley sighed. “If Dinah went through what you did, would you tell her there was something wrong with her?”

The simmer disappeared just as quickly as it arrived. “No,” she admitted reluctantly.

“Then there you go. And don’t worry,” Harley said with a grin that was borderline sinister. “Therapy or no therapy, you’re as sane as I am.”

“That’s reassuring,” she mumbled, and Harley looked at them, before slumping her shoulders in defeat?

“Really? None of you caught that Harry Potter reference?”

“Do I look like someone who’s watched Harry Potter?” Renee said, and Helena kept her mouth shut, tried to hide the fact that she had no idea what they were talking about.

“Ugh, where’s Cass when you need her? She’s the one who showed me the movies in the first place. See, unlike this lot, the kid actually has interests outside of vigilantism.”

“Yeah, I don’t think you’re one to lecture us about having hobbies, Quinn, considering yours are just as violent as ours.”

“Yeah, whatever,” she said, and she pretended to look annoyed but Helena could tell that’s all it was: pretend. Harley turned toward her, and her face softened. “I’m serious about staying, though.”

Helena shook her head. “Cass needs you. I’ll be fine.”

Harley stared at her for a minute, before shrugging and heading toward the door. “Let me know when Sleeping Beauty wakes up, I wanna wear a wig and convince her that she’s slept for five years.”

“Good night, Harley,” Renee called out as the door closed behind her, and suddenly the quiet was too much again. Helena looked down at her hands, at the hair tie she twisted around her fingers over and over and over again. She couldn’t remember when the habit started, or why she did it, but she couldn’t stop doing it, either.

“You wanna stay up for a while?” Renee asked, and there wasn’t pity in her voice but Helena swore she could hear it anyway.

“I think one of us should stay in Dinah’s room tonight. In case she wakes up.”

“That’s not a bad idea. This your way of saying you want the first shift?”

Helena nodded. For a minute neither of them spoke, before she finally asked the question that had been on her mind all day. “It was her mom, wasn’t it? The person you saw who blew their powers.”

Renee sighed, and Helena felt a little guilty for asking now but she also wasn’t sure she could go to sleep without knowing. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to sleep once she did know, either.

“It was back when her mom was running with that little crew of hers. You probably don’t even remember you were so young, but they used to go out and do what we did, just more publicly. And one day —I’m not even working, just happened to be walking by — a fight breaks out, and they all squad up, including Canary. Most people ran away, but I lingered, waited to see if I could help, which—“ She laughed, and Helena was too captivated to try and guess whether she was supposed to laugh with her or not — “they’re out here fighting some Meta and I think my gun and handful of years as a beat cop are gonna help save the day. So I’m delusional, but I’m there, and this guy just would not go down. I mean, they threw everything they had at him and he barely flinched.”

Renee paused, and Helena didn’t have the patience to wait for her. “Is that why she did the scream?”

“No.” Something about the way she said it made Helena put her guard up, although she wasn’t sure what she was protecting herself from. “Before that, one of the guys on their team went down. Kinda like you did last night. Alive, but not in great shape. And we never really knew, but the rumor was that he and Canary were...you know, ‘a thing’, or whatever your generation calls it now. They liked each other, as more than teammates, and when he went down…” she looked back at the bedroom, where Dinah slept undisturbed. “She screamed longer than I’d ever seen or heard her do. And she took the Meta down, but as soon as she finished she dropped. One of her teammates ran off with her before the rest of the crowd could see. But I saw. And The Canary didn’t make any sort of public or private appearance for a week and a half after that, even when the team did.”

“Oh.” Just listening to it felt wrong, felt like a betrayal to Dinah somehow, even though it was Renee’s story.

“So I don’t think Dinah will sleep for a week, but once she does wake up, I think we should be prepared for her to be out of commission for a while.”

“Do you think she’ll wake up soon?” She hated how small she felt as she asked but she was too tired to do anything about it.

“Yeah. I think she will.” Helena didn’t think Renee was lying to her, but she also didn’t think she fully believed what she was saying. She didn’t call her out on it, just nodded and promised to wake her for a second shift.

She waited until Renee went off to her room before gathering up the courage to walk into Dinah’s. When she did, she sat on the floor, back against the wall near her head. For an hour she barely moved, just stared at Dinah or the wall in front of her. She waited, until she couldn’t hear Renee moving anymore, until she found courage that only the early hours of the morning could give, before pulling out her phone and finding the song she’d shown her, the one she’d dreamt about. She pulled out her headphones, closed her eyes, and clicked play.

