#No wonder Nikolai has no fears anymore at this point in time. How could he when he got over the worst of them ages ago | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

clairecrive · 3 years

Note

Hi could we please get a really angsty fic with nikolai (with a happy ending pls) where reader and he has had a fight so they maintain the facade on the outside bc they're royals but in private it's just ignoring each other/angst?

Young Royals

A/N: ahh, this is angsty alright but it seems I'm only capable of writing hurt/comfort lately. This took a life of its own and it's long af but I hope you like it anyway x

Warnings: miscommunication, angst, fighting, hurt/comfort, Nikolai is a bit absent, you're a bit jealous of his relationship with Zoya

Tags: @jupiterandbutterflies, @agentsofsheilds , @for-bebbanburg , @randomoutsiders , @pansysgirlfriend , @hannaxmaria , @vintagebitc , @story-scribbler , @crowssixof , @odetostep,@lizzie-he4rts, @korol-lantsov, @subjecta13-thefangirl, @gallysonegoodlung, @a-c-lee, @mriddlemethis, @carnationworld,@thanossexual, @luvxginger, @sanna2020,@partiesandblurrypolaroids, @edithsvoice, @wafflesandschemingfaces (tag list form)

SHADOW AND BONE MASTERLIST

"Do not put words into my mouth, Nikolai."

"Please, you already have so many, my love," he scoffed and the use of the term of endearment hurt the most.

"You're making me sound like a brat while I'm providing you with a viable solution," you insisted with a flare of your hands, frustrated by his unwillingness to listen to you.

"No, you're not. What you're doing is being childish."

"I'm your queen, Nikolai. I'm only asking to be more involved."

"You're my wife, y/n, and you know nothing about politics or running a country." He retired, putting emphasis on wife. This felt a lot like being put into place. And the fact that it was your husband doing so, hurt. It was also the most you had seen him this week.

"Neither did Zoya, nor Genya or anyone who's currently running the country."

"That's different and you know it."

"Only because you're making it so," you exclaimed finally exploding. His despondency got on your nerves and this conversation was going nowhere anyway.

Surprised by your raise of voice, Nikolai stood before you just blinking at you.

Sighing, you took a step toward him, holding your hands up, "look, you're right, I don't know about running a country but teach me. I'm not stupid, I'll pick it up."

"Why are you insisting so much? You've never shown any interest in politics before." He gave you a puzzled look like he didn't really believe your intentions.

"I've never wanted to be queen before." before meeting you.

"Ah, I see," he chuckled mirthlessly, "I put you in this situation and now you're taking your revenge."

To insinuate that your marriage with him was you "being put into a situation" rather than a consensual decision you had made out of love was absurd.

Nikolai was right. You had never cared about politics or diplomacy before meeting him. You were a soldier. There was no reason for you to meddle with something that didn't concern you.

But now you were queen and you felt a responsibility towards your people. You wanted to help but so far, Nikolai hadn't allowed you to take part in any meetings. He said that anyone who needed to be there was already involved. What he didn't tell you was that while Grisha made excellent soldiers and even good councillors, one of them being a royal was a very different matter.

He had indulged his love for you by marrying you. You were his vice and he simply couldn't accept the idea of being without you anymore. He had married you, consequently making you queen, going against what his advisors told him.

While he ignored his warnings he was painfully aware, however, how difficult it was going to be for a Grisha on the throne. It was the first time something liked this had ever happened and unfortunately, the country was filled with people who resented Grisha for their powers.

Nikolai feared that the people were never going to accept you. Hence why he'd been keeping you secluded in the palace.

To be fair, you were doing a wonderful job. Like he had pointed out, you were not accustomed to politics but you made up for that with empathy and kindness. You started to interest yourself with the problem of poverty and lack of provisions for some parts of the country.

And while no one was aware of it, Nikolai often turned to you for military strategy. You were an apt soldier and had fought bravely alongside him and everyone else in the battle of the Fold. You were the very reason why he was still alive, to be honest.

While this arrangement worked for the first months of your reign, it was starting to feel an inadequate effort. You needed to do more, you wanted to do more. You didn't expect Nikolai to oppose it so vehemently.

"If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be, Nikolai, you'd do well to remember it," you pointed out coldly, straightening your spine.

"Since you seem so adverse at spending time with me or including me in important matters, I'll find someone else who will." And with that, chin held high, you walked out of the room.

You missed him. It felt absurd to say this but you missed your husband. He was always busy with meetings or official visits to some noble across the country. For most of them, he went alone or with Zoya.

You knew that she was his first in command but you couldn't help but be bothered by it. It was one thing to accept the fact that he hadn't given the role to you "because the queen cannot have that role as well", it was a whole other thing to accept the fact that another woman spent more time with your husband than you did.

Countless were the fights you had with him in this regard. But they were pointless. Nikolai was still set on not bringing you and he and Zoya were always found together.

You didn't know what hurt more. The blow at your pride for being denied a position you deserved because of who you loved, the jealousy or being punished for your identity.

One thing was sure though, it was getting too much. At first, you pulled thought for Nikolai but now that you didn't have him anymore, your efforts seemed to be in vain.

So, like you had told Nikolai, you looked for someone who was willing to teach you. You wanted to help and if Nikolai wasn't going to let you here at the palace, then you'd find somewhere else.

Count Kirigin had always been nice to you and he was a very generous host. You knew that he played a central role in Nikolai's plan so you thought that there was no one better than him.

You reached out to him, wrote him a letter in which you showed interest in his activity and asked him if he was willing to show you. Of course, anything that came from the queen or the king couldn't be denied but you knew that the Count truly enjoyed your company. If your position didn't put so much higher than everybody else, you'd even consider him a friend.

You waited for his reply before putting in motion the preparations for your departure.

In the meantime, you and Nikolai kept conducting your separate lives. Usually, you'd only see him at night when he returned to your chambers if you were still up. Now, you had decided to sleep in separate rooms too.

If he wanted a wife, then a wife he'd get. But kings and queens do not sleep together.

If the new arrangement was bothering him, you didn't know. He hadn't reached out to you nor made any move to rectify your decision.

Turns out that he wasn't even at the Palace. He had left for a mission near the border with Shu Han and wouldn't be back for at least a week. Well, then. Of course, he didn't even bother with telling you. Not even a small note.

Jokes on him though, you thought, since when he was going to come back, he'd finally get what he wanted. You weren't going to be there to bother him anymore.

Differently from him though, you did indeed left him a note. Nikolai found it a week after you had set it on his pillow. Its presence made him furrow his eyebrows since he had already been wondering where you were. You usually came out to meet him at the gates whenever he'd come back from a mission and even though you had fought before he went away, you weren't one for holding grudges. So e guessed there was something holding you.

Unfolding the paper he was met with your familiar chaotic writing.

"I don't know when you're going to find this letter but if I'm not there yet it means that I'm still at Count Kirigin's. Do not bother with writing or visiting, I'll come back when my business with him is done.

Y/n"

What in the name of every sweet loving saint???

The letter wasn't dated, no dear, no yours no nothing. Fuck. You were still mad or worse, hurt.

Asking one of the servants, he learned that you had been away for a week already. But what business could you possibly have with the Count??

Nikolai had nothing against him. Seeing Kirigin get all flustered as he tried to flirt with Zoya amused him to no end but the idea of him and you in the same house? Alone?? Unacceptable.

Not even bothering to change clothes after his long journey, Nikolai headed to the stables to ask for a well-rested horse. Luckily, Count Kirigin's estate was not too far away. A couple of hours ride.

Turns out that the Count had a lot to teach. Despite his aloof reputation and extravagant clothes, he was very observant. He lacked ambition, which was why Nikolai trusted him and had a curious way of behaving in social situations.

But Emil had been born and raised in high society. He knew how things were run even if he had no desire to be in charge of them.

So far, you'd be having a wonderful time. Emil was a wonderful host, as you remembered, but without Nikolai's presence, he was even more extravagant. He had an unexpectedly dry sense of humour and a never-ending list of jokes.

Being in the open and in the company of someone who saw y/n instead of the Queen of Ravka proved to be even more needed than you thought. You felt reinvigorated and much lighter than you'd ever been.

You had also been learning a lot. Emil had been teaching you about diplomacy. About the best ways of formulating a sentence so that you wouldn't offend anyone but still get what you wanted. He had also been talking to you about your husband's ministers. About their weaknesses and vices and what was the best way to approach them to get what you wanted.

So far, it was proving to be a wonderful decision to come here.

Whenever your mind strayed on Nikolai, you willed it to focus on something else. You didn't know if he had already come home or seen the letter. A part of you thought that if he had, he would at least write one back. But the thought felt a lot like hope and seeing as how little he saw you even before you left, you didn't think it safe to harbour it.

When Nikolai reached the estate, he was met with Kirigin's servants. They welcomed him inside and profusely apologised for the Count's absence. They told him that at this time of the day, Kirigin and his guest would usually go out on a ride but that they were also about to return.

So Nikolai waited, sitting in the most comfortable chair the Count owned, fuming at the thought that his wife had felt the need to go away and be in the company of another man.

"If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be Nikolai. You'd do well to remember it."

Your words haunted him. They were the last thing that you told him. How stupid had he been to let you walk away. How utterly careless of him to disregard you like that.

He had promised himself to truly talk to you about it once this pressing matter of state was taken care of. Apparently, he had waited too long.

But Nikolai knew that the problem was at the source. He noticed how hurt you had been when he made Zoya his first in command. Or how sad you seemed everywhere he went somewhere with her and didn't ask you to join.

He was doing so to protect you from the inevitable slander you'd be met with. He should have known though that putting you aside was going to be even worse. You were a fighter just as much as Zoya was, if not stronger.

She hid behind her veil of indifference and superiority while you had never lost that emphatic verve that made everyone love you so much. In his attempt to make you safe, he had only managed to hurt you.

You were a warrior. You had accepted the role of queen only because it was the only way for you to be with Nikolai. And instead of praising you by making you a warrior queen, he had decided to hide you away.

Well, no more.

If his mistakes had not ruined everything already, he was going to make everything better.

Lost in his musing, he didn't hear the sound of hooves approaching but he did indeed hear your laugh. It immediately brought him back to the present and a wave of ugly jealousy hit him.

He couldn't remember the last time he made you laugh.

"I shouldn't even laugh Emil, the joke was terrible," Nikolai hear you giggling from somewhere in the hall. So now he was Emil, huh.

"You know you can't resist my charm, your highness," Emil replied and Nikolai had to call on every bit of his self-control to not barge out of the room and punch him.

"Stop it, you know you can call me y/n."

Before Emil could reply, they had both made it to the sitting room where Nikolai was waiting for them. It looked like no one had warned them of his presence because Kirigin looked surprised then utterly mortified.

"Your majesty, I wasn't aware you were here. Please forgive me for making you wait."

"Don't fret Kirigin, it was an impromptu visit. I came to see how my lovely wife was doing." No matter how green he was feeling right now, he knew that Kirigin was loyal to him and the crown. Whatever was happening here wasn't one of his schemes.

"Of course! I'm going to send for some tea while you two get reunited." Kirigin quickly bowed before hurrying out of the room.

Nikolai met your eyes for the first time since you had arrived. If at first, you were surprised to see him, now you couldn't help but be a bit sceptical about this visit.

"What are you doing here?" you asked breaking the ice.

"You leave with only a few lines on where you're going and you expect me to just accept it?" He scoffed, his hands curling on the armrests of the chair.

"It's more than what you gave me," you quipped, crossing your arms on your chest.

Nikolai sighed while his gloved hands run through his hair. You were right and he knew it. He had been a horrible husband lately.

"I know you're mad at me, honey, but listen-"

"I'm not mad. You didn't want to give me what I wanted so I went looking for it somewhere else." Scrolling your shoulders, you interrupted him without meeting his eyes. A list of excuses was not what you wanted nor what you needed from him.

Nikolai didn't miss the innuendo. His jaw clenched, his hands closed in fists. But he willed himself to stay calm.

"You think Kirigin can give you something that I can't?" Nikolai was a master in diplomacy. Never did he get frustrated or angry or raised his voice, even with the most aggravating people. Here though, with you, he didn't have to keep a façade. He spoke through his teeth barely containing his anger.

"Well, so far, he's been giving me attention and interesting pointers that no, Nikolai, you refused to give me."

"So this is how you solve your problems? Running away in the countryside with Emil?" Nikolai sneered, his tone souring around Kirigin's name.

"Don't you do the same with your precious first in command?" Tired after your ride with Emil, you plopped down on the chair in front of Nikolai's. Completely ignoring his tone, you pointed out calmly. The perfect image of aloofness even when it was the last thing you were in this moment.

"That's different," he snapped trying to meet your eyes that were carefully analyzing your hands.

"Yes," you signed, "it seems that when I'm concerned everything is different."

"There's nothing between me and Zoya, y/n and you know it." Nikolai was getting more frustrated by the second. He came here to apologize, to make things right and so far, the conversation was going in the opposite directions.

"Maybe now, but you spend more time with her than you do with me. It's only a matter of time before it happens and you're sorely mistaken if you think I'll just stand by and watch."

"This is not about Zoya," he insisted but so far, he wasn't getting the reaction out of you he wanted. You seemed... resigned at the situation. And that worried Nikolai to no end.

"It never is."

"Why did you run away?" Opting for a more direct approach, he bit the bullet and went straight to the point.

"I did not run away," you scoffed in contempt at his choice of words, "I told you I wanted to do more and Emil is teaching me. Not everyone is so against spending time with me, you know." You shot him a glance.

It was the first time that you had looked at him since you had been left alone.

"I married you, y/n. How can you possibly believe I don't want to spend time with you?" As desperation slipped through his words, Nikolai leaned towards you in his seat. As if he couldn't bear the distance between you anymore. But you knew it wasn't that. You and he had been distant for months now.

"Because that's what's happening, Nikolai," you clipped back and Nikolai had to refrain from wincing at your tone.

"It's not intentional, my love, I've just been busy." His tone softened. It was a poor excuse of an apology but it was sadly the truth.

"But when I say that I want to join or help you with it you strongly oppose?" Again, there was that suspicious implication in your words that Nikolai just couldn't stand. To think that you believed he'd ever cheat on you with another woman when he had done so much, taken so many risks, to be with you.

"It's not what you think, y/n." He insisted again but immediately realized he had said the wrong thing when he saw you leaning back into your chair shaking your head.

"I don't think anything, anymore. Do whatever you want. You do your thing and I'll do mine. I won't be a bother to you anymore." Holding up your hands, you gestured as you spoke.

A beat. Nikolai froze in his seat at what you were suggesting.

"You're never a bother to me. Never." He leaned even forwards in his chair, basically only propping on it now. The desperation was now clear in his voice. He reached out to you to try and take hold of your hands but you were too distant.

"I love you more than anything in this world and if you think that I'm going to let you go without a fight, you're sorely mistaken." The steel determination of his words caught you off guard. Nikolai was strong-headed, you knew that better than anyone else, but it had been a long while since that determination had been directed to you.

"You already did." It was barely a whisper. The sad truth about your reality, the downfall of your relationship. The wavering of your voice, the pain in your eyes were enough to tip Nikolai off the edge.