#birds of prey #dinah x helena #please let me know what you think i thrive on the validation from others!#TFLAO3 #fanfic #bop #and if anyone wants me to tag them when part 2 goes up lmk i know ao3 is struggling a bit sometimes rn #OH also the song i used is River by Leon Bridges it's also where the title is from pls listen to it its beautiful

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inspiringwhilerespiring · 4 years

Text

Get to know me?

Yoooo - yall remember Myspace, and people would blog survey posts lol. Well thats me, I’m people. And I just wanna write my lil heart out and avoid all of my real life responsibilities. So found a lil questionnaire thing and I’m gonna fill it out. Also lowkey like doing this every so often so I can look back on it and reflect and see how much I may have grown/changed/shifted viewzzz ya feel? :)

Sooo here yall go <3

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My neice maybe?

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

People who know me would tell me to put outgoing, but I honestly feel shy on the inside, so it just depends.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Literally anyone lmao fuck this quarantine

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Definitely

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Lets hope so

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind souls <3 always notice how they talk to their friends and family, but even people they don’t know like servers or janitors, etc. that shit matters heavy.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Probably not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

A few homies

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nah not really, just depends

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Not sure -it’s been a min since I had a “deep” connection or convo that I can remember - but was probably with my bestie R’Bo

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Google that shit” lmao me, giving advice to my friends

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

TOUGH!!!! After Hours by The Weeknd is up there, Cayendo by Frank Ocean (been jamming his shit HAARD lately) and Inside Friend by Leon Bridges & John Mayer….but also been listening to albums - like Childish’s new album, Floreyyy for lo-fi shit, and also got into 070 Shake recently just to name a few.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

FUCK YA

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yeah budddyy

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Idk, my bday party was lit?? And lots of river floats happened

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Lol

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Cant deny that there isn’t so yaaa

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Just moved, so don’t know em

21. What are you bad habits?

Procrastination lol and biting my nails

22. Where would you like to travel?

Literally ANNNYY-fuckin-WHERE!

23. Do you have trust issues?

Hmm I wanna say generally no, but I also always keep it one hunnnid with myself, and as much as I’d like to say I don’t have any - I think I def have insecurities with myself, that have the potential to become “trust issues” in certain relationships, but overall no. I live by the whole “you have my trust til you fuck it up” mantra

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Coffee in the morning lately, missed it and forgot how energized it makes me - gives me time to wake up and reflect/set daily goals

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Stomach forever :((((

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Scroll on my phone, pee usually, or feed my cat lol

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Tanner maybe?

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My mom or my best friend R’Bonney - but any of my close friends and fam honestly

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Not directly

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Lol ok, so this is always changing…but lately (and by lately I mean the past few years) its been a no. I’m open minded though and am aware that I’m always changing my mind sooo who knows

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yeppperoo

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Honestly, those aren’t my “thing” lollike id prob laugh or be awkward or just have to be hellllla drunk - but like I wouldn’t mind Jason Momoa and Tom Hardy tossin me around

33. Spell your name with your chin.

hjaylkee

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Scocer back in the day - actually went and kicked it like a week ago for the first time in YEARSSSS - felt so damn good

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV, music forreeevverrr

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Lol story of my life

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

“Soooo” then probably ask a question or some shit lol

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Hmmm…definitely have to be funny/have a good sense of humor. They’d have to be open-minded for sure. Up for trying new things, places, cultures, food, music, etc. Just have an adventurous spirit I guess when it comes to that. Have a good line of communication/openness - and just be able to have a deep/intellectual convo about anything and everything. Bonuses: taller than me, likes cooking, and going to music shows.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Amazon lol I hate shopping

40. What do you want to do after high school?

To go back to high school :( lmao so much id re-do, cant believe its almost been a decade

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Hell yeah, this is life my dudes, dont take it so seriously - we all fuck up at some point or another

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Something is on my mind for sure, or im just tired lol

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yeah

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

DAMNNN WHAT so hard - I guesss if I had to pick, space…just because it’s more rare/harder to do I’d think.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

My cat lol with his meowing ass

46. What are you paranoid about?

Lowkey a lot lol

47. Have you ever been high?

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Who hasn’t????

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

naw

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black probably, like half my wardrobe

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Of course

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My bad habits

56. Favourite colour?

Yelllllow :)

57. Favourite food?

Oh gaaawwd, literally anything - lately: PB&J’s, fries, wings, Mediterranean, Mexican, pickles, ice cream, ramenzzzz

58. Last thing you ate?

Pistachios

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Cofffeeee w creamer

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Idk, not off the top of my head - maybe something back in elementary

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nah

62. Been arrested? For what?

Yeah lmao

63. Ever been in love?

Yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

No its really not that interesting and idc to type it out

65. Are you hungry right now?

24/7/365

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Lol yes a few of them <333

67. Facebook or Twitter?

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Noooo

70. Names of your bestfriends?

R’Bonney is number 1

71. Craving something? What?

Foooood, and companionship? Lol

72. What colour are your towels?

Idk, random, mostly blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

A lot lol

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Lol no, but I have my one from my childhood in my room

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

1 - shout out to you Mr.Fluffy

75. Favourite animal?

I am fascinated by sharks; and like gators/crocs. But I have mad respect for elephants, they’re sooo damn smart and beautiful.

76. What colour is your underwear?

Dont have any on

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

BITCHHHH CHOC

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

All of them

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Tie-dye

80. What colour pants?

none

81. Favourite tv show?

Game of Thrones prob

82. Favourite movie?

Avatar or Shawshank Redemption

87. First person you talked to today?

Sissy

88. Last person you talked to today?

Friend on FT

89. Name a person you hate?

No one, maybe Trump? lol

90. Name a person you love?

Everyone, fr fr

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Nah

92. In a fight with someone?

Nah

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Not enough <3

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Not enough <3

95. Last movie you watched?

The Decline on Netflix, short lil foreign oil, was deep/interesting

96. Favourite actress?

Not sure-Sandra Bullock? Or Meryl

97. Favourite actor?

Denzel or Morgan Freeman

98. Do you tan a lot?

Nah not anymore honestly

99. Have any pets?

Yessss

100. How are you feeling?

Mediocre

101. Do you type fast?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Im sure

103. Can you spell well?

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Lol im nostalgic af, so yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yes litttty tittyyy

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Probably :(

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Hell yeah brother, I’m from TX

108. What should you be doing?

So much shit lol

109. Is something irritating you right now?

The fact that I ain’t doing all the shit I should be lol

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yooo yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Prob my sister or my mom?? Lol I cry a lot, idk and idc

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Hayls?

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

Back in the day

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Surprisingly, no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Nah, unless maybe if its homemade

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yeah occasionally, more of a Thai food chick or Japanese

119. Favourite book?

Kite Runner

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Low-key sometimes lol

121. Are you mean?

Hell noooo

122. Is cheating ever okay?

Ok, this is an interesting one lol I mean no, it’s not “okay” - since it usually constitutes lying/hiding/hurting someone - BUTTTT, for a lack of a better term - I wanna say it’s “normal”? But thats because I, personally, am on the fence about the concept of monogamy. Like no, I’ve never cheated nor experienced that in return - but the whole concept of monogamy and like that a person can love and only love or be with one person is WILLLLDDD and I can’t help but note that its a social construct that we, as a society, are conditioned to from the time we are born. Idk if that makes sense bc im high af lol but those are my thoughts…like to sum it up - cheating is fucked up and sucks, but at the same time its not all that surprising/shocking anymore, like borderline “normalized” just as divorces are and shit, so I feel like bc biologically we aren’t made to be with one person lol. I don’t condone it tho. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Hell to the naw naw

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Hmmm idk about that one, but also can’t deny it

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah of course, you’re talking to a hopeless romantic

126. Are you currently bored?

I guess we could say that

127. What makes you happy?

Food and close, loved ones

128. Would you change your name?

Nah, too much paper work

129. What your zodiac sign?

Cancer, with my lil moody, sensitive ass

130. Do you like subway?

I did lol

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Story of my mf life lol literally all my exes are “best friends turned lovers” situation, so guess it would just depend lmao

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Lol oh godddd; ok off the top of my head - Tupac - Keep Ya Head Up is what comes to mind; just a timeless song and the lyrics are still relevant/apply to this day and idk just really resonate with the message behind that song <3

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Idk, but it was probably SO dumb, and told to my parents lol

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Either or, lately open so my cat can go in and out lol

137. How tall are you?

5’6 mayyybeee 5’5 actually lol

140. Summer or Winter?

Fall!!