"Milaya, please."He fell onto his knees in front of you. Leaning forward he reached for your hands that he could now hold. "I'm sorry. I put you in a difficult position when I married you and I tried my best to protect you."

"I don't need protecting, Nikolai, especially if it's by pushing me away."

"I was keeping you away from danger and I know that you're strong and capable but I hate to think of you as the object of public slander." His eyes darted between yours, frantic, desperate to make you understand.

"I'm Grisha, Nikolai. It's nothing new to me," you pointed out but then it hit you.

"By difficult position, you meant a Grisha Queen, didn't you?" Your eyes hardened at the implications, your hands going slack in his hold. You would have pulled them away if Nikolai didn't tighten his hold.

"Please, do not think I'm regretting my choice or I think you're not worthy of the title because that's not true." Pulling your hands, he tried to get you closer to him. "I fear that there will be repercussions among the people." And there it was, at last, the truth.

"And among your ministers," you added remembering Emil's lessons on the people at court and their role.

You scoffed when he stayed silent. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought I was doing the right thing, my love."

"So Zoya can handle it and I can't?"

"For the millionth time," he groaned, "I don't care about Zoya."

"I only care about you and I know you can handle it. I just didn't want you to. You deserve happiness and peaceful life and I know it's impossible to have in this saints' forsaken country but I can at least try." His eyes lowered in shame and his confession sent a pang through your heart. You took a moment to take in what he said.

Never had you thought about the possibility of Nikolai's distance was a form of protection. You were a soldier of the Second Army, after all. But being a queen, especially a Grisha one, was a delicate thing.

It was the first time in history that something like this happened. Nikolai's worries were not unfounded since even after the destruction of the Fold, anti-Grisha movements were spreading fast.

It was sad to see the General's attempt of assuring safety for Grisha, provoking exactly the opposite thing.

"Oh, Kolya," returning his grip, you leaned towards him, "I just want a life with you by my side."

"As do I. I want you always and forever but above all, I want you safe. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, you know it right?"

"I just ask that you tell me the truth and let me play the role I've been given."

"It's not going to be easy. People at court-"

"I know. That's why I'm here. Emil's been teaching."

"Well, no more. I'm going to take care of it from now on."

"Is this a promise or a threat?"

"Rest assured my love, the difference between the two is almost nonexistent." He flashed you a smirk and you couldn't help but smile at him. Here it was, your beloved Nikolai.

"Things are going to change, aren't they?" you murmured softly as he gently rested his forehead against yours.

"We're going to show everyone what a "power couple" is." Here was his promise. Sealed with the gentlest nudging of his nose to yours. The action made you smile and your heart soar. You missed these little moments of intimacy with him.

One of his hands came to cradle your face as the other kept hold of your left hand. Your rings softly clicked as they touched. A form of reassurance.

"I love you, y/n."

"And I you, Kolya."

You were completely lost in your little bubble, even more so when Nikolai's lips finally met yours, that you had forgotten where you were. And that there was an embarrassed Kirigin outside the door waiting for the right moment to come in with tea.

#nikolai lanstov #nikolai lanstov x reader #nikolai lanstov x you #nikolai lanstov angst #nikolai lanstov fic #nikolai lanstov imagine #nikolai lanstov imagines #nikolai lanstov one shot #nikolai lanstov fluff #grishaverse #shadow and bone

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serpenteve · 3 years

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why we ship darklina

an essay literally no one asked for

Nobody needs a "reason" to ship Darklina. But considering this is a villain x hero pairing, it got me thinking about why we shipped it in the first place when the narrative and author so badly wanted us to root for the more sensible alternative pairing and why it became the most popular ship of the entire trilogy.

Personally, I find it really interesting (and low-key hilarious) that a lot of the reasons shippers gravitated towards Darklina can be directly traced back to how badly Bardugo bungled Alina's character arc, Mal's entire characterization and narrative role, Nikolai's wasted potential as an alternative love interest, and the noble intentions she gives the the Darkling.

Alina's Character Arc

Alina's character arc doesn't match who she is as a character. I've written more about that in this post, but a lot of readers were introduced to a passive and insecure protagonist who we were expecting to undergo a typical YA coming-of-age character arc where Alina acquires self-acceptance, confidence, and embraces the full breadth of her powers over the course of the trilogy. Instead, Bardugo gave Alina the kind of character arc that's usually deserved for power-hungry anti-heroines or tragic heroes with a fatal flaw to punish.

The plot offers a strange binary: either Alina suppresses and hides her powers and therefore stays away from descending into villainy OR Alina attempts to find Morozova's amplifiers in order to defeat the Darkling but then becomes corrupted by power in the process. Alina's journey to self-acceptance and exploring her own powers are unfortunately entangled with her relationship with the Darkling. The only way she is allowed to move forward through the plot is to succumb to the corrupting influence of the amplifiers.

For better or for worse, the first character to really embrace her powers instead of thinking she's a fraud or that she's weak or that she's an unholy abomination is the Darkling. He's the first person to recognize her power for what it is and accurately judge its potential and implications for the rest of the world. He advocates for her in front of the royal court, in front other Grisha who think she's weak, and even against Baghra who is initially a very ill-tempered mentor with little to no faith in Alina's abilities. He even rather ironically advocates for her even when the heroic person who's supposed to be supporting her (Mal) does not.

At the start of her journey, Alina is insecure and in constant need of assurance and validation. The Darkling's role as her mentor and guide into this unfamiliar world of Grisha makes him the perfect advocate not only for her powers but also to help Alina see her place in the world. However, once he is revealed to be the villain, Alina also fails to realize that it's time for her to advocate for herself and throws the baby out with the bathwater.

Mal's Characterization & Narrative Role

When Alina loses the Darkling as an advocate in S&B, Mal steps up to take this role. Alina is still rather passive for the majority of the first book and it's Mal who originally wants her to have Morozova's stag as an amplifier if it will mean being able to stand against the Darkling. Bardugo intended for him to be a heroic love interest as a foil to the villainous love interest and I believe she mostly succeeds for the first book.

However, because this is a story about punishing Alina's "evil ambition" (despite there being very little evidence of that) Mal is supposed to serve as a voice of reason in the narrative. Once Alina considers the necessity of acquiring more amplifiers to defeat the Darkling, it is Mal's role to warn her of the potential consequences, to remind her of her inner humanity, and to ward against the corrupting influence of Morozova's amplifiers. Mal's declarations that he wants back the old girl he knew without any power is meant to drive an ideological wedge between them, yes, but he's also meant to be Correct™ because, again, Bardugo is writing a story about a corrupted power-hungry heroine who goes too far and needs to be punished rather than the arc we were all expecting and the one that Alina's character needs: a coming-of-age story of self-acceptance and personal growth.

Some point after the backlash of Siege & Storm, Bardugo seems to have become aware of her mistake and attempts to scrub Mal's character to be more sympathetic. There is a bizarre exchange half-way through the third book when Mal finally declares:

"I wasn't afraid of you, Alina. I was afraid of losing you. The girl you were becoming didn't need me anymore, but she's who you were always meant to be."

This is an interesting line because it's a complete reversal of Mal's narrative role so far. He's supposed to be her voice of reason that opposes her at every turn but readers interpreted him as being resentful of Alina's powers and angry that she was no longer dependent on him. Bardugo is forced to retcon Mal's entire role in the narrative from being a voice of reason that opposes Alina's quest for power to a supportive friend who will fight by her side. But this was never her initial intention and I believe this change was brought on 100% by audience reaction because she failed to understand the arc her heroine needed and the kind of story her audience was anticipating for such a character.

Needless to say, having your heroine's main love interest actively resent her quest for power until half-way through the third damn book did not endear many readers to Mal. Because Bardugo failed to understand the kind of character development her heroine needed and failed to understand audience expectations, we hated Mal. He became the embodiment of every toxic chauvinist we'd ever met who can't stand the idea of his partner's success and feels entitled to be the center of her universe. He was not the voice of reason. He was an annoying gnat hellbent on dragging the heroine down and away from her destiny. We did not want to root for him. Even the villain was more sympathetic than him because he could bring her closer to achieving the self-acceptance the narrative was obsessed with denying her.

Nikolai's Wasted Potential as a Solid Love Interest

Nikolai plays several roles in Alina's journey but most importantly in our discussions for why we ended up shipping Darklina, his entire potential as a serious love interest is wasted.

When we meet Nikolai, we have hitched our wagons to the Darklina train because despite being the villain, the Darkling is the only one who will allow the heroine to accept her powers and come into her own. Her heroic love interest, Mal, is actively sabotaging her efforts and holding her back from her true potential. But then, in swoops Nikolai and we pause, wondering if there may be a better heroic alternative after all?

In a lot of ways, Nikolai and the Darkling alike: they are eager for Alina's power and see her as a solution to all their problems. They may want to use Alina to prop up their own agendas, but unlike Mal, Alina's summoning powers are a massive plus, not a burden. Nikolai is the heroic alternative to our villainous Aleksander. So we wait, wondering if Nikolai will be the one to fix this mess of a romantic subplot. His royal connections offer an easy path to upwards mobility for our heroine and we sense that an alliance between them (even if it's initially political in nature) may bring our heroine closer to obtaining more power, influence, and self-acceptance not only for herself, but also for the oppressed minority she is a part of.

But, again, Bardugo is still obsessed with that "punish the heroine for wanting power" agenda so while Nikolai exists as another mentor figure who offers Alina advice on how to rule, how to appeal to other people, how to charm, how to win people over, and Alina learns and applies much of what she learns from him, he is not treated as a real love interest.

Despite Nikolai being written as a fairy tale prince (handsome, charming, smart as a whip, brave in battle, etc) Alina never actually considers him romantically. They are friends and allies at best and the only time she considers kissing him is only when she's pissed about Mal.

Nikolai's proposal at the end of Ruin & Rising feels like one last saving grace, one last opportunity for our heroine to take control of her life and make a dramatic change to break from the past. But this too is rejected because Alina's arc will never let her access any power. She does not reject Nikolai because she wants to marry for love. She rejects him because she has been "punished" for wanting power and has internalized that she must not seek any more power for fear of angering the plot gods (and Bardugo). She must return to being nobody in order to remain a good and moral person.

(And, of course, we resent Mal even more because who in their right mind would choose him over Nikolai? Once again, he becomes a roadblock on our heroine's journey to power. We grow irritated that the heroine is failing to grasp an opportunity to elevate herself. We throw the book against the wall. Why are we even following this heroine?)

The Darkling's Motivations

Still, all of the above might still not have been enough to pull the reader to the villain's side. But the Darkling is the living embodiment of Villain Has A Point™. He is not pure unadulterated evil. He is not Lord Sauron or Voldemort or the Terminator.

He's more Magneto, Roy Batty, or Ozymandias---a man who is part of an oppressed minority who longs for justice and power but is absolutely unhinged in his methods.

Alina runs away because she does not want to be a non-consenting weapon in hands. But we always end up wondering what would have happened had Baghra not warned her. What would have happened if Alina gladly joined the Darkling's side? There's hundreds of fanfics written precisely about this situation because despite the villainy of his methods, we wonder if Ravka might not have been safer after all?

If the Darkling had used the Fold as a weapon against Fjerda and Shu Han, would any of the problems Ravka faces in the later books even exist? Would any Grisha fall victim to the khergud programs or be killed as witches? The Darkling wipes out Novokribirsk and kills hundreds of lives, but how many would he have saved with the Fold as Ravka's greatest shield and sword? 🤷🏽‍♀️

And therein lies the problem with the trilogy inconsistent moral landscape. The Darkling is an anti-villain that exists in a narrative that is very black and white, unlike the rest of the books in the Grishaverse where our protagonists are anti-heroes who kill, steal, and torture their way through the plot with nary a judgmental glance from the narrative. We long to see our heroine give in to her dark side and get her hands dirty because watching a naive, passive, scared little girl grow into a ruthless powerful Grisha would have made for a hell of a compelling story.

But that's not the story Bardugo wanted to tell.

The Greg Trilogy

Despite taking place in a fantasy Tsartist setting, the Grisha trilogy is oddly anti-Grisha. The narrative doesn't spend much time trying to examine the context or implications of an oppressed minority group fighting for power other than to say "magic powers = evil". Nikolai skates by on a throne of inherited wealth, privilege, and imperialism but it's okay because he's charming and witty and the only monstrous part of him is the Darkling's curse. Literally everything is worse for Ravka and their Grisha after the destruction of the Fold but Ravka must move forward into a new age without relying on Grisha power but putting their efforts into new muggle technologies. Alina must be stripped of her powers and returned to her "old self" in order to be purged of evil.

Basically, it's all one gigantic ✨ dumpster fire ✨ of mismatched character arcs, incompatible moral aesops, inconsistent characterizations, wasted potential, unexamined plot points but it's a a dumpster fire we lovingly and spitefully embrace in fanfic.

We don't ship Alina with the Darkling because we're stupid abuse apologists who somehow missed the giant flashing moral aesop of the books---and honestly, who could have possibly missed them when it's shoved in the reader's face every other chapter? We ship Alina with the Darkling because the entire ship is the embodiment of wasted potential (and wasted ✨aesthetics✨ tbqh 👀). We ship Alina with the Darkling because we're sick and tired of stories where female power is demonized. We ship Alina with the Darkling because the plot gave us literally no other alternative to see our heroine succeed except to give in to her alleged villainy.

But most of all, people ship Darklina because Leigh Bardugo utterly failed in writing the story she intended to write because had she succeeded, Darklina would not be the most popular ship of the trilogy.

#darklina #sab meta #grisha meta #grisha discourse #wow im embarrassed by how fucking long this is #but you know i had to write it #anti leigh bardugo #its not really anti so much as it is just pointing out why her story flopped for a lot of readers #alarkling #viv metas

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where-theres-smoak-2 · 3 years

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Oh man I was scrambling trough tumblr tag and I saw this LB quote about Aleksander: "The Darkling is beautiful, I wanted to create a leader who was charismatic, appealing, a dictator you could imagine yourself following, an antagonist you couldn't just dismiss. [...] The Darkling is beautiful and broken and had a rough childhood, but he's also a brutal, manipulative monster with no regard for human life. He's dangerous because he's seductive, because he evokes sympathy.

…I just don’t even know when to start with this? Can she come off as anymore ignorant and offensive by trying to sound so woke. I mean “beautiful and broken”?! Are you kidding me?!

(Book Spoilers. Trigger Warning: Trauma and Mental Health)

Hmm well I'm not sure you could really sum it up as a 'rough childhood' more like a rough life filled with alot of trauma that has left him isolated and struggling to form human connections. Also I'm not sure I like the term monster for someone who is made the way they are through trauma and also the line about him having no regard for human life is just false he has lines he wont cross which is why he didn't harm the grisha children in book 3 and he was never going to because he values their lives. To be honest though I had some issues with the way LB dealt with trauma and mental health in the books. Not just with Aleks either but with Sergei too, actually I found the way she treated Sergei and his mental health in the last book rather appalling. Sergei is established as being severely traumatised by losing Marie to the point where he struggles to function properly. I think out of all the characters in the trilogy he's depicted as having the worst trauma, all the other characters have bad dreams and what not but Sergei really does find it debilitating and he struggles with day to day tasks like eating, sleeping and even just walking/travelling takes its toll on him. But Alina's attitude towards Sergei at times was troubling. To be clear though I'm not blaming the character for this as it was just the way she was written but she seems to consider Sergei weak and his mental health a hindrance. Here are some extracts from R&R the first is right after Sergei accidently revealed Genya's real name to Nikolai:

I shot to my feet. “What happened?”

“Sergei let her real name slip. He seems to be taking to heights about as well as he took to caves.” I released a growl of frustration. Genya had played a key role in the Darkling’s plot to depose the King. I’d tried to be patient with Sergei, but now he’d put her in danger and jeopardised our position with Nikolai.

Sergei was nowhere to be found. Probably a good thing, since I didn’t have time to give him the pummelling he deserved.

And like I understand that this must have been a frustrating situation but Alina knows that Sergei is struggling with his trauma and that he didn't mean to cause anyone any harm. I can understand her frustration but I really don't like the line about the 'pummelling he deserves'. I just don't like the suggestion that a person who is clearly suffering from a mental health issue deserves to be punished for making a mistake because of his trauma. Here's another instance where Alina is annoyed at Sergei:

Sergei had slowed us during our fight with the militia. He was unstable. I could apologise, offer useless words, but I didn’t know how to help him, and it didn’t change the fact that we were at war. Sergei had become a liability.

Again I get the frustration but again I have issues with the suggestion that because they are at war Sergei should just pull it together. Or even this image that's being painted that people who have mental health issues are just a burden on those around them. People in real life who suffer with similar mental health issues like depression and anxiety often worry about feeling like a burden to their loved ones so this could be really triggering for them. Then there is this from Baghra:

“We came to find you. What’s the matter with that boy?”

“He’s had a hard time of it,” I said, leading them away from the tank room.

“Who hasn’t?”

“He saw the girl he loved gutted by your son and held her while she died.”

“Suffering is cheap as clay and twice as common. What matters is what each man makes of it."

This one really troubled me because its like LB is saying that you can control your own trauma or decide how the trauma is going to effect you. It's again this suggestion that Sergei is weak because he struggled with his trauma more than others did. But the part that actually kind of disgusted me when I read it and I actually had to stop reading the book for a bit because of how much it upset me is how the characters talk about Sergei after his death. Alina had sent Sergei away because she felt he had become a liability and he then went back to the darkling and told them all the information he had on Alina and co. This move was obviously one born of his trauma and was made out of desperation. On several occasions Sergei has said he is struggling with feeling safe and no matter how hard he tries he never feels safe. Alina even tells us that Sergei had gone back to the darkling looking for reassurance and safety which really makes sense, this man grew up at the LP the one place where grisha could be safe, he grew up under the protection of the darkling. Then he chose to stand with Alina and went through the trauma and grief of losing the woman he loved horrifically in an attack against the LP which was his original safe place. He then never feels safe again so it would make sense for him to go back to what previously had made him feel safe, the LP and the Darkling. But this is what the other characters say about Sergei after he is killed by the darkling:

I sat beside him, unsure what to say. I remembered sitting like this with Sergei in the tank room, searching for words of comfort and failing. Had he been scheming then, manipulating me? His fear had certainly seemed real.

Abruptly, Zoya said, “I should have known Sergei couldn’t be trusted. He was always a weakling.”

Though that seemed unfair, I let it pass.

“Oncat never liked him,” Harshaw added.

Genya fed a branch to the fire. “Do you think he was planning it all along?”

“I’ve been wondering that,” I admitted. “I thought he’d be better once we got out of the White Cathedral and the tunnels, but he almost seemed worse, more anxious.”

Abruptly, Adrik snarled, “I’m glad Sergei’s dead. I’m just sorry I didn’t get to wring his neck myself.”

Steel is earned. Adrik had that steel, and so did Nadia. She’d proven it again in our flight from the Elbjen. A part of me had wondered what Tamar saw in her. But Nadia had been in some of the worst fighting at the Little Palace. She’d lost her best friend and the life she’d always known. Yet she hadn’t fallen apart like Sergei or chosen life underground like Maxim. Through all of it, she’d stayed steady.

And yes again I understand why they feel betrayed but they knew that Sergei was struggling and instead of understanding that Alina is accusing him of manipulating her and Zoya is saying he couldn't be trusted and that he was a weakling. To be honest it kind of reminds me of the way people talk about the darkling. Instead of recognising their trauma and trying to understand they jump straight to well they were a bad, untrustworthy person who was manipulating me.

Then there is the last part where Alina is thinking about how Adrik and Nadia are strong because although they faced trauma they were able to keep going and keep fighting but not Sergei, Sergei was crippled by his grief and his trauma and this means he was weak. Maybe its because I have struggled with crippling mental health issues myself where I couldn't even get out of bed let alone do anything else but I just found this implication that Sergei was weak really offensive to those who do struggle that way. People deal with trauma in different ways and whilst some people can fight through it and will just have a keep calm and carry on attitude others can't, others just fall apart, but that doesn't make them weak. I also don't think this 'just carry on and push through it' attitude towards mental health issues is necessarily a healthy message. If you need help then you should ask for it and be able to have access to it. LB could have used this as an opportunity to show a character who is severely traumatised getting support and help to work through his trauma and heal. But I feel like nobody really helped Sergei and any comfort or support he got seemed to be grudgingly given and there was more of an attitude of I'll try to help you because your issues are a hindrance to me than because any of the characters actually cared about him and wanted to help him.

Sergei and the Darkling were both characters that were 'beautiful and broken' but neither one of them was given the support or help they needed. Instead they were painted as either weak or as a monster. So what kind of message does this send to readers who also struggle with trauma and mental health conditions?

#the darkling #aleksander morozova #anti leigh bardugo #answered #tw mental illness #tw trauma

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angst-fairygodmother · 3 years

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Girl Talk (The Song of Sway Lake Fic)

A/N: The moment has finally arrived! The first official collab/crossover between myself and @miss-kittys-magical-library! I’m really excited for how this came out, and how much fun we had writing it together. 😊 Word Count: 3127 Rating: T - mild language, brief mention of blood, discussion of violence

~The Papermill bookstore, Sway Lake~

Selina burst through the door of the bookstore. She almost doesn't wait for Jess to say hello or ask questions. Selina is overcome with adrenaline, the exhilaration of what she did. A giant smile spread across her lips. There's almost a dreamy look in her eyes.

She's covered in blood: her hands, her jeans, the bottom of her shirt. Selina held her hands like a surgeon so she didn't touch anything.

Jess’s mouth hung open while she pointed nervously towards the upstairs. Her friend knew where to find what she needed.

Selina comes out of the hot shower knowing Jess will be in the room waiting. She found clean clothes but stopped to study herself in the mirror. Somehow she felt like her body had changed somehow.

Selina caught a picture of her and Jess and held it up. How far they've come from the girls in the photo on her best friend’s dresser.

She glimpsed Jess in the mirror, a strange smirk on her face. Selina knew something was up. She handed the picture to her friend and spoke,

“Can you believe this was us?”

------

There had been a time in life where Selina and Jess had told each other everything, no matter what. And yet somehow this summer, one of the most eventful in recent history, Jess hadn’t told her best friend anything. Anyone who had spent any time on the lake knew about tensions between the Sways and...basically everyone, but especially Selina’s mother and her relatives. And more than that, it had been kind of nice to have a good secret all to herself for a little while. But she missed her friend, and would have loved her advice on what to do about the boy who was quickly becoming someone important, and a problem for her heart.

She was just thinking about the other girl, wondering if she should call her after work, maybe suggest a bonfire or late night rowboat race like they used to have, when Selina burst through the door. Jess’s eyes fell to the blood first, and then rose quickly to Selina’s face and the expression that didn’t match the apparent situation at all.

A thousand questions raced through her mind as she pointed her best friend toward her bathroom (not that Selina didn’t know where it was by now) and made quick work of closing the shop. She didn’t seem hurt, so everything else could wait. While Selina washed herself clean, Jess dug for any clothes left behind the last time she had come for a visit, and failing that, any old shorts and t-shirt. She left them on top of the dresser and poked her head into the bathroom to gather the discarded bloody garments and throw them into the wash.

Selina was standing in the bedroom, studying herself in the mirror when Jess returned, and for a moment she wondered, again, if her friend was injured.

“Can you believe this was us, what?”

Selina laughed, “These girls. We’re just girls here trying to be grown women. I sort of treated you like I did Sunny.”

She waited for Jess to maybe bristle or tense up at his name. “I marched on to the beach, saw the first girl my age who had SOMETHING in common with me, and declared you mine. We aren't little girls anymore.”

There was a bittersweetness in her voice. Selina didn't even care that she was naked.

Jess laughed. She remembered that day, meeting Selina after escaping her siblings in search of a moment of peace and quiet, far from what actually found her instead. But they had got on so quickly she'd forgotten to be angry about it.

"No, we really aren't," she agreed with a tinge of nostalgic sadness in her own voice.

She leaned back on her hands on the bed, watching her friend study the picture. "I never minded, you know. It was kind of nice to be claimed by somebody. You'll always be my first for that," she bit her lip, hoping the joke didn't come off as uncomfortable given the situation.

Selina finally dressed and sat beside her friend on the bed. Her knuckles caressed the other woman’s cheek before she swept the hair from her face. Without a thought, she leaned in and gently pressed her lips to Jess’s, tongue lingered a bit before she broke away.

“That's from Sunny too.” Selina laid on her side tucked under Jess’s arm. “How is it that I was here for a few weeks, and youuuu have been tramping around Sway Lake with some chick?! Have you gone FULL lesbian?” she dropped her voice low.

Jess turned onto her side, propping a head on her arm to face Selina.

"You two are so weird," she rolled her eyes. "I don't think I'll ever get used to that."

Her stomach flipped at the thought of Sunny, eyes cast to the ceiling as her thoughts wandered. She loved Ollie, but there was something raw about the idea of losing the other boy, even though he wasn't really hers anymore and hadn't been in quite some time.

She quirked a teasing eyebrow as she returned to the present moment and the woman beside her.

"If I was going to do that, do you think it would be with anyone else than you? Whoever gave you your gossip needs glasses."

Selina’s mouth dropped open, “There's a guy around here with hair that long?!”

She linked her arm through Jess’s and pulled her in for a hug. The other woman now wrapped up in her embrace. Selina let her chin rest on her friend’s head as she stroked her hair. “You feel happier. Content. Like you're just drifting along. I know you loved Sunny in your own way, but this is different. It's the,” she ran a hand up and down Jess’s body without touching it, “this. Papa would call it your aura.”

Jess grinned. "I am. I'm really, really happy," she answered dreamily. "Ollie's a really sweet guy. But only here for the summer…"

She swallowed down the lingering bitter taste her argument with Ollie the previous morning had left in her mouth, not wanting to burden the conversation with her fears. Especially not when she still had so many questions of her own.

"But don't think asking about my love life is going to get you out of explaining yourself, missy." She teased.

Selina sat up, “Oliver Sway?! Jessica! Come on. Any other Tom, Dick or asshole at this stupid lake. Sunny. Sunny’s RIGHT THERE. Just grab him by the ankle and bring him back to Earth. He needs you.”

She took a breath, “That.. harpie will tear you apart because you aren't good breeding. It's Sway Lake because that's what those upper crust cunts hold over this entire town. Sway. Lakes dont belong to one family, they should belong to EVERY person. Are Sunny and I the only ones NOT under this family’s curse? First Tom, then Nikolai and now you.”

Selina’s voice was full of disappointment more than anger. She looked at her hands. Her palms, white and clean, were just caked brownish red not even an hour ago. “It can't be the both of us.”

"Nikolai?!" Jess asked, staring for a moment before doubling over in laughter. "Oh god it all makes sense now."

She struggled to contain her laughter, gasping for air and wiping away the tears in her eyes from it.

"Fuck Charlotte Sway, I couldn't care less what she thinks," she said, sobering and then sighing. "It's not like I planned on falling in love with Ollie. But I did, and it kinda scares me. I really really don't want to lose him. And he hates her and the whole legacy bullshit as much as anyone. Let it all rot or burn or whatever."

Jess was silent for a moment. It was hard to say Selina was her only or even oldest friend. But they were best friends, for certain, and they knew everything about each other. There were even times when they were younger that Selina and Sunny had talked about soulmates and Jess had wondered if she were hers. Which is why her stomach twisted with guilt as she realized just how unsettled Selina was, and pretending not to be.

"But enough about me, it doesn't matter. Are you okay?"

Selina took Jess’s hand in hers. She laced their fingers together and laid down again. This time she and her friend were side by side. She was certain no one in any spoken language had invented a word for what the two of them were.

Selina knew it was why Leon and Johnny always ended phone calls and visits with long hugs and I love yous. Why Honey and Klaus showered each other with intimacy and affection Honey showed Leon. Friendships that made people question your sexual intentions. It was probably something in the Kostas skin, like a pheromone.

The 23 year old pushed the thought out of her mind that everyone around them was their friend because they didn't have a choice. Instead she squeezed Jess’s hand.

“You know Honey, she holds grudges with a tight grip. There's only two people she hates: Charlotte Sway and Reginald Hargreeves, and he's the one she really wants dead. Charlie is lonely and miserable. That's punishment enough for Mama. Papa always says she would make a great Mafia don. She DID like Tim Sway;

cried when he killed himself. He wasn't even Charlot-” Selina cut herself off. “Either way Ollie must take after him then. I hope he does. I think we played together when we were little?”

She realized she was avoiding the question and wanted to deflect solely on Jess. Sunny wasn't the only one who slept around up here, or had a weird effect. Selina again panicked if maybe, somehow, what was in him was in her. That the Russian on a canoe in the middle of the night would show up in the Village, screaming at her in the dead of night. Some of the guys she fucked flopped around on top of Selina for a few minutes, got off while she stared at the ceiling. Then they laid claim to her like any White guy who thought he owned someone else’s land.

“And don't laugh like that either! I was doing my duty as a future nurse and helping someone who got hurt.”

She watched Jess cross her arms, even on her back. She was giving Selina THAT stare. Selina threw her hands up. “Ohhh,” she whined, ”I was swimming, floating really. Probably out further than I should be in the middle of the night, but that fucking moon. And there he was on his way to get rid of those horrendous jet skis of Jimmy’s. And he was flirtatious and made me groan, but also laugh?”

Selina had pulled her knees up to her chest so she could hug them. A far off look on her face. “And he's very.. I didn't really pay attention to what he looked like. WHO, right? It was just this fire that went through me. Like I knew him?

“Mama always talks about the day I was born and speaking into existence this notion. That every version of her will be loved by and love Papa. She thought it was blood loss creating insanity, but Sunny and I had designs on a love like theirs.”

“And the way Nikolai made me feel, and the way he knew my body? We didn't even fuck; not like that. I haven't cum that hard or much ever. Even by myself.”

“Then he got hurt, and I made Sunny take me to him. Ollie had saved him, right? As we're stitching him back together, I see his face. That face I grew up with three times over. He's fashioned for me, Jess. Maybe like Ollie is for you. But Nikolai is Leon and Nicklaus and Klaus and he's made to be mine.”