141. Night or Day?

Def a lil night owl, always have been

142. Favourite month?

April and October for weather at least

143. Are you a vegetarian?

No but I try, and go through phases, I’m definitely mindful the older I get and more focused on my health I become

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

FUCKIN ALLLLL

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee but I like tea too, just seem to drink coffee more regularly

146. Was today a good day?

The grateful-to-just-be-alive in me wants to say yes lol but idk, felt off/unaccomplished and cried a lot, so no.

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“This too shall pass”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Sure why not

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“After all, what he had always wanted was just that: to know new places.” -The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

#survey #about me #haylee #thoughts #mine #questions #ask me anything #ask #lets chat #be my frieeennnddd

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mandssisters · 7 years

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Laditude - GOTR takeover Latitude 15th July 2017

The road to Latitude was a long road, the 8 hour drive made me feel like I should have been in the states travelling to a local gig! Whereas in the UK…… a LONG DRIVE!

Arriving Thursday for the weekend, we set up basecamp amongst Waitrose shoppers! (Personally I am more Lidls) (more Waitrose later) A great pitch location within short walking distance for the Sausage Pork Shack (that’s breakfast sorted) and loo’s…. close but not too close! Despite packing lite the load was indeed heavy!

Off to the main festival site for the afternoon evening. Latitude had a character all of its own. Delightful wooded areas, the river, the waterfront stage, comedy arena, lake stage, theatre and other music zones. The main stage Obelisk Arena was set at the bottom of a natural hill so made a great arena, unlike other festivals at the back was a GA set of tiered seats. Great idea.

Lots of quirky stalls to spend one’s hard earned cash. Merchandise purchased. Finally I get my hands on a Garratt Tee shirt. Can you ever have too many t-shirts? We found a tasty food stall making great Tibetan cuisine, a real treat.

The lockers. When booking we selected the option of a secure locker, in the mind you see a gym locker, the reality was quite different. All very organised and secure, but only the size of first edition Harry Potter! The struggle was real to get all the newly purchased merch inside! At the cost of the camera, latitude pint glass and knitted cactus…… cannot have everything in life.

Being a tad tired we head back to camp and attempt to sleep……….. The hours between midnight and 7 am can be long can’t they!!!!! At least I rested!!!! Such a relief the Scousers next door had a great time……festival life.

Friday, exploring day. Pink Sheep, Lakes, river banks, gondola rides, comedy, ballet, music. We saw and heard it all. Went to see Charlie Fink in the theatre a very touching play. Another highlight being the BalletBoyz.

Demonstrating the high end nature of this festival, we browse a “living jewellery gemstone stall” tempted by the lapis necklace should or shouldn’t I spend money…. the lady next to me spots an amethyst lazer cut silver ring, the stall holder points out that it is indeed to most expensive item on the stand, her friend, what £200…. errrr no £2000. Lady next to me, places it on the hand stares at it for around 30 seconds and says, I’ll take it. The stall holder close to tears of joy can’t quite #believe. She pays on her credit card saying I’ll tell the husband later he just bought me a pressie. When in Rome the Lapis is indeed purchased! Bargain.

The 1975 were headlining so we decided to sit on the back row, what a great view and great set. This was the last date of the current tour, hardcore fans had been barriering it all day. An emotional good bye until October 2018! We’ve all been there. It was a chilly evening many layers were on, I was as usual rocking the homeless look. Back to basecamp to “warm up”. #fail.

A much better nights sleep, the ear plugs working their magic. Must have got at least a 6 hour snooze. The weather looked ok for the day, warm, but not hot, sunny but not on fire, but maybe light showers in the afternoon.

Pack a sweater and poncho, don the wellies.

Mixing up the day with a cheese and baked bean toastie for breakfast. Every night the festival ground itself is vacated and you camped off site. Festival Gates open around 10am, so we head back down and wander to the Obelisk Arena. The arena is taped off until the site is declared ready. It is has been transformed overnight into a GOTR stopover/takeover. With Willis flags flying proudly around the arena and new stage surround added. We meet a Nanny that is paid to sit on site over the weekend to make sure her crew are behaving! This was her 10th year! Tempted by the offer of a £70k a year job in Dubai we refused!

B, G, S, and F arrive! Yay! The gang are here. A very causal dropping on the tape and the cruise to the barrier is easy. Wot no bag search, hole punching of tickets, queueing for wrist bands, and steps, front row and never had been such a breeze!

The stage is very high, I guess because of the hill, also down the front there is an uneven layer of sand/gravel which makes for a messy seat! Hiding cables I guess but ruining the arse of the trouser!