"No, no I'm not laughing at that, or you," Jess promised. "Just...the first decent conversation Nikolai and I had, he mentioned meeting someone. Matching his description to you is what's funny. And the fact that you two are such opposites." Jess paused, smiling in fondness for both parties in question. "But it's safe to say he likes you, a lot."

She felt silly now, not putting it together sooner. After all, there was no one else in the world she could think more aptly described as a siren made of the moon. And as funny as it was on paper, something about Selina and Nikolai made sense.

And, it made her heart beat giddily. Her faith in fate was complicated, but when it came to the Kostases, the concept was shockingly simple. And it seemed impossible that this was just coincidence, the four of them tied together like this.

'Or maybe,' she silently scolded, 'it's wishful thinking so you can tell yourself you're not being completely crazy.'

The rest of what Selina said registered belatedly and she blanched. "Wait. That was a lot of blood. Are you saying that it was all Nikolai's?"

“It was,” Selina replied softly.

"Jesus. What did he do, get in a knife fight?" Her voice was a mixture of concern and annoyance.

She could see Nikolai doing something like that, to defend his own pride which he deflected onto Ollie, or for some other stubborn, idiotic thing. And now that there were two people she loved who would get hurt if something happened to him, she made a note to have a little chat with him about being so reckless. And to find Ollie later to check on both boys.

"I know if he had you helping take care of him, I don't have to ask if he'll be alright." She nudged Selina teasingly with a shoulder, hoping to break up some of the heavy, contemplative air settling over them both.

“Knives don't cause QUITE as much damage as you think. Unless you hit a vein. Diego showed me how to do it effectively once. Plus if he's like the others, Nikolai probably prefers fists to weapons. Or the spider monkey sleeper-hold thing Klaus and Sunny do. Although Papa stabbed Uncle Jonny once, it was just an artificial wound.”

Selina suddenly scooped Jess up in her arms so they could go back to a cuddle. She tangled her legs and arms around Jess to sort of dominate her personal space. Her forehead pressed into her friend’s neck.

“He and Jimmy got into it, and they were on the boat dock. Nik slipped and hit his head. Ollie swam for like, the first time ever to get him up into a boat. Had pressure on it. I just stitched him with fishing wire. They'll do better at the ER.”

Selina sighed, “If he's like them he wouldn't die anyways. Klaus died like twice in a few days, also head injuries? Either way, Nikolai would’ve been fine without me.”

Then almost like an afterthought, “Did you say he talked to you about me? Probably something about conquests and the Russian army. But you! YOU FELL IN LOVE this summer! I got my pussy licked and think he's this mythical soulmate. You're in actual, real love.”

Selina propped up on her elbow, “Have you slept together? No I'm sorry, YOU get to call it MAKING LOVE!!” she burst into a fit of giggles around cheeks fired by jealousy. “I am happy for you. I promise. I'm glad Sunny.. I'm just happy.”

"No, actually," Jess said, shifting around Selina so they tucked together more cleanly, like two matched puzzle pieces. This kind of closeness wasn't Jess's favorite thing, but Selina knew that, and Jess trusted that if she didn't need it, she wouldn't be initiating it. "It was surprisingly non-militant. And only one nautical reference."

Jess hesitated, remembering some of the incidents Selina had to deal with and one or two more from the summers that Sunny, or Jess herself, had headed off before they got far enough to be a concern (or for Selina to even know). She wanted her friend to know just what Nikolai had said, and that he very much did not just see her as just some conquest. But the line between sweet and creepy was a hazy one at best. She brought one hand away from the tangle to fret the corner of her thumb between her teeth while she thought it over.

"I'm not saying I'm jealous...but I thought it was romantic. And dramatic of course, look who we're talking about. But dramatic isn't always bad. I wish you'd stop dismissing yourself like that. Soulmate or no, you have some sort of feelings for him which seem serious; one might call it a crush at least. And he made you feel good. He made you happy. You're allowed that. You deserve it. And now, for the moment if not more, you have it, savor it."

"As for Ollie and me..."

She froze, frowning as she struggled to figure out just what to say. There was a part of her that feared a reputation of some kind (even though it was just Ollie that she'd been a first time for, and Sunny, but he didn't count). And another part that wanted to keep it to herself, even though most of her wanted to share. She bit again at her thumb, searching for words.

"It's not that big of a deal?"

Selina bit her lip before a yawn escaped her. “One: a crush is a crush because you can get hurt. Otherwise, it would be called a cushion. I think that's what Papa said once. Or was it Klaus?”

Selina closed her eyes now. “Either way, it's a very big deal! I can feel the difference in you. I want you to be in love. To maybe leave Sway Lake. Come back to the city with me? Close up this place for a few months. You can live with me. Or Oliver for a little while. Oh lovely little Oliver making my sweet Jessica come ‘round again. All your sadness and little pieces everywhere. I couldn't stitch you back together with fishing wire, could I? I shouldn't have let Sunny break your heart. I just didn't want being around me to remind you of him. I'm sorry. But Ollie.. he’ll.. Sorry, I think I'm a bit delirious from adrenaline? Mind if I nap a bit?”

But Selina was fast asleep before Jess could give permission.

Jess shook her head with a smile, carefully extricating herself and tucking her friend into the bed. Selina had given her a lot to think about.

#hopefully this formatting worked #it was not at first #author collaboration #Jess O'Neill and Selina Kostas #Moonbrella Lake Crossover #The Song of Sway Lake fic

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plusultrcs · 3 years

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Okay so now that i’m done crying about shadow and bone to my friends i want to make a controversial statement. Don’t bite my head off for my opinion bc 1. idc i said what i said and 2. it aint that serious these are fictional characters moving on though. I don’t think the show is bad AT ALL i really enjoyed it and seeing the inclusion of leigh and her books was so fucking cute but i will say i think combining both series into one did a huge disservice to the character development of most, if not ever, character. and i’ll explain why so (obviously) sab spoilers ahead. this also obnoxiously long so if you dont read it thats fine <3 lmao

I know going into it everyone, including leigh pretty much, was saying not to expect it to be like the books. That it was going stray away and be more like a fanfiction than the original works. Which was true, but only for the six of crows characters. The show leaned heavily and relied heavily on the plot of shadow and bone. Which, of course, makes sense but because of the inclusion of a heavy heavy re-worked six of crows plot that didnt fit the plot of shadow and bone at all it left them feeling incredibly displaced. Like on shadow and bones part every single major and sometimes even the minor plot points were followed to the number, but on the six of crows front the only thing closely followed was the nina and matthias backstory. I wont talk about every single character because i anticipate this to already be long, but the ones i noticed the most were done a disservice.

For instance Alina. Despite shadow and bone being followed so closely you dont really get to see the natural progression of alina’s character the way i was hoping we would. And that’s definitely because of the time restraints. They had to find a way to somehow balance the screen time for both separate plots so that they could hold the audiences attention for both. Like when nina and matthias plot wasnt on the screen for i think 2 episodes i almost forgot about them and what they were up to so i understand why they timing had to be so split, especially when you only have 8 hours to cover the characters of 2 over 300 page long books yknow? But that means important moments alina had to herself in the books were completely cut, and so a lot of that growth we got went with it. The the biggest thing i was disappointed to see go was the defeat she felt when she was first captured and collared by the darkling. She was feeling absolutely helpless, mal was in their hold, she had no power to do anything but sit there and let him use her. All the training she did felt pointless to her and she really was at the point of giving up. She went quiet, wouldnt speak,was basically a zombie until that moment in the fold when she saw innocent people suffering when she knew she could stop. And she found a way to break free. There were other moments like this in the book, like moments at the little palace where shelt herself getting further and further from mal and feeling like an outside on her own all over again. They tried to show it in the show but without the time to develop her life on her own at the little palace it definitely fell short.

Speaking of mal: THANK YOU WRITERS FOR FIXING HIS WHINY ASS. And while he was annoyingly whiny in the books, he is not a boring character. Not to me at least, honestly he never was. While i do appreciate them not making him so whiny, I would have appreciated seeing that same dissonance realizing alina was grisha brought about in the books. Its just like alina said, grisha were people they scoffed at and talked about in a joking way. Their lives felt miles and miles away from their own, and then to learn that she had been one the entire time. I know i know, it has nothing to do with, and alina didnt know either. BUT THAT IS STILL HIS BEST FRIEND. And obviously girl he’s in love with even if he wasnt aware of it at the time. it made him question everything he thought about grisha, and more importantly brought both of their biggest fears to light: being torn apart. In the book he doesnt deal with this well at ALL and while leigh bardugo does a great job throughout the series showing him growing to me he never got where he should have been, and the show did place him there but i think they do so prematurely. I definitely wanted him to be as understanding as he was, to take notice of how much healthier and stronger she looks since she’s not withholding her power anymore, but i did still want the tension of him wondering what it means for them, how their lives would change, because just based on laws alone she is a grisha and would typically never be someone he would have the chance to befriend but neither of them would be okay with that.

AND ON THE TOPIC OF MALINA. THEY ARE NOT A BORING SHIP. I think the only person other who would work for alina is nikolai (dont fight me on this im right), and that is who i wanted her to end up with. However, I understand why Mal was the choice. Alina has always been someone who just wanted to belong, to fit in somewhere, AND THAT IS OKAY. IT’S NOT A CRIME TO WANT TO BE ORDINARY. I know shes the main character, and has the prophecy of being the ~chosen one~ but that doesnt mean she suddenly has to alter change and rearrange herself entirely. she never wanted to be a saint, and even by the end of the series she still doesnt. Choosing to let the world believed she died so she could live a quiet life. tHAT’S ALL SHE’S EVER WANTED. And Mal is the perfect person to give her that. People who claim she gave up her life for mal, to me, didn’t understand her character. She bounced around from needing mal by her side, and when she couldnt have him there she still sought acceptance in the only other person willing to give it to her, i.e. the darkling. and then when she couldnt have it from him she’s forced to find it in herself and while she learns she doesnt need him or mal she doesnt need anyone, she still chooses mal bc she wants to be with him. she doesnt feel obligated and even later on in the books makes plenty stands on her own without him but she loves him and they honestly make perfect sense. a softer ship doesnt make it a boring one js.

NOW THE SIX OF CROWS GANG. I hate to say it, i do but they felt reduced to a form comedic relief. they had their serious moments ofc but for the most part whenever they popped up on the screen i knew a joke or gag was soon to follow. i will say kit as jesper? best decision that could have possibly been made he fucking did what he had to DO. Kaz’s development for me felt really really rushed and forced. Like he was saying things to inej he wouldnt have said so quickly and especially not while he wasnt under stress??? it honestly felt like fan service??? which im not mad at because again i dont think the show was bad at all the actors brought really great life to the crows, but it just makes me sad to see all that development and build up go out the window. i think if they were that set on combining the crows story with the shadow and bone story it would have been so much nicer to get a sort of prequel on the crows. like they should have given them the same treatment they gave nina and matthias. so that we could see their backstories as explained in the book happening in real time like how they all came to ketterdam. i know theres no point in wishing that now since whats done is done and again I DONT THINK ITS BAD. Im just sad about all the character development and strong subtle points lost because leigh bardugo always does such a great job in dropping subtle hints and always bringing them back in the end, and that was sadly lost. STILL A GOOD SHOW STILL LOVE THE BABIES. STILL PRAYING FOR A SEASON TWO.

EDIT: IT ALSO MADE ME SAD TO SEE THEM LOSE SO MANY TIMES??? ESPECIALLY AFTER SOC WHERE THEY ALWAYS MANAGED TO WIN?? Like ofc it made perfect sense for them to be unable to capture the damn sun summoner !!! but kaz and all of the crows are meant to be the best of the best when it comes to criminals top tier and they were bested by a ball of light and a jog???? and them going home basically empty handed was kinda :// like i got it but also where did alina get that necklace lmao so yeah once again still great still love it questions had to be asked

#sab #sab spoilers #shadow and bone

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some-creep · 4 years

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SERIOUS and OFFICIAL RE3 Creep Review

Resident Evil 3 Remake is a good and fun game that I have already dedicated more energy into than all of RE2 Remake.

However. We can’t leave it at that so here’s a stupid long post.

First off: This will not include any mention of the freebie multiplayer game bundled in, RE: Resistance, a game that I unfortunately like but also realize it adds absolutely nothing to the purchase of this game itself.

Second: I have no goddamn idea what other people are saying about this game because I haven’t even clicked on the steam store page to see the general review scores. I don’t have twitter, and I refuse to watch reviews. All I know is vague youtube titles I’ve seen in my feed. That’s it.

Third of all: Everything I’ve ever written on here is disjointed and confusing so buckle the fuck up.

Oh. And spoilers.

To start this story we must go back to everyone’s favorite year, 2003, when RE3 released on the Gamecube and I was in third grade. Watching my cousin play it when he stayed over was my first actual experience with the series. And Nemesis was, like, really fucking scary at the time because I was a child. I bring this up because as you all might know, I’m a bit of an obsessed weirdo sometimes. This is where it started for me, so RE3 is kind of a big deal for me personally. Conceptually, this game means kind of a lot to me I guess.

As a “remake”, RE3 does, like, a terrible fucking job at being one of those. This is flat out, just, not a remake. At all. It’s a re-imagining. It would be easier to count the things they included from the original over the things they cut, that’s how different it is. OG RE3 had like. Three environments. And the remake just straight up cuts one of them and slaps a different character in the other. Alright I guess. We don’t see Brad get killed by Nemesis, because that just… doesn’t happen anymore. Jill doesn’t go to the police station… at all even. There’s no missile countdown during the final boss fight which was my favorite part because it was like. I know it was just a glorified timer but it was much scarier to me than the self destruct timer? Idk for some reason the concept of a missile destroying the whole ass city is an idea that genuinely just kind of freaks me out to this day.

This will sounds very hyperbolic but the ending was kind of garbage. Mr. Paul I love my Wife Anderson did a shot for shot recreation of the original ending and I guess I was just expecting something like that instead we got. Not. That. I don’t know if these complaints are valid but they are things I’ve been thinking about a lot. Half that scene straight up just takes place in a map that is just an empty white void. If that after the credits scene wasn’t a possible hint at a Code Veronica remake I will riot. CV is my other favorite game (conceptually. CV itself is a completely fucking unplayable nightmare game).

There’s no helicopter fight. There’s no gravedigger. There’s no giant spiders. There’s one bonus costume. Hell, there frankly isn’t even a lot of Raccoon City at all.

I guess it is short. My first play through was 4ish hours of logged gameplay and 6ish hours of total playtime with cutscenes and nemesis chases which apparently pause the timer since they’re basically QTEs? This doesn’t really bother me like it does other people. I don’t have a lot of free time anymore. Everyone fucking hates that this game is short from what I’ve seen? Idk. (It’s no shorter than RE2. RE2 just seems longer since you can be Leon or Claire but their stories are basically identical. B scenario in RE2 Remake was a fucking joke.)

Buuut… I really, really like this game. Carlos is fine. He’s in this game. I still don’t like him that much but he’s the best of the male sidekicks. Maybe I like him more than Leon. He isn’t offensive or anything I just don’t stan him as hard as everyone on here seems to. Mikhail is way, way better now. Love how he knows who Jill is. Nikolai has… good facial mocap I guess. He’s certainly in the game and is evil and Russian again so no change there. Tyrel is a character who does things and is in scenes. He seems nice. He’s doing his best. And then there’s Jill. Who got the best treatment of anything in this entire game. Not like, physically of course, her ribs are absolutely destroyed and her spine has been snapped several times after all of that shit they put her through in the cutscenes.

I loved, loved, loved the opening. So much. Jill’s apartment. Her nightmares. The fact her life is in shambles. I’ve gushed about this before but I genuinely loved how the game opened. It’s everything I could have asked for and so much more. It’s an idea I’ve toyed w/ before in one of the only finished stories I’ve ever put on AO3 and I’m so glad to see it acknowledged canonically. I just. Ugh. I loved it.

Everything she says is beautiful and perfect and sassy and sometimes angry and it’s just. Good. They let Jill say fuck and she became unstoppable. Also she at least still says the You want S.T.A.R.S. line. It’s way, way, way early, in a scene that makes no sense for it to be in at all. But she says it. And I liked that she said it. I’m easy.

That stupid railgun bullshit at the end?? I was streaming it live and just exclaimed “is this game even real???” because I was just so all about it. We’re all still giggling at “Bitch can’t even swim.”

It’s fun to play as Jill and do sick dodge rolls. I’ve gone through this game four times now, once on each base difficulty and again on Assisted with just the hot-dogger fire knife w/o healing. Sick dodge rolls make the game very easy if you don’t fuck them up. I always fuck them up. But, still. I feel like all the bits are there from RE2 but just better. I intend to go through the game on the other two difficulties. Wish me luck. I am frankly terrified. But I want to do it.

Two of the nemesis fights are just straight up identical though. Which is. Okay. Sure. Whatever.

This game only had two puzzles for reasons I do not understand. The subway puzzle was the hardest of the two. It is the first puzzle in the game. Arguably, it is the only puzzle in the game because it is the only one you have to think about for more than 11 seconds to solve.

When the credits play the new version of Free from Fear I genuinely forget every weird problem I have with this game because it’s just… so good. Once again. I am easy.

This whole thing probably sounds like more complaints than praise for a game I’ve put this much time into, and maybe it is, but it is easier to talk about about something bad about a game than to pinpoint what you liked. And I love to complain as we all know. This is horrible as a remake. It’s great as a follow up to RE2 Remake probably. I think plenty of people already disagree with that. But plenty of people like to just be wrong on the internet.

Speaking of RE2 remake why did Pale Heads return from.. the ghost survivors dlc of all the fucking things. That’s just weird. They were a weird inclusion. Maybe I’m not totally surprised something like that made it over but it’s still… weird. They’re fine as an enemy type. I just ignored them though.

I think that for me it is just enough to have good and fun characters that I enjoy. I just. Like how Jill is written. And honestly, that’s kinda just all I need. It doesn’t really matter to me that this game is something of a horrible amalgamation of vaguely borrowed concepts from the original game. Sure, the RE1 remake is great because it’s mostly completely faithful, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it. Re-imaginings like this can also be good. This one is good. It’s fun.

There are a strange amount of tentacles in this game to the point where I wonder if someone on the dev team just straight up had a fetish. Especially after you get the lockpick. That scene is. Um. Yeah. It’s in the game.

Is that really how I’m going to end this? Talking about the tentacle fetish?

Yeah.

#resident evil #resident evil 3 #re3 #re3 remake #resident evil 3 remake #very little of what i wrote made actual sense #pls @ me so we can fight about it #creep ranks

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drcwnthctwcy · 4 years

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► — now announcing their royal highness, [ CHLOE BENNET ] ! oh , wait . that’s just [ HANA TYTLA ] , the [ NEUTRAL ] child of [ NIKOLAI TYTLA (CHERNABOG) ] they are currently a [ 27 ] year old [ WAITRESS ] of [ AURADON ] , but were originally from [ THE ISLE ] . people say they remind them of [ A WARM EMBER ON A COLD BREEZE, OILY TEARS, AND THE SHADOW THAT YOU SWEAR ISN’T YOURS ] & that they are [ + MATURE , + GOOD-NATURED ] but also [ - ASOCIAL , - ALOOF ].

Bio:

(TW for emotional abuse)

Being one of Chernabog’s many children wasn’t easy. While is gave them some amount of fear factor on the Isle to help them get by, dear old Nik always made sure that they never got too comfortable. He played his mind games with them just as much as he did anybody else, with so many of his kids constantly vying to be his favourite, and that sinking feeling of disappointed rage at his never-quite-straight answers.

Maybe it was because she was the first child he decided to officially claim, or maybe it was because he’d been the only parent she really had, but Hana seemed to be more like Nikolai than any of her younger siblings. Evil always seemed to come easily to her, and she enjoyed making people hurt. She never had to vy for that favourite spot, never had to try, because she was undeniably her father’s daughter.

At least, until she got pregnant. The flip didn’t happen overnight; her father was surprisingly supportive when it came to her baby, and she definitely had enough of a reputation to scare away anyone who tried to hurt either of them while she was vulnerable. But questions, doubts, it all began eating away at her. Slowly but surely, when she was walking through the streets, she stopped seeing victims, stopped noting the best way to get under people’s skin, to hurt them. She began to see other families, other children, who were hurting and needed more help than they were getting. She began to wonder what life would be like for her own baby, started questioning how she had been raised, questioning her father.

Eventually it all became too much, and she ran away from the life she knew. Hiding away, she gave birth on her own, scrounged to get by like so many others - for the first real time in her life -, and slowly began to feel things she’d never felt before. Empathy, sympathy, love. Real, heart-warming love. And once her little girl, Ivah, was old enough to be able to be left on her own for short periods at a time, she began to use the skills she use to use to hurt to help. But never directly. Maybe one day, a starving family would find some food at their door. Another day, a street being terrorised by a group of thugs might be clear. She didn’t want credit, she just wanted to see the Isle be a better place, for the people trapped there who deserved it.

Misc.:

Was genuinely enraged when the core 4 turned good at the end of the first film, but it was that sort of quiet, seething rage which meant that she didn’t act on the first opportunity.

Ivah is probably around 6, at this point.

Doesn’t believe that she’s a good person (which is very much her father’s doing), and does miss just being able to hurt people and not feel bad about it, but she is actively at least trying to live like a better person.

Has mixed feelings about the barrier. She believes that some people, including hersef, deserved to be trapped there forever, but also knows that a lot of people - including her own daughter - didn’t. She doesn’t know what the correct solution would have been, so she doesn’t hold any hard feelings against Ben and Mal, but that doesn’t mean she’s without criticism.

Genuinely loves and cares for her siblings, but she knows a lot of them are still under their fathers thumb, and she doesn’t need that in her baby’s life.

Honestly is a giant mama bear if you can just get her to talk to you for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Isn’t wearing a band currently since she’s never committed a crime against Auradon, but she’s on very thin ice and she knows it.

Connections:

She has more siblings, pick them up if you’re so inclined!

Might not be super close to them anymore, after everything that went down, but catching up with her old friends could be an interesting affair.

Enemies! She’s definitely rubbed people the wrong way before and after her change of heart.

She might have had friends she only made after her change of heart, so bring me them too!

Her baby daddy!

Past/Current/Potential future love interests (any of which could also be her baby daddy, depending on how that’s plotted out).

Some fellow VK babies who she’s taken under her wing and/or is just generally trying to help, this can be with or without their knowledge & before and/or after the barrier was opened.

#;; reflection / hana #rottenhq:intro #i haven't actually read through this bc it's nearly 4am so i hope it's fine lol

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tmarie82 · 6 years

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At Least for Now

Pairing: Naomi x F!MC (Marin)

Book: Veil of Secrets

Word Count: ~1,900

Rating: PG-13 (I really need to wash Marin’s mouth out with soap!)

Author’s Note: This is the final part (Part 5) of the Veil of Secrets Truths and Lies mini-series and I am really liking how it wrapped up. Thank you to everyone who has stayed with me for this, I appreciate your support more than you know!

This is also a submission for the @choices-september-challenge day 2 prompt ‘Apology’. (It is technically still September 2nd where I am!) Thank you @i-dream-so-i-write for organizing this and inspiring me to get this story out today!

Please let me know if you would like to be added to my tag list. You can find all of my fics here - MASTERLIST

~~~~~~~~~~

The boat ride back to town from the lighthouse had been relatively uneventful after the chaos on the peninsula. After Naomi had helped Marin rinse the blood off her hands, arms and clothing as best as possible, she re-wrapped her in the trauma blanket and escorted her towards the coast guard boat to take her back to safety. Naomi had decided to stay behind to help with the rest of the cleanup and investigation, but Flynn had graciously swooped in to volunteer to ensure Marin made it back home safely. Marin was too tired to argue at this point and allowed Flynn to usher her to an empty seat on the boat and sit beside her, placing an arm protectively around her shoulders as she settled in. As the boat pulled away Marin looked up to find Naomi still standing on the dock, a wistful smile touching her lips as she watched the boat depart.

Flynn drove Marin back to the B&B on the back of his motorcycle, making any conversation impossible over the roar of the engine. But as they walked up to the door of her temporary residence, he was the first to speak. “You did good tonight, Marin ... you didn’t even hesitate in saving Nikolai’s life.” Flynn paused in contemplation, then shook his head before continuing. ”I still don’t know if he had anything to do with Kate’s kidnapping or Tanner and Bryce’s murders ... but something isn’t adding up. I get the feeling this isn’t over yet ...”

Marin stared at the ground between them drowsily, still playing the events of the evening over in her mind. “I don’t either ... I feel like we’re missing something big in all this.” She shrugged and sighed deeply, a hint of fear in her voice. “And to think that the real culprit could still be out there ...” Her voice trailed off as her eyes filled with tears again, all the fear and guilt and emotions from the past few days coming back to her at once.

Flynn rushed forward and pulled her into an embrace, cradling her head against his shoulder. “Shh, shhh ... it’s okay.” He stroked her hair softly, whispering against her ear. He pulled away after a moment, peering down intently at Marin. “I can stay if you want ... if you don’t want to be alone.” There was a heartfelt, concerned smile on his lips ... and it broke Marin’s heart. It was time to come clean and set the record straight.

“Flynn ...” she started, her voice filled with remorse as she shifted out of his reach. “Flynn, I need to be honest with you. That night on the boat ... it was was wonderful. But it was a mistake.” Pain flashed across Flynn’s eyes as he stood in front of Marin, listening intently as his hopeful expression crumbled away. But she was too exhausted and emotionally spent to hold back any longer. “What I mean is I was confused ... I have feelings for someone else and I wasn’t sure how to handle them. And I care about you, you are a very attractive man and ... it just happened.” Marin paused, studying Flynn’s downcast stare for a sign of anger but didn’t find any, so she continued. “I care about you, so much ... just, not like that. I’m so sorry.”

Flynn nodded, still not meeting her gaze. He didn’t appear mad, Marin pondered ... maybe just a hint of disappointment and confusion. He finally looked up at her, recognition resonating behind his stare. “It’s Naomi, isn’t it? The someone else you have feelings for?”

Marin’s breath hitched, slightly taken aback at Flynn’s astute assessment and confrontation. Maybe she was more transparent than she thought she was. “Yes.” She replied simply.

He didn’t say anything, just nodded his head again as he processed the confession. When he finally spoke, there was a slight smirk on his lips. “I’m not going to lie, I didn’t think you would swing that way, but I guess I see the appeal.” He chuckled, causing Marin to blush. “Does she feel the same way?”

Marin beamed blissfully before she realized that she wasn’t sure how Naomi felt anymore. While Naomi had been supportive and caring tonight back at the lighthouse, they really hadn’t had a chance to talk about where all of this left them. “She ...” Marin started, fumbling over her words as she sorted through them. “She did, but then she heard about us at the trial and ... let’s just say she had a hard time trusting me after that.” Marin looked down at her hands as she wrung them back and forth at her waist.

Flynn reached up to put one comforting hand on her shoulder, keeping a safe distance from his newly-platonic friend. “Well, based on what I saw tonight, I’d say it’s pretty obvious she’s crazy about you.” Marin’s eyes shot up at his statement, full of renewed hope. Flynn shook his head again, chuckling softly as the reality of the situation settled into his mind. ”I just can’t believe I didn’t see it before. Huh. But Marin -” he shook her shoulder gently and looked her straight in the eyes- “you need to be honest and tell her then. Apologize, and make this right.”

Marin shook her head in acknowledgement, a gentle smile reaching the corners of her mouth as she pulled him into a hug. “Thanks Flynn. And I’m sorry. Thank you for being so understanding.”

Flynn’s cheeks flushed as she pulled away and he started walking backwards towards his motorcycle. He gave her a brief salute before throwing his leg over to mount his bike. “Good night Marin. Good luck.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Marin suddenly had a plethora of energy as she watched Flynn ride away and bounded up the stairs to her private room at the B&B. As soon as she closed the door behind her, she pulled her phone from her pocket and started clicking out a text.

I told Flynn everything. About you and me, about my mistake with him ... everything. I’m back in my room now, I’ll be awake for a while if you can talk. She hit send, holding her breath for a moment as she contemplated her next action. Finally, she typed out one more message. No more lies. I’m all yours now. She pressed send before she could overthink her confession, tossing her phone on the bed to avoid staring at it any longer. She started stripping out of her grimy blood-stained clothes and threw them to the corner, then sauntered into the bathroom to turn on the shower. She was filthy and she needed a distraction.

Fifteen minutes later, she emerged from a blissfully steamy shower feeling much more relaxed and starting to feel the dregs of sleep weighing on her. She picked up the phone from her bed and studied the screen ... no new texts, no missed calls. Fuck. Maybe she had misread the situation tonight. Maybe Naomi was just being nice by comforting her but she was still upset with her. She threw the phone back down and started getting ready for bed. Sporting clean pajamas and brushing her teeth, she ventured back by the bed and pressed the home button again. Still nothing. A few minutes later she was brushing out her wet hair and towel-drying it before she pressed the button yet again. Blank. Her heart sank as she put away her things, finally placing the phone on her nightstand defeatedly before sliding under the covers. Despite the ache in her chest, the exhaustion of the day finally caught up with her and pulled her into a slumber.

~~~~~~~~~~

Knock knock knock. Marin jolted upright in her bed from a deep sleep, temporarily disoriented as she tried to focus her eyes in the dark. Knock knock knock. She registered the second set of knocks on her door and scooted out from the bed, stepping up on her tip-toes to peek through the peephole. She felt both joy and relief to see Naomi standing patiently on the other side of the door, quickly moving back to open it for her.

Naomi didn’t say anything, just stood in the doorway waiting hesitantly.

“Hi.” Marin finally said. “I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me.”

Naomi’s lips tugged into a half-smile and she chuckled. “I didn’t. I really didn’t. But here I am.” She looked into Marin’s deep chocolate eyes, searching for the answer to her unspoken questions. “You really told Flynn? Everything?”

“Yes. I really did.”