The very best sound check for a good 30 mins prior to their opening set. Seye is working with Gorillaz on the Humanz tour. I think his absence was definitely noted. Wot no WE OK in Sight! They had a tough crowd, first up, early in the afternoon and to a bit of a lame crowd. Maybe the Waitrose crowd don’t wake up until after the sun passes the yard arm. Good set none the less.

Ben appears on stage to announce Lucy Rose, this was indeed the largest audience she had ever played in front of. I can’t remember much of her set as I was “struggling”, all I can say is thank god for Tang Tastics. Never have I needed you more! Lucy I am sure did a great acoustic set. #tired.com

It suddenly gets really crushed and tightly packed down the front, all exit plans are now waived from the mind. Milky chance, nope I hadn’t heard of them, but clearly Waitrose Kid shoppers had. It was rammed down there with mosh pit circle dances gaps and barrier ramming being undertaken. Oh it was fun! They were very good. Just what the soul need post L.R.

Glass Animals next, again, crush fest, the stage dressing was a large golden pineapple, this brought a smile to my face…… party like a 🍍 #fondmemories they were really good, a great tonic. Bashing out tune after tune. Clearly they were having a great time as well. The fan base of course bringing inflatable pineapples and pineapple sunglasses, said pair live on in DDD thanks to the careless actions of a fan! But the careful squirrelling of said DDD fan!

More peeps than ever now down the front for Two Door Cinema club. Great stage graphics, great tunes, saw them at Glastonbury last month and they never disappoint. Surviving all three of the last acts was a bit of a feat of endurance, but we did it.

The teenage Waitrose shoppers had now dispersed by around 20% so we now had room to dance around again. Leon Bridges was totally awesome and oh so talented, he had all the moves, very 50s rockabilly but with a modern twist. Great soul in his voice. It’s not every one who can carry off the cricket whites look! He did a blinding set.

By now it was 2045 hours and only 45 mins until Mumford!

Throughout the day the stopover was old Skool and used linen fabric backdrops to showcase the artist. Mumford indeed went old skool and had the same stylish graphic set up. I don’t think we will see the May pyro stage set again.

2130 and OMG the boys were right on the button. They blew me away from the start. Opening with Snake Eyes, I’m not sure where the bounce came from, (hula hoops) (Capri sun) (Tang tastics) (sesame bars), but it was there from the first chord. Loved this show.

The tunes flowed, the chaps clearly having a blast and enjoying it as well. Very much a festival set, mixing it up. Hearing the songs from Johannesburg again, Baaba Maal throwing his shapes and the beauty that is Si tu Veux, Marcus taking lead on Wona, it was a real carnival set. I will never tire of hearing those songs. Love love love.

Up and coming artist Maggie Rogers and fellow takeover artist joined them for Awake My soul. Sounding beautiful.

Too soon it was Ditmas, will he or won’t he risk the Waitrose run…. of course he did! We did worry about the quantity of inflatable sofas, picnic blankets, camping chairs in the arena! NO one got hurt! He made it back to the stage!

Encore to Blind Leading the blind. Then the gathering of friends and fellow performers for “With a little help from my friends”. Another classic, spotting JQ, Leon Bridges, Maggie Rogers, The Very Best, Gill Landry. Marcus shaking the life out of a tambourine never fails to make one smile. What a great takeover. Latitude loves the Sons.

As per Marcus’s instructions we took the aftershow party to Jack Garratt. That boy was at the top of his game. It’s not many that can pull of a matching shirt and shorts combo, but he wore it with pride. We sang, we laughed, we dance the sole out of our wellies. What an atmosphere. Epic. Blinding. Outstanding! Can’t wait for his formal return with album two. I think it’s fair to say Jack loved it as well, doing his mini “celebratory Ditmas” run around the front pit hi fiving everyone.

Still buzzing from Mumford and Jack, we head onwards to the GOTR bar and the Sunset Arena for a spot of chilling and lounging with HBOV. It’s a lovely area to chill on a log and to reflect on a great weekend, well done chaps, you pulled off another blinder. High five. 🍹😎🌲🌳

Now nearly 3am we decide to call it quits for the day and head back to the comfort of the tent……. nope we didn’t find it.

Sunday… sorry to have missed you Fleet Foxes 🦊 but homelands beckons. Thanks to the person who donated the freecycle tent ⛺️ other people’s waste! 🤓

#mumford and sons #mumford & sons #marcus mumford #Ben Lovett #ted dwane #Winston Marshall #GOTR #gotr stopover #latitude

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