Naomi didn’t speak, just nodded and looked down at the doorframe for a moment, unsure how to proceed.

Marin took the silence as a form of rejection and quickly jumped in to further explain her intentions. “Look, Naomi, I am so sorry. And I don’t blame you for being mad at-“

“I’m not mad.” Naomi cut in abruptly, her voice monotone as she finally met Marin’s stare. “And I’m not upset ... at least, not anymore. But ...” she paused, taking a deep breath as she tried to overcome the doubt that had flooded her mind. “I know that if I forgive you, this will be great ... we will be great. But then you will have to leave and go back to New York, whether it’s in three days or thirty. And I don’t know if I can handle that-“

“Naomi ...” Marin interrupted, her heart aching with both affection and sadness all wrapped into one.

“I wasn’t done.” Naomi interjected firmly, her deep brown eyes shooting a piercing stare into Marin’s. “I was saying that I don’t know if I can handle you leaving ... but I also don’t think I can handle not spending time with you while I can. So I want to do this, Marin. Let’s enjoy whatever this is between us, at least for now.”

Marin bounded forward and cupped Naomi’s face in her hands, pressing her lips to hers in a passionate yet gentle kiss. Naomi responded willingly, pouring all of the fear and love and regret into that kiss as if it would be her last opportunity. When they finally separated, foreheads pressed against each other’s, they were gasping for air. They stood stil for a moment, Marin’s hands on Naomi’s shoulders and Naomi gripping Marin at the waist.

Eventually Naomi stepped away, reaching a hand up to stroke a damp lock of hair out of Marin’s eyes. “You must be exhausted.”

“I am.” Marin confessed, glancing over her shoulder at the comfy queen-sized bed before looking back to Naomi. “Can you stay with me? I think I’d sleep better knowing that you’re here.” She looked up into Naomi’s eyes, willing her with her own gaze to say yes.

“I think I can do that.” She replied playfully. “Besides, I want to spend as much time with you as possible while I can.”

“The get in here.” Marin quipped, pressing another kiss to Naomi’s full lips before pulling her in through the door.

As the two women settled into bed, Marin’s eyelids already fluttering as sleep threatened to take her again, an odd thought crossed her mind. “You know, the more time you spend with me the more likely you are to get tired of me.”

Naomi giggled. “Well, then that will make you leaving that much easier.” She reached over to run a finger along Marin’s cheek, noticing that she was already starting to drift off. “But somehow, I don’t think that’s going to be the case.”

END

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Tagging: @simplyaiden-blog @mfackenthal @lizeboredom @walkerismychoice @boneandfur @laniquelovely @choices-fanatic @liam-rhys @the-everlasting-dream @client327 @kamybelen-blog @butindeed @enmchoices @drakelover78 @kamilah-sayeed-xoxo @parkerattano @asprankle @innerpostmentality @jadedpixiescribbles @crookedslimecreatorpasta @choiceswreckedme @debramcg1106 @mymandrake @alesana45 @christopher-powell @eileendannie @diavolosprincess @blog-of-many-things-blog @clarissafics @blackcatkita @bella-ca @writtenbycandy @stopforamoment @mind-reader1 @snyggflicka @pbchoicesobsessed @miss-cordonia-deactivated201808 @mrswalkerwrites @speedyoperarascalparty @viktoriapetit @flowerpowell @choices-sideblog @lizzybeth1986 @endless-vall

#naomi silverhawk #naomi x f!mc #veil of secrets #tmarie82 fanfic #choices september challenge

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scarletwitching · 6 years

Note

you said once that the whole limbo thing with Magik was an allegory for child abuse, i have an idea why but could you ellaborate on it?

This got pretty long (who is surprised?) and deals with a heavy topic so I decided to put all of it under a cut.

Warning: This post deals with childhood sexual abuse, and even though it isn’t a literal depiction of that, some of the language used might be upsetting.

Some historical context for when this story was written: The 1980’s saw a rise in public awareness about childhood sexual abuse in the United States. This increased visibility coincided with a couple of (somewhat connected) mass hysterias. One of those was called Satanic Panic.

Satanic Panic is what it sounds like: a moral panic centered around the fear that widespread “ritual abuse” (physical and sexual, as well as murder, cannibalism, etc.) was happening at the hands of Satanists. Sometimes, the Satanists were just day care workers, and other times, they were basically the Illuminati, a shadowy, all-powerful cabal who wanted nothing more than to mutilate cows in front of your children. Possibly in the basement of a pizzeria that doesn’t have a basement.

This was tied to the (very fake) 1980 book Michelle Remembers, and it pops up in fiction even today. The first season of True Detective is a Satanic Panic story. (I haven’t seen the second season so I don’t know what that’s about.)

I’ve always read Magik’s origin as a Satanic Panic story with an actual Satan.

Another thing to keep in mind: Belasco was not an invention of Claremont. He was introduced in Ka-Zar the Savage, as a guy who liked to kidnap and rape women. A demon in need of a bride.

Belasco: They also changed my human form to one that more resembled their own, adding horns and a magnificent tail, and gave me the privilege of becoming father to a new demonic race – the race that would soon populate Earth! Yet I needed a bride! I kidnapped the lovely Beatrice and we sailed to the site of this mountain, which the Elder Gods had indicated was the perfect location upon which to carry out the spell. For safekeeping, I made Beatrice wear the incomplete pentagon in a locket…

Ka-Zar the Savage #12 by Bruce Jones & Brent Anderson

There’s also a connection made between the women he hypnotizes and assaults and his locket.

Which brings us to Magik and more specifically, Claremont’s mini-series about her time in Limbo.

Half my lifetime spent on Earth… and half in Hell.. where I was consort to a devil.

Magik #1 by Chris Claremont & John Buscema

The language Claremont uses to talk about Magik and Belasco is uncomfortable, right from the start. Illyana describes herself as Belasco’s “consort.”

Belasco: She is delightfully pure and unspoiled. Even Kitty Pryde wasn’t this innocent when I finally claimed her.

Magik #1 by Chris Claremont & John Buscema

I’m going to go ahead and say this is creepy, especially when you compare it to how Belasco refers to her later in the story (as “flawed and corrupt”).

There’s a broader metaphor at work here, the loss of innocence. It doesn’t necessarily have to be about sexual abuse, but the way things are worded and framed, that connection is very, very easy to make.

And I’m not afraid anymore […] Belasco’s voice is kind. His touch is gentle. He won’t do anything bad to me. He loves me. He said so. I hear Ororo’s voice. Far away, calling frantically. She wants to save me. But there’s no need. I’m in no danger. I’m growing! Getting bigger… getting older! But only this ghost me.

Magik #1 by Chris Claremont & John Buscema

Early on, Belasco corrupts a piece of Illyana’s soul, making it grow older and turn demonic. This is a smaller scale version of the overall story. Magik goes into Limbo as a small child and comes out as a 13-year-old, even though almost no time has passed on Earth. Her time with Belasco is something that makes her grow up too fast. It robs her of her childhood.

“Ghost” Illyana: Consider it a preview of what I’ll be once Belasco’s had his wild, wicked way with me.

Magik #1 by Chris Claremont & John Buscema

Again, the language here is unpleasant. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. It’s on every page.

Belasco: Does this feel good, my Cat, shall I stroke you more?

Will Belasco do that to me, I wonder, transform me into one of his creatures? Or has he something even more awful in store?!

I’m scared – yet I can’t look away. I feel excited – I want to see him do more, I want to help!

Magik #2 by Chris Claremont & John Buscema

There’s a couple of things to single out here: the emphasis on touch (with Cat in this case, but there’s plenty of focus on Belasco touching Illyana too) and Magik’s mixed feelings about Belasco. She hates him and loves him and wants to please him and knows she should kill him. That bleeds into her feelings about herself. She’s consumed by guilt and shame. She doesn’t understand her own reactions. She feels rotten inside.

This is a common dynamic in abusive situations. Belasco has cut Illyana off from the rest of the world. She has every reason to hate him, but he’s her only possible source of love. Pleasing him is the only way she can get affection. Her sense of isolation continues even after she leaves Limbo. She finds it hard to connect with others after what she’s been through.

Nikolai Rasputin: Our Illyana is a baby. You’re a young woman, almost fully grown. […] No decent child would traipse about in such a costume! What are you really, some runaway wolf-girl from the circus?! Leave us be! You’re not welcome here.

Magik #4 by Chris Claremont & Sal Buscema

When she sees her parents again, they don’t recognize her. They shut her out. And they comment on the way she’s dressed.

Over the course of this book, her clothing becomes more sexualized. She’s only 13 when the series ends, and the last issue has her dressed in a bathing suit, ripped in true Savage Land style.

I’m not comfortable with the way the creators handle this. It helps to hammer home the metaphor, but it’s still bad. The thematic intention doesn’t erase the blatant sexualization of a child that’s happening here.

There are couple of things I do like about the ending, from a metaphorical/thematic standpoint:

1. When Illyana finally gets her mutant powers, they manifest as teleportation. The ability to escape. It’s a small detail, but very clever.

2. The soulsword. It’s one of the most interesting aspects of her character. She keeps trying to make an acorn, like the Limboverse Storm did. She wants to make something pure and good, but she can’t do it. So she gives up on trying to be “pure” and takes all of her pain and makes it into a weapon instead.

Illyana: Remember me?

Magik #4 by Chris Claremont & Sal Buscema

It’s the old Tumblr cliché: Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.

Despite how uncomfortable this story is at points, I love it, especially the ending. It’s about reclaiming. Magik suffers, and then she turns her suffering into power. When we talk about characters being “powerful,” it’s almost always about their ability to kick other characters’ asses. But a fictional character’s only real power is in how they affect real people.

And for me, Magik is powerful.

I’m not trying to tell others how to feel about this series (and certainly, my own feelings are complicated), but as a trauma survivor, the soulsword always gets me. It’s hope. It’s looking forward, carving a new path that is informed by the past but able to look beyond it. That part is a metaphor for all kinds of trauma, not just sexual abuse.

#magik #illyana rasputin #meta #comics meta #written by me #not wanda

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theomachys · 7 years

Text

a story of repeating regret

the modern reincarnation au no one asked for ( or, nikolai, faina, and discussions of a past king ) — nikolai x faina

history textbook lying face down over his stomach, nikolai stares at the ceiling and sighs. his good leg dangles off the couch, barefooted and swinging dangerously close to the cup of coffee balanced precariously on a stack of books. the other leg, encased in thick plaster with half the campus’ names and well wishes scrawled over the surface, lies immobile, propped up by whichever ratty cushions his roommates were able to find.

not prime date location, he thinks. the stack of unwashed dishes in the sink alone kills any romantic mood that might’ve sprung up. although he can’t blame his roommates’ filthy habits either. this is emphatically not a date—it’s a tutoring session. a hard won tutoring session in the comfort of his shared apartment on campus because faina volkov is too kind hearted to make him limp all the way across campus to the library.

nikolai is not used to people being kind.

“my mother says a piece of happiness escapes with every sigh,” faina comments. soft brown hair held back with a blue scrunchie, she glances over at him. her eyes are hidden by her black frames, and nikolai thinks that’s a crying shame, but moments later he’s distracted by a glimpse of her exposed neck, of pale skin he’s spent far too long fantasising about and—

what the fuck. he blinks and shakes his head. the rooms spins a bit. get a hold of yourself.

“your mom’s a nice lady.” nikolai tosses back. “cheerful.” as if he has any happiness to lose. his perpetual bitter mood has made him a ‘boring emo fuckhead’ in the words of some of his friends. faina is one of the only people willing to endure his company for an extended period of time (and yeah, he’ll blame his attachment on that). both grateful and frustrated, he tries to bite his tongue, unwilling to drive her away, but he knows she can see the black cloud hovering over his head.

she stares at him with pursed lips and taps her pen against her mouth. it’s not helping. “having trouble?”

“more like finding it hard to give a fuck.” a history of the akulakrovi clan is a horrible class and nikolai can’t believe he has to take it for his political science degree. it just doesn’t make sense. if it hadn’t been for his injury, he wouldn’t have bothered showing up. but if he hadn’t shown up (and failed the midterm), he would have never met faina, the soft spoken med student one year below him and a hell of a lot smarter.

so, wins and losses.

“nikolai.” her voice is quietly amused, as if holding back a laugh. faina reaches forward and picks up the history textbook from his stomach and he jerks upright, heart hammering in his chest. even through the fabric of his shirt, her touch burns him—not entirely unpleasantly. brows furrowed, faina pauses. “is everything okay?”

his throat is dry. he swallows. “fine.” to cover up his awkward, visceral reaction, he says, “by the way, i said you could call me kolya. my friends all do.”

her eyes widen. “i… i didn’t know we were friends,” she says carefully. he thinks he catches a hint of uncertainty in her eyes and yes, okay, he can understand that. they’ve been doing these tutoring sessions for less than two months and faina is not the kind of girl he would find himself hanging out with in normal circumstances. prince nikolai akulakrovi is not only royalty but also one of elv university’s star athletes. compared to that, faina volkova is nobody. this is past the realm for jock-and-nerd cliches; it’s downright strange.

“‘course we are.” nikolai leaves no room for argument, at least not about this.

faina smiles and he thinks of springtime, of flowers beginning to bloom. before he can say anything else, the smile has faded and her head is bent over the history book she liberated from him. “this is your family’s history. how is it not interesting?”

she has a point—it is his blasted clan’s history. but then again. “it’s just a bunch of names on a page,” nikolai says. he leans back and resumes staring at the ceiling. “doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“what about your namesake?”

the history book is shoved in his face unceremoniously, open to the chapter on king nikolai petrov akulakrovi, born 1470. “you mean the worst king elv’s ever had,” nikolai says flatly. the king reigned immediately after the war of nations and instituted numerous reforms in the kingdom, most of which were not very popular. in fact, elv hated them so much that the next successor was chosen from the takret clan, who immediately undid all of the former king’s policies. there wouldn’t be another akulakrovi in power until nikolai’s great-grandfather.

“what? no!” her mouth drops open, as if she can’t even conceive of anyone disliking the old man. “king nikolai was a great ruler.” and faina sounds so sure of this, as if she’s saying the sky is blue or grass is green.

nikolai scoffs. “he sucked. not as bad as, you know, emperor daehyun of surya or anything, but he sucked.” more than just balls, probably. or not balls. hell, he doesn’t know. “his own people didn’t want his son on the throne.”

“he was progressive,” faina insists. she must be a fan. there are plenty of them nowadays—he’s their favourite old history dude because his morals are closely aligned with beliefs today. “elv wasn’t ready for it then.”

“sucked.”

“nikolai—”

“kolya,” he repeats. she crosses her arms over her chest. “oh, come on. he’s dead anyway.” dead for centuries, his bones probably lying at the bottom of the sea. of all the akulakrovis to be named after, why did it have to be that one? nikolai has always had an issue with it. what if history repeats itself?

after a tense pause, faina sits down with the book in hand. “he was a good soldier,” she says finally. “and a good ruler, and a good husband.”

ah, dammit. don’t say anything, he tells himself, but of all the myths this is the one he hates the most. “yeah? flip ahead to page 236.”

faina gives him a quizzical look but does as he says. “nikolai married freya evighet, lady in waiting to the queen.” she reads out loud. her voice is gentle, like a spring breeze that ruffles one’s hair and dances across their face. “the story of their courtship was widely documented and the basis of many popular songs and plays of the time—why am i reading this?”

“skip ahead a paragraph.”

“in 2015, historians uncovered a partially destroyed letter reportedly written by king nikolai himself to a mystery lover and—oh.” she flips over the reproduced copy of the letter, donated to the elvan historical foundation by nikolai’s father last year after they’d found it one of the castle’s storage rooms.

to my dear [illegible] you will, no doubt, think of me as an idiot for writing this. spies are everywhere even within elv, and a letter like this one would be treasure to my enemies. i know [illegible] …

i will marry freya. it will not be terrible (or so i am telling myself) as she is my best friend of many years and i believe she loves me. her father commands troops of [illegible] …

i could not refuse without hurtling her. i did consider running away, but i knew you would frown on that. duty—we both understand it, do we not? i do not want to be a coward who shirks from his responsibilities. but neither do i want to be untrue to myself. i love [illegible] …

in some other life, perhaps we are allowed a chance. a chance that has been denied to us by the gods now. perhaps in another life, we are unapologetically in love, even married. perhaps in another life, i am not a prince or you are a princess. perhaps [illegible] …

be happy. kolya

a pause. silence settles in the dingy little apartment and nikolai almost laughs because this is weird. it’s like telling your girlfriend your grandfather used to be a gigolo or something equally ridiculous. as far as dirty little secrets go, it’s not a bad one ( barring the fact that people have come forward since claiming to descended from king nikolai’s bastard son ), but it is strange to think the man he’s named after wasn’t the perfect king.

( although maybe it shouldn’t be surprising—nikolai’s not the perfect prince either ).

“this is so sad,” faina breathes. she touches the page gently, almost reverently, and closes her eyes. the expression on her face is distant. forcing himself to sit up, nikolai stares at her and wonders what she’s thinking of. he wonders if he ruined something for her. “this is terrible. he loved someone he couldn’t be with.”

“is it?” irritability bleeds into his voice. “isn’t it just another weakness to add to the list? couldn’t keep his country together, couldn’t keep his people happy, couldn’t love his wife—or couldn’t gather up the guts to leave her. one mess after another.” and—fine, fine, fine. he is officially projecting. dragging a hand down his face, nikolai exhales loudly. wouldn’t it be grand if this is his destiny too?

warmth engulfs his hand. nikolai starts and glances down—faina covers it with her own and gives him a tentative smile. “i don’t think it’s a weakness.” her voice doesn’t waver. “it takes a lot of strength to do your duty. it takes a lot of strength to what necessary, not what you want to do.” he gets the feeling she isn’t only talking about the ancient king and his heart swells in his chest.

“i’m scared,” nikolai blurts out. “i’m scared i’ll end up like him, you know? become king, fuck up badly and have people turn against me. i’m scared it’ll happen now. hell, after i broke my leg, it’s like people couldn’t get away from me fast enough. i know i fucked up. i know i did. i never should have gotten hurt. i let people down; i let my team down, but they just… abandoned me.” he points at the cast. “those signatures? they mean nothing. i don’t know what i’m worth anymore.”

the problem is that he can understand his ancestor all too well. it is why he fears king nikolai petrov akulakrovi’s failures will be his own. his shoulders slump. “you’re… not my therapist.” it’s not fair to dump the worries he’s been stewing over for weeks on her. faina does not need to hear his. forcing a grin, he says, “you can tell me to shut up.”

but she doesn’t say anything, just continues to hold his hand. her thumb brushes over his knuckles and he tries to remember how to breathe, and dammit how is he supposed to observe boundaries when her hands and soft and small, the perfect size to be tucked into his? “i like you.” barely above a whisper, faina says, “even if no one else is, i’m here for you.”

i want you, nikolai almost replies. he doesn’t mean ‘want you to be here for me’ or ‘want you to stay’ or anything else. he wants her and he’s too fucking cowardly to say so. old king nikolai married lady freya instead of his lover out of a sense of duty, and at least one can argue that is noble. prince nikolai can’t ask his tutor out because he’s afraid of what she might say. he’s afraid of what other people might say. most of all, the anchor of his nonexistent-but-still-official long distance relationship with lady rose evergreen of durr hangs around his neck, dragging him down to the depths.

he brings her hand up and presses his lips against her smooth skin. nikolai hears faina’s breath hitch but she doesn’t pull away nor break the silence. she smells like cherry blossoms, he notices idly, and wonders how he’ll play this off as a joke. when he lets go of her hand, faina blinks at him. head tilted to the side, she waits for an explanation, cradling her hand against her chest. spots of pink color her cheeks and nikolai is miserable because he’d like nothing more than to lean over and kiss her.

i’m sorry, he says silently. nikolai is not brave enough to move forward yet. someday he might be, but for now, he’ll stay where he is. out loud, “we should get back to the books, yeah?” focused on digging his notebook out from the cracks of the couch, he nearly misses the flicker of disappointment flashing across faina’s face.

“oh, yes. we have a test tomorrow.” her voice trembles slightly and nikolai pretends not to notice. faina brushes her hair away from her face and grabs her notes. she’s not looking at him on purpose—he deserves it. mixed signals aren’t fun to decipher. nikolai hopes he doesn’t seem like he is toying with her. he isn’t. he’s toying with himself.

flipping open to a blank page while faina busies herself with gathered their study materials, nikolai grabs a pen and stares at it. seized by sudden impulse, he scrawls a few words on the corner of the page and rips it out. the folded note is then slipped into one of faina’s textbooks. if he can’t say it… this is the only way nikolai will allow himself to express his feelings. he hopes that one day, she’ll find it.

faina, i like you. i like you a lot.

#blog: oncidivm #muse: nikolai akulakrovi #opp: faina volkov #otp: i can't fall in love without you #filed under: drabbles

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clairecrive · 3 years

Note

Heyy:) can you write Nikolai x tidemaker reader, while Nikolai is still Sturmhond and the reader is part of the crew. Nikolai fell in love at first sight but the reader is a little introvert, but she snaps one day and confesses her love to him.

Sorry English isn’t my first language:)

Stars in the night

a/n: Hi hun sorry for the long wait. it's a bit shitty but I hope you're still around and like this x

warnings: none, fluff

word count: 2.8K

tags: @jupiterandbutterflies, @agentsofsheilds , @for-bebbanburg , @randomoutsiders , @pansysgirlfriend, @hannaxmaria , @vintagebitc , @story-scribbler , @crowssixof , @odetostep , @lizzie-he4rts, @korol-lantsov, @subjecta13-thefangirl,@gallysonegoodlung, @a-c-lee, @mriddlemethis, @carnationworld, @thanossexual, @luvxginger, @sanna2020, @partiesandblurrypolaroids, @edithsvoice, @wafflesandschemingfaces, @snugleo, @sugarmelonwater (tag list form)

SHADOW AND BONE MASTERLIST

Nights were usually y/n’s favourite time of the day. Chaos and shouts left place to eerie silence and the comforting quietness of the stars. Being on a ship meant always having people around whether they were shouting or singing or playing or whatever.

Y/n didn’t mind their company per se, it’s just that sometimes, people’s presence can get too much. But whenever she felt overwhelmed, she knew she could count on the stars to anchor her and help her breathe.

After an exhausting day at sea, no one refused the possibility to sleep and recharge. So, more often than not, y/n didn’t have any trouble in taking the night shift. It actually made her even more popular with the rest of the crew.

The crew’s captain was another thing. Y/n hadn’t a precise idea on him simply because he was always up to something. Sitting still was not in his blood, even where there were no chores to attend to. If there wasn’t something to do, Sturmhond would create it.

He was such at antipodes with y/n’s personality that their interactions were limited to her assignments, her report after her shift or him updating her about his plans. Or rather- her role in them. Y/n wasn’t foolish enough to think that he really made her part of his plans. And to be fair, y/n never asked more than what directly concerned her. Maybe that was why Sturmhond was so interested in her.

There was nothing subtle about the man. From the way he walked like he owned the world, to his shiny red hair. So, when he unusually started to roam around her just because, y/n did notice. Hell, everyone on the ship noticed. It was hard not to in such a limited space.

However, y/n thought nothing of it. It was just him being his extravagant self. Nothing new, honestly. She did not mind it either. The man had a way of being there without being overbearing, which was more than y/n could say about any other men she had met. Well, all except Tolya, of course.

He had started by bidding her good morning and goodnight every day. Then he would come to find her throughout the day, to chitchat above all things. To y/n’s horror, the privateer didn’t desist. He kept coming and y/n honestly didn’t know how to react.

She had always found him quite handsome and charming, but there was something she was absolutely shit at: small talk. And the man wanted exactly that from her. Alas, it all ended up with Sturmond’s voice filling the awkward pauses and y/n barely answering his questions.

She knew in her heart that she was giving him the wrong impression and she feared that her awkwardness would be mistaken for coldness making him eventually desist. Despite her fears though, the man didn’t seem off-put by her behaviour. He kept coming and coming but that didn’t ease y/n in any capacity.

Then one night, he stopped beating around the bush. It didn’t exactly catch her by surprise, y/n knew him, it was only a matter of time before he came out with it. It wasn’t in his nature to be discreet. Or so she thought, based on what she saw.

“Why did you want to be part of my crew? You don’t seem to like me,” he wondered, his green eyes shining in the moonlight.

Despite the words that left his mouth, y/n knew what his question implied. What he was really asking. But however powerful she might be, y/n didn’t have the guts to be upfront with him. Not even with the comforting presence of the stars as their witnesses.

If only he knew.

She knew that this could potentially be a chance for her to test the waters, to see what his intentions were and to make her clear. But alas, she knew nothing about flirting. Deflecting it is, then.

“Tolya and Tamar trust you. I trust them with my life so,” she shrugged, tacitly implying that she somewhat trusted him too.

“I see. So not only do I owe them my life but also an incredible crew.”

“The big and mighty Sturmhond praising someone other than himself?”

“I only sing praise when they’re due.”

“And, of course, no one deserves it more than yourself.”

“Well, you said it darling.” He flashed her a dazzling smile that made the moonlight pale.

Y/n rolled her eyes a bit to convey her annoyance and a bit to avoid him seeing the blush rising on her cheeks.

Truth be told, Tolya and Tamar weren’t the only ones that persuaded her from becoming a part of his crew albeit they were a big part of it. She wasn’t lying when she told him that she trusted them with her life. If it wasn’t for them, y/n would probably be a soulless machine right now. Her body on the outside but really nothing that made her y/n on the inside. That’s what happened to Grisha in Shu Han.

She owed the twin everything but that wasn’t why she made the decision to join them on the Volkovny. They didn’t force her to follow them or anything. And y/n couldn’t deny that Sturmhond’s handsome face didn’t make her sway a little in her decision. That was, however, something slippery about the privateer. It didn’t make him untrustworthy per se, but it certainly made her wary about trusting him.

The biggest push that prompted her to the Volkovny and life on the sea was her experience in Shu Han. Being Grisha meant not having a safe place outside of Ravka and sometimes in Ravka as well. Her home country was war-torn and as much as y/n had been trained to be a soldier all her life, she didn’t feel ready to take part in a fight that she didn’t feel her own.

Despite his unorthodox methods, General Kirigan’s sole purpose had always been making Grisha safe. And seeing as she had seen first-hand how the world treated Grisha, y/n could really get behind his plot, not caring about how bloody it was.

Life on the sea meant no more persecutors. Outside of her crew, no one in the ports they sailed to knew she was Grisha. Not that she was ashamed of who she was, but it’d be like having a mark on her skin if people knew. A mark that made her unsafe. She craved a life where she didn’t have to constantly watch her back. And being on the Volkovny granted her wish.

Not that it was a safe lifestyle, of course. But y/n was a survivor. If she had come out of the keirgud alive, she could well out best every threat that she will eventually cross on the sea. Besides, she knew that the twins had her back. And, in a small percentage, so did Sturmhond.

She and the captain didn’t exactly have a relationship, not like the twins have. She wasn’t his confidante or anything and she preferred to spend her time on her own -as much as life on deck allowed her- but since she was such in close quarters with the twins, that definitely made her closer to him than the rest of the crew. Not to mention that now the captain had started spending his nights with her too.

Well, not all night and not every night but it was a substantial increase in his time spent with her. Sure, it was all parts of him doing his rounds at night and being his amiable self.

So why the hell did her breath hitch whenever she caught his silhouette approaching? She hated herself for feeling like this. And him. Only that she didn’t, not really. It wasn’t his fault, was it? It was just her being silly. It’ll pass, sooner or later.

Only that, of course, it didn’t. In fact, it got even worse. If before she could manage their interaction by playing aloof and uninterested, it has now come to the point where she almost blubbered. Her heart hated her, it’d beat frantically whenever he’d approach, and his intoxicating smell made it impossible to form a coherent thought.

So, y/n decided to just stay clear of him to prevent any embarrassing situation.

After that, things didn’t get weird per se. Seeing y/n alone and drifting away from most group gatherings wasn’t weird. What was though, was her absence during the night shifts.

Before she monopolized those shifts, now she took turns like everyone else.

That was the big spy that made everyone worry about her. Non though went to talk to her about it. It would have been too personal for most of the crew to ask, and those who didn’t think better of it.

The twins knew her very well, she’d come to them whenever she was ready.

The captain… well, he didn’t react at all, which made y/n think that he hadn’t noticed anything.

He very well did, though. And the sign that he did was that he hadn’t come to her anymore. He noticed her withdrawal and while he didn’t understand why he respected her decision.

That didn’t mean that he gave up on her entirely though. His research moved elsewhere; his tactic shifted from approach to observe.

It took him almost a week to be feed with this new tactic. Not only did it prove unsuccessful, but he had almost broken a limb or two in his spying attempts.

One night, the one when he knew that you had taken the shift, he shifted again to ”approach”.

“Lovely night, eh?” He grimaced as the words left his mouth. Lamest approach ever.

“Oh, captain,” y/n exclaimed, startled by his unexpected presence, “yes, indeed.” She agreed, turning back to rest her arms over the bannister.

Nikolai’s eyes shine with amusement and y/n grimaced, cloaked in the darkness of the night, she was torn between wanting to punch herself or him. Maybe both.

“Sorry for startling you. I was surprised to see you here.”

“I’m on the night shift today,” she explained even though it wasn’t needed but saints. If they had given her social skills, she would have been too powerful.

“I see. It does not happen as often,” his eyes roamed over to her face, he could only see the side facing him thanks to the moonlight.

Y/n knew what he was doing, the man was hardly subtle, but she appreciated his attempt of breaching the subject lightly.

“We all took turns; it wasn’t fair for me to hijack this time shift.”

“I’m far too smart for you to lie to my face,”

“Excuse me?”

“What I mean to say,” he sighed, regret showing on his face, “is that I worry that you might have changed your habits because of me.”

“Why would you think that?”

“It has not escaped my notice that you’ve trying to avoid me.”

“Avoiding someone on a ship is an impossible feat.”

“I’m aware,” he smirked, and something told her that seeing her trying to do exactly that amused him to no end. Y/n turned back towards to sea and said nothing. Better silence than pointless words.

“So,” it was Sturmhond who broke the silence, “want to tell me what’s the problem?”

“There’s no problem, captain.”

“Again with lying,” he chided softly. Sturmond knew y/n like the back of his hand. Being on a ship will do that. He knew then that the best way to approach her wasn’t to put her under the spotlight or in a corner.

She sighed, knowing that lying to him would not get her out of this situation. Trying to muster her courage, she turned to him.

“Alright, you’re right,” she conceded and that alone was telling since Sturmonhd’s ego didn’t need any stroking. “You haven’t done anything wrong, though. It’s me.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“You should because it’s true. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by my emotions and I don’t know how to deal with them.”

“So, you just run from the situation?”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it running,” she mumbled under her breath. His intense stare put her even more on edge.

“Isn’t that point of living, though?” he added softly, “Feeling?”

“Maybe.”

“Amazing,” he said with an edge to his voice.

“What?” Y/n’s eyes flickered to him and the expression on his face left her wondering if he was serious or making fun of her.

“I’ve seen you facing volcras and other enemies straight on with a courage that puts to shame many soldiers and yet this is what you’re afraid of?”

“Rejections is much scarier than combat.” Abandoning every attempt of pretence, y/n went with the truth. She was already in the game, now she had no choice but to play.

“Is it?” His brow raised and now there was no doubt that he was making fun of her.

“If something goes bad in a battle, I’m dead. And there’s nothing for me to worry about if that happens, right?”

“But putting myself out there and then getting rejected, means living with the shame and embarrassment of knowing that I’m not enough.”

“Well, that’s a rather tragic take on it.”

“Joke all you want. I don’t suppose you know what it feels like, giving your shining hair and dazzling smile.”

“While knowing you think that of me brings me immense joy, I would also like to point out that you’re wrong.”

Now it was her turn to raise her eyebrow in wonder.

“Rejection takes a whole other shade of intensity when it comes from your family.” The words were said lightly but they made her breath get caught in her throat anyway.

“Is it because of your lifestyle?”

“It’s because of their opinion of me that I’ve chosen this lifestyle.”

“I’m sorry that your family is unable to see how much you shine.” “Maybe it’s because you’ve blinded them?” She tried to ease the tension and she was rewarded with a tease of a smile.

“Oh, don’t point it at me! I will lose my eyes and then you’ll throw me from this ship,” she shrieked and went to shield her eyes as if she was under the midday sun. This foolish stunt earned her the captain’s laugh. One so full and rich that left no doubt of its authenticity. It made y/n smile too and wish that he’d do that more often.

“I would never throw you from this ship.”

“What use could I have with no eyes?”

“I’m sure we’ll be able to find you something else to do.”

“Like being the ship’s clown.”

“While you amuse me to no end, I was thinking about a far more private role.”

“Private as in?”

“Meant for my eyes only.”

“Selfish much?”

“When it comes to you? Shamelessly so.”

The privateer leaned down to her, agonizingly slow giving her all the time to pull away if she wanted to. A million things swirled through her mind in those few seconds. Every worry about what was going to happen, about all the ways this could go sour.

The wheels in her mind turned incredibly fast almost making her lightheaded. Before this could turn into a full session of overthinking though, y/n shook her head effectively stopping the thoughts from growing.

Despite her lacking in basic social skills in an incredibly sad way, conversation with him always flowed easily. She never worried about what she was supposed to do or say or whatever. She could just… be. Be y/n.

That was priceless if not rare. And right then and there she decided that she wasn’t willing to lose it. Not without fighting.

Borne from the spur of the moment the best decision she could ever make, she leaned into him as well. Closing her eyes, she was able to see the corner of his lips lifted a little before she felt his lips on him.

Saints.

Did she say that she was afraid of feeling? Fuck that. This feeling, the feel of the touch of his lips on her, his fingers lightly stroking her face, his breath inside her, him becoming a part of her? She was pretty sure was going to die if she went too long without it.

Angling his head to the side, she pressed her lips on his with renowned fervour. Her hands found their way in his strands. A moan left him as y/n swallowed the sound. Using the grip on his hair, y/n pulled him to her. Sturmond gladly followed her lead, returning the intensity of the kiss before his hands gripped the back of her knees, lifting her up.

He lightly used the bannister as leverage, his grip shifting to her hips holding her so tightly so that losing her was not an option. Not now, not ever.

#nikolai lantsov #nikolai lanstov x reader #nikolai reader x grisha reader #grishaverse #nikolai lanstov imagine #nikolai lanstov imagines #nikolai lastov fluff #nikolai lanstov angst #nikolai lanstov x y/n #nikolai lanstov fic #shadow and bone

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inara-sensei · 5 years

Text

Winter Storms, Chapter One

Chapter 1

“Just this for you, sir?”

“Yes, thank you.”

While his weathered hands swipe the two leather bound books from my hands, I fumble with my money, passing over a few coins. The shopkeeper, Mr. Kapitsa, passes me my parcels. My books are wrapped in thick brown paper and tied with a white string. I shift the package in my arms, feeling the familiar weight of the books in my arms. A grin rises onto my face. Mistress Katya had one volume ordered in honor of my seventeenth birthday, a book chronicling sky pirates and their brave adventures. The other was new to the store I just had to have when I saw it. Books have always brought me joy. There are few things better than reading with a cup of tea in my favorite library chair. Zoya, my cat, would always sit on my chest or curl next to me as I read. Mistress Katya had isolated us more for safety, she’d said. It wasn’t the season for as many luxurious parties, anyway. We’d go home when it was safer, or when the season began, whichever came first. But I was sure she was going to catch onto just what was wrong with me without all of her social and philanthropic engagements. The business could only keep her busy for so long.

Mr. Kapitsa chuckles, his voice raspy and soft. “If only all people looked at books the way you did, Nikolai,” he says. “Like they’re your first love.”

“They’re my only love.” I check my pocket watch and place it back into my vest pocket. “Goodbye, Mr. Kapitsa. I have to meet Mistress Katya. She’s preparing us for a ball this evening.”

“Celebrating the exciting fifteenth years of serving the empire so well?”

“Of course.” He nods and wipes his hands on his apron. A faint smile adorns his wrinkled face.

“Of course, of course. Please, send my regards to the Lady Katya.”

“I will. May the tsar, the lord, and the seven saints keep you.” Mr. Kapitsa’s smile vanishes. His face turns old and wrinkled again as the sadness sinks in. He moves hurriedly across the room, adjusting a meticulously straight book.

“Perhaps. There are rumors about the tsar summoning for sorcerers, Nikolai. It’s becoming a dangerous world out there for people like them.” Them. I am one of them. A chill runs down my spine involuntarily. Does he know?

“I heard. Our neighbor’s daughter was tested after an assassin broke in. She was found to be lying about having the blessing.” And what a lot of good that did. Mistress Katya was furious. “Drawing all that attention to the neighborhood,” she’d said. “Doesn’t she know what her drama cost us? We could have been injured! Our family could have been attacked!” I hadn’t known what to say, and neither did her head butler, Eduard, so I held my cat, Zoya, in my lap and nodded in the correct places while my mistress raged.

“Do you consider it to be a blessing?” The question is so innocent I can almost ignore it. Sorcery was a gift of itself, a blessing in some places. Mistress Katya told me many times about the amazing sorcerers who served noble houses and serving in the military and state institutions in places like China or even France. But here, tucked into St. Petersburg, sorcerers were being hunted by witch hunters in small areas and assassins by the wealthy who trained sorcerers for their own selfish purposes. Only the academy in the capitol was safe for them. And even then, it was a long shot if you’d even make it to the academy. Only a small group was gifted, and with all of the attacks, the numbers were dwindling further.

I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve never met someone with the gift.” My power terrifies me, I want to say. No one else but Zoya knows about it, I want to confess. I fear what will happen if I reveal it, so I’m always on guard, I want to admit. I don’t want to let Mistress Katya down, and I don’t want to put her in danger. But I don’t. I keep my mouth shut like one should to keep everyone they care about safe.

“Well, I’d ponder that.” His warped fingers wander the shelves and he pulls out a slim book with a green cover embossed with gold. He places it in my hands. “Consider this an early birthday gift. Do your pondering once you finish this.” I glance at the title. A Brief History of the Sorcerer’s Guild.

“Mr. Kapitsa, I can pay-”

“Consider it a gift, Nikolai. Or a loan. You can bring it back when you finish it if you wish.” I want to give it back now. This book has no place in my library. I’ve already read what I had to about sorcery, small bits in textbooks and documents that we brushed over in my lessons. No one wants to be called a sympathizer these days. Somehow, I am drawn to magic. No matter how I try to keep my powers at bay, I feel myself wishing to touch it. To reach inside of myself and let it out into the open. But then I remember the fizzling fire we passed on our way to town at a peasant’s house and the burning symbols carved into the wood left unscattered and I realize it’s safer to let this gift stay hidden. The book’s leather binding feels like it’s burning my hands, but I force a grin onto my face.

“Thank you. I’ll be sure to return it next time I’m here.” I’ll have a servant return it tomorrow and tell him I stayed up all night reading it. Or maybe I’ll come back and buy another book if things are safe. Mistress Katya and I barely left the house anymore. The dangers of getting caught in an attack was too real, too common now. We had moved from Mistress Katya’s gorgeous town home to the manor outside the city. It was still a nice place, large and spacious with winding gardens and more than enough space for twenty guests, Mistress Katya, Zoya, our fleet of servants, and myself. But I liked the city. I liked the pulse that seemed to fill it, the soft sounds of rain on cobblestones when I fell asleep, the church bells ringing in the distance, the vibrations of the people who roamed through the city. It was alive, though since the burnings began, there was a curfew in the city and guards roamed the streets to protect the people.

People. Lately, I’ve wondered if sorcerers counted as people too. People often say that we aren’t. Between the possibility for torture and death at the hands of witch hunters and slavers selling us off, the only remotely pleasant possibility would be to join the academy and Sorcerers Guild.

“She’s been coming here since she was small, you know.”

“I do.”

“Be careful on your way, Nikolai. May...may the tsar, the lord, and the seven saints bless and keep you in their prayers.” Why did it sound like a death sentence when pried from Mr. Kapitsa’s lips?

“And you.”

I step out into the air of the city. The frigid air hits me in the face. I stumble back into the door. The city is alive with chatter as peasants shuffle through it carefully. A few see me leaving and move out of my way. I bite my lip, but keep going. There is no reason to tell them not to do it. Instead, I pretend it never happened. A girl with her mother slows when she sees me. She grins and waves at me. I smile and wave back.

“Now is the time, brothers and sisters! Kill the sorcerers! Kill them where they stand!” I feel my feet slow and I watch the growing crowd around a man shouting up on a box waving white papers in his hand. My heart drops into my stomach, but I can’t seem to make my feet move. There is something horrifying about these men. Something so twisted that you just have to stay and watch.

“They burn our houses with our families still inside and abandon us to die on the battlefield! Sorcerers have no loyalty except to themselves.”

“I hear they drink human blood to keep their skills!” a man shouts from the audience.

“They’re unnatural!” a woman cries. Grumbles of agreement rise through the air.

“They’re demons, that’s what they are!” another person shouts. My heart had stopped beating long ago, but now it hammers in my chest, urging me to move forward. I have to get out of here before it gets bad. Riots like this never stayed peaceful for long.

“Brother!” The man points a finger at me and suddenly I feel frozen. My feet are frozen to the cobblestones. “Will you join us in our crusade to end all sorcery?” The crowd’s gaze is expectant. I swear I see a few people gesture for me to join them in the mob, kind smiles and welcoming eyes to tempt me in.

“I...” I stumble back. My heart pounds and my hands feel sweaty. I can hear a ringing in my ears. I turn to run back to the bookstore. And before I know it, I am knocked to the ground by another body. I glance up from my place. My new leather gloves have been scratched open by the cobblestones, and blood runs down my palms. My package is halfway across the street, torn open and steadily becoming soaked because of the snow. My head spins as I sit up and look up at the young man dressed even finer than I am stagger to his feet and a group of thugs racing to meet him. He steps back, hands in the air. The biggest and nastiest of the bunch grabs him by the shirt and yanks him up. I stagger to my feet. To do what? Put all of those fencing lessons to good use from Mistress Katya?

“You played, now you pay.”

“Listen, I don’t have any money!”

“Then you should have thought about that before you decided to gamble.”

“Put him down.”

He turns toward me. A sneer decorates his face. “So you made a friend?” he asks the young man. He doesn’t reply, but his eyes meet mine. They’re a glorious hazel, and full of fear. They’d be beautiful without it. “Well, I guess if you want to take the fall first...” He snaps his fingers and two of his cronies lunge for me. I throw out my hands, bracing myself for impact and praying to every saint I know for protection.

And then it happens.

Gasps rush through the air. A hush falls over the city. The air feels dry. I open my eyes slowly. My heart sinks further. What have I done? Ice coats the men. The fountain in the square is broken open, ice jutting out in the image of exploding water. The wet stones around me are done dry. Some of the snow in the square is gone. The men are unmoving, frozen mid jump with their hands in fists. One holds a dagger. They gleam in the ice, their faces twisted terribly and their mouths morphed as if they plan to yell for help. Their leader’s eyes are wide and he drops the young man. He drops onto the ice and cobblestones, snow drenching the fine fabrics of his clothes.

“Sorcerer,” he whispers. I turn toward him, holding out my hand. Dizziness wracks my frame and I see spots dancing in my vision as the colors blur. I used too much power. I didn’t even know I was this strong. Most of what I did alone were small parlor tricks. Freezing water in a glass and heating it again, or frosting over a window. Enough to use my power and keep it from bottling up, but never more. Part of me wonders what else I could do, if I actually trained my power.

“Leave us alone, or you’ll be next,” I warn, my voice a dangerous whisper. I keep my arm out, showing my palm to him. I sound powerful, which is funny, since that’s the last thing I feel.

He flees through the crowd, but the man on the soapbox doesn’t follow suit. Instead, his group gets closer to us, chanting to kill the sorcerer.

“A blight on all society,” a woman mutters, spitting in my direction.

“A curse.”

“Demon child!”

“Bind his hands! Then we’ll burn him!”

Saints. All this trying, all this careful behavior only to slip up now. The young man wraps his arm around my shoulder. His shirt is made of fine fabric, finer than even most nobles dress. He looks about my age, I note. And he looks familiar.

“Sorry to get you into this mess,” I say. My words are slurring, I note.

“It’s my fault. Let me help. I owe you.” His voice is familiar too. It reminds me of silk, turning in the wind gracefully. Maybe I’ve seen him somewhere in society, or on the street. Maybe I saw him at a parade. I should tell him to flee, but my head feels stuffed with handkerchiefs. The young man removes his hat. His honey brown hair is a mess, but I know that boy. It slams into me as my knees buckle.

“You will all halt in the name of Tsarevich Alexei!”

My vision goes dark when a blur of red moves in front of us.

#writblr #writing #writer #am writing #v writes #new work #fantasy writing #fantasy novel #my work #my writing #new fiction

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